On Adoption - Love, Lisa

Negative ("Bad") Behavior in Children - When Is It Ignoring It Better? When Is Ignoring It Not An Option?

2011-09-29T03:09:00.000-07:00

Negative ("Bad") Behavior in Children - When Is It Ignoring It Better? When Is Ignoring It Not An Option?

The Pros and Cons of Adopting Children

2011-05-27T19:13:00.001-07:00

It's probably important that I point out that the link below is not a "big, serious, analysis" of the pros and cons of adopting children. It's something I wrote when someone asked about pros and cons of adopting children on a website. On the one hand, I was as serious, and absolutely truthful, as it gets when it comes to my own view of, experiences with, any pros and cons. The piece is not, however, "big" or "analysis" - just one mom's personal take on the matter.

http://hubpages.com/hub/Pros-and-Cons-of-Adopting-Children_

The Finalization of One Adoption - My Own Personal Story and Quiet Celebration

2011-05-27T19:03:00.001-07:00

Although I first met my son in his infancy, the finalization of his somewhat complicated adoption was a long, drawn-out, affair. This is our story:

http://hubpages.com/hub/The-Finalization-of-One-Adoption-A-Personal-Story-and-Celebration

A Reply to a Biological Sister Looking for Her Adopted, Younger Sister

2011-04-04T20:57:00.000-07:00

A Reply to a Biological Sister Looking for Her Adopted, Younger Sister

Some Links for Prospective Adoptive Parents

2010-12-09T00:16:00.000-08:00

http://www.adoption.state.gov/parents.html

http://www.openadoptions.com/information/questions-to-ask-prospective-parents-2.html

http://www.adoptionlearningpartners.org/adopting.cfm

http://adoptioninformationclearinghouse.org/

http://www.childwelfare.gov/adoption

http://www.cfcrochester.org/pg/adoption

http://library.adoption.com/articles/resources-for-prospective-adoptive-parents.html

http://www.advokids.org/advokids_pap.html

http://www.adoptionqa.com/blog/about-adoption/494/adoption-important-facts-for-prospective-parents/

http://www.adoptpakids.org/AdoptiveParent.aspx

http://e-magazine.adoption.com/

Grown Adoptees and Birth Mothers Building A Relationship

2010-08-14T01:37:00.000-07:00

Grown Adoptees and Birth Mothers Building A Relationship

What It Takes To Be A Parent

2009-12-06T03:58:00.000-08:00

Being a parent requires maturity. Parents are a child's first ambassador to the world. They have the power to present a picture of the world to their child. When parents view the world through the eyes, or a heart, that is too immature to see a realistic picture, they cannot present an accurate picture to their child.

Being a parent requires being emotionally well adjusted - or at least being willing and able to find a way to work around any of one's own emotional issues, for the good of the child.

A parent must be strong - strong enough to make the difficult decisions, strong enough to deal with all of the worries of being a parent, strong enough to make the child feel sure that he is safe, and strong enough to do what is right, rather than what is easy.

A parent needs to have a good memory. Having a good memory lets parents remember how it feels to be a child. It gives a parent insight into why a child may do something he shouldn't do. Remembering what it was like to be a child helps parents realize that, most of the time, a child who has done something wrong feels pretty rotten about himself already. A good memory also comes in handy when that other sneaker gets lost each and every morning, when everyone is running late.

Sometimes a parent needs to be able to forget. (Sure, you may not have been in the in-crowd in high school, and sure it may have been because your mother wouldn't let you wear anything but "dud" clothes; but don't turn your six-year-old into a copy of that famous, troubled, pop star. Don't be on her back about staying super thin. Let go of the pain of looking like a dud and be thankful you weren't swept away by an In-Crowd that, as a group, may have peaked in their teens.)

A parent must have patience, but more importantly, be able to find patience when they don't have any left.

Being a good role model is important for parents. How can any parent believe they have the right to set a standard of behavior for their child, if they, themselves (adults), are not able to uphold that standard.

A parent needs to be emotionally secure enough not to worry about what is cool. Worrying about what's cool is for teenagers. Parents cannot let cool dictate their decisions, behavior, or beliefs.

A parent doesn't need to, and shouldn't, act "over the hill," but s/he shouldn't be afraid to act like an adult. In other words, a parent shouldn't buy a death-trap, two-seater, car and cram the baby wherever s/he fits, just because the parent doesn't want to feel like he's driving his father's sedan.

Being a parent requires a lot of common sense. The world is full of advice for parents. Some of it is good. Some is junk. Even experts change their ideas about things from one generation from another (sometimes more quickly). A parent needs the common sense to think for himself, know when he needs to listen to someone, and know when he should listen only to himself. Common sense comes in handy for things like knowing that letting a child stay up late one special night isn't the end of the world. Common sense helps parents understand that a birthday cake and some chips a few times a year is not the ruination of otherwise good eating habits.

A parent needs to be able to put the child's needs first, without resentment. In fact, a parent kind of needs to be able to feel happy about putting the child's needs first. That doesn't mean a parent shouldn't take care of himself. Children need parents who are healthy. Taking care of one's appearance is a way to be the good example a child needs. The kind of putting the child's needs first parents need is that kind that lets them stay up, dead-tired, if the child needs them to. It is waiting to eat until the child has eaten. It is doing without a trip to the gym because a child has a baseball game. It can mean sometimes not saying what one feels like saying, and instead saying what is best for the child to hear.

Although a parent can live with this, having good organizational abilities makes life a lot easier.

A parent needs to have a sense of humor and be willing to try to make the child laugh several times a day.

A parent needs to understand that most children go through some version of the same phases as they grow. One child may worry about lightning at seven, while another doesn't think about it until he's eight. A different child (the rarer one) may never fear lightning. In general, most children share developmental stages, even if some reach them earlier or later than other children do.

A parent needs to be very quick about washing sticky little hands. If parents aren't quick the baby wipes or wet paper towels they will find they live in a world of maple syrup, lollipop goo, and encrusted spit-up.

Sometimes a parent needs to know how to keep from crying even when he really feels like crying.

A parent needs to know how to expect respect from a child BUT ALSO how to show that the child the same kind of respect that all people deserve.

Knowing how to make children feel safe and secure, and being skilled at helping put the scary things in perspective, are skills a parent needs.

A good, solid, maternal or paternal instinct is important. The world is full of parents who show no signs of maternal or paternal instinct. These instincts are what help create a strong attachment. There are too many people who did not have proper attachment to at least one parent.

In the movie, "Forrest Gump," Forrest made the remark, "I may not be a smart man, but I know how to love." Parents don't have to be particularly smart people either, but each and every parent really does need a good, solid, understanding of what it means to love.

How to Raise Smart Kids

2009-05-30T01:53:00.000-07:00

How to Raise Smart Kids

Just A Note

2009-01-19T03:57:00.000-08:00

Today is the anniversary of the finalization of my son's adoption. Since this was something that took place before he'd be able to remember it, and since I've never much wanted to emphasize the fact that he's adopted, this special anniversary is pretty much something I keep to myself. After all this time, this year I have this blog - and so I decided to take the opportunity to post this. I guess it's my way of sort of celebrating (somehow), without suddenly making a big deal about it at this late date.

So - Happy "Down-played" Finalization Anniversary to me.

Thoughts on Advice for Mothers Who Gave Up Their Child for Adoption

2008-11-30T18:36:00.000-08:00

There was an online site that invited people to write about the following: "Advice for Mothers Who Gave Up Their Child for Adoption". As a birth mother of two and adoptive mother of one, I didn't really feel qualified to even try to give advice to birth mothers of adoptive children. Then, though, I wondered if any of my own perspective may, in some way, offer something at all comforting to birth mothers - so I decided to try to offer advice, from my own perspective (and with sincerest awareness that I am not qualified to offer advice):

The thought of giving up a child for adoption can seem so difficult to imagine in terms of all the emotional issues associated with it, any attempt to offer advice to women who have given up their child for adoption is something I approach with considerable caution. Before I do attempt to offer any kind of advice, though, I'd like to tell a story:

My first son was with me in infancy, but the legal process surrounding his adoption took three years. I was, as far as I knew, able to have children. I just knew of this beautiful infant who needed a mother and knew I could be an excellent mother to him. In any case, when he was three, and while the legal process dragged on, I decided to go ahead and have a baby because even though the biological clock wasn't screaming its alarms it was definitely ticking a little
louder. The legal process had kind of stalled, and while the adoption was the most important thing in the world to me, I knew if I wanted to give my son the same kind of childhood a lot of little kids have, complete with siblings, I should have a baby. Besides, I had wanted to have one.

The pregnancy that occurred, however, began to show trouble; and I went through months of it threatening to end. In spite of it, though, the adoption was finally moving forward; and we finally had an appointment that would tell us whether, in fact, we would now progress to finalizing the adoption. I was scared to death because I knew if anything went wrong with moving toward finalization it would mean my then three-year-old son would be placed with strangers. I didn't allow myself to think about the loss it would be for me because all I could think about was how he didn't know any other family. I prayed like I'd never prayed before, and - awful as this sounds - I prayed that if, for some reason, I was only supposed to be the mother of one child and not both the adopted one and the one I was expecting, that God let the adoption be finalized. I figured I knew and loved my first child. I had never met the one I was carrying. I felt guilty for trying to bargain with God this way because nobody could have wanted the baby she was carrying more than I did, and I imagined my helpless unborn baby having its own mother attempt to bargain away its life in favor of another child. I know none of this had any real sense in it because chances are God wasn't making a "One Child Only" rule in my case; but I guess because I had felt so incredibly blessed to be on the way to finalizing the adoption of my beautiful boy AND to be having another child, it someone all seemed to good to be true or too much to expect of life.

When we got to the appointment with the adoption people we were told the finalization would take place, and we had nothing to worry about when it came to whether this adoption was a sure thing. Not long after that I lost the baby I was carrying, and I don't pretend it was an easy thing to go through. I recall that the doctor kept saying, "You have your little boy." I'll be honest: When you're losing the baby you're carrying it isn't really the point that you have another child waiting for you at home.

There are times I've wondered (more then than recently) whether that first pregnancy could have been some test or whether God or whoever may be "out there" knew my first child needed my undivided attention for another year or so or even whether I had been punished for attempting to bargain away my biological baby's life in my imagined predicament of being forced to choose between the two children.

I can tell you this, though: If I were in the same situation again today, and if I was worried that I was being forced by some higher power to choose, because I had lived with and loved my first child for three years but didn't even know the baby I was carrying at all. Part of me, too, believes that there are times when we are faced with stark awareness of which child needs what the most, what is most fair to which child, and even how much do we know the child we carry and/or give birth to before we get a chance to get to know him/her better.

A year and a half after the miscarriage I had that little brother for my first son, who had been asking for a baby brother. Three years later I had their baby sister. What struck me most about first looking into the faces of each baby to whom I gave birth was how each appeared so foreign to me and how he just seemed like such a little stranger, while I knew that one day I would know each of them every bit as well as I knew my first child.

I am an adoptive mother and a biological mother, and my first piece of advice would be: Never underestimate the overwhelmingly powerful love an adoptive mother can have for a child someone else gave birth to.

My second piece of advice is: Try to recognize that no matter how much or how little we, mothers, have that urge to protect and keep safe and do what's best for that newborn little stranger, what we feel is very different from the impossible-to-describe love we have once we bring home our baby and begin to bond with them, enjoy them, be examples that they emulate, and generally just grow close.

I don't underestimate the physical connection and intensity of emotion that is associated with giving birth, but my point is maybe it will help the mother who gave her child up for adoption to remember that the separation process took place early enough to have provided the child with a very normal and natural bonding with his/her adoptive mother. While I never denied the reality that one of my son's biological parents gave him those gorgeous, golden, ringlets; I saw - first hand - how much he was like me and my husband and his siblings. For good or ill, the child adopted from infancy becomes a very different person than he would have been had he remained with his biological mother. Maybe it would help a biological mother to think of this rather than to imagine the child the baby would have become with her and mourn the loss of that child. In many ways adoption from infancy prevents that baby from becoming his biological mother's child when it comes to personality and other characteristics, so if that biological mother imagines a child ten years later and longs for him she's longing not for the child her baby became but for a child she imagines he became, and there's no point in longing for an imagined person.

I'm not underestimating the loss involved in giving a baby to another family, and I'm certain not underestimating the loss and emptiness that must be involved in knowing that somewhere out there one's biological child is living his/her life. I know it seems like an awful thing to say that giving a child up for adoption means preventing him from becoming what he would have become and letting him, instead, become a completely different person; but it seems to me that at least that thinking may help reduce some of the sense of loss years later.

My third piece of advice (and it isn't original by any means) is: Please try to remember always what an unselfish thing it is to decide to do what one believes is best for a child rather than what we may like to do.

My fourth piece of advice is: Please, too, don't feel guilty if the reason for placing your baby for adoption was that you weren't ready to care for him or her or even if you didn't feel you had the emotional resources to be the kind of mother a child needs.

My fifth piece of advice is: Please try - when you think about the child you gave to another family - to realize how his or her life is very likely no more perfect than any other child's or teenager's is but how (from a child's point of view) being very loved and loving the only family one knows isn't bad, considering how many kids in the world don't have that.

My sixth piece of advice is: Try to realize that your biological child's adoptive mother probably very much respects your role as the person who brought this child into the world. Even if the adoptive arrangement is a closed one, the adoptive mother usually feels a responsibility to point out to a child how his or her biological parents gave him or her certain things. Adoptive mothers often feel a particular commitment to doing a good job as a mother because they may feel that since they took on the role of mother to another woman's baby they owe that baby and biological mother a particularly careful and caring effort.

My seventh piece of advice is: If/when you have a reunion with your biological child don't expect the child you've been imagining all these years to show up. The child who shows up may look like family members, but he or she will most likely be very different from what you expected.

My eighth piece of advice is: If you are the one to seek the reunion consider asking the reunion people to find out first if the child is emotionally ready or if waiting just a little longer may be less likely to throw the child for a loop. The teenage years can be tumultuous for a lot of kids, and being adopted can sometimes be an added factor in some cases. For the teenager who has had particularly tumultuous teen years, and who may be just getting on his feet at 20 or 21, it may be mind-boggling to suddenly have faces of biological family and family stories that must be processed.

My ninth piece of advice is not related specifically to placing a child for adoption but is instead general advice on loss and grief: Any time we have a big loss and/or big grief it can take a lot of time for it to become less awful; and big enough loss and grief can sometimes remain with us to some degree for the rest of our lives. One of the best ways to feel a little better is to try to find as many positive things/experiences as possible to be able to have in our minds because if we don't try to "fill the empty mental space" with some positive things that bring some joy our minds have nothing to do but let the old, negative, thoughts just kind of sit and become scars. It sounds too simplistic, but finding as many joys in life as possible can give us those nice things to have in our mind, and after a while they push the bad stuff somewhere to the background rather than foreground of our thoughts.

And the tenth piece of advice: Find peace in realizing that you had the amazing strength to be able to make a decision to do what you believed was the right thing to do for the baby; and I think more often than not adopted children are appreciative of the good life they have been given as a result of your extraordinary strength and selflessness.

Just a final note: Every year as my son's birthday approached=s I think of his biological mother - hoping she had found peace, hoping she had gotten past the grief, wishing she could know how much, no matter how much I loved and wanted my son, I wished things could have been different for her. I think of her not only around his birthday, though, (although that's when it always happens without fail) but from time to time I've thought of her over all the years between his infancy and today (he's 30 now). She's always been, to me, this person I don't know and yet someone special for whom I have so much compassion and even caring. I've never underestimated her loss, but I've never wanted my son's life to be rooted in loss either; so I've tried to present his story to him in a way that highlights the gift of her decision because the unfortunate reality in the case of adoption is that a biological mother must go through a terrible loss in order to try to give her child what every child deserves and what she cannot - for whatever reasons -provide.

A Question About Adoptive Parents and An Expectation of Gratitude from Children

2008-11-10T21:24:00.000-08:00

A few days ago someone, who happens to be a birth mother of a child placed for adoption, asked if adoptive parents expect their child to be grateful to have been adopted.

I can't speak for other adoptive, but the answer, for me, is that I've never expected my son (who happens to be an adopted child) to have been any more grateful to me than I would hope my other two children may be. As far as gratitude goes, we've all heard that oft-repeated line, "I didn't ask to be born" (which could extend to "I didn't ask you to adopt me").

While, of course, I suppose I think my children (adopted or not) should have the kind of gratitude I have for having had good, loving, parents; I certainly have never expected any of them to have gratitude beyond that.

When we've been fortunate enough to have had kind, loving, parents it is only reasonable and normal to have a certain amount of appreciation. With regard to one of my children's being adopted and any gratitude, I expect no more from him or other adopted people than I would expect from any children who grow up with their biological parents.

With all three of my children, I am the one who has the gratitude for having been so blessed.

The Lesson of the Dreams

2008-08-11T02:54:00.000-07:00

The day we were in court to finalize the adoption, I was talking with the social worker as we waited in the hall. I was, of course, excited to have finally gotten to the day of finalizing the adoption; but I needed to talk to the social worker about something that had been bothering me. I began to ask her a question about the birth parents. I don't recall my words, but my question or comment was related to my trying to put myself in the place of the birth mother. There were things I needed to know, as I got ready to enter the judge's chambers.

When she realized that my questions and comment were about to be based on my trying to put myself in the birth mother's place, the social worker interrupted me fairly quickly. She said, "Lisa, there is no way you can imagine yourself in her place because 'these people' are so different. There's just no way you can put yourself in their place, and you can't be thinking that way." I had known my son's birth parents were troubled people who were very different than my family was, but I couldn't help but think of them as we prepared to sign the papers.

It was probably the social worker's comment that day, combined with a few odd incidents that went on when my son was small, that led to the recurring dreams I began to have. I'm not someone who usually has recurring dreams, but somewhere along the way I started to have the same dream every couple of months: I'd be looking out my living room window, and I'd see four shadowy figures on the lawn, under the trees. I couldn't make out whether they were women or men. They were dressed in black and wore hats. They all looked the same. It was one of those dreams that was disturbing, even though there was no terror in it. In the dreams I would be wondering why these disturbing figures stood silently on my lawn, at dawn or dusk, looking into my living room window. I wasn't really afraid of them. I just kept wondering what they were going to do. I wished they would come tell me why they were there - or else leave.

Since I was too busy to be thinking about dreams in those days, I just accepted that the disturbing dream occurred every so often. My son was eight when we moved to a different house. We had lived there for a few months before I had the dream, but the next time the shadowy figures showed up in a dream they weren't on the front lawn. In the new dream I was really terrified because, although I didn't see them, I knew they were in the basement.

This dream had terror that the previous ones had not. In it I locked the basement door, hoping they couldn't get into the house. The dream seemed to go on forever, and in it I was just in awful way. Suddenly, in this terrifying dream in which I knew the figures had gotten into my house, I realized they were walking up the basement stairs and that the lock would not keep them out. After I locked the door I kept thinking, "What are you going to do now? How long can you leave them trapped in the basement? You can't call the police. Are they there forever?" (In the dream, the basement apparently had no exit.)

I was also aware of thinking how they could see what was going on and would not find anything that made them unhappy or angry. Sometimes, though, it just felt as if they were there - not interested in anything but standing there.

Even though the basement stairs were closed in I could still see them filing, one by one, up the stairs. The first figure simply opened the door, came through it, and walked silently out my front door. The others followed.

I wasn't able (or brave enough) to leave the house, and I think I was aware that my children were asleep in their rooms. Because I knew I had no choice but to stay there and see what these figures would do, I backed up against the farthest wall possible. Suddenly, even though I had my three children by then, I was only holding my eldest son, as I watched the figures file past us and leave the house. In the dream, he was standing near me, and I was guarding him with my two arms. He was just there - not afraid or not aware of what was going on. It was clear that I was the only one who knew there was reason to be afraid in the dream.

As the last shadowy figure walked out the front door and closed it behind him, I was incredibly relieved. Then I felt kind of foolish for being so afraid of these repeat visitors to my dreams. There was never a dream in which any of these strange figures would tell me why that had loomed outside my home, how they got into the basement, or what it was they wanted. It turned out that once these dream figures had finally scared the heck out of me by being in the basement, walked up the stairs, showed me that there was no keeping them locked in the basement, and left; it suddenly became clear to me who/what they represented.

My son was, as I said, eight years old. I think, in my mind, I had reached a point where I felt that he was old enough that the presence of any real-life "shadowy figures" in his life/background would no longer hold the potential of making him confused. When he was little, there had been a few incidents that had made me have concerns about someone's trying to find him and take him. Only one of those incidents was real cause for concern, and that had occurred before he had been placed with me. The others were peculiar incidents, but necessarily related to members of his birth family.

So, I had had that concern when he was very young. More upper-most in mind, though, were my concerns about how much I would tell him when, how much he could deal with at what age, and whether his world would be turned upside if he learned too much too early.

After that final dream, the "message" was so plain to see: Once the shadowy figures got into the house (which was apparently some elevation of "their" attempt to make their presence known) and showed me they could not be locked in the basement, "they" had apparently accomplished their aim. "They" showed me, too, that even if they came up out of the basement they had no intent of doing anything but leaving me and my son to live our lives in peace together.

I'll never know if the figures in the dream actually represented the birth family or my own worries; or if my mind just put the logical, shadowy, mysterious, image to the whole adoption picture because that's what made the most sense. I just know the dreams stopped when he was eight and after we had moved.

Although my son had been placed as an infant, it took three years to actually finalize the adoption. Living under the threat of having something go wrong and having him placed with strangers he didn't know had been quite an ordeal. Anyone who has an almost three-year-old child, and knows how attached a child that age is, can imagine the anxiety I had had when I imagined his being moved for some reason. I was well aware of the damage that occur when young children are taken from the only family they know.

With three years of such fear for him; and then the few extra years of knowing that even if I handled things correctly the child I so treasured and adored could suffer emotional consequences if we were moved; it isn't any surprise that I would have recurring dreams.

All I know is that it was that final dream that made me realize that a difficult truth need not be buried, and would not hurt either my son or me. In fact, what the shadowy figures in my dream let me know was that, while I hadn't been able to keep them away, they had been the ones to choose to leave.

After years of reminding myself that my son was going to be adopted whether or not I was the one to adopt him; and after years of reminding myself that the birth parents would not have kept their parental rights regardless of who adopted my son; I found peace in realizing that I had had no hand in any loss they suffered. That's, I guess, when I realized that there were no shadows looming over my being my son's mother any more than there were shadows looming over my relationship with the two children I had myself.

The Rights of the Adopted Child

2008-08-10T03:18:00.001-07:00

When it comes to adopted children it seems fairly obvious to me that they have a right to know they have been adopted right from the beginning. It also seems obvious that the grown adopted children should have the right to meet and know their biological parents if they wish, and that their right to that should take precedence over the biological mother's "right to privacy". After all, "what is best for the child" is supposed to be what all mothers use when deciding what to do nor not do.

There are some rights, though, that adopted children should have that are often forgotten:

The right to be wanted is one that is often the reason children are placed for adoption.

The right to know that being adopted doesn't have to mean being different from the other kids is one right on which many people need to do some work. The right to feel "like everyone else" is a right some people think cannot be bestowed on adopted people. I don't believe feeling like everyone else is impossible for adopted children when adults present things correctly.

The right to understand the very significant ways nurturing in the first three years of life can affect a child's personality and brain development is one right many people forget that adopted children should have.

The right to be viewed by other people as no different from anyone else is a right that requires some work on the part of people who can have trouble "getting past it" once they learn someone has been adopted.

The right to the very normal thing of having one mother and one father at one time throughout the formative years.

The right to being shielded from some ugly realities that may exist in the adopted child's birth circumstances and the right to having any such ugly realities put in a perspective that helps the child understand better should not be overlooked.

The right to have the fact of his being adopted forgotten by people like adoptive relatives, teachers, neighbors and friends' parents is a right many adopted children don't have.

The right to be told how so many people who were not adopted children may know very little about their grandparents or other family members beyond their immediate family.

The right to be referred to by people outside their family (adoptive family) as "their son" and not "their adopted son".

The right to having parents point out any ways they see in which he happens to be similar to them in personality, abilities, or even - although its coincidence - any physical characteristics. I'm not suggesting parents of children who are very different in appearance must stretch the truth about physical traits. I'm saying that when any similar traits do exist adopted children can enjoy hearing the same kind of comparisons that biological children do. Nobody needs to bring up the genetic realities. Adopted children should just have the right to hear what non-adopted kids hear.

The right not to have the fact that they're adopted be the main focus of their life and existence, and this leads to the right to be a person in their own right.

On Giving Children Their Ancestral Tree - My Unpopular Opinion

2008-08-10T03:17:00.001-07:00

Today science is discovering a "watering down" that occurs in DNA over only a generation or two, so when it comes to DNA the only DNA that really matters very much is the DNA of the biological parents. Even with that, it is now also known that genes account for far less of what a person is than nurturing, lifestyle, and environment do.

When I adopted my infant son decades ago I had thought out parenting issues and the kind of parent I planned to be. I had studied up on child development, sorted out the kind of child I hoped to nurture, and believed that a certain type of nurturing would produce a certain type of child. It was only recently that I read how nurturing can alter brain development (brain connections), which can affect a child's immune system and stress response for the rest of his life. The wrong nurturing can cause brain cells to die, along with the potential they had had for developing.

I probably didn't need to read this scientific explanation of how brain development can be affected by nurturing because my son, who was an only child for five years before his brother was born, was exactly the kind of child I had hoped to "build". Because I was happy with the results of my efforts, when I had my second son I did the same things I had done with my first. Although each child, of course, had his individuality, the two little boys in my "set of two sons" were very similar in disposition and behavior.

When my daughter was born three years after my youngest son my plan was to be the same kind of parent to her. I had thought out how I would approach gender differences (because I had never had a girl before). I realized that my aim was to "raise a human first and let gender take care of itself later". My daughter, like her brothers, was the same kind of child. All three children were really reasonable, well behaved, kind, curious, little kids who seemed to love the world and the people in it. All three children were raised by a mother who had Irish and Scottish ancestry (to whatever extent that had any indirect impact on my own personality and thinking. All three children had a professional father with a little Italian, a little German, and a little British ancestry. All three children were clearly "melting-pot babies". What could be more American than being a melting-pot baby?" My adopted son did, however, had one extra nationality in his background, but since I wasn't one to put my weight to any of the nationalities of anyone's ancestry I didn't bring up his "extra" one.

I raised my children with the values and culture of my parents, which happened to be similar to the values of their paternal grandparents as well - American values, American culture. My children grew up hearing about their World War II Veteran grandfather, how their grandmother lost a first husband in the war, and my own stories about my childhood with their aunt and uncle. To whatever extent my American parents had impact on my own values and lifestyle, those values and lifestyle were something I passed along to my children. All three children had a strong sense of the culture in which they had been raised, which was essentially the result of the culture in which their father and I had been raised.

For my oldest son, of course, there was the biological parents, their culture, and their ancestors. The biological parents came from a culture where several children of the same mother have different fathers. It was a culture where poverty, ignorance, and violence are more common than those things are in middle-class America. My son had been neglected and had a skull fracture in early infancy. That could have been a matter of someone's losing a temper or of leaving the newborn with the wrong person - I don't know. It was, though, a culture from which my son was rescued by Social Services. It was a culture with which Social Services is extremely familiar. My son was born to a biological mother and to a culture that did nothing to treasure, protect, and love this innocent newborn who had no choice about his biological beginnings. My son was born to a biological mother and a culture where the people who try to protect innocent babies are enemies and where the littlest of tots are left to fend for themselves against negligent, violent, parents and the world in general.

When I brought the little stranger into my family I knew that I would be someone who broke the link in that chain of neglect, abuse, ignorance, and violence. This child would be raised in a culture of love and a culture of values, where children are protected and treasured the way children ought to be. He, like his siblings, would know what Memorial Day and Independence Day meant to his parents and grandparents. He would have his father's last name, my father's middle name, and a shortened version of the name his biological mother gave him (because in spite of my contempt for her behavior I still respected her as a human and as the person who brought him into the world). He would grow up celebrating the holidays of the family that was his, eating the food of whatever watered down culture his parents had, and knowing the ancestry that indirectly led to the person he would become.

When I became his mother I didn't just offer a couple of decades of emotional support, guidance, and a roof over his head. I gave him my life, my past, my future, and my family. For good or ill, he is what he is because of the life and roots I gave him. I don't mean to seem arrogant over what I gave this child who brought me so much joy, but - I'm sorry - I wouldn't have had all that I had to give him if it weren't for my own upbringing, culture, and family. For good or ill, I gave him everything that I had to give; and he is what he is because of that.

If I were to give my son his ancestral tree he would be a branch attached firmly next to the branches of his brother and his sister and two branches down from my parents. It is his right to investigate his genetic ancestry if he ever becomes so inclined, but there are a whole lot of branches on that particular tree that weren't there to keep him from falling off that tree and ending up with a skull fracture that would result in my bringing him back to the doctor for follow-ups for a solid year.

I will not, however, be giving my son a copy of a meaningless ancestral tree.

When Grandparents Adopt Their Grandchild(ren)

2008-08-10T03:15:00.000-07:00

When grandparents adopt their own grandchild it is usually the result of extremely difficult circumstances involving the child's parents. Whether the child's parents are unfit, have abandoned the child, or are deceased, helping the child have the right perspective on the circumstances will be challenging. I believe the healthiest way to see the role of such grandparents is to say that it has been expanded, rather than changed.

Children can adjust to living in situations other than those in which there are two happily married, biological, parents; but it is important to help a child of a "non-traditional" family see his/her situation as "normal". It is also vitally important to find a way to instill a sense of real security and stability in the child.

Whenever someone adopts a child that person is, of course, the child's parent. Being an adoptive parent, however, also means finding a way to help the child know the truth about his/her beginnings while also being able to have a healthy and appropriate perspective. The same truth can be presented in different ways, and those different ways can send different messages. For example, an adoptive parent can send the message, "Poor you. Your mommy has serious problems, so I had to adopt you. I wish things were different for you." A different message sent to the same child could be, "Your mommy, whom I love very much, was not able to take care of you; but she knew how much I love her and you, and knew you and I belong together."

It is generally agreed that adopted individuals benefit when they know their roots and have some idea about the circumstances under which they were placed for adoption, so being honest with the child about being his/her grandparent would seem to be a good way to start presenting the truth. Not telling the child about the adoption is generally not considered the healthiest approach. If the biological mother remains in life of her parents and child it could potentially be confusing for a child if all the adults involved try expect to be seen as his parents.

Whether in the role of biological parent, adoptive parent or grandparent, the loving adult who raises the child, bonds with the child, and takes on parental responsibilities is obviously acting as a parent. The legal adoption makes it official that the person is a parent. What that person calls herself, though, may be the only question. This is where, I believe, it is important to reinforce for the child that there is continuity in his/her life, and that the role of his/her grandparent has been expanded, rather than changed.

I believe that explaining to the child who his/her biological mother is, what the role of a parent is, and how adoption makes someone other than the biological mother a child's parent would be the way to handle the situation. It would seem to me that a child would feel most secure and understand the situation best if the grandparent said something like, "Susie is your biological mother. I am your grandmother. That's why you call me, 'Grammy'. When I adopted you it meant that I also became your parent forever because Susie is not able to be a parent."

When it comes to grandparents, in healthy situations grandparents and grandchildren are extraordinarily close, whether or not children are with their biological parents. Generally, the bond between grandparents and grandchildren is a powerful one that should not be underestimated. When children are cared for by grandparents (even in situations not involving being adopted by them) they are closer still. I believe this relationship is an important enough one that nobody should decide to sacrifice it in favor of being a child's parent. It seems to me that a child could have a better perspective by seeing his/her grandparent in an expanded role, rather than by being faced with having to sort out the differences between mothers, adoptive mothers, grandmothers, and other grandmothers.

The definition of the word, "grandparent," is related to the individual's relationship with one of the child's parents. The definition of the word is not derived from whether or not an individual indulges the child, although many people have come to associate that connotation with the word. Not all grandparents indulge children more than the children's parents do. Not all grandparents spend more "special time" with children than the children's parents do. Parents and grandparents all have different types of relationships with children. In the "standard" situation in which a child has parents, and grandparents have the traditional grandparent role, it is not appropriate for grandparents to take on the general parenting role. Good parenting, however, is something that comes for love, care, emotional maturity, and common sense. Good parenting includes offering a child what s/he needs, and I suspect that most grandparents who love their grandchild enough to adopt him/her will naturally lean toward being the good parent that the child needs.

Keeping the title, "grandparent", while assuming the additional role of parent is not keeping a title that implies inferiority. When grandparents have been solid, loving, good, parents to their own children they don't lose their parenting skills just because their children have children. When they have made mistakes with their children they have the benefit of hindsight to have learned from those mistakes. Good, solid, loving, grandparents don't usually have fewer parenting skills than their children do because they have the benefit of experience, wisdom and the perspective of maturity, in addition to the parenting skills they've always possessed. When a grandparent takes on the additional role of parent s/he should not see the title, "grandparent", as "less"; and s/he should not send the message to the child that the title means having a parent who is "less". I believe that the grandparent who adopts a grandchild should proudly make it clear that s/he is someone who is clearly "more" or "both".

One of the best examples any parent can show a child is that people can, and should, define their own role, regardless of any labels placed on that role. Another important example a parent can show a child is that responsible, loving, adults rise to the occasion, adapt, and find ways to offer the child they love what every child deserves - good parenting regardless of the title of the person providing it.

When a person adopts his/her grandchild that person is both the child's grandparent and parent. It is a fairly common situation and not very difficult for a child to understand. Helping the child see that grandparents can be parents too may be the best way for the child to understand the truth. More importantly, it could be one way to help a child see the stability and continuity offered by his birth family.

The world is full of adults who have become very successful and famous, and who have stated that they owe it all to their grandmother, who raised them, taught them right from wrong, and was "both mother and father" to them as well. These are people who have seen for themselves all the things a grandparent can be without being required to sacrifice the title, "grandparent."

Open Adoption - Things to Consider Before Signing On

2008-08-09T21:33:00.000-07:00

As an adoptive mother to one of my three children, I have spent years thinking about and reading about the issues surrounding adoption.

When my son was an infant I began thinking about all the things I would tell him and when I'd tell him certain things. I thought about how much truth to share, what I should perhaps hold back until later, and how I could present a picture of his beginning that was, in reality, quite negative, in a way that made it look positive. Over the thirty years since my first child was an infant I've come to have the feeling that - whether its how it should be or not - there are times when what people who favor open adoption believe so conflicts with what people who don't believe that is can seem as if the adoptive mother not in favor of open adoption comes from the dark ages or else wants to deny her child something she really doesn't.

I didn't have the option of an open adoption when my son was placed with me permanently, so not having that option made me ask myself whether my son was missing something he should have. He came to me after he was removed from the home of the biological mother and after he had sustained a skull fracture for which he was hospitalized and that healed. Once when I asked a social worker a question that led her to realize I was trying to put myself in the biological mother's place she said to me, "You can't do that. She is so different from you there is no way you can put yourself in her place." I later learned that aside from any history of child abuse, the biological mother was said to be "of limited mental capacity". I was told that there was a live-in boyfriend and a question of whether the baby was his and a few other young children that were in one place or another. I haven't described the extent of what I had been told, but this is an example of the truth that I needed to find a way to - at one point in his life or another - share with my son.

When he was very little I was very aware of wanting him to feel like "all the other kids". I did, after all, have two biological children and was particularly aware of my desire to make sure he didn't feel different. When he asked about where babies come from I took advantage of the opportunity to tell him that ladies have babies, and, I added, usually when a lady has a baby she brings the baby home and is his mother; but sometimes if a lady knows she doesn't know how to be a mother or can't take care of a baby the right way she may ask another

lady to be the baby's mother. This was my story, and I stuck to it for a good, long, time. I reasoned that the normal thing for children is to have one mother and one father at one time. I believed, too, that even if there were the chance to have an open arrangement with this biological mother what that would do would be to put a face on someone who was not to him, at that time, more than a story. Later he would, of course, realize that the "story" had a real person attached to it, but when he was little the story was enough to explain where he came from, and that's all some five-year-olds are interested in.

I reasoned, too, that having an open adoption situation where the biological mother visited or called and where pictures were sent on a regular basis would make an adoption feel like unpaid foster care, besides possibly adding a confusing element to a young child's identity and understanding that he, like everyone else, has just one mother. While I did not change his first name (although I added my father's name as a middle name), and while I certainly admired the golden curls he had inherited from one of the biological parents, there was only so much acknowledgement of her contribution AT THAT TIME that I thought was right if I were to raise a secure child who didn't feel different from his siblings or friends. My plan was not to try to deny him the chance to meet this person someday. I just wanted him to have the very normal, mother/father/three kids/one dog/one cat, family in which to grow, hopefully, secure and well adjusted and able to deal with any issues related to having been adopted once he was mature enough.

Also, although this may sound awfully cold-hearted, I've always believed that the very definition of "adoption" involves one set of parents' becoming the very real parents of a child; and in order to have that sacred relationship be what all parent/child relationships are. In other words, if adoption gets watered down to resemble unpaid foster care, the nature of adoption does get completely changed. Whether or not an adoptive relationship can be of equal intensity and strength and bonding when there is a part-time, other mother, who shows up at Christmas time is a question people need to seriously consider. The idea that "there's room for everyone" may not, in reality, hold true when it comes to a child's view of the person who is his mother.

My heart has always broken for all biological mothers who give us their children

for adoption, but I've always believed that the cold, hard, and even horrible, reality of adoption is that all ties are cut. That is the very thing that makes placing a child for adoption such an awful and difficult thing for biological mothers, but my belief has always been if a mother wants to keep in touch with her child she should not be placing him for adoption at all. When the argument in favor of open adoption is aimed at any benefits to the child, I'm not sure that there are benefits; and if there are they may not be worth the complications and even compromises of the child's chance to have what all children tend to see as "normal" - one mother and one father.

When my son was a little past twenty-one years old he received a letter from people who arrange reunions between adopted children and their biological mothers. He told me he wasn't going to "bother" because he wasn't "interested", and I asked him if he would at least call the woman who contacted him and tell her to tell the biological mother he is ok. I told him she deserves at least that much. He eventually agreed to meet his biological mother and some biological family members, and it did throw him a little to discover some of the ugly facts surrounding his beginnings. My bond with my son, however, is as strong as they come; and just as I had picked up the pieces after his rough beginnings, I embarked 21 years later on efforts to help pick up the pieces after his reunion. I'm not an adopted child, and there's a whole lot I don't know about my own "roots" beyond my parents. I've lived comfortably without a lot of information, and I can't help but believe that adopted people, too, could live comfortably without some information IF they have been raised in a way that has not caused them to overemphasize the importance of that information.

I am in favor of sharing some information with even the youngest adopted child, and I'm in favor of sharing more information as the child grows. Doing this can help prepare a child for the reunion that probably will, and should, take place. To that extent, I'm not in favor of "deep, dark, secrets" sealed in files somewhere. When it comes, however, to a child's having "Mary, who visits" and "Mommy who I live with", I just think it robs a child of an innocence and normal childhood. If the arrangement will be that the child never knows that "Aunt Mary" is his biological mother, then the only point in having "Mary" come around or call wouldn't be

to give the child knowledge of his whole story but, instead, just to let "Aunt Mary" keep in touch with her biological child, and that may be good for "Aunt Mary" but when reunion time comes the child may be thrown more for a loop than the child who meets a stranger who introduces herself as his biological mother.

Finally: I adopted my son because I wanted him, and there has never been one second of the last 30 years when I allowed myself to think about what I offered him rather than the joy and love he brought into my life. Still, with every child we have we devote an incredibly amount of love, worry, thought, and nurturing. With an adopted child there can be a little extra thought and planning involved because of the circumstances. I was able to raise my son with his siblings, who happen to be my biological children, as my own because there was no other mother in the picture. I could not have done an equally good job of that if a biological mother were sending me mail and calling and expecting pictures. It may sound unreasonable, but there is something in my maternal instinct that would not be capable of sustaining the quality of the bond I share with all three of my kids if the dynamics had been changed.

People sometimes seem to forget that the adoptive mother isn't just someone who was blessed with a child, but she is often someone required to figure out how to build that unshakable bond even with some of the "holes" that can threaten the adoptive bond. She can also be someone who is left to pick up the pieces when a child's beginnings affect something like his ability to learn once he gets to school. My belief is that I could not have done as good a job FOR my son (not me) under an open adoption arrangement; and while my heart goes out to biological mothers who give up their babies, I think adoptive mothers should have the right and responsibility to do the best job possible - and there is at least the possiblity that closed adoption may allow adoptive mothers to do just that.

How and When to Tell Your Child - An Opinion

2008-08-09T06:51:00.000-07:00

My oldest son was adopted from infancy, and - like most children - he began asking about where babies come from before he began kindergarten. I saw this as the perfect time to explain how unborn babies grow "inside a lady's body" and how once the baby is born the lady usually takes him home and is his mother.

I explained, though, that sometimes when a lady has a baby she is not able to bring him home and be his mother, either because she doesn't know how to be a mother or because she is not able to be. This, I explained, was why sometimes when a lady has a baby she will give it to another lady and ask her to be his mother. I also told him that sometimes the lady who had the baby doesn't know someone who knows how to be a really good mother for a baby, and that's when the lady who had the baby asks a social worker to find a really good mother for her baby.

When my little son asked if I knew the lady who had had him I told him I only knew the social worker, and that she was the one to tell the lady who had him about me. I told my son that I knew he was born at 5:28 p.m. and that he weighed 5 lbs and was 21" long. I told him I knew he had been born "upside down" and that I did know that the lady who had him just didn't know how to take care of a baby well enough to be his mother. (In truth, I had reason to lay this foundation for future talks with him about his beginnings.) If he had other questions he didn't ask them until he was a teenager, but even then he seemed to show little curiosity.

If I were ever to adopt another infant I would handle telling him or her the same way I did with my son. It wasn't earlier than was necessary, so he had the chance to be good and bonded before this discussion took place. It was natural to include this information in the talk about where babies come from while letting him know that while his situation (being adopted) was not as common as being raised by biological parents, it was not unique either. I did not use the term, "adopted", however, because I didn't want my preschool child, who had always just seen himself as "every other kid". to have a word that may emphasize the difference between him and other children he knew. When he got a little older, and when the information about my not having given birth to him had become quite old, I showed him the adoption certificate proudly and said how precious that certificate was to me.

He grew up knowing the truth from the time he was young enough to ask "where do babies come from?" without having his childhood marred by a lot of information he wasn't ready to process until he got older and began to ask some questions other questions. By then he was more ready for those answers.

Ideas on Gifts for Adopting Parents

2008-08-09T06:45:00.000-07:00

When a child has been adopted from infancy there is no difference between parenting an adopted child from day to day and parenting a biological one. I know because I have one adopted child and two biological children, and I did the same things with all of them. Also, all three of them grew up to be very similar people when it comes to many things.

There are, however, realities involved for an adopted child; and being the parent of an adopted child means acknowledging those realities, figuring out how to present them to child in a way that won't cause him to think those realities play a larger role in his life than they need to, and trying to have at least a little birth and delivery information so that the child won't feel as if he knows nothing about his arrival into the world. When it came to my son's biological family's medical history, that had to wait until he grew up. There wasn't a way for me to get that for him.

There was also the issue of his nationality. He is of the same race as his father and I am, but of a very different nationality than any of the number of nationalities his father and I have in our backgrounds. When it came to discussing nationalities I never wanted to deny where things like his coloring came from, but I didn't want to play up the differences between him and the other four of us in his family. Because of this I emphasized to him and the other children that they are all "melting pot" children, and there are so many nationalities among the five of us that they should see themselves as perfect examples of what American children are - "melting pot babies". When it came to culture, I had to figure out how to present that as well. I told all three children that although I'm far enough away from my own "roots" that my culture is pretty much "straight American", if anything I did in terms of family life was someone indirectly the result of any generations-ago nationalities that would mean that my children were also growing up in that culture, and so I told my adopted son that my culture was his culture.

When it came to family history, I made sure to talk about things like his grandfather's (my father's) being a World War II veteran. He would never meet his biological grandparents, and he would never meet my deceased father, so figuring out why my father was his grandfather while the biological grandparents were not required some reasoning on my part. I reasoned that since I was the product of my parents' upbringing

and lifestyle, and since I was the mother of all three of my children who would, in turn, be the product of the lifestyle I gave them, my son was more the grandchild of my parents than of the biological mother's/father's parents. When it came to some of the realities involved with their being a biological family somewhere I had to find ways to present the truth to my son in a way that would not leave him feeling "rootless" if he were not to meet his biological family. It had to, however, be a truth that included that part of his being that was only his - not mine, not his father's, and not his brother's or sister's. Still, I had to be careful not to let that part of his being that was his own and nobody else's not to overshadow all the security and wholeness and permanence that comes from being as bonded to an adopted family as biological children are to their biological families.

When my son was an infant one of the first things I did was think about any holes in the fabric of his life from delivery through the rest of his life when it came to missing information or things I could share with my biological children about them that I didn't have for sharing with him. Besides getting as much of his delivery information as possible (41 weeks gestation, breech, 5 lbs 14 oz, 21" tall, 5:28 p.m.)I made sure to collect as many pictures as possible during his infancy in my attempt to further reinforce a sense of stability. On those aspects of his beginnings, nationality, and any other issues associated with being adopted but having a mother who didn't see him as adopted at all; it was a matter of trying to fill in those holes, and it was often a matter of feeling that I patched them rather than doing something that would make them disappear. They weren't going to disappear. I had to figure a way to "patch them".

There were some issues, too, related to some learning problems and scar tissue on his retina. I was told this could have resulted from something in the prenatal environment, so the other thing my oldest son didn't have that my biological children did was the kind of prenatal environment I knew they had had. There were a couple of other things in my son's medical history right after he was born that he needed to know about as well. Figuring out a way to present those realities involved waiting until he was plenty grown-up before discussing them. On the one hand, I had this child who was beautiful and healthy and bright and lively and wonderful

and nothing but a joy. On the other, the difference between being his mother and the mother of my other two children was that there could, in somewhat minor ways associated with his medical history, be times when I felt I was "picking up the pieces".

I don't want to sound like a "martyr" when I mentioned that I realize so much of his childhood involved picking up the pieces in some way. I didn't mind, and I was ready to take on whatever was involved when I signed on to be his mother. When I planned to have my biological children I was ready to take on whatever was involved, and this was no different - except that no matter what "realities" one's biological children come into the world with, it is never a matter of picking up the pieces. Picking up the pieces is the territory of at least some adoptive mothers and fathers. More accurately, picking up the pieces and sticking them back together to keep more from falling away. It has required a lot of thinking and planning when it comes to what to tell him, how to tell him, when to tell him, and any number of other things; and I haven't minded at all. It has probably given me some form of a deeper bond with him in a way I can't describe (because I am certainly more than deeply bonded with the other two children).

My only issue with this picking-up-the-pieces thread that has often run through my relationship with the son I always felt was mine and who some stranger gave birth to has been that I resent that this stranger brought this baby into the world and into a situation that meant there would be pieces to pick up at all. No child deserves that. On the one hand, I have tremendous compassion and understanding for the biological mother. I certainly have sympathy for her, and when I think of her my heart aches for her. Still, it doesn't. Parenting an adopted child doesn't necessarily cause conflicted feelings, although you may think it does. I have conflicted feelings over the biological mother but over my relationship with my son.

The best way to describe it is to say that my relationship with my son has been just the same as it has always been with my other two children - but it has had something extra off to the side that needed to be addressed. It hasn't been a big part of our relationship by any means, but it has been a bigger aspect of his life than just the name of the person who had him and the circumstances of his delivery.

When it comes to biological children we kind of take it

for granted that they won't have this "extra thing off to the side". There's an ease in the relationship and no need to try to figure out so many things about what to say and how to make sure what we say won't create cracks in the bond. With an adopted child there can be the feeling that since that take-it-for-granted connection that comes from having given birth to our children isn't there we need to figure out a way to build something concrete out of something abstract - and it can be frightening to think that if we don't find a way to encapsulate our bond in solid enough reasoning and thoughts and love that bond could be at risk. The frightening thing isn't even so much whether the child loves us back; and even though a big fear is that he won't know how much and how solidly he is loved, that isn't the main thing that is frightening. What is frightening is the thought that the child may grow up not realizing that he has grown up enveloped in the very same security and love that biological children usually have, and that he should never feel that he has missed anything that any other child gets to have.

I always believed if I could make my son strong and patch up any of those cracks in his sense of identity with just the right words said the right way over and over again that he may feel whole enough when he grew up. On the one hand, I think he probably does. On the other, I don't dilude myself into believing he doesn't have some things on his mind that he would never say to me. Maybe he doesn't, but most have things they won't say to their mothers.

Often, though, I get the feeling all is fine when it comes to his sense of identity; and particularly, on my birthday each year and on Mother's Day the verses on the beautiful cards he always gets me are so carefully chosen and so powerful it makes me realize that he, too, is aware of that "extra thing on the side" and is trying to find some words somehow that will further toughen the patches on those tiny fractures in the foundation of his relationship with me and his place in the world as my son.

Ideas for Celebrating a New Adoption

2008-08-09T06:08:00.002-07:00

Celebrating an adoption appropriately depends on the age of the child. Infants, obviously don't know what's happening. Toddlers may or may not have some idea of what "seems to be going on". Older children know exactly what is going on; some may be delighted at finally getting permanent parents, but others may be ambivalent or worse even when they appreciate what their new parents are trying to be for them.

This should, perhaps, go without saying, but celebrating an adoption should take place only upon finalization. Too many things can go on, and having a premature celebration can only worsen the sense of loss should something happen that prevents finalization.

When the adoptee is an infant or young toddler (under two or so) the celebration can be very similar to a Christening get-together. Family and friends can be invited. Decorations similar to those used in a Christening but with, perhaps, some pink or blue accents added to a mostly white decor is a nice way to celebrate the adoption of a baby. People who belong to a church may want to ask a member of the clergy if some kind of religious service could be performed before the party or if their adoption could be mentioned at a regular service. A nice cake, some "baby-color" balloons and lots of pastel flowers can add nice touches. A tray of favors that are appropriate for the occasion may be a nice addition to the celebration.

If the child is an older toddler a similar celebration would be appropriate, although light green and light blue, yellow, or pink and lilac accents (and more of them) may be a way to convert the atmosphere into one that would seem more appropriate for a two-year-old or three-year-old.

For children between three and five, the adoptive parents need to know the child and know how comfortable he is with them. Would this party be something the child can take in stride, or is this a child for whom a party may be a little too much? Some older children who are being adopted do have some emotional issues, so a party may not be right for all children. If a party is something the child will enjoy it may be appropriate to select a color scheme for decorations that doesn't have that "white, Christening, atmosphere". Instead, light green and/or blue for boys or pink and/or lilac or pink and/or yellow for girls would create a pretty atmosphere.

When the adoptee is older than five the adoptive parents need to understand what type of celebration the child would appreciate most. Asking the child is he'd like a party makes sense. Asking if he'd like to have a special dinner at a nice restaurant with some several family members and friends is something else to consider. Older children who would enjoy a party should be given the chance to offer input on decorations. Maybe the color theme and cake flavor could be their choosing (just no Spiderman or Barbie).

A Little Verse

2008-08-09T06:08:00.001-07:00

FOR MY TODDLER SON WHO ASKED

ME TO BUY HIM THE MOON:

Yes, I'd buy you the moon

if I thought it would make you happy.

And I'd wrap it up in rainbows

and seal it with a special kiss for you.

But the moon is much too high,

and I'm always five-feet-two.

I can't reach it

though I'll surely try for you.

On Parenting A Child Who Happens To Be Adopted

2008-08-09T05:52:00.000-07:00

When it comes to biological children we kind of take it

Loving An Adopted Child Unconditionally - Someone Asked, I Answered

2008-08-09T05:50:00.000-07:00

It is amazing to me that there could ever be a debate about whether or not it is possible to love, unconditionally, an adopted child.

As the mother of one adopted-from-infancy son and two biological children, I know that when a child is adopted from infancy there is no difference in how a mother loves that child. There can, however, be a difference when a child is adopted past infancy.

One reason potential adoptive parents try to adopt infants is their wish to have those first three years with their child. During the first three years of life children's brains and personalities are forming, so adopting a child as early in infancy as possible offers the best chance of parents' having the most impact on a child's personality and development.

If a normal, loving, mother adopts a child from infancy she will bond with that child in every bit the same way she would bond with a biological child. If the wrong mother (one who has "issues" over the adoption factor or over placing too much emphasis on the significance of "blood", for example) adopts a baby she may not be able to love that child unconditionally. That would not, however, be because the child had been adopted. It would be because the mother had her own emotional issues that prevented her from having the normal adopted and parent/child relationship with her child.

The same holds true for some fathers - only more so. Aside from any emotional problems men may have as a result of an inability to have biological children, men generally have biological hard-wiring that makes bonding with non-biological children more difficult. Many men, of course, are beyond any evolutionary hard-wiring. Not all are. As a result of men's different hard-wiring, though, more men than women are likely to say they have had difficulty loving an adopted child unconditionally. Here again, any difficulty would be the result of a man's being governed more by sexuality-based hard-wiring than some men may be; so, again, the problem would not lie in the adoption factor but in the parent's inability to overcome his own issues. (Many men have more issues than women when it comes to loving their biological children as well.)

When children are adopted from infancy there is no reason that a normal bonding process and love should not occur. Before I had any children I knew what kind of parent I wanted to be, knew what I wanted to offer my children, and knew what was important to me when it came to the kind of children my children would be. I had the benefit of assuming I'd be able to have biological children when I adopted my oldest son. As my first child he was the first child with whom I could put my parenting ideas into practice. All went as planned, so as the other children came along I did pretty much the same things. Of course, all three children have their own personalities, but they were also very similarly behaved children and children who were equally and intensely bonded with me.

When children are over two when they're adopted it can be a little more challenging. Their personalities (and emotional damage) are often well established. While the child who spends the first two years of his life with his parents is usually very much the product of his parents' nurturing, the child who has been with biological family or other caretakers can have a very different personality from his adoptive parents. When the well established personality of an older adopted child is very different from his adoptive parents parents can sometimes overlook that and love the child as parents should love their children. It can be a challenge for some adoptive parents, particularly when the older adopted child has emotional issues that involve behavior problems.

When older children are adopted they can have grieving over the loss of even an abusive biological family, and sometimes that grief, itself, can lead to children's pulling away from adoptive parents even if the consequences of neglect or abuse were not as serious as they sometimes can be. When children pull away it can make them seem a little less lovable, as well as lead to behavior that is even less lovable. The right adoptive parents may be able to get past a good part of this type of situation as well, although when it is serious enough it can be almost impossible to get past it.

When parents have only adopted children and have not had biological children they can sometimes associate difficulties in their relationship with the adoption, when - really - they would have had the same difficulties with biological children. Adoption can be an easy thing to blame when all is not perfect in one's feelings for one's child(ren).

Parents who plan to adopt an infant need to be very emotionally solid, and parents who plan to adopt an older child need to have a special kind of understanding, strength, compassion, and maturity. Of course, biological parents need these things too; but the difference is when a parent's love for his biological child is flawed parents seem to accept that human relationships just aren't always perfect. When an adoptive parent knows his feelings toward his child(ren) are flawed he tends to blame the adoption factor - and adoptive children know it.

As for my own family, I have had the son I love unconditionally in my life for 31 years now. I've loved him unconditionally for all 31 of those years and assume nothing will change at this point. He was a stranger when I met him, but so were the little guy and little girl I first met in the delivery room. I cannot put into words the love I've always had for all three of my children, but I can tell you that I've loved them all in exactly the same way.

When you adopt a child you need to be sure that you can offer that child everything an excellent parent could offer a biological child. If you're not sure you can offer that then you shouldn't adopt. I was sure - and I was right.