tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-79605192378956695072011-06-20T22:44:10.134-07:00The end of the world is coming in 2011...or possibly 2012....or some other time.Patrick Rigneynoreply@blogger.comBlogger1125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7960519237895669507.post-6680749794661761672011-05-17T11:45:00.000-07:002011-05-17T12:55:07.103-07:00<div>The End of the World is coming.</div><div><br /></div><div>Like it or not, we're all going to disappear. </div><div><br /></div><div>That's just how life works...in case you never saw <i>The Lion King</i>.</div><div><br /></div><div><iframe width="560" height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/vX07j9SDFcc" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe></div><div><br /></div><div>But HOW, WHEN, and WHY is the world going to end? That's why I'm here.</div><div><br /></div><div><u>HOW</u></div><div><br /></div><div>Everybody knows the obvious scenarios:<br /><br />Asteroid/Sun Blows Up/Reverse of Earth's Magnetic Field/Volcanoes</div><div><br /></div><div>You saw Deep Impact, right? </div><div><br /></div><div><img src="http://gettinloose.files.wordpress.com/2011/03/deep-impact.gif" /></div><div><br /></div><div>You didn't????!!!</div><div><br /></div><div>You saw Armageddon, right? </div><div><br /></div><div><img src="http://www.agonyboothmedia.com/images/articles/Armageddon_1998/animal_cracker.jpg" /></div><div><br /></div><div>Yeah, no team of drillers is going to stop an asteroid. Not even one with Bruce Willis.</div><div><br /></div><div>And apologies to that shitty Danny Boyle movie (2007) Sunshine, but we're not going to restart the sun. Ever. And if the world is going to stop turning, there's nothing Hilary Swank can do to save us. The sun shoots gamma rays and could basically either obliterate us or cook the solar system any time it damn well pleases. Apologies to that shitty Tommy Lee Jones movie or that other one with James Bond and the old lady getting swallowed up by the acid lake, but if enough volcanoes start esssploding (say it like Desi Arnaz) the world's going to be a pretty uninhabitable place, buttttt 5% of all species survive. So maybe you'll be part of that. Here's what you have to look forward to:</div><div><br /></div><div><iframe width="425" height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/R5VOEu0REs4" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe></div><div><br /></div><div>Nukes</div><div><br /></div><div><img src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_EJU0ysQEVro/SZhBaAC5yhI/AAAAAAAAA9o/SAPAgRax7vY/s400/Dr_Strangelove_Nuke_Ride.jpg" /></div><div><br /></div><div>It's a classic situation. Countries go to war. Human death toll gets huge. Some asshole makes the call to use the keys to the big machines. Flash. Bang. Eerie silence. You're probably dead, but if you're not... you'll want to be from all of the fallout, pollution, radiation sickness and otherwise. Mother nature, humanity, and yes, even those cute manatees... wiped the funky chicken out.</div><div><br /></div><div>Here's the first part of the movie "When the Wind Blows". Watch it, you cold, soulless jerks and get a spare box of Kleenex. The whole thing should be on the ol' YouTube. So watch it -- yes the whole movie -- before it's gone... or you are. Just a little Apocalypse humor, people. Smiles and daydreams.</div><div><br /></div><div><iframe width="425" height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/6EbsrJuAoQo" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe></div><div><br /></div><div>Jesus</div><div><br /></div><div><img src="http://www.deplicque.net/articles/article_img/return.jpg" /></div><div><br /></div><div>A bunch of people think it's happening this weekend. And by a bunch of, I mean like maybe eight crazies and probably one guy doing it just for the tang because he's into weirdo religious cult-y chicks. Don't judge him, that's what Jesus is s'pposed ta dooooo. <br /><br />So the point is, JC is going to return, and I don't mean overdue videocasettes or library books (we'll get to that later). I mean to Earth. And shit's gon' git real. I'm guessing a few of you have perused the pages of The Good Book or at least have a general sense of what's expected -- if not, skip to the ending... go ahead, you'll get a sense of what's up. Suffice to say, if any of that shit starts going down, I'd suggest joining up with the good guys. Then again, never underestimate the underdog, right? Who doesn't love an underdog?</div><div><br /></div><div><img src="http://kara.allthingsd.com/files/2010/10/underdog2.jpeg" /><br /><br /><br />Disease<br /><br /><iframe width="425" height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/KDjOvpGFN_0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe></div><div><br /></div><div>You know, I have to say, you really won't have a choice whether or not you want to be down with the sickness.</div><div><br /></div><div><img src="http://travelblog.viator.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/disneyland-happy-kids.jpg" /></div><div><br /></div><div>Robots</div><div><br /></div><div>Whether it's giant robots or our devices revolting against their enslavers (me... and <i>you</i>, at the keyboard, yes I'm talking about <i>you...</i> we're screwed) or nanotechnology ripping us apart from the inside out (don't read up on this... it'll just scare you into buying a helium tank and a plastic bag for "emergency use only").</div><div><br /></div><div><img src="http://cdn.gajitz.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/robot-baby-diego-san.jpg" /></div><div>(This is why Frank never worried about getting laid in high school. He can make babies without you, Jennifer Meriwether!!!) </div><div><br /></div><div>Global Warming</div><div><br /></div><div>Yeah, it's real. Don't question Al Gore.</div><div><br /></div><div><img src="http://scmidnightflyer.com/al_files/beard2.jpg" /></div><div><br /></div><div>Especially when he has a beard.</div><div><br /></div><div>Scientists</div><div><br /></div><div><img src="http://www.metrolic.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/mad_scientist.jpg" /></div><div><br />Crazy ass scientists could mess up something by accident or on purpose. Either way, playing God or a quick game of "Catch the Beaker Full of Man-Made Disease" is not advisable. </div><div><br /></div><div>Mass Insanity</div><div><br /></div><div><img src="http://img.izismile.com/img/img2/20090316/crazy_people_75.jpg" /></div><div><br /></div><div>By 2020, depression will likely be the 2nd leading cause of death. The WHO (World Health Organization... no to be affiliated with Dr. Seuss's pleasant Who's from Whoville) estimates that 500 Million People worldwide currently suffer from mental illness. If that number goes up, all the crazies take over, start a doomsday cult and kill off us Regulars. </div><div><br /></div><div><img src="http://www.newsrealblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/john_wayne.jpg" /></div><div><br /></div><div>Aliens</div><div><br /></div><div><img src="http://www.hardmode.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/earf.jpg" /></div><div><br />A force from outside our world comes in and apocalypses us and even Will Smith is helpless. You know how it goes down... if not, see fucking Mars Attacks!</div><div><br /></div><div>Existence is All A Manipulated Reality (The It Was All A Dream Scenario)</div><div><br /></div><div>We're in The Matrix. We're all someone's creation. </div><div><br /></div><div>What a total cop out. Lamest. World-ending scenario. </div><div><br /></div><div><img src="http://geeksofdoom.com/GoD/img/2011/01/2011-01-23-matrix1.jpg" /></div><div><br /></div><div>Ever.</div><div><br /></div><div><i>But why did you leave out Zombies</i>?</div><div><br /></div><div><img src="http://www.filmsquish.com/guts/files/images/Dawn%20of%20the%20Dead1.jpg" /></div><div><br /></div><div>Because they're not fucking real. Never have been, never will be. Don't send me some link about some disease that mimics the symptoms of zombie-ism or some creature that takes over your body. While we're at it, let's throw in other potential world destroyers like shirtless vampires, werewolves of London and the Graboids from Tremors.</div><div><br /></div><div><img src="http://www.stampede-entertainment.com/monstermakers/a-tremors-13-l.jpg" /></div><div><br /></div><div>Yeah, that's my old boss in the background of that picture crossing her arms. </div><div><br /></div><div>Hi Gale.</div><div><br /></div><div><i>But the ZOMBIESSSSS...</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div>Shut up about the fucking zombies. Unless there are zombie aliens coming here to consume our brains and kill us all... there's no fucking point.</div><div><br /></div><div>Zombie Aliens... has this been done as a film?</div><div><br /></div><div>---</div><div><br /></div><div>Back to business.</div><div><br /></div><div>So it's important to End Off the World right... and in style. </div><div><br /></div><div>Because if there's one thing you can't afford to be, it's a whiny sissy while the world fucking folds in on itself and you're left pissing your pants as endless slaughter, pain, heartbreak, and sadness overtake the earth.</div><div><br /></div><div>And that's why I started this blog.</div><div><br /></div><div>Shit's going to get really boring. If life ends in an instant, you're good to go... but let's assume since suffering is part of our collective existence, it probably won't.</div><div><br /></div><div>So here comes my first bit of advice for... Saturday May 21.</div><div><br /></div><div>First Bit of Advice to End Off the World</div><div><br /></div>Stock up on crayons. A lot of crayons.<div><br /></div><div><div>96 pack.</div><div><br /></div><div><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3006/2733399983_ae26ab80b0.jpg" /></div><div><br /></div><div>What's that? You thought I'd suggest the 128 pack? I'm sorry, I thought this was surviving the end of the world business, not fucking <i>impress the other toddlers at preschool </i>time<i>.</i></div><div><br /></div><div>Plus, you don't want to look like some over-prepared jerk if Jesus or some aliens knock down your door and are lookin' to get their color on.</div></div><div><br /></div><div>Rule Number 1 to End Off the World: </div><div><br /></div><div>Play it cool.</div><div><br /></div><div><iframe width="425" height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/Z0GFRcFm-aY" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe></div><div><br /></div><div>Stay tuned for more important updates to End Off the World right.</div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/7960519237895669507-668074979466176167?l=endofftheworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div> <p><a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/E5eQHaeil3VnVehO48jrupbgB0c/0/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/E5eQHaeil3VnVehO48jrupbgB0c/0/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a><br/> <a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/E5eQHaeil3VnVehO48jrupbgB0c/1/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~a/E5eQHaeil3VnVehO48jrupbgB0c/1/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a></p><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/blogspot/RUxS/~4/OzHANNeNzP0" height="1" width="1"/>Patrick Rigneynoreply@blogger.com0http://endofftheworld.blogspot.com/2011/05/apocalypse-and-how-to-survive-it-part-1.html