Atlanta Counseling and Therapy Services

70 Plus 70 Equals 100

2012-11-19T00:41:00.001-05:00

The idea that a relationship between two people is a 50-50 proposition seems both obvious and fair. If both people pull their fair share, the partnership will stay balanced and healthy, right? It seems only logical that to achieve a fulfilling relationship both parties must uphold their half of the bargain.

But relationships are too important to "meet in the middle". When I am counseling a couple to improve some troubling aspect of their life together, sometimes it is very easy to determine who owns most of the responsibility for change. For example, if one person has an affair it's not appropriate to say that his or her partner is somehow "to blame" for the infidelity. There are better ways than infidelity to handle dissatisfactiont.

But many types of relationship difficulties don't provide a clear-cut case of someone being at "fault". The issue often has more to do with how each person handles whatever issue is confronting the relationship. In situations where it seems like both parties just need to find a way to work together, I'm likely to point to each person and say "I recommend that you consider yourself to be 70% of the problem."

Of course, two people can't both be more than half of the problem, can they? My response is that they better be. When people try to move toward each other on a 50-50 basis the likelihood is that each will underestimate the amount of movement this requires. The result is that each person thinks the other has shortchanged the deal.

But if both people take more than 50% of the responsibility for the problem, they are each more likely to engage in sufficient enough change to make a real difference. It's often better to go a little too far than not far enough.

Obviously there is no way to truly measure the percentage of responsibility each person shares in many situations that arise in a relationship. When I tell two person to each accept 70% of the burden of fixing a conflict between them, both usually understand the point that mutually accepting the lion's share of responsibility is better than expecting the other person to be the one to do most of the work. If two people are moving a 100 pound sofa, it's helpful if each of them are capable of lifting more than 50 pounds apiece. It's often a bad outcome when one person expects the other to carry most of the weight.

So this 50-50 business makes sense in a lot of situations, but for healthy long-term relationships that math doesn't work: it often takes 70-70 to reach 100.

Confusion Is Progress

2012-09-03T12:22:00.002-04:00

Recently I thought I heard someone say "confusion is progress." It may very well be that this person actually nothing of the sort, but that's the shape of the idea that found it's way into my head.

At first I thought this was a pretty confusing statement. Wait a minute, that's it! By seeking clarification for something that I don't understand, I'm making myself open to wisdom and guidance. Ok, that's pretty cool. Confusion implies a willingness to learn.

But wait, there's more! (By the way, an American marketing guru named Ron Popeil used the phrase "but wait, there's more!" so effectively when advertising his products on television that he tried, unsuccessfully, to copyright it!) Confusion also means that I am willing to shake off my hardened beliefs that can weigh me down like concrete. If I am certain, I can't be dissuaded of my convictions. But confusion brings some softness, lightness, fluidity to my way of seeing things. A little well-paced confusion makes me adaptable while a sense of certainty is immovable.

So to move from "I thought I knew what I was talking about but now I'm maybe not so sure" is a pretty good way to upgrade the operating system of my being.

A little confusing? Good!

"No" Is a Complete Sentence.

2012-08-26T23:20:00.002-04:00

I recently heard a phrase that is brilliant in its simplicity:

"No" is a complete sentence.

Some people don't seem to have any trouble saying "no", but for those of us who can struggle with temporary surges of codependency, this simple word can be a challenge to utter. Instead, it's tempting to give a lot of explanations when declining an offer or request, instead of simply saying "no".

There are several reasons why it can be a bad idea to spend a lot of time giving explanations for a refusal to do something you'd rather not do. The first is that you may be tempted to concoct some cover story that isn't true, thus violating one of the most important rules of all: live in the truth. Any time you can avoid even a small lie, do it. Deception, large or small, is simply a poor game to play.

The second reason why "no" needs to stand on its own without a lot of explanations is that providing reasons for your decision gives the other person the chance to offer solutions you don't really want: "You don't a way to get there? Don't worry, I'll pick you up!" By not giving people more reasons than are absolutely necessary, they won't have much opportunity to suggest solutions you aren't really looking for.

Third, the ability to say"no" makes the willingness to say"yes" really mean something instead of being taken for granted. It's like gold: something is often more valuable when there is less of it.

The fourth reason to treat "no" as a complete sentence is that it represents a clean boundary. There is no confusion to the matter. "Maybe I can do it" is a clouded way to get out of something and can therefore be the least helpful answer of all since it doesn't provide clarity. Saying something like "maybe I can do it, I'll have to check" simply muddies the water if that isn't what you really mean. Remember the old adage: say what you mean and mean what you say.

This leads to the final reason for treating "no" as a complete sentence: it is often a crucial tool for self-care. I've previously written how "sanity is measured by boundaries and limits", and being clear on how much you are willing to extend yourself to another person is a prime example. If you want to conserve your finite energy, flip the switch to "off" sometimes.

None of this is meant to promote total selfishness and disregard for others: that's an entirely different subject. The point here is that people who are fundamentally very nice can have a difficult time saying no if they think it's going to make themselves look bad or hurt another person's feelings, especially if it's someone they care about.

Of course, there are ways to soften the harsh edges of a refusal to do something you don't want to do. One is to simply be polite about it: "no, thank you" is a reminder that gentleness and respect for human feelings goes a long way. Also, a mentor once taught me that granting in fantasy what you're withholding in reality is a way to can keep the refusal of an offer from coming across like a rejection of the person. "That might be fun, but not today", or "I wish I could help you, but I'm going to decline" are ways to honor the idea while refusing the action, but only if they are true statements.

I feel like I could write more about this, but am I? No.

Time Trip Tips

2012-04-06T20:42:00.002-04:00

Living 'here and now' is not easy to do for any significant length of time. We are constantly being swept back into our remembered past or forward into our imagined future. As if this weren't challenging enough, the 'past' we tend to spend so much time re-hashing is heavily influenced by our selective memory. We're as likely to reconstruct a past event in such a way that it doesn't really line up with events as they actually happened. It's easy to re-create conversations in which we or the other person says or acts differently from the way it really happened. So not only do we wind up living in the past, it's often not even a past that really existed!

Similarly, when we start imagining some future event, it's likely to be heavily influenced by our fears and hopes. While there's nothing wrong with a little diversionary imagining about what the future could look like (i.e. what would you do if you won the lottery?) it's easy to begin living in a sort of limbo between the present moment and something that doesn't exist. And where does the scent of the rose reside?

Again, the likelihood that our vision of the future is accurate is pretty faint. Whatever you think you would do if you won the lottery, it's safe to say that reality would be different than you are possibly capable of imagining. But hey, it's ok to dream, right? The answer is of course it is, as long as we remember when we are dreaming and when we are awake. And we are only awake right now, not when we are time tripping into the past or future.

One way to recognize if you are leaving the present moment is the presence of resentment or fear. Any resentment is based on something that has already happened. Any fear is based on something that has yet to happen. One way to minimize the sum total of resentment and fear in your life is to bring yourself back to this breath. It may only last a moment before you are again flying off in one direction or the other, but sometimes just that one breath is enough to break the cycle of unproductive time tripping.

As the old saying goes, the past is history and there's nothing we can do about it, and the future is a mystery that we cannot deal with until we get there. The only thing we can influence is the present moment. This is a real gift, which is why it's called the present.

Thermometers and thermostats

2012-03-25T23:44:00.001-04:00

The difference between a thermometer and a thermostat is fairly obvious. A thermometer merely reacts to the temperature around it. It rise with heat and lowers with cold. A thermostat works to keep the temperature within a healthy, safe or comfortable range, as the case may be. If things get too hot it sets into motion a cooling process. Too cold? A well-adjusted thermostat insures that some warmth will soon be available.

Are you a thermometer? Do you react to the emotional 'temperature' around you in such a way that you are simply going in the direction the energy around you dictates? Or are you more like a thermostat? Can you maintain a fairly stable range of emotions that allows you to both calm yourself when riled up as well as challenge complacency before it chills your bones?

A thermostat isn't intelligent, but it sure seems to operate a lot more effectively than many of us do at times.

Is It Really Just?

2012-02-04T23:30:00.010-05:00

“Just” has the potential to be a dangerous word.

“Just” is the sound of a camel getting his nose into the tent: his body will soon follow. “I’m just going to have one drink”. "It's just a little lie." "I just couldn't help myself."

“Just” is a Trojan horse bearing excuses. “I was just…..” are three little words that can defend against almost any charge or accusation. In adult relationships, when someone explains their relationship with another person by saying "we're just good friends", chances are they're more than that.

"Just" has its place, but not as much as it wants. It is a word that can make anything relative, and some things don't work that way. A classic example is someone who is “just a little pregnant”.

"Just" shares a root with "justification". It can be used to justify all kinds of shenanigans. Some people utter it like a magical incantation to minimize the significance of almost any event or action.

"Just" can distort reality to a person's wishes. “I’ll just be five more minutes on the computer” often turns out to be half an hour. It keeps people from having to say exactly what they mean.

"Just" is not always just.

Just do it? Sometimes, but not always.

The Wisdom of a Hammer

2012-01-10T12:11:00.001-05:00

Generally the wisest of all statements are so short as to seem almost childishly simplistic. A truly profound comment is often met with a disappointed “well sure, I knew that one already. Is that all?”

One example is “this moment is all you have; there is only now”. This is a truism that is simple to acknowledge but not easy to remember. If we could truly live this sentiment we wouldn’t be constantly swinging back and forth between the past, where sadness and regret reside, and the future, the home of all fear.

One of the greatest sources of wisdom is that which is found inside of a paradox, two statements that are true but which contradict each other. The quantum physicist Neils Bohr famously stated that “the opposite of a correct statement is a false statement, but the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth."

In support of this statement I can point to many of the aphorisms heard in Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, such as “you have to give it away to keep it”, and “admitting you don’t have power is the source of true power”. The Bible has another famous example: “when I am weak I am strong". (2 Cor 12:10) A personal favorite of mine for years has been “the way up is down”, which to me means that reaching down into our imperfections is the way to find real and lasting peace in who we are.

But if paradox is like a pair of scissors that uses two sharp edges to cut a line, a simple profundity is truth’s hammer. One hit is enough to command attention. Again, Alcoholics Anonymous has a number of these “simple rules for complicated people”, and from time to time a person lost in confusion (generally self-imposed) has a moment of clarity upon hearing a curt comment that is both laughingly humorous and deadly serious, such as “if you want to get sober you have to stop drinking”.

Similarly, I try to remind people (and personally remember) the advice that “if you want self-esteem you need to do esteemable things”.

All of this came to mind after I stumbled over a quote from a guy named Ramakrishna, 19^th century Indian mystic. This sage once intoned to his devoted followers: “if you want to go east, don’t go west.”

Well sure, I knew that one already. Is that all?

Or?

2011-12-24T03:57:00.003-05:00

In 2009 I wrote a piece about how the simple word "and" has tremendous therapeutic potential. I still begin some counseling sessions by just gently saying to my client: ".....and?" It acknowledges that all stories are ongoing, that endings are often merely pauses, and that each moment is always ripe for development. I also pointed out how "and" can serve as a marvelous replacement for the word "but". Try it and see!

A little over a year later I wrote a follow-up reflection on how the phrase ".....and yet?" helps to draw out healthy alternative perspectives on any issue at hand. It's a way of asking "what's on the opposite side of the coin?" As I wrote then:

Sometimes I will simply alternate between asking "...and?" along with "...and yet?" in a friendly fashion. Rocking gently back and forth between these two simple questions can lead to a great deal of consideration of the relative merits of any position, decision or course of action.

It's now time for my yearly comment on another therapeutic conjunction, and this year's candidate is "or". This is a true powerhouse of a word for therapeutic change, for its job is to bring choice into the forefront of consideration. Without choice freedom doesn't exist and real consciousness is reduced to a merely mechanical process. As an example, there's no "or" for an engine: it just does the job it's built to do. Choices are the domain of the driver who determines which way to go. If you're not consciously considering what your choices are in this moment you're not really driving your life. And there's no choice without the concept of "or".

This may seem like meaningless wordplay, but there are times when the absence of "or" is serious business. An addict experiencing a powerful compulsion has the "or" squeezed out of him, leaving nothing but more of the same familiar pain ahead. Couples get locked into the same no-win conflicts because they lose the ability to make truly mindful choices when the heat is on. Part of a successful therapeutic experience is building more "or" into any sequence of behaviors.

"Or" is the sound of freedom. It's absence is inevitability.

I'm already wondering what conjunction will be up for examination a year from now. My prediction is "yet". Stay tuned.

Nice vs. Good

2011-11-24T23:52:00.005-05:00

Are nice people always good? Are good people always nice? It’s common to mistakenly confuse these two concepts.

Being ‘nice’ is a valuable component of a functional relationship. Couples who are not nice to each other can engage in behaviors that alienate and antagonize both parties; this degrades the overall sense of safety, respect and collaboration that a healthy relationship needs. Critical, insensitive words and actions prevent people from hearing each other and working together. In many situations the phrase “just be nice” seems to be very sound advice.

Some people, however, grew up in families where avoiding anger was a way to maintain a sense of physical or emotional safety. Being ‘nice’ was such an important tool for feeling safe that even as adults they may hold back their true feelings as a way of avoiding conflict.

There are times when speaking what you know to be true may scrape up against another person’s comfort level, but it’s often the right thing to do. Learning an effective technique such as nonviolent communication (NVC) is a powerful way to respectfully express honest feelings rather than simply being "nice".

Being mean is always a bad thing to do, but this doesn't mean that being nice is always a good thing to do.

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Bill Herring, LCSW, CSAT is a highly experienced Atlanta-based counselor and psychotherapist offering a respectful, motivational, non-confrontational approach to individuals and couples seeking to live a happier and more meaningful life. While working with a wide range of adult clients, Mr. Herring is a nationally recognized specialist on compulsive sexual behavior and chronic sexual infidelity. He is available for confidential in-person and online consultation and counseling, and may be easily reached by phone or email .

Fueled By or Ruled By?

2011-11-12T23:37:00.002-05:00

It’s good to have a passion that drives you to achieve a desired goal, whether it is economic success, artistic or athletic achievement, or any other avenue of personal development which leads to greater life satisfaction. The motivation to accomplish a worthwhile outcome can be an energizing, sustaining and satisfying experience. It is rich fuel for the journey.

But sometimes what masquerades as passion is actually an insatiable drive toward a goal that ignores healthy boundaries and can potentially be detrimental to a life well lived. A person driven at all costs to achieve certain outcome can become so consumed with this quest that all sense of balance is lost. When nothing matters to you but achievement, how you get there often becomes irrelevant.

Sometimes it can be difficult to tell whether you are “fueled by” or “ruled by” a desire. There are certainly times in which it is necessary to put almost everything aside in order to achieve a certain goal. “Digging in” with a spirit of dogged determination to accomplish a certain task with little regard for anything else can be heroic. But the compulsive drive to achieve some goal with little regard for the negative consequences it can bring to self or others, especially if that goal ultimately has relatively little meaning, is likely to be more draining than sustaining.

When you examine the various desires you have, it’s helpful to ask: “Am I fueled by them, or am I ruled by them?” Sometimes the answer is hard to face or difficult to discern. What rules us often blinds us, while what fuels us more often reveals itself with refreshing clarity. By this measure, if you don’t know the answer, you probably know the answer.
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Bill Herring, LCSW, CSAT is a highly experienced Atlanta-based counselor and psychotherapist offering a respectful, motivational, non-confrontational approach to individuals and couples seeking to live a happier and more meaningful life. While working with a wide range of adult clients, Mr. Herring is a nationally recognized specialist on compulsive sexual behavior and chronic sexual infidelity. He is available for confidential in-person and online consultation and counseling, and may be easily reached by phone or email .

Participate, Don't Anticipate!

2011-10-07T09:23:00.001-04:00

A natural function of the human brain is to consider how any particular situation is going to play out. Being able to predict the outcome of an action or event is crucial not only for survival but for happiness. The earliest humans undoubtedly regularly anticipated the future to insure successful hunting of prey: which way will dinner go?

Predictive ability is therefore an evolutionary skill. And yet this ability can turn into a liability when taken to extremes. As an example, one characteristic of people who are prone to excessive anxiety is to spend an inordinate amount of time focusing on what might happen. This is the wellspring of what can grow to become an unhealthy obsession. Planning to achieve or avoid a certain outcome can become so consuming that it prevents actively being “in the moment”. This is a case where “if”prevents “is”. Before long fantasy (imagining something that will only exist in the future, if at all) takes time and energy away from reality (obviously, what actually exists in the present).

Fantasy is often unconsciously used as a way to deal with anxiety. This is why I recommend becoming skilled at:

noticing periods of intensified fantasy (as measured by how often it occurs, how intense it is and/or how long it lasts, i.e. frequency, severity, duration) and then to take two more related steps:
coming back to the “here and now”, and
reflecting on what thoughts, feelings or events were just occurring immediately prior to the flight into fantasy, in order to deal with them in a healthier, more direct manner.

Staying engaged in the present moment is helpful in reducing anxiety and letting go of preconceived notions of how something should work out. Rather than attempting to anticipate how a course of action will unfold, endeavor to simply participate in the moment without “future tripping”. This creates a haven for happiness that does not depend on the future.

This strategy is consistent with what I consider to be two important principles: (a) we often don’t really know what kind of future is best for us, and (b) basing the worth of an action on a specific outcome takes us away from basic principle or serenity, i.e. being ok in the moment. Focusing on an outcome rather than a process turns us once again from human beings into human doings.

Of course this does not mean that we should not prepare for our future by thinking ahead. Fantasy is not the same as planning or vision. Obviously it’s important to chart a course through life based upon certain realities, i.e. we will get older and our needs will change. Also, a vision or quest for our higher self allows us to find the best opportunities for growth. We may not reach it, but as Goethe wrote "A man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's heaven for?"

Future tripping is only one of a number of ways we can overuse fantasy like it's cognitive junk food. I hope to eventually to eventually write a series of articles on what I consider to be the inherent danger of “fantasy addiction”, such as re-imagining our past based on what we wish we had done, projecting our insecurities onto other people by “comparing our inside with their outside”, and so forth.

So remember, rather than overly anticipating where your life will head, fully occupy this moment by participating where you are.

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If you like this post (and I hope you do) please visit my primary professional website for related articles on emotional growth and development, individual and couples counseling, tips for successful living, trends in the field of mental health, addiction treatment and many other interesting and useful topics.

Flooding vs. Washing

2011-08-12T08:50:00.003-04:00

A flood is not just about what happens when a river exceeds its banks. It can also refer to what happens when a person is subjected to more intense stimulation than he or she can effectively handle. Some brief comparisons between the natural world of geography and the inner experience of the mind will illuminate this point.

Whenever a person is overwhelmed by more cognitive or emotional input than the brain can effectively process, a kind of neurological flooding occurs. The nervous system can only handle so much before it starts to withdraw from the source of stimulation. This is when people begin to compensate in a number of ways: the ability to pay attention diminishes or emotional responsiveness begins to ‘numb out‘.

In more drastic situations a person who is flooded with intensely unpleasant emotional stimuli can start to shut down along several dimensions of healthy functioning. Reactions become either blunted or excessive, a sense of emotional security can begin to wither, and a person’s overall ability to cope with even minor events can falter. Once effective neurological processing ceases to keep up with the excessive demands placed upon it, long-term traumatic repercussions can develop. Just as in nature, the damage caused by flooding can continue long after the waters recede.

But the amount of water that falls is not the only reason why a flood occurs. How the land is contoured can make all the difference. A well-irrigated field can handle a lot of water, and even benefit from it, while a barren plain has no place for the water to go. Similarly, good drainage goes a long way toward keeping the current moving without backing up to cause even more extensive damage. Ground that is already saturated can’t absorb any more. And finally, the strength of the barrier between water and land is as crucial as anything else. The flood doesn’t happen unless the levee breaks.

All of these variables have correlates within the human coping mechanism. Based upon the above, it’s possible to be as prepared as possible to prevent emotional flooding when a deluge of stress occurs in life.

For instance, are you well-irrigated or barren? This is determined by the extent to which you have ways to expend the energy of anxiety in the most effective ways possible. Exercise, hobbies, creative outlets, adequate sleep and diet, spiritual and philosophical sources of support and other aids to the development of resiliency all help to dissipate and even productively utilize some measure of stress in productive ways.

What does it mean to have good psychological ‘drainage’? This is achieved by having trustworthy people to confide in about the full range of your emotional experience. This is why friends, healthy family members, support group peers and even counselors and therapists are so important. This helps your emotional ground from becoming so saturated that you can’t handle any more difficulties constructively.

Self-awareness can’t be over-emphasized. Remaining mindful of your entire state of being is crucial to insuring the health of your intellect, emotions, body, relationships and spirit. This is the equivalent of monitoring the levee when the waters rise and insuring that areas of ‘high ground’ remain fully tended. This is not the time to realize you have holes in your boat, no oars and no provisions to use until help arrives or the waters recede.

This whole extended metaphor emerged from a simple reflection in a therapy session about the distinction between ‘flooded’ and ‘’washed’. To finish the analogy, this is the benefit of keep all gutters and drains free of emotional debris so that they can effectively carry the stress away. With these characteristics, you can withstand the inevitable deluges of life stress to come into and go out of your life in the best way possible.

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If you like this post (and I hope you do) please visit my primary professional website for related articles on emotional growth and development, individual and couples counseling, tips for successful living, trends in the field of mental health, addiction treatment and many other interesting and useful topics.

Place and Pace

2011-07-15T00:10:00.007-04:00

When I provide couples counseling it is almost inevitable that each person will be a slightly different "place" in the change process. For example, one person may initially be more interested in getting therapy than the other. In fact it's probably fair to say that a fundamental basis for all couples counseling is that each partner in the relationship is in a different "place" than the other.

Healthy partners don't need to be at the same place as each other all the time in order to function well. Of course it's important to have substantial agreement on many of the major issues of a relationship, such as whether and when to have children, how to spend, save and invest money, what type of residence to rent or buy, etc.

But this doesn't mean that partners need to be in lock-step with each other. Far from it. Individuals are just that: individuals. Each person is different from another. As the old saying goes, if two people are exactly the same, one of them is unnecessary! I've seen many couples where the partners were in very different places in terms of religious beliefs, political viewpoints, friendships, leisure activities, and so on. Healthy couples are able to tolerate a great deal of diversity and still maintain a sense of connection and partnership.

The same respect for differences applies to the related concept of what I call "pacing". This simply means that one person is likely to move faster through an event, process or situation than the other. One may make a decision like a jackrabbit while the other is much more deliberate. Partners may start at the same place but each move at a very different pace toward a particular destination, and this is where conflict can arise.

Part of my job as a therapist to help couples find a way to bridge the differences of both place and pace. Ideally each partner is then able to experience the benefits of their differing positions and perspectives while remaining connected in their sense of shared purpose and mutual connection.

Many a pace can lead to many a place.

Explain vs. Explore

2011-06-25T02:59:00.008-04:00

Thank you for wanting to read "Explain vs. Explore", a short reflection on the differences between these two concepts. It has been moved one quick click away to my professional website, which I hope you will visit for it and many other articles related to personal growth and human development.

Presence of the Negative vs. Absence of the Positive

2011-06-13T00:18:00.001-04:00

It's fair to say that many times people are blocked from happiness and a sense of meaning by something negative.

It could be a bad boss, attitude, health, weather or childhood; or the problem could be a broken water heater, bank account or promise.

So much about living a better life has to do with rising above the "presence of the negative".

But the other part of the equation can sometimes be harder to recognize. It's not enough for something negative to go away -- some positive force must occupy that space or inertia soon sets in. This is what I call the "absence of the positive".

I've often reflected on how people (including myself) tend to work toward self-improvement as a result of something bad that has happened. Some sickness or painful life event (i.e. the "presence of the negative") serves to prod us into a new and hopefully better way of behaving. Whether the new direction sticks or not, the negative influence is the motivator.

But just avoiding the seemingly negative events in life won't make us better people. There also needs to be something positive to encourage growth much like the sun brings the flower to bloom. If some terrible calamity finally leaves your life and all you then do is watch television reruns, no lasting happiness will deepen within you no matter how grateful you may initially feel.

True growth has a constant need for a positive influence, and it doesn't have to come from anywhere other than inside your own spirit. Positive virtues and principles for living are necessary components of a fulfilling life, such as humility, loving-kindness, gratitude, forgiveness, honesty, determination, faith, diligence, mindfulness, humor and their buddies. Without these positive forces to inspire growth, we can only move away from, not toward.

The presence of the negative may hurt, but the absence of the positive is what truly injures.
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If you like this post (and I hope you do) please visit my primary professional website for related articles on emotional growth and development, individual and couples counseling, tips for successful living, trends in the field of mental health, addiction treatment and many other interesting and useful topics.

Intentional vs. Invitational

2011-04-02T22:43:00.010-04:00

This is another entry in my ever-increasing collection of "therapeutic distinctions", pairs of words that relate to each other while containing subtle but important differences in meaning. Since I pay very close attention to words I'm constantly on the alert for distinctions that can open up new choices in how to think about a situation. More choices equal more possibilities, and that's where all the fun is. (If you want proof of that statement just get a 64-color box of crayons.)

This may seem a little off the beaten track, but I want to address the distinction between "intentional" and "invitational".

To be intentional is to have a definite goal in mind. This ability to be very deliberate allows a person to form a plan and take the conscious steps necessary to bring it to fruition. To be intentional is to think or do something for a specific purpose. It's safe to say that being intentional is a better way to achieve a goal than to just wander around from one thing to another without vision or purpose.

But one obvious limitation of an intent is that it is self-determined. By its very definition an intention starts from within a person and leads toward a certain consciously chosen conclusion. However, if history teaches us anything it's that humans often do a lousy job deciding on an appropriate intention. There's a famous saying about a particular road that is paved with good intentions, and I don't want to be on it!

This is where the concept of being invitational comes in. I know enough about life in general and myself in particular to be cautious of my own conclusions. Sometimes the wisest statement to make is "save me from what I think I want!" I'm much more likely to trust whatever decision I make if I invite some sources of guidance into the process.

My optimal state of being is to be intentional about inviting direction into my life while at the same time inviting my best intentions to guide me. Like the breath that flows into and out of me, this mutually supportive cycle sustains, supports and guides me as I reach for the next crayon.
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If you like this post (and I hope you do) please visit my primary professional website for related articles on emotional growth and development, individual and couples counseling, tips for successful living, trends in the field of mental health, addiction treatment and many other interesting and useful topics.

Breaking Newton's Law

2011-02-18T00:37:00.001-05:00

Anybody who studied introductory physics in high school will recognize Newton’s “first law of motion”, which basically says that a body at rest will remain at rest while a body in motion tends to stay in motion.

This rule is obviously true for humans as well: we tend to build up a momentum in whatever we are doing – and whatever we are not doing. A person who starts exercising is likely to continue to do so once the rewards of this habit begin to show themselves, such as increased vigor, a healthier body, reduced stress, etc. Similarly, lethargy works the same way: below a certain point of momentum it’s just hard to “get going”. I’ve previously written about the fact that a plane doesn’t fly at 40 miles an hour. Below a minimum speed it’s impossible to achieve enough “lift”. In human motivation this is sometimes called laziness, but I prefer to think of it as simply a lack of momentum.

As in so many things, an extreme at either end of the spectrum carries a certain amount of risk. Once lethargy becomes a lifestyle little is accomplished, which contributes to a lack of meaning in life which in turn opens the way for emotional difficulties to slowly develop. This is when it is time to heed the warning to “don’t just sit there, do something!” On the other hand, a person who is rigorously exercising needs to take an occasional day off to let the body rest and heal. Some people are practically workaholics and struggle to take care of themselves. Their need is to relax, unplug and "don't just do something….sit there!”

But there is another level of human behavior where Newton’s law doesn’t apply. It’s the reality that all people are constantly shifting from one state of activity to another. It doesn’t take much reflection for this to become readily evident. You eat when you are hungry and stop eating when you are full. When you grow tired it’s time for sleep and wake up when you are rested. When the world intrudes it is natural to seek some solitude for awhile until the inevitable point when the desire returns to re-engage “life on life’s terms”. From this perspective, day-to-day existence is a constant shift between starting and stopping.

I’ve previously discussed that one measurement of sanity is appropriate use of limits and boundaries. Sometimes people need a lot of practice and assistance to stop acting, thinking or feeling a certain way. At other times the greater challenge is to take our foot off the brakes and charge as fully as possible into new frontiers. In either case there comes a strategic time for defining the direction and form to the change that is bound to happen.

The way to guide this transition as productively as possible is to practice continual self-awareness. It is so easy to mentally “check out” and let the inevitable energy shifts just ebb back and forth like the tide without sailing across the water to a desired destination. Developing conscious mindfulness is the way to manage and adjust the inevitable shift of energy between one state and another.

Some type of 'jolt' to the system is almost guaranteed to engage the gears in a new direction. This may be as small as a conscious decision to set the alarm clock fifteen minutes earlier than usual in order to meditate on the day ahead. On the other end of the spectrum, a crisis that disrupts the foundation of your life can be the impetus for an entirely new way of living. The trick is that it’s not the event itself that changes the flow of energy through you. It’s the decision that comes from within that makes all the difference in the world and stands Newton on his head. This is the time when “hitting bottom” can lead a person to the crucial crisis of meaning that is capable of changing an entire way of life.

But the impetus for shifting direction doesn’t have to be so dramatic. The only action that is necessary is the simple decision to do something different. It hardly matters what it is. Any change in a part of a system will influence the system itself. All it takes is finding the “difference that makes a difference.” The conscious decision to "lean in the opposite direction" can cause an object at rest to rocket into another dimension.

Some laws are made to be broken.

Are You Walking A Maze or Labyrinth?

2011-01-11T01:49:00.004-05:00

"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
"I don’t much care where--" said Alice.
"Then it doesn’t matter which way you go," said the Cat.
"--so long as I get SOMEWHERE," Alice added as an explanation.
"Oh, you’re sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."
(Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, Chapter 6)
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Several years ago I built a peaceful walking labyrinth behind my office. Sometimes people will use it to calm and center themselves either before or after a counseling session. Walking a labyrinth can be a helpful way to integrate the important insights and emotions that an effective therapy experience is capable of eliciting.

Some people think a labyrinth is the same thing as a maze but the reality is that the two are actually quite different from each other. A maze provides lots of choices in the routes a person can take, while a labyrinth is comprised of just one circuitous path from start to end. When walking a maze a person may come upon dead ends or mistakenly travel back and forth sections of the same course in an effort to find the destination. But the path of a labyrinth will always inevitably lead a person to the goal of the journey as long as he or she keeps moving forward. So while it's possible to lose your way in a maze to the point that you have no idea where you are, a labyrinth is specifically designed to guide your journey -- provided you put one foot in front of the other and trust the process.

It's fair to say that sometimes life is like a maze while at other times it resembles a labyrinth, but it's short-sighted to say that one is inevitably better than the other. Both offer their own unique learning opportunities to the person walking their winding paths. One thing's for sure: it helps to know which one you are on at any given moment and how to travel forward when you are faced with difficult choices.

Everyone knows what it's like to face choices in which it isn't clear which way to go. We've all experienced the sensation of going over the same territory when we thought we were moving forward. Losing the way is easy, and it can even be fun if you're just exploring. As the saying goes, “not all who wander are lost.”

But if you are trying to get somewhere in your life, repeatedly going over the same old ground can be discouraging and even dangerous. This is the risk of the maze: it confuses and bewilders. In fact, the word itself stems from the original meaning of the word "amaze", which prior to the 14th century meant "daze" or "stun".

By contrast most of us can look back over our lives and identify times when it seemed like we were being guided exactly the way we needed to go. Despite all the twists and turns of the journey there are some choices to make where there is little doubt which way leads forward. At such times we seem to be no longer traversing a maze so much as following a labyrinth's course.

A primary resource for navigating a maze and even transforming it into a labyrinth is by following a set of spiritual or ethical principles. (It is helpful to consider that the broadest definition of "spiritual" is simply the state of purposively investing a sense of meaning into the material world, whether of not it is religious). It is often the case in a principled life that no matter what challenges or choices present themselves there is ultimately only one route to take. As the Quakers put it, "Way" opens and the path is clear.

Many guidelines for meaning and direction are available to those who seek them. 12-step groups, for instance, offer a set of tested principles that can cut through much of the uncertainty and confusion that comes when faced with difficult choices. Since I work with so many people who have lost their way in the maze of various addictions, I often recommend this well-tested approach that has the potential to transform lives.

12-step guidelines are simple to express even when are not easy to follow: they include admitting you need guidance; closely examining the strengths and weaknesses of your character; honestly revealing to another person your faults and secrets; admitting when you are wrong and correcting any damage you have caused; and helping other people along the way. These steps are a set of tools that can turn any problem into a solution and opportunity for personal growth so that "we will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us", as Alcoholics Anonymous proclaims.

It bears repeating that there are many types of principles and guidelines for narrowing what may initially seem to be a broad range of choices until clarity emerges to reveal an almost inevitable direction to take. The question remains: Is it always better to know which way to go? Not necessarily. Sometimes the belief that we always know what to do is a form of arrogance that can shut down the revelation of new possibilities and outcomes that only become evident when we shake off preconceived notions. This sentiment is famously expressed by the Zen master Shunryu Suzuki that "(i)n the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert's mind there are few."

(By the way, Shunryu Suzuki said two of my favorite quotes: "There are no enlightened people, there is only enlightened activity", and "You are perfect, and you could use a little work.")

Whether you are walking a labyrinth or a maze, a few principles remain the same, for there is always a way to proceed forward. When you seems lost in a maze, don’t run blindly: keep your wits about you and ask for help whenever you can. You may not be as far off course as you think. Go slower to get there faster. Regardless of whether you are walking through a maze or labyrinth, realize that sometimes when you seem to be moving way from your goal you are actually getting closer, for there is rarely such a thing as a straight line in life. And when you find your adventure shift yet again from a confusing maze into a wondrous labyrinth, keep moving one step at a time while stopping often to help somebody else who is lost along the way.

And consider that you may be exactly where you need to be.

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If you like this post (and I hope you do) please visit my primary professional website for related articles on emotional growth and development, individual and couples counseling, tips for successful living, trends in the field of mental health, addiction treatment and many other interesting and useful topics.

Make Your Bed

2010-12-26T17:48:00.002-05:00

It’s difficult to know exactly what each day will bring for you to face: if life shows us anything it’s that uncertainties abound and challenges may spring up when least expected or desired. Sometimes it may seem like every minute is filled with a task to accomplish…..a need to meet…..a fire to put out.

A vital component of a balanced and satisfying life is the ability to create a sense of order out of what otherwise would be random and chaotic. Although this certainly can’t happen all of the time there are actions to take and attitudes to hold that can help increase the odds in your favor.

It all boils down to engaging in behavior that brings some stability or constancy into your daily life. Developing and consistently following a set of healthy daily routines is a way to insure that you maintain a discipline of self-care.

It’s easy enough to let certain tasks slip or take some shortcuts in order to save time or effort, and sometimes this is absolutely the right thing to do. An overly controlled, regimented life may bring a lot of accomplishments but abundant joy is not likely one of them.

But sloppiness is not a virtue in the quest for a balanced and meaningful existence. The mind can be a slippery, sensation-seeking creature, ready to squirm away from dull tasks toward the novel, the immediately gratifying, the diversionary. A degree of regularity does a world of good in providing safeguards against these unruly tendencies.

The idea of making your bed is representational. Maybe the better goal for you is flossing your teeth or cleaning the dishes every night so you don't wake up to a full sink of dirty plates. Life is often more about the small things than the big ones.

And aren't smooth, clean sheets a gentle gift both to and from yourself at the end of a long day?

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You're Not Upset

2010-11-07T23:05:00.004-05:00

This essay is partly a companion piece to one of my previous posts titled “You’re Not Fine”. Both caution against using words or concepts that seem to carry specific meanings but which on closer examination reveal themselves as lacking sufficient specificity to be adequately useful in productive communication. And when it comes to discussions which are highly charged because of either the content or the relationship between the people involved, the words we use can make the difference between a productive or detrimental outcome. From this perspective, using the word “upset” seldom helps any situation.

I tend to recommend staying away from the word “upset” for three reasons. First, it is often used as a justification for some sort of behavior, whether overt or implied. “I’m upset…..(which means that either I have a right or you have a responsibility to act in a certain way)."

The second argument against this word is that “you upset me” is for the most part little more than an example of the “you made me” fallacy I’ve previously written about, in that it tends to put the responsibility for an emotion on an outward source. It’s used as an accusation rather than a confession.

The most general definition of “upset” is that of a disturbed or unbalanced equilibrium. Imagine say “I’m unbalanced” or “my equilibrium is disturbed” during a heated discussion. The context of the sentiment is immediately and significantly different from how most people throw the word at each other. This demonstrates the final argument against the use of the word “upset”, which is the vagueness of its meaning.

So “upset” is a ”setup” since it is often subconsciously used as a vague accusatory shifting of responsibility onto the other party. A far more helpful practice is to label the exact emotional disturbance that you are feeling. “I’m angry…..my feelings are hurt…..I’m confused” and similar descriptions give the recipient a more accurate understanding of your emotional state.

Of course the tricky part is that the more your equilibrium is disturbed the harder it becomes to define and discuss your feelings in a mindful manner. This is where ideas that I have presented such as “holding your shape”, "not believing everything you think" and "choosing the most benign interpretation" are helpful in preventing the “setup” that “upset” often represents.

Don't settle for the linguistic junk food of "fine" or "upset". You and those you care about deserve better than that!

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"If" vs. "Is"

2010-10-10T23:41:00.015-04:00

Regular readers know that I often write about what I call "therapeutic distinctions", pairs of words or concepts with similar meanings that contain important and even life-altering distinctions, or which initially seem to have little in common but which reveal valuable insights when examined more deeply. These distinctions can be crucial since the words we use influence the way we think, and even small conceptual differences can yield very large consequences.

The two words this article reflects upon are simply "If" and "Is". They are part of a larger discussion I am building toward on the topic of "fantasy addiction", which I believe is a characteristic shared by almost everyone. In short, fantasy addiction refers to the attempt (which is often very successful) to replace what is happening here and now with an imaginary scenario. People who habitually inhabit this kind of living daydream often are ultimately and chronically disappointed, frustrated, gullible, unfulfilled and ineffective in living a deeply meaningful life.

"If" can be a dangerous concept. "If I didn't catch so many red lights I would be there on time"; "If my spouse hadn't discovered my affair we might still be married"; "If I get this job I can pay my bills"; "If I had studied harder I could have gotten better grades"; etc.

What's the big deal about such sentences, especially when their underlying premise is so often clearly evident? Isn't this just telling it like it is?.....or could have been?.....or might be? Many times such reflection on the past, prediction of the future or conjecture about alternatives can help a person make wise decisions, learn from mistakes, and prepare for the possible. "If" can also be a challenge to develop character, as is so movingly expressed in Kipling's poem of the same name. These are all clearly legitimate uses for considering the conditional perspective of "if".

But it's easy to be seduced by such thinking, and many people rely on it way too often. For them "if only" becomes a mantra of victimization and despair. "If" has a tendency to replace reality and responsibility with a world that never really exists. This is especially true when the "if" being considered is merely fanciful and doesn't lend itself to any true preparation or personal improvement. The sentence "If I had chosen differently my life would be better now" may be theoretically true, but without a productive outcome it is worse than useless -- it is detrimental or even outright destructive.

There is fundamentally only one productive outcome for such use of "If", which is to find its way to "Is".

"Is" defines reality. "Is" occupies here. "Is" exists now. Nothing can be changed unless it is accepted for what it is, not for what it might have been or could be. In this sense the over-used phrase "it is what it is" is simultaneously both simplistic and profound depending on where it leads. Take away the wish, the embellishment, the delusion, the hope, the lie....and what is left is simply what is, no more or less.

Often "if" can be a stirring call of great vision, or a passageway to deepened appreciation. But we must remember always who and where we are at this moment. All action and awareness occurs only in the here and now, and a person who constantly squanders such a precious gift for the "low high" of frequent and recurring fantasy will not have the clarity, judgment and personal power that a serene and richly satisfying life requires.

In all cases the proper use of "if" is to lead us back to "is". If you had a different past, or were someone else, things would be different.

But the time is now, and you are here.

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If you like what you just read (and I hope you do) I invite you to visit my primary professional website for more information about the ways in which I can help you lead a happy, healthy and satisfying life filled with deep meaning, rich relationships and abiding joy.

".....And Yet?"

2010-09-25T00:48:00.009-04:00

This is a companion piece to an earlier posting entitled simply "...AND?" In that article I described the therapeutic value of exploring the many and varied responses clients give when I simply, gently and repeatedly pose one question to them: "...and?" It that article I called it "the most elegant question possible" for the way it opens up many layers of increasing depth and insight that are often overlooked in its absence.

As I've previously written, another effective therapeutic use of the word "and" is to repeatedly ask ".....and then what?" I find this to be especially useful for helping a person think though the longer-term outcomes of an action that may initially seem to have only limited consequences. As I wrote in that posting, this line of exploration can be exceptionally useful in relapse prevention.

By the way, when I am counseling couples who are struggling with disagreements I often recommend that they try to use the word "but" less and the word "and" more. So often one person makes a statement and his or her partner will immediately respond with "but..." followed by an argument. This has an almost inevitable tendency to create greater defensiveness and frustration for both people as they fall into a "battle of the buts". No matter how strong you disagree with another person, there is almost always a way to find a supportive or empathetic comment to maintain some degree of alliance and to help insure that the discussion will lead to something positive even if no agreement is reached. (I go into this concept of consciously using supportive and empathetic language in my article "Get SET for Effective Communication".)

Another phrase that I find to be useful when I am counseling clients to consider all sides of an issue is simply to ask "...and yet?" This allows an exploration of the inevitable ambivalence that accompanies all major decisions. (The idea that a single action can have outcomes that we may consider either positive or negative depending on our perspective is an old and valuable insight, often exemplified in the famous story about the farmer and the lost horse.)

Sometimes I will simply alternate between asking "...and?" along with "...and yet?" in a friendly fashion. Rocking gently back and forth between these two simple questions can lead to a great deal of consideration of the relative merits of any position, decision or course of action.

Sometimes it's possible, and highly preferable, to do a lot with a little.

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If you like this post (and I hope you do) please visit my primary professional website for related articles on emotional growth and development, individual and couples counseling, tips for successful living, trends in the field of mental health, addiction treatment and many other interesting and useful topics.

"Got to" vs. "Get To"

2010-08-15T16:42:00.002-04:00

This is another in a long series of what I call "therapeutic distinctions", pairings of concepts that are similar to each other but which contain subtle yet important differences that can significantly affect a person's quality of life. Such is the distinction between "got to" and "get to".

People often don't choose which situations they have to deal with in their day-to-day lives. So many of the decisions you are required to make are based in response to some need. If your washing machine breaks down you either have to fix it, get a new one or begin using the laundromat to clean your clothes. If you want to lose weight you have to burn more calories than you consume. In countless situations you have to do "x" if you want to get "y".

A chore is a task you've "got" to do. The only option in response to such a mandate is to comply or resist. This sense of obligation can generate all kinds of frustration. Performing required actions can lead to a sense of accomplishment, which certainly contributes to a meaningful and productive life. But even if a person does everything he or she "has to" do, it can be a great challenge to do this with a sunny disposition.

This is where the ability to exchange "got to" with "get to" can be an extremely powerful shift in perspective. It is a method for extracting the greatest possible benefit out of the challenges of life. A person who must get up and go to work has a chance to practice walking with a kind heart through a hard day. The need to pay your power bill presents the possibility to do so with a sense of gratitude for living in a society that has consistent electricity. The most menial job that you've "got" to do is an opportunity to "get to" practice humility, pride and good cheer.

This is a simple but powerful method to turn obligation into opportunity. What you've "got to do" can usually be measured: you'll either do it or not. In comparison, what you "get to do" is more a reflection of your attitude and therefore usually can't be judged by traditional measures. It has less to do with the quantity and more to do with the quality of personal endeavors. As Einstein said,

"Everything that can be counted does not necessarily count; everything that counts cannot necessarily be counted."

You've certainly got many things to do today, this week, this year, this time of your life. You get to do them with a cheerful attitude that is capable of bringing a shining light to the lives of other people. You get to act in such a way that others don't have to suffer from your poor mood. You get to learn something valuable about yourself that you can carry with you from this point forward. You get to practice discipline and courage under fire. You get to experience life as an exciting and precious adventure filled with special moments that are hidden in plain sight.

Get it? Got it. Good!

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"I Love You, But....."

2010-07-24T00:49:00.012-04:00

It's not unusual for two people to disagree with each other. In a committed relationship the presence of occasional conflict is inevitable, although the way couples deal with this issue varies widely.

Sometimes one person may find it necessary to disengage from an argument in order to avoid escalation into verbal abuse or other destructive behavior. Unfortunately it can be difficult to leave in the middle of a conflict because the other person can perceive this as rejection, abandonment or passive-aggressive hostility.

This is where a simple phrase such as "I love you, but I have to get away from you" can be extremely helpful. Since it can be easy for a person under stress to perceive disagreement with a topic as a rejection of his or her basic worth, the overt statement of affection can be a stabilizing factor in a high-stress situation.

"I love you, but....." can be helpful in a wide variety of situation. "I love you, but I'm angry at you right now"; "I love, you but I really disagree with you"; even "I love you, but I can't stand the sight of you right now" are all examples of this emotionally grounding phrase. It certainly doesn't make everything perfect, but when a positive statement of affection is consciously injected into a conflict the results can be extremely beneficial.

It's helpful to remember that love doesn't mean the absence of conflict, and conflict doesn't mean the absence of love. "I love you, but....." is one way to recognize this fact and is a healthy way to grow a mature, adult relationship.

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.....And Then What?

2010-07-11T01:26:00.009-04:00

Every addict thinks about relapse. That's an inevitable part of the recovery process. When I counsel people who have addictive disorders, I recommend they keep a three-word question handy whenever they ponder the possibility of relapsing. The question is: ".....And then what?"

Here's an example:

An alcoholic thinks about having just one beer but then asks himself ".....And then what?". (It will taste great.) ".....And then what?" (I'll probably have another.) ".....And then what?" (I'll start thinking I can drink normally.) ".....And then what?" (I'll do OK for a few weeks.) "And then what?" (I'll start drinking every day again.) ".....And then what?" (I'll get depressed because I let myself down.) ".....And then what?" (I'll sink into depression.) ".....And then what?" (Oh man, I don't even want to go there!)

Any addictive or compulsive disorder distorts the ability of the brain to effectively regulate the neurochemicals that are responsible for managing pleasure and survival. This is true whether the emotional dysregulation stems from drugs, lust, gambling, or any other behavior that sets into motion the brain's faulty neurochemical reaction.

One inevitable result is that an abstinent addict is occasionally going to fantasize about reclaiming his or her familiar altered mood. Usually the fantasy is one that stops at the moment of the "high". The cigarette addict thinks about the immediate satisfying relief of that first puff. The crack addict remembers the rush when the hit reaches the brain a few seconds after inhalation. The sex addict's fantasy terminates at the point of orgasm.

In all of these cases the addict doesn't "complete the arc" of the fantasy: he or she doesn't spend much time reflecting on what happens when the rocket invariably crashes (and what comes up always comes down). This is where "....And then what" can be of immense service in connecting the temporary high with the lasting bottom that follows.

There are many other ways an addict can compensate for his or her inevitable central nervous system deficits. Connecting with other addicts, either in group formats such as A.A. or individually with a "sponsor", helps by strengthening the ability of the impaired neocortex to properly evaluate the uncontrolled impulses of the limbic system. No one strategy will be completely successful by itself, but "....And then what?" can be extremely useful in maintaining long-standing success in recovery over addiction.

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