The Real News

Mahatma Gandhi's Autobiography to be Banned

noreply@blogger.com (The Newsman) — Fri, 01 Apr 2011 15:27:00 +0000

Union law minister, M Veerappa Moily, on Friday said the Centre would ban Mahatma Gandhi's autobiography, My Experiments with Truth, calling its contents “baseless, sensational and heresy and denigrating a national leader”. He was reacting to an Editorial in The Hindu pointing out that Gandhi confessed to many of his weaknesses in My Experiments with Truth. "The Union Government will plan out how to prohibit that book," he said while speaking to mediapersons. According to The Hindu, Gandhi's autobiography has sensational passages on his relationships with women, particularly, Kasturba Gandhi. "We cannot let people sully the image of our great national leaders like Gandhi," said Mr. Moily. "It is scurillous to suggest that Mahatma Gandhi had carnal relationships with a woman. A billion people cannot stand silently when such allegations are made," he added.

When asked if he had read the book, Mr. Moily said that as the law minister, he could not himself break the law by reading a book that was on the verge of being banned. When told that My Experiments with Truth was written by Gandhi himself, Mr. Moily said that it did not matter. "We can't allow anybody to draw adverse inferences about historical figures and denigrate them. Otherwise history will not forgive us," he said.

Mr. Moily also said that the Government is considering making it a criminal offence to insult Gandhi. As per the proposed law, Mahatma Gandhi could be imprisoned for upto five years for passages found in his book if he were around today. "Gandhi has written in excruciating detail about his own experiments and his struggle with his imperfections," said Lord Megahnad Desai. "He would be a serious candidate for being punished for writing such things," added Lord Desai. When told of this, Mr. Moily said that "Gandhi" did not mean only Mahatma Gandhi, but also Indira Gandhi, Rajiv Gandhi, Sonia Gandhi, and Rahul Gandhi. "Writings about Varun Gandhi will be exempted from the proposed law," clarified Mr. Moily.

WikiLeaks Shocker: Manmohan Runs on Batteries

noreply@blogger.com (The Newsman) — Mon, 13 Dec 2010 19:13:00 +0000

WikiLeaks yesterday lobbed another bombshell by revealing contents of secret cables from former US ambassador to India to the US State Department describing intimate details of the Congress leadership. Particularly shocking is the revelation that the Prime Minister of India, Manmohan Singh, is actually a cleverly constructed robot running on rechargeable batteries. In one of the cables, Mulford describes how - when he was visiting Sonia Gandhi at her official residence at 10, Janpath - he accidentally ran into Manmohan with his back panel open and programmers tinkering with switches inside. "I was looking for the bathroom, and by mistake enterred the workshop where I found technicians working on Manmohan Singh's innards," states Mulford. After initially trying to cover up, the technical staff confessed to Mulford that Manmohan was actually a robot remotely controlled by Sonia Gandhi.

According to known media reports, the former US ambassador had visited Sonia Gandhi four days after the 26/11 Mumbai attacks to express solidarity with India. Other diplomatic communicatons revealed by WikiLeaks has already portrayed World leaders' lack of confidence in India's ability to respond effectively after the 26/11 attacks. Mulford's cables immediately after the attacks explain the feeble rhetoric then of Prime Minister Manmohan Singh. "Manmohan is based on obsolete Russian robotics technology, capable only of simple actions such as repeated visionless speeches, routine pointless denouncements of terrorism, welcoming foreign dignitaries, and presiding quietly over cabinet meetings," wrote Mulford. "Manmohan also requires extensive reprogramming to respond to matters of immediate importance," he added, explaining Manmohan's deer-caught-in-the-headlight stance after the 26/11 attacks.

Mulford's cables explain the actions of Manmohan during Raja's tenure as the Union telecom minister, and his silence since the 2G scam broke out. Robotics experts interviewed for this article said that unless Sonia Gandhi programs Manmohan appropriately, it is unlikely that he will say anything of significance pertaining to the scandal. "Because of the sensitivities involved and the difficulties of changing programs frequently, Manmohan may not be reprogrammed until the course of action becomes clear to Sonia," said one expert. Political analysts also surmise that the Union cabinet must have been aware of the fact that Manmohan was a robot. "This would explain why Manmohan never looks like he is in charge of his own cabinet, and why Raja simply ignored him," said one influential analyst. "This also explains why Sonia said Manmohan is 'above board' when it comes to corruption, since only machines in India do not demand bribes for doing their jobs".

Congress party spokesman Manish Tiwari denounced the WikiLeaks report. "There is no truth to the report that the Prime Minister is a robot," said Tiwari. "Like all Congress politicians, he is just mindlessly obedient to Sonia and the Gandhi family. This may look like robotic behavior, but he is as human as any other member of the Congress party." BJP leader Sushma Swaraj rejected this statement and said that it is time Manmohan stepped down as the Prime Minister. "We have an Italian as the President of the Congress party, and a Russian robot as the Prime Minister. It's time we had an Indian for these positions," she said. Unconfirmed reports state that lobbyist Nira Radia has been hired to promote one of Karnunanidhi's grandsons for the Prime Minister's post.

A Republic of Scandals

noreply@blogger.com (The Newsman) — Tue, 07 Dec 2010 07:43:00 +0000

Corruption, No. 1 national security threat, is eating into the vitals of the state, enfeebling internal security and crimping foreign policy.

by Brahma Chellaney

India confronts several pressing national security threats. But only one of them - political corruption - poses an existential threat to the state, which in reality has degenerated into a republic of mega-scandals. The pervasive misuse of public office for private gain is an evil, eating into the vitals of the state, sapping India’s strength. When important decisions, from arms procurement to policy changes, are often tainted by corrupt considerations, it is inevitable that national security will get compromised. If India today is widely seen as a soft state, much of the blame must be pinned on the corrupt and the compromised that lead it. Such ‘softening’ of India has made the country a tempting target for those seeking to undermine its security...

Read the rest of this article in The Hindu

Banana Republic

noreply@blogger.com (The Newsman) — Sat, 20 Nov 2010 05:16:00 +0000

How much of a basket case India is has been revealed in the last couple of weeks. A series of scandals - involving the Government (of course), military (the "what?, me corrupt?" guys), corporates (we knew this one), and journalists (remember "paid news"?) - has surfaced in quick succession that one finds it hard to keep tabs on the scam of the day. It is now clear that there is not a single institution that is clean, and the magnitude of corruption is at a level that boggles the mind. Add to this new players whom we never expected to surface as part of these scams - such as self-righteous "journalists" like Vir Sanghvi and Burka Dutt - who run TV shows and write newspaper columns (on corruption). The depth and breadth of corruption is such that it is hard to see any prospect for this so-called "largest democracy" to improve the lives of 600 or so million people living in abject poverty.

The point of this article is not to rehash the numerous news items one can find readily on the web on the Adarsh, Spectrum, and Karnataka Land scams. It is to point to the "Radia Tapes", conversations between lobbyist Nira Radia and various politicians and media personalities recorded when cabinet positions were being decided for the second term of the UPA Government. These are extraordinary records of how things work behind the scene in Indian politics, how Government ministries are talked about like private properties to be milked, and the collusion between politicians, lobbyists, journalists and corporate houses. These conversations were recorded by the IT department (this is being contested by the Govt.) and the tapes have been submitted to the Supreme Court as evidence in a pending PIL on the Spectrum scam. Indian Express today published part of the transcripts. Outlook had published the full transcripts of the conversations, but not all those web pages were available. Open magazine's publication of partial transcripts is here. However, the links to the tapes are here:

http://www.newspostindia.com/2010-11-20-television-news-channels-cover-up-niira-radia-tapes-disclosure

As a standard disclaimer, the authenticity of these recordings are yet to be verified, but a number of big media outlets have reported on this. Read and stay in awe of how things really work in India.

Obama's Travails

We hear that the Obama speech in the Indian Parliament has been nominated for the "Best Comedy" category of Filmfare Awards. Obama said stuff like "rule of law", "India has risen", "free and fair elections," and other funny things when referring to India. The MPs were having a good time, applauding and enjoying the stand-up comedy as were the TV viewers. Just after he left, India removed the mask and showed its true face. Raja, Chavan, Yediyurappa, and Kalmadi showed that there was no rule of law. They have done their deed, collected and distributed the cash, and all but Yediyurappa have resigned. Nobody believes that they are going to be prosecuted. A former IMF economist said that about half-a-trillion dollar of public money has been stashed away since India's independence by corporate and political crooks. Transparency international ranked India 87th out of 178 countries in corruption (there are 90 countries worse than India?). Forget "free" elections, since people nowadays expect to be paid for casting their votes. Anyway, the speech was good comedy, and thanks to the Obama speech writers for the entertainment.

Not widely reported were Obama's problems in New Delhi. We have learnt from reliable sources that the President's stay in Maurya Sheraton was not entirely smooth. First, the Obamas got the shock of their life when they entered the presidential suite and found a dog lolling on the bed. The dog bolted after spotting the Obamas, pausing only briefly to pee at the base of the night lamp. Mrs. Obama then went to the bathroom to freshen up and got another shock when she found a hotel staff member using the toilet. Secret service managed to evict the staff member by promising a bakshish later, but his deed was done.

Delhi police initially said that these incidents never took place, but after being shown photos taken by a New York Times reporter accompanying the President, the police said the dog was actually part of the canine unit. "It was a sniffer dog," said the police commissioner, "It was part of the last-minute drill conducted before the President's arrival." Police sources privately said that the dog in the picture looked like the one that was last seen in the Commonwealth Games village. "We don't know how he manages to get into these high security areas," confessed the source.

The U.S secret service also took a drubbing. Asked about the hotel staff member using the Presidential toilet, a Secret Service source said that the man claimed that he was sent to check if the toilet was functioning properly before the President's arrival. The source admitted that none of the Secret Service agents were bold enough to venture into the toilet to check on the man after having seen pictures of Indian toilets during the CWG coverage.

All in all, a memorable visit for Obama, and fun time for Indian TV viewers.

A Leader among Leaders

noreply@blogger.com (The Newsman) — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 13:31:00 +0000

Newsweek magazine recently ranked Prime Minister Manmohan Singh first in its list of Top Ten World Leaders. Those in India might dismiss the Newsweek article as a prank, and the Congress party might even think that such satire is uncalled-for from an American magazine. But there are real reasons why Newsweek selected Manmohan as the best leader. We explain the deep considerations that went into the selection.

___________________________________________________________________________________

Most appreciated among Manmohan's leadership qualities is his tendency to selflessly share and sacrifice. He is the only leader in the world to have shared all his constitutional powers with others, including the PM position itself with Sonia Gandhi. By his own admission, he is ready to sacrifice the PM position to Rahul Gandhi, whenever the latter wants it. Even though he is the Prime Minister, Manmohan does not like to command anyone, but rather, patiently waits for commands from Sonia and others, and implements them with diligence. These are some reasons why he is able to attract the attention of the world as a great leader.

Manmohan is not an autocratic Prime Minister who expects his cabinet members to act per his directives. In fact, he usually learns from others as to who joined or left the cabinet, and whose portfolio changed. When he is too shy to ask others for this information, he waits patiently to get this information from the newspapers the next day. Manmohan is also so kind that he will not fire even the most corrupt members of his cabinet; they can leave on their own as they find better opportunities elsewhere but Manmohan will not utter harsh words about them. Manmohan is also appreciated for the friendly manner in which he gets along with ministers in his cabinet accused of graft to the tune of thousands of Crores of Rupees, and the discretion he exercises in not discussing their deeds with anyone. We will not find this decency in any other World leader.

Manmohan never fails to respect the rights of others. He respects the right of activists to file RTI applications. He also respects the rights of thugs to kill tens of RTI activists, and the rights of State and Centrl Governments to take no action. He respects Suresh Kalmadi's right to continue in his post after numerous corruption charges related to the Commonwealth Games. And, he respects Rahul Gandhi's right to claim the PM throne any time he wants.

Manmohan is also diplomatic and tactful. It is to be noted that by keeping quiet, Manmohan tactfully avoided the potential question from Kalmadi as to why he should resign when so many other corrupt officials were thriving in Manmohan's administration. Manmohan knows that corruption is no big deal in this day and age, and if he is to remove corrupt officials, he will be the only one left in his administration. That is why he took the principled stand of giving the telecom ministry to the same minister who was accused of Himalayan corruption in the previous term of the UPA Government. Manmohan also displayed his sagacity in first unfreezing Quattrochi's bank accounts and making sure that Quattrochi escaped before asking the CBI to pursue him.

Manmohan is very forgiving by nature. This is seen not only in the manner in which he forgives corruption, but also by how graciously his administration treats terrorists in death row. Even when the Supreme Court cold-heartedly confirmed Afzal Guru's death sentence, the Manmohan Government exercised restraint and showed benevolence by ignoring the court. Manmohan was compassionate enough to ask himself why he should be vindictive about one terrorist when so many other domestic and foriegn terrorists were roaming freely in the country. There is no other country that has such a caring and kind-hearted leader.

There is also no other world leader who so accurately reflects the feelings of the citizens as Manmohan Singh. He is as afraid of terrorists as other people are in the country. He expresses his worries about price inflation just as other ordinary citizens do. He is as shocked by frequent rail accidents as the traveling public. He pleads with the Police and CBI to book criminals just like other people do. He utters wishful statements about reducing case backlog in courts some day. In short, he is so much in tune with the people that he reflects and laments about the same things that they do.

Manmohan has a calm disposition and does not engage in precipitate action. However many people that the Naxalites kill, Manmohan will only be "concerned" and worried but not angry. He was the first to discover that Naxalites were "our own". Based on this revolutionary thinking, Manmohan tends to worry more about the well-being of Naxalites than other citizens. He cares so deeply about the future of Naxalites that he is always willing to sit with them for dialogue even as they slaughter innocents by the hundreds. It is his ability to love even the anti-socials and terrorists that earns Manmohan the accolades of Newsweek.

Practically everyone in the world knows that Manmohan is "Mr. Clean". It was an open secret that Crores of Rupees were spent by interested parties to defeat the no-confidence motion in the Parliament against the previous UPA Government headed by Manmohan. We can only note with wonder how he can detach himself from all the atrocities that happen around him, keep watching them, and still stay "Clean".

Manmohan is mature enough to not interfere in disputes between states. Whether it is sharing river water or chasing Naxelites across state borders, Manmohan does not usurp the power of the states to do nothing. He knows that there will be violent disputes, followed by court cases, a judgment, followed again by violent disputes..., and if he did nothing, there will eventually be a resolution of some sort. This shows his far-sighted thinking as opposed to worrying about solving problems immediately.

Finally, Manmohan is not petty to point out major administrative bungling and take action against those responsible, such as the Minister responsible for ruining several lakh tons of food grains due to improper storage. With so many great leadership qualities, it is no wonder that Manmohan Singh was put on the top of the list by Newsweek. So those who think that the Newsweek ranking was a practical joke better feel good about living in a country headed by Manmohan.

(Translated (badly) from a Tamil article by Sathya in Thuglaq dated 9/1/2010)

Karunanidhi Takes Over as CWG OC Chairman

noreply@blogger.com (The Newsman) — Sat, 07 Aug 2010 05:30:00 +0000

The Chief Minister of Tamil Nadu and DMK supremo, M. Karunanidhi, was appointed as the new chairman of the Organizing Committee (OC) of the Commonwealth Games (CWG), replacing the embattled Suresh Kalmadi. The CWG has been embroiled in a massive corruption scandal, and there is genuine fear that infrastructure will not be ready in time for the games in October. After reviewing the dire situation, the PMO announced that Mr. Karunanidhi will take over as the chairman of the OC. The PMO cited the "exceptional organization" of the recent world tamil conference in Coimbatore, and the tax-like predictability with which the DMK engineers victory in every election in Tamil Nadu in appointing Mr. Karunanidhi. Real News managed to secure an exclusive interview with Mr. Karunanidhi, with our reporter posing as a journalist representing the Wall Street Journal (which Mr. Karunanidhi likes to quote). In this interview, Mr. Karunanidhi talked about how he plans to manage the games, improve the chances of Indian athletes winning, and handle the corruption charges. The transcript of the interview is given below.

Real News: What are your first steps as chairman of the OC?

MK: I have to make sure that the organizing committee can work in harmony. From long experience, I know that this would be very easy if the OC is also my own family. So, my first task is to replace the organizing committee members with my family members - M. K. Stalin, Alagiri, Kanimozhi, their children, and a few Marans thrown in for variety.

Real News: The Central Vigilance Commision (CVC) has found massive corruption in all aspects of the CWG. What are you planning to do about this?

MK: I have looked into the accusations by the CVC. There is no corruption. All those accused by the CVC are dalits, and the vigilance commissioner is a brahmin.

Real News: Your predecessor Mr. Kalmadi himself is facing corruption charges. What is your advice to him?

MK: I know a Tahsildhar in Tamil Nadu who can certify that Mr. Kalmadi is in fact Mr. Kaalmaandi, a Tamil dalit. The corruption charges against him are part of a conspiracy by brahmins in Tamil Nadu. They previously tried to bring down A. Raja because he is a dalit. Having failed before, they are now targeting Mr. Kaalmaandi.

Real News: CVC estimates that several hundred crores have been misapproriated by the organizing committee of the CWG.

MK: This is indeed worrisome for my family members - I mean the new OC. They're worried about whether there is anything left for them to make out of this assignment. I have asked the Prime Minister to make more funds available for the CWG.

Real News: It seems like stadiums and other facilities may not be ready in time for the event. What are you doing about this?

MK: I am bringing film technicians from Chennai to create sets that look like stadiums, swimming pools, housing accommodation, and other facilities. Nobody - except perhaps the athletes - will know they are not real. This is how we inaugurated the new Tamil Nadu assembly building before it was ready.

Real News: There is a widespread feeling that Indian athletes will perform poorly. What are your thoughts on this?

MK: This is exactly what the opposition said about DMK in the last several elections, but we won resoundingly. I am announcing later today that we're giving a free TV set, a free bicycle, biryani packets, pre-paid SIM cards, rice at Rs. 1 per kg, and Rs. 5000 in cash to each referee to award the first place to Indian athletes. CWG volunteers will go to the referees' houses and deliver the goods, and also to warn them of dire consequences if they fail to vote for Indian athletes. We are also demanding 69% reservation of medals to Indian athletes in every game. This will also significantly enhance their ability to win medals.

Real News: The people of Delhi have borne the brunt of the preparations for the games, and most likely will stay home during the games. Are you prepared for a poor turnout at the games?

MK: I have asked the PM to declare a one month holiday for schools across the country, and to run special trains to Delhi for people to travel free of charge - just like what we did for the Coimbatore Tamil conference. This should bring in a huge wave of humanity to Delhi to see the place and attend the games. The contract to serve free meals to the crowd will be given to one of my family members.

Real News: We hear that there is a pre-games extravaganza in the works. Can you throw some light on that?

MK: Certainly. CWG volunteers are organizing a two-day pre-games ceremony in which poets from across the commonwealth will compose songs in praise of me and my accomplishments as the OC chairman. My younger brother A.R. Rahman will set these songs to music. The PM is conferring me the title "Ulaga Magaa Vilayattu Kalaignar" (World's Ultimate Sports Artist), and honorary gold medals for all sporting events will be awarded to me. Tamil film artists will conduct a song-and-dance show to entertain me and the other attendees.

Real News: What other preparations are ongoing?

MK: The PM and the Sports Ministry have agreed in principle that the games will be conducted in Tamil. We're running crash courses to train the referees and athletes to issue and follow instructions and commands in Tamil. We're working on suitable Tamil names for various events like decathlon, and also introducing purely Tamilian games like gilli and paandi in the program. DMK volunteers have been asked to go around Delhi with tar cans to paint over Hindi and English sign boards and write the signs in Tamil.

Real News: Finally, your message to the people of India?

MK: Always speak in Tamil. See all the movies produced by Alagiri and the Marans, and the movies for which I write the screenplay. Avail the free transportation, come to Delhi for the games, and enjoy the free food. Those who can afford it - by which I mean the brahmins, should fly Spicejet and attend the games. Don't forget to visit Tamil Nadu during the next general election and cast your vote for DMK in any polling booth. We have made it very easy and profitable for any Indian to vote for DMK in Tamil Nadu, a fact they can appreciate first-hand. Nanri. Vanakkam. Vaazhga Tamil.

Rupee Gets a Symbol

noreply@blogger.com (The Newsman) — Sat, 17 Jul 2010 03:29:00 +0000

The Finance Ministry announced that a new symbol for the Indian Rupee has been selected. Designed by Bombay IIT post-graduate D. Udaya Kumar, the symbol was approved by the Union Cabinet on Thursday to distinguish the currency of the over $1-trillion economy from the rest, such as the rupee or the rupiah of Pakistan, Nepal, Sri Lanka and Indonesia. Briefing presspersons, the Information and Broadcasting Minister Ambika Soni said “It's a big statement on the Indian currency. The symbol would lend a distinctive character and identity to the currency and further highlight the strength and global face of the Indian economy.”

The new symbol consists of an outstretched palm inscribed with a character, which is a cross between the English "R" (with the vertical line missing) and the Hindi "Ra", with a distinct line across. The designer, Mr. Kumar - a Chennai resident - said that the symbol reflects the Indian ethos and culture. "The palm is that of the ever-present politician, bureaucrat, policeman, and petty government servant who is out to get your hard-earned Rupee. The character symbolises the long-standing central government culture of slowly erasing English and imposing Hindi on us, and the horizontal line represents the equation: Pay cash = Get things done."

As expected, Newspapers and the Electronic media have been ecstatic about the Government's action in designating a new symbol for the Rupee. Headlines abounded proclaiming that the Indian Rupee has "joined the elite global club" of the US dollar, the British Pound, the Euro and the Japanese Yen as the only currencies to have their own symbols. A lone sour puss commentary in the Times of India titled "We're kidding ourselves" pointed out that these other currencies were truly global and readily convertible, and thus needed a convenient representation while symbolizing the Indian Rupee was an exercise in narcissism. This drew an angry response from the I&B Minister Soni. "The convertibility of the Indian Rupee using hawalas is well-known to people across the globe. I haven't heard of the single instance of someone not being able to convert to and from the Indian Rupee, barring scattered complaints of high hawala transaction costs. The representation of the Rupee by its own symbol will further speed hawala transactions, and position the country for faster growth," she said.

The BJP said that the UPA government has politicised the Rupee symbol. "The palm in the symbol is actually the Congress party's election symbol. They have deliberately chosen this symbol to reinforce the party image with the people," said a spokesman for BJP. Ms. Soni denied this vehemently. "The Congress symbol is an upright palm. The outstretched palm in the Rupee symbol collectively represents the hands of all of us across the political spectrum. It reminds those who wants to do business in India to be ready with cash for all of us. The BJP should appreciate this," she said. This was endorsed by a financial analyst for Morgan Stanley. Welcoming the new symbol, he said that with growing foreign investments in India, the symbol is a good reminder to investors of the first principles of doing business in India.

The new Rupee symbol is not a uniform hit across India. The Chief Minister of Tamil Nadu, M. Karunanidhi - fresh out of the World Tamil Conference - said that the exclusion of Tamil from the symbol was bothersome. "I can recognize the palm of the Tamil politician, but the inscription on the palm is not quite correct. A simple adjustment - just turning the bottom stroke of the inscribed symbol to point to the other direction, thereby making it the Tamil "Ra" - will correct the inequality and discrimination. Furthermore, we will have a truly ancient language - and only language in which I and my family speak - represent the Rupee," he said. He also released a song about the greatness of Tamil and the Rupee, set to music by A. R. Rahman.

Information technology experts said that it would take several years before the new symbol will reach computer key boards. "It's a complicated symbol to capture," said a spokesman for Infosys.

Separate Symbol for Black Money

The finance ministry is said to be considering a separate symbol for black money. A ministry spokesman said that much of the economy is running on black money and a separate symbol for it would make it easier to refer to it and keep track of in Government records. I&B minister Ambika Soni said that another competition will be announced to create a black money symbol - open only to relatives of politicians, bureaucrats, businessmen, i.e., everyone except salaried employees. Mr. Udaya Kumar, the designer of the Rupee symbol, said that the same symbol can be used for black as well as white money. He proposed that black money be represented by white-on-black background, as depicted in the picture to the left. IT experts are worried that it may take two keys in the computer keyboard for black and white money, or perhaps a complicated keyboard shortcut. "We have to figure this one out," said an Infosys spokesman.

Canada Explains Visa Policy

noreply@blogger.com (The Newsman) — Thu, 27 May 2010 14:02:00 +0000

The Canadian Government today explained its policy for granting visitor visas to Indian officials, particularly those who are associated with defence or intelligence services. "We are told that the Indian Army and paramilitary forces engage in violent acts once in a while - such as fighting wars and suppressing insurgencies. The Indian Intelligence Bureau is also known to plot violent action against Pakistani terrorists. We cannot grant visas to people associated with these inherently violent organizations," said a spokesman for the Canadian High Commission in New Delhi. His comment came after the Indian Ministry of External Affairs objected to the rejection of visa applications by Canada from former Army, BSF and IB officials. Elaborating further on the visa policy, the spokesman said that all army or paramilitary personnel have to produce certificates stating that they served solely in peace-keeping missions to qualify for Canadian visas. "Anyone who has fired a weapon or otherwise misused his position in the armed forces by engaging in violence will not be granted a visa," he said. He cited Mahatma Gandhi as a model visa applicant who was granted a visa some years back.

A spokesman for the Border Security Force (BSF) denied the Canadian allegation that BSF is a "notoriously violent" organization. This was the designation used by the Canadian High Commission in denying the visa application of ex-BSF constable Fateh Singh Pandher. "We admit that the BSF occassionally lobs a shell or two across the Indo-Pak border. We have no history of hitting anyone on the other side or of stopping infiltrators from crossing over. In fact, we are changing our name to Basically a Show of Force from next month," said the spokesman.

Canada also rejected the visa application of ex-IB official S. S. Sidhu stating that the IB engages in "subversion against democratic governments". Asked for his opinion on the matter, an IB spokesman said that there was no truth to this statement. "As we all know, the main function of IB is to spy on opposition leaders and opposition parties that are in power in various states. This is the constitutional function of IB, and cannot be termed subversion of democratic governments," he said. Asked if the same standards would apply for American CIA officials visiting Canada, the spokesman for the Canadian High Commission said that the question was irrelevant since Americans do not need a visa to visit Canada. He further stated that the CIA was engaged in the generally acceptable business of subverting foreign governments, while the IB subverted its own government. "That's quite a different scale of subversion," he clarified.

The Canadian Government has also come down heavily on the Punjab police for alleged human rights violation in fighting militancy. The visa applications of Additional Director-General of Police Rajan Gupta and Patiala SSP RS Khatra were rejected on the grounds that they were involved in "anti-militancy" activity. "Any serving or ex official who has fought innocent militants will not be granted a visa," reiterated the Canadian HC spokesman. "We would rather see Police officials appeal to the militants to abjure violence and come to the table for peace talks. In this regard, we are pleased to announce that we have visas ready for P. Chidambaram and Manmohan Singh with lifelong validity for not fighting the Maosists by violent means but appealing to them daily to stop slaughtering the security forces," he said.

What if Shahzad had Set Off a Bomb in Mumbai?

noreply@blogger.com (The Newsman) — Fri, 07 May 2010 11:12:00 +0000

May, 1, 2010: Explosives carried inside a Maruti WagonR go off at 2 PM near the busy Chatrapati Shivaji terminus, killing fifteen and injuring forty. There is utter chaos while bystanders take the injured to nearby hospitals - where they are refused admission for lack of "police certificates". News TV channels compete with each other in stating numbers for the dead and injured. NDTV wins with a scrolling headline stating "100s Killed, 8000 injured in a massive explosion in Mumbai." Police and the bomb squad rush to the scene at 6 PM, and lathi-charge a crowd which is on the scene looking for their friends and relatives among the dead and injured. The Home Minister appears on TV at 7 PM and tells reporters that stern action will be taken against the perpetrators. The Prime Minister calls the act "dastardly" and expresses condolence to the family of the victims. Maharashtra Chief Minister, Ashok Chavan, announces an ex-Gratia payment of Rs. 2 Lakhs to the families of the dead, and Rs 1 Lakh to the injured. The CM also announces that Government jobs will be made available to one member in each of the families of the dead. Shiv Sena supremo Bal Thackeray says that no Government job should be given to any non-Marathi who was related to the dead. At 9 PM, an NDTV reporter sadly states that only 15 were killed and 40 injured, but cautions that these numbers could climb to 600 and 8000, respectively, as previously reported.

May, 2, 2010: Editorials in major newspapers once again express anguish at another terrorist attack, ask that talks be continued with Pakistan on peace. Op-ed writers praise the resilience of Mumbaikars and state that nothing can destroy the spirit of Mumbai. The U.S issues an official statement condemning the "cowardly act of terror" and emphasizes the "shared democratic values" of the two great nations. Pictures of semi-naked women appear on the back pages of the Times of India, as usual.

May, 10, 2010: T-20 World Cup is in full swing and there is no mention of the bomb blast anywhere. The terrorists seem once again to be beaten by the country's "Don't Give a Damn" attitude!

May, 12, 2010: NDTV reveals that a man arrested on May, 1 at Mumbai's Chatrapati Shivaji (what else?) international airport on a nuisance case for peeing on a wall and refusing to pay a bribe to a police constable is actually the man who planted the car bomb near the Shivaji terminus. According to NDTV, this man, who calls himself Faisal Shahzad, got into an argument with a police constable, when the latter tried to demand a bribe for letting him off the hook on the nuisance case. Shahzad told the constable that he was not a small fry, but the guy who planted the bomb earlier in the day. The constable happened to be one of the ten smart guys Mumbai police had on their roll, and immediately arrested Shahzad. NDTV repeatedly scrolls the breaking news on Shahzad's arrest, and other news channels do the same, annoying T-20 viewers.

May, 21, 2010: The Home Minister, P. Chidambaram, goes on TV and tells reporters that Shahzad is an American national of Pakistani origin. He shows Shahzad's old Pakistani passport, and his current American passport. The Home Minister also says that Shahzad trained in Pakistan with the LeT. The Foreign Minister , S. M. Krishna, demands that Pakistan shut down the LeT and arrest Hafiz Saeed, the LeT supremo.

May, 22, 2010: Pakistan Foreign Minister, S. M. Qureshi, scoffs at India's demands and says that Shahzad was never a Pakistani national. He calls the "evidence" India presented the previous day as "flimsy", and perhaps concocted. On Charlie Rose show - taped remotely - Qureshi claims that there is no such thing called LeT, and the so-called bomb blast in Mumbai was really an accident involving fire crackers. He concludes by stating that Pakistan is a victim of terrorism every day, and asks the world community to immediately send aid to the tune of several Billion dollars.

May, 24, 2010: India complains to the U.S about Pakistan's intransigence and the U.S Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, asks Pakistan to act sternly against terrorist masterminds operating openly in Pakistan. Later in the day, the U.S wires another $468 Million to Pakistan, as the second installment of the military aid to "fight terror". Clinton praises India for not acting hastily against Pakistan, and announces that Pakistan is being admitted as a special member of NATO and granted the status of the "most-favored ally".

May, 25, 2010: Editorials in Indian newspapers fume at Pakistan's admission to NATO and the most-favored ally status. Foreign Minister Krishna states that a dossier has been generated outlining the entire plot behind the Mumbai bombing, and this will be sent to both Pakistan and the United States.

May, 30, 2010: Pakistan Foreign Minister Qureshi says that a dossier of some sort has been received from India, and he will look at it after his summer holiday. "We receive many dossiers from all over the world, and can look immediately only at those containing financial aid. Others - we put in a queue and look at when we get a chance," says a Pakistan foreign ministry source.

May, 31, 2010: S. M. Krishna complains to the United States that Pakistan is not looking at dossiers India is sending with "incontrovertible proof" of LeT's hand in the Mumbai bombing. The U.S advices India to attach a few hundred million dollars of aid to the dossier and send it again. Shashi Tharoor, now a member of a panel on foreign affairs, tweets that U.S will be an interlocutor, helping India and Pakistan resolve the Mumbai bombing issue. The BJP creates a ruckus in the Parliament about Tharoor's tweet, and Hillary Clinton issues a press release stating that the U.S cannot mediate on bilateral issues between Pakistan and India, but will give a helping hand whenever asked.

...and so on.

August, 1, 2025: The Home Minister declines to forward Faisal Shahzad's mercy petition to the President, stating that there are thirty other petitions in front of Shahzad's, including that of Ajmal Kasab, the terrorist sentenced to death in 2010. BJP leader Advani condemns the Government's vote bank politics, and Prime Minister Rahul Gandhi defends the Government's stand stating that the sentiments of the minority community of death row inmates have to be respected. Mr. Gandhi also states that "Faisal Shahzab" sounds very similar to "Ajmal Kasab", and it is very confusing for prison administrators to have two such names in the death row. He announces that the Government might release one or both of them for this reason.

Where does it end? Just follow the Kasab story.

India Asks Pakistan to Give Back Secrets

noreply@blogger.com (The Newsman) — Sun, 02 May 2010 06:08:00 +0000

The External Affairs Minister, S. M. Krishna, today asked his Pakistani counterpart, S. M. Qureshi, to hand over all the secrets that Madhuri Gupta - the diplomat-turned-spy - passed over to Pakistan. "Give back our secrets - that's our request to Pakistan," Mr. Krishna told reporters. "We ourselves haven't seen most of them and we need access," he said. Probed further by reporters as to the nature of these secrets, Mr. Krishna said that the Government did not know precisely what they were, since they were secrets. "But we have our suspicions," he said.

Research and Analysis Wing (RAW) sources said that there was strong suspicion that Madhuri Gupta passed over to Pakistan vital information of national importance such as the IPL auction process, the list of people who got kickbacks from IPL, the actual amount that was in Mayawati's currency garland, the gender of Swami Nityananda, precisely how many women were in bed with ex-Andhra Governor N. D. Tiwari, whether M. Karnunanidhi will ever retire from politics, and exactly how much the media rights for Sania-Shoaib wedding was sold for. "In addition to all this, we also think that Madhuri handed over the missing Billion-Dollar IPL deal papers and Hemant Karkare's bullet-proof vest to Pakistan," said an anonymous RAW source. "The Indian Government has been trying to get all this top-secret information for a long time, and it is frustrating that they are now with Pakistan," he said.

A statement from the Pakistan Foreign Ministry said that while Pakistan relished the triumph of turning an Indian Foreign Service officer into a spy, it did not possess the secrets India wanted. "We understand India's eagerness to know the answers to all these vital questions, but unfortunately, we don't have them. In fact, what Ms. Gupta gave us was mundane information like troop positioning along the Indo-Pak border, locations of Indian nuclear installations, etc, which we already knew about," said a Pak Foreign Ministry source. A RAW source expressed skepticism about Pakistan's claims. "Make no mistake, they have all the top-secret information we desperately need," said the source. As an example, he cited Kasab as telling RAW interrogators that he met a Pakistani ISI officer during his terrorist training who claimed to know the identity of the real Prime Minister of India - whether it was Manmohan Singh, Sonia Gandhi, or Rahul Gandhi. "That Pakistan would cultivate Madhuri Gupta for so long without tangible benefits is absurd," said the source.

But RAW itself is under the microscope for losing Madhuri Gupta to Pakistan. Even though Indian agents were trailing Ms. Gupta for months, they failed to prevent her from passing secrets and did not arrest her until after the damage was done. Our RAW source said that there was a lot of circumspection in the initial days after Madhuri Gupta came on RAW's radar. "We were not sure which political party Ms. Gupta was affiliated with. One of our agents said that she went into a Youth Congress office, so we had to be careful. We later sent a female officer to ask Ms. Gupta whether she agreed with the fact that Sonia Gandhi is the best leader India has ever had - after Indira and Rajiv Gandhi - and she totally bought our confidence by saying that Sonia was an even better leader than Indira Gandhi. It was only much later that we learnt that Ms. Gupta was actually a BJP supporter. We then acted quickly and arrested her," explained the source.

Govt. Reiterates Anti-Terrorism Policy

noreply@blogger.com (The Newsman) — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 06:25:00 +0000

The Union Home Minister, P. Chidambaram, today reiterated the Government's long-standing anti-terrorism policy after the opposition raised a ruckus in the Parliament about the shoddy handling of the recent bomb blast in Bangalore's Chinaswamy stadium during an IPL match. "Don't Give a Damn! - That's our well-known policy and we're hopeful that the terrorists will get it sooner or later," he said. Responding to a scathing editorial in The Hindu, which outlined the bumbling non-response of the Government, he said that the handling of the event was according to a policy that was scientifically calibrated to respond to terrorism under "indian conditions". "Terrorists can hardly make a dent on a Billion plus population by killing a few here and there, and based on advice from experts in the Indian Statistical Institute (ISI), we had claibrated our 'no response' policy," he said. He further substantiated the policy by stating that Indian citizens have no expectation that the Government will protect them from terrorism, and that they readily bounce back to normal life immediately after terorist attacks. "In fact, the Home Ministry received several thousand SMS messages from spectators in Chinaswamy stadium asking us to come after the match is over to conduct investigations - if any," he said.

According to a Home Ministry source, a similar policy is also being formalized with regard to Maoists. "There has been some confusion about whether Maoists are terrorists or just normal citizens hell-bent on violence - like paid party workers. This confusion has delayed our response to Maoist attacks," said the source. "But now that we know they are better armed and trained than our security forces, and can inflict more damage than Lashkar terrorists, we have finally categorized them as terrorists, but Not-Ordinarily Terrorists (NOTs). As a result, our 'Don't Give a Damn' policy applies to Maoists as well," he said.

Mr. Chidambarm warned all terrorists to refrain from further attacks. "We warn both regular terrorists and Maoist NOTs to stop wasting their resources in planning and executing further attacks. Your money is better spent attacking the U.S or the EU or some other country that gives a damn about their citizenry," he said.

The Government's anti-terrorism strategy seems to be working, according to terrorism experts. "There has been no sigificant attack since 26/11 by Lashkar," said Steve Tankel, an LeT expert. "They are beginning to realize that New Delhi doesn't give a damn, and this is completely disorienting them. They have to now figure out a more effective way to destablize India, but I doubt they can come up with such a strategy any time soon. They have essentially been checkmated," he said.

News in Brief

noreply@blogger.com (The Newsman) — Sat, 17 Apr 2010 05:30:00 +0000

Tharoor Gets "Death Threat" SMS

It was widely reported recently that Minister of State for External Affairs, Shashi Tharoor, got a death threat via SMS after his alleged involvement with the Kochi IPL franchise scam. A source close to the Minister said today that it was all a misunderstanding. According to this source, Mr. Tharoor got an SMS stating that "You may die tomorrow. Imagine the plight of your family." Mr. Tharoor reported this to the Home Ministry and his security was immediately beefed up to Z category. Later, Mr. Tharoor scrolled through his inbox and found a second SMS following the first, which said "Don't take chances. Call Tata AIG Life Insurance today". Asked if the high security will now be withdrawn, a Home Ministry spokesman said that they will maintain Mr. Tharoor's protection at current levels because "there is a good chance that Sonia Gandhi might attempt to sock him hard one of these days for all his stupid tweets."

Meanwhile, MEA sources indicate that Tharoor may have to quit his post because the IPL scam has involved an amount small enough to fire a junior Minister of State. "A minister cannot continue in his post if he's involved in a scam of value less than Rs. 10,000 Crore," said a UPA spokesman. "Thus, A. Raja - who's involved in Rs, 60,000 Crore spectrum scam - is eligible to continue in his post, but Tharoor cannot. The IPL payoff to his friend Sunanda Pushkar is only Rs. 70 Crore," explained the spokesman.

IITs Reveal Formula for Ranking 2010 JEE Candidates

The Joint Entrance Exam organizing committee of the Indian Institutes of Technology issued a statement clarifying how it will rank the roughly 472,000 students who took JEE 2010. According to the formula released by the JEE organizing committee, students will be filtered first based on their performance in the Math test, then by their age, followed by their performance on the top two tough questions in physics, and finally by a cut-off applied to their chemistry tests. The resulting pool will be ranked by converting their last names to a numeric value by application of a secret formula, and the results randomly shuffled to produce the final ranking. "We want to be fair to all those who take the JEE, even to the forward caste students," said Prof. S. G. Dhande, Director of IIT, Kanpur, and member of the JEE organizing committee. "Hence our sophisticated ranking system," he explained. Prof. Dhande also said that the JEE organizing committee first considered utterly simplifying the 2010 selection process by just taking in the names of the applicants and selecting the candidates for the open seats randomly through a lottery, but ran into heavy opposition from the coaching schools. "A lottery system would have been fairer and put an end to student misery, but FITJEE, Brilliant, and other coaching outfits opposed this on the grounds that large-scale unemployment would result for ex-IIT professors currently making huge sums in their coaching careers," said Prof. Dhande. "After considering the fact that they too will not have any career prospects after their retirement, the JEE committee members unanimously voted for the current formula," he said. When contacted for their side of the story, spokesmen for FITJEE and Brilliant said that both organizations were busy preparing statements congratulating their students for achieving the first ten ranks in the 2010 JEE, and did not have time to respond.

Meanwhile, the chairman of the JEE organizing committee, Prof. T. S. Natarajan, said today that there were serious errors in the question papers, but the "students need not panic" as the final selection is anyway random based on luck and chance.

Some Good News, for a Change!

noreply@blogger.com (The Newsman) — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 16:35:00 +0000

A multitude of readers of Real News (i.e., three) had told us last week that the despicable old blog reports nothing but bad news article after article. One of our readers went so far to say that our articles were becoming too predictable in highlighting the (mis)deeds of the usual suspects. Although we did our best to point out that the mission of Real News is to be satirical, cynical and suspicious of everything that goes on, the aforementioned readers still wanted to see some feel-good stuff written once in a while. Being firm believers of the credo, 'the customer is always right,' we decided to scour the newspapers for good news and highlight it. As any hapless resident of India can testify, it is indeed hard to find anything good in the newspapers nowadays. From Maoist attacks and Pakistani ISI plots in the front pages to the rowdy behavior of the members of parliament in the middle pages, concluding with the news of the start of the third IPL season in the sports pages - all interspersed with stories on rapes, murders, negligent deaths, quota fights, corruption cases, traffic chaos, power cuts and water shortage - it was rather difficult to find anything good to write about. Nevertheless, with no formal training in the art of finding silver linings in dark clouds, we were determined to find something good to write about for this article. As a first step, we went through various corporate pronouncements to get trained quickly on how executives spin patently disasterous stuff as good news. After a couple of hours of reading past executive communications on business directions, reorganizations, and quarterly financial results, we were ready to look at news differently. To our utter surprise, this new outlook led us to discover all sorts of underlying good stuff in mainstream media stories. We are providing below a small collection of the good news we found.

Mumbai Indians beat Rajasthan Royals by four runs

We immediately saw the good news here that neither the Shiv Sena nor the MNS had protested the name "Mumbai Indians" - their stand being that Mumbaikars cannot be Indians. With our previous cynical outlook, we would have written a story on how Sena and MNS activists went on a rampage and attacked IPL offices for not naming the Mumbai team the "Mumbai Manoos" or "Mumbai Marathis", rather than "Mumbai Indians" - a name offensive to all red-blooded, card-carrying Manoos. Seeing that the Mumbai Indians were still playing cricket and not lining up in front of Bal and Raj Thackeray's houses to apologize, we were positively elated and wanted to share the good news with our readers.

Mayawati spending Rs 200 million on party rally

We were initially upset to read that the same UP Government that pleaded lack of funds to help the victims of the recent stampede at Pratapgarh was spending huge sums from the public exchequer for a political event. Prior to our decision to report only good news, we would have written something stingingly satirical about Mayawati and the reckless abandon with which she milks dry the State of UP. But having gone through our brief corporate training, we wanted to merely point out that Mayawati was only spending 200 Million Rupees, not 200 Million Dollars - which was quite in the realm of possibilities given her penchant to acquire and spend collosal sums of money. This is indeed good news for the people of UP, and we are happy to report it here.

Not Everybody is Screwed by High Income Tax

With each central budget, we imagine the prospect of lesser income tax, given that we get nothing in return for the taxes we pay and that the money mostly lands up in the pockets of politicians. As usual, the recent budget announcement was in the category of eyewash with cosmetic actions on income tax relief. With our prior negative mindset, we would have carped endlessly about the high income and service taxes and the corrupt system that eats it all up. After turning a new leaf for this article, we wanted to report the good news that at least some set of people were enjoying crores of tax-free income. These are the country's beloved corporate titans - the likes of Narayanamoorthy, Nilekani, Premji and the Ambanis - who do not have to pay any taxes on the huge sums they receive as stock dividends. This good news should make you feel better as you pay 30% (+ surtax) on your 8 lakhs salary.

Pune blast: Police commissioner blames German bakery staff and customers

With no plan or infrastructure in place to prevent or respond quickly to terrorist strikes, the Pune police commissioner accused the staff and customers of the German bakery as being responsible for the blast that killed seventeen people on Valentine's day. Our immediate reaction was to lament the complete lack of accountability on the part of police and security services on internal security, and the predictable frequency with which terrorist strikes occur, but we were able to see the good news lurking below the Pune news item. India is at least still putting the blame on Pakistan for the 26/11 attacks and not blaming the people for getting in the way of terrorists' bullets. The Home Ministry might latch on to this new tactic of blaming the victims at a later point in time, but the good news is that we have no evidence so far of this logic spreading.

We have many such good-news stories to report, but the overall good news for our readers is that we have a day job that keeps us busy and away from generating these pestilential posts too often.

Maoists Plotting to Overthrow Indian Government by 2050

noreply@blogger.com (The Newsman) — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 16:53:00 +0000

The Home Secretary, G. K. Pillai, said on Thursday that the Maoists are plotting to overthrow the Indian Government by 2050. "They are not looking at 2012 or 2013, but 2050 or may be even 2060 to overthrow the Indian Government through armed struggle," he said. "We therefore have plenty of time to deal with them. The Government is immediately suspending all actions against Maoists, and we will convene again in 2049 to take a fresh look at the situation," he added. The Maoist supremo, Kishanji, who is about fifty now, will be ninety by 2050, the right age to rule India, according to political observers.

There was strong reaction from across the political spectrum to Mr. Pillai's announcement. A Congress party spokesman said that the Maoists will get a fitting reply from Rahul Gandhi's grandson, who the Congress expects to be the Prime Minister by 2050. "We will not let the Maoists pose a threat to the future stability of the country under future Mr. Gandhi," said the spokesman. Mr. Gandhi, however, rubbished the party spokesman's statement. "It is absolutely wrong in a democratic country to say that a grandson of mine will be the Prime Minister in 2050," said Mr. Gandhi. "It could also be a granddaughter."

The Chief Minister of Tamil Nadu, M. Karunanidhi, said that the news that Maoists are plotting to overthrow the Government by 2050 was worrisome. "This hardly leaves about forty years for my extended family to accumulate some well-deserved wealth," he said. However, he hoped that the Maoists would take over only the Central Government and not the State Governments. The DMK in that case would be willing to work with them in addressing the country's problems. "We sincerely hope that the Maoists are merely anti India, and not anti Tamil," he said. He asked future generation of Maoists to remember that the DMK Government gave free TV sets to everyone in Tamil Nadu, including Maoists.

The Minister of State for External Affairs, Shashi Tharoor, tweeted that the Maoists better have a plan to deal with Pakistan in 2050 since the current "peace" talks are likely to continue till then. "We'll still be talking to Pakistan and the Maoists are welcome to take over," he said in a tweet. The BJP immediately condemned Mr. Tharoor's statement and asked that he be sacked from his post. "We don't really understand Mr. Tharoors messages, but we are sure they are objectionable," said a BJP spokesman. Mr. Tharoor's boss, the Union External Affairs minister, S. M. Krishna, said that he has put a new mechanism is in place whereby a software program at the ministry will automatically issue a statement distancing him from Mr. Tharoor's tweet as soon as Mr. Tharoor publishes it.

The Home Minister, P. Chidambaram, said that the future Congress Government will deal with the Maoists firmly if they had not abjured violence by then. "We warn them to not consider using violence to take over the Government in 2050. Otherwise, we will be forced to take harsh measures, the nature of which I cannot reveal before determining the potential loss of votes among Maoists and their supporters," he said.

Chidambaram and Maoists Exchange Phone Numbers

noreply@blogger.com (The Newsman) — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 10:26:00 +0000

Union Home Minister, P. Chidambaram, on Tuesday sent a message to Maoists to renounce violence and call him at 011-23093155 to start talks. In response, the top Maoist, Kishanji, sent his mobile number - 9734695789 - to the Home Ministry and asked the Minister to call him, if the Government is prepared to renounce planned violence against the Maoists. Soon after these numbers were published, it is learnt that many calls were received at these numbers, but not the expected ones.

Home Ministry sources said that within an hour of publishing the Delhi STD number, they got calls from:

Tata AIG life insurance, asking if Mr. Chidambaram or other members of Home Ministry were interested in purchasing term life policies to safeguard against potential loss of life chasing Maoists;
ICICI bank, offering loans at attractive rates to pay off susceptible Maoists to abjure violence;
Airtel, playing a recorded message peddling communist ring-back tones that Maoists might like to hear when calling Mr. Chidambaram;
Vodafone, offering lifetime pre-paid SIMs to be handed out to Kasab and Afzal Guru when they are finally released from prison; and
DLF IPL, pitching that even if Mr. Chidambaram cannot get Kishanji, he can atleast get a ticket to an IPL match.

Likewise, according to Maoist sources close to Mamata Banerjee, Kishanji also received several calls, including those from

Pakistani ISI, enquiring if Maoists are available to be recruited for local sleeper cells in India;
China, offering to send missiles and other advanced weaponry for liberating the masses from Indian rule;
The US State Department, hinting that it can mediate between the Maoists and the Indian Government privately, while maintaining publicly that it is a strict internal matter for India to work on;
Home Secretary, G. K. Pillai, asking if Kishanji could kindly indicate his whereabouts so that security forces can attempt to capture him once more; and
Tata AIG life insurance, ICICI bank, Airtel, Vodafone and DLF IPL calling to sell their wares.

In a parallel development, Government sources said that the Vodafone mobile number handed out by Kishanji - surprisingly - was not registered in his name. "We were hoping to get the residential address of Kishanji from Vodafone to nab him," said the source. "But to our total surprise, the number was not registered in his name at all. It belongs to one Sisir Kanti Nag of Kharagpur, for whom Vodafone has no identity proof. We are now looking for Nag, and if this is a fictitious name, it will take us another five years to close the case," added the source. A Vodafone source said that like those of all other cellular operators, the company policy was to harass regular citizens to produce all sorts of identity and address proofs before issuing SIMs, but plead helplessness with regard to anti-socials and terrorists obtaining SIMs. "We can only enforce rules with those who will comply," said a Vodafone spokesman. "By nature anti-socials do not comply with norms. We therefore cannot be held responsible if such elements get hold of our SIM cards," he added.

Jharkhand Chief Minister Shibu Soren said that his state was well-prepared to deal with the Maoist threat. "I called Kishanji on his mobile and told him that violent criminals are welcome as Chief Ministers in Jharkand and elsewhere. Why live in a jungle and attack policemen, when you can be a CM and undermine the police?," he said.

Mr. Chidambaram admitted that the State Police forces are ill prepared to deal with any task other than regulating traffic for VIPs. "The most difficult element is trained, well-equipped state police force to take on the challenge of Maoists," he told reporters. In a stroke of luck for the Government, Kishanji issued a statement today saying that he will be on vacation for the next 72 days and Maoist violence will resume after that. "We are offering an unconditional truce for the next 72 days. I am, of course, available on my mobile if anyone wants to talk to me," he said in the statement.

Chidambaram Outlines Anti-Terrorism Policy

noreply@blogger.com (The Newsman) — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 08:33:00 +0000

Union Home Minister, P. Chidambaram, said that Government forces will not hunt down and eradicate maoists and other home grown insurgents because they are "our own people, and we care for them". He was later asked about the slow movement in prosecuting Ajmal Kasab and the reluctance of the Congress Government in carrying out the death sentence imposed on Afzal Guru. Mr. Chidambaram said that Ajmal Kasab used to be "one of our own" prior to the partition of the subcontinent, and Afzal Guru is certainly "one of our own". "We therefore cannot in good conscience put Kasab or Afzal Guru to death," he said. "I have in fact informed Kasab and Afzal Guru that we are prepared to talk to them on any matter of concern if they renounce violence," he added.

Speaking to reporters after the bomb blast in the German Bakery in Pune yesterday, Mr. Chidambaram said that there was no intelligence failure leading to the blast. "This is just an insidious bomb planted in a popular bakery," he said. "Anyone can attack a soft target in India, and people should protect themselves," he added. Asked about exactly what types of attacks the intelligence agencies are trying to protect the people from, Mr. Chidambaram replied that the agencies are busy preventing the most vicious and egregious attacks on the nation. Citing some examples, he said "We have successfully prevented more incidents of stones being thrown at trains and other vehicles carrying Rahul Gandhi, and thwarted the Shiv Sena black-flag waving attempt during Rahul's visit to Mumbai." In spite of such successes, the intelligence agencies cannot prevent all attacks, he said. "In particular, we cannot prevent attacks on soft targets such as the ordinary citizens of this country." He added that investigative agencies are looking into the Pune blast, and will take stern action against "any terrorist who isn't one of our own".

There was some confusion about the identity of the people killed in the Pune blast. After initial reports of foreigners being killed in the blast, Union Home Secretary Gopal K. Pillai said today that none of those killed were foreigners. "We are relieved that none of the victims are foreigners," said Mr. Pillai. "There was some concern that the Rs. 1 Lakh ex-gratia for the victims announced by the Chief Minister might be considered an insult by foreigners. We are glad that this situation has been averted," he added.

Sony Entertainment TV Wins Rights to Broadcast Rahul Gandhi Reality TV Show

noreply@blogger.com (The Newsman) — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 18:46:00 +0000

Sony Entertainment TV (SET) announced today that it has acquired exclusive rights to broadcast live Rahul Gandhi's visits to various parts of the country. Mr. Gandhi often engages in symbolic acts that become instant media hits. On his recent visit to Mumbai, for instance, he withdrew cash from an ATM, bought bhel puri from a street vendor, rode a suburban train, and urinated on a wall near Dharavi - demonstrating that he was a regular Indian. All those received huge media coverage, leading SET to bid for exclusive rights to cover Mr. Gandhi's travels in the future. Sources said that SET approached Union Telecom Minister, A. Raja, with a "proposal". Mr. Raja then recommended to the Information and Broadcasting Minister, Ambika Soni, that the rights be given to SET on a first-come-first-served basis, the same way he gave away the 2G spectrum rights.

SET's announcement seemed to have taken other TV channels by surprise. A spokesman for NDTV said that the channel was a pioneer in covering Mr. Gandhi's surprise visits in the past. "We were there in the Mumbai slum when Rahul visited. We were in the dalit house in UP that he dropped by for lunch. We covered the assisination attempt on him during his train ride from Ludhiana. We even went to Alaska to cover his visit to the Eskimo Igloos. It is surprising to us that SET has been granted the exclusive rights to cover his visits," he said.

A spokesman for SET said that NDTV and other news channels were misleading the public by covering Mr. Gandhi's visits as news. "The public are highly thrilled and entertained by Rahul's daring real-life stunts. This is classic reality TV. SET being the premier entertainment channel is the right one to cover his trips," he said.

In collaboration with Mr. Gandhi's staff, SET announced an advance schedule of shows for the first and second quarter of 2010. This includes:

- Verbal sparring with Bal Thackeray over references to Mumbai as "Bombay" during speeches in Mumbai (or Bombay) (Feb, 2010)
- Jumping out of his limosine to ride a hand-pulled rickshaw in Kolkata, and later, eating jaal moodi with the rickawallah (March, 2010)
- Bribing a Delhi RTO clerk to process his driver's license renewal (April, 2010)
- Trying to get a pending refund from the Income Tax department for tax year 2002-2003 (May, 2010)

According to the SET spokesman, these shows will demonstrate Mr. Gandhi leading a normal life - just like any other Indian. "We expect to achieve the highest TRP in our history for the Rahul shows," said the spokesman.

NCP Asks People to go on a Diet to Tackle High Food Prices

noreply@blogger.com (The Newsman) — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 05:54:00 +0000

The Nationalist Congress Party, headed by the Union Agriculture Minister, Sharad Pawar, declared on Sunday that people should go on a diet if they found the price of food items too high. "People are plagued by obesity, and they would do well to go on a diet if they cannot afford to buy daal, sugar, rice and oil," said an editorial in Rashtravadi, an NCP-run newspaper. "Nobody has died of dieting. Also, eating daal causes gas, and eating sugar causes diabetes. It is not necessary for people to consume these items," said the editorial.

Mr. Pawar has been under attack for spiralling prices of sugar, pulses and other agricultural commodities. The editorial in the party mouthpiece was in response to the criticism against Mr. Pawar. "Why is food considered essential?" the editorial asked. "People develop all sorts of illnesses eating food, and Telangana agitators have shown that one can live on saline drops alone for a long time. Why then is this fuss about food prices?" said the editorial.

The editorial also noted that people spend more on other things than food items. "Our total expenditure on food items is comparatively less, around 10 to 12 per cent. The expenditure is on cosmetics, vehicles, fuel, entertainment, hobbies and luxury items but no one says a word on rising prices of these items," said the editorial.

Mr. Pawar distanced himself from the editorial even though he has used the paper in the past to further his own agenda. "The editorial does not reflect my views," he told reporters. "Obviously, I'm not in favor of dieting," said an obese Mr. Pawar jokingly.

As expected, other ministers under attack for different issues started issuing similar statements. Union Home Minister, P. Chidambaram, in refusing to pilot Gujarat's Organized Crime Bill in Parliament said that people in Gujarat should stay home and bar their doors to escape major crimes. "People can get pulmonary diseases due to pollution, and can die due to accidents if they venture out. So, why should they go out and be a target for terrorists and other criminals?" he asked. "The crime bill is unnecessary," he said.

Defending increasing number of infiltrations in Jammu and Kashmir, the Prime Minister, Manmohan Singh, said that more people leave India on any given day than those coming in. "Go to any international airport in the country. See the number of people emigrating from the country. The infiltrators coming in are very small in number compared to those leaving. Infilitration is not a big problem," he said.

Arguing in front of the High Court, the lawyer for the Greater Hyderabad Municipal Corporation (GHMC) defended the practice of GHMC in allowing illegal constructions. "More buildings in Hyderabad collapse each day than the number of illegal starts. These constructions are not a problem," he submitted. The presiding judge dismissed the PIL against GHMC stating that more PILs will be filed against GHMC on any given day than the number dismissed. "I am not concerned about these particular violations," said the judge. "There will be other PILs against these same practices sooner or later," he added.

Bihar for Biharis - Nitish Kumar

noreply@blogger.com (The Newsman) — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 05:03:00 +0000

Following in the footsteps of Bal Thackeray, the Chief Minister of Bihar, Nitish Kumar, said on Thursday that Bihar belongs only to Biharis. "Everyone is welcome in Bihar, but Bihar is for Biharis," said Mr. Kumar. He was reacting to Shiv Sena's latest tirade about north Indians and other non-Marathi people taking over Mumbai. "Biharis need not go to Mumbai. They have Bihar," said Mr. Kumar. "They can feel proud to be Bihari first, Indian next," he added.

Mr. Kumar's statements were welcomed by national leaders. "This is a good development," said Home Minister, P. Chidambaram. "We have been struggling for too long trying to figure out what to do with Bihar. With Biharis stepping forward to claim Bihar, we can start the process of carving out Bihar as a separate country," he said. Congress sources said that Mr. Chidambaram has been trying to graduate from creating new states to carving out countries, and he was eyeing this as his first opportunity.

Congress General Secretary Rahul Gandhi said that while he generally believed that India is for all Indians, he was willing to make an exception for Bihar. Mr. Gandhi was in Mumbai to enroll students to the youth Congress wing. He made a surprise visit to an ATM machine, and at one point jumped out of his armored car, hailed an autorickshaw and took off in the direction of Bandra. Reporters who managed to get into the auto with Mr. Gandhi asked him about Mr. Nitish Kumar's comments. Mr. Gandhi said that while India is for all Indians, he was willing to concede Bihar to Biharis. "The NSG commandos from Bihar, however, belong to all Indians," he said.

In an interview with a UK TV channel, industrialist Mukesh Ambani, said that great cities like Mumbai, Delhi, and Chennai belonged to all India. "Can't say the same for Patna," said Mr. Ambani. "It's quite fortunate that Mr. Nitish Kumar is claiming Bihar for Biharis," he said. Meanwhile, the Telangana Rashtriya Samity president KCR said that he can send some students from Hyderabad to help Mr. Kumar fight for a separate Bihar. "Our student agitators are getting restless waiting for the Telangana announcement. They are ready to go to Bihar to help them form a separate country," he said. "This will keep them busy and also train them to later fight for a separate Telangana country," he noted.

Mr. Kumar claimed that Bihar was not the same state it was a few years ago. "We have instituted several development programs and Bihar's GDP is growing faster than India's," he said. After being informed about this, KCR was said to be considering whether Telangana should be carved out of Bihar rather than Andhra. "The numbers certainly look good," he told reporters. Mr. Chidambaram, in a hastily arranged news conference at midnight, said that the Telangana committee will also consult Mr. Nitish Kumar before reaching a conclusion. "This might solve two problems - Bihar and Telangana - in one shot," he said.

Bal Thackeray Takes National Geographic to Task

noreply@blogger.com (The Newsman) — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 20:48:00 +0000

Shiv Sena supremo Bal Thackeray railed against National Geographic for showing Mumbai as part of India in one of its TV shows. In the show, "Exploring India," the National Geographic TV channel showed an Indian map with Mumbai being part of it, and an American correspondent was shown visiting the tourist spots of Mumbai after arriving from Delhi by train. In an editorial in the Sena mouthpiece "Saamna", Bal Thackeray wrote that Sainiks were enraged that the TV channel had taken undue liberty in showing Mumbai as part of India. "You (National Geographic) is welcome to carry on your business, but don’t meddle with Mumbai and the Marathi manoos," he wrote. “When National Geographic says Mumbai is part of India, why have they left out cities like New York, Washington and Los Angeles?” he asked. He also took National Geographic to task for not hiring a Marathi manoo for the reporting job. "You blatantly show an American walking through Mumbai even though the law requires that all TV reporting has to be done in Marathi by a manoo. If you want to bring in American reporters, go to an American city," he wrote.

Soon after the article was published, Sena goondas fanned out across Mumbai to 'ask' cable operators to stop showing the National Geographic channel. Book stores were also 'asked' to remove all copies of the National Geographic magazine. A few book stores were vandalized by the goondas, just to be sure. In an unfortunate event, some Sena goondas who did not quite get the message burnt copies of regular geography text books. A Sena spokesman later tried to justify the act stating that those books were burnt only because they had maps showing Mumbai as part of India - similar to the one shown by the National Geographic TV channel.

National Geographic is the latest in the series of targets chosen by Bal Thackeray for attack. Previously, he had attacked Tendulkar, Shah Rukh Khan and Anil Ambani for various affronts. The attack on Khan was particularly vicious for regretting IPL's decision to exclude Pakistani cricket players. Thackeray said that if Khan was so concerned about Pakistani players, he should include Afzal Guru and Ajmal Kasab in his team. Later in the day, Kasab told Judge Tahaliyani that he was not in Mumbai on 26/11 as he was practicing on that day with the rest of Khan's team, the Kolkatta Knight Riders.

National Geographic is said to have requested Mumbai Police for protection from Sena goondas. The State Home Minister Ramesh Bagwe said that the city is considering National Geographic's request, and a decision will be made based on whether the Congress Pary will have anything to do with the Sena in the next election.

Republic Day LeT Attack Thwarted

noreply@blogger.com (The Newsman) — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 06:27:00 +0000

Three days after the celebration of Republic Day in Delhi, the Research and Analysis Wing (RAW) said that an attempted Lashkar-e-Taiba (LeT) attack on Delhi that day was successfully thwarted by security agencies. The 61st Republic Day parade took place amidst tight security (see picture) and a fear of an LeT arial attack. Reports of LeT acquiring para-gliders had thrown the Indian security establishment into a tizzy, and an LeT attack was widely expected on the Republic Day. RAW today confirmed that such an attack was indeed attempted.

According to a RAW source, an LeT para-gliding team attempted to land in Delhi, but couldn't do it due to the heavy fog. According to radio intercepts, LeT controllers in Karachi put the team on hold over Delhi, but could not find a fog-free window to land the team. The team was diverted to land in Jaipur by the controllers, with instructions to go by train to Delhi to carry out the attack. But fortunately, train services to Delhi were also disrupted by the fog, and hence the team could not make it to Delhi in time for an attack on the Republic Day. "We continuously monitored their radio conversations with their controller in Karachi, and followed their every move," said the RAW source. Asked why the security agencies did not capture the terrorists in spite of knowing their every movement, the RAW source said that their job was to only intercept terrorist radio messages and issue alerts to State Governments. "Internal security is the domain of State Governments," said the source. "We send alerts in triplicate by post to every State Government on terrorist movements," added the source. The State Governments, on the other hand, do not seem to be equipped to handle such alerts. For instance, a spokesman for the Government of Tamil Nadu said that unless alerts are received in Tamil, they cannot act on them. "Sometimes, they address the alerts carelessly to 'The Chief Minister, M. Karunanidhi', rather than to Doctor Kalaignar. We cannot accept such wrongly addressed alerts," said the spokesman.

LeT leader Hafiz Mohammad Saed said today in Pakistan that LeT para-gliding teams in the future will be equipped with CAT II gear to land in fog. "Attacks on Delhi are getting increasingly difficult due to fog, traffic jam, metro collapse, and miscallenous other logistical problems. We are working with ISI to provide better equipment to our fighters to cope with these difficulties," he said. In response, the Home Minister, P. Chidambaram, said that the Indian infrastructure was ready to thwart any challenge that the LeT may pose. "Our security forces - with assitance from lousy roads, bad traffic, pollution, fog, train crashes, derailments, bridge collapses, and riots - will keep the country safe from terrorist attacks," he said.

Politicians Pay Homage to Jyoti Basu

noreply@blogger.com (The Newsman) — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 14:20:00 +0000

Politicians - shocked by the unexpected demise of veteran Marxist Jyoti Basu yesterday - paid homage to the leader. Mr. Basu., 96, was taken ill with pneumonia two weeks ago and suffered a series of organ failures. He passed away yesterday in a private hospital in Kolkotta. Even as the hospital was issuing bleak forecasts about Mr. Basu's condition - especially about multiple organ failures - Prime Minister Manmohan Singh wished him a "speedy recovery" (!). A day later, Mr. Basu died, and homage has started pouring in from politicians cutting across party lines.

The Chief Minister of Tamil Nadu, M. Karunanidhi, said in a condolence message that Mr. Basu had been one of the foremost leaders of the Communist movement, but somewhat eccentric as a politician. "I was shocked when he said that his son was not being prepared as the next CM of West Bengal, and that his nephews had not made a few hundred crores in his twenty-three years as a Chief Minister. He used to say that Bengalis were 'born artists', yet he did not make his son the official poet or artist of the West Bengal Government," he said. He further expressed wonderment at the fact Mr. Basu voluntarily gave up the opportunity to become the Prime Minister in 1996, and stepped down from the position of Chief Minister for mere health reasons. "The worst years of my life were when I was not the Chief Minister of Tamil Nadu, and I have always wondered what possessed Mr. Basu to give up the CM position and the PM opportunity," he said. Overall, discounting such idiosyncracies, Mr. Basu was a great leader whose absence will be missed, said Mr. Karunanidhi.

The leader of the opposition in Tamil Nadu, J. Jayalalitha, said that Mr. Basu had visited her home when she was the Chief Minister. "I saw him after he had waited in the lobby for just one hour. He expressed his sincere hope that the legacy of M.G.R will be carried forward forever in Tamil Nadu, and his disappointment that Mr. Karunanidhi was still functioning as a politician. With his passing, I hope that the people of Tamil Nadu will respect his wishes and throw out the current corrupt Government of Mr. Karunanidhi in the next general election," she said.

The Chief Minister of Uttar Pradesh, Mayawati, said that Mr. Basu was her inspiration. "Sometime back, I heard that he had a life-size statue of himself at his home made by a village artist. It then occurred to me that all of UP's problems could be solved by unveiling my statues," she said. "Now that Mr. Basu has passed away, I request the Supreme Court to examine his estate, and allow me to proceed with the building of my own statues," she added.

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh said that he often turned to Mr. Basu for advice. "He told me categorically that Quattrocchi was not involved in Bofors, and A. Raja was innocent in the spectrum scam. He also told me that Maoists are just disgruntled people and we should allow them to attack the defence forces. I followed his advice diligently," he said. Talking about Mr. Basu's foresight, Mr. Singh said that Jyoti Basu predicted that Rahul Gandhi would be the next Prime Minister. "The Congress party and the nation will strive to make his vision a reality," he said.

While Indian newspapers - following the unwritten rule of not being critical of recently dead politicians - were gushing praise for Mr. Basu, The Telegraph of UK threw a spanner at the works by publishing a scathing opinion piece on the decay of Kolkatta under Mr. Basu's watch. The CPM has called for a bandh in London, accompanied by severe damage to the offices of The Telegraph by party vandals and arsonists.

No 'shock deaths' or suicides after Basu's death

The Andhra Pradesh Congress Party said that there was something suspicious going on in West Bengal. "Mr. Basu died and there have been no reports of people dying of shock, or even suicides. The CBI should conduct an enquiry to see whether the Government of West Bengal is suppressing news of massive numbers of people dying of shock after hearing the unbearable news of Mr. Basu dying at 96. We hope people may not have forgotten the hundreds who died of shock after hearing about the death of Dr. Rajashekara Reddy. Such an event must have happened in West Bengal, and if the enquiry proves otherwise, the Andhra Congress Party will donate volunteers who can die of shock in memory of Jyoti Basu," said a party spokesman.

India asks Australian Goons to Attack Indians Peacefully

noreply@blogger.com (The Newsman) — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 05:56:00 +0000

The External Affairs minister, S. M. Krishna, said that India has requested Australian thugs to resort to peaceful attacks if they had racial bias against Indians studying in Australia. Speaking to reporters after meeting the Australian High Commissioner Peter Verghese about the killing of Indian student Nitin Garg in Melbourne, Mr. Krishna said that Australian goons should follow the same peaceful self-expression practiced by thugs in India. "If you have misgivings about Indian students, please burn Indian-run cabs and businesses. Sit in front of cars, buses and trains in which Indian students are traveling, and smash and torch them if necessary. Enforce bandhs and vandalize Indian restaurants and Indian-run petrol bunks. Practice peaceful self-immolation or suicide. But do not stab Indian students. That was my message to Australian anti-socials," said Mr. Krishna. "This is what our thugs do, and they usually have the satisfaction of seeing some bystanders get killed in the process. Deliberatatly targetting individual students by Australian hooligans will not be tolerated by India," he said.

Mr. Krishna said that the Governments of India and Australia were working together to address the problem. He informed reporters that a student delegation from Osmania University will visit Australia to demonstrate peaceful protesting techniques to Australian goons. "Our experts will teach Australians how to disrupt life and damage property peacefully," he said.

Meanwhile, the Australian Deputy Prime Minister Julia Gillard courted trouble by stating that violence happens everywhere in response to the killing of Nitin Garg. The Indian Express reported Mr. Gillard as saying "In big cities around the world we do see acts of violence from time to time; it happens in Melbourne, it happens in Bombay, it happens in New York, it happens in London." Mr. Krishna took exception to this statement saying that violence in India is not targeted at Indian students. "It is broadly directed, spontaneous in a planned way, and a politically protected form of self-expression," he said. "Such careless statements are offensive to our sensitivies," he added. MNS chief, Raj Thackeray, took exception to the use of "Bombay" instead of "Mumbai" in Ms. Gillard's statement. MNS activists stormed travel agencies, tore up Australian tourist brochures, and smashed up the office of Quantas in Mumbai. A few white tourists from Europe - thought of as Australians - were also beaten by MNS activists. "Mumbai is a peaceful city and welcomes foreigners from other parts of India and abroad, but they should be careful as to not offend the sentiments of Marathi manoos," said Mr. Thackeray.

On the domestic front, Mr. Krishna expressed shock at the fact that Indians go to Australia to take up courses in hair-styling and horticulture. "These students can easily join political parties in India and look forward to a good long-term, lucrative career as a low-to-mid level party functionary. We provide free accommodation in our law colleges and university campuses for all our party workers. Parents should consider these options for their children," he said. The Osmania delegation will meet the Indian student community in Australia and explain such opportunities available at home, he said.

People of the Year - 2009

noreply@blogger.com (The Newsman) — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 16:04:00 +0000

(Super)Man of the Year - N.D. Tiwari

What other men only dream about, ex-Andhra Governor N. D. Tiwari lived the experience - that too in Raj Bhavan. Video taped in bed with three women, Mr. Tiwari - at 86 - showed that being too frail to walk without assistance did not mean being handicapped in bed. He later said that the video was being misinterpreted and that the women were simply assisting him to go to sleep as per the recommendations of his physician, but there were no takers for the story. Politicians - cutting across party lines - were condemning Mr. Tiwari for disgracing the office of the Governor, but that office has been in disgrace ever since Bhuta Singh was an occupant. We think they are simply envious of Mr. Tiwari, who has set a benchmark that most octogenarian politicians (there is no dearth of this species) can only think of wistfully. Indeed, we expect Mr. Tiwari to be an inspiration for current and future generations of senior - and most junior - citizens to accomplish whatever they set their minds on.

Terrorist of the Year - Ajmal Kasab

Ajmal Kasab, the Pakistani terrorist accidentally captured on 26/11, settled down comfortably in India, knowing fully well that he faced old age before a sentence is handed out for his crimes. After he demanded mutton biryani and other perks, the Government decided to move him to the Chanchalguda jail in Hyderabad, which had been converted to a resort for Ramalinga Raju with badminton courts and fine Hyderabadi cuisine. Kasab - with the background of a vagrant and a petty criminal - turned out to have enough smarts to outwit the Indian politico-legal system. First, he filed an anticipatory mercy petition, thereby ensuring that he will never be executed even if he were to be awarded the death sentence in the far out future. After observing the typical modus operandi of scamsters like Raju, Koda and A. Raja, Kasab started denying all charges against him even though he was caught red-handed firing at people in a video. Noting that no dalit can be accused of any crime in India, he even claimed that he was a Bengali dalit. We expect the Kasab drama to continue in 2010, with no quick sentence forthcoming. Indeed, with the ability to make incredible stories, lie blatantly, and take people for fools, it is only a matter of time before Kasab joins a major political party and stands for parliamentary election.

(Accidental) Hero of the Year - KCR

Telangana Rashtra Samithi supremo K. Chandrasekhar Rao (KCR) went on the annual Telangana fast-unto-death ritual, and was about to go back to his normal diet after a couple of days, when a bunch of inconsiderate "students" forced him to give this up and go back to fasting. As is customary when a politician skips a meal, he was taken to the ICU of Nizam Institute of Medical Sciences to ensure adequate nourishment. Whenever doctors attending to him tried to feed him juice to break his fast, members of the Telangana Students Joint Action Committee (JAC) barged into the ICU and blocked them so that he could "complete his fast." A JAC member also called the Union Home Minister, P. Chidambaram, and informed him cleverly that Rahul Gandhi was skipping a previously scheduled dinner at a Warrangal Dalit hut to demand a separate Telangana state. A panicked Mr. Chidambaram announced quickly that a resolution would be introduced in the Andhra legislature to carve out a separate Telangana state. As pundits and politicians blasted Mr. Chidambaram for succumbing to a practical joke, KCR became a hero overnight. Since becoming a hero, KCR has promised that he will "shed blood" for Telangana - perhaps looking to become a Super Hero in 2010.

Bystander of the Year - Manmohan Singh

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh held such an insignificant post in 2009 that all he could do was to make observations and emit occasional cries for help. On the 63rd independence day, he said that no one will go hungry in India, without specifying how he was going to accomplish the feat. Later, he beseeched CBI to go after the big fish in corruption cases, while defending CBI's move to remove Quattrocchi's name from the wanted list in the Bofor's case. He also watched from the sidelines as CBI ultimately dropped the whole case. Mr. Singh was a model bystander as his communication minister A. Raja scammed the country of an estimated Rs. 60,000 Crore in 2G spectrum allocation. He has stood by patiently for an opportunity to talk to terrorists and militants and ask them to "abjure violence", while preventing the Air Force from firing in self-defence at insurgents. Mr. Singh was a nominee for the 2009 Nobel peace prize for his outstanding bystander role, but missed out to Barrack Obama by a hair, according to sources. We, however, have no hesitation in naming him the Bystander of the Year.

(Uninvited) Guest of the Year - Rahul Gandhi

Poor farmers across the country live in constant fear that they may have to provide food unexpectedly to Rahul Gandhi. The heir to the Delhi throne has a nasty habit of showing up at dalit huts and eskimo igloos uninvited and cadging free meals that cost the host families several weeks of income. He had become such a menace that UP dalits had posted lookouts for his helicopter, and upon sighting it had run into neighboring forrests to escape attention. It is not clear what exactly Mr. Gandhi has accomplished from his visits to huts in 2009, but one had to appreciate the risks he took in doing so - even escaping assassination attempts that Prime Minister Manmohan Singh would have called "dastardly". Mr. Gandhi is our (Uninvited) Guest of the Year.

Telangana Stir Heats Up Again

noreply@blogger.com (The Newsman) — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 05:02:00 +0000

Lagadapati Rescues TDP MLA from Osmania Mob

Senior Telugu Desam Party MLA Nagam Janardhan Reddy was attacked viciously by a mob in Osmania University campus yesterday when he went there with a handful of other TDP MLAs to cash in on the "student" movement for separate Telangana state. As soon as they alighted from their cars, slippers were thrown at the MLAs, and they were verbally abused by the "students" and asked to go back. While other MLAs nimbly escaped from the scene, the bulky Mr. Reddy was caught by the crowd and started getting thrashed.

Watching live TV coverage of Mr. Reddy getting beaten up from his bed in the ICU of the Nizam Institute of Medical Sciences (NIMS), Vijayawada MP Lagadapati Rajagopal - who is fasting unto death for unified Andhra - jumped up and ran out of the hospital, slipping through a huge contingent of policemen deployed to ensure that he did not leave the hospital. He then commandeered a motorbike of a sub-inspector, rode at breakneck speed to the Osmania campus, put Mr. Reddy in the back seat of the vehicle, and rescued him from the mob (see photo). Mr. Rajagopal brought Mr. Reddy for treatment to NIMS, and even as the policemen were watching, ran to his own ICU bed and occupied it. As doctors debated whether a man "fasting" for several days can display the kind of energy that Mr. Rajagopal did in rescuing a rather heavy Mr. Reddy, Mr. Rajagopal said that he was proving a point. "I just wanted to show that a man can live entirely off saline drip," he said. "In this regard, KCR actually got a feast - he was getting not only saline drip but also glucose drip. His 'fasting' was a farce," said Mr. Rajagopal.

In response to the incident, the AP Government suspended several policemen responsible for keeping Mr. Rajagopal in the hospital, and pardoned all the "students" who attacked Mr. Reddy. "We have to make sure that the Policemen are vigilant, and the sentiments of the students are respected," said Mr. Rosaiah, the Chief Minister of AP.

Will Shed Blood for Telangana Cause - Says KCR

Telangana Rashtra Samithi (TRS) supremo K.Chandrasekhar Rao said yesterday that "blood will spill" over Telangana if the Center goes back on its previous "promise". Immediately after his statement, Telangana anti-socials attacked a blood bank operated by Apollo Hospitals and emptied out a number of plasma packets. "We don't want blood donated by settlers from Andhra," said one hooligan. KCR later said that the first phase of blood-shedding has been accomplished, and the next step is to get TRS activists to get long-pending blood tests done for vaious ailments they suffered from. "A drop of my own blood was spilt when they inserted a needle to give me saline drip during my fast," said KCR.

Immediately after learning about KCR's plan to spill blood, Union Home Minister, P. Chidambaram, announced that the Center will once again ask the Rosaiah Government to introduce a motion in the AP assembly to form a new Telangana state. "We will go ahead with the resolution unless Andhra and Rayalaseema leaders also decide to spill blood, in which case we have to achieve a broad consensus on the issue taking into account the views of people from all the regions of the state," he said.