intelligent investor

Laurel n Hardy 10

noreply@blogger.com (pranava) — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 08:38:00 +0000

When Laurel n Hardy were kids, they were in school.
Teacher wanted to calm down the students and started a conversation:
Children, if I sell all my properties and give the money on charity, will I go to heaven?
All the students said "No"
Teacher: Children, if I clean the church everyday will I then go to heaven?
Hardy: No Madam
Teacher: Then what should I do to go to heaven?
Laurel: You need to die first!
Teacher:!!!
***********
Laurel: Hardy, why are you looking dejected?
Hardy: Laurel, two years ago I gave a hand loan of two lakh rupees to Chris for a plastic surgery to his face. When I went to his home to ask for a repayment I found that he vacated his home. Now I can't even recognise him even if he crosses my path. What should I do?

Questions n answers 10

noreply@blogger.com (pranava) — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 15:23:00 +0000

Why does the judge hold a hammer in his hand?
To remind the suspects that if they tell lies he can nail them.
***
Why is the lawyer sad?
Because his wife filed a suit in the court and hired another lawyer for defense.
****
Why is the banker giving so much of respect to the customer.
To make sure that the customer repays the unsecured loan.
****
How do you treat a constipation patient who didn't help himself unload for a week?
Call 21212121 - the septic tank cleaning experts

laurel n hardy 9

noreply@blogger.com (pranava) — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 06:33:00 +0000

Laurel and Hardy went to a liquor bar and had about six pegs when they started talking-
Laurel: I am fearless. I don't fear anyone in the world.
Hardy: is it? By the way why did your wife come here?
Laurel immediatley hid himself under the table: Where....? where is she? Tell her I am not here!

******

Laurel: Hardy, I want to do exercises every morning.
Hardy with a smile: that's so nice. But you have been telling me the same thing for the past sixty years.

******

Laurel and Hardy go to an orchestra -
Hardy: Laurel, shall we go home the drum beats are not rhythmic and I am getting a headache.
Laurel: Hardy, please bear with me. This orchestra is much better than the one my wife organises everyday at home.
Hardy: What is that orchestra at home.
Laurel: She switches on the radio full volume and bangs me as if I were drums.

****

Laurel: Hardy, did the xyz fitness centre reduce your weight with the weight loss program advertised by them?
Hardy: Laurel, they have reduced the weight of my purse instead of me.
Laurel:???

laurel n hardy 8

noreply@blogger.com (pranava) — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 05:56:00 +0000

Laurel: I have a wonderful tonic to make you laugh. Do you want it?
Hardy: Yeah, why not? I will consume it three times a day so that I can keep laughing through out the day. By the way what is its name?
Laurel: Funtonic
Hardy:!

******

Laurel: Why are you standing in the sun without your clothes?
Hardy: I am trying to dry the sweat on my body.
Laurel: ?

******

Laurel: Hardy, I have recently changed my job. Now I have thousands of people working under me.
Hardy: That's great news. By the way where are you working?
Laurel: I am working on the top floor of the 100 storeyed building.
Hardy: ??!!

********

Hardy: Laurel, I find a nice book in your hand, what is it?
Laurel: Well, it is my autobiography.
Hardy: Taking the book in his hand, but this book is empty!
Laurel: Never mind. I haven't achieved any thing worthwhile to write. In the end you can find my autograph.
Hardy: ????

shopping ideas

noreply@blogger.com (pranava) — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 09:16:00 +0000

Wife to husband: When you go to office drop me at the cloth showroom, I will do some shopping of apparel and saris.
Husaband : Okay, how will you come back? Will you take an auto back home?
Wife: Why should I waste money on an auto. When you finish your office come back and pick me up. I will finish my shopping by then.
Husband:???

*******

wife to husband in a jewellery showroom: This is a beautiful diamond necklace, isn't it? What do you think about buying it.
Husband: Yes, it is beautiful. What is there to think about it except for my six months salary bill?

*********

Husband to wife: Yesterday, your sister's marriage was fixed, isn't it? What does he do for a living?
Wife: He sells words.
Husband: what do you mean?
Wife: He is a sales representative.

prepaid charity

noreply@blogger.com (pranava) — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 08:55:00 +0000

Beggar: Sir, please give me a rupee, I beg you please give me a rupee
rajan : How many times should I tell you that I don't have small change.
Beggar : Sir, how much do you have ?
rajan: I have a hundred rupee note. Take this and give me the small change.
Beggar : After taking the hundred rupee note, says Sir, I don't have change but you can treat this is as a prepaid charity.

**********

Beggar at the doorstep : Please give me some food, I am hungry.

Housewife: I am busy with cooking, com later shouts the lady from the kitchen.

Beggar in tune shouts: Madam, I am leaving my visiting card here. Whenever you become free please call me so that I can take the food.

Laurel n hardy 7

noreply@blogger.com (pranava) — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 15:59:00 +0000

Laurel: Hardy, so far in my life I have donated many litres of blood?
Hardy: That's great. But do you remember to whom have you donated the blood.
Laurel: Well Hardy to be frank I never asked the mosquitoes their names anytime
Hardy: ?!?!?

****

Laurel: Hardy, last night I heard your wife crying? Did you thrash her or what?

Hardy: I am not so brave to hit her. Someone died in the soap on TV and she was crying for that.

****

Hardy: Laurel, how do we get detachment of all the materialistic things in life?

Laurel: Don't you know such a simple answer. It is because of a 'wife'.

*****

Hardy: what is it that moves only one foot an year?

Laurel: It is a file in Government office.

******

Laurel: So far I drank many gallons of pesticide.

Hardy: Is it true? How are you alive then? By the way what is that pesticide.

Laurel: what else but the 'soft drinks'

Hardy:!!!!

misunderstanding

noreply@blogger.com (pranava) — Sun, 10 Jan 2010 11:39:00 +0000

A couple were talking on their first anniversary.
wife: I was out of mind. If only I had listened to my mother I would never have married you.
husband: What? Did your mother advice you not to marry me?
Wife: Yes.
husband: How sad? All these days I had misunderstood how nice a person my mother-in-law is.
***********************************************************
A villager was learning spoken english. The teacher asks the villager- How do you call the girl standing on the ground floor while you are standing on the first floor?
Villager: mis-under-standing
teacher: ??

60 or 20

noreply@blogger.com (pranava) — Sun, 10 Jan 2010 11:33:00 +0000

Traffic cop stops a speeding car and asks the lady behind the wheel- you have crossed 60, didn't you?
Lady reticently- no sir, I am just past 20. but my hair on the head greyed a little bit.
cop: ?!
*************************************************************
Reporter to the heroine : I have completed 40 interviews on every birthday of yours. Atleast now tell me the truth, have you not crossed 60?
Heroine - did i say i was 20 in the last interview, please get your math correct. now it is my 21st birthday.
Reporter (pulls out his hair and runs on the road)

hit by a rose

noreply@blogger.com (pranava) — Sun, 10 Jan 2010 11:28:00 +0000

Hardy: why is it that your left cheek is swollen?
Laurel: Last night, my wife hit me with a rose.
Hardy: Will a rose cause so much damage? I don't believe it!
Laurel: The rose came along with the vase.
Hardy: ?
************************
Hardy: Laurel, today's shooting is cancelled.
Laurel: What is the reason?
Hardy: Yesterday the heroine smelled a rose and she sneezed once. She went to a doctor who advised her rest and that's it.
Laurel : ???
*********************
Laurel: Do you know where angels live?
Hardy: Yes Laurel. They stay in the women's hostel opposite to my house.
********************
Laurel: Hardy, you said that you have written the story of the soul but I find only a white paper here.
Hardy: Laurel: Oh! Never mind it can seen only by the souls.
Laurel: !!!

all are new

noreply@blogger.com (pranava) — Sun, 10 Jan 2010 11:23:00 +0000

A function is going on at a home. The lady of the house watches the photos in the panel of the camera and compliments the photographer- I think it is a new model camera, all the photos have come well.
After a while the photographer has lunch at the function and says to the lady- The food is cooked very well, it tastes good so I think you have cooked all the food items in new utensils.
**********************************************************
susan: What does your husband do for a living?
reshma: He fixes new matches.
Susan: He fixes matches in cricket or what?
Reshma: I am not so lucky he fixes marriages.

will never see a movie on DVD

noreply@blogger.com (pranava) — Sun, 10 Jan 2010 11:09:00 +0000

Laurel- Last night I rented a DVD movie and seen it for 3 hours. I went bonkers and stopped watching it as there was no visual and no sound.
Hardy- Then what did you see for three hours.
Laurel- The screen displayed 'no disc inserted'. I thought that it was the title card and was waiting for the other titles.
Hardy- ????

laurel n hardy 6

noreply@blogger.com (pranava) — Sun, 10 Jan 2010 11:01:00 +0000

Laurel and Hardy come to a city for the first time in their life. They board a double decker bus. Suddenly the rush of passengers increase and Hardy is pushed to the upper deck while Laurel remains in the lower deck. After the bus crosses three bus bays, Hardy comes down agitated and speaks in a hushed tone to Laurel: We have escaped from a great tradedy.
Laurel: what is it?
Hardy: there is no driver on the upper deck, do you have a driver on the lower deck? Lucky to be alive, isn't it ?

where is the free gift?

noreply@blogger.com (pranava) — Sun, 10 Jan 2010 10:51:00 +0000

gautam goes to the grocery store, buys an x branded cooking oil and goes home. He returns back in 5 minutes and asks the grocer: you have forgotten to hand me over the free gift along with this oil pack.
grocer: There is no free gift offer on this pack?
Gautam very angrily: whom do you want to fool. Read the packet here, it clearly says cholesterol free!
grocer:?!@#$??
****************************
Hi gautam, in ravi's marriage you gave a huge gift box. By the way what did you give?
Gautam: How do I know? The person sitting next to me in the marriage asked me to hold it while he went to refresh in the toilet. Anyway he also brought it to gift it to the couple. So, I thought what difference does it make and gave it to the bride.

Questions, Questions, Questions

noreply@blogger.com (pranava) — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 05:49:00 +0000

Q. When will the librarian get angry?
Ans. When someone opens a waste paper shop besides his library.

Q. When will a Censor Board officer feel like quitting his job?
Ans. When his son starts watching adult rated movies at home secretly.

Q. Why is it easy to weigh a fish?
Ans. Because the fish has scales on its body.

television repair

noreply@blogger.com (pranava) — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 07:38:00 +0000

Raj to Technician: Please examine this television set and tell me whether it can be repaired.
Technician after a while: Sir, your television set can be repaired for a 100 bucks.
Raj: okay, do me a favor. Don't repair this but tell my wife that this television set is not repairable and I will pay you 200 bucks.
Technician:!!!

earn billions

noreply@blogger.com (pranava) — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 07:34:00 +0000

Three women are gossiping-
Janet- If my husband uses his brain properly he will earn millions of dollars.
Mary & Samantha: What is his job.
Janet: He is a physician.
Mary- The more he utilises his brain the more my husband earns, probably ten million dollars easily.
Janet & Samantha: What is his job?
Mary- He is a software engineer
Samantha: My husband earns billions of dollars without using his brain.
Mary & Janet curiously: What is his job?
Samantha casually: He doesn't have a job. He is a politician.

Laurel n Hardy 5

noreply@blogger.com (pranava) — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 07:27:00 +0000

Laurel: Hardy, this year in the school exams I will definitely score hundred percent marks.
Hardy: How can you say so confidently?
Laurel: There were four guys sitting around me in the examination hall and each of them said that they were bound to secure 100% marks. I only copied 25% of the answers from each of the four guys. Will it not fetch me 100% ?
Hardy: ???

never become anorexic

noreply@blogger.com (pranava) — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 07:22:00 +0000

Two women who are neighbours are talking- with your diet course you have already become slim and if you continue doing this you will become an anorexia patient, said the first lady to the second.
Second lady - never mind my son is in his final year of the doctor's course. I can depend on him.
First lady - !!

sales talent

noreply@blogger.com (pranava) — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 07:18:00 +0000

Jyothi: Hey Latha, I have seen you as a saleswoman in this supermarket and today I see you sitting in the cash counter. What talent did your boss see in you and gave this promotion?
Latha: He has seen my sales talent and gave me promotion as his wife? Nothing else.

Laurel n Hardy 4

noreply@blogger.com (pranava) — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 15:30:00 +0000

Laurel: Do you know that the last time when we went to the party, a mishap took place?
Hardy: What mishap?
Laurel: In the darkness I hugged some lady thinking that it was my wife.
Hardy: Well Laurel, it was such a dark night then how did you recognise that it was not your wife?
Laurel: Whenever I hug my wife, she asks me to hold her firm and tight. The other night that lady didn't say a thing so I knew that it was not my wife.
Hardy: Laurel, in the same darkness a mishap took place from my side.
Laurel : What is it? Did you also hug someone thinking that it was your wife?
Hardy feeling ashamed: Yes Laurel, I too hugged someone by mistake but that lady said hold me tight and firm.

Laurel n Hardy 3

noreply@blogger.com (pranava) — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 07:07:00 +0000

Laurel to Hardy: Do you believe that "Love is blind"?
Hardy: Yes, I believe it. The guy who stays opposite my house is dark complexioned and short. The girl next door to me is fair and tall. When both of them have fallen in love, what does it indicate?

circular love story joke

noreply@blogger.com (pranava) — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 07:03:00 +0000

Reporter interviewing a big budget producer- what is your next movie?
Producer: it is a circular love story?
Reporter: It is something new. I have heard about triangular love story. Can you give more details?
Producer: Heroines sister loves the hero, hero's brother-in-law is behind the heroine, hero is behind heroine's neighbour and heroine is behind me. So, it is a circular love story.

is my horoscope wrong?

noreply@blogger.com (pranava) — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 06:48:00 +0000

shishir was talking to himself- predictions of my horoscope for this month say that I will receive a shocking news. Today is month end. So there is no truth in the zodiac predictions.
He lifted his head, saw his wife walking into the house and felt shocked. He saw his wife walking in with four bags full of new clothes!

reserve a berth joke

noreply@blogger.com (pranava) — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 06:39:00 +0000

Man over telephone: Hello! Is it railway station? I want to reserve a berth to Delhi please.
sorry, wrong number said the person from the other side.
Man over telephone: Hello! Is it railway station? sir, I want reservation please.
I told you this is not railway station. Didn't I?
Hello Sir! Will you reserve a berth to Delhi? called the man on the telephone once again.
Okay! You come here I will reserve a berth, but not to Delhi. I will reserve a berth in a hospital said the impatient police inspector angrily.