The Misadventures of Captain Eighties

A Sissy Post From A Sucker For 80's Happy Endings

2012-02-13T23:32:00.000-08:00

Now, as Captain Eighties, I obviously have to be a lover as well as a fighter. It goes along with the territory. What good super hero wouldn't be part robo-cop and part lothario? So as to not disappoint, I wanted to let all of my readers know that I can be a big softie.

While I do prefer horror films, hair metal and nerdgasms to the fluffy stuff, I wanted to give a shout out to my top 4 favorite "love" scenes from the 80's. So here's some happy ending Hollywood for all of you Valentine's Day saps.

4. Moonstruck - I am a sucker for Cher... and aparently a young Nick Cage.

3. Say Anything - If you want to win my heart... this is how you do it!

2. The Princess Bride - "As You Wish"

1. Can't Buy Me Love - Riding Off Into The Sunset On.... A Lawnmower.

Tribute To Elvira

2012-02-06T23:50:00.000-08:00

I have been watching cheesy 80's horror flicks for the past few days now because I've mostly been in bed sick.... sad, I know. So, today, whilist I was up and about I decided to try out the "Elvira" look. Since I look absolutely NOTHING like Cassandra Peterson, we're calling it a "Tribute" to Elvira.

So, here are the pick of the litter.. enjoy... or don't!

<3 Captain 80's

A Dream Warrior's Top 25

2012-01-12T18:51:00.000-08:00

My personal favorite top 20 horror flicks (and I use the term "horror" loosely) from the 80's.... You will most likely disagree and that is more than okay. So, in no particular order....

A Nightmare on Elm Street (...and anything Freddy related. Even Freddy vs. Ghostbusters.)
The Evil Dead
Friday The 13th (...and obviously all that follow)
The Lost Boys
Saturday The 14th
Halloween II
The Fly
Silver Bullet
Night of The Creeps
Elvira's Movie Macabre
Swamp Thing
Poltergeist
Cujo
Jaws 3-D
Aliens
Children of The Corn
Pet Semetary
Puppet Master
Gremlins
Night of The Comet
Day of The Dead
Pumpkinhead
Rabid Grannies
Waxwork
Warlock

All time WORST 80's horror movie = Q: The Winged Serpent.

*Note to readers, this was supposed to be a top 10 list, but I was already at 13 by the time I got to 1984, and that was after getting rid of some real gems!

100 Worst Songs of The 80's Challenge: Poem 3

2012-01-02T22:15:00.000-08:00

Bad Medicine: A Re-Imagining

This sickness is burning--acidic deep in my digestive
system. I can feel it eat away the lining of my
throat. Slippery pain.

No medicine. No tending. No nurturing mother's
touch, can stop this feeling from it's insidious
inside rampage.

Mommy warned me about girls like you. Said you'd
make me hurt, but those blue eyes and wide lips
said differently.

I fell for the sway of your hips, the shape of your thighs
and the sweet narcotic-laced brain inside your
philosophically-minded head.

It hurt then, the bubbling bile inside of me. Nagging
my gall bladder for sweet relief, but I ignored
the intense sensation.

The pain grew worse with time, radiating down
into the more intimate darkened corners of the pit
of my belly.

And still, you deny me the only thing that will give
me relief. Smiling with all of your saccharine and
promising me nothing.

I know there are others, that they love you. Adding
another cheap conquest to their sheets. But I need
you, love you. And. You deny me.
Everything.

If I Had Been An 80's Movie Ingenue ...

2012-01-02T21:26:00.000-08:00

I feel like I'd be the hapless cross between Andie Walsh and Chris Parker with a little bit of a cynical and sassy Janine Melnitz edge. It's got to be a mix of whiny and bad-ass. However, that is not the purpose of my little post.

I want to send some gratitude out to the "shoved-under-the-rug" 80's movie men. So, in the true spirit of 80's film appreciation, here is my life of the top 5 fictional 80's movie characters that I'd love to fall in love with.

Phil "Duckie" Dale : Every time I watch "Pretty In Pink," which is coincidentally one of my favorite 80's moves, I get pissed off and want to punch Andie right in her face. Why? Why wouldn't you pick Duckie. He's adorable and lovable and off-beat and sheesh!
Ronald Miller : Though, I prefer the pre and post "popular" version of the guy. I've always wanted to ride off into the sunset with a nerd on a lawnmower. Sigh.
Andrew Morenski / Max Hauser: I know, Jon Cryer overload, but he's just so damned cute. I wasn't a huge fan of the "Moranski" personality, but all of that Max Hauser business in the middle was gold.
Lloyd Dobbler: Do I really need to say anything else? Nope.
Mad Mardigan: I had to have a "bad boy" in the mix, and who could fill the roll better than a dirty young Val Kilmer. This was probably the first, last and only time I found him attractive. Woo.

100 Worst Songs of The 80's Challenge: Poem #2

2011-12-29T20:06:00.000-08:00

Now, let me preface this by saying, I do not completely agree with the list of 100 songs, but thought this could be a fun 80's activity just the same. So, here is #100 from the 100 Worst #1 Songs of The 80's. Also, I never promised that these would be good. I'm sure most will be humorous in nature.

Private Eyes: A Re-Imagining (In the style of a haiku)

I stalk you always,
knowing that sometimes you lie;
my love is forever.

100 Worst Songs of The 80's Challenge: Poem #1

2011-12-27T13:24:00.000-08:00

Dirty Diana: A Re-Imagining

No Diana, Dirty.

Don't think you're going to con me into staying,

you promiscuous vixen, unless you sit on

my chest. Lucky for me, you cannot move very

quickly. It must be because you're a broken down

old whore. I know I've been here,

hell I've payed with

cash dollars, food, my soul,

and I knew it somewhere, that you were a prostitute

but your womanly rolls had enticed me, as they

enticed all men who prefer cherub faced women,

but not this time.

I hate those eyes, all knowing, saying "whatever baby"

The subtle curve of the lip, ever so mischievous, you're

probably thinking

I've got the goods. I know what he likes. He can't deny it.

While I started out indignant, the defeat is slowly

worming its way into my resolve. Breaking

me down. Breaking my

all too weak and slimy integrity.

Please leave me alone.

You're Dirty Diana, no.

The next time some high roller, some rock

star comes to town, I know you'll be slipping

behind stage doors and curtains,

sipping whiskeys and laughing with the over-priced

and egotistical. Looking for fortune or maybe

fame, but being let down each time.

You're good for one night baby, not an entire decade.

And, each time you're done. Each time they break

your spirits, send you home a little worse

for wear, a little more used and broken down

than before, you'll call me up because

you don't like to sleep alone. And,

each time I'll leave my wife just

to have you once more.

*I tried to stick with the message from the lyrics as much as possible here. This really is a TERRIBLE song. Just saying.

My Eyes Hurt

2011-12-27T12:59:00.000-08:00

I may or may not have played video games for 14 hours yesterday (okay, I did). This is why I do not touch video games while school is in session; I know my limits people! If I played video games all year, no papers would every get graded. Ever.

So far, the holiday break has been excellent, and I have gotten a VERY small start on my list of "Things I Would Like To Do Over Break." I feel like it's been pretty productive so far since I only started break on Friday, and had the holiday all weekend. See it below:

Finish my second novel, "Damned Before Breakfast," and FINALLY get it to the publisher. (This should have been done last January. I'm sure they're extra pleased with my expedience.)
Play through 2 of my very patient video games. (I am more than halfway through my first game.)
Read 4 of the books that have been collecting dust in my office.
Sleep.(Got some good shut eye in the day after Christmas)
Sing Karaoke.(Went out last Thursday for a little bit, will probably do the same this week.)
Sleep more.
Write the syllabi for my Spring courses.(Set up both online classrooms, wrote out the curricula for both ground classes. Just have to type up the actual syllabi and I'm done!)
Relax.
Go see the Dr. Seuss exhibit.

Other things I've managed to do:

Got two nerdy tattoos (Matches the Dragon from Scooby Doo and The Ghoul School and The Deathly Hallows Symbol)
Played board games for hours (Pirate Flux, Zombie Flux, Mr. Bacon's Big Adventure, Tetris Link and Would You Rather)

Another Great (Probably Unfinishable) Writing Idea

2011-12-22T17:10:00.000-08:00

There is this poetry writing exercise where you take an already exisiting poem, and write it backwards. You start from the bottom and work your way to the top, keeping the line lengths the same. So, if you were to take the first verse of "Meeting at Night" by Elizabeth Browning :

Meeting at Night

The grey sea and the long black land;

And the yellow half-moon large and low;

And the startled little waves that leap

In fiery ringlets from their sleep,

As I gain the cover with pushing prow,

And quench its speed i'the slushy sand.

And then you were to apply this method, you would have:

Sand slushy i'the speed its quench and

Prow pushing with cover the gain I as

Sleep their from ringlets fiery in,

Leap that waves little startled the and

Low and large half-moon yellow the and

land black long the and sea grey the.

Then you're supposed to tinker with it until it makes sense and sounds nice again. It's meant to be a framework from which you can create new verse.... Now, the reason I am boring you with silly poetry exercises is this: I came across a list of the 100 Worst 80's Songs. It's someone's personal list, and I disagree with much of it, but I digress. I thought it might be fun to try this type of exercise with the top 100 worst 80's songs to see if I could come up with anything interesting or of some type of quality. I may not follow the specifications above, maybe I'll just use the titles... we shall see.

Does anyone think this could be a good idea? Or a worthwhile undertaking?

Robert Smith, Are You My Daddy?

2011-12-20T17:38:00.000-08:00

I was once told that I looked like the bastard child of Robert Smith and Kelly Osbourne. Now, the logistics of that particular affair send shivers down my spine and make me a nauseous sausage. However, I do not actually oppose to the reference. Who doesn't love some Robert Smith? (Well, I'm sure you people are out there, but come on... The Cure is classic!) I don't think it's a particularly accurate comparison, but then again, back in those days I looked a bit more like this....

So, I guess I sort of get it. Anyway, the reason I am randomly blogging about my appearance is because I just watched a decent cover of "Just Like Heaven." I actually really love cover songs, provided they don't completely bastardize the original. I like that today's musicians are bringing the music from decades past to a whole new audience.

The cover in question is done by AFI, and there's actually a live video where Robert Smith is in the audience at the show, even cooler.

Another cover that I found to be particularly well-done is the cover of Gerard McMann's "Cry Little Sister" done by Seasons After. Though I do prefer the original, this is pretty damn good.

Things I'd Like To Do Over Break

2011-12-19T19:39:00.000-08:00

It seems like the small winter break that I get (since I teach summers), is the only time during the year that I really get to do "me" things. I have a backlog of things that I really need to or want to do. I've been collecting books that I'd like to read for years now, and have not even made a small dent in the stack which is comprised of well over 50 unread books. I also have a pile of PS2 (yes, PS2) games and Wii games that have been lying neglected in my bedroom. So, here is the list of things that I'd like to accomplish over break. I've omitted all of the bill paying and other mundane stress-filled activities from said list.

Finish my second novel, "Damned Before Breakfast," and FINALLY get it to the publisher. (This should have been done last January. I'm sure they're extra pleased with my expedience.)
Play through 2 of my very patient video games.
Read 4 of the books that have been collecting dust in my office.
Sleep.
Sing Karaoke.
Sleep more.
Write the syllabi for my Spring courses.
Relax.
Go see the Dr. Seuss exhibit.

School's Out For... Erm... Winter?

2011-12-19T16:52:00.000-08:00

So, I just finished administering my final FINAL examination for the semester. Now I have three days of grading before my short (but hopefully relaxing) break from work. I wanted to take this time to reflect on just a few things.

Every semester I do a set of grammar lessons with my students, the last of which is a "look-alike/sound-alike" lecture. During the lecture we cover various problematic homophones and homonyms. I really hate to do exercises of this type in a college English setting, but sometimes it's necessary. So, I try to have fun with it so that the students are at least mildly entertained instead of just angry with me.

My favorite set of "problem" words is: Past/Passed. My problems tend to include things like:

Marty McFly went back to the ________________.

Bill and Ted kidnapped Socrates from the ________________________.

I like to think that I am being clever or at least funny, but it seems less and less the case these days. What's the world coming to when the youth of our nation has never seen Back To The Future? Sigh...

I also like to jazz up my mid-term and final exams with random funny answers just to see if students are paying attention. I'll occasionally hear a chuckle in the back of the room, but for the most part they stay silent. Perhaps it's because they're all serious students and hard workers... I'd like to think that. Though, it could be that they just either don't get or don't appreciate my attempts at humor.

For example:

1. When capitalizing a title in an APA style reference list, you must follow the APA capitalization rule.
Which of the following titles has been properly formatted:

A. Luke, I Am Your Father

B. The lord of the rings

C. THE ADVENTURES OF BUCKAROO BONZAI

D. Little SHOP of HORRORS

..... and to no avail. At least I am entertaining myself, right? Right?

2011-12-18T03:13:00.000-08:00

So, it's 5 A.M. and I can't sleep (again). Not that I've really made an attempt to sleep, but I'm just not tired. The insomnia has won yet another round. On the plus side, I do not have to work today. So, if I wind up sleeping all day, it won't be that bad. As I was headed towards HBO to check out this "Game of Thrones" show that I've been hearing so much about, I noticed that "What About Bob?" was on.... and I can never pass it up. I've seen it far more times than any regular person should, and it's still amazing every time.

Zombieland had it right.... Bill Murray is the best of the best. I wouldn't go as far as to say "He just get's me" because that sentiment is reserved only for Seth Green, but he's a close second. Death Therapy, for the win. "Your death therapy cured me, you genius!" If you haven't seen the movie, go watch it now (I know, I'm bossy)!

While Murray's talents have graced us from the late 70's forward, he played a number of unforgettable roles during my favorite decade, the 80's. We had Caddyshack, Stripes, Ghostbusters, Ghostbusters II, Little Shop of Horrors, and Scrooged! The early 90's brought us gems like Groundhog's Day and What About Bob.... and well, he's been just as amazing since then. That's really all I had to say. I just wanted to share my love for the immortal Bill Murray.... and it's not like you have something more interesting to read at 5 A.M. Sunday Morning.

Things I Learned From Popular 80's Music

2011-12-17T16:40:00.000-08:00

I am just being silly here, hopefully that's obvious. I didn't have anything profound to say, but wanted to say something just the same... This is what happened. Sorry, in advance. Anyway, here is a list of 10 things I "learned" from popular 80's music:

Science is DANGEROUS. After all, it BLINDED Thomas Dolby. (1982)
If you're not looking, logic will tie you up and RAPE you! (1980)
Gingers must have souls because Rick Astley is NEVER gonna give me up.(1987)
You can reach into someone's chest and grab hold of their heart without doing damage, but only if your touch is INVISIBLE! (1986)
You can build an entire city on, wait for it.... ROCK N' ROLL. (1985)
Heaven isn't an idea, or a paradise for when we're dead. It is, in fact, a place on EARTH.. (1987)
You can always tell when someone is a "Foreign Type" if they have a hookah pipe and say "Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh," DUH. .. (1986)
When no one else is around, it's probably safe to assume that you're alone.(1987)
Sticking the 7-inch in the computer is apparently VERY funny. (1989)
If you want to "rock" someone like a hurricane, you have to write a song that makes absolutely no sense...(1984)

Avid Insomnia or Desire To Indulge in Things I Enjoy?

2011-12-15T00:17:00.000-08:00

I can't be sure, but it seems the last few days have brought about a desire to spew my thoughts into my blog. It's been a while since I've done any "serious" blogging (It's never serious, you know that). I have not been sleeping much, which is not out of the ordinary, but I've been sleeping less. I'm sure the bloodshot eyes and dark circles suggest as much.

I obviously have a fondness for the 80's, I try to look and act like a regular person (albeit not very hard), but no matter what I do.... it just sort of looks like the 80's threw up on me. I don't even try anymore, it's not worth it. I'm just stuck... like in that Bowling For Soup song 1984 (but, you know without the children and yellow suv)

Anyway, there was something about films (animated or not) from the 80's that newer movies seem to be lacking. We all know that newer films, generally speaking, are lacking many things... but there was something magical and charming about the 80's. As an adult, I can still see this in the work--granted my nostalgia is sure to blind me a bit. Very few newer movies can bring about those same feelings of wonder... the newest Muppet installation was a pleasant surprise in that area. Hooray for Jason Segal! (And the villagers rejoiced)

Everything now is all about being bigger and better, and exploding (in the true Tim Taylor sense) with more power. Special FX, all done on computers, leaving creatures and animitronics in the dust. I'm a purist, I suppose. I still prefer my FX to be "real" if that makes any sense. It's one of the things that I really liked about the Silent Hill movie, there were dudes in strange rubber suits and contortionist ladies in makeup running all over the place. The computer FX, I'm sure enhanced things, but there was something real about it... which I enjoyed.

Anywho, I am going off on a tangent... Here are a few of my favorite moments from movies of times past. Enjoy!

My Brother Is A Vampire!

Mmmmm.... Juice!

It's The MEGA B*TCH!

Flight of Dragons Opening Song - By Don McLean

A lil' Inigo action for you.... classic

The Death of Artax -- One of the saddest scenes ever.

The Birth Of Legends

Down Here... Down Here It's Our Time

Fizzgig Has A Fit

Everybody should try and get dead....

WOLFMAN'S GOT NARDS!

What's Your Favorite Movie?

2011-12-14T13:16:00.000-08:00

So, I am close to finishing up my semester of teaching, and as such am running low on activities for my class. I decided to do an "extra credit" movie which the students would have to answer questions on. We're working on group cohesion. So, I chose an 80's film with a definite group and had them explain how the group was using or failing to use each of the 8 cohesiveness factors from our book. The film, The Breakfast Club, of course.

While a few students seemed excited at the prospect, there was still an unnerving amount that either had no idea what the movie was or was disheartened that we were watching another terrible 80's movie instead of something good. (How dare you! Fie! Fie on you!) Which leads me to my next, but not terribly closely related point.....

I find it strange when someone can narrow their movie preferences to just one "favorite." That has to either be the epitome of fanaticism or a lie. I cannot fathom having just ONE favorite movie. In fact, I have trouble limiting my choice to a top 10 favorite movies. I'll usually name about 15 or 20 before stopping and realizing that everyone around me is confused or bored.... but afterwards, I'll always be thinking... Well, you know, I really love this move, why isn't it on my list?

So, for all of you out there who care (or were bored enough to come to my blog), here's a list of some of my favorite films of all time (most of which WERE made in the 80's).

In no particular order.....

The Princess Bride
Labyrinth
Legend
The Dark Crystal
The Flight of Dragons
The 10th Kingdom
The Empire Strikes Back
The Rocky Horror Picture Show
Hedwig and The Angry Inch
The Court Jester
Hans Christian Anderson
Space Camp
Back to The Future
Army of Darkness
The Goonies
The Outsiders
Stand By Me
Hiding Out
Pretty in Pink
Blade Runner
Logan's Run
Flash Gordon
Beverly Hills Cop 3
Ghostbusters
The Blues Brothers
Midnight Hour
The NeverEnding Story
The Lost Boys
Monster Squad
Teen Wolf
Drop Dead Fred
Adventures In Babysitting

.....and I should probably stop now.... though I'm sure that I'll remember more later and feel sad that I didn't add them to the list..... Of course now, hours later I'm thinking... What about Mother Goose Rock N. Rhyme, Real Genius and Little Monsters.... gah!

Close Encounters of The Slightly Depressing Kind...

2011-12-14T00:16:00.001-08:00

So, I was out at karaoke (actually not singing this time, due to the nagging case of bronchitis that took up residency in my chest) last Saturday, sitting at a table of my peers all of whom fall in the 26-38 age category.

Naturally, as we're hitting the stages of quarter life and mid-life crises, we occasionally like to reflect on the fact that we're feeling a little old, and outdated. Like 8-bit versions of the younger people that walk around today. While I'm not terribly old, a large "age" or "generation" gap is starting to appear between myself and the students that I teach.

You might be thinking to yourself, "Well yeah idiot, kiddies will obviously not understand your stupid 80's references." However, to be fair, I do teach at the college level. So, for all intensive purposes, my students are adults--at least numerically. When I started teaching, the gap wasn't really recognizable. For the most part, we were all born in the same decade. But, some of today's students were born in the mid-nineties. WHO WAS BORN IN THE 90's? Really.

Anyway, I was recounting a story about how my students came in one day and asked if we could just watch Saturday Night Live instead of learning. I am one to listen to arguments, and asked them to explain WHY we should watch SNL. The argument was mildly convincing, but I decided to play along anyway. I had recently watched the N.P.H Digital Short. If you haven't watched it, go watch it RIGHT NOW (Bad quality, but it'll do for the moment)

I thought it was hilarious, and we were also going through a unit on non-verbal communication. So, it seemed like something that would please all involved parties. Well, we watched it... and the room was silent. No one laughed, in fact, no one had any semblance of recognition on their face, save a lonely soldier in the back who made an educated guess as to why the short was funny. They had never seen Doogie Howser (who, might I add, was the original blogger).

This astounded, and severely aged me. Anyway, my table cohorts were equally as confused about the situation (as we're all ancient and dusty). So, we were still chatting about it at the end of the night when one of the lane girls entered to help clean up... one of the 17 year old lane girls.... born in the mid-nineties. We quizzed her on a few things that all people should know, and she was clueless.

I had a little whiskey in me at the time, but I assume the conversation went something like this:

Me: Do you know who Doogie Howser is?

Girl: No, does he come here often?

Me. No, it was a TV show.

Girl: Oh, no.

Me: Really? Not at all... do you know who NPH is?

Girl: No.

Me: The womanizer from "How I Met Your Mother?" (should have gone with Harold and Kumar)

Girl: Oh, maybe. Does he look like this.....?

Me: No, that's not him at all.

Girl: Then, no.

Me: Have you ever heard of The Thundercats?

Girl: Is that a band?

Me: No, it's a cartoon.

Girl: No.

Friend 1: But, the real question is, have you ever seen Stand By Me?

Girl: No.

Friend #2: (Laughing) Ha ha! Now you know how I felt when I met you.

Me: That's a lie. I watched Car 54 Where Are You? growing up.

Friend #2: That's true. You're an old soul.

---- END SCENE ----

Anyway, depressing.