Scrambled Toast

Funny Web Stuff for the Holiday Weekend

2009-05-21T11:11:00.009-05:00

Here are three funny websites to keep you occupied for the three-day weekend.

Giant Microbes sells stuffed microbes. Instead of a same-old-same-old stuffed animal, a dog or a cat or a frog, get your child or grandchild a cuddly ebola doll, heartworm, or white blood cell.

Meat Cards sells business cards made from meat. I don't know about you, but I'd be more inclined to do business with somebody who hands me a piece of beef jerky instead of a piece of cardboard.

Tweeting Too Hard catalogs self important Tweets. Highly amusing - found via Lee Odden, TopRank.

Double-Take

2009-05-05T06:00:00.002-05:00

Speakin' of marketing messages (uh, weren’t we just talkin’ about that?), when was the last time you crafted one that grabbed folks attention?

Now, I’m not talkin’ about those namby-pamby, milquetoast kinda things everyone else is doin’. You know what I mean, right? Something like, “We’re the best because…” or “Buy now, because…”.

Blah, blah, blah.

Y’know, the problem with stuff like that is we’ve heard ‘em all before, right?

Nope, what you really want is a message that causes folks to do a double-take. Or one that sorta latches on to you in a “reach out the billboard, grab ‘em by the lapels, and shake ‘em until they puke” kinda way, y’know?

Well, I won’t say this one is really as powerful as all that. But it did catch my eye… Kinda clever, if you ask me.

What about you? Seen any signs lately that use the same technique? If you can snag a photo, share it, why don’cha?
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Photo: Buy gas Get beans, by Robert Hruzek
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Something Missing?

2009-04-27T16:02:00.006-05:00

Yup; never fails, right?

I mean, you go to all the trouble to formulate your message. In fact, you spent quite a lot of time working with your leadership team, wordsmithing, wordcrafting, honing, polishing –

Afterwards, you even thought to try it out on a few folks; to sortof “kick the tires” and get gut reactions. It was some effort, lemme tell ya!

Once you had it down to where it was absolutely the best it could possibly get, you made plans to get the message out there. Hey, what’s the point of having a message if you don’t tell folks, right?

You researched the best locations, formulated the right delivery, and finally, the day came when your message was supposed to be out there for all to see...

Except... someone forgot something, didn’t they? Let’s hope this doesn’t represent YOUR marketing efforts!

*sigh*
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Photo: Something Missing, by Robert Hruzek
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When Good Words Go Bad

2009-04-16T06:00:00.001-05:00

“Say what you mean; mean what you say.”

We’ve all heard some variation on that one, I bet. Probably used it yourself once or twice, even. Seems pretty straightforward, don’cha think?

Well, here’s a couple of little tidbits I read the other day from American Demographics magazine:

When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."
A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, in Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the “manure stick”.
When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out companies in Africa routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside the box – since most people can't read.

Hey, that could never happen to me, you’re probably saying to yourself about now. Well… maybe. But sometimes you have no control over just what point of view a person brings to your, uh, message.

The Farts Store

The other day I was parking the car when we happened to notice the auto dealership across the street. I didn’t think anything of it – hey, it was just your run of the mill car business, but Mrs. MZM said, “You gotta see this from where I sit!”

I looked again, but all I saw was an ordinary building, y’know? Over on one end was the word “Service”, but right in front of us was the word, “Parts”. Still no big deal, as far as I can tell. But – color me intrigued.

So I scooched over in the seat and looked again, and lo and behold (which I believe is an olde English expression that means hey, looky thar!), an amazing transformation took place, right before my eyes. Up there, big as life, the building sign now proudly proclaimed in no uncertain terms: “FARTS”!

Now, if you’re anything like me (and sincere condolences if that happens to be the case), you’re gonna have to stop and think about that one a mite.

Oh, I know, I know; obviously the place doesn’t sell, y’know, liver-and-garlic sausage (or something equally disastrous, if you get my meanin’). It’s just that an ordinary light pole, when one’s point of view was juuuust right – caused a somewhat, um, regrettable alteration in one particular letter. Unfortunately, it was enough to completely discombobulate the message.

Hey, I realize it’s simply a matter of bein’ in exactly the right spot. Still, it was not only a funny thing to see, but the – can we call it an ‘incident’? – made me wonder how many other signs I could find that, well, don’t necessarily say what the proprietors of these shops think they say. Or maybe they do?

So here’s a few signs for your contemplation, from one of my favorite spots on the Internet, the FAIL Blog:

Hey, have you ever run across any similar images? Share the URLs in the comment box and let us all enjoy 'em!

The Benfits of Bulk Packaging

2009-04-08T07:36:00.007-05:00

Buy Big, Live Large

Have you noticed that packaging containers are getting bigger and bigger? A box of cereal hardly fits in the trunk of your car anymore. And who needs to lift weights? Just carry a box of detergent around for half an hour.

Bulk packaging carries a number of economic and environmental benefits, which explains why the popularity of the bulk buy is exploding. I recently jumped on the bandwagon with this purchase -

After calculating my projected hair loss and life expectancy, I determined that this container of shampoo should be a lifetime supply. Come to think of it, I may have overshot the mark, but no worries. I have three daughters who will use it up in short order. Let's just hope they don't do the same with whatever money they might be lucky enough to inherit.

The problem now is getting the shampoo upstairs into my shower. The bulk container weights about 400 pounds and so far I haven't figured out how to maneuver it through the door from our garage into the house. People have suggested running a hose, but I'm not sure about drilling holes through the ceiling. It could hurt the resale value of our property, which has dropped about 75% in the last twelve months already.

I am saving a ton of money on shampoo, however. This 55 gallon drum cost me only $125 (plus $150 shipping). An equivalent amount of shampoo would have run four or five times as much, and that's not even taking inflation into account. Buy big, live large.

Things I Like about the Bush and Obama Administrations

2009-03-14T10:44:00.000-05:00

I dare you to guess what made these marks

2009-02-28T20:34:00.006-06:00

So, I went out to the truck the other morning and these marks were on all sides. Same with the girlfriends Explorer.

I found out what they were after some investigating. Wanna guess?

OK, there were some pretty good guesses.

Robert came the closest in that, yes they were moose oriented.

The marks that you see were caused by...

I thought my 5 year old and her friend had been wiping at the road dirt on the vehicles, so I gave a stern lecture about paint finishes and scratches. - Then the neighbor across the street told me that we had a Momma and baby moose over in our driveway the other night.

Turns out, the marks are from the moose licking off the road salt!

There you have it! Gotta love living in Alaska.

Twitter through History

2009-02-26T09:20:00.009-06:00

Image via Wikipedia

tommyj Good morning, Tweepatriots!

bfrank Hi Tom. @jmadison How's your head feeling?

tommyj Ben, you like "we the people" or "we the american people"?

jmadison @bfrank @tommyj lousy! too much ale!!

bfrank @jmadison LOL . Tell me about it. Didn't need those last two rounds.

bfrank @tommyj I like we the american people. Or tweeple ...

aaronburr @bfrank @tommyj When in doubt cut it out.

KGeorge3 @tommyj @bfrank @jmadison You guys suck

jmadison did you see washington's teeth?

bfrank @KGeorge3 You suck more

aaronburr @jmadison Whats wrong with his teeth?

jmadison @aaronburr no, I mean he lost them at the bar last night. You can't understand a word he says.

tommyj RT @bfrank @KGeorge3 You suck more

tommyj @bfrank @jmadison @Going with "WTP". Messengering drafts your way.

jmadison @tommyj thanks, man.

wigout1 Anybody seen my teeth?

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zuwanderer

Vanity License Plates You'll Never See

2009-02-15T07:38:00.003-06:00

Image by woody1778a via Flickr

License plates have become one of the hottest modes of self expression around. Here are a few vanity license plates you're not likely to see ... can you think of others?

WITNESS PROTECTION
IM 2 DRUNK
INCOGNITO
COPS SUCK
NO INSURANCE
I HITNRUN

Traditional Scottish Toasts

2009-01-12T14:38:00.003-06:00

I ran a cross a bunch of Scottish toasts over the weekend. This close to new years, it only seemed fitting.

Cheers!

Some have meat but cannot eat;
Some could eat but have no meat;
We have meat and can all eat;
Blest, therefore, be God for our meat.
- Dr. Plume, The Selkirk Grace, in his manuscripts in a handwriting from about 1650

Here's to me and here's to you,
And if in the world
There was just us two
And I could promise that nobody knew
Would you?

Here's a bottle and an honest man!
What wad ye wish for mair, man?
Wha kens, before his life may end,
What his share may be o' care, man?

Then catch the moments as they fly,
And use them as ye ought, man.
Believe me happiness is shy,
And comes not aye when sought, man!
- Robert Burns.

May the best you've ever seen
Be the worst you'll ever see;
May a moose ne'er leave yer girnal
Wi' a teardrop in his e'e.
May ye aye keep hale and hearty
Till ye're auld enough tae dee,
May ye aye be just as happy
As I wish ye aye tae be.

(girnal - meal chest; moose - mouse)
- Allan Ramsay of Ayr.

Here's to you, as good as you are,
And here's to me, as bad as I am;
But as good as you are, and as bad as I am,
I am as good as your are, as bad as I am.
Old Scottish Toast

With thanks to www.visitdunkeld.com

So let's hear it!

What Scottish toasts do you have for Scrambled Toast?

English Soccer Fight Songs

2009-01-05T10:33:00.002-06:00

About a year and a half ago I converted to being a soccer fan (Go Chelsea!). In addition to the game itself, one of the most enduring qualities of a soccer game (especially in the English Premiere League) is the fact that instead of a cacophony of cheers, the fans have organized songs to cheer on and support their team.

Now, even with HD I can't make out word one but oh, how it sounds to have thousands of people singing at full volume. I've researched some of the songs used by a few of the teams and most of them are a hoot, to say the least!

Here are some of the lyrics!

Roll out the Arsenal
Roll out the Arsenal
Lets have a barrel of fun
Roll out the Arsenal
We've got them all on the run
Just one more goal now
Then how we all will cheer 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7
The Gang's all here

You are my Arsenal
You are my Arsenal,
My only Arsenal,
You make me happy,
When skies are grey,
You'll never know just,
How much I love you,
So please don't take,
My Arsenal... Away
Na na na na na (ooh)
Na na na na na (ooh ooh)
Na na na na na...

Jingle bells, jingle bells,
Jingle all the way;
Santa is an Arsenal fan
And at Highbury today - oh!
Jingle bells, jingle bells,
Jingle all the way;
Oh what fun it is to see
The Arsenal win away

Don't cry for me Aston Villa,
The truth is no one likes you,
All through your crap days,
Of your sad existence,
We stayed away,
We kept our distance.
(anti-Villa)

Stamford Bridge is falling down!
Falling down! Falling down!
Stamford Bridge is falling down,
Poor old Chelsea!
(anti-Chelsea)

You're French and you know you are!
You're French and you know you are!
You're French and you know you are!
(sung to fans of Bruges and Anderlecht, by a number of English clubs)

Oggy-oggy-oggy, oi! oi! oi!
Oggy-oggy-oggy, oi! oi! oi!
Oggy! Oi! Oggy! Oi!
Oggy-oggy-oggy, oi! oi! oi!
Zigger-zagger, zigger-zagger
Shut your mouth!
(favorite at Chelsea and West Ham)

St. Pauli - Wir waschen uns nie!
St. Pauli - We never wash ourselves!

I can't help but wonder what the Super Bowl would be like if
we Americans had such traditions.

Words for Nerds - Valetudinarian Explained

2008-12-22T06:11:00.000-06:00

Last time we asked for the definition of valetudinarian, a word that doesn't crop up frequently in casual conversation, at least at our house.

The correct definition of valetudinarian is ... a sickly or weak person - especially one who is constantly and morbidly concerned with his or her health.

A valetudinarian is in much worse shape than a mere hypochondriac. A hypochondriac might be more or less healthy, and his or her preoccupation with health may be constant, but not necessarily morbid.

I like the word because so many times, hypochondriac isn't strong enough to properly describe the person in question. The problem is, if you use valetudinarian to describe him or her, nobody will know what you're talking about.

This is why I recommend you print this post and keep it on hand. When you spring the word on your unsuspecting listeners, you can just pass it around so they catch your drift.

At Scrambled Toast, we're always trying to help.

Words for Nerds - Valetudinarian

2008-12-19T08:07:00.004-06:00

Image by quinn.anya via FlickrDo you know what valetudinarian means? If so, you're too smart to be reading this blog. For everyone else, please take a guess -

A. Extremely old, outdated
B. A sickly or weak person
C. The person in a graduating class with the highest grade point average
D. Native to or from a warm climate
E. Smitten, deeply in love

The correct answer will appear soon. In the meantime, let us know what you think and feel free to cheat by looking up the answer online.

Speed Link to Really Funny Post by Meryl K. Evans

2008-12-17T11:46:00.002-06:00

Meryl wrote a post just now that really tickled my funny bone, so I'm passing it along in order to "tickle it forward."

Here's the post, Speech to Text Software: Attempt Number One

Don't be fooled by the unfunny headline.

When the Conversation Turns Ugly

2008-12-17T06:00:00.000-06:00

Had an interesting conversation with two fellow office workers (both women) the other day. All was going fine until things took a, well, ugly turn. What follows is a partial transcript of the conversation...

Person #1: There was a recent study where men and women were put in a controlled environment and given up to seven tasks to do simultaneously. Women, they found, were far better at multi-tasking then men.

NOTE: Personally, I’ve found this to be true as well. Mrs. MZM is ‘waaay better at accomplishing multiple things at once than I am. I prefer to do things in a more linear fashion. (And just for the record, ‘linear’ does not mean ‘lying down’.)

Person #2: Well, that’s no news. I’ve always been pretty good at handling lots of stuff.

Person #1: I think I might have a problem with seven, though.

Me: Sounds true to me; I’ve always told (Mrs. MZM) she would make a great project manager – multitasking pretty much describes the job.

Person #1 & #2: You’re probably right there!

Person #1: Also, in this same study, they put headphones on the men and women and played two different sets of instructions at the same time; one set in one ear, and one in the other. It turned out men were far better than women at blocking out one set and following the other.

Me: That’s true; men are much better at blocking out extraneous stuff and concentrating on one thing at a time.

Person #1 & #2: (nodding enthusiastically) You got that right! Selective hearing, for sure.

NOTE: Right about now I probably should have noticed the subtle warning signs. Alas, instead I blithely continued on...

Me: (protesting) Hey, it’s how our minds are built!

Person #2: Yeah, the problem is in getting your attention.

Me: (trying to lighten the mood a bit) Well, I suppose we could issue our wives Nerf guns...

NOTE: And here’s where the conversation took a decidedly bad turn –

Person #1: (laughing) A Nerf gun? Hey, you should just be glad it’s not a cattle prod!

Person #1 & #2: (both laughing uproariously)

NOTE: At this point I decided the most prudent course of action was to beat a strategic retreat...

Ten things you should never say if

2008-12-15T20:06:00.005-06:00

If you find yourself in a teenage slasher movie:

"I'll be right back" - 'Cause you won't. Ever. You are the next entree in the multi-course meal.
"What are you guys scared of? It's not real" - Oh, yes it is. And in the next scene you're gonna find out.
"Oh, come on - It'll be fun!" - Mmm. Sure, if your idea of fun includes some dude in a hockey mask...
"Gimmee the bat. I'll take care of this" - Congrats. You've just decided to take a knife to a gun fight.
"The beer's down in the cellar. Let me get it" - Heck I get scared going down to the cellar even when I'm NOT in a teenage slasher flick.
In response to, "Did you hear that?" "It was nothin'. Let's go have a look." Pretty much defies any extra explanation.
"It's ok. I've got a gun" - Sure you do. But it is unloaded or it's gonna jam.
"You guys go ahead. I gotta tie my shoe." Hey, the mortician ain't gonna care if you're shoe is untied.
"Where's the light switch? I can't see a darned thing." Trust me. You don't want to see a darned thing.
In response to a knock on the door: "I wonder who that could be?" For cryin' out loud. Don't answer the door. Ever.

Ok, I dare ya to top those! I double dare ya!

Hey, thanks for droppin' in. I'll be right back....

Small Thoughts at Large

2008-12-10T04:45:00.004-06:00

Image by Getty Images via Daylife

Our governor, Rod Blagojevich, was arrested on federal charges yesterday. It's about time. His haircut is criminal.

Three Illinois governors have served time in the slammer since the 1970's - Otto Kerner, Dan Walker, and George Ryan. Does that make us the most corrupt state, or just the one with the best prosecutors?

Proposition: Public figures convicted of high crimes should be hanged in the public square. Which of these better represents your reaction to this?

A. Good idea, but we'd run out of rope.
B. Bad idea. We need to take stronger action.

On a separate note, I've been thinking of starting a political party based on the idea that singing "Happy Birthday" in restaurants should be outlawed. Are you with me?

New Contest: "It's a Sign!"

2008-12-09T06:00:00.004-06:00

Howdy, y’all! Wow, after the absolutely ~~over~~underwhelming success of our last contest (Name That Thing!), I think it’s time for another one, don’t you think? (sound of one hand clapping)

Hey, I knew you'd see it my way!

Anyhoo, I was walking down the sidewalk the other day (or was I walking ‘up’ the sidewalk? Here in flat ol’ Houston, Texas, I can never tell...) when I noticed the sign you see here.

Now, I realize the trend over the last few decades has been to make road signs such as these as ~~comprehendible~~ ~~compromisable~~ ~~complicappable~~ widely understood, and by as large a segment of the population, as possible. I get that.

But still; sometimes I think we’re goin’ a bit too far towards simplifying these things, y’know?
The problem, as I see it (which of course may explain everything), is we’re gettin’ to the point where what’s left is ‘waaaay too open to interpretation, if you know what I mean. And I know I’m not alone in this. (At least, I hope not!)

Take this sign.

Yes, I’m sure we all realize the intended meaning is “Pedestrian Crossing Ahead”, right? (I know it can’t possibly mean, “Stop for People in Crosswalk”, because nobody actually, y’know, does. But I digress.) However, in my humble opinion, it could also be imbued (which is a fancy way of sayin' stuffed with) with lots of other meanings as well.

For instance, when I see it I immediately think, “Man With Painful Backache Ahead”. (Hey, don't run; I’ve got more...)

So What Do You See?

So just for the fun of it, what would YOU suggest as a new, improved meaning for this sign?

Remember, folks, this is a contest, so that means you’ll have a chance to win one of three valuable prizes!

First Prize: Monogrammed belly-button lint bag

Second Prize: Used apple core, gnawed by Mr. Middle Zone himself (er; that's me)

Third Prize: Photo of my Elvis clock

(Well, actually, we had these prizes left over from our last contest – again, that’s: Name That Thing! – mainly because the ~~hapless victims~~ ~~innocent bystanders~~ lucky winners kept, er, returning ‘em! Go figure.)

Anyway, just leave your suggestions ~~in the trash can out back~~ the comment box! Once we collect enough of 'em (that's code for more than 2), Brad, George and yours truly will get together and randomly choose a ~~victim~~ winner!

So keep those, er, card and/or letter comin', folks!
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Fess Up. Most Embarrassing Work Moment

2008-12-08T12:31:00.003-06:00

In a former life I worked as a Security Guard/Paramedic on the Trans-Alaska Pipeline. When I wasn't busy savin' lives and cheatin' death I spent my hours in the security shack at the entrance to the pump stations or at construction sites along the pipeline.

Even during this pre-911 era, the rules and procedures were pretty strict. Whenever I walked out of the guard shack to check IDs I had to wear a hard hat. I also took a clipboard to write down the ID info for anyone entering or leaving the facility.

So I was working the construction site at Atigun Pass, the primary entrance to the Brooks Range. It had been a particularly busy day, lot's of trucks in and out of the camp.

I had my little routine: I would see a vehicle approaching, I'd grab the clipboard and put on my hard hat then head out the door.

Towards the end of the shift, a truck started down the driveway. I stood up, grabbed my hard hat, and hit myself on the head with my clipboard.

It's ok, don't worry about me none. The doc said the damage was most likely temporary...

What's YOUR story?

Words for Nerds - Autarky Explained

2008-12-08T08:25:00.000-06:00

Image via WikipediaLast time we asked, what in the sam hill does autarky mean? For those of you who knew, guessed, or cheated that the correct definition is self sufficiency, not controlled or influenced by others - kudos!

Autarchy, an alternate spelling, is used to describe a nation characterized by independence and economic self sufficiency. When spelled autarky, the word can mean the same thing, or a person characterized by self sufficiency in a broader sense.

Questions.

1. Is autarky, as a personal trait, a good thing or a bad thing to aspire to? Are human beings islands in a vast archipelago of substance and consciousness, each of us isolated and firmly fixed in an ocean of nothingness? Our response to these questions has enormous material, spiritual, and metaphysical implications, so what do you say we skip them and move to the next question.

2. Why in the sam hill would anyone use a word like autarky in the first place?

Words for Nerds - Autarky

2008-12-05T06:14:00.000-06:00

Image by Getty Images via DaylifeToday's Word for Nerd is autarky. What in the world does it mean?

A. The act of eating an entire turkey by oneself
B. A nation governed by the wealthy
C. Self sufficiency, not controlled or influenced by others
D. Extreme poverty
E. A type of logical fallacy

The answer will be posted next week. In the meantime, you have three ways to respond to the Word Nerd quiz -

1. Know the answer
2. Guess
3. Cheat

As always, all three options are acceptable and we even recommend combining them!

Name That Thing!

2008-12-04T06:00:00.002-06:00

Howdy, y’all!

It’s time now for, as Monty Python was wont to say, something completely different! (Which is rather appropriate, considering Scrambled Toast is completely dedicated to stuff that’s different.)

Hopefully all of our, um, reader out there remembers my recent post Yes, But Is It Art? featuring this, well, I’ll call it a sculpture, for want of a better term. (And if you missed it, I’d like to see a copy of your doctor’s excuse.)

Oddly enough, this thing has no identifying name plate anywhere! Somehow, that seems like a tragic state of affairs, don’t you? So I says to myself, “Self, why not invite the folks to contribute one!”

Announcing the Great “Name That Thing” Project

That’s right, it’s time to play everyone’s favorite game, “Name That Thing”!

So why not help us out? Just to kick things off, I’ll tell you my particular favorite candidate: “Oreos on Fire”

C’mon; take your best shot, y’all! The more bizarre crazy insane imaginative, the better! All you have to do is submit your ideas right here at Scrambled Toast.

Don’t worry; we’ll leave the light on for ya.
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Image: Yes, but is it Art? by Robert Hruzek
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Yes, But is it Art?

2008-12-02T06:00:00.000-06:00

There’s this circular flower bed in the parking lot right in front of my office building that used to have three flagpoles in it. Not too long ago, they completely rebuilt the spot, removing plants, poles, and everything.

Within a couple of days, the whole area became a plateau of concrete. Then, a few days later, this... thing appeared.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit I don’t know all that much about art. I mean, Mrs. MZM, now she’s quite the accomplished artist (in oils and acrylics, mainly). But as for me, well, I’m afraid I couldn’t draw my way out of a paper bag.

But still... I’m always puzzled by what other people call, y’know, art.

Take this little jewel, for instance. I mean, ya gotta wonder; just exactly what the heck the artist was thinking when he created this thing? Or maybe it was it a lucky accident? (It’s easy to get a bit cynical about this stuff, isn’t it?) Did a pile of steel fall out of a passing truck and sorta landed in this configuration, or was it deliberately built, piece by piece?

C’mon, admit it. When you see stuff like this, isn’t it true that 99 out of 100 times you find yourself thinkin’ the question, too: Yes, but is it ‘art’?
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Image: Yes, but is it Art? by Robert Hruzek
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Hamming it up on Thanksgiving

2008-11-29T10:06:00.004-06:00

Tradition at the Angus household at Thanksgiving has always revolved around one meat source - turkey. Not prime rib or lamb chops or ham. Never had much desire for an "Atkins" Thanksgiving. I need plenty of carbs in case I get goaded into a Thursday afternoon triathlon.

This year we volunteered to bring a ham to the festivities over at Jim and Natha's house. Not a big deal, really. I've cooked a ham or two in my day. It's easy. Put the ham loaf in a roasting pan, cover it in pineapple slices and cherries held in place with toothpicks and pop that porcupine lookin' thing into the oven.

The girlfriend expresses her desire to get a bone-in ham. Hmmm, a bit of a challenge but no big deal. She has an idea based on something she saw on the Food Network. Uh-oh. Little red flags popping up on the horizon. Something about the slathering of mustard and packing of brown sugar. I figure I'll be occupied making the beans or rolls so I'm like, "Sure, Honey. That sounds great."

Thursday morning rolls around and all of a sudden I'm recruited to "do the ham". Ok. I'm nothing if not flexible, right? So I take the ham out of the fridge and remove the plastic wrapping. Into the pan it goes and then I'm off to Google "mustard/brown sugar ham".

Google comes through as always and I head back up to the kitchen armed with the recipe. Very easy stuff. Liberally rub mustard all over the offending hunk of meat, then starting from the bottom pack a layer of brown sugar over the entire ham. Cook for three hours and baste every 20 minutes.

Oh, this is going to be easy.

Actually, it was. Slathered that puppy up with Dijon and packed the brown sugar around it, popped it in the oven.

Fast forward about three hours. We are late for Thanksgiving, and in addition to the ham, we're bringing some of the appetizers. OK, Cory will stay behind and finish her makeup and the ham, I'll head over with the crab dip. Everything is going to be ok.

I'm driving over to Jim's house when the cell rings with the distinctive ring tone I have set up for calls from the house: a recording of a woman screaming, "I TOLD YOU TO TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE!!". But that's a story for some other time.

I pick up and Cory says, "You are not going to believe this!" "Try me." I say, all smug in my ham-awesomeness.

Since this is a "G" rated site, I'll save the paragraph of NC-17 verbage that assaulted my delicate ears.

It's not really my fault, I don't think. I took off the plastic wrapper. How was I to know the ham was wrapped in TWO of them? I mean, I'm only human!

So there's good news and bad news here. I guess when a ham cooks in a hermetically sealed plastic wrapper it makes for a succulent and juicy hunk o' pork. The bad news is we also ended up with a perfectly seasoned, mustard rubbed hunk of plastic.

Anyway, that's how we ended up with all kinds of meat at Thanksgiving this year. There was turkey, prime rib, ham and I took a lot of ribbing and was the butt of a lot of jokes.

Next year I'm going to McDonalds.

The Fiction Writer's Character Warehouse

2008-11-28T08:47:00.000-06:00

Image via WikipediaWriting fiction is hard. I've tried writing novels a few times but never got past selecting the font.

Considering how hard font selection is, coming up with characters must be really brutal. Therefore, I've decided to help out by creating a "character warehouse" here on Scrambled Toast.

My vision - a Character Warehouse where fiction writers can come to find characters whenever their muse is frolicking in Olympus or waiting in line at the Department of Motor Vehicles.

Here are a few fictional characters to start the ball rolling. Please feel free to add to this list in comments!

Notorious bigamist Phil Anders
Mogul catalog merchant Lance End
Automaker Benny FitzGowan
Olympic fencing champion Jane Link
Twin brother economists Mike Roe and Mack Roe
Over-delegating manager Hans Offman
Famed soprano Carrie A. Toon
Aging news anchor Beau Tocks
Gag gift manufacturer Bob L. Head
Booze hound golf pro Chip Wilde
Tow truck driver Carl Stahl
Elderly recluse millionaire Miss Ann Thrope
Teetotaler Bruno Beer
Mortgage banker Y. Knott Bale
Madonna stunt double Mona Lott
Scheming wholesaler Mark Uppman
Podiatrist Toby Akin
Protein diet pioneer Moe Hammenburger

For all you fiction writers out there, if you ever need any of these characters, please help yourselves.

You know, one wonders what Hemingway or Faulkner might have accomplished with access to a resource such as this.