The Perks of Being Single

Losing your single status.

2014-01-28T23:11:00.000-05:00

Believe it or not, I am currently no longer single. I've said goodbye to the perks of being single and said hello to perks of another person. But I'm not going to list all of those and make everyone barf, because this isn't about that. I'm also not going to go on all nostalgic like about my single days; I would rather not drive the new fella away so quickly. Hopefully that won't happen, considering all of the lessons I've learned through the trials and tribulations of being a twenty-something.

The lesson that encompasses all of the rest: my parents were right. They kept saying "You can't really be comfortable with someone else unless you are comfortable with yourself." Truth. Embracing my awkwardness, values, and idiosyncrasies and has been the best thing I could do for any relationship, including my relationship with myself. So single sisters (and brothers) know yourself. Love yourself. And forget about the people that drag you down. Then, regardless if romances last at least your self esteem will.

In the Beginning....

2013-10-15T10:24:00.003-04:00

Genesis 1:1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

Girls 1:1 In the beginning girls created worry and rumination.

1:2 On the second day we created denial, and pretending we don't care what guys think.

1: 3 On the third day we created the need to ask a bunch of questions.

1: 4 On the fourth day we created our friends so that we could ask someone else a bunch of questions about our relationship.

1: 5 On the fifth day, our girlfriends told us to STFU. And CTFD. (calm the expletive down)

1:6 On the sixth day we dropped a lot of subtle hints that we want to know how you feel, and then got mad at you because you couldn't read our mind. 7: This resulted in an argument that lasted way longer than it should have. Meaning it happened at all. 8: Being direct could prevent many of these instances.

1:9 On the seventh day we rested. And then woke up and asked you what our dreams meant.

This is only a slight exaggeration of my train of thought some days. My need not to mess anything up and figure out life TODAY, sometimes over takes my brain. Am I talking too much? Am I talking too little? (considering 99% of the time I date introverts, it's never too little) Will he judge my taste in music? (If I start with Vampire Weekend, 75% yes. If I admit my love of the new Ke$ha song, 100% guarantee) Will he support my need to talk about things? (Required) Can I save somethings for tomorrow? (Working on it) How will he handle my obsessions with Harry Potter, Avett, UNC, and the mountains? (it's a package deal)

The nice thing about the beginning is, it's only the beginning. And just as there was time for Dinosaurs, Pangea, and the Ice Age, there is plenty of time in relationships too. There will always be time for questions and finding answers. And there is nothing like having someone to rest with (and putting the worrying to rest) today.

Fancymen: An Ode to Cece and Mindy Kaling.

2013-08-26T16:26:00.002-04:00

For some time now, I've been thinking that I'm ready for a serious relationship. If I found the "right" person, I would be willing to be vulnerable, compromise, communicate, etc. Recently, as happens sometimes in this department, I was proven wrong. Turns out, I'm a lot of talk and no action. Except if the action is running away.

What had happened was, I read Mindy Kaling's book Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (and other concerns). She has a chapter on her own experiences with dating and how to tell the difference between the men and the boys. In short, men have briefcases and schedules, planners and healthcare, furniture that isn't from a dorm and pay a mortgage, not rent. Boys can fit all of their belongings in duffel bags, spend all their money on music festivals, stay up late on weeknights at diners, and are impulsive. And for the longest time, Mindy said she was terrified of men. They are committed, even when they were single. Their lives are stable and consistent, and involve acting intentionally. Whilst reading her description of men, I realized that despite my belief that I want a more serious relationship, so am I.

I still have the notion that being an adult is zero fun. Briefcases and schedules sound so boring, even though I wouldn't get anything done with out my planner. I don't know what to do with a man with a plan, pet, and no need to go find them-self on the AT.

Why? As Cece says back to Jess, "Maybe [he] intimidates you because you wouldn't have to take care of him because he would take care of you and that just terrifies you."

Accurate. Who wants to be with someone who has it all together when they are still figuring out was "business casual" means? Answer: no one.

Then again, I think there is a middle ground that Mindy missed. I know men who still maintain spontaneity, and I know boys with briefcases. Whether you're male, female, 18, 23, or 35, single, cohabitating, or married, it's all about your mindset. Are you still looking for opportunities to "find yourself" or have you accepted that no matter how old we get, life is about finding out new things? There isn't an end point where you stop growing and stop changing. As much as I would like to think that things get easier as an adult, the more I know, the more I realize I don't know. Men and women, stay in one place long enough to learn about themselves and build relationships that can support them in the process. Boys and girls often think that they can do all of the exploring and maturation on their own. So maybe I'm not ready to live in the same house for 20 years, but I no longer have the illusion that backpacking across Europe/California/the Appalachian mountains will answer all my questions about life. Some questions can only be answered when we stay in one place long enough to get to know someone without the fear of party moving just because "this is the time to do it." Maybe it's time to stop running.

Definition: Date (noun)

2013-08-11T22:09:00.002-04:00

Merriam-Webster online has many definitions for the word date. This however, is the one I wish to discuss at great length:

an appointment to meet at a specified time; especially : a social engagement between two persons that often has a romantic character

Since about age 14, I have been confused what a date was. In middle school I still thought it meant when a boy picked you up at your house, met your parents, and then took you somewhere in public. He usually paid. As soon as I got to high school and people started "talking" and "dating" I began to question my preconceived notions. Couples would say they were dating even though they never hung out one on one, and he never paid for dinner. And I would hang out with guy friends one on one at great length and we were definitely not dating. What was a date? How do you know when it is a date? Unfortunately as time has passed I still have absolutely no idea. Unless someone says, "This is a date" I can not be 100% sure of it. Here are just a few examples why.

Scenario 1: Go to movie with good friend, you each pay for your own ticket, but you kiss during the movie.

Ruling: Not a Date. (He insists you are "just friends.")

Scenario 2: Go to lunch with guy, he pays.

Ruling: Not a Date. (He's super southern and chivalrous).

Scenario 3: Consisting spend lots of one-on-one time with guy talking about family, past relationships, feelings, how much you appreciate the other person, etc.

Ruling: Not a Date. (He likes your friend/not over ex/can't talk to his bros/needs a counselor)

Scenario 4: Go out, dance, kiss.

Ruling: Sometimes a Date.

I also had a friend tell me it's a date when you think it is. My response was that if that is true, I have gone on a lot of dates without the other person knowing.

This is why I don't trust the label. He may flirt with you, want to spend time with you, and kiss you but it's not a date unless he says it is or you are meeting from Okcupid.

I went on a date once (maybe more without knowing it). He bought me dinner, brought me flowers, and said nice things. I was 100% sure when he said: "If this isn't a date, what is it?"

Ruling: Date.

In these situations, I believe words speak louder than actions. Which is why I make sure my words are always loud and clear. (foot in mouth)

Underrated Characters.

2013-07-30T22:01:00.002-04:00

I recently watched 500 days of summer. again. I had had a roller coaster of a week and I needed to recommit the film to memory. I was feeling particularly Tom-ish at the time, and thought that I would resonate with his heartbreak due to my current circumstances. Wrong. I wasn't Team Tom, but I wasn't Team Summer either. I was Team Truth Teller.

Remember when Tom tries to go on a date and then tells her nothing's going to happen? He's an idiot. She is definitely the best character in the whole movie. Other than Tom's sister, she's the only one in the movie who calls Bull Shit.

In case you don't remember her geunius insight and wisdom, here is a refresher:

Tom is saying Summer is a Robot or an Evil person.

Girl: Did she ever cheat on you?

Tom: No.

Girl: Did she ever take advantage of you in any way?

Tom: Umm no.

Girl: And she told you up front that she didn't want a boyfriend?

Tom pauses, then changes subject.

Most of us have these people in our lives. Sometimes it's a sassy red head stating the obvious
(a role I tend to play even when my friends don't want me to), sometimes it's a sassy gay friend questioning your life choices, while other times it's just a patient friend reminding you of all of the people in your life that won't underrate you. I know there are things my friends have been able to see all along, while I was blinded by false hope. And I've been there for my friends when the rose colored glasses have finally come off. Thank these people in you life. Whether it's a long time friend or just someone passing through, these people challenge us to be real, and to actually spend time in good relationships rather than letting the destructive ones drag on. It often just takes us a while to realize they aren't just being assholes when we are upset and that their honesty comes from compassion even if it is fueled by frustration. So if you miss your chance to thank them, and you realize later that they were right, thank the universe for their existence.

Thanks universe for my friends.

When I Grow Up.

2013-06-18T20:02:00.001-04:00

I have never understand the concept of "growing-up." When I was little I was told I would be a woman someday. I freaked. What's a woman? My emotionally charged answer was "I don't want to be a woman, I want to be Hannah!" The idea of being something other than I already was did not sit well. A grown-up sounded like a stranger, and I was taught to be afraid of them. The notion of growing up still confuses me. What is a grown-up? What makes you a grown-up? Being married? Not in this century. Having kids? Heck no. Being financially independent? Ehhhh. What if you stay on the family plan? What if you can't find a job? What if you want to support yourself and just travel? Can you be a grown up without a nine to five? I think I'm not alone in saying, I have no idea what makes a grown-up. The only sure thing that dictates adulthood is the law, and according to that after 18 you are supposed to have it all together.

Still there are a lot of people out there who are wiser than me that I admire. I would say I want to be like them when I grow-up, but I think growing up is a process. Here are some people I want to be like today.

1. Tina Fey: Duh.
2. Stewart/Colbert: They are the only way I can look at what's going on in the world without crying.
3. Martin Luther King Jr: I've got lots of dreams.
4. Winston Churchill: He was a boss. He lived in barracks chain smoking and drinking all day and still lived to be in his eighties. That and surviving WWII.
5. Ellen DeGeneres: Clearly I like comedians. And who doesn't want to be one that goes against the grain?
6. J.K. Rowling: Perseverance is key. And writing is a great way to get through tough times.
7. Ryan Gosling: Be him? Okay I meant marry him.
8. My friends: If I didn't want to be like my friends, I would say I need some new ones.
9. My parents: That may sound cliche, but I know a lot of people who don't want to be anything like their parents. Keeping your kid's respect isn't guaranteed.
10. My friend Dylan, age 15. What? Who would want to be like a teenager? If you ever start to lose faith in humanity, talk to a kid who has lived with cancer. If he can have faith, I can too.

The Perks of Being a Wallweed.

2013-06-13T20:37:00.000-04:00

Some people would be described as wallflowers. They are quiet, mysterious, and attractive in a awkward yet intelligent way. I am not one of those people. Quiet is the furthest from the truth. Any attempt at mystery is given away because I'm honest to the point of bluntness. And although I am intelligent, my awkwardness definitely trumps that in most social settings. Needless to say I tend to stand out and not because I'm super suave. If it's not my voice carrying across a room, it's my pink skinny jeans or my red hair. Despite how much I may seem to stand out in a crowd, I still often feel like a wallflower. Sometimes I feel overlooked or brushed to the side. And unlike wallflowers, who inspire awe when discovered, I stay left with the other wallweeds who rarely get much more than acknowledgement they exist. We wallweeds live in the same soil as the cool kids, just dressed in our own petals.

The thing is, one person's weed is another person's flower. Some walk by dandelions without slowing down. Some pick them and cast them aside. Some try to crush their roots to make room for more socially acceptable flowers. Alas, they keep coming back, insisting on being noticed by matching the bright yellow of the sun. But other people dare to stop. Some of these people are wallflowers, who know uniqueness when they see it; others may be the favored rose who is ready for something else in their bouquet. One weed may recognize the beauty in another, even if they are still in denial of their own. Weeds make the best flowers. If you pick a dandelion at the right time, it might just make your wishes come true.

A Letter to J. Gatsby.

2013-05-19T17:19:00.000-04:00

Old Sport,

what, what, what are you doing? I really love that every time I come into the city you have a great party, don't get me wrong, but I'm starting to worry about you. It's been like 5 years right? Hate to be blunt but I don't think she's coming. Anyway, you are way too good for her. We've been saying this for YEARS. We're all proud of you for pulling yourself by your own boots straps and everything of course. However, you know there is more to life than money and that's all she cares about. Granted it's going to be tough to find someone who isn't attracted to money now that you are high rollin' but you have the best judgement (well except with she-who-must-not-be-named) out of all of us. I know you want to go back to the good ole' days...it's not possible. My metabolism will never go back to the way it was, and some relationships can't go back to the way they were either. Come out to the shore to get your mind off of things. And I would highly recommend selling that house. NYC is a great place to be single, but not if you won't move on from the girl next door. So get away from the city and throw parties for the people that actually appreciate you. And appreciated you before you had money.

Your friend,
Younger sport

The Taylor Swift Bucket List.

2013-04-25T16:29:00.000-04:00

General consensus is T-swift is cray. But I'd put money down that her cray cray self gets into a lot of fun, and she's got a lot of good stories that don't make it to the paper stands. In some ways she's living out every twenty-something's dream: playing in big cities, having lots of romances, singing through life like it's a musical. And unhealthy dating patterns aside, she's got some enticing ideas. So, if you ever are in the mood to create a bucket list, here are Taylor Swift tested ideas to include. See if you approve.

1. Eat breakfast at midnight.
2. Wear T-shirts with no shame.
3. Visit someone in the a.m.
4. Hang out on park benches.
5. Wear a football helmet during an disagreement.
6. Dance in the pouring rain.
7. Write a song for someone.
8. Drive a pick up truck.
9. Crash a wedding.
10. Pull an all nighter that doesn't include the library.
11. Dance in the parking lot.
12. Stay up late on the phone.
13. Always, always call shotgun.
14. Try a new scene.

15. Whatever you do, do it FEARLESS.

Alternate Ending: How I Met Your Mother

2013-04-08T21:18:00.000-04:00

Ted Mosby is officially the longest story teller ever. He was cute, adorable, and a wonderful hopeless romantic. Repeat: he was. Loyal fans know that Ted has hit rock bottom. And fans that quit when he started getting desperate have heard this from others and have no intention of starting to watch again. Dearest Ted, this could have been avoided. And as someone who has personal experience expressing interest in the same person multiple times: things. won't. change.

So real life Teds (myself included), if you are into someone and they want to be friends, don't. Making new friends takes a lot of work. If you are friends pre-confession... I'll plead the fifth.

If I had my way HIMYM would have been one season and gone like this:

Ted: You’re right, there’s no off switch. God I wish there was an off switch.

Robin: me too.

Ted: So....

Robin: we could be friends

Ted: Oh, ouch

Robin: look, I know it sounds insincere when people say that but… we could.

Ted: I don’t know, Robin. I made such a jackass out of myself here, every time we start hanging out it’ll be like, “Oh—that’s right—I’m a jackass.”

Robin: You’re not a jackass. I’m sorry. I only moved here in April and I’m always working and—I just haven’t met a lot of good people so far. But I understand.

Ted: Well—uh—maybe in a few months after it’s not so fresh, we could all—uh…you know, get a beer.

Robin: yeah. That sounds good. I’ll see you, Ted.

Two months later Ted meets the future Mrs. Mosby because he isn't hung up on something that will never work. Robin meets Barney about six months later when she by chance goes to MacLaren's with some co-workers. After an STD check, Robin agrees to date him and they live happily ever after.

And all of their lives were Legen---wait only a few episodes later----dary.

Alternate Ending: 500 Days of Summer

2013-03-25T12:36:00.001-04:00

This movie is great. It always causes a lot of internal turmoil for me when I watch it. Team Tom or Team Summer? If I'm honest, I can relate to both. I've dated Tom and pined over Summer. I was Summer "forgetting" to listen to that mix tape he made, I was Tom declaring that this is not how to treat your friends. Tom, oh Tom, why did you stick around? Everyone else saw it coming. I know love is blind, but 1) you're in LA, 2)she's not that hot, and 3) you are. I hear the critics: "It's hard. If you were in that situation, you would have done the same thing." Oh really? No I haven't had 500 Days of Summer, but I did have 80 Days of When-it-was-convenient-for-him and last time I checked 500 > 80.

So once in a while, I stop the movie short and pretend this is what happened:

"I disagree and that's what I want. I believe it does exist, it's love not Santa Clause. I deserve to be with someone who cares about me as much as I care about them. Sorry, I can't do this anymore." -Tom

"You're right, you do. Bye Tom."

Summer goes to therapy to sort through her fear of commitment.

Tom quits the card gig, and becomes a top architect in LA. He then moves to NYC to open up a firm with Ted Mosby who is also super awesome and not desperate (I told you, this is me pretending.)

End Scene with audience applause because Tom was BA and stood up for himself.

Alternate Ending: New Girl's Nick and Jess

2013-03-19T23:07:00.001-04:00

I love New Girl. It's like Taylor Swift told Zooey Deschanel about my life and that an awkward girl who likes glitter and running away from uncomfortable situations is perfect material for a TV show. Which obviously, it is. My love for this show continues to grow as Jess and Nick continue to live in increased sexual tension. Everyone can relate to that. But come on, let's be real. If this was real life, they would not be passionately kissing and still living together. Here's what really would have happened.

After discovering she was cheated on Jess moves in with Cece. After she gets sicks of living with models and being around girls who wear size 00 and don't eat, Jess starts to look for a roommate. Half-joking half-serious she says to Cece, "Look these guys are looking for a fourth. Maybe I'll just live with them!" Cece gives Jess the don't-be-an-idiot face, which Jess replies to with a sigh and saying "You're right, stranger danger is real." She then finds out that a co-worker at the school has a friend who just moved into town and is looking for a roomie and a new friend. Jess moves in with her and they make cupcakes and watch 80s movies together.

Two weeks later when Jess is still watching Dirty Dancing on repeat, Cece decides to take her out. They pick somewhere totally random and new so Jess has no fear of running into her ex or any of his friends. As soon as they walk in Jess notices that the bartender is super attractive, with the perfect amount of facial air and moodiness. Jess decides it's her job to cheer him up from whatever life problems he has and Cece decides it's her job to get Jess to sleep with him, so she encourages it. Twenty minutes of banter later, Cece leaves. Three hours later, Nick gets off work and takes Jess out for midnight breakfast. Two months later, they're officially dating. Three years later, they are married.

Cece ends up dating the guys new roommate, a former professional basketball player in America that Winston played high school ball with but got injured and can't play anymore so he sold his mansion and moved into the bro house.

Who's that Girl? Either way, the existence of Jess gives us all hope that we can be slightly annoying and still land a hottie.

Letter to Taylor Swift, Cougartown, USA.

2013-03-11T14:07:00.000-04:00

My dearest Tay Tay,

Girl, thank you so much for sending me the new album. I knew you were trouble, PREACH. I guess you remembered me telling you about that one guy.....sorry I didn't listen to you. I know as my bff4l you were just looking out for me, but he was SO cute. Ugh. Next time I'll listen.

Enough about me, how are you? I saw you and Harry broke up, what did he do this time? I said I wouldn't say I told you so, but I speaketh thou thusly. I know you're tired of men in their thirties (think about what they were doing when you were eight) but what are you doing with teeny boppers?! I can see you rolling your eyes right now. I know I like younger guys two, but I keep it to two years younger, max three if they are the president of something or a prince or in a band. We want our men to be able to buy us a drink, not asking us to sneak them a six pack. And NO I am not jealous that you dated someone from 1D and I haen't, I'm not tryna get death threats world wide. Maybe, I am still a little mad at you for never jumping on Zac when you had a chance. Or the fact you never hooked me up! I know you'll make it up to me later, just don't kiss them first. :P

Anyway girl, I'm worried about you. You need a break from all of this crazy dating. We need a girl's week. And don't worry about Tina and Amy, you KNOW they were joking. You know I love you, but you have to write about different things if you want people to stop talking about your love life. They are just jealous of you, betch. Or at least jealous that you dated Jake. Why did that end again? Those are sloppy seconds I'll gladly take. (Just don't write about me please, I have a blog ;) )

Can't wait for your tour, I better be getting tix! Love ya!

XOXO,

Your bestie.

Why Are You Single?

2013-03-04T21:43:00.002-05:00

Being a bachelorette I get asked on the reg why I don't have a boyfriend. When I do volunteer work with teenagers I get it twice as much. Being single in the south, I probably get this question one hundred times more than the average American (except Mormons). My first response is always, "How long do you have?" But because no one really has time for that, here the responses I cycle through. Feel free to borrow, no copyright needed.

1. I don't want a relationship. (No one buys it. Only some days I do.)

2. I'm a control freak.

3. [insert gender depending on your orientation] are really dumb, for real.

4. I'm in college/graduate/life school.

5. I'm still wounded by my ex from highschool/college/summercamp/last week.

6. I'm too busy being awesome.

7. I'm in a primarily female profession, and unfortunately being a lesbian doesn't work for me.

8. I'm opinionated. And ~~always~~ usually right.

9. Friend. Zone. I've been put there, I've put people there. Touchdown.

10. I defy gender stereotypes and want my partner too as well.

11. I like having the freedom to pick up and move anywhere, anytime, even if I don't actually do it.

12. It's the 21st century, not the Victorian era. What crime am I committing by being unattached? Come on people!

13. Ain't nobody got energy for that!

If my life were a movie, I would be played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

2013-02-20T20:01:00.001-05:00

Despite my seemingly cynical attitude, I love romantic comedies. Give me some sap and hope for the future, unless it's so super over the top there's no dose of reality at all (cough cough Nicholas). But when reflecting on my life, I often finding myself relating more to the male characters of these films. Maybe I've watching the wrong movies. May I just don't fit the rom com mold (FACT, no one does). For some reason, in my favorite movies and TV series, I tend to empathize most with the melodramatic male.

How so, you may ask. Well, here's where I find myself between a skirt and a pants place in 500 Days of Summer, The Art of Getting By, Win a Date with Tad Hamilton, and How I Met Your Mother.

I'm Tom dropping not at all obvious hints of interest, thinking people can read my mind.

I'm George in denial, telling people there's nothing happening.

I'm Pete falling for my friend, waiting for the perfect timing to tell.

I'm Ted, hoping that their mind will change if I just keep trying.

So my question is, where are these men in real life? Are these hipster hollywood writers just trying to be ironic? Wet get one message from society that girls are clingy and guys don't have emotions, but then we get another: that there are all these emtional, sensitive, ready to be vulerable guys out there. Maybe I haven't found one because opposites attract but I don't really believe that. I think it's because somethimes in life, it's less scary to be rejected than the fear of falling hard and not getting back up. It's easier to chase after people we know we can never keep up with. It's also really tired and I'm out of breath.

So if you're a Tom, Pete, or George (Ted has just gotten sad, let's be real):

Nice to meet you. I'm Autumn.

I want more than OK, Cupid.

2013-02-14T07:42:00.000-05:00

So here's the thing: I'm not one of those girls looking for a husband on a first date. But i'm also not looking for sex on a first date either.

Since our generation has successfully killed the concept of casual dating, you see my dilemma.

Being a woman of the 21st century, I thought I could single handedly revive our dating culture. WRONG. Every time I ask a guy out, it's like I'm asking him to commit right then and there. Did I ask you to be my boyfriend/husband/evenforaseconddate? I missed that, take your ego down a notch.

On the other hand, I don't really want to waste time either. If I know (or when I know) that we would never ever get together (sung in T Swift voice), I won't string you along. It's not fair to you or me or my friends who put up with me talking about it. That being said, I know it can take a while to figure all of that out. Which is why I wish dating didn't feel like a race down the aisle in which I missed the gun shot.

Searching for a soul mate feels like looking for a needle in a haystack. It's tedious and takes a lot of work and even more patience. And when I do find one I just end up getting pricked. I put a band-aid on the wound but it leaves scars that are still visible as I start to look for a new one. Some scars become calloused and rough, making me less sensitive to getting hurt again, other wounds are so fresh that they reopen even at the slightest touch.

Needless to say, I'm done with haystacks.

Now I feel like I'm looking for a diamond in the rough. Not one that knows it's shiny and bright and is boastful with it's shine. I want one whose flaws I can see, and whose imperfections make it brilliant and unique. Others may have buried the diamond deep in the sand, or not noticed how it reflects the sun. I will, and when I hold it in my hand I will forget the scars are even there; all I will see is my reflection in the face of something beautiful.

Everyone deserves more than just ok. I don't want to be ok for someone or have someone just be ok for me. So this Valentine's Day, I'm not settling for just ok. I'm spending it with my way more than ok friends instead.

Post-Text Stress Disorder.

2013-02-04T09:37:00.000-05:00

Message sending.....

                                                      Sent.

                                                                                          Panic.

Flashbacks to times of responses like "k" or worse, no response at all.

Check phone to re-read what I wrote.

Self talk: It's fine, it's fine. And if he freaks out that's his problem anyway.

2 hours later....

Check phone for response.

Go down the hall to find room mate.

"Does this makes sense? Was this too much? Sorry, I'm just over thinking it?"

"Umm let me see. Yeah that looks normal. He hasn't responded?"

"No..."

"That doesn't mean anything! He is probably (insert thousands of excuses why someone doesn't responded to texts, including having a life.)"

"Okay, cool. I feel better."

Nervously check phone every couple hours until...

A. Give up and delete it so I can pretend it never happened.
B. Receive response and
           1. Intentionally wait 30 minutes to respond.
           2. Respond and brace self for another PTSD episode.

Post-Text Stress Disorder will be experienced by 90% of individuals during the course of their lifetime and 100% of people under the age of 30. Average age of onset is 15, but can occur as early as whenever a child gets a phone. Best chances of recovery with early diagnosis. To prevent PTSD, learn how to communicate face to face. Anxiety from in person communication can be easily treated with flooding and systematic desensitization.

If you think someone is suffering from PTSD, send them a text and see if they panic. Or take away their phone. Withdrawal symptoms includes begging, crying, and acting like a moody teenager.

Boy(girl)friend Substitutes.

2013-01-31T23:05:00.000-05:00

I've always had a lot of close guy friends. I also have rarely been dating someone. Coincidence? I don't think so. See, when you're single, you find lots of ways to fill the emotional voids that would be filled by a significant other. Usually this comes in the form of besties.

And even in a purely platonic relationship, things get DRAMATIC. Any guy who is close with a girl knows this. We fight over our guy friends like we would boyfriends, even when we have no attraction to them whatsoever. Whatever jealousy we would spend on a boyfriend, gets unleashed about a friend we would never actually date. Back in the day of Myspace, I remember quite a few biting words about girls that made it to my bffl's top ten, replacing me. Rude. I've known him for a whole 5 minutes longer. Girl, please. This pattern followed me to college. One year my bff got another redheaded friend. Um excuse me? I was here first! And you're a freshmen. Gross. Lucky for me, that relationship didn't work out. And no, suspicious audience, I did not sabotage it. She did that to herself. Now she's fondly known as the-redhead-who-must-not-be-named.

And don't think for a second that guys don't do the same thing. They care who their female friends like the most. That's why one of my friends moped when I was clearly telling my other friends more secrets than him. Or when two of my guy friends would always remind me that they knew they were my favorite. Who is? It's been 5 years, and I'll never tell. I have take that one to the grave, or risk watching an ugly skinny white guy fight.

People want someone to care about and someone to care about them, and sometimes even more so when they are unattached. If we can't hold on to a friend, how will we be able to hold on to a romance? So when we feel a relationship threatened we shoot nasty bitch stares or puff up our chests to claim our territory. It's okay to make our friends choose, even though we would be pissed if they were to put us through the same agony. And don't even get me started when one party actually find a romantic relationship. That just ups the alpha in all of us.

I see you girl. And I'll take you down for platonic friend (insert name here). Unless I get a boyfriend, then I'll be too busy worrying about him to care anymore.

Things I don't have to care about.

2013-01-27T18:45:00.001-05:00

Relationships are all about compromise. Being single, on the other hand, is all about being selfish. Just kidding, I still have to compromise to keep my friends around. Or pick ones that always agree with me. And I think the single ones would concur, sometimes it's nice to just do our own thing. We can save our energy for what we want to do, and enjoy the fact that now we can just do it. So just to ensure I have enough energy saved up for my future significant other, here are a few things I'm not going to worry until I have to.

Someone else's profession. What I have quickly realized as an adult, is that some people's jobs bore me. I totally recognize my interests probably bore other's too. Everyone has friends that they envy, and want to hear about their work. Everyone also has friends that they never ask about work because they would rather hear nails on a chalkboard than about this person's career. I hope that I find my significant other's profession as exciting as he does, but even if I do, I'm sure there will be some days I will have to fake my enthusiasm. But for now, I'm enjoying not having to fake anything.

Being a bandwagon sports fan. If I'm honest, I really only care about one team in one sport. If it's not college basketball, I'm not paying attention. This attitude could be potentially helpful to a future significant other. Sure, I'll cheer for your team. And no, I'm not pretending I care, I do care. I care because nothing is worse than a grumpy guy whose team has just lost. So if I date someone who is obsessed with (insert sports team here) I will be 100% on board, and cheer for them at 110%. But if you screw me over, I will cheer against (insert sports team here) until the day I die. It's one of the few ways a scorned woman can learn to believe in justice and karma again. For now, I'm saving up all my fan-ship energy for future suitors and March. Madness, I know.

Having nice dishes. I'm not really into housewares. I know some people are, but I could care less what I eat on, as long as I'm eating food. And since I'm not trying to impress anyone, I don't have to have matching dishes, or real glasses, or hide my silly straws. I do have suitable dishes, but I never know when a full set will actually be clean. For now, Nana's lilac dishes do just fine. Or a paper towel. The less dishes I have to load, the better.

Television shows I don't like. Everyone has their favorite shows. And everyone has shows they do not like. I'm not ignorant to the fact that people may not be as concerned about Ted's future wife as I am or find New Girl funny at all. (If you don't find any character on that show amusing, suitors need not apply.) You don't want to sit through Will and Grace reruns? Cool, I don't want to sit through your blood and guts show or condone your weird obsession with reality TV. Someday I'll through some show I don't like because I do like the man who watches it, and he'll have to sit through pretty much anything ever made with Zooey Deschanel and Jason Segel. Unless he complains too much. No one like to watch TV with a whiner. Then again, no one likes to date one either.

What I will be in doing in a year. or 3. or 5. "What are you doing with your life?" I don't know. I don't have to have a 3 year plan, or 5, or 10. I do what I wnat. I can look for jobs across the country. I can go to school again (3rd times the charm?) I can live abroad, or just move to the woods. I'll figure the bills and health insurance out. For now I'll just worry about today. As hard as this is for me as an extreme J on the Myers-Briggs, it's kind of a relief too. I don't know what adventures life will bring. And I have found that the best things in life are ones that I haven't planned. I'm in a city, at a school, with wonderful friends I couldn't have seen coming. Life's plan was better than mine. And sure it'll be nice to someday share life's adventures with Someone special. For now, I'll just enjoy sharing life with someoneS special.

Something Vintage, Something Plaid, Stereotyping Brides Makes Me Mad.

2013-01-21T17:16:00.000-05:00

For The Record, I love weddings. Despite the divorce statistics I'm still a huge fan of and believer in marriage, commitment, and love. I totally support being happy and content with one person, and that it is appropriate to honor that decision in a ceremony on a special day with the world (or your 100 best friends). I love the first look, watching a new family forming, friends reuniting, and when parents put their differences aside for their child's special day. People who don't think love exists, trust me it does, I witnessed it six times last summer.

On the other hand, The expectations our American society has about brides' and bridal behavior, is one of my top 5 pet peeves. (I'm not sure if that's accurate, I just want to emphasize how infuriated it makes me.) Call me "liberal," call me a "feminist," call me "alternative," I don't care. My friend Carie Mac would call me (relatively) normal. If I've learned anything about weddings, is that the wedding's all about what I want, right? Maybe I'm just another bridezilla pretending to be a bridebum. But we live in Amurica and you have to tell me it's perfect, even if you secretly think it's tacky as shit. Potential suitors, listen up if you're looking for a care free, stick it to the man, 10-years-down-the-road-hopefully, bride to be.

1. I don't want an engagement ring. But really. I'm not saying that and really expecting a diamond. If you have a family ring, yes. I'll love something sentimental and meaningful. If not, I'd rather go ring shopping with you for our wedding rings. And if I'm wearing a ring prior to vows, it would be nice if you did to. If you are putting a ring on it, so will I. As far as diamonds go, I'd rather spend the money traveling around the world. Plus those pictures will be more interesting for people to look at on facebook than pictures of my tiny nail-bitten hands.

2. I want you to help plan the wedding. If I remember correctly, a marriage is about two people. And I'm not the only one that has to live with potentially awful pictures and poor choices due to my bad taste for the rest of our lives. Plus, if I plan it alone, it'll probably be in a barn and the groomsmen will be wearing flannel. Or it'll be on a mountain and I'll be wearing chacos. So future husband, a word to the wise: let your voice be heard.

3. I will not be changing my name on facebook during the honeymoon. Or maybe ever, I haven't decided yet. Insert comment on our patriarchal society.

4. There will be no pictures of the hotel bed on facebook. Or any statuses that end in #consummation. Some things are meant to be kept between two people, and that's one of them.

5. There will be an epic dance party at the reception. My friends and I have moves better than Jagger. I don't care if we have a band, a DJ, or if my sassy gay friend makes a playlist. Get ready to get low, low, low.

6. We are going to pre-marital counseling. I have no illusions that you can read my mind without me telling you how I feel, or that I'll always know what you need, or that marriage will be easy. Plus, I don't want any future clients to be able to call me a hypocrite. Yikes.

7. "January Wedding" by the Avett Brothers will be played. Even if the wedding is in July.

So if you're looking for a bride-to-be that doesn't care if you show up to your wedding in seersucker, a tux, or khakis, then I'll consider grooming-up. After we boo-up for the next decade first.

Here's to the New Year.

2012-12-27T00:16:00.001-05:00

I love beginnings. Hair cuts, lipstick, and the New Year all make me feel invincible. Luckily I count the beginning of school, summer, and Jan 1 all as a fresh start. And I'm totally due for a new one.

So in honor of a year with an unlucky number, here is my bucket list for living the single dream. 13th times the charm.

~~1. Go dancing.~~
~~2. Watch the sunrise.~~
~~3. Hike.~~
~~4. Run a 5k.~~
~~5. Ask someone out.~~
~~6. Camp.~~
~~7. Finish a book. For fun.~~
~~8. Try a new food.~~
~~9. Ask someone else out.~~
~~10. Tie-dye.~~
~~11. Visit a city.~~
~~12. Go to a new bar~~.
13. Do something on a whim.

2013, stay tuned.

Ex-Mas

2012-12-24T10:36:00.000-05:00

The holidays are a time for seeing family, friends, and running into awkward ex's from high school. That is why I choose to hibernate and stay in my parents' house as much as possible.

Just kidding.

Luckily for me, I have saved any awkward encounters with males for other holidays and places in my life. But in some ways being single around Christmas is worse than Valentine's day. Instead of two weeks of flowers and pink crap in your face, you have a month of sappy commercials and happy family Christmas photos. Bah-hum-bug.

Single people don't fret, here's the light at the end of the tunnel: no excessive traveling, no in-laws, and you get to eat as many cookies as possible while wearing stretchy pants and having your mom comfort you at the same time. Soon it'll be January and everyone will be miserable, relationship or not.

Plus, I know every kiss begins with these luscious lips, not over the top bling. And until I find someone who wants to rant about our consumer society as much as I do and laugh at the idea of Jesus turning over tables in the mall, I'm perfectly fine doing it with my family.

Happy Holidays!

Girls' (or guys) night out.

2012-12-19T13:57:00.001-05:00

Every now and then, a night with my girls (and sassy gay bff) is necessary. I know girls in relationships (and guys) need nights out with just their bros, but when you're single the need is much more frequent. When there's no one to come home too, nothing is stopping you from chatting until 2 a.m. Lots of wisdom and solving of the world's problems comes out after wine, chocolate, cheese fries, and conversation about Ryan Gosling. On a serious note, I have amazing girl (and guy) friends who I would be even more insane without. Both girls' and guys + HK nights are important for my livelihood, and here is just a taste of what I get from each type of gathering:

Girls

"Jack Black is my dream."
"I was in an emotional place, and I blamed it on Turkey."
"Remember in high school when...."
"Not in my pew!"
"Remember when we were on the floor?"
"Remember when ________ cried?"
"There are no men in this town."
"We were soooooo cool. Everybody wanted to be us."
"Remember all of alterego? Mine came out last weekend."
"Another one bites the dust"
"When I'm in a relationship, I will not be like that. If I am, you can slap me."

Guys

"Poop."
"Remember my crazy ex...."
"I ate an entire thing of beans"
"Porch time?"
"Yo baby"
"I ain't mad at 'em!"
"How bout them Heels?"

xoxo,
HK, J'miller, Kirbs, Hannah Montana, Hippie, Hannie

Signs that I like you.

2012-11-30T18:15:00.000-05:00

I always think it’s blatantly obvious when I’m interested in someone, but my friends have to remind me sometimes this just isn’t so. I think I wear my heart on my sleeve, not true. (Although I always wear sass on my face, I tend to leave the heart at home.) I’m probably giving off way more mixed signals than I intend, so here’s my attempt to clear that up.

1. I don’t want to hang out with you. I’m SUPER awkward. You know those scenes in television shows where the guy sees the cute girl and forgets his name? I do that, on the reg. I’ve darted the other way or ended seemingly normal conversations with attractive males. Flight or fight kicks in and I flee. So if you think I’m avoiding you, I’m probably actually into you. Backwards, I know.

2. I want to hang out with you. Duh. Who likes someone they don’t want to be around?

3. I’m not flirting with you. Despite how much fun I am, I can be a serious person. My favorite topics of conversation involve religion, politics, and solving the world’s problems. If it feels like I’m trying to figure out your soul at a bar, it means I might actually be interested in you. Extended superficial conversations bore me, and don’t really give me a good sense of who a person is. If I’m boring you by asking your thoughts on marriage equality, it’s good to know that sooner than later.

4. I am flirting with you. I’m bad at playing games and the social norms for mating. Really, I would much rather just be direct. But occasionally I abide by the rules and get my flirt on. Usually this happens if you have passed the above stage of me not flirting with you, and I have deemed you a worthy person of extra attention. Or maybe I’m just taking a five minute break from over analyzing people for a change.

5. You’re poor at communicating. Weak. ness. The harder you are to get to know, the more I want to know you. If there’s no way in hell I know what you’re thinking, I probably want to date you. Or at least have you like me enough to tell me all your secrets.

6. You’re good at communicating. If we can talk about everything (and we agree on 99%), I might like you. When I get tired of forcing guys to tell me how they feel, I go for someone who will actually tell me what’s going on. It plays into my desire to be direct and talk about feelings. If you don’t fall into those categories, don’t fret, you might still have a chance. See #5.

7. You like the same bizarre crap I do. Some may call me adorkable, some may call me a hipster, I just call it weird. I like random music and movies, books and foods. And when I really like something, it becomes very core to my identity. So when I find someone who is as obsessed with _____________ as I am, I get really excited. And yeah I know, mutual interests aren’t everything. Just because we both love flannel/summer/campfires, it doesn’t mean you’re my soul mate. But it didn’t stop Tom, and it probably won’t stop me from crushing either.

8. We have nothing in common. Just kidding.

If that doesn’t clear up my thought processes, I don’t know what will.

A Word on Boring People.

2012-11-19T19:11:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, people in relationships can be really boring. And typically, these people fess us to how boring they are. It's because once you have found someone who can tolerate your lackluster attributes, there's no reason to fake having an exciting life. To paraphrase a relationship, boredom stricken friend of mine, "I've always been boring, now I just embrace it."

Being single, I don't have time for that. I've got to be as interesting as possible, so I can find someone to be boring with later. When you're single, it's all about delaying that gratification of doing absolutely nothing, so you won't be doing nothing alone. Here are a few tips to keep from becoming a single snooze fest before your time.

1) If you watch TV, make sure the shows are applicable to a wide audience. Pick your shows based on appeal to the masses and life relevance. Personally, I recommend How I Met Your Mother and New Girl. My roommate and I watch this on the reg, preferably in mixed gender company, just to increase the quality of the viewing experience. Plus, it just gives us more people to rant about Ted with.

2) Never wear sweatpants. Ever. Ever. Sweatpants are symbol that you have thrown any sex appeal out of the window. One of my friends wears them to signal to her husband tonight is not the night. Whilst single, sweatpants are a symbol you have given up. Put your sweatpants in the depths of your closet and go buy leggings. Leggings are sweats equally comfy, sexy sister.

Disclaimer: Guys can wear sweatpants and still look attractive. Damn you, double standards.

3) Leave the house after dark. If you never do anything after 8:00 p.m., you're officially a party pooper. If you are under the age of 30, don't to to play the "I'm so old" card. Yeah, the first year after college is really different now that you're an "adult", but it doesn't make it acceptable to bail on all social gatherings that start after nine. Live your 20's like it's the 1920's. Save the Great Depression for a later decade.

If you're still worried you have become an uninteresting person before finding your equally dull soul mate, compare your life to my friend. Before doing anything I see how said activity ranks on the boring scale, 1-Carie. You can read about her life here. She's actually one of my favorite people, so chances are, she is more exciting than you.

Only your kids should ever find you this dreadful.