She Became a Butterfly

I'm Moving

noreply@blogger.com (Butterfly) — Tue, 28 Dec 2010 00:22:00 +0000

I'm in the process of moving my blog to it's own domain. My new site url is:

http://shebecamebutterfly.com

Please update your bookmarks... I'd hate to lose any of you. <3

It's my fault

noreply@blogger.com (Butterfly) — Fri, 24 Dec 2010 13:03:00 +0000

I realized something yesterday at couple's therapy (which ended up being a highly emotional meeting for me because of the realization). As much as the medication is regulating my moods and bringing me out of a severe depression, as much as my self-esteem has improved and as much as I'm learning how to set healthy boundaries, I still have a lot of shame around my abuse. I still feel deep down inside that I'm partly to blame for what happened. Because face it - I didn't do much to stop it. All of the arguments to the contrary - that I was too young to understand, that my body's reaction to it was purely physiological, that I was younger than my brother and so I'm automatically "the victim" - all of these things feel like excuses. Frankly I don't believe my therapists and others when they tell me otherwise. Because face it, they weren't there. I can tell myself till I'm blue in the face that it wasn't my fault, but deep down inside I don't believe it. And that makes it really hard to live with myself. No wonder I have intimacy issues. I feel gross and tainted inside.

I don't really know what to do about this.

My Christmas Wish List

noreply@blogger.com (Butterfly) — Thu, 23 Dec 2010 13:25:00 +0000

Christmas has historically been a hard time for me. I used to be such and idealist about the holiday. One year I tried to save up all my change so that I could get my little sister one of those play kitchens. Half way through the year, though, my parents took over the jar with the change and used it for something else (I can't remember what). Another year I made letters from elves and left them on my sister's pillow. I think that got an eyeroll. Presents I got never seemed to be good enough. Christmas was a time of feeling like I wasn't living up to expectations and feeling guilty for one reason or another.

When I got older, and started my own family and traditions, I'd try to include my family every single year and every single year they'd bail on me. But I'd keep inviting them. Year after year. And every year I'd spend Christmas day slightly depressed and disillusioned, not to mention feeling guilty that my parents spent Christmas Eve alone. My ideals just couldn't be reached.

Last year I told them not to even bother pretending that they were going to come because honestly, I couldn't take it anymore. So this year, at least, when I sent out the invitation and they didn't respond, I asked my mom if that meant she wasn't coming and at least she was honest with me, even if she still made some lame excuse. I'm trying to be different in how I react to it this year, at least.

It's my parents choice to stay home on Christmas Eve. There's nothing for me to feel guilty about. All I can do is my best to include them, and just enjoy the family I have (my in-laws) around me. I will try not to let expectations get the better of me and just enjoy the holiday for what it is. I will enjoy my kids and revel in the wonder and excitement they experience.

And I will view my visit to my parents on Christmas morning (and seeing my brother) as nothing more than a bump in the road. I will not let it ruin my day. I will get through it.

My own affirmations

noreply@blogger.com (Butterfly) — Wed, 22 Dec 2010 16:59:00 +0000

I have power. I am in control over my own life. I am a grown woman who can take care of herself. I am capable. I can trust my instincts. I have feelings. It is my choice to confront my past mistakes or let them go. Although I will not settle for mediocrity, I can accept who I am as a person and accept my strengths and weaknesses. I am who I am and there is no reason I should pretend to be someone or something else. People will accept me for who I am, and if they don't, they have no purpose or place in my life. And I can accept that not everyone will like me.

(These are the things we covered today at EMDR.)

Tough Decisions

noreply@blogger.com (Butterfly) — Thu, 16 Dec 2010 20:20:00 +0000

Recently my husband was offered a position in... let's just say a "warmer state." We have about a month to decide. We haven't even told anyone yet because we're not sure we're going to actually accept and take the leap. But my first instinct is a resounding YES! It's warmer, obviously, than the climate I live in right now (North), it's far away from my family, the cost of living is less, the lifestyle is much more laid-back and outdoorsy, it's warmer, we could get more house for the money, we could start from scratch and reinvent ourselves... it's warmer... Without taking into consideration whether or not it's the best move for my husband's career, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

At least I thought I would until today's couple's therapy session. I (begrudgingly) admit she made a very good point: I'm working really hard towards my recovery and I've come so far, but still have a ways to go. If I moved down there I'd have to start from scratch with new doctors, new therapists, new friends, new experiences, you name it. Do I really want to jump into something this life-changing when I just came out of a depression so deep I actually had thoughts of ending my own life? I feel so good right now, so much better, so much healthier and so much more grounded than I've been in a long time, possibly than I've ever felt in my life, but what is a life change of this magnitude going to do to my mental health state?

The timing just really stinks because it's always been my dream to move South and now that it could actually happen, I don't know if it's really the right thing to do. As much as it kills me to admit that.

Comments

noreply@blogger.com (Butterfly) — Wed, 15 Dec 2010 14:29:00 +0000

Just a quick post to note that I realized my comments section (disqus) wasn't working and I fixed it. At least I hope so. LOL So comment away! I always love hearing from you. :)

Mindfulness

noreply@blogger.com (Butterfly) — Tue, 14 Dec 2010 19:10:00 +0000

“Mindfulness means

paying attention in a particular way;

On purpose,

in the present moment,

and nonjudgmentally.”

~Jon Kabat-Zinn

I've been really trying hard to put this way of thinking into practice lately. To me mindfulness means taking a step back from life, observing what is going on around me and feeling grateful to be having that particular experience. It's like when you get married and everyone tells you at the wedding to stop and take it in, really appreciate it, because it all goes by so fast.

Now that I've figured this out, relate it to it that way, it makes it easier to put living in the present into perspective and practice. Life is too short to be looking behind or looking forward all the time. Life is all about one present moment after another. We have to stop and appreciate those moments as they come.

"Mindfulness is simply being aware of what is happening right now without wishing it were different; enjoying the pleasant without holding on when it changes (which it will); being with the unpleasant without fearing it will always be this way (which it won’t).” – James Baraz"

"Few of us ever live in the present. We are forever anticipating what is to come or remembering what has gone." — Louis L'Amour

Thoughtful Thursday

noreply@blogger.com (Butterfly) — Thu, 09 Dec 2010 23:44:00 +0000

I didn't have regular therapy today so instead I thought I'd write about EMDR yesterday. If you can't tell, I can be rather... skeptical about treatment options, especially when it's not exactly traditional medicine. That's why, I think, I'm so surprised about how I feel after every EMDR appointment.

Yesterday we talked about my memories about what happened with my brother and how I don't know what's memory and what's imagined, because some of the facts just don't line up with what I remember, if that makes any sense. Well, talking about it got me feeling really anxious. Racing heart, sweaty palms, tightness in the chest and shoulders, the whole nine yards.

The therapist suggested a quasi-impromptu EMDR session while thinking about my anxiety and what happened in the past. I followed her finger as she moved it back and forth (called bilateral stimulation), while I focused on my feelings and just kind of let whatever came up, come up. We did about three sets and first of all, watching that finger go back and forth across my line of vision is very hypnotic. I swear I was about to fall asleep.

Secondly, and for the life of me I can't tell you why, I felt better. The anxiety was almost non-existant in a short five minute session. And it really hasn't been back since. Granted, it's only been a little over 24 hours, but still... I came out of the session feeling like a weight had been lifted off of me and I felt lighter.

I know I'm a long way off from feeling comfortable in my own skin sexually, but yesterday's session, I think, was one more step in the right direction. The therapist is going to call my regular therapist this week and ask her if she thinks I'm ready to move on to more hard-core stuff.

Thoughtful Thursday

noreply@blogger.com (Butterfly) — Thu, 02 Dec 2010 19:07:00 +0000

I'm really not sure what to write about today. LOL. Things have kind of been going okay.

EMDR yesterday was more like a regular therapy appointment because we talked for most of the session. We did do some self-esteem work with the hand "tappers." The target words were "Intelligent" and "Independent Thinker." Basically she'd have me reflect on the word and then talk about a time when I demonstrated that word. For intelligent, I described how well I did in college and how I made good grades through sheer force of will. For independent thinker, I kind of used the same example in that I described how I decided to go to college after taking a few years off, even though I didn't get much (if any) encouragement from my parents. I decided on my own that that's what I wanted to do and made it happen.

At couple's therapy, the therapist suggested that it might help if my husband and I watch a video together, called "Rehealing Touch, Healing Techniques for Couples." We haven't watched it yet, but we plan on it.

Today at regular therapy, we talked more about my "issues" around sex. Specifically, how I view sex as an means to an end - to get something I want - rather than as a physical expression of love. Even the term "making love" gives me the creeps. The therapist thinks (and I agree) that this is because of two things: 1) I was taught in my family that sex was only for procreation; love had very little to do with it, and it certainly wasn't to be enjoyed (that would be just sinful!) and 2) My brother would let me borrow something of his after (if you get what I mean).

The difficult part for me, is that even knowing these things, even with all the growth I've gone through recently, and even with having my meds all straightened out so that I'm mentally feeling better, not much if anything has changed in the sex department. I could even argue that it's gotten worse. Sigh. So that's frustrating and discouraging. I just need to tell myself to be patient with the EMDR work and hope to God that it works.

Be Thankful

noreply@blogger.com (Butterfly) — Sat, 27 Nov 2010 00:35:00 +0000

In honor of Thanksgiving as we celebrate it in the United States, here is a list of the things that I'm thankful for:

My two beautiful, sweet, kind and funny kids - I must be doing something right because they're just amazing little human beings. Every day I strive to be a better person in part because of them.
My husband. This journey of mine hasn't been easy on him yet he stays right by my side and is trying so hard to be there for me. It doesn't go unnoticed.
Friends. I have several "real life" friends that I've entrusted to share this blog. You know who you are. I shared with you because I trust you with my deepest darkest secrets. Yet it didn't scare you away. On the contrary, it brought us closer and I am forever grateful to you.
Three amazing counselors who refuse to give up on me.
All of my online friends and readers of this blog, who have pulled me back from the brink so many times just with a kind word or a virtual hug.
Amazing in-laws who love me unconditionally.
Books.
Personal growth. This journey has been far from easy, but I'm learning so much and I'm becoming so much stronger. I am proud of the progress I've made.
and last but not least: Chocolate. ;)

Be Thankful
Author Unknown
Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire.
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful when you don't know something,
for it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times.
During those times you grow.

Be thankful for your limitations,
because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for each new challenge,
because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes.
They will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you're tired and weary,
because it means you've made a difference.

It's easy to be thankful for the good things.
A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who
are also thankful for the setbacks.

Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive.
Find a way to be thankful for your troubles,
and they can become your blessings.

EMDR Update

noreply@blogger.com (Butterfly) — Sat, 20 Nov 2010 13:15:00 +0000

I forgot to write about how EMDR went this week. I really think I'm warming up to the idea. This appointment went really well and I swear I came out of there feeling a little better about myself. She showed me the different tools used in EMDR including eye-scan and audio scan (to see what some of the tools look like, check out this).

We actually started EMDR to work on some self-esteem issues I have. I held these two pulsing tablets in either hand and they vibrated back and forth while I talked. She had me write down four words she'd use to describe me from the short time we've been meeting.

I can't remember the fourth word for the life of me, but the other three were "Intelligent/self care," "spontaneous" and "courageous." Then, holding the tablets in my hands while they vibrated, she had me talk to her about examples of when I was these words. It was weird doing it because, first of all, it was distracting with the pulsing in my hands back and forth, but also because I wouldn't normally describe myself in those terms, and even after talking about it "normally" without the tactile stimulation, I wouldn't necessarily believe that about myself, I left the appointment feeling lighter, and like I said, a little better about myself.

I think I'm starting to realize that my previous ambivalence about this kind of therapy was simply a defense-mechanism and that maybe if I just continue to work it and accept this as a valid form of healing, this could really benefit me. I hate to admit it, but I'm kind of hooked and I'm really looking forward to my next appointment.

Thoughtful Thursday

noreply@blogger.com (Butterfly) — Thu, 18 Nov 2010 16:11:00 +0000

It was all about my parents today. Yesterday, the phone rang and it was my mom. I answered and she said, "Who is this?" I said it's [my name] and she replied, "oh I meant to call your sister." I then asked if everything was okay and she told me that my grandmother has been in the hospital for congestive heart failure. My mom never even bothered to call me. I had to ask her three times what hospital my grandmother was at. There was more, but I don't really want to go into it. Suffice it to say that this was an obvious slight, since my younger brother, later that night, told me that she called him and my other brother to tell them. She just didn't call me. That really hurts. My therapist thinks that they're punishing me and forcing me out of the family loop. I'm really mourning that right now. It really sucks. And that's all I really feel like writing right now, so I'm going to end this here.

Affirmation - Do Something Contructive

noreply@blogger.com (Butterfly) — Mon, 15 Nov 2010 19:43:00 +0000

Today's Affirmation from Daily Affirmations for Forgiving and Moving On by Tian Dayton:

Constructive Activity

I will do something constructive with my day. Sitting back and watching
my day disappear will not give me a good feeling about myself when I lay
my head down on my pillow tonight. There is always something
constructive to do in any given day. Today I will do it, not
procrastinate - I will do it. I may clean out a closet, write
correspondence, exercise or take on a new project-whatever it is, I will
start now. Constructive activity creates a pathway for the soul, it
builds on strength and positivity. Self-esteem comes from feeling myself
to be a useful and valuable person. When I am not constructive in my
day, I rob myself of that important source of self-confidence and
self-competence; then I am prey to negative influences. If I wish to
feel like a useful, vital person, I will need to act like one.

I begin a constructive activity now.

Three are three gates to . . . death of the soul: The gate of lust. The
gate of wrath. The gate of greed.
Bhagavad-Gita

I took this one to heart today and so far I've accomplished a lot. What's more is that I found that my energy has increased. I need to learn to force myself up off the couch and get that to-do list done. The more I do, the more I want to do. I get on a roll and just keep on going. What's more is that I feel a sense of "self-confidence and self-compentance."

(All content is used with the written permission of the author, Tian Dayton).

Thoughtful Thursday

noreply@blogger.com (Butterfly) — Thu, 11 Nov 2010 18:43:00 +0000

My very nature is an oxymoron. That's what this appointment was centered on. Really, we talked about how I'm fragile, yet a tough cookie. I'm anxiety-ridden, yet courageous. I'm talkative, yet afraid to reveal my feelings. I'm caring, yet closed off. I feel guilty, yet I'm non-apologetic. I'm an optimist and a pessimist. I'm patient and restless. Intuitive and obtuse. The list goes on.

Yet I think that everyone can say that about themselves, if they look down deep inside enough. There is no black and white when it comes to the human persona. I've talked about this before.

It helps, though, to realize that there are facets about myself that I need to change, for sure, but there are other facets there that I can be proud of.

And then we talked about EMDR and how it can help in more than one area. Along with the trauma-healing piece, it can help me to relax and it can help with my self-esteem issues. And both of these things will help down the line in the intimacy department. That definitely makes me feel hopeful about the process, since I'm realizing that, like my personality, my issues around intimacy are also multi-faceted. If I could just get out of my own head, relax and feel good about myself, I'm sure it'd go a long way towards healing.

Rainbows

noreply@blogger.com (Butterfly) — Thu, 11 Nov 2010 11:56:00 +0000

Just wanted to say that yesterday's EMDR appiontment had me drawing a rainbow. On a giant pad of paper. I had to choose colors that represent me with colored chalk. Ahem.

We did do some visualization exercises as well.

These appointments really have me testing myself and my comfort level, for sure.

Embrace the Present

noreply@blogger.com (Butterfly) — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 14:59:00 +0000

You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present. ~Jan Glidewell

Just a quick update... I'm having a decent week and just trying to live in the moment. Trying not to dwell on the past, trying to stop worrying about the future. Just today. Just breathing in and out in this moment. No then, just now.

Granted, it's not as easy as it sounds, but I'm practicing. Someone gave me some advice once in a comment on this blog. She said when I start focusing on the past or the future, I should sit, notice the things going on directly around me, in that moment in time, just to sit and take it in. That's what I'm trying to do.

My relationship with my husband is going a bit better, too. We talked about living in the moment at therapy last week. He was reading into my signs of affection too much and thinking that they weren't genuine because of things that either occurred in the past, or things he would anticipate were going to happen in the future. For example, he'd think that I was affectionate because that's what I thought he wanted. He thought this based on the fact that maybe I had shut him down earlier, or he was expecting me to shut him down later that day. So by shutting me down when I tried to show him affection, he was essentially punishing me for wrongs in the past or anticipated wrongs.

Until I brought it up in therapy, I don't even think he realized that's what he was doing. So this week he's trying to accept my affection for what it is in that moment. And I think it's working. I've noticed that he's a lot more receptive to my attempts at showing him love. :)

Thoughtful Thursday

noreply@blogger.com (Butterfly) — Thu, 04 Nov 2010 15:28:00 +0000

Things I realized from today's appointment:

I'm afraid of the unknown
I'm afraid of letting go; I keep a very tight reign on my emotions
I'm afraid that this isn't going to work
I'm afraid of failure
I'm a thinker and let my mind run away from me
I need to practice my breathing techniques/meditation in preparation for next week's appointment
I need to give myself some positive thoughts: "This could work, this may work, this will work"

I've meditated before and I can do it again: I remembered today that when I was 11 or 12 years old, I used to have a lot of trouble falling asleep at night because I had nightmares, so I'd look at my clock next to the bed and I'd count to 60 trying to hit 60 the moment that the clock changed numbers. I'd do this until I fell asleep. My therapist said that that's a form of meditation, so I already have it in me.

I've decided to keep trying the EMDR and try to work my way through the fear and give it an honest shot. I want to keep an open mind about it.

EMDR update

noreply@blogger.com (Butterfly) — Wed, 03 Nov 2010 22:21:00 +0000

Bear with me while I try to sort out my feelings about my second EMDR appointment today.

I just don't know if it's going to work. To say that it makes me uncomfortable is an understatement. And so far all we've done is some breathing exercises. Frankly I couldn't wait to get out of there. There's just something about the whole thing that weirds me out. I don't know if it's a defense mechanism or that I'm just not cut out for the touchy-feely new-age kind of therapy. I don't even know if I want to go back next week, although I should probably give it more of a chance than two appointments. I was so tense and anxious when I was there. It's probably a control thing, knowing me. I have to let go and completely put my trust in this person and that is definitely not an easy thing for me to do.

This form of therapy is just not really my style, I guess. I'm sure it's a great fit for some people, but for me, maybe not. And she wants to try actual hypnosis on me to bring up all of my memories of the past. Gah! Even the thought of that sends me into a panic. I just don't know what to do. I feel like crying because I really really want this to work for the sake of my marriage, but I just don't know if I can stand another appointment like I had today.

The struggle is worthwhile

noreply@blogger.com (Butterfly) — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 20:19:00 +0000

It's not Saturday, but today's affirmation is so true and I couldn't help sharing it:

My Own Point of View

In my quiet moments I allow myself to fully entertain my own thoughts. I
learn and grow in layers. When I have come finally to decode what feels
like garbled data and to understand more clearly what I am seeing,
feeling and hearing, then I am ready to move through another layer. Some
days, learning how to live feels like too hard a struggle, but then I
consider the alternatives - living a hollow and meaningless life,
wasting or even resenting life, living stupidly and blundering
mindlessly along, living only on the surface, never letting anything or
anyone really touch or move me is certainly no easier. When I consider
the alternatives, it puts the struggle in perspective; I understand why
I carry on.

The struggle is worthwhile.

We do not receive wisdom, we must discover it for ourselves, after a
journey through the wilderness which no one else can make for us, which
no one can spare us, for our wisdom is the point of view from which we
come at last to regard the world.
Marcel Proust

This couldn't have come at a better time because I was feeling really discouraged earlier today after my PNP appointment. I'm officially back on the Zoloft now, bringing me back up to three prescriptions and I was feeling really disheartened that I'm ever going to be able to either get off the meds completely or at least figure them out to the point where I'm feeling good again. After reading today's affirmation, though, I realized that the struggle is worth it. The alternative - not being true to who I am, struggling internally, not seeking help, pushing down my feelings or ignoring them altogether, just wasn't working anymore. So I'm proud of myself for taking action and trying to figure things out, even though I'm not there yet. At least I'm moving in the right direction.

All affirmations are from Daily Affirmations for Forgiving and Moving On and are used with permission from the author Tian Dayton.

Affirmations Saturday - Silent Communication

noreply@blogger.com (Butterfly) — Sat, 30 Oct 2010 12:07:00 +0000

Today's Affirmation from Daily Affirmations for Forgiving and Moving On by Tian Dayton:

Silent Communication

I am not an island onto myself. Isolating myself from those I am
intimate with is impossible. All I accomplish through this self-imposed
separation is the illusion of isolation. I share space with those who
are close to me. Each of us knows what is going on, each of us feels the
atmosphere of the other. I will be willing to know how I affect people
today on both a verbal and, even more important, on a nonverbal level. I
will take responsibility not only for what I say, but for who I am in
the alive and vibrating feeling atmosphere around me. The atmosphere
around me is alive and carries my silent message to all whom I
encounter; it is what others I am in relationship with know and live
with.

I own what I think and feel.

Now if you apply the wave-particle metaphor to human relationship and
think that we are both particle, individuals in our own space and time
and waves, things that can overlap and combine with others, then you
have a basis for seeing how we could get "into" relationships with other
people. ~Dianne Zohar

Wow... this one is very appropriate for me lately. I haven't talked about it much (or in any detail anyway) out of respect for my husband, but we've been having a lot of issues in the intimacy department. And I'm not just talking in terms of sex, I'm talking intimacy in every sense of the word.

I think it's because I'm afraid any intimacy will lead to that intimacy. And that intimacy makes me want to fight, to push him away, to run, to get angry, to want to lose control, and I hate losing control. Has it always been this way? Sort of. It's always been there to some degree, but I used to be able to squash it down, battle through it and hide it. Now for whatever reason, I can't hide that visceral reaction. And that lack of control makes me even more angry. A vicious circle. Hence signing up for EMDR therapy (GOD I hope that works!!).

Anyway, getting back to the affirmation... it's saying that isolation isn't a one way street. That I may be isolating myself from my husband, but it doesn't go unnoticed by him, it hurts him and it's hurting me as well. When I think that I'm simply distancing myself from him to withhold sex, I'm damaging much more than our sex life. I need to remind myself that intimacy is so much more than sex, something I accuse my husband of thinking all the time. I need to take responsibility for my own bias. A relationship can't be one sided and I'm short changing myself and my husband by taking such a myopic view, just because of my own neurosis. I need to practice being initimate in different ways, opening myself up and allowing vulnerability. If I trust him the way I say I do, I should feel safe letting that vulnerability come through.

This is something I definitely need to think about this week... because I'm not sure I do feel safe opening myself up to him and being vulnerable, because the bias is there and I'm afraid that vulnerability and intimacy is going to lead down that one path. And I don't think I could stand having that instinctual reaction toward the man that I love again. And that's not giving my husband any credit at all. This is something that needs work, for sure.

Let it go, Let it out

noreply@blogger.com (Butterfly) — Sat, 30 Oct 2010 00:23:00 +0000

I don't often post twice in one day but I just stumbled upon a beautiful poem that really speaks to me and I just had to share. I keep reading it over and over again, and I'm sure you will, too.

God bless this tiny little boat
And me who travels in it.
It stays afloat for years and years
And sinks within a minute.

And so the soul in which we sail,
Unknown by years of thinking,
Is deeply felt and understood
The minute that it's sinking.

When the heart
Is cut or cracked or broken
Do not clutch it
Let the wound lie open.

Let the wind
From the good old sea blow in
To bathe the wound with salt
And let it sting.

Let a stray dog lick it
Let a bird lean in the hole and sing
A simple song like a tiny bell
And let it ring.

Let it go, let it out.
Let it all unravel.
Let it free and it can be
A path on which to travel.

~Michael Leunig, The Prayer Tree

Funny

noreply@blogger.com (Butterfly) — Fri, 29 Oct 2010 17:25:00 +0000

I just wanted to share something that I found kind of funny. Navigating through the mental health system can be really frustrating at times. I can't remember if I ever explained why I switched from one Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner to another. Besides the fact that the first one diagnosed me with ADD, and put me on a dose of Prozac so high it had me manic, she disappeared out of thin air back in May, right as I was in that crisis. So my therapist referred me to someone new and I moved on, was diagnosed with Bipolar II, yada yada yada.

Fast forward to yesterday, just as I was getting out of my first EMDR consultation. The phone rings, the number looks vaguely familiar, so I pick it up and it's the PNP that disappeared! Not so much as a phone call before yesterday. And the kicker is that she acted like nothing ever happened. Over six months go by and she says, "Hi there, I was just calling to check to see if you're still on your meds and how that's all going."

Um... yeah. So I told her that I had a new PNP and she acted all surprised. Like I was really going to wait around for her to come back from her little unannounced sabbatical.

And then today it gets even better. Last week at couples therapy my husband and I were expressing frustration with the status of my medications and how no one can quite get the right dosage/combination for me. How I haven't felt right in a very long time. So the therapist suggested that maybe it's time to see a Psychiatrist - a medical doctor trained in this sort of thing.

So I made the phone call and his assistant called me back a little while ago. She was the most condescending person I've ever had the pleasure of talking to. I don't know if she just assumes that whoever calls has the intelligence of a five year old, or they're all crazy, or both. But I was explaining to her what the problem was - how the meds just don't seem to be working right - and she said, "Well, you just need to tell her that the meds aren't working so she can try something else." No shit lady. You don't think I haven't already tried that several times?? So I also explained that my PNP goes to Florida over the winter and I need to get my meds straightened out before that. She repeated what I said, in the most patronizing tone, "You need to get that taken care of then before she leaves." Uh, yeah, that's why I'm calling you guys asshole.

I don't need someone's patronizing assistant who doesn't know me from a hole in the wall telling me how to handle my medical condition. Just make me the damned appointment please.

I think I just made myself more frustrated writing this post than I was before. LOL Maybe I should quit while I'm ahead.

Thoughtful Thursday

noreply@blogger.com (Butterfly) — Thu, 28 Oct 2010 22:46:00 +0000

Well, I've hit a new record: I'm now seeing three - yes, three - therapists. One normal, one EMDR and one couples therapist. Yikes. Hopefully the EMDR is just a temporary measure; I'm told that this type of therapy usually works rather quickly. Otherwise I think that I'm going to have to give up one, just because even though I have insurance, going to three therapists and a psychiatric nurse practitioner is getting pretty damned expensive, not to mention time consuming.

Today's appointment with my 'regular' therapist was spent talking about my family and the dynamics and a little about my upbringing. It's funny that we haven't really talked about that in a while. I think it's because of the upcoming holidays; this is a very stressful time of year for me historically.

We talked about my older brother being the "golden child" in the family and how much that upsets me because I always tried to be that and never quite cut it. I have to learn to let that go, because it's never going to happen, especially as a female, in my family.

We also talked about my upcoming EMDR appointment (therapy at 10:00 EMDR consult at 12:00) and how nervous I was about that. Not nervous as much as scared shitless. I'm terrified that this isn't going to work and that I'll be no closer to a resolution to my intimacy issues. She helped to realize that I have to view it more as a step in the right direction and not put all my eggs in one emotional basket. Regardless of the outcome, at least I keep trying to figure it out, whereas some people would just accept the status quo and never end up fixing the problem.

So after that, I headed to my EMDR consultation. She described what EMDR can do if it's successful. It takes a traumatic experience, loaded with shame, from the right (emotional) side of the brain and somehow transfers that memory or experience to the left (logical) side of the brain. That way, your logical side can say, hey, you did the best you could under the circumstances and there's no shame in that. Then you can move forward and be at peace with whatever happened in your past.

She said that this type of therapy is very hard work, and not your every-day run-of-the-mill counseling session. It brings past trauma dangerously close to the surface and forces you to face it and live through it again in order to be able to let it go. That scares the shit of me...

Both therapists told me today that I'm very courageous for doing this, for working three types of therapies and getting my meds under control. I don't see it as courageous at all. I see myself at a point of sheer desperation. Then again,

Desperation is the raw material of drastic change. Only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape. ~William S. Burroughs

Mood Tracking

noreply@blogger.com (Butterfly) — Tue, 26 Oct 2010 12:16:00 +0000

Just a couple of notes:

I started the Zoloft again... I'm hoping it brings me out of this funk I'm in all of a sudden. I still have an appointment with the PNP on Monday, but I'm thinking about taking the couple's therapist's advice and calling the psychiatrist for a consultation. In fact, I'm definitely going to call today. Him and the EMDR specialist. I just have to make the calls and get it over with. How dumb am I that I feel like I'll be cheating on the PNP, though, by calling the psychiatrist? Sigh...

I found this great website for mood tracking. It's for people with Depression or Bipolar, but you can pretty much use it for tracking anything, like PMS or whatever. Then you can print it out and show it to your therapist/doctor to show them exactly how you've been feeling. It also takes into consideration your sleep habits, exercise, whether you remembered to take your meds, etc. If you think you could use such a tool, definitely check it out:

http://www.moodtracker.com/

Affirmations Saturday

noreply@blogger.com (Butterfly) — Sat, 23 Oct 2010 12:09:00 +0000

Today's Affirmation from Daily Affirmations for Forgiving and Moving On by Tian Dayton:

Losing My Life To Find It

Today I see that in spiritual growth I lose my life to find it. This is
just the opposite of establishing my identity in a worldly way, which
lies in surrounding myself with things that I want to represent me. In
this way I define and seek a sense of self through representation. I
know now that I cannot find me in a reflection of myself. When I do
this, my eyes are constantly focused outward, and I forget that it is
through an inner gazing that I come to know who I am and what life is
all about. The sense of loss I may experience when I cease looking for
my true identity in objects outside myself disappears when I look within
for my life and meaning.

I let go of my smaller self to know my larger self.

In my end is my beginning. ~T. S. Eliot

This one is great for me. I used to be the epitome of being "focused outward." It's something I've had to work on a lot. Until recently, I was what others wanted me to be. I had no self-identity. In becoming "myself" I had to do a lot of introspection and soul-searching. Some people may even say that I've become selfish and they don't recognize me. For the first time in my life, I have a backbone and I'm not afraid to voice an opinion. Something as simple as saying, "No, I didn't like that food/book/movie" was extremely difficult. I'm not quite there yet, but I'm a lot better than I used to be.

What this says is that I have to continue looking inward to discover who I am, instead of looking for "me" in other people. Who I am inside is so much more important than the person I see reflected in others' eyes. It doesn't mean that I don't have a need for approval at all, but the opinion should come from myself first and foremost.

I found another quote that speaks to this affirmation,

A man travels the world over in search of what he needs and returns home to find it. ~George Moore

(All content is used with the written permission of the author, Tian Dayton).