Retarded Retail

FINALLY FREE OF RETAIL!

2011-11-18T11:03:00.000-08:00

Well I haven't made any new posts in quite a while because I got out of retail HELL several months ago and so did Kyle. I now have a REAL job that I applied for along with 200 other applicants who failed miserably in comparison to my resume and interviewing charisma. That goes to show that only the complete fuck-tards in retail management lack people skills (or ANY skills) in the same way a cobra lacks a social support network of mice.

I will never, ever go back to retail, but I can't wait to be standing in line at some store while listening to some grumpy old grandma complain about the cashier being too slow, and then turning around and giving that cunt a Stone-Cold Stunner to shut-her-the-fuck-up.

Finally, my brilliant post entitled, " All Engineers Are Arrogant Assholes " has been getting a lot of hits lately, and I wanted to ensure all the readers of this blog that I meant every single word of that post. Engineers ARE ALL Arrogant Assholes. Every-Single-One.

THANK YOU TO ALL OUR FANS! Have a nice day!

We know you stole it

2011-06-07T20:50:00.000-07:00

If there is one thing in this world worse than useless fucking morons, its thieves. The ones I am referring to are the ones that steal tons of stupid shit and then come back to return it. Who the fuck does that you may ask? Well I will tell you, every fucking cracked out piece of shit that steps in the door. One big fat she-Shamu in particular likes to shoplift frequently with her scumbag entourage. They come in and stuff their pockets and handbags full of shit and return often days, if not hours later to return it.

At this particular store we can only return items without a receipt to a merchandise card. This rude-ass fat lady has been told this every time. Yet every time she comes in she asks for cash and throws a tantrum every time she's told that we can't. Instead of stealing on a regular basis, she should try thinking outside her enormous fat rolls and GET A FREAKIN' JOB. But I suppose that someone who steals and tries to return product later that day isn't quite smart enough to flip burgers, although she probably eats 10-12 a day and wonders why she isn't losing weight.

Shoplifters who throw tantrums when they can't get cash back need to be chopped up into tiny pieces of fish bait.

Messy Customers Should Invite Me to Their Home

2011-05-25T12:33:00.000-07:00

What the fuck is wrong with stupid-ass customers who go through the shit on the shelves in a store like they are on a timed treasure hunt looking for magic token of some sort? Don't these cocksuckers realize that somebody has to fix THEIR fuckup? I've had shithead customers put something back in the WRONG location right in front of me before.

LISTEN ASSHOLES: YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY SHOPPER, OTHER PEOPLE MIGHT BE LOOKING FOR THE SAME THING YOU JUST SCREWED WITH SO PUT THINGS BACK EXACTLY AS YOU FOUND IT.

Now why should these bloody, diarrhea-filled cunts invite me to their home? So I can bring a baseball bat with me of course!! The adult children that destroy the stores they shop in need to learn the hard way what it feels like to clean up after someone. After I got through smashing up their home so bad that they'd need a shovel to find the floor, I'd take a dump right on their bed. Assholes deserve nothing less.

In departments with boxes full of product on the shelves, shithead customers will sometimes pull out EVERY FRICKIN' BOX to look inside and leave the boxes sticking out. Here's how a conversation SHOULD go with these pricks:

ME: Hey dickhead, did you just pull all these boxes forward?

DICKHEAD: Oh, yeah that was.....BAM!!!! (that's when I nail the fucker in the gut with my knee)

Restaurants and Stupid Customers

2011-04-25T17:56:00.000-07:00

I've been on vacation for the past week, so I first must apologize to my loyal fans that my blog partner Kyle has been too much of a lazy fuck to make any new posts while I was gone. You all should leave comments on his posts like this one, "Eating is Not a Disability" and tell him to write something new!!

ANYWAYS, I think being a waiter would be a horrible job. Not worse than retail in a big store, but still pretty bad. I have a friend that works at IHOP and she had this to share:

Listen up customer/guest retards! When you first walk into the restaurant, there is a BIG sign right-the-fuck in front of you that says, "Please Wait To Be Seated." You would not believe how many dyslexic gimpy cow-fuckers think that means, "Do Whatever The Hell You Want, Wherever You Want." And if that sign is mistranslated, you know that those idiot illiterates will just cause problems the rest of the time they are in the building. Here are a few basic rules you should follow when you go out to eat:

DO NOT: Ask to be seated or moved somewhere else. You will sit where we have you sit for a REASON. Did you ever suspect for a second that we sit you in certain places for a REASON?! Just say thank you, and shut your ugly mouth. If your face moves, I don't want to hear any sound coming from it.

DO NOT: Ask for 50 fucking changes to a certain menu item. It's a pain in the ass. If you don't like the "ham & cheese with bacon bits omelet" because you were born fucked-up and allergic to EGGS, MEAT, and CHEESE - ORDER SOMETHING ELSE INSTEAD OF ASKING US TO CHANGE THE WHOLE DAMN BREAKFAST PLATE!!!!

DO NOT: Be a picky son-of-a-bitch and then leave half your food on the plate AND THEN leave a shitty tip. Assholes.

That's it for now, comments about working in the restaurant business are welcome! And don't forget to bug Kyle.

New Poll and Why Do Some Retail Retards Care So Much?

2011-04-11T12:26:00.000-07:00

Check out the new poll I just made, and vote on it. If you don't work retail, then pay attention to this blog and learn something about the painful reality some of us experience every day.

Today I want to point out some of the idiocy that some retail shit-heads display. To start with an example, I went to go see Lord of the Rings (Best movie of all time. If you disagree, you are stupid and should completely discontinue trying to have an opinion) with my hot date and the stupid self-righteous EPIC BITCH behind the glass wouldn't give me a student discount because I didn't have a student ID. At the community college I was going to, you NEVER NEEDED AN ID so of course I never got one. But this whore felt so important and special by charging me full price ($12.00 for a frickin ticket is ROBBERY!) for a damn ticket.

Which brings me to my main point, Why the hell do idiot workers care about such petty BS? Do you think you get a pay increase by being a dick?? I don't think so. Just give the damn discount. You think your company cares about you?! HAHA!!!! Hell no!! So what twisted car accident inside your head makes you think there is any realistic reason why you should fuck over the average Joe? Stupid bitches, go fuck yourselves.

At my store if some mental midget moron is looking at refrigerators and asks if there are any on clearance (first of all, STOP ASKING FOR DISCOUNTS!) I tell them "No, you stupid cheap-ass. But if you don't want to pay full price just take a hammer to the side of that Kenmore fridge and you'll get a discount." Why? Well what the hell do I care?! It doesn't make one bit of difference to MY paycheck what he pays for something, and it sure as shit isn't MY fridge!! So you retail pricks that DO CARE for no reason at all and think you are special, need to take a flying leap off the top of your company's roof that you worship so much.

ATTENTION CUSTOMERS! When you walk into a retail store, this picture clearly displays how much each and every employee cares about you:

If You Don't Need It, DON'T BUY IT! Jackass Customers.....

2011-03-31T12:23:00.000-07:00

First of all, the poll is now closed for profession with the most assholes. 'Politicians' is the clear winner! I'd personally like to send a big THANK YOU out to all of America's crooks, thieves, liars, bought-and-paid-for-corporate-puppets (aka: "our" elected [through fraud] public servants) for being such COMPLETE A-HOLES!!! And a Sincere thank you to everyone who voted on the poll.

ANYWAYS! People return the weirdest junk in the most bizarre conditions. Some worthless waste of skin brought a shovel to the return desk he had bought months ago, and he wanted to exchange it for a new one. This shovel looked like it had been through hell and back, it was all bent up, caked in filth and mud and varying brown substances, just like the guy returning it. Well our return policy (printed on every single receipt) doesn't allow for such nonsense; this bastard got his money's worth on the shovel and he needed to go away. He didn't. He whined and cried like a baby with overflowing diapers saying the shovel had a 10 year warranty or some such bullshit. If that's the case, CALL THE DAMN COMPANY THAT MADE THE SHOVEL, IDIOT!!! On hundreds of products in the store, the manufacturer has included on their product bright lettering that tells the moron consumers to NOT return product to the store! There is a number to call.

One of the best cases of super retardation was when a jackass returned a set of screwdrivers. One of the screwdrivers was bent. Now, first of all it should be known that SCREWDRIVERS are meant to DRIVE SCREWS and NOTHING ELSE! This asshole told the brain-dead cashier that the screwdrivers "did not work well as chisels." CHISELS!! So of course we took it back and gave this waste of life his money back. Insanity.

I should go to a car lot, buy a big truck, set it in gear so it drives itself off a cliff, then get it towed back to the dealership in a jumbled mess and demand my money back because it didn't work well as a hang-glider.

If you don't need the product, DON'T BUY IT!! Don't buy 40 huge cement blocks if you only need 5!! Do you asshat morons realize what a pain in the ass it is to put all that crap back on the shelf?? Fuck You. You buy it, YOU keep it.

Would You Bastards Buy These Two Hot Chicks From the Whore House, Then Return Them Because They Didn't Work Well As LAWNMOWERS?!? Probably - MORONS.

Eating is not a disability

2011-03-25T21:43:00.000-07:00

I don't know if you people are aware that the electric carts are not there to prevent your morbidly obese ass from burning calories. They're for people who CAN'T walk on there own! I'm tired of watching people the size of a small whale driving around in carts, meant for elderly people or those with disabilities, with their kids sitting on their fat rolls holding on for dear life while the little cart struggles to break 1 mph. You made it to the front door tubby why don't you just keep on walking!!

What would these clowns do without drive-throughs? McDonald's doesn't have electric carts, Pillsbury you're gonna have to work off that DBL QP with extra cheese the old fashioned way...... WALKING!!!! To make it worse these retards can't even put the cart back where they got it and plug it back in so the next Micheal Moore look-alike can abuse it.

I know the excuses are coming, I have a thyroid condition, I have type 2 diabetes, I'm big boned, blah blah blah. I call bullshit!!! You're a huge bastard who eats their feelings. Go to a gym, or if you're too pathetic, get your own damn cart so the guy with cancer or arthritis doesn't have to ride in the race cart while you cruise around drinking a bucket of chicken and peeing in your fupa. F-U lazy assholes in your assholes!!!!

The Word "Exit" Has a Meaning!!!

2011-03-20T09:06:00.000-07:00

This is yet another discussion regarding the insanity of illiteracy. Why can't people read? Maybe there is some magical, invisible field surrounding all retail establishments, and as soon as someone passes through it...... "BAM!!!" - Their IQ takes an immediate 50% drop. Within seconds of passing through this force field, the ability to reason or think logically vanishes, and within a few more seconds the shopper is rendered completely incapable of reading!! That's the best theory I have come up with so far, but if you readers have a better one then Please Share!

I mean, people simply can't be SO RETARDED all day long can they?? Considering the complete lack of brain activity that customers exhibit in the store, it would then be logical to assume they could never leave the parking lot because they would have no idea how to turn their car on. They would hop around like monkeys slapping at their vehicle expecting to get lucky and get the engine running!
But wait, on second thought I HAVE seen lingering Obama bumper stickers on cars! Even NEW stickers!!! Now as we all know, anyone who put an Obama sticker on their car during the election campaign is a complete FREAKIN' IDIOT. Now IF those same morons DIDN'T realize their painfully obvious error and remove that sticker within the first 2 months of Obama presidency......they should give themselves a pat on the back for becoming a member of the most selective groups in existence: MOST RETARDED DUMB SHITS IN THE UNIVERSE. My point here is that these dipshits still manage to turn their car on. A Miracle! A great mystery for the ages!

So back to the main point. Every store in the US has multiple signs showing where the exits are (by law), and most have signs showing where the exit ISN'T. Every single day several asshat customers walk up to the door with GIANT, BRIGHT letters on it that spell, "NO EXIT." They walk up all confused like a politician in a church and assume that the door displaying "NO EXIT" must be broken..... Usually they have to be redirected to the EXIT doors which ALSO have giant letters that CLEARLY explain where they are.

What the hell, people?!? LEARN TO READ, IT COMES IN HANDY!!

By the way, "Politicians" is leading the way in my poll of which profession is MOST full of assholes!

People In The Way

2011-03-14T09:39:00.000-07:00

This applies not only to the perspective of a retail employee, but to anyone who shops, especially at grocery stores. First off, sometimes big machines like forklifts need to drive around the store to get shit done. They are big, and they are heavy, and if some retard customer got hit by one, his ass would be grass. THEREFORE: You would THINK that anyone who has ever had the teeny tiniest sparkle of common sense in their whole life would hear the loud beeping, the horn, and see the large colorful machine headed their direction and GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY. But no, these Christopher Reeve wannabe's just stand there in a coma fixated on whatever little trinket on the shelf they are staring at and will never buy. It would take a WHOLE 3 seconds for these drooling neanderthals to step back, let me pass, then continue to drool while trying to figure out what they are doing out of their retard cage in the first place.

These poop stains that mindlessly stand in the way of a forklift are the same stupid bitches that walk across the parking lot staring straight ahead and don't even slow down when walking past the area between the parking lot and the front entrance of the store - you know, where CARS DRIVE PAST FREQUENTLY!!!!!! What stupid, arrogant fools!! As if they expect to be like superman and have the cars bounce off them. Do what your failed parents SHOULD have taught you, and LOOK BOTH WAYS BEFORE YOU CROSS THE STREET!! Let the cars pass, THEN go on your merry way.

GET OUT OF THE WAY BITCH!
YOU AREN'T THE ONLY ONE IN
THE STORE!!!

"Excuse me, Helen Keller!!! Helloooooo?!?! Could you please move before I take great joy in flattening your dumb ass like a pancake?!!!"

The other retards in the grocery store are the ones bent over looking at Pasta-Roni, while their cart sits at an angle resting against the rice, thereby blocking the whole damn isle. Stay to one side morons!! Dont stick your fat ass out in the middle of the skinny aisle to look at something. IF someone is coming, MAKE SURE YOUR SHIT (cart, kids etc.) IS OUT OF THE WAY!!! Totally self-absorbed, inconsiderate worms.

That's what these idiots get for being in the middle of a
FREAKIN ROAD!!!

Better Things to Do Than Help Customers

2011-03-10T18:08:00.000-08:00

All Retail Stores Should Display
This Sign Up Front

Honestly, helping the helpless gets really old after about 20 minutes. In retail, if you do not find something to entertain yourself with you will go insane. I have seen it happen and I work with people that have been at this same shitty job for even longer than I....and their current mental state is truly terrifying. I can only assume that it will continue to decay for as long as they stay in retail until they become a ghost, a shell of a human.

SOOOO......with that said, let's take a look at some FAR more enjoyable and productive activities then helping idiot, retard, asshole customers:

#1 Making paper airplanes - It is great fun to grab some scrap paper (in a retail store ALL paper is scrap!) and make some airplanes to throw down the aisles! One guy watches for piece-of-shit power tripping managers, and the other launches his plane! Rank 3/5 on the "fun" scale.

#2 Throwing "knives" - We don't really use throwing knives at work (yet) but screwdrivers make excellent replacements! We throw them in all kinds of product boxes, but the best is light bulbs. You gotta try and make the screwdriver stick AND you get to hear the glass shatter! Rank 4/5 on the "fun" scale.

#3 Indoor snowballs - One of the benefits to living in Spokane is that it snows. Yeah, sometimes it sucks ass but when at work it can be entertaining. It's pretty simple to go outside and make a snowball, then bring it inside and launch it at the back of some douchebag employee's head. Then duck out of the way so he doesn't see you. Hilarious!!! Yes, it's the little things that count in the HELL that is retail. Rank 5/5 on the "fun" scale.

So those are just three minor fun things to do that ward off the inevitable insanity that comes from years of working retail because helping you dipshit customers absolutely sucks ASS!!

Also check out this great article about retail here: http://www.infobarrel.com/Should_You_Work_a_Retail_Job

It would be AWESOME if every stupid retard customer that walked in the store was instantly set ablaze....

The Daily Musings

2011-03-07T10:17:00.000-08:00

So I write about the idiocy of people as set examples, yet I don't think you non-retail workers out there really understand the mind-blowing frequency at which customers act like retards and a-holes. JUST YESTERDAY I had to deal with several morons that acted EXACTLY as described here in this blog. Here are just TWO retards that are in desperate need of euthanasia:

#1 A seriously stupid bitch was buying 3 wooden fence panels FOR HER HUSBAND, and even though there were nearly identical panels next to the ones she wanted for HALF-OFF, her butt-blasting husband on the phone insisted on the ones he told her to get. Now after me and a buddy haul these 6' x 6' panels all the way to the front of the store without ANY HELP from the bitch buying them, she says "I have a truck with a camper shell but these panels should fit without any problem." YOU DUMB WHORE. Not in a million years would these panels fit in a truck with a camper shell.

#2 Some fuckhead came in looking for an electric space heater (I guess nobody told him it's MARCH) and just would not take NO FOR AN ANSWER when I told him we don't have it anymore for the season. This deliberately beligerant sewer rat continued looking desperately all around on the shelves for what he wanted and reiterated what the heater looked liked, its cost etc. I should have said, "Listen dipshit, I know what you are looking for and we DO NOT HAVE IT you retarded rotten scab." What the customer DID say was, "Well is there someone else working here that might know if it got moved or put away for the season???"

Seriously, WTF is wrong with people? Retail really is the WORST JOB EVER.

Also, please vote on the new poll!

All Engineers Are Arrogant A-Holes....

2011-02-28T10:16:00.000-08:00

Everyone over age 6 should know that engineers are pricks. All of them, without exception. There's even 2 or 3 decent lawyers in the world (not in America of course, but elsewhere), but not with engineers. The hilarious part about these idiots is that they are so retarded. Completely braindead. Every time something is being explained to an engineers that is beyond their minimal abilities of comprehension, their immediate argument is presented thusly: "I'm an engineer." ALL HAIL THE ALMIGHTY ENGINEER!!

What a joke these clowns are. They must expect their unfortunate audience to bow low at the utterance of such High and Holy words as "I'm an engineer." What REALLY happens is that the engineer (most could never figure out tinker toys) is thought of as a complete moron, and correctly recognized as a 5-year-old know-it-all asshole in the body of a fat and ugly 45-year-old. They must teach in engineering school that arrogance towards smart people is the greatest virtue known to man.

I love it when cocky dickheads get slapped in the face with common sense. One time a weird looking asshat returned a basic lawn mower to my store I used to work at. He said it worked fine at first, then stopped. He said, "Now, I'm and engineer, and I know what it sounds like when an engine seizes up. I want a replacement." Well, instead of getting this retard a new mower, I spent about 20 seconds looking over this "seized" engine and came across the miraculous discovery that this dumb 'tard had the fuel line valve in the OFF position. Maybe instead of going to school to be an a-hole engineer, he should have learned how to read MANUALS.

IDIOT

Patience is a Virtue....

2011-02-24T20:02:00.000-08:00

.....unless you're the fucking retard asshole I had to deal with on Wednesday. I was walking by one of the many departments that I DO NOT WORK IN and this fucking bag of feces asks me if I work in that department. I respond, "No, actually the associate down the aisle here with a customer does, but I can try to assist you until he is finished." So this guy who happens to be accompanied by what appears to be a 5 year old little boy says, "Well follow me and see if you can find this fucking thing."

Immediately I am thinking "wow buddy nice language around the kid," but it's not my place to give parenting advice (I am not Michelle Obama). I follow this steaming pile of baboon semen to a shower display. The display has no signs on it or anything to let me know wtf it is or where it is, so I examine it and I start looking around at the shower bases to see if I could find it. Well I guess this asshole already tried that so instead of being civil about it, especially when he fully knows this is not my department, this cocksucker YELLS, "I already FUCKING looked here. why don't you use the GOD DAMN technology they give you to find what I FUCKING need?" First thing I think is, "where is this magical technology of which he speaks? And why is he so angry?"

I reluctantly continue to help this shit-for-brains sister-fucker and find a box for the shower wall and then I tell the guy I'm going to use the item number on this box to try and find the number for the base you need. Then he yells, "That's what I fucking said to do 10 minutes ago." So I walk away and leave this dickhead to himself because I'm not here to be treated like a piece of shit by some retarded fuck. If you people want "good customer service" the first step is to be a good customer. If you are a complete asshole I will not help you because I could give a shit less if you leave or tell on me or whatever. I have worked in this same hell-hole of a store since 2007 and have not had one complaint. If you think a manager will believe you when you whine and say I didn't help you good enough, you are mistaken. I will just say you were an asshole and no one will care. So if you're this asshole and you're reading this, then FUCK YOU, come back to the store when I'm on lunch and I can follow you next door and beat your fucking ass.

Prick.

Why Do Managers Power-Trip?

2011-02-23T18:29:00.000-08:00

It is a sincere question, something I have wondered for a while. Somehow, the biggest jackasses in the company get a promotion and suddenly they look down upon everyone else and think of themselves as gods. If one particular assistant manager at my store could grow a pair and act like a man for a brief couple of minutes, I would gladly take him outside and show him the error of his ways.

Seriously people, how many of you are managers at shitty, worthless jobs and think you are some kind of badass world leader? "You are nothing." Repeat that to yourself about 20 times per day to help decrease the swelling that has chronically infected your fat head. These arrogant manager pricks are one of the main causes (next to fuckface customers) of retail sucking so badly. So perhaps some of you could leave comments explaining your reasoning for retail managers to power-trip and thinking that they are "all that."

Complete fucking morons. If you work a horrible retail job, or ANY job, and your manager is a cocky donkey crap-sucking asshole pile of dirt bastard, please share this post on your facebook/myspace.

Thank You.

Don't Send Your Spouse....

2011-02-18T17:46:00.000-08:00

....Unless she is a smokin' HOT supermodel. Then it's ok to send your wife in so the whole store can follow her around taking photos with our cell phones (there's no joke there, it's one of our few forms of entertainment). OTHERWISE, I get so sick of someone trying to describe what their significant other said they saw at our store "when they were in here last week." I'd like to tell these putrid swamp creatures that they clearly made a poor choice in their mate. IF THEY SAW SOMETHING THEY WANTED THEY SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT IT WHEN THEY SAW IT!!! Idiots.

And I am not talking about Christmas time when people are buying presents, I'm talking about now.

These morons then babble on incoherently in a manner like so:
Moron Spouse: Hi, my husband sent me in here to get something....that we have to use in our basement? (Yes, in the form of a question as if I'M supposed to read her husband's mind. I'm pretty freakin' awesome but I don't read minds)

ME: Ooooookaayy..... are you finishing a basement or adding something to it??

Moron Spouse: Oh, well, we just started on it and we need....well he said it comes in a white container, does that help?

ME: Not in the slightest. What is this stuff that comes in a white container supposed to do?

Moron Spouse: Well..[dumb bitch proceeds to make hand motions since her ultra-minimal vocabulary prevents her from verbally putting together an accurate description]...oh now I remember, it keeps water out!

ME: Is it something you paint on, like Drylock??

Moron Spouse: Yes! Yes! That's it!

ME: Oh good, I'm glad we figured out what your retard husband should have bought last week. Unfortunately this is PETSMART and We Don't Carry Drylock!!! Want to buy a hamster?

Moron Spouse: Oh seriously?! Well I could have sworn he said it was here.....blah blah BLAAAAAHH

This shit happens all the time. Seriously. I know that you, my loyal readers, think that I may be exaggerating or making this up but sadly no.

BUY THE DAMN PRODUCT YOURSELF!! DON'T SEND YOUR SPOUSE!
Stupid people, it's truly a miracle that your brain can function just enough to get you out of the house, yet utterly fail you at all other tasks.

Last Day to Vote for Worst Job Ever!

2011-02-16T11:36:00.000-08:00

It is the last day of my poll and it appears that the clear winner for "worst job" is RETAIL!! Such a shocker!! The other jobs all pay better, and even the Animal Inseminator or Prison Janitor have less BULLSHIT to deal with then us retail workers. You know what makes retail worse than inseminator or janitor? THEY only have to deal with "animals" while WE have to deal with stupid frickin' people.

To you assholes that sit on your ass at a desk every day making $18+ an hour and whine that your job is soooooo hard/stressful/boring and that you don't get paid enough, I have this to say:

Work retail for a month and ANYONE will be grateful for the job they have. OR if you are on unemployment (thanks to corporate and government greed shipping all the jobs overseas), you will be grateful that you DON'T have a job if retail was your only choice!!

NOW, I have to cut this short and get ready for work because my cock-sucking assistant manager insists I work late today, then early tomorrow morning. My most sincere wish is for this boy-loving assface to be force-fed down his throat(with a long rusty rod wrapped in 80 grit sandpaper) a plethora of parasites including (but not limited to) fullgrown tapeworms, roundworm, hookworm, guinea worms, and ascaris worms until he gets the message that it is NOT "okay" to be a complete and total power-tripping asshole. Thank you very much.

Don't Come Here Looking for a Friend

2011-02-13T18:40:00.000-08:00

Some jackass customers come into the store, and all they want to do is shoot the breeze. Really? Because I don't want to talk to you and hear stories about your children or your favorite brand of adult diapers. It's a retail store. THAT means that you come here, buy what you need, and leave. That's all. Retail employees are not marriage counselors, we are not product engineers that designed every item the store carries, we are most definitely NOT your friend. I hear stuff from customers DAILY that I wouldn't tell to family or people that I've known for years. Some of these lonely fucks will ramble on and on about the stupidest things imaginable. Just the other day some creepy dude that was in more desperate need of a haircut than Chewbaca wasted 25 minutes of my time telling me about some shit that got stolen out of his garage last week.

I DON'T FUCKING CARE!!!!

Got it? No, you don't "got it," because it would require you to have powers of comprehension and reasoning beyond that of a mushroom. Another tiny-dicked retard customer spent FOREVER telling me about how ashamed he is of his son who ran off to Japan with some slut etc etc etc. WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU TELL STRANGERS SUCH PERSONAL INFORMATION?!?!

Freakin' bizarre weirdos.

I'm gonna ask the next half-wit customer that wastes my time telling me about his adventures in breeding hamsters all about his bank accounts and credit card information. If he's willing to tell me about every private detail of his life, why not his financial info? THEN, I'm going to take out all his money, and spend it on psychiatrists so he has someone to bullshit with instead of a retail employee.

No, That Chair WON'T Fit in Your Hatchback

2011-02-08T10:15:00.000-08:00

I probably haven't been as clear as I need to be about this in my blog, but customers are dumb. Really dumb. It seems almost every one of them thinks that their little coupe can hold just about any sized object in it.

"I'm sorry ma'am, but I'm pretty sure this loveseat and coffee table will NOT fit in your Toyota Tercel (even IF we turn it sideways)."
"Really?? Oh you wouldn't believe what I've fit in that thing! I bet if we turn it sideways we can get it in there ok."
"That's what she said!! LOL!!"
"Excuse me?"
"Never mind. Sure, let's see if we can fit it."

Now OBVIOUSLY the loveseat and coffee table won't fit in her Tercel, but since the retard customer asked, I have to oblige. The lazy bitches almost never push the carts up to the register on their own in the first place, it is YOUR purchase, YOU PUSH!! It's like going into a bar, sitting down, asking for a beer, then saying, "Would you mind lifting that beer up to my lips so I can drink it?" The immediate response I would EXPECT from such bullshit is, "Fuck you, you shit-burger with extra cheese! Drink Your beer Yourself!!"

So we finally make it to this pathetic whore's tiny car, and not ONLY would I require an axe and an industrial-sized wood chipper to fit her shit in there, she also just came from the grocery store and her car is packed with full bags (if she's a fat-ass, the bags are usually overflowing with chips, soda and cookies). You would think at this point she would say, "Oh I guess we really can't fit that in there! Oh darn, you were right! Since you do this every day I should have realized you knew what you were talking about!" But no, she proceeds to start rearranging her shit in the same way you could move stuff around in a one-car apartment garage to fit a semi-truck in there. NOT!!

THIS WILL NOT FIT IN THIS:

Freakin mental midgets. Borrow a damn pickup. If you don't know anyone with a pickup, Uhaul is right down the street.

SO, if we retail employees tell you that your couch/grill/oven/refrigerator/desk WILL NOT fit in anything smaller than a pickup, LISTEN!!!!

Customer Service

2011-02-05T11:22:00.000-08:00

Customer service is fine, but too much of it pisses me off. I went into the local mall recently to possibly buy some jewelry for my girlfriend's birthday, and the dumb bitches at the counter wouldn't leave me alone when I said the magic words: "Just looking." As someone that works a shitty retail job, I LOVE IT when someone says, "Just looking." It means I can go back to what I was doing instead of holding the hand of some whiny bitch that's too pathetic to get what THEY want on their OWN. By the way, when we retail slaves ask if you want help, we don't really mean it. I don't want to help a single one of you retard butt-pirates.

HOWEVER, this dumb jewelry bitch followed me and said, "Great! What are you looking for?" Fuck off whore, in case you didn't know, "Just looking" means get the fuck away from me. So naturally I stopped looking immediately and went elsewhere. I don't want to do my shopping with some stranger behind the counter that will try and sell me something I don't want or need. I will look and if I want to hold something I will get your attention. So the best way to Lose A Sale is to cling on to my every movement like a swollen tumor. Stop acting like a damn used car salesman.

At MY store, we are required to do nothing except help dipshit, asshole customers for a part of the day. Yeah, insane. Most of the time there aren't any customers around so I'm required to do nothing. THEN management bitches and cries when stuff doesn't get done, and their earthworm-sized minds can't ever figure out why.

In conclusion, HELP YOURSELF.

And then help ME by clicking on the damn Google ads!

What's a Barcode? What Do They Do??

2011-02-01T10:48:00.000-08:00

Retail cashiers are typically not the brightest people on earth, but compared to the average impatient customer, they can appear to be Stephen Hawking trying to explain to a stubborn 3rd grader why 3 + 3 = you-are-a-fucking-retard.

I don't know why this phenomenon exists, but customers that suck donkey dick seem to think that if the item they want to buy is missing its barcode, they can just tell the cashier what the price it, pay their money, and go on their merry way. Sorry assfuckers, it doesn't work that way. Maybe it did when you were 16 years old buying a candy bar at your uncle's convenience store in southern Georgia, but it isn't 1946 anymore and things are different. Big stores keep track of something called "inventory," and we can't just type in "50 feet of 14/2 wiring at...how much did you say it costs again sir? Oh, ok $.03 a foot." Right, because people would NEVER EVER lie to get something cheaper...... Every item has to be scanned so our system knows that we sold it. It is easier than counting 10's of thousands of items every single day. Every item has a number and a UPC. If you brought up something without either one, it is back to end of the line you go. Deal with it.

Certain asshole customers that seriously need a sledge hammer to their mothers face for failing so completely at parenting, will whine and complain that it is somehow the cashier's fault that the barcode fell off. No dipshit, maybe you should call the company that made the product you are trying to buy and tell them that they should use a better adhesive when applying the barcode. They will probably tell you to shut up and get a life. Maybe they'll say you should go to Africa and find out for yourself if Hippos really are more dangerous than Crocs. I'm sure all the fat in your head where the brain is supposed to be would make a nice meal.

People that don't understand barcodes are the same people that need signs like this.
The same people that need a warning on their coffee telling them its hot.

Why Can't You Morons Take "NO" For an Answer?!

2011-01-27T16:48:00.000-08:00

It's the most bizarre thing in the world to tell a customer "NO, we do not have what you want" only to hear them continue to ask the same question in several different ways. OR, they act SHOCKED and in total disbelief that we don't stock EVERYTHING in the world! Amazing!

The best is when they've been told "NO" and then they continue to describe (with the irritating clarity of a dyslexic child reading Beowulf upside down at a rave) the item they are looking for.

"No sir, we don't sell parts to repair your 1997 HP printer."

"But you sell HP right? You carry that brand don't you."

"Yes we do, and I know this may sound really strange but we don't carry every part for every HP unit ever made."

"Really? That's so weird. Wow, do you know where I could find parts?"

"I would try calling HP (you complete retard)."

"Oh that's a good idea, do you think you can get ahold of them for me and get prices? Here, I'll give you my number to call me back at...(customers really do this shit, no joke)"

"Absolutely. Would you like me to do all the rest of your shopping for you also? Perhaps I could come over and wipe your ass for you since you are such a pathetic waste of life."

Listen, bitches. NO means NO. If we don't carry whatever bullshit little trinket you are looking for, just say thank you and go away. On rare occasions we can order what you want, but that's a pain in the ass and I don't want to do it, so get the hell away from me. Customers are like little children that never grew up. They're used to asking mommy for a candy bar and when she says no, they keep asking and asking.
"Yes retard customer, if you ask me the same damn question 6 more times, I will magically conjure up whatever you need!!" Idiots.

Some ass-clowns are so freakin imbecilic, that after they ask you about something and don't get the answer they want, they go find someone else to ask the same question to. What really pisses me off is when a shithead customer asks me about product in MY area and then doesn't like the answer I give him, so the dumb fuck goes and finds someone else to ask, who then CALLS ME and asks the same dumb question I already answered.

These pieces of filth bring to mind an image of a giant turd taking a giant shit of a turd even bigger. I know it doesn't make sense, but neither do you unbelievable primates who cant accept "NO."

Read the fucking description!

2011-01-24T23:52:00.000-08:00

How hard is it to read a fucking sign??! Very difficult a retail employee might assume, with the cornicopia of illiterate goons that hobble through stores every day, unaware that the product they grabbed was in the wrong spot, now they want a discount because they can't read.

It is inconceivable how many people can't grasp the concept that maybe another fucking idiot similar to themselves moved the product from its actual place to a random location and therefore is not the stores fault. If you see a cordless drill and the label on the beam says $2.98 and the description says "60 WATT LIGHTBULB", chances are the drill is in the WRONG FUCKING SPOT.

You can manage to read the price, not the description and even remember it 30 minutes later when the brain dead cashier calls me and asks me if the drill is really $2.98 because it comes up $174.99 and that you ( the fucking ass-fingering dickhead fuck customer ) could swear it said $2.98. I say "NO, its $174.99" and now the all-knowing fucktard wants to meet me in the aisle on a retard quest to prove me wrong. Well listen here ass spelunker, you're going to fail and you're going to look even stupider than Helen Keller finger painting.

The other idiots are the ones who can't figure out that, given the product is in the correct location, the label is typically below the product and they constantly ( I mean constantly ) look at the label above it or in very special occasions the label next to the label underneath it. This goes back to reading the description, I know its so fucking exacerbating. If you only knew how to read you could identify the correct label with ease. Say you're looking at gloves and you wonder how much they are. First step: look for the word GLOVE or GLOVES. You might shout, "Oh no!! Almost all these labels say glove or gloves, due to the fact that the gloves I want are in a bay full of gloves!!" Well fear not crack baby because now we have identified the noun and can move on to adjectives. Color, material, type ( like garden or chemical ), and quanity are all good ways to determine which one is associated with your gloves. If they're leather look for that!! If they are covered in human feces because you used them to pull your head out of your ass, then congratulations shithead, you can now breathe the fresh stupid which you have sweat out all over the aisle.

So in conclusion, learn how to read. Go home and watch reading rainbow and maybe Toby's overly excited ass can push some of the excrement out of your dumbo ears and replace it with knowledge.

It Does SOO Much Good to Complain to ME! Retail Sucks

2011-01-23T09:38:00.000-08:00

Why on earth do you stupid motherfuckers think you can do any good by complaining to the guy on the salesfloor, or to the cashier?

"Really? We're out of stock on someonething you want?? Dear GOD, Call the President!!"

Some creepy old retard was in the store the other day because his driveway cleaner was "supposed" to have arrived last week. It didn't. BUT instead of just getting over it and going to any one of the 15 stores in a quarter-mile radius that carry the same exact product, this pig-fucker decides to whine and cry like a bitch, complaining on and on to the guy who simply CHECKED IF WE HAD THE PRODUCT, AS IF HE HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH:

- Driving the freight truck
- Regional merchandising
- Inventory control
- Or playing any part WHATSOEVER with the process of getting product into the store

Furthermore, the victim of this cry-baby fudgepacker, could not care LESS about whether a product is in stock or not. And whining and complaining about it like you are the center of the world just gives all retail employees that warm fuzzy feeling inside because the ASSHOLE didnt get what he wanted. FUCK YOU. I hope we NEVER stock that damn driveway cleaner again. To say it again, THE WORLD DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND YOU AND YOUR NEEDS! See this post here: Rude and Arrogant Bastards.

You serial goat-rapists that complain to everyone who has nothing to do with your grossly insignificant issues, are the same dumb fucks that scream and cuss at phone receptionists because you THINK your bank account is $.30 off. Listen dipshit, the person answering your phone call does not personally go in and mess up your account balance. YOU just fucked up and cant add. IF there really does happen to be a genuine issue with your balance, the receptionist HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT! Maybe you should be calling the local morgue instead, and telling them you are about to drop dead from an overload of self-inflicted stupidity.

It is a common theme in this blog that if you lack the reasoning abilities of fried shrimp, you should shut the fuck up.

"It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."

STOP ASKING FOR DISCOUNTS!

2011-01-20T22:18:00.000-08:00

I cannot even count how many of you fucking idiots think that a retail store is a god damn swap meet or a pawn shop. I'm not here to negotiate a price with you numbnuts, you pay what the fucking sign says or you can fucking leave. I do not care if you spend more money than you can count on both hands, it doesn't qualify you for a discount. Here's an example:

RETARD: Hey guy if I buy this grill ( usually the cheapest piece of shit we have ) could you throw in a cover or give me a "deal" on a rotisserie?

ME: No.

RETARD: Well this guy at another store was gonna give me 10% off on this same grill. ( lies lies lies most stores do not carry the same products for this exact reason )

ME: Sorry I'm not going to give a discount.

RETARD: :'( ( crying and either buys it because he was lying or leaves )

Does this same cheap ass idiot go to the grocery store, buy two packages of hot dogs and ask the cashier to throw in the buns? Probably not. I can't even count the amount of times you fucking broke ass morons ask for a discount.

Just today a retard lady asked if she could get a discount on an item because it was $250.00, wooooohooooo big fucking spender everyone look out!! This broke cunt's wallet is about to explode!!
Even worse than those people are the fucking cum dumpsters that ask for the sale price on an item 3 months after the sale ended or they say " I was in here last year with my assisted living chaperon and this was $5 less than it is now. Can I get it for $5 off? "
FUCK YOU SHITBAG!!!!!
Try this, go to a gas station and tell the clerk that in 2001 the gas price was $1.98 and that it is now $3.21 and that you want it for $1.98. He will laugh at you because you are retarded. It's called inflation jackasses and its very simple, the cost to make x product increases so it costs more for stores to buy x product ( that's correct stores do have to buy things. They don't magically appear ) so stores charge more for x product. Stop bitching about the price! Stop asking for discounts! Stop asking for sale prices after the sale is over! I wish all of you asshats would find a nice parking spot on a train track and take a nap!!!

The Always Famous and Unpopular Ass Kisser

2011-01-15T08:45:00.000-08:00

So I suppose every company has at least one token shit-talker that works hard at trying to seal their lips around the rotten asshole of the senior manager(s). These lowlife cocksuckers work hard at NOT working by weaseling themselves into the lower intestines of their supervisors and therefore help direct the negative finger-pointing towards people who are actually busy getting shit done. At MY store, one of the few butt-suckers is in his late 50's but has the mind of a 6-year-old girl who has been fed drops of LSD since birth, and this royal douche feels the need to tattle-tale on anyone HE thinks is not doing what they should do whether it is any of his business or not. Now if YOU reading this are one of those types, I have an experimental cure for your condition:

1) Withdraw all your money from the bank.
2) Find a seamstress.
3) Find an angry rhinoceros or hippo that eats way to much.
4) Since you like kissing ass so much, give all your money to the seamstress to permanently sew your lips around the asshole of the wild beast you found, until the creature's shit has entirely filled up every pore, crevice and cavity within your body.

OR, if that is too difficult for your brown eye seeking brain to handle, try reenacting the movie 'The Human Centipede' with your obese wife and 13 children. Here's a diagram:

Congratulations fucktard, YOU have earned the prestigious 'super-bitch-that-never-grew-up-award'! On the food chain you fall somewhere between donkey droppings and mosquitoes, and are dumber than both. Here's how a typical conversation between SBTNGU (super bitch that never grew up) and the store manager goes:

SBTNGU: Waahhhh!!! WAAHHH!!!!! MOMMY!!!
Manager: I see, I see. And tell me how great and wonderful I am again please.
(this repeats several times)

This cock gobbler thinks so highly of himself I bet he lays in bed with his dipshit of a cow-wife and says, "You are such a lucky woman to get to lay next to the department head of a retail store. You should cherish these moments because I'll soon (hopefully - ed.) be dead from sucking in 50+ years of shit to get to where I am today."
Obviously 'pathetic' is the first word that comes to mind. Yep, Mr. SBTNGU is sure proud of himself for finally kissing enough ass that he now can be in charge of 8 people. Wow, pretty impressive there pal. Would you like a throne and a crown to wear at work while you're busy being a worthless bag of vomit?
Fuck You.

Waiting For You......