Blogxploitation

The Idea of Tolerance

noreply@blogger.com (Blogxploitation) — Sun, 29 Nov 2015 20:35:00 +0000

Here’s a thing about Aamir Khan. He, either accidentally or by design, manages to bring attention to things that most people merely pay lip service to. Lagaan changed our outlook towards Oscars, Rang De renewed our sense of civic justice and Ghajini made Christopher Nolan more famous in Tohana than Dark Knight ever could. Though I don’t fully agree with his remarks last week, I hope they prove to be a similar catalyst in contextualizing what ‘intolerance’ really means to the average Indian. What defines tolerance? Do we have a unit to measure it with? Also, if intolerance is increasing – as felt by Aamir Khan – how do you gauge its incremental value over time? Can you use time series analysis or apply Tableau storyboard to visualize any marked changes in the last 7-8 months? That’s probably a topic for another day or the premise of Satyamev Jayate’s next season premier.

I just want to touch upon this issue from two aspects: the idea of intolerance in India and its correlation with time. While our tolerance level towards some of the most contemptible and regressive behavior has surpassed Gandhian proportions, we tend to generously save our disgust for all the hapless people, places, animals and things.

Let’s see some of the use cases for the benevolent Indian tolerance. In last 30 years, our threshold for corruption in public office has risen from a minuscule 67 Cr (Bofors) to an excel-crashing figure of 1.76 L Cr (2G). A few weeks back, we voted to bring back to power an illiterate man, who was just convicted in a 20-year-old scam for embezzling funds originally meant to purchase fodder in Bihar, India’s poorest state. This man, in his previous stint as the chief minister, used to run an official kidnapping/extortion racket in his beloved state. We have absolutely no issues with giving him a second chance in Bihar with that thumping victory. Far from being persona non-grata, our man was throughout the darling of the English media, which treated him the same way Abbas-Mustan treats Johnny Liver in his films – a comic relief for their audience. This in my view is the living testimony of our tolerance and forgiveness.

We are also extremely tolerant of cricketers involved in match fixing, especially an ex-cricketer who was found guilty of fixing while captaining the Indian cricket team in the 90s. Yes, ‘leading from the front’ means different things to different people. What did we do after he was caught? Far from sending him to jail (apparently there was no anti-match fixing law back then), we conveniently banned him from playing cricket for life and turned him into a martyr. Then we elected him as Member of Parliament and now making a Bollywood biopic on his life. The tolerance bar goes up a few notches when you see Emran Hashmi of all people enacting him on screen and the fact that people will throng to theaters to watch him making a complete mockery of the leg-glance. Quite a show of tolerance I say in a country where cricket is supposedly a religion.

Moving ahead, I would say we also have immense tolerance for a regressive Sharia law that deprives a 62-year-old divorced Muslim woman of basic maintenance that she’s entitled to from her ex-husband. Can’t think of any other modern democracy that allows its citizens the flexibility of choosing between two sets of laws as per convenience.

While we encourage freedom of expression and creativity by allowing Sajid Khan school of cinema (for over-grown kids and other deranged people) to blossom but we stop the release of an Oscar-worthy, hard-hitting indie film (Black Friday) about India’s first terror attacks lest the perpetrators lose out on a fair trial.

This idea of tolerance in India has a Dr Jackle/Mr. Hyde angle to it. One seamlessly blends into the other. It’s like watching the Insaaf trilogy below. You don’t know where one film ends and the other starts. You actually don't care as long as some 'Insaaf' is being down somewhere. They're all the same. And they're all damn good.

Let me now come to my second point – how this weird idea of tolerance has evolved over time? Sticking with movie analogy, I will pick up Mughal-e-Azam. Considered a jewel of Indian cinema, Mughal-e-Azam was first released in 1960. It showed Akbar, the Mughal emperor, married to Jodha Bai, a Rajput princess (a warrior Hindu class), only reiterating what was taught to us in our school history textbooks. Nothing different here. Fast forward to 2008, when its intellectually malnourished version ‘Jodha-Akbar’ hit the screens and ran straight into legal troubles. A certain community thought it misrepresented history. A history that was never challenged all these years was suddenly found offensive. Releasing around the same time, the little known ‘Billu Barber’ had to cut down the ‘barber’ from its title because a subsection of professional barbers was offended and sued the film producer. Their charge was that they found the word ‘barber’ insulting. They wanted to be called ‘hair-stylists’.

Given our fast growing tendency to take offense to just about anything, I’m pretty sure that if Jaane Bhi Do Yaaron were to be released today, the epic Mahabharat scene in the climax would be sent to gallows. Frankly, it could be any random reason: someone decides on behalf of the whole country that you shouldn’t be laughing because cheer-haran is not a laughing matter; someone else would feel that it’s dangerous to transport Akbar & Salim in Pandav’s court and violate the space-time continuum. I am not even ruling out a ban to stop visually disturbing images of Draupadi’s chest hair.

It is not to say that creative freedom of speech has suddenly been curtailed. I recently came to know that the legendary Kishore Kumar was banned from national radio in 1975 after he refused to sing at an Indira Gandhi rally. I can’t see any of the Khans being meted out such a treatment today. The point is that we are who we are, irrespective of the government. If you still don’t believe me, click here for the earth-shattering breaking news that will forever change the way you have marital discourse at home.

Every society has varying levels of tolerance for different things. While you can speak your mind on religion and get away in the West, your remarks on issues such as racism and sexism would elicit far stronger rebuke. For the US and largely the West, these are issues with far greater relevance in today’s time and age and hence, it has rightly chosen a relatively low tolerance threshold to deal with them.

India needs to choose what is relevant for it in the 21st century and, more importantly, stick to it. If cow is a sacred animal, then stealing its fodder should be blasphemous too. If beef is sacrosanct then exporting it commercially should be sacrilegious too. Also, if cow is like your mother then why treat the poor buffalo in such a step-motherly fashion? It almost reeks of outright racism going all the way back to Rig Vedas.

Finally, the irony of this whole issue can’t be captured better than seeing the tolerance debate being moderated by the guy who happens to be the most intolerant person in the living history of Primetime television.

Here’s leaving you with an intolerance box plot – an MBA’s attempt to capture the social problem with statistical tools.

Jai Hind!

Frankly Speaking With Rahul Gandhi (The Unseen Footage)

noreply@blogger.com (Blogxploitation) — Wed, 05 Feb 2014 12:54:00 +0000

Just minutes before the cameras rolled, senior Congress leader, Jairam Ramesh is seen briefing Rahul Gandhi for one last time while Ajay Maken stands nearby, putting up a fake smile and extending a glass of water every time the Gandhi scion turns his head nonchalantly towards him and noticing neither his smile nor the glass. Arnab Goswami finally walks into the hall with his make up in place and the trademark samosa knot of his tie shining through. As the lights are adjusted and camera man starts reversing in 5-4-3-2-1, sister Priyanka gives one final thumps-up to her brother from behind the crew. The biggest political interview of independent India is now underway:

Arnab Goswami (AG): Rahul, thank you very much. It’s great to have you on Frankly Speaking. It’s been ten years as an MP for you… (Rahul looks up at the ceiling, while counting on his fingertips) and it’s your first interview? What took you so long?

Rahul Gandhi (RG): Well…I’ve always believed that patience is virtue, and virtue is grace, and grace was the name of the girl I fell in love with as a child. (pops out a dimpled smile)

AG: Mr. Gandhi, I have a request for you to be as specific as possible with your answers. Do I have your agreement on this?

RG: Well, of course, in a democracy everyone has the right to agree to disagree.

AG: Let me ask you a direct question then – are you scared to take on Narendra Modi one on one?

RG: If you try to understand what Rahul Gandhi is, you’ll know what Rahul Gandhi is scared of and what he’s not.

AG: May I ask you why are you addressing yourself in 3^rd person?

RG: Because it helps me take an objective view of myself.

AG: Well, taking an objective view, tell me how is Mr. Modi in 2002 any different from your late father in 1984?

RG: My father is different because he brought computers to India. And that is a fact nobody can deny. In my opinion, he was the Steve Jobs India never had!

AG: Why are you evading my question?

RG: Rahul Gandhi doesn’t evade questions. Who do you think brought the RTI?

AG: Ok, if you don't wanna be specific, then you leave me no choice but ask you unsparingly direct questions. How do you justify your father’s comment, ‘When a big tree falls, earth shakes’?

RG: It's wrong to call it a comment. It is Newton's unstated fourth law of motion.

AG: Would you care to expound on that?

RG: You see Arnab, I didn’t compare my dad to Steve Jobs for nothing. Newton discovered that when earth shakes, apple falls. This discovery later inspired Jobs to found Apple Inc. which in turn inspired my dad to re-draw the analogy and express what Newton always wanted mankind to discover but never stated it explicitly. Very few people have the intellectual curiosity to acknowledge scientific occurrences the way my father used to. By saying ‘when a tree falls, earth shakes’, he has simply upheld the Fundamental Duty in Article 51 A of our constitution that seeks development of scientific thinking and spirit of inquiry.

AG: He said, ‘when a BIG tree falls…’ clearly he implied something more to it than just scientific thinking when he said ‘big’.

RG: That’s just an adjective. You are reading too much into it.

AG: Are you sure it's just an adjective?

RG: I think so! Well, it could it be an adverb or pronoun as well...I don't know frankly.

AG: Mr. Gandhi, your education credentials have been a matter of great speculation. You say you’ve been to Cambridge. I was myself a visiting fellow at Cambridge for a short while. I distinctly remember the Economics Professor there had a notorious German shepherd which everyone on campus would make nasty jokes about. Mr. Gandhi, the nation wants to know today that if you really spent a year in Cambridge, whether you can recite one of those jokes or at least the name of that dog?

RG (takes a long pause with a dimpled smile): It was not a dog. It was actually a bitch.

AG: What was her name?

RG: That's not the point. You need to look at the bigger picture...

AG: What was her name?

RG: Her name is not important. What is important is her empowerment. How safe she feels walking around the campus in Cambridge.

AG: Mr. Gandhi, the nation demands to know her name..!! Please tell me the name if you know it.
RG: Senorita... I used to call her that.

AG (gets up and shouts): Mr. Maken, please stop whispering answers to Mr. Gandhi from behind his chair and come outside. You may not like to hear this but our cameras can clearly catch your words and even a part of your behind which is protruding from sides of the chair.
Coming back to the interview, Mr. Gandhi, tell me what is your stand on India’s policy on Kashmir vis-à-vis Pakistan?

RG: Well, the Congress party has a very clear and well-defined policy on Kashmir. I believe that when you choose Pervez Rasool for the Indian cricket team and then make him sit on the bench for the whole series, you are playing with fire.

AG: What’s that got to do with Kashmir?

RG: Everything! To stake our claim, we need to play Rasool before Pakistan plays him in its eleven.

AG: Interesting… Cricket diplomacy?

RG (looks at the camera with dimpled smile): No, I call it inclusive diplomacy. It’s all about empowering the youth, opening the system and increasing the LPG cylinders from 9 to 12.

AG: And that’s your Kashmir policy?

RG: Absolutely.

AG: Including the LPG cylinders bit?

RG: Absolutely.

AG: You have completed ten years in politics, Mr. Gandhi. What do you think is your biggest achievement so far?

RG (Long pause with a dimpled smile)

AG: Mr. Gandhi?

RG: Yes?

AG: If you were to pick your biggest achievement so far, would it be – (a) 2009 UPA victory, (b) your first parliamentary speech or (c) the famous tearing down of the ordinance?

RG: Between these three options, it has to be the RTI.

AG: But I didn’t even say RT…

RG: You see, if Rahul Gandhi’s father was Steve Jobs, Rahul Gandhi is the Larry Page. My father brought us computers, I am bringing search results to the common man. We are creating an ecosystem here.

AG: So this is the ‘system’ you’ve been speaking so frequently about?

RG: Absolutely

AG: But Mr. Gandhi on one hand you talk so emphatically about the ‘system’, on the other hand, your critics accuse you of diminishing the stature of the Prime Minister’s Office by ridiculing his cabinet decision in public. They say you’ve downgraded and lowered the position of PMO.

RG: I don’t think so. In fact, I’m the one who has always advocated that the PMO be uplifted from the South Block to the North Block. So the accusation of lowering the PMO is laughable.

AG: Mr. Gandhi, with this we come to the last leg of your interview, and it's called the rapid fire round. So brace yourself for these quickies.

RG (Big smile): Wow! Just like that Karan Johar show! Do I get a coffee hamper too?

AG: Sorry, you need at least two people to contest for the hamper. You're solo today.

RG: Duh... Anyways, go ahead..shoot!

AG: Do you think Ashok Chavan and Akshok Kumar are the same guys?

RG: Can't say for sure...but an RTI inquiry can tell you that.

AG: And what about Pervez Rasool and Rasool Pookutty?

RG: Do I need to say it again? Do your RTI

AG: Do you yourself know how information is sought through RTI and how the whole process works?

RG: Again, you can use the RTI to find out how the RTI works.

AG: What if RTI were actually a private start-up founded by you? Given its popularity, do you think it could have been a bigger IPO success than even Facebook and Twitter?

RG: Now that's a tricky one! I think I am gonna personally put this query to RTI this time. Makenji, can you start working on the paper work as soon as the interview is over? Thanks.

Mr. Gandhi looks at the camera for a split second and smiles.

AG: You know Mr. Gandhi, I have met some funny guys in my life but you’ve been quite a revelation today. I’m a very serious journalist and have tried my best to draw you back to specifics by asking straight, direct questions. And I must say that you did exceedingly well in taking them on. It has been a long interview and I wont be surprised if your throat has dried up. Would you like some water?

RG: I want a Pepsi!

(The History of Nokia) - 2.0

noreply@blogger.com (Blogxploitation) — Tue, 03 Sep 2013 12:38:00 +0000

"Pchchch...if only they'd thought about it 15 years ago, things could have been so remarkably different..." - Random thought.
Still, better late than never. Link

Fire in Babylon - An Education

noreply@blogger.com (Blogxploitation) — Sun, 30 Sep 2012 13:59:00 +0000

Somewhere in the middle of Fire in Babylon, Viv Richards, batting without a head gear tries to hook a vicious bouncer but the ball comes too fast on him and hits him on his face. The Amarnaths and the Vengsarkars of this world would have been down after a pounding like that but the King is standing tall, undeterred and unmoved. Without showing a hint of pain or even a shrug of his head, he stares back at the bowler as if asking him, ‘Is that all you got?’. Bowler turns back to his run up as if to convey, 'Hold on, there's more coming'. He comes in steaming and again pitches in short. Richards repeats the same shot, this time sending it sailing over fine leg for a six, which should ideally have been an eight.
The crowd cheers in awe. You feel the same way. In the words of Viv Richards, "It is the history that you never forget."

Back in 1998, during one of my school summer vocations, I remember how eagerly I was awaiting the West Indies tour of South Africa to commence. The 5-Test match series was billed as the most keenly anticipated cricket series in a long-long time, especially with the whole socio-cultural African backdrop coming into play. But the series turned out to be a damp squib as the Windies were literally whitewashed 5-0 by the Proteas and barely managed to avoid the double ignominy in the subsequent ODIs where they were thrashed 1-6. I distinctly remember reading a Viv Richards interview in the aftermath of the disastrous African safari, where he was asked how he thought his own West Indies team from the mid-80s would have fared against the all-conquering South African team of Hansie Cronje. Richards replied with a child-like nostalgic excitement, "It would have been a great series...Oh man...I would have loved it. With our fast bowlers having a go at their batting, our batsmen taking on their bowlers...it would have been some contest." Having read about the long lasting West Indian dominance for years, I could understand back then what he meant when he compared the two sides but didn't quite realize the essence of it. After seeing Steven Riley's Documentary feature Fire in Babylon, I totally get it. And with my little found insight into the West Indian heydays, I am not sure if Cronje's side of 1998, for all its clinical brilliance and methodical efficiency, would've been able to avoid a similar 'Blackwash' against the West Indian side, that is shown in full glory, sweat and blood in the motion picture.

Fire in Babylon shows the causes and effects of the unbelievable rise of West Indian cricket and how it played a role in overcoming years of subjugation and racial abuse at the hands of their colonial masters. It revisits that era of cricket history and underlines its political implications in the way you have never seen or felt before. The rise of West Indies was seen as the rise of Black Power that unleashed a battery of demigods who'd strike down upon the forces of white prejudice with "great vengeance and furious anger".

Foremost among them is the towering figure of Vivian Richards – who looks as rocking in his interview excerpts as he does in the adrenaline pumping vintage footage. One always knew that the man is a legend, murderer of fast bowling and stuff like that. What FIB does is to give color, perspective and story to his larger than life persona. When you see the role he played in fostering racial, national and regional pride in West Indians each time he walked in to bat, each time he saw eye-to-eye with the intimidating white bowlers before he smacked them into oblivion, each time he took a political stand (against the WI Board for equal wages as white players or refusing a blank cheque offer to play for the rebel WI squad in S.Africa during Apartheid). He was the protagonist of the Black Power that was crusading towards unprecedented cricketing heights. He made his people believe that something as first-rate, undisputed and unchallenged as their brand of cricket could emerge from a group of supposedly 3rd world countries. In a subliminal way, you will also realise why Neena Gupta or any other actress who acknowledged his courage and manliness would give her right arm or left breast or both for having a child out of wedlock with the man like him and cherish that forever. If somebody told you that for an average West Indian he was no less a figure than the great Muhammed Ali or Pele, you would gladly believe so.

Don't Funk With My Heart

That’s not all. With Holding, Roberts, Marshall, Garner, Greenidge, Haynes, each reliving his glory years, FIB is a treasure trove of cricket memorabilia. Though you do wish to have someone like an Imran Khan or a Gavaskar to turn up on screen and speak of those times from a neutral perspective, but then it might have diluted the message from where it was coming.

You do, however, stumble upon some archive material which is as riveting and engaging as anything you have possibly come across. Like, you have no idea how fast Jeff Thompson really was until you see him throw one thunderbolt after another on the hapless West Indian batsmen on that wretched '76 tour. You wonder if Shoaib Akhtar would even come close to him in sheer pace. You also wonder how mentally strong Clive Lloyd's side really was to be able to come back from that position of mental and physical torture and then rule the game for the next 20 years. You feel the adrenaline rush when Michael Holding sends Tony Greig's stumps cartwheeling and the sinking realisation from the English side about the ill fated 'grovel' comment. You wonder how the West Indies today have traveled full circle and come back to where it started from in the 60s - Calypso Cricketers - those who can entertain but can't win. And finally, you wonder whether Indian hockey too needs a Fire in Babylon to stir up the dying spirits.

Coalgate: Let Us C+++

noreply@blogger.com (Blogxploitation) — Sun, 26 Aug 2012 11:32:00 +0000

If Kaala Patthar (1979) were to made today, the heartless tyrant Prem Chopra would pick himself to be the Coal Minister. Shashi Kapoor, who plays the considerate mining engineer in the movie, would don the role of the honest, able and competent Coal Secretary who foresees the windfall gains in making by private companies and presses the right buttons, only to be shunted by his bosses. Amitabh Bachchan, the savior of the poor miners (the common man in this case) will play the daredevil CAG and take on the corrupt system single handedly. And finally, Shatrughan Sinha’s Mangal – the convict with an attitude problem – would find himself in the shoes of BJP, the principal opposition that itself has a less than virtuous past (as far as illegal coal mining and reported liaison with certain Reddy brothers go) and now finds it too convenient to shout ‘Khamosh’ to the government and walk out of the Parliament without a debate.

But unlike the linear narrative of Kaala Patthar, it is interesting to see how the ball was hit to and fro by Prem Chopra and Co. (PMO and the coal ministry here) in this ingenious game of procrastination that lasted for over 8 years, starting in 2004, while coal blocks were being allotted to private companies cherry picked by the government. The moment CAG report came out, BJP went all hammer and tongs over it, calling for nothing short of the Prime Minister's head.

Congress: "When there's no coal production, where's the loss?"
BJP: "You used the same logic in 2G and the subsequent auctions proved you wrong."
Cong: "We were only carrying forward a policy that was prevalent in NDA govt."
BJP: "The demand for coal had risen drastically since you came to power. It was your govt which introduced the competitive bidding process and then cleverly buried it under the bureaucratic process to grant allocations to hand picked companies."
Cong: "The CAG is violating his authority by questioning govt. policy."
BJP: “He's rightly questioning the inexplicable delay of 8 years in allocation of coal blocks."
Cong: "It was your own state govt. which objected to the idea of competitive bidding. Hence, the delay."
BJP: "It is Centre’s prerogative to allocate national resource."
Cong: "The State representative was still part of the decision committee."
BJP: "Centre still remains supreme. States are mere recommenders. Centre can’t pass the buck."
Cong: "Why don't you debate it in the Parliament?"
BJP: "Debating over this issue is a waste of time. We dont want any JPC or PAC....we only want the resignation of the Prime Minister. The way Raja went, he has to go too. "
Cong: "You don't want to debate because you run the risk of being exposed."
BJP: "#$@!%!#$^!*..."

The spell is cast; arguments and counter-arguments are flowing from both sides with equal vitriol and worse still, conspiracy theories (involving the CAG) have started doing the rounds. The BJP has decided to shun the Parliament and go straight for the PM's head. Though they know that they are on a quixotic mission but it is still far effective than a detailed Parliamentary debate, as the latter would dilute their case. BJP looks at Coalgate and sees Bofors - their ticket to early elections and possible claim to power. One wants to strike the iron when it is hot, except iron is replaced by coal this time.

Scrutiny of CAG's Coalgate report notwithstanding, Vinod Rai's comparison with T. N. Chaturvedi, who was the CAG during Bofors (1984-90) and who eventually joined the BJP, is too premature and unfair. One has to see which way the current Harvard grad CAG would go after his retirement, which is due in 2013, before we judge him. Having said that, the CAG report is no gospel truth. Eminent economist Surjit Bhalla's double barrel attack on CAG's credibility [Article1, Article2 ] leaves crater sized loopholes in the report of country's premium auditory firm.

But the report to me is not about the 1.87 lakh Cr or 1.76 lakh Cr or even 29,000 Cr. It is about highlighting the callous use of power with no accountability. It is about putting brakes to system that is rotting at an exponential rate. It's not about the numbers. It never was. In fact, the credibility of the government is so low that people have unquestioningly fallen for the staggering figure of 1.87 L Cr loss without batting an eyelid. When government resides to crony capitalism and opposition connives with it under the facade of political conflict, it is for the constitutional bodies to encroach their boundaries and rise to the occasion. Chief Election Commissioner (CEC) used to be a spineless Pomeranian which was known for standing as a silent spectator amidst the worst election riggings, until T. N. Seshan turned it into a barking and biting Rottweiler. The judiciary also has to invade the space of legislature, every time constitutional eroding reservation laws are amended in the Parliament. The CAG, similarly, has to step over these porous boundaries when need be and restore credibility and confidence in the system.

Right questions need to be asked:
Irrespective of how flawed or accurate CAG's loss theory is, there are three things that need explaining, and quite detailed at that:
Firstly, the PMO came out rejecting the competitive bidding option in its note on 11th Sept 2004, citing the disadvantages of bidding. Reasons cited by the govt. for calling it disadvantageous should be explained in detail.

Secondly, throughout these 8 years, private companies selected by the Screening Committee continued to get coal blocks allocated to them (57 to be precise). Some of the companies chosen didn't even have any core competency in coal extraction. So on what basis were these allocations made?

Thirdly, and probably the most important of all, is the strange case of Comptroller and Auditor General that nobody seems to be taking up. The CAG is a constitutional body (meaning it can't be removed on the whims and fancies of politicians) which was set up specifically to curtail corruption. India is probably the only country where we have a body called CAG, whose 'C' is silent. A Comptroller & Auditor General Amendment Act in 1976 clipped the controlling powers of CAG, rendering it as a mere post-scam auditor. The crux of the problem is the absence of any funds issuing authority, a job CAG was originally meant to do. Why isn't nobody talking about this glaring loophole that needs amore immediate amendment than anything else. What is the Lok Sabha waiting for? Another scam that finally breaches the coveted 200 K Crore mark - the '3 Idiots' of all scams? If we really want to put a lid on corruption in this country, it is time we hand over powers back to B.R.Ambedkar's "most important Officer" under the Constitution of India.

As for BJP's illusionary plans of bringing down the govt. by staging walk outs, if at all it has to continue doing so, it should at least do so with some style by letting its style icon Shatrughan Sinha tweak his famous lines from Kaala Patthar and stump the govt with -
"Exchequer ka fund koi lemon soda nahi, jise Congress jaise onge-ponge apni pyaas bujhaate phiren!"

GoW-2 Review: There Will Be Blood (contains spoilers)

noreply@blogger.com (Blogxploitation) — Wed, 15 Aug 2012 19:22:00 +0000

"Humein laga Sanjeev Kumar ke ghar Amitabh Bachchan paida hua hai. Lekin ab pata chala hum to Shashi Kapoor the!" - Faisal Khan

No matter what time machine you use and what time zone you set for yourself to land at the theatre, you’ll inevitably find Sardar Khan (Bajpai) dead. That in spite of the soulful rendering of 'Jiya Tu Hazaar Saala' at the fag end of first part, giving a glimmer of hope that may be, just maybe Sardar, much like Vijay Chavan in Agneepath [video link], would survive the million-bullets-busted-in-the-car assault at the patrol pump. That is not to be. Having said that, every effort you make to be on time is still worth it (especially those who get stuck in Baba Ramdev inflicted mayhem in Delhi) because watching the initial reels of GoW-2 unfold is akin to catching the first episode of a highly awaited new season of a popular TV series. It starts with a bang and puts you right in the thick of things without unnecessary reminiscing.

The vendetta tale transcends into the third generation and with every prominent killing that takes place henceforth, you’re witnessed to a new brass-band laden death song from Yashpal Sharma, who reprises his role of the official item boy of Wasseypur. You are not quite sure whether to laugh or feel sorry for the grief stricken widows every time he lunges into the mic and throws out a Shabbir Kumar/Mohd Aziz chartbuster from 80's. But you do realise that a bloody grand Corleone-like payback is on the cards as Nawazuddin Siddiqui’s ‘Phaijal’ Khan finally takes the patriarchal baton in his hands. And it is this anticipation that turns to movie’s undoing as it loses steam after the lightening start and begins to relay the plot for another two hours of politicking one-upmanship with battery of fringe players and extra characters - Perpendicular, Tangent, Diameter, Vertex, Rhombus, Parallelogram, et al - popping out every now and then.

Definitely, Definite

It is Faisal Khan’s bastard brother, Definite (played brilliantly by film’s co-author Zeishan Quadri) that brings the much needed punch back into the film with his portrayal of power hungry, unpredictable, fearless, Salman Khan obsessed, wannabe Don. The Chhi-chha ledar chase sequence, where Definite goes to bump off Shamshad Alam, only to run away to save his own ass, is one of the high points of the film.

Nawazuddin, as expected, gives a powerhouse performance, but still falls short of emulating Manoj Bajpai’s larger-than-life aura of the first part. Piyush Mishra and Jameel Khan, who were able sidekicks to Bajpai in GoW-1, are reduced to mere mannequins here. May be it was a sign of new generation taking over both the reins and the guns of Wasseypur. The action too evolves from the rugged knife-stabbing and country-made revolver shootouts in the seminal part to a more polished Kalashnikov inflicted bloodshed here.

One might see GoW I & II as two different films and they are, in all fairness, different in story build up, narrative pace and their leads. But it's how the two films compliment each other that truly makes Gangs of Wasseypur, as a whole, a complete epic. Where the first part successfully created the perfect milieu for the riveting revenge saga to unfold, GoW-2 (for all its shortcomings) provides the most iconoclastic, befitting climax in the karmic killing of Ramadhir Singh. The orgy of endless bullets pumping into his blood laden pulp of fat dead meat in the backdrop of electronic ‘Keh ke Lunga’ is the closest Bollywood has ever got to Quentin Tarantino. That scene alone is worth your price of admission and the cost of buying the 2-DVD set when it's out.

My rating: 3.5 for the sequel and 4 for the franchise.

Movie Review - The Dark Knight Rises

noreply@blogger.com (Blogxploitation) — Wed, 25 Jul 2012 15:23:00 +0000

TDKR poster outside DT Cinemas a day before the release.

There are movies that go on to completely redefine a genre (Batman Begins). Then there are movies that take that genre to an unprecedented and almost insurmountable level of perfection (The Dark Knight). And then there are movies that make the downward trek from peak oil stage as enthralling and engaging as the buildup once was. The Dark Knight Rises (popularly acronymed as TDKR) is probably as fitting a finale to one of the best trilogies ever made as one would have wished. And unlike The Lord of The Rings, which was based on a book and hence couldn’t possibly go wrong with the story (unless it’s Rumi Jaffery who’s writing it), TDKR had to repaint a canvas of new characters and plot line and still manages to retain the DNA, the flow and the pedigree of the epic Batman franchise.

TDKR is no The Dark Knight. But it is the best follow-up film you could’ve expected especially after amassing gargantuan expectations protruding from its cult prequel in 2008. In fact, TDKR is a movie that doesn’t actually require a preamble. It is better off without one, to be honest. You’ll love it for what it is and you’d hate it for what it is not.

The film’s biggest achievement, apart from having a stupendous climax and that hell of a rabble-rouser scene on the street, is the fact that no character in this film is just there to fill the boots. Every guy is in with a reason and stands decisively close to giving the narrative an unexpected turn in any direction you could possibly fathom. Michael Caine, as the incessant butler Alfred, probably outdid himself in the initial scenes with Bale. He sets the tone for a possible Batman decadence that makes you secretly root for the aging hero whose invincibility, you somehow know, is gone. Morgon Freeman is delightfully charming with his child-like desire to still impress Wayne with his toys, even after what happened at the end of the last movie. Joseph Gordon-Levitt, whom I call the Shahid Kapoor of Hollywood every time I can’t recall his name and then I regret doing so, because he looks and acts way better than that schmuck, is as impressive here as he was in Inception. His presence in the film is most reassuring and it culminates appropriately into the figure you inadvertently see in him right from the start.

But it’s Anna Hathaway who takes the cake with the cherry on top. If Heath Ledger had packed off Jack Nicholson’s Joker into a permanent oblivion, Hathaway makes Michelle Pfeiffer’s Cat Woman take a long walk to kindergarten. She not only gets the best lines in the film but delivers the much needed fillip every time the momentum threatens to slow down. Tom Hardy as Bane is not half as menacing as the Joker (and he didn’t have to) but is more physically intimidating than any other Batman villain has ever been. The Bane-Batman fist fight on the street is one hell of an adrenaline pumping sequence that makes you want go back and hit the big bad bully in high school in his face. And a word for Daniel Sunjata – he might just be the last known onscreen cop to say, “I’ll take it up from here” and then get his ass kicked soon after.

TDKR has the trademark Nolan stamp all over it – great character development, riveting story build-up, witty & smart lines and all that intertwined by a goose bumpy music by Hans Zimmer, who’s turning out to be the new age Morricone. Gotham’s Reckoning, that has a Judgement Day-like blood stirring quality, along with Mind If I Cut In (Cat Woman’s theme) are two standout compositions worth Academy nominations.

TDKR is not a movie to be critical about. Because it passes that test by miles. It’s a celebration of a successful culmination of the best blockbuster trilogy…possibly ever. Go watch it. It is the Godfather-II of our times.

What Rajesh Khanna Means to Bollywood?

noreply@blogger.com (Blogxploitation) — Fri, 20 Jul 2012 12:36:00 +0000

They found the God particle in the corridors of Hadron Collider in 2012. But we had found the almighty himself in the corridors of silverscreen back in the 70s. His name was Rajesh Khanna alias ‘Kaka’ and they said that if anything came close to being God, it was him for his stardom was so big, it was almost immeasurable.
But let me just quantify things for the sake of better understanding. Think of Bachchan’s best years (1975-84), and add to that the combined stardom of the three Khans throughout 90s and 2000s. Now add Hrithik’s Kaho Na Pyar Hai hysteria and Kumar Gaurav’s forgotten but equally mad Love Story days. Whatever unseen volume of salivating fan clout you can fathom, multiply that with 2 raised to power 15. Yes… 32768 multiplied by that imaginary load of maniacal fad is what Rajesh Khanna at his freaking peak was like. He was, definitely, God. I say this because Khanna delivered an unbelievable streak of 15 consecutive solo superhits. That’s right. 15. Consecutive. Solo. Super hits. That’s an unbroken record of gargantuan proportions.

The legendary star passed away on 18th July, two days before The Dark Knight rose. To capture the true essence of Kaka’s reign at the top, and facets of his onscreen avatars that go beyond the veneer of a superstar, I have made an effort to pick and choose ten films from his reign at the top. These may not be his best or most memorable films, but they play a visceral part in making him what he was, understanding his unprecedented phenomenon and analyzing how future generations will both judge and savor him.

Aradhana (1969)

If you watch Aradhana now, chances are you’ll not be exactly floored by its young, cougar-desired, fair looking, and genuinely handsome leading man. But back then, the moment the mustachioed Rajesh Khanna (son of the deceased, similar looking but clean shaven dad) in a pilot uniform, gets off the plane in the second half and waves at the screen, he had inadvertently entered the hearts and minds of millions. And that was it. Rajesh Khanna was an accredited superstar by the end of film.
People give a lot of credit to Kishore Kumar’s songs and how his peppy voice provided an impeccable match to Khanna’s lover boy persona. But they forget that while Rajesh Khanna’s success owes a lot to Kishore’s songs, it was Aradhana that resurrected the latter’s singing career and catapulted him to the top of background singing scene. Mohd. Rafi could never recover the numero uno position after Aradhana. He was always the second fiddle from then on.

Ittefaq (1969)

In an era where songs ruled the roost in Bollywood, Yash Chopra came out with this taut, song-less Hitchcockian murder mystery, set inside a house and taking place all in one night. Ittefaq remains one of the most defining films of its genre but is unfortunately forgotten under the overpowering romantic undertone of Khanna’s other films. Coming right after Aradhana’s stupendous success, Ittefaq’s Dilip Roy was the first such instance where the actor in Rajesh Khanna was tested against the star he’d unknowingly become. The fact that the actor triumphed against the star was no ittefaq.

Khamoshi (1970)

Probably an Eastman color deprived, black&white film was the only way to effectively deglamorize Khanna’s ever increasing colorful appeal. And it helped in making the film as a sum bigger than the parts – Khanna’s transition from a mentally challenged patient to a cured but love stricken man being the most prominent one. With Kishore Kumar, once again exemplifying the pain of Kaka’s character with his soulful tearjerker Woh Sham Kuch Ajeeb Thi, it was only a matter of time before he would become his full-time default playback.

Anand (1971)

Unarguably the magnum opus of Kaka’s career, Anand is almost synonymous with his name for more than one reason. Here was a superstar at the top of his game, an unprecedented phenomenon who could make million hearts stop with an innocuous roll of his eyes, a gentle head jerk and that “here’s looking at you kid” smile. But Hrishikesh Mukherjee chose to rid him of all that razzmatazz, draped him up in a simple Bengali kurta-pyjama and then didn’t even bother to throw in a leading lady to romance the biggest romantic hero of the time. And what you get is sheer magic and effortless charm of an actor who bowls you over with his unmatched energy and onscreen chutzpah. He is clearly at the top of his game. You cannot miss the confidence with which Khanna towers over a diffident, lanky Bachchan, who looks more like an intern training under the rockstar salesman of a firm. Nobody in his right mind would have thought that this very intern would eventually become the CEO of that firm one day.

That said, Rajesh Khanna sparkles in Anand like he has never before or ever since his meteoric rise and an equally cruel land sliding fall from grace.

Amar Prem (1972)

Rajesh Khanna never got to say tectonic shifting lines like “Khush to bahut hoge tum”, “Don ko pakadna…” or “Rishtey mein to hum tumhare baap hote hein”. He never even made a psychotic stammer of “Kkkkkkkkkiiiran” or Sunnydeolised cops into “Balwant Rai ke kutton”. The only line he ever had was – “Pushpa, I hate tears” said in his own tranquilizing style. If there’s one reason why Amar Prem is still amar, it is this. Based on a Bengali novel, Shakti Samanta’s film is probably the first commercial hindi movie that explores the endearing tale of platonic love between a man and a woman of the same age and probably suffering from the same woes. Not exactly a masterclass direction or screenplay to boast, the film has Kaka and his songs to the rescue once again. The way Anand Babu infuses exuberance into Pushpa’s dry life and film’s even drier narrative only underlines the effect and power of Kaka’s onscreen charisma at his peak.

Bawarchi (1972)

Bawarchi was probably made by Hrishi Da to satiate the growing urge of people who couldn’t get enough of Kaka’s self-less, joie de vivre act in Anand. Bawarchi was basically Anand repackaged with Lymphosarcoma of intestine replacing the Lymphosarcoma of middle-class joint families.

Kaka, not surprisingly, mesmerizes you with his performance, where yet again he was cast without a love interest and yet again he showed that it doesn’t matter.

Avishkaar (1974)

A deglamorized Rajesh Khanna cast as an over-worked urban husband struggling with marital discourse, Avishkaar was a daring attempt by the talented Basu Chatterjee at a time when 70s were starting to get really blaxploited – heroes’ hairdo was getting fuller, shirt collars were getting Elvisly longer and trouser bottoms were getting belled. Khanna delivered arguably his best performance in a role that required him once again to rid himself of all his superstar mannerisms and show restraint and subtleness in just the right doses. He won his last Filmfare Best Actor award for this film and deservedly so because he stuck his neck out and tried to do something endearingly different while he was still at the top, something the other stalwarts after him fell glaringly short of.

Roti (1974)

Roti was the closest Rajesh Khanna could come to playing Amitabh Bachchan and vice versa. He is Mangal Singh, your typical larger than life hero who does everything expected of him in the 3-hours running time from breaking jail on the day of his hanging, to masquerading into a village crusader who takes care of an elderly blind couple like their own son, to romancing the notorious village belle. Roti was also a bowdlerized version of Manmohan Desai's later films with Bachchan, with whom he found nirvana and churned out trash after trash after trash under the euphemism of formula films.

Namak Haraam (1973)

Namak Haraam is seen as ‘passing the baton’ movie by connoisseurs, primarily because it acts as an inflection point for two contemporaries stars – one on his way up and the other on his way down (at least in the hindsight). Unlike Anand, the Khanna-Bachchan pairing here was more even-steven. You definitely see a more confident, polished and suave Amitabh Bachchan, fresh from the success of Zanjeer, taking on the King of good times at his effervescent best. The fact that Bachchan’s character had shades of grey in it did allow him to take home more than his share of accolades from the audience. But no matter how imposing Bachchan’s anger was, Namak Haraam essentially remains a Rajesh Khanna film from its core.

It was not just a clash between two icons of Indian cinema, but also a clash of two economic models – Capitalism vs. Socialism. The classic scene where Khanna compares a peg of Black Label with a factory worker’s one month salary would have got it a standing ovation from Karl Marx himself.

Mere Jeevan Saathi (1972)

If there’s any film that comes closest to being called a quasi-documentary on Kaka’s short but unchallenged rule at the box-office, it is Mere Jeevan Saathi. Playing a popular artist, who has his ways with the women, Rajesh Khanna is in his element here. You can literally sense the actual hysteria and fan frenzy he must have commanded those days by just sitting back letting the film’s first half role. Kaka is just playing himself with women drooling right, left and center, till the tragedy strikes and he loses everything. MJS gives you one of Khanna's best film soundtracks, throwing one chartbuster after another – O Mere Dil Ke Chain, Chala Jaata Hoon, Diwana Lekar Aaya Hai, Kitne Sapne Kitne Arman, …all in the same film!!

It's only fair to say that Rajesh Khanna was like a bolt of lightning that struck Bollywood and changed it forever – for the better or worse, is debatable. He definitely changed the film-centric nature of Bollywood to that of star-centric, exacerbated further by Bachchan’s One-Man-Industry era. Many superstars came and went after him, some even played a longer and more defining innings while others managed to make a mark internationally but for that short period of four years (1969-73), the rage, fad and frenzy of Rajesh Khanna remain unmatched. And as they say, the light that burns the brightest burns for the shortest period of time.

RIP Rajesh Khanna, the original superstar.

Movie Review - Gangs of Wasseypur (Pt- I)

noreply@blogger.com (Blogxploitation) — Fri, 29 Jun 2012 05:21:00 +0000

“Yeh Wasseypur hai… yahaan kabootar bhi ek pankh se udta hai aur doosare se apni izzat bachata hai!” - Sultan Qureshi.

Gangs of Wasseypur, the 9th film directed by maverick Anurag Kashyap, comes in the rarest of rare categories of films where the line between cinematic luxuries and real world exploits blurs into oblivion. With its slow and steady pace that sporadically soars and roars, Gangs isn’t really a film in the real sense of the word. It is an experience that absorbs you and etches a footprint of memorable characters that stay with you long after the end credits start to roll.

GoW is indeed the first genuine dynasty film in Bollywood, where the story spans over decades and life times of three generations of a family (no, Saudagar doesn’t qualify here). Like Godfather, it also amalgamates the family and crime genre of films, without being restricted to one or the other. It also breaks molds by being the first non-star film coming out of the Bollywood stable to clock a budget of 26 Cr (18Cr in filming, rest in marketing). GoW has many firsts going for it and it might be the beginning of a new dawn for Hindi cinema. Just might.

The revenge saga, which is filmed in 2 parts, starts with engaging opening credits that are endearingly complemented by Piyush Mishra’s rustic voiceover and hand-drawn illustrations of scenes from the film itself. The first half-hour may not be the most explosive start to a vendetta epic like this, but it sets up the character of Shahid Khan (Jaideep Ahlawat), who looks and acts like Manoj Bajpai’s father, to perfection. Looking at the silent brooding anger of Ahlawat, you just subliminally know that somebody is going to get hurt real bad once his son grows into the bald and dreaded Manoj Bajpai. And that he does with oodles of confidence, chutzpah and uncontrollable libido.

Notably, Kashyap drenches his narrative with the right dose of humor – mostly subtle, instinctive and character driven. Language is earthy and real, with lots of Bose.D.K’s flying around every now and then. But you’ll be amazed to see yourself laugh at the most nasty jokes and crudest display of machismo on Indian screen. Bajpai’s flirtatious laundry stint with Reema Sen (this is the most desirable she’s ever looked); Tigmanshu Dhulia’s (Director of Paan Singh Tomar) cruel, cuss-worded berating of his son in-front of his wife; butcher Ehsan changing gears from nonchalant walk to a hurried sprint the moment he realizes that Sultan Qureshi, walking behind him, has taken out his slippers to whack him; the train sequence where Nawazuddin (Bajpai’s son) gets an inferiority complex from a co-passenger who looks more ‘Amitabh Bachchan’ than him; Yashpal Sharma’s delightful cameo as a wedding singer; Bajpai using a Mithun da inspired local dancer to ridicule the village political honcho – the laughs keep coming amidst sudden doses of raw violence, bodies shredding to pieces and bullets puncturing human chests when you least expect them to.

Talking of acting, Gangs boasts of the most amazing display of fine, nuanced acting by an ensemble cast where every actor looks like playing the role of his/her lifetime. No other film, with exception of Jaane Bhi Do Yaaro and may be Sholay, has been able to achieve an acting quotient so high from its cast. Manoj Bajpai as Sardar Khan, is in top form – both above and below his waist. He has clearly enjoyed every second of his screen time and his towering performance is almost like a thankyou note to the makers of GoW for giving him a second shot at stardom post Satya. Tigmanshu Dhulia as Ramadhir Singh impresses in his acting debut, giving a brilliantly underplayed performance of a scheming politician who feels equally vulnerable to Sardar Khan's ambitious rise in the power circles. Richa Chaddha (of Oye Lucky’s Dolly fame) is unforgivingly volatile as Bajpai’s wife. And, Nawazuddin in a Michael Corleonesque role, is like a time bomb that is just waiting to explode in part-2.

Songs, mixed and blended in the Bihari folk by Sneha Khanwalkar, are too good, too many. Though using all of them as underscore for a particular sequence didn’t help adding any real fillip to the narrative, some like I am a Hunter, Keh ke Loonga and Bihar ke Laala remain stand out gems that you’d want to hear back-to-back, endlessly. But it is the background score (sadly it doesn’t feature in the soundtrack listing) that really acts as a cohesive force behind various factions of GoW and comes back to haunt you every time it’s played.

Over indulgent in parts, explosive as a whole, hilarious in bits, and tacitly gory in shades, Gangs doesn’t deserve a uTorrent download. It’s a motion picture that requires big screen viewing for it to completely sink in and for you to completely absorb it – before you wanna revisit it again.

GoW is a landmark film, not because it is made out to be so. But because in years & decades to come, irrespective of its current box office numbers, Gangs of Wasseypur will be seen, revered and named in the top ten Hindi movies of all time by movie connoisseurs, critics and filmmakers alike.

Because like what Google’s Project Glass does to technology, this is the kind of cinema that takes film-making beyond what it has been to where the future might be.

We're half way there. Part-2 should complete the stride.

"Call-to-Action" Revisited

noreply@blogger.com (Blogxploitation) — Mon, 14 May 2012 16:24:00 +0000

There are days when you get this epiphanic insight into something you thought you've known all along, as it happened this morning while getting off from the Metro station when I got swamped by a noisy group of rickshaw pullers. I usually don’t catch a rickshaw from that point and prefer walking to the crossing before taking the ‘luxury’ ride. And it’s the usual affair; I pay the guy 10/- bucks and he drops me at my office building. No questions asked, none answered. But today was different. Amongst that herd of rickshaw wallahs, my eyes somehow caught the attention of this lean, tall guy with an arrogant swagger (almost reminiscent of Salim-Javed’s Angry Young Man from the 70s), as he slowly made his way through the jostling crowd. But it is actually when he came close that I got to see him in his full glory – wearing a tight, faded brown T-shirt with the most amazing lines ever written on the chest of any Indian rickshaw puller. Going by how hard a rickshaw puller’s life is – not giving in but fighting and slogging it out in the Sun, day-in and day-out with no leaves, no annual bonuses and no job switches – the text on his t-shirt couldn’t have captured his struggle to survive another day any better. He obviously didn’t realize the literary genius of his t-shirt but he had, however unintentionally may be, ‘converted’ me into a sure shot first-time customer.
He asked for 15, five more than the usual tenner I have to offer. But let’s just say, the marketer in me was so overwhelmed by the impact of his T-shirt’s copy… the moment he said ‘Pandrah Rupay’, I was hearing 'How You Like Me Now?' playing loud and clear in my ears. I knew I didn't want to bargain with this guy...not today. He had more than convinced me and I followed him to his rickshaw like a privileged foreign tourist would. He didn't take more than 5 mins to drop me at my office entrance. I thanked him for the ride and asked him if I could take his picture, to which he readily agreed. I didn’t ask his name; to me he could only have one name – Vijay!!
Below is Vijay’s ‘all-attitude, no bullshit’ pic.

Moral of the Story:
In marketing parlance you hear the term ‘Call-to-Action’ all the time. But what exactly it really is? They’ll tell you it’s the be-all and end-all element required right before the final nail on the sales coffin is about to strike. But then every Facebook ad, newsletter subscription, whitepaper download or webinar registration has to work around the same rules. So, who gets the gold?
It’s the mad dog who does! That’s right..!! The mad dog here is the one who stands out from the herd of stray dogs for its sheer madness. And you love him for it.

Open Letter to Karan Johar from Late Mukul Anand

noreply@blogger.com (Blogxploitation) — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 18:49:00 +0000

Dear Karan Johar,

Sub: Agneepath Redux - Reviewed & Cremated

First things first. Why would you wanna fix something that ain't broke?? I mean..really!! You are running a production house that may have had good commercial success of late but is devoid of any class whatsoever. The only semblance of respect it commands is in the form of a gangster flick that I directed and your father produced some good twenty years back by the name of 'Agneepath'. You wanted to remake it and earn some quick bucks from your gullible overseas market (especially with the current exchange rate) under the garb of paying tribute to a 'classic'. Fine, its technically your property now and you did have your way. I anyways never paid any heed to the IPR mumbo-jumbo during my time, so I wont harangue you about copyrights. Art is all about copying and inspiring others to copy you. But for Ganpati Bappa's sake, you could have done it with some style - at least match it up with some clever writing, crisp editing, and contemporary story, the stuff my film is still revered for.

The original Agneepath,for all its script loopholes and bad music (I keep hearing that from pseudo film critics), is still considered a modern cult-classic. I'll tell you why - primarily for three reasons:
> First and foremost, Vijay Dinanath Chavan - the vendetta man who'd take bullet after bullet but come out stronger each time to kick some more butt. He doesn't sing, he doesn't dance and he doesn't run around trees. He just kicks ass, plain and simple. It was a character that would've done Pacino's Tony Montana proud.
> Second, Kader Khan's signature thunderbolt dialogues. Never before or since then have you felt the sarcastic twitch of "Bandook bhi dikhata hai aur peeche bhi hat ta hai" or the analogy driven threat of "Hawa tez chalta hai Dinkar Rao" or the food chain insight of "Jungle ka Kanoon" or the economic repercussions of "Rupees three taenty five". It was content marketing at its best.
> And finally, a collage of the background scores that I blatantly ripped from Giorgio Moroder's Scarface to Mory Kante's Yeke Yeke to Jean Michel-Jarre's Rendezvous-2. But boy, what a rip-off it turned out to be. If there's any work of plagiarism worth being sued for, this was it! In fact, if Agneepath were ever to be remade, it should have been made with same rigour, intensity, passion and sound. Or never made at all. It's as simple.

Your film, son, was deprived of all three. But I must say, in spite of that, your namesake Director started rather well...conveniently copying the scene from A Bronx Tale to get the young Vijay hooked to crime (I just love rip-offs!). You even got the age difference between the siblings right this time. But what made you go all bonkers after a decent start like that? Why was Hrithik trying to be both Vijay Chavan and Krishan Iyer? Where the hell did you come up with the idea of celebrating his sister's birthday every year?? And what's with this beauty parlour comedy track anyway? Also, I am curious, what made you keep Commissioner Gaitonde's name as Eknath! What's wrong with 'M.S. Gaitonde' (you didnt realise they were MY initials, did you?)? Is that why you're calling your film different? And most importantly, where the heck is Terylin (Sharad Saxena)? Son, you can't make gangster flicks without gathering an assembly of notorious sidekicks like Terylin, Shetty and Insp. Pathan in the picture. You still there...?? Good. Read on.

This was your chance to use Dharma Productions' financial muscle and buyout the rights for that Jean Michel-Jarre's soul stirring background track and use it right, left and center of the film, till it's done to death. But no. You chose to go ahead with a brother-sister goody-goody song on the beach and even brought Udit Narayan back from slumber to sing a drunkard song, reflecting Hrithik's sudden transition from a sad drunk man into happy jubilant family guy. Somewhere around here, my eyes lit up on seeing the poster of Tehelka (1992) in your film, which made me want to switch over and start seeing that instead.

And please for the love of Mary Matthew, don't use the word 'tribute' with this film. Your facade remake made me turn in my grave ten times before I found enough room to carry out the Kill Bill style 'fist-punching' escape from coffin. If you really wanted it to be a tribute, you needn't go farther than Master Manjunath (of Malgudi Days fame) to play Vijay Chavan. It's only fair that he played that role, now that he must be 36. You may have vindicated Agneepath commercially, but you did that by chopping out Mithun Da's role to please your multiplex audiences. And that is something I'll never forgive you for.

Next time your incompetent team of sophomores tries to remake my films, pick up Trimurti. I want to see how much worse can you get with that film. In fact, with a name like that I'll allow you three remake attempts to perfect it. But get one thing straight bugger... if you touch any of my Bachchan films, I am gonna take a FLAMETHROWER to this studio of yours. I'll show you the real Agneepath then.

Best,

Late Mukul S. Anand

PS: "Galat cheez banaya 'remake'...Aadmi sochta kuch hai, bolta kuch hai, banata kuch hai."

Facts Without Wikipedia

noreply@blogger.com (Blogxploitation) — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 13:27:00 +0000

Everyone looked concerned on the day when Wikipedia staged a 'Blackout' in protest to certain SOPA(Stop Online Piracy) and PIPA (Protect IP) Acts being tabled in Congress.
They say it's a black day for the internet. Guys @FightingInternet even came up with its SOPA version of 'Hitler reacts to' videos. But no matter what happens to those bills in the Senate, the fact remains that the world without Wikipedia will, indeed, not be the same. Here are ten defining facts that our present & future generations could end-up believing hook, line and sinker once Wikipedia is taken down (No..seriously):

Fact#1 Taj Mahal was made by Pakistan, which is now India.

Fact#2 The Curious Case of Benjamin Button was actually inspired by A.K.Hangal's autobiography.

Fact#3 When Ashish Nehra retires, cricinfo will too protest with a black-out.

Fact#4 Once Sardar Milkha Singh, while chasing a thief (who'd broken into his house), over took him and left him far behind.

Fact#5 Mithun Chakraborty turned black with a plastic surgery in protest to Michael Jackson turning white.

Fact#6 Narendra Modi was travelling in the United States when Godhra broke out.

Fact#7 India's first case of brain drain was that of Steve Jobs in 1974.

Fact#8 Salman Khan forced Shahrukh Khan to make Ra.One at gun point.

Fact#9 Congress' think-tank was outsourced to IIPM on retainer-ship model for 3 yrs in 2011.

Fact#10 Navjyot Singh Sidhu is the only batsman in the history of the game to get out bowled after laughing out aloud and tumbling over the stumps on a wicket keeper's joke.

#FactsWithoutWikipedia is still trending on Twitter. Hurry up...enlighten the world with more facts before they get distorted by Internet Censorship lobbies.

Holmes vs Moriarty - When Heavyweights Collide

noreply@blogger.com (Blogxploitation) — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 19:18:00 +0000

“What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?”, Joker once asked Batman. The timing of the question was probably wrong as Joker was himself hanging upside down from top of a building and Batman was too pissed off to give a fitting verbal reply. But it is surely a fascinating scenario (if you think about it) – two champions of their respective fields, advocating conflicting ideologies, coming face-to-face for the first time to outwit, outperform and outclass each other. It is always a battle of gigantic proportion, where you have Goliaths on both ends and Davids watching from the sidelines. It is, as my good friend ‘CJ’ calls it – a COLLASH – a bastard son born when collision has sex with clash. For the stakes are higher than they have ever been, and post this encounter the reputations will never be the same again, unless they share the honors. The adversaries do change according to scripts but the intensity and excitement of having finally met your match remains intact. It could be Good vs. Evil, Savior vs. Destroyer, Capitalist vs. Communist, Gandhi vs. Hitler, Pacino vs. De Niro, Sampras vs. Federer, Ali vs. Frazier, Tendulkar vs. McGrath, Roark vs. Gault or Sherlock Holmes vs. Prof. James Moriarty.

Guy Ritchie has encashed on this salivating proposition of bringing two fictional adversaries together in the sequel to his 2009 revamped version of Sherlock Holmes and let me say that Madonna’s ex-husband has done a pretty good job of it. Robert Downey Jr., an actor who, considering his talent, tasted commercial success pretty late in his career, once again delivers a master class performance as an eponymous detective and towers above the rest – something you expect. But it is the little known Jared Harris, playing Moriarty, who gives the kind of performance that literally ensures that no one ever calls him Jared ‘who?’ again. What makes his performance more credible is the fact that he had to work his way around the initial dampener of seeing him, and not Bratt Pitt, donning the role of Moriarty and still leave you impressed. Well, let me just say that A Game of Shadows is one of those rare movies that are able to pit two strongly built characters against each other, build a thrilling crescendo and pull it off perfectly. And of course, it’s better than the first part. But this is not a movie review (although partially it is.) This post is more about finer details of the history behind this great rivalry, something left out from the movie for obvious reasons and I cant keep myself from writing about.

When you cherish your gift of immaculate observation and delectable presence of mind to nab even the toughest and wackiest of problems that police itself has given up on, you’d usually find yourself in a spot of bother when pitted against a criminal mind that has an extraordinary dangerous streak and intent to propagate crime. Moriarty, in many ways, is a perfect antagonist for Holmes. Holmes, younger of the two, has always known and heard about Moriarty’s legend but never met him till their famous encounter in Conan Doyle’s The Final Problem. In spite of being a man of immense ego and self-esteem, Holmes respects Moriarty’s mental powers and treats him as his equal in terms of intelligence. He even knew full well from the very start that sooner or later their paths would cross, and when they do, he cannot afford to let his guard down, not against the master criminal, the ‘Napoleon of Crime’ as he fondly called him. Moriarty on the other hand, was of course the mafia of the crime syndicate in Europe with a vast network of immensely to moderately talented delinquents working under him. With his irreconcilably corrupt mind, he would leverage his Machiavellian intelligence to plan everything that is deviously wrong and that comes under the domain of illegal activity and then lend it the most ingenious execution.

He knows every trick in the trade and is too shrewd and much too savvy for the customary police to suspect him, let alone plot his arrest. Nobody has seen his face. Nobody knows if he is for real. But nobody denies his existence too. He is the idea, the thought and the voice behind all that is going mysteriously wrong in London.

Moreover, he acknowledges Holmes’ unique talent but I doubt if he ever thought of him as his match. Unlike Holmes, who had a good prior knowledge about Moriarty’s legend, Moriarty only hears about Holmes after he first foils his plan in The Valley of Fear. The famous BBC TV series starring Jeremy Brett, also inferred ‘The Red Headed League’ episode to be Moriarty’s brainchild. Though Moriarty does concede that Holmes has all the ingredients to be an interesting adversary and that it would be disappointing to lose him, but he can’t let his business suffer because of pleasure. He won’t let Holmes continue to foil his subterfuges and fuck with his reputation. It is therefore sad that Holmes and his bete-noir came face-to-face just once – The Final Problem – their one and last encounter.

Before finishing this fictional trivia let me just enlighten you about one great parallel between Prof. Moriarty and the cult Indian comic kitsch villain Grand Master Robo. The way both characters were introduced in the franchise before being brought fully in focus in later editions is actually quite fascinating. The fact that both Moriarty and Robo went on to become the arch-nemeses of the respective protagonists makes the comparison that much more symbolic. But the similarities start and end there. Where Moriarty is known for his intellectual deviousness, Robo is known for his physical abilities – he is half human and half machine. In a way, one can call Robo a poor cousin of Darth Vader too! But more on that later - when, in near future, some ingenious Indian filmmaker (with access to ludicrous amount of money) picks up an old Raj Comics copy of Grand Master Robo from the stack of Guptaji’s worn out comic books and decides to adapt it on screen. Till then savour the vintage Moriarty-Holmes standoff.
The End?

IPL 4 - The Raj Strikes Back (pt -2)

noreply@blogger.com (Blogxploitation) — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 04:46:00 +0000

Continued from IPL4 - The Raj Strikes Back (pt-1)

IPL 4 is a landmark event in India’s sporting history – a cleansing exercise completely devoid of any sleaze and scum that had maligned and defamed India’s image like never before. Instead of grand opening ceremony of vulgar display of flesh and sleaze, Sports Ministry has ordered a mandatory screening of DevAnand's epic sports film, Awwal Number for all teams.
"Awwal Number is not just about Cricket, it’s about ethics and morality - a lesson for every talented upcoming cricketer on how not to let lure of money distract you from on-field slamboyance to off-field flamboyance" justifies Dev Anand, who was the special guest of honor on the historic occasion.

The movie commences, as the high and mighty of Indian politics take their places in the cheer girls deprived environment of Chinnaswamy stadium. With the lone exception of Dev Anand, no one is seen taking any particular interest in the movie. Andrew Symonds joins in late. Amazed at Dev Anand’s prolonged hamming, he turns to Dhoni, "Mate, who’s that schmuck??"
"He is Gregory Peck…" Dhoni comes out with the best possible reply.
"Isn’t he already dead?"
"No, this one never dies"

As the film approaches its closing reels, audience is projected to another chaotic loud climax where an unathletic Dev Anand, who is playing both the Police Commissioner of Mumbai as well as the chairman of selectors, foils a dangerous terrorist plot to bomb a cricket stadium that is hosting a live match.

After the movie, V.K. Malhotra, turns to the media persons, "See...thats what happens when you don't have the Police Commissioner multitasking as the chairman of Selectors – chaos and bloodshed. So, stop bickering about politicians taking over sports bodies and get on with your life." Vijay Kumar Malhotra, President of Archery Association of India (for 30 years) makes a very sensible point.
“The only way you will see Cricket accepted in Olympics, is by allowing me to continue.” Kalmadi joins in the chorus in the post screening, pre-match break.

Soon enough, we hear a loud cheer from the crowd as the two umpires along with the two captains step on the field for the all important toss. "It is Mumbai Indians vs. Jharkhand Jwaala guys, put on your seat-belts!", says the over-enthusiastic Doordarshan's sports anchor.

Mumbai bats first. Rules have been made clear to both captains. Mandal and Lewis system for equality and fairplay, designed by Arjun Singh has been put to use for the first time in any form of cricket. In order to make the SI (supremely impoverished) and SW (supremely weak) teams competent, rules have been 'bent'.
If a SI or SW bowler gets smacked for more than 20 runs in an over, the over will be considered finished and batsman will be fined 10,20 or 30% of his match fee, depending on the number of balls left undelivered.

Tendulkar, nevertheless, makes a mince meat of Jharkhand’s opening bowler (a wild card entry on Soren’s son’s peon’s neighbour’s liftman’s wife’s recommendation). Meanwhile, due to a sudden Alzheimer's attack, Shibu Soren jumps from his seat in an euphoric fashion and starts clapping and cheering for Mumbai instead of Jharkhand!! TV cameras catch the puzzled look of his supporters and party members before he’s taken away to hospital.

Action on field is halted as umpires are summoned by the referee on seeing the highly mismatched sides in the middle. Players are called off and innings is declared. Mumbai finishes with an impressive 237/0 in 11 overs. Target is revised to 37 under the Equality & Fair Play Act. Jharkhand still manages to lose by 20 runs.
Jacques Rogge, president IOC, who was watching the events unfold on TV, bans India from competing in Olympics for 20 years on the charges of “promoting mediocrity in the name of equality”.

IPL 4 - The Raj Strikes Back (Pt - 1)

noreply@blogger.com (Blogxploitation) — Sat, 24 Apr 2010 04:45:00 +0000

Disclaimer:The following post is a figment of my imagination. Probability of it ever happening is next to zero because if it does, India will lose another three generations worth of human capital. Nobody wants that. So read on and savor the consequences of 21st century Licence Raj in a light, sadistic, and self-deprecating humor.

"The Capitalists will sell us the rope with which we will hang them! " -Bolshevik leader Lenin

Well looks like Modi, the Capitalist has indeed sold the proverbial rope to the Commies and their pseudo cousins. The Left is cheering. Just when it seemed to have given up on its cherished but outdated ideals and looked all set to lose its long held bastion in Bengal, Leninism has come to their rescue with reinforced vigor. 2010 marks the revival of socialist India - an idea that could never stand the test of times has been given another lease of life. And it's looking divious this time. After accounting for the tragic landing of once high-flying Air India in 1953, the Nationalization wave has set its eyes on the pinnacle of sporting enterprise in India - the $4.13 billion Indian Premier League.
Trouble started when the black, the bad and the ugly, Lalit Modi was suspended over allegations of 'individual misdemeanours' complemented by irregular financial transactions. Everyone was hurt with all the malaise and black money surrounding the beloved league but none more so than Lalu Yadav, who at the floor of the house demanded its nationalization. Prakash Karat, watching the Parliamentary proceedings on T.V., punched a Politburo member sitting next to him in stomach and yelled, "Why can't you Politburo guys think of ingenious ideas like these? This would have brought back the lost laurels of Karl Marx!!". But Lalu knew that it had nothing to do with either Karl or Marx - it was about his breed of capitalism, the kind where you have the Wall Street i-banks being run by 3rd rate MBAs from IIPM! Now unlike Karat, Lalu knew the tenets of capitalism. He won't destroy it but tame it. After all, he's credited for delivering lectures at Harvard for nothing.

What Lalu orchestrated was indeed a political master stroke that powered his rise from being the paterfamilias of the hitherto unknown Bihar Cricket Association to the position of BCCI president. The idea, as reported, was to spread the franchise of IPL to the lesser privileged states – ones that don’t have Mallayas and Ambanis to put up a team for their millions of impoverished, downtrodden, and malnourished cricket fans. No prizes for guessing, Bihar and Jharkhand stepped in as new entrants in place of Kochi and Pune. Kochi & Pune are, at the time of writing, still blacklisted on the charges of unethical practices. Their faiths will be decided by a special team of Ministers involving Revenue, Power, I & B and of course, Sports. Laluji was, meanwhile, blessed with a healthy granddaughter during the course of his taking over as BCCI chief-cum-IPL commissioner. She has been reportedly named IPLiya, after Lalu’s unforeseeable change in fortune.

Other state governments too jumped on the IPL bandwagon in the name of ridding the game of corporate mumbo-jumbo. While R.R. Patil called for the ouster of Ambani hegemony from Mumbai Indians, Sena moved a bill for Maharashtrian quota for home players in the Legislative Assembly, making way for Ajit Agarkar to prolong his career as a fast bowler and keep defying biological science for another few years.

Under scanner for IT irregularities and accusations of promoting looks over talent and show over substance, Kolkata Knight Riders has been taken over by the Prakash Karat led CPI (M) and renamed Karat Knight Republic. Cautious of the sentiments attached with the brand name, China had advised Karat to stick to the initials KKR for the time being and left the full form on veteran communist’s discretion. KKR also became the first sports team to lay down guidelines for financial and ethical prudence. According to the guidelines, as a government enterprise it can't make more money than it has invested in a financial year; management can't fire players; players can call a bandh if they feel they are under-paid, under-bowled, or under-partied; management has to provide for under performance allowance; Sourav Ganguly cannot resign from captaincy even if he wants to; and Greg Chappal shall remain barred from entering Bengal on humanitarian grounds.

Not far away from Kolkata, Mamta Banerjee has been taken aback by the sudden loss of political attention and hence, offered to introduce Railways and Naxals as 11th and 12th team (not necessarily in that order) in the league.

Down south, as things were boiling up just before the grand opening ceremony of IPL-4 scheduled at Bangalore’s Chinnaswamy stadium, ‘Indian Culture’ connoisseur and Sri Ram Sene chief, Pramod Muthalik has reportedly warned Deepika Padukone to keep a safe one arm distance from Mallya Jr. Reports are also emerging from cricketing circles that Robin Utthappa is under pressure from factions of Ram Sene to change his name to Rabinder, for it sounds more Indian!

In a sudden twist of fate, the pitiable spectacle of Lalu’s cricketer son, Tejaswi Yadav carrying towels and water on ground in the last edition, has cost the owners of Delhi team their majority stake and Sehwag his captaincy. Tejaswi now finds himself as the owner, captain, and icon of Delhi Daredevils – all rolled into one.

But Sehwag’s IPL woos do not just end here. Deprived of captaincy, Sehwag may just have to sit out for the whole edition. As the story goes, on losing captaincy Veeru (quite naturally) terminated his contract and applied for Vijay Mallya’s ‘king-of-good-times’ camp, not knowing that changing teams required, under new government rules, providing verification proof to IPL governing council. Veeru’s ID proof got rejected from municipal corporation office due to a gross mismatch in his current scalp hair and his pre-transplant baldness. The dasher had reportedly shaved his head again before reapplying and is currently waiting for final clearances.

Well, that was the summary of events in the run up to the historic fourth edition of this truly premier league. The stage is almost set for the iconic games to begin a new chapter in Indian sporting history. And what better way to do so than have last year’s runners up Mumbai Indians face debutants Jharkhand Jwalaa in the opening game, starting in a few hours from now. Jharkhand Jwalaa, owned by Shibu Soren’s henchmen, also doubles up as JMM’s fund raising unit in elections. Guruji is even expected to pay his boys a visit during the match, making his first public appearance in months amidst strong rumors of a possible Alzheimer’s attack wrecking his old memory.

But irrespective of whether Guruji makes his presence felt or not, good-old, just-holding-on-to-solvency, Prasar Bharti definitely has done so by bagging the exclusive telecast rights for the league. Vans of DD Sports have been doing the rounds of the stadium ever since morning as the famous awesome two-some of Joginder and Maninder Singh jump on to their favorite commentary seats once again for the pre-match coverage. I am already in the midst of deja vu, as they get their first guest tonight - ex-captain of women’s cricket team - to talk to us and.........&#@%$&√*कृषषषषषषषषषष......!!!

Looks like a transmission glitch... will get back to you as soon as the pictures resume :)

(To be concluded...)

Aap Kaa Tharroor …!!

noreply@blogger.com (Blogxploitation) — Fri, 16 Apr 2010 17:49:00 +0000

Media have had a field day (or a week) and the TRPs show no signs of dropping. Just when one rising controversy got a pre-mature burial, you have a bigger, better and juicier scandal taking over the cynosural space. Also, contrary to the apprehensions shown by some experts, IPL seems to be in no danger of losing out on any viewership. If anything it only seems to get bigger. When two bombs, much like RGV’s Phoonk 1 and 2, go off without deterring, let alone scaring anyone, an off-field hullabaloo surely makes no difference to the viewer. So, one thing is settled – Indians don’t care whether Modi or anyone else for that matter runs the show, whether Sunanda Pushkar got a sweat equity or got sweaty and rickety - as long as the Tendulkars keep lending their classic drives and flicks to this ‘bowlers-sent-to-gallows’ game and the Dale Stynes keep the soul of fast bowling intact with occasional bursts that send the batsmen’s stumps cartwheeling, the show will go on. People won’t desert it that easily, definitely not for some alleged backstage rip-off.

Now coming to the other core issue of speculation, which I believe every Indian has a right to make considering the alleged impropriety in question. There are many theories floating around but I’ll stick to something I find most reasonable and workable in the current scenario. I’ll assume that Mr. Modi indeed knew the consequences of his actions when he sent the infamous tweet that out-tweeted Mr.Tweeter himself. Let’s face it, Lalit Modi is not new to controversies and neither is IPL. It wasn’t hard to fathom the high decibel drama that was to follow once he let the media in. Maybe Mr. Modi always was and will remain a daredevil of sorts. The man who used to take on ‘white men twice his size’ without fearing a sound beating, probably stayed true to his confident aggressive self when it came to exchanging political blows with Tharoor this time. But why did Modi choose Kochi to tweet about when there are handful of other franchises with undisclosed assets that may or may not have political affiliations?

Point no.1: It was all about making a statement - a statement of purpose. Whether one likes it or not, IPL remains Modi’s brainchild. He envisioned it, sawed it, nurtured it and obviously wants a complete control over it. He is the Judge, the Jury and the Attorney, all rolled into one – or at least he likes to think that way. Now one needs to understand that auctions are fairly important part of business models like the IPL. With every auction the business expands and you enroll new partners. Since your control dilutes with each new partner, you want to choose them very carefully, keeping your long term stake in mind. Modi kept Tharoor in the loop but always knew that their interests were not the same. A last minute ditch was on the cards. But on the day of reckoning Rendezvous Sports called right (possibly by fluke) and Modi got duped by his own cards. Kochi was not supposed to win the bid but it did. Modi had to put things back in perspective – which meant that Kochi had to be shown the door, leaving Ahmedabad to take its ‘rightful’ place. Moreover, he wanted to set a precedent for future bidders, an example for other unruly franchises, owners and stakeholders of IPL that this was an aberrant. That he is still the boss and he decides who gets what!! Modi may have over batted his powerplay here and hence liable for some political spanking. We will have to see what becomes of him once Tharoor is out of the picture.

Point no. 2: No matter how impressively Mr. Tharoor had put forward his case this time or what his real intentions may have been, the jury was out on him from day one. His office was indeed misused for personal gains. Though I have to say the guy did his best to clear his name, using both his unmatched cool demeanor and wizardry with words to a great effect – he was at the top of his game in his much watched interview with Barkha Dutt (now how often do you see someone outspeaking her?) But washing of dirty linen is never as effective in public as in a laundryroom; no matter what detergent you use some stains just refuse to leave in wide public glare. Ms. Pushkar, he says, is not his proxy but professional businessperson (no kiddin) who got her share of sweat equity in return for rendering her consulting services (I repeat ‘consulting services’) for marketing and brand management. That’s so bad an explanation, it is not even funny. No consultant, not even Mckinsey &Co, would deem itself fit to demand such a share. On being asked whether he ever thought that his closeness with the beautician with ‘brains’ could ever spell trouble for him, he replied, “That’s all the more reason for me not to get involved.”
Tharoor’s counterpoint seemed stronger than his defence but none of that matters now. People, urban elite, his fans, who have read his books and followed his weekend articles in TOI and later his tweets, would be most disappointed and let down, for they thought it was their right to expect professionalism from the professionals at least. For them, it’s the case of ‘the hunter becoming the hunted’. Someone who ironically got swamped by the same quicksand of power and corruption that he criticized for years in his capacity as a prolific writer and a sought-after UN diplomat.
That’s Indian politics for you – an absolute cesspool of corruption that corrupts you absolutely. I am not too sure what is to become of Baba Ramdev, if he doesn't stick to Kapaalbhati and instead persists with his grandiose plans to rob the Swiss bank of its ill-gotten Indian moolah!!

But beyond all that, it was sad to see the electronic media get so infatuated with two men at the top of power structure that it completely forgot to pay homage to the man who is not just one of the greatest business strategists to come out of India but also someone who cared, worked and researched at length for the betterment of those at the bottom of the pyramid – C.K.Prahalad.

Today, a Prahalad is forgotten in the wake of Holika called IPL. Sad.

IRDA vs. SEBI

noreply@blogger.com (Blogxploitation) — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 13:40:00 +0000

If the heading sounded like two middle aged, over weight aunties in your neighbourhood, Mrs. Irda (south Indian cousin of Mrs Iyer) and Mrs Sebi (a foreign returned rechristened form of Mrs. Sabharwal) swearing at each other or two foster mothers fighting over a million dollar orphan, dont blame yourself. It could mean different things to different people. But for starters & other oblivious gentry let me explain the non delusional, simple, straight and in your face truth to you– it is a legal dispute between India’s two powerful regulatory bodies. Ok..so you have heard that one before. But this gets interesting from here. Mrs. Sebi is a sort of capital market watchdog, controlling mutual funds and investment schemes whereas Mrs. Irda has her jurisdiction over insurance portfolios or any product that includes the term 'insurance' in it, suo moto so it seems. The bone of contention here is an investment product called unit linked insurance plans (ULIPs). Mrs. Sebi points out that Ulips are just like any other MFs hiding behind the garb of insurance, hence she has the right to regulate it. Irda, on the other hand, has made her stand clear without much fuss. According to her, since Ulips are being sold as an insurance component, regulating that is her job and Sebi better get off her porch before she legally shoots her down. Sebi remains undeterred and stands her ground stating the Sebi Act, which brings any product with exposures to securities market under her purview. She has gone ahead and banned 14 insurers for not treading her path. The big fish among them is India’s life support, LIC. These were the facts. Now, some speculation. If one scratches the surface a little, one senses a hint of foul play. LIC has been building up funds even before the opening of insurance sector. It would be stupid to think that it wasn’t investing all that dough into securities and other fund raising schemes without the knowledge Sebi. But no one heard Sebi aunty’s bandwagon back then.
But again, if the current mess is genuine, it’s a timely reminder of India’s porous regulations that can be twisted and twirled as per one’s interests and intentions and therefore need some tightening. A more serious concern is that of insiders, who fear it is a deliberate attempt to create a public space for ‘super-regulator’ or a ‘father of all regulators’ which was lightly mentioned in the budget by the FinMin, overseeing such future disputes. Now I am not an out-and-out supporter of the laissez-faire model but having grown up watching the redundancy and the ineffectiveness of myriad government control rooms in the past, I would rather take orders straight from the two neighborhood aunties than add an extra Supervisor Uncle for clearance.
Leaving the hypothesis aside, if any current Ulip policyholder is reading this entry, I want you to follow the advice of experts on this: continue paying your premiums for the full term of the policy. If you leave it mid way, you could end up losing heavily. And for those who have no direct implications from this development, just sitback and savour the cat fight.

KAB TAK BACHCHAN...??!!

noreply@blogger.com (Blogxploitation) — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 18:06:00 +0000

I had been thinking of trying out blogging for quite some time but the tough part was to decide exactly what I wanted to write on! Not sure what my blog would represent, I kept procrastinating till I found a suitable issue to dedicate my limited writing talents to, lest I come across an absolute urge to write about something. Well looks like I have finally found one. Just like our newspapers and news channels have nothing important and meaningful to show, I think it’s perfectly natural for me to start with something as useless, unimportant and immaterial piece of fluff as the recent Bachchan-Modi saga that was unfolding in a bizarre manner on almost every channel last night. Come to think of it, I wonder if we are a real mature civil society; mature enough to tell our ruling national party to shut up if it has nothing better to talk about.

Leaving the moral talk aside, one wonders if there was any political prudence at all on the part of the Congress in boiling up the whole issue. Reports about Bachchan planning to invest in Gujarat real-estate and even eyeing a future BJP seat for wife Jaya, after the Amar-Mulayam rift in SP, were doing the rounds. Surely, INC could have gone about connecting the dots in a more authoritative manner than a thoughtless kneejerk reaction, linking tourism to terrorism. But the Congress think-tank should have known better. You can castigate Bachchan, dishonor him, mock him, attack him, insult him, disparage him, belittle him but you can’t avoid him or disassociate from him. Not in a country where one generation has grown up and the other has grown old watching him release their combined anger on screen for decades; where anyone who kicks ass (even pretentiously) earns himself the epithet “Amitabh Bachchan”; where standup comedians make a career out of mimicking him; where no Holi is considered complete without the sound of Rang Barse; where events of far greater importance have been either preponed or postponed to avoid running into a famous TV quiz show at prime time; where Sholay still remains a synonym for long-running-films, even after DDLJ long surpassed it in statistics. No, it is just untenable. You can’t do a Rajesh Khanna to Bachchan. The guy is omnipresent – he’s there in our conscience, sub-conscience, sub-zero conscience, sub-prime conscience, sub-prime mortgage crisis conscience…you name it, he is there! And one still can’t have enough of him. So, dissociating from Bachchan doesn’t make political sense – you are dissociating yourself from a part of the common man’s psyche. You are not alienating him but yourself. It’s like allowing your son to watch cricket but there’s a catch. He has to turn the TV off whenever Tendulkar comes on screen!
I particularly feel sorry for the two party mouthpieces – Abhishek Singhvi and Manoj Tiwari – for making their party’s ‘disassociation’ with Bachchan look more like their own disassociation with brand Bachchan. The personal touch rendered will turn its ugly head and come back to haunt them soon. From now on, all Congressmen (particularly the two spokespersons) can’t be seen in a 10 meter radius of the following products – Dabur Hajmola and Chavanprash, Parker pens, Binani Cement (either dry, semi-mixed or used form in buildings), Western Union, Himani Fast Relief, Navratna, Nerolac, Tide, Emami Boroplus, Eveready and Cadbury’s Dairy Milk… have I missed any?? Not to mention Reid & Taylor power dressings and second-hand Maruti-Versa.
Though Abhishek Manu Singhvi (probably the eldest ‘Abhishek in India; Abhishek Bachchan comes a distant second, followed by a whole generation of twenty somethings named after Aby baby) gave himself some breather (and smartly so) when he categorically left his vested interest – Big B’s films (most notably Kaalia and Sooryavansham) – out of the purview of ‘The Disassociation Act’. Sure, one doesn’t want to be embarrassed on being seen at Big B’s film premiere either!
I also extend my sympathies to Maharashtra CM Ashok Chavan. He can cry foul over his dais sharing with Bachchan at the Bandra-Worli sea link inauguration but then he can’t expect to get away with a benefit of doubt every time. As ‘The Disassociation Act’ deepens the Bachchan-Gandhi divide in days to come, Chavan will have to come clean on his share of inadvertent link-ups with Mr. Bachchan. Sooner or later the Department of Public Relations (Maharashtra) will have to come out with an ingenious explanation as to why Amitabh Bachchan played the role of underworld don Vijay Dinanath Chavan in Agneepath. The fact that he won a National Award for that film only makes matters worse!!
That’s not all. Bachchan has another ‘Chavan’ up his sleeve in the form of Dabur Chavan-prash, which is again ‘inextricably intertwined’ with the Honorable Chief Minister’s surname. Clearly, Chavan won’t have been breathing so easy if Vilasrao Deshmukh’s son wasn’t doing films today; courtesy RGV. I guess, being a humble beneficiary of Ramu's misadventures, not once but twice now, Chavan may feel obligated to help the maverick director find a new financier for his next apocalyptic film, to be shot in full-darkness this time!!
Don’t get me wrong. I am not taking potshots at Congress for attacking a seemingly politically vulnerable Bachchan. I am not a diehard Bachchan fan either. Definitely, not after the 15th re-run of Ab Tak Bachchan film festival on SetMax! I just wrote this piece wondering why would a national party @ center undertake an exercise of such futility over such a non-issue?? Still beats me honestly. Second part of my query is why, if the issue was indeed taken up by Congress, did media react in the way they did? Eventually, an issue that was best suited to the likes of IndiaTV was leapt on by the supposedly 'smarter' channels which gave it all the attention and coverage that it least deserved and ended up proving once again that we can talk and argue endlessly over any issue, no matter how trivial it is, just to prove our point - when there is none. Sadly, the viewers, on the other hand, are just hooked on to it as long as the matter revolves around a celebrity - more so, if that celebrity is Mr. Bachchan.
Now he’s by far the greatest amalgamation of an actor and a star that India has seen or produced. But why can’t we just respect that and get over him…finally after all these years? Why do we want him to explicitly state his political ideology? Isn’t his wife making her ideology clear enough? Why can’t media behave a little more responsible and shun the whole façade rather than spend the primetime debating on it? And this Bollywood first-family fetish is not just restricted to news channels but spread across the board. The Filmfare Awards don’t finish till cameras haven’t followed his family all the way to his porch to get his reaction. If KBC first brought Bachchan to our homes, Big Boss makes sure that he stays put and never leaves. Every political party wants a piece of him, in whatever capacity possible. One day he is reciting lines from Kabhi Kabhie in an election rally of Mulayam Singh, the other day you find him promoting tourism in a state run by Congress’s favorite bete noire. In between, he is apologizing to Raj Thackeray, on his wife’s behalf, for preferring to speak in Hindi in Maharashtra. Going by his own candid admission, he never refuses anyone of any favour he is capable of doing; he never has all his life. He says that he has never turned down a single film producer who has ever approached him and that he has tried to do as many films as humanly possible. You may or may not believe him, but when you see films like Gangaa Jamunaa Saraswathi and Lal Badshah in his otherwise decent filmography, you do concede that he's got a point. There’s no other justification for their presence than the fact that they probably arrived at him earlier than other more deserving projects. The point is if political parties mischievously use Bachchan’s ‘never-say-no’ dharma as a medium to communicate and as a tool to make headlines – we, the ever-in-awe couch potatoes, play a big part in shaping that trend. If we can just cut him short every time he turns up in any avatar other than an actor, we can together solve many ‘issues’ troubling Mr. Bachchan & family, and save this country enough time to take on some real problems.