MAKE ME LAUGH!!

2011-10-03T12:13:00.000-07:00

DOES YOUR PROGRAMMING HAVE BUGS IN IT?

(Funny ad I wrote on Craig's List. I had a following of readers who loved to read my ads weekly)

Does your programming have bugs in it? My software has been patched and updated since my divorce 6 years ago and also has back up files better known as "I have moved on" version 2.0 If your programming has encountered a virus, try downloading "Majorly Passionate Woman" Version 2.2 to your hard drive and if it doesn't burn up your files caused by heat exhaustion or majorly passionate overload, then continue to copy the files to your floppy. You may contact technical support on their website at "w w w.My Baby's on Fire dot com." or you may call "1-800 I cannot believe how hot you are" 24 hours a day 7 days a week.

My files consist of the following libraries:
Tall - 5'10
44 Megabytes of memory
No kids (but my files are very user friendly to those versions of software that already have kids)
I have Java backup files that allow the user to enjoy the outdoors, opera, plays, beach, sporting events, passion under the moonlight, romance!!

CAUTION: Due to the passionate turbo overdrive files, be sure to download to your hard drive on a daily basis or you may encounter "HOLY SHIT 911" and need back-up technical support.

Due to the C++ special programming, this version of the software is not compatible with "Separated, Married or in a Relationship" software programs. Please add the "reconciliation, lets work out our problems" software program before compromising any former data. Failure to do so would cause your hard drive to crash and burn and cause the auto pilot program to kick in better known as the "My attorney is going to eat you for dinner" program.

2011-10-03T12:10:00.000-07:00

I WAS ABDUCTED BY ALIENS

(Funny ad I wrote on Craig's List. I had a following of people who loved to read my ads)

The aliens are coming!!! No, that is not the same thingy as the "British are Coming" Martians do not speak with an accent, nor do they drive on the wrong side of the road. As I approached I could barely see through the thick 420 smoke filled spaceship. You could clearly tell they already stopped off in Santa Cruz before making their way to Capitola. As the smoke cleared I was approached by the captain of the spaceship. He looked like a cross between John McCain and George Bush however being the alien seemed to shave his legs, wore glasses, and was wearing a ribbon that said "Miss Alaska Beauty Queen" on it. I could only conclude that he was a Republican cross dresser from the planet "Econobankruptia" which is in the Galaxy of "Disaster with No Recovery." The Captain's name was "Maverick" As we began to speak he mentioned they were on their way to Alaska to pick up some more 420 from his girlfriend Sarah's daughter, and then headed off to Russia being her house is in very close proximity to Russia and only separated by a very small maritime border. I told "Maverick" I want to go with you, however here are the top 5 reasons the alien "Maverick" decided NOT to abduct me.

1. I was too passionate and would create a meltdown between all the other Martians

2. I don't smoke 420

3. I am a Democrat (might be re-thinking this one too. Might go Independent now) LOL!

4. I am 5'10, 44, divorced, and fit. Most aliens are short computer geeks that eat Sushi and Curry and live in "Silicon Going Down the Drain Valley"

5. I drive a Prius and not a spaceship

Here are the top reasons I gave them as to why they would see me as an asset to their crew

1. I am very athletic and can help catch those dodging the aircraft!

2. I am not Martha Stewart, but I do keep a clean ship!

3. I am not clingy like saran wrap and do not intrude on your O-Zone Layer

4. I make one hell of a mean Martians delight casserole! with extra green stuff on the side of course!

They told me not enough of the crew voted in my favor so I demanded a recount! They took off like a flash!

2011-10-03T11:53:00.000-07:00

HOUSTON WE HAVE LIFTOFF!

(Funny ad I wrote on Craig's List)

Thank you for flying "Board at Your Own Risk" Airlines. You are a member of our new "Mile High" Club. Here is what your platinum membership includes:

Your very own personal flight attendant

5'10, Tall Fit and Fabulous

In the event of an emergency she will make sure you make it to the emergency exits first, by removing all obstacles including other passengers in your path to safety

WARNING: In the event the cabin loses pressure airbags will deploy, however your flight attendant will give you mouth to mouth resuscitation.

In the event you need a Dr. She will play Dr. on top of you.

In the event we make a water landing, your flight attendant will become your cruise director and bring you a margarita on the Promina Deck.

No smoking is permitted anywhere in the aircraft. Heavy breathing and heat exhaustion are only permitted in the Lavatories.

Your captain and co-pilot flying today are The Captain and Tennille and are graduates of the "What does this button do?" academy. Please make sure your seat belt is securely fastened or your flight attendant can come and tie you up (OOPS) secure it for you. All tray tables and lap dances must be completed before take off.

Thank you for choosing "Board at Your Own Risk" Airlines. We know you will enjoy your flight attendant!

2011-10-03T11:44:00.000-07:00

DO YOU HAVE E-HARM-ROID IDUS?
(Funny ad I wrote on Craig's list)

Do you have E-harm roid idus? Does your ass ache every time you see one of those E-harmony commercials? Then you are in need of the following new service called "It's just a disaster" dating service.

What our service provides:

We set you up with the biggest losers on this planet.

We make sure that we charge you a huge amount of money and deliver what you could already find by yourself for free on Craig's List.

We do not allow you to see your date's picture before hand, as we want to make that lasting impression on you when you see your date for the first time.

We make sure your date is even more incompatible with you then your ex could ever be.

We make sure that your date is a successful professional and has at least made it through grade school.

We set up the date for you and wait patiently for your call back telling us we "failed again."

If you are tired of paying through the nose (more than alimony) for services that never come through and want to date someone that is real and not trying to send you to websites, or sell you prescriptions at a discount, then here are the following stats:

5'10 Tall, fit and fabulous.

44, just like fine wine; aged to perfection

loves to laugh.

Does NOT have the "I Think I love You" Syndrome.

Does not intrude on the "O Zone Layer" and can balance a busy schedule along with global warming.

Has a PASSION FLAME that is eternal.

2011-09-28T11:52:00.000-07:00

FILING FOR UNEMPLOYMENT

Thank you for calling the Unemployment Office. If you are unemployed like the 1.1 Million other Californians in this state and need answers to important questions, please visit our super user friendly website at: "You will never find what you are looking for dot com."

To contact us by phone dial: 1-800-you-will-NEVER-get-Through-In-This-Lifetime. Please check out our FAQ (that never lists the questions you are looking for) BEFORE Contacting us.

By Email:
__ If your question does not appear in the drop down menu or in the FAQ, we do not have the answer for your question, however we can make one up for you if you want to wait 7-10 days for an answer.

Best time to call: We are open from 8-5. The phones start ringing at 1 second after 8AM. At this time our automated system will disconnect all callers after they have spent 10 minutes making phone option selections and entering pertinent information for the customer service agent, and will reach a recording stating: "we are way too flipping busy right now to talk to you. Go to our website or email us if you are lucky enough to figure the site out to get the right category to where we will even allow you to send us an email. Or you can go to one of several offices throughout the state of CA, that don't offer counter customer assistance anymore, however you may obtain the forms at these locations. If you have questions that fall outside our parameters we have outlined on our website (99.999% of the questions do), please write to us via "Pony Express" and you will receive an answer within 30-60 days."

Make it a great day!

Your phone call has now been disconnected.

2011-09-24T22:58:00.000-07:00

NEW TECHNOLOGY: THE ONLINE TERMINATION NOTICE

Dear Employee #382990,

It is with deep regret after you have served 20 long, hard working years with our company we need to inform you (via email) that your job was selected to be part of our company wide restructure program; i.e., means you have been restructured out of a job, i.e.e FIRED, e.g., means you need to pack up your cube immediately and exit the building, i.e.e.e., MEANS RIGHT NOW. e.g.g., before we call security and have them escort you out kinda thingy.

The following 678 pages will explain in complete detail what it means for you to sign this termination agreement in complete easy to understand (Stanford and Harvard Law School legalese) of what you can and cannot do for the next 5 years of your life when it concerns our company.

To make this process as easy and as painless as possible, we have used our own technology to bring this termination agreement to you via online. Special thanks to all our sponsors, and of course your fellow share holders of the company for making this possible. Please indicate how you wish to handle this agreement by checking the appropriate box selection listed below.

__ I am an executive (Director or VP level manager) Others in the company will be told "I have been re-assigned and pursuing activities outside the group" and will be paid more cash than the national deficit.

__ I am a (middle manager or an individual contributor.) Others in the company will be told "I was laid off or part of the bottom 5% low level workers." I leave under protest however, being you are paying me a butt load of cash, I will sign the agreement and keep my mouth shut.

__ I leave without reservation. I was waiting for you to lay me off so I could get the severance and start the day after I sign this agreement to start working for a company competitor.

Thank you for signing this agreement. We wanted you to know that we honestly put so much effort into making this process as empathetic and as personal as possible. Like our company motto is; WE ARE FAMILY, WE KEEP OUR FRIENDS CLOSE, BUT WE KEEP OUR ENEMIES EVEN CLOSER.

Thank you for signing this agreement. Your manager, if they too have not been let go will be notified via email when you have signed and submitted the agreement online.

Have a great day!

Signed,
The Company President

Wriiten by: Donna Farrell

2011-09-24T18:01:00.000-07:00

THE 10 MOST POPULAR INTERVIEW QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Q. Why are you leaving (or did you leave) your last position?
A. I didn't want to leave, they made me leave. I was escorted out. This isn't a problem is it?

Q. Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?
A. In the corner office with the ocean view and you will be reporting to me.

Q. What books have you read lately?
A. "How to Build a Bomb" and "How to Brown Nose Your Boss" by Daniel Brownose-Shipfoskey. I got the books from: Here-today-gone-tomorrow-dot-com.

Q. If I called your last manager, what would he or she say about you?
A. That I am only a drama queen one week out of the month. Oh, and that I only swear at people during that one week out of the month. Besides that I am a strong team player.

Q. What are some of your weaknesses?
A. I can never get to work on time, this is a problem I am truly working on. Oh and I sometimes like to hit on my co-workers, but don't worry as they have never had enough evidence to convict me nor have the charges ever made it to court.

Q. How do you feel about reporting to a younger person?
A. That all depends, is he HOT looking and over 18?

Q. How do you feel about wearing a uniform to work?
A. Does it include handcuffs?

Q. How do you define success?
A. That I can make it to the kitchen the morning after to make myself a bloody mary.

Q. Why should I hire you?
A. Because my Father is your wife's manager at the company she works for.

Q. May I contact your previous employer about you?
A. Only if you promise to not to ask why I don't work there anymore.

All kidding aside, these honestly are regular questions asked during interviews. The answers given above are obviously for fun, however I know if I don't say that, someone will take it seriously and use the answers LOL! Kinda like the warning labels on the back of a hair dryer that say: DO NOT USE IN THE SHOWER OR WHILE SLEEPING. These warning labels are there because someone had obviously done it before!

WARNING LABEL: USING THE ANSWERS LISTED ABOVE TO THESE INTERVIEW QUESTIONS WILL MOST DEFINITELY NOT GET YOU THE JOB. IN FACT, THEY MIGHT GET YOU TOSSED OUT OF THE COMPANY BUILDING.

Written by: Donna Farrell

2011-09-23T20:59:00.000-07:00

TOP 10 REASONS EMPLOYERS MAY OR MAY NOT WANT TO HIRE YOU

#10. I was able to SEO (search engine optimization) all the right words on my resume so it would keep me from going into the black hole abyss, which is better known as their resume / application database.

#9. I learned that one more rejection is just one step closer to even more rejections.

#8. I am determined, hardworking and I paid Linkedin to get them to put my application at the top of the pile of 1,000 other resumes applying for the same job.

#7. I do not have a degree, but have major experience in the field I am applying for. Now of course we all know having a degree ensures that one can do the job better than someone who has "HANDS ON" experience.

#6. I have a perfect employment track record. Then they tell me "we give the first consideration to those based on "approved credit only."

#5. My resume was professionally written by "Pay me a butt load of cash for nothing dot com. But hey; they know how to use spell check!

#4. During the interview the employer asked the question "what are the areas you think you need to improve in?" I said " I really need to improve my score at beer pong.

#3. So I get the job only to find that the pay is the amount I made when I started my career 25 years ago.

#2. The employer did a web search on my name and found pictures of me on Facebook winning The Miss, "I Cannot Believe You Drank it all" Pageant during October Fest.

AND THE #1 REASON AN EMPLOYER MAY OR MAY NOT WANT TO HIRE YOU IS: THE PERSON INTERVIEWING YOU REALIZES YOU ARE MORE QUALIFIED TO DO THEIR JOB THAN THEY ARE. KINDA LIKE THE SAYING; HEAVEN DOESN'T WANT YOU, AND HELL'S AFRAID OF YOU TAKING OVER!

Written by: Donna Farrell