Anima Sola

Creative pursuits

2012-01-25T09:50:00.003-06:00

Do you ever have one of those fantastic days where you get a shitload of stuff done before 8am? Today is panning out to be just such a day. After showering, I had lunches made, and tonight's dinner in the crockpot, ready to go. Awesome! But I had also processed some big ideas. I woke up literally yearning for a new creative pursuit, and wanting to write. This blog has become such a personal diary

Cancer Moon

2012-01-11T18:47:00.000-06:00

All I've been able to do this week is listen to music constantly and just hunker down. Maybe it's this Cancer Moon (which rules my Venus), but my emotions have been all over the place. The Librarian has moved on, rightly deciding that things were moving too slowly between us. I too felt the connection fading. Over the weekend, I was bombarded by photos of The Nurse with her new girlfriend just

New Year

2012-01-02T13:22:00.002-06:00

It's a New Year, and I'm already trying to get a little more organized! I've just separated my iTunes into two different libraries — one for the teenager and one for me — so I no longer have to suffer through her "hits" when I shuffle. Awesomeballs! (that's a teenage word that she would object to me using.) It's a couple of days later than I usually like to do it, but in lieu of resolutions, I'm

More on Gaslighting

2011-11-21T16:12:00.001-06:00

I've been mulling over my post on Gaslighting, and wanting to write a big post tying it all in with how I perceive the women of the Catholic Church are gaslit by the hierarchy, particularly when it comes to the seeking of roles for women in that power-structure. Stay tuned for that. Obviously, there is a larger reason I'm still mulling this all over, dear readers. But then, this post today sent

Gaslighting

2011-11-17T13:17:00.001-06:00

It's been three months since my break-up with The Nurse, and I'm still accessing the damage, as it seems. While reading one of my favorite blogs, I ran across an article that stopped me dead, about a term I hadn't heard before: gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory and

Long weekend

2011-11-09T15:32:00.001-06:00

I've got my apartment to myself tonight. The kids are off with their dad and on this blustery and cold rainy day, I'll be enjoying a little downtime. I'll also be packing my suitcase for my long weekend away with The Librarian. I hope I'm feeling better — my doctor just prescribed a new allergy medicine that I'm picking up tonight that I hope takes care of this god-awful itching I've had for

5 years

2011-11-07T13:40:00.000-06:00

Dear Delle, There have been long periods where I had felt like I had lost my connection with you...wondered if you were simply 'at rest,' or focusing your spiritual energy elsewhere — like on Ramona whom I would expect you would be watching over ceaselessly. But lately I have heard your voice vividly, loudly even, so I know you are still with me. Maybe more so because of the struggles and

Alla my stuff

2011-11-06T13:46:00.001-06:00

Someone almost walked off wid alla my stuff. Those were the exact lines that came into my mind this week after I stumbled into a trap set for me. the whole time it waznt a spirit took my stuff / waz a(wo)man whose ego walked round like Rodan's shadow / waz a (wo)man faster n my innocence / waz a lover i made too much room for almost run off wit alla my stuff. I kicked myself hard for a day

Push-back?

2011-11-01T14:56:00.000-05:00

A little push-back came through from the Obama administration today when the Department of Health and Human Services revoked a long-standing grant to the Conference of Catholic Bishops that had previously been in awarded for it's work on human trafficking. The gov't decided that ultimately, despite the good work the agency was doing, their refusal to refer rape victims for reproductive services

101 Things About Anima Sola — Updated

2011-10-28T11:23:00.000-05:00

1. I carried around a picture of Anima Sola for many years. 2. I finally decided to get it tattooed on my right arm. 3. Anima Sola means "Lonely Soul." It represents the soul in purgatory. 4. My real name is Valency. 5. It is pronounced VAL--en--cee. 5. I was named after a character from a made-for-TV movie that aired the year I was born, called The People. 6. The People starred William Shatner.

Minnesota

2011-10-26T16:04:00.000-05:00

I'm watching closely the story out of Minnesota, where the Archbishop there has put the church's tax-exempt status at risk by ordering all of the local dioceses to organize committees to act as political advocates against a constitutional amendment to legalize gay marriage on the state ballot. It's a sad state of affairs when an issue that is not endorsed by lay Catholics (only 35% support a ban

The PhDs

2011-10-24T16:51:00.001-05:00

Two out of three PhDs agree — it's time for AnimaSola to start dating. The kind of casual dating where you are broadening your horizons and getting to know people slowly, and letting them get to know you. The kind of dating where you arrive at a restaurant holding hands, linger over dinner, stare into each others eyes — but don't necessarily leave together. The kind of dating where I can be

'Kick Me'

2011-10-20T14:01:00.001-05:00

How can a day begin so great, and end so terrible? I swear, sometimes it feels as if the universe itself is conspiring against me. Are you out there God, it's me, Anima Sola? I mean...really? I think I'm too nice for my own good. I need to stand up for myself a little better. At work, in my love life, with my kids...I am the one always left holding the bag. I must be some sort of glutton for

Love is my religion — part II

2011-10-17T15:55:00.001-05:00

My blog has gotten off-track, as is wont to happen when one's emotions are in a bit of a tailspin. So I've been digging through my archives and looking for bits of my own wisdom to set me right again. It's difficult to write about spiritual matters when your Spirit is wounded. Conversely, I also found it hard to write when I was deeply in love, because I wanted to focus all of my spiritual

2 months

2011-10-16T17:38:00.001-05:00

I found myself sobbing today, and it took me by surprise — until I realized the date. It has been exactly 2 months since The Nurse and I broke up, and my body was reminding me of that painful day. I know that it will get easier in time, but until then I am in this sort of painful limbo. I've become an expert recluse and fooler of my friends. I am "ok," I tell them, and for the most part I am. I

Atonement

2011-10-07T09:15:00.000-05:00

When I woke up this morning, the anniversary was present in my mind. I'm not absolutely certain of the exact date, but it's been about a year since I grabbed all the narcotics from my lingerie drawer and locked myself in the bathroom, huddled on the floor, praying and trying to muster up the willpower to not take them and end my life. I wasn't alone in the apartment that day, or I might not be

Chin up

2011-10-05T16:12:00.002-05:00

As much as I've been whining and in my "poor me" heartbroken state these days — out of the blue today a woman I've known for some time told me that she had been thinking of asking me out (despite some things that would probably make a relationship not a good idea). Nevertheless, it was a nice to hear that she considered me "kind, smart and beautiful." Sigh. Keep your chin up, girlie.

Missed You

2011-10-04T15:17:00.000-05:00

I have to admit, I'm long overdue for re-writing 101 Things about AnimaSola. Look for that soon. And when I do, I'm sure one of those things will be that I am absolutely obsessed with the 'missed connections' section on craigslist. They are hilarious...and yes, I'm that "15 watt bulb of glimmering hope" that believes anything this romantic could actually happen.

The Saturday night rapists

2011-10-04T14:19:00.001-05:00

When we were leaving family therapy, Little M tugged at my shirt and said, "Mom, look at the sign. For a minute I thought it said 'the rapists' instead of therapists." I told her that it was something that many others had noted before about the profession. I put on my new silver dress and purple lace stockings, fixed my hair and makeup and put on my new little suede boots. It wasn't so bad,

future cat lady?

2011-09-30T11:51:00.003-05:00

I'm healing slowly, but I know that there is a part of my heart that is dead now. I feel somewhat untouchable. If anyone attempts to flirt with me — looks deeply into my eyes — they can't even see me. And I don't really even care. I'm just so...heartbroken. Whoever gets me won't get my heart, at least anytime soon. But I don't want to repeat old cycles where I ended up with people who got a "dead

Cry Cry Cry

2011-09-28T16:18:00.000-05:00

I'm just blogging up a storm these past few days...I guess the floodgates have opened. Writing is certainly helping me process things. Last night I sat and re-read a year's worth of journal entries. Wow. It really drove home the cycle that I was stuck in, the issues that were present, and the need for my relationship to end with The Nurse. Anytime someone puts major deal-breaker conditions on

Seredipity?

2011-09-28T09:29:00.003-05:00

So I was standing at the L this morning, remembering this girl that I had gone out on a couple of dates with during one of my extended breakups with The Nurse this year. We had clicked on many levels and I remembered when I told her rather callously via email that I was getting back together with The Nurse that she believed I was "worth waiting for." Just then, I looked up and there she was,

Forgiveness

2011-09-26T09:18:00.002-05:00

Dear AnimaSola, I know that you are feeling a deep sense of shame about your depression and where you have let yourself end up emotionally, particularly after having the strength to come out as a lesbian and leave your 10-year marriage behind — but I forgive you. And really, you are so much better than you were a year ago. A year ago was the real low point for you. You and The Nurse went through

Purgatorio

2011-09-24T17:14:00.001-05:00

This post was originally written on 10/28/10 -- but I never had the guts to publish it at the time. But after reading what I wrote today and then stumbling upon this unpublished post from almost exactly a year ago, I realized that it's all connected, and it's time to set it free. This was obviously written from a place of deep pain and depression -- one that I am again trying to navigate, as I

Nursing my wounds

2011-09-24T08:56:00.001-05:00

I've been avoiding writing about my breakup with The Nurse. First, because I know that she sometimes reads this blog, but mostly because the pain of it all has been locked deep away inside of me. I haven't cried about it, since we broke up a month-and-a-half-ago. I've tried not to feel much at all. And I don't want to bash her, or the relationship here -- I just need a safe space to feel