Mommy Dearest

A Day in the Life

2016-04-14T17:16:00.000-07:00

A day in the life in pictures for this working Mom. This day didn't turn out so average for me, but still represents where I'm at right now. So here you go!

7am time to wake up-even though the alarm went off at 6am!

Coffee time and wake up the Toot!

8am-Time for breakfast and to get moving and out of the house

9am-drop off the Toot and hit the road for work a nice fun hour of traffic into Hollywood

10a-finally at work! and time for more coffee

11am time to snack in my office for a brief moment while I work

12p more work...

1pm lunchtime!

2pm leave work to go pick up The boy for Karate class

3pm Pick up The Boy from school and head to Karate class

4pm Karate is awesome to watch

5pm head home and work out-Tracy Anderson mat routine and Cardio routine. The doggies like to work out too.

6pm a little dog walk and my favorite time of day in our garden

7pm time to make lunches and take a bath

8pm no one wants to make dinner so we are going out! The boys seem thrilled...

9pm its late and time for bed

10p all the boys are alseep finally so its moms time for some TV and bed at 10:45

Fun at 40

2016-04-11T16:47:00.000-07:00

Man did I have fun this weekend....My busiest weekends are usually my best. Packed with get togethers, activities and fun. My favorite weekends are the ones where I have activities with the boys, and then stuff that I get to do on my own too. This weekend for that reason was what I call a "perfect weekend." Saturday got my hair done (by myself). Then came home and went to lunch with the boys (husband and Boy) then birthday party (with the only the boy) then home to get ready for my night out with my girls.

It's so much fun going out with my girlfriends at this age. I mean, who am I kidding it was always fun, but now its even better, even sweeter- because we have nothing to prove. Not like in our 20's when for me I was single and had something to prove by funding some guy at a bar. Or in my 30's when it was about being cool and going to hippest places. Now, it's just us being super silly and not caring at all what anyone thinks. It's amazing. We went to dinner, drank wine, laughed so hard. Went to a local gay bar, danced our faces and laughed even more. The laughing part is the best, well that and the dancing. I love to laugh and I love to dance, so there really is no better combination then that for me. My weekend below in pictures. Sunday was just me attending to my hangover while hanging with the guys and getting chores done. The hangover part, not so much fun, but I can honestly say it was worth it

Whats your life like?

2016-04-08T16:47:00.000-07:00

...Hmm my life right now, is interesting. The other night I was doing Yoga in the Garage, or as I like to call it "The Burcham Yoga Studio" which features lovely smells like pot, gasoline and wet dog. Anyway, I was doing a yoga routine entitled "embrace" by the lovely Adriene who I really truly think is super cool. Check her out: https://www.youtube.com/user/yogawithadriene. My mantra for the evenings workout: "Embrace your happiness" because I had realized lately that I am...wait for it...HAPPY. weird right? It feels strange to even say out loud, mostly cause you just don't want to jinx it ya know? Like I'm not sick (knock on wood), The Boys not sick, Husband is not sick (double knock on wood) we are not broke, Husband has a job, I have a job... and something happened at my job that changed me I think. My boss told me after my show was over that I didn't need to look for work, that they were "committed" to me. Whoa. Committed?! This was like seeing a Unicorn in a field of Poppies with a double rainbow behind it! I have not heard these words, like, EVER from a boss, and thus something happened inside of me. I became HAPPY. Something about being wanted needed, appreciated, it felt like the clouds parted and the sun came blaring through. To say that this is refreshing in this industry is an understatement. With that, I am also not busy at work while I wait for the next show to come along. Until then I have been helping with this and that, and being my own boss really, as well as not having to be anyone else boss- which is also incredibly nice. Being the boss is stressful to say the least. A lot of times I feel like I am just merely pretending I know what to do to lead people in the right direction. I will admit that just having someone be a leader is at times all that's needed regardless of if they actually know how to lead. You should also be a person who will: listen, solve problems and at least try and figure out a way to complete and finish something, even if it seems hopeless. These are things I do know how to do. But the word boss, and its definition seem like some grown up costume thats too big for me. All that aside, I have been happy, because I'm not overworked, I'm wanted, and my family is healthy. It's a lot to ask for quite honestly, and the fact that I have all that right now is huge. I am very lucky and I am grateful for that, and very grateful for my happiness.

Here's a few pictures of us right now. Please note our spectacular front garden that we finished last Sepetember, it's springing into life in a way that is stunning me each and every day.

Addictions

2015-06-01T17:32:00.004-07:00

I recently read this article about addictions:

"9 Addictions 90% of Us Struggle With"

Written by Marc Chernoff

I took this article Marc Chernoff wrote and applied it to myself. I was surprised to find that even with my years of therapy and interests in psychology, a lot of these list items still weigh me down.

1. "Wanting and expecting everything to be easy."

This rings true for me. I feel disappointed when things are difficult and I have to struggle to get through them. My inner cheerleader does always kick in though eventually, especially since I hit my 30's. I get knocked down, but then I make a decision to stand up again and fight. I enjoy the morale this creates for me internally. I enjoy being the hero, so I take on that role and plough ahead until I eventually heal or conquer- sometimes both.

2. "Shackling ourselves to what we already know."

I'm really a victim of this. I love routine more then anything. As an anxious sensitive person, routine is the only thing that keeps me sane. That, coupled with my intense discipline keeps me moving forward instead of sitting in a puddle of my own tears. It's never easy for me to have change in my life. I have to really fight against myself to reach outside the box. I have to muster energy, and spend that precious energy to get up out of what's comfortable.

3. "Comparing ourselves to everyone else, and then competing with them."

Ugh. This one is the worst. I have a friend on Face book that I am acquaintances with in real life, a woman I admire. I look at pictures of her life on Face book and have been known to cry with jealousy. Her life seems carefree, easy. I long for her many trips to other countries with her smiling, uncomplicated husband. Her effortless way of staying in perfect shape. Her athletic ability to win. Of course no ones life is easy. Of course she has problems too. I just don't know about them because she doesn't air her dirty laundry on face book. In my darker moments of imagining that she doesn't have any problems and that her life is perfect, I feel like I will never have things as easily as she appears to. When she had a baby and there were more photos of her disheveled, hair not quite right, outfit lacking in luster, I secretly smiled. I was overjoyed to see that she was struggling with the sleepless nights that childbearing brings. That there wasn't time anymore for trips to other countries when you are busy worrying about if you should do formula or not. My tears dissipated and my mean spirited joy abounded when I saw that she wasn't perfect anymore.The ridiculous childishness of it all was very present for me in these silly musings, but they were difficult to stop. What's funny is that I know I have this kind of energy with some of my long time girlfriends. That there is fault of this jealousy on both sides of the relationship, but with them I always manage to rise above that and turn those feelings into love for that friend. I appreciate and wonder at how great they are. There are moments when I wish I could do, be, or say what they were able to accomplish, but at the end of the day I feel proud of them and happy for what they are able to do in their lives. It would be nice if I could be more of that friend person, and less of the green eyed monster that I am with other people I am not as close with.

4. "Secretly wishing for everyone’s stamp of approval."

This is me in spades. I can't stand conflict. It bothers me so very badly. I will do anything to avoid it. I will also try and assure both sides so they can reach an agreement. It unnerves me and makes me so uncomfortable. I ate lunch with a close friend the other day and I told her that in turning 40 this year, I had made the decision to just be me, and not make apologies for who I am. she said something that was so interesting:" Everyone is so afraid to make other people mad, they want to do something because someone will get mad if they do. So what? They get mad". This spoke volumes to me. I will do anything to avoid people from getting angry, and she's exactly right, so what if they get angry? It's really hard for me to fight against myself on being uncomfortable with these feelings and to push through them. I'll add what's in the actual article here, because it's important for me to remember:

"You don’t need anyone’s affection or approval in order to be good enough in your own eyes.
Repeat that to yourself and think about it.
When someone rejects or abandons or judges you, 99% of the time it isn’t actually about you. It’s about them and their own insecurities, limitations, and needs, and you don’t have to internalize any of it.
Your worth isn’t contingent upon other people’s acceptance of you – it’s something inherent. You are alive, and therefore you matter. You’re allowed to think things and feel things. You’re allowed to assert your needs and take up space. You’re allowed to hold on to the truth that who you are is worthy. And you’re allowed to remove anyone from your life who insists on making you feel otherwise."

5. "Taking things personally and dramatically."

This is something I can honestly say I had a much bigger issue with when I was younger. It's an issue that I fought hard to deal with, and get over. As I have aged this had significantly reduced for me, to a point where I feel very even keeled about it. I realize now that it's not about me and that it's about the other person. When it does come up and I keep bumping on it and coming back to it, I think hard and clearly about it, breaking it down to the bare bones. I ask myself "what is it about this that really bothers you?" It helps me every time. With this it really helps to see the bigger picture. It comes into focus for me much easier these days, and I am able to get through it much faster. It's a joy to have conquered something like this list item, because it's liberating when you do.

6. "Being more loving to others than we are to ourselves."

This is something that my Mother always taught me. That I am my own best friend that I am the smartest person I know. That its important to have self confidence and to love yourself because who else will? its also the only body we get in this lifetime, maintenance is key to staying healthy. These are rules I live by, so this one is easier for me. The times when I feel this issue the most are in my home life with my Husband and Son and house full of dogs who all need Momas attention 24/7. Being Moma is always demanding, and my own needs get put on the back burner for the needs of my family. I have learned to take a moment when I need it. I've realized that there is a level of chaos that goes with a houseful of boys and that this chaos is invigorating, and also exhausting. At times I need to mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically decompress and be away from all of them. This is where I work on boundaries and actually having some. I live boundary less in a lot of ways, but I have learned to create boundaries for myself and give myself that peace and quiet when I need it. It's not easy to do especially when I am so tired, and have no strength to argue or negotiate my way into what I need. I'm learning to just take it when I need it.

7. "Believing we don’t have enough to give back."

At first after reading this one, I felt like I didn't really have this problem, but then I thought about times where I've felt lower then low and cried all the way home from work in my car. Those have been nine times out of ten been moments where I felt like I wasn't good enough to contribute. In the article it refers to us not giving back enough, but what if you feel like you are lacking the confidence to give back? For me this brought up issues of self doubt. Times in my life where I feel like I don't have the ability to contribute due to my lacking. It brought up self confidence. I realized that to conquer my feelings of self doubt I should be giving back, because helping others is exactly the remedy of being self involved. It helps us rise up out of ourselves and see the world . Instead of thinking I don't have enough to give or the right thing to give, I can contribute what I do have and what I do know to the conversation or the project, giving what I can will always help me feel like I am contributing to the greater cause.

8. "Thinking and thinking, and OVER-thinking some more."

This whole blog could be titled this, if I were to be truly honest. However, this is a bad cycle. For me these are the thoughts that worm their way into your mind and toss and turn through your brain until there are no other thoughts and you become immobilized by it. I like the advice that's given in the article: that problems are better solved with a relaxed mind. It's harder to solve a crisis when you are panicked. When I get into this place of fear an angst I feel guilty relaxing. I feel as if I don't deserve to not be thinking about the problem. Like how will I ever solve it if I take a break? But the inverse is actually true. The only way to solve circle thinking is to do something different, take a break from all the drama and chaos and get your brain on another path. When enough time and space has gone by, you can come back to the problem with a fresh start, this is when I personally get my best answers.

9. "Dreaming of what could have been, or should have been."

I have wasted countless hours doing this.Letting go is really hard, but the rewards are so satisfying. Its so much more gratifying to move forward then it is to move backward. I always used to cloak wishing for "coulda beens" in nostalgia and Romanticism, but really it's just wishing things had gone differently. I needed to let go of a lot of things before I could really be happy. It meant letting go of what I used to feel were amazing memories. It was really weighing me down. When I killed off some of those parts of me that I felt at the time were so important to who I am, I actually started to become the person I wanted to be. It was so much easier to move through life without all that memory baggage weighing me down.

This is 40

2015-05-21T18:06:00.000-07:00

This year I turn 40. It's a big one for me. I didn't do well with turning 30, even though my 30's were much better then my 20's. It's just age, I get that. It's still a milestone though, and with every milestone comes contemplation, at least for me. I've been thinking a lot about turning points in my life, and this feels like one of them.Ages that I felt a distinct change were:
13- along with getting my period, mourned the loss of my childhood and started feeling depression.
17- my brain exploded in new ways and I felt like "myself" for the first time in my life.
24- broke up with my boyfriend of six years and lived on my own for the first time ever.
27- felt like "myself" again, grew new confidence and was having a total blast!
30- knew I was getting older for the first time, and that my body would start to change.
33- became pregnant, and had my son.
...and now 39.

All those ages were moments when either my body, or my mind started changing. Times where it felt like a new brain wrinkle of life experience was forming.

In order to prepare for this turning, I have been making some changes. I'm a doer, a problem solver. I had to learn how to heal my inherent intense level of anxiety, to do this I became a doer. It's the only true solution I have found to being a worrier. When a problem arises, I switch gears into problem solving mode: what can I do to help? It's gotten me through many obstacles in my life, as well as empowering me. The 'B' side to this is, is to "accept the things we cannot change" right? If I can't solve it, I accept it. I let it wash over me, knowing there are things I can't change. This is a general watered down version of my approach to life, but it's my foundation. So taking on this milestone of turning 40, I have problem solved the things that I could,like....aging. Here's what I have done:

HEALTH
Got healthy. Started working out daily again. changed up my routine to make it doable in a busy life. Made it fun again. I walk everywhere now, when I can. If there is a choice, I choose to walk. Started eating right. I added green smoothies, and more vegetables and fruits into my diet. Lots of them, all the time. When there is a choice I choose green! I don't eat seconds, or gluten, fast food, soda and stay as far as I can from processed food. With all of these things, I do the best I can daily, to keep to this. When I fail, I start over again. I stopped eating before bed, and just generally tried to change some long formed habits for an ever changing newly 40 year old body. This body is my temple, and it's all I got.

BEAUTY
I also changed some beauty routines up. I got serious about my skin routine. I don't mess around anymore. I don't have the time or the money to get monthly facials right now, so I make sure that I am doing all I can to keep this skin looking fresh. I never miss a face wash. Never. Even when I'm tired, drunk or in a foreign place. It happens, period. I also added lots of oils and moisturizers to the beauty routine. It's all about acne control, exfoliation and moisturizing. All three, all the time. No breaks. I changed some make-up too. I started using a primer which I love, to help keep that makeup from settling into the lines. I also use a lot more moisture rich products instead of powders. When I was younger, it was all about having this very matte, pale face, and now it's all about having a healthy glow. I experiment with what types of make-up best suit my new aging skin. Is a heavy shadowed eye making me look younger or older? Just because it's stylish doesn't mean it will work for me. I try it and see if I look good, then go with it- if not I ditch it. I also watch make up tutorials online. What an amazing tool, for free, at our fingertips! There are so many products out there these days it's amazing. It was never this good before, never this many options. From drug stores to high end department stores, you can basically find a good product for any thing you are looking for, at the cost you can handle.

I also drastically changed my hair. My hair was long, almost to my waist, and black with the front white blond. It was fun and I enjoyed it, but I also knew that black hair made me look older. I knew it before I dyed it, but wanted to have it black again. I changed my hair to an orangey red and cut it short. I immediately lost 10 years off my age, and knew it was the right decision. It helped a lot and on my road to 40 has made it easier to cope with aging.

CAREER
Amidst all the superficial changes, I have made some internal changes too. My career. My current show I have been working on has come to an end after two years. It was my first show to produce, and it was an intense two year experience. One where I had to let myself fail when needed, acknowledge my faults to get better, and constantly move forward, weather I wanted to or not. I'm very goal oriented and so when I knew this job would be ending, my first instinct was to jump in and find the next thing. Except this time, I didn't want to do that. I wanted to take it easier and see what happened. Seeing what would happen is not my MO. It's not really who I am, and so this alone was a life change. I also decided that I would be taking a month off. A month to be with my family, and be at home and work on my house and my life outside of work. That's also unusual for me. I took a risk with all of this, and told my boss what I wanted. He seemed to think all of this would be just fine, and that he wasn't positive there was work for me, but he was pretty sure there would be work, and he knew he wanted me around. "Pretty sure" is also not something I do. But this time, I would be doing it and would also be OK with it. Not being OK with it meant I shouldn't be wasting my time with this plan at all, so that wasn't an option. The whole fundamental thought behind all of this, was to be OK with it, and somehow I am.

ASPIRATION
Other changes that I have been working on, being my true self- weather it's acceptable or not. Of course this is something I have been working on my whole life, and I don't see it stopping anytime soon, but this year it's been my focus. I don't want to be apologetic anymore for what I am, or what I am not. I want to just accept that I have certain skill sets, certain ways of being and that this is who I am- like it, or not. This is all harder said then done of course, but it's my goal none the less. My personality has always been a dichotomy: I'm a perfectionist, bossy control freak or a too nice, too accepting hippie-which is it? depends on who it is you're talking too, or when you talked to them last. The people that know me the best are the ones that know both sides of me, which includes the third side-sensitive psychic sponge, artist. None of these things match, and none of them should. Again not apologizing. Keep up.

So that's the plan for turning 40. Work in progress. Lets see how it goes...

10 reasons to be glad I didn't blog in my twenties

2015-05-19T15:31:00.000-07:00

1. I would have moaned a lot about my friends being assholes and really, who isn't an asshole in their 20's?

2. I would have been a lot more melancholic, and that can be really dull.

3. There would have been a TON of drunk photos that I would have to live down now.

4. There would be too much about past men, who should stay in the past.

5. There would be a lot more slutty outfits that may have been documented.

6. I would have complained about my job, instead of my career.

7. More questions then answers.

8. Some bad choices, described as potential good possibilities.

9. A lot of discussions about lack of money.

10. Enigmatic quotes that are possibly meaningless.

Spring time?

2015-05-19T12:46:00.003-07:00

Easter has come and gone, yet here we are on the precipice of Summer. Not quite summer, but not really Spring. Life for me is in transition at the moment. I am ending my first Producing job and awaiting the next gig to start, with hopefully some time in between. It's been a long time since I had quiet time to myself, but after two years it's finally back. So here's my life in pictures now, in no particular order...

Our new addition Moose, Husband is sweetly putting him to bed...

Working woman

New haircut woman

New haircut woman in car...

New haircut woman in car with child...

yes I do occasionally smile

Me andthe boy

House

The Toot being cute at The Farm

The Toot being pouty on the patio couch, it's hard to be too pouty when you are wearing black batman underwear

Looking like a teenager here

color coordinating

again color coordinating

Easter Toot

Zoo Toot and Husband

Toot being too cute

New Moose making himself right at home

Tired Moma

Husband working on House

Moose and The Beast!

Meeting of the minds

Fixed teeth!

Me and my favorite kid

Goofy husband and wife

Air Show!

Two Toots

Today in the life

2015-02-04T17:03:00.004-08:00

Here is what my week day life is like:

wake up at 5:45a
do 1/2 hour P90X3 work out
Feed animals-birds, dog
wake Boy up
Take shower
wake Boy up again
make bed, clean up bedroom
pick out clothes
wake Boy up...again
make breakfast
make smoothies for work lunch
get dressed
get Boy out of bed
make sure Boy brushes teeth and gets dressed
eat breakfast
make sure Boy is still wearing clothes
put make-up on
leave house 8:35a
drop Boy off at preschool
drive to work
work, work, and more work
on Thursdays work 13 hours locking show get home at 11p
leave work on normal days at 7p
drive home, get home around 7:30p
make lunches
eat dinner with boys
give Boy a bath
get Boy ready for bed
get self ready for bed
read Boy story
put Boy to bed
say good night to Husband
walk dog 10 min-30min
watch 1 hour TV depending on fatique factor
go to bed at 10pm
start all over again

here is my life in pictures

ook professional

2014-09-11T18:14:00.002-07:00

Updates in pictures.....no particular order

Me at work where I always am producing animation...

We go to Bobs Big Boy sometimes for breakfast on the weekends. The Toot loves to say hi to Bob

Just your normal family photos...

The Toot at school learning how to write

miniature golfing with Husband

good hair day

hot day retreat at the mall with the toot

shuttle ride to the Hollywood bowl with The Toots school chums

being professional in my office

being "tough" with Thor

My happy little school boy

Monday

2014-03-31T15:28:00.000-07:00

Each week feels a little more normal. Trying for some type of routine. Trying to exercise and eat right starting this week. Last weeks goal was to exercise, and I managed 3 days. Which honestly is a huge step forward. So this week I'm trying for 6 days, or at least 4. One step at a time. The house is coming along too. This weekend we made some headway. It feels like a full time job that we are only able to do on the weekends. Some pics until I have time to write. Which may be never, seeing how my actual job and this house consume my every waking hour, along with my child, my husband and my dog, in no particular order...

'Rita', that's what we named her

The Boys cleaning the pool

The Toot and Best Friend

The Toot spontaneously napping on the lounge chair outside

Barn-dog and the chair Grandma gave The Toot for Christmas. We call it the Hummingbird chair, cause the Tootie sits in it and watches all the hummingbirds at theh feeder.

what happened

2014-03-26T16:52:00.000-07:00

So here's what happened. I got promoted to Producer. I bought a house. I moved. I'm adjusting to all this. Here's some pictures from the recent months in no particular order...

moving makes me and Barnaby want to sleep

The Toot likes the new house

Husband likes having a wood burning fireplace

A little bit of Dad time in the new casa

The Toot can now pick flowers from the yard.

Heres what 38 looks like

Heres what plumber found in my new bathtub drain, it's a braid and I don't think its mine...

Me at Calarts recruiting kids, when did college students become kids in my mind and how on earth am I able to recruit anyone?

The Toot getting hives from all the changes, poor baby.

the hives got worse and Momas heart broke even more...

Humpday

2013-09-04T13:45:00.000-07:00

Wednesday and counting down to girls weekend....here's my life right now in bits and pieces until I have time again to write...

Daily posts

2013-09-03T14:14:00.000-07:00

Ok. I've been working, living, trying to manage. But now its time to reconnect. so here it goes. Daily posts of whatever I have. One liners.

Todays post: pictures only.

Chaos

2013-02-24T15:22:00.002-08:00

When you have kids Chaos is just part of the norm. It's taken me a long time to get used to it. Now I'm working on the next level, enjoying it. It seems almost insane to say that I'm trying to enjoy Chaos, because it's like saying you want to enjoy a tornado, but for me this is something I know I have in me to do. I know there is an adventuresome spirit inside me that loves the craziness of a full life. The problem is my life is so full, it's spilling over the edges. For example yesterday morning: Husband was in the bedroom doing a work out video. The bedroom door was open and he was also periodically running throughout the house to use a pull up bar he had attached to the kitchen door frame, as well as a chair he was using in the hallway (don't ask). This video lasted for an hour and a half. We would occasionally see sweaty Husband bypass us in the hallway grunting while doing push ups or hanging from the kitchen doorway doing pull ups. While this was happening 3 year old was crawling around on hands and knees with a dog toy in his mouth pretending to be a puppy. Simultaneously to all this, our actual 80 pound puppy is running back and forth from the back patio into the house with a gallop and speed of a dressage horse. I do my rounds while I tidy up, checking on all the males in my home in their personal realms of Chaos when I realize that the dog has not only found the neighbors doormat to shred into pieces, but has also pushed their front door open and is about to wander inside when I catch him. This is the type of Chaos I'm talking about.

Now something I've realized in this learning process is that it never lasts too long. My tolerance is still not high enough yet to outlast the Chaos, but I'm working on it. Knowing when to hold em, fold em, or walk away has been optimal to the learning process. It all kind of comes in waves, and if you can just hang on, eventually you will be lifted up and out to dry land. Like right now for instance; I'm happily typing away on our new lap top, while the dog is laying in a sunny spot on the patio, 3 year old is in his room playing by himself and Husband is doing laundry. So there is beauty in all of this, it's just about having the patience to get there. Phew, and I'll tell ya-I'm not sure I'm gonna make it, but at least I'm trying.

Demon spawn

2013-02-22T22:01:00.001-08:00

Last night around 2:30am I dreamt that a door was opening and closing, opening and closing. There was this never ending cycle, a relentless opening and closing of a single door. I've been going through some major transitions in my life-new job beginning in a week from now, old job ending. A new life starting after 8 years. These types of dreams are pretty normal for me. My brain is very Freudian and obvious in most ways. When I graduated high school I dreamt every night for a month that my teeth were falling out.

I was awakened from this opening and closing door dream to the sound of Husband exclaiming: "What the hell?!" I suddenly realized that the opening and closing of a door was not a dream, but was coming from the house, our house, inside our house. Husband got up to investigate. I figured if someone should be killed by a murderer opening and slamming a door, it was best that it was Husband and not me.

It turned out to be our 3 year old. He had left his bedroom for the first time in the middle of the night! He is a baby no more. It's been a while since we changed him over from his crib to his big boy bed. It's also been a while since we took the fancy door handle that he couldn't open from inside his room off, and yet this was the first time he felt the need to leave his room in the middle of the night to explore the nocturnal world. Why now we wondered? His first adventure in this new world consisted of standing outside his bedroom, opening and slamming his bedroom door. It all felt very confusing at the time. Husband suspects that after 3 year old decided to leave his room that he wanted to be tidy about it, so he promptly shut the door after himself. Unfortunately the door to his bedroom doesn't always shut properly, so Husband figures he was slamming it over and over trying to get it to latch.

In my 2am stupor I came to the the private conclusion that 3 year old was probably possessed by some ghost devil in our house like one of those creepy children from a horror movie. The movie you tell yourself not to watch, and then when you do, it sticks with you for the rest of your life and you can never quite look at twins the same way with out grimacing. You see, I am terrified of 3 year leaving his room at night. Not because I am worried that my baby will get hurt exploring the house alone without being supervised, but because the thought of stumbling upon a 2 and half foot tall person in the hallway when I am trying to find my way to pee in the dark seems horrifying to me for some reason. Chalk it up to too many scary movies I suppose.

When I ask Husband what 3 year wanted he simply said: "he wanted milk". What? Was he going to get it himself? Was he on his way to come get us? We will never know. As Husband climbed back into bed at the wee hours of the morning he sighed " and thus it begins..." I couldn't help but wonder if he meant a ritual haunting of our house and that we should probably busy ourselves hooking up prison style cameras in every room, or the fact that this was probably the beginning of 3 year old entering our room while we slept to demand various liquids to drink at odd hours.

25 things

2013-02-06T12:46:00.002-08:00

I learned about myself in recent years:

1. I like rules, even as a young punk rock girl I struggled with the concept of anarchy, it never sat well with me.

2. I like things to be neat and tidy-This is a sticking point between me and Husband because he is a neat freak and I am not, but I still really truly do like for things to be organized!

3. I'm an introvert. This explains a lot about my life, and I wish I had known this personality type had a name, and what that name really meant years and years ago.

4. I like that I am different then most people-it's been a long road of acceptance, but I came to the end of it and really relished what I found.

5. I love gossip and I'm OK with that.

6. I'm high maintenance, which to me means: I know what I want.

7. I can chose what I like quickly. Unlike most people I have a gift for seeing what I like instantly and feeling confident that it is the right choice for me.

8. I love eating and will always love eating, and will forever have to watch what I eat because I love eating so much!

9. I really enjoy TV. In maybe an unhealthy way, and I'm also OK with that. I probably wouldn't make it without cable TV, and I don't ever ever want to try.

10. I LOVE to cook and I'm good at it, mostly because I can follow instructions (recipes) well.

11. I'm an athlete. If you had told me this in college, I would have laughed.

12. It will never get easier for me to be a parent. I will always worry my face off every day.

13. I like diets and exercise just as much as I hate them. I'm a little bit of a masochist like that.

14. I dislike change in a deep gut churning kind of way, but I'm able to get over it.

15. I'm good at being a wife, I never expected this, but it naturally suits me.

16. I have an uncanny ability of remembering what clothes people wore. Like an idiot savant I can tell you what everyone in my office was wearing yesterday in detail. It wasn't until recently that I realized other people can't do this.

17. I like to teach people, just about whatever stuff I know that they seem interested in learning.

18. I have really bad posture, I'm working on it.

19. I'm not awesome when I am not familiar in a situation. This is another fun trait of being an introvert.

20. I really like when I am the best at stuff.

21. I love routine and feel in my prime when I have steady solid routines in my life.

22. It takes me a long time to trust and love, I don't give my heart away... unless you're Ryan Gosling, and in that case- TAKE IT, NOW!

23. I'm not as vain as I used to be, but I will always be a Diva.

24. I'm not as cool as I used to be, and I'm growing to accept this. As long as I'm not wearing Mom jeans I feel like it's gonna be alright.

25. The older I get, the less I want to live in a big city.

Best friends

2013-02-05T16:07:00.001-08:00

This weekend we had a play date with Three Year Olds best friend. This will be the second play date for the boys outside of school, but the first one where both couples were all together. Husband didn't attend our park play date.

The first time I got together with Best Friends Parents I realized the potential, this could be awesome if it worked out. This time we met at their house on Saturday night for dinner and drinks. It turned out to be even better then anticipated. Here is why:
1. I have heard through numerous sources that liking your child's friends parents is very rare. You aren't choosing these people, your child is, and the chances of getting along and having things in common besides the fact that your children are friends are slim.
2. Finding any couple, let alone a couple that actually have children within the same age, that both you and your Husband like equally is an uncommon find. Most the time you start with your friends, or Husbands friends and then get stuck with the spouse. The spouse may even be great, but not necessarily someone that your spouse would choose to hang out with.
3. Meeting people with a child that your child likes and wants to play with, and runs off to be with whether or not you are there- also an amazing find. Having the relationship where you have to talk your kid into it, doesn't make for a lot of Mommy fun time.

We had hit the jackpot! It's hard to explain the sheer amazement that both Husband and I had after our evening. We both had so much fun, were so comfortable, and it was obvious Three Year Old was having a blast- we couldn't believe it! There was no spouse putting on a brave face to hang with the other spouse. There was no grin and bare it attitude for Moma, Dad or Child! In some ways this couple was like our doppelganger: their careers, goals in life, past experiences- it was eerie. Music, movies, politics, religion? No problem. Each topic that came up, we were in agreement on. They even had a crazy dog like ours, it was spooky! It was like we had finally hit the lottery. The other interesting fact; because neither me or Husband had chosen these people, there was no friend baggage. No past histories, no favoritism, just pure getting to know you fun vibes. On the drive home as Husband and I exclaimed to each other in wonder on how well it had gone, we realized another great point- that they live in close proximity to our home! I said to Husband: "even if we had ever met a couple that we both would separately and together choose, who had a child the same age that liked each other, they would probably live in another state and we would never see them!" We couldn't get over our good luck.

Needless to say, we had a great time and can't wait to hang out again. I'm just hoping we don't find out later that they do dog fighting in their back yard, or embezzle money from the elderly, cause right now its feeling almost too good to be true!

Diets

2013-02-01T16:16:00.000-08:00

Well I'm dieting again. I let it go for as long as I could. I didn't really gain too much weight over the holidays, because somehow all the weight appeared in mid January- I'm not sure how that happens. It doesn't help that every other day something unusual happens that is trying to stop me from any sort of routine or normal life. Who am I kidding? Since I have met my Husband (10 years ago this year!) my life has never been dull. Life just gets in the way of normal I suppose.

I started tracking my calories on this app I have on my phone. Boy what an eye opener! I've done it before, but man I will tell you, it really drags you back to reality when you realize one silly little avocado blew all the calories you had left for anything remotely interesting to eat on the couch while watching TV later. I guess I needed the wake up call. When the scale starts to creep up, it's time to get in check with what type of food and what size portions you are doling out to yourself. When I was training for the Triathlon and working out a ton, it was OK to be more free form with my food when the occasion arose, but after the holidays and getting back up and running (excuse the pun) every little calorie counts.

Last night, like I said I ran out of calories because of said avocado at lunch and a mild work out that didn't burn too much. I was left stranded as I watched my nightly shows! IT WAS HORRIBLE. What is the point of laying on the couch with Puppy in the dark watching sitcoms if I can't eat my two cups of 140 calorie popcorn?! So you know what I did? I pouted and moped to Husband, who was eagerly (a little too eagerly if you ask me) eating his nightly treat of yogurt with fruit and granola. Me and Puppy stood over him staring while he ate his yogurt. "You get to eat that?" I said innocently. "You have enough calories left for that do you?" This was said a little more accusingly. "Yes" he said flatly, because of course knowing Husband who is also on a weight loss regime he planned it perfectly out throughout his day and had enough calories, probably more then enough, to enjoy his favorite treat while watching Jon Stewart before bed. Urch, Husband is so annoying. So you know what I did? I went to bed at 9:30pm. This would be before Husband (who has to get up at 4:45am) went to bed. I simply packed it up and went to sleep.You know why? Cause what else was I gonna do?

Irony

2013-01-30T15:54:00.002-08:00

Recently I made the decision that I would stop arguing with three year old about his clothes every morning. I gave up slowly over time. First it started with the black rain boots that he insisted he wear every day, now I let him. Then it was his shirt choice, mostly Star Wars, and then today I finally let go. When he began to argue with me about how he wanted to wear his brown pin stripped vest he insisted on, over the top of his heavy zip up sweater I patiently explained to him the concepts of "over" and "under" so that he could be clear on what he was really requesting. "we wear our sweaters OVER our shirts and vests". He seemed clear enough on what I was saying and then demanded that he wear the vest OVER the zip up sweater. I then relinquished all control and said "OK". The tears and battles are not worth it to me anymore, and what really am I holding on to? I love dressing him, its a joy I have- but really I don't have any issue with him dressing himself, mostly I just want it done.

Once we were dressed and on our way we stopped off at the Pediatricians office for a visit and then to school, where people at both locations stopped me to comment on how cute three year old looked in that outfit he was wearing. It was then that I realized how stylish he really did look with his black boots over his pants, his striped sweater under his vest, like some over done Ralph Lauren add of fly fishermen.

The irony extends further when I tell my Mother about how difficult 3 year old is to get dressed and she cackles with laughter and reminds me for the millionth time how she used to refer to me as the Elizabeth Taylor of Van Nuys, because I HAD to pick my own clothes and that she eventually came up with the rule that she got to pick every OTHER day.

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

2013-01-28T15:40:00.001-08:00

This weekend we were proactive and got up early and went to the natural history museum! It was educational, inspiring and made Husband and I feel like we were good active parents. During our trip to the museum Three year old licked a random banister in a stairway, which he is prone to do from time to time. I will catch him while I am busy paying for something or hoisting heavy gear and look over to see him; mouth open leaning against a banister, a counter top or the worst one yet: the ladies bathroom sink at LAX, with his mouth open clamped to it idly waiting on me. So at 5pm that same day after the Museum, Three year came down with a fever and declared he needed to go to bed. We checked his temperature, saw that he was indeed sick and put him to bed. It was strange being alone in the house with just Husband at 5:30 PM on a Saturday. It felt foreign and I almost didn't know what to do with myself, except sort of feel a mixture of guilt and joy that the House was so quiet. At 9pm Three year old awoke. He threw up as gracefully as a Three year old can and then went back to bed. That's when the darkness descended over Husbands and my thoughts: "will we get it too?! We were just sick! I CAN'T THROW UP!" Husband went into denial and said "I can't talk about it!". I decided to eat a pint of ice cream, figuring I would probably throw it up later so I might as well enjoy a quiet house with some mint and chip while I awaited my doom.

The next day Three year old woke up and was OK, still had a mild fever, but was himself, and the day after that was able to go to school. So far (fingers crossed) neither Husband or I have gotten this mysterious illness, and I wonder- is it because we didn't lick the banister at the museum?

Dog Park

2013-01-25T20:55:00.000-08:00

Husband and I try and take Puppy to the park as much as possible, it relieves a lot of puppy biting and makes for a much better dog afterward. I don't know if you have ever been to a dog park or not, but they are thick with melodrama-no joke, at least mine is. It's not just the dogs that hump, fight and act aggressively; it's the owners who flirt, argue and act insane. It's a strange place. In the four short months that I have been going I have witnessed and been hearsay to: countless dog fights, screaming owners, a pregnant women who got bitten on her stomach by a dog! and bizarre dog/owner relationships. I don't even need to discuss the endless amounts of humping, peeing, pooping and slobber. In many ways it reminds me of a bar- crazy stuff can happen, it's always unpredictable excitement.

Take today for example. In good motherly fashion I decide to sneak in a quick dog park run with Puppy. Since Husband has been busy trying to better himself with loosing weight, he's been too overwhelmed with working out after work to take Puppy to the park. So today I decide to get up early and take our crazy dog to the park before work.

I'll set the scene for you, picture it: it's a dark, cold rainy morning. Grey clouds loom overhead slowly whisping by, the area is surrounded by large purple mountains. The stage is set for what could be battle in the large open arena of the dark park.... (I've been watching a lot of Game of Thrones lately can you tell?) Anyway, even though its rainy I decide what the hell? I'll take Puppy to the park for a quick twenty minute romp, and then drop him back at home before work. It was ambitious, but I'm a good Mother (substitute 'Saint' if you like here).

Today there didn't seem to be much going on at the old park of drama...or so one would assume upon entering. There were only three other owners there with their dogs running through the muddy puddles.We could see one of the dogs that Puppy likes to play with. If you don't know this already, dogs are like people and tend to play with/like the same dogs within their age range or choosing and play with those dogs each time they see them. Quinlan is the name of this particular friend to Puppy. I don't know any one's actual name, the owners I mean. I only know the dogs names, this is pretty much standard at the park. Anonymity, I love it.

Quinlan's owner is a guy that I privately refer to as the 'English Homeless Guy'. That pretty much sums him up. He has an English accent, and when I first saw him I thought he was literally homeless due to his dirty ragged clothes and shaggy blond beard. I later found out that he is actually the head of some truck delivery company and he's probably pretty loaded, but he looks like a thirty something dirty homeless guy. There's something more then just the accent and the strange dirty clothes that make him kind of interesting: He's great with the dogs in a dog whisperer/Merlin homeless guy kind of way, but unfortunately if you gave him a rope instead of his fancy leash and stood him on the corner he would truly look like the vagrant with a dog that you give money too out your car window at the stop light. He's nice enough, almost attractive, and a man of few words who happens to adore my dog. Therefore he's pretty good in my book.

So Puppy and Quinlan go about their usual routine of chasing each other through the wet sloshy dirt, wrestling each other to the ground, and gnawing on each others faces. The owners usually just stand around. Sometimes I will wander over to a group and chat if I'm in the mood, and sometimes I will just stand there saying nothing and stare, which is socially acceptable at the dog park. Quinlan's owner chats with the other dog owners, but doesn't really chat with me too much. This doesn't really bother me since I'm an introvert and I'd much rather be the voyeur anyway, I'm perfectly pleased to just stand there and stare. Quinlan's owner does however really enjoy Puppy, and knows him by name and gives him lots of pats and attention. I sort of like 'English Homeless Guy'. He's kind of mysterious in a weird homeless I live under a bridge and know a whole underworld that you don't know mystique kind of way. I find myself wanting to know more about him, without actually wanting to talk to him. There's a few of these at the park-interesting and strange people potentially worth knowing outside these chain link walls.

We stand around today in the muck and the cold and the dogs play and English Homeless Guy kind of hovers nearby while avoiding eye contact, and I stand there looking at my watch anticipating that I need to leave in order to be at work within a reasonable time. Suddenly the sky gets dark and in the distance at the other end of the park I hear a ferocious barking. It's far enough away that I don't flinch, but I notice a large German Shepard playing roughly with a woman. He doesn't appear to be hurting anyone or doing anything weird, so I carry on with my staring into space. That's when I see that English Homeless Guy has also noticed this barking, and his head perks up like an animal in the wild who can tell it may suddenly be prey. He stands motionless and stares intently at the other side of the park at the German Shepard. If he was a dog the hair on the back of his neck would be standing up, that's how extreme he suddenly seems. I watch him and look around like maybe I should start running or something, but I'm not seeing anything that would normally concern me. So I decide to study English Homeless Guy, maybe he will reveal more information and give me a clue as to what I should be doing right now instead of standing here like an idiot. He then mumbles something English to himself and then says:"I need to get a rock, get a rock". He looks around and quickly finds a few round pebbles and shoves them into his pockets. Suddenly we are in 'Braveheart' and I'm wondering if I should mark my face with mud stripes and go hide behind the concrete bench. I look over and the Shepard that he keeps eyeing is miles away playing innocently, not only that, but the Shepard's owner appears to be a mild mannered small Asian woman, not some pit bull breeder with a chip on his shoulder. I look at English Homeless Guy again and say casually, mostly cause I'm just entertained at this point: "you don't like that Shepard?" to which he responds with silence as the dark clouds float by over head, and a light rain starts to fall. He stares intensely across the field at the Shepard and then slowly says to me without looking at me: "if that's Vader, then No." With my recent post you would think I was making this up, but in all seriousness that's what the dogs name was. I figured with a name like that I should be working on my war chant instead of standing in the mud like a sitting duck.

English Homeless Guy quickly collects his dog and his fancy leash all the while never taking his eyes off the joyful Shepard at the other end of the park. He works his way over to the gate to leash Quinlan. Puppy at the that moment of course decides he should start biting Quinlan incessantly. I could tell English Homeless guy needed to get out of there as soon as possible. Whoever this 'vader' was there was no two ways about it: it was time for them to go! It started raining harder, so I decided to follow suit when English Homeless Guy turns and says to me: "Maybe Puppy would like to go to the small dog park also." He says this like he is giving me some secret hint or tip as to what I should be doing next. I then notice that all the other dogs that were once in the large dog section have scurried out and have collected in the small dog park section safely on the other side of the fence away from Vader. I took this as my cue to leave. I didn't know who or what this Vader was, but I decide I'm not appropriately dressed for a battle at Farik with William Wallace.

Like I said, DRAMA. If you ever get bored go visit your local dog park, I'm sure you never knew what lurked behind that chain link curtain...

Lord Vader

2013-01-24T14:26:00.002-08:00

So Three year old is obsessed with Star Wars. He loves all the characters, but seems to have a special attachment to Darth Vader. I find this appropriate considering the new phase he is in. Since his third birthday something has changed with Three year old-he's funnier, more interesting and a holy terror. Like Darth Vader he has become the reigning lord of saboteur. People talk about two year olds like they are "so crazy"! No. Three is where it gets hard. At three they have the full capability of verbalizing their opinions and thoughts, so it's not just "no" to everything, now it's "I don't want to do that Mama, because I don't like that". huh? what do you mean you don't like that?

With the new year, three year old has started a new preschool class, with new teachers and students. Like any big transition he didn't take to it too kindly. He finally stopped crying when I dropped him off, luckily for me because it also makes me cry, but he is still acting out at home. Like both Husband and myself, Three year old tries to control his surroundings when he's feeling out of control. The problem is not that I don't understand this, the problem is I'm on the receiving end, and I'm supposed to be the boss. Each daily task is like negotiating with a terrorist. I ask him to do something, he refuses. I ask him again, he refuses. I warn him that there will be consequences, he refuses. The consequences occur (time out) and then we start all over again with the next chore. The key I am learning is to stay calm, like in any good hostage situation you can't show your cards by flipping out, mostly because nothing gets done. Trust me, if loosing my temper earned me points I would be the ruler of the universe and all minions around the world would have to hail me as their Lord Vader.

Last night Three year who had not taken a nap (prime toddler terrorist breeding grounds) started the evening out OK, then quickly spiraled into a full blown suicide bomber on an airplane. By bath time his head was permanently thrown back, mouth wide open crying, this time because his band aid on his finger (which he doesn't need since the cut healed five days ago) had fallen off. I tried everything: telling him there was a new band aide waiting for him after his bath, making him laugh by imitating a chicken, being soothing, being firm-nothing made a difference. This kid was so tired and over whelmed I eventually had to wrap him in a towel, burrito style and carry the screaming tyrant to his room. He then continued to cry the entire time I put his pajamas on him since he was too crippled by carrying on to do anything for himself.

I realize that this is just a phase, and like always in a few weeks once school has settled, he will be his normal lovely self again. Hopefully he will also start taking naps at school again to. Until then, I need as much sympathy as possible. Even Husband commiserated with me. The look on his face when we went in to give Dada his good night kiss said it all, his face was so full of pity for me that I almost didn't recognize the man I married. I'm sure I must have looked so haggard and beyond repair that even Husband felt sorry for me.

Until the next phase, Lord Vader rules my home, and "You don't know the power of the dark side!".

Wednesday catch up

2013-01-23T14:08:00.001-08:00

Here are some pictures from the holiday that I never got a chance to post. Enjoy my crazy boys.

a little Christmas cuddling

Husband is a beast and this meal proves it, eating Cornish game hen with his hands!

practicing his Jedi moves. Its hard to look tough though when you are wearing little sandals with socks.

Barnaby making what we call his 'Yoda Tooth face'

Chillin' with my boys...

more snuggling on the couch

new Christmas towel from our neighbors, this boy is so spoiled.

More 'Yoda Toothing'

me with my favorite Rose bowl parade float

3 year with his favorite float and crackers in his teeth. I like how my hat looks extended here by the float behind me. It makes me look really stylish.

What happened

2013-01-22T12:26:00.000-08:00

Well true to my prediction the weekend went something like this:

wake up with the boys

They play like wild animals non stop while I watch my cooking show and try not to get a light saber to the head or my hand gnawed off

Husband finally gets up

to then become part of the pile of boys

He takes over playing the never ending game of Star Wars we have at our house

as well as being the human dog lounge chair

and like every weekend we have toast...

and poached eggs for breakfast

this Saturday our day started with a play date with 3 year olds best friend

the park is always good for thinking deep thoughts...about Star Wars

Barnaby gets to have a play date of his own at the Dog Park, there is a lot more humping and peeing though at this park

on Sunday we finally said good bye to the hedgehog and got a hair cut

and of course there is lots more play time to be had

and by the end of the weekend mom is usually happy, relaxed, and a little worn out from all those feisty boys.

Weekend

2013-01-18T16:51:00.002-08:00

What are you doing this weekend? Here is what may or may not happen at my house this weekend:

Friday night is usually Zankou chicken night, where we order and pick it up. It's very exciting after a weekend of home cooked meals.

Saturday morning I'll get up with The Puppy and the 3 year old and watch a cooking show while they climb on me and play until Husband gets up around 9am. Then we will usually lay around til 10am when we make eggs and toast. Then Husband starts cleaning the house/doing laundry while listening to music. This usually involves some wrestling with puppy and 3 year old. This weekend we have a play date with one of 3 year olds friends from school, whom we will meet at the park. I have never done an official play date that wasn't with a friend who had a child- versus a friend of 3 year olds who has parents. So it should be interesting. I'm curious to see if Husband attends. Sometimes he is very enthusiastic about family activities, and sometimes he just wants to veg out. Then we will probably eat some type of lunch. Usually salads or burgers or sometimes we just eat at home. This will depend on how well 3 year is behaving/moods etc. Then after lunch, it's nap time (one of my favorite times of the day). 3 year old will take a nap and often I will too. After nap it's time to take the puppy to the dog park for an hour. I do this while Husband wakes up 3 year old and gives him a snack. Then back at the house we loaf around until we figure out what we are doing for dinner. This Saturday night we may be going to an 80's themed birthday party. which is unusual for us since we never go anywhere, ever. I have left this up to Husband since these are mostly his friends, and he often flakes on plans. I announced earlier in the week that I would not be organizing any babysitter, since I did not trust that we would actually be attending said party. Husband also doesn't 'dress up' so the chances of us actually attending this party seem slim to me, but we'll see, the man still manages to surprises me after 10 years together. Sunday will be about the same, minus the play date and the party, but add in grocery shopping. Grocery shopping may be done as a family, or done individually depending on how the day is going with the 3 year old. This Sunday will also be minus dog obedience class (thank God) and add in a hair cut for 3 year old, who currently looks like a human hedgehog.

Hope your weekend is fun. see ya Monday!

Love,

Mommy D