Finding the Way

Me and My Gang.

2010-10-10T09:54:00.000-07:00

Well for the first time in a while in this blog, I'm going to write about something other than leadership- about me, my life, and my people.

I'm a young girl, living in a smaller-than-small town, where living a private life is the equivalent of living under a microscope. Everyone knows everyone else, and their business, or at least they think they do. It's like the biggest news headlines are about who's broken up, who's engaged to whom, and who's sleeping with whom. (Or is that who?) Ha, but really, that's how this whole in the hills, is.

My parents are divorced, living about an hour apart, pretty much hating each other. No, it's not quite that bad. I mean, after 21 years (my youngest sister's age), they've finally found a way to . . . tolerate? each other. Of course having said that, they've both found significant others to help with that. My mom's "man" is something entirely unto himself- deserving of a singular blog and yet not one single word in one. My stepmom isn't so bad- some days I enjoy her presence and effect on my daddy's life. Wonder why it is, my mom's something bothers me so much more than my dad's woman? Maybe it's because I'm a momma's girl at heart.

Anyway, I have two sisters who frustrate the ever lasting nerve I have, at the same time that they bring a strength to my heart when I think about their feelings being hurt. Lord knows, I fight with them, especially my youngest all the time. I mean, all. the. time. But still she's my little sister. No one effffs with her, minus myself or other family.

But outside of family, I've been wondering lately, who are my real friends?

Ha, my best friend is in Japan, some 7000 miles and several oceans apart. She's always been there, through boys and girls, alcohol and hangovers, mood swings and Midol. She's always been the tougher one between the two of us, while I've always been the crybaby. So these days I'm trying to be her- the tough one. Some days, it works. Some days, it doesn't. But- c'est la vie.

Then there's a lot of older friends who've mysteriously drifted away. Surprisingly it's my newest friends who're there, like my new friend at work. I've been going through a lot lately and she's been nothing but supportive.

Then there's the boy. But I think maybe he's best left for a different blog too.

So these days, I keep going back to this quote from Laguna Beach TV show:
"Its less important to have a large quanity of friends, and more important the quality of friends."

But where to?

2010-10-06T12:02:00.000-07:00

Isn't it funny how always look back thinging of happy times? Last night i was looking at old photos, of family, friends, school days, and reminiscing of my life past. I realized that during each of those phases- middle school, summers between school, high school, work- that each one had times where I felt I was unhappy and that life couldn't get more unhappy than that. Then I'd think back to a time even before that.

But this all made me think of something else too. My parents have been divorced pretty much my entire life; so much so,that I don't remember a time where they were together, or even in the same room, happy. On our weekends, we rotated whose house we were visiting and who's custody we were in. Every Friday night, we'd dread going to our grandparents, or even my Dad's. My sisters and I rarely got along, but this was one thing we always agreed: on Fridays, we never wanted to leave our Mom's house.

The interesting part was that no matter what- come Sunday, when it was time to leave, we dreaded packing. Time is so interesting, and we, fickle. Albert Einstein was right about relativity- time is all relative. An hour can feel like a lifetime when it's the last hour of your day, but when it's your hour lunch break, it flies by.

I guess the point is, appreciate time for what it is. Time.

Courage Doesn't Always Roar. Sometimes it's the quiet voice that whispers 'I will try again tomorrow."

2010-10-05T16:34:00.000-07:00

Everytime I walk into the building it's like a new episode of Day of our Lives. It's always something: Someone asking me about a situation I handled incorrectly, someone asking about something that happened the day before, or even something I may have said or how I said something to an agent.

Some days are easier than others, I know that. Could it hurt to have Monday be an easy one? I'm just tired of feeling like no one can be trusted- that I question the moves I make, and for each day, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells.

Some days I leave here thinking I'm being dramatic and things will get better.

Guess it's time to start believing or change something. I don't want to hate my job . . . but if I'm not careful I'll be there faster than I think.

What's Your Definition of a Leader?

2010-10-04T15:42:00.000-07:00

I was once asked this question, and it was the first time in my leadership career I had ever been asked. I had never been asked that in any interview- trust me, ask it if you want a good thinking question- or even rhetorically.

It began with a meeting I had to conduct, where I created a video based on a book I had read. I followed the video with a short You Tube video from Mark Sanborn, "You Don't Have to Hold a Title to be a Leader." (Strongly recommend it, if you're in leadership, or want to motivate others) The video tells of an example where a young girl gets hired and leads by example, who later becomes the Vice President of the company.

At the end of the presentation, an agent came up to me, and asked for my opinion on leadership and its definition. Wow, can we say intangible?

Though my thoughts had to be more summed up in two or three sentences, than now- where I can go on and babble- it's still not easy to define. My answer was a leader is anyone who helps, and motivates others to their goal, whatever that may be.

But see, that's just it: A leader can be many things. A good leader, to me, should be a person who can motivate others, lead by example, inspires and guides, while handling the daily responsibilities of their title.

So then this got me to thinking, "Am I a leader, by my own definition?" I'd like to think I motivate at least some. Truth is, there's at least one I know I do. One of my agents sent me an email (the number one form of communication within the corporation) saying she appreciated my leadership, my ways of communicating criticism and overall motivation. It also didn't hurt that her email came on one of those days where you wonder if you're doing anything right.

Sometimes, I know I don't always lead by example. Sure, I'm at the top of my game on statistics and numbers. And you won't find anyone more organized than I am. But my weaknesses?

Ha.

I need to work on my stress level.
On my ability to leave work- at work.
Being less tenderhearted.
Or at least, on letting it show less.
Lengthing my temper fuse.

But I suppose it's nice to remember no one's perfect- no leader of the past or present has had a career completed free of bumps and road blocks. This is where someone with eloquent words would say, there's always a chance to learn.

Luckily, there's always tomorrow.

Some days suck, fo' sho.

2010-09-12T16:55:00.000-07:00

So yeah, some days suck.
For those days, I've come to learn that there's not always alot you can do about it- but laughter helps.

Today's been one of those lazy boring days where I've just been wondering and questioning my place. I mean I know what they say about the grass being greener on the other side. What if, you've been on both sides and its pretty green on both, but one of them made you happier? Shouldn't that be the side you buy the farm on, so to speak?

I keep telling myself, to give it more time.

More time, more time.

Maybe I also need to grow the F up, and stop being a pansy.

"Leaders lead by example, whether they intend to or not."

2010-09-09T13:49:00.000-07:00

I hope this isn't true: Simply said, there are attributes of those in power I'd rather not learn from. In our company, our job is to help members and help agents help those members. I'm not an assistant who minds talking to members- irate or not. But there are a few who won't if they can avoid it. One in particular will refer the agent to anyone else willing to take it. There's another who I have never once seen a take a call- PERIOD.

Another does their job, but it's not their job abilities that deter me, or better said, disgust me. Its the moral ones. I read a quote that said, "...if a person doesn't have moral integrity in their personal life, they don't have it at work," and I think it's true: Either you're moral or you're not.

I also think when someone displays so blantantly a lack of morals, values, and integrity, it gives me an even-further-lack of faith. Now, don't get me wrong- I know we're all human and ergo we make mistakes. But a lack of values is a lifestyle when you make the mistakes over and over again. Sure, there are times when we as humans lack good judgment, but to me, its how yo respond to those times: Fix it. Bounce back... and not into the bed of a married man.

So how, in good conscience, can I look up to, model myself, or simply trust someone like this? And what do you do when that person is one you really did look up to and appreciate before the tainted revelation? What's the moral thing to do? Work like you don't know?

It's not my business, that much I know. So the decision I've made is to show no encouragement. I mean really, no dramatic stream of conscious intended- but if a promise to God and the world means nothing to her, I can't say I put any faith in a promise to me, or anyone else.

Losing Faith

2010-09-07T16:42:00.000-07:00

So newest lesson: Along the way there will be times and events that cause you to lose faith. I guess this could be true for life, and a company.

For the day in question, I did everything I could for a member- but that's just it. What i could do was not much, and what's worse is it took a toll on my heart. I mean, literally, I know there are some cases where there's nothing in management I can do and my hands are tied. But what's the point of management if that's the case? And in a case where you have a 20-year member, we as a company have rewarded him with what? A card with tiny words saying that? His years of loyalty literally didn't pay off. I know a company needs to stand by its policies to maintain a profit... but some profits aren't measured financially.

And in these times of economic hardship, companies should value its members, shouldn't it?

Another example, a member who had a motorcycle but didn't have the proper coverage. He'd been with our company for over ten years. Again, it could be seen as 'not our fault' or even that he chose not to properly cover his vehicle.

But really, has loyalty come down to faults and bad decisions? Has it been outweighted by dollar signs and profits?

The question weighing so heavily here is, what's more important:
Loyalty or Policy?

Supervisin' Aint Easy

2010-09-07T16:30:00.000-07:00

I stepped up to a titled position a little over five months ago with the company I've been employed with now for about a year. My ignorance had me believing I could do this with no problem, no stress, and no doubts. Every perception and preconception I had, was, and is, fading like the color of denim blue jeans.

And don't get me wrong, It's not that I'm some young girl with rose colored glasses on, thinking life is easy: I know that anything in life has to be earned and worked hard at to keep, and that things are not always as they seem. I remember thinking in particular one of the best aspects of the position was the responsibility to help agents. Do I still think this? Absolutely. Only now I also know it's all about politics in helping those same agents: Protocols have to be followed, words must be carefully chosen, and emails cleared and backed up. I'm not sure I ever considered being in politics growing up- but clearly, it's not a job field I'd be cut out for.

I also remember thinking there would be some agents out for my blood- those who felt entitled to my position because they'd been here longer or even had better qualifications. What I wasn't ready for, was the loyal friends who weren't so loyal. Those who trusted me before the title, who didn't trust my answers now that I had one. To this day, our friendship has never been the same.

I also wasn't prepared for the backlash on friendship. With the position came an understanding that I can't really talk about things freely anymore... which means the only ones I can talk to freely are those not in the company, or those in management with me. With that itself, its ironic. My supervisor doesn't return my calls, and everyone else? Well that leads me to my next point.

I used to believe everyone in management was someone I wanted to work with, learn from, and look up to... but they aren't. I've found that some can't be trusted because they tell everything to get ahead, and the others just to stay ahead of the trampling they worry they'll get. So maybe I do view the world from rose colored glasses. I've had to learn that some people will do anything to get ahead- including throwing others under the proberbial bus.