The Life of an Oregano Addict

A Jolly Good Fellow

2012-01-26T13:33:00.001+08:00

My Little Girl Has a Crush

2012-01-23T11:12:00.001+08:00

Paige has seemingly developed a crush for this little boy in our neighborhood. As her mother, I would have probably just shrugged it off IF the boy were even remotely adorable, but he's not. And that is the understatement of the year. The poor little boy has not seen a bucket of water in days! He's dirty. He's often walking barefoot and he is always, always buck naked! Yep, his little twiggy is wagging for all the world to see. So, you can just imagine our reaction when we heard Paige's neighborhood bestfriend telling the little boy, "I love you daa sabi ni Paige."

I was amused and a little dismayed, but Erbe's reaction was hilarious! He started critizing our little girl's crush. Which prompted Paige to declare, "Di dai na lugod ako ma-boyfriend!" Erbe retorted back, "Kung ito man lang talaga iboyboyfriend mo, talagang dai na!Dai man lamang karakarigos!" I found the whole exchange hilarious. But my little girl was devastated not to have the support of her Papa.

Just look at Paige's reaction.

The other day, I was calling Paige and she said, "May kakaulayun ako mama." Kakaulayun. The word is amusing which got me curious, "Sisay kakaulayun mo?" She didn't answer. Bek, however, was standing next to her and she told me, "Hinahalat baga ate katong crush niya dian sa luwas." This enraged Paige who started crying and screaming.

I had to bite my lips to keep myself from laughing. And I called her for a fairly short conversation about crushes and naked boys. :)

Single and Fabulous!

2012-01-23T10:48:00.001+08:00

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SM Time

2012-01-23T10:32:00.001+08:00

because this is my blog�

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En Route to Alcoholism Lane

2012-01-20T00:03:00.001+08:00

I still feel like shit. Maybe my friend is right, I should just go right ahead and change the title of this blog to Rants of Oregano Addict.

My life isn't really miserable like I said. It's just that I haven't been sleeping well. Oh, I do sleep, but for the life of me I can't sleep for more than 5-6 hours! I don't function well when I don't sleep for at least 8 hours. I turn into a ~~first-class bitch~~ first-class depressed bitch. Anyway, I thought I'd try the alcoholism route. I thought I'd try a glass of red wine. Maybe it'll give me a little buzz, just enough to treat my sleeping problem. This lack-of-sleep-induced depression has me thinking of my favorite Paolo Coelho book, Veronika Decides to Die.

If you're a bookworm like me, you've probably read Coelho's books. You see, Coelho has taken the world by storm, but I find his writing a bit pretentious. He likes to use words and characters that will try to get the readers to think and ultimately feel stupid for not seemingly getting exactly what Coelho wants to convey. But that's just my opinion. However, Veronika Decides to Die is far from being pretentious. It's enlightening. If you haven't read it, then you should. You'll learn to see things differently. You'll wake up, stand in front of the mirror, put on your tie and think, "I'll be damned, Coelho is right!"

This book is actually a fairly short novel. It's a book which will help you see normal as abnormal and abnormal as well, quite normal. For instance, I've mentioned about the tie. Society dictates that you get up in the morning, put on a tie and go to work. At the end of the day, you come home and you remove your tie and for a single second which you often barely notice, you feel so fucking relieved to finally get rid of the blasted tie. Now, who told you to use a tie when you so obviously hate wearing one? That's right, so-ci-e-ty and obviously, we follow what society dictates for after all, a deviation from the norm is automatically branded as abnormal or erroneous.

The book attempts to convey a simple message: you can conform OR you can rebel against the norm. Choosing the latter allows you to unlock all your desires and live life the way it is meant to be lived. We don't always have to conform. Sussette once told me that she'd rather choose insanity over suicide. She said, she could run naked and it'd be okay. After all, she wouldn't care. Sometimes, we have to give in to bouts of insanity. We have to experiment and realize our capacity and capability. We can't do this if we worry about crooked ties and wrong fonts.

If you ask someone right now, "What would you do if you have a month to live," you can expect a bucket list of dreams and desires. Ironically, everyone lives for tomorrow and not for today, so they won't likely do a single thing in their list today. We forget that we all live a fragile existence and we can't keep on waiting for tomorrow to happen. The fragility of our existence allows us to go a little crazy sometimes and do what our heart tells us to do.

Now, what is on my bucket list? I'll post my list as soon as I get my 8-hour sleep. After all, that's the number one on my list, sleep for as long as I want. Speaking of sleep, I should finish my wine now and hit the sack. By the way, if you bothered to read all that, that could only mean one thing, YOU LOVE ME OR you have nothing else better to do. :)

PFUML

2012-01-18T21:49:00.001+08:00

What does that stand for?

Pretty Fucked Up Miserable Life.

Depressed. Angry. Confused. Worried. Miserable.

Let me wallow.

Say It Again and Again!

2012-01-08T23:37:00.001+08:00

One thing I've learned about being a mother is that shouting doesn't work. Often, Paige would cower, simper and cry when I fail to control my temper and end up shouting at her for something she did. Over the years, I've learned other disciplinary tactics.

For instance, when Paige pretends she can't hear me, forcing me to shout her name over and over again before she'd respond, I would usually ask her to cover her ears. She'd stay like that until I am well satisfied that she gets my point. So, she'd walk around the house, with her hands covering her ears. It usually lasts for several minutes. Usually, however, I observe the "a minute for every year" rule.

Yesterday, Paige and I were talking and she kept inserting the word "udo" in her sentences. It doesn't matter if she makes sense. She'd just keep saying "udo". So, I corrected her, asked her to stop using the word. I thought she understood me until I asked her to ask their yaya to iron her uniform. Off she went and then I heard her repeat my request to Bek. I failed to hear the yaya's answer but I heard Paige said, "ay brownout? Akala ko kaya UDO."

Gahd.

So, I promptly called her and asked her to sit on the bed. I told her to say the word "udo" over and over again until she's so tired of saying it, she wouldn't say it again. So, she started, "udo, udo, udo, udo, udo.."

In truth, it was amusing. I had to turn my head, so she wouldn't see me smiling. At that time, I was holding Riley who was asleep. Eventually, Riley woke up. And she saw Paige, sitting there muttering "udo, udo, udo, udo".

At this juncture, Paige's muttering has attained a certain rhythm. I was still trying not to smile, but I was struggling. Riley, however, didn't know her ate was being punished. She stood up and she started dancing to "udo, udo, udo" Her head was bobbing, knees bending and hands clapping to the rhythm of "udo, udo, udo".

It was hilarious. I burst out laughing and as you may well expect, Paige's punishment ended. Ah! the joys of motherhood! :)

Dilemma

2012-01-08T23:14:00.001+08:00

I have been plagued with this freaking dilemma for the last couple of months. I had a plan, a good one. It would have been easier if things happened exactly the way I planned. Uh, no. Au contraire, fate has been playing jokes on me, one after another.

Damn it.

I knew this wouldn't be easy, but fate is making it even harder. I am having difficulty getting out of my comfort zone. With all these curveballs, folding in a fetus position and staying inside this box is preferable to all the uncertainties I am getting. Darn it. I like it here. Please don't make me come out.

Flinch by Alanis Morissette

2012-01-07T10:48:00.001+08:00

Now, this one is for you, my dear dear friend. Soon, you will grow up and you will not flinch at the mention of his name. :)

What's it been over a decade?
It still smarts like it was four minutes ago
We only influenced each other totally
We only bruised each other even more so

What are you my blood? You touch me like you are my blood
What are you my dad? You affect me like you are my dad

How long can a girl be shackled to you
How long before my dignity is reclaimed
How long can a girl stay haunted by you
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name

Where've you been? I heard you moved to my city
My brother saw you somewhere downtown
I'd be paralyzed if I ran into you
My tongue would seize up if we were to meet again

What are you my god? You touch me like you are my god
What are you my twin? You affect me like you are my twin

How long can a girl be tortured by you?
How long before my dignity is reclaimed
And how long can a girl be haunted by you
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name

So here I am one room away from where I know you're standing
A well-intentioned man told me you just walked in
This man knows not of how this information has affected me
But he knows the colour of the car I just drove away in

What are you my kin? You touch me like you are my kin
What are you my air? You affect me like you are my air

Holdin On And Letting Go by Ross Copperman

2012-01-07T10:15:00.001+08:00

Is anybody out there?
Is anybody listening?
Does anybody really know if its the end of the beginning?
The quiet rush of one breath
Is all we're waiting for
Sometimes the one we�re taking
Changes every one before..

[Chorus]
It's everything you wanted, it's everything you don't
It's one door swinging open and one door swinging closed
Some prayers find an answer
Some prayers never know
We're holding on and letting go

Sometimes we're holding angels
And we never even know
Don't know if we'll make it,
But we know,
We just can't let it show

It's one door swinging open and one door swinging closed
Some prayers find an answer
Some prayers never know
We're holding on and letting go

It's everything you wanted, it's everything you don't
It's one door swinging open and one door swinging closed
Some prayers find an answer
Some prayers never know
We're holding on and letting go

Download Holding On and Letting Go.

Who Do You Think You Are?

2012-01-05T21:11:00.001+08:00

Mushrooms

2012-01-03T23:54:00.001+08:00

Happy New Year?

2012-01-03T17:12:00.001+08:00

I swore I wouldn't write anything, but after watching How I Met Your Mother, I finally gave in. I don't believe in New Year's resolutions. I believe, however, that New Year makes you introspective. The turn of the year makes you want to sit down and take a good look at where your life is going. This new year scares me. Everything is all up in the air. Should I take the bar exam or not? Should I pursue teaching this year or not? Everything is all up there. I have my plans but I don't know how everything will pan out. It's not all within my control and I hate that.

In truth, new year is just another day. It passes like any other day. There is nothing special that really happens that marks the passing of another year. The sun breaks and the night settles in as they should. Curiously, however, it doesn't pass like any other day in our minds. Because it's passing affects us. It scares us, worries us, excites us. It makes us hopeful or frightful. It makes us sad or happy. It makes us question our lives and our plans. It forces us to take a good look at ourselves.

For some this year is going to be exciting and they already know it. For some, they dread that this year is just going to be like every year of their lives. For others, like me, this year marks the crossroads of their lives.

For me, this is the year to make some huge changes and finding the courage to make those changes and pursue a greater purpose. I told Erbe that this year scares me. He said, "because of the prophecy?" It took a while for me to understand what prophecy he was talking about. When the answer dawned on me, I burst out laughing and I laughed and laughed and laughed. No, it's definitely not the prophecy. This scares me because I am being forced to make some changes and I definitely like where I am in right now. Unfortunately, I have to make these changes. :(

Anyway, happy New Year my dear readers. I don't know who you are and what you wish to achieve this year, but I sincerely hope that you find what you're looking for.

Bullshit and Blessings

2011-12-16T08:40:00.001+08:00

Nice title, huh?

I am having a good morning as opposed to the kind of morning I had yesterday. Yesterday was crappy. I guess my good morning is partly because of the rain. I love the rain and I think I have blogged about how much I love the rain that I should just create a category for it or change my blog title to "Have I Told You How Much I Love the Rain Because I Love the Rain. Oh Yes, I Do! Yes, I Do! So, Have I Told You How Much I Love the Rain?" Yes, that long.

Well, anyway, my good mood is partly because of the rain and my salary raise. :)

Well, that's basically it. That covers the "Blessings" part in the title of this post. Now, let's go to the Bullshit part.

You see, I have this little issue that I can't seem to recover from. You know how we talk about people behind their backs? I mean, you know, we gossip about them. C'mon, don't tell me you haven't done this?! Who are you freaking Mother Teresa?! The Pope?!

Anyway, we've all done this. We do this to family, to friends, to colleagues, to strangers. We do this with or without malice. We stab them behind their backs or we deluge them with praises. It doesn't matter. We, by nature, talk about other people. And accordingly, people talk about us. That's just how it is. It's the brutal nature of society. I guess, we've all accepted that. What is hard to deal with, however, is learning what people think of us or what they say about us when our backs are turned. It is even harder when these are the people we consider our friends, best friends even.

Yesterday, a friend of mine sent me a text message she was supposed to send to someone else. The message was about me. She was not planning to assassinate me. She was not assailing my character to little pieces. In fact, there was some truth to what she was saying, but it was how she said it that hurt me - a lot. It was the words she chose to use. It came as a shock. It reeked of cowardice. I realized I am not as mad as much as I am hurt. She could have just told me right?

The thing is I don't mince words. I tell people what I think when I feel I have to. In a way, I think it's my way of making up for saying things behind their back (because yes, I do that, sue me.) Because of this, I feel that people should be honest about their feelings too. Anyway, in this case, she sent the bomb and it went off. Did she apologize? Yes, she did. She said that she was "sowee."

So, there goes the bullshit.

Hey.

2011-12-13T04:14:00.001+08:00

I LOVE YOU.

Disoriented

2011-12-12T13:03:00.001+08:00

I slept at 9 in the morning, this morning and I'm awake now. It's 1 in the afternoon. It's my husband's fault. He opens the door, closes the door, opens the light, closes the light and talks to me even though he knows I'm asleep. Needless to say, I finally woke up, scream bloody murder and now I can't sleep. My head is pounding.

Early this morning, I saw a pencil and I started sketching, It has been a while since I drew anything and I just allowed my hand to do whatever it wants to do. And I came up with this

Whoopee. Years of not drawing and I came up with this weird shit. Sigh.

For the One Who Got Away :)

2011-12-12T04:57:00.001+08:00

Anxiety Attack

2011-12-11T22:52:00.001+08:00

I knew it would come to this. I thought I was prepared for it, but it seems like I am not. I should be, but I am panicking. I feel like I can't breathe. God damn it. Crossroads. I've reached my crossroads and if things go as planned, I will be jumping into the fires of hell again. I wish I didn't see it like that, but I do. I have six months to change my perception and hopefully, a positive change will yield positive outcome. I am covering all the bases. uh.huh. I am making sure that I have all the bases covered this time and I have Plan A and Plan B all set up. The Fires of Hell is Plan A but I am setting things in motion for Plan B as well.

Dear Lord. I hope I am ready for this. 2012, give me your best shot, bitch.

Damn It.

2011-12-10T19:09:00.001+08:00

I had that dream again where I wake up with a gnawing emptiness in my stomach. Damn it.

I prefer to lie to myself. I prefer to believe in this little truths/lies that I tell myself. I don't understand it really. I don't understand how something or someone can have that much hold. It's weird. It doesn't make sense at all. It defies the rational, the reasonable.

So, I tell myself that little lie and convince myself it's true. But then, I'd sleep and the truth will rear its head. Damn it. Just.Get.Out.Of.My.Head will you? Go away!

Three Two

2011-12-02T01:50:00.001+08:00

The first time I took notice of her, I was sitting behind her in class. She was #1 in class - and sometimes #2. I was often #3 in class, next to her and Lala. She's a scary loser though. Well, she used to be. One time, she ranked 2nd next to Marla, she got mad and she broke Lala's pencil in half. We were in first grade.

My next memory of her was in 2nd grade. It was recess and we were playing Chinese Garter. She was just about to make a jump when her cousin (our classmate) pulled the garter and she fell on her face. Her front tooth fell off. I had to wait for her while she gargled and spit out the blood from her mouth. We were late for our First Communion practice.

From then on, she became a part of my life. We have seen each other through a lot of things for 24 years. There are a lot of great memories and a lot of painful ones. I have seen her grow from a child to the strong woman she is now. Although, I've always loved her, I have also learned to respect her. I think she is one of the person in my life that I hold in the highest regard. She is often stubborn, but she's the kind of person who would always, always do the right thing.

You can never make her cheat or lie. She has her beliefs and she stands by them. She values friendship and she values family. After everything that has happened to her, I have never been so proud of her for being the strong, principled woman that she is. While I lose respect for some people, I only have the greatest respect for her. Oh, there were times when she pissed me off. There were times when I wanted to scream at her. She's great at pissing me off actually. It's hard to quarrel with her though because she's great at ignoring me until I get tired of being mad. I love her for being like that and for the hundred little things that make her who and what she is - a woman who knows her mind.

We're back to square one, Tin. But let's not give up on lighting candles...like you used to do. You know what I mean. I love you to bits. Go and be fabulous. Happy Birthday.

The Things I Learned from Being a Mom

2011-11-19T02:07:00.001+08:00

I am not your typical mom. In fact, I am so atypical that I envy the normal ones, you know regular mothers. I have my own way of doing things. I think I frustrate Erbe who is so traditional in his views that he probably regrets marrying me. I think he starts his prayers with, "Dear God, please help me reform my wife."

If you were married to me and you are quite traditional, you will regret it. You see, I believe not all women are born with this overwhelming desire to clean the house, chop onions and grate cheese.

Okay, I know there are great pleasures they said you'd derive from "serving" your husband or your children. One word comes to mind though every time I hear this chauvinistic statement - ARCHAIC. Seriously?! I'd probably do these things because I see them as:

1. Things I have to do because nobody else will do them

2. Things I want to do because it'll please my husband

However, #2 is negotiable. It depends on how pleased I am with the husband as well. If he's being an ass, should I still try to please His Majesty?

Anyway, I digress. This post is supposedly about The Things I Learned from Being a Mom. Yes, I've learned things. I am not an idiot; although I know I am not a contender for Mother of the Year award. In fact, I'd probably lose if I'm in a contest. Not only will I lose, I'd probably rank last. You see, I am a screamer. I scream when I get frustrated. These are not squeaks. These are blood-curling "I'm-murdering-someone-right-now" kind of scream. I have awful temper. My sister thinks (and I agree) that it's probably because I have depleted estrogen supply. Yes, I'm squeezing in my own lame excuse.

Still, despite my lack of motherly values, I am learning some things from being a mother:

(Let's pause for a while here. Okay, get your serious groove on...)

So, here it goes:

1. I've learned that children have to be respected too. Seriously, that's probably the most valuable thing I've learned. Some parents lord over their children just because they know they can. I hate that.

2. I've learned how to gauge temperatures without even using a thermometer. It's an amazing talent that I have recently acquired. I actually insert my fingers in the armpit and then I'd give my reading. I test my results by using a thermometer and I'm often right! Yes, you're probably wondering right now why I did not just use the thermometer in the first place...riiiiiight. You see, I'm weird like that. I do because I can. I hate waiting for the reading. I'll let you in a well-known secret - I'm highly impatient. I hate waiting. I do that as well because I enjoy messing with Erbe. I'm his wife after all. All in a day's work. I thoroughly enjoyed Erbe's reaction the first time he saw me doing it.

3. Children lie. Yes, they do. They are honest most of the time, but they can lie. Little liars. They'd look you in the eyes and tell you, "You're not fat, Mama." So, the next time a child tells you that she's telling you the truth. Give her a dead stare and say, "The wolf is going to eat you, sweetheart and nobody's gonna help you if you keep lying." Well, that's what I say. Again, I am not the best mother.

4. Children can change you. Remember I said I'm a screamer? I realized I don't need estrogen injections to cure me of this temper. Recently, I have noticed Paige covering her ears once my voice starts to rise. It was like a bucket full of water was poured over my head the first time I saw her do it. No..actually, it was like finding myself buried in a glacier with my head poking out and with a hungry penguin pecking at my face. (Do penguins peck by the way, or do they bite?) Still, it left me ashamed of myself.

5. Your children come first but you need to be selfish sometimes. See? I doubt it if other mothers think the same way. I know that my children's needs come ahead of mine. For instance, I'd go to the mall and I'd come out with purchases. 98% of these things are for them. 1% is for Erbe - and often that's just lungan (because he loves it) and the other 1% is for me and often it's a loaf of bread, slice bread in particular. Yes, that's all I get. But then, what I've come to realize is that for me to ensure my sanity and to keep my temper in check, I need my selfish moments. I need to set boundaries. I need my children including my husband to respect those boundaries.

Well, anyway, I'm still learning. I think I'll probably cover all the basics once Paige turns 45. But then again, I'd be learning how to deal with a 45-year-old daughter. So.

Love

2011-11-19T02:02:00.001+08:00

Love.

It's a simple four letter word. It's practically a cliche. For love is a whore of a word. It has been used so often as a lie or as the truth. It's easy to say...love. It rolls out the tongue like a soft breeze in a summer night. It's easy to say. What it is, however, is difficult to find. Everybody wants it. Everybody is looking for it, but not everyone finds it.

Love.

Sometimes, you think you have it and then then you'd find yourself wondering if you really truly had it. It's what makes people give up their faith or give up on their dreams. Ironically, it's also the one thing that can truly drive men to great heights. It's consuming.

With love, there are no half-measures. Either you're with it, you're in it - or you're not. It does not give some tepid warmth. It's consuming. It eats your soul. Curiously, however, to some that has truly find it, love is comforting as well. It's an unpredictable dance with fate. It's strange yet familiar. It's the burnt coals that are left once the fire is gone. It's soothing.

For some though, love is an eternal dream. Something that you feel is real but once you reach out to it, you're left with nothing. Some people tries to fill up the void with something else, but it's there. It's a need that may go away for some, but it's always there. Some people, however, eventually find peace in their solitary lives. For love comes in different forms, some people content themselves with whatever they'd find. It does not matter if its love for their children, love for work or the love for a person they cannot have. For some love is not something you trifle with. So, some friends refuse to cross the line. They cherish their friendship all their lives - forever toying with the idea. Wondering.

Not everyone knows they have it though. Life gets in the way and love gets buried. Some people have forgotten that love can be so powerful. A word that stems from love can make the strongest man cry.

But then there are some people who know they have it. Love to them is knowing that they can just easily give a kiss or a hug - and know that it's welcomed and it's right. They can say "I love you" and they'd hear the same words back. It doesn't matter when or where. It's knowing things that others don't. Love to them is solace. It's knowing that regardless of where they are, as long as they're together, they'd find home.

- Post Inspired by the Movie "One Day" :)

Drowning

2011-11-04T18:15:00.002+08:00

Drowning. That's how I feel.
I feel like I need to swim to the surface fast, just to breathe.
That's what I am doing.
I wonder where you draw the lines. I wonder when you throw in the towel. I wonder when should you stop caring or hurting or giving a damn. Because seriously, nobody wants you to give a damn. Nobody really gives a shit whether you cry or not.
Oh, this is not about my marriage - I suppose you're thinking, "Are they having problems?"
No, it's not
It's about giving a damn, feeling shitty for somebody else's shit.
I just wish I'd stop caring.
Well, anyway, I have my life to live. So, I should just think about that.

Interlude

2011-10-31T01:06:00.001+08:00

Lately, I have realized that respect is a necessary ingredient in all kinds of relationships. You really can't have a relationship with a person you don't respect. How do you relate to someone you can't respect? How do you continue to love someone you do not respect?

No, my marriage is not under the rocks. I'm what you call semi-happy. My husband would call our marriage, however, a marriage of eternal bliss. I guess it all boils down to what makes an individual happy. There are things I want and I need. My issues are wholly my own. They have nothing to do with my husband who I might say is a saint. It has nothing to do with the kind of relationship we have. There are some things I have to work out for myself. If my marriage is semi-happy, that'd be because I am my problem. Erbe, however, would tell you that we are very, very happy. The truth is, we are.

I wish I can write something humorous. But lately, life has not been humorous for me.

I deleted a post - the one I wrote before this.

In case, you didn't read it. I want you to know that I did create another blog, my online journal. Something I'd keep to myself. Oh, it's out there. I'm in my most awesome asshole form there. Bitch of all bitches. I just want to keep it to myself though. I can be my honest self there.

Meanwhile, I will keep posting on this one. Just because I can. So, there.

Adieu

2011-09-10T23:41:00.000+08:00

This blog has its good run. I enjoyed writing for this blog, but I feel that I should start a new one. Blogging is my emotional outlet. I take out my garbage here. Unfortunately, it has come to a point where I can no longer write to my heart's content because I am considering my readers' feelings - and I don't want to consider anybody's feelings but my own when I am writing. I cannot control who reads my blog and unfortunately, I do not like some of my readers - yes, that includes you.

So, I am going to stop writing for this blog and continuing on with another one. Since you are reading this right now, you probably would like to know my new blog's URL address - OR not. Well, if you do, send me an email and I will send my blog address to you, that is if I like you. If I don't, I'll probably just send you an article entitled 10 Good Reasons Why I Think You Should Jump Off a Cliff. Well, it was great writing for you - well, some of you. I bid you adieu. :)