Writing my wrongs and rights...

Win, Lose or Draw

2013-03-20T16:38:00.000-04:00

There comes a time in all of our lives when we'll be faced with success or failure. When we must decide whether to moved forward, take a step back or the hardest choice of all; to stand still. Will your actions cause you to win, to lose or draw? Winning doesn't always come with the victors cup. Losing doesn't rule you out the next stage of the game and drawing can be the difference between winning or losing. When you draw, you have to decide whether you're throwing in your hand for a better game. Are you standing still for a better opportunity? Or are you too afraid to play the game? As of lately, I've been constantly drawing. I've been throwing in good hands because I was too afraid of my own success. I've simply not made a move because I allowed fear, doubt and procrastination to be the driving force in my life. I have been riddled with regrets and what if's. I know now that standing still is not an option for me. I can't turn in my hand or skip my turn. I have to move full force ahead with the hand I was dealt. I have to play all my cards whether I win or lose. But one thing for sure...I must take action! What do you need to act on? What issues or circumstances have you allowed to stalemate your success? Are you afraid of success or failure? Now is the time to decide to win, lose or draw.

STOP RUSHING

2010-12-06T02:00:00.002-05:00

In my courtship with Life; I flirted with Wisdom, which led to my dating Knowledge and ultimately marrying Understanding, who prevailed in the end. At times I still abide in the abyss of simply knowing without understanding. As I examine, explain, stress over, and enjoy the situations of life, I find many similar themes. The common lesson that I’ve been learning as of lately is to stop RUSHING! I can tie this theme into the central challenges of my life and probably yours. Have you ever been driving on the freeway, stuck behind a slow vehicle? Just when you decide to gun it and float past the yahoo in front of you, something tells you to be Patient…take your time…don’t RUSH. When you decide to listen to that voice, you notice the hook (police) hidden on the side and you just saved yourself from a ticket. In love, relationships, dating, test taking, meeting, driving, eating or simply going about your daily life; the more time you take the better you are. It’s always when you begin to RUSH, you forget the most important element. Professors always tell you to read every question on a test thoroughly and don’t RUSH. Your parent(s) told you to chew your food slowly, so you wouldn’t choke. Everyone says it’s better to take you time getting to know someone, don’t just jump in. But what if the chemistry is there? What if the knowledge is there? You may be tempted to Rush past the red flags, the courting, the condoms, the late night-hours-on-the-phone convo’s and the true magic of it all. Chemistry without the right kind of alchemy will lose its spark without the knowledge to sustain it. Knowledge has no meaning without understanding. Patience cannot be a personal virtue, if you RUSH through the aspects of life. Though you may be tempted to RUSH, don’t. (I Corinthians 10:13)

UNDERSTANDING

2010-12-02T12:53:00.000-05:00

If Mona Lisa was his muse
I couldn't tell by her eyes...
If Judas was the truth
I couldn't tell by his lies...
If the world was united
I couldn't tell by the spies...
Daughter of the truth
Can't you see it in my eyes...
If you knew the truth
You wouldn't try to steal my prize...

Get an understanding for yourself!

Unanswered Questions

2010-10-20T02:33:00.000-04:00

I keep trying to fight back tears;redirect my thinking. But the reality is, I feel defeated. I try to find comfort in this bottle of coke and bag of chips. Not working. Empty calories, same regret. What am I missing and or doing wrong? I'm tired of this dark cloud following me and preventing the sun. I know I said I would not complain, wince or cry aloud but when everyone believes the smile on your face and don't recognize the pain in your heart; what do you do? How do you regain that which is lost, that which you never had before? Success. How do you forgive hurtful words, gossip and disrespect? Friends. Which way do you turn when you were traveling in the wrong direction from start? GOD. When do you realize the things you need you had all along? Content. How do you get the things you've always wanted and your heart desired? Faith. When do souls meet and lust leave? Love. From work to relationships, my heart is heavy and mixed with steel. Troubles at work, between friends, waiting for a romance to begin. Finding my way, seeking the light, pursuing a purpose, passionately right.

Sickle Cell PSA :: Face the Facts :: PSA 1

2010-09-01T00:46:00.000-04:00

THINKING OUT LOUD

2010-08-29T00:03:00.000-04:00

I feel myself drifting. I feel the unshed tears lining in my eyes. I try to swallow, to push down that lump of uncertainty, unhappiness, doubt. I try to foucs but my mind has many thoughts. I try to see but I can't focus on the vision. I search for direction but I stand lost. Sensory overload. Debt. Dreams. Passion. Discipline. Discerment. Stewardship. Love. Loss. Work. Tide. Caregiver. Free loader. Slacker. Grace. Mercy. Hine sight. Who or what, shall I become?

EVOLUTION

2010-08-01T00:15:00.001-04:00

In the heart of the struggle, that's where I laid my claim. In the midst of the puzzle, that's where I felt my pain...
My thinking was misguided and my vision was blurred. In love, relationships, work and trying to find my passion; I felt that I was always coming up short, missing that finishing piece to the puzzle. When things didn't go my way, I felt struggle was a punishment. But struggle has taught me appreciation, discipline and perseverance. As we grow and mature, our thinking should change, we should evolve. In the evolution of myself, I choose to learn from past experiences and reflect on it. When things don't go my way, I take a different approach and have a different reaction. As I search for love, life and the pursuit of my happiness, I now lay claim to destiny. I now feel joy. I recently took a short trip to visit a friend in Florida. His insight on life and his accomplishments made me want to do and be better. Eric made me think optimistically about the future by doing nothing at all besides living his life. His confidant stroll, his successful endeavors, his 2 year promotional plan and his demeanor made me do my own soul searching. I am thankful that I have all that I need but now I'm journeying towards the things that I want. I'm looking forward to the future and with each baby step, I am evolving!

HOW DO YOU SPELL SUCCESS?

2010-07-18T02:25:00.001-04:00

Today was my 10 year class reunion and I believe I had a brief panic attack before I went! So many thoughts clouded my mind. I thought about borrowing my sister car because my car doesn't scream success with its broken headlight and loud muffler. I thought about what I would say if someone asked me what I did for a living. Would I talk about the degrees I'm not using or my books that aren't exactly selling? I thought about overdrawing my account to get dolled up. Nothing says success like a power suit, clipped ends and manicured nails! I thought about how I'm not married and struggling to follow my dreams. I'm not going to lie and say that it isn't hard standing on the promises of the Creator when no resolution is in sight. I'm not going to pretend to not have measured success by dollars and cents. I have to admit, I felt unsuccessful. At the last minute I decided to go, as me, no rehearsed stories and no last minute dates. I washed my hair, threw on an old dress and drove my '92 Nissan to the reunion. I had a blast! In the midst of the tributes, dinner and laughter, I felt successful. Growth is a success that cant be brought or sold. I have grown in these past years, I no longer have to search for my passion or life's meaning nor am I haunted by mistakes of the past. I may not have made NY times best sellers list (yet) but I am a published author. I've traveled with a play. I followed my heart across the country. I have experienced love and loss and those are the true successes of life. I didn't feel the need to name drop, boast or brag. Though, I've met some wonderful people and had some amazing experiences in these past ten years, what I deem to be successful may not be my classmates definition and I'm fine with that. I am fine with me. I know that I'm not where I want to be but I'm getting closer to that destination. I am successful in my own right. I have conquered blindness, knee surgeries, sickle cell, unemployment and more. I am alive and breathing and still journeying towards success. Having the breath of life is a great success.

SEARCHING

2010-06-15T03:19:00.000-04:00

It is 3am and what began as a job search, turned into a blog post. Though the need is great, the urgency is low because it is not fueled by passion. That sums it up. My passion lies in writing, traveling, outreach, reading and consistent learning. How can I type that into CareerBuilder? How do I simply become who I envision myself to be? If I could write my life tonight and live it tomorrow, oh what a perfect world that would be! But the reality of the life I live is... applying for jobs, going on interviews, getting turned down, being frustrated but steadily moving forward in search of a career. As the days goes by and I'm still unemployed, I can't help but to journey towards understanding my purpose in this "Life." I'm still trying to make sense of it all, I just want to be successful.

I BELIEVE I CAN FLY

2010-04-30T00:06:00.000-04:00

Have you ever had a yearning displaced and abandoned? A passion unfulfilled is like water in the desert sun, evaporating. We fail to explore because we fail ourselves, we give up before we even try. I'm guilty of it at times. We think that the task is too hard or the dream is too far fetched, when in reality we are positioned for greatness. The transformation of a caterpillar is inevitable. The crawling caterpillar is predestined to become a beautiful creature. It does not fight change, for it can not. Does it know that it will one day fly? Even if it didn't, the caterpillar stills move forward towards change. What if we adopted an attitude that forced us to act? Predestined for greatness and beauty. Would we fail to try? Would we force ourselves in a cocoon of doubt or manifestation? Would we accept our greatness and change for the better? Believing that all things change, I choose to evolve and change for the better. I choose to believe that one day soon, I will fly? Can we soar together?

DELTA MEANS CHANGE

2010-04-29T23:43:00.000-04:00

For sometime now, I've been aware of my situation but not aware of my actions. I've been focusing on how outside forces affected my life rather than monitoring my own interactions. As I read through my years of journals, I find myself relearning the same lessons, being in the same predicaments and feeling the same way. Today as I looked at my diminishing bank account and my expanded waist, I thought, I've been here before. I've been broke before, weighed down, depressed and at the end of my rope; but never at the end of hope. I always had faith, pride and a reputation of being an over comer. For one reason or another, I have turned into a complainer boarding on a quitter. I complain about the economy, my lack of resources, my current situation and more. No action just complaints. It's hard to look at yourself in the mirror when you realize how much you have changed for the worse. This long stint of unemployment and the ending of my relationship has turned me into a cynical creature. So I decided today once and for all I would change. No more complaints, even if the core of my being is exploding, I will not cry out. I will not complain. I gave the blog a face lift with brighter colors and now it is time for my life to resemble a new change, a new me. After all, I am a Delta and Delta means change!

THE TUBE

2010-02-22T22:55:00.000-05:00

So, I'm watching tv, I do a lot of that lately and the commercials are ridiculous. Growing up I remember the "I'm a bill" commercial, Double Mint, Mentos, Kix. Hey, where's Mikey? I don't remember seeing commercials about herpes, cell phones, male enhancement or any other junk that you see now. I mean even the PSA's have changed. I remember the Smokey the Bear PSA's..."Only you can prevent forrest fires," or my all time fav, "Smoking stinks...YUCK!" Today I actually seen a PSA warning teens about the dangers of sending naked picture through text, they call it SEXTIN I think. Really? We need commercials about sexting? What is this world coming too? Don't get me started on reality tv. Boy do I need a job!

UNEMPLOYED IN A FRENZY

2010-02-20T23:00:00.000-05:00

Youth. You can never get it back. As I look at my lined face, Im only 27 but I have changed. It scares me, the thought of getting older. I think if I could only go back, I would have done so many things different. I would have waited, I would have act, I would have tried, I would have done. I can't go back and moving forward is hard to do. Where do I start, where do I go, who should I be? How do I look forward with optimistic eyes when I'm not sure about what I'm seeing? Did I miss my chance? Am I too late? I feel like a battered woman or a sheltered housewife, afraid to leave. Knowing that I'm not in the ideal situation but leaving, starting over and acting is hard to do. How do I become a writer, find that perfect job, find myself? Depressed in despair but focused on hope. Doubtful in my actions but faithful in my destiny. Tired of thinking but ready to act. This is the grand paradox. The life I live, past present and future...

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU'RE UNEMPLOYED?

2010-02-18T18:42:00.000-05:00

Many blogs, newspaper articles and internet sites have advice for the unemployed. However, those that are posting are not unemployed, in fact they are getting paid as they type. Being unemployed during this time of economic struggle is hard. There simply is no one size fits all method for gaining unemployment and reentering the work force. It boggles my mind to read some of the suggestions they offer as they sit back and type in their secure offices, comfy homes, with a steady stream of income. I read that I should start a business, join a gym, take up a dancing class and more. Many unemployed citizens are like me, living on unemployment checks and dreading the day that it runs out. We don't have disposable income to waste. If we could start a business we wouldn't spend all day on Careerbuilder, Hotjobs, Indeed and Monster. It's just not that simple. Yes, we have more free time to invest in our dreams but monetarily we don't have it. Here is my top 5 things to do when you are unemployed. I understand that my suggestions are not law, it might not work for everyone but it's not designed to help you gain employment, its designed to help you cope in the meantime, in the stressful time, in the here and now. And yes I am still unemployed and taking my own advice!

1) Go back to school. The government has financial aid programs that supports displaced workers. You can gain experience in a new trade or field. There are tons of sites on the internet that will give you more information and you can get the most valuable information at your local unemployment office

2) Volunteer. It doesn't cost anything to help someone in need. This is your time to give back and make a difference. Sometimes, helping people worse off than yourself, gives you a new found insight on the grand scheme of things. Try volunteering with a non-profit close to your heart once a month, I promise, you will feel better and more optimistic about your situation.

3) Work out. I'm not telling you to join a gym that cost but simply get out the house and get moving. If you have a family, it can be a family affair. You can have relay races to get that cardio going or simply jog around your neighborhood. Studies prove exercise relieve stress and if you're unemployed like me, your stress level is creeping up just a bit.

4) Write out a bucket list. Write out your goals and post them where you can see them daily. This will give you the courage and the strength to keep persevering. Maybe your list contains all the things you want to do when you get a job, your dream job or simply your goals in life. Either way, its not a bad idea to have a plan, even if it takes you a few years to accomplish. Even when I find a job, I probably won't be able to travel to Africa, Paris and Amsterdam but I will one day and I hold myself to that.

5) Repair your credit. What? I know that's what you're thinking. How can I repair my credit when I'm getting deeper in debt as the days go by? It cost nothing to order a free credit report and if you don't have internet access at home, you can go to your local library. However, knowledge is power. Know where you stand. Dispute old debt, which is also free of charge. Take care of the old things and when you find a job you can take care of the new things.

VALENTINES REMINDER

2010-02-14T22:29:00.000-05:00

Four years ago today, I underwent surgery to restore sight in my right eye and prevent blindness in my left. I can remember the events leading up to it like it was yesterday. I was working as a management trainee and living in a studio apartment downtown Detroit. I was just coming into my own. Then a curve ball, more like a foul ball hit me right in the face, metaphorically speaking of course. I had noticed for sometime that my vision in my right eye was diminishing but after having two knee surgeries, my gallbladder removed and battling sickle cell all of my life, I didn't want to bother with the doctor. Finally, I decided to get my eyes checked out because I literally couldn't see. I went in for an appointment and I was scheduled for surgery that following week on Valentine's Day. I was not prepared, no short term disability, no rainy day savings and an imperative surgery. I was so calm before the surgery to the tune that I drove myself to the hospital. It was a 5 1/2 hour procedure. After I came to, the pain crippled my body and every fiber of my being felt like it was being pushed to its limit. For two months I was in recovery. My days and nights consisted of, laying face down. If I sat up, I had to have my head titled down. The doctor said that I needed to be face down 23 hours out of the day. My mother would watch me throughout the night to make sure I was sleeping face down because I am a wild sleeper. After the bandages came off, I was so self conscious about my eyes. My eyelashes was shaved off, my eyes were beat red, you couldn't even see the white of my eye. It looked gross. Eye drops and pain killers were my meal of choice. I promised myself back then to live life to the fullest and not take a moment for granted. I told myself if I could make it through that, I could make it through anything and believe me it was touch and go for a minute. Needless to say I got better. Somehow, I let that urgency die; that zealous pursuit of my dreams. The momentum is gone, the morale is low. How did I get this way? Dammit, why can't I have a happy ending; someone picks me out a crowd or my dream job placed at my feet? I've been through so much. I've been working since I was 16. I've self published 2 books and volunteered for more causes than I can remember. YOU OWE ME...screaming with my hands stretched up to the heavens. Reality check: If all of my volunteerism was done hoping for a reward then I labored in vain. The trails that I have overcame is preparing me for my destiny. I have lost it all, the company car, the good job, the lavish high rise apartment overlooking Canada. Material things. I have gained something far better than material. I used to say that I didn't know what I wanted to do in my life after I lost my job but the truth was that I didn't know how to make it happen. I'm still not sure how to make all of my wildest dreams come true but if I never try, I will never learn how to succeed. I said it before and I will say it again...it is time to reclaim my life. I have to stop this roller-coaster ride with my destiny and stop worrying about being unemployed. I have to push myself to the limit, even past it, in order to succeed. I have to do the things that make me feel happy. I have to get out my comfort zone. I simply have to ACT. And I will...

GIVING WAY

2010-02-12T22:34:00.000-05:00

Did I tell you I chipped my front tooth and that I'm unemployed? Sounds like a familiar song, eh? Blah Blah Blah... what to do with my freaking time, life and worries??? Any suggestions? It's all good. As long as I have life, I will continue to overcome. When I'm not so comfortable I will move. When I am sure, I will do. When I worry, I will pray. Mistakes are only lessons learned. Decisions give way to plans, plans give way to action, action gives way to persistence, persistence gives way to accomplishments. Nothing left to it but to do it. I can write about finance, romance and future plans, but I will keep you hanging on until I post again!

Octavia E. Butler

2010-02-12T02:05:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine introduced me to the writings of Octavia E. Butler last year. Of Butlers fourteen published titles, I have read five of them. I have absolutely fallen in love with her words, creativity and outlook on life. Although, Butler passed away in 2006, her writings will always be eternal, timeless and classic. With that being said, I am dedicating this post to Octavia E. Butler. I hope you can relate to her logic and writing as I have. I want to write soooooooo much more but I will showcase her writings and you will see why I hold her in such high esteem.

"I am a fifty-three-year old writer who can remember being a ten-year-old writer and who expects someday to be an eighty-year-old writer. I'm also comfortably asocial--a hermit in the middle of Seattle--a pessimist if I'm not careful, a feminist, a black, a former Baptist, an oil-and-water combination of ambition, laziness, insecurity, certainty, and drive."
I value people who know themselves. Seldomly do people point out their flaws. Butler speaks volumes on a person that is in touch with ones strengths and weakness. I too am a hermit in the middle of Atlanta, who can remember being a young writer, who hopes to be a successful aged writer, with that same oil and water combination of ambition, laziness, insecurity, certainty and drive.

"...I didn't believe much in writing talent. People who want to write either do it or they don't. At last I began to say that my most important talent--or habit--was persistence. Without it, I would have given up writing long before I finished my first novel. It's amazing what we can do if we simply refuse to give up....It applies to anything that is important, but difficult, important, but frightening. We're all capable of climbing so much higher than we usually permit ourselves to suppose. The word, again, is "persist"!"
Wow! Am I a writer? Yes. Am I good at writing? Yes. Is it a talent? No. There are many things that I can do well but my most proficient talent is overcoming. Sickle cell, blindness, knee surgeries, unemployement, heartbreak, death...yes I have overcome. However, I want to learn that word again...PERSIST. I want to be persistent in the merging of my dreams with my realities. The difference betwwen those that make it and those that don't is not talent or lack thereof, most times it's lack of persistence. Use your own talent to persistently do and overcome and in time you will succeed.

Thank you Octavia E. Butler for reminding me of this!

AIR, PLANS AND TEETH

2010-02-12T01:35:00.000-05:00

Strike 3 always marks you're out. What about do overs? Best out of 5?!! So my week has been a world wind of emotions and let downs. I had a job interview with DC Teaching Fellows. Two things happened, mother nature sent 14 inches of snow to the DC Maryland area and my college grades weren't high enough to become a fellow. WTH? I wish I would have known this before they invited me to interview and before I bought my non refundable ticket. Let the record show, I graduated from 2 different higher ed institutions. I had a 2.65 and a 3.57. I think it's good considering... Moving on. Today, I chipped my front tooth on a piece of candy. No insurance, no job, no money and a chipped tooth. That was my strike 3! I need to break through this stint of unemployment. I need to end my turbulent affair with insomnia and worry. I need not to be afraid of work. I simply need to succeed. If there is nothing more than mere vanity pushing me towards success then well be it. My tooth has to be fixed in 90 days. My credit...well that might take awhile but I must ACT NOW! I know I am not alone in being unemployed and having a slew of emotions...so stay encouraged ALL OF YOU! In the future we will become until then we must overcome.

I HAVE A DREAM

2010-01-19T00:41:00.000-05:00

For many Martin Luther King Day is a day off from school and work. For me, it marks my last day of work. Two years ago today I was fired, let go; for low sales. I came in on the holiday at the urging of my boss because I was out the week before. MLK Day marked the end of my career and the beginning of my turbulent relationship with unemployment. Many people say at 27, I have the world ahead of me and starting over should be easy. It's not! I bought a scratch off ticket today, trying to test my luck on this unlucky day. On the back read, "Odds of winning 1 in 3.41." I'll take those odds any day. The house won and I was out of 5 bucks. I remember when I first got a job in high school, I went into the mall and applied. I spoke with the manager that same day and made sure I put my application in his hand. Well today everything is done via the internet, no hand shaking, no paper applications and no look into your future boss eyes. The odds of me applying online to a job and getting an interview is far greater than 1 in 3.41. How do I win? Never in a million years did I think I would be unemployed this long. Some days are great, others are not. Some nights I sleep, most nights I do not. A reoccurring thought is what career can I see myself doing for the next 20 to 30 years. I don't want to job hop, I want a career. As the days roll by and I find myself gaining more weight and being more sleep deprived and my soul tells me that now is the time to act. Some days I don't even leave the house. Well that is all in the past. Many days I wake up thinking about working out and I never do; taking a drive; getting out the house and more. It is time for me to stop being the victim of this economic downfall and be the master of my fate. It is time for me to write more, do more, experience more and be more. The mergence of my dreams and realities is how I will remember MLK Day, not the lose of a job.

December 10, 2009

2009-12-10T22:57:00.001-05:00

With the emotional turmoil of another failed relationship, surrounded by past due bills and an empty apartment that I just moved into, I drifted off to sleep at a reasonable time last night. I woke up this morning refreshed. No early morning phone calls from bill collectors. No phone calls from my mother. No phone calls period. My phone was cut off. On top of that, AT & T had the nerve to say, in their automated response, if I wanted to speak to a customer service rep I would need to call from another line. WTH? I have no other line. What if a job call? PANIC TIME! I went from refreshed to worried in nine point two minutes. I ran a nice hot bath and relaxed. I went over the details of my latest break up in my head. I pondered over where I can apply to next. Sitting in the tub thinking with sad love songs playing in the background doesn't actually sound like a nice relaxing bath. It wasn't. The water was anxiety filled, I need a job. After a breif conversation in my mind I got out the tub and started my day. I make up things to do to occupy my time since I don't have a car, a job, a boyfriend...hell even friends for that matter. I moved to Georgia with my now ex, looking for a fresh start, love and a meaningful career. In return I recieved heart ache, a room at my Soror house who is a GOD send and no job. I caught a taxi to Walmart today. I was suffering from wallaphobia; an anxiety filled panic state of mind from starring at the same four walls of your bedroom for too long. Yeah something I made up but I was determined to get out this house. I spent more than I should. I came home and watched the Ugly Truth on dvd. A great movie. Watching the extras made me want to be an actress, watching the movie made me want to be in love, paying for the damn dvd made me realize that I still need a job. My day is now coming to an end. As I prepare to watch the Ugly Truth again, I challenged myself. I challenged myself to let go of the past, to let go of yesterday and live for today. I challenged myself to get to the root of my being, by accepting who I am and accepting the hardships that I face. I challenged myself to persevere it all. I challenged myself to accept that another relationship has ended but the opportunity for a new lasting love has just arrived. I challenged myself to exercise more, cook more, write more, do more and be more with all of the free time that I have. I challenged myself. No I double doggie dared myself to do it. I dare you too!

ANOTHER JOURNEY...

2009-12-08T14:35:00.000-05:00

I started this blog as an outlet, a motivational tool, a venting mechanism and a way for me to write out loud. I wanted to share my journey during these trying economic times. I wanted to let other displaced workers know that they are not alone. As much as I try to feed the minds of others and encourage their souls, I find myself needing to be fed, needing to be encouraged. I find myself wanting someone to tell me its going to be alright. I've been on such an emotional worker coaster. Unemployment checks, I go up. Ending of my benefits, I go down. Applying for jobs that seem to be perfect for me, I go up. Following up with the job, only to find out that they already filled the position, I go down. Every time I take one step forward, it seems as if I automatically have to take two steps backwards. I was thinking about applying for graduate school to study creative writing. I called the other day to get my transcripts and they said that they couldn't release them because I have a past due balance on my account. When I try to better myself, follow my passion and move past this cloud of debt; I uncover more debt, more barriers, and I hear more No's. I wish I could rewind the years and make better decisions. I wish I could have always had the drive to follow my heart. I wish I could just up and leave right now and make things happen. Wishful thinking. Though I may look back on all the things that I did or did not do, in reality my feet keeps pressing forward. I may look back but I will always move forward. I may complain but I will always move towards the silver lining. I may cry in frustration but I will rejoice in life. Life will not always be comfortable and convenient. I may have to overcome more obstacles than the next person. I may have to mess up a few more times before I finally get it right. But I will never get weary in doing good. I will never turn my back on my own potential. I will never quit, never stop or never cease to try. Faith allows me to press forward. Prayer allows me to keep pushing until something happens. The fame, fortune and prosperity I seek is the fame, fortune and prosperity I will be.

EMOTIONAL WORK-A-COASTER

2009-12-02T17:58:00.000-05:00

Thoughts are costly
Judgements are few
Actions are many
My debt now consumes
My mind race with thoughts
Conflicted about tomorrow
Surrounded in sorrow
I created a wish list
For hopes of tomorrow
I yearn to live my passion
But rejection letters keeps my mind unfasten
Steadily I seek
Ignorantly I spend
I fight the tears
That flows from within
When will I just be
No more dreams
I want reality
I need a job.

MERRY GO ROUND

2009-10-29T03:10:00.000-04:00

I had a discussion with a friend the other day. We talked about the ever climbing unemployment rate. I live in Michigan and Michigan has thee highest unemployment rate. Now, if you follow my blog, you know I have had a long withstanding with umployment and a turbulent relationship with work life balance. At first, I was desperate looking for work, frightened about my future and unsettled about my finance. When I didn't drown in a sea of debt being unemployed and realized I had more freedom to follow my dreams, I then became afraid of returning to the work force. Now, that I realize I don't have to put my dreams on hold to work and developed a work life balance...I CAN'T FIND A JOB TO SAVE MY LIFE! I am no longer collecting unemployment. I have no steady source of income nor do I have a rich uncle taking care of me. I have been tossed into the sea of debt, I'm fighting against the current of doubt and drowning in online job applications. I just self published my second book, Black Girl Pain ~ A journey of self-discovery. I make a few dollars here and there off sales but nothing steady. I have to take some accountabilty for my financial state and own up to my wavering actions. Now that I am ready to work, I honestly can't find it. It seems as if finding a job is like hitting the lottery or trying out for the NBA...you have a million other talented people trying out for the same position. Go figure. But I'm learning that even in uncertainity you must be certain of your abilities. I know that I will become great. I will be successful. My temporary struggles are not permanent and neither are yours. Be encouraged. Stay encouraged. Encourage others.

TIME TO COMMIT

2009-10-20T00:10:00.000-04:00

There comes a time in all of our lives when we must commit. Commitment is essential to life. Whether we commit to ourselves and the fulfillment of our dreams, a relationship or work; the process of life weighs heavily on our ability to commit, persevere, change and grow. When we commit we show our devotion, ability and passion to others. There is no magical equation that sums up the age or time frame of our commitment, it comes early for some and later for others. When your current change and you tire from fighting against the waves and or you have had enough with your current... current job, current weight, current relationship, etc...it is time to change your current and commit to what will make you happy. The flow of energy and the change of my current is telling me it is now my time to commit. It is now time for me to walk in my destiny and to take hold of my place in life. It is time for me to be happy and free. It is time for me to commit myself to my writing. I have gotten over my fear of working, my confusion over my calling and the opinion of others. When I was tossed about and lost my job, my savings, my apartment, my confidence and my relationship; it was an rude awakening. But never the less I was awaken. I came into a season of understanding. Although, the process haven't been easy, a constant factor in my life besides GOD, is my writings. My writing is my ability to project, my gift from GOD, my talent and my blessing to others. It is now time for me to commit to writing. My words will be made plain and will manifest into the fulfillment of my purpose and passion. I plan on applying to graduate school to get my M.F.A in creative writing. From there I will teach creative writing to others. I will publish many books in my lifetime. I will help and inspire others through the words that I write. My commitment now is to my writings.

AFRAID TO WORK

2009-08-07T02:55:00.000-04:00

I am a writer. I am a thinker. I am a creator. I am a world class procrastinator. I am a dreamer. I am a believer. I am a doer. I am unemployed...

In all of the things that I am, a part of me is still searching for what I will be. There are so many things that I want to accomplish. As I reflect on the day that I first became unemployed until now, I honestly feel that I've wasted so much time. Yes, I started a blog. Yes, I published a book. Yes, I moved to another state. BUT I WANT MORE! I WANT TO DO MORE. ACCOMPLISH MORE. GIVE MORE. BE MORE...

I want to go to Africa, not to vacation but to experience and enlighten. I want to get my book on the shelves and to the top of the best seller's list. I want to lose twenty pounds. I want a new car, a 2010 Chevy Camero to be exact. I want a work but not in a job. I want learn a different language. I want to learn how to play an instrument. I want to do something so outside of my character that only the walls will be a witness.

Time waits for no one. In all of this freedom that I had being unemployed, I never really allowed myself to be free. Now that I'm getting called for interviews, I'm afraid to work. I'm afraid that my life will be consumed by a meaningless job and not a career. I'm afraid that I will be ruled by a paycheck and not passion. I'm afraid that I will never go to Africa, have the time to visit with friends and family, learn to play an instrument or walk on the wild side. I'm afraid that my life will be consumed by Corporate America and it's 50 hour work weeks and one week vacations.

Can I be honest? The job that I wanted I didn't get. To be really honest...I've been called in for four job interviews and one internship this week, that I never followed up with. One of the jobs and the internship seems to be a good fit for me but I'm afraid...

I must push past this fear. I know that I will get the job. I make a promise to myself that when I return to work I will still follow my dreams...

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."---Marianne Williamson