deep_thought

It's 2019. What's a blog?

noreply@blogger.com (The_Girl_From_Ipanema) — Thu, 03 Jan 2019 01:51:00 +0000

I am returning to blogging because
I need a space to record honestly and hold myself accountable.

On a particularly low day, I took a sick day off and just sat and re-read several pages of this forgotten blog of mine.

Was a big help - I went from wallowing in self-loathing to reliving the past 5-6 years of our lives. Ended up feeling very proud of how B and I dealt with all the various challenges that came our way, and how we evolved from it. Also made me nostalgic and made me miss my dear FIL.

For the past many months, I have, as I am wont to be, been very hard on B and myself for having not got our sh** together about the whole having a child business. Reading this blog made me realize, how it came to be that way. It's not entirely unreasonable, given everything else that we dealt with. It's easy to forget how hard some things were, when we are past it, and reduce it to "oh, a lot of people took care of a sick parent and made babies". But it's really never that simple, is it?

Fast forward a few years later to where we are now. Moved again, almost 2 years ago, after B's father passed away. In my mind, I thought this would be the big break for us personally, and B would enjoy the new role he took up. Quite the opposite. The move backfired pretty badly - B hated his new job, eventually quitting it, and staying unemployed for a few months before better opportunities came his way. If I thought R2I was hard, this was a whole different challenge. New place, steeply expensive, no semblance of a support system and intense regret for leaving family and a decent gig behind us. Add to that pile, whittling away remnants of your fast disappearing fertile months in this quagmire of stress and unhappiness.

Upside- I lost 5 kilos. Heh..

Anyhow. The best piece of advice I got, during this time was, "de-catastrophize". And I tried to make that my mantra. It can be very helpful.

And now here we are again. B is quite happy in a new job with a great bunch of people. I'm still finding my bearings at mine, but if there's anything I learned from B's experiences, good opportunities take their time coming, but you got to be ready to receive them when they do come, by being on top of your game and keeping your self-esteem intact. So wallowing and being morose ain't helping. Onward and upward.

I celebrated my 4-0, we decided we really did want to have a child, and ..took a step towards registering for adoption.

I think that's the best thing we did. Sure, there's a lot of fear, trepidation, uncertainty, worry about the lateness of it all. But I think we will be fine.

To 2019!

I think I am back

noreply@blogger.com (The_Girl_From_Ipanema) — Sun, 05 Feb 2017 05:38:00 +0000

The best part about having a blog. Come and go as you please :-)

B's dad - my father-in-law passed away recently, after a 6-7 year long uphill struggle with dementia. I like to think the early years weren't as much of a struggle, and we were very lucky to be able to be there for him, with him and improve his quality of life in whatever way we could. Ironically, given that his cognition was only mildly impaired then, I also realize that he was the most affected by his situation at that point- irritation and frustration at himself, at having to depend on others for little things, inability to read the paper or do simple things that he enjoyed. But I saw him develop his own ways of dealing with it all as the years went by, and in the face of such a horribly debilitating condition, I remain thankful for the smaller mercies- a good geriatric doctor who guided us, a helpful local chapter of dementia caregivers association, a very caring and sympathetic full time attendant we had for the last year, a supportive maid at home, and of course, the financial ability we had to tap into all these resources.

The last year was definitely the hardest, on him, and on all of us. After a single hospitalization, he was pushed past a brink that rendered him bedridden for all practical purposes. He gradually stopped talking coherently, had to be diapered and hauled between bed and chair...fed by the attendant. He reacted to us, responded to our voices, to his attendant's voice, but in the last months, we saw that also fade out. To the point when we realized our presence/absence was not making a difference.

Around now, a very good career opportunity came B's way. It would mean moving countries, and either admitting his dad in a hospice or taking him with us. We chose the hospice route, based on a lot of reasoning and practical thinking and advice of his geriatrician.

Over the weeks, his condition had gotten worse. He seemed duller than usual, and had stopped eating/drinking -or rather - had stopped swallowing what was being fed to him. All the signs were there. Just as we planned to admit him to the hospice for a "trial", he passed away peacefully one morning, almost as if he didn't want to put us through this experience or go through it himself.

The dust has settled a bit. I realise how much I miss my father-in-law. Even in his stage of advanced dementia, there was some sort of strength we drew from having him with us. It's very hard to explain. And there was the daily routine that he was an integral part of. B derived satisfaction in making him his first cup of coffee every morning. I wished him good morning and good night unfailingly, and upon returning from a tiring office commute every evening, would enjoy seeing him the first thing as I entered- sitting with him, holding his hands and asking him how he was doing.

The finality of death is truly cruel. I cannot even imagine how B and his brother deal with it, having lost their mother quite tragically over 10 years ago. How we take the presence of a person for granted, and how, one day, they are just snuffed out. A weird, selfish feeling where we are willing to accept the n-1th day in the face of this, despite all the hardship that person may have been facing. Its a very helpless and humbling feeling.

B and his brother were brave and stoic through all of it- I do believe the rituals and ceremonies had some therapeutic effect. Family rallied around us, and B's closest buddies stood by him, with him, through all of it. To use my dad's words- theirs was an "unparalleled" kind of friendship he had never seen elsewhere. I am so thankful they were there, because I don't think I could have been there for him in the way that they were - partly because I was grieving too, and also because of the way these rituals are structured- starting with the cremation of the body until the 13 day rites- there is very clear gender separation and women-folk don't participate in most of it. I did not argue or resist that.

A new phase begins now. B's left to begin his new job in a new city. I will be joining him in a couple months. It's all exciting, although tinged with the sorrow of losing his dad, we have to be thankful that we didn't make the move with lingering thoughts, worries and concerns behind us.

Oh Hi AGAIN.

noreply@blogger.com (The_Girl_From_Ipanema) — Wed, 10 Feb 2016 16:46:00 +0000

I have always thought that people who have been either fat or pregnant, will have no trouble telling the difference between fat and pregnant. I, for one, can tell. In the past many years, there were a few occasions when I was mistaken for being pregnant. The janitor in my university, stranger on the subway offering me a seat..etc. I always managed to laugh it off and it never really bothered me. But in recent times it stopped being funny. Perhaps a reflection of all the indecision that we face - even a well meaning friendly jab only serves as an unwanted reminder of the conflict and confusion and doesn't amuse any longer.

Which is why, when I visited the doctor last week complaining of exhaustion and fever, and he asked me if I was pregnant I immediately bristled. "No, just fat" I grunted defensively, whilst doing the math in my head. I couldn't possibly be, I thought. But just because this was a doctor asking, and not a nosy annoying auntie, I began wondering- just what if? So I picked up a test on my way home. B was out of town, and I began thinking of all those chick flicks where the husband comes home and the wife shows him a plastic strip with two lines on it. And there's much disbelief and jumping and emotional moments of all sorts. Of course, the test was negative and my faith in the ovulation cycle was reaffirmed. Of course I felt a tingle of disappointment, but had the result been anything else I think panic would reign above all else.

We've had a great social spell the last few weeks- just after I blogged about how bereft I feel of a social life. One of B's closest buddies was visiting from the U.S. We had a great time- one of the times we went to his house while a horde of his relatives were visiting- and as he introduced us to his cousin- she looked at B and another buddy of theirs and said to him- "Oh of course I know these guys- they have been the constants in your life". That really described the kind of friendship these guys have and I couldn't help feeling a teeny bit envious. After this friend left, another bunch of friends visited and we got to see up close and personal what it is to have two kids, within the age span of a year. When you are of advanced parental age, so to speak. Its a lot of energy, a lot of patience, and a whole lot of sacrifice. I am sure it is satisfying too.

And then a good friend visited me yesterday after several months. She told me that I seemed a lot more calm and at peace- and it felt good to hear that. It is indeed true. She has seen us through all the stages of our return to India and our tryst with my Father In Law's condition, and yes, after all of it, I have learned, I think, to just let it be. Take it a day at a time. Be positive and stop fretting about things out of my control.

Yeah! That's not such a bad mantra to have. :-)

Oh! Hi...

noreply@blogger.com (The_Girl_From_Ipanema) — Sun, 24 Jan 2016 08:36:00 +0000

Its been a while, yeah? No this is not a new year resolution or anything (given that we're 24 days into 2016 as it is) but just one of those sunday afternoons I feel like a brain dump of sorts.

I think that ennui has set in in my life. Professional and personal. I don't feel as charged about my work as I used to. I am tired of the situation at home. My FIL has essentially reached the stage where he's just there. Moved from the bed to wheelchair, wheelchair to bed. Has to be cleaned, bathed and fed. And barely recognizes us. On some days we elicit recognition, wide eyed smiles, on other days we get a blank stare. He mostly babbles incoherently, or screams out loud in pain when he's moved, or sometimes for no apparent reason, perhaps hallucinating.

While we are lucky to be able to afford an attendant 24h that looks after him, and does a fairly decent job, and is quite affectionate with him, I'm sick of him too. He's a permanent fixture, hanging around in the living room all the time, leaving no room for myself and B to ourselves. He is all over my FIL at times, cooing and prattling with him like he's a baby. I find that very irritating.

But then I step back and think of what a terrible job he has- to caretake for an old man, clean up after him, day in and out, without a break. If he has come up with his ways to make it more fulfilling or entertaining for him, I'm no one to stop him.

In any case, I want other things now, things that I wished I had all these 4+ years since I got married but made my peace with not having. The privacy and freedom in my own house to walk about in shorts. To snuggle up on the couch with my husband. To not cook anything when the cook doesn't show. To enjoy sex in our own house, not feeling threatened by the sudden ear-piercing screams from my father-in-law's room. To think of a future for ourselves- a baby even. To think of saving money, without the added expenses of caretaking for my FIL. It must be worse for B to witness his dad go through this. And he is on the duty every night to help move his father back from the sofa to his wheelchair to his bed. So no matter where he goes or what he does, that is his cross to bear at the end of every day. And deal with his dad screaming in pain while he does it.

And now that our presence/absence doesn't make any difference to my FIL I've begun to open up to the idea of admitting him in a residential facility. We had our first tryst with it a couple months ago, when the attendant situation was getting out of control and we decided to admit him in a home. Then, we enjoyed the few days of respite, of having the place to ourselves. Still, we'd try and go meet him twice or thrice a week, and I was terribly emotional through it all. Felt like we had done a terrible thing. Over several days, we began making our peace with it- even considering it for a more permanent arrangement. The only thing that bothered me was that some residents were terrible violent and aggressive- screaming, running in the hallways, and I didn't think it was nice that my mild father in law had to be subjected to it.

But then he had a serious incident of loss of consciousness while at the home, had to be admitted to a hospital from the home, and our situation took a terrible turn for the worse. We ended up doing frantic hospital runs, dealing with the emotional turmoil of how much more interventional care to provide for my FIL as he lay in the ICU. Not to mention the severe financial dent it made for us.

While it was all well and good for well meaning relatives to say "let go" etc. it's really a lot more complex than that. What does that actually translate? Pull out all the vital life saving plugs and watch him go? The fact is, little is in our hands, other than drawing the line at how much palliative versus interventional care we wanted him to get.

For e.g.- We had conversations with the doctor on DNR protocols. We made an active decision to not let him get on a ventilator. But we said ok to a central line to send drugs to his system more efficiently. We put our foot down against expensive brain scans- what good would it tell us other than his very obvious neurodegeneration? Would it in any way contribute to his recovery? It was mere academic curiosity.

The doctors tried everything within reason to make him OK, because that's what doctors are trained to do. There are a million gradients between not putting someone on a ventilator, but having him in the ICU with a whole team of people focused on the simple goal of making him better, even if he was getting worse along the way. And that's what happened to my FIL.

It was a very emotionally draining and conflicting time for me and B. And quite frankly, if you are not a doctor, you just have to trust the doctors blindly. No amount of second guessing, second opinion seeking, googling will do you any good. B, who had lost his mother several years ago to what is quite clearly medical negligence, seemed a lot more better at this than me. I marveled at his strength and stoic-ness. But at the end of the day, he also wanted to take his dad back home, and in relatively good shape- at least in the same shape in which we had taken him to the home a few months before that.

Almost 20 days later, of which 10 were in the ICU, when he finally showed signs of maintaining his O2 levels, breathe on his own, he was discharged. All the clinical landmarks were met. When we brought him home, we had to bring with us an O2 concentrator, oxygen cylinders, a hospital bed, alarms and sensors and what not. We now had two male attendants at home to take care of him. Tend to him. Flip him from side to side to prevent further bed sores. He had to be fed through a ryles tube, incapable of swallowing. The episode had really pushed him over.

Over a month, well taken care of by the two attendants, he regained some of his capabilities. The horrible tube came out, he could swallow on his own. He was maintaining his lung capacity and the o2 cylinders could go. We no longer had to monitor his sp. O2 overnight and that horrible beeping sound all night long stopped. We got rid of 1 attendant, the house began to feel a little less crowded than earlier. But now he had lost all ability to do anything on his own- even sitting up in a chair and holding himself straight. And so he has stayed that way since. Improved since he was wheeled out of the hospital, but a lot worse than the stage in which he was taken there.

As far as we are concerned, we made a conscious decision to not take him back to a hospital ever again, should he suffer an emergency again. We will let nature take its course. We have a very insightful doctor specialized in geriatric care whose philosophies match ours, and we reach to him in case of any medical need- for e.g. an infection, a catheter etc.

So that brings me to now. Plain tired of and from all of this. B and I have attended caregiver support groups, tried to network with people in similar situations as ours. That made me feel fortunate that my FIL is at least not aggressive like some relatives explained. Or that we are not in our 60s, caretaking for an even older parent with Alzheimer's. That we have the resources to have help at home- so we are not actually doing all the chores around caregiving. We can get away every now and then. Take a weekend or so off. But still. I'm tired. I want us to think ahead for ourselves, without this situation clouding our thoughts. And it seems impossible to do while we are in it. So I have begun to come around to the idea of admitting him in a residential care facility. It feels selfish but I can't help it. B feels the same, but I don't know how he will deal with it if we actually put this plan in action. We checked out a few homes- one was too expensive, and the other, well- affordable but didn't seem like a nice enough place. So we let it be status quo for now.

Oh. well. Dekhtein hain. Perhaps a change in job/location will force this decision on us. And will let us start anew and address my professional dissatisfaction too! So that's what I am focusing on now.

In caregiver forums, we are now able to share advice and helpful tips with others who are 5 years behind us. The one thing I wish I did better, was to socialize and engender a support system. B has a handful of cousins in the city, who, had we made better efforts at keeping in touch with, would have come in handy to house sit for us once a while. Or make friends in the complex we live, just to have semblance of life outside of this and our jobs. We totally let our circumstances consume us and closed the door to a social life. I wish we hadn't done that..

Whats On My Mind

noreply@blogger.com (The_Girl_From_Ipanema) — Sun, 31 May 2015 09:03:00 +0000

Typically, a major/minor jhatka is what sends me blogging. This time it is the fact that my parents returned to their home after spending a nice 2 whole months with us. They house was full of noise, discussion, people and of course, good food. Both B (isnt that what I called my husband on here? I forget) and I totally enjoyed their company, planning outings, getting hot breakfast in the morning, not having to worry about daily chores etc. It was superb!

They left early today morning and the house feels woefully silent. I'm sure tomorrow, back to work, it'll be less depressing, but still. I miss them like hell.

Coming to work. It has had its moments. I knew what I was getting into, and now, having gotten there, I am not exactly gung ho about it. Other times, I'm enjoying and learning. Hmm. Kya karen?

On the whole make or not to make baby issue. (Heh. Thats almost redundant, because, In India, babies are reffered to as issues :-)) B and I decided to go ahead and try. We'd give it our best shot (eww) and woudn't be overly disappointed if it didn't happen given the fast diminishing ova and other things. We are trying to eat healthy, exercise and stay stress-free to increase our chances. But its easier said than done. We both have pretty stressful jobs, and, when we come home, there's my father in law to deal with. Even though we have 24h care for him, its still very draining to simply witness what he's going through. He now has Parkinsons in addition to his dementia. He cannot process a simple instruction like "stand up". We count our blessings that he is still very mild mannered, and doesn't yet show signs of agitation/aggression etc. But I cant help wonder, how long this is going to go on, and how sad it is for him, to have such a low quality of life, and for us, especially for his son, to watch him whither away in such a painful manner.

So yeah- I'm still not convinced about the baby thing. Friends who've had them are all about oh wow how fulfilling it is- yeah sure! If'you've spawned another human being there's bound to be an overwhelming sense of pride/responsibility/love and all of that. I would never deny that. What I wonder is, how bad would it be to NOT go through that? I guess thats for me to find out.

I still hang on to my freedom, including freedom to go get an alcoholic beverage whenever I feel like, or get on a plane/train and travel to a new place, or stay back late at work to get something done. I've also realised that my patience bank is limited, and I've expended a good deal just with dealing with R2I, living with B's father and all of that. In sab ke beech mein baccha?

Whatsapp has quite invaded and pervaded our lives in all sorts of ways. I'm not most thrilled about it. Meaningless forwards, tacky good morning messages, silly jokes (all of which I'm also guilty of fw-ing sometimes :p) I could totally do without. What is worse when the same joke comes in from different people/groups. What I love, is how accessible it has made some of my close friends. Especially those that are saat samundar paar and would be very expensive to call as often as we now exchange msgs on whatsapp.

I've been wondering a lot about the sanctity and boundaries in marriage. Whats ok, whats not? Is having a close buddy of the opposite sex ok? Is going out with them to drinks - without your spouse ok? Is beginning to care for their well being - in a very human way - ok? Is harmless flirting OK? Is having cosy whatsapp conversations with them OK? What is harmless flirting anyway? If it doesnt involve sex and it doesn't offend the flirtee does that makes it harmless? What if it offends the spouse of the flirter? Who's to know or tell? Sometimes, I don't know. Also, btw, what's healthy flirting, while we're at it? :p

We live, we learn.

I've a lot more on my mind I wanted to dump, but I'll stop here for now. The weather's perfect for an afternoon snooze.

On Being Political

noreply@blogger.com (The_Girl_From_Ipanema) — Thu, 27 Nov 2014 12:24:00 +0000

I've had a small whiff of office politics while I was at my earlier job. My reaction was one of distaste and "I can keep myself above this and do my work" but I didn't have enough time to realize if it was working or not.

I've learned a whole lot since then, about bullshit and the peculiar variety called corporate bullshit. My husband taught me almost everything I know about negotiating at the work place. How to ask for something, how to stand my ground, how to be tactful. He has also reiterated to me many times that I have to evolve past being a "straight shooter" because real world is not ideal. I am finally getting the hang of what he means.

I've now come to a point where I willfully embrace the politicking. I feel confident that I can tell bullshit from real, know when to take stuff seriously and when not to, when to faff superficially, and, how to react to statements, read between the lines, and how to detect bluster and not give it any attention. Somewhere I feel like I've lost a small part of me, but that doesn't bother me too much.

Overall, its a very empowering feeling.

Back to the grind

noreply@blogger.com (The_Girl_From_Ipanema) — Sat, 15 Nov 2014 13:23:00 +0000

Yeah! It took me exactly two months to go from joblessness to getting back to a job.

I ended with two offers on my plate, and took the one that had several clear advantages over the other. Is it my dream job? Perhaps not. But it is a step towards my dream job, like Sheryl Sandberg advised, and so I took it. It has its risks, and several known devils, but which job doesn't? I am excited and looking forward to doing my best at it.

A friend remarked that I had just the right period of joblessness- not too short so I could relax and unwind, and not too long that I'd get bored and restless. He was quite right. At first, I almost felt sad that my aaram ki zindagi was over. But that's only a small part of me. I did feel bad that I didn't go through all the items on my list. But my lists have always been overambitious. So here I will focus on the ones I did accomplish in my downtime.

1) Paper- almost there. Not out the door, but that will happen very soon. I give myself a 6/10.

2) Odd jobs and fixits around the house- Got a lot done!

3) Socialize - met one blog friend (yay!). Reconnected with a couple more. OK. pas mal.

4) Enjoyed myself- random lunches and coffees with B while he was slaving away at work, explored the local markets, walked about and discovered nooks and crannies in the neighbourhood, and felt thankful all over again for the move back to this city. :-) Here I give myself 10/10!

5) Got fit- addressed one niggling back issue. Did not lose weight like I hoped to, but that's next.

So I think the one I totally flunked out was to learn driving. It is the least appealing of all.

In other news - I learned this awesome trick from my husband - to get rid of water that's entered your ear- put a few more drops of water into the same ear, and as soon as you feel a gurgling sensation, tilt your head and jerk the water out. Worked like a charm!

In the whole to make or not make baby department- we are still undecided! That doesn't mean we are agonizing or losing sleep over it but well- let's see.

6 weeks unemployed

noreply@blogger.com (The_Girl_From_Ipanema) — Mon, 27 Oct 2014 04:46:00 +0000

The job search hasn't gone too well- but I've one solid lead that I'm not yet ready to take the plunge and accept, in the hope that something else will come along. But I also need to remind myself about the limitations of India. And why my ideal job probably won't exist here, so I need to make my peace with that and set the right expectations, and not give up an opportunity because it lacks something that is probably absent in India alltogether.

I've read two good books on women in career- Lean In- the more popular one by Sheryl Sandberg- is OK-ish- inspirational at best, but not much advice that I can translate to my life. Another one by Mrs Moneypenny - I thought had a lot more practical advice I could use, and well written too.

I have reached the zenith of my patience with my father-in-law and his condition. To be very honest, he doesn't really do anything to bother us. And we have a 24h caregiver for him, so I am not attending to him. But still, I find myself getting irritated, getting tired of dealing with his dementia. Part of it, I think, is because of my innate and self-fulfilling need to fix everything, to make everything right. And when I know here there is nothing one can fix, it makes me frustrated. Part of it is just my own ageing and reducing patience for repetitive questioning, dealing with an old man a lot more frustrated at his condition and inability to be coherent than we, as caregivers can be. Part of it is the worry about the endlessness of the situation, how are we going to tackle it as it gets worse. And, I think, a teeny part of it is bitterness- that I have invested considerable patience in tackling this situation, I feel like I have no energies left to do something more fulfilling for us- like- for e.g. raising a kid.

I need to detach myself from this situation, and practically have no reason not to, given we are spending so much money on the caregiver, just to give us some peace of mind a break from this.

We have been able to go on several nice trips in the recent past, thanks to the 24h caregiver. And in addition to exploring a new town, taking in the history, enjoying nice hotel rooms, it gives us a much needed break from living with my father-in-law and dealing with him. I have realised that we are really lucky we get to do these, and I also realise how much fun it is traveling with B. We share the same passion for travel, similar interests in what we want to see, what we don't want to do and are open enough to indulge in the other's interest when it is not our preference. Our getaways have always been so much fun to plan and to experience. I think that we should start a scrap book of sorts to store the memories..if not for posterity, then at least for our own sake, to look back to and feel good about lives every time we feel trapped in our situation.

We are thinking a lot about having a kid. It makes sense, as we have reached the now or never age. There's hazaar unsolicited advice from all quarters- has been there since the day we got married. But I wish people gave more practical advice. For e.g. nobody tells you no health insurance provider covers maternity unless you have been with them for at least 2 years!

I'd really like some honest advice from couples who chose to remain childless. Is it really as bad as others make it out to be? We ourselves know of at least one such couple, but it seems like such personal territory that I cannot imagine asking them about it. I once read this article that was very honest, but that is just one data point.

To quote from it:

..And, for the succeeding few years, I gave it all very little thought. I was aware, of course, that my friends were operating for part of their lives on a different planet. That they were building new networks at the school gates, and in the organisations to which their children were attached. But in my job there was never a shortage of places to go, stuff to do, people to meet. And, still in the world of couples, no shortage of social invitations to parties, and other people's family celebrations.
So what nagged at me in my 40s, and subsequently my 50s, was not the sharp ache that so devastates those women who longed for children and couldn't conceive; more a sort of sadness that I hadn't experienced one of the most extraordinary experiences a woman can have. A sadness born more of unsatisfied curiosity than unfulfilled womanhood...

I myself am unable to identify any more whether I want a kid or not. I don't have fears of unsatisfied curiosity or unfulfilled womanhood. All I see currently is fear of responsibility and resistance towards what I see as another lifelong chore. There was a phase I had baby envy. But I don't even feel that any more.

That said, I do think I would enjoy having and bringing up a kid with my husband. It will give a new meaning to our lives, which now largely revolve around office and F-I-L.

But is that reason enough? And can we handle it, in addition to what we have now, which is only going to get more difficult to deal with? Will I end up sacrificing my career for it- in the times of harder-to-find child care etc.? What if I have complications and end up with a child that needs more than normal care/attention? Will it burn a big hole through our already strained finances?

Like most other decisions, my risk-averseness paralyzes me into choosing the comfort-zone status quo.

Bringing back W O M M

noreply@blogger.com (The_Girl_From_Ipanema) — Tue, 30 Sep 2014 04:25:00 +0000

Whats On My Mind- A great way to dump the distractions and focus on work.

1. My FIL with dementia- is becoming really difficult to care for. He is at the stage where he requires some amount of assistance with everyday living, but resents it. We are paying dearly for a 24h caregiver, compromising on our privacy, etc. only to have my FIL be nasty and snappy with him. Its very frustrating. I realise where my FIL's resentment is coming from but it is very hard to deal with. And the thought that there is no end to this is even more depressing.

2. I need a day of focus to get the last bit done on my manuscript. It helps to read all my old posts where I dragged my feet, felt miserable and kept getting stuck in those vicious cycles. Got to avoid that rut now. Once I get the paper done, there is so much more to do.

3. Need to set hourly goals and work in 20 min bursts.

Over and out.

Stay At Home Person

noreply@blogger.com (The_Girl_From_Ipanema) — Mon, 29 Sep 2014 12:07:00 +0000

So the job in B1 did not work out. I think it was a blessing in disguise, given that I actually found myself often questioning the move to B1. It has gotten harder to live in, filthier, and a lot more chaotic than I remember it.

And the biggest draw for me to move to B1- the presence of a huge network of close friends- didn't really get exploited because of the crazy traffic. I had a close friend in the building right next to my workplace, and I never visited her , because, I was afraid I wouldn't get an auto back home if I did that post work. Hah!

Anyhow, I am back to B2. Several kilos heavier after eating all the vada pavs and other assorted junk food that I loved, with a pinched nerve in my back thanks to the 9 hour desk job, 1 hour on the blessed WEH (Western Express Highway) and auto drivers that are always in a hurry and do not care if they are dislocating your vertebra, one by one.

For the most part, I don't feel bad about this. Like a friend helped me rationalize- I got to explore this option- of working in B2, and finding it less than optimum. Except that I miss the job and I don't quite enjoy the unemployed status.

I got to do some soul searching, and have chalked up following life improvement goals while I hunt for a job. So I shouldn't complain. Below they are in order of priority

1) Finish post doc paper
2) Gym + learn driving + get back to cooking
3) Find a job
4) Renew friendships/networks in B1.

So yeah. All the best to me.

And I will leave with a picture of the day- this really is an awesome photo - love it!

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-india-29357472

Blogging is such a thing of the past

noreply@blogger.com (The_Girl_From_Ipanema) — Sat, 26 Jul 2014 05:14:00 +0000

Isn't it?

When I have to work on my paper, I spend time searching for the blogs I once knew. And most of them are all long gone.

Well, to me it is nice to have a slate to scribble on, even if it reads like a random diary and disorganized list of thoughts. And yes, when I need that kick on my butt or a bit of pep talk, it helps to come back to this and revisit.

So we recently celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary. We went away for the weekend to a resort, had a relaxed time and I declared that it was the best of the 4 anniversaries we have celebrated. B my husband didn't necessarily concur or differ, but then I don't remember actually asking his opinion. :-)

Anyhow. On our way back, in the auto, on the western express highway, no later than 1030 pm, two guys on a motorbike came up close to our auto, snatched my handbag and sped off. Just like that, in a flash. With it went my phone, some jewelry, bank cards and a whole lot of stuff that you can't assign value to but ..

We went to the closest police station. The autodriver was sympathetic and waited outside for us while we went in to lodge our complaint. The police officer was sympathetic. He let us use the computer at the station to go online, check my email for some ac numbers, phone numbers of my land lady (I had lost my keys too and we had no way of getting back home). He spent a lot of time trying to ascertain exactly on which flyover it happened, and as soon as that was established, explained that it was not his jurisdiction and we'd have to lodge the FIR at another station.

So the nice autodriver took us there. On the way he had a flat, and took a detour to get it fixed. I was now certain that he was part of the gang and something worse would happen. Nothing did. We paid him off at the next police station. Here the constables were a bit more distracted. Not particularly busy. But very politely talked us out of loding and FIR and insisted instead that we file a stolen complaint. And that they would do their due, but of course, not to expect to recover anything. Heh. They didn't even list my jewelry in the stolen complaint- just cards, documents , and phone details.

My mom says its a family tradition - she once had her chain snatched outside a temple near their house. In her case, they lodged an FIR, and two years later the robbers were caught, and all the gold seized from them was melted, converted into one long gold chain and cut up and distributed amongst all the complainants. :-) Crazy but great to see that the system actually worked.

The police mentioned that these incidents were becoming quite common on the highway. It was the first time I heard of someone reaching into an auto to snatch your bag, but after this, I googled and found that there were several incidents, and in some cases people actually got their stuff back.
I don't know what is the worst part of this incident that happened to me- losing jewelry with sentimental and monetary value, the repeated "if only" thought process, the fact that I am unable to sit in an auto at ease, and that I think several times before making late evening plans..that I think I have become borderline paranoid...the entire rigmarole of canceling cards, doing the rounds of banks.changing locks..etc. etc. -questioning our whole decision of moving to this city....the list goes on.

I don't know. But these are my lessons learned:-

1. Do not overpack for a trip- for a weekend trip, there was really no need for me to pack in all that jewelry.
2. Have the phone IMEI number handy, and install the right anti-theft apps on the phone
3. Have a password to lock the phone screen, for whatever it is worth.
4. Have a hard copy of important account numbers, drivers license number, passport copies and phone numbers and keep it with a few trusted people.
5. I will not list "keep the bag at the back" in an auto etc. That is common sense. In our case, we had many bags and this bag happened to be on my lap. The corollary to that is keep the least important bag on the lap if you have to. :D
6. Learn detachment with material stuff- learn to let go and not allow incidents like this to stop you from enjoying life.
7. Pepper spray and a loud whistle. Not that it would have helped here, but a general safety measure.
8. Be smart, be alert but not paranoid. :-)

The fact of the matter is that this incident has left me less thrilled about the move. I cannot change that.

However I continue to insist that our 4th wedding anniversary was the best ever and this incident happened AFTER it. :-)

The thing about procrastination

noreply@blogger.com (The_Girl_From_Ipanema) — Mon, 16 Jun 2014 15:42:00 +0000

I read somewhere..is that at bet you only barely end up accomplishing the "have-to-do's" , after much feet dragging and not in the best way possible, and, "wish-to-do's" never get done.

So true.

I have to

submit 3 year old manuscript.

I wish to

exercise
meet friends
shop
blog about my new life :)

But nothing new about this dump I am in right now...

All I do know is I am not alone. It helps to know that I'm not the only post-doc who has slacked off on her manuscript. But it doesn't make it any better.

I am now trying to work in 20 min bursts of focus. Lets see how it goes.

Also I need to relearn blogging. I have forgotten.

I've moved

noreply@blogger.com (The_Girl_From_Ipanema) — Tue, 10 Jun 2014 16:20:00 +0000

to B1.

At the start I want to apologise to some wonderful people I knew via blogging and always planned on meeting while I lived in B2. And the one dude I did end up meeting but did not meet often enough. Sorry all of you...if you still read this..

I still hope/plan to meet you..eventually, who knows?

My job was getting tiresome and I felt like I was not growing intellectually/scientifically. So I decided to take up a nice opportunity, even if it meant moving cities, us becoming a weekend couple, maintaining two rented apartments, etc. etc. etc. The weather change is what hit me first, though. I had forgotten how how humid and sultry B1 gets..and didnt help that B2 has glorious weather. The long distance is tough, but I'd like to say we are managing alright. The weekly flights are making a big hole in our pocket, though.

The biggest advantage about moving to B1 was all the friends we have here. After ~ 3 years in B2 and barely any socializing (sorry again, co-bloggers) I was looking forward to a life of having friends to meet with. Its also great to be back in a city that is charged and always on the move. A city with a sense of humor, so that I can crack random jokes with complete strangers and they get it, do not stare at me in horror or judge. A city where everyone believes in working hard right from the auto wallah to the bais to my coworkers....and yes, it is great to have a job that I am enjoying and growing in.

At a stage in life when we should have been putting down our roots, investing in a house, may be even planning a kid...we decided to do something quite disruptive. There are many times I question it. I have B's unconditional support and that makes me a bit less conflicted. It may not have been the wisest move- financially as well as from a quality of life perspective. But B knew how important it is for me to have a fulfilling job. And reminds me about that every time I question it. We meet on weekends, and try to make the most of them. So B carries back all my dirty laundry for me every time he visits, and has it washed and ironed for me to bring back when I visit. I am living like a bachelor ;) although I never did live like this when I was single. It was different in the US, where daily conveniences like gas/fridge/laundry (if you're lucky) etc. come built in when you rent a new place. I am still getting those things sorted here, and enjoy getting pampered by B every time I go "home". Yeah B2 is definitely still home.

I may have spent ~ 10 yrs living on my own in the U.S., but living together has gotten me used to a division of labour of sorts. I enjoyed sharing chores with B- and enjoyed being able to hand off a chore to him if I was too tired... But its also fun to explore a new life in a new place. I am sure it is harder on B, as he has to deal with my FIL all by himself. My FIL is deteriorating steadily, and moving him to B1 eventually, is going to be very challenging. But...we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

Another thing that may come out of this move is that I may start blogging more often. :)

No more excuses

noreply@blogger.com (The_Girl_From_Ipanema) — Sun, 29 Dec 2013 10:49:00 +0000

I left Lutom in mid 2007. With an unfinished manuscript from my Ph.D. It followed me like a ghost and I finally got it done- reviews et al- into press - in mid 2009.

Going by that math I am a little behind, but considering my post-doc work was in a much less finished state than my Ph.D. thesis was, I can give myself 6 months grace.

We are looking at Jan 2014 in the eye. I left the U.S. in July 2011. With an unfinished manuscript from my post-doc..

Which means I should be closing in now. How far along am I? I would say ~40- 50% there.

How much time do I need- I'd say 5 days of dedicated focused work.

The trouble is I don't have that luxury, what with my full time very demanding job.

And of course, at the end of the day these are all excuses. I did take a 5 day holiday from work under the pretext of getting this done, but did not. The brain refused to focus. The mind wandered. Household chores took precedence. So did sleep. I ended up with 3 days LOP (Thats Loss of Pay- for people who go over their stipulated holidays) and a poor first draft.

There were many others- canceled trips, canceled reservations, missed outings, etc. etc. All for the sake of this paper. That is still dragging along.

Today we bought me a desk and chair. That was the final bastion of excuses I had built up - there is no place in the house to write, and I end up sitting on the bed/couch, and sleeping.

Now I have no excuses left.

I also have a very very very impatient and irritated post-doc advisor and am in real danger of pissing him off to the extent I will lose all credibility.

I had one more colleague who left the lab a few months before I did. She was following her husband who got transferred and she decided she was not going to be left behind without him. So she picked up and left. She did not take any ghosts with her. She simply wrote to our advisor saying she had some personal emergencies and was not going to be able to write her paper. My advisor finished it up and got it out.

I always felt superior to her. Look - here I stuck it out- for a whole year and more, separated from my boyfriend/husband and worked. And I didnt give up on the paper either, even after leaving.

But now I am beginning to wonder. I sacrificed a lot of personal life- that is even more accentuated now that we ended up living with my FIL once we began to live together- in that 1 year or so I stayed back in the U.S.
I have delayed this paper beyond reason - allowing myself to be scooped more than once, and, reaching a point where the technology I used is getting outdated.
I wonder who was smarter and more pragmatic after all?

So really. This is it.

The desk is nice - although it feels more like a kid's desk and I wish it was a bit taller.. but hey. No more excuses.

Office chat

noreply@blogger.com (The_Girl_From_Ipanema) — Wed, 22 May 2013 02:09:00 +0000

colleague 1- So why didnt you come to the program on saturday night?

Me- My husband is out of town, and my maid was not coming, so I didnt want to stay out too late as my F-I-L was alone at home..

colleague 1- Oh ok..

colleague 2 - My goodness it must be very difficult to manage no?

Me- Yeah it is ...

colleague 2- I mean one can manage without husband but without maid!

Hahaha!

LTNS

noreply@blogger.com (The_Girl_From_Ipanema) — Sun, 12 May 2013 17:39:00 +0000

Long Time No See!

Its been a while since I blogged.

Like all other sporadic blogging attempts this is just another mind dump.

Soon approaching the two year anniversary since I R2Ied, I am unhappy at the state of my social life, or lack thereof. I find that I have not a single good friend in the city, and my close friends who live elsewhere, I am barely in touch with.

It is hard to explain this kind of withdrawal. It is a mix of good old laziness, taking up a demanding job, and just dealing with the package deal that encompasses my move and letting it overwhelm me.

It hasnt gotten any better- the job is still demanding as hell, living with my FIL has only gotten more complicated and more tiresome, and well- readjusting to India is as complete as it can get.

Weekends were devoted to taking my FIL to his fav old dosa joint (a half-day sojourn), catching up with chores, sleeping, and trying to work on my damned paper that is leftover from my post-doc.

On two occasions when B went out of town I realised how bored I was on my own. Not a friend to go hang with, and dealing with my FIL for a whole weekend can be extremely frustrating and tiresome. I was so bored that I actually voluntarily opened up my old work folders and began working on my post-doc manuscript. Heh.

So of late, I began crawling out of my shell. I was also beginning to feel that our lifestyle is slightly dysfunctional. B and I only have office shit to discuss between ourselves, or discuss FIL. We do not have a balance, a different perspective, an outlet, or just another set of friends to compare our lives to. When we are battling maid woes, we feel like we are the only ones on earth. One fine day I sat with some of my colleagues at lunch and realised just about everyone has the same story going on.

I started with picking up the phone and regaining touch with old friends. The reassuring part is they were right there. It didnt take much to pick up from where we left off, but I also realised those calls were just- catch up calls. It didnt seem like they would turn into regular phone calls- simply because each of my friends is in a different phase of life, and at least 3 out of the 7-8 people i called had the exact same thing to tell me- My son dropped my phone and i lost your number! :)

May be I could turn them into regular calls- I am not sure. I do not want to give up now that I have gotten to a good start. But may be we also need to get out more in this city- find like minded people to hang out with- and hopefully that will help us gain some perspective.

How do people go about building friendships? I seem to have forgotten the art.

The best times are often when none of the ducks are in a row and the chips all over the place, so don't plan..just be.

noreply@blogger.com (The_Girl_From_Ipanema) — Tue, 23 Oct 2012 15:28:00 +0000

-Was a comment by binary footprints on one of my posts, where I was, as seems to be the recent trend, bemoaning my life and all its vagaries. Very good advice, that. Not always easy to practice, especially if one is wont to worry and wonder and brood like I am. But at some point I realised that it was a lot easier to do it that way.

Things have gotten better in the recent past, in many little undefinable ways. I have learned to be more vocal and outspoken about my feelings rather than let it all simmer and stew and show up in outbursts. And almost every single time I have gotten nothing but acceptance and understanding. B and I have learned to enjoy the little things in life and not allow ourselves to be bogged down by the inconveniences and upsets that come with life, India, dealing with his dad, etc. We have learned to take a lot of things in our stride and that has helped us not give any more importance to the things we cannot control. We have rectified our living situation slightly- we now have two maids and that serves as a bit of back up so that everything does not fall apart if one of them bunks. It is working to an extent, although I do think only a fulltime live in maid will really be the best answer to our situation. Those are not easy to come by.

Recently, we wanted to visit my parents for the weekend. We had not yet fully recovered from the last trip we took with my FIL, where B pretty much ended up looking after and baby-sitting his dad throughout the trip and barely enjoyed himself. I was very insistent that we plan one trip by ourselves, where we do not worry about my FIL. It was to be a weekend trip and we were counting on our maid to come in both days of the weekend and that would ensure my FIL was taken care of. However, our confidence in the maid had dropped considerably due to her irregularities, and after a lot of hand-wringing, where the simplest thing seemed to be to simply take my FIL along, a local organization in Bangalore - Nightingales that deals with dementia patients and provides home nurses and care came to our rescue. It turned out they did have help available for the days we needed to travel. Help came in the form of a young 20 year old puny but very pleasant and cheerful looking girl Geetha. The evening I brought Geetha home with me, my FIL was busy fussing over her, bringing her coffee and chatting her up and ensuring she was comfortable. By the time we acquainted her with the apartment and explained things to her, we left wondering who would be looking after who. Turns out the maid did not bunk, Geetha was good company for my FIL, and all in all the weekend was very uneventful.

B and I had a wonderful getaway, just getting on a plane together without worrying about my FIL felt like such a treat for us! Having B without the added burden of worrying after his dad allowed my family to see such a different side of him, and I enjoyed seeing him mingle comfortably with my relatives. My parents high point was that they were guaranteed a driver everytime their daughter visited with her husband, a real source of joy for a retired couple that doesnt drive and has to depend upon driver services every time they want to use their car.

In the meantime, my FIL really took a liking to Geetha and I began hoping if we could request the agency to send us the same person whenever we needed. Then I found out that it happened to be Geethas last working day, she was to return to her village after this to take care of a sick mother and had lots of problems going on on her homefront. She had told my FIL that her dream was to become a Chartered Accountant as she liked numbers. (She had studied until her P.U.C.)

I called her and thanked her for all her help and asked her to reach out to us if we could be of any help. I was quite amazed that she was able to smilingly carry on, put up with an old mans ramblings, be so pleasant and so reliable, in the face of her own issues. Indeed puts things in perspective like none else. I hope Geetha is able to realize her dream.

B and I are planning another short getaway soon. Hopefully the same agency is able to find us some help this time. In the meantime we have also begun seriously house-hunting and its a nice feeling, in as much as the process is overwhelming and daunting.

Things are coming together in their own ways, and some of it seems to happen naturally, with little effort on any of our parts. Its looking good.

Things are only as bad as you make them out to be

noreply@blogger.com (The_Girl_From_Ipanema) — Sun, 23 Sep 2012 05:51:00 +0000

Right?

We went out for dinner last night and as I looked about you could categorize all tables into two or three standard types- families- parents+kids, groups of loud friends, or just couples. Our table stood out - couple+old father in tow.

Its not like B and I do not go out just by ourselves, we do that about as often as we go out with his dad. I wish it was a bit more tilted in our favour. Instead, we have already begun planning separate vacations as we realise we both need a break and taking it together and trying to arrange for my FIL is such a pain and essentially not an option. I am tired of being in this set up, of having to think of the FIL every time we need to plan anything. Almost immediately, I feel guilty, but I think I am entitled to some degree of feeling fed up of it. I really wish I knew more people dealing with this kind of stuff and how they dealt with it. I am also afraid of getting tired of it so soon, when we have a long long way to go with this.

With my FIL, its like having a child to care for, with all the associated headache but none of the associated gratification. We are debating the idea of having our own kid given that our hands are already full caretaking for his dad, and it is only going to get more complicated. If we end up deciding against a kid, it would be a very practical decision but one that I know will leave me feeling sorry for myself, bitter and even resentful. But then again I am not sure if all these pangs I get for having a kid are completely real, or they are a result of conditioning, hormones and endless facebook pictures of my entire peer group having babies left right and center as biological clocks tick.

My latest mantra is Things are only as bad as you make them out to be. I can make a choice and learn to come to terms with our unique arrangement, give in to occasional ranting and cribbing or spend most of my time cribbing and be generally morose.

And then there is the blasted paper from my post-doc I need to submit. I know that is causing a large chunk of my unhappiness. I am reminded of similar miserable times in Philly, when I was dragging my feet on my Ph.D. paper. Then I lived alone and had little else to do other than dwell in endless cycles of procrastination and self-flogging. Here I have B ensuring I am plied with coffee, food, words of encouragement, nagging reminders, freedom from chores, all so I can focus and get the damn paper out. But yet here I am, still struggling with it. Once I get this draft out, it will free up so much of my time to do more guilt-free fun stuff. So I better get back to it.

Sigh.

One Year of R2I

noreply@blogger.com (The_Girl_From_Ipanema) — Sun, 26 Aug 2012 04:42:00 +0000

What prompted me to step back and take stock (and blog) was the realization that I have added little value to my life in the past one year. I feel like this has been the hardest year in some ways, so I was justified in not taking bigger strides to get some tangible achievements- I was just busy living and figuring stuff out along the way.

Stuff like-

1. R2I. Made it through the initial wave of reverse culture shock.

2. Got a decent job within a month of landing- proud of that.

3. Job allows me to exert my research skills about 40 to 50% of the time. The rest is people-management, presentation making etc. So honed that part too.

4. Job also got me authorship (Even if 1 of a dozen authors) in a decent paper. Feels good to see my publication track not stagnate.

5. Learned how to live with a husband AND cognition-impaired F-I-L in tow. This has been the hardest part, and is still Work in Progress.

6. Traveled a decent bit.

7. Learned to deal with a bunch of disappointments and adjustments wrt to how I thought married life together would be versus how it actually is. This is also Work in Progress.

8. Enjoyed the perks of R2I- visit my parents once in a few months, have a maid and never have to worry about dishes and cooking. Have a driver and have not yet started driving.

9. Enjoyed the feeling of double-income.

10. Explored the city, and I must say I like it.

Stuff that fell along the wayside-

1. Have not yet completed my post-doc paper. It is now in crisis stage, with my P.I threatening to demote my authorship if I dont turn it around. I am woefully stuck here and back in the same misery-hole I was when I was struggling with my Ph.D. paper after leaving grad school. I want to fix this right away because it will lead to me being a happier person and put an end to us allocating all my free time (the little of it that is) to the bloody paper and allow us to do more fun stuff that i want to do.

2. Effectively addressing the disappointments in my married life. Not sure how much of it is natural, that everyone goes through? The first year of living together after marriage I had imagined would be more filled with freshness, happiness, excitement and what not. Especially after two years of the US-India LDR. It was not so. We got consumed with routine, daily challenges, unhappiness in adjustments and of course moving in with the F-I-L and learning how to deal with him and his illness. I think we now realise the need to focus on ourselves as much, but I am wary of feeling bitter and shortchanged on the past year. I am guilty of not verbalizing enough. I want to change that now.

3. Health and weight gain - I just need to see photos of myself in skirts to realise the terrible amount of weight I have put on. I want to change this. Starting today.

4. Socializing- We have not made the effort to go and hang out with anyone. I am not sure why- partly being consumed in our own routines, and to some extent in our own unhappiness. The blog has presented the opportunity of several friendships that could be made and nurtured but I have not made the effort or even reciprocated when others did. I want to change this. We desperately need a social life and I desperately need good friends to hang with.

5. Learn driving and fire the driver who I cannot stand.

Hello World!

noreply@blogger.com (The_Girl_From_Ipanema) — Sat, 25 Aug 2012 07:38:00 +0000

How you doing? Blogger has gone and changed on me too! Yeh sab kya ho raha hai? This interface to compose posts looks like a command line text editor. Terrible. Other than that, I have been good. Thanks for asking. I want to come back to blogging because I am losing track of stuff. Life is just going by and I am doing little to make any concrete steps towards anything. That bothers me. How are you, if you are reading this? I will be back.

W O M M

noreply@blogger.com (The_Girl_From_Ipanema) — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 14:19:00 +0000

I miss blogging. I miss reading blogs, engaging in meaningless and meaningful debates. I miss friends I can call up to just kill time and chat. I miss having friends.

I dont feel intellectually engaged at my workplace. I keep very busy, and I do a good job at what I do. But its largely people management, fire fighting, disaster averting, and such. I miss journal club and scientific dissection of papers. I plan to start Jclub at my workplace, but I am afraid I do not foresee the kind of scientific discourse I was used to. I am beginning to feel overqualified at this job. The petty politics is also getting to me. I agree that politics will be there everywhere, but I would rather be dealing with it with people of my caliber, qualifications and such.

Thats the update on my work life. It is still fulfilling in its way, and there is plenty I derive joy from, but its not enough. Not enough to justify the 2 hour commute and investment of my energies and qualification. I am also afraid that my research capabilities will start rusting if I stick around here for too long.

W O M M

noreply@blogger.com (The_Girl_From_Ipanema) — Wed, 29 Feb 2012 16:21:00 +0000

I need to admit that I suffer from pangs of baby-envy every now and then. When I see little babies, when I hear of friends having a baby...etc. Luckily for us, we do not have too many nosy relatives asking us when we plan on having one- because we dont know the answer to that.

Settling down for us seems like its going to be a long process. 2.5 years in the country and my husband hates it. Me- not as much. I do get tired/frustrated and miss the lot easier and streamlined American way of life but am a lot more tolerant to India than he is. And I dont necessarily hold it against him. Different experiences, different thresholds, different people. But the unhappiness eventually wears you down and it is hard for me to remain positive and derive joys from where I can when I see him as unhappy. Where is the room for a kid in all of this?

Ofcourse, convoluted with this is the situation with my FILs dementia. My husband deals with him much more than I do on a daily basis. He comes home for lunch everyday, and is home an hour or two earlier than me in the evenings. He is completely worn out just from that. I dont blame him there either. I remember how it was the first month when I got back and was job hunting and staying at home all day. Dealing with my FILs repeatedly asking you the same question and reacting to it each time as if its the first time he was hearing that- is enough to drive you insane. So far, thats pretty much it. It is only going to get worse. Currently we cannot even go away for an extended period of time because he is dependent upon us for some really basic functions- like opening the door in the morning and taking the milk inside. We have very little space (mental) or time to ourselves while living with him. So where is the space for a kid in all of this?

I dont know. I dont know if I want one that badly either. Its just that I feel bad for myself, for not being able to think of it more freely than I can, given all these complications. If I had none of these issues would I have gone right ahead and had a baby? I dont know. May be.

Anyhow- after taking my FIL with us on 3 out-of-town trips, B and I finally could take a short trip together, - just the two of us- a couple weeks ago. We went away for one night for a friends wedding. It was such a relief to travel together, without the stress of dealing with my FIL, of minding his step for him, making sure he doesnt wander off, step into a hole or stumble over stone because his field of vision just stays straight ahead while walking etc. etc. It was a wonderful break. Our maid stepped up really well to the plate, and took good care of my FIL for the two days. I hope we can do this more often now.

Oh well, where would I go if I didnt have the blog to vent to? Feels better already.

W O M M

noreply@blogger.com (The_Girl_From_Ipanema) — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 06:26:00 +0000

First off a shout out to all the folks that left comments on my past few posts. Since the posts were really old, the comments got held up by bloggers filter and I only recently got to see them myself. I am indeed alive and kicking and thanks for your concern/comments.

Life is progressively getting a lot better at my end. I got to attend a wedding in my family, the first wedding I managed to attend in the past ten years. My sis, niece and b-i-l were also there, and indeed, that was the best part of it for me- getting to hang out with them like the old days in US where I got to see them every other weekend. Other than that finally getting to wear one of the saris I bought during my wedding but never got to wear, wedding chaos, the train journey with 2 bogeys full of the wedding party, was all fun. We took an extra day off to sight-see around Orissa and enjoyed discovering parts of India that neither B nor I have ever been to, and hope to do a lot more of this now.

We took my FIL with us and at the end of day 1, B was exhausted from having to look after him, as the new surroundings, chaos and change had made him extremely disoriented. We began reconsidering our idea of putting him through the strenuous train journey and were ourselves were feeling stressed out and tired from having to deal with him. We even considered cutting short our trip and returning right after the wedding. But by day 2 he had readjusted himself and also enjoyed all the hungama, watching the ceremonies, telling us that it reminded him of our wedding etc. He also enjoyed all the sight-seeing we did and to his credit, was an excellent sport and never once complained about the stress he was feeling. At the end of 5 days, both B and I were glad we could take him around and didnt cut short our trip on his account, as he seemed to be quite refreshed and energized from it despite the initial disturbances.

So far we have taken 3 out of town trips and taken my FIL with us on each of them. While it felt nice to be able to show him a good time, we also realize that we need to plan a getaway for just the two of us, although we have yet to figure out the logistics of what to do with my FIL. Hopefully this materializes soon.

All in all, the trips have definitely helped to refresh and re-energize us. Another thing that has livened up our lives is getting in touch with friends and socializing. It definitely helps break routine and gives us something to plan and look forward to.

I am undecided about my job- I miss research and feel envious seeing my peers busy actually doing science while I have moved (too quickly for my taste) into more of a people-managerial role. I also have trouble adjusting my expectations with the kind of caliber that I get from my team. They are masters-level people and are very good at doing what they are told to but I wish to see a lot more pro-activeness, spark and drive that I dont see. I am trying ways to infuse it, but not sure I am getting through. On the other hand, I enjoy the field that I am getting a lot of exposure to in this job and the position of responsibility. Lets see where it goes.

Long time no see!

noreply@blogger.com (The_Girl_From_Ipanema) — Sun, 23 Oct 2011 04:45:00 +0000

I survived the R2I. Its been 3 months now. There were days it was crazy and other days it was not so bad. There were a handful of awesome days. But none of that has to do with moving back to India- if it were left to me and me alone, I think I would be fine- of course all the things that frustrate one at first about India would still frustrate me- the lack of efficiency, the lack of accountability, the daily struggles, lack of systems- but I got used to most of it really quick . I then find that my husband will probably never be ok with it. Given a chance, he would want to leave India the first opportunity we got. To each his own, but that kind of unhappiness is not easy to deal with. Nor is the realization that your happiness is so inextricably linked to anothers. I think I have had the biggest trouble coming to terms with that.

I started working a month after I got here. The job search was also interesting. My interviews went well and my talks were well-received everywhere I interviewed. Offers took their time coming, and I took the first offer I got - essentially because I could no longer sit at home and do nothing. Now I have 10 - hour long work days and 2 hour long commutes. I enjoy my job for most - the exposure, the responsibility (group leader in a small sized co.) and all of that- but I hate that I have to pay such a huge price for it with my personal life. I work 2 Saturdays too. So that leaves me no time to spend with my husband. Having spent 2 yrs in the long-distance, I was looking forward to returning to India and living a normal life and doing fun stuff together. Instead we have my FIL to look after, cannot plan out of town trips unless we take him with us, and essentially I feel like we have gone from long distance to leading the life married people lead after several years of marriage- totally skipping that in between newly married freshness. Sometimes I even feel like our LDR was more fulfilling in its own ways. Given that most of the causes for this are out of our control (work hours, commute time, FIL) it is all the more maddening and disheartening.

On the bright side, I do think we have brought a huge improvement to my FILs quality of life by moving back and living with him. I am very very happy that we are able to do that. I feel very proud of us and very conscious of the sacrifice we have made to be able to do this, because it is not one bit easy. Every time I feel excessively down I draw strength from the fact that we have helped him live a better life in his present condition.

In the early days after we moved back, my FIL was quite appreciative of the changes we have effected in his life. Now he has lapsed into a phase where he feels restricted (he can not continue with the same freedom and ease here in the new apartment as he would in his old) and as if we have locked him down. I guess the novelty wore off soon, and also a lot of it is just an outcome of his condition- it will be given to bitterness and frustration and all of that. We will have to learn to let it not bother us. We would benefit by slowly getting him to learn some of the things that can enable his independence to some extent, and we are doing that- but it demands a lot of patience and we cannot always do it. So we have managed to teach him to go down for a walk, using the stairs, and the building watchman ensures he gets back into the lift and makes his way home. So he at least gets to have his walk everyday. Us sleeping in on a sunday means he would be sitting up, aimlessly, waiting for us to wake up because he is unable to work the door and take the milk to make his coffee. Its small things like that, that make me feel terribly frustrated at times.

B and I do enjoy some of the fun parts of married life such as shopping for house stuff, buying our first car together, etc. So that has been fun. I have his unfaltering support in my professional life. Being new to the corporate world, Id run every one of my office life issues by him and he taught me how to deal with stuff. I can readily commit to out of town assignments and he will pack my bags while I am frantically working on my powerpoints until the last minute. He took the day off when I was sick to be able to tend to me. He has dinner heated up and ready when I come home tired after office every day. We have a nice maid who cooks our meals, and is nice and considerate with my FIL. We never have to worry about cooking and dishes- a huge and welcome change from our lives in the U.S.

But life easily slips into a routine and theres little we seem to be able to do to fix that. Perhaps all life does get routine at some point, its a question of me realizing it and coming to terms with it. My close friends tell me to give it time. I just keep hoping that in that process, this doesnt become our life. Let us see.

I miss the outlet that blogging gave me. It feels good to come here and vent.

It is sinking (in) part 2

noreply@blogger.com (The_Girl_From_Ipanema) — Wed, 29 Jun 2011 13:46:00 +0000

Next step to really drive home that you are moving out? Putting up your items for sale. After a lot of procrastinating I finally posted my stuff this morning and already have people fighting over my stuff (or so I'd like to believe). :) I was stressing out about not being able to get rid of all my stuff but turns out that if you mark down your stuff there's always several poor post-docs who have just moved in and want it . As of now I am saving numbers in my cellphone with names such as table, chair, bookshelf. :) The phone has been ringing non stop and the new mail icon is bouncing endlessly on my mac. Stay tuned for stories of bidding wars, cat-fights and what not at the home of TGFI. Yay! exciting!

ETA: Of course, it could also end like this

deep_thought

It's 2019. What's a blog?

I think I am back

Oh Hi AGAIN.

Oh! Hi...

Whats On My Mind

On Being Political

Back to the grind

6 weeks unemployed

Bringing back W O M M

Stay At Home Person

Blogging is such a thing of the past

The thing about procrastination

I've moved

No more excuses

Office chat

colleague 1- So why didnt you come to the program on saturday night?

Me- My husband is out of town, and my maid was not coming, so I didnt want to stay out too late as my F-I-L was alone at home..

colleague 1- Oh ok..

colleague 2 - My goodness it must be very difficult to manage no?

Me- Yeah it is ...

colleague 2- I mean one can manage without husband but without maid! Hahaha!

LTNS

The best times are often when none of the ducks are in a row and the chips all over the place, so don't plan..just be.

Things are only as bad as you make them out to be

One Year of R2I

Hello World!

W O M M

W O M M

W O M M

Long time no see!

It is sinking (in) part 2

colleague 2- I mean one can manage without husband but without maid!

Hahaha!