1Body2Souls-A Gay Confession

Six Years!

noreply@blogger.com (Manav Desh) — Sat, 15 Oct 2011 08:01:04 PDT

I can't believe I have been blogging for six years!

Ask Manav- Photos?

noreply@blogger.com (Manav Desh) — Tue, 30 Aug 2011 13:50:17 PDT

Is that you in the blue portrait of "What's in a name ?"

I think this face goes very well with the body pics you posted later on

On the other side as you are closeted, why would post a pic of yourself ?

Rosalie

No. I have never posted any face pics anywhere in this blog. There are one or two pics of my navel. As you said, I won't be anonymous anymore if I post my pics.

He is Married, but .....

noreply@blogger.com (Manav Desh) — Wed, 27 Jul 2011 23:41:57 PDT

hi manav,

i'm (name withheld). i follow ur blog. i like it.
i need ur help . i was a simple boy . working in a engineering company in delhi. enjoying life . chatting wid frnds and girlfrnds . but suddenly something happened. kuchh huya. i met a guy. bijuriya chamki. we became frnd. but i realized it was not just a frndship.
one day he told me that he's getting married. his parents and dadi is forcing him. - ..kind of rituals .
i felt something wrong. something that was going to be wrong....don know....but wrong....
i wasnt sure then but now i realize ....i love him ........i love him very much. i've not told him yet.
my life has became a joke . ive ruined my life. don know what to do. cant live widout him .always i think about him . i dream , i see his face in others .i'm getting mad .sometime i cry for him weep for him . like a thirsty bird i wait for his call . to hear his voice . to see his face .
desperately i fall in love wid him. and he's going to be someone's husband. i cant take it .
i cant do my work and take responsibilities . i cant indulge myself in music movies masti entertainment .
wat is happned to me ?

plzzz tell me wat i've to do.

First of all, do nothing silly, like trying to get in contact with him or sleep with him. The heartbreak and pain you feel are all normal emotional responses any person would have felt in your position... straight or gay. Also, you are young so your emotional responses are more pronounce. So, give yourself some time, I am sure you'll get over it. Keep yourself reminding that he is married. Turning to one of your hobbies at such a time is always helpful. I always write when face with emotionally challenging situations. It has always given me peace.

I may be wrong here, but your failure to express your love for him before he got married is eating you up. "What if?" that's the question you keep asking. Bottomline is that regrets, heartbreaks, tears, and pain are the other faces of love. Lucky ones never get to see those faces, but some unlucky ones just have to deal with it.

World Champs!

noreply@blogger.com (Manav Desh) — Sat, 02 Apr 2011 23:51:51 PDT

So, the men in blue have finally done it. India are the ICC world champions and I am very proud and happy. How many times we have seen the formidable Indian batting lineup collapse at crucial matches, choking, hanging their (and the nations) head in shame. Then came MR. Cool, M.S. Dhoni. We all know that he has the right attitude and the temperament, but still we all were weary of the fact that night might not go all the way and lift the cup. But not this time. Congratulations to the Indian Team and 1.21 billion Indians.

A True Icon!

noreply@blogger.com (Manav Desh) — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 03:19:45 PDT

I have always liked John Abraham not only because he is hot, but because he is always humble and down to earth kind of guy despite his stardom. People told me that he is considered 'the gay icon' of India, but I have always considered it as media invented thing after his hugely successful gay themed movie Dostana, and his butt expose scene in the same movie. I watched this interview a week ago and I have to say my respect for him has grown many fold. So, join me in wishing him the very best of luck in his future projects.

And for those who have no idea who John Abraham is and why his butt has been discussed at length, the video below will speak for itself.

Funny

noreply@blogger.com (Manav Desh) — Mon, 28 Mar 2011 11:56:00 PDT

I know this guy is trying to look sensual and all, but he just makes me laugh. I don't know, there is something very fake about this pictures, it's like reading a bad novel in terms of reading.

Come a long way

noreply@blogger.com (Manav Desh) — Mon, 28 Mar 2011 09:10:19 PDT

I am honored to receive emails from readers regularly. This one kind of stands out-- short and sweet!

I haven't visited in a long time and, boy! You have come a long way!

Congratulations!!

Jason

Thank you very much Jason!

Idol Judges

noreply@blogger.com (Manav Desh) — Mon, 28 Mar 2011 03:00:32 PDT

So, Randy Jackson is trying hard to be the bad ass judge in the absence of Simon Cowell. May be it's the effect of sitting in his chair (left chair facing the stage). But Randy can never be Simon, for one thing, Randy doesn't have a pair of giant nipples.

Ask Manav

noreply@blogger.com (Manav Desh) — Thu, 17 Mar 2011 01:52:47 PDT

Just read ur old post "Hostel Life- the sex" once more. Took me back to older days: gushing hormones, wild fantasies, 'daring' deeds.

Things become quieter with age: sweeter perhaps. Less of anxiety, more rewarding.

What d u think?

albd

Glad you mentioned this. I re-read the post and I felt nostalgic, like always. It seems such a long time ago when I posted it, and those days, when the events actually happened, seem even more ancient. Yeah, those fantasies, adrenaline, hormones, and sex... all seem kind of funny now, and still I miss those days. One thing I don't miss is the nagging feeling I had of being different from others; the frustrations of not understanding why I was attracted to guys. I had no idea then that many guys were attracted to guys, unlike the boys of today. In that sense, I feel better now, even a simple kiss is more rewarding now because I do it with total honesty. Knowing who I am is a more satisfying feeling than those fun filled but unsure days.

I Surrender

noreply@blogger.com (Manav Desh) — Sat, 05 Mar 2011 09:29:49 PST

It was his smile that caught my attention. He was introduced to me as a friend of a friend. My razor sharp gaydar kicked in and I was sure he was gay. He was speaking to me and I was looking at his scattered facial hair on his chin, and those were the only ones he got on his smooth face. Probably he didn't need to shave everyday like I do. His hair was gelled like a poorly built nest, but atop his face and his smile it all made sense. His lips quivered a little when not speaking. I took that as a sign of nervousness to tell me how he actually felt about me. I took the bold initiative and slightly touch his hands, and he took that as me reaching out for a handshake. We shook our hands and I could sense the muscular body hiding behind his woolen multicolored pullover (Benetton, as I later found out). Everybody stood up to disperse. We could have parted ways then, but good thing we had the same way back home and he needed a lift, or, did he really need a lift? It promised to be a nice ride.

"Do you have a girlfriend?" he asked.

"Nope." I was awash with optimism. But...

"I have a girlfriend. She is beautiful, she is this, she is that, blah blah blah..." He spoke all the way.

I guess that was his idea of small talk, and silently I swear never to trust my gaydar again. I surrender!

P.S. Sorry for the cheesy title. I just couldn't help it :)

Republic Day

noreply@blogger.com (Manav Desh) — Fri, 21 Jan 2011 23:14:33 PST

It's that time of year again when we wave and salute our national flag. Happy Republic Day to all the Indians.

Photo by Maycon Silveira

Ask Manaav

noreply@blogger.com (Manav Desh) — Mon, 17 Jan 2011 00:41:08 PST

Some questions from Bluedenim:

I just read your blog and had a few questions:

How old are you? I imagine not over 30, not by much. But you are getting there aren't you? No wonder your mother is frantic to get you wed and bred.

I am 34 years old, and yes, my mother wants me to get me wed and bred (Gosh! this word makes me feel like an animal or something lol) but you are spot on with that.

Where in India are you? In one of the bigger cities, I would imagine. Will you be living there in 30 years? And with whom?

I have spent most of my student life (few years of schooling and all of college) in bigger cities and I have lived briefly in a big city, but I am for the last 7 years working and living in a small city (at least by population) called Imphal, not very far from the Myanmarese border.

My hope is to find a guy whom I'll fell in love with and with whom I can settle down. If that happens, I definitely can't settle down here, because that's just not possible. Even if the guy is from Imphal, we have to settle down elsewhere, probably in a bigger cities where people doesn't care who lives next door. But I also know that is easier said than done, so I guess time will tell. And if I don't find someone like that, I plan to live my single life here in Imphal, near my parents.

I thinnk gay men in India, correct me if I'm wrong, end up getting married and spawning a few children and then give up looking for true love. In fact, they give up looking for happiness. They concentrate on work, money, their children's education and only when alone do they dare dream of the smooth round asses of young men. Will that be you?

I definitely don't want to be one of those guys. Just a few years ago I used to wonder why gay men marry girls. It just doesn't make sense, right? But now that I am 34 years old, I am beginning to see why they do get married. First, it's next to impossible to find a guy who will settle down with another guy despite being madly in love. At some point they just give up, you know. And may be they think, since there is zero possibility of finding true love why not make their parents happy by bringing them a daughter-in-law and, of course, by 'spawning a few children' :) They think they can suppress their urges for "the smooth round asses of young men" and hard penises (if I might add lol), but they realize much later, when it is too late, that they can't stop thinking about those things. So, yeah, I don't want to be that guy. But one part of me says with increasing intensity that it will be so easy to give up on finding true love and just settle for whatever life and society throw at me.
At least that will make my family happy!

Forgive me for being so bold, but, after reading your blog, I thought I'd ask you these questions directly.

You are giving me lots of food for thought. So, thanks.

I used to live in India. I spent several years in Maharashtra. But I'm a Caucasian American writing you today from California.

I gathered from your questions that you are not Indian.

It's okay if you don't have the answers to those questions. I just thought I'd ask.

I am happy to answer those questions. Take care, and thanks also for reading my blog.

Gym Equipment

noreply@blogger.com (Manav Desh) — Wed, 12 Jan 2011 17:20:08 PST

One gym equipment site asked me for a link exchange. So, what is it about gays and gym? That is what I was thinking, and kind of reminded me of a friend (straight, as far as I know) who always insist I should join the gym he goes to. Though I love working out a bit (I have some basic equipments at home) but never really bothered to go to a gym. But I decided to go and have a look at the gym this time. As my friend was giving me a tour of the workout area I saw men, sexy men, saying hi and hello to me. I immediately signed up... and kind of wondered if any of the men in there was gay, to which I concluded it was more than likely :)

P.S. I signed up also to keep myself fit, of course.

Happy New Year!

noreply@blogger.com (Manav Desh) — Mon, 03 Jan 2011 20:30:06 PST

Well, the year 2010 had been a year of disappointment. You ask, so, you didn't find your life partner, huh? Yes, that and pretty much everything else also falls apart. The griefs of losing family members to dead made me run far away from friends, work hit a hard blow, and then when I was slowly recovering, Mom is trying hard to arranged a marriage for me. I am resisting it, but at times, or rather most of the times, I feel how easy it will be to just give in to my Mom's demand and get married to a girl. That's what my head is saying (screaming), but my heart says something else. I have to admit the voice in my heart is becoming faint and the voice in my head is gaining grounds. One way or the other, the aching in my heart is all the more pronounced.

Love you all, and a happy new year 2011.

Manav

Freindship Day

noreply@blogger.com (Manav Desh) — Sat, 31 Jul 2010 05:31:08 PDT

I believe friendship is the foundation of all relationship. So, here's a special to celebrate friendship bonds that I have formed with many of you since starting this blog. I know I haven't met most of you and our contact is only virtual. These pictures are images of the hope I have that someday we shall meet. Happy Friendship Day to you all.

The World Cup

noreply@blogger.com (Manav Desh) — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 04:01:02 PDT

You think I have told you everything about me? Not quite. I am a football (or soccer if you are in US) fanatic. I have been watching the world cup avidly and Spain is my team. I know they had a dismal start and are perpetual underperformer of the world cup. But I still love the team. Other countries I love watching play are Germany, Argentina, Portugal, England and the African countries( because they play with lot of heart). Tell me which one is your team.

Help!

noreply@blogger.com (Manav Desh) — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 06:57:40 PDT

Update 6th April (original post below):
Thank you guys for responding to my request. I'll be shortly sending you my work for edit. Here's little something for your support ;)..... why this picture? He actually looks like a sex buddy I had,( a bit darker skin though).... well technically, I still have him..... he is just a phone call away. But as you might remember, I resolved to have no dirty deeds this year......lol I can't believe I am still sticking by my resolve. The urge to break it was tremendous.

I know I haven't been blogging. I am in this phase of my life right now where I cannot blog with an open mind which means I won't be doing justice to this blog and its readers if I write. So, sorry. I don't know if I deserve to ask for your help. But let me try:

I know some of you are avid book readers. So, I know you will encourage me. I have tried writing some short stories (Don't get your hopes up... it's not necessary gay theme or erotic :) So, I am basically looking for an editor who will comment, correct and critique my work (grammar and style wise......more brutal the better) before I even think of submitting it to publication houses, or, more accurately before I think of myself as a writer. I won't be able to pay, but I can sent you eye candies starting below lol

His eyes are very haunting, don't you think. God! It even inspires me to write a story hahaha

P.S. I understand that you won't want to leave your email address publicly here. Please contact me at imphaldiary@gmail.com

I've Got Mail

noreply@blogger.com (Manav Desh) — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 00:34:35 PST

Hi Manav,

Please do not stop blogging.

Please do not be silent.

Your voice has shone much light into the darkness of many lives.

Many have found a kindred spirit.

Many a heart has become lighter

Many have found strength and courage to carry on.

It is so refreshing to discover oneself through your words.

Please don't stop the music.

It lets me sleep well at night.

Cheers and May God Bless You

Regards

Deb

Thanks Deb for the email. It is heartwarming and fulfilling to read such an email. It felt great to know that my meager writings bring peace to your mind. I don't know what else to say but I can tell you that emails such as yours brings the same effect on me. And about my not blogging, I am just having problems at work and can't divert my mind so much from it. I am sorry. I promise I'll always be around :) and also you all are always in my heart.

1vote=1child's education

noreply@blogger.com (Manav Desh) — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 05:07:11 PST

Passing by the begging children on the streets of cities across India I have always wondered, even though for just a moment, how wonderful it will be if I could do something for them. And here comes a unique opportunity to do that something I always wanted to do. Here's an email I got today and I want to share it with you. Please vote coz it means "1 vote= 1 child's education" I like this idea very much.

Dear imphaldiary,

Here is a unique opportunity to reach out and impact thousands of lives through your blog. Yes, sitting at your desk and writing a blog post can help educate 40,000 young Indians all over our country!

One of India’s most trusted and credible NGOs, GiveIndia is taking part in a competition on Facebook to win a US$1 million grant. The winner will be the NGO that gets the highest number of votes from Facebook users. The prize of $1 million will help put or keep 40,000 children across India in school for one year!

Imagine the IndiBlogger community coming together to spread the word and help the underprivileged children of India. The impact would be tremendous and together, IndiBloggers and GiveIndia would be able to gather the votes we need to win.

Voting in the competition is for one week only, from Friday, January 15 – Friday, January 22, 2010. Can we make a difference in the next 5 days? We sure hope so!

The link for voting, where you can also see more details of the competition is

http://apps.facebook.com/chasecommunitygiving/charities/338730

There’s been lots of talk about how social media can bring change and make an impact on the world we live in. Well, here is one tangible way for us to take a small action that could have a HUGE outcome.

In case you have more questions about this, please write to giveindiachase@gmail.com and a GiveIndia team member would be happy to reply.

Regards,

The IndiBlogger Team & The GiveIndia Team

blog.giveindia.org

@GiveIndia

Lo and Behold

noreply@blogger.com (Manav Desh) — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 04:29:19 PST

Yes, I do surf for eye candies on the net and one of my fav website is Corbin Fisher. I have used pictures from it in many of my earlier posts, as you might have noticed. This model is just one of the many hot candies in it. And what a great sight he is!

2010- A Simple Life

noreply@blogger.com (Manav Desh) — Sun, 10 Jan 2010 04:48:16 PST

Some posts ago I wrote about 'a perfect life' I would want. Well, that seems very hard coming. Well, 2010 is a new year and it seems to be telling me not to make a fuss over it, and lead a simple life. So, I have given up smoking from November(Yes again! and this time for good. I PROMISE), on a diet, doing some gardening, got myself two dogs, and most importantly I promise myself 'no fucking around' and by that I meant literally. Two days into the new year and I was already thinking what could be the reward I'll get for leading a simple life. Day six into the new year I think I was rewarded handsomely, but of all the things it could have given me, 2010 decided to reward me with 'a simple fuck'- young, good looking, no strings.... just good fuck. Did I take it? What can I say, my hands were tied, or should I say my libido was seriously challenged :)

He came as a construction worker, asked to built a gate in two weeks time. Work nowadays means crisis management, for all the negative things possible is happening there nowadays (a good reason for not blogging often). I concentrated all my energy into overlooking that gate construction for I dare not think about the possibility of closing down my business. I even failed to notice how good looking he was, the effect of my leading a simple life? or may be just work pressure. A real mystery for I have never failed to notice a guy like him before, specially when I was closely working with him for over five days. But how long can his always uncovered biceps hide from my sight? How long can a cute smile of a twenty something guy on a chiseled manly body stay away from my eyes? But unlike before, this time it came all together at one go like a blast when he shook my hand and asked me if there was something wrong.

He was waiting for me that day at my house to discuss the final designs of the gate. I had asked him to bring it but forgotten all about it until my mom came inside my room and told me someone has been waiting for me. I didn't see him when I came in but looking out from my room I saw him sitting in my lawn. It was a very bad day at work, worse than all the bad days I have had in the last few months. He must have noticed the stress, and had asked the question when I called him inside my room and shook his hand. I looked at him for the first time not as the construction worker but as a guy standing next to me, and then there was the BLAST triggered by his cute smile and his firm hands. "I'll bring this tomorrow at work... you should rest now" he said and I agreed. With all the tensions at work, I was not in a mood to add the emotional trauma of guessing some good looking guy was straight or not.

From the next day he waited for me after work to meet me. The first day was to finalized the gate designs and the other days were just to update me about the work progress. By the third day I realized he just wanted to meet me! On the fourth day, he offered me a massage and started rubbing my neck. His construction tools harden hands were surprisingly soft, and I felt his breath on my neck. That is when he murmured how much he like me. I felt his hands on my torso and on my penis. Take a day off and let's go to Sekmai (popular picnic spot near Imphal) to celebrate the New Year, let's swim naked on Sekmai river- he told me. We could go to your place afterward and you can fuck me. Let's have some fun.

I came home forgetting everything about work. It felt nice to be appreciated and being liked. But I text him soon after that I won't be able to go on a picnic with him. The prospect of a gorgeous guy swimming naked with me and have fun sex seems like a fabulous reward, but I know that's what I don't want from life this year. I just want 2010 to give me simple rewards like seeing my family smiling, my garden blossoming, and my pet dogs wagging their tails on seeing me.

Happy New Year!

If I were a Butterfly

noreply@blogger.com (Manav Desh) — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 05:12:23 PST

I wanted to write about him, but I couldn't because he reads my blog (Yes, I am a shy person!). We talked about weather over the phone, and often ends up having small arguments. We have met once, but a bear hug was the only intimate physical contact we had had. May be we are just good friends I had thought. But there are plans to spend the New Year together. I wish I were a butterfly, at least they know what to do with the flowers that bloom on their way.

A Perfect Life

noreply@blogger.com (Manav Desh) — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 05:47:57 PST

People ask me, "What's your dream? What would be your perfect life? What do you desire to be?" Well, I am a simple man and I have simple dreams. God seems to have given me everything that a guy in early thirties wants- career, health, material wealth, friends, social standing, respect, girls who want me..... but the only thing God seems to have forgotten to give me is the one thing I most desire- a simple life with a guy I love. Good photographs always inspire me, these photographs for RistefskyMacheda gave me renewed longing for that simple but perfect life I desire.

Ask Manav: Infertility and Being Gay

noreply@blogger.com (Manav Desh) — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 07:41:17 PST

"She is sexy, she is hot. And I have sex with her only for a child"

Question:

hi friend,
I have read the recent post in your blog. Does your preacher(?) have any problem in getting his wife conceive? I mean medical reason? You also said "possibly" children....What does it mean? Do you think there is any relation between gays and infertility? Because I am facing such situation..though doctors told me everything is normal after analyzing my test reports, I am thinking whether any genetic cause playing role in infertility..too many doubts..but..as per doctors everything is alright ..so I hope one day I must be successful.

I request you to respond and take the opinions of your friends as well

Answer:

For the readers the Preacher our friend is referring to is the person I have mentioned in one of my earlier posts)

Well, he (the preacher) was married for several years and he didn't have a child from that marriage. Was it because he is gay? I don't think so, because his second wife got conceived within the first two months of their marriage. Most likely his first wife was too old to conceive without medical help (married after 35years). But these are all speculations from what I know from the outside, I never asked and he never told me why he didn't have children from his first marriage.

The intriguing question that arises is, was his disinterest in having sex with women (his wife in this case) has anything to do with their childlessness? May be, may be not. An expert in this subject can only tell.

As for my saying "Possibly children...." in the same posts, I was just trying to tell the readers what my mother might be expecting from me, and it has nothing to do with fertility or lack of it.

I am no expert so my answers are just speculations, may be our readers (as this questioner has requested) can throw some more light and help ease his anxiousness.

Gay Straight Guys

noreply@blogger.com (Manav Desh) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 00:24:33 PST

A humorous way of showing sexual confusions that gays go through before they are certain about their sexuality. Gay guys, mostly the masculine type, usually thinks they are straight until an incident like the above.