1Body2Souls-A Gay Confession

Monsoon shower

imphaldiary@gmail.com (Manav Desh) — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 13:57:33 PDT

May be it was the monsoon rains I was waiting for that Saturday afternoon, staring at the ceiling fan above, almost drowning in humidity, waiting for that illusive something.... to quench an unquenchable something that engulfs me whenever I am alone nowadays.

Uncaring monsoon rains come at will, too early like last year or too late like this year, but none complains when they do come. The smell of joy of the parched land that tasted the first drops of rain and the greenery all around with big wide grins tell one thing very clearly; monsoon rains bring something to cheer about, that they will (even if a myth) solve everyone's problem.

It is still a mystery why AK came to see me that same afternoon. Unannounced, without any reason, but beautiful as usual in a checked shirt with a matching tie, he came in with that smile which once crippled my heart every time it flashed. I gave back what was supposed to be a smile.... which actually turned out to be anything but. After some few pauses of awkwardness, we finally settled down in normal conversation. He told me he finally decided to give up studies and found a job, that's why the formal clothing- he said looking down at his tie. I told him about the new exciting project I was working on. And then after some few more pauses it came…. I told him about my sister’s painful death. His twinkling eyes just a minute ago transformed into this inviting bottomless well of sympathy, where I couldn’t resist jumping into, and I ended up telling him every details of my sister’s last few months and how I felt and still feel about it.

He lends a patient ear holding my hand all the while, and when I ended he drew me close making my head rest on his chest, holding me tightly. Something triggered my tears to flow and I was sobbing ….. a sob over which I had no control. And then, it happened. We kissed. A kissed before which you didn’t think of kissing, a kiss after which you just want to be kissed even more, it was as natural as that. We spoke nothing afterwards as if not wanting to pollute the fragrance that lingered of what just happened with useless words.

Outside, the clouds cracked and the shower that resulted slowly swallowed the humidity. I could feel the happiness of the farmers on the arrival of their trusted friend called monsoon. There is rain and there will be no crop failure- I can almost hear them think. Everything was cheerful and great again!

As it turned out, the next day the meteorology department informed that it was not the arrival of monsoon but a burst of some passing stray clouds. Everybody was happy that it provided some relieve from the unbearable heat at least. I know it was just a kiss and nothing more, but I am thankful that AK provided me ‘that something’ when I needed it the most.

Summer Treat

imphaldiary@gmail.com (Manav Desh) — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 09:55:24 PDT

It's been a while I posted a pics only post. That was a conscious decision. But come on guys! It's summer and I can't bear the heat anymore. Anyway, I need some cheering up after all that happened in my life the past months. This is me treating myself and also my way of saying life goes on........

and yes, so many of you asked me what's my kinna guys. Strictly speaking of looks, this guy comes very close; nothing flashy, nothing sleek, no muscles.... just a jeans and t-shirt kinna cool guy.

Agony

imphaldiary@gmail.com (Manav Desh) — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 09:05:00 PDT

The other day two friends (gays like me but much younger) came visiting me. So? One might ask. If you dig a little deeper in my blog/life you will know the significance. It sort of mark a milestone in my gay life. Finally, I have friends visiting me to whom I can confide about guys I like, and tell them about my long distance friend whom I met in Delhi. Actually we did just that. Being much younger then me, by about 7/8 years, they were in a chatty mood. They talked non stop. Some years ago I was thinking I was the only gay in the city and here we were in the same city, taking about guys, sex with men and so many other things which are taboo subjects with other straight friends. Oh yeah, I was loving every minute of it.

We laughed over trivial matters about guys, I was happy. But the next minute there was a built-up inside me of guilt, raze, anger and every negative thing you could think of. Oh no! It has nothing to do with the two sweet guys in front of me. Yes, it has to do with the recent lost of my sister. I guess I am still in the mourning period as she was very close to me. I keep asking God for reasons knowing fully well He is not going to answer. Sleep is hard to come by at nights, and when it finally comes it is fill with the few days before and after her death; like the day her body lay in the cargo section and I in the airport lounge to catch the same flight to go home together.

Above all this as her death sinks in I am feeling my heart sinking in an abyss with no bottom. The impact of this family tragedy is huge on me (Yes, I am human and selfish ends add more weight to my already heavy heart). Things I thought difficult to do before now become impossible; like leaving home to settle with someone I love.

Mom cries every few hours nowadays, specially when she looks at the personal belongings of my sister. One sentence she keeps saying wiping away her tears is, "At least, I have my son with me." May be (No, not may be....) I am sure that is the only thought which is keeping her alive.

Hello

imphaldiary@gmail.com (Manav Desh) — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 09:57:22 PDT

After the tragedy that happened in the past few months, I think I am on my feet again and that means I'll be posting soon.

Here's something for you till then. That is, if you are in 'Ugg boots'. Here's an interesting offer from one of the Ugg boots selling company. Below is what they told me. Try if it works.

"I just found your site 1body2soul.blogspot.com and I'm not sure if you would be interested but I created a gift card for your readers which gives them $30 USD (£19 GBP) to spend on our website.

All your readers need to do is visit our website at www.whoogaboots.co.uk and enter the code 1BODY2SOUL into the box in the cart. There are no conditions on it and we do ship to all countries."

It's all over

imphaldiary@gmail.com (Manav Desh) — Thu, 28 May 2009 11:40:49 PDT

It was hard few months for me and my family. I don't want to go into details because that will open up the wounds which are very raw and I have been trying hard for the past few days to close them. But i can tell you this, two of my family members were fighting for their lives in those months, and it all ended about two weeks ago with one of them leaving us forever. The storm wrecked havoc and has passed, leaving us survivors to salvage what is left of my family. I have realized now that it is useless to ask God to remove mountains from my paths, all I can ask Him is to give me strength to cross those mountains. May God be with us all.

Thank you very much for your prayers and kind words of support. The park bench in front of the hospital, and the tears that I have shed sitting on them will testify that your prayers and words of supports were the few things that kept me going in those dark hours.

P.S. May be someday I'll have the strength to tell you what exactly happened.

To God I Pray

imphaldiary@gmail.com (Manav Desh) — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 04:30:30 PDT

Dear God, I know I have never been the one who often comes to you and pray. Never in my life I have prayed so much, so hard with tears in my eyes as I did in the past few weeks. If the grief you are giving me and my family now is to make me realize YOU are the greatest and that YOU are the only option when everything else fails. Then you have already achieved your goal. Please end the grief that has befallen on me and my family. I beg for your mercy.

Dear friends, me and my family needs your prayers like never before. Please pray for us.

Photo.... Not Me

imphaldiary@gmail.com (Manav Desh) — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 23:11:47 PST

You see the sexy photo on the sidebar and you think thats me despite the fact that you all know I am an anonymous blogger. If you are one of them, boy you are in for a big disappointment if you ever meet me in person or see my photo. Well, for the record, that's not me. This is a photograph of actor Justin Zachary by photographer Andrea Vecchiato. Well, it was not my intention to mislead you to thinking that it was me. Most of you know I have always used photographs of other people earlier and in fact many of you have appreciated my choice of photos in my banner. One difference though from the earlier ones is that instead of using it in a banner area I used it in the 'about' area. I simply did it because after shifting to the new blogger from the classic ones and after choosing the new template I don't know how to add banner photo, big photo at the biginning of the blog, so until I figure out how to do that I just decided to put it in my side bar, which, unfortunately, happens to be the 'about' area. And that is how I drew the ire of the photographer himself. I have requested him to kindly allow me to continue using the photo, of course, giving due credit to him. I am hoping he will allow it.

About my vanishing act recently, I assure you I am not gone! Not yet. I am just in the middle of a family problem (huge one but nothing to do with me being gay) which hopefully will end well, soon. By the way, I am right now in Delhi and will be here for some days.

No photos on this post because I am blogging from a cyber cafe in Delhi.

He Wanted Sex

imphaldiary@gmail.com (Manav Desh) — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 08:46:38 PST

He is an average looking man in his late thirties. I am not sure where I met him first because there have been many many times I bumped into him- at the café, at the market, at the hospital, at the district commissioner’s office and where not. Each time he would quickly touch my hand and say- let’s go book a room and have sex. Many times he even said- I’ll rim you, blow you, and do many things, come on lets go. It was a very courageous thing to do, considering he didn’t even know if I was gay or not. He never even bothered to ask me if I am interested. He vanishes for many months at a stretch and then he suddenly appears everywhere I go in town and repeat the same thing.

I had managed to decline his generous offer with a polite smile at first, for then I was nascent in gay sexual matters; more about fantasizing about men than actually sleeping with them. I even thought he was making fun of my sexual interest in men which somehow he came to know of; maybe he caught me watching some guy’s butt. Later on, after many encounters in about three years, I realized he was serious about his offers. I still declined but not with an innocent polite smile, for then I wasn’t a nascent gay anymore! I used to reply with a quip or two and one such quip was- Your butts are too small, I want larger butts. To this his reply was: I will get you a guy with larger butts, let’s just go and book a room.

I laughed. He didn’t. I realized he meant it.

There were many a time when I thought I should see what he has to offer. But booking a hotel room for some hours with some guy for sex was just too much for me then. It was against so many things I was instilled with; so many things which I wasn’t sure of but still blindly followed. I was too afraid to break the rules. Later as my life progressed I became sure about my sexuality and realized living a gay life means breaking the rules every day, every minute, every second. On hindsight, he was doing just that; breaking the rules to get sex wherever he could find. But living a gay life, secret or otherwise, doesn’t have to be about cheap sex. So, I still declined his offer.

Once, we bumped into each other at a tea stall and he made his usual offer. Instead I offered him tea which he reluctantly accepted. We got talking and he told me he had a good job and he was well settled. He was a happily married man with two children. “Bina and Moina (name changed), that’s their name.” He told me with twinkle in his eyes. “ Bina is doing very well in her studies and .. and… Moina is a very naughty boy.” This was the first time I saw him smile with eyes that told me he was there with his children even as he sat across me in that small tea stall. We talked for a while more and then got up to get going.

“Where are you going now?” I asked him.

“Home.” He replied.

We bumped into each other many times afterwards, and he reminded me his offer still stands, but the urgency and passion was not there anymore in his offer. May be he has realized the futility of his case; a gay once married to a girl has to give up his gay life. Or maybe he simply realizes I am too dull to be with in an exciting sexual encounter.

Morning Chill

imphaldiary@gmail.com (Manav Desh) — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 06:24:11 PST

January mornings in Imphal is chilly and cruel. If you go for a walk, love-less nippy winds kiss you endlessly till your face and hands began to numb. You walk a little further and you realize the fogs floating around you are not so heavenly or innocent, for they have made you all wet and cold. I had no expectations from that January morning when I went out to pick up groceries for my mom; a two days old request which I kept postponing, afraid to face the unkindness of wintry mornings. But I am a courageous man; armed with layers of clothing and a basket in hand I finally set out to fight the chill and do a service to my mom.

As I walked down the lanes and received the harsh wintry treatment, I thought, maybe this was my mom’s way of punishing me for remaining a bachelor; if you don’t bring a wife you do the morning groceries! Or, maybe this is a punishment one has to endure for not finding a love of his life. Or better still, the ultimate punishment for all those loveless sexual exploits I have committed in the past. One way or the other, I felt I deserve the cold conduct of the morning.

Soon, I was going through the list my mother gave me and in no time my basket was filling up. The vendors shouted the names of whatever they were selling to attract my attention. The tomatoes look inviting and I bent down to choose the plump ones. When I looked up, two beautiful eyes were fixed on me, not even bothering to look away when I looked back at them. He was standing in front of some other vendor selling some other vegetables. Maybe he was also a guy being punished by his mom for some reason. Whatever the case I was glad he was there, a mirage in a frozen desert. Above those eyes, his hair was reddish dyed and nicely gelled. Normally I hate red dyed hair but it looked good on him. On his chin were thinly scattered boyish soft beard almost invisible from afar. He wore loose pants and a tight unbuttoned jacket. Very less clothes for such a morning, but I wasn’t complaining. A silver necklace around his neck dangle on his T and a red bandanna bound on his wrist, it looked as though he will break into a hip-hop dance any minute.

I diverted my attention on the cauliflowers and then he was gone when I looked up, but only to find him standing beside me. He gave a glance and a flicker of a smile which quickly went away as soon as it came for I wasn’t smiling at all. He bent down to choose vegetables and his low waist pants went further down revealing much more than his waistline, maybe a deliberate act. Then I made my other purchases and he made his in the chaotic market, but I knew he was looking at me and he knew I was looking at him. It was now time to return for there was nothing else to buy. I had a last look at him and gave him a longer glance. He responded with an even longer glance as if reading my mind, that we are never going to see each other again being the strange connection we had. I turned toward home and somehow I feel warm in my heart despite the cold morning chill.

Connect

imphaldiary@gmail.com (Manav Desh) — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 22:10:14 PST

I see that some of you are 'following this blog' and 'Joined this blog' (see site bars) Well, the above picture discribes how I feel about it :) Thank you.

Both of them also give me a chance to know a bit about you, so please utilize them.

Those Failed Garbage

imphaldiary@gmail.com (Manav Desh) — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 03:03:56 PST

Another New Year, a new beginning for so many things, when we conveniently chuck away our failed resolutions of the past years and shamelessly make new resolutions! Just the other day, on the 31st of December, I was remorseful about things I have failed to do in the past 12 months. Amazingly, the next day the magic of New Year took over and I was beaming with hope, all my remorse of endeavors unfulfilled discarded like lovingly cooked half eaten food garbage. Interesting analogy, one might say. But the analogy ends there because there is somebody to pick up my garbage, making them miraculously vanish from my sight, my life forever, unlike my failed endeavors which stubbornly remain somewhere inside me to give me that nauseating stench, pain occasionally.

One such endeavor last year was AK who was fast becoming a fading memory as the new year came, more so because he happened in the beginning of last year. We had no contact for the last six/seven months. There were no final goodbyes or explanations, we just drifted apart. Last time I heard about him, he went out of town for work. I, in the meantime, made interesting new contacts which promise many rewards. All these practically mean AK was a fit case of my past to be abandoned. But, not quite.

It was the funeral (cremation ceremony) of the son of one of our business associates who died in a road accident. I went to pay my last respect. I barely knew the boy but, as soon as I saw the wailing parents who didn’t even blink looking at their son, knowing that it was the last time they will ever see him, my heart sank and tears began to blurred my eyes. In a desperate move to fight back my tears I looked around. There were sad faces, and many more sad faces, and then, there he was! It was a face which looked familiar, it was AK’s. I looked at him for a while and there was a flicker of a smile in his mournful face as he looked at me, with the same innocent eyes which fascinated me just a few months ago. Ah! I remembered he was also a relative of my business associate, small world. A sudden rush of finding something lost ran through my body. Immediately I felt guilty towards the death boy and his family. But real sorrows and happiness are as truthful as the lifeless body of the boy, they can be hidden but you can never make them otherwise. Inside my grieving exterior, I felt happy about seeing AK again.

After the ceremony he came towards me. He was the usual shy smiling smiling guy. He was leaner than before but just as handsome. I said a casual ‘hi’. He didn’t reply, instead led out his hand for a handshake. It was unlike him to be so formal, so I looked at his hands for a while, taken aback. He was about to pull his hand back, then I came to my senses and shake his hand with a light pull in the end. The handshake was over but our hands were still together, and I realized he was holding my hands now, not letting go. It was becoming dark and people around didn’t realize that we were holding hands. Suddenly some people came near us, and his soft hands were gone, just like that. He asked me awkward questions trying to make it look like we were having a conversation to the others. Then he went away without even saying goodbye, just like before.

The body was now being burned along with the logs hurriedly gathered by the helpful neighbors. The mother still wailed for her boy calling his name again and again as if expecting him to reply. As oppose to what people think, to die is easy, the difficult thing to endure is to lose a love one without having a chance to say goodbye. I know whatever there was between me and AK was over, but there is always that feeling of something unfinished……..

Get a Life!

imphaldiary@gmail.com (Manav Desh) — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 05:36:40 PST

Here's wishing you all a very fruitful and fulfilling new year. And I have decided to 'get a life' I want this year and I say, you do the same. If the pictures in this post are any suggestions I am going to chill out and have a blast!! Happy New Year.

Another Year, Huh!

imphaldiary@gmail.com (Manav Desh) — Sun, 28 Dec 2008 08:57:16 PST

It's that time of year again when a new year await the old year to go by, just three days away to be precise. As usual it gives me a chance to review the past twelve months before I get really drunk on New Year's Eve.

Let's see the high points first. Two written pieces of mine got printed in 'The San Diego Readers' and it finally inspired me to give my writing a chance. Well, my writing career will most likely turn out to be just a dream, but then I could now be able to say 'at least I tried'. Then, there is this sudden silence in the nagging department from my 'mom and co' asking me to get married. They seem to have finally realized that they can't talk me into marrying and emotional blackmails are not going to work with me. Good for them and good for me. And most importantly my health problem went away this year and I am healthy as I could be.

Also on a positive side, I was introduced to the world of gay dating websites and I am happy to announce that I am now neck-deep in that pool. I had to change the notion I had earlier about those websites that they are just useless sites. I expect myself to get drown very soon in that pool and that will be when I actually meet one of the guys from those dating sides (I am yet to do that).

On the down side, I broke up with AK. There are reasons for that but what's the use digging them up. All I can say is that he was a good kid, and very sexy too hahahha. The first night we had together, which turned out to be his first time ever, will remain with me for long. Then there was this fling with one of my co-workers. The sex was fabulous and he was so ready for a physical relationship. I thought I was too, but in the end I couldn't help but started having feelings for him. But he went away and we just grew apart.

And then I started smoking once again!(actually, no surprises there) I hope there will be someone around who will kick my ass whenever I light a cigarette. I can give you a dozen reasons for trying to choke my lung again; increase workload, the break-ups and many shits, but I know that will be just lame excuses you just won't accept. I am sorry I started smoking again, but I am sorrier because I really don't know when I will quit smoking again. May be I will decide to make the coming year 'a health year' and may be that will make me quit smoking. As they say you never know what the New Year will bring.

Lastly, here is (above) something to pull you out of the winter chill; a photograph by Fabien Lemaire, a French photographer from Paris. The name of the model is Cedrano.

Most Wanted Men

imphaldiary@gmail.com (Manav Desh) — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 08:22:15 PST

This got to be one of the sexiest ad that came out of India. The guys are sexy and their abs are YUMMMMY. It is the latest Kama Sutra Condoms ad.

No Terror in My Country

imphaldiary@gmail.com (Manav Desh) — Sun, 07 Dec 2008 09:37:12 PST

First, my prayers for all those who have died in the Mumbai terror attack.It is really really sad, but I think all sane thinking Indian knew this was coming, except for our ruling class of course. It was not for nothing that India was mentioned along with America, Britain and Isreal in many Osama's video messages. But no! India will never tighten security. The attitude of our ruling class seem to be... So many people die as it is for so many preventable reasons in this country, a few hundreds in the hands of terror simply doesn't matter..... The tragedy in Mumbai is sad, but it can be utilized as the trigger for a safer India. I really hope I'll never have to see such terror again in India.

Moving on, I apologize for my posting lull for the last few months. That's because I am doing many things to help shape my writing skills. Yeah! I am serious about writing, finally. I am lucky enough to find a person who is an English language expert and he is helping me hone my English skills. I was encouraged when he appreciated some of my writings. Also in the direction of writing I have joined a 'Journalism and Mass Communication' class. And finally, come 2009 and I am planning courses on creative writing. All these I am doing despite my regular work and you get the picture how hectic my life has become nowadays. But I am enjoying it and I also know I'll have to find time to write for my blog. That's because my blog is where everything that I now do begins... like my interest for writing.

Happy Diwali

imphaldiary@gmail.com (Manav Desh) — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 08:48:55 PDT

This Diwali I want to smile. May be it is the memory of fireworks and lots of sweets we used to have on Diwali that makes me smile. May be it is the memory of sitting on my father's shoulder as he take me shopping to buy me new clothes. May be it is the memory of delightfully lining up candles on the porch with my sisters and brother, our own eyes brighter than the lid candles. May be it is the memory of the aroma coming out of my mother's kitchen as she prepared a feast for the occasion. But then those memories were always there and I always smiled on every Diwali. The smile that I have on my face today seems like one of those many happy smiles, but no, it is not the same smile. This smile sprang out of deep within me. This is a smile not associated with any memories, anybody. This is a smile just for me. Yeah, this is a smile that tells myself that it is okay to be gay. HAPPY DIWALI!!

Three Cheers to Three Years of Blogging!!

imphaldiary@gmail.com (Manav Desh) — Sat, 25 Oct 2008 19:35:51 PDT

Yeah!!!!!!!, It has been wonderful three years of blogging. Like every year I changed the look of my blog on this occasion and this year is no different. Well, I like wearing jeans and this year's look reflect that part of me. Anyway, I am not the sad pathetic guy before I started blogging anymore. Though, still closeted gay I am a happy guy who now have a reasonable gay life and lots of big dreams. So, this new look is a reflection of all that.

Also on this occasion I present to you some posts which seem to be popular among readers.

1 The Hungover

2 Games We Play

3 Like This is Life

4 Morning Devil

5 My Virgin Lover

6 Wedding Wishes to a Friend

Alive And Kicking

imphaldiary@gmail.com (Manav Desh) — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 07:25:18 PDT

Since celebrating my birthday on 8th september my life has been a roller coaster ride; personal, professional, everything. Personally, it was some sort of getting to know more about many of the readers through online chat, emails and phone calls. It was great getting to know you all. I feel so lucky that I have you all as friends now. I mean it was great to know you through your commants and all in this blog, but it was totally different to actually chat or talk on the phone one-on-one. It really cemented our fiendship, take our friendship to another level, if I may say that. I now know wherever I go I will have a friend nearby. It means a lot to me. so, thanks. (If any of you want to chat with me you can IM me at manav.desh@yahoo.in)

Talking of another kinna friendship, the relationship kind, I came in contact with some very interesting guys during the three-four months. They are all great guys and I'll be lucky to end up having a serious relationship with one of them. I guess I will have to just wait for my lucky stars to shine on me.

Professionally, (surprise! surprise!) I am making stides, BIG ONES at that. Everybody seem interested in doing business with me (touchwood) and I feel great about that. The only downside being that with all these happenings in my life I hardly have time to get down and blog. I hope you will all forgive me for not blogging for such a long time.

About the picture above, I was surfing blogs after a long time and I find the picture above really sexy and hot.

Heaven met Earth

imphaldiary@gmail.com (Manav Desh) — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 09:57:12 PDT

It was suppose to be a long boring family reunion at my sister's place. Please don't mistake me for I love my family more then anything else; it is just that I hate the so called rituals to show my love to my family. It has always been the same over the years; my sisters exchanging notes on their latest jewelry purchases, their husbands upping the ante in the race to be the best son-in-law, and their children braying for my blood, each determined to have a piece of their only uncle. It isn’t that I don’t love my nieces and nephews; it is just that I love my solitariness more then anything else, and secretly, I don’t liked being called uncle by so many children because each time they call me I am reminded of my advancing age, lol.

So began the journey toward my sister’s place just outside Imphal with cars full bright excited eyes including mine. This was my second visit to her place since she moved in some weeks ago, but the first visit was just that, a visit and nothing else. This time as I neared her house I felt the magic of the place. As the meandering, ascending road led us toward my sister’s house the misty blue hills from afar turns into various shades of green, like a slow motion magician’s performance in progress. We could actually see white pieces of heaven kissing the ever so eager hill tops; a brazen love making act suitable for all to watch and appreciate, from my two and half year old nephew to my seventy year old father. The spray of tiny droplets of drizzle was the perfect welcome for us dusty city folks.

As the day progressed I never expected any meaningful topic to come up in all the chatter-chatters. But somehow one conversation led my host sister to say… No parents should expect anything from their children. Of course, children should always be prepared to be there when their parents need them. And parents should find satisfaction in that and should expect nothing more. I am so glad my sister said that and I am even gladder that my mom fully agreed with her. I will now feel a lot less guilty if I never get married or if I decide to live a gay couple life.

As we drive back through the same meandering road, the food that we ate was having an effect on all of us, and I saw sleepy faces all around me. They are faces I have seen a zillion times, and yet I never get bored looking at them. They are faces that make me who I am; I am their son, their brother, their brother-in-law, and their uncle. I love them all. It was a moment where I can easily get carried away and say that I will give up anything, even my gay life, to make them happy. But the question is: do they really want me to give up anything in my life to make them happy?

For Granny, but.....

imphaldiary@gmail.com (Manav Desh) — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 05:41:15 PDT

I had in the past shared with you emails, which I felt needed to be shared, that I receive from readers/friends. Nishant from Mumbai has been such a friend and reader who always shared with me his struggle of being closeted gay. Following is the reproduction, with his permission of course, of his recent email in which he told me about the latest twist in his life. It tells us why marrying a girl is not the easy option, as many might think, to get out of our closet mess.... it can only lead to an even grater mess.
Well, First of all I was always there on your blog and never missed a single post. Glad to know that you are alright. I hope all your friends and family members are doing fine.
Now, about me disappearing for so long, there’s a story behind that.

Last few months, or rather, more then seven months ago, I was going through a very challenging or I should say the most painfully depressing moment of my life, my granny was seriously unwell. Our family doctors said that she could not survive more then 48hrs. She is a heart patient. I have a very small family. Me, Mom my Granny and my puppy Labrador Bitch. My Dad had passed away about 3yr back due to kidney failure. It was a very big loss for us, so since we all are attached to each other very much. Getting back to seven months back, my Granny was suffering from heart failure and she was on her lungs only. So doctors said that she could only survive only till her lungs are functioning. But miraculously doctors found out it was not her heart that was not functioning properly, it was her lungs. Lucky within those last 48hrs our family doctor decided to take an x-ray and found out that her left lung was filled with water. Then they removed the water from her lungs and within 3/4hrs my granny was fit as she was before. Now the tension part was that doctors said they have to send the water removed from the lungs to the pathological-lab for testing purpose. Doctors said it could be malaria, flue, or might also is cancer. Everyone was happy that she was fine but when reports arrived we found that she is suffering from last stage cancer. All the happiness was evaporated cause last stage cancer is non curable. Doctors said she could only survive for 2/3 months. We decided not to tell her about cancer. The last stage is very painful.

One day I was just chatting with my granny and she asked me whether she could ever see my bride. And I guess you understood the situation. I was in intense pressure, at one side there was my granny who has always loved me so much and its time for me to do something for her and at the other end "I am gay". I didn't think for a single moment and said mom that I am ready for marriage and she can start looking for a right girl for me. I decided that I'll stop all the web surfing that included the gay bloging or anything that would make me think or remind me I am gay. I didn't wanted to be selfish person who is married to a women and seeking men in the dark. I am sorry for not posting comments, or, at least for not showing my concern in your bad times in the past few months.

So now as my mom was looking for a right girl for me. I always thought I am marrying for my mom and granny so I wanted a girl who is more of a housewife. And in the second week I got engaged with a sweet girl. She was a very simple Gujarati girl who puts a bindi on her forehead. She was very soft spoken and cute. I thought I could get along with her. Being a gay we are always blessed with tenderness in our nature. So I was always very caring and calm when ever I was with her. I wanted her to feel very comfortable; she was from a very low profile family located at the outskirts of Mumbai. And my family is very well known in our community; my Grandfather and my dad were always known for their kindness and had a good name. I am always into high life. Whether I am at restaurants or hanging out with friends or at shopping expensive things. So I never wanted her to feel that I am showing off and have an ego for my wealth. I hate it. I am a very down to earth man. But I always notice bit rudeness in my fiancés behavior. She never saw any care or concerns towards me. I thought it might be because she is new to the family so that's why she must be feeling awkward to show care.
But as time went by, her rudeness was starting to annoy me. I, mom and my fiancé had gone to my native place in kutch for some religious function. The whole journey she never left any chance to bully me to irritate me. Even my mom noticed the same but she kept quite because there were few more relatives with us. Now I was like-- what the fuck man. First of all I am trying so hard to like her and trying so much to make her feel good. There is always an extra effort from me and she was behaving like a bitch. Seriously, she was behaving very badly not just with me but she also insulted my best friend (the one I used to love so much but he is pure straight. But now he is just my best of the Best friend). So that was it. Even my mom didn't like it. My mom also cares about my best friend as he is like her younger brother. We decided to call the relationship with the girl off (there are more reasons for the breakup. I will tell them later). But now my fiancé didn't want to breakup. Now all of a sudden she was totally changed and she was like I am so sorry and all...

I understood, she wanted to marry my wealth and she thought I am a sissy and she can control me easily. She underestimated me. And then you know the "samaj" and bullshit. In our Kutchi Gujarati Samaj we have to place a meeting where we could discuss and announce that the engagement is off. So since then I am stuck with all these tensions.

I feel like a joker you know. Saala zindagi main (In my life) for the first time I was in a meaningful relationship, which was meaningless, and you saw the end. I think I am more then happy for that, you must be wondering what happened to my granny? Well she is a fighter. I can’t say she is fine but she is doing OK. She has lost all her memory and can hardly recognize anyone. It’s her bonus life that she is spending with us. My mom said she is always going to support me in any of my decisions. Let’s hope if I could open up to my mom some day...

Your posts always inspire me to write to you. I could have never shared this space of my life if you would have not started your blog.

P.S. Nishant, I thank you for sharing a part of your life with us.

Happy Independence Day

imphaldiary@gmail.com (Manav Desh) — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 23:59:51 PDT

Here's wishing you a HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY to all the Indians.

How am I spending the day? It's a much needed break from work to me. I woke up, had tea, yawn.. yawn, slept again, had lunch, and set down to blog. I'll now watch some Olympic.

Battle of the Slogans

imphaldiary@gmail.com (Manav Desh) — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 13:03:55 PDT

Never Say Die-- seems to be the slogan my mom and sisters have wholeheartedly endorsed these days, well, as far as marrying me off is concern. My eldest sister called me at odd hour saying she just felt like speaking to me. That's news! When we were face to face the other day she didn't have anything to say to me. I soon realize what she actually wanted to talk about; the perfect girl she had found for me, whom she met this morning and who is the cousin of her best friend's husband. My second elder sister begged me to pick her up from work. Reason—unspecified but seemed pretty serious. As soon as I reach her workplace I was introduced to one of her younger co-workers and I instantly realize what my sister was up to. Her co-worker was cute, she was educated, she blushed when she shook my hand, but what is she ever going to do with me!

My mom is not so direct but she has her subtle way of saying things: I am getting older; I don't like being at home alone, so on and so forth. Then she asked every visiting friend of mine if there was anybody I was seeing. She literally asked them to introduce me to girls. This makes me the laughing stock of my friends. They jokingly say that my 'ding/dong/whatever' won’t stand up when I am with girls and that's why I don’t want to marry. Bull's Eye! But of course, they just didn't have any idea how true they are. "Don't worry, ours is here to help if yours is not working," seem to be the slogan my friends have adopted to slaughter my manhood. As a precaution I now keep them as far away as I could from my mom; straight friends and an eager-to-marry-her-son mom, a mixture deathlier then a hydrogen-bomb for a closeted gay like me.

Among all these intimidating slogans you might think I might have perished. Uh-uh! In fact, I have my own slogan, secret ones of course, to match theirs—--Submitting Profiles to Internet Gay Dating Sites Spree. An online friend asked me during a chat what I wanted in my future gay life. I told him that the idea is to settle down somewhere, hopefully a gay friendly place, with someone I feel like spending my entire life with. His response was simply; submit your profile right now to gay dating sites. I told him I wasn't looking for hookups, and he told me, very rightly, that there are people looking for a person just like me. I was skeptical but anyway followed his advice.

Boy, am I not glad I have followed his advice. I have met some interesting guys in the first few weeks itself. I am in knowing-each-other-mode with each of them. Of course, I will write about developments as things shaped up in that front.

As for Jake, he is home preparing for his forthcoming college exams. At least that's what he told me. But usually there are no main college exams this time of year. May be he wants to prepare in advance for his exams, or, he just wants to be away from me? I don’t know and I didn't ask. His slogan seems to be— Far is Good. Now that I have decided to have nothing to do with him and apparently he also wants the same, a little distance is just what the doctor ordered for us.

Mom slogan, Sis slogan, straight slogan, gay slogan, secret slogan... The battle of the slogans is on!

Busy at Work

imphaldiary@gmail.com (Manav Desh) — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 06:28:22 PDT

He looks at me, and our eyes lock for a millisecond; a moment when all the heavenly planets arrange themselves in perfect alignment to make two awkward people think the same thing-- "what next?" The end that was suppose to be seems like just the beginning of my desires for Jake!

He has been trying, a little too hard perhaps, to be around me since the unfortunate event of our last love making session. And I have been trying to avoid him, a little too harshly perhaps, ever since. He comes to my desk with papers in hand, and I try not to look at him for as long as I could. But eventually I have to look at him as we discuss business. And then, there goes my eyes, expertly landing on his G-spots. Words seem to tumble out of his mouth in slow motion as his lips touch and then separate again and again, sometimes pausing to make his lips wet with his tongue, which make them even more inviting. His eyelash flash upward at times to catch me off guard, and I can feel an invisible naughty smile on his, remarkably, grim looking face. Further down, I can still trace the trek his sweet sweat took on his neck when he attained the feat of kissing me all the while when he was making love with me. I had no complains then, I'll have no complains if he tries that feat again. He left the upper most button of his shirt unbuttoned. The two protruding shiny chest hair seem like two outstretch arms ready to hug me.

The business discussion is over! He leaves the room with a promise to come back with some other reports. May be I’ll start from his toes next time. Well, I still deny that I want to have anything to do with Jake. Shhhhhhh! I am very busy at work

Money Factor

imphaldiary@gmail.com (Manav Desh) — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 12:11:50 PDT

I love the way he close his eyes while his tongue played with my nipples, not to mention the tightening grip of his hands on my butts. I have always been the more aggressive one than many of my past lovers (one reason may be because most Indians are usually shy lovers). With Jake, I am the silent lamb and he is the wild beast, he is the hunter and I am the hunted. That’s a refreshing change and it seems to be the driving factor for my insatiable desire for him. But good things do end…… unfortunately.

I was buttoning up my shirt when his lips approach mine to give me that goodbye kiss which has once again become a norm whenever we make love. It was his trademark passionate kiss, the ones that said I haven’t had enough of you yet. I responded in kind. The whole process of our love making repeated like a record being played again immediately after it ended by an avid listener. But it couldn’t reach the haunting end it just had, because Jake suddenly said— Can you give me some money? I want to buy something. I was sure he was going to say he needed the money to buy some books for the part-time college he is doing. Still I asked him—Why? With a naughty smile he said—I want to buy a camera phone—I can’t help but caught his brazen eye eyeing my N70 lying on the desk.

Many a time I always thought of asking him if he needed money. He was the sole bread earner in his house and he was doing college part time; the boy needed money. But, despite his young age, I always thought he was a man of integrity, a guy who might be poor but won’t ask for handouts. I was afraid I might hurt his feelings if I give him money just because we were having sex. I was actually waiting for the right moment, something like a festival, to give him some money. As it turned out, all my fears were baseless as he gave me more sex to buy a fancy phone. I gave him the money. He kept smiling all the time and wanted to continue our money interrupted love making. I said—No, some other time. He was still smiling as he went out of my room. The poor fellow hasn’t had a clue that he has lost me forever in exchange of the money he took.

I'm Fine

imphaldiary@gmail.com (Manav Desh) — Sun, 27 Jul 2008 07:24:44 PDT

Thank you for your concern about my well being after the 17 bomb blasts that rocked Ahmedabad, a city in western India. I am very far away from there, but thanks anyway.

About the blast though, it is very sad and I can never fathomed the reasoning behind such attack killing innocent civilians. Obviously, it was the work of those who want to flare up the Hindu-Muslim hatred of Gujarat again. I, as a concern citizen of this country would never want a repeat of the Gujarat riot. My heart goes out to that eight year old boy (from TV news) who was seriously injured when the blast hit him while he was playing with his bike. My prayers and condolences to those who have died and injured.

On a lighter note, I found the following picture while surfing under the heading 'How to recognized a gay terrorist'. Wonder if he might be the mastermind of the Ahmedabad blasts.