"Because I Said So........"

Owl Let You Know: Don't Wake Daddy!

2012-11-11T20:18:00.001-06:00

Owl Let You Know: Don't Wake Daddy!: Decided to pay a visit to the owls again today. After searching around for them I finally found the male in a different tree than usual. ...

Home Sweet McHenry

2012-06-05T23:02:00.001-05:00

Tonight Bob and I went and mowed the lawns at my Mom's building and house in town and as I was taking a break while Bob was working....I was just sitting there looking around. My mom's building is right across from Walgreen's so it is a busy intersection and some good people watching. Well I was sitting there and saw a group of young girls walking down the road and for whatever reason it hit me hard that not too long ago that was me walking down 120. Time flies so fast. I remember always hearing this as we grew up and it meant nothing to us, we did not care or even understand that statement at all about time. I know that I am loving my age and where I am but sometimes I really do miss being young and having no worries at all. It is so fun watching all the kids enjoying childhood and growing and learning.

I love having the girl’s friends over and everyone being silly and just enjoying what they have.

In 3 years all three of my babies will be off starting their own paths and although it brings tears to my eyes, I am excited to start living that childhood again; I will just be a bit older this time...

I do not know about you but having the responsibility of parenting on a 24/7 basis is far more stressful then anything you come across. I am always consumed with some sort of stress being a parent. I want to be doing the right thing, I want to make sure they are doing the right thing; I’m always trying to teach lessons…short and long term. I work on work ethics, finances, etc. and so I am always thinking about my actions as a mom. I suppose that is good for the most part, but it takes away from the joy of life sometimes. I cannot wait for the day to know that I can go through the day knowing that I don't HAVE to do keep a constant Hawk eye on all of them. Of course a parents job is never done and I will go to my grave being a mother hen, but the stress level will be in relax mode. Those will be the days to sit back and watch what they do with the parenting skills you passed on.

I have added a marketing role to my position at work and that has me on a social media piece much more than the norm. I have been reading the statuses, comments, complaints and whatever else we see among our friends/like list. It is so interesting to me, to see where and who the people we grew up with have grown into. I would have to say that we had a nice little community that we grew up in. Many of us are still here, many of us are gone and many of us come back to visit. I feel though, no matter where you are, Home is Home and has a comforting feeling. I, myself cannot wait to venture out of here and take trips to explore. With that being said, I have to say I am proud of where I grew up and the people that I grew up with. You can make the best of anywhere you are, it is not just about the physical place you are in, it is all about the mental place you are in that is key in life. I am lucky enough to also have a soul mate/best friend that enhances that to the fullest and it just makes life even more rewarding. Opening your mind to what is around you is the most success you can have.

I love to see the happiness around me and I can only hope that everyone in my life and surroundings are living their life to the fullest and being true to whom and where they are, it is the only way to live!!!

LIVE FREE!

Sheryl

Realizations

2012-06-04T23:35:00.003-05:00

I was just getting ready to climb into my cozy bed when i decided to post a short blog about realizations since this is such a big part of my past year and has been the best life lesson I have had yet. I see daily the ins and outs of peoples behaviors and how one can continue on with a certain good or bad trait and not realize how this can effect other people. I have posted prior to the word accountability and most people cannot understand this because they are caught up in it to such a high degree that they cannot even grasp the concept. In my past, my heart has always got in my way of respect from others because I let myself be weak and at the same time aggressive to my point and maybe sometimes to aggressive. I am still understanding that one a bit but I feel it has some truth to it now that I have pondered on it.

I talked to a friend tonight as well that stuck to her heart and moved forward with all strength and got some satisfaction finally, Although it was not a satisfaction that one would want to have but nonetheless, it was a success. I will not mention names but Im very proud of her and I hope that a lesson was taught and put to heart with full mode. She deserves the strength and confidence that she deserves from this!!! It goes to show you that you can succeed when you put your heart and soul into something. Her realizations tonight were ones she already knew but I know she found some more as well from this happening.

I do not want to tell people how to act or live their life, but I will say that taking the time to see what you are living and how you are acting and how it effects others is so worth that effort. It pays off to realize some things that you did not know were there, it just may very well change your life as it has mine several times now. Change is great and keeps your growth blossoming within you. I am finding myself understanding more then I have ever imagined and the feeling is good although it comes with pain as well. The difference is now I get the pain, understand it and it makes it easier to let it go and move forward.

Have a great night

Looking all around yourself and Smile :)

2012-05-09T09:10:00.001-05:00

I’m so happy I almost feel guilty in a way. I have been dissecting my life and all that surrounds it or that is in it or once was I should say. It is so easy to say you are in love or that you, life or things are good. Those are words....are you really saying those from your inner self or do you just say them to speak the words? I can admit NOW that I did so much of that, probably for reasons that are understandable and maybe some for just the opposite. Nonetheless, I have come to the path in life that I see so much that has been happening for decades that needed to change, needed to be understood and acted upon in whichever way was the healthiest for ME and my loved ones.

There are so many directions that you can veer off on in every life happening, whether you choose the right or wrong one is the question. I firmly believe that there is no right path; I believe that you can be on the wrong path and actually learn more than a path that was near perfect, if you will. As long as you recognize the ugliness on one of the paths crossings and you get off and take what you learned and then create a new path. This should be in my opinion, an ongoing factor in your life. Growth should be never ending at all cost; you cannot put a stop on learning, listening, believing, etc.. If you do, you will go stale and you will be robbing yourself of living your life.

I recently have come to the realization that I am a bit too giving in the parenting side of life as well, Although I have three amazing girls that I put first and foremost their entire lives and I can literally say that I have lived my life for them and which I am proud of and do not regret one bit...BUT...I now realize that I could say NO and disagree and not fully support all their choices, action, behaviors. That kind of sounds like any one of them could have made a bad choice that I supported and that is just not the case, what I am saying is that...I think I could have pushed a bit harder and it is never too late and so I am eagerly pushing the envelope a bit more right now. I always had a barrier wall of fear that I gave into more times than needed. There are definitely reasons for that, or at least I know where the "give in" came from. I think for the most part I am a very good mom, but I had my head into making our scenario work and be prosperous by going to get my degree and working my ass off, that I sometimes was just easy to sway. Nothing dramatic, just life in general. One thing I never lacked in though was communication and that is what I think saved us for sure! Although my girls would disagree with this statement, but there is never too much communication. I don’t know if you can over communicate; if you can....I most certainly fall into that! I am trying to focus on that as well.

If there was one thing I could offer as my best advice piece, it would be: Stop whatever scenario you have presently happening in your life and look at it from all angles. This does not mean just the pros and cons, as this is how many of us make life decisions, you have to dig deeper. Example being: branch off your pros and cons with questions to yourself on the present, future, how it benefits you and your loved ones. Always understand what you are debating within your own self, seek another direction even if it is against your beliefs. You need to feel other avenues in life. If you don’t feel them, you cannot make a safe decision. This does not mean you have to act on anything, I am simply stating the fact to expand your boundaries and venture into unknown territory to just have that uneasy feeling, this will show your final decision is solid.

One very big lesson that I have learned is too not judge any one person ONLY until you have involved yourself in their persona on a personal level. Only when you do this can you make a fair call. People are complex and so you cannot look at a person for face value, well this is my opinion anyways. I will say though that I feel it is 100% correct, the saying, "Until you walk in my shoes, don't judge or speak" is so true. It actually sickens me to some degree when I see people open their face and throw up words and comments upon someone or something when they do not have one foot remotely near the situation to speak. What makes me even sicker is when they do this and they have more issues themselves that need deep resolve. SO, keep your lips zipped when you don't know what you are talking about and focus on yourself instead of others because I can guarantee, we all have our own faults we should be putting our energies into instead of hiding behind someone else's issues just so you can pretend yours are not there. Which brings me to my next important finding?

Accountability - This is a word everybody should know and practice at all times. I have never respected it as much as I do now. It goes a long way when you take this on in your daily routine. This goes hand in hand with stopping and smelling the roses daily as well and focusing on your actions and how they play out in your life happenings. I am a defensive person; I will defend the loved ones in my life to the core. That is just the extreme loyal side of me, I will say, I am proud of this but at the same time, I needed to understand that I am not only defending but I am enabling as well with that to a point. I have noticed that this can be harmful, even though it seems like a good gesture to practice. Again, I absolutely know WHY I do this and that helps in the process of taking a few steps back and not be so fast to defend but to listen and just maybe see something I did not see before prior to defending. In my own family, I see so much of this going on and so much that went on since my childhood into my adulthood, so much that it has actually shocked me now that I see it. It brings to the surface, so much unturned ground that I have had brewing in my soul. When you cannot see who and what you are yourself, how can you EVER see someone else? That goes for all your inner circle relationships, you have to at least be open to your own self to be able to let others in. Until you can admit to fault (because we all have them and always will) you don't get to harbor on others. With that being said, I have been putting this to practice as well. This is a very important piece to hold on to and adhere to as well. The sad part is , that in my family....I see this as a change that will never happen with some because of such self-absorption and ego's in the way, that is a whole other can of worms and I do not have the energies to touch on that way presently :). That is why I have chosen a path to walk the other way for the time being. I have found that doing this; I have for once in my life, been able to focus clearly without the bully behavior and the ridiculing practices that I have been burdened with my entire life. I feel free and although I am so happy about it, it saddens me that I went so long feeling this way when it was so easy to get away from. It was a great lesson, one that has ultimately changed me in several ways; I feel I am a better person by far because of it. I do hope one day that this changes to a certain extent, but I can guarantee it will not change until other change has been set in stone. That is a promise! The inner strength I have gained from this is so extreme. Just remember to respect yourself and think about your decisions and actions, they could possibly not be the best move for you or anyone involved. Also remember that sometimes, ill actions can be permanent and this could be detrimental to your being and or life. Your actions to one could go beyond that person and affect others to a deeper degree, keep that in your noggin to brew!

So off the psych roller coaster and onto the health aspect of my life. I ran around the block and rode my bike, worked out a bit and was so proud, so proud, I actually felt skinnier instantly...lol. The point is, I have not had the time to do it again, ok...I chose not to when I probably could have for sure...I need someone to push my ass to get my OCD kicking in for health reasons. I will say though, that my eating habits are on the OCD path pretty much, so that is a plus! It is hard for me for some odd reason! HELP!!Everyday my awesome little brother and sister in law works out right next door to my workplace and everyday he screams, "are you coming to work out today". One day I am going to shock their cute little selves and just do it! They would absolutely love it!!! We will see! If my man wasn't working his butt off and working long ass hard manual hours, he would be pushing me! We are just simply exhausted every night but I am sure if we worked out in our workout area at home that we set up so nicely, we would have more energy...easier said than done. He at least is working out all day working; I am sitting on my butt most of the day!!! This is something as well that I would like to instill on my beautiful daughters. Health should be given more attention to for obvious reasons. I think it is finally on an upward path, but needs much for attention to detail from all, including me! Brianna is coming home tomorrow and she has been working out left and right and eating. I am hoping she will bring some much needed energy home as well; it is always easier when you have someone doing it with you.

Long blog today, but I have so much internal energy. Now that I have worked my butt off organizing and covering at work, things should be settling down on the home front after about a year of high stress! More clarity should be around the corner and I can focus more on US as a whole.

To conclude, I have never been as happy as I am right now. Happy, Healthy Children that amaze me daily and a man that walked back into my life on a different level that brought me more than I could ever imagine, I didn't know I could be in such a good place in mind, body and spirit. I have never felt this much satisfaction in my existence. WOO HOO.

Also, one last thing. A very important part of my life as many of you know is our organization Walla-pa-looza. Please seek more information on ... http://walla-pa-looza.org/. It is an amazing group helping our community. Our big yearly event is coming up right around the corner and we need volunteers and most important:::: we need sponsors and raffle prizes. Please find in your heart to help out if you can and please come join us for a great ROCKING day! Our Walla family has all been so busy with new jobs, kids and life in general that I miss them all and look forward to our event planning and spending lots of time together again...

ROCK ON

Sheryl

Happy Trails ;)

2012-04-05T23:06:00.001-05:00

Now that I have written so many blogs about my ailments in life and complaints, I have decided to stop all that and now that I have seen life in a different light, I need to start focusing more on moving forward with fun and adventure blog.. I feel I have lost touch with lots of people because I have been consumed with constant disappointments time after time in my life.

I am proud to say that after many battles and lots and lots and lots of hard work. I am at a comfortable zone in my life for once. I honestly will say , I have never felt this comfortable and alive. I am working on myself now, trying to learn to relax and realize I do not have to be on the defense in several aspects of my life anymore and to just live for the day. It is so easy, yet sometimes so hard. I struggled for so long and I finally am reaping the benefits, of course I will not stop climbing, but I have my head out of the water finally. WOO HOO!!

It sounds silly but I read on Facebook, Twitter, any social media and read friends, family, coworkers, etc and see all the fun everyone is having and doing and I always question, how does everyone have time and stamina to always do things. I feel I am always flying all over the place and yet I never get anything accomplished in my eyes anyways. Well, I am learning that this is not the case and that I need to stop sometimes and enjoy and remember that everything will still be there after I enjoy some much needed time. I think it is so easy for our generation to live this lifestyle, but I think that is why we have such a higher level of stress as well. Time goes to fast to have to worry that the pillows on the couch are not perfect or that a door is not closed right or a carpet in the bathroom is not perfectly lined up on the floor, etc, etc. This is my everyday events and I think it has consumed me.

One thing I have always cherished is nature and although i get out in it very much, I do not get out in it as much as I would love to. My amazing man that has experienced so much has started introducing me to new adventures. I have always canoed in our own private lake, but in circles and on calm water, now that Bob has me out canoeing, I am in love with it! I want to kayak and start hiking. We need to get in shape big TIME! I am not a working out kind of girl as much as I would love to be, but i have amazing energy and should be using it as somehow constructive to my own body for sure, so that is my plan. My problem is that my plan never seems to come alive...lol. I am so famous for saying, "Im getting up in the morning to go and walk" or "when I get home, Im going right into our workout area and getting it done, but....something always comes up and I find an excuse no matter what and this is a hard thing to break.

Actualy, right now I am stopping this writing and going to watch a movie with my baby girls. Will be back.

Two days later, I am writing again. I am laying in bed, listening to Robert snore away and just put the girls to bed and talking to my Tracy Sue Elizabeth Ogmonic and she is one special person, cousin or no cousin, I love that I have spent my entire life with her and that we have one another!!

We went to NIU tonight to bring Brianna, Pat and Paige (bri's bestie and roommate) their easter baskets and to take them to dinner and we got to see owls and we found (brianna) found a baby owl right there, it was incredible!! WGN came back on DirectTV today, thank goodness...I hate starting my day without WGN news , they are so fun and happy!!

These new outlook on life is so enlightening, it is not even really a new outlook as much as it is reality that has slapped me in the face, learning who I am is such an adventure in itself. You never know what life brings you and I have gone through some times, but I would not change a thing for what I have today as I sit here. It is truly insane what you see and learn when you stop to really pay attention to what and who you are and what is happening around you for what it is. Sometimes we get so caught up in the everyday chain of events, that we forget to see our own life and that is sad because it is a whole different world, so if you dont take that time, you really need to focus on that right away.

Well it is time to go and snuggle and fall asleep , Friday tomorrow and a nice relaxing weekend with my honey and Yes we are actually going to RELAX!!!

Goodnight
Sheryl

"Because I Said So........": Oh how some need to come to realizations and just ...

2012-02-27T23:01:00.000-06:00

"Because I Said So........": Oh how some need to come to realizations and just ...: So the last year or so , you have all read my comments, thoughts, learnings , pains, growths, etc. I share them for a bit of therapy f...

Oh how some need to come to realizations and just GROW!

2012-02-27T22:59:00.003-06:00

So the last year or so , you have all read my comments, thoughts, learnings , pains, growths, etc. I share them for a bit of therapy for myself, it feels good to release it and because of who I am, I always hope that I just maybe I will touch on someone's inner emotions that maybe need a little shove to come out as well. I am shocked at how many people read this, but still shocked on how people comment only personally mostly. I see that as being scared to admit how one feels and no one should have to feel that way. We are all an individual and through all these lessons I have learned over my lifetime (but the majority this past year) is that no one is better then the next one. If you stop and really, truly pay attention to what is around you and that includes YOUR own self, you will be amazed at what you can see. I recently have noticed seen so many,.many people wrapped up in trying to be something they are not even remotely close to. I am no genius by any means, and I don't always make the right choices but the difference is that I understand that completely and can always take accountability for it as well.

I always taught my girls and my nieces and nephews one lesson that all still remember and that is that you never let anyone get the best of you and you kill with kindness, that approach is always a great pay off because you are not feeding into negative behaviors by letting someone eat you alive with emotion. I repeated this over and over and explained whenever any of them had pain put upon them. I would tell them that the one that has to seek out someone to be their punching bag is one that is the weakest link that there is. This is the absolute only way for these kind of people to grasp on to any sort of self confidence by hurting someone else. The sad thing is that they most likely don't even have the skills to see this or understand who they really are and what their actions to almost all life happenings really means. Is there any reason that one has to put such energy into someone else's world when they are not asked or when they have absolutely no idea what they are imposing on. Absolutely NOT! So, you see, I am now learning to practice this as well at this time in life and so sad to say who it is I have learned this about. Although the pain from this was somewhat incredibly harsh because it is family or so called family...I have grown so much because of it and I wish all could see and feel what I now can feel. It is the answer to so many questions in my life and now it is all so clear.

As we age day by day, we do new things, meet new people and seek out daily goals, weekly goals, life goals and always move forward to where we want to be and in my opinion, we should be adding to all of those daily goals on a constant basis or how can you grow? Growth has become quite an important word in my life and of course not for the word but for the meaning. Do you really know what growth is, do you see it happening in yourself? It truly is a great feeling and I ignored this for so long, not that I did not grow in these past years but now I understand the growth and use it to my advantage for the positive aspects of life and negative as well. I guess what I am ultimately expressing is to start paying attention because if you don't, it could be too late in some areas of life and who wants that?

I absolutely adore having the friends that I have and the majority of my family that thinks in the manner that is not self absorbing and egotistical. Of course I always have to express boldly that I have amazing girls and am so proud of each one of them and the man of my dreams that understands me beyond what I have ever imagined and I cannot even begin to tell you how many lessons he has taught me or how much he has made me realize but has made me the happiest that I have ever been in life.

Sharing my feelings again is a great way to release and I encourage all to just dawdle in giving it a shot, reading your thoughts as well can make you come to some realizations.

Just a tip: Even though pain can sometimes seem that is in the far depths of your core, remember that all life happenings have meaning and lessons and you can only see them if you stop to pay attention with not only you mind but your heart and always remember that you are responsible for your own life and not anyone else's. Never speak or take the someone's else's life into your own hands to do what you feel you have any rights too. Take that for what it means to you and devour it with thoughts.

Thank you all for a birthday that always makes me smile knowing I have so many special people in my life

xoxo

"Because I Said So........": Just some words...........

2012-02-08T00:31:00.000-06:00

"Because I Said So........": Just some words...........: Today was a sad day on the work front, but I have to put it in the back of noggin and move forward. Always so many changes, I am gettin...

Just some words...........

2012-02-08T00:30:00.002-06:00

Today was a sad day on the work front, but I have to put it in the back of noggin and move forward. Always so many changes, I am getting used to the shock and then sucking it up and taking care of business unfortunately! Taking on more work and responsibility again, but will be able to do accomplish from home this time. On the bright side, I have lots of experience to add on to my skills list ;)

Bailey got her license today, it is crazy sitting in the DMV and looking at your once little girl getting into a car to drive herself. I can't help but tear up and have lots of memories going through my head. She is a great driver and I trust in her completely, but still so scary letting them loose on those scary roads. We must accept the fact though that our babies do grow up, but MAN...does it happen so damn fast or what? I could not be any more proud of my girls and who and what they have become and are becoming. It is such a gift to watch this, and not only my girls, but their friends who they have grown with as well. The young are so amazing if you really just stop and watch. I, myself learn so much from them still. Cheyenne is thinking about joining the swim team...she has been blessed with being a "fish" from day one. Being raised on a private lake probably has much to do with that, but seriously as soon as that child could walk, she had no fear of the water and absolutely loved it and she is a natural...very strong swimmer! That is a big commitment, but will be good for her in so many ways! Brianna and I talk so much now and I love it, she is doing absolutely great at NIU, despite the crazy happening that we had 2 weekends ago. Everyone has a crazy roommate story, but we got the "Lifetime" movie roommate. She pulled a knife on Bri and although no one was hurt and police were fast on the scene and took care of it very well...it was so very scary for her, Pat and Other roommate Paige and not to mention Mommy who gets this 3 am phone call. All is ok, the girl was kicked out of NIU of course, but not a fun first year with that. Always craziness happening in our lives huh?

I have so many people in my life right now that are battling unfortunate events and although you always reach your hand out to offer your help, it seems as if you can't ever make things better for anyone. I know that everyone has to make good on their own issues, but I wish I could always do more and make things better for so many. I absolutely hate watching anyone suffer, although suffering does build character and strength to a very high degree if you live it all fully and you are true to yourself. All I can do is be there and make sure they know that I am here for anything no matter what. Knowing you have someone if you need them just might be the only thing that you need anyways right?

2012 is my year as stated before for focusing on organization and slowing down a bit. I have already knocked the crap out of this and I am so proud of myself. I don't know about you, but when I knock one thing out..WATCH OUT because I get so compulsive as I check things off the list. I get more and more into taking care of that whole list after I tackle one item. I have made lots of checks already and I can't believe it, it builds my confidence up and makes me even more productive. Try it once, make a list, post it somewhere and start going! I will add this tidbit as well, since I am a techy girl...my life is run on some sort of electronic device pretty much at all time, with that being said...I have apps for my entire existence pretty much, but one app is absolutely incredible for staying organized and even more so for those of us that live the life of using technology to its fullest for even your personal life. The app is called Springpad, it is so great!! It has already changed my life to say the least...I use it at work, but more so for my personal life has it made things so much easier for me! Check it out; it may be of value for you as well! And it is FREE!

If you read my posts, you would have understood that I have taken the "I’m not taking any more negative behavior, criticism and simply ugly behavior anymore" train! I cannot tell you the satisfaction this has given me. I so wish that I would have had the strength to have done this earlier in my life, but that is ok. I feel empowered. I have found a piece of Sheryl that was in there but I could not release! It feels so good not to feel the need to kiss someone's ass just to keep peace; I am so done with that...family or not, I’M DONE! I have been through some very troubling times and looking back now, I put up with more ill behavior from others on top of the pain I was already going through...who wants to accept that into their lives?? I sure thought I did, but ohhhhhhh how nice it is not to be bothered by it anymore! The sad thing is, is even though I removed myself from the situations, I watch it continually happen..kind of like a sickness and the funny thing is...there is no involvement at all on my end which makes it all the more confident in my decision. Minds need to grow and learn and accountability be taken for actions played out. I am learning that as well but I am far from this level! Until that happens, I will continue as I am...and that is HAPPY!

I have been practicing my guitar and it is a lot harder then I imagined or maybe I am taking on too much too fast...If you know me, I do not like to wait for things...so I jumped a few levels and tried just playing songs I want to play instead of learning the basics, so I am going back and forth a bit on that...I am learning lots though and it is so very relaxing. I am not going to promise this yet, but I have strong intentions to join a gym here soon. I feel that if I pay for something, I will more likely keep on it, but I am not sure on that. I have been changing my eating habits as well to try and eliminate my severe food allergies, so I don’t want to overwhelm myself with drastic change because then I will lose interest too fast. But I need to do it all for sure! I sure wish Mchenry had an enclosed pool that was open to the public, I could swim daily and it is so good for you! We will see how the next couple weeks unfold.

Again, I need to go off to dreamland so that I am rearing to go for a productive work day tomorrow. I hope all is well in your world and if not, MAKE IT HAPPEN!!!

"Because I Said So........": Knocking down the walls.

2012-02-05T01:10:00.000-06:00

"Because I Said So........": Knocking down the walls.: Although I know that I have walls up to protect myself and my girls, I don't think I realized that some of them are so strong that I a...

Knocking down the walls.

2012-02-05T01:00:00.002-06:00

Although I know that I have walls up to protect myself and my girls, I don't think I realized that some of them are so strong that I almost don't have the power to knock them down for my own self. I have had them up for so very long that I am having trouble letting them fall. At first, I was recognizing this and telling myself that "it must not be time to knock this one down or it would knock down itself" My heart told me different and I soon found myself being combative with my own thoughts. As i dug deeper and dissected this, I found that I was completely consumed with hidden pain and fear that I have hid behind this wall for approximately 10 years now. Through my past relationships, I have let this be my guide and I followed my own insights to the fullest and I can say quite confidently that those choices were the right ones for the most part. At this point, I know it is time to knock those all down; it is just an extreme scare to say the least!!

With my recent unexpected rekindling of my once husband's relationship, (on a good friendship level) I very quickly was transformed a bit. Right away there was a lift of heavy burden off my shoulders. I can't express the comfort this brought me. What I can express is that this opened my heart and eyes to the underlying reason for some of my behaviors that I have presently. After much back and forth with this new change and many nights of complete confusion, this was all so very clear to me. I brag always about my strength and although I take much pride in it...I know now that my strength in some areas may have been extreme weakness hiding out. I have a bit of time I am sure until I understand this fully or maybe not understand but am comfortable with all these changes. As I type this even, I still am scared that I need to keep these walls up but I know they have to come down. I do not know if the rekindle released the fear partially or if it was just a timing issue.

This past year, I have learned many lessons as I have expressed over and over. I very rarely make myself promises, but when I do....I can guarantee I stick to my promise! I made the promise that no one is going to control me or make me feel inferior any more...See I have this type of personality that can attract this kind of behavior. I even have lived knowing this and continued to let it happen...BUT NO MORE!! Last year, I put a strict promise on myself that I will no longer let this happen and especially from loved ones. No one person is going to treat me like I am lower than them or that my words, thoughts, feelings or concerns don't deserve to be heard or felt. I have stuck to this and it has changed my life in many ways. It is rewarding and built my confidence level up even higher than it was. The reason I mention this is because this rekindling fell in the midst of this promise and although this is something that I have longed for , for a very long time....I will not buckle to anything that is not a comfort zone , because that would break my promise. I need to put myself, Bob, Brianna, Bailey and Cheyenne first. The rest will fall into place.

Back to the issue at hand about this heavy duty wall. I have let it down and it feels good, not great yet, but very good. I still am combating myself that I need it up but I know it is to be down now. The wall was up to protect my pain; I never wanted to be so hurt again. I did let people in my heart and life because quite honestly I do let everyone in my heart and life because that is just who I am and who I always have been. What the difference is is too let someone into my heart and soul. I can say that I have never in my life been in the place that I am in right now. I can be myself, feel free, feel smart, and feel like I have meaning on this earth. (I could go on and on) I have never felt this, and the sad thing is no one knew that nor really cared I believe. None of that truly matters though anymore because I understand it all and I am not seeking out approval or feeling the need for resolution at all times with ones that do not see things for what they really are, instead only focusing on themselves and self-fulfillment. There is obviously much more involved in all of this and I share that only with the man that has held my hand along this roller coaster path of mine. He has not only walked with me but guided me with the knowledge and wisdom of his own path. He is a HUGE part of my realizations because of the love, support and respect that I have forever looked for and finely HAVE.

Now with all that being said, I have much to work on to better myself. I now see behaviors in myself that need some tending to. They are not terrible, as a matter of fact, they probably are just as good as they are bad but I need to understand them and focus on them to make sure I am using them in the best manner. It amazes me how I keep gaining knowledge on myself daily almost. It has become a hobby in some ways to learn about my own being. I do not feel enough people actually take the time out to pay attention to themselves and understand who and what they are.

I feel a bit empowered over these recent happenings and although life sometimes can be challenging and I have times that I question where and what I am doing, I have the confidence that I can stop and think my way through anything. I slip up quite a bit I will say, but I know that taking accountability will make me seek out resolution in a healthier way for all involved. I am working on that as well :).

So, with 1:00 am approaching, it is now time for me to snuggle up and rest my mind, if that is at all possible. Tomorrow is a new day.

Another New Year but this one is Going to be Greeeeeaaaaaaaaaat!!!

2012-01-05T13:59:00.000-06:00

I would say that 2011 was quite full of unexpected drastic events for me and I am sure for many of you as well. As I have expressed in other posts earlier, I have learned so very much in this year from so many different avenues of my own life. I have used all these lessons as building blocks for myself. As we all are aware, we never stop growing and learning. This is the biggest lesson I have come across quite honestly. I always learn, but I never probably applied it to myself for myself. I have come to the realization that I need to focus on Sheryl far more than I do. The backbone of my personality has to be strengthened by my own confidence and self-assurance, without this...I don't feel I can give to my fullest extent to others. I am a giver, I have always been, I live for always wanting to fix and make things better for all. This is something that has continually broken me in many ways. Up until recently did I recognize that this is not benefiting me as I thought it was? This could be the reason that I am on multiple high blood pressure meds at 40???? So, with much thought and pondering, I reached deep inside my heart and found the difference between the strength to survive and the strength to stand up for your own self. What I mean is that I am a very strong person and always find resolution to survive and make whatever is on my plate work in a positive manner and I don't settle for anything less. What I did realize is that as strong as I may think I am, I was just as weak by always letting certain people walk all over me and always wanting to make peace and most importantly...I always let their words and actions affect my well-being on a constant basis. This is soooooooooooooo harmful. I thought I was just being a "good" person by sitting back and taking it and just crying or being sad instead of being..well.. A bitch and expressing my true pain and feelings. I have to admit that it saddens me that I have to alter my own personality to deal with some people that are in my life. I would never alter it for them, it is an alteration for myself because I am an emotional person and I need to rid of ill behavior and egotistical people that are basically 100% bullies and cannot deal with their own issues, so they portray negativity on the ones that let them and I have always been that person but guess what??? No More of that, I will only give what I am to those that are deserving of it. It feels good to release that constant pull towards always wanting to resolve, I won't say that I don't care anymore because that would be a lie, but I will say that I am quite comfortable that I found that piece of me that can now deal with separating what is worth my energy and what is not and I can now understand that I can pick and choose my battles...I never practiced that to the fullest extent. I battled that is for sure, I am by far not innocent but I will stop the fight in a matter of a second to appease the other person and bring peace. I will also say confidently that I never want to be mean and I never bully anyone and never will and I feel deeply sorry for those that have to and especially at the age some are!!!

On a happier note, although that is happy for me....I am going to focus on me and my family for Health and Well Being this year, ok, for eternity! I have amazing girls and an amazing boyfriend and I cherish each of them to the fullest extent. Included in that is just what I described above..letting go of the events in life that cause the body stress and frustrations. I will only entertain the positive in our lives and really you can turn everything into something positive if you have that gift. I can't describe to you how the alternations to my own self makes me smile and makes me feel like quite the different person in some ways. With the support of my girls and Bob, I have made some great transitions that I am very proud of. I imagine it is some of the major happenings that we went through together that actually pulled us together and that is because we learned from all of it and moved forward instead of holding onto it and going nowhere! The key though is too learn and take it all in for what it is and always go with your mind and heart and decipher what you can and can't deal with and again LEARN...then you can move forward. You cannot settle for something in life just because someone else thinks one way. I see this in so many relationships of all kinds. Actually probably the majority of the people in my life are this way. Be yourself. That is probably one of my favorite things in my relationship is that I get to be who I am and think how I want and discuss it and listen and be able to see things different on my end and equally have him see things different on his end and it is a process more should practice. With a closed mind or a mind that is truly not yours...you will eventually fall or burst!! TRUST ME ON THIS, PLEASE!! Never settle and never keep your mouth shut when you have intuitions and or strong feelings, your own words are 100% worthy to all and if that person does not see it that way...then that person is not worthy of your companionship in that manner or at all in some cases.

I want one thing to stick in your heads and this again is something that many people do not practice. NEVER and I mean NEVER make a judgment on a person of any sort without being involved remotely in that situation. No one ever knows a story unless you are a part of it. Have you ever played Telephone, you know the game when you have a line of people and the first person says something and you whisper it down the line...well just in that small line, has it ever come out of the last person's mouth the same way it started???? NO! So in the real world, why would this be any different? It is not! What the difference is, is that people who don't stop being self-absorbed and pay attention to the matter at hand cannot help but open their mouths to cause friction of any kind. Honestly, most of the time the people who are doing this, really do not even have the business expressing anything. This is a very hard lesson to learn because those that possess this trait have a very hard time breaking of their own egos and strong need for negativity and misery. This will eventually if not already create irreversible happenings that one will regret.

I intend on writing more and more and I won't promise this to myself, but my intentions are to start a book and I will, I would love to start it now and maybe I will. I have many lists of accomplishments that I plan on checking off this year, that is definitely one for the bucket list but I truly would like to jump on it sooner than later. Writing has made me see so many things in a different light. I may not be the best at it, and although I am OCD in pretty much everything in my life, I am not in grammar much at all. But the release is enough for me and that is what it is about and to maybe touch on a subject that others deal with as well. It is always nice to have someone relate to your own situations.

I will continue to give as I do and be there for anyone and everyone at all times, I just will stop when the negativity is present and the ugliness appears.

I am out of here until later!!! Happy New Year and I hope this is the year for everyone!!!

"Because I Said So........": Drowning in my own pain.................but owning...

2011-12-06T20:27:00.000-06:00

"Because I Said So........": Drowning in my own pain.................but owning...: I want the outdoors right now, I want my path in Glacial Park .. where I can walk down and breathe in fresh air , be one with myself and cl...

Drowning in my own pain.................but owning it!

2011-12-06T20:26:00.000-06:00

I want the outdoors right now, I want my path in Glacial Park .. where I can walk down and breathe in fresh air , be one with myself and close my eyes and reflect on all the happenings in my life. I want to take pictures of all the elements that I see that only bring me comfort and are so beautiful for what they are and what they represent. Everything out there is real, so true to what it is. In nature, it is the circle of life, but that is what it is supposed to be , what it always has been and never changes. All just takes what it is supposed to take, what is expected to make it prosper and grow. In our world, the circle of life has changed so dramatically. We take more then we need, more then is expected to the point of extinction in some ways. I suppose we are all greedy to a point, some more then others and some probably not enough.

As I grow and yes I am 40 and still growing as we all should be. I cannot say that I don't learn a lesson if not more than one a day. I don't know if that is part of my personality or if everyone truly does as well. Some lessons I will honestly say I could do without ever having to learn and yet at some point, those lessons even are appreciated at some point. As we go down all our paths and lead our lives, everyone is approached with off beat paths and bumps and rocky sections and we are taught to battle them, smooth them out, choose the right one but are we really supposed to be doing this in a constant manner? Or should our lives be a bit easier? I know we all say "That is life" or " Life is hard", "Life sucks" "Life is full of disappointment" etc. I just don't see why we are here to just fight a constant battle, I am a positive person , a goofball for probably 95% of my life and I for the most part see the light at the end of the tunnel for the series of unfortunate events. Once again though, is this what is intended for life on earth or has it been so shredded through time? We can all look at what we have been dealt and treat it as ugly or treat it as a piece of art we can work with. I usually always try that approach by nature. Even with this approach sometimes, I want to just throw it all in a deep, deep water hole and make it all go away, at any cost. I don't like to suffer, I most definitely do not like to watch my loved ones suffer. It just seems as it is all around, ailments hanging by everyone's front porch. When I was married, I tried a tactic to my then husband and said...lets try this, before you walk in the door at night, hang all the negative issues, all the ugly happenings and factors up on the little red shrub and walk in fresh and then grab them back in the morning with a fresh start to resolve. That did work for a short time and I still practice that (although , I come in the garage now, but I use an imaginary shrub). My point is that we can carry so much on our own selves to such a degree that it effects those around us and it creates a path of destruction to even beings that you don't even associate with on a daily basis. I have always wanted to carry as much pain with me, from any and everyone. I remember when I was a little girl, my dream was to always grow up and build a GIANT HUGE building that all the old people could live in so that they were never lonely and could always have people around them and food. I have always been a nuturerer or mother hen if you will. I just always wanted to fix everything, not out of control issues or challenges, but because I care, I care so damn much that it is usually too damn much and right now I SOOOOOOO hate that trait. I never want anyone to hurt, I want to make it better if I can at all. I can only assume knowing my life , why I am like that. Maybe I will share that at a later date but nonetheless I try not to impose my bad days or bad thoughts onto anyone else and I still try and take others away. We feed off of other people, actually I strongly believe that people have lost touch with who they are and what they are. We are all so busy, so busy to even stop and respect yourself enough to know what is happening, where you are heading and how you are effecting others. The faster it gets done, the faster you get to eat or pamper yourself...but in the long run , you are harming yourself and your loved ones. Our times, economy, values have pushed us all into a whirlwind of choices and paths that are not even necessary for existance, yet we burden ourselves anyways and try to keep up with the jones's and impress the ones around us to the hilt. You know you do this or have done this and it is ok I guess to some degree, but when that degree becomes to hot, we need to recognize and cool off a bit.

As I sit here at my dinner table , only the dogs and birds laying next to me and my music playing of course...I sit and cry, cry harder then I have cried in years. I will say, I am in pain...I don't admit that much and always try and hide behind that bright sunshine. Why? oh, just because I practice what I preach, that if you look at things positive, only positive will come out of it. Well , for the most part that stands true, true to me anyways. But I don't have to right now, I have the right to fall, to drown in sorrow, to feel the pain for what it is, I can even do it for days if I feel the need. I will drive around the block and pout sometimes just so I don't play Debbie Downer and bring everyone at home down. I am home alone, and even though my pets definatley do care, they take me for who I am. I know that all things heal and all pain subsides, but this one stings, this one I could say with confidence, has won the trophy for intensity. It is not one thing, yet a combo pack...Yes...I got the combo pack on this one.

We all have problems right? I am not by any means saying I have it any worse then the next, but I have had a whole lot in a right after another, and another, and another path and I have managed to knock it all down and keep coming out of it all. I wont settle for anything else I guess. Maybe if I stopped and let myself fail, then things would be so different and maybe the vast amount of bad times would diminish because I would not expect any more. HEY, that was a lesson learned while I typed that....see, yet another checked off for the day. I will not act on that lesson though, so no worries.

I had a conversation this past weekend with a person that was once one of my very close friends, that I spent a great deal of time with on a daily basis. Now, the conversation that we had is one I have had over and over again with many people, but this was different, this was different because of who this individual was. I instantly felt an inner relief that has been bottled up for so very many years, some pain was gone and a whole new look at several different situations. To elaborate much into this past relationship is not necessary, but I will say that it was very dear to my heart for more reasons then one. I don't think I stopped smiling the whole time but with so many meanings and reason behind that smile. The satisfaction level and self respect that came out of that was pretty intense and so fulfilling. The best part of it was that it was so completely unexpected, so to say the least....it filled a void that has been hovering for a long time and it brought peace to me and I hope maybe a little to them as well. (that really has nothing to do with this blog, but again, I am drastically random, so you have to appreciate that :))

I don't always have to pretend I am so strong, that I am unbreakable...ok, I kind of am unbreakable...but I am going to step up to the plate and say....I'M BROKEN right now and be ok with that right? I am admitting, I am sitting here crying in some severe pain and wish with all my heart that my baby girls , all three of them, were here with me or that I could be with some of my very close friends laughing, but it is not what is happening right now. So I must accept the feelings, but I can feel how I want to feel, I can react how I want to react ,be exactly who I am because damnit...no one is telling me how to deal with emotions when they cannot even admit their own.

I made a statement today that I was going to start writing a book, I think we all say that at some point in life, and I have told several people in my world that they should do this...but pondering on it today, I have told myself..."self, you are going to write that book" and although my older sister that says "I suck at writing and she cant even handle reading my writings" I will expose all I want and how I want and those that want ...can and those that don't ... won't have to read it.

With all that being said, I am closing this to concentrate , if that is at all possible right now, to do some finances...so I will probably be deeper in that hole after that...haha. I won't complain about that because I am making it "ok" on MY OWN!! But we wont go into that one either, we have ventured down that blog path enough, but you get my drift.

now Onward to more sulking :(
SS

"Because I Said So........": Perfect, what the hell does this mean?

2011-11-26T13:10:00.000-06:00

"Because I Said So........": Perfect, what the hell does this mean?: Have you ever felt you are so sure of something but at the same time, you are questioning yourself deeply as well? Do we ever really truly...

Perfect, what the hell does this mean?

2011-11-26T13:08:00.000-06:00

Have you ever felt you are so sure of something but at the same time, you are questioning yourself deeply as well? Do we ever really truly know what is right or wrong or comforting or discomforting by our inner feelings or is it a combination of what society sees and what we feel or what we want to feel about something or someone? I am observing myself and others in this exact scenario. I am not sure if this is my OCD that makes me constantly seek out resolution and understanding or if I truly see a problem with this and want to be aware of this. This writing is kind of a mixture of my problems with OCD and trying to understand my obsessions with clarification and resolution. I always want to understand every aspect of my life to the fullest, is this bad or is this good or do I need to find a happy medium? I sincerely do not know this answer and I am desperately seeking good advice on the manner.
We all have our life stories or our excuses for all behaviors that we possess as individuals, but I feel the majority of the time, we do not recognize that these can be harmful until we understand them fully for what they really are. My childhood is not one that I like to share with just anyone, but to summarize, I have learned that so many of my childhood happenings are the backbone to a list of my issues in my life. We all know this as common sense of course, but until you really think about it and seek out the entire picture , it is not a helpful tool by just being able to say those words. Recognizing the ins and outs of the happening and linking it to a behavior that you possess is the only way to work through it.
As I have stated in previous blogs, that I am in a learning sector of my life right now and it is quite rewarding but confusing at times as well. I am pretty much working on all of the ones I have come to terms with, some not being as easy as the next. I would venture to say that it is a lifetime of understanding because you never stop growing and changing and if you have an obsessive trait at all in yourself as I do, I cannot stop taking it all in and trying to make myself better or at least understanding myself to the fullest. Now to add to that, my problem is wanting and trying to understand others that impact my life on a daily basis as well.
As I am given advice to relax and let life flow, I try that approach....trust me I try so hard. Just when I think I am doing just that, something of a bigger sort happens and that all goes to the wayside again and it is hard to jump back on the Relax Train to say the least.
I always say to myself and others that I wish I was a heartless, black hearted bitch, it would seem to make life much easier when you just don't give a shit about anything but yourself.
So I ask myself, at what point does making changes in yourself actually alter who you really are? That is my fear, I never want to really change who I am, but I am open to changing my ways for sure if need be. I absolutely know that I am very far from perfect and that I need work just as much as the next person no matter how happy and content I may seem. It is a reality, and a reality that every person should be able to admit, because no one person is anywhere near perfect. Because Perfect does not exist, it is a word society created that is far from real!!!!! We are all different and for that , the word perfect cannot not possibly be real.
I observe so many people passing judgement on others and giving advice to others about how to change themselves or point out flaws that one carries, but they themselves do not take accountability for what they need to realize about their own self. In our family, we call that "check yourself". It is OK to give constructive criticism to others, but at the same time, make sure you are understanding that maybe your advice is based upon a feeling or belief that you have but is not true because it is not understood by your own self on your side. I hope that makes sense to you. I guess in other words, I am saying : Don't harm others with words when you hold ignorance to your own being that you don't or cannot see to even try and fix yourself.
Everyday I worry about something and everyday I try to fix things and maybe even get stressed daily about something that I would like to make better. I am working on that, I am not sure if that is normal and productive or if it consuming my life in a bad way. I also do not know if that is a survival tactic or if it is a wall I have built up that I just can't knock down. I can honestly say, that I wish with all my heart that I could go a day without worrying about something so deeply and just enjoy myself and my loved ones. In the big picture, we are supposed to be having fun, enjoying life and moving forward right? Well I do all those things but with stress always in the back of my head and the constant thinking, I can never stop thinking EVER!!! It is an addiction that I sooooooooooo want to break! (I think).

I don't really know what exactly I meant this blog to be about when I started, maybe I just needed to vent a bit and understand some feelings I am having at the present time. I love to blog and share and I love it because it makes a difference for me and it has effected others personally as well and that gives me a good feeling. Maybe I need for someone to hear my emotions out loud, who knows really.
I continue to work on who and what I am and want to understand myself, I truly want to be the best person that I can be but I also want to be just that "ME". I will learn as I continue to go along, but I hope that all my lessons are ones that go hand in hand with what I want at the present moment and what I see in my future right now and all in a positive manner that only strengthens my insights as I see them now and not negative that I suddenly see something that I didn't see before that ruins those insights. Nothing is set in stone and nothing is forever, but you can definitely take every path and every effort to make what you WANT!!! I am doing just that and will use all my powers to continue towards my wants and needs.

"Because I Said So........": The Cow Path or your Own Path

2011-09-15T15:31:00.000-05:00

"Because I Said So........": The Cow Path or your Own Path: Life as we know it is complicated in every aspect. Even if you have the most positive outlook on life and your own happenings, the fact ...

The Cow Path or your Own Path

2011-09-15T15:30:00.000-05:00

Life as we know it is complicated in every aspect. Even if you have the most positive outlook on life and your own happenings, the fact that complication and hard decisions are on our plates as a daily event is inevitable. How we handled them is where the difference is. It is so easy to try and keep up with the constant competition of your neighbor, friend, co-worker and we all do this and my question is WHY? Why do we always subject ourselves to always trying to prove a point, always trying to mask our real feelings, thoughts, outlooks, etc? The reason is because the majority of society is close minded and not opens to change and or any venture that is not in the “NORM”.

I know that everyone has had their fair share of stress and life’s horrific events. I will say that I have definitely had mine over and over and not to say that mine are any worse than the next person, but I will say…that I have had an abundance of unfortunate events one on top of the other for some time that seems to not want to stop. Through all these, I have not let myself down or let any of it get the best of me. Do I break down ever? You better believe I do and sometimes uncontrollably. That is only human. But ….. I pick myself right back up and make a plan. It is simple for me to look at any event and say: Ok, this is what is here and now it is time to make it work somehow. There is an option for all events in life, they may not be easy, in fact they may be so very, very hard and struggling..But I always try and look at the final outcome being able to be checked off as done and accomplished. (Maybe this is my OCD that takes care of that part). My point to this is that, so many people give up or find an out that is neither positive nor helpful in any way to resolve your issue at hand. Always remember, you can do whatever and if you don’t find resolution…that problem at hand will keep resurfacing forever and sometimes it builds into a powerful event that will be harder and harder to break down. I sometimes speak as if it is all so easy, but to me, it is simply. I am a black and white kind of person when it comes down to it and if it is wrong…..fix it, if it is working….leave it alone!!

I have expressed my constant babbling about learning lessons and how many I have learned in such a very short time, I will again say this and I watch on a daily basis, people in my life never learning a lesson from their experiences and or life itself. Is this ignorance or is it that they see it, but too lazy or strong to make a change? No one is perfect and I am far from it myself of course, but seeing all this drives me crazy and the controlling person that I am as well makes it hard for me to realize that I cannot do anything about it. I do try though for all people in my life, I never give up giving or trying to help someone find resolution. This is just in my blood and although I have come to terms that I need to pull back on that a lot with so many situations in my life, it will always remain a part of me for sure. I will say it is a painful habit to have to say the least.

You see things in life that you never recognized or simply just did not understand, what my eyes see, is so many people following one another, or following a higher power in different ways in their lives. Does anyone really know what they are following or who they are following? I would bet that answer is a high percentage of NO…we tend to treat those extremely important facets of our lives as fads. Research is few and far between on a personal basis, it is always easier to listen to someone else and judge upon their liking or decision and it trails down that path of constant followers. This is an endless path of destruction. One must always know what they are dealing with in all parts of their lives and that extends deeper than that as well. We all need to start standing up for what we see, hear and feel and expressing it to our likings. This doesn’t mean you have to be a big giant ASS, constructive criticism and good solid advice can go a long way. Never try and stray a person, simply share your points and views. Always be a leader that is one lesson that I have successfully taught my girls and I am extremely proud and happy that all three of them are such leaders and I take pride in that to the fullest! It is a solid piece of your inner self that will take you so many places in life!

My writing on all of this is because I have gone pretty much my entire life not having the self-control of my own feelings and trusting in others and I have learned this just is not the way and it has steered me into wrong avenues and I have made that change and will continue to always make that change and learn and grown … in my world that is the only way.

So……..with that being said….just check yourself and pay attention to the choices and moves that you make on a personal level and move forward with your intuitions and I promise you will see a change that you never thought existed.

Stay alive within yourself and LIVE YOUR LIFE!!!!

Making changes for me....

2011-08-13T23:30:00.000-05:00

Cant wait to be in my own home to start releasing all these unhealthy holdings.....I admit to the need for control at this point. Next week is going to be a rough one to deal with amoungst the other pile of rough ones. So many new lessons learned in the past crazy months, but for all the bad things that have transpired, one great thing came out of all of this and with that said...i will keep all the bad just to be able to keep this one good thing. I will elaborate more when I am settled, I will have more changes, drastic life changes by then as well. Although this has been the most troubling time of my life so far, i have done the most growing, learning and most important...recognizing to say the least. To say I feel like a whole different person might be a bit dramatic but I think it gets my point across. Maybe it is the age or the cutdown on having my brain stuck in a class, but my eyes have never seen so much, taken in so much like never before. I can honestly say that noone knows me and thamt saddens me to a point .I have just found out so much about myself, i cant be sad that noone else does either. I have an amazing person in my life that I have known for many years but never knew the depth and I am cherishing every moment .
Growth has been a big part of my being lately and although it can and has been extremely challenging..I love the feeling of knowing my mnd is so open to change and resolution.
Well, just wanted a small vent... I'm full of happiness, confusion, confidence and most of all love!!!
Until then....think positive

Fast Growth within........

2011-06-03T11:56:00.000-05:00

I wonder with the life happenings that we are all subjected to be handled in the correct way, or are there even ever a correct way? Is the correct way based upon society or your surroundings or is it based upon your own inner self. I am questioning this so much at the present moment because I can see both of these scenarios being played out and I am currently playing them in my own head.

I have grown so much in such a short amount of time learning about myself and seeing different behavior patterns that I have. Some are good and some that need to be worked on. I have found in times of severe stress and times of in depth life decisions; this makes the mind work harder than the norm. I have had much of this going on and my mind can’t stop thinking to a point of destruction almost. I am of course, just finding more strength and ways to deal in a positive and productive way…but to say the least; this is by far the most challenging adventure I have had to sail through!

I am realizing that what you might think is the right answers to what you have at hand is really sometimes not what you thought it is or once was. As much as you may want it to be just that, I am learning that I have to face the facts that it might not be. This is the lesson I am currently learning, to face the reality that is upon you and make it work in the best possible way. BUT…don’t settle just because it is not seen in the eyes of others as what you want or need or see as the best scenario for your own personal decision. Life is about yourself and the ones you are responsible for, you are not here to completely please others or turn yourself into something you are not to appease someone else. I am a nurturing person and always have been and probably will always be. I am understanding though in this compulsive process that I am neglecting myself by not nurturing my own self. I am asking myself, how can I nurture others, when I am not doing it to me first? Or is it something that is masking some past void and it makes me feel better to take care of others? Who knows, I am entertaining all these new insights of myself and I may figure them out or I may not, but I can say that I am going to give it my all, as I always do , to be the best person for myself and in general that I can be. But I will not let anyone walk all over me anymore, that is NO ONE! I am not perfect by any means, but I am not a bad person either and always want the best to happen in every scenario that I am involved in. Life lessons can sometimes be so very challenging, but you can always make good out of them as well. It is all in your own mind how you see the outcome. The outcome could in reality be bad, but if you have the tools to SEE it different, you can get through it and could even turn out to be a better ending then you would ever imagine. I have some very challenging events in my life right now that I sometimes think I cannot and will not get through. I am using every little bit of strength that I have to conquer it all and I will, I always do. I have gained some understanding of my own self through this, which is always good as long as you make the best of what you see..meaning if change needs to be made..you make it or you stand your ground if you feel that you are ok with what that currently is. Just always play all scenarios in your heart and soul to make sure that you are making the right choices or seeing things correctly.

I have always gone through life trying to show people happiness or trying to be a peacemaker even if I wasn’t involved in the situation. I also try and rectify everything I am involved in and usually at a fast pace as that is my personality trait (which I am also learning is not such a great trait sometimes). My new approach to all of this is to just play it out. Again, this is not easy for me at all, in fact…it is extremely hard for me, but I am doing it. I can say I am not very happy about it inside and not too sure if it is even me or if I even want this to be me, but I am giving it a shot nonetheless. The main reason I am not happy with it is because it is making me hold in feelings, emotions, thoughts inside and I don’t like to work that way. I always feel communication and letting all of that out is best practice, but I could be wrong and we will soon see. I also feel that this approach brings some negative aspect to the happenings I have at hand that I also am not digging too much because it is making me see and realize things I did not see prior. This could be a good thing in the long run as well. Instead of trying to seek approval from all, I am just showing what is going to play out. Action speaks louder than words always in any scenario. You cannot always have control of the happenings, but you can always have control of how you feel and how you are going to deal with the happenings, because they are your own. I want to express though, don’t let anyone take that from you. Although I am keeping much in at the moment, I am pondering on all of it and taking it all in for what it is. I will resolve within myself because you just have to. Final decisions will be made from my pondering when I feel the complete confidence within myself. I have always done that, but I am taking it on a different way now.

So, on a good note, I am happy and ready for life’s changes and challenges that I have upon me at the present time. I have had my downtime and worrisome time and now I am ready to take it all on. That is how I work and that is how I cope and that is what has gotten me through some major hard times in life and I will stick with what works and build on it as well. As there is always and will always be room for growth within Sheryl!

Loving the Gamble and Change that is happening now!!!.............

2011-05-15T22:00:00.001-05:00

I haven't blogged in a very long time and probably need to start to a bit more. I have had my life change dramatically in a very short time and have been dealing with all the components that go along with this huge change. I can say that I have had a vast amount of emotions, some new and some already experienced once before but probably never at this capacity. Through all of this, I have had some eye openings on issues that have lingered in my heart and gone on way to long and I have finally has closure on them. Some are unfortunate, but nonetheless much needed and sadly, it feels good to have this realization and to let go and move on. I have gone my life always wanting to make peace with every action, every happening and almost any event that I am involved in and that has gotten me some good things but the bad things that it brings me has made me realize that this process is only worthy to those that are worthy of receiving it. This is a big step for me to rid of constantly wanting to make everyone happy, you simply cannot do this and it has taken me this long to understand this. From here on out, only those that can understand the meaning of family, friendship, support, loyalty and pure love are the ones that will get this from me, all others do not get this energy from me anymore, nor do they get to even try to take it.

I have worked so hard in the past 9 years for certain goals, goals that I set as attainable for myself and I keep saying to myself these last couple weeks that I was handed all that has been given to me in the past few months, but I now realize that this wasn't handed to me, I earned every bit of it. That is what I worked so hard for and for all of it, I am receiving the benefits now and it is amazing.

For those that don't know, I was approached by a recruiter for a job opportunity from a leading IT software company that I carry many certifications in and use on a daily basis as well as being an administrator for the company I currently am employed by. When I was first approached, I knew this company resided in Tampa, FL and at first was just entertaining the whole idea as a whole not thinking this was going to become much of anything for a company this size. Well. I was totally wrong....after the couple phone interviews and the praise of all the different management; I started to entertain the idea as a real happening. I was then asked to fly down immediately to meet the owner and CEO of the company. Mind you, this all happened in a matter of days, I was a bit in ego shock. I flew down to Florida at 845 am , had a fun filled day with them and to my surprise was offered the job on the spot, back on the plane and landed back home at 840 pm with a whole new look on my career. I was, to say the least a bit confused, sad, happy, scared, and every other emotion there could be, I spent the entire plane ride making pros, cons and making lists of everything that I could think of that was a benefit to me and .. well...there was not much on the side of not leaning towards this opportunity. After much research, sleepless nights, meetings and discussions with executives at both my current job and new job, I decided that this was the absolute way to go. I accepted the job and gave my notice to my current job. I am making a huge gamble in life and I know that, but what I know most about all of this, is that this is the absolute right decision. I know it is going to be hard, but with that known, I know I can do it. Without bashing anyone, because that also is out of my life and from here on out, I understand I am the primary provider for my children's existence financially, mentally, physically and every other aspect, this is the best opportunity to make a better life for my girls and I'm so proud that I am going to do just that. At this same point in my life, I am most definitely happier and content then I have ever been. I have an amazing relationship that was completely unexpected and has given me so much inspiration, love, self-esteem, love, happiness, love...I just can't even explain in words what it actually even is. All I can say is that I have never felt like this in any relationship and this is how it is supposed to be and this is what love, life and existence is about and I will be holding onto this for a lifetime, I promise you that. Back to the job offer, I am dealing with some legal issues at the present time and as soon as that is cleared up, we will be leaving for Florida. My start date is July 11th. I am now extremely excited to go and have this opportunity for a better life and for a much needed change for me and the girls. It is going to be such a great opportunity for all of us and I know this is going to be what is needed. The past week, I have seen some things in my life that pushed me even harder to know that this is what needs to be done. I am so ready to take this on and make the lives of my family flower and shine!

I have learned many lessons in a short time here and have blossomed in my own self dramatically in the last months. One lesson learned is that you need to take chances in life and always look at them as positive and pay attention to detail. Open your mind and accept in only what feels right in your heart, don't settle for anything and strive for what makes YOU feel good inside and what you want in life. You never know what life has in store for you. At the end of 2010, I had many things on my plate that did not look good, that did not have me going to good places. Was this real or was this how I was looking at it? I think it was both realistically but I made a promise to myself in Dec of 2010 that 2011 was my year. I made a stern promise in my heart and soul and I immediately started on that awesome path. My life has been continually changing since then with all positive and incredible happenings. I know and acknowledge that I have some battles ahead that I will have to deal with from this big life change, but I am confident that I will conquer them with flying colors. You always have to remember, that nothing is permanent and that you have a choice in life for whatever you take on and everything can be what you want it to be, that is, if you really want it and work for it. Set your goals big and small and always work towards them. Also, I express this lesson. Instead of wasting your energy on trying to show others or even yourself that your choices are the right choices, just DO IT and that is all the proof you need. As we always say, actions speak louder than words. Don't waste that time on trying to convince, just show it in your action and nothing will ever have to be explained again.

I will miss my incredible friends and family and I will miss McHenry, but I know it is always here. I am excited to make all better and to give my girls freedom of struggling stress that we have been under for so long. My girls are amazing and stand by my side, as I always stand by theirs. I cannot wait for our new life and have already started to embrace the change and emotions that lie ahead.

Change is always good and brings so many things to your life that you never knew existed, I’m choosing to take it all on and to LIVE my LIFE.

We are quite happy to cut it into many small useful pieces

2011-04-18T23:28:00.001-05:00

We are quite happy to cut it into many small useful pieces

My new found Realizations............kind of disheartening to say the least!

2011-04-12T11:32:00.000-05:00

As I am gaining the understanding of my much needed "Sheryl Time", I have learned so much already. It took awhile to realize that I now can take the time to understand and fully embrace my own life happenings. For the last 10 years, I have had constant stress and horrific time restraints and I let so much go and settled for so many things because of this. I have just come to the understanding that so many people use words to describe who and what they are about , BUT ...there actions do not meet up to that. You can say anything, but following through is a different story.

Anything I am saying or sharing does not mean that I am exactly correct or that my findings are REAL, although... I will say from much experience and true and real happenings, that I have the confidence that I am most definitely on the right track. The one finding of mine, is very saddening....Actually, they are all sad. Unfortunately, it has made me see things so different and what once meant a lot to me, has faded dramatically and it because the meaning of certain things in the beginning have veered far away from what they were originally meant to be. It is kind of hard to describe all this when I am not going to elaborate on names or events that I am talking about, hopefully you will just understand from my explanations.

I believe that we are so easily steered away from what our true intentions really are. This stems from many different things but the number one item being the fact that everyone has to feel the need to please SOCIETY instead of themselves. That is not what we are supposed to be about and I suppose that is your choice, but I promise the other side of that fence is so much more rewarding!!! That should not go unnoticed, if you have an intention in your heart, mind of soul...you need to pursue it fully for the good intention that it is, but do it for the right reasons, don't do it for the heroism or the publicity or your own ego boost, this is what I see happening so much around me. We need to do things for what they truly mean and what the purpose really is for, if you can't handle doing it for the intention itself, then you shouldn't be doing it at all. Don't give something of yourself that really is not for anyone but YOURSELF!

We have always been taught that its about giving and not receiving, Well most of us have been taught that anyways, but regardless....I think we all need to Check Ourselves on this statement and make sure that is what we are really doing, because remember words have to match our actions and our actions have to flow with our words as well...Meaning, there can't be underlying meaning behind the words that we are selling.

I consider myself very lucky to be able to understand this and see this and make the changes within myself to make myself right. I will say though, without patting myself on the back, that I have always been who and what I portray. There was many parts of me that were hidden or that I did not let out due to my own doings, but nonetheless, I realized this and I broke those walls down completely and I can not even explain how great I feel. I let myself settle and be who my surroundings were and what was acceptable in my world. That is not how it should be, well that's how I feel anyways. You should always be who and what you are! Even, if others don't agree, that is no one else's choice, we are each individuals for a reason right?

I guess I am going to leave it at this because I have so many more learnings that I want to share and I want to separate them all

Decisions in Life

2011-04-07T23:10:00.000-05:00

I went from thinking I had the worst luck in the world and prayed it would go away and always said that , "Someone must have something so awesome for me soon because I cant't handle anymore bad, sad, or troubled happenings in my life." I felt I was being tested on an hourly basis and those of you who were in my life through these years can attest that this was beyond a true statement. Well, not only did I get one awesome payback, but so many and they keep coming and coming. Of course some being more then others. I have had the most incredible man enter back into my life and I have never been happier or felt so complete. I won't even get into that right now, but thought I would mention but really...sounds silly but it is way to special to even share. You don't have to really understand that, but I do..so we will leave it at that. I have had to make some decisions lately, that have been really, really troublesome but I know for the best! It is funny what life can hand you in such a short time. I have such confidence in my decisions usually, but this one is definitely one that will hang over my heart for a long time. But again, I feel everything happens for a reason. I now know that my future holds so many choices and opportunities for me and I intend on living life...like actually really enjoying and living life the way I want to. I am a simple person and enjoy the most simple aspects of life. I want to embrace what is out there and take it for what it is. I am making that decision to venture into my wants and needs and who knows where or what that will bring me, but I am soooooooooooo excited. I have such an open mind for change. I can honestly say that NEVER in my life have I felt like this, I know it is a combination of so many things, and really it doesn't matter, the bottom line is that I love what is happening and I finally understand so many things that I questioned before. I have found the person that compliments who and what I am and I have reached some very big life goals and all of this together with my three beautiful girls and all their accomplishments have lead me down a path of complete satisfaction. The inner feelings I have are amazing and I am still amazed on a daily basis to all I have been blessed with. My blood pressure is down and my health is definitely for the better. My life at hand, is the life I have dreamed about in all reality. Finally, I have all I want but will always strive for the best for all that are in my life. You do get what you work so hard for and life should never be underestimated. Go out and live for what you love, not for what others love or for what you think looks good for society. You are in complete control of your happiness and that means you live for your loves, wants and needs.

Have an awesome weekend and remember to do things that make YOU happy :)

So angry, Vent Session in order!!!!!!!

2011-03-22T20:25:00.001-05:00

I know people hate to listen to shit about other people's ex-husbands and lives and of course anything negative...but part of the reason I started this blog was for my own self and decided to just share with others my life happenings....so tonight you are getting some bitching and then I will feel better and move on.

As those who read my blogs, you already know I have an everlasting battle with my ex... Well, I should clarify that...he battles with himself and I just sit and watch! Do others have it worse? Of course, there is always worse...but guess what??? This is my issue and no one else's .. So to me, it is bad. I make it in my life and give my girls all they need and then some. They do not go without by any means, but that is because I won't settle for less...I strive harder and compensate for WHO is not keeping up their end of the bargain.

I usually blog and never use names or get specific for more reason then one, but I'm quite frustrated tonight and don't really care what comes out. It is a free world correct???

How can you first of all, not understand that you brought life into this world..Yes, you did! and it is your responsibility to be RESPONSIBLE. Why is this so very difficult? WHY? You can't do it so you just sit back and don't work, spend what money you can get your greedy little hands on for going on over 3 years now? Prior to that, you just simply paid what and when you wanted. You have yet to pay for any medical bills let alone the court order that you have to pay for medical coverage all together that you haven't done either, the list of what you don't abide with is endless and quite frankly...I won’t' even put my energy into listing it, even though I'm putting energy into this, but it is for ME, not you...ME!!

I play with the idea in my head quite often of going to court for the FIRST time that I initiate it in almost 9 years now. Court we have been to plenty, but remember those times were brought on by you..to ummmm...well lower your support again and again and again until nothing and no work??? I don't want to waste my happiness and energy on a person that cannot own up to his responsibilities to his own beautiful daughters.

Your first born daughter is going to college and you have not one clue about any of it, you would not participate, you would not fill out anything, you didn't share in one of the most important times of her life...How great that must feel, I am jealous of you! Don't worry; I am sure we can get you a sticker to put on your car that says you’re an NIU parent...so no worries! I got your back!!!

Let’s just go over a couple things in the 9 years that you haven't done

-Stayed home when children are sick - and 3 of those years you don't even work

-Pay for health insurance as court ordered - but....maybe a couple months you did...Your Awesome!

-Take your children to the Dr....Do you even know who their Dr's are???

-Sign one school document for all 3 children, for 3 different schools at any point - don’t worry, I didn’t include you in any of it. Their grandparents, friends, aunts are listed...You know .. the people I can count on!

I’m going to just say this as well or admit this.....You are making me cry right now...why? because I care, I care that you make these choices that are going to hurt you or that are hurting you. I cry in sadness for you! You can't go back on all this. As happy in my life that I am, I will never understand how this is how it is! It is beyond sad, beyond reality for me.

I will now continue:

-Take the girls to the ER

-I can't even go on, it is ricockulous

Oh - let’s give credit where credit is due for sure - You make lunches on your nights!! and you play games with them on your new iPhone's that you and your awesome girlfriend have.

There is obviously much pain in this blog and I would apologize to all reading it, but this is real! This is my life! I DO NOT let it consume me in anyway, but when I walk in the door after working all day to start my 2nd job of being Mom and I get to see the mail on the counter and see that coupon magazine business venture of yours (oh, how many of those you have) and know you are lying to the Government, lying to the state, and lying to the county, oh and lying to your children and mother of your children...it irks the living shit out of me!

I choose to sit and watch because I won’t' let you drain my beautiful life, but I think things are changing in my thoughts....changing in my outlook! I will NEVER count on you, but I do believe it is time to start TAKING from you!!! The time of relaxing and taking advantage is over! I told you once, I won’t go small....I will go BIG and you have given me enough to go BIG on....you have no clue! My quietness and sitting back...was a front....I never stop doing homework! Even when it is not for school.

Happy Birthday on Thursday, I hope you have a great day!

Oh and soon to be......I am honored to say that my name will be rid of Smith and back to Mayhew... That association is a killer....

SWING it like no other!!!

Sheryl Mayhew