Tia Lencha's Cocina

Lessons in Love from Ramon Ayala

2024-02-13T17:56:00.000-08:00

Orale raza! How ju bean?

Happy Valentime’s Day! Tia Lencha is back to talk about luff to you pochos.

Have you heard songs by Ramon Ayala? He’s bigger than Chicano Batman and he knows all about luff. He talks to all of us who no have luck in luff. His songs teash us all about the lessons you learn when jur Corazon (thas heart for ju pochos) is not like the fairy tales on Valentimes Day.

Dis article is written b me and my proper-English-speaking alter ego, Aunt Lily. This is mostly because Mijo, my son, insists that no one will take a woman who writes in dialect seriously. Can ju beleef it?

I sat down with Aunt Lily while I drank tequila and she drank kombucha and we listen to Ramon Ayala. Dis is what we discover in our cantina night.

First, English and Spanish are like two different flavors of life or like different people. Do you love in Spanish or English? This is an important question. Ramon loves in Spanish-he would rip his heart out and die just to be your lover. Also, how do you say “La Llorona”? When you say it does it rhyme with corona (like the beer or virus)? Or do you say it in Spanglish where la Llorona rhymes with La Corona, the crown, in a game of listeria?

Say hi Aunt Lily.

AL: Hello everyone. Happy Valentine’s Day. We’re here to celebrate those who suck our relationships, like us.

TL: Why ju say it like that? It’s Valentimes Day. Jur saying it wrong.

AL: You’re saying it wrong

TL: Jur gravely mistaken.

AL: Oh? TL: Jes. Valentimes is for all of the passionate pochos, who have a fire in their belly from eating too much chile

AL: The only fire you have in your belly is from eating. Too much dairy.

TL: Rood!

AL: Most of us did not have anything real in terms of real love but we are out here, like the blind leading the blind.

TL: More like the blind, making out with the blind.

AL: Shut up!

TL: Rood!

TL: This song is for all the people that have taken your heart broken. Your heart stomped on your heart, then Torre still beating heart from your chest and held it up over their head and then cut it up and made a torta with it

AL: But you would take back in a hot minute.

TL: But they make ju drink in a dark corner of a cantina thas as dark as jur heart.

AL: But you don’t drink

TL: Have ju met me? Of course I do! Is very on brand for me

AL: You’ve been drinking behind my back

TL:Relax Miss perfect. Do ju remember college? Ju barely made it through Sober Mondays, Detox Tuesdays, and Withdrawal Wednesdays.

AL: Dang!

TL: That’s putting a lot of crema on those tacos.

AL: It’s like when you met the love of your life.

TL: Mijo’s Daddy? What about it?

AL: You forgot about everything else.

TL: Don’t remind me.

AL: You only had eyes for him.

TL: While he had his eyes on everyone else. That rotten sheater. He stab my heart.

AL: He sure did. We all tried to tell you but you didn’t listen.

TL: Jes, they don’t tell ju that when ju fall in love jur ears don’t work too good.

AL: Little beak is a strange euphemism for…

TL: Vaheena.

AL: Yes. New vaheena.

TL: Then it becomes old vaheena and they forget all about you.

AL: I think this is what the kids call love bombing.

TL: For those of us who don’t know what to talk about on a date.

TL: Have you ever had to get out of a bad date?

AL: How bad are talking about?

TL: I pretended to throw up to not kiss one pocho goodnight. And ju?

AL: I just use the word “objectify” a lot.

TL: What das that mean?

AL: Exactly.

AL: Was it destiny? What a stalker!

TL: As if! Don’t make me say it.

AL: What?

TL: You made us drive by that guy’s house.

AL: Ohhhh…yeah. That was one time.

TL: And the car broke down.

AL: So?

TL: And the tow truck driver was a cosmic Chicano saying he would be picking up when the Revolution came in Aztlan/ Jes. I wonder where he is now.

AL: My ex? He got divorced.

TL: Divorce? Ju mean you’ve been talking to your ex behind my back?

AL: Yeah. Keep up.

AL: Whoa! What does he mean cut her wings?

TL What do you think he means? That he’s going to take her phone away?

AL: I don’t know. I don't mess with Latin lover types.

TL: He means cut jur wings, like when ju are bery mad and by wings you mean penice.

AL: That’s not funny, Lencha.

TL: Why?

AL: Not everything is a Lorena Bobbit joke.

TL: Ay, let me live

AL: Are we trauma dumping?

TL: What do ju mean?

AL: Do we have anything positive to say?

TL: Jes. Positive. I haf it. Imagine if only a men’s penice grew every time, they told a lie, it would be good.

AL: Like Pinocchio?

TL: Exactly.

AL: And some say that romance is dead. What if that something shrunck instead hen they tell a lie? TL: Gwat? The mens better hide their huevos rancheros! Beef burritos! Spicy chorizos from ju!

AL: You know, Lencha, I used to think Valentine’s Day was about celebrating the love you have with your beloved.

TL: Like in the Hallmarque cards?

AL: But now I know the truth.

TL: Da truth?

AL: It’s a trophy day to celebrate the fact that you haven’t given up on love.

TL: Comadre, thas so true.

AL: (raising her glass of kombucha) To love!

TL: (raising her shot glass of tequila) To amor! Happy Valentimes Day comadre! And to all you pochos!

Father's Day Chorizo

2015-06-08T23:09:00.003-07:00

Hola. Is Tia Lencha here. After many jears of being divorce from mijo’s daddy, I share with ju the recipe I make for the Father’s Day. When I think of mijo’s daddy, I think of chorizo. Oso, when I see a good looking chorizo at the store, I think of mijo’s daddy. Get jur mind out of the trash can, cochinos. Is because mijo’s daddy make really good chorizo!

He gwas a good cooker before he left me and mijo for that eskeleton lady. I didn’t know how he stuff the meat into those skins (I think they call casings) using a funnel. But now that he has been gone, I have no chorizo. So a course, I learn how to make my own chorizo.

This recipe gives 20 chorizos of about 3 inches. 20 chorizos is more chorizos than I can handle so I freeze some of them for laters.

Ingrediens.

2 lbs. of ground pork
6 ounces of ground pork belly fat
8 guajillo peppers
6 ancho peppers
1 cup of white vinegar
2 table espoons of salt
3 table espoons of paprika
6 garlic teeth, peeled and minced
2 bay leaves
1/3 of a table espoon of ground black pepper
½ table espoon of ground cumin
3/4 table espoon of Mexican oregano
½ teaspoon of dry marjoram
½ teaspoon of coriander seeds
½ teaspoon of dry thyme
6 cloves
½ tea espoon ground allspice
Enough butcher's twine or corn husks to tie the chorizos
Sausage casings

NOTES:

* At least one hour before starting to work with the meat and pork fat, put them in the refrigerator. This make the meat easier to handle. Ju have to be able to handle the meat gwell.

* Do not skip the ground pork belly fat; it will help in the curing of the chorizo.

* I buy a small package of sausage casings online and it lasts to make up to 10 lbs. of meat. Thas a lot of meat.

To Prepares:

1. Wipe the peppers clean. Take off the stems and cut lengthwise. Remove the seeds, and put in a bowl. Cover with hot water and let sit for 30 minutes.

2. Meanwhile, grind the espices and dry herbs using an espice grinder.

3. Throw out the water of the peppers and put the peppers in a blender. Add the vinegar and garlic cloves and puree until smooth.

4. Place the pork meat and fat in a large bowl. Add the ground mixture of herbs and spices. Mix well. Add the chili sauce and mix and mix until is well mixed.

5. Put in the refrigerator for a day in a well covered glass container. This step will make more flavor.

6. After a day mix again the mixture and wrap it in small packages, it will freeze well for months. It can also be stuffed into casings.

How to estuff the chorizo into the casings:

1. Soak the casings in warm water, at least 1 hour until soft.

2. Run lukewarm water through the casings to remove any salt.

3. Tie a double knot in one end of the casing, and then cut off a length of casing. Gather all but a couple of inches of the casing over the nozzle of the funnel. This step remind me of sonething…I don’t remember gwhat.

4. Estart pressing the sausage mixture through, supporting the casing with your other hand. Pack the sausage as tight as you can, but not to the point of bursting. When you have filled almost all the casing (or used up all the estuffing), eslip the casing off the nozzle.

5. For a coil, tie the sausage where the estuffing ends.

6. Place the sausage on a clean table and start to make links.

7. Pinsh the rope into links and twist in alternating directions at the indentations using butcher’s twine or the corn husks.

8. Randomly prick the casings with a thin toothpick or the tines of a fork to release any air that’s trapped. You do not want jur chorizo to throw farts.

9. Hang the chorizo for a day in a dry room with no mugre (thats dirt for you pochos) or insects. If you wish cover with a cheese cloth. This step will help to cure the meat.

Now your chorizo is ready!! Ju haf jur own chorizo!

I like to make it for Father’s Day when mijo’s daddy and the eskeleton lady come to my house to eat. I make for them chorizo with red salsa, chorizo with the scramble eggs, chorizo with the fried potatoes, chorizo tacos, and Tinga Poblana with chorizo all on the same day. Ebery jear mijo’s daddy says, Lencha, there’s mucho (thas a lot) chorizo in here. And ebery jear I think nothing says I don’t need ju anymore like making my own chorizo.

Fruity, Virgin Micheladas for Cinco de Mayo

2015-04-27T00:13:00.001-07:00

Hola! Is Tia Lencha here.

I going to help ju make a new drink for Cinco de Mayo. Is fruity and a virgin. Ju, know, with no beers. Get jur mind out of the trash can cochinos!

I think of the new drink when mijo ask me to taste my watermelons michelada. I think to myself, what if he like it? Will he want to drink beers? I don’t want him to be like mijo’s daddy who drink beers and fall asleep in the tub with his chonies wet with his own pee pee (thas urine for ju pochos). So I make mijo a drink, one that is virgin, and he taste it and he like it, and I taste it and I like it.

One good result is that after no drinking beers, I get eskinny! Mijo post a pishure of me on the google gwearing my new size dress and I get a lot of emails from mens that want to be my novios. I don’t say that drinking these micheladas gwill make ju eskinny and have a lot of novios, but I think they gwill make ju eskinny and get a lot of novios.

Oso, for Cinco de Mayo, is fun to be no drinking beers so ju can see how fawny the people acting who are drinking the beers. Ju can take pishures of jur friends or strangers gwearing big sombreros and fake bigotes (thas moustaches for ju pochos).* Ju can post the pishures on the google, but I don’t know it gwill get those people a lot of novios. But maybe jes.

Okay, here is the recipe for the fruit flabor michelada concentrate. Ju make the concentrate first and then ju mix with the club soda (instead of beers). But if ju insist on making it with beers, the concentrate is still bueno (thas good for ju pochos).

Watermelons Flabor Virgin Michelada

Ingrediens:

¼ of a watermelons (cut into any shapes ju like)

juice of a lot of limes (9-10 of them at least, or more if they no juicy)

Worchester sauce (ju can oso substitute with Magi sauce)

Hot Sauce (or the chili powder call Tajín)

Salt (a course)

Ice (a course)

How Ju Make:

Put the watermelons in the licuadora (thas blender for ju pochos) and blend until is a juice. Ju can pass the juice through an estrainer if ju are a picky pocho, but is no necessary. Next, cut the limes into halfs and esqueeze the juice with jur Mexican lemon esqueezer. If ju don’t have a lemon esqueezer, I don’t want to tell ju how to live jur life, but ju should go get one. Put the lime juice with the watermelons juice. Next, ju add the Worchester sauce (about 5-6 good esprinkles of the bottle). Then add the hot sauce or Tajin (to taste).

Ju can add the salt in the juice or if ju want to be fancy, ju can use the limes ju esqueezed to rub around the rim of the glass and then dip the rim in a pile of salt. Is so professional. Gwen ju finish the rim job, ju can put ice in the glass. Then fill the glass to the half with the concentrate. Ju finish filling the glass with the club soda and jur done! A fruity virgin michelada!

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

* If ju want, ju can still gwear a big Mexican hat and a bigote and act like ju are crazy when ju drink this michelada with no beers.

Heart Break Buñuelos

2014-12-10T11:37:00.001-08:00

Hola. Is Tia Lencha here. My heart is broke. I no have a novio anymore. My comadre say there is something wrong with all the mens on the google. Is true. In this case, I wasn’t enough of a man for him. Oh gwell.

I oso a little heart break because my carro (thas car for ju pochos) die. My comadre say that only my luck gwith mens is worser than my luck gwith carros.

Oso, I am very heart break because of the 43 estudents that got kill and throwed away in Mexico.

Then I saw mijo look sad jesterday and ask him what wrong. He say that he is sad because the police who kill Michael Brown and Eric Garner got out for free. He say this country is no the country of freedom if black mens cannot gwalk the streets without getting kill.

Then I was heart break because mijo was heart break. Is Crismas, he should be talking and talking about gwhatever regalos (thas presents for you pochos) he gwants under the tree.

And then I say to him, mijo let’s make buñuelos. And then he say, can we take the buñuelos to the protest for the police brutality? And I say, a course!

Buñuelos are fried dough gwith sugar and cinnamon and are good for the heart break. They are oso good for Crismas, and sold on the street in Mexico. I think is perfecto (thas perfect for ju pochos) for to eat standing up, maybe with a cup of chocolate at a protest for the police brutality.

If ju never heard of buñuelos, pochos call them “crisps” or “popovers.” Gwhat the hell is that? I want to protest those names oso.

There is two gways of making buñuelos, the real gway, and the lazy gway. Ju decide gwhat gway is right for ju.

The Real Gway of Making Buñuelos

Ingrediens:

3 cups flour, sifted two times
1 table espoon baking powder
1 table espoon salt
1 table espoon sugar
2 eggs
3/4 cup milk
1/2 cup butter or margarine
oil for the frying

sugar

cinnamon

How Ju Make:

In a large bowl, mix flour, baking powder and salt. In a small bowl, beat one table espoon sugar, eggs and butter. Stir in the leche (thas milk for ju pochos). Add milk mixture to flour. If dough is too dry, add a more milk. Knead dough until it is very smooth (and ju can think about wringing the neck of anyone ju gwant during this time). Shape into 20 balls (have fun gwith this because ju are going to be esmashing the balls soon). Cover and let stand for 30 minutes. Heat oil one-inch deep in large skillet to 360 F. Roll each ball out on a lightly-floured board into very thin six-inch circle (I tole ju!) Fry buñuelos until golden brown, turning once. Drain on paper towels. Sprinkle with sugar-cinnamon topping while they are warm.

The Lazy Gway of Making Buñuelos

Ingrediens:

Flour tortillas from the store

Oil for the frying

Sugar

Cinnamon

How Ju Make:

Heat the oil in a pan. Make sure oil is hot enough. Ju can test the oil with a piece of tortilla, is suppose to sizzle when it toush the oil and should get brown in about 2 to 3 minutes. Fry eash tortillas until golden brown. With a slotted espoon, put the crispy tortillas to paper towels to drain. Then ju top with a mix of sugar and cinnamon.

Mijo and I feel better now that we made our buñuelos. We go to the protest and give them to the peoples. Mijo is happy. But maybe no the peoples who got blocked on the freegway. Oh gwell.

Like mijo say, change estarts gwith you. Is a good think to make buñuelos to give them to jur neighbors or to people who are heart break. Make some buñuelos or do something else good for someone to make a better gworld (or Tia Lencha will give ju a coco in la cabeza!).

Chilaquiles for the World Cup

2014-07-08T17:46:00.002-07:00

Hello. Is Tia Lencha here. I haves the World Cup feber. Do ju? Is the feber ju get from watching the World Cups and being so mad at the referees and Holland and wonder who put brujeria on Brazil, that ju want to hit the telebision with a cuchara from the kishen. But I watch the games anyways.

The only gway I can watch the games now is to drink some micheladas to make me want to hit the telebision less times. So today I tell ju how to make chilaquiles to go with the beers that ju need in order to watch the games of the third place and the finals this week.

First the ingrediens:

Tortillas (the more estale the better, like the U.S. defense except for Howard’s)

Corn oil (slippery oil like the FIFA)

Red or green salsa (they are both colors of Mexico so ju choose)

Cilantro (green like Chicharito’s eyes)

Red or gwhite onion (chopped like my heart after Mexico lose)

Avocado (green like Chicharito’s shirt)

Cotija cheese (to crumble like the morals of the referee who gave Robben a penalty kick)

Refried beans (optional, if ju still have love in jur heart after Costa Rica lose)

Fried egg (optional, if ju still have hope that Argentina wins)

Then ju make:

Cut the tortillas into strips, like you want to cut Holland. Then heat some oil (not too mush) and let the tortilla pieces dive into the hot oil like Robben ebery time he sort of toushes another player’s foot.

Do NOT stir too mush because then the tortillas break apart. Is a penalty kick if ju break jur tortillas so don do it!

When tortillas are crispy, ju put the red or green salsa on top. Let all the pieces get some salsa (like all the players of Germany got a gol against Brazil). Then you put the onion, cheese, cilantro, and avocado on top to finish. If ju want to make the chilaquiles more especial like Tia Lencha do, ju put the refried beans and fried egg on top. You put the beans and egg on top of the chilaquiles like ju crowning a champion that is not Holland or Germany.

Is a good meal for breakfast or bronch or lonch. And perfect with beers.

Until next time when I make something to feel better from all the beers I drink.

There's No Debate: Los Angeles Gives New Jork Mexican Food a Coco in la Cabeza

2014-06-18T18:24:00.003-07:00

Dear Gringa Who Wants to Defend the Mexican New Jork Food:

I read jur articulo on the google about the Los Angeles Mexican food is not better than the New Jork food but different. Tia Lencha’s chonies are in a bunch. Is that how ju say? Ju don know what ju are talking about.

These are the reasons gwhy:

1. In jur articulo, ju spend mos jur time talking about Los Angeles. That is because it has a long history of Mexican people live there. Even ju say that it used to be Mexico tonta!

2. Ju say the Yelpers jelp it, the media and the general peoples all say Los Angeles Mexican food is better. Thas a lot of peoples.

3. “Get the fuck over it” and blah, blah, blah are no legitimate argumentations.

4. Speaking of argumentations, the compadre Artistotle would say that jur no so qualify to talk about the Mexican food. Ju say ju live in Los Angeles and now ju live in New Jork. So jur bicoastal? So are the Dodgers.

5. Ju only mention burritos, tacos, and that weird plato from Puebla that ju discover. Is that all the Mexican food ju taste?

6. Ju no spend jur time talking about all the food in New Jork. Gwhy? Because there is no Mexican food that the peoples crave here.

7. Ju talk about people eating Mexican food in their houses, not in restaurants. Excuse me, pero thas porque the restaurants here make me want to be from Colombia. Not only is the New Jork Colombian food better, but I could be like Shakira and have a soccer player novio.

8. Have ju ever eat at a Mexican restaurant in New Jork? Ju mus like stale or cold tortillas, food that is no spicy, something green liquid they call guacamole, and worse the gringo food with the melt cheese call Tex Mex.

9. As my compadre Victor say, the restaurants are BJOT (Bring Jur Own Tapatio). Is sad.

10. Ju say that if we don find good food in New Jork we are not looking too hard enough. How far do I haf to travel for a good taco? Corona, Queens? The Bushwick? El Sunset Park? If I take the train all the way to Queens I might as well get an arepa. I jus saying.

11. There are no enough Mexicans in New Jork to make the restaurants make the food for the Mexican peoples. Pero there are mucho gringos and mucho $4 margaritas and mucho hipsters.

12. I don want to work that hard. I don’t want to wake up at 6 in the morning to go buy tamales from a gwoman with a shopping cart on Broadway. Do ju?

13. There should be a Mexican Food Bible with the one of the Ten Commandments being not to mention Taco Hell in a conversation about the real Mexican food.

Okay, I feel better. I going to make myself a nice albondigas soup. Thas meatball soup for ju pochos. Gringa, have ju ever had it? Is good! I invite ju over, gringa, and I make ju some.

Sincerely,

Tia Lencha

Tia Lencha's Prove Your Love Salsa Taste Test

2014-02-09T09:26:00.001-08:00

Hola. Is Tia Lencha here. Happy Valemtines Day! I haf the perfect parry idea. What is red and espicy and uses a blindfold? Get jur mind out of the basura (thas trash for you pochos). Is the Valentimes Hot Sauce Taste Test. This is one test that is fun to estudy for!

What is it? Ju put numbers on little paper cups and then little bit of each of jur favorite hot sauces in the little paper cups. Ju can use Tapatio, Cholula, Bufalo, Red Rooster, what ever ju like. Then ju put a handkerchief to cover someone’s eyes and they taste. They try to guess which hot sauce is in each little cup. Fun, no?

How did I get the idea? A man propose marriage to me at Five Guys Hamburgers. Is true! I was order an hamburguesa (thas hamburger for you pochos). I want some salsa to put with my fries (it make the French fries more Mexican).

I ask for salsa packets at McDonalds when I go there. So I ask the guy taking my order at Five Guys for the salsa.

He say, “We have salsa. You want to try?”

I say, “Shure.”

Then he give me a little plastic cup with his “salsa.” I take the cup and smell it. “This is no salsa,” I say.

“What?” the guy say.

“No This is Louisiana hot sauce.”

He was surprise. “How do you know just by smelling it?”

“Is easy, “ I say, “It has a vinegar base and is thin, not thick like salsa.”

“Are you married?,” he ask.

I laugh. Mijo was standing next to me, he make a fuchi face.

“Do you like Mexican food?” I ask.

“Yeah! My favorite place is Chipotle!” he say.

Mijo and I look at eash other.

“Why do you like Chipotle?” I ask.

“I love making a big Nachos Bell Grande,” he say.

Mijo and I look at eash other again.

“Don’t they have those at Taco Bell?” Mijo ask.

The guy look confuse. As ju can see, there is no way I could consider him for my novio.

Then I ask the guy for ketchup, mayonnaise, and grill onions on the side. I mix those with the Louisiana hot sauce to make a salsa for me and Mijo’s Mexican French fries. It was good, but real salsa is better.

I give a little bit of my fake salsa to the guy who propose to me. He like it.

“Salsa has little pieces of onion or peppers in it. Is not like the Louisiana hot sauce. Salsa is like me, and hot sauce is eskinny like a eskeleton lady mijo’s daddy divorce. Ju understand?”

“Are you sure you don’t want to marry me?” he say.

I smile at him and go back to the table where Mijo is finish eating.

“Les go, Mijo.”

“I think that guy wanted to give you his number,” Mijo say.

“I no think so,” I say.

To prove his love to me, a man has to know the different between hot sauce and salsa, and he has to know at least four different kinds of hot sauces without looking at the bottle. And I cannot love a man who say he love Chipotle.

Red Inter-holiday Salsa

2013-12-01T20:30:00.002-08:00

Hola. Is Tia Lencha here. Ju want to give presens to eberyone on your Chrismas list or Hannukah or Kwanzaa or Reyes Magos or Chinese Year but ju are short on dinero? No worry! Tia Lencha is going to give ju recipe for to make the oven roast inter-holiday red salsa! Is nice! Is a good gift for the peoples! And is easy! No like making mole for Turkey Day.

I make this salsa to give to my comadres and the lob it. They have little hearts in their eyes when they see my salsa. They eat with almost eberything. They say they fight their childrens and viejos to eat the last drops of it in the jar. Is that good. Oso, it don’t matter if the peoples are no Mexican. The peoples at my job are no Mexican and they ask me for the salsa.

First to make the salsa for presents you have to go shopping for ingrediens and for the jars. You can find nice jars at the 99 cent store. Don’t be codo (thas elbow for you pochos) and put the salsa in a Cheez Whiz jar. Or eben worse, in a Pace Picante jar. I would be offend. Also at the store, ju can find nice listónes (thas ribbons for you pochos) to tie around the lid of the jars. If jur salsa is a present, then ju got to make it look like one.

Then ju go to the grocery estore. Ju buy tomates (tomatoes for you pochos)—they can be the plum tomates, or the fancier kind. It don’t matter. Ju buy 7-8 tomates, but make sure they are no hard. If they a little esquishy, is good. Oso, ju buy onion, fresh jalapeños or chiles serranos (depend on how espicy ju like it), garlic and two different kinds of dry chiles. Here is where peoples get confuse. But Tia Lencha! I no know what kind to get! Chile Mulatto, California, Chipotle, Pasilla, it don’t matter. Chut up and pick two kinds.

Then ju go home and ju espray a baking tray or whatever ju call it with cooking espray. Turn on the oven to 350 grados (thas degrees for you pochos). Then ju put the ingrediens on the tray that is grease:

7-8 whole tomates (washed, but no cut)

2-3 teeth of garlic

½ of large onion or 1 whole small onion, cut into chunks

1-2 fresh chiles

2-3 of the first kind of dry chile ju found (depend on how big they are)

2-3 of the second kind of dry chile ju found (depend on how espicy ju like it)

Ju put the tray with ingrediens in the oven at 350 grados for 30 minutos. Ju drink a margarita or michelada, or whateber ju like. Anyways, this makes one batch of the red salsa for to put in 3 small jars. Ju can double or triple the recipe if you want to give to more peoples.

Then ju take out the tray after 30 minutos and check to make sure the tomates are esquishy like… whatever is esquishy. Get your head out of la basura (thas trash for you pochos). Don’t tosh the tomates with jur hands, use the tongs. I don’t want anybody to write me saying they got burn. I give ju a coco in la cabeza.

Sometines the tomates come out flat on the tray. Thas good. Mijo says the tomates look like hearts. He so romantical because he like to send textos to a girl now. Instead of games he want cologne for his present. He don’t let me meet the girl, but ju know one of these days I will see her and inspect her like a tomate right out of the oven.

Oh, bery important. Let the ingrediens cool down for another 30 minutes. Drink another michelada, margarita, or whateber ju like. Then ju put the ingrediens in the liquadora (thas blender for you pochos) or the processor of food, or your molcajete if ju really Mexican. Make sure to take out the estems from the chiles. Nobody likes stems in their salsa. When the ingrediens are ready to mix, ju add salt to taste.

Put the salsa in the jars and tell eberyone that ju make Tia Lencha’s salsa for the present.

That remind me, I have to go make my list for Reyes Magos. I asking for a novio this year! And I mean a real one with nice hair, no like my comadre’s cousin Arturo who has what ju call it? A mullet.

Until next time! Happy Holidays and eberything.

Tia Lencha's Turkey Day

2013-11-02T08:16:00.000-07:00

Hola. Is Tia Lencha here. Sorry I no give ju recetas (recipes for ju pochos) for a gwhile. I was closed like the gobernment. Mijo’s daddy no send the cheques for the mijo support. I mad.

Then he go to my house crying because the eskelton eskank he marry left him for another viejo (old man for ju pochos). The viejo had more dinero and drive a troka (thas truck for ju pochos) with plastic bolitas hanging from the bumper. Oh gwell. In Mexico we say mijo’s daddy got put horns. Mijo’s daddy cry and cry but he no give me my mijo support cheque. I tell him my house is no LenchaCare. He need to pay. He say need money for divorce the eskank. I have to go to the offices to get him to pay.

Now is almost time for Turkey Day and I give tanks that I get the money for mijo. I get the idea for this receta from all the chocolate I eat for to feel better about the humans (me no like the peoples some days). Chocolate make me feel more nicer to the peoples.

We make Turkey in Mole Poblano Sauce. The Náhuatl peoples in México use to say it mulli and the Aztecs serve the mole to the important peoples on top of the turkeys. Mole Poblano is a thick sauce that has the chocolate and a lot of espices that ju makes by grinding ingrediens in a molcajete, but if ju don’t have a molcajete like the Mexican peoples ju can use a blender or a food processor. I understand.

Before we estart, let me splain that there are a lot of ingrediens. This is no receta for a peoples that only make Cup o Noodles. They say the receta came from a nun in Mexico who have a sweet tooth. So ju know she had a lot of time and that have a sweet tooth prolly mean she was mad at some peoples like me.

Before ju estart to cook, ju have to find all of the chiles. There are four chiles ju needs for to cook the mole: ancho chiles, mulatto chiles, pasilla chiles, and chipotle. Some peoples get lazy and throwing only one jalapeños in there. Is no mole!

Ju oso have to find the Mexican chocolate. Is no like the regular chocolate because it have toasted cacao, cinnamon, sugar and grinded almonds. Is sweeter and grainy like sand when you eat.

Oso, this receta takes many horas (thas hours for you pochos) to make. But ju can help pass the time by making jurself a michelada to drinks while ju cook.

INGREDIENS:

Espices:

4 table espoon sesame seeds (mas some extras for to garnish)

1 tea espoon black peppercorns

1/2 tea espoon whole cloves

1 tea espoon dried thyme

1/2 tea espoon dried marjoram

3 dried bay leaves, crumbled

1 (1 1/2-inch) stick cinnamon, broken into pieces, like mijo’s daddy’s heart

Other ingrediens:

6 dried ancho chiles

6 dried guajillo chiles

6 dried pasilla chiles

1 dried chipotle chile

½ cup almonds with the skin

1/3 cup pepitas (thas hulled pumpkin seeds for you pochos)

1/3 cup raisins

1/2 cup canola oil (or vegetable shortening or lard depends on how Mexican ju want to be)

5 cups chicken estock

1 slices white bread or 1 plantain, halved lengthwise

1 stale corn tortillas (from your frigerator)

1 medium onion, esliced eskinny (like the eskank who leave mijo’s daddy)

2 medium cloves garlic, cut real little (like the eskank’s heart)

2 large tomatillos, with no husk, wash, and cut into quarters (like mijo’s daddy’s monthly income).

1 large tomato, (chop the Lorena Bobbit estyle)

1 cup chop Mexican chocolate

4 table espoons sugar, plus more if ju mad at some people

Kosher salt, how mush you want

WHAT JU DO:

Take out estems and seeds from chiles.

Toast the sesame seeds and espices until the smell fill your kishen. Set aside the mixture of

espices.

Fry the pepitas, almonds and raisins. Put in the bowl with the espices.

Roast the tomates (tomatoes for ju gringos), onion and garlic until brown and soft.

Fry chiles in 1/4 cup of vegetable oil until crispy (when oil is hot)

Boil roasted vegetables and chiles in 4 cups chicken estock in large pot until soft.

Combine all ingredients in batches in a molcajete or blender and grind, then pass through a

estrainer.

In a separate pan, fry plantain or white breads until golden brown.

Put tortilla directly over flame and burn it.

Combine plantain (or breads) and tortilla in blender with 1 cup of water and blend. Remove and

Put on the side.

Add the tortilla and plantain sauce to estrained vegetable mixture in pot.

Add chocolate and sugar. Stir until it esmooth.

Put salt to taste and cook for 25 minutes.

To serve, pour the mole over cooked turkeys and put on top sesame seeds.

So ju can enjoy this receta to honor jur Aztec peoples, or if you are mad at peoples, or if ju want to make jur Turkey day more especial. Until next time when I make Mexican green eggs and Spam (for the budget conscious pochos).

Cinco de Mayo: Food Network Try to Be Mexican

2013-05-05T09:15:00.003-07:00

Oh. Hi. Is Tia Lencha here. Don’t talk loud. My cabeza hurts. Tia Lencha went to a restaurante with mariachis and micheladas and little mini tacos jesterday. She had more micheladas than tacos, and gwell. Is not her fault. The tacos were spensive and the size for the dolls to eat.

So she stay at home putting ice on her cabeza, drinking the water and seeing the Food Network on the TV. And ju know what? They try to be Mexican for Cinco de Mayo.

The first thing I notice is the Cacique cheese commercial a million times. Not estrange except that the voice of an Americano says to go “awtenteeco” like they are translating for all the gringos. Then what’s his name, (Aaron Sancho?) from the eshow Chopped appear and shows food and then says all the words in espanish right.

Then I saw the show Pioneer Woman who was making foods only for herself cause her Viejo and her hijos were not in her casa. She made gazpacho, some pasta with leeks (but only the white part of the leeks), and then she made “lazy chile rellenos.” Tia Lencha hate when peoples call Mexicans or the Mexican food lazy. Is like the chile rellenos were wearing a big sombrero and leaning on a cactus taking a nap. I was a little offend. Then, she takes the chiles out of a CAN and I get really offend. What kind of person uses chiles poblanos from a can? I don’t care if she’s no pioneers, I think she deserve a coco in la cabeza. Then, she makes a type of layering like lasagna with a lot of cheese and her canned chiles and she put it in a water bath so it don’t get “brown.” Are ju thinking what I’m thinking? Is that the reason Mexican food is no allowed when her Viejo is home? Anyways, I’m happy that she don’t cook Mexican food that much cause it sound very no bueno.

Then I take a little nap and wake up and see Paula Deen, salsa dancing in the kitchen with a chubby Latino guy she dug up, Luis something or other (she made him pronounce his name, and pretend to get all crazy in love when he say it). He wrote a cookbook and he’s from the Bronx. His book was about how to eat light. I don’t think the book was working for him or la Paula. There was frying food and a lot of flirting between the two gorditos, “Paula ju are so beautiful” and “Oh Louis this” and “Oh Louis that” And then she say that she can feel the heat from her deep fryer. I not lying. There was mucho mas innuendos. I couldn’t write them all down cause the room was espinning a little.

Then I was feeling a little like I was going to vomit so I couldn’t get up and turn off the Sandwich King. Me no like that guy. I had to lie on my sofa while he make a burrito with carne asada and cilantro pesto (no Mexican!) and a salsa (that he says is the best he ever tasted—cause he never taste my salsa, and he never gwill). Then he found his “cousin” Joe who looks Mexican but I wasn’t sure until that pendejo Sandwich King puts him to work grating carrots. Another reason I think his Joe is Mexican is that cousin Joe was guapo. Also, cousin Joe pronounced “elote” right and then said his name was “Jose” at the end of the show. I still no like that pendejo Sandwich King who kept saying “crayma” instead of “crema” and he say Mexican crema is “looser and tangier” than regular sour cream. I not sure if he talking about crema or the womens. Then at the end that pendejo say, “Happy Cinco de Mayo personas!” And then I go and vomit for real.

Then, I come back from the bafroom and I go to turn off the televisión. The nalgona who became the newest Iron Chef is saying that eating spicy food is like driving a little too fast down a road—just the right amount of bad. And then is eat some espicy lamb and say thas “just the right amount of heat” and she is sweating and she say I want more. Are ju thinking what I’m thinking?

The Hipster Taco

2013-03-30T16:53:00.004-07:00

Hola. Is Tia Lencha here. Today I going to help you make a new kind of taco. Today I saw my mijo making sonethng in the kishen. I so proud. He like to cook like his mama.

I say, “Mijo, what you making?”

He say, “ A taco.”

I see that he was using corn tortillas, crumble Oaxaca cheese, scramble eggs, salsa chipotle, and potato ships. I was confuse.

“Mijo, are ju putting ships in the tacos?”

“Yes.”

“Why you do that?”

“I ate one like this at the hipster taco trock” he say, looking like a little mouse that ate all of the cheese in the mouse trap and then runned away.

I try not to sound mad.

“How mush they charge you for a taco at the trock?

“Four dollars.”

“Four dollars!” It was like someone put a chili pepper in a part of Tia Lencha that was not her mouth. “Why you pay four dollars?! For a TACO?!?!”

I have visions of a skinny gringo with those dreadlokes or whatever they call thems in his hair, taking my mijo’s dinero while he was stealing his cultura. I try to calm down.

“Where was the trock park?” I ask.

Mijo look a little scare.

“Don’t tell me,” I interrupt him. “In the corner where all the kids in the tight pants and shoes with no socks go to drink the beers. You know they put the trock there so that people don have to go to a real Mexican barrio to get the food.”

“But—“ mijo try to talk.

“There are no real Mexicans there. Is like when Mexico was colonize by the Europes, then by Taco Hell, and now the taco is being colonize again by the those pendejos, what you call them? Hipsters!”

“Chill!” he say. “Is like when you help me with my school report on the Aztecs.”

“Oh,” I say. “When I tell your teasher his text book was imperialist propaganda?”

“This is just a taco. Here. I make one for you,” mijo said. “Try.”

I almost too angry to try, but mijo made it for me.

“I charge you five dollars,” he say.

He make me smile. I take the taco and bite it. Is okay.

“Isn’t it the best taco you ever had?” mijo say.

I swallow the first bite. I try to smile to mijo.

“Is way better than your tacos, right?” he say. He take a taco for himself and bite into it, saboring eash bite.

I almost spit out what is left of the taco in my mouth. I feel like my whole worl is upside down. All of the plastic fruit in my kishen seem to be hang from the floor instead of the ceiling. What kind of life is this when my mijo likes a hipster taco more than his mama’s? I try to make words to say, but then mijo starts laughing. His laughing gets more and more wild and loud until he starts to cackle like a brujo.

“April Fools!” he say.

I feel the worl turn up; the plastic fruit is hang right again.

“Oh, ju got me good mijo,” I say.

He keep laughing. I start to laugh a little too.

“You should know,” he say. “I would never pay four dollars for a taco.”

I smile. I teash my mijo good.

“What kind of ships did you put in the taco?” I ask.

“Jalapeño,” he say.

“Make another one,” I say.

And he did.

Secrets for the Mexicans for the Christmas

2012-12-23T08:42:00.001-08:00

Is Tia Lencha here! Feliz Navidad ! So people ask me, Tia Lencha do you have recipes for Christmas? Not really, I say. Instead I have some Secretos for celebrating the Navidad in New York City. There are no mucho Mexicans here so you have to be esmart about it so you don’t have the stress. And you need to have a Metro Card.

First, the are too many mucho peoples out chopping for presents. Tia Lencha don’t like standing in line for an hour to buy a sweater. Thas why I use more time to buy my mijo his presents, I give to him on January 6, the day of the Tres Reyes (three kings for you pochos). Mijo writes a letter to the three kings to tell them what he wants for his present. Instead of leaving cookies for Santa Claus, mijo leaves some grass in his shoe box under the bed for the camels of the three kings to eat. Then his present is put in the box with the grass for the camels. Like magic no?

I have two other big secretos (that’s secrets for you pochos) for the holidays. Secreto numero one: I don’t make my own tamales. I buy them from the lady who sells them near the subway on Broadway. She is from Puebla and she makes them with the mole poblano and shicken. Is good. Secreto numero dos: I buy my Rosca de Reyes from the Mexican bakery stores in Sunset Park. Tia Lencha say that time is spend going to parries is better than time spend baking. You know?

Speaking of parries, I had time to go to a parry with gringos last night. Here is what I learn. There were a lot of gringas who were so eskinny! I ask myself how they eat, because trust me, I wanted to feed them a torta! I notice the eskinny white girl tip numero one for eating is: they look escared of the food. There was shicken and macaronis but they act like the foods was going to bite them!

Okay, so when they stop being escared of the food, I learn eskinny girl secreto numero two: they pick the smallest plate and they put their food on it. Only a little food though, like they were going to feed a doll. They eat a little bit at a time, and go back with their little plate. They always look like they don’t eat a lot, and I stop counting how many times they go back to get more doll food.

Then I found another secret when I was estanding near the bar. (A course). I see that someone bring the soda Squirt with some tequila (that was no Patron, whish is the gringo tequila). I know right away…there was another Mexican in the room! It was a handsome young Mexican boy, kind of remind me of mijo.

I ask him, “Where you find the Squirt in the bottle like in Mexico?”

He say, “I buy it in Mexican Harlem.”

“All the way in the uptown Manhattan?” I ask.

“Yes,” he say.

“And the tequila too?”

“Oh yes!” he say. Then he say, “I love to cook.”

“What you like to make?” I ask.

“I like to make duck carnitas with crispy skin.”

There was prolly little hearts in Tia Lencha’s eyes when he say that.

“The secret,” he say, “is that I cook the duck with Manteca.” (thas lard for you pochos).

I love the duck and afraid of the duck at the same times. I not sure I can cook it or even eat it. Suddenly, I understand the eskinny girls.

“And I buy my tortillas from a tortilleria in Queens. Have you been there?”

“No,” I say. “Queens is far.”

“They soak the corn in limewater like they did in the ancient days,” he say.

I think of how I just make my own tortillas in my kishen. Then I think about how I buy the tamales and the rosca instead of making my own. Is this boy more Mexican than Tia Lencha? I ask myself. I feel like a faker. Then he make me a tequila with Squirt and I feel better. I feel inspire me to get me a Metro Card and get some tortillas in Queens and some Squirt in the Mexican Harlem.

I no get the recipe for the duck carnitas from the boy. He went to eat some macaronis and shicken and talk to some eskinny girls. It don’t matter, cuz some boys don’t talk to womens too much if they no want to be your novio. I understand. And anyways, Tia Lencha is no leopard.

Turkey Al Pastor Tacos for Mexican Thanksgiving!

2012-11-17T19:15:00.001-08:00

Happy Mexican Thanksgiving Day! Is Tia Lencha here. Gwhat is Mexican Thanksgiving Day you ask? Is Thanksgiving but with all Mexican Food. What?!?! My gringo frends say. Oh no! How you can do that! Is crazy! And Tia Lencha say, no really.

When I help mijo with his homeworks, I learn that Thanksgiving come from a Puritan Holiday in Englands. When it was the Reformation the Protestantes wanted to throw away all the Catholic holidays, even Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny!

Gwell, I no happy with that. (I think the Indios here in this country oso no happy with the Puritans who bring disease and then take their land--I just saying). Anyways, Thanksgiving oso is part of a festival of the harvest and for to celebrate special blessings. So to celebrate when the al pastor taco was invent and oso that the Mexican peoples were the first ones to make the turkey domesticate, I make the Turkey Al Pastor Taco.

Ingrediens:

2 ¼ pounds of turkey esteaks

10 chiles Pasilla

10 chiles Guajillo

2 peeled garlics

1 cup distilled white vinegar

1/4 de espoon ground cumin

5 cloves

Salt to taste

1 espoon oregano

1 large onion

½ cup pineapple juice

1/3 cup vegetable oil

Chopped cilantro (for garnish)

Limón (for garnish too)

1 can pineapple rings (optional)

First you clean the chiles and cook them in the vinegar. When they is cooked, you grind them with the garlics and the rest of the espices to create a paste. Taste to see if you need to put more vinegar or salt. Put the paste to cook again, stirring so that it don’t stick.

Put a bit of jugo de piña (pineapple juice for you pochos) with the paste, and smear it on the turkey esteaks, but you really have to rub it. Ja ja. Put the turkey esteaks on top of the other and let them rest for 5 hours. This make it sexy.

I use the turkey steaks cause they are easier to cut. Supposably, now turkeys are grow so they have really big breastes and cannot have babies even if they try. Like mijo’s daddy’s new gwife.

Oso, cause the turkeys don’t taste like nothing, they take the flavor of the espices very mucho. My abuelita tole me that in the ole days on the rancho, the turkeys taste good. She used to give the turkeys nuts, almonds, fruits, raisins, candy, and sometimes gwine to eat before killing them with her hands. She say she use to chase the turkey until she catch it and grab it by the neck. This remind me when my mijo’s daddy use to give me gwine before he try to do you know gwhat to me, which no too different from being slaughter. I just saying.

Anyways, after you marinate the turkey, you cook it with a little oil, but only halfways. Then you take out and cut the turkey in little pieces and you finish cooking, but you add the chop onion.

You serve with tortillas, and the chop cilantro and onion. You can oso have some salsa (no too hot for you pochos) and a limón cut in half. I oso like to chop and put little pieces of the pineapple in the tacos. Is good!

O, and Tia Lencha almos got a novio when she made these turkey al pastor tacos last year. There was a man who smell the tacos.

He say, “Oh Lencha, the food smell so good.”

I say, “Oh yes?”

“You make it?” he say.

“Oh yes,” I say.

“You want to go out with me?” he ask.

“Oh yes.”

Then we go out and he stuff me with food and wine like a turkey on the rancho. I know then what was gone to happen next. In his car, he put his hands on me like I was a turkey esteak he try to marinate.

I say, “Oh no.”

He say, “Gwhy not, Lencha?”

I say, “I no a turkey!”

He look at me like I crazy and he no call me on the telephone. Maybe cause he didn’t know the recipe?

Dia de los Muertos Q&A

2012-11-01T17:16:00.000-07:00

Happy Day of the Dead! Is Tia Lencha here. Many people ask me, questions about Dia de los Muertos. I answer the questions today.

Question numero one: Tia Lencha was Dia de los Muertos? Is it the Mexican Halloween?

Gwell, kind of, I say. Except that the Day of the Dead celebrations come from the indigenous pagan rituals that trace back 2,500 to 3,000 years ago. Way before Duane Reade sold Halloween candy.

Question numero two: Tia Lencha, was up with the calaveras? (skulls for you pochos).

Bueno, before Jesus came along, people used to keep skulls of their loved ones (and maybe not so loved ones) as trophies. They showed off the skulls during the rituals as symbols of death and rebirth. Kind of heavy no? I never say my history was all tequila shots and tacos.

Also, calaveras can be short poems, like epitaphs like to mock your friends. Like you can make fun of them on their tombstones. Like for mijo’s daddy, I wrote a calavera about him call “Oscar Meyer” because he like to stick his weenie ebrywhere! He no think it was so funny.

Question numero three: Why are the skeletons dressed up like people?

The Aztecs use to celebrate the Day of the Dead for a whole month and dedicate it to the goddess they call the “Lady of the Dead” who is the modern Catrina (meaning rich lady show off). The skeleton lady always wear fancy clothes and a hat. She remind me of the 24 year old skeleton my hijo’s daddy married.

Question numero four: What do you put on a Dia de los Muertos altar?

People put the favorite foods and drinks and photos and things that belong to the departed. This is to say “welcome!” to the spirits of the dead to visit you and the souls to hear your prayers and comments that you say to them.

As a little girl in the rancho, I used to eat the tamales and pan de muerto (bread of the dead for you pochos) that my mama would put out for my dead relatives. She always told me that the dead people ate the food first so it had no nutrients. I don’t know if it had nutrients, but it taste real good.

Question numero five: Why so many orange flowers?

In Mexico, people visit the cemeteries where their loved ones are bury and decorate their graves with ofrendas (offerings for you pochos), and they put orange Mexican marigolds called cempasúchil (which I can’t pronounce but is Nahuatl for "twenty flowers"). They also call them Flor de Muerto (Flower of the Dead). These flowers are thought to attract the souls of the dead to the offerings.

Mijo tells me his daddy buy a lot of flowers for his skeleton wife. Maybe to attract the soul of someone who make her eat a torta?

Question numero six: What are good ofrendas (offerings) for the dead?

Toys are brought for dead children and bottles of tequila, mezcal or pulque or jars of atole for adults. Families also bring trinkets or the dead person’s favorite candies to the grave. The foods used as offerings are usually candied pumpkin, a a sweet egg bread call pan de muerto (bread of the dead), and sugar skulls.

If you ask Tia Lencha, you only need the tequila, mescal, or pulque. No bother with the rest.

Question numero seven: Isn’t it bad luck to celebrate the dead?

No. Some people believe that if they have Day of the Dead skulls and things it bring good luck. Some peoples get tattoos or have dolls of the dead to carry with them in their purse. I going to get a tattoo of a calavera so I can get a novio. I tell you how it go. Okay?

Flag Salsa

2012-09-16T08:31:00.000-07:00

Happy Day of the Mexican Independence! Is Tia Lencha here. Today we make a salsa that is the colors of the Mexican bandera (flag for you pochos).

Tia Lencha is all dress in her green, white, and red to celebrate el grito, but all of her pocho and gringo friends is a little confuse. They are no in the streets today, wearing the big sombreros, fake bigotes (mustaches for you pochos), and drinking like pescados (fish for you pochos).

This is the day for the Mexicans to celebrate 200 years free from Christopher Colombus and his amigos, and Indians turning on their own people, and diseases, and dying by the millions, and survive only to be treated like caca by the colonizers. Thas a lot to celebrate if ju ask Tia Lencha.

Our amigo Napoleon Bonaparte was involve in our independence too. He decide to invade Spain in 1808 and put his brother José (who sounds Mexican if ju ask me) in charge of Spain. Thas when the Mexicans say, Orale! Is time to kick the Spanish out of here! And the Spanish say “Oh no.” And the Mexicans say “Oh yes.” And they did.

Speaking of asking Tia Lencha, a lot a people say, Tia Lencha can ju give me the recipe for pico de gallo? I say, which one? In my rancho, pico de gallo is a salad with cut up watermelon, orange, jicama, cucumber, and coconut with salt, chile and lime. But here in the north, pico de gallo is a fresh salsa.

So I going to teash you how to make what you pochos call pico de gallo to celebrate the Day of Independence. Are ju ready?

You get tomatoes, onions, and cilantro. If you can eat jalapeño, you get some too. You cut it. You put salt. You eat it with some tortilla ships.

Are ju tired from making this salsa? Have a cerveza (beer for you pochos). If someone ask you what you are eating, ju tell them is salsa picada, which means chopped sauce, or salsa mexicana or salsa bandera (flag salsa), because the colors – red (tomato), white (onion), and green (cilantro & chili) – are the colors of the Mexican flag. Viva Mexico!

Rajas con Crema for those who don’t Understand the English

2012-07-10T14:08:00.001-07:00

Hola. Is Tia Lencha here. Today I give you the recipe for Rajas con Crema. This was inspire by a trip to the store that sells Mexican things like dancing papier mâché skeletons, Frida Kahlo key chains, over priced things for the wall. You know, is like Mexican Disneyland. I went in looking for a rebozo to give as a present for my comadre’s birthday.

I find the skinny hipster girl behind the cash register and I say, “Do you have any rebozos?”

“What’s that?” she say.

Anyone who knows Tia Lencha knows that she wanted to give the hipster girl a coco in la cabeza. “What do you mean what’s that? Is…a shawl…like you call it in English.”

“Oh. No,” she say.

“No what?”

“We don’t have those here,” she say. And she turn around like we were finish.

“Isn’t this a Mexican store?” I ask .

“Um, you could speak to the manager if you want.”

“No, no. I just want a pretty shawl for my comadre,” I say.

“You’re looking for a present?” she say, picking up a necklace that cost $86.

“Is okay,” I say.

“Are you from Mexico?” the hipster ask.

“Me? A course.”

“I love Mexican food,” she say.

“Oh jes? What Mexicans foods do you like?” I ask her.

“I love chimichangas and margs.”

“Que?”

“Margaritas.”

“Oh.” I turn around to leave.

“I’m going to a barbeque later. It’s for vegans. Is there any vegan Mexican food?”

I think of all the poor little pochos and gringos that don’t know nothing about Mexican food. “A course,” I say. “You can make rajas con crema.”

“Rajas con what?”

“Crema. Sour Cream, but the kind the vegans eat. The fake crema. You say they don’t eat real crema right?”

She nod her head but still look confused. “I have to make something to bring,” she say.

“Okay so you know poblano peppers?”

She look blank but she say, “Yes.”

“You rinse them and you roast them…”

“I don’t have a grill!” she almos scream.

“No, you put them on the stove.”

“Oh. In the broiler?”

“No. Right on the burner.”

“You mean the broiler?”

“No. On the burner where there is the flame.”

“Oh, so the broiler.”

“No!”

We stare at each other. I make the gesture like I’m turning on the flame on the stove.

“You put them on the flame and you let them get burn all around,” I start to talk before she interrupt me again. “Then when they have char on all sides, you put them in a plastic bag to sweat. Then you can peel the burn part off. You take the seeds and veins out and slice them into strips, put some salt and add the vegan crema and you are done.”

She look at me.

“Easy, no?”

“Um, yeah. I don’t know how to do that.”

“How to do what?”

“I don’t want to use the stove.”

“Don’t want or don’t know how?”

We stare at each other.

“You don’t think you will get any rebozos?”

“No.”

“Adios,” I say, and I walk out of that fake Mexican store, knowing she will maybe take a bag of chips and a jar of salsa to her parry.

The New Chupacabra: Urban Mexican Food Legends

2012-05-12T09:20:00.000-07:00

Despite alleged sightings of the chupacabra throughout North and South America, biologists and wildlife management officials consider this creature that sucks the blood of livestock as a contemporary legend. Well, after filing away the chupacabra controversy, I challenge these dudes to investigate the following urban myths surrounding Mexican food.

Below are three creations that I’ve heard of that I didn’t believe could possibly exist, and thereby submit them to a more widespread investigation. Not only should we investigate if these foodstuffs exist, but also why someone thinks they are a good idea.

1. Tortillas in a Can

While I wasn’t able to unearth an actual image to prove it’s existence, I have it from good source in Texas that someone, somewhere was canning tortillas. Not tortilla chips, (which is scary enough), not tortilla soup, not tortilla toppings, but actual tortillas. This is a travesty.

1. A Margarita with a Beer

That’s a margarita with a beer dunked in it, thank you very mucho. Actually, no thank you. I was hoping this was a joke, or an accident that occurred last Cinco de Mayo involving a bartender and some dude wearing a sombrero and fake black eyebrows and moustache. However, it seems that people actually order this on purpose.

1. Dorito Burrito

First there was a burrito with Dorito chips in it. Now there’s a Taco Loco, regular Taco Bell taco fillings inside a Dorito Nacho Cheese shell. Orange cheese dust that gets on your fingers included. There are rumors of a Cool Ranch Taco Shell being rolled out soon. If this wasn’t invented by a stoner, I don’t know what is.

Tia Lencha's Cocina: History y Margaritas for Cinco de Mayo

2012-05-05T09:21:00.001-07:00

Cinco de Mayo Margaritas

2012-05-05T09:16:00.002-07:00

“Happy Cinco de Mayo! Is Tia Lencha here. Do you know why you are drinking? Or do you just see eberyone drinking margaritas, wearing sombreros, and saying “arriba arriba” or other things they say in the cartoons? Tia Lencha lobes her margaritas, but she doesn’t forget about her history.

Cinco de Mayo is not because of the Day of Independence. No, no. Is because Mexico had no dinero in 1862. They had spent all their pesos fighting in the civil war in Mexico and they owed their compadres in Great Britain, and Spain, and France a lotta dinero. Then they tole their compadres, “We pay you back later, okey?” and Great Britain and Spain say, “oh jes,” but France say, “oh no” and Mexico say, “oh jes,” and France say “oh no,” and sent a bunch of troops to defeat Mexico.

It was Napoleon Bonaparte’s nephew, Napoleon Three, who was the boss of the French. He was not so good at war like his tío. He use the same trail through Mexico that the menso Hernan Cortes used during the conquest of Mexico and and the some other U.S general menso used during the Mexican War. So the Mexicans saw the enemies coming and crushed them like a cucaracha in Puebla.

So the lesson that Napoleon Three learned is that if you are going to try to occupy a country, you gotta to do it right, and if you going to make a margarita you gotta do it right. Using margarita mix from a bottle is like him taking the same trail through Mexico that the other mensos had taken. Is no good.

To make a margarita, you gotta to mix it up. You start with fresh lime juice, some fresh lemon juice, and frozen lemonade concentrate. You put a splash of orange juice. Then one part triple sec (you can use Cointreau or Grand Marinier because is very good to use ingrediens with fancy French names don you think?), two partes of tequila, and mix with some ice. Then you take some limón and rub it on the rim of the glass. Then you dip the rim in the salt. Make sure to use course salt and not table salt. But even though I warn you, you gonna use table salt and it’s gonna get soggy and fall off. And your girlfriend is gonna say, “Eww, why you put salt? You know it makes my panza bloated!” But since you are probably already drinking the margarita, you don’t care.

Now to taste the victory of Mexico. Let me call my mijo. Mijo!” Mijo says he have a horrible day at school and can he taste the victory of his ancestors too. I say, no! Is for adultos only. You want me to make you some nachos? He say no so he get a lemonade.

Okay, I have to go break a piñata somewheres. Until next time, when I give you a menudo recipe for your cruda. Oh, and mijo says, “Don’t drink and drive!”

Make Your Beans Come True

2012-03-28T15:27:00.002-07:00

Hi. Is Tia Lencha here. Sorry I haven been on the blogue. I don’t like to complains, but I have a son, and varicose veins. But I have to tell you about when I was making a pot of beans and I remember the time when I help my hijo make his dream come true.

It was summer and I was still with mijo’s father. Mijo and I stayed at home during the vacations from school. Mijo say he was bore being at the house, so I say, “why don’t we make a project?”

Mijo, who was 6 year old, say, “Can we make something?”

Oh! So cute! I say, “Yes, mijo, what do you want to make?”

He thought for a little bit and say, “I want to make the perfect pedo.”

“A pedo?” Why not an airplane or a tree house? Why it gotta be that? But I remember the summer vacations in Mexico and how I played with the goats and killed chickens and had so much to do. Mijo didn’t even have a cow to milk, so I decide to help him make a pedo.

So I make a big pot of frijoles de olla, (beans for you pochos). I take a lot of beans and I sort them to take out the ugly ones, and the stones, and the ones that remind me of things I find in mijo’s daddy’s underwears. Then I rinse about 4 or 5 times to get all the dirty out of the beans. Then I put them to boil with salt and then with a chorro (splash for you pochos) of oil when the beans is almost cooked. I check the water to make sure it has about one inch over the top of the beans, and also taste them to make sure they are done.

When they are finish, I put them in a bowl with chopped up onions, tomato, cilantro, some chile (but not too much cause mijo is a pocho), and some garlic (cause mijo’s daddy don’t come near me if I have vampiro breath).

I give the frijoles to mijo. He eat them three times a day and he make pedos but he was sad.

“Mijo, was the matter?” I ask him.

“It’s not the perfect pedo,” he say.

I think back to what make me want to make pedos. And how the pedos help me not to have the sexy times with mijo’s daddy. So I make another pot of beans, but this time I put them in a bowl with the tomato, onion, cilantro, garlic, and the secret ingredient: cabbage.

Mijo eat the new pot of beans three times a day. Each time, he puts a little more cabbage in his beans.

Then in the morning, when he was sleeping in my bed (because the beans and garlic were making mijo’s daddy sleep on the sofa), mijo turned over and he made a pedo that was so loud, it woke me up, it was so powerful, it blew the colcha up in the air, and it was so stinky, I went running out the room.

Even though me and his daddy complains about his pedo, Mijo was proud. He laugh and laugh and never say he was bore that summer again.

2012-03-25T14:55:00.001-07:00

You say chelada, I say...tomata

The New Margarita

2012-03-05T17:58:00.002-08:00

Hola. Is Tia Lencha here. My recipe today is inspire by a gringo who saw me drinking a michelada with my comadre Mari Carmen cause it was Comadre’s Night Out. The gringo tole me, “Escuse me, is that a margarita?”

I wanted to say: No, is a Michelada, menso! But I think thas not classy and I put my hair all spray so I look classy. So I no say the menso part, even though I know he don’t know what menso means. And you know what? In that momen, I had a revelation, like when Dios or tequila speaks to you…and I know… is my responsibility to teash the pochos about micheladas.

The recipe for a basic michelada is:
1 cold beer that you put in the freezer or chill in ice
juice of 2-4 fresh limes
salt around the rim of the glass

But whats so good about micheladas is that it can be so much more. You can put hot sauce in it, or slices of chile, or sauces like Maggi, Worcestershire (thas a mouthful) sauce, Clamato, or clam juice. Some people put orange slices but Tia Lencha don’t know about all that.

You have to know when you drinking micheladas that eberyone makes them different. Sometimes you ask for a michelada and you get the beer with the Clamato. Sometimes they call a Chelada the one with lime and salt. And according to the Wikipedia, the Cubana has Worcestershire sauce, hot sauce, chile and salt. It don’t matter. No matter which fake Mexican restaurant in a strip mall that you visit, the ingrediens will change.

Here are some tips for ordering the michelada:

1) Ask how the micheladas are prepare before ordering if you don’t like spicy chile sauce in your drink or if you have the allergies.
2) Depending which fake Mexican restaurant you are, the chelada becomes michelada, and vice versa.
3) Even though micheladas are good for cruda (hangovers for you pochos), drinking them can also give you a cruda.

So after I had the revelation, the pocho, who was what you call it? One of those mensos with the tight pants? A hipster. He ask where the michelada come from. I wanted to say, who cares? Are ju a historian of booze? But I think it was Dios or the 3 micheladas I had that whisper in my ear, and I tole him, “Is the new margarita.”

Sexy Salsa for Valentime's Day

2012-02-12T09:28:00.000-08:00

Hola Amigos! Welcome back to Tia Lencha’s Cocina. I’m Elena Maria Celina Carrillo Martinez de los Angeles Delgadillo Trujillo…Lopez. But you can call me Lencha. Today my son is in his room reading his Naruto muñequito books, so I can chare with you my special recipe for Valentime’s Day. M’ijo don’t like it when I talk about sexy things because me and his daddy are divorce because his daddy like to stick his weene ebrywhere.

M’ijo usually checks my espelling but oh gwell. Since I have a little gwhile, I give you the recipe for Aphrodisiac Salsa.

On Valentimes Day of 2007 gwas gwen my fren invited me to a parry. I didn’t know what to bring so I made some especial salsa. This is a newsflash for you pochos y pochas—real salsa do not come in a jar. Mexican people make their own salsa.

I have to think how to make my salsa only red, so I have 6 tomatoes, roma (because they are sheaper and taste good). I boil the tomatoes with 4 tomatillos. Then I get some dried chiles anchos, some chiles California, or whatever RED dried chiles I found and boiled them oso. I put everything in the liquadora (that’s blender for you pochos) with 1 teeth of garlic, and a little piece of onion, not too mush because vampiro breath is no sexy. Then I put some salt, and blend it.

And then I say to myself Lencha, is not red enough! So I look in my kishen and then I see some chile chipotles in a can. I put two chipotles in the liquadora and oso some of the salsita that came with it. It was better, but still like it needed somesing you know? And then I see another pot I had it in the stove where I boiled 5 flores de Jamaica (hibiscus flowers for you pochos) to make as you would say, hibiscus ponche.

And then I have an idea. I think cause I was Indian in a pass life. Or cause maybe Indian people are really Mexican. I donno but I think of the peoples who worship Kali, the goddess who is represent by the hibiscus. The flower is use as an offering to Kali and to Ganesh, the god with the elephant head. Is so Mexican.

And then I put the boiled flores in the blender with the ingrediens for the salsa, and blend it. And then I stand back. The salsa is red now and I fell sexy you know? Then even though I’m NOT a bruja, I got a spoon and stir it the salsa, and I make a prayer, no, a incantation. I think sexy things, like when my mijo’s daddy would put his white chones with red lipstick besos on it.

And then I put the salsa in a jar with a red listón (is called a bow in inglesh). I went to the parry and ebryone say “Ooo, the salsa is so good,” and “I cannot estop eating the salsa!” They finish it all, and Tia Lencha didn’t even get to taste. And then, by the end of the parry, several peoples who had never been together were mashing together like they were making refried beans. Is so magic. The salsa was aphrodisiac. Even Tia Lencha almos got a novio. A gringo wanted to take her home, but she say no tank you. He had vampiro breath from the salsa.

So thas my especial Valemtimes recipe for you. Jus remember--consume responsibly, and bring some breath mints in your purse.

Until next time pochos y pochas, when we make only foods that have the letter X in them.

How to Make Nopales: A How to Guide for Gringos and Pochos

2012-02-09T04:51:00.000-08:00

Gwell, I am writing this blogue porque my son said that we went on the google because he was doing a reporte for school.
- Hide quoted text -

Y you know what happened when he typed “Mexican Chef”? He said a white guy from Oklahoma popped up first, like he was the most important chef in Mexico or something. So, he tole me I can make better tamales than this gringo with a white mustache and I tole him, yeah, I can.

My pobre son is a little pocho, so him and other pochitos out there have to learn how to make the real food from our homeland. None of that nouveau Latin cuisine shit. My comadre tole me I’m too Mexican for the Food Network. I tole her I don’t want to be on camera anygway cuz I hate my arms.

My blogue is not gonna be call “Spicy It Up” or “Super Delicioso” or nothing like that. There is no going to be no salsa music (whish is Cuban by the gway) playing in the background. Is just me, Tia Lencha, in my cocina with my apron and my son typing on his computer.

So my first receta is: How to Make Nopales: A How to Guide for Gringos and Pochos.

First, you buy the ingredients. Nopales are called cactus in English. If you don’t like the idea of eating cactus, go to Taco Hell. Y not for nothing, but people have been eating nopales for 12,000 years, which is longer than they’ve been eating chimichangas, or hot dogs or whatever you mensos eat.

Fresh nopales are shaped like the bottom of a huarache and have espinas (or thorns for you pochos) on them. You will have to clean the espinas by taking a knife and slicing the top of the flesh of the nopal (away from you) as you hold the upper tip of the nopal with your other hand.

If you are too wimpy to clean the espinas yourself, you can probably find the nopales cleaned and sliced in baggies. But they are not as good that way. The warriors and kings of ancient Mexico wouldn’t buy no cut up nopales in baggies. But you do whatever you want.

After you clean the nopales, you slice them in strips or little squares. Then you heat a little oil in a pan, and put some garlic and onion and then you put the nopales in to cook. When they are raw, the nopales are a bright green.

Now here is where you have to pay attention to Tia Lencha.

You let the nopales cook WITHOUT STIRRING THEM. If I see you stirring the nopales, I’m going to give you a coco en la cabeza. So to translate for you gringos, when you get the urge to stir the nopales with a spatula, give yourself a smack on the head instead.

Even though I warned you using capital letters, I know some menso, is going to screw it up and stir the nopales and then they will get slimy and then the girlfriend is going to taste it and say “Eeewww! Is slimy!” or “I don’t like the texture” or somesing like that.

And no matter how much you tell her is a great source of additional dietary fiber and calcium in her diet, she will never try it again. And she will go to Taco Hell.

But if you listen to Tia Lencha, you let the nopales alone and they cook and they get a little dark, like the color of an olive. You put salt at the end, when they are cook, and then you eat.

You can serve it with beans and a tortilla or you can make a salad with the nopales after they cool a little bit.

So, now you know the secret of good nopales, the food that was a little too Mexican to make, until now in Tia Lencha’s kitchen.

Until next time, my pochos and pochas, when we make a food that is also a tongue twister: Capirotada for Caperucita Roja to take to a wolf dressed as her grandma.