The Wellness Bible

Why Natural Treatments For ADHD Are Superior To Medication.

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Health Freaks) — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 17:02:00 +0000

Medication for ADHD has now reached epidemic proportions and as time goes by, there does not seem to be an alternative form of drug which would be less harmful. That is why more and more parents are now turning to natural treatments for ADHD. They are just safer all round and in many cases are just as effective.

The reason why this has been hidden is an obvious one. The drug companies are powerful lobbies and they know how to protect their interests. It is as simple as that.

Let us look and see why medication of ADHD with these psychostimulant drugs is not the way to go. First, the figures are alarming. I know that figures for Ritalin prescriptions in the US alone can reach the 6 million figure every year, that is six times what it was just ten years ago. ADHD diagnoses are rising by an average of 4% each year. On a more anecdotal basis, a pharmacy assistant friend of mine was astounded when she realized how many requests were being presented for both Ritalin and Adderall, two of the most popular ones on the market to-day.

Here are six reasons why these ADHD meds are not the complete answer although they can be very useful in the short term and in some severe cases. The can stop a child from dangerous impulsive actions and also calm them down. But, and it is a very big but, they also come with a wide range of warnings and provisos.

Six reasons to seek an alternative such as natural treatments for ADHD :-

the efficacy of the drugs is now questioned and the effects will wear off after three years (Dr. William Pelham, University of Buffalo and University of Florida).
there may be a link with cancer ( National Toxicology Program research).
there is a definite link with stunted growth and loss of appetite
side effects will vary but can be severe and these will include cardiac arrest, hallucinations, suicide and an increase in violent and aggressive behavior.
the drugs are using methylphenidate which is the same as cocaine and many of the effects are similar to some effects of this street drug
treating ADHD with drugs will not teach a child the behavior and life skills he so desperately needs.

Natural Treatments For ADHD :

Supplementing the child’s diet with essential fatty acids or Omega 3 actually can improve ADHD symptoms more effectively than Ritalin. This was the result of a University of Adelaide study.
Other dietary experiments at schools have shown that a healthier lunch with more fruit and vegetables had a marked effect on children’s behavior in the afternoon sessions. They were calmer and altogether more focused.
Homeopathic remedies using such ingredients like Hyoscyamus, Versa alb and Arsen iod and so one are much more effective and without any side effects at all. Luc Montagnier, the Nobel Prize winner in Immunology says that we should be much more open minded about homeopathic medicine. The pharmaceutical companies think otherwise and have even paid for research to show that these are nothing more than highly diluted substances.
Helping a child through ADHD behavior therapy is done, not with meds, but with helping to set limits, sticking to them, having proper routines and an ADHD friendly home. These will help a child enormously over time and should not be underestimated at all.
Children are usually much calmer when they have spent some time doing physical activities in the open so plenty of green time can be beneficial. Much better to do that than allow them use their electronic media at home!

Check out what natural treatments for ADHD are available and how you can help your child to cope with life at school and at home.

Kids Behavior Problems

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Health Freaks) — Sun, 09 Oct 2011 15:08:00 +0000

I have just read a very interesting article in The Guardian recently about what could be at the root of a lot of kids' behavior problems and how we can solve them. The main thrust of this article was how the consumerist society has put enormous pressure on parents to make up for lost prime time with their kids by buyimg them designer clothes, toys and technology.

At least that is the view of many parents in the UK. UNICEF also points out that the long working hours of many British families is putting enormous pressure on them and their children. The fact that the family structure has disintegrated in many cases over the last twenty years or so does not help matters either.

In fact the UK is scoring very badly according to a UNICEF report which puts the UK at the bottom of the table of 21 industrialized countries as regards the well being and happiness of their children.

But the survey also pointed out that things operate rather differently in Scandinavia and Spain.

In Sweden, first of all, advertising certain goods to under twelves is banned from children's TV programs and therefore takes a lot of the pressure off. Also there are more shared household and parenting tasks so that neither parent feels overwhelmed. That coupled with the lack of advertising flaunted at kids does help to ease the pervasive 'consumer culture' so keenly felt in the UK and some other countries too.

In Spain the situation is different again in that the extended family can often play a positive role in helping to rear kids so that many of the relatives including grandparents are involved in rearing the children.

When the children themselves were asked about kids' behavior problems, they were quick to point out that their happiness was dependent on several rather important factors and none of these include designer clothes!

Their main sources of happiness was spending time with their parents and friends and also having plenty of green time activities.

In spite of that the UK lags behind some other countries as regards kids behavior problems in that the parents just are absent, do not know how to parent or simply respond to the enormous consumerist pressure which is heaped on them and their children day after day.

Could Vitamin D Be The Next Cure For Cancer?

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Health Freaks) — Sun, 07 Aug 2011 18:52:00 +0000

I have just been reading the latest news reports on a natural cure for cancer. Yes, it has been found and not by some charlatan either! The work has been done by the research team at the University of Alberta in Edmonton , Canada. The actual cure is a simple drug which is already in use to cure disorders of the metabolism. The drug is called dichloroacetate, a non-toxic chemical and known as DCA for short.

Do you know what the problem is ? Do you know why the FDA will never bother to approve it ? The answer is the patent because it cannot be patented so it is of no use to the pharmaceutical companies. It would just not make enough profit at all. The infuriating thing about this is that there are no side effects and it has actually been shown to be an effective cancer treatment. It can actually cure cancer!

As regards the use of Vitamin D as an effective and valid cancer treatment, the FDA seems to be waking up and there are now over 380 clinical trials taking place to see if this is really a valid cure for cancer instead of chemotherapy.

They are looking at how Vitamin D whether through sun exposure or administering it orally can be used to treat any type of cancer including skin cancer. We shall see what the results of these experiments are. The National Cancer Institute and the National Institutes of Health are collaborating as well.

In the meantime, we can all get our daily dose of sunshine and make sure that our levels of Vitamin D are fairly constant throughout the year.

Now this makes a pleasant change from the normal FDA policy of shutting the door on all natural cures. This is brought out very well in Dan Haley’s book called ‘The Politics of Healing’. They actually banned ten cures, eight of which were for cancer. Subsequently he wrote about another two cures for cancer which worked and these were also suppressed.

The New York Times reports that cancer drugs, not cures are big business! “Virtually every large pharmaceutical company seems to have discovered cancer, and a substantial portion of the smaller biotechnology companies are focused on it as well. Together, the companies are pouring billions of dollars into developing cancer drugs."

It look as if Vitamin D might just might be the next breakthrough in the fight against cancer.

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Health Freaks) — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 21:28:00 +0000

Tired of Yelling at Your Child?
Stop Screaming-and Start Parenting Effectively

by Janet Lehman, MSW

If you’re a parent, you’ve probably been there: your child says or does something that pushes your buttons, and the next thing you know, you’re yelling at the top of your lungs—and she’s responding in kind. Afterward, you feel drained, upset and frustrated and wonder why it always has to come down to a screaming match. Janet Lehman, MSW, explains how you can move from being “The Screamer” parent to one who communicates effectively.

Yelling at a problem does not usually make it go away—it only makes matters worse.

Why do parents yell and scream at their kids? I think most people scream because they’re frustrated. At the exact moment in time when you lose it, you don’t feel like you have any other options; it becomes like a knee jerk reaction or a trigger being pulled. In other words, you don’t think about what you’re doing, you just respond.

Parents can also let incidents with their child’s behavior pile up. They go from situation to situation compiling their frustration with their kids. Eventually, they react by screaming rather than with a response that really deals with the misbehavior effectively.

I’d like to point out here that it’s important for parents to remember that we’re not perfect, and that we can learn from our mistakes. A periodic scream or two doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent.

I also want to stress that it’s okay to speak strongly to kids. But getting angry and then ratcheting up to screaming is not helpful, especially if it’s over anything and everything, because there’s no connection to the actual misbehavior.

My Story: “Homework’ for Parents

Let me tell you a story about my own family. I had a long commute home from work when my son was growing up, and from time to time I would be frustrated and in a bad mood when I got home. I would arrive late and find our adolescent son not doing his homework and sitting on the couch and eating and making a mess—usually with his feet up on the table. I like to keep everything in order, so this was extremely annoying to me. I won’t lie—there were some days when I was really tired and hungry and frustrated, and I did yell and scream at him.

After that happened a few times, I felt like my personal homework was to think about how to respond better in the future. The first thing I realized was that I needed some space after work because it was a time where my emotions were triggered easily. I also took some time to look back at my behavior afterward, and reviewed the scene in my head. I would sometimes go over things with my son and apologize for yelling and explain that I’d had a hard day and that I was sorry I took it out on him. If you decide to do that, understand that it’s not about getting forgiveness from your kids, it’s really just about owning your behavior, learning from the situation and trying to do better next time. Also, James and I made sure our son was held accountable for his actions. Getting homework done and cleaning up after himself were his responsibilities, and he knew that failing to do either would result in receiving some consequences. My goal became to stay calm and handle his behavior without losing control myself.

Are You a “Chronic’ Screamer?

If you find yourself yelling at your kids much of the time, understand that it empowers your kids in a bad way, because it gives them the message that you are not in control. And if you aren’t in control, they might assume that they are the ones in charge. Both of these are fairly dangerous messages, in my opinion. It’s also important to understand that kids feel unsafe when their parents have no control.

Success is feeling good about how you’ve done your job in teaching your child how to behave—and you can’t feel good about yourself if you’re screaming all the time. When chronic screaming becomes the norm, children are also apt to think it’s okay for them to scream all the time, too. You’re teaching your kids that screaming is a suitable response when you’re frustrated or overwhelmed. It doesn’t teach anything positive, just that life is out of control—and emotionally, you’re out of control.

Here’s the bottom line: If you use yelling to get your kids to comply, you’re not teaching them better problem–solving behaviors. Yelling at a problem does not usually make it go away—it only makes matters worse. And if they’re screamed at all the time, your kids will learn that they never have to change their behavior, they will just take the screaming and do what they want to do. Eventually, your child will simply tune you out.

If you find yourself screaming at your child frequently, it’s not going to be easy to stop yourself—at least not right away. Learning how to change the way you communicate with your child takes practice. You might need a bigger bag of tricks because your kids are going to push your buttons to try and get you to lose control—which is what they’re used to. But you can learn to have control and communicate with them effectively. Here are some tips that will help you get back on track:

Remember, you can always get out of a screaming match: Here’s a simple truth: if you’re caught in a screaming match with your kid, it’s always okay to stop at any point. No matter if the fight is just beginning, if you’re deep into it or it’s been going on for ten minutes, you can give yourself permission to stop and step away from the situation. As my husband James used to say, “You don’t have to attend every fight you’re invited to.’ Walking away from a screaming match will often stop the fight in its tracks, right then and there.

Stepping away—taking that time away from the heat of the situation—also helped me as a parent to figure out what my response should be. Sometimes it meant spending some time away from my child and then going back later and dealing with his misbehavior.

Wait ten minutes—or 24 hours: I think it’s fine to wait ten minutes—or even wait until the next day—to come back and talk with your child about his inappropriate language or behavior. Often, things with our kids are truly not that urgent. Most of us scream about things that are minor when you really think about it. They might feel urgent at the time, but that’s only because of whatever we bring to the situation—not usually because of our kid’s behavior. I also think that sometimes it’s good for a child to have to think about a situation or incident.

Disengage: A very simple thing you can do is count to ten while really disengaging yourself from the situation. So count to ten, walk away, go into a different room, do a different activity. Even if you don’t have a clue what’s triggering your frustration, if you know that you are overreacting, (and screaming is usually an overreaction unless you’re yelling at a small child running into a busy street) try to disengage.

Give Yourself Transition Time: Give yourself some time to transition when you come home. Take ten minutes to go wash up, gather your thoughts and then come out of your room and talk to your kids. They’ll act like they can’t wait ten minutes at first, but they’ll get used to it; they’ll learn to give you your space eventually.

Prepare yourself mentally: When I was on my way home from work, I also made preparations for how I would react. I would think to myself, “Okay, when I get home, if my son hasn’t done his homework and if he’s made a mess again, I’m not going to yell or scream. I’m just going to give myself time to unwind, and then come out and deal with his behavior.’ So if you know your triggers, you can plan your reaction.

Know your triggers: We all have triggers, and often they’re not the most rational things. I think it’s useful for parents to know what their triggers are, what sets them off. Is it the feet on the couch, is it backtalk, is it making a mess in the kitchen? Teach yourself what you can do when you’re triggered in order to respond more effectively.

Review the screaming match after the fact: If you’re working on staying in control, I think you need to really look at yourself. Start reviewing what happened after the fact and try to practice more effective communication with your kids where you’re not out of control. Sometimes just having more positive interactions means there’s less time for the negative.

Ask yourself what kind of parent you’d like to be: Very few people want to be known as a chronic screamer, or feel good about yelling at their kids a lot. Ask yourself what kind of parent you want to be. And remember, you can stop at any point and at any time to make these improvements.

Get support: If you’re trying to get more control and would like to stop yelling, I recommend that you talk to your spouse, or your friends, and really acknowledge all of it. I don’t think there’s anything to be ashamed or embarrassed about—almost all of us scream. Your spouse might have some insights or some ideas of what you can do; maybe he or she can even step in and help out next time when you start to lose it. They also might notice what some of your triggers are that you haven’t noticed yourself.

Parenting has moments of high stress, and let’s face it, we are living in a very stressful time. Meanwhile, life goes on—our kids continue to act out, fail to listen to us and misbehave. I think parents often scream because it has become an automatic response. We’ve often learned how to yell and scream from our own parents, but remember, you have more tools than your parents had. They did the best they could, but they had no courses on how to be effective; they didn’t have Empowering Parents or The Total Transformation Program. We have the benefit of knowing what didn’t work in the past and we have the power to change things. Changing the way we do things is a matter of mastering our self–control toward more responsible parenting and understanding that we have choices in our behavior.

Tired of Yelling at Your Child?
Stop Screaming-and Start Parenting Effectively reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

Janet Lehman, MSW has worked with troubled children and teens for over 30 years. She held various roles during her career as a social worker, including juvenile probation officer, case manager and therapist. Janet also worked as a program director for 22 years in traditional residential care and in group homes for difficult children.

Dealing with Child Temper Tantrums from Toddler to Pre-teen

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Health Freaks) — Fri, 14 Jan 2011 18:36:00 +0000

Dealing with Child Temper Tantrums
from Toddler to Pre-teen

by Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC, Member of
The Total Transformation Advisory Board

Why are temper tantrums so difficult for parents to handle? Besides the fact that they’re loud, annoying and embarrassing, we often feel it’s our job requirement to make our kids act the way we feel they should behave. If we can’t do that, we feel ineffective. We also don’t like the judgments that we imagine others are making of us when our kids are out of control. We don’t know what to do, but feel we must do something—after all, we are the parents.

And of course, on a deep level we want our kids to learn how to calm down and act “normally.” When they’re not able to do that because they haven’t yet figured out how to manage their own frustrations, it can sometimes cause us to have our own tantrums, which only adds more fuel to the fire. And when we feel a sense of helplessness, we often react by getting angry or giving in—and then we feel controlled by our kids’ behavior. But attempting to manage our anxiety by trying to control their responses never works. I think it’s better to focus on dealing with our own feelings of helplessness, embarrassment and frustration when our kids are having a meltdown.

Remember, you’re just trying to be the anchor in the storm that’s calming the system down. If one person in a system can stay relatively calm, that is the best way you can quiet any kind of upset or tantrum.

Sometimes parents ask me if there are ways to stop child temper tantrums from happening. I don’t really think there are—I think it’s natural to have tantrums. We adults have them all the time. We can lose our temper when someone cuts us off in traffic or when our kids don’t listen. Maturing is all about managing our emotions more effectively, and it’s a lifetime project. In my opinion, we can’t prevent tantrums, but we can impact how often and how long they go on by the way we respond to our children’s outbursts.

I think when our children feel that we need them to behave “our way” in order for us to feel calm, it’s a natural reaction for them to become defensive. You’ll see an attitude of, “Oh yeah? Nobody can tell me what to do.” Ultimately, they will just shout louder and create more of a scene.

We feel uneasy when we see our kids struggle, or be upset or uncomfortable, and this compounds the situation. As a result, we try to manage the anxiety that this provokes in us. When we yell or give in, we’re relieving our own distress rather than helping our children develop self control.

When Your Child Has a Tantrum in Public

When your child has a temper tantrum in front of others, there’s an extra element of embarrassment and shame that we feel as parents. I understand how that happens—it’s natural to react that way. We often think that being a good parent means having well–behaved kids all the time, so we imagine others are judging us by that standard. But as Total Transformation creator James Lehman says, “You are not a mind reader. If you try to imagine what others are thinking, 95 percent of the time you’re going to read something negative there. That’s because whenever we’re negative, we interpret other people's perceptions of us as negative.”

Look at it this way: the tantrum really isn’t about us, it’s about our child. While it’s easy to personalize your child’s tantrum and feel like it’s about you when it’s happening, trust me, it’s really about your child. Try asking yourself at those times, “What is most important, what others think of me, or what I think an effective parent would do right now?”

If you’re in public or with others, you can simply explain that your child is having a hard time, excuse yourself and move out of the situation. Leave the room, go to the car, or go home. Do whatever you need to do quickly and matter–of–factly. Remember, you don’t want to give the tantrum attention, either positively or negatively.

What to Do Before the Next Tantrum

Hold on to your principles: In a relaxed moment, sit down and think about how you want to behave under the worst kind of stress. This is really key, because if you’re going to go by your “emotion of the moment,” you'll often end up losing your cool. Consider how you want to react, and hold that picture in your mind. The next time your child acts out, do your best to remain true to that image of yourself. It may take some practice, but eventually you’ll be able to do it.

Know what you can handle: Be realistic with your expectations. Know what you—and your kids—can handle. If you try to go on 15 errands instead of one, many young kids will not be able to deal with it. If your child is a little bit older, let him know what you expect; prepare him for what’s coming. You can say, “If you fall apart or start yelling for something, this is what’s going to happen.” Tell him what his consequence will be—and stick to it. If you are going to a store and your child tends to want everything in sight, provide him with a way to cope with his frustrations. For elementary school kids, I think it’s helpful to have them bring a pad of paper and a pen and make a list of things they want. They can put things they see on their Christmas or birthday list. Smaller kids might draw pictures of what they’d like. I think it’s helpful to have a little tool box, so to speak, of things for your kids to do so that they can help themselves stay calm.

Try to avoid your child’s “triggers” if you can: Try to avoid triggers that you know will set your child off. If your children are older, you can teach them to observe themselves. Do this by pointing out what you see happening. You can say, “I know when you come home from school and you’ve had a bad day, you tend to take it out on your little brother. What can you do instead of yelling at him and picking a fight?” Your child might say, “Well, I can spend some time in my room listening to music instead.” Your goal with your child here is to try some new things to avoid his triggers, and teach him how to see what sets him off in the process. Physical triggers are also very common. For younger children especially, make sure they’re getting proper rest and food and that they’re not over–extended.

Plan ahead and give yourself a pep talk: If you know certain things trigger your child’s tantrums, plan ahead. Say to yourself, “We’re going to the grocery store, and I know what typically can happen there. So I’m going to warn my child and talk about what my expectations are ahead of time. If he has a tantrum, I'm going to stick to my guns.” Help coach him on ways to handle those triggers and let him know what you’ll do if he cannot manage his frustration. With younger kids, from toddler to the age of six, you may have to just physically pick them up and move them out of the store. Prepare yourself for that eventuality.

Be a good role model: Be a good role model in terms of your own behavior. How do you feel when you’re frustrated about something? What you do with those feelings is something your child is going to learn. Decide how you will behave, no matter how your child behaves. Step away from your own emotions to figure out thoughtful responses to these difficult situations. Ask yourself this question: “How can I calm down when my child loses it?” instead of “How can I get my child to calm down?” No one can control how another person feels, period. And the more you try to manage your child’s reactions, the more he’ll probably act out.

What to Do When Your Child Goes into Tantrum Mode

Here are some rules of thumb I’ve found to be effective when you’re in the eye of the storm and your child has gone into tantrum mode.

Get yourself to zero: The first order of business is to get yourself under control; get calm, rather than trying to get your child under control. Put the effort there. Take a walk around the house, count to 100, take your own timeout. Call a friend. Do whatever you can do to get yourself under control, but again, try not to lose your temper. Remember, you’re just trying to be the anchor in the storm that’s calming the system down. If one person in a system can stay relatively calm, that's the best way to quiet any kind of upset or tantrum.

Remember that you’re not responsible for getting your child under control: Remember, you are not responsible for the choices your child makes. Rather, you are responsible for how you choose to handle those choices. Try not to get engaged by your kids' angry outbursts. If it doesn’t capture you, it won’t capture them. Stay focused on staying calm. Do not react by yelling, worrying, hovering or giving in—all typical things that we do as parents.

Try not to lose it and have your own tantrum: This will only serve to escalate your child’s anger and frustration, and make him feel more defensive. Remember, anxiety is contagious, and so is calm.

Do not give into your child’s request: If you give in to your child's requests when he has an outburst, it will set up a pattern where you create more tantrums. In effect, you’ve taught your child that the best way to get what he wants is to scream, yell and be out of control.

Isolate your child: I don’t mean to put your child into an isolation booth, but rather, put your younger child in his room or in some spot where he can have a timeout or cooling off period and learn how to soothe himself. Make sure you’re not continually engaging him in his tantrum.

Fake it if you have to: There’s an old saying: “Fake it till you make it.” While you ultimately want to get calm, I think it’s okay to fake it until you get there. Of course you feel terrible inside: you’re embarrassed, upset and frustrated, but try saying to yourself, “I’m not going to react to these feelings because this will not solve my problem.” So in other words, you don’t have to be truly calm at first. You will have uncomfortable feelings, but it’s what you do with those feelings that matters. (And in the end, that’s the same thing we’re trying to teach our kids.)

Remind yourself that it’s your job to teach your child: Remind yourself that you are the teacher. Your children can’t handle these strong emotions yet and it’s our job to help them learn how to do that. Remember, they are testing you—and believe it or not, they truly want you to win this particular test. On the surface, your child really wants you to give in, but on another level, he wants to see that there are strong parents in the room. Kids want to know that their parents are sturdy, strong and reliable and are people who mean what they say. They don’t want parents who are going to fall apart. They need us to stay anchored so they won’t drown.

What to Say During the Tantrum

Be clear and calm: Be clear and firm with your child. They want to see that you’re in charge and that somebody is in control. That’s going to come through your voice, expression and body language. You want to communicate that you are not losing it in any way. Keep your center and be very firm. You can say, “We are not staying here. We can come back when you can pull yourself together. We are leaving now.”

Use empathy: When your child is in the middle of a tantrum, I think it’s important to be empathetic but not give in or lose it. If it’s appropriate, you can say, “I know it’s very frustrating, I understand you wanted to get this video game today.” Empathy opens people up to being able to hear us; if we don’t start with that, it shuts things down. I don’t mean that you should spend lots of time delving into your child's feelings, but a tone, a look or a word of empathy can go a long way when your child is frustrated.

The little question you should ask yourself: Ask yourself “What do I want to do in this situation?” Rather than “What do I want my child to do.” Just that little switch in thinking often makes a big difference. Because again, if I’m going to be working hard to get my kids under control, it’s going to be a very different outcome than if I’m working hard to get myself under control.

When Kids Don’t Learn How to Manage Their Emotions

If you give in to your child when he has tantrums—or throw one yourself in reaction to his outbursts—as he grows older and reaches adolescence, this will often turn into a chronic power struggle. Sadly, I’ve seen it many times in my practice. And temper tantrums in older children are no laughing matter. Your teenage son will become relentless; he won’t take “no” for an answer. Your tween daughter will wear you down and become an expert at manipulating you. Or your child might become aggressive and fight with you all the time. What these kids learn is that they can get things by intimidating other people. They will not have learned how to regulate themselves so therefore their behaviors will be very reactive and extreme. And believe me, these power struggles do become battles.

Just look at a two–year–old throwing a tantrum and imagine what a 20–year–old will look like. You might see him punching the walls, yelling, calling you names and intimidating you, and storming out of the house. And if you react in turn, on and on it goes. But here’s a secret: it just takes one person to stop this pattern, and then the whole thing settles down. So decide not to hit the ball back next time. Don’t let your emotions get the best of you when your child acts out. That will ultimately help your child to manage his strong emotions and frustrations.

So think about building relationships for the long term, rather than changing annoying behaviors in the shorter term. A lot of times, we just want to get our kids to stop the tantrum or acting-out behavior. We think, “I can’t stand this anymore!” or “They’re fighting all the time. It’s driving me crazy!” If we simply want to get somebody to stop doing something, we can probably get them to do it, but we may hurt our relationship with them in the long term. On the other hand, if we want to work on a relationship that is going to have longevity ten or twenty years from now, we have to think of it in terms of building on it every time we respond to our kids. We need to thoughtfully respond to them so that we keep the relationship intact. And the way we can do that is by trying to influence them rather than control them. Influence comes through respecting our kids and their choices, and not getting mad at them or taking it personally when they have tantrums. In my opinion, this is the best road to building a strong relationship with our children.

Dealing with Child Temper Tantrums from Toddler to Pre-teen reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

For more than 25 years, Debbie Pincus MS LMHC has offered compassionate and effective therapy and coaching, helping individuals, couples and parents to heal themselves and their relationships. Debbie also facilitates parenting groups and is the author of numerous books for young people on interpersonal relations.

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Health Freaks) — Fri, 03 Dec 2010 17:57:00 +0000

"My Child's Behavior Is So Bad, Where Do I Begin?"

How to Coach Your Child Forward

by Carole Banks, MSW, Parental Support Line Advisor

How to Coach Your Child Forward' alt='My Childs Behavior Is So Bad, Where Do I Begin?
How to Coach Your Child Forward' border='0' >“My child misbehaves so much that I don’t even know where to start!” This is one of the most common things we hear on the Parental Support Line, and it’s an understandable problem. Many parents tell me they feel overwhelmed, frustrated and anxious when dealing with their child or teen’s acting out behavior; they wonder how they’ll be able to tackle so many issues at once. But here’s a secret: thinking about the problem in this way will only make you feel defeated before you even start.

“Start where your child is and coach them forward.”

James Lehman says: “Start where your child is and coach them forward.” In other words, build on your child’s strengths and keep your expectations reasonable. We also recommend that you not try to tackle everything at once, but pick one or two behaviors you want to change and then move on from there. Remember, your overall goal is to see your child make improvements—it’s not simply to have your child do what you tell them to do.

If you feel completely overwhelmed by your child’s behavior problems, here are 8 tips to help you focus on changing your child's behavior, step by step.

1. Try to Have Reasonable Goals

I think that many times instead of trying to make gradual changes, parents expect that all the inappropriate behavior will stop immediately. The truth is, you might see certain behaviors stop right away, but it doesn’t necessarily mean your child will never act out again. It’s not going to be instantaneous, and it will take just as much practice on your part as it does on your child’s part. Change takes time. It’s not just you who needs time practicing new techniques. Your child also needs to practice so he can learn by repetition. The reason you want to ask for reasonable change is because your child cannot make major changes all at once.

2. Coaching Your Child Forward: Know What His Strengths Are

It’s important to have a good idea of what your child is capable of doing. Here’s an example: Some kids have an issue like ADD or ADHD. It’s important to get a really good understanding of what ADHD looks like in your child. Is it hard for him to focus and stay organized? Maybe he daydreams when he’s supposed to be working. Every child is different, and it’s important for you to modify your expectations accordingly. It’s also important for your child to know what his strengths and weaknesses are so he can recognize when he’s getting off track and learn how to get back on. After determining what your child’s strengths and weaknesses are, understand that he will make improvements from that starting point.

I’ve seen kids who are defiant or oppositional completely throw in the towel because they’re not capable of doing what you’re asking, particularly in relation to school work. That’s why it’s extremely important to find out what your child’s abilities are and begin right there. That’s one of the most important steps in making sure your expectations are reasonable.

3. Keep in Mind That Your Child is Working Toward a Goal

Accept that your child is working toward a goal. In other words, your child is probably not going to be able to stop his inappropriate behavior on a dime. If your teen is in the habit of getting his way by intimidating others in the family with his angry outbursts, understand that this behavior is not going to go away immediately. Work with him on making small steps toward good behavior. You might say, “You need to give me your cell phone for the next two hours until you can behave and talk appropriately.” The key is that during that time, your child is practicing this new skill. You’re not saying, “That’s it—you’ve lost your phone all day.” Many kids struggle with punishments that last too long and end up giving up halfway through. Instead, you want to have short-term goals throughout the day. Work toward short-term accomplishments and successes all day long.

4. Pick One Behavior to Work on at a Time

When I ask parents what they’d like to start working on with their child, many say general things like, “I just want my kid to listen to me,” or “I want my teen to do what I ask him to do when I ask him.” I think it’s very important to pick a specific behavior to start with and a time of day when it should be accomplished. When you’re just beginning to use the techniques in the Total Transformation Program, it’s important to put some structure in your child’s schedule or else you’re too likely to get into a power struggle with him each time you ask him to stop what he’s doing and do what you want. Choose a concrete behavior, such as doing homework daily, or being home at curfew, instead of working on your child’s attitude. You might feel concerned because you’re letting other behaviors slide when you focus on just one, but realize that your child is actually learning skills when he changes one behavior at a time—skills that he will be able to use in all situations going forward. Primarily, he is learning how to do what he doesn’t feel like doing, and that there will be a consequence if he behaves inappropriately. Make no mistake, a lot is happening when you choose one behavior at a time and work solely on it.

5. Start with Physical Behavior

Many parents ask, “Where do I start?” I always recommend that you begin with physical behavior first. It could be a safety issue, like your child sneaking out of the house at night. Many parents will say that back talk is the biggest thing they’re dealing with. It’s really hard for them to tolerate, and that’s natural. But if your child is not coming home at night, I suggest putting backtalk aside for a bit and focusing on making sure he’s safe and complying with house rules regarding curfew.

Physical behavior can also apply to kids who act out and are destructive or abusive at home. If your child is punching holes in the walls or intimidating his siblings physically, you want to start there. We recommend that you adopt James’ philosophy of, “There’s no excuse for abuse” in your family. Let your kids know there will be stern consequences for their actions and follow through on them.

A lot of parents will avoid tackling these big issues because it’s easier to pick something small than it is to address the big scary things. But if it’s a health or safety concern I don’t think you have any choice—that should always come first.

6. Can’t Decide Which Behavior to Tackle First? Get Some Help

There are some instances where you may be forced to deal with two behaviors at the same time. Let’s say your child talks back to you while you’re trying to help him complete his homework assignment, and you’re not sure which behavior to address first. This is where the Total Transformation Parental Support Line can be really helpful. We can help you determine, based on your child and what his overall behavior is like, what the best issue is to address first. We can tell you what technique to really focus on and which ones to set aside for later—and we’ll help you come up with a practical strategy.

7. If Your Child Doesn’t Seem to be Making Enough Progress…

A common stumbling block for parents is when they feel as if their child isn’t making enough progress. But remember, the goal is that your child improves—not that they will listen to you 100% of the time. It’s very different.

Sometimes you can change that by changing your parenting techniques and the house rules. Power struggles between you and your child will usually cause him to dig in and not cooperate. Putting more structure into place is sometimes necessary. You might say, “You have to do your chores Saturday morning if you want to go out Saturday night. Get started at 10:00 a.m.”

At other times, your child might be having real difficulty making improvements. James Lehman says we have to “parent the child we have and not the child we wish we had.” He reminds us that our kids are unique individuals. This brings us back to the importance of determining your child’s capabilities—again, be sure that what you’re asking of your child is reasonable.

8. Don’t Take It Personally

Many parents also get trapped in wanting their kids to feel a certain way. They want their kids to care about cleaning their room or to care about the effect doing homework will have on their future. The truth is, it’s not your child’s fault; he’s really not wired to feel that way yet. The important thing is not that your child cares, it’s that he learns how to do things even if he doesn’t feel like doing them. This is a huge life skill.

When you’re working to have your child’s behavior change, try to pay attention to what it looks like rather than what your child is saying. James says to ask yourself, “What would I see if I were watching this on television with the sound turned down? What would my child’s behavior look like right now?” I think this is a really good way to visualize what behavior is when you’re having a hard time separating it from what your child says or feels. Just ask yourself, “What is my child doing?”

Let’s say the sound is turned down and you see your teenager fighting with you, then he’s stomping off to clean his room. He may be sullen and have a bad attitude, but he’s also doing what you asked. Work on the behavior first, and the attitude will come. James says, “Don’t feel your way to better behavior; behave your way to better feelings.” And that’s exactly what you want your child to do.

Sometimes in parenting, it really is “two steps forward, one step back.” But remember, even if that’s the case, you are still moving forward. Yes, your child will challenge you. He’ll come back and test you to see if things have really changed; he’ll see if he can get you to go back to the way you used to be, particularly if he was calling all the shots. But stand your ground and eventually his behavior will change. One way to stay encouraged is to remember where your child started and compare it to the progress he’s made. It’s also important to encourage your child when this happens. Keep saying things like, “I know you can make improvements because you have already done it. Keep at this.”

"My Child's Behavior Is So Bad, Where Do I Begin?"
How to Coach Your Child Forward reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

Carole Banks, MSW holds a Masters Degree in Clinical Social Work from the University of New England. She has been with Legacy Publishing Company for four years working on the Parental Support Line and writing for Empowering Parents. Carole has worked as a family and individual therapist for over 10 years, and is the mother of 3 grown children and the grandmother of six.

Dealing With Anger In Children And Teens

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Health Freaks) — Fri, 08 Oct 2010 06:22:00 +0000

Dealing with Anger in Children and Teens,
Part 2: Effective Tools to Help You Handle It

by Q&A with James Lehman, MSW

It’s hard to get most adolescents to comply, but when you’re dealing with a hostile teen, it can be almost impossible. In part two of this series on anger and hostility in kids, James Lehman discusses concrete ways for you to break through your child’s force field of anger and defuse his hostility. Don’t give up yet—it really is possible to bring peace to your home.

EP: James, you’ve explained where anger and hostility come from in teens and how they use it to get out of meeting their responsibilities, but how do you get your child to comply without starting a fight every time?

“Don’t forget, acting–out people get more control by looking like they’re losing control. And what’s the agenda? To gain control.”

JL: I think compliance is a good goal to have when talking about hostile kids and teens. Remember, you’re not looking for friendship, love and affection. It may be there—and I think these kids love their parents—but it really has more to do with getting your child to comply with the rules at home and at school. What are the weapons hostile kids and adolescents use in that fight? I think hostile or defiant kids are willing to use anything: they’ll break things, they’ll call you filthy names, they’ll run away. They have all of those weapons at their disposal, but we as parents do not. There are a few things we do have, though, and one is that we have control over our homes.

I think it’s important for parents to take a stand. You might start by saying, “If you don’t do your homework, you’re going to lose your cell phone until your homework is handed in.” Now, while some kids will answer you with, “All right, sure, I’ll take care of it,” hostile kids will respond by saying, “It’s none of your business. It’s my grade; don’t bother me.” When you go to take their cell phone from them, if they slap your hand or push it away or act out in any way, my advice is that you call the police. In other words, you get the external controls you need, the external support you need to at least be able to control your own home. That’s the first step.

EP: OK, I want to come back to that point later. What if your child is also hostile to his siblings?

JL: If there are other siblings in your home, have a safety plan for them. “If Johnny freaks out, what can you do?” Make the plan the safest, most helpful thing for your children to do. An example might be that they can go to their rooms and play or read a book. In the moment an argument is happening, you can say, “Go to your room and read a book while I deal with Johnny.” That gets your other kids out of the way.

EP: Do you recommend explaining to your hostile child what the new rules are, so to speak?

JL: Definitely. I think you can talk to your child about it directly. You can say, “You’re striking out at me; you’re hateful to me and to the rest of the family. When you’re hostile, this is what’s not going to happen. If you want a ride to school, if you need a ride to practice, if you want to go out, if you want to go do something, if you want permission to go to parties or anything, you’re not going to get it. You need to learn how to make requests, not demands.”

And ask yourself what your child can replace the hostility with if he doesn’t like what’s going on. How can he learn to behave differently? With the kids I worked with, I would suggest that they keep a journal and write down their hostile feelings. They were able to take a timeout and write without a consequence. By the way, if your child requests a timeout, he should never be given consequences. If he says, “I need a break right now” and goes to his room, he should never be punished for that unless he’s trying to manipulate you to get out of a chore. Remember, a timeout is a coping skill. We hope kids learn to take them on their own. During a timeout, what happens is you unwind from over–stimulation until you’re calm and composed enough to see what’s really going on. It gives you a chance to let go of your own thinking errors and distorted thinking.

A lot of kids get really over–stimulated, and I believe that’s where the angry acting out often comes from. When I would work with kids in my office, I would tell them, “Any time you want to take a break, you just let me know and go sit in the other room. That’s fine with me. But understand, when you come back, we still have to deal with this.” I used to say, “If you act out and are angry here, don’t blame me. I gave you an option.” Just giving your child that option also gives them the power to exercise it.

By the way, if your child takes a timeout during homework time, then he has to make that time up later on. So if he’s supposed to be doing an hour of homework at the kitchen table and he takes a timeout for 15 minutes because something bothers him, then he has to make up those 15 minutes later. In the same way, if your child takes a timeout when he’s doing chores, then he has to come back and finish his chores.

EP: Is there anything else you can do to get your child to comply?

JL: I think that if your kid is really hostile, angry and defiant all the time, you may need some professional help to deal with him. If you try taking him to a therapist, give the treatment a certain amount of time. I’d say six or eight weeks is enough time for the therapist to get him to work on his hostility. If you don’t see any changes in that amount of time, I would look for someone else.

I think it’s also important to get help with your parenting skills when you have a hostile or defiant child. The bottom line is that you need to more effectively parent a child with this pattern of relating to others. You’ll see that a hostile kid is hostile to everybody. He’ll be hostile to you, to his teachers, to the cops. You’ve got two choices: your child can go to a counselor for an hour every week in the hopes that he’ll learn some coping skills and apply what he’s learned at home, or you can get the effective parenting skills you need to help create change where it counts. In my practice, I did both. I met with kids and I met with parents. And I would give parents the skills to orchestrate what they needed to do to promote change at home.

By the way, I always counseled parents to give their child a carrot big enough to make them want to change. This might include getting their driver’s permit, or having access to electronics or use of the car. And tell your child, “These are things I’m not going to do if you’re hostile. I’m not going to sign for you to take driver’s ed. I’m not going to let you get your driver’s permit.” If your adolescent is younger, then it can be, “I’m not going to let you go on the class trip. I’m not going to let you go to the junior high dance and football game.” Just remember, the carrot alone is not enough to create changes. You will need to coach your child to use their coping skills.

EP: Let’s say you want to make these changes but in the meantime, whenever your child comes into the room they fill the air with bad attitude. Do you recommend that parents just ignore that and talk to their kids normally?

JL: Yes, I would just keep giving them direction. I wouldn’t ask things like, “What’s wrong?” I wouldn’t inquire into their attitude. I would say, “All right, it’s four o’clock. You need to go to do your homework now, Jessica.”

Kids will walk around with a contemptuous attitude, and it does affect everybody and everything. But in my opinion, you just keep them focused on the task at hand. If they start making negative comments, say “Look, why don’t you go to your room until you’re ready to speak like the rest of us.”

EP: If you have an angry child, is there any way to calm them down during an outburst?

JL: I think the best way to handle their anger is to say what you have to say and then get out of the discussion. I recommend that you say something like: “I’m not going to talk to you till you calm down,” then turn and leave the room. If your adolescent yells at your back or calls you a name as you’re walking out of the room, don’t respond to him. Don’t argue; don’t turn around—don’t do anything. Just keep walking. If you have to get in your car and drive around the block, then do it as long as there are no small children in the house. But the point is to keep walking. Go to your bedroom and stay there for a few minutes.

Again, the idea is that once he’s in that angry, agitated state, he’s thinking that you’re the enemy, that you don’t understand, and he’s blaming you, his teachers, and other authority figures. He sees himself as the victim, and there’s nothing you can do face–to–face that’s going to take that away. People believe what they think, and teenagers believe what they think a lot more than they believe what their parents say. If a teenager thinks something isn’t too risky, it doesn’t matter if their parents say it’s a crazy stunt. Believe me, on a good day adolescents can hardly hear their parents beyond their own thinking errors and the way they view the world. So they believe what they think.

As soon as you extract yourself from the argument, there’s nothing to yell about. Your child may walk around the house shouting for a few more minutes, but the thing is, if you don’t respond to it, eventually he’s going to quiet down—or escalate.

EP: That brings us back to what you started talking about before…what should you do when your child escalates?

JL: I think it’s very important for parents to understand that their child might escalate his behavior. When you refuse to argue, some kids will break something or do something destructive. In my opinion, that’s when you call the police. Get them to help you because if your child is behaving this way, he’s out of control. When you call the police, say, “I don’t feel safe here; my son is out of control.”

Don’t try to talk your child out of his anger; don’t try to reason him down. Reasoning just gives your child a feeling of false power, and more of a sense that he’s in control and you’re not. What he hears you saying is, “You have huge shoulders Johnny; you have such big muscles. You’re so powerful.”

EP: James, in that case, do you think asking your child about his feelings tends to make things worse?

JL: In my experience, the more you ask what’s going on, the more your child will simply state his case; in fact, he’ll scream his case if you let him. The truth is, some kids want to appear out of control whether or not they are. Don’t forget, acting–out people get more control by looking like they’re losing control. And what’s the agenda? To gain control.

If you think you have to accept this type of hostile, defiant or angry attitude in order to be loved, that’s called co–dependency. In a co–dependent relationship, you have to fulfill a certain role in order to be loved. That’s one of its main definitions. An example might be, “You’ll love me as long as I make excuses for your alcoholism.” With a child, it’s “You’ll love me as long as I put up with your garbage.”

Personally, I think parents should try to maintain their dignity and self–respect. Remember, as I said before, kids want to love the people they respect. And they’ll find things to love about you when they do.

Dealing with Anger in Children and Teens, Part 2: Effective Tools to Help You Handle It reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

James Lehman was a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James held a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.

Consistent Parenting - Unlock The Secret

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Health Freaks) — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 10:02:00 +0000

Consistent Parenting: Unlock the Secret

by James Lehman, MSW

"Being consistent is the hardest thing of all," many parents tell us. And it's so true—it’s easy to lay down a rule and then let it slide when you’re tired or in a hurry. In this article, James Lehman explains why consistency is the key to your child’s behavior—and tells you ways to keep on track when you feel like giving up.

I don’t think beating yourself up is the answer to anything. I think that shame and remorse only make the problem worse; they only make you angrier on the inside as a person.

When your child is young, he starts to learn simple math. The way he learns is through a process called “rehearsal and repetition.” At first, simple addition and subtraction are the most alien concepts in the world to him. But slowly, he begins to understand that two and two equal four—and then he builds on that knowledge. Consistency is imperative. Look at it this way: what if two and two didn’t always make four? How would your child learn addition if the rules were always changing? If that was the case, he would never learn how to solve math equations correctly or adapt his learning to tackle more complex problems. This learning process is called “internalization” because your child takes it from the outside in; it becomes part of him on the inside.

Consistency is one of the main requirements for kids to learn how to predict things. In other words, I can predict that two and two equal four. Can I predict how my mother is going to act if I throw a tantrum? Can I predict how my father will react if I’m late for school? Can I predict how my parents are going to act if I don’t do my homework? Let’s face it, predictability is one of the foundations of our society—that’s why we’re disturbed when the trains don’t run on time or the post office isn’t open. For kids, inconsistency produces anxiety. Think of it this way: what if your boss was nice one day and mean the next? What if she said “good job” to you and then turned around and said “that’s unacceptable” after you performed the same task the exact same way? Or what if your employees showed up to work sometimes, but didn’t show up other times?

Kids need to be able to predict that two and two are going to be four the same way they need to be able to predict what time they’re going to go to bed, how they’re going to be dealt with if they curse, and what’s going to happen if they don’t do their homework. Consistency is a key learning tool for your child, because when something is consistent, he can rehearse it and incorporate it inside of himself until it becomes a part of him.

Let’s look at it this way. What if one day you don’t clean your room and your mother yells and screams at you to “get in there and pick things up”? And what if the next day, she’s in a hurry so she picks it up for you? And then, what if two days later she yells at you again? And then on Saturday, she picks it up for you because company is coming over. What are you learning?

Most kids learn that if they put up with their mom yelling at them a little bit, eventually she’ll clean their room. The other thing that happens is that they don’t know how their parents are going to react; they’re effectively learning how to live with anxiety and chaos. They’re learning that the world is not predictable and adult responses can’t be gauged. As a result, different characteristics develop in different kids. Some become aggressive and hostile, while others become compliant and passive. All of them learn to deal with unpredictability, which again, creates anxiety. Kids have to develop the capacity to deal with anxiety when they’re young, so this can be overwhelming to their defenses. Sadly, they often wind up solving problems using inappropriate behavior.

Why Is Consistency the Hardest Thing for Most Parents?

Why is it so hard for parents to be consistent? First of all, parents are human. Unless we really push and train ourselves, I think it’s easy to get off track. To a parent, expediency often takes the place of consistency. It’s quicker to pick up your child’s room yourself when you’ve got company coming over than it is to get your son to take responsibility for it. Quite a few parents have told me things like, “I get so frustrated that my daughter won’t do what I’ve told her to do a thousand times that I start screaming at her.”

I also believe that many parents, through no fault of their own, don’t really have an understanding of how important consistency is. A majority of the families I saw in my therapy practice were in the dark about it, so I worked with them to give them the tools they needed. I said, “This what’s going on here: If you yell at your child for two days because he’s not doing his chores, then you do his chores for him the next two days, and the following day, you punish him, you’re going to raise a child who learns that nothing anyone does is predictable. And if things aren’t predictable and he can’t internalize problem-solving and social skills, he also won’t be able to internalize the values, knowledge and experiences that it will take to shape his behavior.”

Again, internalization, rehearsal and repetition—these are the keys to learning. Believe me, if the parents I worked with thought anything was hurting their kids, they would do their best to try to change it. But many saw inconsistency as just being human—and in a sense, they were right. They were overworked, overwhelmed and often exhausted. But the bottom line is that choosing expediency over consistency has an effect on your child’s behavior and character. The truth is, many children today are aggressive and destructive, and this emanates in part from inconsistent parenting.

It’s easy for parents to beat themselves up when they get this information. Maybe some social worker, psychologist or teacher is telling them that they’re not consistent enough at home. It’s easy to feel beat up, resentful, and overwhelmed. But the bottom line is, parents often blame themselves and feel like they’re not doing a good job. Sometimes they blame their child, or the counselor for not understanding what it’s like for them.

But here’s the deal: I don’t think beating yourself up is the answer to anything. I think that shame and remorse only make the problem worse; they only make you angrier on the inside as a person.

I understand that parents do get worn down; often they’ll try to be consistent, but if they don’t see change right away, they give up. Personally, I think giving up after a few days or weeks is one of the biggest mistakes you can make as a parent. Changing a behavior takes a long time and it takes consistent application of new principles and ideas in order for kids to incorporate them on the inside. And until then, your child needs a parent to structure his life and set limits on him, because he’s a kid—not a little adult. Children don’t think like adults, they don’t see the world the same way as adults do, and they don’t experience things the way we do.

A young child’s mind works very differently from ours, and so does an adolescent’s. Until their early twenties, kids’ minds are constantly shifting and changing in the way they operate. If you talk to a guy who’s 21, he usually wants the same thing as a kid who’s 16 does: a car, an apartment, a girlfriend, a stereo system. He hasn’t changed very much; he’s not yet an adult. If you talk to that same person when he’s 30, he’ll say he wants security and predictability. Perhaps he wants a career that’s worthwhile, or wants to make some money. He’s thinking about saving money, investing in things, and his future. Most 22 year olds aren’t thinking along those lines yet because their brains are still developing.

What You Can Do to Become More Consistent

Rely on Simple, Concrete Ideas: It’s so important to keep it as simple as possible. For instance, I used to have parents write down the rules that they thought were appropriate, and then we’d go over them. Afterward, they would start to follow what they had written down at home. This is effective because then it isn’t left up to your imagination or to memory. You have a list. I would ask parents to consider the following and supply me with an answer:

What time is bed time?

What time is hygiene time in the bathroom?

What time is homework time?

What are the rewards?

What are the consequences?

All of these rules were written down on a piece of yellow paper, and then the parents began to incorporate them. I advised parents to read this list out loud to themselves every morning. Some thought that was crazy. They’d say, “How can I do that? I’ll feel stupid.” But the concept of rehearsal and reinforcement is important with parenting, too. As a parent, you need to rehearse this new information. The process of reading it out loud reinforces your new techniques and rules. Then you put them into practice. The day will come when you don’t need to read your list out loud, because you’ll be living it. It’s a simple tool but it’s one thing I teach parents in order to help them be more consistent.

Get the Support You Need: If you don’t understand how important consistency is and you don’t know how to apply it on a regular basis in your home, you need to get help. There are parenting programs, classes, support groups and professionals out there who can help you.

Setting Down the New Rules

Parents ask me if they should sit down with their kids immediately and tell them what the new household rules are. I think that the last thing that you want to do is make a big announcement to your kids about all the changes that will be taking place, and then not follow through. What tends to happen is that you’ll feel better for a little bit, but then when you don’t follow through, it falls apart. Instead, the first thing you should do is start instituting your new rules.

Expect resistance, depending upon the age of your child. If they’re five or six years old, expect tantrums. If your children are older, expect arguments and door-slamming. Although it might not feel like it at the time, these are all signs that your new techniques are working. Your child might push back, but stick to your guns.

After you start to successfully implement the new laws in your home, you can begin to talk to your kids about the changes. If you have a pre-adolescent or teen in the house, I think it is important to sit down when things are going well and say, “I’m going to be doing things more consistently from now on. I haven’t really followed through and I’m not comfortable with the way I’ve been setting the rules down. So from now on, curfew means curfew. If you come in two minutes after curfew or one minute after curfew, there will be consequences. If you come in on curfew or before, there will be a reward—and the rewards is that you get to go out again next Saturday night. Your room has to be clean by this time. Homework has to be done by this time. Your grades have to be maintained at this level in order for you to drive or to go out on the weekends at night.”

The older the child, the more resistance you will face. Expect to be tested. In fact, whether your child is four or fourteen, expect to be tested. Above all, don’t give in— the testing will diminish in time.

The other thing you need to ask yourself is, “Are my expectations realistic? Am I being consistent about the right things?” If you’re being consistent about a seven o’clock bedtime for a young child, that’s great. If you’re being consistent about a seven o’clock bedtime for a 13-year-old, I think you should take another look at that.

Remember, parenting, just like childhood, is a dynamic that keeps developing. It takes constant readjustments, flexibility and firmness. In the end, there is no “secret” to consistency—it’s just the willingness of a parent to take the time to stick to the rules they’ve laid out for their child. The benefits of consistent parenting are that your child will internalize your rules and values over time and learn to do things with simple reminders rather than conflict.

Consistent Parenting: Unlock the Secret reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

Restless and Bored: How to Use Structure to Keep Your Child from Getting into Trouble This Summer

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Health Freaks) — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 15:59:00 +0000

Restless and Bored: How to Use Structure to Keep Your Child from Getting into Trouble This Summer

by Erin Schlicher, Parental Support Line Advisor

Summer vacation has arrived, and so have calls to the support line from parents who are pulling their hair out about their kids now that school is out. Why is the end of school an invitation for kids to cause trouble—with siblings, friends and parents?

Kids often see the summer months as a time to do whatever they please, with no responsibilities or academic pressures. Some kids expect an endless range of fun activities—and besides that, they’re hanging out with friends, sleeping until noon, and might see an easing of the rules as their reward for making it through another school year. Your child might be imagining a summer that reality can rarely deliver, which sets them up to be let down. The change in routine alone can be sufficient to throw some kids off-kilter. When you combine these factors—expectations and a change in schedule—with an increase in family togetherness (or claustrophobia, depending on how you look at it), it’s only a matter of time before the level of conflict rises in your home.

Is it best to have some kind of structure in place during the summer? How do you balance it with free time?

"When you combine these factors—expectations and a change in schedule—with an increase in family togetherness...it’s only a matter of time before the level of conflict rises in your home."

Having some amount of structure in the summer is helpful for most families. Determining how much structure to put into place will depend on the individual needs of your children. Some kids typically do well with less structure and are able to spend their time engaging in acceptable ways, but many others don’t. If your children tend to act out and get into trouble if left to their own devices, then planning out a detailed summer schedule of activities might be the solution. It requires some work up front, but it can prevent many problems from arising along the way. Work with your child to create a list of activities that they are interested in doing. Some might involve weekly lessons and practice times, while others are more flexible. Schedule the morning, midday, and evening routine, including mealtimes, designated chore time, activities and free time. Post the schedule in a spot where family members can easily reference it. This may sound too rigid for your child. But look at it this way: if the summer has begun, and your child is already bored, isn’t helping out at home and is causing trouble with siblings and friends, consider setting up a structure that is similar to what they’re used to at school. At school, there are set times for different subjects and activities. James Lehman’s opinion is that planning out a schedule for your child at home will help manage his behavior. You can avoid power struggles by deferring to the schedule when your child needs help staying on-task. The intention is not to be overly strict or inflexible, but rather to help teach children how to manage their time effectively.

Ideally, there should be a mix of both planned activities and down time. The specifics of what this will look like will depend on the age and needs of your kids. However, here is an example of a scheduled summer day for a 5 to 12 year old child:

7:30am- Wake up, dress, breakfast

9:00am- Outdoor play/exercise (weather permitting) around the house or at local playground

10:30am- Summer Reading Program (Schools and libraries often have these set up for parents.)

12:00pm- Lunch

1:00pm- Swim lessons

3:00pm- Chore time

4:00pm- Free time at home

5:30pm- Dinner

6:30pm- Night-time routine- bathing, tidying up, etc.

7:30pm- Quiet activities- reading, drawing, and listening to music (whatever helps your kids wind down.)

8:30pm- Bed

Setting up a summer schedule for your teenager will look a bit different. The hope is that by the time kids reach their teen years, they will be more capable of managing their time, but many will need a loose outline of daily expectations. One significant difference in a teen’s schedule will be the possible addition of employment or volunteer work. It is completely reasonable to expect that your teen ventures into the working world or volunteers his time on a part-time basis. Below is an example of a scheduled summer day for your teen:

9:00am- Out of bed, breakfast, shower, dress, etc.

10:30am- Chore time

11:30am- Free time at home

1pm- Attend part-time job or volunteer position

4pm- Free time at home

5:30pm- Dinner with family

6:30pm- Free time to socialize with peers

10pm weekdays- Curfew

Again, these are just examples of structured and balanced summer schedules—you will figure out what works for you. The key point is that many parents find that it creates more stress for the whole family when kids are over-booked. When there is too much on a child’s plate, it will likely result in resistance and power struggles. Build in free time to the schedule in amounts that will give your child time to slow down, relax, or accept a last minute invitation to spend time with a friend. You may have to experiment with how much free time will be the right amount—because having too much or too little both carry problems. Ultimately, making the transition into summer vacation can be a smooth and pleasant one, if you take the needs of your family into consideration and come up with a game plan.

Having structure in the summer can also help kids make a more seamless transition back into school come fall. They will already be accustomed to meeting the demands of a schedule (and getting up in the morning), whereas if no summer structure was in place, the school routine could be a shock to their systems once the new semester rolls around again.

Tips on introducing a summer structure in your home:

Introducing a new way of doing things is often met with resistance, so be ready for your kids to protest the implementation of a summer schedule. Use the example of last summer (or this one if it is already underway and going poorly) to tell your children that you want things to go differently. You could say, “Remember last summer when you were bored and arguing with each other all the time? Having a schedule can help make this summer go more smoothly.” Stay very positive about the new plan and allow your child to fill in some of the daily activities so that they can contribute and therefore, be more on-board with this change. The introduction of a summer schedule should be planned out ahead of time and discussed in a family meeting—avoid the temptation to announce it in the heat of the moment when your kids are acting out. This will only make it seem like a punishment.

Once you have rolled out the new schedule, expect your kids to take a little time to adjust, but do your best to stick to it consistently. This will create the most benefit for the family. That being said, it’s also okay to occasionally alter the agenda to accommodate special plans or catch up on rest if it is needed. One of the key points to remember is that you want your child to have time to relax over the summer without losing all sense of routine. You’ll be surprised at how holding on to a reasonable structure in the summer will give him that extra help so he can transition smoothly when the new school year rolls around in the fall.

Restless and Bored: How to Use Structure to Keep Your Child from Getting into Trouble This Summer reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

Erin Schlicher coached parents on the Parental Support Line for the Total Transformation and Total Focus Programs for nearly two years. She holds a Masters in Counseling from Regis University in Denver, Colorado. Erin has worked with children and families in a helping capacity for more than ten years. She is also the proud mother of a delightful 9-month-old baby girl.

Parenting Tip of the Week: Help Teens Combat Back to School Anxiety

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Health Freaks) — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 17:59:00 +0000

Parenting Tip of the Week: Help Teens Combat Back to School Anxiety

by James Lehman, MSW

It’s common for kids to have a lot of anxiety about the start of the school year, especially if they’re entering a new grade or going to a new school. All of these issues weigh very heavily on the minds of teens and pre-teens. And children with any type of impairment—whether it be a neurological one, like stuttering; a physical issue, such as obesity; or behavioral problems—will have anxiety levels that are even more intense than kids who don’t. But the truth of the matter is that almost all kids will experience some elevation in their nervousness and apprehension at the start of school.

I always advise parents to use the tools you have. Talk to your kids in a very positive way about the next year, and connect what you say to something real your child has accomplished. Begin with, “Boy, Tyler, this could be a really great year for you because you worked so hard in algebra class last spring,” or “Hey, Sarah, that time you put into science last year is really going to pay off when you go to middle school.” Or you might say, “Listen, Jack, all that running you did is going to really show the first couple of days of soccer.” Say these kinds of phrases to your child regularly and always make what you say realistic. It’s very important to connect your statements to actual things. So we don’t say, “Hey, Tyler, this is going to be a special year for you because you’re a beautiful person on the inside.” Instead, say, “This is going to be a great year because of how well you’ve learned to get along with the neighborhood kids this summer.” Always connect it to something tangible that your child can grab onto and affirm, because this gives them something real to build on when they’re feeling insecure at school later on.

Parenting Tip of the Week: Help Teens Combat Back to School Anxiety reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

Bribing Kids vs. Rewarding Kids for Good Behavior: What's the Difference?

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Health Freaks) — Sun, 15 Aug 2010 15:12:00 +0000

Bribing Kids vs. Rewarding Kids for Good Behavior:
What's the Difference?

by Erin Schlicher, Parental Support Line Advisor

Many parents wonder what the difference is between a bribe and a reward. After all, in both instances, your child is getting something for doing what you want him to do. But when is this helpful in teaching him better behavior, and when is it harmful? Parental Support Line Advisor, Erin Schlicher explains.

“I’ll give you an Xbox if you’ll just clean your room!”

It’s important to understand that bribery can become an ongoing pattern that ultimately teaches your child to act out to get what they want.

This parental plea might sound like an exaggeration, but it’s actually not as far off–base as you might think. During my nearly two years as a Parental Support Line Advisor, I heard many parents describe interactions with their kids in which they promised all manners of enticing treats and activities in exchange for behaving appropriately. Parents end up feeling as though they are desperately bribing their children to comply. Kids can come to expect something extra for simply executing their daily responsibilities, which can in turn lead to a false sense of entitlement.

It’s important to understand that bribery can become an ongoing pattern that ultimately teaches your child to act out to get what he wants. To make things even more confusing, attempting to curtail your child’s unruly actions by offering a bribe might actually seem like it’s working in the moment. Take the classic example of a parent who is dutifully trying to get her grocery shopping done while her kids are running wild through the store. The parent is frustrated and embarrassed, so she proposes a deal: if the kids will settle down and get through the shopping excursion, they will each be given a candy bar. Great, it seems to work! But wait…afterward, the parent is left feeling played, and she soon discovers that this tactic leaves her with a sense of powerlessness. This is because in this scenario, the acting-out child has learned another method of maintaining control. You can even think of this behavior as blackmail—“you better give me a sweet payoff, or I’m going to make you suffer!” Kids will likely continue to use this strategy as long as it is working for them.

Many understandably confused parents have asked me outright, “So what is the difference between giving a bribe for good behavior versus rewarding it?” I’ll tell you what I’ve told them: Generally, bribery occurs under duress—right smack in the middle of a situation in which your child has seemingly sprouted horns and a tail. It happens quickly, when all you want is to change your child’s behavior on the spot, so you offer him something that you had no previous intention of offering. It is a form of negotiating—and remember, over–negotiating puts the child in the driver’s seat. On the other hand, the effective use of rewards is quite different, because you are compensating your child for his good behavior, rather than being manipulated and extorted.

To understand how rewards work, it can be helpful to think in terms of how the work world operates. You do your job and complete the tasks that are required of your position, and your concrete reward is a paycheck. While there are numerous other ways in which work can be satisfying, the paycheck is the tangible form of a reward that you receive. For your child, motivation to please parents and teachers might apply more during different phases of development than others, but for the most part, children tend to be externally motivated by things they want or enjoy. Don’t get me wrong, most children want to stay in the good graces of their parents, but if they are given rewards regardless of how they behave, the incentive to practice new skills disappears. As I’ll explain next, James Lehman recommends that parents come up with a list of rewards with their child ahead of time. That way, when your child behaves in the grocery store, he knows ahead of time what his paycheck will be—and so will you.

Pairing James Lehman’s concept of Strategic Recognition and Affection with tangible rewards (the child’s version of the paycheck) is one of the most effective ways to reinforce appropriate behavior. This is the use of sincere praise, along with a genuine pat on the back when your child makes progress on something which is difficult for him. Next, add concrete rewards that are of a currency that your child values to complete the picture. You know what your child likes—maybe it’s video games, television, art supplies, or sleep–overs with friends. Try making a list of incentives that your child can earn on a daily basis, in addition to “bigger ticket” items that he could achieve over time. Again, have your child participate in the creation of this list. Helping to keep your child’s “eye on the prize” while serving as his supportive coach during moments when he begins to digress, can create significant results.

Whenever possible, determine most rewards ahead of time, be clear with behavioral expectations and do not forget the crucial teaching component. It is important to understand that we cannot expect kids to do something differently if they do not know how. Your child’s behavior can often be linked to the developmental stage he is moving through. Keeping this in mind is significant because it helps us soften our view. In other words, it’s not that kids are always deviously acting out—they may just be exercising an undesirable method of accomplishing a developmentally normal task. As adults, we have made it this far in the world because of what we have learned. Lend them your skills! You can guide your children to use more appropriate ways of checking off milestones. This might involve problem–solving conversations, role playing, or planned “field tests” that allow your kids to practice the new skills they are acquiring. Being a coach and teacher are two of the most effective hats you can wear as a parent.

In the end, be kind to yourself—we parents are all still learning too! Taking a look at what behavior you might be reinforcing and how you are reinforcing it may lead to a change in your approach and yield better results. Remember that when you resort to bribery to control your child’s behavior, the price that you wind up paying is actually a lot higher than it may seem in the moment. Instead, require that your child earn reasonable rewards by taking care of his responsibilities and making positive strides in improving his behavior.

Bribing Kids vs. Rewarding Kids for Good Behavior: What's the Difference? reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

Why You HAVE To Be The Boss !

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Health Freaks) — Sun, 25 Apr 2010 17:37:00 +0000

Your Child is Not Your Equal: Why You Have to Be the Boss

by James Lehman, MSW

As a parent, if you aren’t the boss in your family, the lines of authority can become blurred very quickly. When your children are unsure about who's really in charge, they often act out, engage in risky behavior, or become extremely bossy and patronizing as a result. And eventually you start to resent them because you don't have a way to tell them what to do. You’ve effectively lost control.

One of the ways you can lose your status as a parent very quickly is to act like a child.

Many parents also want to be their child's friend—they don’t like the idea of being the boss at all. The major problem with this approach is that a friend is non-judgmental, and friendships are egalitarian. In my opinion, your child’s role simply isn’t equal to yours—as a parent, you have to make judgments and be in charge because otherwise, no one will be.

By the way, I want to be clear about what I mean by the “boss.” I often define this as the “Limit Setter” role when I’m talking to parents. I firmly believe parents need to set limits on their kids and maintain the rules of their household using consequences and accountability. While the Limit Setter role is extremely important, keep in mind that it should not be the only one you use. The other critical roles I’ve identified are those of the “Teacher”, where you help your child learn how to behave more appropriately, and the “Coach”, where you challenge your child to behave better—much like the coach of a sports team would do. While being in charge and setting limits is vital, all three roles need to be utilized if you want to be at your most effective as a parent.

You Were in Charge When Your Child Was Young—So What Happened?

I think when children are very young, it’s easy to see that the parents are in charge. In other words, they make the decisions, direct their children in their day-to-day activities, and organize things for their household. They also supervise their children’s behavior and decide what’s appropriate and what's not. And you'll often see children from the age of about six to ten being fairly compliant. During those years, parents tend to develop a friendly relationship with their kids. This is a time in life when many children, unless they have behavioral problems, will listen to you, do what you ask, and spend as much time with you as you'll let them.

When adolescence hits, the whole game changes. What emerges is not only a lack of respect for parental authority, but also a situation where your child wants to be the boss. Many parents have a hard time reasserting their role as the person in charge when this happens. And if you've never established yourself clearly as being in control, it may seem as though it's almost impossible for you to do it after your child becomes a teen—or even a pre-teen.

Why is that? One reason is because the developmental stage we call adolescence is really a time for your child to individuate, and the way children do this is by pushing adults away. They lean more toward their peers, and they think their friends are the only ones who understand them. In fact, they don't like being around adults much—and they certainly don't like being around the adults who are telling them what to do!

Healthier kids will tell you they resent your authority in various appropriate and semi-appropriate ways. This might range from saying “Stop telling me what to do all the time!” to eye rolling and loud sighs each time you make a request. But there are other children who will tell you they’re upset in inappropriate ways: by acting out, being verbally abusive, destructive, or aggressive.

Soft Choices and Hard Choices: 4 Areas Where Parents Need to Have the Ultimate Decision

Many parents encourage their kids to participate in family decisions, and I personally think that’s a good thing to do. Don't forget, when you're raising your child, one of the things you want them to learn is how to be independent. In fact, studies have shown that the more independent kids are, the better chances they’ll have of making choices in their lives in ways that increase the likelihood of success in life.

So the way you develop independence in your children is by letting them make choices and encouraging their participation. It’s natural for kids to start thinking they have a say in everything when you parent this way, unless you are clear about the choices you’re giving them.

I think knowing which issues to assert your authority over—or in which to let your child have a vote—is a very tricky line for parents to walk. Just remember, there are things kids can have a voice in, but not the final choice of.

In my opinion, parents have the ultimate say-so on these 4 things:

Safety

Health Issues

Performance

Preparation for Adulthood

You can say to your child, “Listen, these are the areas where I'm in charge—it’s not a subject of debate. We can talk about things, but I have the final say-so and that's the way it has to be. That's my role; I'm the parent.”

So you make the decision on whether or not your daughter can go out until midnight. You make the decision whether or not your son is doing enough homework and chores, and if his grades are acceptable. You make the decisions about what's healthy and not healthy for all your kids. You make these decisions because you’re in charge taking care of your family to the best of your ability.

By the way, I think it’s perfectly okay for kids to have a vote on things that aren’t going to affect their safety, health, performance, or preparation for adulthood. You can conceptualize these issues as “soft choices” and “hard choices.” Soft choices might include what clothes they’ll wear, which video you’ll rent for family movie night, how long their hair is, or what color nail polish your teen daughter chooses. Encourage your child to make those soft decisions—and then honor them. So let your child wear what he picked out, as long as it's not inappropriate.

It's very hard when your child is an adolescent for parents to dance between giving your child enough independence and being the boss. It’s difficult for almost everyone, and that's why so much fighting goes on during this time. There are a lot of traps you can fall into, but you've got that line you're trying to walk: knowing when to let your child be independent and when you have to be the boss. I think if you ask yourself, “Is this a soft choice or is it a hard one?” you’ll have a clearer understanding of how to navigate those decisions.

When Kids Think Their “Vote” is Equal to Yours

Why do many kids think their vote in the family is equal to their parents’ vote? I think part of the reason, besides what we’ve already mentioned, is that children, especially teens, want control. I’m not saying you should give it to them, but make no mistake, they want it. That's a legitimate interest of their developmental stage. Kids also think they should have a vote in everything because they want to be equal to their parents—and they’ll try to argue with you until they’re blue in the face to convince you of that fact.

Again, ask yourself if the question you’re discussing is soft or hard: It's good for your child to have a say-so in the debate about which restaurant you’ll go to tonight; it's not good for him to have the ultimate say-so about what his curfew will be.

“You Do It. Why Can’t I?”

When your child says, “You do it. Why can’t I?” The best answer is, “We're not talking about me. We're talking about you.” Keep the focus on your child. That way you won't get distracted and defensive. Make your statements black and white: “Don’t turn this around on me. I don't think you're ready to go to the late movie yet.” And then back it up. Tell your child why you don't you think he's ready. Your reasons should have to do with decision-making, choices and responsibility.

A Word about Negotiating…

In my opinion, kids can have a voice as long as they speak appropriately, but parents need to make the ultimate decision. Don't negotiate with your child right after a decision is made. I think it’s often effective for parents to say, “If you want to talk about this decision more, you have to wait 24 hours.” That way, everybody is calmed down once you do talk.

I used to tell the kids I worked with, “You have the right to make a statement to your parents as long as you express what you want appropriately. Your parents have the right and a responsibility to challenge the points of your statement if it doesn't sit right with them. But ultimately, they make the choice.” I think there’s room to discuss choices as kids get older, so I would tell them, “If you don't like the choice your parents made, your job is to say, for example, ‘What do I have to do in order to get a later curfew?’” Let's say the teen’s parents gave him a curfew of nine o'clock, but he wanted a ten o'clock curfew. I think it’s all right for him to say, “What do I have to do in order for you to trust me to stay out until ten o'clock?” His parents would have to consider his request. Their answer might be, “Well, we'd like you to keep a nine o'clock curfew for one month, and see how that works out. We want to see you meet this responsibility first. If you come home late on curfew consistently or you have a hard time with it, you’re showing us that you're not responsible. If we let you stay out later, that's because we think you're responsible enough to make good choices and manage your time.”

Try to keep communication open. If your child gets heated or shuts down, always keep your hand out at the end of the conversation. You can say something like, “If you want to talk more about this later when you’ve calmed down, let me know.” Or “If you want to discuss this when you can talk to me more appropriately, I'll be here.” Always leave your hand out there.

Why You Should Never Fight on Your Child’s Level

When you get resentful and fight on your child's level, I think your position can actually become weaker than your child's. He will start to perceive you as not being in control. Soon, you won't have any way to really guide him or enforce household rules. If there's no structure there—no parental authority—then the only “tools” you’re left with are yelling, complaining, badgering, whining, bickering, arguing and nagging—all the things you don't want to do. Besides, think of it this way: you don't want to live with somebody like that and neither does your child.

It's important not to fight with your child on that level, because then there's no parent—it's just two individuals bickering. One of the ways you can lose your status as a parent very quickly is to act like a child. Parents have a hard time establishing and maintaining status in our society anyway—the role of parenting is completely undervalued today. So you don't want to give away what you’ve got —you really want to try to maintain your parental authority.

While I don’t think you should fight with your child, there's nothing wrong with getting angry at your kids from time to time. That’s human and it happens to every parent. But it’s important to have an outlet for that anger other than arguing and screaming. Remember, the question is not, “Do we get angry at our kids,” it’s “How do we handle the situation when we’re angry?” So when your child pushes your limits, make sure you have a plan to deal with that ahead of time: try to have other outlets where you can share your thoughts and feelings, like with your spouse, friends, relatives or a support group.

If you realize you haven’t been acting like the boss, but you want to begin to assert your authority now, be prepared for some extreme pushback from your children at first. Any change like this in family dynamics is not going to be dealt with coolly by your kids. Expect them to fight because they’re going to feel like they’re losing something they want to hold onto—power and control. But hold firm, and know that you’re doing the best thing for your family. Remember, the more tools you have as a parent, the better equipped you’ll be to raise your child—and to be the boss in a positive, effective way.

Your Child is Not Your Equal: Why You Have to Be the Boss reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.

Help Your Child Get Better Grades At School

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Health Freaks) — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 14:15:00 +0000

To-day's post talks about how you can help motivate a child when his or her grades are sinking fast at school. This is a very common type of problem behavior, but James Lehman, America's foremost behavior therapist has some of the answers in the article below.

Sinking Fast at School: How to Help Your Child Stay Afloat

by James Lehman, MSW

Is your child failing in school? Maybe he started out full of enthusiasm, but now his grades are slipping, his attitude is bad and he seems to be falling through the cracks. If your child has hit a slump midway through the school year, you are not alone. James Lehman has some advice for you today on what you can do now to get your child back on track.

Your child might feel as if he’s fallen into a hole and doesn’t know how to climb back out.

Many kids lose steam by the time the middle of the school year arrives. It’s very common for children and teens to get back to school after the holidays and hit a slump. Remember, kids are kids: their attention span is short, they're impulsive and it can be difficult for them to focus. It's easy for children to lose energy, and when that happens, a kind of lethargy can set in.

If your child has a learning disability, or performance or behavior problems, this issue becomes magnified. Your child might feel as if he’s fallen into a hole and doesn’t know how to climb back out. (That hole can be caused by missed work, not understanding certain concepts at school, or social problems, among other things.) When your child is in that hole, it’s easy for him to become demoralized, act out more or withdraw emotionally. Often, he won’t ask for help even though he desperately needs it, and soon you’ll see his output start to slow down.

Although this can occur with any child, make no mistake, for kids with behavior problems or learning disabilities, this is a very serious challenge to their stability for the rest of the school year. As a parent, it’s very important for you to address the problem quickly and get your child back on track before he becomes completely derailed.

By the way, while grades usually go down in a gradual slide, if your child’s performance deteriorates suddenly, it’s important for you to realize that something major may be happening, whether it’s substance abuse, bullying, or an equally serious issue. If your child’s grades drop off suddenly, that's a signal to have him assessed by a professional.

My Child’s Attitude is Going Downhill—Along with His Grades

You should be very concerned if you notice your child’s attitude has changed for the worse along with his falling grades. When a child's attitude becomes bad, you can safely assume certain things may be going on:

There may be a problem he's not talking about.

He may be doing something that he doesn't want anyone to know about.

He may be getting deeper into trouble without help.

Again, kids cannot climb out of that hole on their own—they simply don't know how. In fact, a lot of adults don’t either; people get themselves into emotional holes all the time in life. In my opinion, the idea that everyone should be able to pull themselves up by their bootstraps is misleading. Few indeed are equipped to do that—least of all, kids.

Falling through the Cracks Academically

Sometimes kids fall through the cracks at school because they’re having a hard time academically. Suddenly, the work becomes too challenging, and their classmates seem to pull ahead while they’re still trying to understand a certain concept. Their attitude may worsen because they really can't do the work. And it's easy to fall through the cracks nowadays—and by the way, those cracks are huge—because of tightening school budgets and other major problems schools are facing.

As a parent, you really need to have a good understanding of what your child is capable of doing. Remember, we want to challenge our kids but we don't want them to simply learn how to give up. If your child truly can't do the work, then your job is to get in there and challenge the teacher and the school to give your child work at his level—or get him placed in the right class. Parents should also be aware of those subjects, like algebra, where if you miss one core concept, you may be in trouble for the rest of the school year.

Try to be as objective as possible. I urge parents to be very, very careful when trying to accurately assess their child’s abilities. There's a concept called “learned helplessness”—where people learn that if they act helpless, somebody else will do it for them. Above all, we don't want to foster that response in our kids. Truly understanding what your child’s level is can be very tricky, which is why I recommend getting some outside help when you do it.

Here are some things I recommend parents do to get their kids back on track when they’re sinking under the waves at school:

Get an Assessment

If your child’s grades have fallen suddenly, the first thing I’d suggest is to have them assessed by a professional. If a kid's grades go from an “A” to a “D,” that usually doesn't happen in isolation. There will be other signs, red flags that will tell you that something's going on. You might notice that your child has stopped doing the sports that he used to love, or that he’s hanging around with different friends, for example. Start by taking your child to his pediatrician and getting a recommendation for a professional therapist to rule out substance abuse, depression, clinical anxiety or other factors that may be affecting his performance and outlook.

Helping Your Child Manage His Schoolwork

If you’ve noticed your child’s grades are suffering, it’s critical that you put more effort into helping him manage his homework. I know it’s not always easy—everyone is tired at the end of the day, and parents work hard and want to relax, too. Sometimes your child will act as if he doesn’t want you coming into his room, but check in anyway to see how things are going. Don’t assume he understands everything on his own, even if he tells you he’s fine.

Kids need structure and supervision, and they need somebody looking in on them who will hold them accountable. If your child’s grades start sliding, don’t let him do his homework in his room by himself with the door closed and the music on. That's simply got to stop. The door stays open, the music stays off, and you should be looking in on him every fifteen minutes or so. The goal is to keep him on track.

Talk to Your Child’s Teachers

Parents should be talking to teachers about the subjects and areas where their child is having problems. Schedule a time to meet and find out what's going on in class. In my experience, teachers can often be very helpful in telling you what they’ve observed.

Tell the teacher what you see at home, and then ask what they see happening in their classroom. Some questions for you to ask are:

Has participation dropped off?

Is my child sitting with different kids? Who is he hanging out with?

Is my child just tired and bored, or is he overwhelmed by the work?

Have you seen a change in his attitude or performance? And how would you describe that change?

If your child's grades start to fall in one specific subject, find out what extra help is available from the school. He should start to focus more on that subject in the evenings at home. Hold him accountable to do a certain amount of work. And work with his teachers, guidance counselors and the school as much as possible. The better your communication is with them, the more it will help your child.

Ask “What” Questions, Not “Why” Questions When You Talk with Your Child

I think it’s a good idea to sit down and have a talk with your child when you realize he’s struggling at school. You can say, “I notice that things are going downhill and I'm wondering what's going on.” Ask “what” questions, not “why” questions. “Why” questions invite your child to make excuses—to blame someone or something for his problems. “What” questions ask your child to report the facts. So it’s not, “Why are you doing poorly at school?” it’s, “What’s going on?”

You can also tell your child what you’ve observed: “I see your grades failing, I see you being more irritable. You don't want to get out of bed in the morning. You're getting detention for silly things in school, like talking out of turn. These are the things I'm seeing and I’m wondering what's going on.” If your child denies that anything is happening, say, “What are you going to do to improve your grades?” Listen to see if he has any ideas. By the way, you should already have a plan that says, “We're going to be checking on your homework more and we want you putting more time into it.”

Make the conversation with your child functional, not emotional. Too many parents get bogged down in emotionality. Kids do better when they keep their feelings out of it. After all, their emotions are volatile: they love you, they hate you; they're happy, they're angry. So you want to keep it on a functional level and ask, “What’s getting in the way of you doing your work? What's going on? And how are you going to change it?”

Giving Your Child Rewards for School Performance

I know families who let their kids do their homework in their rooms as long as they get a “B” or above. If their grades slip, they have to do their homework at the dining room table until they bring them up again. For some kids, that means they also have to do an extra hour of homework a night, but then they’re allowed to stay up half-an-hour later so they still get some free time. That’s part of their reward for doing the work.

When my son was in high school, I would tell him if he got all “A's” and “B's” I'd give him a cool reward. If he didn’t get the grades, he wouldn’t get anything. We didn’t make a big deal out of it, and we didn’t punish him if he wasn’t able to do it.

Remember, kids need to be rewarded; they need to be motivated. As parents, we're taking and we're giving; we’re demanding but we're supporting. It's like a sandwich: on top there's the pressure for your child to perform, and underneath there's support with rewards and extra help.

I also want to say that while rewards are helpful, the absence of rewards is not causing the problem. Rewards don't change behavior: learning problem-solving skills and being held accountable changes behavior. Having a concrete plan and sticking to it changes behavior.

When we talk about grades sliding and kids falling behind at school, it sounds simple but it’s a very complex thing—and something that parents struggle with every day all over the country. My wife and I wrestled with this issue as parents, and we both had Masters Degrees in Social Work and worked with kids for a living. My point is that it’s natural to wonder, “Are the demands too much for my child? Are they enough for him? Or are we taking it too easy on him?” In my opinion, parents who make it a priority to get involved—and then take steps to help their child—are doing them a huge service.

A final word: Kids are resilient. If you help your child and he’s able to get back on track and do the work, in all likelihood he’ll bounce back at school. I believe kids have strengths that aren't easily observable unless you know how to look for them. As a parent, you need to find that resiliency, find that strength in your child, and work with it.

Sinking Fast at School: How to Help Your Child Stay Afloat reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

Why Is Everyone Always Mad At Me ?

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Health Freaks) — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 16:51:00 +0000

To-day's post is about kids who are misreading social cues and end up in despair by saying "Why is everyone always mad at me?" This is just one of the child behavior problems covered by James Lehman in his Tiotal Transformation program. Click here for more details of a free trial offer for child behavior help

"Why Is Everyone Always Mad at Me?"
Why Misreading Social Cues Leads to Acting Out Behavior

by James Lehman, MSW

Does your child often perceive himself as being right when he’s wrong and wrong when he’s right? Some children have a hard time picking up on other people’s expressions, body language or social cues. These kids are often prone to thinking they’re being disapproved of or disliked when they’re not.

Understand that reading social situations is a skill many kids with behavioral problems lack. Most kids acquire this skill as they grow: they learn to be more careful in situations where they might get in trouble or be hurt. Here’s an example of a child who is having problems learning this skill: let's say that your child is in school and he gets out of his seat, even though it's time for everybody to sit down. The teacher corrects him and tells him to sit down. Most kids have already taken their seats—they’ve learned to read that situation successfully. But when the teacher tells your child to sit down a second time, it triggers anxiety or frustration, which leads to increased behavioral control problems—and a diminished ability to see what’s actually going on. This cycle keeps repeating itself until your child develops a pattern of acting out around his inability to read certain social situations.

The Importance of Knowing How to Read Faces, Voices and Your Environment

Kids learn to get a majority of the information about their current social situation by reading people's facial expressions and body language. This starts when they are infants and continues well on into adulthood. In one study, it was determined that more than 70 percent of a child’s perceptions comes from the looks they see on other people’s faces. Problems emerge for kids who have diagnosed or undiagnosed learning disabilities or behavioral problems that interfere with their developing the ability to accurately read social situations. What that means is that they simply don't develop the skills to read social situations the same way that other kids do. And the misreading of these cues becomes one of the triggers for a lot of the behavioral problems that you see later on. That’s because they're not getting the same information that the other kids are receiving. Don't forget, a learning disability is an immature or malfunctioning part of a child’s neurological system. So the same data goes in, but the same solution—or behavior—does not come out.

For kids who have a hard time reading social situations and who tend to act or behave inappropriately, it’s vital that you work on it with them as a parent. If your child lacks these social skills, the good news is that this problem can be fixed.

7 Ways to Help Your Child Learn How to Read Social Cues

1. Use Photos to Help Kids Learn Emotions:

For Younger Kids and Pre-teens: I recommend that you buy magazines and go through them with your child. As they look at pictures, ask them to tell you what each person is feeling or thinking by the look on their face. You can start to train your child that certain looks are connected to certain emotions. You can start to say things like, “How do you think that person is feeling?” They might say “Happy.” And you can say, “Well, I think they're kind of confused. You see those little lines above their eyes, the way they're squinting like that. People do that when they're trying to understand something.” Teach your child what different looks mean: happy, confused, angry. Practice with them—and when I say practice, I mean repetition and rehearsal. These things have to be ingrained in kids by practicing it as much as possible, because that is the most effective way for them to learn.

For Older Kids: Remember that your child’s willingness to do this exercise is key. If they're not willing to do this with you, then forget about it. If they are, sit down with some teen magazines and talk with them. Have them make up stories about certain faces: show them a picture and ask them to tell you a one-paragraph story about the person. You can also watch a movie together and talk about the characters’ emotions. You can try using a reward in order to get them to work with you on this.

By the way, I'm pretty frank with adolescents when it comes to their inability to read social situations. They don't like that because they don't want you to notice any deficit in their personality at all. The key is to associate your comments with something observable and realistic. I usually say something like this: “Look Tommy, part of your problem is that when you look at a situation, you don't see it the same way that most other kids and adults do. When the other kids look at the teacher and the teacher says ‘sit down,’ they all sit down. What they see is a situation where they have to comply. What you see is a situation where you don't necessarily have to do anything—that it's up to you. But that's not accurate, and that’s why you keep getting into trouble at school.” I follow that up by saying, “Tommy, if you can work on this with me, the misunderstanding like the one you had with your teacher today never needs to happen again.” I make it “right size” for the child, not something so huge he can't tackle, and I put it in terms of his best interests. “You’ll never have to go through this again after you learn how to do it the right way.” To many kids, I think that’s a relief.

2. Use Narratives and Roleplays

For Younger Kids: A good technique for younger kids is to do a narrative with them. You can say, “I'm going to walk into the store and I'm going to talk nicely to the sales lady, because I want her to be helpful. And even though I might get frustrated if I don't get the right size, I'm not going to talk to her like I'm angry; I'm going to talk to her respectfully. In the situations where I want somebody to do something for me, the best thing I can do is be polite and respectful.” And then you role play it with them. You definitely, definitely have to role play—and role model—appropriately with these kids.

For Older Kids and Teens: You can do role plays with teenagers, too. As a therapist, I would have them walk into my office four or five times in a row—just go back out and walk in—to practice how to enter a classroom and sit down. They'd walk in and I'd say, “Hey, Charlie, how's it going?” And if they responded inappropriately to me, I'd say, “Wrong. Go back out.” They’d try again and I'd say, “Hey Charlie, how's it going?” All they needed to do was wave and sit down. If they said anything rude, it was over. They thought this exercise was silly, but they did it. When they got it right, I'd say "Good, that's the way you do it. Why don't you try that in class?"

3. Break It Down into Bite-sized Pieces

Trying to change everything at once is overwhelming for all kids. That’s why I recommend that parents use “discrete learning.” That means you break down whatever you’re working on into individual little pieces. So you can say “Today, when we go into the store I want you to try this skill: smile a lot and say ‘please’ and ‘thank you.’” Limit it to one skill or one situation at a time. Be sure to point out the results later. “Did you see how the waitress smiled back at you and brought you extra fries because you were so polite to her?” Always tell kids when what they are doing is working—it gives them an incentive to keep trying, just like it does with adults.

4. “Let’s Try an Experiment…”

Another thing you can say to your child is, “Let's try an experiment. Why don't you try this today and see what happens.” It could be raising their hand before they talk in school or saying “hello” to the teacher when they walk in to class. You could also say, “What would you like to happen today with this person?” And then role play how they can make that happen. So connect the new behavior to real things in your child’s life, but again, do it discretely, one thing at a time: one person at a time, one situation at a time, one class at a time.

5. Work with Your Kids: Teach and Coach Them Forward

Social skills are one of the areas where the teaching and coaching roles become very important for parents. Remember, when you take on the teaching role, what you’re really doing is helping your child to learn new skills. I think it’s okay to say, “People don't respond well to you when you ______, “—and then fill in the blank. But that has to be coupled with, “Why don't you try _______, instead. Here, let me show you.” Do a little interview with a short discussion. “Well, you know, teachers don't like it when you talk out of turn in class, Maddy. That's why you got detention. What do you think you can do differently the next time you want to talk out of turn? What can you do to remind yourself that you can't do that?” And see what she says. Here’s the key: the next day before school, take your child aside and say, “Remember what you said you were going to do differently today,” and remind her about her plan: “When the teacher says, ‘Time to take out your books,’ you are going to stop talking to Riley and Jenna and you’re going to listen so you don’t get detention again.”

6. Teach Your Child to “Check Out Perceptions”

It’s important for kids to be able to approach adults when they think they’re in trouble. They should be able to say, “Is something wrong” or “Did I do something wrong?” When they think their teacher is frowning at them in class, it’s helpful for them to ask that teacher later, “Did I do something wrong today?” It's hard to do, but it’s a technique that will help them eliminate a lot of misunderstanding. One of the things that my son learned to say in our house was, “Are we okay?” or “Are you okay?” After work I'd be tired most days, and even though I was feeling pretty good, to my son, I looked grumpy and out of sorts. And I taught him to ask me, “Are we okay, or did I do something wrong?” And I'd usually say, “Yeah, I'm doing fine, I'm just a little tired.”

us—and

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7. For Kids Who Are Bullied

Although I think kids should learn how to deal with bullies and kids who pick on them, I think it’s the school’s responsibility to protect kids while they’re in school. As a parent, if your child is being bullied, do not hesitate to call the school. And if your child has been physically harmed, do not hesitate to call the police. The techniques I’m sharing with you in this article are ways to help your child cope, but that does not relieve the school of the responsibility to make sure everybody is safe.

Learning social skills and social cues is vital for all kids, but it’s especially critical for children who tend to be bullied. The first thing I say to kids who are bullied is “You're not responsible. It's not your fault. If somebody's bullying you, they're the problem.” The best strategy they can use is called “avoid and escape.” You can break it down for them like this: “Avoid the people who bully you and situations where you get bullied. If you find yourself in one, escape as soon as you can. Get out of there. In fact, the best way to deal with any threatening situation is avoid and escape. You avoid the situation: don't sit at that lunch table. Or you escape: Don’t be the victim. Get up and go to another table.”

If there are unavoidable places your child has to go during the day, like the bathroom or locker room, tell them to get in and out as quickly as they can. “You ignore the bullies or you try to avoid them. Get a pass from the teacher and go to the bathroom from class.”

They also need to learn positive self talk. They need to be able to say, “This is not my problem. This is the bully’s problem.” And they need to be able to ask for help. Many, many schools today talk to kids about being bullied. As a parent, you can ask the school if they have a curriculum that teaches kids how to deal with bullies. And if they don't, ask them why. Schools use curriculums schools that take only one day. They teach the kids about bullying: how not to bully, what to do if you're bullied, and how to talk openly about it. As a parent, you should be looking into that kind of curriculum at your child’s school.

I firmly believe that if your child has a problem with reading social situations and social cues, it’s a very solvable problem. In my mind, repetition and rehearsal are the key. How do you deal with the problem of not writing well? You practice writing. Teaching kids social skills is really the same thing: it takes practice, it takes rehearsal, and it takes somebody demonstrating and showing them how to do it.

Don't spend a lot of time on why they can't read social situations well. I would tell kids, “Not being able to read social situations happens to a lot of kids. That's why they're always in trouble. As you become an adult you learn to read this kind of thing better. And some people lag behind. It just doesn't happen to them as quickly as other people, and that’s OK.”

Remember, if your child is behaving inappropriately, whether it’s a result of a missed social cue or not, you still have to hold him accountable, as well as teach the new skill. Once your child knows how they’re expected to behave, you have to make him responsible for operationalizing and implementing it. And if you can't hold him responsible for using it, his chances of learning the new skill go way down. If you don’t enforce it, he won’t have any reason to change. After all, you're asking him to do something different, and “different” is usually perceived as “difficult.” People don't like to change, so you have to stay on top of it and make sure your child is putting his learning into practice. The best reward for your child is that he will start to have more success with people in his life immediately—and that will translate into better behavior all the way around.

"Why Is Everyone Always Mad at Me?" Why Misreading Social Cues Leads to Acting Out Behavior reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

Homework Hell?

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Health Freaks) — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 17:00:00 +0000

Homework Hell?
Part I: How to Turn It Around

by James Lehman, MSW

Has homework time become the seventh circle of hell in your house, with you nagging your kids to do their assignments and fighting with them over each math problem? If you and your child are battling nightly over schoolwork, read on to hear the real solutions James Lehman offers to this frustrating problem, in Part I of Homework Hell.

Avoid getting sucked into power struggles with your child at all costs. Let me be very clear here: fighting over homework is a losing proposition for both of you.

Parents get stuck in homework battles with their kids all the time. Either their children get distracted halfway through and want to give up, or they resist doing the work in the first place. As many parents know all too well, this resistance can often take the form of acting out behavior: kids will yell, start fights with you, or even throw a tantrum to avoid doing their work. Sometimes they start their homework and then throw their hands up in the air and say, “This is too hard,” or “I’m bored,” or “Why do I have to do this stupid stuff anyway?” As hard as it can be to not take that bait, my advice to you is to avoid getting sucked into power struggles with your child at all costs. Let me be very clear here: fighting over homework is a losing proposition for both of you. You will end up frustrated, angry and exhausted, while your child will have found yet another way to push your buttons. And wind up hating school and hating learning—exactly what you don’t want to have happen.

So why is homework time often so difficult? In my opinion, one of the major reasons is because it can be hard for kids to focus at home. Look at it this way: when your child is in school, he’s in a classroom where there aren’t a lot of distractions. The learning is structured and organized, and all the students are focusing on the same thing. But when your child comes home, his brain clicks over to “free time” mode. In his mind, home is a place to relax, have a snack, listen to music, and maybe watch TV and play video games. So for better or worse, kids often simply don’t view home as the place to do schoolwork.

The good news is that there are effective techniques you can use to end the nightly battle over homework. This week, I’ll be telling you about some powerful things you can do at home to change your child’s mindset about doing schoolwork. And next week, I’ll give you specific tips that will help your child get the work done—and help you leave homework hell behind.

Start Early

I always tell parents that the earlier they can begin to indoctrinate their children with the idea that schoolwork is a part of home life—just as chores are—the more their kids will internalize the concept of homework as being a regular part of life. If your child is older and you haven’t done this, that does not mean there isn’t hope for him. It simply means you will initially have to work a lot harder to get him on track with his schoolwork.

Make Night time Structured Time

When your kids come home, there should be a structure and a schedule set up each night. I recommend that you write this up and post it on the refrigerator or in some central location in the house. Kids need to know that there is a time to eat, a time to do homework and also that there is free time. And remember, free time starts after homework is done. By the way, when it’s homework time, it should be quiet time in your whole house. Siblings shouldn’t be in the next room watching TV or playing video games. If your child doesn’t have homework some nights, it still should be a time when there is no Facebook, TV or video games. They can read a book or a magazine in their room, but there should be no electronics. In our house, homework time was usually after dinner, from seven to eight o’clock. The whole idea is to take away distractions. The message to your child is, “You're not going to do anything anyway, so you might as well do your homework.”

Don't Fight with Your Child

Make it very clear that if they don't do their homework, then the next part of their night does not begin. And don't get sucked into arguments with them. Just keep it simple: “Right now is homework time. The sooner you get it done, the sooner you can have free time.” Say this in a supportive way with a smile on your face. Again, it's really important not to get sucked into your child's fight. And when you establish a nightly structure, it will be easier to avoid power struggles over homework.

Know Your Child’s Homework List

I think it's very important to know what your child's homework is—parents need to make sure it doesn't get lost in the shuffle. Having good communication with your child’s teachers is key, because your child will have homework every night as he or she gets older. If your child is not handing in their work on time, you can set it up so the teacher will send you any assignments that your child didn't get done each week. You might have to work to get your child’s teachers to do this, but you're going to get important information from them about your child’s progress. And the bottom line is that you want to hold your child accountable for doing their work. That way, when the report card comes home, you—and your child—won’t be surprised by the grades they receive.

Establish a Token Economy in Your Home

Don't forget, we want to pay kids in a currency that they desire. Extra carrots are not going to get much out of your child, but an extra fifteen minutes before bedtime or extending their curfew by half-an-hour on Friday night will. (call out This kind of system is called a “token economy”. The “tokens” become the currency, and in this case, the extra time playing video games, watching TV, and using the computer is the money. You want to withhold it or give it out according to how your child is earning it.

Map out a List of Rewards and Consequences

Parents should have a list of rewards and consequences mapped out for all their kids. It should be a pretty big list, and might include things like going to the park, going to the movies, and going bowling. Have a section that lists the video games your child likes to play and the TV shows he likes to watch, because this is what he will be rewarded with. I have parents sit down with their kids and say, “All right, when you do well and I want to reward you, what kinds of things would you like to do?” Be sure to include activities that don’t cost money, too, like going to the beach, taking a ride in the car, or playing board games. Then, if your child is able to finish his homework on time for a whole week, at the end of the week he gets rewarded from the list you’ve compiled.

Keep in mind that our job as parents is to help guide and coach our children with their schoolwork, but it’s also our job to let them experience the natural consequences when they don’t get it done. That might mean that they get a poor grade, which is the result of not following through on their responsibilities. It’s so important to let your child experience the disappointment that comes with that, because that will help motivate them to try harder next time. And as a parent, when the report card comes along, if your child is not at some baseline that you’ve determined, (it might be that they should get nothing lower than a B, for example) then they should lose some of their privileges at home. That might mean they can't study alone in their room until they bring their grades up, and you might have to watch them more closely when they do their work.

Remember, a major part of ending power struggles over homework lies in establishing structure, giving consequences and rewards, and getting your child to see that schoolwork is a regular part of home life. Once they accept that, you’ve already won half the battle.

In Part 2 of this series, James will give you some specific techniques to get your child off the starting block when it comes to homework, tips on how to motivate teenagers to do their work, and how to handle conflicts with after school activities and schoolwork.

Homework Hell?
Part I: How to Turn It Around reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

Treating ADHD In Children

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Health Freaks) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 17:28:00 +0000

Why on earth shouldn't parents go on treating ADHD in children with psychostimulants ? After all,they are mostly safe drugs and they are prescribed by doctors, who presumably know what they are doing ? Yes, this is true and these drugs DO work in calming down children and helping them to concentrate at school. What is the problem ?

As these drugs (mostly amphetamines, by the way, which are classed as Schedule II drugs!) are stimulants, they not only stimulate the brain, but the heart as well! So, there are risks of heart problems ,especially in children predisposed for that sort of condition.

It also poses the question about giving children a drug which could lead to substance abuse,. If this was not the case, amphetamines would be freely available, but they are not. There are very sound medical reasons why this is so. There must be a better way of treating ADHD in children.

Natural Cures for ADHD

Parenting Tips ADHD

Brilliant Video On How To Parent A Defiant Child.

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Health Freaks) — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 11:39:00 +0000

I reckon the people at Yale University Parenting Center and Child Conduct Clinic must know a thing or two about parenting a defiant child ! This unit is headed by Dr.Alan Kazdin who has also written a book on the subject.

His overall approach is based on the principle that children learn from OUR behavior, so if we react to bad behavior by screaming or yelling, then that is not a good model for our children and our reaction will backfire and we will never be able to parent a defiant child. Our aim is to get the child to show respect and comply with our wishes. Watch the video below just to get a sample of what is involved in parenting skills and how behavior modification techniques such as these can make all the difference.

Defiant Child ?

Child Behavior Programs - How To Choose

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Health Freaks) — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 16:08:00 +0000

How do you choose a child behavior program ? What sort of questions should you be asking before you buy This video guides you through the process and tells what to look out for.

How To Motivate Your Child

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Health Freaks) — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 18:29:00 +0000

How do you set about getting a child to be motivated so that going back to school will not be so traumatic this year ? Motivation is one of the big child behavior problems and the article sets out very clearly what you can do to get results.

Motivating Underachievers II:
Get Your Unmotivated Child on Track before School Starts

by James Lehman, MSW

In Part II of Motivating Underachievers, James explains what you can do to get your child on track before school starts—and how you can motivate them to do their school work during the year.

"I believe that when kids are so-called lazy, that's really an attitudinal issue about 'Why bother, my life's not going to get any better anyway.'"

For a teen-ager, there are many ways to say “screw you” to your parents. And for underachieving kids, being motivated to do nothing is one of those ways. I believe that when kids are so-called lazy, that's really an attitudinal issue about “Why bother, my life's not going to get any better anyway.” And when kids develop that kind of attitude, many times there's a lot of stuff going on in their lives which overwhelms them. Resisting their parents’ expectations is one way that they can feel like they’re in control. For these children and teens, the path to power becomes a game of withholding and resisting, and they often sink under the waves at school. The sad part is that this game only works until they’re young adults—and then no one else will be willing to play it with them.

What to Say to Kids Who Had a Bad Year Last Year

For the kids who had a hard time in school the previous year, parents should be talking to them about what they learned from that hard time. After all, we're supposed to learn from difficulty. While this talk should ideally happen at the end of the school year, you can still have this conversation now. (Be prepared for the fact that kids will often deny that it was that bad a year—that’s why it’s good to have the conversation while the year is still fresh in their mind, in the spring.)

Before school starts and when things are going well, sit down with your child, and say, “Look, there's something that I think would be helpful to talk about. What did you learn from what you went through last year? I'm not criticizing, but what did you learn?” And then the follow up question should be, “And what will you do differently this year?” Not what they'll say differently. “What will you do differently to stay on top of your grades,” or “What will you do differently to get along better with your classmates or with the teachers? Let’s pick one thing you can do right now from day one that will help you move in that direction.”

When kids stumble and fall, I think our goal is to always ask what they're going to do differently and what they’ve learned. When my son would fail a test, I would say, “What did you learn from this? And what are you going to do differently?” These questions talk about the future and get the child to think about what they will do to change the outcome. I looked at it this way: the test was over, and he failed it. That was the natural consequence. I didn't need to make speeches at him or blame him, because that’s not an effective way to get change. I was interested in what he was going to do so he would pass the next test.

The whole coaching and teaching role is about, “What did you learn from this, what are you going to do differently, how can I help you with those skills?” Sometimes what your child is going to do differently is do his homework at the kitchen table so somebody is there to make sure that he does it. Sometimes it's going to be studying with a friend. But you always want concrete answers to what your child's going to do differently, whenever they have a hard time and whenever they slip up.

If they don't come through with any ideas or say, “I don’t know,” you should make some suggestions and have them pick one. Certainly, you can try to reason with them. But there's nothing wrong with saying, “I want to see your homework every day till you pass the next test.” Or “I want your door open when you do the homework until you pass the next test.” It’s OK to lay that down on them so that the accountability becomes more personal. But first, you give them a chance. That way, the next time you have this talk with them, your child will know what's going on. He'll have the script, he'll know what he's supposed to say and do.

6 Things You Can Do to Get Your Kids back on Track before School Starts:

Start Waking up Early: A week before school starts, have all your kids use their alarms and wake up at the time they’ll be getting up during the school year. They should wash their face, brush their teeth and come out and have breakfast. Afterward, they can go back to sleep, start their day—whatever they normally do. What you want to get them used to is doing their hygiene at a certain time, getting dressed at a certain time and showing up in the kitchen in time to make your school bus or their ride.

Start Having an Hour of Quiet Time at Night. Have quiet time at night if you don't already have it. This will become part of their homework time. But for now, let them read a book, comics, or magazines. What they do in quiet time is not as important as the fact that there's no electronics—including cell phones and texting—during this time.

Stop Allowing Your Teen to Go out at Night During the Week: For older kids, about a week before school, they should not be able to go out at night. They have to get back into their school schedule, which means saying, “No going out to socialize after dinner, you have to stay home.” So your child will get used to being home at night. Over the summer, teen-agers tend to get more and more freedom. That's just a natural process, especially if they're older teens. What you want to do is get them to gravitate toward the home, which is one of the centers of their educational life. You go to school from home; you go to sports activities from home; you do your homework at home. In the summer, “outside the home” becomes the focus. Whether it's day camp or camping out with your friends by the lake for four days, the focus is outside of the home. This is good, but now kids need to be brought back in.

Don't be surprised if your child or teen resists this. Let’s face it, it's hard to get back on track. Picture yourself coming back from vacation, and think of how hard it can be to get back in the groove at work. You will probably hear your child make excuses like, “It's not school yet, I'm still on vacation.” That may be true, but I think you want to say to them very clearly, “You need to get back on track. And once you do these things, if you stay home after dinner, you can do what you want except for that hour of quiet time. And after you get up in the morning, you can do what you want after we meet in the kitchen. You can have breakfast, go back to bed, go hang with your friends.”

Remember, Rehearsaland Repetition prepare children for their responsibilities. Intellectualizing doesn't work. Preaching doesn't work. Philosophizing doesn't work. What works is the concrete tasks of rehearsal and repetition. That’s true for all kids—and even more so for teenagers.

Keep Track of Your Child’s Assignments: Have your child’s teacher email you his homework assignments or have him carry an assignment book back and forth, so that there's communication between you and the school. You should know exactly what your child has to do that night. And then you should set up some kind of reward system when he does it.

Consider Rewarding Your Child for Good Grades: If my son got all A's and B’s, he was rewarded with some cash. If he didn't, he didn't get punished; he just didn't get the money. We didn’t threaten him or anything; it was just a standing thing in our home. When my son didn't do well on the test, I asked him, “So what are you going to do differently next time?” That's what you have to do with underachievers. “What'd you learn from this?” They might say, “I don't know, I didn't learn anything.” And then you can say, “Well, I'd like you to learn that maybe you should've studied more. Or maybe you should've studied with a friend.” In fact, sometimes studying with another child helps your child get motivated. Nothing motivates kids like studying with other kids—nothing. In my opinion, well-managed study groups are very helpful.

Have Your Child Earn the Right to Study on His Own: You can also motivate your child to succeed by having them earn rights around the house. “When you get all B's and above, you can go to your room and do your homework. But as long as you have C's and B's, you will not study in your room. More than one C and you're down here.” It's completely dealt with that way. So in order to function more independently, your child has to achieve. He just doesn't get to go to his room and do his homework by himself—he has to be near a parent at all times.

Natural Consequences: Let me be clear: failure is a part of life. By the time kids hit their teenage years, they're sick of failure. But failure is just one of the things that they encounter all along the way, from the time they're two years old to when they're 17. Believe me, kids know when they've failed, they understand what that means. I personally believe that you have to let your child experience natural consequences. This means you should let them fail that year in school or let them fail that subject. If that still doesn't motivate them or if it adds to their lack of motivation, that's when you have to seek professional help.

Why are Smart or “Gifted” Kids Sometimes Underachievers?

Gifted is a funny word. People throw it around a lot these days, and parents cling to it because they crave it. But gifted is as gifted does. In other words, gifts are not gifts until you use them to accomplish something. There may be wonderful gifted painters in the world, but we see DaVinci's work. There may be wonderful, gifted actors, but we see DeNiro's body of work. We see people who have used their gifts and worked hard to create something. Maybe DaVinci and DeNiro were gifted, but they also worked their butts off to produce their accomplishments.

If they told me that my son was gifted, that would not be good news for me unless he was performing. If your child is doing well and they actually tell you he's gifted, great. But if he's not performing and they tell you he's gifted, they're telling you that something's wrong. What they’re telling you is, “He understands what's going on and he's making the non-constructive choice not to do it.” And that's not good news. Also, I would caution parents not to get confused by words like gifted and smart; that's how you're being misdirected. I think that when the school says your child is gifted, sometimes what they’re saying is, “We don’t want to take any responsibility. He's smart enough to do this himself.”

I believe that while sometimes we're too stingy with praise, we’re sometimes too quick to give it. Sometimes we're too quick to say “That's a great job” instead of saying, “I see you’re trying harder. That's cool.” We’re too quick to label a child gifted without giving him the right kind of help. I recommend not to give kids things as if they're completely accomplished in life. Always talk about their progress.

When you’re working with teenagers who are underachievers, it’s hard to sit down and have these conversations sometimes. Believe me, I know it is hard work to talk with teenagers. But you have to do things that are hard if you're a parent; there are no shortcuts. We need to be coaches, teachers and limit setters for our children if we want them to succeed in life. Coaching your child to do better is one of the key ways to become a more effective parent. Always remember, the goal is not to become a good parent—and it’s not even to avoid being a bad parent. Rather, the goal is to become a more effective parent. That’s not ever an easy task, but the goal is extremely worthwhile.

Motivating Underachievers II: Get Your Unmotivated Child on Track before School Starts reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

Child Behavior Problem- How To Cope With Silence

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Health Freaks) — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 14:20:00 +0000

Sometimes child behavior problems manifest themselves in kids just not talking to you and giving you the silent treatment. How do you cope ? How do you react ? Here is a great article by James Lehman which gives you the way out to solve this particular child behavior problem.

Does Your Child Give You the Silent Treatment?
6 Rules for Getting Kids to Talk

by James Lehman, MSW

Kids use the silent treatment as a way to freeze you out, to get you to leave them alone, and to push your buttons. What most parents don’t realize is that under the surface, something else is going on: the silent treatment is giving your child a feeling of power and control over you.

Here's the simple truth: when you stop responding to the silent treatment, it will die by neglect—and that’s exactly what you want.

What's behind your child’s thinking? Usually they’re angry or embarrassed. In fact, often you'll get the silent treatment when your child has done something wrong and knows it. They use the silent treatment to blackmail you emotionally. The hard part for parents is that the more you make an issue of it or act like it's painful or annoying to you, the more your child is going to use it to get to you.

I think it’s important for you to realize that if your child gives you the silent treatment, that's probably the best problem-solving skill he has at that moment. Simply put, he’s trying to deal with whatever issue is at hand by using this passive aggressive behavior. And by withholding information or thoughts, he has found a way of getting the upper hand. This type of passive aggressive behavior is very destructive in relationships later in life—and it’s definitely a pattern that you don't want to give in to and reward in your child.

The First Rule: Don't Take It Personally

I think many parents take the silent treatment personally. After all, it's designed to make you feel powerless as a parent—and parents hate that feeling. Just remember that there's more power in responding to it the right way than there is in getting into an ego struggle with your child. Avoiding getting into a fight with your child always gives you more control than engaging in it does.

Kids really do need to learn to deal with their problems appropriately and take responsibility. And as a parent, you have to let them grow up. If you keep letting the silent treatment affect you by giving in to your child so they’ll be “nice” and talk to you, then you're falling into the martyr trap. Giving in to them gives them the wrong message.

I believe that one of the lessons kids have to learn as they grow up is what their “right size” is. Your child’s right size is that he’s a human being, and not some huge giant who can control you by withholding. If he’s an adolescent, his right size is that he’s a teen struggling with things that ten million other kids are struggling with. Your role as a parent is to say, “We'll help you as much as we can, but don't take it out on us.” And if you give your kids too much power, you're missing the point—and they’re missing out on a valuable lesson.

The Second Rule: Give Your Child a Clear Message

I think it's very important that you give your child a clear message when he gives you the silent treatment. You should say, “Not responding to me is not going to solve your problem. When you're ready to talk about it, I'll be here.” And here's the important part: “Until then, no cell phone use.” Or, “Until we talk, no electronics.” That way, your child has a motivation to talk and to solve the problem. And you're not pressing him or pushing him. Once you make that statement, go on about your business. Don't let it be a big deal or a stumbling block. Believe me, if you don't give the behavior power, you're going to be a lot better off in the long run.

The Third Rule: Reach Out Once, Then Leave Your Child Be

I think it’s fine if you want to check in and reach out to your child if they’re still not talking to you. In our family, my wife would do that with our son, but I didn’t. I always felt that my son didn't need two of me and he didn't need two of his mother. He needed one of each of us; that was the balance that worked. Personally, I would urge you not to reach out to your child more than once after you’ve made your statement regarding his lack of communication. Going to your child and pleading with him to talk gives him too much power— and lets him know very clearly that his withholding of communication is getting to you.

By the way, if the silent treatment is a chronic problem with your child, I would suggest that you not reach out at all. Just remind him that his unwillingness to talk is not solving his problem and that you'd love to speak with him when he’s ready—and that you’ll hang onto his cell phone until he is. Try to say this with a look on your face that's pleasant. Remember, kids get a lot of your message from the look on your face. When my son was growing up, I would always try to wear an expression that said, “Everything's okay.” At the group home where I worked with behaviorally disordered kids, I never gave in to the urge to yell. I wouldn't blame or point the finger at them. I'd be just as nice as pie, no matter how frustrated I felt at times. I’d say, “All right, when you're ready, we'll talk about it. And until then, no electronics. This will give you some time to think.” And then I’d leave and let them tell me when they were ready to talk. That way, I had the control but they got to decide when they wanted to speak.

The Fourth Rule: Give Your Child Motivation to Comply

Here’s the simple truth: when you stop responding to the silent treatment, it will die by neglect—and that’s exactly what you want. Believe me, kids will get out of the habit of freezing you out if it's not rewarding. And if they want to get something back that they value, they will talk, so always give them motivation to comply.

By the way, if your child agrees to speak with you, but then starts balking, tell him, “Look, if you're not ready to sit down and talk with me, then let's not do it now. Calm down and wait till you’re ready. But until then, no electronics.” So there's some incentive for your child to comply, and you’re also giving him a choice.

Remember, our primary goal as parents is to get kids to comply. The assumption behind this statement is that you have a “good enough” family and home. “Good enough” meaning: all the child’s basic needs are being met. The parents are not abusive to their kids and they don't let their kids abuse each other. There's support for school and schoolwork, there's an interest in how the child is doing and how they're learning. If you have that kind of structure in your home, you certainly do have a right to ask your kids to comply with your rules. Some psychotherapists might not say that you have that right, but I believe you do—and if you don't get compliance, then that should be your goal. Your child doesn't have to like it, and that’s OK. Let’s face it, he's not going to like everything you do as a parent, even when you have his best interests in mind.

The Fifth Rule: Don’t Go to Your Child’s Level

I don't believe that you should ever go to your child's level when it comes to inappropriate behavior. If their best shot at trying to solve a problem is to give you the silent treatment, I don't think you should respond to their broken problem-solving skills by doing the same thing. Similarly, if your child screams at you, screaming back won't solve the problem for either of you. The idea is not to fight fire with fire, but to try something else that’s more effective.

Remember, we don't want to start fights—and when one starts, we want to get out as quickly as possible. Going to your child’s level almost always results in a fight. And you simply cannot win when you're fighting with someone who has nothing to lose. If you give your child the silent treatment in response to his lack of communication, you’re essentially engaging in a fight with him.

The Sixth Rule: Make Participation in Family Life a Requirement

Adolescents go through a stage where they develop a kind of contempt for family living—and they show it. Teens who are better-behaved will be more passive about it. Often they’ll shrug, roll their eyes and say “whatever.” They’re not really being aggressive or abusive, but they’re not engaging with you, either. If you have an adolescent who is acting that way but is still complying with the house rules, I recommend that you just leave it alone.

Now if you want everybody to come to dinner every night, then you have to make that a rule. I think it’s great if your family can do that, but many families can't manage it, and I understand: everybody's working, going to school, doing sports—it's crazy. But if you decide you want to have a sit down dinner every Sunday, for example, require your adolescent child to be there. Expect them to stay for the whole meal. Let them sit there, make faces and say “whatever.” It doesn't matter—just ignore that kind of thing. Again, you don’t want to give those little annoying behaviors power over you or your kids will use them to try to push your buttons. If the behavior becomes more obnoxious, speak with them about it privately and give consequences if they still don’t comply.

So if there's a basic family function, I'd have your child participate. If he's not respectful, I would hold him accountable for that by giving him a consequence. It's his responsibility to behave appropriately. You have the right as a parent to have him comply with that.

Here’s the bottom line: If you don't give the silent treatment any power, your child will stop using it because it doesn't get them anywhere. If you make the mistake of giving it power over you, any time your child is frustrated, angry, or upset with you—or encounters a problem they can't deal with—they'll rely on that silent treatment to get their needs met. Instead, you have to coach and teach your child by saying, “Refusing to talk to me won’t solve your problems.” The key is to motivate them to give up that broken problem-solving skill and find an appropriate one that works.

Does Your Child Give You the Silent Treatment? 6 Rules for Getting Kids to Talk reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

Back To School Concerns And Worries

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Health Freaks) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 13:47:00 +0000

One of the main worries is how to help a child cope with bullying. The main strategy in the article below is to help the kid realize that the taunts and mocking have no element of truth in them and that the parents need to bolster his self confidence by emphasising his strong qualities. There is also a technique to teach the child to walk away from bullies and this can be practised at home. You will need a contact person at the school to make sure that things are not getting out of hand.

Other back to school concerns are about getting homework done and handed in, trying to get children out of bed for school every morning and how to cope with the unmotivated child.

For a full rundown on all the strategies read the article here.

Top Five Concerns for Back to School

FUNNY Video On ADHD !

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Health Freaks) — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 14:19:00 +0000

Finally a FUNNY video on ADHD ! But it provides food for thought. How much do we really know about the ADHD meds? What about ADHD diagnosis- how accurate is it ? Are psychostimulant drugs the answer? Basically this video carries the message that there ARE alternative treatments for ADHD out there. Careful diagnosis is a MUST and above all, we need to keep a more open mind on all the ADHD hype and maybe approach with a little more caution all the hype that is thrown at us.

Behavior therapy for ADHD and indeed for any parenting problem such as the defiant child, oppositional defiant disorder and general child behavior problems are all worth looking at.

Get more information on ADHD advice

Severe ADHD

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Health Freaks) — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 07:37:00 +0000

Severe ADHD cannot be treated with pills. What we need are skills ! Skills? Yes, skills learnt from behavior modification. That is why the UK government actually pays for parents of kids with severe ADHD to attend classes. What do they learn in these classes ? They learn how to impose limits, set up a rewards system and a behavior chart. Laying down the rules and the bottom lines and learning the skills needed to keep to them is essential.

If your kid is totally unmanageable and out of control and is causing problems at home and at school, then read the article on severe ADHD

Learn about a great behavior modification course for severe ADHD

Check out this lens on ADHD Behavior Therapy

Self Help for Depression

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Health Freaks) — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 11:57:00 +0000

Why don't doctors advise us more about our lifetsyle when prescribing anti- depressant medications ? This is a good question because it raises the whole question about self help for depression. Apart from the side effects of depression medications which include weight gain and loss of libido, there are many things the depressed person can do to change his or her whole lifetsyle and even get rid of the medications. For example, we now know that three times a week sweat breaking exercise can be just as effective as a good dose of the SSRIs which doctors are so fond of prescribing ! THEY ALSO FORGET TO TELL US THAT AS SEROTONIN WHICH GOVERNS OUR MOOD ALSO CONTROLS OUR APPETITE AND OTHER ESSENTIAL BRAIN FUNCTIONS

Read the full article here on SELF HELP FOR DEPRESSION

Want to learn more about self help for depression ?

My Child Is Wild - Should I Medicate Him?

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Health Freaks) — Wed, 20 May 2009 06:49:00 +0000

If your child is suffering from ADHD or has some other behavior disorder, you have to make a decision whether to medicate or not. Unfortunately the medications are mostly based on amphetamine type drugs and you do not want your child to take a Schedule Class 2 drug ! These medications CAN work in relieving symptoms and your child may be calmer but while the symptoms are alleviated, the behavior problems remain ! No medication can solve a behavior problem and recent research shows that behavior modification together with some medication or even without any at all, is the only effective way to get over the problem. Read the article below for a good overview of the problem before you decide anything for your child.

Out Of Control Behavior- Should I Medicate My Child?

The Wellness Bible

Why Natural Treatments For ADHD Are Superior To Medication.

Kids Behavior Problems

Could Vitamin D Be The Next Cure For Cancer?

Tired of Yelling at Your Child? Stop Screaming-and Start Parenting Effectively

Dealing with Child Temper Tantrums from Toddler to Pre-teen

Dealing with Child Temper Tantrums from Toddler to Pre-teen

"My Child's Behavior Is So Bad, Where Do I Begin?"How to Coach Your Child Forward

Dealing With Anger In Children And Teens

Dealing with Anger in Children and Teens, Part 2: Effective Tools to Help You Handle It

Consistent Parenting - Unlock The Secret

Consistent Parenting: Unlock the Secret

Restless and Bored: How to Use Structure to Keep Your Child from Getting into Trouble This Summer

Restless and Bored: How to Use Structure to Keep Your Child from Getting into Trouble This Summer

Parenting Tip of the Week: Help Teens Combat Back to School Anxiety

Parenting Tip of the Week: Help Teens Combat Back to School Anxiety

Bribing Kids vs. Rewarding Kids for Good Behavior: What's the Difference?

Bribing Kids vs. Rewarding Kids for Good Behavior: What's the Difference?

Why You HAVE To Be The Boss !

Your Child is Not Your Equal: Why You Have to Be the Boss

Help Your Child Get Better Grades At School

Sinking Fast at School: How to Help Your Child Stay Afloat

Why Is Everyone Always Mad At Me ?

"Why Is Everyone Always Mad at Me?"Why Misreading Social Cues Leads to Acting Out Behavior

Homework Hell?

Homework Hell? Part I: How to Turn It Around

Treating ADHD In Children

Brilliant Video On How To Parent A Defiant Child.

Child Behavior Programs - How To Choose

How To Motivate Your Child

Motivating Underachievers II:Get Your Unmotivated Child on Track before School Starts

Child Behavior Problem- How To Cope With Silence

Does Your Child Give You the Silent Treatment? 6 Rules for Getting Kids to Talk

Back To School Concerns And Worries

FUNNY Video On ADHD !

Severe ADHD

Self Help for Depression

My Child Is Wild - Should I Medicate Him?

Tired of Yelling at Your Child?
Stop Screaming-and Start Parenting Effectively

Dealing with Child Temper Tantrums
from Toddler to Pre-teen

"My Child's Behavior Is So Bad, Where Do I Begin?"

How to Coach Your Child Forward

Dealing with Anger in Children and Teens,
Part 2: Effective Tools to Help You Handle It

Bribing Kids vs. Rewarding Kids for Good Behavior:
What's the Difference?

"Why Is Everyone Always Mad at Me?"
Why Misreading Social Cues Leads to Acting Out Behavior

Homework Hell?
Part I: How to Turn It Around

Motivating Underachievers II:
Get Your Unmotivated Child on Track before School Starts

Does Your Child Give You the Silent Treatment?
6 Rules for Getting Kids to Talk