Thank Goodness For The Good Ones

How to Control Your Rage

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Tue, 14 May 2013 16:22:00 +0000

There are certain situations in life that cause us to be so angry and sometimes, it’s hard to control.
Close your eyes and try to remember that situation.
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Wait. Okay. Not that angry.

I know, certain situations or things people do or say can fill us with so much rage.

Like what I said in my How To Deal With Negative Feelings post, try to think of an outlet.

No, wait. Don’t look at that person. I know I used to say punching a random person in the face helps but I’ve changed. That opinion doesn’t matter anymore.

When I say “outlet”, I didn’t mean punch someone. That would be painful. Not to the person you punched but to you. Your knuckles. I mean, yeah, their face would hurt, too, but who cares?

So… outlet.

1. Think happy thoughts.

Like when Kanye West interrupted Taylor Swift’s speech.

Or when Sacha Baron Cohen as The Dictator "accidentally" poured Kim Jong Il's urn all over Ryan Seacrest’s clothes at the red carpet.

I know. HAHA. That shit was funny.

2. Sing. And dance, too, if you can.

For example:

I don't know but this should be a dance craze.

Look very closely. Observe her facial expression. Do you see it? She looks pretty pissed off in the beginning BUT she danced the rage that's building inside of her away. You'll notice that it's working on her.

3. Find a hobby.

When you start feeling that heaviness in the chest and you feel like you’re about to explode or turn into The Incredible Hulk, do that hobby and focus on it. Draw. Shave someone’s head. Twerk. Whatever! Anything just to turn you back into the peace-loving, delicate butterfly that you know you are.

A few minutes later...

See how it works?

4. Write it down.

You can write it in a letter. It's your choice whether you want to send the letter or not. Or write it anywhere. Like your neighbor's car. What's important is you let it out of your system. Remember, be gentle. CONTROL. YOUR. RAGE. Keep the friendly vibe in your writing.

5. Tell the person exactly what you’re thinking or feeling.

Out of all the things mentioned above, saying what you feel works the best. But remember, when you do this, try not to sound too angry, even when you’re almost in a murderous rage. We're talking about self-control here. Smile. Smile at that basic bitch while saying what you feel.

*****

In other news, it's going to be my birthday next month. Remember what we did last year? The "Challenge Gnetch" Challenge? Want to do it again? Then E-mail me (or message me on Facebook or send me a DM on Twitter... whatever) your challenges and if they're good, I'll make another video, just like I did last year. Remember, don't post the challenges in the comments.

I'm such a pushover sometimes.

Last year's video is private now. HAHA.

UPDATE:

I don't have time to make a video so ignore the last part. Sorry. I fail at life. I know.

Why Cutting Onions Makes You Cry: The Truth Behind the Bullshit

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Mon, 18 Mar 2013 13:50:00 +0000

People come up with a lot of ridiculous "facts" about why cutting onions makes your eyes water or why it makes people cry. They make up these ridiculous scientific reasons like amino acid sulfoxides form sulfenic acids and blah blah blah and sulfuric acid and shit. Psh. Come on!

Here's the REAL truth.

Cutting onions makes us cry to make revenge.

For killing them.

It's an onion, guys. Get over it.

That sulfuric acid thing that our Science teachers told us about back in school? It is actually the onion's [are you ready for this?] ghost. And that ghost comes out when you cut the onion.

And it whispers mean things to you and only you can hear them.

Whether those things are true or not, they can cause you so much anguish and pain. Notice how you become an emotional wreck right after cutting an onion? Well you can TRY to convince yourself that your eyes are just irritated but you know that's not true.

It doesn't even need Melinda Gordon to send you a message. It can talk to you WITHOUT her help.

Pretty badass, huh?

An onion ghost can make you feel stupid.

It has the ability to re-open wounds that you thought are healed.

Only you would know if this is true or not but still... Right?

It can make you feel bad about yourself by mentioning some of your insecurities.

The person who drew this must be lazy. Oops?

Make fun of your favorite celebrity.

Seriously though.

It knows everything about you and will remind you of the ones that you are too ashamed to remember.

At least it didn't say "Nick Carter phase".

See?

Onion ghosts are heartless. HEARTLESS!

Well, that was harsh.

Anyway...

That, my friends, is the reason why cutting onions makes us cry. Facts straight from me. No scientific bullshit.

Believe me, I know. Because I cook.

Now, for some deep thoughts: Have you ever wondered how many onion ghosts are wandering around your house right now? Watching you? Laughing at you? Peeking at you in the shower? Waiting for their chance to get revenge for their death?

How many onions did you cut today? Are you scared now?

*****

I just want to say Google sucks for killing Google Reader. I have transferred all my feeds to Feedly but it is still confusing to me.

So... guys. If you want some alternatives on how to better stalk me without Reader, look at my sidebar. The options are there. There's E-mail subscription, Twitter, Facebook page, Bloglovin, etc.

Yup.

But I'm still not over the fact that Google is killing Reader, and it's not even gone yet. Is blogging really dead? Fucking Google. Murderer.

The Coworker from Hell

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Wed, 13 Feb 2013 14:32:00 +0000

Though I get irritated pretty easily, especially when I'm PMS-ing, I'd like to believe that I'm even-tempered.

Or maybe not, since I already said I get irritated easily. What I mean is that I get annoyed easily but I don't get angry. At least not right away.

BUT.

No matter how nice you are, there will always be one person who will irritate the shit out of you to the point that it leads to slight anger that just the sound of their voice ruins your day. It can be someone who makes too much noise, someone who thinks they are funny when they're not, someone who tries to hard at every thing, someone who thinks they are the smartest person ever, or someone who thinks they are the most attractive thing that has ever walked on earth that they keep talking about how this certain person is attracted to them and that you should feel lucky if they talked to you because they are THAT big of a deal. It's worse when all these things are in ONE PERSON.

Now. What if you are the type who like to avoid social interaction, especially when this annoying person is involved? And what if you have to see this person every fucking day because they go to your school or you work with them?

And what if you work with them AND YOUR BOSS FORCES YOU TO WORK FROM 12-15 HOURS A DAY?

Almost.

Difficult situation. I know.

Every day, you have to go through the agony of hearing them ~~making noise~~ talking. While you know you're a pretty cool person, it takes a lot to NOT be irritated. The feeling just gradually grows inside of you until it finally comes out of your mouth. Like, you know, when you overeat and you get regurgitation.

Okay. Bad example. But you get my point.

No matter how hard you try, the hate will just sneak up inside you.

The moment you come in to work, it's like:

You don't want to ruin your day so you start ignoring the noise by minding your own business.

But the noise is just hard to ignore.

It's like she eats sugar for breakfast because her energy is just too much.

TOO.

MUCH.

And the noise won't stop.

Then the hate starts to build up and the *slightly* mean thoughts start to form.

You regret thinking that and start minding your own business again and hope that lunch comes really fast so you'll be left alone with people that aren't as... uh... noisy.

But you're wrong.

Because when the lunchtime comes...

But you still don't get the quiet you've been hoping for because you can hear her from the lunch room.

As if your job isn't stressful enough, she adds up to the fucking stress because she has an opinion in EVERYFUCKINGTHING.

And as the day goes on, this coworker starts getting more hyper. More hyper than she already is in the morning.

You'd be like:

The humor she thinks she has gets worse, the laughter becomes higher and louder, and she has a comment and criticism on everything that moves.

By the end of the day, you'd be all stressed out because of work...

And tired. Of hearing shit.

Stressful job + annoying coworker = HELL

No one deserves this agony, you guys.

No one.

half-sober half-drunk don't tell my mom

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Mon, 24 Dec 2012 16:54:00 +0000

I feel like I just blinked and it's almost the end of 2012 already.

But I'm not here to talk about Christmas or how 2012 was and shit. I'm here to talk about being cool online.

I'm an expert. Ask my mom.

I'm just kidding. Don't ask my mom. She doesn't knwo.

So there are people who still have difficulty being cool online. It's like you can still feel their awkwardness through the internet and sometimes, it's gets too painful to watch them try.

Yeah, there are times that my own words offend me.

So while I'm trying to regain my almost-popular status that I had about two years ago, I decided to reformat my blog for 2013. You know, like when TV viewers lose interest in TV shows so the producers decide to kill off characters and add some new ones? Or try to sexy it up because sex sells, apparently?

But I'm not going to do that.

Or maybe I will.

Because I want to be so much cooler online than I am in real life.

(There was supposed to be a drawing of me here saying "Hmmmm" but I can't draw and my hand isn't fully functionla at the moment so just use your imagintion.)

So here is my plan.

First, adding the sexy.

Do you guys like pole dancing?

There you go.

You're welcome.

Second, I'll start Internet slangs more. I know I use OMG and OMFG a lot but these don't make me cool enough. I need to use more.

Like, if people unnecessarily use fancy words to sound smart and try to memorize the Thesaurus to use in conversations to impress people, I'll use the Urban Dictionary to sound cool.

Okay, I changed my mind. I searched random words on Urban Dictionary and then I saerched my name and I didn't like some of the results.

I hate Urban Dictonary now. With a passion.

But I'll still probs use more slang words because it totes make peeps cool.

Third, I'll gangsta' my blog up. I'll change my blog name from Thank Goodness for the Good Ones to:

OMFG, that's so dope!

Don't tell me you don't think I can rock it.

I'm a newbie at this and I don't know a lot of gangster-y words but I found a website called Gizoogle OMG is it awesome.

It's time to learn shiznit.

You remember the post where I told you the perks of adopting me? I think if I had discovered Gizoogle then, it would have gotten more response and one of you could be have offered to adopt me now.

Because I translated that post now and look what happened:

It's neva' too late to reconsider, yo!

I also Gizoogled Taylor Swift's song.

And maybe if she had known about this, Kanye wouldn't have hated her so much.

I also gizzoigled quotes by Confucius and i'ts awesome.

These are some of his famous quotes:

And these are the doped-up quotes.

Uh. Don't tell me you don't like it better.

Gosh.

So yeah. I actosally forgot wehre this post is going. I'm sorry. I fail at life.

Haha. Remember when I said that on my video blog?

Of course you don't.

Sometimes I wonder if pets roll their eyes when humans baby talk them. because when I hear girls baby talk their boyfriends, I roll my eyes. It makes me want to vomit in their faces OH MY GOD STAHP.

Im'n ot saying I'm a pet. Don't think I said that.

Half of this blog post was written sober and half was writne drunk. It's up to you to figure out which part was written sober. But don't waste yiour time. It's okay tont to know. I'm also using Dvorak keyboard so don't tyr to check if my typos are acceptable by looking at your keyboard. I know I have typos because of the red squiggly lines under my words but it's okay. Hannah Montana once said nobody's perfect.

Oh and Merry Christmas fuckers. You all are awesome! I really mean that. Shout out to the birthday boy!!! Don't drink too much.

What am i doing with my life?

I have to go. I have to work on Christmas day. I actually should be sleeping already because it's late.

Rmember the apocalypse? me neither.

How to Deal with Negative Feelings

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Mon, 15 Oct 2012 14:47:00 +0000

People who don't have negative feelings are full of shit.

That's the best intro ever, I know. Aren't you proud, internet friends?

So I have this problem where, if I am not close friends with a certain person, I would have a hard time telling them something that I think would be mean, even if it bothers me so much, and it sometimes hurts in the chest.

So when this happens, I ask a few trusted friends what to do. But sometimes, there are friends who would go, "Oh if I were in that situation, I would tell them to fuck off and leave me alone and punch them because I'm frank and straight to the point and tough and a badass and I don't care about anything."

But once they are in a similar situation, they won't do anything.

Well.

Assuming that while some of you may not have a problem telling people to fuck off *raises one eyebrow*, there are also some who think there are better ways of dealing with things.

Because who knows, maybe the asshole who did something that bothered you is also going through something and you being harsh to them is just the sign they've been waiting for to set themselves on fire?

It will be in your conscience, you know.

I can be very enlightening sometimes. You're welcome.

So what do I do when I'm in this situation without, you know, being harsh?

Personally? Aside from blogging, I draw. A lot. I draw wholesome things. Kid-friendly things.

Writing your feelings down and drawing are both very therapeutic. Not only will it get your head off of that thing that bothers you, but the colors can help you relax as well.

Plus, it doesn't require exercise so how much win is that?

Here are a few samples of the things that helped me tolerate the day-to-day annoyances that I go through.

Sometimes, I channel my inner 3-year-old and embrace my innocence.

At times that I have bigger problems, I go really deep and edit pictures hipster style* because some issues are just too hard to face and accept.

Like lies.

Or betrayal.

Or anger.

I'm pretty sure he's humping some bug. Or a worm. How nasty, this cat.

Sometimes, I take things harder than I'm supposed to.

And it's just hard to move on.

There are times that I'm confused.

In life, there are battles you have to face, in which you'll get wounded.

During times that I can't express what I feel, I quote lines from movies.

Or deep lyrics from songs.

It helps me express what I feel without hurting anyone. And it's very artistic. Even my laptop does it when it's starting to feel tired and overused.

So when life gets tough, my dear readers, don't lose hope. There's always a way.

You're welcome.

*Like, what does that text have to do with the picture. Answer me now, hipsters.

How to Deal With Arrogant People Part 6493

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Wed, 19 Sep 2012 14:57:00 +0000

I asked the people on Facebook (AHEEEEM) if they have a suggestion for a blog post and someone requested that I write a post on how to annoy an arrogant friend.

I have already written a lot of posts about arrogant people in the past, but there's no reason for me say no to this request ~~since no one else actually gave a fuck about my Facebook post.~~

And besides, her suggestion/request is awesome.

So anyway, let's go straight to the topic.

ar-ro-gant
Adj: Displaying an exaggerated sense of of self-worth or self-importance.

Synonyms: Proud, conceited, cocky, braggart, asshole, motherfucker, piece of shit, pain in the ass, ignorant, coward, insecure, throat-punchable, etc.

Arrogant people aren't that hard to spot. They are EVERYWHERE. In order to deal with them, you have to understand what they are going through, where they are coming from. Because all they need love and understanding.

JUST KIDDING.

Arrogant people expect that everybody loves them. They have this sense of self-worth that if they are loved, they think they deserve it and if they are hated, they think the other person is just insecure or intimidated. Because what's not to love? They are perfect.

Some arrogant people think that they are the prettiest thing their parents have ever created.

Well?

No. Don't do that. It's too violent.

The best thing to do is to stay calm. You can bring them back to earth. Just have faith.

Or something.

1. The Diversion

An arrogant person consistently talks about THEM and how important they are and how much they contribute to the world even if they're not doing anything. They also get offended when you correct or disagree with them. So here's what you can do:

If you run around the room while screaming, this will work better. Just imagine...

This won't make them humble but will definitely make them shut up.

But you'll look totally ridiculous. That's not my problem.

2. The Hug

Hugging is the subtlest way to make them shut up. When your arrogant friend starts bragging shit...

The world revolves around this asshole.

You look at them straight in the eye, shake your head and whisper, "No."

Then hug them. Tightly. Like they're the most important thing in the planet. Hug them like the special fucking snowflake that they are.

You need real tears to make this work.

But to make this work EVEN better, you need a background music.

Make a ballad version of Avril Lavigne's Complicated and play it while you're hugging your friend.

3. The Last Resort

So since arrogant people think everyone either loves them or is jealous of them, there is a huge possibility that my previous suggestions won't work. That is why you need another way to deal with them.

Arrogant people are insecure and the only way they know how to deal with their insecurity is to bring other people down. If they go overboard in bringing you down so they can feel better about themselves and you can't take it anymore, I think it's time to be a little bit harsh.

Yes. Tough love.

I hope I helped.

You're welcome.

The gifs aren't mine.

*****

I think I need a Dear Gnetch thingy on this blog. Want advice on things? I give awesome advice, you know? <---- SUPER HUMBLE.

So if you need some "advice" (suspicious quotation marks), you know what to do.

UPDATED It's Out To Get Me. I'm Sure Of It.

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Thu, 23 Aug 2012 12:36:00 +0000

Do you ever just sit down and realize how the weather may somehow have something against you and that it hates you so much?

Just me again? Okay.

Because I think it hates me. We've had this issue before, the weather and I, and guess what? It's still not done with me.

For example, during summer, the heat is unbearable. Actually, not just unbearable. It's OH-MY-GOD-I-WANT-TO-SLEEP-ON-A-HUGE-ICECUBE unbearable. Like it's trying to kill me.

But that's just like 5% of the problem. If you think the heat is the most evil of all, YOU'RE WRONG.

It's the rain. Rain is the most evil and hateful of all. It's actually kind of an asshole. It's like that person you know who always make positive first impressions, like the moment you see them you'd instantly think they're nice, sweet, perfect, educated, respectful, and adorable but when you get to know them, THEY ARE FUCKING ASSHOLES, and no one else will ever notice it because everyone is fucking naive.

I have issues. You know that already.

So anyway, I think the rain has that. Behind that very relaxing and romantic (for some people, NOT ME, MOM) and cooling effect on you, it's evil.

You may have not noticed it yet I'm telling you, that rain? THAT RAIN THAT YOU LOVE? It's evil.

Now, I don't mind drizzles of rain but downpour is too much!

Rain ruins plans. It ruins lives!

Especially if you don't have a car. *Ahem*

And if you accept your defeat and stay at home?

No internet? Okay. Watch TV.

WHY MUST YOU PLAY GOD?

I mean, I'm sorry but is messing up with my life make you wild and awaken your "inner goddess" rain?

Dude. You may think you're rock 'n' roll but in reality, you're just really annoyingly loud.

UPDATE:

So today after work, my friend and I decided to walk to the nearby mall. The following is a secret conversation between me and the rain:

See?

Excuse me for ignoring proper capitalization but tweeting from phone while walking WHILE it's raining is not easy.

Imagine me, a little Asian girl, with a huge bag slung on my right shoulder, holding the umbrella between my neck and left shoulder, and holding my phone with my hands tweeting. WHILE WALKING IN THE RAIN.

I know. I'm sorry for me too. *overdramatic exit*

Some Things Are Harder Than You Think

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Thu, 02 Aug 2012 14:34:00 +0000

You know what sucks?

Life. Life sucks. Especially when you can't decide between what you want and what you need.

Deep, I know.

So here's my problem: I know it's normal for most girls to crave a lot of food when PMS-ing, but compared to the random mood swings and cramps and headaches and body pain and frustrations and that feeling where you just want to strangle everyone who says something stupid, food craving is probably the worst.

Shit is serious. SERIOUS, you hear?

I'm not using PMS as an excuse. That's just the way life is and we just have to roll with it.

Life is complicated. You gotta do what you gotta do. Like, uh, eat.

Sometimes, it's hard to determine if it's hunger that you're feeling or just boredom. I swear, it's the toughest thing in life to figure out.

And I'm not even preggo.

So that, my friends, is a challenge for me. It is a challenge whether to give in or not. So I made a pros and cons chart:

Clearly, depriving myself of my food cravings is a big joke. I'm a joke. At least that's what my brain thinks. Or my tummy thinks. I don't know anymore.

It's true. For example, when I was working the night shifts, there were times that I would want a cake SO BAD but of course, with my schedule, it was very impossible for me to buy some because the bakeries that sell the awesomest cakes aren't open 24 hours.

And now that I'm working the days (day shift sucks guys. ~~I hate people.~~), by the end of my shift, I'm usually tired (and I mean REALLY TIRED) to bother to buy.

The thing is, if I don't get to eat what I'm craving, the thought of it will keep haunting me every day like a ghost of the past, which will make me sob inside because nobody loves me.

Wait.

Sorry. Weird flashback.

What the fuck.

So anyway, it's not just cake that does that to me. Sometimes, I crave burgers. HUGE burgers with juicy patties hot off the grill and OHHHHHHHHH... crispy French fries! And pizza! There are times that I even crave food (are you ready to hear this?) at 4 A.M. On a weekend.

Not that food cravings wake me up. I'm not THAT weird. I stay up late on weekends because of you, Internet people. (Also because I work at home on weekends but this part is boring.)

So when I go on Tumblr and/or Pinterest during these hours, there are always food posts and OH MY GOD...

It's a good thing that we can order fast food online!

But the bad thing? When you order online, you'll have to tell them how much money you're going to give the delivery guy so he can bring the exact change.

What's so bad about that, you ask? Doing that takes about eleventy million inconvenient steps!

Like first, I have to put my laptop down VERY carefully but not on the bed because my bed will burn.

And then think of a safe place to place the laptop.

And then I decide to use a book that's big enough to support the laptop but not too big to give the laptop space to breathe fire. I swear, my laptop is a fucking dragon. (If there's not a book nearby, that's another freaking step.)

After that, I have to get the huge blanket off of me.

Then get out of bed.

But then I have to remember where I put my money, which is in my wallet, and my wallet is in my bag. But where the fuck is my bag?

So I have to turn the lights on to look for my bag.

And then space out. It's unavoidable.

Then focus on focusing.

And then I have to eventually find out that the money in my wallet is enough for me to live comfortably for the rest of my life (if I die the next day).

After finding out that I'm poor, I have to change my mind about ordering food online because that shit is not practical and that I just have to lower my standards and eat whatever food is available in my house.

Then I have to do everything backwards to go back to bed.

After that, I have to fool myself into thinking that I don't want food that badly and remember that binge eating is really bad anyway.

And lastly, sulk and expect the Internet to amuse me.

All that trouble and what do I get? HEARTBREAK.

My life. It's harder than yours. But your milkshake probably brings all the boys to the yard. So yay for you.

Bad joke.

I should end this post with this:

And these:

AND THESE:

I know what you're thinking.

You're welcome.

Can you see these notes? Because these are important but I had to make it small and gray because... I don't know. I just did.

*I found this post in my drafts folder, unfinished. I totally forgot about this.

*The food pics aren't mine. I got them from Tumblr, my home.

Holla if you see these notes because that means you're awesome. If not, you're still awesome.

WITCHSTER

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Mon, 09 Jul 2012 13:46:00 +0000

I have many kinds of anger:

The kind that I forget after 10 seconds.
The kind that takes a day to sink in, which is very frustrating especially when, the moment it sinks in, it's not relevant to talk about anymore.
The kind that makes me create imaginary arguments in my head ~~in which you will win and I will hate you more~~.
The kind that makes me want to make you realize how stupid you are by using extreme sarcasm and snide remarks that you probably won't even understand.
The kind that frustrates me a lot that it makes me tear up.
The kind that makes me want to go Super Saiyan on you.
And the kind that makes my blood boil up inside and make me want to secretly take a picture of you and post it on the Internet because I will probably hate you forever. FOREVER.

And do you want to know what makes me that angry?

If you guessed slow walkers, you're wrong. Because slow walkers belong to the first level. Unless I'm PMS-ing. Then I would probably go Super Saiyan on slow walkers.

Okay not that intense. Just... Okay. Maybe on the inside.

But one of the things that make me extremely mad is BAD CUSTOMER SERVICE.

I know it's like I'm an asshole magnet that I should be used to it already.

Let me tell you a story about the day I met:

The Witchster: The Witch-Monster Hybrid.

It was a Saturday afternoon when I decided to go to my kind-of favorite salon to get hair straightening, hot oil, and a haircut. I have always been too lazy to iron or blow dry my hair every morning so I have it straightened once a year. I also wanted 3 inches cut from my hair just to get the dry ends out.

Most importantly, I wanted to relax, as it had been a stressful week.

I walked in the salon and asked the PMS-faced receptionist, "Is Michelle here?" Michelle was my favorite person in that salon. "She has resigned," the receptionist answered, uninterested.

Resigned. Shit.

It was like an omen. A dark cloud swept over me.

"What can we do for you?" She asked. She looked pissed, as if I did something to her in high school and she could not move on. "Hair straightening, hot oil, and a haircut," I said in a friendly way, ignoring her expression.

"Is it okay if I assign you to a different hairdresser?" She asked.

I hesitated. "Okay."

I got introduced to a woman with a fake friendly smile. She called me "Ma'am Net." Fuck. That alone should have made me run for my life, but I stayed.

An ominous music started playing in my head.

"I want the same haircut as I have now, layered, V-shaped, but 3 inches shorter." I instructed. She said yes. Then I added, "And please just straighten the roots, since the ends aren't frizzy." The woman nodded.

She assessed my hair and told me how much it cost and I paid.

Then she started her evil work. She did not follow my instruction of straightening just the roots. I was shedding so much hair. I knew something was up. The witch needed my hair for her voodoo doll. Or for something else.

The sense of foreboding increased as the strange woman worked on my hair. I was so close to having a heart attack so I tweeted my worries. Twitter can save people from heart attack and possible psychosis. Every one knew that. Soon, the world will not need doctors anymore. Just Twitter.

Sorry, future doctors.

These are just a few of my tweets that day.

No one cared. I was alone in this battle.

She shampooed and hot oiled my hair, then she rinsed it again. The way she was rinsing my hair was weird. Her boobs were in my face. THE HORROR.

I'll be scarred for life.

I tried my best to calm down, I swear I did. Then she asked the most horrifying question ever. "Would you like a straight haircut?"

You've gotta be fucking kidding me.

"Oh no!" I said, panicked. "You can't do the haircut I told you?"

"Of course I can. I will make your hair beautiful."

Then the haircutting began.

She parted my hair down the middle and stretched it in front of my face and chopped three inches off of it, one side after the other. Then she went on cutting the bangs.

"Wait," I said, forcing calmness. "You're only gonna cut 3 inches in total. Not 3 inches in every cut."

*Cue cinematic horror sound effect*

"Oh no, that's it." She said.

I was shocked. "That's it? This is the haircut I paid for? I could done this myself even if I was drunk!"

She was rather shocked that I did not like what she did. She started being defensive. "You told me you wanted a V-shaped haircut!"

"I did but not like this." The cut she did was not even close to what I told her.

She lost it. She morphed from being an ordinary human being to a monster.

"The hair you wanted wasn't possible, and it wasn't good. I gave you a better haircut! Look!" She exclaimed.

I explained that the cut I asked her was the haircut I always get.

She started making some sort of a scene, asking other hairdressers to give her a mirror so I can see what she did from the back.

"You don't need to do that. You should've just done what I instructed you."

"Okay!" She said. "I'll cut it again!"

"No way I'll ever let you touch my hair again."

Then I left. I left the Witchster and her lair. There was no point in staying. The other hairdressers were obviously scared of what she can do so they decided to stay out of it. I was a customer but none of them came to my rescue. She was a monster, obviously. A monster who cuts hair, burns it, and sniffs the fumes. Hair was her bath salts. I just knew. She will eat brains soon.

I had another haircut to fix the damage. But not from the Witchster. Not from the strange woman who possibly burns hair and smokes it.

THE CHALLENGE

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Tue, 12 Jun 2012 09:40:00 +0000

Okay, you guys! You asked for this.

Well because I asked you to ask for it. Or something.

So first of all, I would like to thank everyone who participated. Those who gave me awesome challenges. You don't know how much I wanted to do all your challenges. Especially Hailey's and Ria's and Middle Child's suggestions. Everything was so cool but I fail at life so I wasn't able to do them. No, I mean, work has been crazy and I didn't have enough time. Or I wasn't able to buy the prop(s) that you required. Maybe next time.

Those who E-mailed me but didn't tell me who they are, please tell me who you are.

So before you watch the video, can I make some disclaimers? Like, why this video sucks?

Yes, I have like a long list of excuses but I'll give you only five.

I still find it weird and awkward talking to a laptop. I don't know but every time I start filming, I would start talking like a robot. Also, want to know how many times I said "I'm sorry" while filming the video blog? 68 guys. SIXTY-EIGHT. But I managed to reduce them.
If the audio sucks, it's because I didn't use a microphone. I just used the built-in mic that my laptop has and I swear, I think you'll here some paranormal sounds and aliens and zombies and shit.
This is badly edited. I have deleted some important clips that shouldn't have been deleted and may have left some clips that should have been deleted. HEY! IT'S NOT LIKE I'M AN EXPERT YOUTUBER. And this is not even uploaded on YouTube.
I used Vimeo because YouTube won't upload my video. I've been trying since yesterday and it stays at 1% for hours. HOURS guys.

And that's it. I know I said five but I suck counting.

I swear, I don't talk like a robot in real life.

So thank you guys. You guys make getting older more bearable. Thanks to those who greeted me on Facebook and Twitter. I swear, I appreciate it. A lot.

Those who didn't greet me even if it's on your Facebook sidebar, especially those who decided not to greet me but managed to send me some app/game requests (heartbreaking much!) wait for my payback. I won't greet you on your birthday, too! HA! I'm so mature.

Just kidding.

So I'm gonna go cry now. Because of embarrassment. Also because of your awesomeness.

It's probably a bad idea to post on a weekend because who reads blogs on weekends? Except for me, everyone goes out! Right? But this is important. So.

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Sat, 19 May 2012 21:51:00 +0000

Give me a chance, this is a very short post. This probably wouldn't even take 10 minutes of your time.

Actually, it depends on how fast you can read. And think.

So anyway, a weird idea just came to me last night. Actually, it came to me the other night when I was at work but of course I was too lazy to write it yesterday when I got home and I was like, "Fuck it. I'll post it tomorrow!"

So I'm posting it now.

On a weekend.

Are you reading my blog on a weekend?

Then thank you and I love you.

So the idea: My birthday is coming next month, June 11th, and I thought, instead of the drunk blogging that I normally do, I decided I'd do something different! DIFFERENT! I mean, right?

(I just realized that I didn't drunk blog last year. Ha! I thought I did. Sorry. It was probably Christmas. But that's not important.)

So anyway, the idea.

Yup. that.

So basically, I'm challenging you all to challenge me! All you have to do is email me HERE and propose a challenge or make a suggestion. I will choose the one that I think would be hilarious (and if I think I could pull it off) then I will post it on my birthday!!! Yay!

I don't know what trouble I'm indulging myself into but yeah. I'll do my best.

You're welcome.

You can continue what you're doing now. I'm gonna go back to my articles.

Oh, oh, oh! If you have questions, you can post it in the comments section so if people have the same question as you, they will see it. I will answer them as soon as I can. But the suggestions should be E-mailed to me. (I was gonna close the comment section but I decided if any of you have questions, then... yeah.)

And if you want to send me gifts, it would be awesome, too! Just kidding.

So I'll talk to you guys soon.

THANKS SO MUCH AND HAVE A NICE WEEK AND EAT LOTS OF CAKE!

P.S. I might do a little marketing douchebaggery for this post until I find the best suggestion. So you've been warned.

I mean, forgive me. I won't do it on an hourly basis, promise.

UPDATE: So far, I have gotten 4 suggestions and they are all pretty hilarious (and embarrassing). I need more.

Also, going through my EmailMeForm E-mails, I found out how many E-mails I failed to reply to. I'm so sorry, I suck. I kinda forget things a lot. But I replied to them now even if they are like months old. Some of these people may have thought, "Wow, way to be a jerk, Gnetch!" and unfollowed. I'll do better next time. Damn! I really thought I was pretty good at answering E-mails. I don't even get that many anymore.

And stop changing my font, Blogger!

The InstaWHOASHIT

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 18:39:00 +0000

(Read this in an annoying, infomercial guy with fake enthusiasm voice.)

Feeling worthless because no one "likes" your DSLR profile picture anymore?

Feeling like you fail at life because the supposedly inspirational black-and-white picture of a random stone you found outside looks ordinary now?

WELL ASSHOLES, WORRY NO MORE!

PREPARE YOURSELVES FOR ANOTHER AWESOMENESS!!!

From the makers of the Bloggenator pill, the MutantBerry, and the Fuct Tape, we bring you:

THE InstaWHOASHIT!

NOW YOU CAN RAPE ALL SOCIAL NETWORKS WITH PICTURES!!!

How is this different from InstaDAMN, you ask?

The InstaWHOASHIT is not just a photo sharing shit. It's a gadget! A GADGET!

InstaDamn is SO mainstream!

With the InstaWHOASHIT, you can edit your shit right from the camera and turn a boring and ordinary picture this:

Into a deep and inspirational picture like this:

YOU CAN TAKE A PICTURE OF YOURSELF ANYTIME!

Take your picture the moment you wake up...

When you're about to take a shower...

When you're about to go to bed...

Annoyed while waiting for someone's text? TAKE A PICTURE!!!

Constipated? TAKE A PICTURE!!!

JUST TAKE A PICTURE WHENEVER YOU FEEL LIKE IT!!!

TAKE A PICTURE WHEN YOU'RE SAD!

WHEN YOU'RE BORED!

EVEN WHEN YOU'RE POSSESSED!!!

POSSESSED WITH AWESOMENESS!!!

With the InstaWHOASHIT, you can post 100 pictures in ONE MINUTE!!!

NOW PEOPLE WILL HAVE THE PRIVILEGE OF MEMORIZING YOUR FACE!

Not only that! Nuh-uh!

NOT. ONLY. THAT!

With the InstaWHOASHIT, everything turns into art!!!

EVEN THAT RANDOM DRIED LEAF YOU FOUND ON THE STREET WILL TURN INTO A WORK OF ART!

OR THAT FROG THAT YOU ALMOST DIDN'T CATCH BECAUSE IT WAS FAST!

YOU CAN TAKE A PICTURE OF YOUR TRASH CAN!

YOUR NEIGHBOR'S TRASH CAN!!!

TAKE A PICTURE OF EVERY ~~GARBAGE~~ THING YOU SEE!

With the InstaWHOASHIT, you can OVERUSE and MISUSE all the filters and effects and no one will care because you're automatically deep and artistic!

WHOA! Instant photographer!

Life is too short to learn photography!

With the InstaWHOASHIT, YOU DON'T NEED A PROFILE PICTURE LIKE THIS ANYMORE!

WHAT YOU NEED IS THIS:

OR BETTER YET, THIS!

AWESOME!!!

FOREVER ALONE?

FRET NO MORE.

With the InstaWHOASHIT, this will happen!!!

ALL THESE AMAZINGNESS FOR...

~~$30,000.00~~

AN INTRODUCTORY OFFER OF

$29,999.99!

WHAT A HUGE DISCOUNT!

So what are you waiting for?

CALL 1-800-WHOAcalmdownwiththatSHIT NOW!

BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!

Can YOU imagine?

It's like the gods of technology finally did something right!!!

BUT WAIT!!! THERE'S MORE!!!

Be one of the first ten callers and you get...

nothing.

WHAT A GREAT DEAL!

CALL NOW!

Let's Talk About That Person

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Tue, 17 Apr 2012 00:07:00 +0000

Have you ever talked to someone then regretted talking to them because they're just plain annoying and arrogant and irritating and everything they say or do pisses you off, but since you're really not close friends with them, you can't tell them, "Hey, I don't like it when you do this," because it would be awkward and you can't stop thinking about cakes because last night you ate potato chips and they were so good and now you want deep fried French fries and ice cream?

Wait... What was I talking about?

Oh! Okay. THAT PERSON.

Yes.

So yeah. Have you?

Maybe they are THAT PERSON who is SO nosy that they refuse to mind their own business and just keep sticking their nose into your business and it's like, "Dammit, bitch. I'm not talking to you!!!"

Or maybe they are THAT PERSON who is SO stupid that they don't even know how stupid they are, and because they think they're smart, they will instantly assume you're being silly when you talk about something they are unfamiliar with? Like, they think it doesn't exist because they don't know it?

These kinds of people deserve a high-five!

In the face.

With a hammer.

You guys know I LOVE HAMMERS.

Or maybe they are THAT PERSON who likes to please EVERYONE.

Or maybe they are THAT PERSON who likes to talk with their face just unnecessarily close to your face and you can't understand why because what they are saying isn't even confidential? Yes! Close talkers! So close that you can almost feel their eyelashes brushing your cheek!

Or maybe they are THAT PERSON who always plays the victim in every situation and takes everything personally.

(Not me, Mark Zuckerberg.)

Or maybe they are THAT PERSON who is so self-centered and arrogant and know-it-all as if everything they say matters and you can't correct them when they're wrong and will even interrupt you when you speak!

Or maybe they are that person that you can't even find a description for.

Well, yeah okay, I exaggerated a little bit.

Okay, so I exaggerated wayyyy too much. But it's not just me who finds these kinds of people irritating, right?

I mean seriously, why are they so many? And why do they have friends?

Oh! And before I forget, there's also THAT PERSON who always complains about how other people suck.

I hate it when my drawings get all pixelized when I upload them!

*****

In other news, I applied for AdSense guys. Yup, I did. I had a tooth emergency and I needed (still do) the money because dentists are fucking expensive! They cost like a million!!! So I thought, "Hmmm... Adsense. Why not!"

But you know what? THEY REJECTED ME!

I didn't even get friend-zoned. They outright rejected me!

Why?

Unacceptable site content? Seriously? My blog is the most festive, rainbow-farting blog ever! What the hell are they talking about?

I'm so taking this personally!

I have an ouchie in my heart.

Just kidding. But seriously.

UPDATED!!! What? Who's Obsessed?

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 02:51:00 +0000

Oh don't look at me like that, I haven't even started explaining yet!

So this is kind of how my brain works:

Does this look like my drawing? No? Well, because it's not. I got it from Tumblr.

Although I have some in-between feelings like, "kinda-like something" and "kinda okay about something." But when I'm uninterested, then I'm really not.

But I'm here to talk about obsessions.

Or addictions...? Same thing to me.

So most of you probably know how much I like coffee and that I have been trying to cut down on caffeine because it's bad for me. No, really, I swear. My doctor told me to STOP drinking it because it's a long story. Ha!

So anyway, trying to cut down on something is not easy, obviously. It's not easy to JUST stop something you've been doing for years, especially if you see it everywhere. Or SMELL it everywhere. It's just so tempting.

I like tea, too, so don't think I hate it because I don't.

(You weren't really thinking that, were you?)

I swear, I do my best not to think about it but it just keeps coming back to me. Sometimes I'd forget it but sometimes I couldn't stop thinking about it.

At first, I'd be really really strong and try not to think about coffee...

I'd be okay for a few days without it but it always comes back stronger. ALWAYS. It just keeps popping into my head, haunting me.

Like true love.

I work at night, so obviously, I need it to stay awake.

So after a few days' worth of effort at ignoring it, I eventually give in. Every time.

And then feel bad about myself because I wasn't strong enough.

So fuck you coffee and your seductive aroma.

I hate you.

Anyway, here's another obsession.

I hate Joseph Kony!

Oh, no, wait! Don't judge. This is not me jumping in the bandwagon of hating Kony. And I'm not just using Kony, KONY 2012, or Stop Kony to get traffic to my blog! Of course not! (See what I did there?)

I have a deeper reason. I hate him because of my new obsession.

KevJumba.

He's awesome.

He's so cute and adorable, I want to put him in my pocket.

And his dad, too. OHMYGOD, HIS DAD!!! He's too funny and adorable. My dream dad-in-law.

Yup.

So anyway, Hailey and I have been ~~seducing~~ tweeting Kev Jumba a lot for him to notice us but for some reason, he never responded to our tweets.

And when I say "a lot" I really mean A LOT.

We did this for a few days but it's either he's not tweeting or he's tweeting but not mentioning us.

Even Jay started to be bothered by this.

I don't think Kev (hi, babe!) would do that to us, though.

So anyway, after a few days, I found out WHY he hasn't been responding to our tweets!

KONY'S HATERS HAVE BEEN SPAMMING KEV JUMBA (HI, BABE!), FLOODING HIS MENTIONS PAGE ABOUT THE "STOP KONY" VIDEO, AND BURYING OUR TWEETS!

Hi, babe!

Now.

Tell me why I shouldn't hate Kony more than you do!

I fucking hate Kony.

UPDATE:

Here's a video of KevJumba with his friend Ryan Higa.

His description of the video: "I was asked by GE to go on a mission to San Francisco with Ryan Higa. We had to look for these GlobalTap fountains. Trouble ensues..."

Tip: Forward it to 3:15 and watch it from there. So funny.

UPDATED!!! Blogging Resolutions (Don't panic. It's not what you think.)

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 23:47:00 +0000

As you already know, I haven't been writing as regularly as I used to.

Well I'm NOT saying that I used to post regularly but you know what I mean.

But that's about to change now. I mean, I'll try. I'll be a blogger who writes about anything and try to be deep about things ~~that no one even cares about~~.

(Not really but let's move on.)

Let's get straight to the topic, shall we?

I decided to change my style into something more... I don't know, serious?

Just kidding.

Anyway, these are the choices I have and I need YOU (not you, the one in front of the computer. STOP LOOKING AROUND. I'M LOOKING AT YOU. Yes, you.) to suggest which style best suits me.

The deep, thought-provoking blogger.

I can try to be deep about everything to make you realize how important life is and how important certain things are in our lives. I might even use some words that people don't use in real life just to make my posts look more important than it actually is. It doesn't matter ~~how shitty~~ what the topic is, I'll write about anything, which means I can post regularly.

Example:

So deep. Very heartfelt!

The blogger who just copies another blogger's work/drawing/idea and claims it as their own.

Doing this will be easier and will allow me to publish posts regularly.

Natalie Dee's drawing

(Please don't hate me, Natalie Dee. I only did this as an example AND I will never redraw your drawings.)

Okay. I was wrong when I said this is easier. This requires tracing, lots of erasing, filling the drawings with colors (which is more difficult), and cleaning the edges. Drawing your own stuff only requires thinking, drawing, and coloring.

The blogger who talks about something that doesn't really bug them but everybody seems to be bugged by something so...

Sample Post:

So bad ass.

So there are the choices. I'm sure these will help me write regularly, so I need you to choose.

UPDATE: If it's not obvious, I'm just being sarcastic, as always. I'm not going to change my style. Nope. :)

Another Update:

Comment that made me laugh:

Nicki (The Loaded Handbag)

Go visit her blog now.

Please.

*****

On a kind of serious note, I know I've been slacking on writing and commenting. I swear I've been really REALLY busy, trying to do my full-time job, my part-time writing job, AND my hobby-business thing all AT THE SAME TIME. What's worse is that someone messed up with my schedule and decided to add one more day to my workweek, which sucks because I work night shifts, which means I am in the office from Monday night to Sunday morning and go to work again Monday night. And yes, I still have to do those two other stuff. But I update my Twitter, Tumblr, and Pinterest regularly (because it's easier to update those things). But really, I'm SO sorry. I'm not ignoring you guys or anything. It's just that...

Okay. You're starting to space out while I'm explaining. Better stop now. Damn, guys! That's rude!

Also, I know apologizing for slacking is like a mortal sin in blogging (who made this rule, by the way?) so... Am I fired?

The Undeniable Superhuman Strength

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 03:28:00 +0000

Confession: I have an incredible ninja/superhuman strength. I really do. Ask anyone! The thing is, I can't control it yet so I can't use it every time I need it.

My superhuman abilities seem to demonstrate itself at the wrong time, all the time.

There was this one time when I was using my friend's laptop.

So I'm a fast typist. YES. I am. Seriously. But it's not my bionic typing abilities we're talking about here. We're talking about SERIOUS superhuman strength. My fingers, when typing too fast, tend to hit the keyboard hard; the keys make loud sounds when I hit them. (I had to modify these two sentences many times so you won't have the chance to turn them into a TWSS joke. Pervs.)

Anyway, as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted by my own brain, I was using a friend's laptop once and he commented, "Hey it's a laptop, not a typewriter."

And then it hit me.

I have superhuman strength. Strength that I can't control.

Then I remembered a few instances in the past where I lost control of my superhuman strength.

Like this one time when I was on a vacation with my friends. We were in a hotel room and I woke up really early to take a shower. I always wake up the earliest when I'm with my friends because I don't like it when they knock on the bathroom door yelling, "HEY!!!! What's taking you so long?! We're leaving in 10 minutes!!!"

Seriously.

So anyway, I went in to the bathroom and there was a sliding glass door. Of course, in order to get in the shower, I had to slide the door open.

I broke the super heavy sliding glass door.

Undeniable SUPERHUMAN STRENGTH.

Another example: It happened when I was in college. I was with this guy that I was going out with at the time. The thing with this dude is that he loved to tickle when ~~he's becoming boring~~ we run out of things to talk about.

Okay, wait. Let me tell you this: It's not a good idea to surprise me with a tickle. NOT. A. GOOD. IDEA. Ever.

So we were sitting on a bench, things were quiet, I was people watching, looking at the trees and stuff and suddenly, he decided to tickle me! The stupid bastard.

Note: The actual situation happened in like 2 seconds. Like, TICKLE-SHOCK-HIT. I repeat: TICKLE-SHOCK-HIT.

AND THEN, WITHOUT THINKING, I HIT HIM.

I didn't intend to. My hand just flew and hit his thigh. It was just a tap, though. OR SO I THOUGHT. He had to have an above-the-knee amputation right after.

Well okay, not really. It wasn't THAT hard but still. It made a loud sound, like the one you hear in the movies. And my tiny hand left a red mark on his thigh. I felt guilty, of course. I felt like I Rihanna-ed him.

But he learned his lesson.

Another proof: I use a travel toothbrush all the time. I have one at home, I have one at work, I have one in my bag... So anyway, you know how travel toothbrushes are, right? The cover also serves as the handle. So I was one using one at home one night after I was done, I realized that I pushed the upper half of the toothbrush into the handle too hard because I couldn't pull it out.

I can't explain it. Watch this video and you'll see how an ordinary travel toothbrush kind CONFIRMED my suspicion that I have an incredible strength.

See?

Now, I need an awesome superhero name. Any suggestions?

Do you have a superhuman strength too? If you do, well I think we're the new Justice League. Or Power Rangers. Or X-Men.

Yeah, whatever.

In a somewhat related news, want to know my reaction when I was watching my own video?

No? I'll show you anyway.

Yup. This.

I'll try to do better next time. Worst and most awkward video blog ever, just for you.

You're welcome.

Because Exercising Is Too Mainstream

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 01:18:00 +0000

I don't exercise. At all. Even when I *think* I need to. Well I know the health benefits of working out and staying fit and all that, that it's good for the body, it's good for the heart, blah, blah, blah, but they don't motivate me enough to start working out.

For real.

Reasons? You know, laziness, procrastination, like, "Okay, I'll start working out tomorrow." But then I don't.

So yeah.

Well I tried going to the gym. But I gave up after about 5 or 6 sessions because ~~I'm poor~~ I was busy.

I also tried yoga. I did! I attended like 4 sessions but I paid for 6. Why I stopped, you ask?

BECAUSE EVEN AFTER THE THIRD SESSION, I WAS STILL UNABLE TO TOUCH MY TOES!!!!!

Which was kind of embarrassing. And frustrating.

It was a very dramatic moment.

Please don't tell anyone.

Here's sort of how it went.

First session:

ME: *Tries to cheat by slightly bending the knees to reach my toes.*

YOGA INSTRUCTOR: (In a soft voice) Noh, noh, noh. Noh bending. Knees. Straight. Noh bending.

Second session:

ME: *Tries to balance self on one foot.* *Loses balance.* *Giggles.*

YOGA INSTRUCTOR: (Still in a soft voice. She was very calm and soft spoken and shit.) Concentret... Concentret... Noh laughing...

And then my most hated position ever:

YOGA INSTRUCTOR: Let us all seet down and reech ar toss. Slohhhly...

ME: *Still can't reach my toes* *Tries to cheat again by bending my knees.*

YOGA INSTRUC-

Well you know how it went.

So anyway those were my fitness horror stories. Do you have yours?

Wait. I almost forgot where this post was supposed to go.

This is actually a "How *Not* To Make It Obvious That You *Hate* Exercising So You Don't Get Dirty Looks From People Judging You That You're Just Humble-Bragging" post.

(Had to emphasize some words with asterisks. Because that's what cool people do. Yo.)

You didn't see that one coming, did you?

Oh, you did? Damn, I'm losing my touch!

But whatever. Let's begin.

1. Come in late for work Or school. Every. Fucking. Time. Or even if you're just meeting a friend. Always come in late.

I didn't say it would be an acceptable excuse but at least you made them think that you go to the gym. That's the whole point, right?

2. Date someone who obviously goes to the gym a lot.

"Go to the gym." Yes. This would be the safest statement because it's not exactly saying that you work out. Maybe you go to the gym because ~~you like secretly staring at girls who work out, being creepy~~ you're bored.

3. Get some muscles. Buy shirts with printed muscles on them and viola!!!!

So there you go. I helped you again. I don't know but sometimes, I feel like I'm too nice to you guys. Kind of enabling, don't you think? No?

Meh. You deserve this. I love you too much.

(The spaces keep getting messed up. Sorry about that.)

UPDATED!!! (Now with pictures) Drunken Post - Christmas Edition

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 20:23:00 +0000

I can't think of a more appropriate title. Sooo yeah.

I don't know but it seems like the 2011 has been more of an asshole than 2010. At least for me. Don't judge. Yeah. Could' you not wdo that please?

Okay. Gotta adimt, there's really not much to talk about right now. I think I should just describe what's happening around me right now.

It's dark.

I'ts 3:51 a.m.

My mom's snoring. I can totally hear it. SHUT IT MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!

OKay. I don't think tthis is going nowhere. This is pretty much just a waste of blogging space.

I hate it when people mispronounce my name. Or when they decide what name suits you best and start calling you that. Like Janet. I AM NOT JANET!!!

The fuck?

Wait. You know whatt? I'm gonna rant.

At the beginning of the year, I was like this:

Yeah. I can't get my drawing right but that's pretty much the thought.

But it turned out that 2011 is more of an asshole than 2010.

So here's to you, 2011:

Okay. So I drew something where I'm flipping 2011 off and welcoming (threatening) 2012 but Blogger is being an ass and won't uploa it.

2011 has been such a sucky year!!! I went through all the -lessnesses and such. So yeah.

If 2012 isn't nice, I'll introduce it to this guy over here:

Wait. I forgot I can't upload. Dammit.

i'LL TRY AGAIN.

Nope. it won't uploda.

Maybe I'll update this post tomorrow and upload the pictures.

I love you.

So how about resolutions? Have any?

I don't. I don't even have a bucket list.

But I decided to list a few right now. Things that are easier to accomplish. Because wishing for the ipmossible will only make you dissapointed. Also, I don't watn to pressure myself. So yeah.

So here it is.

1. Type this. - Check.
2. Pause to think what to write next. - CHeck.
3. Have an honest, deep conversation with someone.
4. Yawn five times in a row. - Check.
5. Pretend not to give a fuck. - Check.
6. Kill the red ant that's sexually molesting my back. - Check.
7. Get a new job.
8. Pause again to think what to write for numebr 8. - Check.
9. Chill the fuck out.
10. Think of the 10th item on my list - Check.

So there you go! I thiink I'm doing great. So far, I've accomplished 7 out of 10! Hell yeah, mother fuckres!!!

MERRY CHIRSSTMAS TO ALL !!!!

UPDATE:

So I'm just posting the pictures. The pictures that won't "uploda".

Nope, I'm not gonna edit the typos and other spelling errors. Ha!

This is me flipping 2011 off. And yes, I thought I had to explain my drawings. Hey, I was drunk!

This is me welcoming/threatening 2012.

So apparently, I threatened 2012 that he will be introduced to Apocalypse if he decides to suck.

Wow, I just did that? Dayum!

And here I am, giving you a chance to turn your life into pure awesomeness. Kind of.

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 02:17:00 +0000

There comes a point in a person's life where they start to think about serious things like why they do certain things they don't understand. Like, you know, why they stay up at night and struggle waking up in the morning, why deciding whether to get out of the bed to pee or hold it in because the Internet is awesome is always a tough decision, or why people who post vague statuses on Facebook and Twitter to get attention annoy the fuck out of them...

Oh, it's just me?

Okay. Forget it. It's not really what I'm going to talk about anyway.

No, really. It wasn't. Move on.

So.

I was spacing out ~~at work~~ (ahem) one night and a brilliant idea came to me!

I decided to give YOU a chance to make your lives more awesome.

How?

I'm the nicest person you know, mofo.

Ooops! Who shot this picture?

PROS AND CONS OF ADOPTING ME:

Oh hey, I play fair!

1. If you're a vegetarian and eating meat makes you feel guilty:

Pro:
I could help you feel less guilty about eating meat by putting pictures like this everywhere:

Con:
You may not be able to eat ANYTHING for a few days. Or months. Depending on how guilt works on you, ~~you soulless bastard~~.

2. If you're addicted to sports and the Internet:

Pro:

I could help you get over your addiction. I could use your computer all day without complaints. And I could change the TV channel to something more relevant and take the remote everywhere I go.

Or I could just hide it somewhere when I'm lazy. But that would only happen occasionally, so no need to worry about that.

Hey, it's like you have your own rehab facility nurse in your own home!

Con:

Your electricity bill might increase up to 100%.

3. If you're the type of person who couldn't stand doing nothing and gets bored easily:

Pro:

I would never have you run out of things to do. Ever. That's a promise.

You could make me a sandwich, a lemonade, coffee, tea, bake me a cupcake, make me breakfast, lunch, and dinner, fix my bed, clean OUR room... Whatever you like!!! As long as they're delicious, the food I mean, (which I think they'd be - see? I have SO much faith in you) there's not gonna be a problem.

Con:

No cons. At all. Because you win in this situation. Not only will you get what you want, but also, this could help you stay physically fit, going back and forth to the kitchen and such.

Aw. Don't mention it.

Oh! Also, if you have A LOT of money and spending it is starting to become such a burden, you could give, like, HALF of it to me. I won't complain. It's like charity. You'll feel awesome.

So.

Wow! Right? How can you say no to this? It's like adopting me would be the best decision you could ever make in your entire life!

Consider this my Christmas offer to you.

(For some reason, the font of this post is effed up. Sorry about that. Blogger keeps changing some of the paragraphs to Times. Damn, Blogger. What now?)

Sexy Time (May or may not involve flashing. Oh, and other sexy things.)

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 18:39:00 +0000

There's probably some weird rumor going on around the net about me. Like, I think people are saying I'm a dude.

No?

SO WHY DO I KEEP GETTING E-MAILS OFFERING ME PENIS ENLARGEMENT AND VIAGRA???

Oh, you want proof???

So I had to blur my other E-mail address because I use this one for professional things. I know, right?

I've also been getting spams from pimps asking me to learn about the "closed itches of my horny girlfriend" and "meet plennyy of ladiez."

Closed itches? Ew.

*****

I can't even...

But thank you for making me feel less stupid about my typos, asshole.

FYI, spammers?

I'M A GIRL OKAY?!!!! Do I have to remind you every time???

So what? Should I dress like a guy now so it's not so weird for you? Because I'm totally thinking about your feelings here.

Do you like my moustache???

How about my Bieber hair???

Oh yeah, and that dude behind me is totally jealous.

Should I start dressing like this?

I look totally cute as a guy.

And do I have to get to know porn stars by name now?

I'm so hot when I'm angry. Those teeth! Dang!

See that ~~censored~~ picture?

I. AM. A. GIRL.

Got it?

Also, Google (and other search engines) my blog is not a porn site, remember?

Stop leading people here when they are looking for porn sites!!!

The blue ones are from Google Analytics. The green ones are from StatCounter.

Okay. I take that back. I kind of love these search keywords. Honestly. That's why I keep reviewing them. I mean, is there any other blog that attracts a person who looks for nude frontal pictures of Danny Devito? None!!!

I'm kind of expecting more perverted keywords after this post.

So share your search keywords! Make everyone laugh.

So I'm not really THAT angry. I'm just, you know. Overdramatic. And bored. Soooo...

How To Win Over An Attractive Woman. Alt. Title: "And somehow, I came up with a story where I can use my old drawings."

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 17:57:00 +0000

So I asked my friend Matt for a blog topic suggestion and he suggested that I give tips on how to win over attractive women. And he demanded that I be semi-serious. As if my previous post wasn't serious enough.

What does serious mean anyway, Google?

Oh. Google doesn't know either.

So okay. I'm not gonna assume that you are having some sort of woman trouble. No, not at all (squinty, judgmental stare).

And because I know that most men don't understand women AT ALL, I decided to write what Matty suggested. Also, because I asked for a topic.

So.... Yeah.

So this post is dedicated to all the men who read my blog.

And to the women, too, so they know when to be impressed.

So here are the tips:

HOW TO WIN OVER AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN

(I am Semi-Serious)

The attractive woman. Supposedly. I mean, with that ~~annoying Daffy Duck face~~ pout and all.

First of all, you need to be interesting. And make her feel like you like talking to them but AVOID sounding desperate. Try to impress her but be cool about it. If you know what I mean.

Here are the most common qualities attractive women look for in a guy:

A guy who thinks about the future.
Badass. But in a good way.
A guy who is cool and not easily embarrassed.
A guy who takes care of himself.
Sweet.
Not selfish.
Some sort of a hero.

That's all. Pretty simple. Women are not as complicated as you guys think, you over-dramatic, hormonal, sensitive creatures!

Anyway, you can show the girl you like that you have all these qualities by simply talking to her and telling her a story. Of course you should initiate the talking.

Impress her.

Tell her your life stories with a twist.

For example, this is your story: On your way home, it suddenly grew dark. Like really suddenly. This made you panic that you ran really fast and got home panting heavily.

So do you think it's an interesting story? Totally NOT. She might just say, "Oh. Okay." End of conversation. Or worse, she might fall asleep while you're talking. It would be a turn off, trust me. And your ego is gonna be crushed!

Instead, add an unexpected twist. Make it interesting. Notice I emphasized the words unexpected and interesting. Because that's how I roll. (That didn't even make sense.)

So tell your story like this:

"I was on my way home, seriously thinking about life and all (thinking about the future - check!) and suddenly, it grew dark! I don't know what happened. It just did!"

"I was so shocked that my mouth was open the whole time I was walking! Like, 'Man what the fuck!'" (Cussing: An indication of badassness. Check!)

"And because it was too dark, I didn't notice that there was a huge rock in front of me so I tripped!!!" (Admitting embarrassing moments will make her think that you're cool and not easily embarrassed. Check!)

"So I sat on a nearby bench and nursed my very soft and delicate feet (she'll totally be impressed by this fact because this means you take care of yourself, so check!) and then the red ants attacked me." (Red ants = indication that you're sweet.)

"And then I heard screams! Screams of scared people! So I decided to ignore the pain I was feeling and help the people in need." (Altruism. Very impressive. Check!)

"AND THEN I SAW A DRAGON! It was breathing fire on people. Good thing I brought my shield and saved them but daaaamn it was close!" (Heroic move. Check!)

"And then I went home."

Clearly, this version is more interesting. This will work.

You're totally welcome.

So everyone, if you need tips on something, or advice, or you want to ask anything, I can totally help you. E-mail me or leave it in the comments. I'm sure I can help you because you see, I'm like the god of tips.

And again, this didn't make sense at all.

P.S. Guys? STOP IGNORING GIRLS WHEN THERE'S FOOTBALL!!!

That's all (smiling emoticon).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In other news, my 500th follower asked me if I could promote his blog and since he's the 500th, I guess I should. So check out A Guy Named Lulu. He draws too. And his blog is funny.

Totally effective ways to make the person you like notice you.

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Tue, 25 Oct 2011 01:37:00 +0000

So here's the thing. You like someone but you don't know whether they like you too or not. And you don't know if they even know you exist! Everyone goes through this at some point, whether you're a guy or a girl. So it's nothing to be embarrassed about. Because you know what? It's normal for peo-- COZ BABY YOU'RE A FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIREWOOOORKK! COME ON SHOW 'EM WHAAAAAAATT YOU'RE WOOOOOORTHHH!!! MAKE ME GO UH-UH-O-

Sorry. I just randomly breakout into a song sometimes.

Sorry about that.

Okay. So where was I?

Oh yeah, the tips! Yeah. This is applicable to males and females who are ~~creepily~~ secretly crushing on someone.

So.

1. Be catchy.

Yes. All the time. Even if you're just gonna go to your friend's house next door. Wear sexy, borderline Gaga clothes, clothes that are too tight that it would drain the color off your face. I know, I know it's gonna be hard. Wearing clothes that are 10 sizes too small takes some getting used to, but you have to sacrifice! You need to get his attention.

Also, don't forget to wear perfumes. Yes, PERFUMES. A different scent on every part of your body would be awesome. It's like, you just have to walk by and he will surely take a look.

To the guys, you can wear something tight too. Show some chest hair. No, actually, don't. Just wear tight clothes. Maybe like a pair of tight red leather pants. Cool, right?

2. Use the subtle threat.

This may be really REALLY scary to the person you're attracted to. So make sure you're still sweet and friendly to them. Make them some coffee. Or tea. Whichever they prefer. Just so they don't think they are being abducted and/or are in danger.

Yes, this is recycled drawing. Got beef? :)

3. Smile.

All the time. Stop that I'm-too-cool-to-smile attitude. Trust me. It. Doesn't Work. No, really! You should smile no matter what you're going through.

4. Be everywhere.

Always be around. In the hallways, in the parking lot... It would be super easy to know where they are if they're the kind of person who posts their location on Facebook and Twitter. If they are in the mall, GO TO THE fucking MALL! Just make sure they see you. By doing this, you'll make them believe that you're always on their mind.

Be behind the bathroom mirror if you need to.

5. Show you care.

Talk to them. If you're too shy, a text message would do. Don't hesitate. But avoid, I repeat, AVOID, sounding desperate on your text. Don't say, "Hey I really really really really need to see you. I'll die if I don't see you because, blah-blah-blah..." Also, those cheesy pickup lines? Girls don't fall for that anymore. Be cool. Send them things like, "Hey. Not that I'm videotaping your every move but I noticed you're out of beer. Check your fridge."

Not creepy. At. All.

Or you can try something sweeter like, "Hey. You're wearing your Friday underwear. It's only Thursday. FYI."

That is if they're the kind of person that wears "scheduled" undies.

Also, adding a smiling emoticon on your text message would be nice. Just don't use the winky with tongue hanging out emoticon. It would sound weird.

I know you see my point.

So there you go. These tips will surely make them notice you.

I just said notice, okay? Don't blame me for the restraining orders you sure are about to get.

At least they noticed you, right?

You're welcome.

*****

Guys, some of you may have noticed that no one can comment on my pages anymore and the old ones that were published are gone. I don't know what happened but I'm so gonna punch Blogger for this.

This post was supposed to go nowhere. And then it went nowhere! Win.

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 02:38:00 +0000

I swear I've been trying to write a blog post since last week and I can't come up with anything! ANYTHING!!!!!! I mean, until now.

Writer's block.

Happens. A. Lot.

And it's annoying because there are times that you *know* you need to write something and you think you have this BRILLIANT idea but when you're in front of the computer, you just don't know how to start so you'll think and think and think and think but then your brain will just be so fucking mean and delete the idea that you've thought of just a while ago!

I know you all know what I'm going through.

THE FIVE STAGES OF WRITER'S BLOCK

WE ALL GO THROUGH THEM

1. FRUSTRATION.
This is when you feel that you need to write something but no matter what you do, you just don't know what to write.

2. PANIC.
This is when you start getting tweets and emails asking if you're dead and people start unfollowing because they think you're really dead even if you tell them you're not because they think it's your ghost that's tweeting/emailing them back!

3. PARANOIA.
The part when you start thinking: "Am I really dead? My brain is not working. Should I start putting my brain in a blender and try to get the juice out?"

4. BLANK.
The part when you just can't think of anything. Like, ANYTHING...

5. HYPERACTIVITY.

We all go through these stages, right?

No?

So it's just me then?

Damn!

Ahem.

So anyway, I'm at the 5th stage right now.

When I'm at the 5th stage, my creativity flows like a badass blogger!

And since I care, I'm gonna share a few topic sentences with you because I know you want one. I'm so generous, I know. My mom really raised me well.

It's so hot that my sweat started sweating sweat like- Oooohhh... I'm gonna steal that dog! It's so cute!
I have a boyfriend/girlfriend and my socks are dirty.
Ants love me. Oh my god, where's my wallet?
Now watching [insert TV show here] because I just pooped and now I've ran out of things to do.
It's dark inside the cinema. OH-EM-GEEEEE... I'M HUNGRY!!!!!!!

You can totally establish connection with your readers with these brilliant topics. They are relatable, inspiring, deep, and somewhat emotional. Also sexy, if you really think about it. These will totally make your blogs shine!!!

You're welcome.

So what are you waiting for? Aren't you excited? Write now! Don't let your readers wait.

You're my favorite virtual friend. And we go way back. Remember when we got drunk?

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 03:00:00 +0000

Despite the not so many issues between my bestest Internet friend Blogger and I, they decided to make me today's Blog of Note. Which is awesome.

Which means they don't hold grudge. We are really the best of friends. We don't hate each other even when I send them hateful tweets and stuff like that.

Awww...

Sometimes, I imagine that Blogger is human. And if it were, I'd have a drink with it.

And sometimes, I imagine it as a "he".

Okay. You have a dirty mind! NOT WHAT YOU'RE THINKING!

Because guy friends are sometimes cooler, that's why!

Me: Hey, Bloggidoodle, my favorite virtual friend!!! How are you?

Blogger: (Confused face.) We're not friends. Are we?

Me: (I playfully hit his arm. Very lightly. But Blogger is old and his knees are weak. He falls to the ground.) Ooops! You stupid! Haha! You don't take enough calcium! Your bones are weak! Haha!

B: .....

Me: Okay. Get up. We ARE friends. FRIENDS. F-R-I-E-N-D-S. Friends. You hear? (Blogger sometimes is slow to pick up.) We go way back. Remember?

B: (Thinks really really hard.) No...?

Me: (I hide my impatience.) Okay. Remember when we were drunk, we played Hang Snooki's Brother Upside Down and my friends and I hung you upside down because you look like Snooki? And I was in a superhero costume?

B: I don't remember that! And... Snooki's brother?

Me: Well...? You're orange!

B: ...

Me: Oh! I've seen you pee! In public, you disgusting person, you!!

B: I've never done that!

Me: Oh, really?

That's a statue, by the way. No, I SWEAR!

Me: Don't be embarrassed! That's okay. I accept you. I'm your friend. No ifs, ands, or buts.

B: Why do you keep mocking me?

Me: Mocking? You? No!!! That's called being close friends! Don't take it personally! Don't you think it's awesome that we are in that level of friendship where we can mock each other???

B: I never mocked you!!!

Me: Well...? You can start now.

B: (Blogger, again, is confused. He could really be an idiot sometimes. But don't tell him I said so.) You mean, I can make fun of you? Right now?

Me: That's what I said, you dope! Haha. (I add "haha" so Blogger won't be offended. He's really sensitive and shit.)

B: Okay...? You're short.

Me: Haha! That's cool!

B: Your feet are too small, they could be mistaken for keychains.

Me: (I look at my feet. I look back at Blogger and fake a smile.) That's okay. Haha! So. Is it my turn now?

B: (Nervous face.)

Me: Don't worry. I won't mock you. Not now. I love you, my friend. You just made me a Blog of Note. How can I make fun of you? You jump, I jump, remember?

B: I'm really doubting your sincerity. That line is from Titanic!

Me: Okay. You've seen Titanic. Fine. But really, I love you! (Makes a dramatic face.) If you're a bird, then I'm a bird.

B: That's from The Notebook!

Me: You watch too many movies!!!

B: People blog about movies! Of course I know a lot of movies.

Me: You have a point. But still. Why do you doubt me?

B: Okay. I know you. You want something. What do you want?

Me: I don't want anything! Just... Uhm... Maybe let me put Adsense on my blog?

B: You know that's not possible!

Me: (Okay. He's becoming a little smarter.) But I don't do most of those things anymore! Right? I've changed!

B: Can I mock you again?

Me: ...

B: SO????

Me: Look at you, you're being impatient! Haha!!

B: (Taps foot. I'm creating a monster.)

Me: Fine! Go!

B: You're old.

Me: Okay. I'll take it. 29 is old.

B: And you're short.

Me: (Fakes a smile.) You said that already! Haha! You forgot! You must be tired. You want to go rest now? It's past your bedtime.

B: You look 10.

Me: Touche, Blogger. Touche.

I did create a monster!

Dammit!

In my defense, that picture was taken LAST YEAR!

Okay, that didn't really help me.

I was only joking with that kiddie pose.

Dammit.

Dammit. Dammit. Dammit!

~~~~~~

On a serious note, I'd like to thank Ratzy and Dr. Heckle for letting me know about this Blog of Note thing. And thanks for the awesome messages. Dammit, you guys! Why are you so awesome?

If you don't mind, I'm gonna teach you how to prepare an inedible meal. Probably. It actually depends on your taste. But it's pretty much inedible.

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Sun, 11 Sep 2011 20:21:00 +0000

Don't say I didn't warn you.

So!

Are you ready for food porn? I mean, my new cooking show?

[Insert the show's theme song here. Probably something very appropriate like She Bangs.]

Let's go to the kitchen now.

Awesome, right?

So I'm going to teach you how to make a no-bake cake. Well because the show is pretty much about fire prevention. I'm thinking of everyone's safety here. Don't judge.

Also because no-bakes are easier to do.

All you have to do is to make sure you have everything in your fridge. Like Nigella Lawson does.

Actually, you know what? It's not fair that everything she needs just magically appears in her fridge like that but you know, it's a TV show. Maybe it's a camera trick. Just maybe. The hell do I know?

No. I'm not badmouthing her just because she's a competition. Of course not. I'm a mature, independent cooking show host.

Anyway.

Here are the things you need:

You need to come up with a name as unique as this. I'm really this creative.

These things are pretty easy to find. (Do you have dog dander in your fridge, Nigella? Huh? How about the zombie toenails? Ha!)

What you need to do is mix everything into a bowl. Except for the frosting. You have to mix that in a separate bowl. But that's pretty much common sense. I mean, come on! Are you an idiot?

That's totally not poison inside the bottle. Totally not.

And when you're done, just shape it with your bare hands and put it inside the fridge.

Aaaaand? VIOLA!

Well, if you think you can eat it, feel free.

Side effects include:

Alternating diarrhea and constipation.
Nightmares.
Dementia.
And probably infinite loneliness.

*No zombies were harmed during the production of this TV show.

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT:
I'm currently hiring food tasters for this new show. Let me know if you're interested. Qualifications include badassness, awesomeness, and ability to kiss ass. A superb acting ability would be a plus. The pay will be good. Free food cooked by me for you and your whole family! Yay!

Thank Goodness For The Good Ones

How to Control Your Rage

Why Cutting Onions Makes You Cry: The Truth Behind the Bullshit

The Coworker from Hell

half-sober half-drunk don't tell my mom

How to Deal with Negative Feelings

How to Deal With Arrogant People Part 6493

*UPDATED* It's Out To Get Me. I'm Sure Of It.

Some Things Are Harder Than You Think

WITCHSTER

THE CHALLENGE

It's probably a bad idea to post on a weekend because who reads blogs on weekends? Except for me, everyone goes out! Right? But this is important. So.

The InstaWHOASHIT

Let's Talk About That Person

*UPDATED!!!* What? Who's Obsessed?

UPDATED!!! Blogging Resolutions (Don't panic. It's not what you think.)

The Undeniable Superhuman Strength

Because Exercising Is Too Mainstream

*UPDATED!!!* (Now with pictures) Drunken Post - Christmas Edition

And here I am, giving you a chance to turn your life into pure awesomeness. Kind of.

Sexy Time (May or may not involve flashing. Oh, and other sexy things.)

How To Win Over An Attractive Woman. Alt. Title: "And somehow, I came up with a story where I can use my old drawings."

Totally effective ways to make the person you like notice you.

This post was supposed to go nowhere. And then it went nowhere! Win.

You're my favorite virtual friend. And we go way back. Remember when we got drunk?

If you don't mind, I'm gonna teach you how to prepare an inedible meal. Probably. It actually depends on your taste. But it's pretty much inedible.

UPDATED It's Out To Get Me. I'm Sure Of It.

UPDATED!!! What? Who's Obsessed?

UPDATED!!! (Now with pictures) Drunken Post - Christmas Edition