Thank Goodness For The Good Ones

Because Exercising Is Too Mainstream

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 01:18:00 +0000

I don't exercise. At all. Even when I *think* I need to. Well I know the health benefits of working out and staying fit and all that, that it's good for the body, it's good for the heart, blah, blah, blah, but they don't motivate me enough to start working out.

For real.

Reasons? You know, laziness, procrastination, like, "Okay, I'll start working out tomorrow." But then I don't.

So yeah.

Well I tried going to the gym. But I gave up after about 5 or 6 sessions because ~~I'm poor~~ I was busy.

I also tried yoga. I did! I attended like 4 sessions but I paid for 6. Why I stopped, you ask?

BECAUSE EVEN AFTER THE THIRD SESSION, I WAS STILL UNABLE TO TOUCH MY TOES!!!!!

Which was kind of embarrassing. And frustrating.

It was a very dramatic moment.

Please don't tell anyone.

Here's sort of how it went.

First session:

ME: *Tries to cheat by slightly bending the knees to reach my toes.*

YOGA INSTRUCTOR: (In a soft voice) Noh, noh, noh. Noh bending. Knees. Straight. Noh bending.

Second session:

ME: *Tries to balance self on one foot.* *Loses balance.* *Giggles.*

YOGA INSTRUCTOR: (Still in a soft voice. She was very calm and soft spoken and shit.) Concentret... Concentret... Noh laughing...

And then my most hated position ever:

YOGA INSTRUCTOR: Let us all seet down and reech ar toss. Slohhhly...

ME: *Still can't reach my toes* *Tries to cheat again by bending my knees.*

YOGA INSTRUC-

Well you know how it went.

So anyway those were my fitness horror stories. Do you have yours?

Wait. I almost forgot where this post was supposed to go.

This is actually a "How *Not* To Make It Obvious That You *Hate* Exercising So You Don't Get Dirty Looks From People Judging You That You're Just Humble-Bragging" post.

(Had to emphasize some words with asterisks. Because that's what cool people do. Yo.)

You didn't see that one coming, did you?

Oh, you did? Damn, I'm losing my touch!

But whatever. Let's begin.

1. Come in late for work Or school. Every. Fucking. Time. Or even if you're just meeting a friend. Always come in late.

I didn't say it would be an acceptable excuse but at least you made them think that you go to the gym. That's the whole point, right?

2. Date someone who obviously goes to the gym a lot.

"Go to the gym." Yes. This would be the safest statement because it's not exactly saying that you work out. Maybe you go to the gym because ~~you like secretly staring at girls who work out, being creepy~~ you're bored.

3. Get some muscles. Buy shirts with printed muscles on them and viola!!!!

So there you go. I helped you again. I don't know but sometimes, I feel like I'm too nice to you guys. Kind of enabling, don't you think? No?

Meh. You deserve this. I love you too much.

(The spaces keep getting messed up. Sorry about that.)

UPDATED!!! (Now with pictures) Drunken Post - Christmas Edition

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 20:23:00 +0000

I can't think of a more appropriate title. Sooo yeah.

I don't know but it seems like the 2011 has been more of an asshole than 2010. At least for me. Don't judge. Yeah. Could' you not wdo that please?

Okay. Gotta adimt, there's really not much to talk about right now. I think I should just describe what's happening around me right now.

It's dark.

I'ts 3:51 a.m.

My mom's snoring. I can totally hear it. SHUT IT MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!

OKay. I don't think tthis is going nowhere. This is pretty much just a waste of blogging space.

I hate it when people mispronounce my name. Or when they decide what name suits you best and start calling you that. Like Janet. I AM NOT JANET!!!

The fuck?

Wait. You know whatt? I'm gonna rant.

At the beginning of the year, I was like this:

Yeah. I can't get my drawing right but that's pretty much the thought.

But it turned out that 2011 is more of an asshole than 2010.

So here's to you, 2011:

Okay. So I drew something where I'm flipping 2011 off and welcoming (threatening) 2012 but Blogger is being an ass and won't uploa it.

2011 has been such a sucky year!!! I went through all the -lessnesses and such. So yeah.

If 2012 isn't nice, I'll introduce it to this guy over here:

Wait. I forgot I can't upload. Dammit.

i'LL TRY AGAIN.

Nope. it won't uploda.

Maybe I'll update this post tomorrow and upload the pictures.

I love you.

So how about resolutions? Have any?

I don't. I don't even have a bucket list.

But I decided to list a few right now. Things that are easier to accomplish. Because wishing for the ipmossible will only make you dissapointed. Also, I don't watn to pressure myself. So yeah.

So here it is.

1. Type this. - Check.
2. Pause to think what to write next. - CHeck.
3. Have an honest, deep conversation with someone.
4. Yawn five times in a row. - Check.
5. Pretend not to give a fuck. - Check.
6. Kill the red ant that's sexually molesting my back. - Check.
7. Get a new job.
8. Pause again to think what to write for numebr 8. - Check.
9. Chill the fuck out.
10. Think of the 10th item on my list - Check.

So there you go! I thiink I'm doing great. So far, I've accomplished 7 out of 10! Hell yeah, mother fuckres!!!

MERRY CHIRSSTMAS TO ALL !!!!

UPDATE:

So I'm just posting the pictures. The pictures that won't "uploda".

Nope, I'm not gonna edit the typos and other spelling errors. Ha!

This is me flipping 2011 off. And yes, I thought I had to explain my drawings. Hey, I was drunk!

This is me welcoming/threatening 2012.

So apparently, I threatened 2012 that he will be introduced to Apocalypse if he decides to suck.

Wow, I just did that? Dayum!

And here I am, giving you a chance to turn your life into pure awesomeness. Kind of.

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 02:17:00 +0000

There comes a point in a person's life where they start to think about serious things like why they do certain things they don't understand. Like, you know, why they stay up at night and struggle waking up in the morning, why deciding whether to get out of the bed to pee or hold it in because the Internet is awesome is always a tough decision, or why people who post vague statuses on Facebook and Twitter to get attention annoy the fuck out of them...

Oh, it's just me?

Okay. Forget it. It's not really what I'm going to talk about anyway.

No, really. It wasn't. Move on.

So.

I was spacing out ~~at work~~ (ahem) one night and a brilliant idea came to me!

I decided to give you a chance to make your lives more awesome.

How?

I'm the nicest person you know, mofo.

Ooops! Who shot this picture?

PROS AND CONS OF ADOPTING ME:

Oh hey, I play fair!

1. If you're a vegetarian and eating meat makes you feel guilty:

Pro:
I could help you feel less guilty about eating meat by putting pictures like this everywhere:

Con:
You may not be able to eat ANYTHING for a few days. Or months. Depending on how guilt works on you, ~~you soulless bastard~~.

2. If you're addicted to sports and the Internet:

Pro:

I could help you get over your addiction. I could use your computer all day without complaints. And I could change the TV channel to something more relevant and take the remote everywhere I go.

Or I could just hide it somewhere when I'm lazy. But that only happens occasionally so no need to worry about that.

Hey, it's like you have your own rehab facility nurse in your own home!

Con:

Your electricity bills might increase up to 100%.

3. If you're the type of person who can't stand doing nothing and gets bored easily:

Pro:

I would never have you run out of things to do. Ever. That's a promise.

You could make me a sandwich, a lemonade, coffee, tea, bake me a cupcake, make me breakfast, lunch, and dinner, fix my bed, clean OUR room... Whatever you'd like!!! As long as they're delicious (which I think they'd be - see? I have too much faith in you) there's not gonna be a problem.

Con:

No cons. At all. Because you win in this situation. Not only you get what you want, but also, this could help you stay physically fit, going back and forth to the kitchen and such.

Aw. Don't mention it.

Oh! Also, if you have A LOT of money and how to spend it is starting to become such a burden, you could give like, half of it to me. I won't complain. It's like charity. You'd feel awesome.

So.

Wow! Right? How can you say no to this? It's like adopting me would be the best decision you could ever make in your entire life!

Consider this my Christmas offer to you.

(For some reason, the font of this post is effed up. Sorry about that. Blogger keeps changing some of the paragraphs to Times. Damn, Blogger. What now?)

Sexy Time (May or may not involve flashing. Oh, and other sexy things.)

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 18:39:00 +0000

There's probably some weird rumor going on around the net about me. Like, I think people are saying I'm a dude.

No?

SO WHY DO I KEEP GETTING E-MAILS OFFERING ME PENIS ENLARGEMENT AND VIAGRA???

Oh, you want proof???

So I had to blur my other E-mail address because I use this one for professional things. I know, right?

I've also been getting spams from pimps asking me to learn about the "closed itches of my horny girlfriend" and "meet plennyy of ladiez."

Closed itches? Ew.

*****

I can't even...

But thank you for making me feel less stupid about my typos, asshole.

FYI, spammers?

I'M A GIRL OKAY?!!!! Do I have to remind you every time???

So what? Should I dress like a guy now so it's not so weird for you? Because I'm totally thinking about your feelings here.

Do you like my mustache???

How about my Bieber hair???

Oh yeah, and that dude behind me is totally jealous.

Should I start dressing like this?

I look totally cute as a guy.

And do I have to get to know porn stars by name now?

I'm so hot when I'm angry. Those teeth! Dang!

See that ~~censored~~ picture?

I. AM. A. GIRL.

Got it?

Also, Google (and other search engines) my blog is not a porn site, remember?

Stop leading people here when they are looking for porn sites!!!

The blue ones are from Google Analytics. The green ones are from StatCounter.

Okay. I take that back. I kind of love these search keywords. Honestly. That's why I keep reviewing them. I mean, is there any other blog that attracts a person who looks for nude frontal pictures of Danny Devito? None!!!

I'm kind of expecting more perverted keywords after this post.

So share your search keywords! Make everyone laugh.

So I'm not really THAT angry. I'm just, you know. Overdramatic. And bored. Soooo...

How To Win Over An Attractive Woman. Alt. Title: "And somehow, I came up with a story where I can use my old drawings."

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 17:57:00 +0000

So I asked my friend Matt for a blog topic suggestion and he suggested that I give tips on how to win over attractive women. And he demanded that I be semi-serious. As if my previous post wasn't serious enough.

What does serious mean anyway, Google?

Oh. Google doesn't know either.

So okay. I'm not gonna assume that you are having some sort of woman trouble. No, not at all (squinty, judgmental stare).

And because I know that most men don't understand women AT ALL, I decided to write what Matty suggested. Also, because I asked for a topic.

So.... Yeah.

So this post is dedicated to all the men who read my blog.

And to the women, too, so they know when to be impressed.

So here are the tips:

HOW TO WIN OVER AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN

(I am Semi-Serious)

The attractive woman. Supposedly. I mean, with that ~~annoying Daffy Duck face~~ pout and all.

First of all, you need to be interesting. And make her feel like you like talking to them but AVOID sounding desperate. Try to impress her but be cool about it. If you know what I mean.

Here are the most common qualities attractive women look for in a guy:

A guy who thinks about the future.
Badass. But in a good way.
A guy who is cool and not easily embarrassed.
A guy who takes care of himself.
Sweet.
Not selfish.
Some sort of a hero.

That's all. Pretty simple. Women are not as complicated as you guys think, you over-dramatic, hormonal, sensitive creatures!

Anyway, you can show the girl you like that you have all these qualities by simply talking to her and telling her a story. Of course you should initiate the talking.

Impress her.

Tell her your life stories with a twist.

For example, this is your story: On your way home, it suddenly grew dark. Like really suddenly. This made you panic that you ran really fast and got home panting heavily.

So do you think it's an interesting story? Totally NOT. She might just say, "Oh. Okay." End of conversation. Or worse, she might fall asleep while you're talking. It would be a turn off, trust me. And your ego is gonna be crushed!

Instead, add an unexpected twist. Make it interesting. Notice I emphasized the words unexpected and interesting. Because that's how I roll. (That didn't even make sense.)

So tell your story like this:

"I was on my way home, seriously thinking about life and all (thinking about the future - check!) and suddenly, it grew dark! I don't know what happened. It just did!"

"I was so shocked that my mouth was open the whole time I was walking! Like, 'Man what the fuck!'" (Cussing: An indication of badassness. Check!)

"And because it was too dark, I didn't notice that there was a huge rock in front of me so I tripped!!!" (Admitting embarrassing moments will make her think that you're cool and not easily embarrassed. Check!)

"So I sat on a nearby bench and nursed my very soft and delicate feet (she'll totally be impressed by this fact because this means you take care of yourself, so check!) and then the red ants attacked me." (Red ants = indication that you're sweet.)

"And then I heard screams! Screams of scared people! So I decided to ignore the pain I was feeling and help the people in need." (Altruism. Very impressive. Check!)

"AND THEN I SAW A DRAGON! It was breathing fire on people. Good thing I brought my shield and saved them but daaaamn it was close!" (Heroic move. Check!)

"And then I went home."

Clearly, this version is more interesting. This will work.

You're totally welcome.

So everyone, if you need tips on something, or advice, or you want to ask anything, I can totally help you. E-mail me or leave it in the comments. I'm sure I can help you because you see, I'm like the god of tips.

And again, this didn't make sense at all.

P.S. Guys? STOP IGNORING GIRLS WHEN THERE'S FOOTBALL!!!

That's all (smiling emoticon).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In other news, my 500th follower asked me if I could promote his blog and since he's the 500th, I guess I should. So check out A Guy Named Lulu. He draws too. And his blog is funny.

Totally effective ways to make the person you like notice you.

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Tue, 25 Oct 2011 01:37:00 +0000

So here's the thing. You like someone but you don't know whether they like you too or not. And you don't know if they even know you exist! Everyone goes through this at some point, whether you're a guy or a girl. So it's nothing to be embarrassed about. Because you know what? It's normal for peo-- COZ BABY YOU'RE A FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIREWOOOORKK! COME ON SHOW 'EM WHAAAAAAATT YOU'RE WOOOOOORTHHH!!! MAKE ME GO UH-UH-O-

Sorry. I just randomly breakout into a song sometimes.

Sorry about that.

Okay. So where was I?

Oh yeah, the tips! Yeah. This is applicable to males and females who are ~~creepily~~ secretly crushing on someone.

So.

1. Be catchy.

Yes. All the time. Even if you're just gonna go to your friend's house next door. Wear sexy, borderline Gaga clothes, clothes that are too tight that it would drain the color off your face. I know, I know it's gonna be hard. Wearing clothes that are 10 sizes too small takes some getting used to, but you have to sacrifice! You need to get his attention.

Also, don't forget to wear perfumes. Yes, PERFUMES. A different scent on every part of your body would be awesome. It's like, you just have to walk by and he will surely take a look.

To the guys, you can wear something tight too. Show some chest hair. No, actually, don't. Just wear tight clothes. Maybe like a pair of tight red leather pants. Cool, right?

2. Use the subtle threat.

This may be really REALLY scary to the person you're attracted to. So make sure you're still sweet and friendly to them. Make them some coffee. Or tea. Whichever they prefer. Just so they don't think they are being abducted and/or are in danger.

Yes, this is recycled drawing. Got beef? :)

3. Smile.

All the time. Stop that I'm-too-cool-to-smile attitude. Trust me. It. Doesn't Work. No, really! You should smile no matter what you're going through.

4. Be everywhere.

Always be around. In the hallways, in the parking lot... It would be super easy to know where they are if they're the kind of person who posts their location on Facebook and Twitter. If they are in the mall, GO TO THE fucking MALL! Just make sure they see you. By doing this, you'll make them believe that you're always on their mind.

Be behind the bathroom mirror if you need to.

5. Show you care.

Talk to them. If you're too shy, a text message would do. Don't hesitate. But avoid, I repeat, AVOID, sounding desperate on your text. Don't say, "Hey I really really really really need to see you. I'll die if I don't see you because, blah-blah-blah..." Also, those cheesy pickup lines? Girls don't fall for that anymore. Be cool. Send them things like, "Hey. Not that I'm videotaping your every move but I noticed you're out of beer. Check your fridge."

Not creepy. At. All.

Or you can try something sweeter like, "Hey. You're wearing your Friday underwear. It's only Thursday. FYI."

That is if they're the kind of person that wears "scheduled" undies.

Also, adding a smiling emoticon on your text message would be nice. Just don't use the winky with tongue hanging out emoticon. It would sound weird.

I know you see my point.

So there you go. These tips will surely make them notice you.

I just said notice, okay? Don't blame me for the restraining orders you sure are about to get.

At least they noticed you, right?

You're welcome.

*****

Guys, some of you may have noticed that no one can comment on my pages anymore and the old ones that were published are gone. I don't know what happened but I'm so gonna punch Blogger for this.

This post was supposed to go nowhere. And then it went nowhere! Win.

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 02:38:00 +0000

I swear I've been trying to write a blog post since last week and I can't come up with anything! ANYTHING!!!!!! I mean, until now.

Writer's block.

Happens. A. Lot.

And it's annoying because there are times that you *know* you need to write something and you think you have this BRILLIANT idea but when you're in front of the computer, you just don't know how to start so you'll think and think and think and think but then your brain will just be so fucking mean and delete the idea that you've thought of just a while ago!

I know you all know what I'm going through.

THE FIVE STAGES OF WRITER'S BLOCK

WE ALL GO THROUGH THEM

1. FRUSTRATION.
This is when you feel that you need to write something but no matter what you do, you just don't know what to write.

2. PANIC.
This is when you start getting tweets and emails asking if you're dead and people start unfollowing because they think you're really dead even if you tell them you're not because they think it's your ghost that's tweeting/emailing them back!

3. PARANOIA.
The part when you start thinking: "Am I really dead? My brain is not working. Should I start putting my brain in a blender and try to get the juice out?"

4. BLANK.
The part when you just can't think of anything. Like, ANYTHING...

5. HYPERACTIVITY.

We all go through these stages, right?

No?

So it's just me then?

Damn!

Ahem.

So anyway, I'm at the 5th stage right now.

When I'm at the 5th stage, my creativity flows like a badass blogger!

And since I care, I'm gonna share a few topic sentences with you because I know you want one. I'm so generous, I know. My mom really raised me well.

It's so hot that my sweat started sweating sweat like- Oooohhh... I'm gonna steal that dog! It's so cute!
I have a boyfriend/girlfriend and my socks are dirty.
Ants love me. Oh my god, where's my wallet?
Now watching [insert TV show here] because I just pooped and now I've ran out of things to do.
It's dark inside the cinema. OH-EM-GEEEEE... I'M HUNGRY!!!!!!!

You can totally establish connection with your readers with these brilliant topics. They are relatable, inspiring, deep, and somewhat emotional. Also sexy, if you really think about it. These will totally make your blogs shine!!!

You're welcome.

So what are you waiting for? Aren't you excited? Write now! Don't let your readers wait.

You're my favorite virtual friend. And we go way back. Remember when we got drunk?

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 03:00:00 +0000

Despite the not so many issues between my bestest Internet friend Blogger and I, they decided to make me today's Blog of Note. Which is awesome.

Which means they don't hold grudge. We are really the best of friends. We don't hate each other even when I send them hateful tweets and stuff like that.

Awww...

Sometimes, I imagine that Blogger is human. And if it were, I'd have a drink with it.

And sometimes, I imagine it as a "he".

Okay. You have a dirty mind! NOT WHAT YOU'RE THINKING!

Because guy friends are sometimes cooler, that's why!

Me: Hey, Bloggidoodle, my favorite virtual friend!!! How are you?

Blogger: (Confused face.) We're not friends. Are we?

Me: (I playfully hit his arm. Very lightly. But Blogger is old and his knees are weak. He falls to the ground.) Ooops! You stupid! Haha! You don't take enough calcium! Your bones are weak! Haha!

B: .....

Me: Okay. Get up. We ARE friends. FRIENDS. F-R-I-E-N-D-S. Friends. You hear? (Blogger sometimes is slow to pick up.) We go way back. Remember?

B: (Thinks really really hard.) No...?

Me: (I hide my impatience.) Okay. Remember when we were drunk, we played Hang Snooki's Brother Upside Down and my friends and I hung you upside down because you look like Snooki? And I was in a superhero costume?

B: I don't remember that! And... Snooki's brother?

Me: Well...? You're orange!

B: ...

Me: Oh! I've seen you pee! In public, you disgusting person, you!!

B: I've never done that!

Me: Oh, really?

That's a statue, by the way. No, I SWEAR!

Me: Don't be embarrassed! That's okay. I accept you. I'm your friend. No ifs, ands, or buts.

B: Why do you keep mocking me?

Me: Mocking? You? No!!! That's called being close friends! Don't take it personally! Don't you think it's awesome that we are in that level of friendship where we can mock each other???

B: I never mocked you!!!

Me: Well...? You can start now.

B: (Blogger, again, is confused. He could really be an idiot sometimes. But don't tell him I said so.) You mean, I can make fun of you? Right now?

Me: That's what I said, you dope! Haha. (I add "haha" so Blogger won't be offended. He's really sensitive and shit.)

B: Okay...? You're short.

Me: Haha! That's cool!

B: Your feet are too small, they could be mistaken for keychains.

Me: (I look at my feet. I look back at Blogger and fake a smile.) That's okay. Haha! So. Is it my turn now?

B: (Nervous face.)

Me: Don't worry. I won't mock you. Not now. I love you, my friend. You just made me a Blog of Note. How can I make fun of you? You jump, I jump, remember?

B: I'm really doubting your sincerity. That line is from Titanic!

Me: Okay. You've seen Titanic. Fine. But really, I love you! (Makes a dramatic face.) If you're a bird, then I'm a bird.

B: That's from The Notebook!

Me: You watch too many movies!!!

B: People blog about movies! Of course I know a lot of movies.

Me: You have a point. But still. Why do you doubt me?

B: Okay. I know you. You want something. What do you want?

Me: I don't want anything! Just... Uhm... Maybe let me put Adsense on my blog?

B: You know that's not possible!

Me: (Okay. He's becoming a little smarter.) But I don't do most of those things anymore! Right? I've changed!

B: Can I mock you again?

Me: ...

B: SO????

Me: Look at you, you're being impatient! Haha!!

B: (Taps foot. I'm creating a monster.)

Me: Fine! Go!

B: You're old.

Me: Okay. I'll take it. 29 is old.

B: And you're short.

Me: (Fakes a smile.) You said that already! Haha! You forgot! You must be tired. You want to go rest now? It's past your bedtime.

B: You look 10.

Me: Touche, Blogger. Touche.

I did create a monster!

Dammit!

In my defense, that picture was taken LAST YEAR!

Okay, that didn't really help me.

I was only joking with that kiddie pose.

Dammit.

Dammit. Dammit. Dammit!

~~~~~~

On a serious note, I'd like to thank Ratzy and Dr. Heckle for letting me know about this Blog of Note thing. And thanks for the awesome messages. Dammit, you guys! Why are you so awesome?

If you don't mind, I'm gonna teach you how to prepare an inedible meal. Probably. It actually depends on your taste. But it's pretty much inedible.

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Sun, 11 Sep 2011 20:21:00 +0000

Don't say I didn't warn you.

So!

Are you ready for food porn? I mean, my new cooking show?

[Insert the show's theme song here. Probably something very appropriate like She Bangs.]

Let's go to the kitchen now.

Awesome, right?

So I'm going to teach you how to make a no-bake cake. Well because the show is pretty much about fire prevention. I'm thinking of everyone's safety here. Don't judge.

Also because no-bakes are easier to do.

All you have to do is to make sure you have everything in your fridge. Like Nigella Lawson does.

Actually, you know what? It's not fair that everything she needs just magically appears in her fridge like that but you know, it's a TV show. Maybe it's a camera trick. Just maybe. The hell do I know?

No. I'm not badmouthing her just because she's a competition. Of course not. I'm a mature, independent cooking show host.

Anyway.

Here are the things you need:

You need to come up with a name as unique as this. I'm really this creative.

These things are pretty easy to find. (Do you have dog dander in your fridge, Nigella? Huh? How about the zombie toenails? Ha!)

What you need to do is mix everything into a bowl. Except for the frosting. You have to mix that in a separate bowl. But that's pretty much common sense. I mean, come on! Are you an idiot?

That's totally not poison inside the bottle. Totally not.

And when you're done, just shape it with your bare hands and put it inside the fridge.

Aaaaand? VIOLA!

Well, if you think you can eat it, feel free.

Side effects include:

Alternating diarrhea and constipation.
Nightmares.
Dementia.
And probably infinite loneliness.

*No zombies were harmed during the production of this TV show.

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT:
I'm currently hiring food tasters for this new show. Let me know if you're interested. Qualifications include badassness, awesomeness, and ability to kiss ass. A superb acting ability would be a plus. The pay will be good. Free food cooked by me for you and your whole family! Yay!

WARNING: This post is brought to you by PMS

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 15:22:00 +0000

So you know how sometimes (Yes. Just. Sometimes.) women go through weird moods that even the smallest things make them stabby, like, they could just give you THAT look and you would know that you should shut up because you are fully aware what's likely to happen to you if you try to be a smart ass?

Only, they'd actually be too lazy to move to hit you.

So here are a few things that sort of triggered my PMS the past few days.

1. Tiny droplets of urine in public bathrooms. There's nothing more frustrating than seeing droplets of pee on the toilet seat JUST when you're about to sit. I don't even have to explain this. I mean, come on! HOW gross could you get that you can't even wipe your own pee? And how do you pee anyway?

2. People in their early 20s who keep complaining about being old. I repeat. BEING OLD. Okay, what? Sure. You ARE old. You're actually starting to wither. Oh look! You're getting wrinkles! You might need diapers tomorrow. Sorry.

3. When someone chooses to come up with a lie when the truth isn't even that bad and SO not worth it to lie about or it would have caused the same result so they should have just been honest in the first place- like, at least you won't look stupid in front of them.

4. Reverse emoticons*. This is making me crazy. I can't even contain it so I had to rant it on Facebook! Where else?

No. Really. Why is it reversed?

Let me give you an example. If you write something like:

My dad bought a unicorn that farts fire. :)

Instant reaction: Awww... They are happy!!!

But if you write it like this:

My dad bought a unicorn that farts fire. (:

Reaction: Ow. Unicorns that fart fire make them sad. No, wait. That's actually a smiling emoticon!!!

This is disturbing in so many levels.

See my point? It's like you're playing with my emotions. That's not super nice.

5. People in public transportation who sing along with their iPod like they think they sound like the singer when they really sound horrible and ALSO those who talk too loud in public transportation. NO ONE ELSE WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT WHAT YOU DO TO MAKE YOUR HAIR AWESOMELY CURLY! And no, your hair is not awesome at all. It smells like dog skin.

This list could go on and on and on and on and on but I'd like to keep this light.

So yeah, I'm PMS-ing.

Last year, I received this drawing from Nino. This is how he interpreted my PMS.

But to make it more accurate, it's like, on a pissed-off scale of 1 to Chris Brown** (Chris Brown being the extreme, obviously), I am borderline Kanye West.

***

Which is a good thing.

Sort of.

And yes, I deliberately gave effort to explain my hatred for that emoticon.

Somehow inspired by:
*
**
***

A new nemesis, new job, revenge, and me being inspirational and stuff.

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Mon, 08 Aug 2011 14:22:00 +0000

So seriously, I know it's been like a month since my last post but you know, I'm a busy girl!!! Don't look at me like that!

If you remember my last post about me needing a new job... Well? I got a job! I mean, I got another job. So now I have two-and-a-half jobs. But who wouldn't hire me with that last post? Seriously! With those secret talents I revealed? Who could say no, right? (Actually, that post had nothing to do with my new job.)

Wait. Don't worry. This is not a let-me-explain-my-absence kind of post. No! Okay. A little bit. Don't judge.

For the whole month of July, Blogger won't let me post! Remember what happened like a couple of months ago when Blogger's post editor won't stop loading?

It's happening again!!! Not a cool story, bro!

My new nemesis.

Can't a girl be happy for once, dammit!!!! (No. Seriously.)

So since I've been itching to update my blog for the past few weeks, I decided to download Windows Live Writer, which I tried using but after I finished writing, I found out that it's not really that effective because for some reason, it won't publish the post on my blog so now I'm back to using this Blogger's post editor, which apparently works if you disconnect and reconnect your Internet except that you won't see the icons at the top of the post editor.

But Blogger can kiss my ass.

I just love run-on sentences!

So anyway, I have managed to finish a few very inspirational and meaningful drawings while I was away.

Because I know it's my mission to inspire people.

So here you go.

Someone should pay me with this next one: A Stand Against Brain Abuse poster.

I'd like to call this next one, "The Uninvitation".

Because some bitches just don't get it.

Anyway, about my new job? It's a work-at-home kind of thing that has something to do with "creative writing". At least that's what the employer calls it.

And you know what's good about working at home?

You don't need to worry about your dress or your makeup, or what other people might say about what you're wearing.

You can work looking like this:

I think I'm going to keep this look. Very fashion-y!

But I hope I get paid for all those articles! I mean, trying to stay away from blogs and Twitter was a huge sacrifice. I actually had a Twitter withdrawal. And I need that money. Badly! So.

Okay, okay. I know this post should die in a fire but I'm a ninja so I can do whatever I want.

UPDATE: I got paid!!!!

That's all. :)

It's like I'm not giving you a choice. Just say YES.

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Thu, 14 Jul 2011 12:01:00 +0000

So my friends at work and I have been looking for a new job. And no, this is not just an ordinary I-HATE-MY-COWORKERS-SO-I-NEED-A-NEW-JOB kind of looking. Okay. A little bit of that but aside from that, this is really serious. SO serious. (With occasional laughing and making fun of some of the job openings that we see on the Internet, of course. But still.) Serious. Really serious.

Like I'm-out-of-fucking-coffee-goddammit serious.

Because our company is about to close down.

A.K.A. Cease operation.

A.K.A...

Okay. You get it.

Anyway, what can I do? I mean, even though they are my friends, I have to keep one step ahead.

So I decided to post some of my skills on this blog. FOR THE WHOLE WORLD TO SEE!

And by for the whole world, I mean all 14 of you who still read my blog.

So, potential employers? Sit back and relax while I tell you how I can benefit your firm IF and only IF you *HIRE ME*.

1. Do you need someone who can make really sweet greeting cards? I made a few samples months ago. Hallmark ignored it.Well, now is your great chance. Let Hallmark regret their decision of ignoring my undeniable sweetness and thoughtfulness.

Here's another sample.

I know, I'm really sweet.

Uhm, Starbucks, you can hire me too if you want.

2. Do you need a stylist? A designer? Do you need a costume for Halloween? I don't mean to brag but that's one of my many talents. I am very creative.

One of my very creative, original, fashion-forward creations. A female ghost costume. Wait 'til you see the male ghost.

Here.

I really should have auditioned for Project Runway. Dang!

3. Do you need someone who is positive and adorable? A PR Person maybe?

With my utmost charm, I can make people believe everything I say. Or buy anything I sell. Plus, I am very patient! What a bonus!

WHO DREW THAT? I DIDN'T DRAW THAT! SOMEONE'S OUT TO GET ME. I'M REALLY PATIENT. ASK MY MOM.

I promise, I will be the best employee ever. I'm a people person.

I am very VERY charming. I have the tendency to look NATURALLY angelic especially when I'm not smiling. It's like the default setting of my face. Friendly and pleasant. Very approachable.

Don't you think it's charming? But really, the person holding the camera should know how to count before clicking.

I didn't know I was in the picture and I didn't realize I was giving my friend that look. Don't judge.

So to my dear future super lucky employer? What are you waiting for? Hire me before anyone else gets the chance to steal me from you.

Hey, you! Yes, you. Have you read this??? :-) UPDATED!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Mon, 20 Jun 2011 13:10:00 +0000

Uhm, yeah. I had to add that smiley.

I am a self-confessed Twitter addict. I love it. If it's a dude, I would marry it. But I know a lot of people find Twitter annoying and I *so* understand why. Hell, I can even list the possible reasons why it is annoying. Because I'm very generous. And understanding too!

So.

1. People Similar To You - Not only is this uninteresting, it can sometimes be, well, offensive-slash-insulting. I know you know how I feel.

2. The Fail Whale - I don't see a lot of it lately but it is annoying. And the innocent whale gets all the blame. It's Twitter's fault! The whale is just a scapegoat. Or a scapewhale. You know. Fail Whale-Scapewhale?

God, I'm so funny.

3. The motherfucking spammers - This is the most irritating, I think. When you tweet something like, "burger" you'll get followed and/or mentioned by a burger site. No. Really. When you tweet "porn", you'll get followed by a porn site. What's even more annoying is that I keep tweeting about Johnny Depp and he hasn't stalked me or even mentioned me. I'm hurt, you know. I. AM. HURT.

Update: An example of my Johnny Depp-related tweet. Very innocent.

4. The #FollowBack hashtag - I see this a lot. Trust me. This doesn't work. I mean, it does, but those who will follow you are RANDOM strangers who don't even care about your tweets. They just want to be followed back (which is the whole purpose of it, I know) because if you don't, they will unfollow the next day. No. Trust me. Try it.

I tweeted those (just for fun, I swear) and I got maybe about 20 new followers! They didn't even read the tweets. Well, they unfollowed the next day so...

5. Some people - Some. Not everyone. And I'm not really gonna say what people should and should not tweet. I'm not like that. SAY WHAT YOU WANT. It's what Twitter is all about. Plus, passive-aggressive tweets are only annoying when you think it's about you. Right? But those people, especially celebrities, who retweet the compliments they get, THAT. That's when I lose it. That's why I stopped following celebrities! The fuck is that for? Not that I'm judg-- well okay. I'm judging. Because you know, when you flood my timeline with retweets like these:

Don't bother finding this Twitter account because this doesn't exist.

People see it like this:

Okay. Maybe it's just me. But still.

I just can't...

I sort of revised this post.

An overly dramatic re-enactment of the time I almost poisoned myself. ACCIDENTALLY.

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Sun, 05 Jun 2011 10:29:00 +0000

There must really be something about the Internet that is so addictive. I was never into computer stuff ever. Until I started blogging.

No, really. I'm not pulling your leg or anything.

So anyway, as most of you know, every weekend, I stay up late to sort of catch up on everyone.

And as most of you know, I am quite a multitasker.

One night, at around 3 AM, as I was practicing my expertise doing important Internet stuff, I was also applying toner to my face. You know all know how important skin care is, right? ~~Everything I do is important. Even saying fuck every now and then is important.~~

This is how I roll, yo.

The night was cursed from the very beginning. I just knew it. There was weirdness in the air. There was a sense of impending misfortune.

I remember placing (or more like throwing) the used cotton ball on the table beside my bed after using it. I did not look because as I said, I was busy. I just put it on the table and continued my momentous Internet social activity.

Because it was humid, I got thirsty. I always keep a glass of water on the side of my bed because ~~I am too lazy to get up~~ that's what cool people do.

I reached for the glass of water but as the glass came near my lips, I thought it smelled like toner. It was dark and I was too busy to get up and turn on the light. I was like, "Meh. It's probably my face." Don't judge. I just put the stuff on my face so it was natural for me to think that my face would smell like toner.

So I gulped down the water. It tasted funny. Not funny-funny but you know, funny. I held the glass in front of my laptop to to see what was up. I found out I made an excellent shot when I threw the used cotton ball. It went straight into the glass of water. At that moment, I had mixed feelings. I was proud to find out I was an excellent shooter despite my undeniable disinterest in sports but I was also disappointed that I did not listen to what my brain was trying telling me. But that's because my brain is not really always reliable.

My throat was burning and I was salivating like a rabid dog. (Okay, not really but you know what I mean.)

I placed my laptop on the bed and made a dramatic crawl to the kitchen to get a fresh glass of water. This is the part where I started needing a hug. There was no water in the fridge because my brother failed to do his one and only task in life. To refill the bottles with water and put them in the fridge. He was probably busy too...? We don't know but he's not important.

I went outside to refill one of the bottles. The container was too big and heavy. I saw a bottle on the kitchen table with a few drops of water in it so I drank it instead. I walked back to my room, holding my neck. My throat felt dry. I swallowed all the saliva I can produce and I felt sorry for myself.

And then I moved on and went back to the Internet. I'm cool like that. But I sure told everyone what happened.

Nothing bad happened. I lived. Well I guess my throat and intestines are smoother now.

The lesson here is not to stop being careless. It's awesome. The real lesson here is that toners taste horrible. Fact.

Take it from me.

P.S. My Asians are cooking up another online party. I will update you all soon.

So! I'm alive! (UPDATED!!!!!!)

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Wed, 25 May 2011 11:33:00 +0000

So there is this blog post I have been trying to finish since last Sunday. I finally finished it. Yay!

But it's not here. It's over here.

It's password protected so you all are going to have to take an extra step and E-mail me for the password. I'm really difficult like that. *wink*

If you don't know my E-mail address, I have an E-mail form here. Or you can just send me a message on Twitter or Facebook.

Thanks!

Oh! And comment section is closed. :)

Also, yes, I'm still alive. I'm sorry I haven't been posting.

And in 3 weeks, I'll be celebrating my birthday. Just FYI. This is me giving you a chance to save money and shop for gifts. You're welcome. (I'm joking, mom!)

PS: If I don't reply right away, it means I'm already sleeping. I'll email you all back tomorrow.

UPDATE: GUESS WHAT??!

You people are amazing, you're making me fart rainbows!!! Thank you!!!

The Fuct Tape That Does It All

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Tue, 10 May 2011 11:51:00 +0000

Voice Over (In an infomercial-y annoying with fake enthusiasm voice):

From the makers of the Bloggenator Pill and the MutantBerry, here's another awesome product *JUST* for you.

Tired of ordinary the duct tape that easily breaks?

Is it not as useful as your regular hardware store promised?

Does it make you stabby just because?

Well assholes, fret no more!!!

INTRODUCING:

The duct tape that could possibly make your enemy's life a living hell.

The Fuct Tape is made of the same material ordinary duct tapes are made of, BUT!!! It is twice as useful!!!

It is so awesome, you can use it any way you want!!! AND I MEAN ANY WAY!!!

The Fuct Tape will help your every day life more exciting than ever.

Now you can make annoying people who think they know everything shut up, hold together a broken remote control, make a badass wrist band and pretend it's real silver, wax hairy legs, and pretend you're Cyclops (but with less appeal).

It is so useful you can even throw the used Fuct Tape to the person that bugs the shit out of you.

AWESOME!!!

AND NOT ONLY THAT!!!

YES! NOT ONLY THAT!!!

With the Fuct Tape, you can now improve your looks by making an INSTANT GOATEE.

Just stick it to your chin and BAM!!! Goatee!!!

Because The Situation doesn't even have a goatee!!! But everyone's better than him anyway, so.

Lose weight in an instant!!! The Fuct Tape can be used as an INSTANT BODY SHAPING UNDERGARMENT FOR MEN AND WOMEN!

And WHOA! It is a lot cheaper than Spanx!!!

Use it for kidnapping and/or blackmailing.

The Fuct Tape can will make anyone you like ask you out! Less bloody and disgusting than eating their first born!!

Losing the fire in your relationship? The Fuct Tape is also the ULTIMATE RELATIONSHIP RE-ESTABLISHER!!!

Keep your love life exciting. You know you like it!!!

Old-fashioned duct tapes are so boring. Using a duct tape has NEVER been this exciting.

So whether you are a trying-to-be-cool kinda guy, or just someone who wants a flat stomach, or maybe some psycho chick who would do anything to get a date, THE FUCT TAPE is PERFECT for YOU!!!

So what the fuck are you waiting for? Order your all-in-one Fuct Tape now for only $100.00!!!

Sounds expensive? Don't worry!!! Call within the next 10 minutes and get another Fuct Tape for

FREE!!!

In a darker color! HOW. UH-MAZING!!!

But wait!!!

There's more!!!

Order now and get a risk-free, 5-minute, money-back guarantee!!! If you're not satisfied, bring the super amazing Fuct Tape back in 5 minutes and get your money back!!! No questions asked!

So what are you waiting for?

CALL NOW!!! 1-800-FUCTTAPE

***********************

Sort-of update:

Dear Google:
Blogger's system going down last week made led me to an emotional roller coaster. In order for you to make it up to me, I want a Google Doogle for my birthday. You have less than a month to prepare.

You're welcome.

I love too much sometimes.

My brain is rude but stabbing is awesome. This title will make sense later. Maybe.

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Fri, 29 Apr 2011 18:54:00 +0000

I stayed up late again to write something for you guys. Because you, Internet buddies, are awesome.

It's been like what? A month since I gave you an awesome-ish blog post and guess what? My brain is being kind of a brat.

I was asking super nicely, like the sweet little me, for a topic and my brain was like:

So I gave Brain the puppy dog eyes.

Disappointment ensued.

Super rude. Brain? You have an attitude problem. Just saying.

So anyway, since my brain hasn't been very cooperative these past few weeks, I decided to try to draw some stuff first and TRY to come up with a story later.

Did I tell you two of my cousins came to visit? So we have a 9-year-old girl and a 6-year-old boy in the house.

You're probably wondering why I had to tell you that.

It's because what you're about to see (or hear. No. Read?) has something to do with that very vital information.

I was minding my own business, trying to draw cartoons when these two kids decided to watch and ask a lot of questions. Can you imagine how hard it is to concentrate when there are kids yelling beside you, asking a lot of questions? Especially when Brain is being kind of villain-y.

First, Brain is being mean to me and then this?

This made me very, and I mean VERY, angry.

The solution?

I thought maybe, just maybe, if I stab something, it would make me feel better.

That would probably make me a cereal killer. Pretty bad ass.

Technically, this is still a blog post. With drawings. Winning!

Take that, Brain!

Also? Fuck you for being stingy.

Here's a new educational way to get rid of boredom. And I'm sure I'm not the only one who does this.

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Sun, 10 Apr 2011 12:19:00 +0000

(Wait. If you're easily offended by expletives, you can skip this post.)

So I was bored almost the entire week. And you all know that since I've been bitching about it on Twitter and Facebook. I even reply to spammers on Twitter just for kicks.

Well I know a very awesome way to get out of boredom!!!

And I? Am so willing to share this to you!

You're welcome.

For the past few days, all social networking sites have been kinda boring to me. Don't get me wrong. It's the time zone shit. When I'm awake, you're all asleep.

So anyway, last night, I remembered something I used to do when I was working night shift. Playing with online dictionaries! So I looked up a few expletives and clicked on those little speaker buttons and it was awesome because it sounded like the Internet is cussing in different accents and voices and emotions and sometimes, it sounded very creepy.

EXAMPLES:

1. Motherfucker - This first one, for some reason, is only available in 2 accents; a female British voice and male American voice.

2. Asshole - This one is weird because they kinda said the word in such a jolly way. I mean, really?

3. Next one? Fuck. Everyone's favorite cuss word. And this one is available in three different accents! Exciting, I know!!!

But I think their example sentence was meant for me. It was written in such a way that I felt like I was being judged. I had to answer back.

4. Dammit - This one was creepy. Mostly because it was 3 A.M.

5. Dickhead - Now this? Is kinda funny. It sounded like Horatio. Just imagine him teaching you how to pronounce the word dickhead. Right?

6. Bitch - This last one is the best. Or the worst. Whatever. I mean, it still sounded like H but in a colder tone. He was probably annoyed. Or maybe tired.

Imagine? Horatio? Tired? Annoyed? And here I was thinking he only had one emotion and it was...

Okay. I don't know what it's called.

Inspiration for the Horatio drawing found here.

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Tue, 05 Apr 2011 11:54:00 +0000

So I have something to announce.

But first, remember when I offered Justin Bieber's decapitated head to the Internet gods just so they would be nicer to me? Apparently, Bieber's head is not enough! My Internet connection is being such an ass again. It takes forever to load my post editor (Yes. This post editor).

I've explained everything here.

But since I know that you don't really click on the links I give you (HAHA!), I'll give you a short explanation.

Basically, this is what my post editor looks like using Chrome.

This is what it looks like using Firefox.

And finally, this is what it looks like right now:

What Internet Gods? Do I have to hunt Ke$ha now and offer her head to you as a sacrifice? You have weird tastes! But who am I to judge?

So anyway, on to my IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: Awesome Lynn from Thoughts of a Randomista invited me to guest post. So you'll see me there. Hey, I told you I'm sort of a big deal. Okay, not really. She's just kinda busy with stuff. I sent her an old post because I'm kinda having some sort of a writer's block (I am so sorry).

So! You'll find my post at Thoughts of A Randomista. HERE.

If you're a new reader, you probably haven't read it. If you've been with me since the very beginning, you probably have read that post. But still. Support me. Please? Let's pretend I'm really a big deal kinda blogger. Post a comment there as if it's the first time you've read it. WHAT?!

You don't want me to get mad, do you?

See? I'm recycling my drawings now. Dammit.

I just want to say that this post may be short but it's kinda hard to write because I can't see the post editor toolbar. Sucks, I know. Life is a bitch.

Anyway, again, I'm HERE. And please support her too. Her blog is one of the awesomest!!!

It's like you're trying to sabotage my fame.

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Sat, 26 Mar 2011 20:07:00 +0000

Don't you think it kind of sucks when you know you're about to get something and you end up getting disappointed? Because you think you're almost there then BAM! Wake up bitch. Dream's over.

Kinda happens to me a lot. LIKE A LOT!

It's like the world is trying to sabotage me. Trying to sabotage my dreams.

There's more to me than meets the eye, you know?

Guess what? I'll tell you something. You may think I look familiar but you just can't put a finger on it. I know that's how you guys feel when you see me.

So let me refresh your memory.

You may have seen me in the news. I have managed to get small parts in a few movies that you know.

I'm *almost* kind of a big deal.

But for some reason, I always get fired. That's why I'm always in the news.

I was supposed to be in Twilight.

But the scene where I was supposed to be in got deleted because according to the producers, my appearance wasn't really that relevant. NOT RELEVANT? I gave my best vampire impression there!!! Without the fangs. But still.

I was also supposed to be in Inception.

They fired me because I posed when I was supposed to pretend I was sleeping. It kind of pissed them off.

You may have seen me in A Walk To Remember.

I didn't get fired. But I didn't get a long-enough camera exposure. They took the camera off me when I covered my nose. But I had to! Someone there farted so can you blame me? If you didn't see me there, then you weren't paying close attention.

I was also in Terminator 2. Where I met Edward Furlong. My first love.

But I was fired because according to them, I was supposed to act worried, scared, and panicky. Not smiling like a love drunk. I'm sure the girls would understand. It annoyed the producers. And my co-actors.

But the biggest movie I may ever have landed a role in?

Titanic.

Yes. TITANIC!

Watch it again. You'll see me floating somewhere.

Here's another one.

But this scene got deleted as well. Not because I was wearing the same swimsuit but they said (again) I was not supposed to look happy. But can you blame me? I didn't want to be just another nervous drowning person. I wanted to be the "cool" drowning person.

It pissed them the fuck off because, well, IT WASN'T IN THE SCRIPT.

Dammit. I think the world is trying to tell me something. Or maybe, just maybe, someone somewhere is trying to sabotage my attempts to be successful.

Well no, I'm still not gonna do what other stars do. Like spread naked pictures of themselves and SURPRISE! A movie project. *cough*Vanessa Hudgens*cough* (Not judging. Just saying.)

What? I didn't say anything.

Hammers Are Important. You just need to know how to use them.

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Sat, 19 Mar 2011 11:52:00 +0000

You know what's annoying? When you know someone who's secretly a bitch but they don't know it because they think they're nicest person on earth but when you're talking to them, it's like they're not listening because they're too caught up with themselves but they don't even know that they're being self-centered and all you can do is imagine that you're punching them in the mouth to make them stop talking.

About themselves.

Also, when they want to hang out, they would ask you for suggestions but when you say what you want to do, they'd be like, "No. What I have in mind is... SPA!!!"

And you'd be like, "Oh. That."

And they'd be all, "I was at a spa last week and it was like OH MY GOD super fun... BLAH-BLAH-BLAH..."

It's not that you hate going to a spa but it's not really your idea of fun. But their decision is final.

Also, you are pissed because they don't listen to you when you teach them how to pronounce your name correctly and they stick to how they want to call you. And it's super lame.

Also when they keep insisting that you are just lazy that's why you don't hang out when in reality, you just have MORE important things to do (like a doctor's appointment and work?) and they know it. They're just a bad listener.

Also when they keep asking you for ideas just to brush them off because they have BETTER ideas.

Also when they ask you to go to the mall with them because they need to look for cute fashion accessories when they know that you design accessories and they keep saying that they also know how to make accessories (which brings out the question: Then why would you want to go to the mall to look for accessories if you know how to make them?)

So from there, an imaginary situation will take place. In your head. Because it's imaginary. Duh?

IMAGINARY SITUATION:

You both are at Starbucks and they are talking. You're fed up. You'd think about punching them but you don't want to ruin your manicure. So the best revenge would be to hammer some of their important stuff when they're not looking. Like their Blackberry. Because you don't want to get caught. Say, they go to the ladies' room. You will think: This. Is. My. Chance.

But you can't just do that. You need to make sure the phone breaks into tiny pieces, so tiny to be seen with the naked eye, that they won't even notice that it's there.

So you will measure your strength.

The thing is, you can't trust the strength calculator because the result is written in Comic Sans. Very unprofessional.

But still. Because this is imaginary, you will believe it and you will win.

But! You're not really the type of person who carries a hammer when you go out.

You will change that. Since you need something to defend yourself. Yes. Defend. Yourself. You don't want to listen anymore so that's all you can do.

And next time, you will know what to do.

Thank God for imaginations.

P.S. No. I will not bring a hammer. Don't worry.

(Remember, you *don't* hate them. You're just... uh... sayin'...?)

Super Obvious Signs That Your Baby Is Tomorrow's Most Violent Person

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Wed, 09 Mar 2011 15:34:00 +0000

Your baby may be cute. Adorable. Sweet. And cuddly.

But that's just on the outside.

You don't really know what they are thinking because they can't talk.

Actually, they do talk. You just don't understand it. They even cuss sometimes.

Da-da? That means asshole. So if you're a dad and your baby called you Da-da, don't post it on Facebook like a proud dad. Your baby hates you.

I'm just saying.

Also? That cute baby mumbles that he makes that sound like "mum" means bitch.

You're welcome.

Anyway, here are other signs.

1. They look at you with their bright puppy dog eyes.

If they look at you like this, they need something from you. This is their way to get affection. With just one look? THEY. OWN. YOU.

2. They drool when they see you.

This is likely a sign of cannibalism. They want to eat you. They crave your flesh. Or maybe your blood. You may have watched too much Twilight while the baby was in your belly. So stop watching Twilight. I mean it.

3. They do the taste test. On you.

You may think that it's normal for babies to bite when they are teething. Who told you that?? That's super wrong! They want to taste you. And eat you when their teeth are stronger.

I still blame Twilight.

4. They hit you with HARD with their toys.

This. This is one of the strongest signs of violent tendencies. If they hit you. At such a young age. With the toy that YOU bought for them to make them happy. And don't expect those tiny arms to be weak because they are not. When they hit you, it would be painful. You know it in your heart.

5. They pee on you during diaper change.

The moment you think is the most intimate between you and your baby: Diaper change.

It's hard enough to change diapers because babies tend to move a lot. You think it's an accident that they pee so high that it goes straight to your mouth? Then how come they pee right when their diapers are removed? See?

Want another sign? If they kick you after peeing on you.

So. Just a friendly advice? Don't let cute babies fool you. The cuter they are, the more violent they could be in the future.

Again, you're welcome.

P.S. I don't really hate babies. No.

Also? This blog now has a Facebook page!!! Yay! <--- Yes. Another shameless self-promotion. Don't judge.

Random thoughts that are supposed to be posted on Twitter but of course I chose Blogger because Twitter is still lame that until now, they still haven't upgraded their 140-character - uh - thingy.

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Tue, 01 Mar 2011 21:11:00 +0000

I say thingy when I don't remember a certain word.

Just thought I had to explain.

Also, I have to warn you that this is probably the most all-over-the-place blog post you'll ever read in your entire life. But I'm not drunk. No. I'm not. I swear.

Anyway.

I'm not a morning person. REALLY. NOT. Not that I pick fights with strangers or yell at random objects or stab animals or anything like that. I just don't function well in the morning. For instance, every time my alarm goes off, I hit snooze. I am so addicted to sleep. It's my crack. But you know that already.

What you don't know about is what actually happens when I finally manage get out of bed.

I space out.

I think about a lot of stuff that's not really necessary to even think about but I tend to think about them because as I said, I don't function normally in the morning, and I know it's not really that essential to keep repeating myself but this is my blog so deal with it.

I'm kidding.

Fuck. This new keyboard frustrates me!! I don't know what key I keep hitting accidentally but that vertical line that keeps on blinking after every letter that you type (Googled it! Insertion point. Ha!) goes everywhere WHILE I'm typing.

Anyway. (See? After a year in blogging, I still overuse anyway.)

So where was I?

Oh. Yeah. The spacing out.

Okay. So for instance, yesterday morning, I thought about about serial killers. And Horatio Caine. No, really. I did.

I know. Not really a good way to start the day. I mean, Horatio? Really?

But I remembered this post by Blogzarro and it got me thinking. About Horatio. Because he is most likely responsible for ruining a budding serial killer's future.

That was yesterday morning.

Today, I thought about winning the lottery. Last year, Tom and I made an elaborate plan to win the lottery January 2011. But I forgot everything about it. Also, I don't really play the lottery.

Thinking about it now, that must be the reason why I'm still not rich. So I blame Tom. Not that it's his fault that I'm broke. I just wanted to blame someone. Got beef?

So yeah. That's how my brain works in the morning. Well, okay. The whole day, dammit. But these thoughts come to me when I'm in the shower. This is why it takes me an hour to take a bath.

Uh. That's all. Just thought I'd share.

Oh! I made something for you, guys! Because I'm super sweet, I made cards for you to give out to the person you choose.

Hallmark should hire me as a designer. These are really sweet if I do say so myself.

I did warn you that this post was gonna be random and all over the place, right?

I kinda forgot to mention pointless. Ooops.

P.S. I'd like to thank everyone who sent me online hugs last week and this week on Facebook and Tumblr (that was shameless self-promotion right there). You guys are amazing. I love you forever, mofos!

Also? I now have a laptop! Go ahead. Congratulate me. But I'm broke now. So congratulate me AND THEN wish me luck. I don't want to die of hunger.

New Holidays. Because there are things that matter more than THAT Valentine's Day Crap. And Holy Shit, I'm back!

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Tue, 15 Feb 2011 15:38:00 +0000

I hate to disappoint you but this is NOT an anti-Valentine's day post.

So...

I gotta say that I have heard enough bitter statements about Valentine's day yesterday so I decided to do something different. But only just a little bit.

Have you noticed that there are not enough special days to make every person in the world happy? I mean, come on! It's true. Valentine's day is for couples. What about those who are single? (Ahem).

What about those who are pissed off?

What about those who are lazy?

Don't we have a special day for them??

So again, here I am, trying to save the world by making it fair for everyone. I'm working on world ~~domination~~ peace, remember?

Because I'm awesome like that.

So I have come up with a few legendary Special Days that should make EVERYONE happy.

Not just couples.

Are you ready for this?

The Smell Like A Hobo Day.

This is the day when you are allowed to smell like hell and no one would judge you because everyone else smells the same. Stinky armpits, last night's dinner in your mouth, flies following you around like your some kind of Justin Bieber for the flies, etc. The smellier you are, the more famous you'll be. But just for one day.

PLEASE! Do not exceed. Or else, the next day should be Kill The People Who Smell Like A Hobo Day.

The Please Don't Let Taylor Swift Sing Ever Again Or I'll Get Kanye Day. (Or the I'ma Let You Finish Day).

source

I don't even have to explain this. The person who encouraged her to become a singer should be tickled in the nose with a dusty feather for 30 days straight.

Kick To Show You Care Day.

This is the day when you can show the person you care about that you TOTALLY care by kicking them. It's super awesome. You will be able to test how strong and flexible your legs are and show your affection at the same time. There's nothing wrong with being affectionate, right?

Punch Random People Because I Feel Like Shit Day.

This day is for everyone as well. If you're a girl and you feel stabby because of PMS but you don't really feel like bringing a knife anywhere you go because it's not really that fashionable to bring a knife and also it might ruin your cutey pinky purse, just punch anyone. Random people! And if you're a guy and you're drunk and feeling violent, this day is perfect for you too. Not only will it make you feel better but also? It will make other people who get left out on other special days feel like they belong. It's for a good cause. See?

Lazy/Procrastinator's Day

Well, I haven't decided the exact dates we should celebrate these super awesome special days so you can celebrate anytime you want. Go ahead. Physically assault someone with wild abandonment.

BLOBTHER

noreply@blogger.com (Gnetch) — Mon, 31 Jan 2011 15:21:00 +0000

Warning: This post has crappy hand-drawn illustrations. You'll understand later. You're allowed to complain. I love you guys like that.

No. I'm kidding. You can't complain.

So.

My brother and I NEVER get along. We always find a way to argue about something. It's like our super powers clash all the time. He did not want to go to school. He doesn't have a job. He's been a bum since birth. And he's not willing to help with the chores too. So, now you know why.

He had a part-time job about 2 years ago but it wasn't because he wanted to help me with the expenses. OH GOD NO!! It was for him to save money to buy a desktop PC. He's addicted to online games and all that shit. After he bought his desktop, he started living the live of a sedentary blob. Yes. A. Fucking. Blob. Not that useful and NOT RECYCLABLE.

That's my sister's finger on the side. :)

Being the only one who's working (saving the world, punching douchebags, you know? The normal stuff?), it pisses the fuck out of me when the stupid evil in him comes out. Especially when my superpowers run out.

Despite the fact that he's lazy as hell (so, hell's lazy because I said so), he could be very bossy and demanding. He has no idea how to talk to everyone nicely and he acts as if he's the one who's feeding the family. Believe me.

You don't have a choice anyway.

Friday night, while I was having an FB chat with Sweta, using Blobther's PC of course, (well, surprise!! I'm using his PC when I blog), the monitor got possessed. Maybe it was him who possessed his monitor. Because suddenly? It started to go crazy. Like-- monster crazy!

It messed up with my eyes so bad that they started to bleed.

JUST KIDDING! But you really didn't buy that, did you?

Anyway, I turned off the PC and decided to sleep. Then Blobther came home at around 5AM, turned on his PC and found the monster monitor. Knowing that I was the one who used it last, he wanted me to pay for it. In the most annoying way possible.


The I-am-the-boss-who-can-threaten-you-because-I-don't-want-to-make-it-obvious-that-I'm-a-loser tactic

The I'll-follow-you-wherever-you-are-in-the-house-and-pretend-that-I'm-trying-to-figure-out-what's-wrong-with-the-monitor-in-front-of-you tactic. Or in short, the attention whore tactic.

So I was like:

And he was all:

What the fucking, fucking, fuck?? Is this like blackmail? Extortion? Death threat?

Okay. Not really death threat. But not being able to blog is kinda life-threatening. So technically, it was a death threat.

But THAT pissed me off BIGFUCKINGTIME!! I would be able to buy my own PC if and only if he has a job. But he doesn't. I hate to put it this way but I feed him. And I pay the electricity bills half of his Internet bills. Simply put, I am the breadwinner.

Oooops! Wrong illustration.

So anyway, Blobther is a pain in the ass. Like you haven't figured it out already. Ha! And he has the thickest skin in the face of the planet. I might have to invent a special lotion for him.

And now, I don't have a PC to use at home. I still read your blogs at work. (Don't tell my boss.)

Anyway, I'd like to thank my sister for helping me color my drawings and a friend who let me borrow her laptop.

This friend:

Go ahead. Say hi to her. Make her an internet sensation. Like my bruise!

Of course I have nice people around me too!

That's because I'm nice.

DO. NOT. ARGUE!

P.S. I had to draw the illustrations because using MS Paint and a mouse takes years. And I have to return this laptop right away. It's easier to draw and upload.