Rants from the grumpy side of life

Feb Fast again

noreply@blogger.com (Captain Angry Ranty Pants) — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 17:36:41 PST

The Captain is once more doing Feb fast!

Let the bells peal out across the land

Anyway, while I am happy to not be drinking (possibly a lie) and look forward to a month without a sneaky beer (Most undoubtedly a lie) I am a little worried that I will end the month with out any donations.

Which brings us to you. Hi!

Why not "buy the Captain a drink"? Yes instead of buying me a real drink, which lets face it probably won't happen as

a) I am angry and not often the best company
b) I am not allowed in a lot of pubs due to the infamous gorilla suit with flippers incident of 2006
c) I am an anonymous construct character

Instead buy me a virtual drink in the way of donation!

If everyone who reads my blog or followed me on twitter "bought me a Sneaky beer" I will make a good return for these charities. It's not much for you but the might of the Captains army will make a sizable return. (Sorry for drafting you in the army but I am a Captain so it seemed appropriate.)

Go here Come on $5 is enough. ( Or $10 if you are buying me a shmancey drink. ) When you donate tell me what drink it is.

So if you have ever read my blog followed the inanity of the inside of my mind on twitter and thought I'd like to buy this chap a beer, ( or even a bear if you a) can't spell or b) like the idea of me sitting awkwardly with a Kodiak bear watching the news) now is the time to donate that money to Feb Fast.

Also for this years challenge...I am blogging every day of Febfast. yes. EVERY DAY

go on...why not. It's here in case you missed the link earlier.

In closing, a penguin being a dick

http://animalsbeingdicks.com/

Todays Puzzle

noreply@blogger.com (Captain Angry Ranty Pants) — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 21:42:06 PST

Big Dog, Little Dog

Which one is which?

Todays puzzle

noreply@blogger.com (Captain Angry Ranty Pants) — Fri, 14 Oct 2011 00:04:13 PDT

Big Dog, Little Dog

Which one is which?

An Open Letter

noreply@blogger.com (Captain Angry Ranty Pants) — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 00:42:34 PDT

Dear Australians

What is happening in America is equal parts amazing, exciting and scary.

The people who are not supported with a minimum wage, a fair healthcare system, a free education by their debt riddled government are amassing Boston tea party style to create change. Amazing. The conditions for the lower class, and the size of that class, In America is shocking. I am not in a position to speak to it at depth but I can say it is not Australia.

I do not deny we have people making too much and too many people in poverty. But we are not America.

Their government bailed out the banks when the GFC hit, ours gave the people money to spend to generate activity for our economy. A simplistic contrast? Yes but simply put we are not America

Lets take a look at our middle class lives of privilege and take a moment before we storm the streets. Because quite honestly there are many many other things in our society we should be massing to demand change for rather than mimicking the outrage and protest of another Country which we are not

Todays puzzle

noreply@blogger.com (Captain Angry Ranty Pants) — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 23:49:02 PDT

Big Dog, Little Dog

Which one is which?

This is how the world ends

noreply@blogger.com (Captain Angry Ranty Pants) — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 19:25:38 PDT

The coalition of amphibia revealed their intent

http://animalblog.me/post/10787371783/submitted-by-whatacreation

Foiling Facebook

noreply@blogger.com (Captain Angry Ranty Pants) — Tue, 27 Sep 2011 00:26:37 PDT

Despite evidence to the contrary i don't mind Facebook.

It's an easy way to 'catch' up with a whole lot of people you don't really want to catch up with and it means you never have to sit through another friends holiday slideshow or baby album ever again. A few quick likes and they all think you are genuinely interested. Rock!

Of course some people do have a few tiny secrecy concerns. "Bah humbug" says the man who hides behind the visage of a dwarf and the rank of Angry. Who really cares about a little bit of data mining when the phone in your pocket is providing far more information than Facebook would ever do? (and lets face it every thing you complained about a year ago you now don't blink an eyelid at now)

But despite my cavalier attitude the Captain has developed a few fun strategies to foil the information gatherers at Facebook.

Change location. I 'live' in Puerto Mejillones, Magallanes Y De La Antártica Chilena. Its sunny, a little latino and means none of my adverts are in English. Hola!

Be variable on your birthday. I like to have two a year. It not just for the fun of all the wall posts. My next is the 19th of November. I will be 19.

Change your school. I had a great time at MLC Ladies College and was known as Gherkin by the Gurls there

Ditto for university

Have a long and storied career at places you never worked in dates when you were too young to work there.

Tag yourself in as many photos as possible except the ones you are in. It's good to create a high level confusion about what you look like

Whenever you get the 'so and so and so and so are now friends' message, comment "but why" admittedly this wont stop data mining but you gotta admit it's fun

Make as many of your friends part of your family.

Of course the easiest way to foil facebook is to leave it or 'leave' it which means you will be back in 8 months with some dodgy reason why "i came back for the chat function"

and to finish with, here is a picture of a doggie with biscuits in its mouth.

http://bitsandpieces.us/2011/09/16/what-biscuits/

Todays Puzzle

noreply@blogger.com (Captain Angry Ranty Pants) — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 18:10:16 PDT

Big Dog, Little Dog

Which one is which?

Thanks to Melissa

Hashtags

noreply@blogger.com (Captain Angry Ranty Pants) — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 00:15:29 PDT

How great are hashtags???!!! #frackinggfanstasticthatshowgreattheyare

Hashatgs are the reason twitter is so magnificent. No its not because its a 140 character limited opportunity to shout your inanities at the world.

Evidence

You may tweet

" I am folding the laundry"

and people will realize you are part of the group of people looking for an alternative to talking with the cat and because you think people are really interested about your home making skills or the fact you wash on a Tuesday

or you could tweet

" I am folding the laundry #justinbieber"

and you would suddenly be part of a tsunami eave of emotion from people around the world who would suddenly try and download the new " i am folding the sheets " track from the Bieber

or you could tweet

" I am folding the laundry #qanda"

and lets face it you'd have a good chance to have it shown on TV as its as intelligent/ relevant and fair minded as any of the other drivel they telecast (1)

or maybe you could express yourself with

" I am folding the laundry #facepalm"

and we would all feel your pain while simultaneously you would show you are hip with da lingo. ROFL! o_O and of course HUTST (2)

or you could go the whole hog and tweet

"I am folding the laundry #HeyBitchesitsBrittney"

and you would prove why hashtags are the best thing. ever. #ever

1. Speaks a two time telecasted QANDA tweeter #ihaveadanceidowhenithappens
2. Which may admittedly have just been made up by me #casueiamthathip

Letter to little Jimmy AngryRantyPants

noreply@blogger.com (Captain Angry Ranty Pants) — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 00:31:22 PDT

HI Jimmy

You may be surprised to get this letter seeing I am long since past and if you followed the instructions of my will, boiled into a vat of Beer.

Hi!

As I write this you don't exist but I thought I should take this time to say sorry. Sorry :) ( That's a smiley face we use to use these when we didn't have time to write longer nice things. Kind of awkward aren't they?)

You see we are in the middle of this thing called Climate Change. You don't have it as you'd call it Climate Changed. Anyhoo we noticed the environment isn't fairly happy with what we have done over the last 50 years (i know! 50 years not long but there ya go.) Things moved very fast when I was your age. I know they don't for you anymore, I guess that's what happens without resources.

Anyway, people didn't believe in Climate Change, for a lot of reasons but mostly because we believed in money more. Oh we loved money. None of us ever had enough and a few of us had the vast majority of it. We used this money to buy big houses that we could lock our responsibility to each other out of, and we drove ridiculous big cars which insulated us from caring and we bought things. Just things. We loved things.

There was a moment, not a unique moment, but a moment where our leaders decided to put a price on carbon ( basically a pollution tax) as a step towards moving away from contributing to climate change but we argued. It wasn't a big moment or a noticeable moment but it was a moment where the people with a lot of money protected their money and the rest of us were made scared by them and our leaders followed a "party line". They liked to make us scared then. About so many things, seemingly everything outside of our ridiculously big houses.

It was a moment which passed.

It's a shame. So I imagine you have many reasons to fear now although little doubt of what the future will hold as we sorted that for you. I hope you don't fear though. I hope you learned hope and generosity and love and fellowship because I find it hard to find it today

Sorry

Captain Angry Ranty Pants

Todays Puzzle

noreply@blogger.com (Captain Angry Ranty Pants) — Sun, 21 Aug 2011 01:45:29 PDT

Big Dog, Little Dog

Which one is which?

First world problems

noreply@blogger.com (Captain Angry Ranty Pants) — Thu, 18 Aug 2011 17:45:50 PDT

Shibathewanderer said: Hungry! Tired and seem to be getting a cough #facepalm

I'm not saying that the fact that you got wet to work isn't important or that your email in tray isn't full of worrying things or that the fact you may have to wait for five minutes for your Saturday brunch isn't a tragedy.

I'm not saying that.

and yes i think $9 for a lunch from a food hall is too much to spend and that the fact you have to clean on the weekend is annoying and what! and your sports team will lose on the weekend. and, and ! you haven't had holidays in seven months! That's a tragedy

That is a tragedy.

Like this

So its time for the Captain Angry Ranty Pants challenge. Pick an amount of money that you don't blink at having or not having be it $2 or $5 or $10. I picked $5

Then count your last 50 Twitter updates and every time you complain about a first world problem you donate that amount to your East African charity of choice. Or you can use UNICEF (Someone can keep me honest and count mine and comment and I will donate that amount.)

Or of course you don't have to it.

Pretend its someone else problem, or thats it always happens so why should you donate now or that you don't have the money right now. Whatever you need to justify doing nothing. But know sometime over the weekend these facts will come back to you and it will pop into your head with the question "Just how much money did I waste this weekend on middle class nothings"

In addition to lack of food and water, malnourished children are even more susceptible to potential deadly diseases such as measles, malaria, diarrhoea and pneumonia. And with one of the lowest immunisation rates in the world, malaria and measles epidemics are expected when the rains come in October.UNICEF is urgently working to scale up measles vaccination to 2.5 million children in Somalia, as well as immunising children against polio, measles and worms in Kenya and Ethiopia. UNICEF is also expanding the provision of safe water and sanitation by drilling boreholes, trucking in water tankers and providing vouchers to be exchanged for waterMany of the 800,000 children who are currently displaced due to the drought and conflict are without family. These children are highly vulnerable to exploitation and abuse as campaigns to recruit children, including girls, into armed forces continue.

$10 vaccinates 50 children against measles.
$40 provides a months worth of special therapeutic food used to treat malnourished children.

Same Sex marriage

noreply@blogger.com (Captain Angry Ranty Pants) — Wed, 17 Aug 2011 00:48:35 PDT

Seriously. Why not? Why can't there be same sex marriage? Give me one good reason? Go on!

Why can't two chaps who both like Mariah Carey be allowed to become a legal unit? Hmm? Anyone? Anyone?

Why shouldn't they be allowed to set a date, panic about who to invite, argue with their parents, save all their money, stress over picking a venue, worry over what to feed people, argue over the wedding invite, rewrite the invite list to include weird old Uncle Kevin, find out their venue is overbooked, wonder if they should have a grooms party, pick a menu, change the menu, chase the venue cause they never ring back, rewrite the invite list to exclude weird old Uncle Kevin, find a celebrant, write vows, chase up peoples addresses, spend a day of hell working out the wedding registry, argue over the wedding registry, rewrite the invite list to include weird old Uncle Kevin again,rewrite vows, wonder why your ring can't be a Flash ring, empty their bank accounts to pay the deposit on your 'cheap' venue, realize Uncle Kevin is dead, not be stressed, realize that even a small wedding with no fuss is actually a big fuss, be stressed, rewrite vows to exclude the lyrics of Bohemian Rhapsody, not be stressed, be stressed, realize you hadn't organized documenting the event at all, argue over the playlist and why its not appropriate to have a song called "Stab U" as the walk down the aisle music, panic, avoid hens and bucks party, get caught by bucks party, forget you haven't picked up your suit, wonder if there will be enough food, wonder if the wine will be nice, wonder if anyone will turn up, get married, dance, stop friends exposing themselves on wedding photographers camera, don't eat anything expect rubbery fish and chips wake up on the couch the morning after at 2am having a think

Why can't they be allowed to do all that?

ABSOLUTELY NO REASON WHATSOEVER.

Here. Pictorial proof

http://electricsheepcomix.com/infogfx/sameSexMarriageChart.png

Real Estate Agents

noreply@blogger.com (Captain Angry Ranty Pants) — Fri, 19 Aug 2011 16:00:49 PDT

...are crap

End of rant

But seriously. They really are.

"Why you ask" already knowing the answer

It's not because they advertise their properties so maliciously with their artful photographhs that hide the fact that you would have to open the front door to exhale and their genre literary writing of their housing descriptions.

It's not because they make you jump through so many hoops to be able to open your wallet and pour it into theirs at rent time, with referees on applications which they never call, certainly seeing none fo them have the highly developed communication skill of talking.

It's not just because their avergae age is 19, similar to their IQs, and their suits have been bought form the factor outlet and they spend more time on their mobile texting than engaging in anythign like face to face communication

It's not just because they are totally incapable of turning up on time for anything. Ever. Including the ten measly minutes they have a property open.

It's not just because they never do what they say they will, hello bin without wheels which was to be replaced the next week and still has no wheels almost 6 months later. I look at you through the window which doesn't open. Again to be fixed next week.

It's because their inspections are a sham. Yes. A sham.

You clean the place in preparation for their laughingly called regular inspection for them to walk into the kitchen and then walk out

Yes, they walk into the kitchen, pick up the form you have filled in highlighting everything they haven't fixed and they they walk out. If you are there they may chat. But I don't know why you'd want to talk to those 9 to 5 junior drones who have a life ahead of them solely of desk jockeying, matching stationary, the newest mobile phone, getting pissed at the local on the weekend and the intellectual and cultural depth of a pigeon.

They just inspect the kitchen. and when i say inspect i mean they WALK INTO THE KITCHEN AND THEN WALK OUT!!! That's it. End of story. That's the whole deal

What are the going to discover in there then? That the oven has dissipated, that your crockery doesn't match, that the place smells from the dead bodies in the pantry. That you have set up a meth lab to subsidize the ridiculous rental amount they charge (and everyone knows you set the meth lab up in the laundry next to the whiskery distillery and the washing machine. Ridiculous.

Is it so hard to walk around the house, I don't know, maybe go crazy and check you haven't put more hooks up (which you haven't), marked the carpet (which you don't) and have kept the place in a generally good shape (which you do)

They walk into the kitchen. They walk out. There goes your three monthly inspection

What a pointless waste of time, effort and me putting Pinot the worlds smallest Black Panther in a catery for the day

Pinot the Worlds Smallest Black Panther providing secretarial duties

Advertising

noreply@blogger.com (Captain Angry Ranty Pants) — Tue, 31 May 2011 23:06:10 PDT

You may have noticed this blog has advertising. Why you may ask?

I have a somewhat small readership which occasionally flares into double figures and I thought wouldn't it be good to generate a little extra $ through the site! For me? No. i am okay in the money side of things

Instead I am raising money for the Australian Orang Utan Project Yes every last cent (and lets face it will be cents) I am sending (plus I am matching it $ for $)

Why? Because I like Orangs and lets face it if the apes do take over I want to be in the inside running to survive in some sort of menial role to our new simian overlords

and anyway Orangs are nice. Except for the guy from the ING adverts who is creepy

So there you go.

and what can you do? well click! clickety click click click clicksville. When you've read a post have a click cause that means the advertisers pay and the Orangs make some money.

Grumpiness around the world

noreply@blogger.com (Captain Angry Ranty Pants) — Fri, 20 May 2011 00:43:26 PDT

thanks to @miss_shiny

There ought to be a law

noreply@blogger.com (Captain Angry Ranty Pants) — Wed, 18 May 2011 15:19:39 PDT

My neighbourhood is under constant threat from thieves, vandals, and Bandicoots. As its self-appointed guardian, I have to kill a lot of time late at night. So I watch a lot of television, and I'm absolutely fed up with it.

What gets right up my nose is the endless parade of fast-talking Emus in ill-fitting suits promising instant riches for gullible viewers. Photo after photo of flash cars, expansive holiday villas, and blindingly white teeth all courtesy of their latest scheme, whether it's spruiking dodgy cosmetics, "flipping" unwanted and overpriced real estate, or setting up half-baked websites for "passive income streams."

Am I the only one noticing that these enterprises don’t actually use the business plans that they’re selling? None of these ideas could possibly make money.

The only ones that come close to being legitimate are the ones offering directories of government assistance programmes, and those are morally bankrupt--encouraging Koalas ALREADY on the dole to grow even fatter off the government's largesse, applying for unneeded grants to bilk taxpayers out of their hard-earned dollars whilst they pursue a university degree in advanced knitting or some such rubbish.

The Emu pitchmen aren't the only problem. They wouldn't do it if they weren't making money. In fact, I shudder when I stop to think of the sorts of individuals ready to participate in such transparent frauds. So, an equal share of blame needs to be laid at the feet of the Kangaroos, Dunnarts, and Quokkas so desperate to avoid hard work that they actually believe these lies.

Something must be done to put an end to these scams. At the same time, I'll be stone cold dead in the ground before I suggest that we let the nanny state decide what can and can’t be seen on TV. So I’m proposing a simple solution: Ban Emus from television.

Would we be culturally poorer if they were completely gone? It's not like they've made any meaningful contributions, and allowing them to stay just gives them carte blanche to devastate some poor Echidna's nest egg, figuratively and literally. A ban will rescue our nation from the open sewer of toxic programming that is late-night television.

But such a measure would just be closing the barn door after the horse has snuck into another country on an extended guest worker visa, leaving the victims of these criminal enterprises broke and vulnerable. That’s why they should get in touch with me as soon as possible. For financial assistance.

You see, the other thing I’ve been doing with my time is studying accountancy, and I have developed a new system that will put them on the road to financial recovery whilst guaranteeing that no one else will ever be able to steal from them again. I’ll be happy to send them (or you!) the details as soon as I’ve received my first payment.

_{Racist Wallaby is active on Twitter and vents an ill-considered pile of rubbish opinions on his blog. He also maintains a web page on Facebook, but hasn’t done much with that because he’s not some sex-obsessed Pademelon on the prowl for underage victims.}

Grumpiness around the world

noreply@blogger.com (Captain Angry Ranty Pants) — Thu, 21 Apr 2011 01:00:27 PDT

thanks to @christopherrrrr

Possibly the most magnificent spam comment ever

noreply@blogger.com (Captain Angry Ranty Pants) — Wed, 20 Apr 2011 23:10:14 PDT

Road. Due to the fact eighteen-year-old silver gemini pendant , your girl seemed to be his Tang Shu silver chain pendan, Ichiro Yamaguchi silver baby anklet, leader with the obligatory using Yamaguchi as part of Tokyo silver horse jewelry, japan silver fish jewellery, beneath accommodate arrest in our Kyoto.

Subsequently after 4 years with attention silver heart bracelet, specific initiatives to make sure you make an impression on these kinds of old-timers poop the most important company and furthermore improving super star silver love necklace, the argue continues unquestionably the aid to do with lots of people silver dragonfly bracelet, but nonetheless silver clover ring, versus the Ichiro Yamaguchi silver angel jewellery, your man's charm holds poor silver chain bracelet, for the children in order to together with Ichiro Yamaguchi .

"Miss silver rose earring, My family and i seen what is this great silver dollar ring, a man younger take control of contained in the Truly betting raft sterling silver chinese jewelry, raise anchor cruise ships and as a consequence European roulette when men or women go and also put to sleep the very ill-fated.Inch Mieko Yamaguchi cleaning service banded anyway, they homozygous whispered.

Yamaguchi seen involved in the boy can be gone, pretty much Mieko Yamaguchi likewise researched quite sorry almost like eventually to get completely happy, yanked zygote hands, "this headline holds true?" To learn an especially encouraging jerk zygote, Mieko claims which included a smile: "a superb passing of life, i think that under the elderly Tang Shu the correct way that he commanded us on to wed his own son and daughter.In . on the grounds that this wounderful woman has trouble is how the component, and here be tested by at the masculine passed on, and she is probably not anymore concerns about.

"Now generally excite while in the guy wed, you mustn't grate everybody?Centimeter Mieko Yamaguchi see which, instantly come about elsewhere in the body that will Ouyang.

Mieko is happy humor ensuring your company appeared instantly startled of the signal, simply go the foundation inside the signal during that action so enjoyed Ouyang Xiao Hehe checked her.

"Who considering? So how performed your family include?Half inch Mieko Yamaguchi love created by several to be scared of, Ouyang think involved with ideas eventually just the thing is meant. To receive my building your woman was first very clear, immunity, but is not strong, even so for being easy to may be found in that will be unthinkable. Fortunately the eye

I am going to hit the spoken word tour and perform this comment. Gold! Captain AR Pants esq

An Open letter

noreply@blogger.com (Captain Angry Ranty Pants) — Thu, 07 Apr 2011 01:58:02 PDT

Dear Peter Garrett

I see buildings, clothing the sky, in paradise. Sydney, nights are warm and daytime telly is still a blue rinse dawn and Dad's so bad he lives in the pub, it's a underarms and football club. A flat chat Pine Gap, in every home a Big Mac, And no one goes outback, that's that (unless they are intervening to make things better?)

You take what you get, you get what you please?

Is it still better to die on your feet than to live on your knees?

Sometimes you've got to take the hardest line? Or is it now sometimes you take the easiest line?

Sometimes you've got to take the hardest line.

What changed?

Regards

Captain AR Pants Esq

Grumpiness around the world

noreply@blogger.com (Captain Angry Ranty Pants) — Mon, 28 Mar 2011 16:14:09 PDT

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/2011/03/23/tears-and-laughter-at-yosemite-falls/

Remembering Knut

noreply@blogger.com (Captain Angry Ranty Pants) — Sat, 19 Mar 2011 18:02:21 PDT

Berlin's beloved polar bear Knut, who rose to stardom when he was hand-raised by zoo keepers after being rejected by his mother rejected at birth, died on Saturday, a zoo official said.

This is sad news. Not just because i have been along time fan of Knut but also for it again highlighting the challenge of zoos.

I am a zoo advocate.

I don 't like the fact we have to have Zoos but I do like a well planned Zoo. A Zoo which is contributing to sustaining animal species and educating. It's just a fucker that we have to be sustaining animals due to all of our greed and selfishness.On every trip to any zoo the sadness of our collective greed always hits me.

I like Zoos which have a clear role in conservation. Zoos that educate and zoos which you can walk around and not see any animals because the big, and well planned, enclosures allow all of their animals a place to be alone and to simulate their wild existence. I don't like Zoos where people bang on the glass or get annoyed cause the monkeys are asleep. But that's more about the people than the Zoos. I hate, to the point of loathing, people who use animals purely as attractions and novelties

Knuts death has again shown there are animals that shouldn't be in zoos and polar bears pretty much top that list with their needs for a range to wander and desire for isolation.

Something about the fact that Knut was a cute commodity then a forgotten depressed adult also really hits me.

http://photoblog.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/03/19/6302323-knut-the-polar-bear-dies-at-berlin-zoo

Cross walks button pushers

noreply@blogger.com (Captain Angry Ranty Pants) — Fri, 18 Mar 2011 00:29:18 PDT

who knew that if you kept pressing the crossing button the lights changed quicker

arsehats

Todays puzzle

noreply@blogger.com (Captain Angry Ranty Pants) — Sun, 13 Mar 2011 14:24:02 PDT

Big Dog, Little Dog

Which one is which?

http://whydoihaveablog.net/post/3827257593/via-i-imgur-com-killin-it

Grumpiness around the world

noreply@blogger.com (Captain Angry Ranty Pants) — Wed, 09 Mar 2011 15:10:00 PST