theCDP.net

I've Taken My Talents To WordPress.

2017-02-13T00:01:00.000-06:00

On February 13 of 2017, theCDP.net moved to its new home on WordPress. The page you're on isn't going anywhere, but all new content will be published on theCDP.net. Update bookmarks if necessary. Come check it out!

Or stay here and live in the past. Your life, buddy.

I'm Taking My Talents To WordPress.

2017-01-30T00:01:00.000-06:00

Oh shit. This looks like change. I don't like change. I want everything to stay the same forever.

Don't worry. I got you. Hold...hold my hand. This is going to be fun.

On Monday, February 13, the CDP will turn 13. We're also returning with new content and a brand-new WordPress site.

We've been on Blogger since 2004, but it's time for a change. Everything is coming with me and our address remains the same, so there's no need to do anything but show up. The old school Blogger page you're currently on will stay up indefinitely, but theCDP.net will flip to WordPress on 2/13/17.

See? We're good. See you in a couple weeks.

15 Photos Of Chicago.

2016-11-07T00:01:00.002-06:00

NOTE: I'm not done with the 'Most Popular Post In CDP History' essay, so please accept my apologies and enjoy these selected photos from my 2016 vacation to Chicago.

Disrupt.

Skeleton.

Media Wall.

Dummy (right).

Debate Camera.

Letters To Cleo.

Weatherman.

Missus and Kay.

"The dead have risen and are currently walking the Earth."

Beercade.

Happy Good Day.

I'm moderating this bitch.

Adult.

Deuces, Stinktown. It's been real.

See you again soon. I'm writing, I promise.

10 Photos Of Des Moines.

2016-11-04T00:01:00.000-05:00

NOTE: I'm not done with the 'Most Popular Post In CDP History' essay, so please accept my apologies and enjoy these selected photos from my 2016 vacation to Des Moines.

Graffiti.

Arcade.

Up/Down.

Bike.

Static pillow.

Fong's Pizza.

Punch-Out.

Picturesque.

Laika (mirror) tattoo. The reason for the season.

See you Monday.

10 Photos Of Portland.

2016-11-02T00:01:00.000-05:00

NOTE: I'm not done with the 'Most Popular Post In CDP History' essay, so please accept my apologies and enjoy these selected photos from my 2016 vacation to Portland.

Liquor wall.

Powell's.

Dope kicks.

Bridge(s).

Voodoo Doughnuts.

I unfortunately had to travel alone.

Cookieface.

CDP alumni Levi Greenacres tattooed me! Also met Pointless Banter's Kevin Palmer and the Mark and Toddcast's Todd Werkoven. Great, great people.

Technically Utah.

See you Friday.

15 Photos Of Las Vegas.

2016-10-31T00:01:00.001-05:00

NOTE: I'm not done with the 'Most Popular Post In CDP History' essay, so please accept my apologies and enjoy these selected photos from my 2016 vacation to Las Vegas.

Bar.

Puft.

Venetian.

Robot.

Palm trees. 116 degrees that day.

The wire.

Mantis.

Sportsbook.

Alien.

The ponies.

Top Golf.

Pinball.

Cocktails.

Bellagio peek.

See you Wednesday.

The 11 Most Popular CDP Posts Of All-Time.

2016-09-12T00:01:00.001-05:00

As of today's post, I have been blogging here at the CDP for 12-and-a-half years. Since February of 2004, to be specific. Nearly 1500 individual entries, too.

That's a long time to have done anything, and since the inception, I've managed to keep a side-eye on what seems to resonate on the web and what does not, traffic-wise. Now, this information has never shaped what I do here, and the CDP has never been popular enough to move the needle in any significant cultural sense, but that's just the way I like it. It's 2016. If you suddenly find yourself receiving a ton of attention on the Internet, it's probably because a bunch of lunatics are forcing you to apologize about something. It's never been worth it to me. I write what I want to write for the people who want to read it, I release a book every decade or so, and life is good.

I realized a long time ago that you cannot predict what will catch fire and what will languish in the archives and be read by nobody. It'll drive you insane. It's just best to do what you want and see what shakes out. When I think about my biggest, most ambitious projects that I'm the most proud of (Decade In Review, Loves The 90's, TV25 Tournament, TV Month, etc.), statistics say that they weren't all that massive. This isn't even speaking to the hundreds of personal essays over the years that comprised both of my books. Some of those have been read by literally nobody.

But today isn't about any of that. Today is an analysis of the Most Popular Posts In CDP History. Not my 'best,' not the most well-received. Just a straight-up look at the entries that have been viewed by the most people. The reason I'm doing this is because...well, we'll get to that later. It's worth your while.

Again, is this indicative of my best work? Nope; not even close. In fact, a couple of these are downright embarrassing in the light of 2016. Like I said, you cannot predict these things, but a few patterns did emerge once I started crunching the numbers. For example, 7 of the Top 11 entries are lists, which proves the Internet adage that if you're just looking for traffic, clickbait always trumps quality.

Here we go. I'll add personal thoughts as we venture along.

11. Top 50 3rd Wave Ska Albums Of All-Time

Published - 09/24/10
Unique Hits - 10,000+

I had a lot of fun writing my list of the 50 Greatest 3rd Wave Ska Albums Of All-Time, but I thought it was just a selfish labor of love. I remember putting a fair amount of work into it with clips and photos and whatnot, along with personal remembrances of my time as a hardcore Ska fan. Frankly, the only reason I did it was because I wanted to read a list like this, but nothing existed on the Internet that I thought was worthy. So I made one myself, and it seemed to resonate with those who remember the era as fondly as I did. I also really like that logo.

10. 10 Stupid Jobs

Published - 01/17/06
Unique Hits - 12,000+

This isn't a list of 10 jobs that I find 'stupid.' This was literally a list of the first 10 jobs I've ever had; totally personal and autobiographical in nature. I like the essay and had fun with it, but the real reason it got bigger than average was because it shows up extremely high on search engines when you type in 'stupid jobs.' I'll take it, if only because I want as many people as possible to read about the time I crashed that golf course mower through a fence and onto the highway.

9. The Worst Album Covers Of All-Time

Published - 03/20/06
Unique Hits - 15,000+

This was a lucky example of striking while the iron was hot. Long before clickbait was a word and BuzzFeed carved an empire off of shit like this, I sifted through a bunch of terrible album covers and made fun of them. Now, I think I did a good job with this, but it was more of a 'right time, right place' thing. I still get e-mails about this original album cover list (I did a few of them). In fact, one album in particular makes its own appearance later on in the countdown.

8. Everything Went Exactly As Planned

Published - 01/18/11
Unique Hits - 15,000+

This is a funny story. I created the above image and scanned it. The idea was to make it look like something from my childhood, and specifically to make it look like I got everything I 'wished' for. It was a self-deprecating, un-serious way to poke fun at how you think things will go, versus how things end up going. You either think it's clever or it's not, right?

Well, BuzzFeed either didn't get the joke, or the tween they had writing their list didn't look close enough at my image. The above 'MASH' creation was used (without permission, although I was cited) on one of their nostalgia lists. This lead to some hilariously misguided comments ("This idiot wanted a Mercury Sable?") as nobody checked the source material to fully understand the joke. It was just a random, dumb luck set of circumstances that confused a lot of people who didn't know me.

However, the best part was the spike in web traffic for my wife's maiden name. Thousands of people on BuzzFeed wanted to know who this unknown woman was who shared a MASH category with Cindy Crawford and Christie Brinkley. It was a fun few weeks to sit back and watch it all play out. Internet's weird, man.

7. The Conspiracy Starts Now

Published - 06/24/06
Unique Hits - 16,000+

Many years ago, I found myself stuck in the middle of a UFO convention. Not a fun one. A serious, terrified group of people in the sweltering middle of nowhere talking about probes and mind control and personal tales of punching aliens in the face (not kidding). Instead of fleeing for my life, I stuck around and rolled tape until I thought I'd be outed as a skinwalker and got the hell out of dodge.

I still think about that day sometimes. There was a moment during the festivities where the speaker wanted to go around the room and have people say out loud what their personal experiences had been with aliens. That was my cue to throw the car keys to Celia and start running.

6. Top 20 Scary Movie Moments

Published - 10/28/04
Unique Hits - 20,000+

From a strictly search engine, clickbaity standpoint, I totally understand why this entry is so popular, especially around Halloween. I, however, sort of hate it. I was 22 years old, couldn't write for shit, and basically blew it. I should really update this list. Not gonna hurt my feelings if you don't go back and check it out.

5. Top 30 TV Shows Of The 90's

Published - 07/14/10
Unique Hits - 40,000+

I spent an entire month in 2010 counting back my favorite Films, TV Shows and Albums of the 1990's, and I feel like I really put the work in. Lots of research, lots of re-watching and re-listening to stuff. Basically just an excuse to wallow in my favorite decade for the purposes of entertainment. But one entry in particular (Top TV Shows) seems to continue to generate traffic over the years. Hey, if you like that, I did a dozen more 90's lists that month! Click around, homies!

4. Ken-By Request Only - The Complete Story

Published - 09/25/07
Unique Hits - 50,000+

For a while in the mid-2000's, Ken was a myth. A legend. An polyester enigma shrouded in mystery. With the help of Snopes and a crazy person willing to call a stranger on the telephone, I was one of the first people to shed more light on the mystery surrounding one of the 'worst' album covers of all-time. For that reason, this entry continues to draw people in. A new Ken fan is made every day, and I'd like to think I have a little something to do with that.

3. 10 Hard-Hitting Questions

Published - 08/18/08
Unique Hits - 60,000+

Inspired by Chuck Klosterman's set of 'HyperTheticals,' I attempted to create bizarre scenario questions and see how the Internet decided to answer them. It eventually took off, although I couldn't really tell you why. I thought they were funny though, so it's all good.

2. Twenty-Six Things That Suck About Turning 26

Published - 02/01/08
Unique Hits - 100,000+

Who knew that 'Turning 26' was searched by so many people? Chances are, if you turned (or are turning) 26 and wanted to see what people had to say about it, you found my essay right off the bat. To this day, I receive new comments and e-mails on a monthly basis as 20-somethings lament about this most mediocre of birthdays. Hang in there! It gets better! Or something! And yes, that is a childhood photo of me with a broken nose and two black eyes.

...Okay.

We've reached the top of our list. Number 1. The single most popular entry in CDP history.

Out of anything I've ever written, this is the only one I can legit say went 'viral.' It has already amassed well over a million unique hits and averages an additional 25,000 new hits per month. It has been viewed by more people than anything I have ever written in my entire life combined. It generates the most e-mail, has been featured on more news sites than I can keep up with, and has spawned an Internet community bigger than anything I could have ever imagined.

I've been waiting over five years to talk about this, and we'll get into all of it, every granular detail, next time.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

The CDP 2016-2017 Fall TV Preview.

2016-09-05T00:01:00.001-05:00

It's about that time, homies.

For the 11TH GODDAMN YEAR, the CDP is back with the rundown on nearly 60 new, returning, mid-season and recently-canceled TV shows. These are the shows I will be watching (or at least giving a chance to) throughout the season. All times Central, and the premiere and time slot information is as accurate as I could get. I also stuck mostly with national networks and basic cable, because the CDP is welcoming of those in all tax brackets and considers piracy a crime literally worse than murder (or at least worse than watching shows on your tiny dumb phone).

However, for the first time in Fall TV Preview history, I will be covering notable Netflix series as well. Black Mirror? Stranger Things? MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000??? How could I not? I'll talk about all of those (and a lot more) in a bit.

Each year, I try to cut back on my TV watching habits a bit more, and while it looks like I've been abysmal in this crusade, I really (really!) haven't picked up many new series this season. This has been made easier by the fact that most new programs (network ones, at least) look like garbage juice in the noonday sun. So yeah, the preview feels slightly lean, with more of an emphasis on already-established programs, but you work with what you have, right? It's my list.

My my me mine.

And hey, if this preview isn't enough for you, feel free to take a trip in the Wayback Machine to see my 10 other Fall TV Previews:

2005-2006 Preview. (Lost! Malcolm in the Middle! Arrested Development!)
2006-2007 Preview. (King of the Hill! House MD! The Office!)
2007-2008 Preview. (Friday Night Lights! 30 Rock! Heroes!)
2008-2009 Preview. (24! My Name is Earl! Dollhouse!)
2009-2010 Preview. (Parks and Recreation! Modern Family! The Middle!)
2010-2011 Preview. (Community! Bob's Burgers! Louie!)
2011-2012 Preview. (Breaking Bad! The Walking Dead! Adventure Time!)
2013-2014 Preview. (The Goldbergs! Agents of SHIELD! Brooklyn Nine-Nine!)
2014-2015 Preview. (Gotham! Once Upon a Time! The Flash!)
2015-2016 Preview. (Better Call Saul! The Muppets! Fear The Walking Dead!)

…Yeah, I’ve reviewed a lot of television over the years. It looks great on a resume. No sense in stopping now; let’s do this.

SUNDAY
6:00-7:00 – America’s Funniest Videos (ABC – 10/2)
6:30-7:00 – Bob’s Burgers (FOX – 9/25)
7:00-7:30 – The Simpsons (FOX – 9/25)
7:00-8:00 – Once Upon A Time (ABC – 9/25)
7:30-8:00 – Making History (FOX – Midseason)
7:30-10:30 – Sunday Night Football (NBC)
8:00-9:00 – Fear The Walking Dead (AMC – 8/21)
8:00-9:00 – The Walking Dead (AMC – 10/23)
8:30-9:00 – The Last Man On Earth (FOX – 9/25)
9:00-10:00 – Talking Dead (AMC)
9:00-10:00 – Better Call Saul (AMC – Early 2017)

THE SKINNY! - FOX once again stacks the deck for Comedy on Sunday nights, with Bob's Burgers, The Simpsons and The Last Man On Earth all returning. New arrival Making History looks to be a Time Travel-based comedy from the creators of The Last Man On Earth, which is more than enough to earn a spot in my DVR queue. Meanwhile, NBC's got you covered for football, and AMC takes care of the rest.

BUT I CAN ONLY WATCH ONE SHOW! - The Simpsons is the greatest show in TV history, but Bob's Burgers is the best animated series currently on TV. However, you're probably better suited to go with whatever drama happens to be on AMC. Fear is attempting to overcome some character issues in Season 2, while Better Call Saul begins Season 3 with tremendous momentum. That all being said, you watch The Walking Dead. I'm convinced the show has done nothing but improve, and we're poised for a cliffhanger resolution the likes of which haven't been seen since we pulled Desmond out of the Hatch on Lost.

My money is on Maggie or Glenn.

MONDAY
7:00-8:00 – Supergirl (CW – 10/10 – Moved From CBS)
7:00-8:00 – Gotham (FOX – 9/19)
7:00-10:00 – Monday Night Raw (USA)
7:30-10:30 – Monday Night Football (ESPN)
9:00-10:00 – Fargo (FX – Early 2017)

THE SKINNY! - Supergirl moves to (better fit) The CW, allowing for unlimited crossover potential with The Flash and Arrow, as if we haven't seen enough already. Also in the DC-verse, Gotham continues to improve on FOX, and Season 3 of Fargo (with Ewan McGregor!) arrives some time next year on FX. Elsewhere, Monday Night Raw has a new (good) look and new (great) talent on USA, while Monday Night Football caps the evening on ESPN.

BUT I CAN ONLY WATCH ONE SHOW! - What's your nerd pleasure? Wrestling? Superheroes? Football? Noir? Pick one; they're all dope in their own way. Who am I to tell you how to live your life? Stop listening to me. Close your browser. Call your mom.*

(*Don't do any of these things.)

TUESDAY
7:00-7:30 – The Middle (ABC – 10/11)
7:00-7:30 – Brooklyn Nine-Nine (FOX – 9/20)
7:00-8:00 – The Flash (CW – 10/4)
7:00-9:00 – Tuesday Night SmackDown (USA)
8:00-9:00 – Scream Queens (FOX – 9/20)
9:00-10:00 – Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. (ABC – 9/20)

THE SKINNY! - Family Comedy. Grown-Up Comedy. DC. Marvel. WWE. Campy Horror. Tuesday is eclectic, fun and not-too-serious. Save that shit for Sunday.

BUT I CAN ONLY WATCH ONE SHOW! - Brooklyn Nine-Nine is super funny and sharply written, but The Flash is on another level going into Season 3. It's been punching above its weight class since the premiere, and done nothing but improve.

WEDNESDAY
7:00-7:30 – The Goldbergs (ABC – 9/21)
8:00-8:30 – Modern Family (ABC – 9/21)
9:00-10:00 – The Ultimate Fighter (FS1 – 8/31)

THE SKINNY! - The UFC continues to look for their next big MMA star on The Ultimate Fighter, while one of the most popular (and critically acclaimed) comedies in Modern Family holds fast at 8am.

BUT I CAN ONLY WATCH ONE SHOW! - You watch The Goldbergs.

If you are anywhere near my age and aren't watching The Goldbergs, I don't know what to tell you. They quite simply get it right every single week. They've already devoted entire episodes to countless aspects of 80's Pop Culture, such as...

Weird Al, Double Dare, The Beastie Boys, Hands Across America, Scrambled Porn, Say Anything, Life Alert Bracelets, Gimbels Department Store, Indiana Jones, Ghostbusters, Slap Shot, Star Wars, The Goonies, the Presidential Physical Fitness Test, Laser Tag, Punch-Out, WWF, Mixtapes, Trivial Pursuit, Back to the Future, Mall Modeling Scams, New Kids on the Block, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Cabbage Patch Kids, a $900 Compact Disc Player, The Noid, Just Say No, America's Funniest Home Videos, American Gladiators, The Princess Bride, Dance Party USA, Milli Vanilli, Jazzercise, Strawberry Shortcake, Short Circuit, We Are The World, Troop Beverly Hills, New Coke, Lionel Richie's 'Hello' Video, Dirty Dancing, Columbia House, David Copperfield, Rush, Space Camp and Dungeons and Dragons.

These aren't just passing, winking references, either. Everything I mentioned was either the subject of an entire episode or a major character arc. It also boasts the greatest soundtrack since The Adventures of Pete and Pete (or The Wonder Years), and the whole thing is narrated by Patton Oswalt. Oh, and since the show is based loosely on the real-life family and experiences of Adam Goldberg, we often get home movie footage at the end of the episode, sometimes replicated shot-for-shot earlier in the episode. It's absolutely fantastic.

You watch The Goldbergs.

THURSDAY
7:00-7:30 – Superstore (NBC – 9/22)
7:30-10:30 – Thursday Night Football (CBS/NBC)

THE SKINNY! - Thursday's already skinny enough for my tastes. You have underdog Superstore returning for a (somewhat unlikely) Season 2, and you have football.

BUT I CAN ONLY WATCH ONE SHOW! - If you have ever worked a day in your life within a retail setting, Superstore is pitch-perfect. Furthermore, it's essentially the only decent comedy NBC has after cleaning house last year.

FRIDAY
8:00-9:00 – The Exorcist (FOX – 9/23)

THE SKINNY! - I'm literally only DVR'ing one show on Friday night, and it's the FOX Exorcist remake. Pickings; they are slim.

BUT I CAN ONLY WATCH ONE SHOW! - ...eh. I mean, who knows if The Exorcist is going to be good. Record it and check it out later. Go out for sushi or something.

SATURDAY
10:30-12:00 – Saturday Night Live (NBC – Late 2016)
10:30-2:00 – Toonami (SWIM)

(The current Toonami lineup consists of Dragon Ball Z Kai, One Punch Man, Mobile Suit Gundam: Iron-Blooded Orphans, Hunter x Hunter, Naruto: Shippuden, One Piece and Parasyte)

THE SKINNY! - Slumber Party Saturday! Buy some snacks, build a fort and invite your friends over for a late night of Comedy and Anime, courtesy of SNL and Toonami. Or, you can do what I do, and drink whiskey alone with the cats until the sun comes up. What's important is that you build a fort.

BUT I CAN ONLY WATCH ONE SHOW! - SNL is still culturally important from a water cooler standpoint, but you watch One Punch Man because that shit is awesome.

NETFLIX
15. Iron Fist (Premieres 2017)
14. Bloodline (Renewed)
13. Orange Is The New Black (Renewed)
12. Making A Murderer (Renewed)
11. Jessica Jones (Renewed)
10. House Of Cards (Renewed)
9. Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (Renewed)
8. Luke Cage (Premieres 9/30)
7. Daredevil (Renewed)
6. BoJack Horseman (Renewed)
5. Degrassi: Next Class (Renewed)
4. Fuller House (Renewed)

THE SKINNY! - All projections state that Fuller House is one of the most popular things Netflix has ever done, so it comes as no surprise that we're getting a Season 2. And hey, if you're looking for an excellent Season 1 recap, I've got you covered.

Episode 1 Review.
Episode 2/3 Review.
Episode 4/5 Review.
Episode 6/7 Review.
Episode 8/9 Review.
Episode 10/11 Review.
Episode 12/13 Review.

3. Stranger Things (Renewed)

THE SKINNY! - It is so difficult to do what Stranger Things did. Come out of nowhere and surprise everyone in this day and age. To take such memorable tropes and come up with something new and exciting. To take a children's adventure, teenage emotional journey and an adult's redemption, and mash it all up with equal amounts respect and supernatural goodness. Throw in a killer soundtrack, and you have one of the great sleeper hits in the last 15 years. All eyes will be on the Duffer Brothers as they try to replicate the magic in Season 2.

2. Black Mirror (Season 3 Premieres 10/21)

THE SKINNY! - I'm unabashedly flipping my shit in anticipation for Black Mirror's return. We've only gotten 7 episodes in the last 5 years (insanity), and are now set to get 6 all at once on 10/21. The remaining 6 episodes that close out Season 3 will show up some time next year. That's an embarrassment of riches for a show that is parallel to nothing but The Twilight Zone, which is seriously the highest compliment I can pay to a TV show. You have time; go watch the first 7 episodes and lose your freaking mind.

1. Mystery Science Theater 3000 (Premieres Late 2016)

THE SKINNY! -I seriously cannot believe that this is happening.

When MST3K aired their final episode in 1996, there was a sliver of hope that it would return. And it did, on the (then) SciFi Channel. But when they aired their second final episode in 1999, most people understood that it was over for good.

Then 16 years pass, production rights exchange hands, over SIX MILLION DOLLARS is raised on Kickstarter, an absurdly talented cast is hired and Netflix jumps on board. Suddenly, we're only a few months away from an 11th Season of MST3K, and I have no idea what to expect. Most people know that MST3K is extremely near and dear to my heart, and I'm staying as optimistic and grateful as possible for as long as I can. I just feel really, really fortunate that we're getting another season, and that first night we get new episodes on Netflix, I'll try not cry like a little weiner.

IN MEMORIAM
10. America’s Next Top Model (Moved To VH1)
9. The Good Wife
8. Nashville (Moved To CMT)
7. Castle
6. CSI
5. Agent Carter
4. American Idol
3. The Muppets
2. Mythbusters
1. The Grinder

THE SKINNY! - Everyone happy? You got The Muppets canceled. Ya' bastards.

I knew The Grinder wouldn't last; it had 'one and done' written all over it. Too specific. Not enough people watched it. Too meta. But man, it was a sitcom for people who obsess way too much over sitcoms. So yeah, I loved it. Just like BrainDead over on CBS, The Grinder feels like one of those shows that people will discover a few years from now and lament about not watching when it was new.

THE CDP'S WEEKLY DVR SCHEDULE

Are you like me? Do you want to watch the same exact programs that I do, in the perfect order, every week? Well then, this is for you. What follows is my personal weekly Live and DVR TV schedule, featuring all Prime Time shows included* in my Preview, 4 hours a night (5 on Saturday), 7 nights a week. I am not responsible for any divorces or losses of friends as a result of following this schedule:

(*Midseason/Nightly/Late Night shows and sports not included. Get in where you fit in, yo.)

SUNDAY
6:00-7:00 – America’s Funniest Videos
7:00-7:25 – Bob’s Burgers
7:25-7:50 – The Simpsons
7:50-8:40 – Once Upon A Time
8:40-9:30 – Fear The Walking Dead/The Walking Dead
9:30-10:00 – Talking Dead

MONDAY
6:30-7:00 – The Last Man On Earth
7:00-8:00 – Gotham
8:00-8:50 – Supergirl
8:50-10:30 – Monday Night Raw

TUESDAY
6:00-7:00 – NETFLIX
(Degrassi: Next Class and Fuller House)
7:00-7:30 – The Middle
7:30-8:20 – The Flash
8:20-8:45 – Brooklyn Nine-Nine
8:45-10:00 – Tuesday Night SmackDown

WEDNESDAY
6:00-6:50 – Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D.
6:50-7:40 – Scream Queens
7:40-8:05 – The Goldbergs
8:05-8:30 – Modern Family
8:30-9:00 – NETFLIX
(BoJack Horseman)
9:00-10:00 – The Ultimate Fighter

THURSDAY
7:00-7:30 – Superstore
7:30-11:00 – NETFLIX
(Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Orange Is The New Black, House Of Cards and Iron Fist)

FRIDAY
6:00-9:00 – NETFLIX
(Jessica Jones, Daredevil and Luke Cage)
9:00-10:00 – The Exorcist (FOX – 9/23)

SATURDAY
7:00-12:00 – NETFLIX
(Black Mirror, Stranger Things, Bloodline and Mystery Science Theater 3000)

Note that I didn't include Making A Murderer, because...well, I didn't want to include it at all, because any discussion on whether or not this show is 'good' felt sorta crass to me. It's a stylized documentary; watch it if you want to watch it.

Pow. Over 35 shows and nearly 30 hours of TV perfectly curated throughout the week. It's...gorgeous.

THIS CONCLUDES OUR BROADCASTING DAY

Well, there you have it. The scoop on my personal Fall TV schedule, for the 11th year running. Set your DVR’s, sound off in the comments section and enjoy your week. Don’t forget to tell me the shows you plan on watching on My Twitter and over on My Facebook. And hey, go buy one of my books while you're at it. Thanks much; have a good one.

The CDP 2016 Year In Review (So Far).

2016-07-04T00:01:00.000-05:00

(I drove past a hearse the other day with my name literally on it.)

Happy 4th of July, homies. Here's a quick recap of everything you might have missed (or may want to revisit) on the CDP so far this year. I plan on taking a large chunk of July off (for I am a large chunk), but I still have plenty of essays and projects I plan on getting 'oot by the end of the year.

For optimal results, I recommend reading these essays while holding a sparkler or bottle of Spotted Cow in your non-mouse hand. Enjoy.

Tell Pluto It's Not A Planet.
(1/11/16)

Please Don't Let Me Forget How To Read And Write.
(2/1/16)

My Anxiety Year.
(2/8/16)

I Got A Dog!
(2/15/16)

No Sales Tax On Clothing.
(2/22/16)

I'm The Best In The World At What I Do.
(2/29/16)

I Lost Over $500 By Joining Draft Kings!
(3/7/16)

Fuller House Friday.
(3/4-4/18/16)

Episode 1 Review.
Episode 2/3 Review.
Episode 4/5 Review.
Episode 6/7 Review.
Episode 8/9 Review.
Episode 10/11 Review.
Episode 12/13 Review.

The CDP Worldwide Mix-Tape Trade 10.
(4/4/16 – 4/18/16)

TV Month 2016.
(4/25-5/31/16)

Channel 0 - The Series Primer
Channel 1 - The Series Premiere
Channel 2 - The Big Ugly Dish
Channel 3 - The Premium
Channel 4 - The UHF Dial
Channel 5 - The Programming Block
Channel 6 - The Skeptic
Channel 7 - The Obscurity
Channel 8 - The Commercials
Channel 9 - The Doomsday
Channel 10 - The Unsolved
Channel 11 - The 100 Greatest (100-76)
Channel 12 - The 100 Greatest (75-51)
Channel 13 - The 100 Greatest (50-31)
Channel 14 - The 100 Greatest (30-11)
Channel 15 - The 100 Greatest (10-1)
Channel 16 - The Nuclear Nielsen Family (Part 1)
Channel 17 - The Nuclear Nielsen Family (Part 2)
Channel 18 - The Nuclear Nielsen Family (Part 3)
Channel 19 - The Nuclear Nielsen Family (Part 4)
Channel 20 - The Nuclear Nielsen Family (Part 5)
Channel 21 - The Series Finale
Channel 22 - The Sign Off

16 Years.
(6/20/16)

Sound off in the comments and enjoy your day.

CDP Wayback Machine - Totes Grodes Edition.

2016-06-27T00:01:00.002-05:00

'Give Me Some Skin.'
(Originally published 6/26/06 - A decade ago!)

To me, the start of Summer only means one thing: 90 straight days of mind-blowing sunburns.

As an embarrassingly pale man, getting a sunburn is about as easy as beating Shaq in a game of 'Horse.' I needn't be outside for more than a picosecond to instantly transform my baby-smooth exterior into a mass of pink, stingy nerve endings. From June 3, right up until September 10, I'm rendered freakish and unpleasant in the eyes of friends and neighbors; invitations to parties cease and desist. Nobody wants to see Old Creepy McBurnyface singing karaoke; it tends to bring down a room.

The term 'tan' is not in my vocabulary. This word means nothing to me; sort of like 'zork' and 'scalene.' Unless I liberally lubricate my pores with SPF-Nuclear Holocaust lotion, I'm screwed.

A few years ago, the Missus and I went to an outdoor concert. I asked her to put lotion on my face, making sure she knew how susceptible I was to UV rays. She did not take this warning seriously, and lazily streaked a few drops across my melon. When the show was over, it looked as if I wanted to highlight certain parts of my forehead that were more important than the others. I ended up with scars.

And now, an awful story from my childhood.

In the late 80's to early 90's, I helped out on my family's dairy farm during the summer. One weekend in particular left me with the Queen Mother of all sunburns on my legs. I had been wearing shorts, and the result left me looking like I was wearing a permanent pair of red socks. from the knees to the ankles, I was charred beyond recognition.

I took care of my crimson legs for days on end, gently soaking and aloe-izing them before I went to bed each night. Even at such a young age, I was an expert at the art of third-degree burn treatment. I had experienced many a sunburn by that point in my life, but I knew that this one was different- even special, somehow. I didn't realize why I felt that way until the big day finally came.

I woke up on a humid Sunday morning and swung my wok-fried stumps over the edge of the bed. That's when I noticed the beginnings of a peel on each of my calves. Wide-eyed, with a skilled and steady hand, I proceeded to peel off my skin like an honest-to-goodness sock, producing two snake-like sheddings, each about a foot long. It took me about a half-hour, and they were absolutely beautiful. I held these giant hunks of flesh up for inspection, and everything suddenly became well worth the wait.

I couldn't let these go to waste. I had to do something with them. But what?

My attention focused to the small, black-and-white television I had in my room. The reception from this TV was horrible, and no matter which way I manipulated the rabbit ears, I got nothing but static and white noise. However, I did notice that the picture came in much better as long as I kept my hands on the antennas.

Scientifically speaking, I now know that the reason for this is because we humans give off a certain amount of electricity, which acts as kind of a booster for the TV antenna. As a child, all I knew was that I couldn't hold onto the antenna and watch the tube at the same time. Perhaps I could fake the TV out somehow, by making it think I was holding onto the rabbit ears.

I think you know where I'm going with this.

Imagine the look on my Mom's face when she walked into my room, only to see me watching a television with two giant balls of human skin affixed to the antennas.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your week.

16 Years.

2016-06-20T00:01:00.000-05:00

(2001)

I'm going to say something controversial, and I don't care if you agree with me.

(2002)

16 years is a long time to be with someone.

(2014)

There.

I said it, and I'd say it again if I had to.

(2016)

As of this week, I've been married to the Missus for 12 years, and we've been a couple for nearly 16. I try to find something poignant to say every year or two on here about it; here's a collection if you feel like taking a trip back in time:

June 24, 2004 - A recap of our wedding.
June 14, 2005 - Our 1st Anniversary.
June 19, 2006 - Our 2nd Anniversary.
June 21, 2007 - Our 3rd Anniversary.
June 19, 2008 - Our 4th Anniversary.
July 11, 2011 - Our 7th Anniversary.
June 19, 2013 - Our 9th Anniversary.
February 10, 2014 - Our (upcoming) 10th Anniversary.

We're not getting older. We're getting better.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your week.

TV Month 2016 - The Sign Off.

2016-05-31T00:01:00.000-05:00

TV Month 2016 is over. So, what have we learned?

I learned that while I appreciate this current Golden Era of Television that we inhabit, I'd still love TV regardless, simply because it exists. For the most part, the content is secondary to the experience, which sounds weird and might have even gotten weirder as I tried to explain it over the past month.

I loved that it was there when I couldn't sleep. I loved finding things in the vast reaches of space that I had never seen before. I loved that there was a channel that only satellite pirates could see. I love the local programming that I thought was being produced in my basement. I loved sitting back for an entire block of shows catered just to me as a child.

I even loved the Infomercials, psychics and hucksters that sold snake oil at 3am. I loved scrambled premium channels and trivia ads. I love the underrated pop culture worth of commercials. I love that a crazy person hacked into WGN, and an even crazier person created a video to be shown only when the end of the world was confirmed. I loved (and still love) anything that scares the living shit out of me.

With the rise of on-demand, streaming, computer/tablet viewing and flat-out piracy, people are getting rid of not just cable and satellite TV, but the physical invention of TV in general. It stands to reason that, in 20-30 years, the 'TV show' might still be as popular as ever, but the TV itself will be the product of a bygone era. The Television may die, while 'TV' continues to live. Weird, right?

I know for sure that TV will never exist again in the way that I grew up with it, and that's fine. Even in 2016, the C-Band satellite is an obscure piece of technology only mentioned with the same sort of cult-like interest that one might have for a Ham Radio. Soon, that nostalgia will be replaced with the mini-dish, then Blu-Ray, then even streaming TV in favor of...whatever else is next in line, I guess.

No matter what, I'll be watching.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day; links to all of TV Month 2016 are below:

Channel 0 - The Series Primer
Channel 1 - The Series Premiere
Channel 2 - The Big Ugly Dish
Channel 3 - The Premium
Channel 4 - The UHF Dial
Channel 5 - The Programming Block
Channel 6 - The Skeptic
Channel 7 - The Obscurity
Channel 8 - The Commercials
Channel 9 - The Doomsday
Channel 10 - The Unsolved
Channel 11 - The 100 Greatest (100-76)
Channel 12 - The 100 Greatest (75-51)
Channel 13 - The 100 Greatest (50-31)
Channel 14 - The 100 Greatest (30-11)
Channel 15 - The 100 Greatest (10-1)
Channel 16 - The Nuclear Nielsen Family (Part 1)
Channel 17 - The Nuclear Nielsen Family (Part 2)
Channel 18 - The Nuclear Nielsen Family (Part 3)
Channel 19 - The Nuclear Nielsen Family (Part 4)
Channel 20 - The Nuclear Nielsen Family (Part 5)
Channel 21 - The Series Finale
Channel 22 - The Sign Off

(The CDP will return on Monday, June 20.)

TV Month 2016 - The Series Finale.

2016-05-30T00:01:00.000-05:00

By and large, a TV show goes off the air for a few specific reasons.

The biggest culprit is low ratings and/or not enough network support to allow the show to tough out said ratings. This is what happens to 90% of American programs, accordingly to a statistic I just pulled out of my ass. No timeslot change, no ad campaign, no wacky neighbor or surprise death can save you from your fate. You're going away and you're never coming back.

Arrested Development, one of the greatest Sitcoms of all-time, suffered a particularly embarrassing fate. After being pulled from the air for nearly six weeks, FOX burned off the final four episodes of Season 3 opposite the Olympic Winter Games Opening Ceremony. An absurd, paltry-at-best way for a show of that caliber to flatline.

However, Arrested at least had the opportunity to (somewhat) wrap things up before they hit the road. They didn't go out on their own terms (more on those shows in a little bit), but they saw the writing on the wall and came up with something that would satisfy most storylines in the event they were canceled, which they were. Some shows are blindsinded, canceled at the end (or worse, the middle) of a season where a cliffhanger looms, leaving fans to forever ponder what was going to happen.

The HBO series Carnivale, for example, was unceremoniously yanked after just two of an intended six-seasons, resulting in several abandoned storylines and outraged fans. Unlike Arrested, all the petitioning and letter-writing in the world could not revive it.

In 1987, a low-rated sitcom called I Married Dora was canceled halfway into their first season. Instead of quietly bowing out or burning off the material they had, Dora went out in one of the most peculiar and fourth-wall-breaking moments in TV history. Check it out:

Some shows remain popular (or profitable enough) to overstay their welcome. Off the top of my head, Roseanne, Dexter and House MD were all shows that started huge and ended with more of a wimper than a bang. In fact, you can usually find Roseanne and Dexter on lists of the Worst Series Finales Ever, and I wouldn't dispute it in the least.

Also, it's 2016 and Grey's Anatomy and Supernatural are still on the air. Can you believe that shit? Good for them; go get it and so forth.

Friday Night Lights was a show that, despite low ratings, was able to tell the story they wanted to tell thanks to internal support and a rabid fanbase, myself included. Despite being loved by NBC, something had to give by Season 3. Instead of pitching FNL into the dirt, NBC worked with DirecTV's 101 Network to produce and air three additional seasons, with NBC rebroadcasts during the summer to alleviate costs. Instead of being a two-season wonder, FNL was given five years and 76 episodes to make history. This is an extremely, extremely rare example of a network moving heaven and Earth in order to allow someone to tell a story.

When AMC took a chance on Breaking Bad, it wasn't really all that big of a chance. It was a 7-episode first season on a network not yet renowned for their original programming. However, their patience to let Vince Gilligan breathe and tell the story he wanted to tell allowed for what became perhaps the greatest Drama in TV History.

That brings me to the next reason why a TV show goes off the air: Because they're done. This is obviously the best-case scenario for the show and fans, and when done correctly, turns out to be something very special. In recent years alone, Breaking Bad, Parks and Recreation, 30 Rock and The Office all had the chance to stick the landing and succeeded. Even if you agree that The Office should have ended with the departure of Steve Carell, which I wouldn't necessarily dispute.

(This may be the funniest scene in The Office history.)

Another rare example of a show being jerked around in perpetuity is Futurama; a franchise that aired four different episodes designed to act at Series Finales in the event that they didn't come back.

South of Sunset, a 1993 CBS drama starring Glenn Frey of The Eagles, was canceled after a single episode. Frey played a private detective, and I'm not kidding. There was also a 1997 FOX drama called Lawless that was canceled after one episode, starring NFL player Brian Bosworth as a private detective. Not sure what to tell you, there.

In 2008, NBC drama Quarterlife was pulled after a single episode that I watched and enjoyed. However, the ratings were historically abysmal; NBC claims the viewership was even lower than the XFL. Oof.

In 2010, the NBC sci-fi drama Day One was all set to fill the Heroes timeslot following the Olympics.They had high hopes and clearly put a lot of money into the pilot (see below). However, the network had an abrupt change of heart, and the show was pulled before even airing an episode. If you think you watched Day One in 2010, you didn't, or you've been poofed over from an alternate universe where it was a huge hit. Bring me back a Berenstein Bears book next time.

Before we wrap it up, I wanted to talk about something I haven't mentioned in over six years: The Series Finale of Lost.

Lost was part of many quirks of TV History. Just from a story standpoint, they utilized the Internet and Easter Eggs in a way that most shows hadn't attempted on such a grand scale. But they also got caught in a Writer's Strike that shortened one of their seasons, changing the way they had to tell their Season 4 story. They had to deal with major characters leaving the show, minor characters becoming fan favorites, and child actors hitting puberty at the absolute worst time.

(Remember when Walt sang the song of the Summer? So dope.)

In Season 3, the fans got restless due to a lack of answers and an abundance of unlikable characters and stand-alone stories. On the surface, it looked like Lost was losing steam and didn't know where to go. In reality, ABC wasn't clear about how long they expected Lost to stay on the air (it was immensely profitable), forcing the writers to tread water while they figured out how long they had to tell their tale.

At some point between Seasons 3 and 4, it was announced that Lost would end at the conclusion of their 6th Season, for better or for worse. ABC decided to compromise and determine a set end date for Lost, and from that point until the Finale, the writers knew exactly how to plan their arcs and hit the road running. It was a total win/win.

And I liked the Finale. I liked it a lot.

I never felt cheated. I never thought it was a cop-out. I never thought it was an ass-pull. I never thought it was a dishonest tactic used to avoid wrapping up illogical storylines. I didn't have a problem with any of it. I really didn't. It was a bit vague, it was a bit supernatural, and it was a bit more Faith-based than Science-based. But you know what? The entire series was that way.

Damon Lindelof got more shit for that finale than any showrunner I've ever heard of in my life, and considering some of the creative decisions we had to tolerate from certain shows since then, I feel more now than ever that it was woefully undeserved. Lost was a great show that changed the game in this current Golden Era of Television. Also, the only way this Golden Era ends is if the fans start to think that their opinion should matter.

And let me be clear; your opinion should not matter. Not enough to alter the material, at least. The all-consuming, nerd-ball gobble-monsters of Media are a real insufferable bunch at times. Here's a group of people who want the following:

1. A perfectly thought-out story with no plotholes or deviation in source material.
2. Their opinion to be taken seriously, and the material to evolve as a result.

You can never have it both ways. You're going to be upset one way or another. If you take umbrage to the entertainment that's out there, go make your own, stand on the front lines and defend it from the jerks. It's really quite simple. Live together or die alone.

TV Month 2016 has been fun, but it all comes to an end tomorrow. Links to the entire series are below. Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

Channel 0 - The Series Primer
Channel 1 - The Series Premiere
Channel 2 - The Big Ugly Dish
Channel 3 - The Premium
Channel 4 - The UHF Dial
Channel 5 - The Programming Block
Channel 6 - The Skeptic
Channel 7 - The Obscurity
Channel 8 - The Commercials
Channel 9 - The Doomsday
Channel 10 - The Unsolved
Channel 11 - The 100 Greatest (100-76)
Channel 12 - The 100 Greatest (75-51)
Channel 13 - The 100 Greatest (50-31)
Channel 14 - The 100 Greatest (30-11)
Channel 15 - The 100 Greatest (10-1)
Channel 16 - The Nuclear Nielsen Family (Part 1)
Channel 17 - The Nuclear Nielsen Family (Part 2)
Channel 18 - The Nuclear Nielsen Family (Part 3)
Channel 19 - The Nuclear Nielsen Family (Part 4)
Channel 20 - The Nuclear Nielsen Family (Part 5)

TOMORROW: THE SIGN OFF.

TV Month 2016 - The Nuclear Nielsen Family (Part 5).

2016-05-27T00:01:00.000-05:00

TV Month 2016 - The Nuclear Nielsen Family (Part 4).

2016-05-26T00:01:00.000-05:00

In March of 2013, I kept a log of every television show I watched for an entire week. Every single program, good or bad, no exceptions. As a result, I also inadvertently kept a log of nearly everything else I did during that time. Here are the links:

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5

I had a lot of fun doing this, so I wanted to bring it back for TV Month 2016. Here then, Part 4 of the TV viewing habits of yours truly, for better or for worse. Let's go.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 11

4:30-5:00pm - Pardon the Interruption
5:00-5:30pm - NBC 15 News
5:30-6:00pm - NBC Nightly News
6:00-6:30pm - NBC 15 News
6:30-7:00pm - Wheel of Fortune
7:00-7:30pm - NXT
7:30-8:00pm - Lucha Underground (Partial DVR)
8:00-8:25pm - The Middle (DVR)
8:25-8:50pm - The Goldbergs (DVR)
8:50-10:00pm - Heat vs. Raptors (Partial DVR)
10:00-12:15am - TrailBlazers vs. Warriors

THURSDAY, MAY 12

4:30-5:00pm - Pardon the Interruption
5:00-5:45pm - The Ultimate Fighter (DVR)
5:45-6:10pm - Modern Family (DVR)
6:10-6:30pm - NBC 15 News (Partial)
6:30-7:00pm - Wheel of Fortune
7:00-9:00pm - Thursday Night SmackDown
9:00-10:30pm - Spurs vs. Thunder (Partial DVR)

My viewing habits this week have been more akin to a geriatric than a 34-year old creative type. But shit, it's mid-May! Most season finales have already finale'd, my DVR is empty and I've got nothing to watch on Netflix. These things happen.

I think my favorite news coming from the 2016-2017 upfronts was that not only were we getting another season of ABC's The Goldbergs, but that it would now lead off the Wednesday Night block at 8/7c. The Middle will be moving to Tuesdays as a lead-in to Fresh Off the Boat, Agents of SHIELD and debuting sitcom American Housewife, while The Goldbergs will kick off a night that includes Modern Family, Black-ish and newcomer Speechless. More on all of that during my Fall TV Preview in late August/early September.

If you are anywhere near my age and aren't watching The Goldbergs, I don't know what to tell you. They quite simply get it right every single week. They've already devoted entire episodes to countless aspects of 80's Pop Culture, such as...

Weird Al, Double Dare, the Beastie Boys, Hands Across America, Scrambled Porn, Say Anything, Life Alert Bracelets, Gimbels Department Store, Indiana Jones, Ghostbusters, Slap Shot, Star Wars, The Goonies, the Presidential Physical Fitness Test, Laser Tag, Punch-Out, WWF, Mixtapes, Trivial Pursuit, Back to the Future, Mall Modeling Scams, New Kids on the Block, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Cabbage Patch Kids, a $900 Compact Disc Player, The Noid, Just Say No, America's Funniest Home Videos, American Gladiators, The Princess Bride, Dance Party USA, Milli Vanilli, Jazzercise, Strawberry Shortcake, Short Circuit, We Are The World, Troop Beverly Hills, New Coke, Lionel Richie's 'Hello' Video, Dirty Dancing, Columbia House, David Copperfield, Rush, Space Camp and Dungeons and Dragons.

These aren't just passing, winking references, either. Everything I mentioned was either the subject of an entire episode or a major character arc. It also boasts the greatest soundtrack since The Adventures of Pete and Pete (or The Wonder Years), and the whole thing is narrated by Patton Oswalt. Oh, and since the show is based loosely on the real-life family and experiences of Adam Goldberg, we often get home movie footage at the end of the episode, sometimes replicated shot-for-shot earlier in the episode. It's absolutely fantastic.

We wrap it up tomorrow, and TV Month 2016 begins to draw to a close.

TOMORROW: THE NUCLEAR NIELSEN FAMILY (PART 5).

TV Month 2016 - The Nuclear Nielsen Family (Part 3).

2016-05-25T00:01:00.000-05:00

TV Month 2016 - The Nuclear Nielsen Family (Part 2).

2016-05-24T00:01:00.000-05:00

In March of 2013, I kept a log of every television show I watched for an entire week. Every single program, good or bad, no exceptions. As a result, I also inadvertently kept a log of nearly everything else I did during that time. Here are the links:

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5

I had a lot of fun doing this, so I wanted to bring it back for TV Month 2016. Here then, Part 2 of a week in the TV viewing habits of yours truly, for better or for worse. Let's go.

MONDAY, MAY 9

4:30-5:00pm - Pardon the Interruption
5:00-5:30pm - NBC 15 News
5:30-6:00pm - The Simpsons ('Lisa Gets a Pony')
6:00-6:50pm - Fear The Walking Dead (DVR)
6:50-7:05pm - Talking Dead (DVR - Partially-Watched)
7:05-7:55pm - Fear The Walking Dead (DVR)
7:55-8:10pm - Talking Dead (DVR - Partially-Watched)
8:10-10:10pm - Monday Night Raw (Partial DVR)
10:10-12:15am - Warriors vs. TrailBlazers (Partial DVR)

'Tis slim pickings when it comes to my DVR these days. It's down to pretty much nothing, now that I'm all caught up on Fear the Walking Dead. A season-and-a-half in, and I'm still not sure how I feel about it. There are only three characters I really care about (Nick, Madison and Strand), and that feels pretty unacceptable on their part.

I mean, look at The Walking Dead or Lost. These shows had/have literally dozens of characters that elicit an emotional response from the audience, because the writers/producers did the duty of using backstory and standard development to get us on board with all of them. Even the players we didn't initially like were eventually given redemption stories (or promptly killed off).

On Fear, we have a main cast of just seven people, and they almost flat-out refuse to create backstories for half of them. Ophelia barely speaks. It's ridiculous. Perhaps it will evolve with time, but it's been anything but smooth sailing (lololol) thus far. At least we have Better Call Saul on AMC with Preacher* coming up, which should be something to behold.

(*This was written before the premiere.)

I typically don't stay up until midnight on Monday anymore, but I drifted off with the Warriors/TrailBlazers game on TNT. I've been more captivated with this NBA season than I have since I was a kid, and it sort of takes me back.

On Monday night in 1990, there were not one but two TV adaptations of 80's comedies. NBC had a Ferris Bueller spinoff that lasted 13 episodes and got replaced by Blossom, and CBS had an Uncle Buck spinoff (sound familiar?) that got steamrolled by Full House. MacGyver was also a ratings hit, which will, as per usual, be rebooted by FOX this upcoming season. Jesus H. Christ.

I think my favorite Monday show of this past season was Superstore, an NBC comedy that premiered midseason and slipped mostly under the radar. Fortunately, they were not only renewed for a Season 2, but will premiere immediately following the 2016 Summer Olympics, hopefully to a robust ratings boost.

TOMORROW: THE NUCLEAR NIELSEN FAMILY (PART 3).

TV Month 2016 - The Nuclear Nielsen Family (Part 1).

2016-05-23T00:01:00.000-05:00

In March of 2013, I kept a log of every television show I watched for an entire week. Every single program, good or bad, no exceptions. As a result, I also inadvertently kept a log of nearly everything else I did during that time. Here are the links:

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5

I had a lot of fun doing this, so I wanted to bring it back for TV Month 2016. Here then, a week in the TV viewing habits of yours truly, for better or for worse. Let's go.

SUNDAY, MAY 8

10:00-11:00am - UFC Rotterdam Pre-Show
11:00-1:00pm - UFC Rotterdam Prelims
1:00-2:00pm - SNL: Brie Larson (DVR)
2:00-4:00pm - UFC Rotterdam (Partial DVR)
4:00-4:15pm - UFC Rotterdam Post-Fight (Partially-Watched)
4:15-5:15pm - Cavaliers vs. Hawks (DVR)
5:15-5:40pm - Dragon Ball Z Kai (DVR)
5:40-6:05pm - Dimension W (DVR)
6:05-6:30pm - Hunter x Hunter (DVR)
6:30-7:00pm - One Piece (DVR)
7:00-7:30pm - America's Funniest Videos (DVR)
7:30-7:55pm - The Simpsons (DVR)
7:55-8:20pm - Bob's Burgers (DVR)
8:20-9:45pm - Spurs vs. Thunder (Partial DVR)
9:45-10:10pm - The Last Man on Earth (DVR)

I like sports, okay?

You might not believe me, but with each new TV season, I actively try to cut back on the amount of new TV shows I watch. Fortunately, based on the quality of most new network comedies and dramas, it's become easier to do. Even though I look forward to each new Fall season with bated breath, I typically only pick up 2-3 new shows a year, of which 1-2 of them are canceled after only 1 season.

Furthermore, we're into May, which means Season Finales followed by a whole lotta nothing. However, this is where I shoot myself in the foot. Not watching many new shows should mean that I spend more time away from the television, when actually it just means I have more time to watch sports. And this is how Sunday began, with nearly four hours of MMA action, live from the Netherlands. I also had time later in the day to check out not one, but two NBA playoff games. The Missus was thrilled.

I quickly knocked out SNL from the night before (it was alright), before clearing out Saturday's Toonami block as well. Toonami airs seven shows in a row, but I'm only invested in four of them, which means I can do it in less than two hours. This gave me time to spare for Sunday night comedies on FOX, and a reasonable bedtime.

It's interesting to me how TV viewing habits change. When I was younger, Sunday night was death sentence for most shows; a throwaway night even worse than Friday. Now, it's the marquee evening for just about every major drama out there, and it has been for years.

Looking back at the 1993-1994 national TV schedule for Sunday night (9-10pm), we have made-for-TV movies on three of the four major networks, and Married...With Children on FOX. That's it. I'd also have to assume that, when there wasn't a made-for-TV movie to air, these networks would show reruns, a word that essentially is no longer existent when it comes to Primetime programming.

By the 1999-2000 season, 10 of the top 40 shows on TV aired on Sunday nights, including Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?, which was far and away the most popular show of the entire year. I think though, that the network move to load up their Sunday schedule had more to do with Cable (HBO in particular) than anything. With The Sopranos and most other standout HBO dramas premiering on Sunday, this spelled not only the next Golden Age of Television, but a movement that saw cable beating national TV in quality when it came to scripted programming.

All very interesting...right?

TOMORROW: THE NUCLEAR NIELSEN FAMILY (PART 2).

TV Month 2016 - The 100 Greatest (Part 5).

2016-05-20T00:01:00.000-05:00

Welcome back to TV Month 2016, and the conclusion to our week-long countdown of the 100 Greatest TV Shows of the Last 35 Years. We've reached the Top 10.

10. Arrested Development

Few comedies have ever come close to matching the pacing, depth, acting, characters, writing, spectrum, pop culture knowledge, satire and self-parody displayed in just one episode of Arrested Development. I feel very fortunate that I lived in a moment of TV history where a show like this existed, if only for three* short seasons. It was that good.

The jokes were everywhere. The wordplay and puns were Shakespearean in their execution. Taboos were destroyed. The very network that took a chance and just as quickly left them for dead was mocked mercilessly. Guest stars trusted the material enough to play so far outside of their ranges that their careers could have been ruined had it been anything less than perfect.

And that’s what Arrested Development was. 100% perfect, from start to finish.

(*Season 4 never happened.)

9. 30 Rock

Each of 30 Rock's first three seasons won the Emmy Award for Best Comedy Series. This is what's known as 'Batting a thousand,' and apart from Frasier, I honestly don't know of any other comedy that has ever accomplished something like that.

Drawing influences from every nook and cranny of the TV Comedy (and TV History) universe, 30 Rock was one of the smartest, most brilliant, most hilarious, cynical, satirical and unrelentingly perfect shows you'll ever see on network television. The cast was top-to-bottom airtight, and they even stuck the landing with one of the best series finales ever. Each week, I watched 30 Rock with the same breathless appreciation that I did for Arrested; a silent applause for the genius it takes to write such material on a week-to-week basis.

8. The Wonder Years

I’m big on influences, and to me, there were few programs that had such a positive influence on television (and my writing style) as The Wonder Years. This was the first show that I can remember as a child that had no definable genre. It was set in Vietnam War-era America. It was narrated by an adult version of the main character. It was brilliantly funny. It was heartbreakingly sad. It had moments of true emotion and deep nostalgia. The soundtrack was amazing.

Nowadays, plenty of programs attempt to combine as many genres as possible, but The Wonder Years was one of the first (if not the very first) to do it so perfectly. In a standard sitcom, you knew that the main character’s girlfriend wasn’t going to be killed by the end of the episode. In The Wonder Years, everything was open for interpretation and flux, just like real life.

7. The Walking Dead

The comic was (and still is) a hit, but the concept of a weekly survival horror series, with zombies no less, was never really attempted on TV. If done incorrectly, it would be a laughingstock of a flop, and there are so many ways this could be done incorrectly. Instead, they assembled a Murderer's Row of actors, directors, producers and special effects wizards, and the result is the most popular (and well done) show on TV today.

What's more, I think The Walking Dead is getting better with time. Going into Season 7, I think their best work is still ahead of them, which is insanity. The cast is nuts, seriously; they're so ingrained in their work that this series will be their calling card for the remainder of their careers (see Lost). It's gut-wrenching, gory, suspenseful, unrelenting and heartfelt. In short, they nailed it.

6. Lost

I wrote this blurb years ago, and it's still apt today. I've written enough about this show already:

"Lost is one of the greatest television dramas of all-time, weaving the very best elements of survivalism, action, horror, mystery, sci-fi, fantasy and surrealism, while opening discussions concerning the topics of fate, religion, free will, conspiracy and karma. The cast is nearly flawless, the storyline is genius personified, the storytelling elements are unlike anything ever put on network TV, and the writing team of Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof have created a world so deep and entertaining, we should be paying them a residual every week to even be allowed to think about this masterpiece. I’m done."

Boom.

5. Friday Night Lights

Season One of Friday Night Lights is the greatest season of television I have ever seen. Better than Season One of Lost. Better than Season Four of MST3K. Better than the final season of The Fugitive. I watched it when nobody around me watched it. When everyone was convinced it was a show about nothing more than football. Slowly but surely, my living room started to fill up on Friday nights, as the deepest, most emotional, most beautiful and best written show on TV (at the time) won people over one by one.

...Okay, maybe not Season 4 of The Simpsons, but that shit was essentially royalty. You get the point.

When Friday Night Lights got renewed for a second season, I was a bit shocked. I thought for sure that we'd never see the Taylor family on TV again. But to NBC's credit, they stuck with them in their ratings slump and promoted the hell out of it. When the Writer's Strike struck in the middle of Season 2, only 15 of the 22 scheduled episodes aired, which I once again speculated would spell the end of the line. But NBC did what they could to compromise, and Season 3 aired in conjunction with DirecTV's 101 Network, alleviating some production costs and keeping the show alive.

Now, when Season 3 had ended, I thought that was it (again). I figured NBC was done playing nice with an astounding show that just couldn't seem to make its point and wrangle in more viewers. Again, not the case, as they did the unbelievable and ordered two more 13 episode seasons, guaranteeing a 4th and 5th Season, and making certain that Friday Night Lights was allowed to tell the story they want to tell. That is amazing.

Look, I'm not even going to get into the dynamics of the show and explain to you why its impact is clear to anyone that watches it (the music of Explosions In The Sky doesn't hurt, that's for sure). Just, for God's sake, watch Season 1 and go from there.

4. Mystery Science Theater 3000

Taken from MST3K Info; a perfect epilogue that I've probably read 100 times over the last 8 years:

"So, after nearly 200 bad movies, ten years of production and fifteen years of television audiences joining the crew of the SOL for "movie sign!", it's fair to ask what it was that kept this show so beloved.

Joel said something very profound about his show in an interview in 1990: "It's about liberty, in a small, goofy way," he said. And that is probably at the heart of it. It appeals to an innate human desire to unabashedly say what you think. And for young kids, that seems to be the principle draw: the whole notion of grown-ups in power being heckled and ridiculed for their obvious inadequacies is irresistible.

But there's more going on here. More importantly, MST3K is a call to arms in a war most thinking people are waging every day: the battle against the mediocrity that floods our lives. MST3K is an object lesson, a demonstration that we don't have to--and shouldn't--passively accept the garbage we are spoon-fed on a daily basis. Indeed, the series places the 'bots and their human companion on the front lines of that battle. It's in this way that MST3K rises above mere heckling and becomes a compelling metaphor about fighting the good fight.

But beyond that, there is no mistaking the genius at work here. It shines so clearly that toddlers are instinctively drawn to it and senior citizens smile knowingly -- even if neither gets all the jokes. From Joel's forehead-slappingly simple concept to its loopy-yet-graceful execution, the show has a cool elegance, an endearing off-kilter brilliance. It engenders an astonishing loyalty in its viewers -- a loyalty that stems in part from the way it makes its viewers feel like they are "in on" a very special secret. It manages the near-impossible by being one of the most delightfully unpredictable programs on national TV, while also being one of the most reassuringly formulaic. MST3K rewards knowledge and insight, punishes inattention and passivity. But most importantly, it always has been -- and always will be -- really, genuinely funny.

In the theater, the give-and-take rhythm between movie and commentary can be, at its best, dazzling and exhilarating; while the host segments often build to the kind of antic cartoon chaos that is a tonic for anyone who feels trapped in a dreary, workaday world. The overall result is an entertainment experience that leaves its viewer a little happier than when he or she found it.

On January 31, 2004, fifteen years of Mystery Science Theater 3000 came to an end on broadcast television. But the show lives on in the hearts and minds of fans all over the world who continue to live by those four magical little words: "Keep circulating the tapes."

MST3K didn't run forever. But it will never leave us."

3. Seinfeld

TV Guide states that Seinfeld is the greatest sitcom of all-time. Of course, the nation was in the grips of Seinfeld-Mania at that particular point in time, so I have to believe that the list might be slightly altered should it run again in 2016. A quick scan of my high school yearbook even unearths tons of Seinfeld quotes and musings scribbled into margins and back pages by friends and teachers. Truly, Seinfeld was a defining moment in time, not just for television, but for comedy and culture in general.

Within the confines of a ‘traditional’ sitcom, they broke taboos, seamlessly intertwined genius with wackiness and practically begged you to realize that the four main characters were some of the most selfish, shallow and self-centered characters ever created. We saw ourselves in those characters (I used to be mostly George, but I'm mostly Jerry now), and it allowed us to root for them, even as they ruined lives, obsessed over the trivial and broke up with people on a weekly basis for the most superficial of reasons.

There are only two shows I still watch in syndication: The Simpsons and Seinfeld. I am constantly blown away by how much it holds up and is still so contemporary, even though it was created before cell phones and the Internet. How can a show about social foibles and the mundane frustration of daily life still seem so fresh? How can their slang and vocabulary still be a part of our cultural lexicon even 25 years later?

That's the definition of 'timeless,' I guess.

2. Breaking Bad

September 15, 2013. Season 5, Episode 14. 'Ozymandias.'

Something happened to me while I was watching this particular episode. By this point, I was like everyone else- Totally and completely enraptured with the story of Walter White and his transformation to full-on meth kingpin. The way it unfolded over the course of five seasons was transcendent, and we were now deep into the horrific unraveling that would careen us into the Series Finale. Each episode got progressively better, building off of the story told a week prior, crescendoing into a symphony of violence, tension and brilliant, brilliant acting.

In the second half of 'Ozymandias,' there's a scene where Walt and Skyler get into a physical altercation at their home. The scene is outstanding on its own, but the weight of the scene, knowing how far we've come with this family, was almost too much to bear. This was when I realized, for sure, that I was watching the greatest single episode of Television I have ever seen. I'm not alone in this thought. I almost couldn't believe what I was seeing. When it was over, I only then realized that I had been shaking and sweating for the last 20 minutes of it.

Two years ago, we had a tournament here on the CDP to determine the greatest TV show of the last 25 years, and Breaking Bad beat out 127 other shows in a worldwide vote over the course of nearly two months. I didn't have a problem with it then, and I don't now. Breaking Bad is a triumph of TV Drama, now and forever.

1. The Simpsons

The Simpsons is, quite simply, the greatest Television show ever made. From The AV Club:

"Here’s a no-brainer: The Simpsons is the best animated series of all-time, and Television’s crowning achievement regardless of format. Some may try to peel the rose-colored filter from the show’s classic era, others bemoan the creative direction of the past dozen or so seasons—but the fact that it’s survived long enough to even have 12 “bad” seasons is an achievement in and of itself. (And let’s be honest: Anything is going to look bad in comparison to the unprecedented eight-year run of near perfection that The Simpsons pulled off between 1989 and 1997.)

The Simpsons redefined the American sitcom, made primetime safe for animation again (effectively making every animated show from then on possible), and (for better or for worse) influenced the way people in the real world speak. The show even captured a culture so effectively that it built its own living, breathing universe that’s currently nattering away in millions of smartphones—this is no “meh” achievement. The Simpsons is cromulent, plain and simple, and we are all embiggened for having it in our lives."

Couldn't have said it better myself.

NEXT WEEK: THE NUCLEAR NIELSEN FAMILY II.

TV Month 2016 - The 100 Greatest (Part 4).

2016-05-19T00:01:00.000-05:00

Welcome back to TV Month 2016, and Part 4 of the 100 Greatest TV Shows of the Last 35 Years. We're getting serious now.

30. Black Mirror
29. Roseanne
28. Bob’s Burgers
27. Beavis and Butthead
26. Home Movies

25. Better Call Saul
24. Louie
23. Futurama
22. Curb Your Enthusiasm
21. Tales From the Crypt

20. Twin Peaks
19. The Office (US)
18. The Sopranos
17. South Park
16. King of the Hill

15. Malcolm in the Middle
14. The Wire
13. The Adventures of Pete and Pete
12. Parks and Recreation
11. The X-Files

TOMORROW: THE 100 GREATEST (PART 5).

TV Month 2016 - The 100 Greatest (Part 3).

2016-05-18T00:01:00.000-05:00

Welcome back to TV Month 2016; were on to Part 3 of the 100 Greatest TV Shows of the Last 35 Years. The countdown rolls on.

50.The Flash
49. It’s Garry Shandling’s Show
48. Frasier
47. Freaks and Geeks
46. Party of Five

45. The Critic
44. Full House
43. Friends
42. Mad Men
41. NewsRadio

40. Community
39. Modern Family
38. The West Wing
37. The Golden Girls
36. The Larry Sanders Show

35. The Goldbergs
34. The Ren and Stimpy Show
33. Cheers
32. Six Feet Under
31. Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist

TOMORROW: THE 100 GREATEST (PART 4).

TV Month 2016 - The 100 Greatest (Part 2).

2016-05-17T00:01:00.000-05:00

Welcome back to TV Month 2016, and Part 2 of the 100 Greatest TV Shows of the Last 35 Years. Let's get to it.

75. NYPD Blue
74. Murphy Brown
73. ER
72. Knight Rider
71. Sledge Hammer!

70. The A-Team
69. The Shield
68. China Beach
67. Dawson’s Creek
66. Ally McBeal

65. Max Headroom
64. Northern Exposure
63. Deadwood
62. That 70’s Show
61. My So-Called Life

60. Metalocalypse
59. Oz
58. Eerie, Indiana
57. Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
56. House M.D.

55. Pee Wee’s Playhouse
54. Aqua Teen Hunger Force
53. Brooklyn Nine-Nine
52. Daria
51. Are You Afraid of the Dark?

TOMORROW: THE 100 GREATEST (PART 3).

TV Month 2016 - The 100 Greatest (Part 1).

2016-05-16T00:01:00.000-05:00

I hope you've been enjoying TV Month 2016, and what would a CDP retrospectivus be without a big countdown?

All this week, we'll be rolling back my list of the 100 Greatest TV Shows of the Last 35 Years. Right off the bat, here are the ground rules:

1. My list, my shows. I ain't speaking for you, and why would you want me to?

2. To keep this list under 8,000 shows, I had to set a few personal parameters. It is for these reasons that I stuck to almost exclusively scripted comedies and dramas. For the most part, variety shows, reality shows and mini-series had to be sacrificed in order to make this a reality.

3. I chose 35 years, again, to keep the list from getting out of hand, and to focus on shows created in my lifetime. If there's an issue with this, please see Rule #1.

Let's go.

100. Heroes
99. Nashville
98. ALF
97. Thirtysomething
96. The Muppets (2015)

95. The Cosby Show
94. Adventure Time/Regular Show
93. Hey Arnold!
92. The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
91. Newhart

90. Saved by the Bell
89. Family Ties
88. Tales From the Darkside
87. L.A. Law
86. Fraggle Rock

85. My Name is Earl
84. The Last Man on Earth
83. Picket Fences
82. The Middle
81. Sports Night

80. Beverly Hills, 90210
79. Night Court
78. Melrose Place
77. Miami Vice
76. MacGyver

TOMORROW: THE 100 GREATEST (PART 2).

TV Month 2016 - The Unsolved.

2016-05-13T00:01:00.000-05:00

It was the Summer of 1986, and I was on death's door.

I had the flu. The little kid flu. To this day, it's about as sick as I've ever been. I was riding out a 100+ degree fever on my grandma's couch, sweating straight through to the springs. We didn't have air conditioning, but we did have a box fan that blew humid, recirculated air into my face between punctual bouts of barfing into an ice cream pail I kept by my head.

I slipped in and out of consciousness for the duration of the weekend. I slept, I sweat, I barfed and I watched TV.

It was during one of these comatose, surreal fever dreams when I saw a commercial that I had never seen before. It was advertising a cereal that didn't exist (Circus Fun), but it felt so real. It was like Lucky Charms, but with circus animal marshmallows. It had creepy clay animation and a deranged-sounding carnival barker. It felt like a nightmare broadcast, and it freaked me out something proper.

The whole ordeal was weird enough to convince myself that I had made the entire thing up; a byproduct of being sick as a dog at the age of 4. I never saw the commercial again, I never saw the cereal at stores, and nobody I ever talked to confirmed that the cereal ever existed. Case closed: It wasn't real.

Then 30 years later, this happened.

Well, son of a bitch. It was exactly how I had remembered it.

In the light of day (and adulthood), it's hard to pinpoint why certain, seemingly random things scared you as a child. But you definitely remember the feeling. I remember being afraid of the billboards advertising Jellystone Park, because of the giant, looming visage of Yogi Bear in the night sky. I remember seeing commercials for Time/Life's Mysteries of the Unknown book series and darting out of the room (I then went on to purchase all of them). And I remember this damn Circus Fun commercial, mostly because of the surreal uneasiness. Is what I'm seeing actually happening?

My curiosity always got the best of me; my fear taking a backseat to discovery. I read every book, watched every movie and took in every TV show that frightened me.

My jam was the Paranormal. Anything unsolved. Serial murderers on the loose. And wouldn't you know it, the 1990's blessed us with all of that and then some in the form of Unsolved Mysteries, the scariest television program ever made:

It was pitch-perfect nightmare fuel. The opening disclaimer. The iconic music. The reenactments. The haunting voice of Robert Stack. The way they swayed between journalism and pseudoscience in a way my childlike brain couldn't differentiate. Unsolved Mysteries was the Undisputed Heavyweight Champion of scaring the shit out of me. I remember they did a two-hour special on nothing but poltergeist cases, and I couldn't sleep for days. It knocked something loose, presumably forever. Is what I'm seeing actually happening?

My love for the unexplained moved into the late 90's, as Unsolved Mysteries was followed by its FOX successor, Sightings.

Like Unsolved Mysteries, Sightings was not so much of a news broadcast as it went into the fringes of speculation and sensationalism (ie: bullshit). However, Sightings was all about the paranormal, all the time. Even after being canned by FOX, they moved to the Sci-Fi (NOT SyFy) Channel for the remainder of their run.

Pre-Alien Autopsy, I recall an episode where they attempted to track down the creator of the 'Guardian Tape,' or when they camped out for weeks at the sight of the 'Heartland Ghost,' where a supposed poltergeist was wreaking havoc on a young family. Pre-Internet, this was as far as my rabbit hole could go, and in retrospect, that was all for the better. I would have certainly become a Dale Gribble-type if left to my own devices. I needed to know more. Is what I'm seeing actually happening?

On Halloween night in 1994, CBS paid homage to War of the Worlds with the made-for-TV movie Without Warning. It was a clever film about aliens contacting us, America retaliating with violence (as we do), and the aliens retaliating by wiping us off the map. No problem, right?

Not so fast. While cheesy in retrospect, Without Warning was presented as a live broadcast of actual events as they happened, at a time where such media didn't exist in abundance. Also, while a disclaimer opened the show and bumped in the first few commercial breaks, the announcement did not resurface for the remainder of the presentation. In short, people were taken in and flipped their collective wigs. A lot of people, including myself.

It's not that I thought what I was seeing was actually happening. It's just that it was such a raw example of what could possibly happen if the shit went down, that it jettisoned me directly into an existential crisis regarding our mortality. It looks so ridiculous now, but I can't stress how effective it was on my 12-year old psyche.

I no longer live in a world where I'm fearful of aliens, poltergeists, Robert Stack and cereal commercials. But I am still afraid of the Unsolved. Only now, this manifests itself in the form of xenophobes, homophobes, racists, nationalists and anyone else who acts out of hate and fear, simply because they do not understand thoughts outside of their own. 2016's been weird, man.

Yeah, I wish.

ALL NEXT WEEK: THE 100 GREATEST.

TV Month 2016 - The Doomsday.

2016-05-12T00:01:00.000-05:00

"We will cover the end of the world, live, and that will be our last event. We'll play the National Anthem only one time, on the first of June [the day CNN launched], and when the end of the world comes, we'll play 'Nearer My God To Thee' before we sign off." - Ted Turner

When CNN launched their 24 hour-a-day news network in 1980, ratshit lunatic billionaire Ted Turner uttered the above words. And as promised, they played the National Anthem when they signed on, but most reasonable people assumed the rest of his quote was hyperbole. At some point, the network would have to sign off before the apocalypse. Or at the very least, they weren't literally prepared to air a specific music number as a nuclear holocaust consumed the Earth...right?

Well, for any of us who followed the WWE/WCW 'Monday Night Wars' can attest, Turner was a man of his crazy, crazy word. However, it wasn't until January of 2015 when a CNN employee actually found the clip Turner was referring to in the archives, and it was legit as promised.

It hasn't been converted to HD, but hey, it's the apocalypse! Nobody's going to care that much if it isn't in 1080p. Also note that it was very, very important that the video wasn't aired until the end of the world was confirmed, by CNN themselves, no doubt. The last thing CNN wanted was to jump the gun on a casualty. It was like hearing Jules' recite Ezekiel 25:17 in Pulp Fiction; if you saw it, it meant your ass.

But thanks to disgruntled interns, we were given the rare opportunity to cheat death and stare Doomsday right in its blurry, muffled eye:

I like that it was never updated. I like that, logically, nobody would be around to press the button to air it. I like that, logically, nobody would be alive to see it on CNN. I like the transcendental narcissism of Ted Turner, thinking that the masses would be huddled around the TV, watching his network, as the world burned.

In the 80's, it was perfectly rational to fear nuclear annihilation as a result of some Cold War snafu, so growing up, we were inundated with PSAs, made-for-TV movies and various other televised reminders that vaporization was never more than a Red Phone call away. To this day, the Missus freaks out whenever she hears an air raid siren. I don't think she's ever heard one in reality, but years of The Day After and Threads had her permanently on high alert.

(This is a mock-up, but it's fantastic and the real thing would be just as pants-shittingly terrifying. If I ever pulled something like this on my wife, she'd divorce me on the spot and flee with the cats.)

Analog TV experienced their own version of Doomsday in 2009, when it became law that all stations needed to convert their signal to digital. This meant no more antennas (unless you got yourself a converter box) and no more static, which was kind of a bummer for me. It was definitely the end of an era.

Further still, the analog-to-digital conversion made it a hell of a lot harder to hack into a TV station for no other reason than to mess with people, which is exactly what happened to Chicago's WGN and WTTW stations on November 22, 1987. During an episode of Doctor Who, no less.

(This really happened, and the culprit was never found.)

Most networks flipped their digital switch on February 11, 2009, although 6/12/09 became the de facto date after a few changes in legislation. There was concern that not enough people had the opportunity to get their hands on a converter box, and the argument was that TV was sort of a national right that couldn't exactly be taken away from the public, especially in the event of a Doomsday incident where everyone would need to be notified of an emergency at once. I was of the opinion that TV is a privilege, and it's up to you whether or not you wish to own one, so it's not anyone else's responsibility that you have a working one at the ready in case shit goes down.

However, my wife argued with me on this. Because the analog-to-digital conversion made a lot of TVs obsolete, and because this was no fault of their owners, and because this was essentially a government-mandated change, then yes, the government should make sure that everyone at least had the reasonable opportunity to have their TVs up and running smoothly by the cutoff date. I was wrong; she was right. In retrospect, it makes 100% sense. I just wanted to make that public in the event she still thinks I'm disputing her on it. I was being a butthole.

On the night of February 16, 2009, I did something I hadn't done in a while. I stayed up late to watch a channel go off the air. It was our local NBC station in Madison, and it was making the conversion (and channel) leap for good. This was made all the more special for me because my homie Ben worked for the network and made sure to save a copy for posterity.

(Wow, lotta hits. Good for him.)

When Doomsday hit NBC 15, they didn't go with the Ted Turner-suggested 'Nearer My God To Thee.' They stayed traditional and went with the National Anthem. That's because it wasn't really over; in fact, it was just beginning. A new era of TV had begun, and the previous had been scorched clean from the Earth. No apocalypse, no bunker, no food rations or gas masks. Just a brief test pattern and static for all of eternity.

Who wants to be around for the end of the world, anyway?

TOMORROW: THE UNSOLVED.