Whatever You Say Dear...

The English Language

2012-01-26T06:50:00.001-08:00

You think English is easy?? Read these!

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture..

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig..

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this ..

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special. A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so........it is time to shut UP!

The Awesome Power of a Wife's Love

2011-07-25T14:07:00.000-07:00

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. . .
"They're for the funeral."

Stay Calm Dad - A Touching 911 Call

2010-12-02T14:38:00.000-08:00

Listen to Stay Calm, Dad Now

A 5-year-old talks on the phone with 911 while her dad is having difficultly breathing. Don't leave too soon. This little girl is not only smart, but very funny.

So Far, So Good

The Alcohol Lecture

2010-11-28T05:53:00.000-08:00

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 am and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body".

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife."

Thoughts for the Day - Courtsey of Rodney Dangerfield

2010-11-27T05:53:00.000-08:00

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with.

Black Friday Ad Circuit City didn’t approve

2010-11-25T04:00:00.000-08:00

FYI... We don't approve either.

More Black Friday Humor

2010-11-24T04:00:00.000-08:00

Black Friday

On a Budget? Serve Roadkill for Thanksgiving

2010-11-23T12:38:00.000-08:00

With turkey prices at an all-time high this year, you may want to seriously consider serving another type of meat at your Thanksgiving dinner -- roadkill -- since it's fresh, fast and free.

According to Midwest hunter Buck Peterson, author of "The Original Roadkill Cookbook" (Ten Speed Press) and other humorous outdoor parodies, the most efficient way to do Thanksgiving on the cheap is to serve your guests freshly hit and roasted roadkill instead of a traditional turkey.

"This time of year is perfect for nabbing a deer on the road. The rut is on, and bucks are only thinking about romance, so they're being much more careless about crossing busy roads to get to the does," Peterson told AOL News. "In these next three weeks, there are very high chances for fresh meat straight off the road."

Peterson said the odds of hitting fresh roadkill are good because so many people are traveling by car to reach their holiday destinations.

"You don't want to show up to Grandma's house empty-handed," he reasoned. "That's just rude. Show up with some deer meat, and everyone will love you."

The sensible outdoorsman may not be reaching too far off the beaten path.

In fact, according to the annual Thanksgiving travel survey recently released by AAA, holiday travel between this Wednesday through Sunday is expected to increase by 11.4 percent from last year.

AAA expects 42.2 million people will travel at least 50 miles to reach their Thanksgiving destination, and trips by car remain the most popular, with 39.7 million people driving.

By Peterson's logic, that's a whole lot of chances to hit a deer, so he suggested packing extra tools, including something to scrape the deer off the road with and a rope to tie it to the car, just in case.

If you're lucky enough to score some free roadside protein, Peterson said preparing it will be a breeze.

"You don't need much to make deer meat taste good. Just roasting or grilling it with a little kosher salt, ground pepper, garlic salt and butter should be enough. You'll get some great-tasting steaks that way," he explained.

Since Peterson doesn't like to waste a single ounce of roadkill, he said the parts that aren't edible could come in handy as Christmas gifts.

"You can turn the hide into a pair of nice gloves. It's like killing two birds with one stone."

Now, if you're not too keen on scraping your Thanksgiving dinner off the pavement, Peterson recommended hunting your own wild turkey instead of spending money on one at the market.

The hunting expert said bagging a bird requires extreme patience, but it can be done.

"You need to call around and find out where the turkeys are first so you don't waste your time. The best turkey hunting happens in the spring, but you can still find one out there in the fall, especially early in the morning," he said.

After they find the prime location, Peterson suggests that turkey hunters deck themselves out in camouflage from head to toe, because wild gobblers have impeccable vision.

"They can't smell you, but they can see your every movement. Hide yourself by putting leaves on your feet and camouflage paint on your face. If you're face to face with a turkey, don't even blink, because it'll see your eyes move and it'll bolt right away. If you want the bird, stay as still as possible. Don't even scratch an itch," Peterson explained.

He also advised using a turkey mouth call to lure in a tom, which Peterson described as a "squeaky, high-pitched yelp that drives them wild."

Though he's a huge fan of bagging bucks, the hunter admitted there's nothing more gratifying than shooting your own Thanksgiving gobbler. Peterson believes the bird even tastes better knowing you killed it yourself.

"There's something very cool about scoring a wild turkey and bringing it home to your family. It makes you feel like a real pilgrim, minus the funny hat," said Peterson. "Plus, you can really build up the hunting story to make it sound more heroic than it actually was, to impress your family."

Because wild turkeys feed on only natural grains, Peterson said their meat tastes much more tender and juicy than a regular store-bought turkey.

"The breast is light meat, the legs are dark meat and the skin is delicious. If you smoke a wild turkey it comes out really good."

Again, Peterson may really be on to something.

According to Brent Lawrence of the National Wild Turkey Federation, many Americans hunt their own wild turkeys for Thanksgiving.

Lawrence told AOL News that in 2008 there were 649,507 fall turkey hunters in the U.S., and close to 3 million in the spring. He said the current wild turkey population is at a high of 7 million, so people can hunt without worry because each state manages its own turkey population.

Additionally, hunting your own turkey will help your wallet, since turkey prices are at a record high. Bloomberg reports that the cost of turkey this year is at $1.09 per pound, the highest price ever, because store-bought turkey production is down.

On top of that, the American Farm Bureau Federation reports that the average cost of a full Thanksgiving dinner this year is $43.47 -- up 1.3 percent from last year.

If you're not buying a bird, you can save around $18.

And, taking a page from Peterson's book, non-edible parts of the turkey can be used creatively. Peterson likes to make fly-fishing lures for his buddies out of the colorful feathers and often gives them away as holiday gifts.

The National Wild Turkey Federation runs a Feather Distribution Project where hunters can donate their plucked and cleaned turkey feathers to Native American tribes across the nation, which use them for their religious ceremonies.

SOURCE

Black Friday - The Game

2010-11-23T04:00:00.000-08:00

Black Friday

Black Friday Craziness

2010-11-22T11:17:00.000-08:00

TV and Nintendo Wii Remote

Pumpkin Carving Ideas

2010-10-28T07:44:00.000-07:00

Free Laugh - The Meaning of Dreams

2010-10-15T06:36:00.000-07:00

After she woke up, a woman told her husband,

"I just had a dream that you gave me the most beautiful diamond necklace. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said with a smile.

The woman could hardly think of anything else all day and she couldn't wait for her husband to return home.

That evening, the man finally came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it excitedly to find a book entitled... "The Meaning of Dreams"

Thoughts for the Day

2010-10-04T11:15:00.001-07:00

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then You Are Probably The Family Dog...........

Free Laugh - Laugh of the Day...

2010-09-15T08:19:00.000-07:00

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS plaque on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. Hmmm, or could he?

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park high school.

"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a mustang," he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "in 1959. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled son-of-a-bitch asked, "What did you teach?"

Seriously Stupid Tattoos

2010-09-14T07:50:00.000-07:00

Need to Get Some Stupid Tattoos?

2010-09-12T07:48:00.000-07:00

Stupid People Get Stupid Tattoos

2010-09-11T07:31:00.000-07:00

These are Some Stupid Tattoos

2010-09-10T07:39:00.000-07:00

Stupid Tattoos = Stupid People

2010-09-09T07:41:00.000-07:00

Thinking of Getting Some Stupid Tattoos?

2010-09-08T07:44:00.000-07:00

Genuinely Stupid Tattoos

2010-09-07T07:45:00.000-07:00

Stupid Tattoos for Stupid People

2010-09-06T07:47:00.000-07:00

Free Laugh - Abbott and Costello

2010-09-05T16:35:00.000-07:00

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,
'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT*

*ABBOTT: **Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows.. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows..

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............*

Free Laugh - You Know Your From New Jersey...

2010-09-04T16:26:00.000-07:00

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM JERSEY WHEN:

You know how to properly negotiate a Circle.
You know what a "jug handle" is.
You know that the only people who call it "Joisey" are from New York (usually The Bronx) or Texas.
You don't think of citrus when people mention "The Oranges."
You've ordered a hard roll with butter for breakfast.
You've known the way to Seaside Heights since you were seven.
You've eaten at a diner, when you were stoned or drunk, at 3 am.
Whenever you park, there's a Camaro within three spots of you.
You remember that the "Two Guys" were from Harrison.
You know that the state isn't one big oil refinery.
If you were born and raised in New Jersey, it was either North Jersey, Central Jersey or South Jersey.
You say the words "water", "coffee", "dog" and "whatever", like this "wawder", "cawfee", "dawg" and "wadever".
You know that there are no "beaches" in New Jersey - there's "The Shore,"
and you know that the road to the shore is "The Parkway" not "The Garden State Highway."
Even your school cafeteria made good Italian subs, and, you call it a "sub" not a "submarine sandwich" or worse yet, a "hoagy" or a "hero."
You remember the song from the Palisades Park commercials.
You know that "Acme" is an actual store, not just a Warner Bros creation.
You know that this is the only "New..." state that doesn't require "New" to identify it (like, try ...Mexico, ....York, ...Hampshire (doesn't work, does it?)
You know how to translate this conversation: "Jeet yet?" "No, Jew?"
You only go to New York City for day trips, and you only call it "The City.."
You know that a "White Castle" is the name of BOTH a fast food chain AND a fast food sandwich.
You consider a corned beef sandwich with lettuce and mayo a sacrilege.
You don't think "What exit" (do you live near?) is very funny.
You know that people from 609 area code are "a little different."
You live within 20 minutes of at least three different malls.
You can see the Manhattan skyline from some part of your town.
You refer to all highways and interstates by their numbers.
Every year, you had at least one kid in your class named Tony.
You know where every "clip" shown in the Sopranos opening credits is.
You've eaten a Boardwalk cheesesteak with vinegar fries.
You start planning for Memorial Day weekend in February.
And finally...
You've sure as hell never pumped your own gas.

I love to feel the wind in my hair, and the sand between my toes.
I know there's no place on earth quite like New Jersey.
And that no matter where life takes me, this will always be home.

Thoughts for the Day - Coffee Cups

2010-09-03T16:22:00.000-07:00

A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.

Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the coffee.

When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress.

Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups... And then you began eyeing each other's cups.

Now consider this: Life is the coffee; the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of Life we live.

Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee God has provided us."

God brews the coffee, not the cups.......... Enjoy your coffee!

"The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything."

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.