Taste and See...

Wrestling with God

2016-04-29T06:22:00.000-06:00

My faith is a bit messy at times. My heart gets shaky over new struggles that I can't find the answers to and inside I start fighting a feeling that's pressing up against my chest. A feeling that the best way to solve my problems is to press through my days not really facing the fears( or the real issues that need resolution) that have come to rest at my side. I have to admit it looks a lot more like running and less like faith. I enjoy encouraging others and when I'm wrestling it's hard to see up from down. Encouragement seems hard to grasp, even harder to give.

I realize though that faith and life without wrestling seems a little safe and unreasonable in nature.

So here I've been, flailing around and facing fears. Waking up freer each day(sometimes I can't recognize this till later). Doing life with the author of life requires risk, intimacy and trust. Every time I've wrestled in the past, God's shown up to meet me.

When I couldn't stop lying and stealing or shake my anger when I first surrendered my life to Jesus.

When I couldn't hear his voice and I didn't want to keep walking forward without it.

When my husband got hospitalized and I wasn't sure if I would get him back.

When I had a particularly alarming bout of postpartum depression.

I've gotten a word that springs hope, brings revelation, inner healing or a shift of focus to the Eternal. Answers to questions I never formed into prayers.

So Stop Running. The stress is just as much in the running as it is in your circumstances. An infinite, eternal God is not afraid of your flailings.

Lamentations 3: (The Message)

25-27 God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
    to the woman who diligently seeks.
It’s a good thing to quietly hope,
    quietly hope for help from God.
It’s a good thing when you’re young
    to stick it out through the hard times.

28-30 When life is heavy and hard to take,
    go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions:
    Wait for hope to appear.
Don’t run from trouble. Take it full-face.
    The “worst” is never the worst.

31-33 Why? Because the Master won’t ever
    walk out and fail to return.
If he works severely, he also works tenderly.
    His stockpiles of loyal love are immense.
He takes no pleasure in making life hard,
    in throwing roadblocks in the way:

Keep running/Not alone

2016-04-14T09:11:00.000-06:00

Psalm 5:3 In the morning You hear my voice, O Lord; In the morning I prepare (a prayer, a sacrifice) for You and watch and wait( for you to speak to my heart).

Give us this day our daily bread, don't look back, don't look too far forward, don't worry, don't fear. Sometimes contentment seems like a tall order,

I looked up "The Lord's Prayer" in my you version app and to my surprise the first thing that popped up was not the prayer that Jesus taught the disciples but loads and loads of prayers lifted up throughout the Bible. Prayers with incense, prayers laid flat, prayers of a nation. I read words like "You hear me" and "because I was bold enough to pray this prayer" and the thing that crosses my mind is that I'm not alone. I can look into the Bible and view how people throughout history have wrestled with the reality of walking with the Eternal and see that it's not so different from my own path. Crying out, asking questions. Thinking God is crazy and at the same time knowing he is faithful. Please wet the fleece. Please dry the fleece now too. Learning to trust a wild and loving God.

I saw that God instructed someone to burn incense as a symbol of prayer. Incense permeates the area around it filling a room in all in its cracks and crevices. Our prayers are changing the atmosphere around us(and in us) as well as being heard by and delighting the heart of our father God. How beautiful is it that God gives us tangible things to grasp the intangible. Something to taste, touch, smell, see or hear.

So it's one day at a time. Choosing prayer instead of fear or checking out to my phone or to a project when things arise. A few months ago a problem surfaced again with one of my boys that had taken me over with worry for him, for his future. The worry did nothing to bring any change though. It only served to halt me in any progress while I built imaginative horror stories of his future. Let's not entertain imaginative fear for too long or he'll show up unexpected(anxiety, panic). So I'm praying and taking my eyes off the worry-induced pretend future I've made for him to uplift and encourage my real son in the here and now.

God says he has good plans for him anyway.

I've had some answers and acting on them has already begun to bring good fruit but I still need to lean into God for my path. So thankful for the encouragement of the many who've followed God throughout history that tell us that he hears us, sees us and show us that he moves for us. If we stepped into the middle of their stories we'd probably see the glorious messes that they were, full of faith, desperation and uncertainty but you look a little further and you get to see the miraculous. Thank God for their complete stories and God in the midst of them. Not alone, not alone, not alone.

God I trust you with all the uncertainty and pray that you would take my hand as I run headstrong into the unknown.

Hebrews 12:1-3
12 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

I'll say it for you, "I've got my hands fuuuuuuullllllll."

2016-04-11T20:30:00.001-06:00

Lately getting out of my house has been a challenge. With three boys getting out of the house in a timely manner while remembering where I'm going and what I'm doing is a miracle. Not a miracle that sounds very awe-inspiring like feeding the 5,000, healing or raising the dead but a miracle involving my own mental capacities of which I am very grateful.

Point is, once I'm out the comments start flowing.

I almost always hear, "You've got your hands full".

Now I understand that this is a natural reaction to seeing a mom out with three lively boys but while I was pregnant with my last I was constantly asked, "Are you having a girl?" or "Did you want a girl/Are you disappointed?"

Which begs the question in my mind, "Do girls fix your problems as a parent?"

The tone of the question changes these conversations drastically. From the lighthearted and caring stranger to the looks at my kids like they have the plague stranger. Either way it just leads me to the root of this interaction which is, "Am I ok with my boys, my life, my choices."

The answer is yes.

We have bad days. We have good days. When the bad days begin to outnumber the good ones I have to look for the cause because the fact that they are boys is not the reason. Am I tired, achy/hungry, need a break or do boundaries need to be reestablished, behavior addressed, loving connections made?

I love their energy(really), creativity, joy and laughter. Most of the time we are laughing. Some of the time we are wrestling. Parts of the time we are crying. None of the time are we resting( ok maybe sometimes).

I love that I have loads of excuses to do "Boy" things that I would love to do anyway. Introducing them to Star Wars and Indiana Jones, jumping in mud puddles, helping little ones climb up into trees and wrestling on the floor.

I've also introduced them to "Girly" things like the day they sat and watched Anne of Green Gables mostly because the tv was on or all our poetry tea times( although I think poetry and tea time are for everyone anyway).

While homeschooling we took nature walks, had field trips every other week, acted out history lessons and had our hands deep into messy science experiments and dioramas. We read Shakespeare and the Odyssey( children's versions) and discussed ancient history, God and the Civil rights movement. I've been missing it so much that I haven't quite known what to do with just my toddler. It's a new season though and we're growing and learning, searching for our footing in a new place.

So yes my hands are still full. Full of joy and sometimes dishes or frustration but full none the less. That's the way I like it. Hopefully I'll know what to do with my hands when they're free as well. I think I'll start to practice.

If you wanna sing out, sing out(to cats).

2016-04-08T08:52:00.002-06:00

I like to sing. Sometimes I'm alright at it and sometimes I'm just sing narrating my day( think the more awkward side of Zooey Deschanel). Or singing out my frustrations or interrupting conversations with close friends to sing songs related to the discussion( always helpful).

You just can never tell( grandmother quote).

When my husband and I still lived with my in-laws I was caught singing to my cat. I had picked up my tiny tabby and took him outside to check the mail when being fully immersed in belting out a song to my kitten Tiger I turned and locked eyes with my husband's adult cousin. I don't even think he reacted. I felt ridiculous. I went inside. I kept singing. Sometimes you can't keep it in.

British Mobile ad and pretty much what happened

10 ways I know I've been bitten by the creativity bug( in no particular order):

#1 Watching talent based shows of any kind makes me want to get up and do the thing. "What do you mean I don't sew/do stand up/ balance plates on my head? I'm going to go practice now."

#2 I begin to tell myself stories inwardly and have to remind myself to interact with humans that day.

#3 I go to the craft table at Mops(Mothers of preschoolers) saying I don't even know what I'm gonna do and end up engrossed in the craft until it's time to go( you mean it's over?).

#4 I look up you tube videos on vocal coaching and sit there and practice. For what, I'm not sure.

#5 Grab 2 books and 10 magazines at Barnes & Noble, then voraciously try to read everything like Johnny 5 while child plays at train table.

#6 Incessant car drumming.

#7 It feels as though parenting would be much better if crafts were involved. For every occasion.

#8 The recycling bin is beginning to look like a project to you( ooh plastic).

#9 Laughing at the grocery store from delight of food selection( as opposed to groaning and filling your cart with frozen items because you're so stinkin tired).

#10 When your heart fills with the beauty of......a building, a strangers smile, the light coming thru the trees at dusk, etc.

Your list will be different and perhaps more amazing and hilarious.

Be creative, enjoy stuff and share your enthusiasm because we all need connection and contagious joy.

Goodnight

Waking up to the reality of Hope(and something about Sasquatches)

2015-10-28T22:33:00.000-06:00

Do I have to?

Yesterday I found myself getting up on the wrong side of the bed. Same side but somehow wrong. With a foggy mind, heavy thoughts and sluggish eyelids I labored through breakfast. My husband tried to band us together to knock out a few chores before beginning our day but I only managed minimal output while groaning like a Sasquatch(apparently sasquatch is a proper noun) all throughout. Only a few short hours later I crawled into my preschoolers bed to try to calm his difficult emotions and to shut out my day. As I lay there half in, half out of the land of the living my mind began to sing a worship song about waking up. I laughed inwardly, barely awake with the song growing in intensity in my mind.

"Awaken my soul, come awake"

I continued to try to sleep as my mind kept singing, "Spirit of the living God come fall afresh on me. Come wake me from my sleep. Blow through the caverns of my soul, pour in me to overflow. To overflow."

"Spirit of the...."

"Alright, God I'm getting up."

Holy Spirit with a sense of humor? I think so.

I've struggled and thankfully walked through and out of bouts of depression, unexpected intense anxiety and a trauma that at times caused post traumatic stress. I don't say this to get pity(or to scare you from inviting me over to your house) but because I believe that these things are so common and yet so taboo to speak about. There are chemical and hormonal changes that our bodies go through because of pregnancy, lack of sleep, improper nutrition, and many other regular, everyday things that can cause our minds some sort of imbalance. There are also difficult life changes and stress that can overwhelm us causing us to be susceptible to mental imbalance, like a virus. These things should not be taboo, should not be shameful. They are all too common and treatable. Even the scarier imbalances are still a medical condition, an illness where the root of the issue needs to be searched out and taken care of, where there is hope. The problem may be simple or multifaceted but there is always hope.

It might sound odd out of context of a certain sermon but recently the phrase, "God doesn't negotiate with hopelessness;" has stuck in my mind. Knowing I cannot do that sermon justice in a few phrases I'll just tell you that the phrase was referencing Gideon. Pointing out that some of the negative, insecure things that Gideon was believing about himself were not true but that God did not even address that. He just spoke to Gideon as if he had already overcome, as if he was always the warrior of faith that God was calling him to be.

What I see is that in the Kingdom of God and within God is all Hope. Hope is the reality, not a chance with a large possibility of doomed failure. So God is working from a perspective that we cannot always grasp. Where Hope is tangible and Healing is not out of reach. And hopelessness is like a tiny, little thought terrorist, stealing our joy, wrecking our trust and ability to move forward. So God's not going to negotiate with it because hopelessness is just a lie wrapped up in pretty packaging that makes us identify with it, not question it. So he just speaks truth and it alters our reality and allows us to see more clearly. To wake up. Ha, like the Matrix or C.S. Lewis's The Silver Chair or that movie where you need bathtubs to help wake you out of dreams. Except we wake up to see our real enemy and a much better reality where hope is real and heavens resources are endless(no bathtub needed).

Not real. We're done now.

In one of my hardest moments I was driving down the highway from my in-laws in what felt like the middle of a nightmare. I was breaking at the seams and it felt as though my heart couldn't handle one more minute in my current reality. I have no idea what I prayed but I think I asked, "God where are you?", my voice and thoughts flooded with anger and confusion. I was clinging to the notion that God was Good because I could point directly back to places in my life where I knew he had come through but I felt myself slipping, grasping. Then all of a sudden I felt lifted out of the darkness and almost placed on the other side of it. I could sense there was another side, something I could apprehend past the pain and with that came peace. No answers yet, just peace.

So here are some awesome verses:

Zephaniah 3:17

“The LORD your God in your midst, the Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."

Romans 8:37-39

“Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Jeremiah 29:11

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

And.......there's more. Like this one! Ba-Bam Scripture!

1 Corinthians 13:6-8

6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.

All this to say when you hear that whisper of hope listen closer. Watch out for it, anticipate it because God is in relentless pursuit of our hearts. Let it wake you from your weariness and let you see more clearly the hope of your calling, your hope in the darkness. We all need a little waking up sometimes.

5 or 6 barrels of wine

2015-10-20T12:05:00.000-06:00

So I don't know if you've ever felt this way but whenever I've read the miracles of Jesus I've felt as if the miracle of Jesus turning the water into wine seemed odd or maybe like a side random thing Jesus did. Not saying I don't see purpose in celebration but this miracle is so different than any of his other miracles. No healing, no demons driven out, just lavish celebration.

As I'd read my inner self would scrunch up it's nose and say- "Oh don't worry about that miracle. His mom made him do it. Doesn't mean anything." (I'm questioning right now whether or not to get snarkier with my comments. Just thought you should know)

So I asked God because honestly, it didn't make sense to have an "insignificant miracle" and now I find myself wholly taken up with a word picture of Christs purpose on Earth.

I haven't been able to get this thought out of my head. This thought that Jesus Is the water turned to wine. John 7:37 & Mark 14:23-24 The living water and the wine! You see as much as I know and have experienced father God/Jesus Christ/Holy Spirit as loving , joyful, wooing me to repentance, Christs blood as wine has reminded me only of the crushing pain Christ went through on the way to the cross not the joy that strengthened him to get there.

Christs 1st miracle was more than a wine bottle given as a hostess gift though.

This was an extravagant gift, gallons and gallons of the best wine with the host being surprised and remarking at this extravagance. Without knowing about the miracle the Master of the banquet says in John 2, "Everyone brings out the choice wine first and then the cheaper wine after the guests have had too much to drink; but you have saved the best till now.".

If you were to buy one bottle of aged fine wine, it could cost hundreds of dollars.

Jesus gave gallons.

Six stone water jars each holding from twenty to thirty gallons each! This was like the feeding of the 5 thousand but with wine. If it was just the 20 gallons a piece that's still 120 gallons of the best wine! And for what? A wedding where they had already been celebrating for awhile.

I felt a quiet joy welling up inside at this thought that I still can't quite comprehend. Jesus's blood as an extravagant incomprehensible outpouring that defies logic. Why this price? Why so much? Wine can represent that crushing but it also represents sustenance, joy and celebration.

And what our we celebrating but the union or marriage between the bride of Christ back to God. All separations between us and God are removed!

And to top this off what water did Christ turn in wine?

It says in John 2:6 that they were stone water jars normally used for ceremonial washing. When Christ died, the curtain in the temple leading into the most holy of holies was torn from top to bottom signifying the removal of boundaries keeping us from entering into Gods presence. No more trying to clean ourselves up in every way possible to be able have relationship with the most holy . Christs blood has given us access, has washed us clean.

He is the celebration and we are his. He is our extravagant joy and we are his! This is the joy abiding in him and set before him. This is some good news.

Money, Marriage, Miracles, Oh my!

2014-11-25T00:56:00.002-07:00

So I'm writing this because Travis and I have been complimented on our ability to handle money over the years. I can honestly say I feel blessed to be in a marriage that can handle hard discussions and keep going. After ten years of marriage we relate more and more to those vows we spoke out loud in front of friends and loved ones. For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, crabbiness and joy( I hope that was one of them!).

Anyways, somehow we've managed to get through a variety of money issues mostly unscathed.
Although it isn't because we haven't made mistakes. We bought a condo when we didn't really have the money and got stuck with it for 8 years or so( our family growing, our place not). We've bought bad vehicles that weren't cheap. We couldn't afford insurance and then had an emergency that made us realize why we couldn't afford not to. My husband has been downsized twice and we once went five months without income( which in retrospect doesn't seem long but it did then).

I'm so thankful for where we are now, which is attempting to aggressively pay down my school loan but at times I feel the urge not to be thankful. To want things that I can't have right now, to splurge, to not pay attention to our budget. I ignore it though and thank God for all our financial breakthrough and favor( at least that's what I'm doing right now). Thank him for the courage to use our tax money to fix and sell our condo when we really just wanted to run away from it.

Our condo that we'd owned had felt like a hopeless weight trapping us in an increasingly uncomfortable situation. In all actuality we owned next to none of it and I was afraid that costs of selling were going to outweigh what we got for it. We did it though. We prayed and put our money into it trusting it to sell. By the end before we sold it we had 3 boys in the condo and just about all of our belongings in a storage unit so we could fit. It sold the day before it was on the market officially!

There have been so many times in our marriage like that financially that if I stop to think about it I can't help but feel blessed. Bills being payed on time despite no money, a job with perfect timing so there was no lag in pay between the ending of another job which included severance money, large hospital bills being written off, health insurance being back paid, grocery bills staying at $50 no matter how much I got! Praise God!

Travis and I do have a heart for saving, budgeting, living within our means and total honesty in our finances. For some crazy reason we enjoy it and at times staying within our budget feels like a game and the prize is financial freedom. Every time we feel anxious about money or frustrated I find the best thing to do is look at reality, not how it feels, to talk and to pray. At times it can feel personal and raw and uncomfortable because it's addressing needs, wants and dreams you may have for yourself and your family but you can trust God. You can trust him with money and even with all the stuff that goes along with hashing it out. Numbers are a fact but dealing with them can get messy. I'm so glad that God's held my heart as I've gotten real about this subject again and again. How I'm scared, how I'm frustrated, how I just want some new clothes and a haircut for goodness sake!

I'm going to come back and address some practical things because every answered prayer was not a miracle. Sometimes it was just an urge to keep going and to steward what we had but for now talk and be honest. Look at reality and don't turn away. Be thankful when it's hard to be thankful and know that he's a faithful, loving and personal God who see's you.

About 7 years ago, in the midst of no money, mortgages, giant student loans and no jobs I sat in a service where the guest preacher shared a pretty random fact about the meanings of names before going on to preach an entirely different message. I was reminded of a little laminated card I had been given as a little girl that said, Jessica- "Wealthy" and felt the Lord impressing on my heart that I was wealthy no matter how much I had and that he was taking care of my family. I went and told the preacher after the service and when she asked me to share people handed me money afterward. It wasn't my intention but it definitely blessed us( we needed it) and I went home to look up my name meaning. My name was derived from an ancient Hebrew name and means God see's. Just what I needed to hear.

He sees.

Windows

2014-06-23T14:24:00.000-06:00

So I heard a podcast this morning and felt as if clarity to my questioning was breaking through. The title was windows and mirrors and the teacher spoke of looking internally to find ourselves, looking for a constant but finding a confusing, ever-changing thing. He spoke of looking to God and knowing his truth, knowing him to really see our purpose. I know this sounds like something we've all heard at some point. Many times even but this teaching shed new light into dark corners.
We must lose our life to gain it. Not stopping to gaze at ourselves until we fully understand who we are to know what we should move forward on but pressing into Christ as he makes our path clearer and clearer.
As
We
move
Forward.

For me I know that looking inward pulls me further in until I'm not sure how to make it back. I begin to judge even the victories in my life until I see faults in everything. I feel discontent and what do I do in response? I look deeper. Oh crazy, crazy me. Turning into a pillar of salt, made immovable by looking backwards instead of where I'm heading. In the teaching he spoke of the mirror becoming more like a hall of mirrors with distorted visions of ourselves shaped by how others have seen and spoken of us as well.
I've heard that verse about losing our lives so many other times and thought about it intellectually, hearing but not quite understanding. My life really does feels lost and my trajectory out of whack with myself, my thoughts, my logic at the center. No matter how full of good intentions, I'm lost. How can I stop comparing and live; if at the heart of my self-contemplation is a desire to save myself apart from Christ? Whether that's what I acknowledge it to be or not.

Looking out

So how do I go about trusting in such a way that I leave the past and my future in God's hands? All I can think is that I seek first his kingdom and his righteousness. Seek to really know God and look outward. See others. Seek him in such a way that I am enthralled with his majesty and driven by the overflow. Where my steps are naturally directed, not artificially manufactured. Motivated by his beauty and his heart and my truest self taking shape through that.

Messy, impatient seeker of Truth,
Jess

Resurrection in the Rubble

2014-06-22T20:52:00.003-06:00

Inside my heart is rumbling a story. I don't quite know what's inside. It feels a bit uncomfortable and messy. I know that what wants to come out will not be contained. I've been sitting in church services with a discomfort in my soul as if there is a question in my heart that has not been answered. A question that requires digging and long honest looks in the mirror. Is it one question though? I feel full of passion and fragility. Am I enough? What does it means that you are made strong in our weaknesses? Is it too much to ask that I be myself, fully alive and fully submitted to you? Oh God it seems scary to be myself around others and to love the way you've made me to. Not a faded counterfeit tainted by compromise and comparison.

Oh God I want to boast in my weakness and see you shine through till that's all others see. I want you to shine forth like a bright light through all those places where brokenness and submission have made a way for great testimonies of your faithfulness, miraculous provision, healing and reconciliation. Make me braver each day, regardless of past rejection or fear of perception. Embolden me and teach me to write the words of your heartbeat.

Birth

for the barren

Resurrection in the rubble

You do these things

while we still stumble

Green shoots....

up through the cracks

new life forcing it's way through

This is what You do

You hold our fragile hearts

in your rugged hands

strengthen us to sit

encourage us to crawl

then hold your breath, while we get up to stand

Only

You

Can

Only you can

Heaven's breaking in

Jess

Brave Failures

2014-04-23T16:31:00.001-06:00

Noah looked at me just now from his sandbox and said, "I wanna fail mommy."

I thought for a split second about trying to boost his self esteem and encourage him not to but I stopped. I stopped because I thought I about all the times I myself have not done the very thing I desire to because I was afraid to fail.

So instead I said, "That's very brave of you. Did you know that some people are afraid to fail and miss out on a lot of cool things?"

Noah was silent for awhile and kept playing. After a few minutes of quietly pushing his truck around, picking up sand and pouring it out he replied.

"I'll do it Mom, I'll fail then," he said with quiet confidence.

And there it is, our greatest fears and accomplishments all wrapped up with a messy bow. Failure. It's brave and adventurous. Gruesome. Scary. Exhilarating? Necessary.

Yesterday a woman came into MOPS to talk about stress management and something she said really struck me. She talked about playing a game against a computer and how the computer has an algorithm that knows all the different moves you could make and plays accordingly. She was relating it to how God is in control no matter our choices. He can anticipate the outcomes of our next moves and as she was speaking I remembered a speaker named Danny Silk and how he talked about God not being afraid of our failures. God placed two trees in the garden and pointed them out. He knew the potential for bad choices and yet gave Adam and Eve the freedom to fail. And he had a plan. I don't believe it caught him by surprise or threw him into a worrisome tizzy.

So I ask him for the boldness to love in the face of failure. Mine, my husbands, my boys(oh those boys), friends, strangers.

And to create, dream and step into joyful desires willing to fail and fail hard.

Even at this post! lol* Hope you're failing triumphantly today.

Falling behind and running forward

2012-12-02T07:58:00.001-07:00

So today I got my educators discount card from Barnes & Noble. All I had to do was ASK!

Now if you know me than you might know that this is a dangerous thing for me to wield as I love books and games and tools for learning. I love things that my kids might not give one hoot about. Although that may be because they are not owls. I digress.

Source: photobity.com via Erin on Pinterest

Real (cute) Owl

So I was searching for something to challenge Owen in Math as he surpassed what we already had. We've been working with money, time and fractions at home without a workbook and at one point we had a free trial for a challenging math program online called Dreambox. It was good but it was $10 a month that I didn't want to pay.

As my boys explored the toy area with Legos and a Train Set to play with I poured over curriculum of all kinds with mostly math as the focus.

Goodness there are a lot of choices. My brain felt like a computer trying to sort through what to throw out and what to keep, what would be engaging and what would not, what is too advanced or too remedial. I settled in on a Brain Quest Workbook for grade 1 because it looked like fun. It's not going to cover everything we'll go over in a year but it's a good jumping off point. I didn't get something with only math when I saw this could give us some much-needed writing prompts and a short overview of a lot of subjects. It's full of fun short exercises in many subjects and I'm hoping will be a good supplement to encourage confidence in reading, writing and math. We'll still be doing things at home utilizing the library, the internet and projects or trips made up from our own creative minds but I think this will be a good addition.

It's funny that although I know Owen may be behind in some ways according to the public schools agenda for reading and writing we've been able to go much further in other areas like science and history. Plus we get to talk about things like politics, compassion, self-control, current events and ancient religion keeps coming up again and again due to any history lesson. Owen has even developed a love of cooking fun kid food this year and of course he is still building Legos voraciously.

I feel blessed to be able to choose new experiences based on interests and passions. We're able to attend a kids class on nature science, robots, or animals as well as sitting together to read an easy reader. We're able to touch dinosaur bones and not just read about them. We can have recess with cousins or outings with friends. Last summer we spent a lot of time picking leaves, berries, acorns and pine cones to identify trees. I remember doing that in 6th grade science. :)

So I am leaving the hurt I've held on to from negatives comments and experiences Owen has had in his struggle to adapt in public school, sunday school, his enrichment courses or even in playgroups and only taking the lessons with me.

A few weeks ago I read a church sign as I drove away from Owen's homeschool enrichment classes that said, "Mistakes are lessons too." I think that has been one of the hardest things for me to resign myself with. I don't jump in just to fix everything socially or academically but I've let myself get hurt so badly watching him struggle and fail or hear other people talk about it. Being with him has helped change my view to see the passion and compassion he's filled with although his self-control and emotional maturity can still be difficult. I don't think it's fair to let it define him.

He is six.....and a boy......and was somehow born a very strong individual. Hmmm....

I'm glad to be here to guide and support him through his hard lessons, reminding myself of the character it will help to build even if we don't see it to begin with.

Last week in his Monday enrichment courses I was overjoyed to hear my son made the choice to move classes from Fitness to Habitats. He's been having a hard time with the fact that he's been in two gym classes back to back that have very flexible rules( but rules to be kept still) and the whole gym class social dynamic. Each week he'd been given the choice to participate or not to. He was choosing not to, almost every time and had been getting in trouble out of boredom on the sidelines with a friend. So after weeks of talking about it, talking to the teacher, and getting utterly frustrated I thought; "Whatever, he's only got four weeks left. He can just ride it out until next semester when we'll change what we need to."

So I was pretty amazed when I let go of the situation( stopped trying to fix it for a moment) that my son made this choice. We had discussed it a few weeks before but it was by no means resolved. Anyways, that growth to me meant so much more than anything he would've done because I had stood there and made it happen. We had disciplined, discussed and lectured but when he finally had a break and a little room to breath and think about it without my interruption he made a good choice for himself. He's growing. :)

So God please give me wisdom( and self-control!) for when to intervene, when to discuss and when to allow for freedom to fall or to succeed knowing that those moments help him to become much stronger than any safe, controlled environment ever could. God I believe you err on the side of Freedom, please help me to get there.

And thank you for these strong-willed, rambunctious, amazing boys!

Help me to guide them as they race toward their destinies, sometimes being more sure of their steps than I am.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me

2012-10-08T11:18:00.000-06:00

Technically I'm supposed to be writing a grocery list right now.

So without going into all the details I'm just going to say this past month has been a bit overwhelming but we are calming down now and having more time for each other and room to breathe.

You may already now(especially if you're friends or family) but I have two beautiful boys who are 2 and 6. We have just started our first homeschooling year for our 1st born Owen and we are finding our way. I spent the 1st month rushing forward getting kind of bossy and angry because I was stressed and pregnant and trying to figure things out. Surprise, surprise I had some opposition to this method.

So I kept( and still keep) going to God in prayer asking for wisdom and the ability to let my son make choices in this process. I've also made it a point to try and back off when I sense I'm coming on too strongly and my timing for something is off. I'm also trying to value my sons interests even when they seem frivolous to me( video games anyone?).

We're starting to have more fun with this now. Yay!

Owen's started reading here and there with his dad. Video games, bedtime stories, not big words but much more willing than with me so I'm grateful.

Last week at some point Owen woke up and wanted to work out some math problems just for fun. We did this for about 20 minutes before we ate breakfast. Fun development.

We've had lot's of new opportunities to connect with others, go on field trips, and living history days that we've had to pick and choose so as to not do too much. Trying to find a good balance.

My son loves hands on and he loves to lead. So I'm praying for ways to nurture this as well as gently challenge him to see the value in more passive learning and in working together in groups. I am also very hands on but like to stand off and observe or take it all in as well. My most cherished moments growing up were times where I could travel somewhere and experience new things in deeper ways. I'm still like that.

I've also noticed that Owen has some sensory things that bother him( some since he was a baby). I think I've given into some belief in the past that you'll get over something if you're made to do it, wear it, eat it, whatever so I haven't been quick to cater to him. I have been realizing though( with the help of my husband and other friends) that this is not always the best way to go about this. My husband helped me to see this about myself. So I'm trying to see where I've been too harsh and allow for some grace.

Example: Owen doesn't like Sunday morning worship at our church but he will happily sit through and sometimes participate in the much quieter Friday nite worship.

I used to worry that Owen hated worship altogether( he showed such a strong dislike) but he is much more respectful and willing to participate in a quieter atmosphere.

So I'm trying to give room to be different, room to have preferences and room to let him feel powerful and be respected as well. I'm trying not to bulldoze. I want to nurture a house of respect and love. Wow is that challenging. It's not all about me and my way. I think that's the 1st hurdle in giving anyone else respect young or old. I guess that can be a hurdle for a lot of things.

I thank God for my husband who fills in gaps where I lack and who has grace for me too( I am not always lovely).

I thank God for his being with me and my family every step. The word I kept standing on all month long was the promise that his mercies are new every morning. Great is Thy Faithfulness is going through my mind now. It's true though. I'd have the most exasperating day where it seemed as if everything was going wrong and the next morning I'd feel his peace and joy and I'd thank him for everything I could think of. I could feel his mercy on me and new strength to face the day.

I'm praying for the fruit of the Spirit to be evident in our household and to be led by the Spirit not only in my personal walk but in our steps forward as a family.

The Joy of the Lord is my Strength.

Back to school time when learning is everywhere

2012-07-17T10:23:00.001-06:00

Source: blog.amyatlas.com via Ebony on Pinterest

( Cute party ideas from Sweet Designs)

So even with my husbands schooling, possible job change and the idea that I may be going back to work in some capacity we are still homeschooling. So grabbing the paper two Sundays ago I picked up the ads and start flipping through the school supplies. I used to get excited about the sales and buying brand new supplies for a fresh start each year that even when Owen was too young I'd still browse the back to school stuff. Even when I went to Culinary school I bought supplies as if I was going to high school. So for years I've had folders and notebooks and a tiny dictionary and thesaurus that I've had little to no use for.
This year I noticed something really quickly as I looked over the ads......I don't need any of it. Except maybe a pack of cheap markers and a 1 penny pack of pencils just in case.

I looked again this week as if they'd have a cheap science kit on sale or books on Leonardo DaVinci (whom we've been reading about in prep for a local exhibit).

Instead a lot of my supplies have come from the thrift store or the library and an amazon gift card. I have had to suppress the urge to buy insane amounts of books because there will always be a new book we want to read and I can't buy them all. I did invest $2.99 into a children's dictionary though to encourage Owen's reading and understanding. I'm trying to get items that I know we will get good use out it and are relevant to our learning experience.

I'm excited to say that Owen read me a couple pages out of a favorite book the other day. They were pushing hard to have them all reading by the end of Kindergarten but it was turning him off to it a bit. So if we asked him to read something short at home he'd say, "I can't, I can't you read it!" and get all flustered that we even asked him. I'm trying to give him a little room because I figure he has time and an insatiable need to know things so he's got to start reading eventually. So I keep asking him to pick out books or grabbing something I know he wanted to learn about at the library and leaving it with him. We read together a lot( we finished the reading quota one month into the summer reading program this year amazingly).

Source: helloneest.com via Sabine on Pinterest

I'm wondering about recommendations for chapter books for boys as I know they can lead to further interest and learning on a variety of topics.

Noah is right there alongside his brother as we've begun to learn about dinosaurs, numbers, flying, shapes and patterns, writing and drawing. He dances, plays and repeats just about everything we say. He loves uncovering dinosaurs and fossils, trying to say parallelogram, and covering his eyes counting between 7 and 8 only and yelling "Here I come!"

So we haven't officially started yet and yet we have. We've been opening our eyes to see the learning opportunities all around us. Figuring out a rhythm to this homeschooling stuff. I'm excited and at some points I've already worried. Worried about how we are going to do all this. Or contemplating 2nd grade through 12th as if I have to have a set plan for his whole life for this one year to be successful. So I'm happy to say that is not true and I know we can take things bit by bit and change to meet Owen and Noah's needs. I have seen that Owen can lean towards the ADHD side of things but in different environments this does not seem so serious. He has to be comfortable with how he learns and know how to manage himself and we are here to guide him, to keep encouraging and to lead him in the way he should go. So God please help us to know how to lead and where to lead and give us patience and Joy in the process. Please help me not to take everything so seriously that I can't enjoy and truly be apart of things.

I realize though that my love of school supplies is tied to my love of learning and delving into new things and new adventures. So as sad as it may seem to toss aside the back to school frenzy I'm excited for new prospects. I think this attachment can be redirected into our new learning endeavors and creativity within that. Joy! :)

Maybe I can have a Back to Homeschool party to satisfy my need to celebrate.

Too adorable joyful pic-link below

Source: itshardtofindafriend.tumblr.com via Tres on Pinterest

Transition, Pulling back and letting go.

2012-06-28T09:22:00.002-06:00

Source: searchquotes.com via Mckinzie on Pinterest

So I haven't written in awhile mainly because I've been processing. Processing new choices, changes and observing a lot. We decided to home school only about a month before school ended. A lot of careful consideration has gone into this choice but it is not the only transition going on in our lives. When I sit back and look at how often we've felt as though we are in "Transition" I want to laugh because it seems to be a constant process. A process of change, fear, adapting, faith, evolving, struggling, triumph. When are we not in transition?

I think both Travis and I have held our breath time and time again waiting to arrive. I do not believe this is going to happen but I do believe we are pushing towards something greater.

I've been excited to see new developments in my boys. Watching them be creative. Hearing their thoughts. Even if they might be gibberish sometimes.

Owen and I discussed math the other day. I asked what he liked about it and where he saw it being helpful. He said he likes to make up his own math problems picturing bee's coming out of a hive and then picturing some being taken away. He counts them. Bee's have been a major subject of interest lately. Bee's in books, bee's being drawn, made out of paper and lego's, or observing them going from flower to flower.

He's also been sitting with dad watching his online photoshop course. Fascinated, wanting to try it.

Noah pretended to be a frog a few days ago. Seems to be the 1st time he's initiated pretend play not just gone along with it. We were checking the mail and he said, "Ribbit, Ribbit!" and started hopping all over the place. Then at one point he looked straight at me and said, "I'm a frog". They get so serious about their play sometimes it makes me laugh. A week or so ago at a friend's barbecue I noticed Owen intently listening to play "orders" with a furrowed brow and then explaining something of great importance to the game in his most serious voice. Play is not always play to kids, it's serious stuff. Wish I had a picture of that face. :)

I'm trying to be present more often. To be fully apart of what's going on, not trying to move on to the next thing or planning what I need to do throughout the week instead of listening. I make time for those things as well. I'm also sitting back, giving the kids room to get bored, create, figure out their own answers, learn persistence and not just rescue. My patience is constantly getting tested but what's new? We're learning to enjoy, search out, make time for ourselves and for each other, respect boundaries, etc.

I have to admit we've had our share of worries going on though. We desperately want to move but we are trying to stay thankful and keep giving it to God, praying and asking for solutions. Travis is taking two classes on top of his 40 hr work week right now. Also, Owen can sometimes have more than his share of problems with transitioning, focusing, and controlling his emotions leading me to go from a place of trust and peace to worrying about his future a little too often.

Then I see this and remember that God is in control.
“All your children will be taught by the Lord, and great will be your children’s peace” (Isaiah 54:13)

I've prayed, cried, and struggled with some decisions over my boys( especially Owen) but in the end I come to the Lord and my hearts desire is to train them up in the way they are to go. Individually and uniquely. For them to have an inner discipline, passion, creativity and a true relationship with the Lord. For them to love and to be loved. I can trust them to God and know he's placed us as parents for them with a purpose. It's amazing how much love he can give you for these little guys.

Reminder that God is so good:
Matt 7: 9-11
⁹“You parents—if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead?¹⁰Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! ¹¹So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.

So I'm asking expectantly and trusting that he will help us, guide us, and that in him we have our joy, our strength. To relax and not worry and also to press forward where we need to and that he will provide all our needs and sometimes surprisingly even our hidden wants. God is good. All the time. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Ok, we better go eat breakfast.

Source: weheartit.com via Sally on Pinterest

Questioning: Freedom, Rules & Handwashing

2012-05-20T10:09:00.000-06:00

Source: stumbleupon.com via Alexa on Pinterest

Galatians 5:1
[ Freedom in Christ ] So Christ has truly set us free. Now make sure that you stay free, and don’t get tied up again in slavery to the law.

So a few weeks ago an idea sparked my interest to search it out further in the world and in my Bible. I had had a discussion with a friend that led me to ponder our earthly set of rules and standards. Growing up I heard the words "Worldly" used many times. Do not become worldly. Worldly as I knew it to be as a youngster had to do with falling in with the wrong crowd, drinking, smoking, forgetting God or thinking yourself too good for believing. But what about the "traditions of men" that are spoken of in Mark 7 where Jesus slams the Pharisees for upholding these traditions above God's law or God's Heart?

The Pharisees are judging the disciples because they didn't wash their hands before they ate.

It made me start thinking about parenting.

It made me start thinking about rules or cultural standards we uphold and even criticize or lecture others about that have no Biblical roots. Or are just being held above God's love and forgiveness.

By the way the show Glee has been randomly making biblical discussions apart of the show. I'm all for showing teenagers as smart on television too many times they are portrayed as stupid or conniving. These kids though(2 or 3 of them) seem to have Leviticus memorized and see no difference between the Old and New Testament believing then that you would need to pick and choose what parts of the Bible are still valid or apply to your life personally. Mostly because of the plethora of rules that would be impossible to adhere to or are outdated in Leviticus.

Now we could argue why this is wrong and discuss basic theology but what I'm interested in is the fact that many times we blur the two and stop living in freedom. We get confused, we live in and around man's set of rules where power and control( many times based in fear) leak in maybe not in words but in actions and the Freedom that Christ died for gets lessened.

Colossians 2:
²⁰You have died with Christ, and he has set you free from the spiritual powers of this world. So why do you keep on following the rules of the world, such as, ²¹“Don’t handle! Don’t taste! Don’t touch!”? ²²Such rules are mere human teachings about things that deteriorate as we use them. ²³These rules may seem wise because they require strong devotion, pious self-denial, and severe bodily discipline. But they provide no help in conquering a person’s evil desires.

Are we living free?

I realize I'm leaving this post with loose ends. I'm still pondering, still praying. I want my mind to be renewed. I don't want to conform blindly not questioning.

Hmmmm..... I'll leave you with this.

Romans 12:
²Do not be conformed to this world (this age), [fashioned after and adapted to its external, superficial customs], but be transformed (changed) by the [entire] renewal of your mind [by its new ideals and its new attitude], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what is the good and acceptable and perfect will of God, even the thing which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His sight for you].

That's what I want!

Jess

God loves you!

This is good stuff- Thank you Jesus!

Studying Owen-figuring out Schooling/Driving my friends crazy

2012-04-30T17:12:00.000-06:00

So for the last couple of years I may have been driving my friends and family insane.

Source: facebook.com via Daniel Bear on Pinterest

At some point before I was even thinking about children I heard other moms saying, "You need to look into schools early because you'll have to put them on a waiting list if you want to be in a charter school or school of choice." Others were getting evaluated by teachers who would come into the home( and see my mess possibly labeling me as unfit because of my lack of organized papers, uh uh). There are public schools to check out(at least 3 elementary schools in my tiny town) and of course home schooling. I thought I'll get to it went it's relevant.

So I blissfully went along with life and eventually found out I was carrying a bouncing baby boy( most likely because he was developing inside a swimming pool). I remember seeing him on the ultrasound doing these ninja kicks and thought, "Yeah that's a boy". Still why in the world would I be researching school methods or learning styles when I hadn't even met the tyke yet. Breast-feeding was the thing I really needed to figure out at that moment. I was content learning about how his lungs were developing and once born learning how we would ever get to sleep again.

Then 4 came with 5 nipping at it's heels and I started thinking I better figure this stuff out. Along the way we've tried different school-like schedules, work sheets, had many field trips and I've answered well over a trillion questions I'm convinced. Somehow learning has been going on since he greeted us outside the womb and has never stopped. I became a teacher almost immediately teaching him 1st how to regulate his breathing when laid on my chest after birth, then how to eat, and encouraging his rolling over, words, walking, creativity, and eventually critical and empathetic thinking.

How did he learn best though and what type of schooling would be best for him? I knew some people had concrete viewpoints for one way or the other but I didn't know my own. All I had was a romanticized vision of him all ready for kindergarten with a backpack, brand-new school supplies and a handsome new outfit about to board a school bus. "Good-bye Dear Son, I shall miss you till you come back in a fortnight." Ok maybe that wasn't going to happen but I have a bit of the fanciful in me.

Something else fancy:

Source: google.com via Tara on Pinterest

I didn't really get to visit all the schools I wanted by the time we had to enroll for school so I prayed about it and felt that the public school down the road was the best choice to begin with. I still wondered but believed this was what we were supposed to do initially.

School has been interesting and a challenge. Whether public school is the right choice for Owen's future is still being determined but it has helped to answer some questions and illuminate traits in Owen that have helped me to understand him and the public school system better. I had previously thought Owen needed to be around more people to thrive academically because at home he hardly ever wanted to work on a project alone. Now I know that he needs encouragement to delve into learning on his own to build his confidence (not more people in the room). I've also learned that he is a visual-spatial learner because of a combination of book learning and observing and evaluating his responses at home and in the classroom. Especially when I was called in for the, "Why is he doing that?" meeting with his teacher, a special education teacher and some other military like kindergarten teacher. At 1st I was upset at their bewilderment and frustration but it spurred me to learn more so in the end it was helpful.

I want to write more about his learning style in depth but some things he was doing that lead me to discover his visual-spatial style were:

Tipping his chair constantly
His eyes rolling back in his head when being called to make eye contact
Daydreaming
Many times at home he would tell me what he was picturing
He has very detailed stories that he has gotten worried about translating to paper(crying even, poor boy)
He is doing better with whole-word reading than phonics(memorizes what the words look like)
I remember when he was 3 or 4 he made a Lego airplane and used it to make several exact copies
and many other things, etc, etc, etc( King and I anyone?)

I've read a plethora of books in the last 9 months or so and if you want to skip the giant bundle of books with tidbits of good information(all helpful though) I would pick up http://www.amazon.com/Visual-Spatial-Learners-Alexandra-Golon/dp/1593633246 .

It's called The Visual Spatial Learner. It is written by a teacher(and parent to 2 VS learners) to teachers or parents with the purpose of understanding this growing learning style and helping these kids to do well in school. Some other books seem almost negative(towards schools or towards the learning style) and in some teachers viewpoints learning styles equals learning problem( which I believe is not true). I've noticed that it seems as though people believe that visual-spatial learning and dyslexia, ADD or ADHD go hand in hand(which it can) but may I suggest that we begin to look at our children's learning to see the strengths because they may be having a problem in school because there is not an understanding of how these learners thrive. They are inventors and visionaries. They look at things in ways others can't, creating multiple solutions to problems they find and there are techniques that help those worrisome things like reading and writing become simpler and less frustrating for both student and parent(and research papers, book reports, showing math work, etc). I'm not saying that dyslexia, ADD or ADHD don't exist but I do think there is more to look at and consider.

Like this:

Source: pindar.info via Maybelle on Pinterest

I read in an ADHD magazine that some amount of "Nature Therapy"(spending time outside playing, discovering, resting) helps dramatically with the focus of ADHD students in the classroom. It made me wonder about the need for more free time as opposed to more scheduling and more testing.

Here's some online nature therapy while you read:

Source: greenlikebathwater.tumblr.com via Charlotte on Pinterest

So I still have to decide about Owen's schooling for next year and down the road but I feel confident that this information has equipped me to understand my son and maybe even myself better. I have a much better idea of what he needs and how I can advocate for him if I have to. I'm starting to think we are more alike than I thought but he is still so much like his dad. We have a whole family of very unique learners in different ways. It will be fun to discover Noah's strengths as he gets older. So far I know that he is head strong wanting to do everything on his own starting and the age of 1. I know we all think our kids are like that but you should have seen him climbing the mountains at the Rocky Mountain National Park this weekend.

Me: "Noah we need to come where everyone else is."
Noah: "No"
Me: "You want to climb higher?"
Noah: "Uh huh"
Me: "Noah this is too far we have to go back down."
Noah: "No."
Me: "Ok we're going."
Noah: "Nooooooooo!", while running higher and higher.

I eventually grabbed him and attempted scooting down the mountain while he kicked and screamed. I didn't fall......but it was awkward. That boy.

I apologize to all my friends and family who have heard me waffling through this learning/schooling research. I promise I am coming over to the side of clear decisiveness. Darn you open mind. :)

Mental Pillow Fight

2012-04-21T09:22:00.004-06:00

Source: lightbox.time.com via Yvonne on Pinterest

Lately I've had some sleep issues. Sometimes it seems as though going to bed an hour later than normal signals to my brain to go into hyperdrive. Where as I lay down my brain thinks I must organize every thought for my current and distant future until I know all the secrets of the universe. Well I do not know all the secrets of the universe yet and I do not believe that I am going to accomplish this at any point while drifting in and out of consciousness. At this point my brain alternates trying to solve all my problems with worrying about anything you can imagine to worry about in a nonsensical manner.

My brain says, "Remember those people that were nice to you earlier?"

"Yes", I say as I try to roll over to sleep.

"Maybe they thought you were stupid."

"I don't think so, they were nice." I think in my grogginess.

"Well you never know do you?"

"I'm trying to sleep, shut up!", I think.

Then I continue to lay there half thinking ridiculous thoughts, half ignoring them trying to sleep.

So I've cut out caffeine recently. Just like a diet though as soon as my mind realizes that I'm going to deny myself something it begins to think I need it more than anything life could ever offer. I may drink a cup of coffee every other day but now my mind believes I just might need it everyday and starts to romanticize the act of drinking coffee.

My brain-"Remember how wonderful it was to get a cup of coffee at Barnes & Noble and sit down and read while Owen played at the train table?"

Me-"Um, that was 3 years ago."

My brain-"But it was so wonderful."

Me-"Well not only is that not an option with Noah the boisterous 2 yr old but I get shaky when I drink coffee and haven't slept well."

My brain-"But it would be wonderful."

Me-"You're grasping."

Which reminds me I went out with the boys to the mall the other day and Family Christian Bookstore had travel mugs for $5. I wanted to get one to carry my DECAF-earl grey I treated myself to buying last week. I picked up several different mugs with various designs and scriptures on them to see which one I liked. One of them had cute little coffee cups all over it and had the scripture, "Be still and know that I am God." I was struck by the irony of downing caffeine and then struggling to still my thoughts to hear from God and I just couldn't buy it. Felt hypocritical. :)

Source: seahorsesweets.com via Jody on Pinterest

I'm listening God!

So I picked out a forest scene with the words, "May the peace of God be with you always." Since that would be what I am going for right now.

Source: Uploaded by user via Heather on Pinterest

I've also recently put down Christian self-help books for the moment. Any book other than the bible teaching about anything. I need a mental break, a bit of chosen silence, waiting on God without the aid of other people experiences/teachings/etc. I need simplicity. More music, more art, less talk. More nature, less pie charts. More community, less memoirs. More God, less worry, less self-help, more joy. More him, less me?

I trust my sleep will come in line as I trust him and let go more.

I saw a quote somewhere in my pinterest wanderings, "To let go is to fear less, Trust in God more and freely give the love he's given to me."

I just want to go one step further and remind you that you have to accept His Love 1st before you'll be free to give it out. You don't deserve it. The point is that Jesus died so that you don't have to try to deserve it anymore. He loved us enough to tear the curtain between us and him. To say I will fulfill the law so that we can be together. It's not just about eternal life or living up to a new set of impossible rules it's about an extravagant love that cares about our every need and desire.

Once I had a dream that showed I had a desire in my heart for accompaniment to a song I wanted to sing and God heard my thoughts and someone came up to play guitar alongside me. He said he was tuned to my heart.

Before Noah was born I had hoped secretly to have Noah on Friday the 9th of April before Travis went to work so I wouldn't have to call him back and worry about getting to the hospital. I was getting large and uncomfortable and I thought, "Travis would have the whole weekend off, my sister-in-law would be town, it would be perfect timing." I didn't pray it because it seemed like a silly thing to ask God. Friday morning though I went into labor and Travis was with me every step of the way. I was able to labor at home some and like I had been praying I didn't need the epidural(because I wanted to recover faster and hold my baby without being too tired). I also prayed that there would be peace over this baby and this birth and when I was handed Noah I felt this incredible peace and joy wash over me. I was so blessed in this birth and felt my prayers were more than answered. God cared about my secret desires as well.

Psalm 37:4
Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Source: thoughts-of-a-jesus-freak.tumblr.com via Cloud9 Design on Pinterest

And here's a song I like:

Jess :)

Being weird and liking it

2012-03-11T15:16:00.007-06:00

Source: tumblr.com via Amanda on Pinterest

Yes, Yes, Yes, and because we're awesome!

After having some frustrating weeks and not feeling inspired to write anything of importance for weeks I've decided- Who Cares I'm writing something.

I've been reading http://www.scoutiegirl.com/ .

The other day she wrote about declaring your desires out loud. Not being afraid to say want you want. Because if we are afraid to be honest about where we want to go out to eat how can we have the boldness we need for our creativity and pushing forward towards our dreams and desires.

God's been speaking to me about being comfortable with who I am. Because I am made with a purpose. If I live in fear of potential success or failure I am stuck in one place feeling boxed in and unhappy. But I'm unhappy out of my own making because I want to move, I want to change and progress and I want to be used. I need to be comfortable enough that I get up off my chair and move when I hear him say to.

Source: theomartins.tumblr.com via Colleen Cassandra on Pinterest

How do I do this though? How do I push past insecurities and fear of my own pride to get to my destiny?

For me, I've had to believe.

Believe how he see's me, not what someone's said about me.

Believe he cares about my heart's desires.

Believe that he's there with Grace enough for my mistakes in moving forward.

But you have to move forward. Otherwise that fear that is still there just happy to keep you paralyzed. The more you agree with him though, the less that fear has control because you know it's a lie.

Source: Uploaded by user via Hannah on Pinterest

Things about me:

So sometimes I put my foot in my mouth. Or a couple. Or I just share too much and it's awkward.

Honesty is important to me and reconciliation even at the expense of my pride.

I care about your story, whoever you are.

I love to sing.

Sometimes I want to hug people I don't know very well or obviously don't want a hug. lol*

I like to know the facts.

Honor and worth of others is important.

I like seeing the gifts(spiritual and natural) in others so I can encourage them.

I love seeing God's principal's and character in nature and media, helping me to connect with God's word and truth in my life.

I'm a bit of a nerd and I think that's cool.

Things about God:

He likes me that way.

Source: imgfave.com via Brittany on Pinterest

What about you?

Source: emilyabigail.com via Mandy on Pinterest

Valentine's on the Cheap

2012-02-13T19:32:00.004-07:00

Source: savvyhousekeeping.com via Dalia on Pinterest

Valentine's Day kind of snuck up on me this year. Not that I didn't know it was coming but my life has sort of sucked all the money out of me. My car, my kids getting sick, feeding other humans in my household, the usual. So since I'd still like to go out on this most romantic of Tuesdays this February I must think outside the box. Thankfully for me I live outside the box.

Magazines and such like to suggest a home cooked meal to show your significant other how much you care. I say no. I am a stay at home mom right now and although I enjoy cooking I'd like a break. Especially since my audience usually wants chicken nuggets and mac n' cheese.

I suggest checking out your online options. Places like Groupon, Livingsocial & plumdistrict have daily deals, many of which include getaways, spa days, food, & fun activities. You just pay in advance and print or show your voucher on your phone and you can get up to 75% off your date. I recently bought 2 admissions to an Ice Castle in Silverthorne thinking it would make a fun future date.

Source: wallpapers.free-review.net via Nancy on Pinterest

Check out Kidspages.org, a website with a calender of local fun things to do with your kids. It's great because each day it shows what's going on in the Denver area. It shows free events, discounts on theater tickets, free passes to museums in the area, displays restaurants where kids eat free as well as paid activities going on. So if I'm stuck on what to do or want to plan for certain day I check there 1st.

I found out on kidspages that the Denver Center for Performing Arts will put several tickets on sale for $10 at 10am tomorrow morning. So I'm going to check it out to see if Trav & I might catch a show tomorrow.

Caribou Coffee sent me a coupon for Bogo drinks on Valentine's Day and I'm considering the whole "Make Out" discount to get a free burrito at Qdoba. Apparently if you kiss your significant other in front of your server you get FREE FOOD( a bit creepy, slightly romantic). It may not be my dream dinner but it fits my current "dream budget" so I'll think about it.

Sign up for e-mails from every place you might consider eating if you want free birthday food and quite a bit of coupons. Mostly casual and upscale casual restaurants do this. Some fancier places are included on restaurant.com and in entertainment coupon books.

Also, If you're trying to save this Valentine's day don't forget romantic but cheap things like ice skating but most of all think of your significant other. It doesn't have to cost a lot to spend quality time together. I think having fun and forgetting your day to day worries to remember why you are together in the 1st place is what's most important.

Source: theapplecollection.com via Blair on Pinterest

Jess

Yelling into pillows & other practical dinnertime advice

2012-02-01T08:59:00.010-07:00

(Noah after we gave up on feeding him and just gave him a bath)

So I've(or we've) been having a rough few days.

I'm happy to say that after about a week of emotional run-ins with my 5 yr old about school and quality time and the demise of extended periods of video game play my son is going to school without any crying! Somehow though this has morphed into very upsetting dinners. Both Owen and his 22 mo brother have been making dinnertime nothing short of torturous lately. I think Travis and I becoming a little unhinged with the challenge of it all. The baby scream-cried all through dinner 2 days ago and couldn't eat because we think Travis may have touched him with a hand that was cutting Habaneros. Mind you Travis washed his hands about 5 times before he touched him but those peppers are crazy. Last nite or a day, a shower and several handwashings later my husbands hands are still burning and our children are still making dinnertime difficult.

So we are brainstorming on how to release the tension from our dinnertime. We are mentally finished with staring at our 5 yr old not eating for no apparent reason day after day.

Now I don't believe in completely catering to your kids growing list of food demands. I try to make things that everyone can eat and although children enjoy finger foods I can't see myself making them for every meal.

This website may help with finding healthy foods that kids like: http://www.kidkritics.com/index.cfm?page=products&pg_start=301&pg_current=4&tagID=0&manufacturerID=0&keyword=

It has kids between 5 and 14 blind taste test products. They give an approval to foods that get 70% positive or above.

I didn't really find any answers for issues with my 5 yr old here but it talks about toddlers and food and some of the suggestions are pretty universal: http://www.babble.com/toddler/toddler-feeding-nutrition/mealtime-tips/

Plus it looks like a helpful new parenting site for me to glean from.

I think Chill Out is pretty good advice. Also they are not going to die, you are not going to die.

And my personal favorite: Their (or anyone else's) actions do not have to dictate my peace or happiness. They are not eating and having a hard time trying new things, etc but it will pass and not being upset usually seems like the 1st thing you have to change for the experience to change.

The problem I have with Owen( 5 yr old) is he finds sitting at our table to eat a bore. Which seems to affect his attitude on anything we eat whether he likes the food or not. So I'm considering switching it up a few a days a week and soon. For toddlers babble.com suggests to eat with him, lower distractions and focus on conversation. Which is what we always do. Owen is constantly grabbing at anything that could distract him on the table( pen, ripped piece of paper, toy, whatever is closest to him.) It's like he has food ADD!

Ideas to release compressed irritation from these mealtimes:

Picnic on the floor

Taking a walk and bringing filling snacks( fruit, veg, protein)

Cheap nite out

Healthy kid friendly meal made with Owen( so he has more pride in what is put on the table)

Yelling into a pillow before we eat dinner( jk)

Ideas for healthy kid friendly meals:

http://blog.superhealthykids.com/

http://familyfun.go.com/recipes/dinners-kids-love-photo-gallery-848222/

http://mealmakeovermoms.com/

http://www.thesneakychef.com/ ( I don't mind being sneaky as long as you still offer fruit & veg)

Last piece of advice for myself or anyone listening- Be Thankful! Remember what's going well. My son was distracted last nite by just about anything around him but both him and my toddler were scarfing down mushrooms and bok choy without hesitation.

Also when you think about all the effort you put into dinner and how you gathered your food from afar and no one is showing you appreciation don't say you are like the Proverbs 31 woman and they better RECOGNIZE! They won't get it and you're just being weird now.

Written by,

A proud mom of two very independent and creative boys. :)

Adventures in Self-Control

2012-01-24T12:59:00.010-07:00

Source: positivelysplendid.com via Kim on Pinterest

Psalm 19:14
May the words of my mouth
and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing to you,
O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.

One of the things I've been praying for this year is for our household to speak words of life, encouragement, respect and love to each other instead of the alternative. Stepping back from just letting life happen to me and seeing how my house runs was quite an eye-opener. All over the place people are ignoring each other and making tasks or entertainment more important than relationship. We are quick to anger, slow to forgive with performance seeming to be the salve to our wounds. I'm hearing belittling instead of encouraging and self is being lifted higher than our connections together. Unacceptable. And I'm definitely included in this disappointing scenario.

Now don't get me wrong everyone has bad days and things that make them quicker to anger.

But this was becoming our norm not the exception. So I've been praying.

And the thing about praying about this kind of change is that it requires action.

You can't pray, "Oh God get me out of this mess."; thinking you have nothing to do with the equation. I heard somewhere that the mother is responsible for creating the atmosphere in her own home. And then I read this:

A wise woman builds her home. But the foolish woman tears it down with her own hands. Proverbs 14:1

Guess I have some responsibility here.

Source: google.com via Faith on Pinterest

So I started by apologizing to my son Owen for fighting with daddy in front of him and for my disrespectful and unloving words. I told him that I want this to change in our house and I want it to change in me. If you want accountability tell your five year old because they will call you on your bad behavior no problem.

With my sons I try to encourage them in their passions and in perseverance for the harder things reminding them of how amazing they are. And with my husband I'm trying to check myself. Should I say this? Am I being sensitive, respectful, encouraging? I know I've got sensitivity blind spots right now so I'm praying that God would show them to me in a way I can handle. Grace. Mercy. Love.

So I'm straightening out my path before me( see proverbs below).

Source: anchor-s.tumblr.com via Christine on Pinterest

Trying to proactively change the atmosphere in my home with the Lord's help. Spending more time with God because out relationship with him comes peace, security, confidence, and so many more things. But the peace guards your heart out of which comes the wellsprings of life; making it easier to change the course of my words into words that are full of love instead of negativity.

Proverbs 4:20-27
20 My child, pay attention to what I say.
Listen carefully to my words.
21 Don’t lose sight of them.
Let them penetrate deep into your heart,
22 for they bring life to those who find them,
and healing to their whole body.
23 Guard your heart above all else,
for it determines the course of your life.
24 Avoid all perverse talk;
stay away from corrupt speech.
25 Look straight ahead,
and fix your eyes on what lies before you.
26 Mark out a straight path for your feet;
stay on the safe path.
27 Don’t get sidetracked;
keep your feet from following evil.

Phil 4:7
Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Love this guy!

Proverbs 4:20-27

Karma?

2012-01-12T14:54:00.006-07:00

I remember when I 1st got pregnant with my son Noah, how everyone assumed that he would be a girl. Not because of any scientific knowledge but based on the fact that I already had a boy.

How could I ever have another one?

Source: designspiration.net via Cat on Pinterest

These days when I talk about my son Noah attempting to jump off bunk beds, grab hot coffee, and run for exits everywhere I go most people say, "So your 1st son must be calm, right?"

Wrong.

My 1st son tried to climb up onto his changing table and into a window at about 9 months and he is usually full of more drama than I ever know what to do with.

So why is it that time and time again people assume that everything evens out in the end? Is this considered to be positive thinking or polite? Do we not like to believe that things could end up entirely different than you may have pictured? There are so many things that are out of our control. But would it be any better if it were in our control?

Would we want our children to be different?

Would we want our past to be different?

Would we want the outcome of everything turning out the way we'd planned?

I say no.

Jess

Tomorrow is another day, fresh with no mistakes in it

2012-01-07T14:37:00.004-07:00

Psalm 92:4
You thrill me, Lord, with all you have done for me! I sing for joy because of what you have done.

Source: tree-huggers.tumblr.com via Hope on Pinterest

I've been in kind of a funk this week. Ups and downs, good news and bad news. Last night was pretty bad as was this morning but there's always second chances.
Last night I had it with my 5 yr son who with renewed interest and vigor was ignoring me and doing whatever he wanted. He was also throwing himself on the ground and crying over his snack choices, tv show choices, seating choices, etc.

Source: google.ca via Cath on Pinterest

It was kinda like that.......over everything. So by nights end when it happened during storytime I went a little ballistic.
It looked nothing like this--->

Source: annetaintor.com via Marlene on Pinterest

After my explosion he went to his room and I put myself in the corner. I just sat next to my window frustrated praying and waiting for my anger to subside so I could do what I knew I needed to do which was to apologize. I didn't want to say sorry but you did......laundry list that makes it ok for me to be a jerk. I wanted to truly be sorry so my going in there would have purpose. Finally I calmed down, went in and said sorry and we had a good conversation. Then Owen, Noah and I all got in Owen's bed to read a few stories and go to sleep.
Today I had to get my attitude in check again after not communicating well with my husband. I realized a few things though. I am sick, I stopped caffeine this week, and I can't walk very well on my right foot. Things that don't help my mood although they shouldn't control it either. So today decided that I would take things into my own hands.

Source: flickr.com via Hope on Pinterest

Noah and I went to the Railroad Museum in town since my husband and 5yr old weren't interested. Noah and I climbed in and out of choo-choos and even paid a little extra to ride a train powered by a car engine. As I sat in the train car I began to perk up. I wasn't going past anything all that exciting but as we passed some old historic trains something nostalgic rose up in me. I remembered playing outside as kid and making things out of twigs and leaves and anything I could find. And I love history and my heart almost bursts when I see people pay homage to those that have come before us.

Anyways, I bought my husband some flowers after the train excursion and my 5yr old a Power Ranger on clearance just to say I loved them. I'm glad I have 2nd chances. I'm glad I'm not defined my shortcomings, mistakes and weeks that get stuck in funk.

This is to God, my husband and sons--->

Source: thesplitstitch.com via Cindy on Pinterest

Love, Jess

Breakfast Cookies

2012-01-04T09:36:00.006-07:00

I thought I'd share this recipe since our family has recently made it a staple.

To me they taste like a cross between a good bran muffin and an oatmeal cookie.
What's most important though is that one batch is devoured is just a couple days and that's with mom(me) guarding them from secret eating.

Secret Eating- http://www.homestarrunner.com/marshie.html

The recipe is from the Sneaky Chef. I highly recommend her books. It sounds odd to put purees of vegetables or fruits in your food but I think it can take a lot of stress out of mealtime with toddlers. You still expect them to try at least a small amount of new things( new flavors, new veggies) but you're also getting them the nutrition they need without yelling "EAT IT!". Not that I would ever do that. This recipe does not have sneaky veggies though it is just a healthier "cookie".

This cookie has: Whole grains, calcium, protein, vitamins B & E, iron, potassium, folic acid & fiber

Breakfast Cookies & Milk:

2 cups whole grain cereal flakes(like wheaties or total)
3/4 cup flour mix( see below)
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp cinnamon
1 large egg
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup canola oil
2 tsp vanilla
3/4 ricotta cheese
cinnamon sugar for dusting

Flour mix(make ahead recipe):
1 cup all purpose unbleached white flour
1 cup whole wheat flour
1 cup wheat germ( or flax meal is what I used)

Directions-

Preheat oven to 375 degrees and line a baking sheet w/parchment( or spray w/oil).
Using a rolling pin, gently crush the cereal( in a sealed plastic bag) into coarsely crushed flakes. They can also be pulsed in a food processor.
In a large mixing bowl, whisk together the flour mix, crushed cereal, baking soda, salt and cinnamon. In another bowl, whisk together the egg, sugar, oil, vanilla and ricotta cheese. Add the dry ingredients to the wet and mmix just enough to moisten the dry ingredients.
Drop spoonfuls onto the baking sheets, leaving about an inch between cookies. Sprinkle with cinnamon sugar(tastes good without as well). Bake about 16 to 18 minutes, or until nicely browned and a bit crispy around the edges.

They should look like this-

And this is what happens when you try to take a picture of cookies-

Enjoy!

Taste & See Classes Rough Draft

2010-08-10T17:32:00.000-06:00

Taste & See:
Picky Eater workshops and Cooking Adventures!

Class Objectives- To give parents and kids the tools to make good nutritious choices be excited about trying new things and to be connected with where our food comes from. Diving into a world where we use our senses to critique and make choices about new foods without living in “food fear.” All while having lots of food fun!

Classes:

Picky Eaters tasting workshops( or Choose Your Own Adventure!)- Foods are put into 2 or 3 categories starting with more familiar foods moving onto the more adventurous. Kids are encouraged to use all five senses to make opinions on spices, herbs, fruits and veggies. Kids will vote on trying one or more new items in a dish we will all help prepare and will take home a few recipes to try at home. Every class will touch on the importance of a balanced diet, the adventure of trying new things to figure out our own opinions, helping out in the kitchen and how different foods help our bodies. Every class has a different ending and we all leave with the pledge to be an adventurous eater trying at least one new thing a week!

How not to raise a Picky Kid!( Parents Session)- We all know that the main problem with teaching our kids to eat right is the power of free will. Here we will learn the tools to take home to help out even the pickiest kid. As a mom( and chef) of one very self- reliant, strong willed 4 yr old boy I have been through it all and want to pass on the knowledge. We will talk about defusing dinnertime battles, teaching our kids how to make good nutritious choices by getting them involved ( encouraging their independence and creativity) and not unknowingly adding to the problem.

We will choose one cheap and fast healthy meal to try during the class.

Each class goes home with recipes to try and the knowledge to begin cooking adventures with our kids!

Food Adventure Tours- Food Field trips for kids (parents can come along too!). Taking a tip from Mister Rogers and Sesame Street kids will get to know their culinary neighbors (or the people in their neighborhood) on a fun food tour. We will learn about where our food comes from and what it takes to get it to our table touring local artisans and farms. This will help to encourage independent nutritious choice while having fun and learning something new.