Jalopy's Blogger

Support Finding the Somnogen

2014-06-01T03:45:00.001-05:00

"I believe that discovering the mystery somnogen holds the key to curing Hypersomnia once and for all"
Dr. David Rye
Support Finding the Somnogen

Idiopathic Hypersomnia - How You Can Help (and get a key ring too!)

2014-05-21T23:08:00.001-05:00

World Environment Day Challenge - Join a Team! Im playing with Ian Somerhalder! #WED2014

2014-05-20T23:15:00.001-05:00

Join
me and make a commitment to helping out our greatest of mothers, Mother Earth.
We have only one planet and she is hurting. It does not matter what you
believes are... It is what you see with your eyes, feel with your heart, and
know with your soul... Our planet is hurting, it is sick, and it needs our
help. Stand up. Make better decisions and find one thing you can do this year
that will benefit this world. Maybe it is planting a tree or getting your
apartment complex to have a recycling program... Whatever it is, I am sure it
will be amazing. Every little bit helps. Do not think that just because you are
one person that you cannot accomplish something big. If we all work together,
we can accomplish a lot. All humans are in this together. If we all do something,
we can make a huge impact and I am positive our greatest of mothers will think
us.

World Environment Day Challenge - Join a Team! Im playing with Ian Somerhalder! #WED2014

Petition | They wanted to study but they were abducted! - Please Bring them Back! #BringBackOurGirls | English

2014-05-15T13:26:00.001-05:00

Petition | They wanted to study but they were abducted! - Please Bring them Back! #BringBackOurGirls | English

AGENDA 21 REVEALED - Fema Camps & DePopulation Plans from the ELITE to C...

2013-10-06T06:12:00.001-05:00

DEPOPULATION AGENDA - Plan to Kill 6 Billion People (Bill Gates, Bernank...

2013-10-06T05:43:00.001-05:00

DEPOPULATION is the plan

2013-10-06T05:26:00.001-05:00

The shocking truth about what's really in vaccines: Mercury, MSG, Formal...

2013-10-06T05:08:00.001-05:00

Totally love this! Even if you don't believe all of it, keep watching until the end! It might start to make some sense to ya!

Terri Clark - My Unsung Hero(Special Olympics Version)

2013-01-10T04:01:00.001-06:00

An antidote for hypersomnia | Emory University | Atlanta, GA

2012-12-19T11:23:00.001-06:00

An antidote for hypersomnia | Emory University | Atlanta, GA

Shop Amazon Gift Cards - Perfect Gifts Anytime

2012 IWFL Western Conference Championship 07/14 by Independent Sports Network | Blog Talk Radio

2012-07-14T16:51:00.001-05:00

This is what I'm trying to listen too but it keeps stopping on me & what sucks is all I keep hearing is Sacramento is up by ___ & then it kicks me off! :(
Not very happy about that at all but now it seems to be working and they are on break so I've got music, dam good music too, just had to turn it down cuz it almost blow my eardrums out!
Yes, I know I'm listening to football and no it has nothing to do with me being sick, I swear I haven't lost it, don't have a fever, and I don't need medical attention, promise. I'm listening to it because I haven't been ever able to attend or see my friend Holly Barrett play and I support my friends in their dreams, achievements, etc. The Warriors have had an amazing season and I'm hoping that they win today, cause I know how much this would mean to Holly and the whole Wisconsin Warriors as a team as well as individually. So, got about 1 hour left. *Cross your fingers & Scream Go Warriors!*

2012 IWFL Western Conference Championship 07/14 by Independent Sports Network | Blog Talk Radio

Does Klout Matter? Video & How Each Of Y'all Can Help

2012-07-12T17:32:00.001-05:00

About Klouts

I have sent out to all my Facebook people a link to my Klout page. I am not expecting y'all to do wonders. I'm just asking to y'all take the time to go Klout and fill it out as it will not take long at all. If I influence you, please go to my Klout page and as me as an influencer. In addition, I'm also looking to know how I influence you as this will give me more ideas for my blogging. Klouts does look for keywords that seem to be more influencial but I really would like to know what each of my follows are influenced by as I can focus more on those topics. I know not all of you are knowledgeable on Social Media or the ends and outs of the interenet. I have no problem helping any of y'all understand how this works but your best bet is Youtube or Google.

In addition, I've been working really hard to connect all my accounts together. I'm all over the Internet and somethings have been connected for a long time but other things haven't been or aren't exactly right so I'm working on that. Therefore, my time at the moment is drained. Not to mention, I've been helping out my family for several months now and this has drained my time even more as regards to getting online or having enough quite time to sit down and have time to write. I can't seem to write when I'm distracted because I can lose everything I was thinking and so it will get all jumbled, like it might be right now because the whole family just showed up when I started typing this out.

Another update, I have started a Tumblr because I have had a few issues with Blogger and all the scripting. I may switch but I might use both and have my blogs in both places. I haven't decided. I will also, hopefully soon, be getting the chance to work on all the broken links, other issues, and maybe be able to write something (if all the crazy chaos stops) on my Hubpages.

I hope all my readers are doing well. Best Wishes! Keep on smiling and loving those around you. Peace can come to each and every human being. One Planet! One Life! Many Choices! Choose Wisely!

Follow me on Twitter
Add me to your circle on Google+
Find me on Facebook

Shop Amazon - Children's Books
Shop Amazon Software - New Norton 2013 - Get the Latest Protection

Help Me Write More

2012-02-27T03:41:00.001-06:00

Raise Money Online

Understanding Hypersomnia & Its Affects

2011-05-13T11:51:00.003-05:00

In the past, I have talked about this subject a great deal but this evening, when trying to come up with a topic, I was not sure what to talk about, and this seemed like a good topic to cover once again because it has affected my life dramatically.

For those of you who have read my blogs, you may recall me talking about Hypersomnia. I was first diagnosed with what is called Healthy Hypersomnia and then later this diagnosis was changed to Idiopathic Hypersomnia. These are two different things according to doctors but really they are very similar.

So what is Hypersomnia?

Hypersomnia is a sleep disorder that causes patients to sleep excessively. It is usually caused by a chemical imbalance either by medications or by chemicals naturally released in the human body. Some patients experience symptoms of Hypersomnia because of other medical problem such as Sleep Apnea.

Sleep Apnea is a sleep disorder in which a person has difficulty breathing, while they are asleep. This can include holding one’s breath or not breathing for brief moments throughout their sleep. There are several reasons behind Sleep Apnea. Some of these reasons include being overweight, asthma, allergies, G.E.R.D, the tongue blocking the airways, etc.

I did have Sleep Apnea and sometimes still have episodes but it has always been “Secondary” to my Hypersomnia.

“Secondary”, means they are not the reason for the Hypersomnia but are still present. Secondary Medical Problems do not cause Primary Medical Problems.

Primary Medical Problems are the main source or root of a patient’s symptoms. Doctors try to treat these first to eliminate or lessen symptoms of a Secondary Medical Problem.

Sometimes doctors also have to treat the Secondary Medical Problem. However, treating the Primary Medical Problem may reduce the amount of medication needed to treat the Secondary Medical Problem as well as possibly eliminating the need for treatment of any Secondary Conditions.

Kindle, Wi-Fi, Graphite, 6" Display with New E Ink Pearl Technology - includes Special Offers & Sponsored Screensavers

A patient can still have Hypersomnia and Sleep Apnea together without them causing one another. Still, a Secondary Medical Problem such as Sleep Apnea can increase the overall symptoms of the Hypersomnia.

However, Hypersomnia is often genetic and most types of Hypersomnia tend to run in families.

Symptoms of Hypersomnia include feeling extremely tired during the day even when the patient has received ample amounts of sleep, falling asleep at unexpected times due to lack of proper sleep, never feeling refreshed, and finding that you spend more time sleeping then you do awake.

Other symptoms include difficulty remembering things and Sleep Drunkenness.

Patients who suffer from Hypersomnia have difficulty remembering things for several reasons. One reason is that they may not be fully awake at the time that they are supposed to recall something and maybe fuzzy about the exact details.

Sleep Drunkenness is primarily associated with Hypersomnia patients. It is characterized by the patient not being alert and not being fully aware of the things going on around them, for a prolonged period after being aroused. Sleep Drunkenness is also characterized by automatic behaviors, disorientation, exhaustion, and unsteadiness.

In addition, patients can easily go back to sleep during these periods and can often look like they are Sleepwalking. Sleepwalking is Sleep Drunkenness.

Patients who suffer from Sleep Drunkenness need to be extra careful when they first wake up and should not get behind the wheel until they are sure they are fully awake. In addition, patients should not be left alone because they can easily put themselves in danger.

Patients with Hypersomnia do qualify for a Service Animal under the Disabilities Act. Patients with Hypersomnia can choose to have either a Psychiatric Service Animal (PSA) or Emotional Support Animal (ESA).

A Psychiatric Service Animal is individually trained either by a licensed service animal training group or by the disabled individual themselves. Their training can include attempting to wake up the patient suffering from Hypersomnia, informing others that there is someone within a residence, notify the patient or others that there is a danger (burglar, fire, flood, tornado, etc.) and act as a “deterrent” when the patient cannot be aroused.

Narcolepsy and Hypersomnia (Lung Biology in Health and Disease)

Emotional Support Animals are pets that are owned by a disabled person. They are not Service Animals and are not "individually trained to do work or perform tasks" that assist you with your disability.

These animals are there to provide comfort and security for patients suffering from Hypersomnia. Sense, Hypersomnics are both prone to Sleep Drunkenness and difficulty in being aroused, these animals can save a Hypersomnics’ life.

Here is a great example from my life. One day, while living with friends, I arose from bed with my service animal following right behind me. I was in the middle of a Sleep Drunkenness episode. I walked to the restroom and then headed for the kitchen.

I went to the fridge and grabbed the new carton of eggs. I then picked up a pan and began cooking eggs. After cooking them, I sat down with my dog, and we enjoyed eggs together on the floor. I then, headed back to bed completely unaware that I had just eaten eggs with my dog.

The whole time my friends were trying to grab my attention but could not. I do not remember any of this and only found out shortly after I woke up completely, which was several hours later. I am sure my dog got more eggs than I did and was more than happy to help me eat them but that is not the point.

The point is I cooked, while I was asleep. I did turn off the stove and lucky for me there were people around watching me. If I had not, I might have easily started a fire and been unable to put it out or be aware that I started it in the first place.

Sleep Specialists know very little about many types of Hypersomnia. When a specialist is presented with a patient who they cannot diagnose with an identified Hypersomnia or the patient does not fit that diagnoses completely, many doctors will diagnose that patient with Healthy Hypersomnia.

Healthy Hypersomnia is a general diagnoses used with Long Sleepers. It means the physician is unable to make a complete diagnosis at this time and more information or research is needed to determine the patient’s exact sleeping disorder but they can determine that it is some type of Hypersomnia.

A patient that is referred to as a Long Sleeper is described as a person with an usual sleep patterns or behaviors. Hypersomnics fall into Dyssomnias group of Long Sleepers. Dyssomnias is a broad classification of primary disorders that include both Hypersomnia (excessive sleep) and Insomnia (inability to fall asleep or stay asleep); they are categorized by a disturbance in the amount, quality, or timing of sleep.

The specialist view this type of Hypersomnia as being possibly “Healthy” for the patient sense the patient has no other medical issues that could be the “Primary” cause of the overall Hypersomnia and its symptoms. However, this general diagnosis is actually misleading by its own name.

Reflections (Sean Summers & Hypersomnia Chillout Mix)

It maybe how your body was designed to run but overall it is not actually “Healthy”. Hypersomnia may be natural to your body. However, it can severely interfere with a patient’s life. Patients with Hypersomnia should get in, as many extra hours of sleep; their bodies will allow and should schedule as much sleep in as possible, including naps.

So how is Hypersomnia bad for you?

Well the simple answer is that because patients with Hypersomnia require extensive amounts of sleep, which can exceed 12 hours a day. When a patient sleeps at least half the day or longer, their lives become affected dramatically.

Some of the things Hypersomnia effects are family relationships, finances, friendships, sexual relationships, work history, etc. These are just a few and all of them add up to many patients with Hypersomnia feeling alone, isolated from their peers, and loved ones.

The hardest thing for anyone with Hypersomnia to understand and get past is that they may not have control over their complete sleeping requirements but they are still important. Often patients with Hypersomnia feel that even their loved ones do not understand them and therefore, only find comfort from others with similar sleep issues.

In today’s world, one would think that there would be a lot of support for patients suffering from Hypersomnia but in truth there are only a select resources and many of them are in major cities. It is important to try to find a support group as well as to attempt to educate your loved ones on Hypersomnia, even if they do not seem to understand it.

I for one have this issue. My family still thinks it is possible for me to control my sleep. I often sleep through countless alarm clocks and find even when people attempt to wake me up that my Sleep Drunkenness is so believable that I am able to drift back to sleep easily without remembering I was even awake.

My primary sleep disorder has cause major issues in my life, including financial instability and isolation from my peers. I often hear things like “Didn’t you set your alarm?” or “I don’t understand, why you didn’t get up, if you set your alarm.” or “I woke you up, why didn’t you stay up?” or even, “You’re just so lazy, you’ll never get anywhere in life, if you continue to be so lazy.”

All of these just wear down a person’s self-esteem especially for those very bright individuals who at one time may been able to go to any university including Harvard or Yale. I was one of these individuals! Maybe not a straight “A” student but I had a lot of potential.

It seems like this world cannot comprehend that someone who sets an alarm cannot always wake up to it. It also seems that this world is so rigid that no matter how much someone who does not fit into that status quo tries; they will never make it.

Narcolepsy:: A Clinical Guide

I find it funny that even our government is so naive to think that we all can just hop out there and find a job that will fit into our sleep issues. Many patients with Hypersomnia try to get Social Security because of the demands their body has on them for sleep.

Most patients with Hypersomnia especially those with Idiopathic Hypersomnia find that holding down a job is extremely difficult, not because they cannot work the job but because showing up on time and being there every day is almost impossible. Even with all of the laws for people with disabilities, there are many of us left out.

Often, patients suffering from Hypersomnia suffer for life. Meaning Hypersomnia is a lifelong sleep disorder that does not go away. However, some patients may find that their required amounts of sleep may drop with age, while others are still sleeping.

The problem with the American Disability Act is that it does not cover patients suffering from Hypersomnia. Employers can fire an employee because they do not show up to work on time or do not show up at all. The employee suffering from Hypersomnia can show proof of their disability to an employer. However, an employer can deem that their employee’s disability cannot be accommodated for because it will interfere with the company business.

That’s right! A company can say that accommodating someone with Hypersomnia will interfere with business. This means that a company can fire an employee for a medical reason that prevents the employee from being able to get up and stay up like everyone else can.

I find this ridiculous. I understand that it is hard to prove to your employer that you are not slacking off from work but still there is a fine line between morally correct and stupidity.

Because employers can so easily fire someone with Hypersomnia, many patients find that supporting their basic needs is almost impossible. Some patients find that freelance work is an easier form of work because they can find jobs that will work with their disability without disclosing it to others.

Since, patients with Hypersomnia have difficulty maintaining employment, their finances and work history can be greatly affected. Poor work history can lead to difficulty in finding further employment. In addition, the stress of losing a job can make waking up to look for a job, extremely demanding on a person suffering from Hypersomnia.

Service Dog Patch

Patients suffering from Hypersomnia need to worry about their stress levels because as their stress increase, so do their symptoms. Employment, financial, and relationships can all add stress. This stress can lead to countless hours of sleep.

Another issue many Hypersomnia patients encounter is in their relationships. There are different types of relationships ranging from co-workers, family, friends, and significant others; all of these are affected by Hypersomnia.

So, how are each of these affected by Hypersomnia?

Well, there are many reasons for each type of relationship. For co-workers, it could be that they do not understand why they are not receiving similar special treatment. Many co-workers see a patient with Hypersomnia as receiving special treatment from an employer because that patient is not being fired for arriving to work on time or missing work.

While family may not understand why one (or more) of their relatives is not achieving anything in life and cannot show up to family gatherings on time. Family members may become exhausted with countless attempts to help out a relative suffering from Hypersomnia such as with money for rent or attempting to wake them for an activity.

Although, many patients with Hypersomnia often create their own families with their friends; they often have trouble keeping friendships long term because of their sleep disability. Patients may find that their friends seem to be the only ones that understand. However, some friends do not and showing up to a promised activity or going out with their friends can make a patient feel isolated from their friends as well as the world.

Patients with Hypersomnia often find that their relationships with significant others are affected. Despite how much someone loves you; Hypersomnia can affect a relationship with any one in your life. Patients with Hypersomnia find that those closes to them are affected more than any other relationships; this includes both family and later their significant others.

In spite of how much love maybe there, Hypersomnia can be just as much of a burden on a relationship as money issues. Significant others can find Hypersomnia frustrating for many reasons, which include not having enough quality time with their partner or the constant demands put on them because of their partner’s disability.

There is so much more that Hypersomnia can affect in a patient’s life that it would take years to write it all down but the above is an attempt to help both other patient’s suffering from Hypersomnia, their family, friends, and loved ones understand this sleep disorder.

I do not claim to know everything about the above disorders but I do have a lot of knowledge about them because I do suffer from Hypersomnia as well as other medical issues. I also, have worked over 13 years in the medical field, where I gained a lot of knowledge of medical terminology, and how to make this terminology easier to understand. I hope that I made the above terminology easy enough to understand.

Another goal in writing this is to help my own family and friends to understand where I am coming from. In addition, my identical twin sister, Stephanie, also suffers from this sleep disorder. I am hoping that maybe now our loved ones can understand where we (my twin and I) are coming from but the sad truth is they may never understand and we may always be the family outcast.

If you have any questions, comments, etc. please feel free to ask me. I will be more than happy to try to attempt to answer any and all questions to the best of my knowledge. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Essentials of Sleep Medicine: An Approach for Clinical Pulmonology (Respiratory Medicine)

The Misunderstood Outcast

2011-04-19T04:40:00.004-05:00

I am sitting here at my twin’s apartment thinking this world is confusing. I never know when to react or how to read the signs on the wall. I find that I am misunderstood most of the time and my heart has been beaten’ so much, I am unsure if it will ever truly recover.

I am so afraid of being myself that I just keep quiet and have never let my true feelings out or have let myself express myself too much. Even though, I have the gift of the gab. I find myself wondering if I will ever feel safe to let my hair down, so to speak.

I find that life is one of those mysteries and some of us get trapped in the confusion, while others just seem to know what they are doing all the time. I truly feel like those that seem to get it are really like all the rest of us who do not, they just have a better way of hiding their fears.

Are our fears truly that powerful?

I would have to say yes! I have been mistaken for my actions so much in life that I feel like I have shut down and only let a little of myself out at a time.

There are a few people in my life that I open myself up to or at least the parts that I allow them to see. There are a few people in my life that I can be completely open with but still they do not see every side of me. There is always a side of the coin hidden out of fear.

I always feel that if I put myself out there completely that only pain will come.

My problem is my impulsiveness, which always gets the best of me. I want to be liked by everyone. I guess this is because there are very few people out there that I do not like. I feel like I am very excepting of others but others are not as excepting of me.

I started this life off with extreme difficulties in trusting others. I believe that has to do with my past abuse and being the outcast at school.

I am so good at understanding the outcast side that I actually am writing a book about a girl who is sheltered in life and has always been the outcast. This book shows her fears as she lets herself come out of that shell. I really wanted to show that part. In addition, each character in the book is a piece of me.

I have recently finished chapter two but I am afraid to continue because I do not want others to hate it. I am afraid that other people will not like my work, I have already put so many hours into it, and so much of myself that it would be devastating to say the least. I have however had a few friends who have read or heard pieces of it and have said they enjoyed it.

The problem I have is how do we know when someone is being truthful and not just trying to spare our feelings. I know that the friends that I have introduced it to would be able to give their honest insight but still I am afraid that they are just being nice.

I guess this world would never truly be understood by anyone. I know I will never completely understand it. I also feel that no one will truly understand me.

The one thing I want most in this world is to be loved for who I am. I did not know what love was until I was adopted.

Now, I guess I crave it because I never really had it before I was adopted and now that I am an adult I want to taste that different kind of love. Maybe someday I might get that chance.

Hope all of you are well. May your soul be filled with peace today and each of you knows at least one type of love.

The Misunderstood Outcast,

Jalopy

P.S. I had no idea what to title this!

Venting Through My Writing: My Life

2011-04-14T04:24:00.006-05:00

This is just a blog to help me get some thoughts out and I do not know if any of this will make sense to anyone but me. However, I feel the need to talk. Right now, there are but a few people in my life that seem to understand me. I wish I could say everyone in my life understood me however; this could be farther from the truth.

All my life, I have sought out acceptance. This started from my earliest years.

I was born into this world into the darkest of places. My identical twin sister, whom has been there from the beginning, accompanied me and soon, my little sister came along to travel this life with me as well.

From the first moments I can remember, my life was filled with pain and heartache. I remember protecting my sisters from a harm that no child should know. I do not remember who brought this pain, as all I see is the shadows and darkness. I guess I just closed my eyes in hopes that it would all go away.

So what do I remember?

I remember glass falling to the ground, yelling, fighting, and hurt. I remember being hurt! I remember how that felt and how my heartached for relief. I remember always being hungry and not knowing love. I remember always trying to protect my sisters. I remember someone trying to drown my twin and me running to try to save her but I was just a child, not even three.

I remember pieces of the day that my world changed, when a wonderful mother who taught me what love was adopted me. I remember finding out what a bath was and how it did not have to be scary. I remember what if felt like to be hugged for the first time, being afraid of it, and how over time it felt nice to receive a single hug. I remember getting my ears pierced so that my adopted mother could tell my twin and myself apart. We both knew who we were but no one else did.

I remember my surprise when I had my first real glass of milk. I say real because until I was adopted I really cannot remember anytime having milk that was not full of chunks and spoiled. I remember my surprise when I found out I did not have to hide my food under my clothing and bed. I remember my adopted mother’s face when she found my twin and me with food hiding in our clothing. I remember the first day that I gained enough courage to go to the kitchen to get food, being caught, and not being punished for taking the food.

There are so many more memories but these are just a few things that I remember. The contrast before and after my adopting led to me being confused about humanity.

I found out that I did not have to hide my cries with my fist in my mouth. I found I could trust most of the people around me and therefore, I could trust the people around my sisters. I did not have to protect them anymore. However, a few people came into my life that I had to protect them from; I do not know if I allowed everything to happen or sought it out; I just know it happened.

Three people from my childhood brought more pain into my life. Two of these people were my stepsisters that I allowed because of my blood sisters. I did not want to see them hurt. Instead, I put myself in danger. Spoons and all! There was another, a man across the street. I guess that one was to protect my sisters too. I just do not know. It could have been out of habit.

All I know is when my family moved, everything changed. The whole trip was a revelation, a healing of souls. I found myself pushing potentially harmful people out of my life and saying “no”.

My adopted mother was unaware until one of my sisters finally told her when we were in our twenties. I kept it a secret from most people. A few lovers and friends have known my pain.

When I was younger, I had a problem with my speech. I had to go through speech therapy. The only person who could understand what I was saying was my twin sister. In addition, I was told that I had learning disabilities and may never attend college.

My learning disabilities were in the language parts of my brain. In fourth grade, I found out that I not only had learning disabilities in language arts but that one of them was Dyslexia. The thought of having Dyslexia was scary. I thought well, that explains why things are flying off my papers but I also thought that just makes me more stupid. However, after several book reports on my disability I found out I was not stupid, I just learned differently and think differently.

Another struggle during my childhood years was that I was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). ADHD explained a lot in my life such as I could never sit still and asking me to clean my room was like being in the direct line of a hurricane and asking it not to hit you. I was the hurricane.

It was not until recently that I figured out what all of this meant. It meant, my brain may perform differently from others around me but I could multitask with the best of them and I could always think outside the box, while others just attempted.

I believe my abstract mind has saved me over the years. Allowing me to take my mind to somewhere other than pain. I became a dreamer.

In my grade school years, it took a long time for my peers to understand me. I believe those that I became friends with have lasted because of our ability to connect when I was so lost. The understood me.

Even though I had trouble making friends, I was able to connect to the friends I had and make long-term connections. I am still friends with many of them today. It is funny that almost every friendship that I have created have been long-term as well as those type of connections that no matter the time that has past that we could still pick up right where we left off.

During my childhood, I have received many nicknames such as Blob 3, Little Rich Girl, Bookworm, Weirdo, Crazy Girl, Evil Twin, etc. Most of my past nicknames were not nice. It was not until I was in seventh grade that I received the nickname Evil Twin. It was significant because it was the first nickname that was not hurtful; I somehow thought it was very funny (still do) and took it in stride.

Recently, I have received the nickname Jalopy. Okay not that recent, it may have been like nine years ago, but it is still recent to me. I received this nickname on an online message board for fans of the Indigo Girls called the Indigo Vortex.

I used to enjoy posting on there and occasionally go back but nowadays I just do not have the time to visit as well as I believe that the website has closed down. Anyways there was this girl from there that was from New Zealand whose user nickname was Kiwi. Kiwi apparently did not like me, for reasons I do not know but the point is she did not like me.

One day Kiwi asked me what my first part of my handle JLP stood for because all she could think of was Jalopy (not the exact words but close enough). I replied that it stood for my birth name and signed it Jalopy. I was actually being a smartass but it turned around and kind of stuck. I felt comfortable with this nickname, as it was part of me. I guess the reason is I have always thought of myself as broken.

Okay now, you are probably thinking I am depressed beyond belief but I am not really depressed only realistic in the fact that I have had a lot of struggles in my life and the nickname sort of fit everything piled into one. It always made me smile when I heard it or saw it posted online. My son even attempts to pick on me with my online nickname.

The Vortex brought me both pain and love. I met several people on there that helped shape the years since my first login. Mamablue and her partner, Johnny Rotten, Snowbear, Sheepdog, etc. all helped to make me feel welcomed and encouraged me when I needed it. When I wrote my book, “Where Love Grows Wild” I tried to honor them as well as others who helped me feel like I could seek my dreams.

I have not always wanted to be a writer but one day I found a pile of writings during a day of spring-cleaning that I realized that I had always love to put my thoughts to words and I could actually form a thought. My problem was spelling and grammar.

I still believe English is in the eye of the beholder because I could give the same assignment to two different teachers and receive two different responses. We are not alike and grammar/spelling can vary dramatically from person to person. Anyways, I read over them and was shocked by what I had found.

When I spoke to my family about becoming a writer, I had very few people encourage me. I found most of my encouragement with my online friends, most of which were from the Vortex. However, I have always been a stubborn child!

If you were to go up to all my past teachers and ask them if they ever thought that I would attempt to write for a living they would tell you “no” in a heartbeat, especially my English teachers.

I have found writing has helped me through a lot since my twenties. I have learned how to express myself in new ways and to put down my thoughts without trying to impress anyone.

Mostly my writing has been a sort of therapy for myself but it has also been an outlet. I still to this day have people telling me that I will never make it as a writer. Maybe not but I am going to try anyways. Besides, even if I do not make a living with writing at least I have an outlet to express myself.

Writing has helped me get through many bad relationships. At first, my relationships hurt me through breakups but recently they have become more abusive. I worry because I do not want to be hurt any longer. I believe I deserve more than that, because I have already seen more pain then anyone should ever see. Hence, I want to find that place “Where Love Grows Wild”.

I am afraid that I will never find that special kind of love. I do not feel like I am asking a lot from this world. I just want to one day find comfort and feel safe.

Right now, I do not feel safe, my last ex, helped to add to this and has placed death threats on my entire family. Therefore, it is hard for me to feel safe. I have seen too much pain, I should at least be able to feel safe, but this is something that eludes me at the moment. I want my next relationship not to be painful or abusive.

I guess it is hard for me to trust people because of my past but it is even harder when you are hibernating year round. If you have read my other post, you will know I have Polysymptomatic Idiopathic Hypersomnia. Unlike a bear that hibernates just in the winter, I hibernate throughout the year. I have been told I could sleep up to several months. However, I have only slept a little over 72 hours.

Yes, that is three days straight. Now, I may have slept walked to the restroom or kitchen but I have no recollection of this. Actually, the first day I discovered I had a real problem on my hands was after this first massive hibernation period. Before, I just thought I was a heavy sleeper but this changed things.

I have been through several sleep studies and not until recently did I find something that would help. A friend of mine pointed me to a website where I found out that when I dropped my ADHD at eighteen that my Idiopathic Hypersomnia was no longer being treated. In order to get my life back on track, I would have to get back on my medications along with something for Narcolepsy called Provigil.

I know my sleep disorder has affected my life dramatically; I cannot pinpoint every piece, as it would take longer than this blog. However, I can say that I have lost friends and family member’s respect.

I have very few people in my life that truly understand and even the ones who say they understand may not truly understand. I have had a lot of heartache because of my sleep disorder and truth be told my identical twin and others who suffer from Idiopathic Hypersomnia are the only ones who truly understand.

I know that my sleep disorder has also affected me financially as I have seen all my peers pass me by and it is hard to watch everyone around you making it as you are drowning. Yes, I said drowning. Financially, I am a mess. Since, I was eighteen; I have been trying not to stumble back down. Every time I think this is it, I am finally going to make it out of this hole but something always happens and I fall right back down again.

When I was younger, I was the smart girl, bright but disabled. I did not let my disabilities stop me from learning. I really enjoyed learning. I was the girl already finished with her homework before she got home. However, if it came to reading and writing, I was still working on that one. Math was my strong point except for Geometry.

My friends and family thought, she is going to make it. My family was proud of me but now they are not. I actually feel like I am the outcast within my own family. Now my family will tell you that they have not outcasted me. However, this would be far from the way I feel about it.

One prime example is with my service dog, Nova (NI-O-WE-a). Recently after finding out how to help treat my issues with my sleep (not cure), I found out I could register my own animal as a service dog and as long as she perform at least one of her task as a service animal I could take her out into the general public.

Even though I can take Nova to Wal-Mart, HEB, Walgreens, McDonalds, Jim’s, the courthouse, etc. I could not take her to my mothers’ without sticking her outside. While this is okay some of the time, it is not always okay with me.

In Texas, the weather is too hot or too cold for Nova to be out there all the time! In addition, even though I can stick Nova outside, I still receive a lecture about my dog being there, in some form or fashion.

My son also does not understand why he cannot live with his mommy. I want him to live with me. I want to be a mother to him again. It is not that I am not his mother nor that I have not tried to be a mother. It is that I have not been able to be trusted to one, get up and two, have the finances to support him.

However, when I am around him, I tend to get up more often as well as easier than with any other form of wake-up technique; I guess this would be because of my motherly instinct.

I am having enough trouble supporting myself and I am constantly failing at that. This very fact eats me up every moment of every day but how do you tell an eleven-year-old child the whole truth and have them comprehend it all, when all they want is their mother around.

My whole life, I have had doubts about everything. I am unsure if I will ever be financially able to support myself. I am unsure if I can have a healthy relationship and finally feel safe. I am not sure if I will ever find happiness at all. I feel like I started life as an outcast and will continue to be an outcast the rest of my life and it is sad that I have excepted this as part of my life but with my past it is hard not to.

I have never felt comfortable in my own skin. I have always felt like I should be someone else, born in some other time. I have never felt like I belonged in this time and this place. I have always said I was born too late but sometimes I think I may have been born too early. However, I do lean towards being born too late.

I truly believe, if I had been born earlier I might have made more of myself but maybe that is just a dream, one can never tell.

I have always been told I have the biggest of hearts, which I truly believe that is true. However, I know I wear it on my shoulder and I think that is why it is always being crushed. I truly feel like my heart and mind are being wasted in this life of mine. I am hoping that this will all change soon.

I am now working as an Independent Contractor on oDesk and I am a Tutor on WyzAnt. I believe both of these jobs allow me to use some of my talents. Even if I am not using all of my talents, at least I am using some of them.

I am still looking for someone who can help me put my words to songs. I recorded some of them onto a CD but they need to be changed a little and there is no music other than the sound of my voice on them.

I recorded them on a crappy computer with Windows NT or 95 on it. In addition, the microphone broke a few days later. Nice, right! That does explain why I had to keep recording them to get my voice to pick up!

I would love to have a violin again as well as someday learn the guitar. I still have not learned it but my son has. I am hoping to one day be able to afford to buy them without having to worry about having to pawn them to make rent.

Actually, I would rather be homeless with a violin then to sale one again. Once, I was a very good violinist but my hands have stiffened up since then so that kind of makes me, a little worried about playing again but I still want to try.

Music has been a great part of my life. I enjoy it so much because it can take me to places no book or television show can. Yes, I still am a fan of them but music seems to move me more.

A friend of mine told me that when she rests her voice, she has to stop listening to music and if she hears it, she needs to turn it off. I thought this was strange, why would you do that? Well, she answered that question, she said, that when music plays, no matter the type or volume, that our human vocal cords try to emulate and actually respond in vibration to the music itself.

This makes a whole lot of sense to me and if you think about it, if our bodies actually respond to music that much, it is no wonder why I am so passionate about music. I cannot get enough of it! My tastes are so wide-ranging and I can listen to most anything.

Well, now that I have posted this much, I guess I need to edit and post. Maybe my next post will not be so long. I guess it has just been one of those days were I have to talk and let everything out. I hope each of my readers is safe and happy. Peace to all of you and may Mother Nature be your guide!

Hypersomnia and Me

2010-03-20T05:08:00.009-05:00

I have been sitting at home doing almost nothing; life seems to be going on without me. I feel lost but I am mostly pissed off. I woke up today after sleeping over 18 hours.

There is so much I could have done today but did not have the chance to start. This is a common trend with me. You see, I have gone through this my entire life. It seems this world is not a place for me. I am here but often wonder why.

Most people know what they want to do with their lives from the start and I am no different except, everything I wanted to do is now a distant reflection on what could have been. I am not saying that I am giving up, that is far from the truth. However, I am saying that things have become too difficult and it is so hard to continue with little to no hope in my future.

I often wonder if I am alone but know sadly that I am not. You see, I suffer from a debilitating sleeping disorder. It is called “Healthy Hypersomnia” and it has wrecked my life.

I have watch my friends and even my younger sister become a part of this world and move on in their life to achieve their goals. This is heart wrenching to say the least because I have not been able to keep up with my peers and have watch so many of them achieve great things, while I am too busy sleeping my life away.

Now, I am not looking for pity nor am I looking for encouragements. I am only looking for answers. I have gone through study after study, a total of three.

All the doctors can give me is I am sorry there is nothing I can do. I have been told, I am on drugs or I have poor sleep habits, neither of these are true.

Now, I will have to say I gave up on my sleep schedule a long time ago. I just go by what I have to do the next day by hoping and praying that I will be awake for whatever it might be.

This may make some people think that oh, I do have poor sleep habits but really, I do not. When you sleep for hours on end, you do not have a chance to create a sleep habit.

My sleep habit is I go to bed and I sleep. I get ready for bed like everyone else and sometimes I listen to music to calm my soul. I now believe that it does not matter what time I put myself to bed because that is not the issue. The main issue is getting up.

For years, I have relied on others and bought alarm clock after alarm clock but neither seem to work. People can wake me up but they become tired of me or just flat out give up. It is disturbing to watch everyone give up on me, even when I have not.

The alarm clocks do not work, they just continue to go off until the alarm clocks shut themselves off, or someone else gets pissed and shuts them off, or I shut them off myself by throwing them, which is one of the many reasons I have gone through so many.

Alarm clocks break things! Apparently, you should never throw them because one, they can break and two, they break things they hit.

Now, you are probably wondering why I would throw my alarm clock in the first place. Well I do not mean to nor do I remember doing so, it is just something that I do when I am in my Sleep Drunkenness.

Sleep Drunkenness is a nasty part of my Hypersomnia and can get me into a lot of trouble. You see, when I wake up in my Sleep Drunkenness, I can appear very awake or I can appear as if I am Sleepwalking.

During my Sleep Drunkenness, I am totally unaware of the things I am doing or saying. This is a very scary thought! To be awake but not to be is a very unusual thing in which most people do not understand.

People do not believe me when I tell them I can have a complete conversation with someone and never remember having it but it is just one example of my Sleep Drunkenness.

Another occurred last year, when I was staying with friends. I had my dog, Nova, with me. I had gone to bed and had been sleeping for about 5 hours before I got up with my dog attached to my ankle, which I do to keep me safe when I am asleep.

I went to the kitchen, cooked a whole carton of eggs, and then set down on the floor with my dog and we both had eggs. I am positive that she ate more than I did and was completely happy with my decision but that is not the point.

The point is that I cooked while I was asleep and have no memory of it. If my friends had not noticed it and watched out for me something could have seriously went wrong. The only reason I know anything about it is that they were nice enough to inform me.

My sleeping disorder is not only a safety issue but it is a life changing experience. It has made both going to school and working almost impossible. Most people have not heard of Hypersomnia nor do they understand the disorder itself.

How does it affect the people who have Hypersomnia?

Well, I will tell you, they become lost in this structured world and have to make drastic changes in their lives. It becomes a waiting game for the next episode to occur.

Sometimes, there is a sign and other times, there is no sign at all but always it has dramatic effects on the lives of those who suffer from Hypersomnia and similar Sleep Disorders.

Doctors have very little understanding of what exactly Hypersomnia is and every category that they have is so broad that it is like pigeonholing an ocean of possible diagnosis and cures. Until doctors fully understand each type of Hypersomnia, those of us with it are left to try to make it in this 24-hour society, which does not buckle to those that do not form to its concrete construction.

I sleep normally 12 to 15 hours a day but sometimes find myself sleeping up to 72 hours in one day, my day.

Okay now, you are asking how that is one day, will it is not, it is three days of sleep with no getting up to go to the bathroom, no eating, and no drinking, just total sleep. However, sometimes, my Sleep Drunkenness will allow me to be awake enough to use the restroom, eat, and get something to drink. There is no way to control my Sleep Drunkenness and usually I will end up back in bed, unaware that I have woken to complete any task.

This effects the body dramatically. I wake up completely drain of all energy. One would think with sleeping that long that you would be rested but that is untrue.

I have had people tell me that they would love to sleep as much as I do but I only tell them they just do not understand how bad it really is.

Your body needs to release the toxins that build-up and needs to have nourishment to continue to function normally. When you sleep for that long without food or drink, you become not only dehydrated but also malnourished.

To compensate, I tend to overeat, while I am awake. This is bad for many reasons especially for my G.E.R.D. In addition, it is hard for people with Hypersomnia to take their medications on time and staying on my G.E.R.D. medications is important.

G.E.R.D. can cause serious damage to your upper digestions system and is bad for your vocals. I often wake up with bad heartburn but mostly I wake up throwing up.

By the time, my stomach is together again, I have to eat or I will pass out from lack of food. I am always thirsty and cannot seem to get in enough fluids to save my life. My skin is always dry. I am constantly worried about getting enough nutrition and fluids in before I go back to bed.

The only problem is when I start to go to bed it takes me over an hour to fall asleep most days because I have to keep going to the restroom from all the fluids I pushed in me.

One of my major worries is the buildup of urea, uric acid, creatinine, and other toxins in my body. When I first wake-up, I need to go to the restroom so bad it is painful. I worry that these toxins are affecting my body and possibly making things worse.

Do I really need to be building up my ammonia levels in my body?

That would be a bad thing! I do not want to have my kidneys fail nor do I want any more infections.

I often wonder why, when I first wake-up is my body unresponsive. When I wake-up, I cannot seem to get up and it seems as if my body is not listening to my brain. Now, this does not always happen but it happens enough.

In addition, when I try to get up on my feet, I am not able to move and I just fall over. Sometimes I am so shaky it is hard to walk and I am running into everything. Lately this has been happening more often and I wonder why?

Another thing I have to worry about is getting bedsores. I have not had them yet but it is a matter of time. I already have pains just from being in bed so long. Since, I have worked in the health care field myself; I know exactly what bedsores can do.

Bedsores are nasty, painful, and debilitating to say the least. They require daily care, several times during the day, if you want them to heal. I do not have time to take care of them. If I were to get bedsores, I would be in trouble.

Because of my Hypersomnia, I have been unable to spend a lot of time with my family and my friends. My personal relationships have suffered. Even my relationship with my son has been affected.

I often wonder, if in the end, I will have anyone there with me because so many have just become tired and left me; not because of who I am but because of my Hypersomnia and people not understanding it.

All I want is to sleep normally. I hope that with my age going up and knowing that most people start to sleep less as they get older that I will become lucky and finally be able to get my life on the track I so desperately want.

My Hypersomnia has also affected my work life. I do not have insurance any longer. This causes another issue sense my only hope is going to a doctor and getting treatment. I have written doctors and have had no luck in finding one to help me. Therefore, I am now stuck trying to help myself.

I am currently, pushing for my future to be brighter by going to school and trying to find a job that will work with my Sleep Disorder. Mostly, I am trying to go to school but I am also working towards becoming a writer.

I have already finished my first book, “Where Love Grows Wild”. It is a starter book, which means I completed it to get my name out there and to show people what I have to offer. In addition, I am putting it out there in hopes of making this world a better place.

In this book, I have written about sexual abuse, physical abuse, war, and other topics I think may make some impact in someone’s life and perhaps to the world in general. I know one person cannot change everything. However, I also know, that just one person can make a difference and that difference, always means something, no matter how small it might be.

I am hoping that one day I will be able to afford to put my book out there more. I am not going to rely on others to do this for me because that might take the rest of my life to get anything out there.

I am currently working on my second book and hope to have it completed soon. I have never written a novel before but I am trying. It would be a lot easier to complete my writings, if I were awake more!

Lower Class Survival

2010-03-09T23:11:00.007-06:00

Personal Note from the Author:

Hello, everyone! I hope everyone is having a great day. I am glad that you have stopped by my Blogger and I do hope you enjoy reading my Blogs. I hope that you will let me know what you think of them. Each blog will be different. Some will be about my life and others will be about things I enjoy or hate but most should be positive. I hope that you will return.

End of Note!

Lately, I have been wondering how the lower class even survives. There are very little jobs out there and none of them pay enough for anyone to live alone. However, living with others is tricky because most people are not good roommates. They either do not pay their bills on time or are complete slobs and will not clean anything.

What does a lower class person do, if they do not have someone they can trust to be a good roommate?

Well, here is what happens. They have very bad rental history and live paycheck to paycheck praying that this paycheck will be enough to cover everything, most of the time it does not even cover the rent, let alone the electricity or food.

Yes, there are food stamps and even people to help you out with your rent but most of the time that money is already taken or never enough. Therefore, they put their stuff in storage, try their best to keep their job, and not be forced on the streets.

They live with friends and/or family until they think they have enough to start living on their own or they are kicked out, whichever comes first. Once, your friends and family are used up, you have no other choice but to live on the streets.

How do I know all of this?

Well, I am one of those broke souls. I have tried to make it so many times but have failed each time. Whenever I think I am going to be okay and I am finally going to make it, something always happens to push me down.

I am currently back there again. I am afraid that I may end up back on the streets.

Yes, I could live with my birth family out in the middle of nowhere but they are so benighted and callow that I just get frustrated. In addition, they do not let me use the car when I need it. This is going to cause issues, since I am now employed inside the city. In addition, I am going to college.

Sorry, I cannot tell you where because one, I don’t want people just showing up, saying I read your Blog, and two, I have a crazy ex that wishes my family and myself harm. Therefore, I am just going to put the city, meaning San Antonio for now.

Anyways, if I go live outside of the city, I will not be able to improve my status nor will I be able to make it to any of my current obligations, which I have committed too. I have used all the friends I have that would let me live with them, so I have nowhere to go at the moment.

Now, you see I do not know if I am really going to lose my new place or not. My sister helped me out, so I am not mad at her but I am upset, because I was counting on her to help me out.

I lost my job at Jim’s Restaurant, not, because I was a bad server and not, because I did not do my work. It was because I did not show-up. I called occasionally when my body would let me, but I did not show-up.

The reason I did not show was that my body was just too tired to go to work or to do anything at all. You see, I could have been in the middle-class or even made my way in this world but I suffer from what is known as "Healthy Hypersomnia".

Yes, it is called “Healthy” but to me it is not that healthy. You see I sleep most of my life away. Yes, I am up most days and yes, I am capable of working, it is just that I cannot wake up for the life of me.

I can sleep 12 some odd hours and be up for 6 to 8 and then my body wants to crash again for 12 or more hours. I have slept up to 72 hours before which is scary in itself.

I have gone through three different sleep studies and no matter how many I have gone to, no one can give me any answers on how to make it stop. I have heard it all, you have to be on drugs, or you just have poor sleeping habits.

Even if I go to bed at the exact same time every night for weeks on end, I can guarantee everyone that I will never wake up at the same time. It does not matter how many alarm clocks I set or who I have wake me up.

Now, there are people who have an easier time waking me up like my twin sister, my son, and even my dog, Nova, but that does not mean I will wake up or that I will be fully aware of the things going on around me.

I also have bouts of what is called Sleep Drunkenness. This means I appear awake to everyone except me. I have no idea what happens during my “Drunkenness” and I cannot tell you, if I yelled at you or if I told you, I was awake and would be somewhere or do something.

This has caused many issues in my life including losing many jobs and affecting my schooling. It also has affected my relationships with friends, family, and my romantic partners of the past.

I am even afraid of start a new relationship because I do not want to rely on anyone and I have seen what it does to my past relationships. Most of my past partners, do not understand my disability, they think I am joking or lying.

Even most of my family does not understand, I cannot blame them for not understanding but I am sick of having my heart broken repeatedly because of something I cannot control.

I have lost things that mean a lot to me, my jobs, my friends, my son (whom I have not really lost but feel I have not been there enough for him), and so much more.

I want to be a writer because I feel like I have a lot to say. I have finished my first book and I am even starting on my second. The thing is I do not have the money to publish my work with my own company, Garbhog. If I took it to other publishing companies, I doubt I would have much success because I could not go to any schedule book signings or anything.

I just do not do schedules very well. I am much better at an unstructured life but this world does not exist.

I also want to be a singer. I have a good voice but because of my sleeping problems, it would be hard for me to actually schedule concerts and meet deadlines. In addition, singer professionally, requires a lot of fluids, which I sometimes miss because I sleep so long.

I could accomplish both and perhaps, even make a good living at it but my sleep keeps me from doing anything. In addition, I cannot take a second job or even work more hours, if I want to continue to go through school but I have to figure out something and quick.

I cannot keep living like this because one day I will not be able to bounce back. I keep telling myself, if only I could get some sort of brake, then I would not have to continue to worry. All I want is to stop worrying about where the money is going to come from.

I do not want a lot. I want just enough to pay the bills and have food on the table. I just want to feel safe and know that things are going to get paid, but with the way things are right now, it is hard to have any hope.

My only peace in this world is my son’s smile, my family, my writing, and most of all my music. When everything seems hopeless, I turn on the Indigo Girls, Caroline Aiken, Danielle Howle, Bonnie Raitt, Dolly Parton, Heidi Hensley, Joan Armatrading, Martine Locke, Melissa Ferrick, Michelle Malone, Rachael Sage, Melissa Etheridge, or even Brian Ashley Jones.

There are so many good artists out there to listen to and none of them ever get their dues. I listen to so many types of music and I enjoy so much of them.

Music moves my soul in ways other things cannot. I guess it is my only true comfort.

It does not matter who you put on, as long as it has a beat and you can understand the words if there are any. I love all music but I guess I am steered more towards the girl bands and the genres of Folk, Rock, Country, Blues, Celtic, Pop, and Punk.

I guess I am saying there is not much in this world to make me want to stay here except for my son, my twin, my family, my writing, and music. I guess I am really lost, I just do not know what to do.

No doctor has the answer, no person really. I am just trying to make it through each day alive and thankful that I woke up even if I do not know what day it is or how long I have slept.

I know that, if I try to keep faith that good things do happen to good people and that we do not have to always struggle for the simplest of things such as food and doing our laundry, outside of a bucket. One day, things will turn around and I will not be lonely forever.

Peace,

Jalopy

What A Day

2010-03-05T21:40:00.000-06:00

Hello folks!

I really hope that everyone is doing so much better than I am today. It’s been such a horrible day. It started with getting home late from work at 12:30-ish this morning. After getting off work, I walked home about two miles in the dark, cold night. I ended up right across from my old work before I almost past out. I walked over to Jim’s, you know the one that fired me illegally. For some reason employers seem to think that you need an update on a life-term condition covered by the Disabilities Act. As if Healthy Hypersomnia goes away, I wish! Anyways, that is a different topic. I crossed over to the other side of the street and went into my old work. My best friend Jennifer was working and another good friend Greg. Well both Gregs’ were working, the dishwasher and the server. I am talking about the server but I guess both can be considered friends. I was friends with everyone there! I did love my job so much.

Again, off topic! Oh,well, opps! Anyways, I went straight to the bar and plopped down. Greg, the server noticed me right away and gave me a slice of chocolate marble cake he had made. Yummy! However, I was not really in the mood for it, which is very weird because I am the girl who can eat her weight if not more in anything that contains massive amounts of sugar. I eat it anyways and he refilled my Dr. Pepper but put ice in it, which I hate, but I was too tired to say anything. I just sit there! I did talk a bit! Okay, so maybe I bitched about how I did one and a half tubs of silverware and then being told I could not go home before I rolled more but I had to wait for the dishwasher to actually arrive in an hour to wash them first! I was pissed even after walking two miles home in the dark! I told both Jennifer and Greg about it and I told them that I of course was not going to wait for someone to decide to come around and wash dishes! I was finished with all my side-work, was pissed off, and did over two tubs of dishes myself which, included a little over a tub of silverware! Then, I rolled them and walked my butt home. Well maybe not home yet! I sit there for a good while and had some Canadian Cheese Soup with Captain Crackers. Which was very good by the way!

After that, I went home and washed my uniform in an empty trashcan because the laundry room was closed and I was supposed to be at work at 3pm. Of course, this did not happen. I had to go to school, get my schedule and go by the food stamp office, give them some paperwork. I am supposed to start school next week on the 8th but this may not happen now! Oh, I am getting ahead of myself. After washing my uniform and hanging it to dry. I went upstairs and gave Jennifer’s boyfriend my keys so that someone could come and wake me up at least by noon the next day. They told me, my neighbor Joe was looking for me and that he was moving.

I started down the stairs to find him standing at his front door. I told him he was just the man I was looking for and that I had just heard that he wanted to talk with me before he moved. I talked to him a bit and found out that he had only stayed for me. Yes, me! Folks, this guy is in love with me and I’ve done nothing! My friends keep telling me it is because I am beautiful but I do not see it! Okay so maybe I am pretty but I not that pretty. Why is it that I keep braking all these straight guy’s hearts and why in the world are there so many. This is the seventh in less than a month. All I have done is try to be friends. I know I have a bubbly personality and all but, I just do not understand. I hate breaking anyone’s heart and to have this guy say that he only stayed in his apartment for me was shocking and slightly disturbing. I really like him as a person and only in a friendship way. I do not understand where I have gone wrong or even if it is me that is making a mistake. What is it that keeps these men doing this? I am starting to think it is only my boob size! Not my personality! Are men really that shallow or am I just doing something to attract them that I am completely unaware of? I am starting to think I will never know!

After talking with him, I went inside and went to bed. I was woken around noon by my friends, went upstairs, and had coffee and top roman. I talked with them a bit before heading back downstairs and putting my clothing in the drier because it was not dry yet. I then hopped in the shower and got ready to leave to do my running around. After retrieving my cloths and getting everything together, I took off and headed to the food stamp office first. This went smoothly and I was off again on the public transportation to my college. When I got to my school, I went straight to the financial aid office and talked to them to find out when I will get my money. Come to find out I have to wait a month to get it. I am pissed. I am trying to get them to push it through but I do not know if this is going to happen. In order to get my money I have to stay in school but without it I cannot do school. Now, I have to come up with part of the money by Tuesday or be dropped the next day. I do not have the best GPA right now because I have gone through a lot the last few semesters I was in school. I did start off with a 4.0 but have dropped down to a 1.8 which sucks but I want to turn that back around and if they do not work with me I do not think I can for a long time. I was so happy to be going back to school and now I may not be able too! I am devastated.

Right now I am sitting in a McD’s trying to think about my future and hoping that somewhere things will turn around. I have made so many changes over the past year or so and I want everything just to fall into place but it seems that no matter how hard I try I keep being pushed back down and struggling just to breathe. I am afraid I will end up back on the streets so to speak. I was not actually on the streets but I was living with others out of the kindness of their hearts. I do not that many friends that will let me live with them and I believe I have already used all my resources and maybe back in that same pit of shame again. Okay so maybe it is not shameful but to me it is. I have tried but the world seems to knock down the poor every time they finally find themselves making progress. I wonder if anyone cares. I know some must or we would not have groups out there doing so much good work for people. I guess some of us just fall through the cracks and I am one of them.

I am hoping that my book will help me start to get my head above water. I am finished with it but cannot seem to find the simple $35 to get it copyrighted. Every time I come up with the money, something always comes up and it is gone. I really want this book out there because some of it I really think is good. I also think that a few of the proses may make great lyrics to a song. I have some friends in the music industry that I really want to show them these few and see if they can help me write the music to it. I tried myself but without an instrument, I cannot be sure how it sounds or even if it is right at all. I wanted to put out my own record but I do not even know if that would happen. One I do not have the money and two I do not think I can play an instrument well enough to pull it off. I use to play the violin but I sold it to make rent. Big mistake let me tell you because now I do not have an instrument and I was pretty good. Now, it will take me a while to learn it all again. Anyways, I am now reworking on my second book and hope to be done in a year or so. The second one is coming to age story unlike my first one, which is only a mixture of poems, proses, and other literary work that I am not sure what it is. I thought the first one would be easier to put together because I had already finished most of the work over the years, it was more putting it together and typing it out. I was upset when my ex-girlfriend Sindy, destroyed my computer and totally ruined my hard-drive. I thought I lost it forever but was able to get the first book back through my friends who had my work on their computer but the other three books were lost so I thought. I found my second book but not the rest. The only problem was that the second book was not the whole thing and I had to retype it all but at least I had it right.

Anyways, I hope to somehow come up with the money for school or get them to work with me somehow so I can get this all done because I only need three classes to transfer and have to retake one I already past, my math, if I want to go onto the next level. In addition, I hope to have my book copyrighted soon so I can start putting it out there and I am hoping my friends will at least help me write the songs I want to write. Maybe even sing them for me or let me sing with them or even help me put out some of my own. For those that do not know my vocal abilities, I have song sense I was little in church choirs, school choirs, and just for fun. I am scared to death of singing by myself but can do it but shaky and scared the whole way through. I guess I am uncertain about how I sound because I use to be what is called a universal singer, which can sing with anyone high, or low does not matter but I have lost a lot of that because of GERD. I have tried lately to become more comfortable with the sound of my own voice and not having others sing with me, which I prefer all together. I have been told I am sort of a cross between the following, Joan Armatrading, Bonnie Raitt, and Patsy Cline. I take this as a compliment. I want to make my proses into music that sounds similar to this sound so I can sing to it. Anyways, it is just a hopeful dream and I do not even know if anything in my life will ever come to fruition as so much in my life has not already but one can only dream. I guess I am a big dreamer.

I hope again that all of you are doing well and I hope to be blogging soon again. Peace to all and please feed my fishes, they get hungry.

The one and only,

Jalopy

My First Blog!!!!!!!!!

2010-02-25T21:28:00.001-06:00

Hi everyone!

In case you do not know who I am, my name is Christine (Chris) Seitz. I go by Jalopy on the net after a girl from the indigo vortex decided it would be a good idea to mess with me but I took it all in stride and took on the nickname Jalopy that I still use today. I guess she is not too happy with me but how cares.

Okay so I really do not know what I am doing but I am going to go with it. A friend of mine on Facebook suggested for me to start a blog of some sort so people could get to know me. I have never really blogged but I have written long notes! I am good at making run on sentences or at least that is what my adopted mother and my past teachers’ have told me. I guess it’s because I think writing should be like talking and because I’m dyslexic and well anything doing with any type of language arts I just don’t get or at least not the way other’s do. Even with that said, I am trying to become a writer myself despite what little backing I have from some of my family and friends. They keep telling me it is too difficult for someone with learn disabilities in language arts to become a writer. I tell them just because language does not like me do not mean I do not have something to say or that I cannot tell a story or too! I have a great imagination and I should put it to work.

Now, change of subject as we back up. As I mention earlier, I am adopted. I was adopted back in the early 80’s by a single lesbian mother who was raised Catholic and found out she was gay when a nun pulled her into a closet, literally. My adopted mother’s name is Judy. She as my son full time even though we have 50/50 custody. Judy is married (as much as you can be for lesbians living in Texas) to Tenny. They have been together sense I was in grade school. I love them both dearly but we have our share of problems. Though, because of my up bring I came to be more understanding and respectful.

Anyways, I thought I would mention a little about them. Now, onto another part of my family, my birth family. I love my birth family do not get me wrong. It is just they drive me crazy because they are so benighted and callow. They live in a constant state of delusion. All of them are the type of people that are not worth fighting with because even though you have won the fight, they seem to think they are winning the fight and will continue talking after you have left the room. They are simply put beyond obtuse. The only one that has any sense is my half-sister Stephanie but she is married a man that is in of itself the definition of cretin!

Now that you know that I have a half-sister name Stephanie, it is time to tell you I also have an identical twin name Stephanie. It’s confusing yes but I’m more comfortable around my twin because well we are very similar but so different at the same time and we have been together for so long it’s hard to be apart. My twin Stephanie and I wore adopted along with my little sister Elizabeth, the bible thumper, who has condemned my complete adopted family to hell.

At any rate, we are moving on here, as I am not sure what to say at this point. I guess things will come to me from time to time. I am just giving you a little background I guess. I do not know how often I will be able to write in here because I am starting back to San Antonio College to finish out a few classes before transferring to goddess knows where! Even with my studies and extra activities, I will try to write at least once a month. If anyone sees that I have not and would like an update, please feel free to contact me on my Facebook page!

My Facebook Page

I do hope everyone is doing well and will come back to read this. Please let me know what you think.

Peace.

Jalopy