Lilly's Pad

Can't keep my eyes open

2012-10-26T09:32:00.000+13:00

Having one of those extremely fatigued, can't keep my eyes open, hurt all over, dizzy, uncoordinated days :( Definitely seems to be cyclical. Sigh. When I get like this I get scared that my heart is somehow damaged and that is why I'm having this severe bone crushing fatigue. It doesn't help that there has been two incidents of sudden cardiac arrest in previously healthy persons this week here in NZ! A young mother dying at 34 and a sports person (also 34) 'lucky' to be alive despite having to have been put in an induced coma. It's like all those young soccer players and that Norwegian swimmer of late :(

Of course what makes me think that I'm so special that it will happen to me! I'm not athletic and it seems all these people died because of sudden cardiac arrest (SCA) due to an electrical problem with the heart like ventricular fibrillation as a result of extreme exertion???

Sigh.

Oh I can't deal with this - maybe I need to stop reading the news. I just want to cry. And I'm scared about it happening to my brother because he fainted and seizured for the first time ever a few weeks ago - for no reason that could be detected.

Oh God.......

Update - haven't written for a while and that is probably a good sign?!

2012-10-16T10:05:00.002+13:00

I haven't written for a while and that is probably a good sign?! I say that because it means that I have been busy - busy engaging with people and getting back out into life again - a little.

I've been taking half a clonazepam/klonopin (0.25 mg) a day for quite some time now. I managed to cut out the bed time one. This has changed my thinking somewhat so that I am not in a constant state of panic about my symptoms despite they're still being there. I'm still extremely tired and in pain (back, joints etc).

I've been able to go to a theme park for a friend's sons birthday, been able to go to school functions...even been able to take my son to school and pick him up (by myself). Attend my psychology/counselling and psychiatrist appointments. Been to friends houses across town just for social gatherings.

And I've been able to go to shops to buy needed materials/ingredients for crafts I have been making and cakes that I have been decorating (see previous entry about baking and therapy). And made the cake below for my son's 6th birthday. I guess everyone knows his name now :P

And yes I've given myself pats on the back for all my achievements - but I am still so damn tired, fatigued, exhausted, hurt and getting frequent headaches. I have hope now that this won't last forever.....but oh how I wish I could kick this bone crushing fatigue.

This isn't the way I had dreamt my life would be. I need to think about how I can change that. I need to follow 'signs'. I suspect I will not be picking up my PhD where I left it and I will be following my cake decorating passion. Perhaps I will start a small business from home - one where I can control how many cakes I do....because being such a perfectionist....some of the cakes I've made recently have nearly killed me!!!

I can't keep my head up.....I think I will go and have a sleep today.

I've been baking and creating - call it therapy!

2012-08-28T10:49:00.003+12:00

SPCA Cupcake Day

iPhone 4 Birthday cake for my brother

Thank you cupcakes

Castle Cake

End of season Soccer cupcakes

Lightning McQueen Cake

.......and an update 08/10/2012 ....preparing to make my son's Angry Birds birthday cake

Images of how my head feels

2012-08-23T06:30:00.000+12:00

How my head feels - I've wanted to paint something akin to the above picture....a combination of having my head in a vice and exploding because of the pressure!

Ladyhawke - ANXIETY - lyrics

2012-08-14T10:54:00.000+12:00

"Anxiety"

I take a pill to help me through the day
I stay inside until I feel okay

I’ve always been so cautious
But I’m sick of feeling nauseous
It’s not that I am losing
This wall of my own choosing

Take me on a ride
Show me how to hide the voice in my head
Meet me on the road, tell me all you know
I’m here on my own

Take me on a ride
Show me how to hide the voice in my head
You’ve got away with my anxiety
It’s yours to take back

I walk alone, I stumble to the beat
My stack of drums are always on repeat
You never win when losing is a game
Inside your head there’s no one else to blame

I’ve always been so cautious
But I’m sick of feeling nauseous
It’s not that I am losing
This wall of my own choosing

Take me on a ride
Show me how to hide the voice in my head
Meet me on the road, tell me all you know
I’m here on my own

Take me on a ride
Show me how to hide the voice in my head
You’ve got away with my anxiety
It’s yours to take back

You’ve got away with my anxiety
It’s yours to take back

Take me on a ride
Show me how to hide the voice in my head
Meet me on the road, tell me all you know
I’m here on my own

Take me on a ride
Show me how to hide the voice in my head
You’ve got away with my anxiety
It’s yours to take back

I think I have developed tolerance (to clonazepam)

2012-08-14T09:25:00.001+12:00

The thoughts about dropping dead had stopped for a while - or rather they came and went and I wasn't bothered by them. I put that down to the clonazepam. Now - they are back with a vengeance, I'm not sleeping well - having panic again, visual disturbance feeling sick, hot and cold. I suspect I've become tolerant to the dose - I say this because of the return of the above problems and because the drowsiness has eased (only to be replaced with my usual fatigue).

And I feel really really depressed, crying all the time - I just want to go to sleep and wake up when its all gone. I need peace. I can't focus, I can't, or don't want to, move. Night sweats last night sore chest and fear of dying all back.

I've read that clonazepam can make depression worse.

I'm so upset - I thought I was doing better...............now I feel like I might have gotten myself stuck in a tolerance, dependence, addiction drug hell spiral ~!~!

Strange daze (days)

2012-08-08T16:34:00.001+12:00

Strange things are happening to my thinking. No longer am I obsessing over being about to drop dead....I'm obsessing about things lost....lost jewellery, lost opportunities....not the big ones like loss by death or separation.

Example - lost jewellery. When I was a little girl of about six or seven I was given a necklace with a stylised cat pendant. I loved that necklace.....one day I was playing at my bedroom window and it dropped outside in the garden.....we were never able to find it.

This is what it looked like.....I'm going to have to get me another. I found one online...not too expensive to have it shipped from the States!

Example - lost opportunity. When I was working in a bakery at about age 18 - I had a huge crush on the boss' son (10 years older). I was so horny for him....envisaged us making love. He would go out of his way to talk with me. Pull up in his car even and offer me a lift the few hundred metres home. I was such a dim-wit that I would always turn him down - "It's ok thanks...it's not far" Duh.....and I'd beat myself up.....I could have been rooting him silly in the back of his car or somewhere - not walking home by myself. Argghhhhh.

Several months went by with me all love sick and him being flirty - until finally he asked me if I would like to go a friends BBQ with him. Would I?????!!!!! OMG (only we didn't have acronyms then).

We had a great day/evening, I got on his with his friends well and we sat by a bonfire and he stroked my thumb.....I was gagging to get to bed with him.

Time to leave - he asked if I wanted to go back to his place or mine - I said mine - fucking idiot. He had a sleep out at the back of a huge section - I was still at home with Mum and my single bed in my little girls room. Arrrggghhhhh. I should have said "yours". And then all the way home I had the chance to tell him that - the complete other side of town.

So we had a coffee and then he said he should get going.....we kissed and he touched my left breast....that was it. I didn't hear from him for a while. He said he respected me to much and his dad had said it wasn't a good idea to 'screw with the crew' - not that his Dad used that phrase. He said he was really really attracted to me.

Oh just once, once would have been 'nice' I didn't care about all that - I just wanted to fuck him. Although once wouldn't have been enough.

I haven't thought about him for about 20 years and here I am married and I just cannot stop thinking about him and the what ifs and what might have been. I've seen a recent photo of him - he looks just the same (only 20 years older). I wonder if he's married, been married, divorced?

Is this a mid-life crisis thing? Or dissatisfaction with my marriage. I don't know....why now? Why suddenly after taking these pills?

My dreams have changed.....instead of distressing, exhausting dreams...I dream of cake decorating....that has to be a good thing...right?! :)

Clonazepam zombie daze

2012-08-08T16:07:00.001+12:00

Well....I completely flipped on Tuesday of last week. I was about to turn 41 on the Thursday, my husband was to be away for work again. On the Monday I felt I had better go and see my doctor because I had two big pustulous sores in my right ear - I couldn't hear properly. I panicked outside the doctors and then again in the waiting room.....I came over all hot and shaky and flu like and was convinced that this was the moment I was going to die.

I got up and somehow made my way over to reception and said something like: "Err I'm having a bit of a panic attack". The receptionist must have seen it all before because she quickly and discretely whisked me away to the nurses station - where they took my temp and other vitals and rendered me to be fine (apart from the panic).

Saw my GP about my ear and got a prescription for ear drops - well...EYE drops.....to put in my ear. Then we talked about my anxiety. yes...it had gone from bad to worse again. I said I was going to call my psychiatrist to have my medication reassessed. So my GP called herself because she didn't think I would - smart lady!

Tuesday morning....crying , crying, crying and more panic - a nurse from the community mental health centre had to come and get me. Took me to see the new psychiatric registrar.

Long story short - I was to up my Fluoxetine to 60mg and start taking Clonazepam (Paxam, Klonopin, Rivotril) twice a day for a few week - to try and dampen/suppress the anxiety and panic and enable my body to recover. I was to take 0.5 mg twice a day but 0.25 twice a day is rendering me a zombie!

I know Marceline is a vampire - but she has a zombie dog - Schwabl!

Well something like that sure is happening - I CANNOT physically have a panic attack, I'm now a zombie. I keep wanting/needing to lie down and I've slept much of the past week - day and night. My head and body feel leaden. Well at least I've stopped fighting now......my body is getting rest - I think...that is if these pills are screwing with me. I don't even care....that's how lax they've made me feel.

Probably the most unpleasant birthday I've ever had despite all the wonderful things other people did for me :(

I've been told that the sedation will pass as I get used to the drug and it will continue to exert its anxiolytic effect. Hope these headaches go too.....maybe its all just residual muscle tension and my body has a lot of catching up to do????

Vicious circle

2012-07-30T14:51:00.000+12:00

"Anxiety is a survival mechanism that prepares us to act when we detect a threat in our environment that we will need to manage.

When we doubt our ability to handle things we tend to be on the look-out for potential threats and anxiety experiences become more intense, more prolonged and more frequent than usual.

When those experiences are coupled with attempts to cope by avoidance and/or suppression, we become stuck in a cycle of anxiety that decreases positive experiences of the world and makes every aspect of daily life a struggle.

Intense anxiety is designed to overtake all of our thought processes so all of our resources can be directed towards surviving the threat. Once it has been fully triggered, it is very difficult to turn our thoughts to other things or access a wider perspective by ourselves".

From Engage Aotearoa http://www.engagenz.co.nz/

So that explains why I cannot, can't possibly ever think about other things in the midst of an attack! Aha. That's why it's such a vicious circle.

Groundhog day - same old s**t - but I must stop fighting/resisting

2012-07-24T10:20:00.001+12:00

Another day same symptoms - back pain, chest tightness, all kinds of aches and pains, throat clearing, reflux, nausea, brain fog, heavy head, feeling faint/unsteady, shallow breathing - breath holding, too scared to go anywhere...can't leave the house - trouble moving from one room to the next. Constant fretting that I'm dying and doctors have missed something. Constant fretting that I'll get all the illnesses going around at the moment despite taking olive leaf extract.

But my psychologist tells me I need to stop fighting the symptoms and just observe with interest after all: anxiety follows the universal principle – The more you resist, the more it persists - and what you accept you go beyond.

I'm going to go to the library now to pick up the books I have on hold and I'll try this observation business out - back soon

Well that wasn't so bad....I was hoping to be able to rush into the library and rush out again via the self-checkout. One of the books wouldn't scan so I had to wait in the queue (not good with queues), whilst waiting I realised that the barcode for checkout was on the front of this particular book and not the back as they usually are. Scanned again - stopped to look at Margaret Mahy books on the way out (NZ's childrens' literary great died yesterday). And picked up an SPCA cupcake day brochure (I've been doing some cake decorating).

Then I thought I'd brave getting a flat white (coffee). Ordered and then saw the row of orders :( Ah well....I'll look at the condiments and min gingerbread men for sale. Ah NO!!!! A stupid woman who was last took the coffee of the woman waiting before me....now things have to be done again and I need to wait longer for mine........but I coped fine. Wow!!! The only time I felt 'funny' was walking back to the car.....my legs felt funny - oh...just observe them - how interesting my legs feel a bit funny, like jelly, like lead...how interesting!!

Hmmmm...that seemed to work :)

Thought I might even go and sit in the car at the beach and drink my coffee - but no...don't want to stretch myself too much for one day.

Now I'm thinking - Heart Damage?! Or Fibromyalgia

2012-07-20T13:02:00.000+12:00

Arrghhhhhh - now I'm having a tight chest, weakness, fatigue - all the rest of it. So I'm immediately thinking - womens' heart attack symptoms and/or my heart has been weakened and is damaged because of all the anxiety and panic. I can't win - these thought/obsessions with my body and its functioning.

But the pain in all my joints and my back has increased today - so perhaps the chest symptoms are relative to that - thoracic tension??! Sigh...I don't know. Every time I get up to something I feel exhausted and weak. I've been cleaning the house and fixing my lunch in fits and starts. Then I have to stop and rest for five minutes.

The pain - pain in the upper centre of my back, right hip - aching elbows, wrists, knees, ankles - biceps, triceps, quads, trapezius. Wow - that about corresponds to the trigger/tender points of fibromyalgia:

Or is fibromyalgia just another manifestation of depression?
Awww I need deep tissue massage and chiropractic - someone to 'crack' my back.

Some days I just can't bear this anymore - yet I go on.....

Why do I do this?

2012-07-19T14:45:00.000+12:00

Oh why do I do this to myself. Took my medication today with a cold drink - every time I do that I get severe heartburn...its almost as if the Fluoxetine capsule gets stuck half way down and letches its contents directly onto my oesophagus - burning it. Every time I swallow........OUCH!

And why to I confide some things to my Mum when I know she'll come back with something as her attempt to control me? Phone rings....should I answer it? Oh no...damn...its her. Today she wanted to talk with me about God....that I shouldn't have to struggle like this and I've said myself I have trouble letting go - but God is there for me...all I have to do is let go to Him, give up my problems to Him. She's been getting messages from God.....in the form of a tune stuck in her head...she found it was Brooke Fraser's 'Lead me to the cross' and felt the lyrics were meant for me...and am I still talking to God??!!!!!

Yes that's right.....this struggle will all end for me if I just let Jesus into my heart...simple as that! Argggghhhhh. Some people take benzos others take God...whatever works...

I happened to mention that I might need to change my medication because clearly the Fluoxetine isn't doing diddly-squat anymore. And Mum knows my fears over changing medications. God will be there for me while I try something else. Sigh.

Still with the awful giddiness - are they sure I don't have a diseased heart? I'm scared to move in case I do more damage.

Why can't I let go? Relax?

2012-07-16T14:33:00.002+12:00

I think part of the reason why I can't let go and relax is that I am too frightened to let go of my need to be in control. Its as if I were to let go then I would be letting death in - I have to have a hold or grip on myself to make sure I don't have a 'symptom' of impending death - that way I can get the help I will need - should I need it. In essence, am I trying to control death?!! Something that can't be controlled.

And sometimes when I do begin to let go and relax, I become fearful of the sensations of my body relaxing and I am jolted back to tension.

I need to be able to let go and use the energy that I'm using to hold on to recover.

But it is damn well easier said than done. Sometimes I try to tell myself to just give up - let go - so what - let death come if its going to - I've been struggling like this for almost a year and it hasn't killed me yet. Death might be a blessed relief. Or it might not - the suffering might continue - we really don't know, won't know - until we get there.

Other times I tell myself that relaxation has got to be better than this tension. But what if I do let go and death comes? What if I let down my guard and death sneaks in - catching me unawares?

Sigh - backwards and forwards the thoughts go - keeping me in constant turmoil, constant spiral - constant fight. EXHAUSTION.

Phobos, Phrike and Demios - Gods of Fear, Horror, Terror and the like

2012-07-16T14:06:00.001+12:00

Fear - Diemos, Phobos, and Phrike - Matt Lindley

I picked up a brochure from The Phobic Trust whilst sitting in the waiting room at my Psychologist's this morning. One the front page read:

"The Greek God 'Phobos' was called upon in ancient times to strike fear into the heart of ones enemies. Fear, or phobia, was believed to be one of the worst punishments to be inflicted with."

I'd agree with that!

Then I Googled Phobos to find that Phobos is often depicted as "staring backwards with eyes that glowed with fire. His mouth was full of teeth in a white row, fearful and daunting…"

Phobos often is depicted as having a lion’s or lion-like head. Interesting, given that I am a Leo. Are more Leos than other star signs typically afflicted with this horror/terror/fear that is chronic severe anxiety?

Phobos has a twin brother: Demios - the personification of terror. And then there is Phrike - the Greek Goddess of shivering and tremor. But I don't know where she fits into the Greek God genealogy!

Anyway - an interesting aside I thought. And the image above by Matt Lindley I feel captures some of the dizzying turmoil felt when in the grasp of anxiety - terrors and phobia.

Severe terrifying disabling anxiety - fear that I'm dying

2012-07-12T10:57:00.003+12:00

I'm having an extremely terrifying frightening time. All day and all night terror and panic. Lots of books and web pages say that panic symptoms peak within 10 minutes then ease off. No they bloody well don't - either they don't or I don't have an anxiety disorder. It,s because my husband is away...I haven't been able to sleep...even after having taken a sedative. Sheer panic sheer hell....upset stomach, can't eat, nausea, retching and vomiting. Severely tense and wound up.

Just found these interesting snippets at: http://tinybuddha.com/ and I keep reading and reading things like this to try and keep the unrelenting fear/terror at bay. But I guess I'm not listening to its message!

The anxiety message simple; it’s just three words: STOP! YOU’RE HURTING!

When an experience like anxiety is pleading for you to stop and notice that you’re hurting, and you know this, your next step is to find that hurt. Its severity is proportionate to the scope of what you have to address—so if you feel like you’re going to die, look for something big!

Its methods of stopping you are varied. It will use whatever works so that you’ll finally pay attention - it will customise for you.

The loudest stop message can appear as a panic attack and causes a sensation that you feel like you’re going to die. Dying is the ultimate definition of stopping within our physical experience, and that’s why we can feel that way.

The good news is that it’s an illusion. Anxiety will not hurt you in that way; but until you catch on, start listening, and heal the source of the messages, it will keep trying to spin you around so that you’re facing it long enough to hear what it’s trying to say.

“Hey! I’m talking to you! Is she still ignoring me? UGH! OK body, it’s your turn. Make her feel like her heart will explode, make her feel like she's shutting down. HA! You stopped working overtime didn’t you? Gotcha! Now look…we need to talk…What? Now you’re hiding in a movie? Oh no you don't! PANIC ATTACK!”

It’s being maintained by you , for you, until it gets enough of your attention for healing to take place. Whatever you keep doing or ignoring (maybe the things that led to its nascence) will continue to recreate it until you go about things differently. This is an important realisation because it can help you shift from feeling victimised to feeling empowered. It can only continue as long as you delay tending to what’s beneath the message. Anxiety cannot cause you to feel discomfort forever. It will motivate you to heal, and then leave once you do.

Anxiety messages can come from anything negative you’ve chosen to carry forward. It can be a traumatic or painful event left unresolved (usually through having had an attitude of sucking-it-up, being tough, trying to forget etc.).

Spending time with anxiety to discover the source of the message and what you have to heal can be achieved in many ways. You have to find what works best for you, but here’s a great series of approaches that seem to help everybody:

Welcome it.
Make friends and peace with anxiety immediately. Talk to yourself and the anxiety reassuringly: It’s OK. I’m listening. I want to hear what you have to say. I know you’re just trying to get my attention and that the more directly and peacefully I listen, the sooner you’ll stop repeating yourself.

Fighting with anxiety or resisting it will cause it to persist.

Realise that you are your own solution. You have what you need to look clearly; to hear and to heal. Anxiety is a message born within you, speaking to you through you, and therefore it’s within you to heal.

By learning about anxiety, spending time with it and finally holding in your hand, you can enjoy the next step: You can relax your grip, and let it fall away. It will have served its purpose. You will have loved that part of yourself and it won’t need to get your attention with such a difficult message again.

I think I've found my hurt and the source of my fears.....right..I'm off to find out how to deal with it......

Terrified

2012-07-07T15:26:00.002+12:00

Under 'normal' circumstances, my husband's going away for work would not be a problem. Given recent 'abnormal' circumstances.....I am in a complete state about it. DH has to go to Sydney for a conference that he himself feels is a waste of time etc etc. I have been having enough trouble getting through each day - now I have to get through four and a half days and 4 nights without him. I've just gotten over the flu only to have another sore throat and the feeling that I'm about to get something else - I just cannot bear the thought of more illness....my body won't cope...it will kill me to have anything else.

I am so terrified that I am going to drop dead and leave our son on his own. Of course he won't be on his own because he has a friend living two doors down on one side of the street and two on the other side of the street.....plus one time I was having a huge panic attack he said he was going next door to get help! :/ So he'll be fine - it's me we need to worry about.

The deep down problem that I haven't told anyone is - I don't want my son being left with my husband. DH fluffs around like and old mother hen, can't cope with minor annoyances and completely loses it with DH most nights if not EVERY evening and everyday in the weekend. I really want to film him on my mobile phone just to show him how he looks and sounds. It can be quite frightening...and it certainly doesn't help with our son because he either says "Daddy you scared me" or just laughs at his Dad and winds him up even more.

This has been a problem ever since DS was born. DH just doesn't seem to do well. Sure he's great with playing with DS - but such a short fuse. I've tried and tried to discuss the inappropriateness of his reactions. I've written in a diary, but long since threw that away....I wanted to keep a record just in case we end up having a custody battle one day.

The odd thing is; home life is probably going to be a whole lot less stressful this week without him. I get tense as soon as he arrives home after work - I feel my arms clench up. I can't stand the sight or sound (noisy eater and mouth breather) of him. He snores loudly all night and his breath stinks. I told him time and time again about his breath. He's tried flossing and tongue brushing - it still smells like rotting vegetation. Our sex life is non-existent since the miscarriage - but then it's never been flash from the start (13 years ago). Now I've got an excuse. I know it takes two - but well I've just never really been physically attracted to him. Sometimes I wonder how and why I've hung around so long. I sound so mean - he's stood by me and supported me and everyone thinks he's the sweetest, kindest most caring and loyal guy. Its me that's the problem; I'm a bitch.

Maybe I should take this week to consider our future. I suspect that despite my panic about being left in charge that I might feel relief. It'll be a good time for me and DS to be together.

Flu-like illness or (Herxheimer reaction?) as an intermission from my usual anxiety

2012-06-27T10:32:00.000+12:00

My son had a fever with headache last week (Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday - not Friday oddly where he went on to score five goals during soccer). Panic stations for me....NOooooooooo, I can't cope with more illness...my body won't cope....it will kill me. Frantic handwashing and hand sanitising....no touching nose, mouth or eyes.

Then my friend calls to say she is sick, severe body aches, chills, fever and cough. Oh great. I'll stay away then. But she needed help - she had no tissues or toilet paper and was too weak to get up and out. So I went to the nearby dairy and got her some tissues and lemonade (and raided our toilet paper stash here at home. Brave her house. OMG she looked and sounded terrible....looked like full on flu despite her having had a flu shot. Or maybe a chest infection? Selfishly I didn't want to get too close but I ended up spending about half an hour - trying to be sympathetic and trying not to breath in virus particles. I had rubbed hand sanitiser under my nose and on my hands....more hand sanitiser upon leaving. Spent the next two days freaking that I would get her sickness and as bad.

Well I got sick - and probably more likley from my son. For the past two or three days, I’ve had a fever, the aches, and a sore throat, snotty head, fatigue. I'm supposed to be having rest cos of this damn nervous breakdown, miscarriage etc etc - but now I'm freaking about the symptoms I'm experiencing in association with this cold.

For just about everyone, having a cold or the flu is a bummer. But for people with anxiety disorders, it can be extremely unpleasant, torturous. If, like me, you’re easily triggered into a panic by physiological changes, then it goes without saying that a fever or the mildly elevated heart rate that often accompanies the fever and aches and pains, dizziness etc can be extremely difficult, frightening to deal with.

I won’t even get into the horrible Catch-22 of cold meds and decongestants. They can easily fix one problem (e.g. congestion) but produce another problem ( jitters or spaciness) that can ramp up anxiety (I'm sticking with plain old panadol and zinc (with B6 etc.), olive leaf extract, manuka honey).

Hmmmmm maybe this is all a 'healing crisis' or the so-called Herxheimer reaction in response to microbial die off......oh yay - that means good health will be on the way in the next few days????!!!!!!

Teacher update

2012-06-22T10:27:00.001+12:00

I managed to have a talk with my son's teacher and it was all very positive and I'm so relieved I went. I also need to apologise for all my ranting here. However, in saying that - I not completely convinced that the children aren't being reprimanded inappropriately at times.

***** (most people I know seem to have five letters in their name) had been being particularly difficult the past couple of weeks, climbing around under tables and distracting the rest of the class. Not sitting still, not looking at here when she was talking and appearing to not be listening (and it is so frustrating when he does that because he damn well comes up with the answers when questioned - so he hears everything) While she couldn't recall the incident I witnessed she felt that I hadn't seen it in context. She was really upset to think that I was upset by what I saw and didn't want me thinking she was in anyway singling him out or mean-spirited. I had to admit to her I was thinking that.

She thanked me for my being open and coming to see her and I must say I found her very approachable and accommodating about it all - she was in no way defensive. And we came up with a plan for dealing with ***** behaviour and boredom. An individual reward system has been implemented for each child in the class and we're using a star-chart book to reinforce ***** in class.

I did get a reply from the 'third party' (after I'd spoken with the teacher) and this is the gist of it:

"I can honestly say I have never witnessed any unfair treatment of ***** in the time I've been doing
parent help. I have seen ***** be firm with ***** but then I've seen her do the same with ***** and the other kids as well. It has never struck me as unfair or isolating him out in anyway. I'd certainly say if I thought otherwise as Id hate for ***** to be in that situation and not be told."

So now I'm going to take everything I hear with a pinch of salt and try not to be Anxiety Girl and jump to the worst conclusions in a single bound! Sigh.....

Lesson learned.

2012-06-19T09:35:00.000+12:00

No response from the teacher yet. I'm frustrated and angry...gotta try and keep a lid on it. But me being 'anxiety girl' - I'm leaping to all possible conclusions.

www.nataliedee.com

I'm having visions of her ranting to others about my wanting a meeting and pretending to not get my email. Me saying "if you aren't prepared to be professional and adult I will speak with the Principal directly".

Then I hear that she had a hospital appointment yesterday afternoon. Oh great, I've heard she is trying to get pregnant....I bet she is pregnant.....she'll blame her hormones. So what?! I'll say "pregnancy is NOT an illness and you'll just have to be professional and contain yourself....hormones are not permission to shame, humiliate and bully".

And I'll be mighty fucked off if she has a successful pregnancy (that's just going to upset how I feel about my miscarriage)- and if she does I hope she has an active boy......ooooh ouch meeeooww.

And then there's the thought that she's going to deny everything (at this point I will have only referred to what I have witnessed), I'll be made to feel like I'm just stirring etc etc. And things could get worse for ***** for my having brought the issue up. But I have to; not just for my son's sake but all his classmates too.

Of course this is just my thoughts. And if things do pan out as I've imagined...I'll just try my utmost to remain calm and poised, end the conversation and take my findings (I've documented everything) to the Principal.

Oh I feel ill.....I'm so tense, wound up....my head feels like it is in a vice and going to explode. I feel like I might vomit.

Meet the teacher

2012-06-18T12:08:00.003+12:00

I was going to wait until I had gathered 'evidence' from a third party (third parent teacher help) but no....bugger it.

After my weekly session with my psychologist I have come to realise that that is how I tend to deal with things - not value my own feeling or evidence as being enough to want to do something about. So I get angrier and angrier at the person I believe to done wrong and angrier and angrier at myself for having not been assertive enough to do anything about it. That's what happened over the weekend...I stewed and stewed, got angrier and angrier and made myself sick with stress and worry and couldn't sleep and feel more tired (if that's possible) and run down and sad...more and more crying and thinking I'm going to die or have a brain haemorrhage (and die).

It's easier to turn my feelings of anxiety about dealing a problem into physical you see - cos I feel like physical problems could be more serious (leading to death) and therefore more worthy of help (apparently - all sounds a bit Freudian to me).

Anway, I'm not waiting on hearing from the third party - I'm going to trust my feelings and am going do something about it based on what I've seen and heard.

I sent an email:

Hi ***** (teacher's name),

I would like to arrange a time this week to come and see you and catch up with how ***** (son's name) is progressing in class. Would one day straight after school suit?

Cheers,

***** (my name).

I'll keep you all posted on how it goes of course :P

Teacher as bully - part two - food poisoning/stomach bug.

2012-06-15T18:04:00.001+12:00

And still it goes on - according to one source/spy. However, I'm not sure how reliable this source is. I'm going ask a few questions of another parent helper next week. If this parent helper confirms what has been said already - then I'm going to email *****'s teacher and set up a meeting to discuss *****'s behaviour in class.

I've been told that ***** is being left out of performance practise, been made to stand behind a whiteboard and stare at the ceiling for periods of up to 20 min. I don't know who or what to believe.

It breaks my heart to think that my son might be being singled out for taking off frustrations out on and making an embarrassment or example of. Worse...he could get left behind, be disadvantaged in his learning - all because his teacher might not be able to cope with him - or simply has taken a dislike to him.

AND she can't spell, has serious grammatical issues - I'm not sure I want someone like that teaching my child to read and write. Her job title in her email signature is spelt incorrectly, she doesn't know which there, their, they're, to or too to use when.....grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

In other frustrations - I think I have food poisoning or a stomach bug. Woke up before 1 am with stomach cramps....have made SEVERAL trips to the toilet to do extremely watery diarrhoea (i.e. peeing out my bum). Not pleasant.....I'm so sore, crampy and tired and headachey, gas pains under shoulders - how much more can my poor body survive?! To top it all off I have period cramps too - as you can imagine I feel very unclean and gross. Why does this all keep happening?

PLEASE!!!! HAVEN"T I BEEN DEALT ENOUGH ALREADY?!!!! CRY sob cry whimper.

My son's teacher might be a bully

2012-06-13T16:35:00.000+12:00

I know my son, ***** can be a little toad sometimes. He's a boy...he's active..he finds it hard to sit still....but he hears everything, picks up on everything and is very bright. He gets bored easily.
A couple of weeks ago two women told me that they felt my son was being picked on by his teacher. These women do teacher help twice a week in my son's classroom. They noticed that ***** gets sent into 'time-out',' the thinking spot',' naughy spot' or whatever you want to call it very frequently (most days in fact) and for seemingly trivial things when other kids are getting up to much worse. He's been left out of practises for school productions and told he will be able to join back in when he can show he can behave. Other kids have been trying to stick up for him! He's only 5 - he's a lovely cuddly, kind wee boy - he has wonderful empathy for others.
Well...I didn't take too much notice. I gave the teacher the benefit of the doubt and some credit for having to deal with a lot, boys being boys etc. As I said I know ***** can be a little $%#* sometimes.

That was until today - today when I witnessed it for myself:

So....I was waiting outside the classroom in the sun - for the bell to go. I could see ***** but he didn't see me. He was sitting nice and quietly. Next thing I hear Mrs Teacher go off at him....."***** and Sajid if you don't sit properly we can't get this done before the bell goes (handing out books)". "***** sit properly". And then "Class, is this how we sit properly (no response from any of them)?" Poor ***** looked confused and went bright red, he didn't know what he was doing wrong or what he was expected to do. I moved over so that Mrs Teacher could see that I was there and gave her my hardest glare...he wasn't doing anything wrong! Others kids were standing, moving around, talking, laughing...not even sitting. How dare you make an example and embarrassment of my son! Fuckin' bitch. I don't trust her now and I hope to hell she doesn't change my precious boy into someone with no empathy.....

I am so upset and heartbroken.....I feel like my whole body has sunk into the ground. I've cried. I'm confused...I don't know what to do about it......AND.......

Another thing; a friend who has her son in the same class asked me "what I would do if ***** came home and told me that another kid had been touching his willy while on the mat?" Because that is exactly what her son came home and told her! What the hell is going on in that class?

Turns out that the boy suspected of inappropriate touching slaps my son often - but does he get sent to time out....no he doesn't.....he gets a final warning, then another and another......(so I'm told).

Recalcitrant upper-mid back pain - argghhhhhh

2012-06-13T13:09:00.002+12:00

My fuckin' mid-upper back is unbearable today. I can't escape it....tried cracking it on the floor....stretching, hanging from the door frames (not upside down), pain killers - you name it. I've been seen to writhe around on the floor trying to free up 'the spot'. I've screamed into a pillow. I've been for a walk. I'm popping it in and out. This has been going on for more than 10 years. Most days I can just cope with it; then every so often I think 'enough' there must be something that can be done.

I'm writhing around in my chair now. Twisting as far as I can to my left...then my right. No cracking noises today - got it to crack yesterday. Arggghhhh maybe it is worse or less tolerable premenstrually??!!!

I've been to physios, chiros, osteos, masseuses, acupuncturists, swimming, yoga, had deep heat rubbed in, used hot water bottles. The only relief has been obtained from chiropractors (average of three days relief), acupuncturists (a week of relief), massage (few days) and swimming (pretty good if I keep it up). Hmmm.....had better start up the swimming again! Time to trim down or get anew pair of togs (and a bikini line wax).

Out of Action

2012-06-12T10:03:00.001+12:00

Another bad day today - I can't get myself to move, I'm panicky and there is a sense of foreboding - like something is wrong or something bad is about to happen. Probably just premenstrual....but whatever it is it is so damn unpleasant :( I'm so tired.

And everything hurts....it feels like the depression has seeped into my bones....into my bone marrow even. Not bone marrow depression but...well you know what I mean?!

Oh...I can even be bothered writing.....I'm out of action....see you tomorrow?

Sick 'n' Tired 'n' Angry

2012-06-08T10:23:00.003+12:00

I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. I was feeling quite good...getting all crafty and making and baking things for my son. This past week I hurt all over and have that awful bone-crushing fatigue. I also have a strange sensation at my left upper abdomen - as if something is stuck or twisted. Is it irritable bowel, is it an enlarged spleen? God knows!!

I'm getting angry with everyone - just because I look OK from the outside doesn't mean that I am OK. I feel terrible OK....how many times to I have to try and explain it - especially to my family? I'm sick to death of it all. I'm sick and tired of having to squeegee the windows every morning...litres and litres of condensation dripping off. And the resultant mould - having to clean the walls and ceilings once a month, along with emptying out all the drawers and getting mould out. Inside the wardrobes. No wonder we're all sick all Winter. Waking up with irritated throats and tonnes of postnasal drip every morning. What is wrong with this country - next to no insulation so that now everyone is having to insulate retrospectively and install ventilation and heat pump systems. Our landlord doesn't seem interested in doing that - even though it will ultimately protect her asset. I'm sure the walls are rotten and mouldy through and through. Even the carpets are harbouring mould spores - I can smell it. Grrrrrrrr....its so depressing.

Will we ever be in a position to own our own place where we can install a ventilation and heating system?