Pass It On

The Loss of a Child (Loss, not death!)

2012-06-04T12:04:00.002-07:00

In the story of my growing up and maturing, the book Ronin-Cita, I told the humorous tale of a dead wife. The ghost of a memory who turned into a reality once I grew up. I never knew in my wildest dreams of writing through the make believe death of my wife, that I would actually lose a child soon after the completion of the book.

How can one describe that pain. It is not a joke either like in Ronin. I did not lose her to death, I lost her to something so much worse. I lost her to life. Death is easy to deal with and accept on a certain level. But life, that is different. So much different indeed.

I started this current book as a humorous spoof about me and my mini-van that I acquired in Ronin. I never knew that a month later, the tone of my life would change so drastically, that I would still write with humor, but the darkness that accompanied it, would make Luke Magnotta look sane.

To lose a child, Wow, I have seen a lot pain in life, but I have seen a LOT more fun, lol. But this is different. It is not the greatest pain, it is not the longest, or any other summarative adjective. It is simply the most complete however. Some pains have colors attached to them, red-hot, white, or black, but the pain of losing a child is different. It needs no color, for in its completeness, it simply is. Hmmm, kinda like God "I am" - "It is."

But was a warrior, I have to respect it l for it is the perfect strike in its totality. When the enemy strikes you with a knockout blow, a true fighter enjoys it. For you have just learned a weakness in your fight. A true fighter does not fight because it is fun, a true fighter, has fun because he is fighting – there is a huge difference.

So when the enemy strikes you with the perfect blow; a blow that is complete in every conceivable way, it poses a quandary to a fighter. Do you hate him for it, or rather do you love him for it. The choice is not an easy one. For in the end you have to choose between the pain of your loss and your identity. If you choose the pain, you betray who you really are. If you choose your identity, then you deny the pain, and therefore the love you had for that child.

But Me, I have always chose option C in life. So I do here. I look for a way to blend the two into one perfect unit.

2012-06-04T11:15:00.001-07:00

In the story of my growing up and maturing, the book Ronin-Cita, I told the humorous tale of a dead wife. The ghost of a memory who turned into a reality once I grew up. I never knew in my wildest dreams of writing through the make believe death of my wife, that I would actually lose a child soon after the completion of the book. How can one describe that pain. It is not a joke either like in Ronin. I did not lose her to death, I lost her to something so much worse. I lost her to life. Death is easy to deal with and accept on a certain level. But life, that is different. So much different indeed. I started this book as a humorous spoof about me and my mini-van that I acquired in Ronin. I never knew that a month later, the tone of my life would change so drastically, that I would still write with humor, but the darkness that accompanied it, would make Luke Magnotta look sane. To lose a child, Wow, I have seen a lot pain in life, but I have seen a LOT more fun, lol. But this is different. It is not the greatest pain, it is not the longest, or any other summarative adjective. It is simply the most complete however. Some pains have colors attached to them, red-hot, white, or black, but the pain of losing a child is different. It needs no color, for in its completeness, it simply is. Hmmm, kinda like God "I am" - "It is." But was a warrior, I have to respect it l for it is the perfect strike in its totality. When the enemy strikes you with a knockout blow, a true fighter enjoys it. For you have just learned a weakness in your fight. A true fighter does not fight because it is fun, a true fighter, has fun because he is fighting – there is a huge difference. So when the enemy strikes you with the perfect blow; a blow that is complete in every conceivable way, it poses a quandary to a fighter. Do you hate him for it, or rather do you love him for it. The choice is not an easy one. For in the end you have to choose between the pain of your loss and your identity. If you choose the pain, you betray who you really are. If you choose your identity, then you deny the pain, and therefore the love you had for that child. But Me, I have always chose option C in life. So I do here. I look for a way to blend the two into one perfect unit.

A new Chapter

2012-02-13T09:54:00.000-08:00

So today we wrote a new chapter in "Ronin" our upcoming book. It is entitled "gravity" and is about some thoughts of the angel in the story, Clarence.

Gravity
(Written 1/18 – 1/19/12;; edited 1/24/12)
He was a true warrior this one, but he had become the wolf. How else could the boy escape the pain? How else could he escape the pain, that the he had surely felt? The pain of a bleeding heart such as his, that absorbed all the pain it saw in the world?
How could Clarence blame the boy? The boy, whom he looked down upon in equally proportionate measures of love and pity. The wolves that had terrorized him had dragged him down in a whirlwind of gravity that the angel could understand.
It was the reason that angels in pictures had wings. Because how else could they fly? How else could they escape the vortex of downward thoughts that entrapped man? The gravity of his own self-doubt and loathing?
These humans in their nature lived in a duality that angels like Clarence did not have to endure. Angels looked upon the face of God day in and day out. It was their world, it was all they knew and loved.
Even in times of trouble, when they helped the humans behind the scenes, it was not the humans they saw. It was manifestations of the creator’s face that they saw. It was all they ever saw. It is what kept them holy.
He thought of the example of an airplane. The law of gravity was the strongest force in the known physical universe of man. It was absolute. What goes up, must come down. Yet according the laws of aerodynamics, man was able to defy this law. Birds could defy it, but only for brief periods of time.
People gave credit to their shape, but that was not really it. The real trick was that they had to work. They had to stay in motion. If at any time they stopped moving, or stopped holding their wings out while gliding, they would fall to their doom.
Man needed fuel. He never actually flew, he simply put off falling.
His aircraft could not fly without powerful rocket boosters that gave artificial power to him. Artificial power, because it was neither eternal nor limitless. Gravity never ran out, but the fuel tanks that flew his ships would eventually. He would fall eventually.
He had to stay in his plane while flying. It was only there that he was safe from falling. If he were to step outside, he would be stepping into his physical demise.
That is what made angels special, why people thought they had wings. It was because they never fell. They did not need artificial means to avoid the downward spiral of negativity. They were immune from the spiritual maladies that afflicted man and caused him to think downward thoughts and die. They could not fall, because they never looked down.
The only force attracting them was that of the creator who they gazed upon constantly. It was their fuel; it was their safe ship that would never run out of fuel. They had not need for rockets; theirs was the ultimate creative power of the universe.
Humans, like the boy who lie dying alone in the dead of a ditch, could see God’s face, but only through prayer. It was so much harder for them, and in that time they did not feel the spiritual effects of gravity on their soul. They felt full of love and grace.
They were not afflicted by the spiritual maladies of wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy and gluttony. They were both uninfected and unaffected, by the spiritual poisoning of gravity.
When one with their God, they could fly as the angels could, above the sorrows of their gravitational existence. The existence which kept them tied to the ground, always looking down, instead of up. Always trying to get up the hill, while thinking downward thoughts.
There was of course, Lucifer who had looked away from God once. One, who on the high wire ahd made the dreadful mistake of looking down. Resultant of it, he became the spiritual infection that plagued the humanity below. The original to fall, he created the gravity that pulled man down.
Clarence and company however, provided men the lift they needed, as men were open to it. But poor humanity. How hard must it be for them to keep their eyes on the prize. Poor humanity, thought Clarence. By their every nature, it was not possible to eternally gaze upon the Creator, the way that Clarence was able to.
Of course, he had come to them in many forms. He had even become manifest as a Carpenter’s son, so that he could enter their world, and make it possible for them. In a physical form, they could never look upon him without ceasing.
However, he could live inside of them. He always had, but by becoming incarnate in flesh, they were able to see it. They were able to believe it. Even in times of weakness, they could always fall back to the power that he had showed them inside of themselves.
In this way wondered Clarence, were they not even above the angels? It was truly awesome as it was to gaze upon him all day long. The humans on the other hand, literally had access to the unadulterated power of his heart at any given moment. The downside of course, was that they had to fight to access it.
After all, the Creator was not stupid. He would give them access only to his power, but never control. It was Clarence’ job to help the boy, who lie dying alone in the dead of a ditch, to know how to use this properly. Because looking down at the boy who had silly thoughts of hocking his soul, in hopes of revenge, Clarence knew that he would need it.

Funny, but all too true

2010-10-14T16:07:00.001-07:00

from my wife's Facebook page

So I get back from time in prayer at the beach and the boys are upstairs fighting with each other. Sean jokingly yells upstairs "Gee boys, thanks for bringing mommy away from the presence of God!" Then we hear them running downstairs like a herd of elephants "Presents??? You bought us presents?!" Hey, at least it got them to stop fighting!

Remember to Dream

2010-10-07T12:32:00.001-07:00

Remember to dream, and dream big! Small dreams are the devil's workshop. Big dreams give the Holy Spirit room to work within the crisis that life will present you. God can give you so much more than you can dream, but you have to give him something to beat.

Be Still

2010-09-27T11:37:00.001-07:00

Be Still and know that I am God. What you can get done in 10 years, I can get done in 10 seconds - but you have to allow me to...

Omni-Everything

2010-09-20T07:40:00.001-07:00

Why do people call me omnipotent? It is such a limiting term for my power, billy-goats are omniverous, do you make me sound like something I created? I am beyond omnipotent, I am omni-everything. It is not just all "Powerful" it is beyond that. I can do anything you allow me to, but can you really allow me to? Are you that open, trusting, believing??

Make Today the day

2010-08-27T12:24:00.001-07:00

You will have many great days the rest of your life. But let's work together to "Make" today the best day ever. You have control over this - if your definition of success, is serving my Kingdom. Set aside what you are going to do, in the midst of everything all day that is not me, that is of me. We will have many other great days - and terrible things may even happen today - but in 5 years, when we look back together, how will we remember today as a day of service to my kingdom?

Pass it on

2010-08-16T14:05:00.001-07:00

REPOSTED _ This was the first blog that started all this off some time ago. Felt like reposting it. As a "Warrior", I can appreciate a bad dude. On Sunday February 3rd of this year, I had a cathartic moment in church. Jesus was one bad dude (The word I typically use, is one that is much stronger than "Dude" however).

I mean think about it - he tricked Satan into crucifying him - that is BAD! Satan is not stupid, he knew that Jesus could rise if he killed him, but Jesus painted him into a corner, man - that is TOUGH!I cannot even cut my fingernails without whining - and he tricked Satan into this. I guess it makes me wonder how I can possibly be losing any battles in my life, with someone that "Bad" at my back. I guess I am just fighting the wrong battles most of the time. Every time I fight a battle with him, it seems I have a miracle happen.

This is written from a "Warrior's" Point of view. It is a daily blog some of the thing God has done for me, but also the spiderweb effect it has had in my life, with people who have heard of these things before; a chance for them to inspire others with their blessings.

Do not let the past rule the future

2010-08-06T09:19:00.001-07:00

Do Not Let the Past Rule the Future. Don't make decisions based on your past - it is too limited, even if it is good - it is the past of one person out of 6 billion. Trust your instincts and allow all things in the universe to work for god - through you. You cannot see the future I have for you, but you can feel it. Don't think - your thought patterns are based on the past. Feel, your heart is the key to me and my future for you

Fill your life with "My" people

2010-07-27T08:20:00.001-07:00

Fill Your Life with My People and I will guide you. Fill your business, your personal life with my people and I will take care of everything else. Don't worry how, I work in ways you cannot see.

Take care of my people first, not worrying about money, time or effort and I will take care of you. But who are my people - are they your people? Are they different than you would want to be around. Can you discern who I died for and did not? It sounds easy, but is it?

I created Time

2010-07-19T09:05:00.001-07:00

Always gonig on and on about how busy life is, are you? You still have no idea of my power, compared to what you can achieve. Squeeze time into me and I will multiply it, not me into time.

Day Three of the fast

2010-07-15T08:25:00.000-07:00

Well, it is day three of the fast, and it is easier than I thought it would be so far, which probably means that it will get tough later on! But I am encouraging people to join me either today, or tomorow - just eat fruits and veggies for a day. That is not what i am doing, but it is what you can do!

Day One of the 40 day Fast

2010-07-13T08:00:00.000-07:00

Today is the first day of a 40 day fast for me. It is for a few things - I was reading about Ghandi recently, and how he used fasting as a weapon in spiritual warfare. I have fasted often myself - and do not always encourage it for others - but I am using this one to build my inner will (Volition). I am offering it up as a prayer as well for all the churches in Los Angeles - that they are given vision and wisdom and courage.

Anyone reading this is welcome to join me - even for a day - just eat fruits and veggies. Or e-mail me, and I will hold you up in prayer as well that day. Today however, the first day is dedicated to some friends who have a court case today over conservator issues with a disabled family member.

Sean

Do Not Let the Past Rule the Future

2010-06-30T17:02:00.001-07:00

Fill Your World with My People

2010-06-17T07:36:00.000-07:00

Funny - when I look back at times when business was good and business was bad - there is pretty much only one common theme to it all. i doubt this is the same for everyone, but it is sure what has worked for me - so why do I still not follow it to this day. I am like one of those mice that keeps biting cheese that electorcutes it!

"There is a difference between working for man, and working for me. Fill your life with my people and I will tke care of the rest. Take care of my sheep, and I will take care of you. Stop spending all day marketing and administrating. Spend your time filling your life and business with my people, and just allow me to do the rest for you." - God

Go as Fast as You Want My Son

2010-06-14T07:48:00.001-07:00

Go as fast as you want son, I won't let you fall! I have promised you so much, and yet you still hold back. When you were riding bicycles with your son today, and you were behind him, and told him to go as fast as he can, because there was nothing to be afraid of, you would catch him if he fell. He trusted you 100%. Trust me the same, I won't let you fall my son, I promise you, not trust me.

Tying the Past, Present and Future Together

2010-06-07T10:37:00.001-07:00

When we think of where we've been, we usualy think of things based in relationship - even accomplishments are thought of in terms later on, of how they effected relationships. When we think of where we are, we think of areas of lack or fullness, and often times the future is in terms of wants.

How to look at all three based on our relationship with God? How do we tie all three together and use all three to focus on ur relationship with God, it is not possible. But it is for Christ. It can only be done through him, and when we do, the sense of peace, accomplishment and wonder is amazing.

Revelations

2010-05-25T01:02:00.001-07:00

We are always looking for revelations of some sort when we pray, answers to our problems and those around us. But the best form of prayer can be like today, where there are no revelations, just hanging with the presence.

Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf

2010-05-20T07:09:00.001-07:00

Why do you always fret over money? How is it, that a tool has such ownership over you? How is it that you rather than using the tool, constantly live in fear of it - a tool? I made everything you can sense and feel, including the people who manufacture that tool. Stop fearing the tool and start TRUSTING the maker more.

Stop Making Your Troubles Bigger than Me

2010-05-17T07:19:00.000-07:00

Stop making your Problems Bigger than me. I am the force that created the universe that can solve your troubles. As long as you continue to worship misery and pain, you cannot worship me! Stop making your problems bigger than me!

He Will Attack You Then

2010-05-13T13:55:00.000-07:00

The Devil will attack you most when you are tired. it is not coincidence that he attacked Jesus after 40 days in the desert. I wanted to spend more time in prayer recently, but realized that the best thing I could do that day, was to get some rest. We tend to ask God to heal our wounds, but we never rest enough for him to do that.

Let Go and let God

2010-05-11T07:30:00.001-07:00

There are two major events coming up that you have to plan. As long as you try to please me, and work as hard as you can, I will take care of the rest. Why are you so worried, you are thinking too much about pleasing other people, rather than God - learn from the lesson of Marta and Marian...

Who is Controlling Who

2010-05-04T07:09:00.000-07:00

Riding my bike by the ocean today, I was struck by a sense of awe at my own arrogance. The way I tell God what needs to be done, when and how. I know so much, and God seems to know so little, if you ever listen to the way I pray. I am a drop, yet he formed the oceans with a single word. The drop that controlled the Ocean, someone should write a story about me.

Remember to Dream

2010-04-18T19:29:00.000-07:00