Fries on Top??

Why I'm back

2014-02-27T16:10:00.004-05:00

The last several days you would perhaps find me scrolling through my old posts, remembering, recalling, and reliving some of the most joyous moments that I have had with my family.

I realized recently that it has been around 2 years since I have regularly written. 2 years of stolen moments, that I will never really be able and look back and remember. Oh, sure I will remember some things, but not every funny moment. Not even the hard ones. That's a super sad thought for me.

So people, that is why I am back. To journal /chronicle our life for my kids to read someday. For me to be able and look at the past and remember.
I have been wanting to for months, just haven't made the time. No better time to start than right now, right?
I can't promise an every day post, but I am going to make a much bigger effort to capture time.
Cheers!

Paybacks Are a Bitch.

2013-02-01T14:04:00.002-05:00

Teenagers are a mystery. Aren't they? Each one is unique, each one has a different personality. Human development is so fascinating to me. The hormones, the learning curves, the way the brain operates... the disconnect between thinking and doing... Or not thinking, and doing anyway.

Trying to remember myself at that age is easy... Doesn't feel like it was that long ago. I am really trying to understand why, where, and how my kids come up with the things they do.
Sometimes I don't know whether to laugh or to cry, or even get mad.
They are a reflection of you in the community... (I have said this all before) and so we do our best to give them the appropriate tools to flourish under our wings, while we are their guides on the path.

So, what the heck does one do, when you get a phone call from the school, wondering if your poor little girl is doing OK... That they heard she was so incredibly sick, and she was in the hospital for a long time, and now we are swamped with hospital bills, and are UNABLE to pay for a $15.00 Gym fee, so they would like to give us a scholarship to help pay for it......Ummm. Wha???

Yes. My mouth literally dropped open. and I didn't (still don't) know what to say. My son told a whopper of a story to squirm out of trouble for not bringing in the money for his Gym fee on time. None of it was true of course, and although I know there are parents that can't afford to pay this, which my heart goes out to, I am very grateful to not be in that position.

This was the icing on the cake for me today, as I had received ANOTHER call 30 minutes earlier from ANOTHER teacher for another whopper, this time about a report that was due. "Can you please help him to remember to print off his report off of his laptop that he keeps forgetting? It was due a month ago, and worth 150 points. I don't want to fail him! He said you don't have a printer, and that your flash drive broke and that the flash drive I have given him doesn't work." What report? We have a printer. Flash drive?? He doesn't have homework, ever. Right? Yeah.

All of this after a long heartwarming conversation with the child about trust, and him passionately sharing with us that how important it was to him that he earn our trust back after he lost it this past fall. That he was working so hard. All of this after me asking him DAILY~ Do you have any homework? Do you need help with anything? Anything I need to know about school? Do you need money for lunches, or ANYTHING?
Nope. Nada.

I promptly called my own mother today, ~~venting~~ sharing her the story and apologizing to her for being dishonest at times in MY own teenage years. What did my mom do? She laughed. She laughed so hard and so long, that I thought she would start crying. She giggled the entire way through our conversation. It warmed her heart to see that Paybacks are a bitch after all. She immediately found the silver lining... "Your son is a GREAT creative writer! She should write a book! Or a play!" Hah. Thanks mom.

I wonder if duct tape and rope would be appropriate. Just KIDDING! ...sorta.

Up against the WALL

2013-01-30T10:28:00.001-05:00

You know I'm losing my mind when I start daydreaming about going back into the work force in order to get some space from the three year old.
I swear there's some kind of magic that happens when your toddler becomes a preschooler. They become Max in "Where The Wild Things Are". I SWEAR. Their imaginary world becomes very very real, and they MUST act out all of their fears, and ideas. Even if they aren't safe or smart ideas. They must see how fast they can push you backward to the very edge of your sanity. Up against the wall of your boundaries. They need to see how incredibly powerful they are. To see how incredibly strong YOU are. They require guidelines, boundaries. I know they crave it. I think they push you just to see if the lines really are drawn. Any time you give in, they have been grated the OK to step over the line, and you are one step farther backwards than you should be.

The last week Izzy has been sick with a nasty virus/cold and she has been wanting comfort to sleep in our bed, close to us... mainly on me. She climbs, wiggles, scoots all over me in her sleep, as she coughs, sniffles and hacks on us. Now, she won't sleep in her bed. Doesn't matter. We are back to square one from a YEAR AGO. I'm dreading the battle that's about to commence of getting her back into her bed, and back onto her schedule. She is one strong willed creature.

Today she had remembered that I had removed the bandaides out of her reach yesterday, and she somehow FOUND them, and opened every single little package, and destroyed the box. This took her 5 minutes. ALL while I was changing a poopy diaper of the little 5 month old I nanny. THEN, she was able to grab the "Simply Saline" nose medicine while I was making a bottle for the baby, and sprayed the solution ALL over the baby. Didn't hurt the baby thank goodness. Mind you this was out of reach. She found it. As I was feeding the baby she had grabbed an organic healing ointment and was digging her fingers in it. This all occurred in 20 minutes time from start to finish.

All of these items were out of reach.. but obviously not good enough. She knows better. She knows my boundaries.
She was swiftly removed to her room while I counted to 10 a few dozen times.

On top of that, her ears have tuned out when I call her name, when I need her to stop a behavior, or when I need her to be nice to her friends. Redirection doesn't work. I swear she is a tiny little fairy or elf bent on creating mischief.
Plus she's adorable, strong, independent, hilarious, and so smart.
Long story short... I'm screwed. Someone send wine.. er chocolate... er HELP!

Didn't Take So Long

2013-01-29T21:58:00.001-05:00

So, I have received a few emails and phone calls, wanting to know how it was going with Ryan being gone, and the rift that had been exposed in our family. Thank you all so much for the love and support during our transition.
I have to share with you, that we are absolutely fine. Ryan stayed away for a few weeks. Then one Thursday afternoon on his day off, he came knocking at the door. I was so surprised to see him! He came in and was incredibly quiet. Headed upstairs to his old room to hang out with his brother for a bit.
When he came down, he wasn't defensive... just reserved. He was in observation and protective mode. There was no anger in his eyes. Just some sheepish half smiles. He asked if he could shower. It had been a week since he had had one. Afterward, I asked him if he wanted to stay for dinner. He did. He started opening up and shared that he hadn't been eating well. He ate the entire pan of curry that I made.
I asked him if he wanted to discuss our recent past. "What is there to talk about?" he shrugged. He's not ready. That's OK.
When it was time for him to go, he asked me for a hug. I was able to hold my boy, and send him all my love.
The following Thursday he came in again, and this time, he was easygoing and relaxed. Took another shower, ate all our food again, visited, chatted, and seems so much more happy. He already asked for dinner this coming week, and asked to choose our meal.
My heart is soaring.
We talked to our counselor. We are in agreement that we made the right choice. She said that she is surprised at how fast we came back together. That normally it takes much longer.
I don't even care. I am just glad to have him back, although in a different way. He has the freedom to be himself. To fly into his life.
I took some of the comments I received from you all in the recent past, and fashioned a LONG text to Ry, sharing with him that I loved him. That I support him, that I believe in him. That I know he will be OK. That I am here. I apologized for using Izzy as a way to keep him tethered to me. It wasn't fair of me to do that to either one of them. I own that.
I truly believe he is relieved. Honestly I am too. The energy has shifted in our house. Everyone is happy!
Last night I received a text from him. It said "I love you Mama." I'm good with that. Let go, and let God, right? Let go of the outcome. Let go of the struggle. Let go of the pain, and the stress. I surrendered it all. As much as it hurt to let go of the young man who stormed out of my house angrily a few weeks ago, It feels good to know that we made it past this very important hurdle.
I am sure that it's not the end of the story. I don't know if there is a "Happily Ever After". I do believe that Just being here right now... Focusing on what's in front of me is what is most important, and That's just to be present and mindful of my life.

On Children

Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them,

but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children

as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,

and He bends you with His might

that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies,

so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Isabella is Three

2013-01-20T00:23:00.000-05:00

Dear my little princess Izzy,

You my dear, have astounded me. You are SO full of life, and zeal, joy, and love. You are stronger, sweeter, and sillier. I don't even remember a time anymore when you weren't in my life. We are so very blessed to have you. Someday you might read this when you are bigger, so I am going to share with you all about YOU. Your favorite color is Purple. You love Cinderella, and Dora. Your best friend in the whole wide world is Jack. You really truly believe you are a princess. You call me Queen Mama, and you think your Daddy is Prince Charming. You have to wear princess gowns each and every single day. You have absolutely no fear. Once tough cookie. You rarely cry when you get hurt. You didn't even cry when you had immunizations!

We still sing lullabies once in a while; Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, Stay Awake, and Baby Mine. If you could you would have me read to you for hours on end, you would. You are the master of a delayed bedtime. You have become more social this year, and will, when you feel like it speak to others. Believe me, that's a big deal! This past year, you flew to Las Vegas to see your 89 year old Great Grandma. You also went to Kennywood for the very first time, splashed in Lake Arthur, went to North Carolina, and met the Amazing Atlantic Ocean for the first time. You are 26 pounds, and over half my height. Not even kidding. You are so funny, and your laugh makes me smile every single time. I love you so so so much, and I am glad you were born. May this year, your FOURTH year, be your best yet.

Love,

Mama

Every year I have put together a video full of photos that represent Isabella's year. This year she turns three! So, Here it is!

Year TWO
Year ONE

My Princess

2013-01-14T23:25:00.000-05:00

Isabella has discovered the art of being a princess. Ball gowns, necklaces, shoes, earrings, and of COURSE a tiara. She won't wear regular clothes unless she has to. Princesses apparently don't wear street clothes. ONLY ball gowns.
If you suggest that she wear clothes:

This morning, I caught her in the bathroom, standing on the toilet lid admiring herself in the mirror. I asked her what she was doing, and she replied "I looking at my petty pincess, mama!"

Her favorite movies? Cinderella and Sofia The First, of course. She could seriously watch them 10 times a day if we let her.

Her best friend Jack thinks Princess Isabella is amazing. Of course, it's vice versa as well.

She is constantly dancing in the living room, curtsying, spinning, and her posture is that of an aristocrat. She says she is going to the ball. Her dad is apparently her Prince Charming. We have to put "ballalay" music on. I'm not complaining. I have less laundry to do, since she won't wear civillian clothing.

I can't believe she is growing up so fast. Next week~ she will be THREE. I love my little kidlet. She keeps me smiling, even when I don't want to.

Walking in a New Direction.

2013-01-13T22:12:00.000-05:00

Moving through fear, and walking toward the direction of Love. That seems to be my slogan these days, thanks to Carolyn Myss (her words).
After great insight from my sweet friend Jasa on my previous 2 posts, my mom, and a blog I read from Hands Free Mama" I feel better. I really do.

What's changed? Well, nothing... and EVERYTHING. My son left our house angry a week ago, and said he's not coming back. He plans to move back "Home" to Washington and start over. He is so furious with me for choices that I made that directly affected him. Maybe I could have made a different decision. But it's done. I can't fix that. He has a right to be mad. I'm OK with that. We had rules. They were broken. With all of that, I keep thinking that after the storm comes the rainbow, right? It's not anywhere close over here yet.

I cried. A lot. I heard all about how he was faring and his thought processes through his brother, and I cried harder.

Letting go of parenting a child is tough. Letting go of control is tough. Letting go of an outcome is tough.
I learned through all of my outlets, that all parents go through this in one form or another. We all have to go through this process of letting go. It's such a challenging part of the parenting journey. If we don't let go, we enable our children to continue destructive behavior. As much as I want to change my decision, I understand that it has to be this way. I realized that my energy is better spent on the children that are still living in my house. The ones that still need me.

He stopped by last week, to grab a pillow and some clothes. He disappeared in his room for a long time, which gave me time to calm the butterflies that were roaring in my stomach. What was I going to say? Could I make an impact?

When he was ready to be in the same room as me, he came down defiantly, and stood in the archway of our home. His arms were crossed, his legs crossed, leaning up against the wall. A baseball cap shaded his face, but I could see the cloud of fury in his eyes. His posture was closed. He was a brick wall.
So I tentatively asked questions, and he gave me one word responses. "Where are you staying? What are your plans? Why are you moving away?" And then I lost my will to stay careful with my words, and I tried to control the situation. Fear shot through my core, as I realized that this was it for now. I was losing him. So my ego shot his plans down instead of being proud of him for making adult choices. I didn't praise him, or wish him luck. I told him simply that he was running away from his problems, and that Isabella would forget him, if he moved away.

I own this. I could have done it differently. The heat of an emotionally charged moment is HOT, and I didn't handle it with grace. Don't get me wrong, I didn't raise my voice. I didn't swear, I just didn't handle the conversation well.

Tears welled up in both of our eyes. Isabella made the impact. My heart softened. I remembered to tell him that I believed in him. That I loved him. That I would never give up on him, no matter what. That I hoped he would come back someday. I could see the anger slide off his shoulders a little, and sadness enveloped his demeanor. He realized that he was making a very big decision to walk away from his mother. He walked out the door, and I haven't heard from him since.

The ugly cry happened. I cried for days. I'm still sad. But I'm not mad anymore. I am beginning to see that all of my children are everyone's. That if I want to live in a world where loving kindness and compassion reign, then I need to be more supportive and encouraging not only to others, but to myself as well.

I am a good mother. I gave my son love and lessons. I gave him boundaries, and a listening ear. I gave him second chances, and open arms. I gave him happy memories, and loving assignments.
I raised my son the best way I could. I'm ok with that.
I didn't fail him.

Gabrielle Bernstein said in May Cause Miracles: "Rather than look at your fears as problems, be grateful for the loving assignment for spiritual growth. All problems offer us opportunities to strengthen our faith in love. It may be difficult to see that opportunity in some problems- but be willing to see growth opportunities in all difficult situations."

So, I'm going to let myself off the hook. I will look upon my life's experience with a loving eye. I forgive myself for all my fearful thoughts and actions. I know that when I let fo of my anger and self attack I will recalibrate my loving presence within.
May it be so.

My next post will be much lighter subject material. Thank you though for being my listening ears.

Following Through

2013-01-08T11:31:00.001-05:00

Ryan at 5.

When I had my first child I always imagined his future for him. Who would he be? What a lot of weight a parent places on their own shoulders. At least that's what I did at 21 years of age. I took it on as my responsibility to make him become the most amazing man on the planet. (I was delusional.)

I watched my little boy in overalls and baseball cap explore his world in wide eyed wonder. I watched him discover, try new things, and figure out what he liked and what he didn't. I watched him hurt himself, fall down, pick himself back up. I watched him learn to feel his feelings. He was spirited, alive, passionate, WILD in everything he tried.

I tried to teach him right from wrong. I tried to teach him about being accountable, responsible, honest. I tried to make him understand the importance of doing well in school, and boy scouts. Of how to be a good older brother; a role model. I tried to teach him morals and values, and good decisions. There are an awful lot of lessons we as parents are responsible to teach our children. Was it too much?

I always imagined a big career for him exploring the world. He loved bugs and snakes. Would he be an entomologist? He loved learning about pyramids and dinosaurs. A archaeologist? Would he build things as well as he built his Lego's? He took every thing he could get his hands on apart, and tried to figure out how things worked. Would he be an architect, or a mechanical engineer? He loved music and his guitar. Would he be a rock star? Did he feel pressured by all of my hopes and dreams for him? Did I push him too hard?

As my boy grew, his siblings came into the world, and he started school. I watched his inner light start flickering. It wasn't blazing anymore. He told me he was meant to be an only child, and he meant it. He told me he hated school, and meant it. My genius wannabe only child young son decided to quit well before he was ahead.... in First grade. Was that my fault? He struggled every single day. We tried tutoring, counseling, pleading, bribing, and nothing worked. Once he set his mind on something, he was determined to see it through. But to what end?

Fast forward roughly 18 years. Nothing has changed. Everything has changed. I have learned a lot about myself in parenting this child. Don't get me wrong, every child has something to teach us. All of mine have molded ME, defined ME, evolved ME. They have changed me explicably for the better. All of the ups and downs. The trials and tribulations that comes with raising children.

I adore all of them. I love them passionately. They are are my life. I have had to learn, however that in the process of raising a child, they are their own souls, their own personalities. They are lessons unto themselves.

My oldest child is considered a legal adult. Who ever decided that an 18 year old should be considered an adult was really dumb. He's not ready to make competent decisions. And yet, my hands are tied. He can do whatever he wants now. He's told me so. So why finish school? He doesn't have to. HE's an adult and do what he wants.

We still have rules and expectations. In order to live under the comforts of my roof, rules have to be followed. Like letting us know when you aren't coming home. Like no drugs while living under my roof. Helping out whenever you can. Keeping your personal space somewhat tidy. Studying for a GED, and taking the test. Being honest.

My child humored me and agreed to all of my rules, presumably while laughing his head off. Did he follow any of my rules? Of course not. He's an adult. You can't tell him what to do anymore. So I ~~enabled him~~ amended my rules. But said if THESE rules were broken then he would have to find a new place to live.

I don't think he believed me. Or maybe he didn't care. Or both. Mom will give in again. She won't follow through. My child broke all the rules again. The entire family is in turmoil now because of his actions. They are all hurting. His sibling all want him removed from our home immediately. I am faced with having to follow my own consequences, and it totally sucks. It's the worst feeling in the world to know that because my son is walking his own dark nights of the soul, and doesn't even realize it, I have to push him out of the nest, for the health and good of the rest of the family.

It physically hurts, for everyone. SO many tears, and outbursts. My husband and partner in crime and I went to a counselor the other day as a couple, to determine the best course to follow. We were rewarded with praise that we were right to set boundaries. We are right in trying to create a safe space for the children. BUT there is nothing we can do for our child until he makes the decision to help himself. I did enable him. I did.

So now what? There is an endless tape running in my head. "It's all your fault. If only you didn't push. If only you had been tougher. If only you had tried harder. If only you hadn't moved. If only"... The woulda coulda shoulda's are running rampant in my brain, and I know these were HIS choices. My family is broken. Shattered. Is this my fault? I feel like it is. I know there are some who would agree.

Things are going to get incredibly hard for him. It will get worse. I'm losing my child to the dark side. (Dramatic a little?) All I can do now is hold on to my heart carefully and hope he makes better choices someday and climbs out of his hole, into his wholeness. All I can do is continue nurturing the other children and hope we as a family can put our pieces back together.

Ryan at 18, over Christmas break 2012

For right now, My eyes are open, and the challenge is to stay grounded and in the present moment. I have to breathe. I have to believe that someday there will be a return of flow to the ebb that is showing it's presence in our family. I have to be strong.

I love you Ryan, and I miss the authentic young man that is hidden within you. Peace.

Oil and Water

2013-01-04T19:41:00.001-05:00

It's amazing how incredibly torn I seem to get when dealing with the struggles of raising teens. I try so hard to remember that they are autonomous, independent of me, with their own thoughts, feelings, and their own inner compass. To be humbly honest with you, I feel the Mama EGO raise her ugly head and scream in my ear "HE ISN'T OBEYING YOU! BE MAD!"

My husband reminded me the other day that my former husband and I are like oil and water. Sometimes it seems that we just can't even say normal stuff to each other without a poor reaction. This is exactly what is going on with my oldest child and I. He is a carbon copy of his father. That's not a slam on either one of them. They have their awesome points. It's just that we see things differently. Our point of views often don't mesh. I get frustrated easily.

Thankfully my child does have a few qualities that he gleaned from being my child too; a deeper sense of compassion and empathy, a sensitivity, and a kindness for others. I love those qualities about him. It shines through when he is being authentic.

I have learned lately as a parent that we only have a limited moment of time to teach our children everything that they need to know in order to be a capable, responsible adult that is ready to take on the world. In my recent panic with all the choices my son has been making~ like quitting school, hanging with a sketchy crowd, experimenting with substances, and becoming surly to the hands that feed him, I also realized that kids often have to learn grown up stuff the hard way. We can't teach them everything. They have to figure it out. AND they WILL... Eventually.

Multiple studies that I have read as well as my psychologist Uncle Norm tell me that kids don't start getting it all together until they are 25 or 26. That's when the brain is all done growing. Norm shared with me that sometimes kids need to be mad in order to feel ready to leave the nest. They get everyone and everything riled up... create tornados of havoc, and hurt... Somehow it makes it easier to leave. As for the parents, it makes it easier for the parents to let go.

Sigh. It's all happening. My kid is untangling himself from my apron strings. He is searching outside of our nest for adventure and new undiscovered horizons. And I hate to say that I am ready too. That is so hard to admit. So my lessons with him lately are that the love doesn't lessen... It does shift. It shifts to begin pulling back the discipline and consequences, and instead see him as a peer, an adult, capable of making his own decisions, and his own tough lessons.

I realize that my oldest child is choosing a harder path than I would want him to take. There's really nothing I can say or do, because he has stopped listening to me. What I say doesn't matter, and won't until he grows up a little more. All I can do now is hold the intention that he will be safe through his journey, and I will fiercely love him through it, even if it's removed from being front and center in his life. Trying to practice non attachment is a struggle for me.

Madisyn Taylor shares : "We commonly perceive our children to be extensions of ourselves, imagining that we know what’s best for them, but our children are people in their own right with their own paths to follow in this world. They may be called to move in directions we fear, don’t respect, or don’t understand, yet we must let them go. This letting go happens gradually throughout our lives with our children until we finally honor them as fully grown adults who no longer require our guidance. At this point, it is important that we treat them as peers who may or may not seek our input into their lives. This allows them, and us, to fully realize the greatest gift parents can offer their offspring —independence."

I remember now going through it with my Mother. I walked away from her so angry. I was 18. I didn't come back for a really long time. But eventually I did. I had to choose my path. I too chose a tougher one than she would have chosen for me. But for me, it was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. Hmm. Maybe my son is more like me than I thought. Aren't we really just all souls making our way in the world and creating our journey, our story, and ultimately, back to the same source? Can that be true? I hope so.

Happy 2013!

2013-01-01T11:36:00.003-05:00

One of my favorite traditions that has come to pass as my family closes out the old year and welcomes the new, is to reflect on the top ten things that occurred for our family in the past year. I feel it keeps the positive flowing, and diminishes the negative. Not that I don't want to remember the negative; those are the lessons that bring us through to today, and in their own right is a positive at the end. I just think that if we focus on the good, and what we want, then we only let what we want to shine through.

So this past year was a big year for my entire family. We all grew so much physically, spiritually, emotionally. We faced hard times with a new attitude. We practiced Non Violent Communication as much as we could. We gained lovely new friends, and strengthened the bond with our old ones. We prospered financially, both in my business, and as a couple. We believed in possibility.

Even though I struggled with my own adversity, and had my own dark nights of the soul, I walked through them slowly to learn as much as I could, and gained new insight about myself. I let go, surrendered. I saw my own failings and owned my stuff. I "re-calibrated" myself, and started over. I became stronger, and I didn't let the past make me bitter anymore. That's definitely a plus.

We rediscovered family, and met extended family that we embrace whole heartedly as treasures. We grew closer as a family, and supported each-other in all of our adventures. All of our children stretched themselves, and took themselves out of their own comfort zones to explore new horizons. They each faced struggle, and most got through it stronger, braver, kinder, and are better for it.

We are all lessons to each other. We teach each-other, learn together and grow together. As my children slowly disentangle themselves from my apron-strings and reach for their own independence, I have learned to embrace the everyday, ordinary moments as a blessing. My children are not my own. This year I realized that I am their guide, their safe keeper and only for a moment of time.

WE had a good year. I have to say that this next year, I feel a swirl of excitement as I contemplate all that is held within, all that is waiting to be explored, and all that is mine to discover. SO I embrace 2012. It was a fantastic year. I know 2013 will be even better.
Happy New year to you!

Coming Back into the fold of Blogging

2012-12-30T16:26:00.001-05:00

Sunset in the Sea Grass @ Oak Island, North Carolina

It's been a long time since I have stepped into the blog world to share my inner most thoughts, illusions, and reality with you.
It's been 8 months of reflection. I had wondered all spring and summer of what I wanted to do with my blogs. I didn't necessarily want to delete them, as I love the power of words, and some of what I have written have been inspirational, funny, heart wrenching, and thought provoking. No, deleting it would have had me regretful. So I just stayed away. It's not that I didn't have anything to say here, it's that I wanted something different. I just didn't know what.

So again I start over.

The new year starts in 2 days. The beginning beginning again. A do-over. 2013, the year of possibility, potentiality, and amazing adventures.
What has occurred for me since April of 2012?
I did a lot of weddings. 30 weddings, 2 baby blessings, 2 women's circles. I was busy most every single weekend. I still love what I do. And yet....
I'm hopeful for the new year. What will it bring for us?
My children have grown. Julia goes to an arts school and got braces, Ryan dropped out of school and is working full time, getting ready to fly the nest, Kayce broke his face from two bike crashes, got 2 concussions, turned his schooling around and is doing great. Isabella was vivacious and hilarious.
We went on our first family vacation to North Carolina for Christmas.
We were abundant in all things; love, hope, possibility, and adventure. I'm looking forward to an even better year. I hope you will share it with me. Sending you blessings for you and your beautiful families. I will hope with you for a fantastic tomorrow, if you promise to love and appreciate today with me.
Happy New Year!

Happy

2012-06-14T09:32:00.003-04:00

A few things I love about you.

2012-06-08T22:43:00.000-04:00

I love the joy on your face when I drive up to the house after being away, not matter how long... 20 minutes or 9 hours. The joy is the same. You are lit up with love. Your eyes twinkle, your smile so radiant. You wave at me enthusiastically, and when you can reach me, your little tiny arms wrap themselves around my neck, and you automatically lift yourself into my arms, burying your face into my neck in a warm welcome.

I love when you and I chase each other in the yard, trying to catch up and tickle. When I let you catch me you squeal with glee as you tickle tickle tickle my arms and legs. When I catch you, you throw your head back with delight and belly laugh so deeply and and so loud that it makes me laugh too.

I love when you snuggle into the giant bed with daddy and I, right between us every single morning, and you smell rosy and warm. Yes, I love that smell. It's a sweet, toddler smell. I love that sometimes, if it's too early in the morning, you fall asleep snuggled into our arms, wrapping your hand around one of our fingers, and we nestle up together in our nest.

I love watching you explore the garden, and all the things growing in it. You smell every single plant, and smile with delight, if I let you help me weed or water the plants. You wiggle with happiness if we find a worm or a potato bug and sometimes you are brave enough to touch them.

I love seeing how much you love your brothers and sister. They are your favorites. You shine every time you see any of them. They are lucky to have you. You keep us all positive and loving.

I love loving you. You are one of the brightest rays of sunshine in my life and I can't imagine you not being in my life. Thank you for choosing me to be your mama.

What I did today

2012-05-19T22:08:00.000-04:00

Falling Water ~ Laurel Highlands

A couple I married receiving the Patriarch of the family. A special moment.

And then I died from the cuteness.

2012-05-16T13:15:00.002-04:00

Julia is 12 Today.

2012-05-14T11:45:00.000-04:00

First, a year in pictures.

May 2011

June 2011 @ The Aviary

July 2011 With Auntie Dara @ Mt. Washington Overlook

July 2011

August 2011 with her father

September 2011 @ Soergel's

October 2011, First Shiner!

October 2011 @ Trax Farm

November 2011, Thanksgiving holding cousin Leah

December 2011 Making Truffles!

January 2012 With all her BFF's!

March 2012, softball practice

April, 2012 Planting her garden

April, 2012 First Softball Game!

May 14, 2012 Twelve years old.

You are my sunshine.

My dear Jules,

Happy Birthday! You have had a very full and adventurous year! I want you to know that you amaze me every single day. You are relentless and determined to be on top of everything you set out to do for yourself. You are a fantastic, and I mean FANTASTIC big sister! You are thoughtful and considerate, and learning so much about your world. You really started figuring out how amazing and expansive it is, and I have enjoyed watching you sit in wonderment and awe as you are learning.

You have made new friends, and kept your old ones. You have discovered how to go with the flow (most of the time), and have FINALLY started giving it back when Glenn teases you.

You are gorgeous. No really. You are. Please stay confident about how awesome you are. Keep that head up high, Keep smiling.

This is going to be a very big year for you and there will be a lot of changes. Remember who you are deep down, don't let anyone get you down, and stay strong. Middle school is coming up, with new friends, new teachers, a new school, and new expectations. You can totally do it.

Julia thank you for being such an amazing special daughter for me. I love you so incredibly much. I am so proud to be your Mama, and I hope you know that you are my sweet blessing.

Thank you for teaching me how to be silly and play. Thank you for teaching me patience. Thank you for not trying to grow up too fast! :)

Have a fantastic twelfth year, my girl.

Why I get the honor of celebrating Mother's Day

2012-05-13T23:57:00.000-04:00

I'm one lucky Mama. This is the hardest job I will ever have. So far, this job has tested me beyond what I thought were my capabilities. It has stretched me, pushed me and made me stronger. I am fiercely protective of what the Universe has gifted to me for the short time that I have them. So I consider myself blessed. I don't ever take them for granted. I love them more than I love anything else on the planet.

I hope you know that same love I know.

Happy Mother's Day!

So this is what 12 looks like.

2012-05-12T23:45:00.000-04:00

Julia and her friend Sarah.

I am so not ready for this new chapter. Hold me!

I took a walk in my garden today...

2012-05-12T22:45:00.001-04:00

Every fall I head to the local nursery and look for the discounted plants that are on clearance. These plants look deathly, sickly, and on it's last leg. Most people would pass right by these, but I try to swoop them up as fast as I can. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm getting, but the adventure... the mystery is there.

This Purple Iris was gifted to me by a student who wanted to pick her first flower in her garden for me. Only instead of pulling just the stalk, she pulled the entire plant. So, I planted it. I am so in love with it.

This is a bleeding heart. I found this little lady in the nursery all brown and withered. I wasn't sure if it would come back, but it has and it's gorgeous. It has doubled in size and full of little pink hearts.

This snap dragon was planted 5 years ago, as an annual. But it is so happy in my garden that it has come back and multiplied. They spread their seeds and are self sowing, so now they are every where. My husbands favorite flower.

My Clematis is named Dorothy Walton and she is gorgeous. Glenn gave her to me for Mother's Day last year. Her first year with us she struggled and I almost gave up on her. But Dorothy came back steady this year. I have always wanted one and so excited to see her alive and well.

This is another one of those mystery flowers that I picked up off the clearance shelf for .50. I had no idea what it was or what it would look like. I blindly decided that it needed to come home with me. It's called a foamflower, a ground cover. Which is good since I planted it in a shady part of my garden. So, win! I love it.

I'm pretty much in heaven right now with all the things and goodies that are showing up in my yard. What is your favorite flower to plant in your garden?

The Joy of a Flower

2012-05-08T07:59:00.002-04:00

Rest

2012-05-03T09:20:00.002-04:00

"Mama! Cose your eyes! Like Dis!" She implored me over and over. "Do it, Mama!" She demanded. So I laid down in the grass next to her and closed my eyes. She smiled in satisfaction, and wiggled her toes. I had to sneak a photo of her when she wasn't looking. When she found out that I had taken the photo though, she popped up and demanded to see herself. "Oh, Mama! Izzy seeping!"

If only I could just lay down and rest in the grass, with no cares in the world. No worries about my days agenda. No stress. No to do lists, responsibilities. Another lesson from my daughter. SLOW DOWN, take time to rest. I hear you.

Tunnel Vision

2012-05-02T23:34:00.003-04:00

Trying to get Isabella to sit still these days long enough to get a good shot of her is becoming increasingly difficult. She is always on the Go, and has started telling me no when I ask her to look at me so that I can take a photo. "NO, Mama! No Piture!" SO now I have to be super speedy. A lot of my shots have been with my iPhone on Instagram. I kind of dig it, actually.

This photo is Ryan's favorite of the week (so he says), and I think I love her little hand resting on the tunnel the most. She paused for 5 seconds. 5. That was it. Not a bad shot, considering. I'm hoping that this shy of the camera phase is a short one!

15th Trip Around The Sun.

2012-05-02T15:20:00.000-04:00

Dear Kayce,
Happy Birthday!
It's been quite a year for you, kid. You have had some big things happen on this latest trip around the sun.
Physically you decided to GROW. You are now officially taller than I am. Congrats. It's been a lifelong goal for you and now that you have achieved it, What's next for you?
In one year, you have grown 4 inches. Your voice changed a little. It has cracked and dipped. The other day when you called me I thought it was your older brother for a second. That's a little disconcerting.

Let's see... You tried new things this year, cyber school, Deleting your Facebook because you didn't like Drama (GOOD FOR YOU! ), meeting new friends, standing up for yourselves and your friends in uncomfortable situations. I hope you know how incredibly proud I am of you for that.

You struggled in some things, persevered in others, learned hard lessons, and gained new insights. You LIVED.
You continue to be a fantastic big brother (Bubba!) to Isabella. You continue to make me smile. You continue to frustrate me endlessly, testing me, pushing me to the eend of my rope and then somehow you are able to give me a sweet hug and call me Mama, and melt me all over again. I'm a sucker for that and you have figured it out. Don't worry though. I'm still not going to let you get away with anything. But then you knew that too.

You continue to be my throwback kid, wanting to be outside as much as possible. You still don't care about TV which is awesome in my opinion. You have read more books this year than ever before, and you have stepped up in your responsibilities here at home.

You got seriously hurt doing what you love, and it terrified me to my toes. Riding your bike is one thing, taking BMX jumps is another. I wish you could understand how precious you are, and that your safety is vital. You live in the present moment, and that's all you see. I honestly don't know how you aren't leery getting back out there on your bike, but it's the one thing you were desperate to do, couldn't WAIT to do, as soon as your doctors freed you from your limitations.
You perplex me, kid.
Your face is forever changed from it and I hope it gives you more character.

I wish you were that motivated in your schooling. I really really wish you were. OK, OK this is your birthday letter. No more nagging. :)
I love you, little man. I hope you know that more than anything I want to see you thrive and succeed in EVERYTHING you ever do.

When the Student is ready, a Teacher will appear.

2012-04-30T19:55:00.004-04:00

Things I am learning about my daughter. She loves to feel positively exhilarated. In everything she does.

She likes to try to swing so high that she can touch the sky. She never gives up.

She is always.. ALWAYS thinking about her next move. But staying firmly in the present moment.

She is a risk taker, and adventurer... Even when I am not ready for her to be. She wants to spread wings and soar.

She is determined to do things her way, in her own time, in her own style.

I kinda think I have some things to learn from her.

Captivating

2012-04-29T11:13:00.002-04:00

The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.
~Audrey Hepburn

I absolutely love this little one's eyes. They captivate me, hypnotize me, and reflect her giant world to me. I love how she is in constant wonderment mode. She never stops exploring her world, and is starting to ask so many questions. "What is THIS?" "What's dat?" "Why, Mama?" I love how the color of her eyes change from 10 different shades of blue to green. I love her long lashes and how they frame her eyes. I love how she reflects her feelings and I know exactly what her mood is, just by her eyes. The window to the soul... That's they saying right? I think it's true.