Learning to Breathe

Dear Emmalee 13 years

2026-01-14T08:47:00.000-08:00

Dear Emmalee,

My goodness! Are you really 13? Are you really a teenager? I think of those words and can't believe I got to live to see them come true. I wonder if other parents view their kids' birthdays with the awe of getting to see them as I do. I was only going to get to see your third birthday. Getting to see you go into your first teenage year is a miracle for me. It was a miracle for both of us to make it to this birthday with our relationship intact. Baby, we had our ups and downs! I was not expecting the influx of hormones to have the personality change it had on you. For a moment there, I didn't recognize you. I had to understand that the physical changes you were experiencing were not something you knew how to cope with. It was scary. I wish I could have been better prepared. I wish I could have been more understanding of how you were feeling at the time. I hope I wasn't too tough on you. I am so grateful that acclimating didn't take too long either. It was probably some four months of getting in tune with your cycle. Now, when the change happens, your parents are better prepared for it. You are better prepared for it. And now that your sister will soon go through the same change, we are all better prepared. Sorry that, as always, you are our guinea pig. I will always apologize while at the same time reminding you that your father and I are also the older siblings and guinea pigs of our parents, so we don't feel too bad for you.

My favorite thing has been watching you mature. I remember how much my life changed when I turned 12. I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior and began living purposely for Him. I remember my 12th year being a pivotal year for my spiritual and personal growth. While I wanted that year to be meaningful for you too, I didn't put any pressure on you. But it was so beautiful watching you mature on your own. You have made mistakes, but you have used those mistakes to grow in character and mettle. You made being trustworthy one of your personal goals and became very zealous about making your parents feel and know we could trust you. You did this by being open, honest, vulnerable, accountable, and accessible. Not something parents of teens could easily say. It is still very painful to say that I am a teen's mom, but I am so incredibly proud of my teen girl.

I don't think you realize the power you wield. I don't think you understand how influential you are to everything that happens around you. You are looked up to by your sister and peers. You tried to escape the "bossy" label, but you can't escape your leadership abilities. People just instinctively want to follow you. The fact that you lead without even realizing it is so fun to watch. Your friends take cues from you on how to act and react. They know your presence can make or break a gathering. You have no clue. I am proud of that because that way you get to lead through example and with humility. You are a powerful force, and I can't wait to see the ways the Lord will use all those talents. We already have 5 of your classmates coming to Crossfire!

Your beauty is as mesmerizing as ever. I was watching you at the beach playing volleyball and couldn't believe my daughter was that gorgeous. I love that you don't realize just how beautiful you are too. You don't show off. Your dress style is relaxed and baggy. I love to take you shopping. You know what you want, but can't find the cloth pieces to achieve it. Somehow, I can always pick what you are looking for. I loved hearing that you trust me with getting your style right. That is a struggle with our generational differences. I thought we would love the same movies and tv shows. We did get to enjoy season 5 of Stranger Things together, but more and more we drift farther in the things we enjoy watching. I guess some things can't be helped. You do sneak to watch Brooklyn 99 and The Office when I don't notice you are watching with me behind my back. I don't mind as much as I should, hehehe.

I love you, my girl. You are amazing through and through.

Mom

Emmalee with the cake I made for her to share at her school.

She was blessed to have her grandparents Lyla, Abuela Martha, and Abuelo Rodolfo join her this year.

An uncharacteristicly girly cake for Emmalee.

Glad she liked it.

Lyla got her a strawberry chocolate cake at Emmalee's request for her dinner party.

We ate at Napoli, of course, as is tradition!

What a good-looking family

2025-12-18T09:02:00.000-08:00

"What a good-looking family," says my photographer, my dear friend Laura. I knew the pictures would be amazing because Laura is an amazing photographer. She said it over and over again. I'm thinking, "She is such a sweet friend," because in my mind, she is saying it to be kind, not because it is true.

How many times do we do that? Women especially do this. We hear good things said about us and think, "Aw, isn't she or he kind?" And we smile and say "thank you" while internally not taking it as truth. Oh! But let someone say something bad about us, and our brains immediately wonder, "They're right!" But I want to stop those mind patterns. I want to take compliments and tell my brain, "That's right. You are amazing!" And I definitely do not want to believe the negative comments from random people who do not matter in my life.

Women are so constantly comparing themselves to this curated instagram world of what good-looking is. More and more plastic surgery is the norm. Period pieces on TV look inauthentic because everyone has the modern plastic pulled-away face. It is even becoming normal for men. We don't even have expensive makeup on. We had just come back from a beach trip, so we are naturally tanned and a little exhausted in these pics. Yet, the more I see them, the more I love my photographer's words. "What a good-looking family you are!" Yes, indeed, we are.

And so, even with my double-mastectomy chest and my mommy belly, I feel proud to be as beautiful as I can and more because of the beautiful people that surround me. I sure hope to teach my girls true beauty, and it doesn't only come from within. It is external with the love you give yourself and the beliefs you hold about yourself.

And what a good-looking family we are. Here is the proof. (Also proof of how an amazing photographer Laura is!)

It had been 7 years since the last time these two could come together to visit. Now, they are expecting their first baby!

I wasn't able to write about my brother's tumor because I wanted to respect his privacy. It was a very difficult time for our family finding out that he had a benign brain tumor that was pressing against his hypothalamus. He spent 45 days in the hospital recovering. He has great God-stories to tell now about that time that I am sure he will be glad to share with you. So proud of the husband and wife they are and can't wait to see the mom and dad they'll be.

This picture in this plaza is just a reminder of how far God has taken us. Isn't my mom the most gorgeous?!

Oh, my amazing family.

These two women fought day and night to keep this man alive. They are his heroes and mine!

My girls with their tio and tia.

What would this shoot be without my brother being silly? That is the best part of having him around! The girls had longed for this.

At one point last year, I didn't know if I would get to see my brother alive again. The fact that I got to hold him and see his face again is a pure miracle.

I thank God for that good-looking man I get to call husband, and my girls call dad.

The last professional photoshoot I had done was in my 31st birthday were I was wearing a wig and had painted eyebrows done by my sister. I was wearing a bra still with one side filled with a sock. I only posted pics of my daughters from that photoshoot here.

I am glad I got to share my good-looking family with you! Thank you, Jesus, for so much love and beauty surrounding us.

Spy X Family Party for Kaylee's 11th with spy party printable links to download!!!

2025-04-23T08:23:00.000-07:00

According to the deal I made with my daughters, this is my "last" party this extra. From now on, mommy will be giving them grocery-bought cakes and ice cream and a gettogether at the park for their birthdays. I put "last" in quotations because I know myself, and I know I won't want to stop. I did it for Emmalee's 12th birthday December of last year, and I did not like how that felt. I mean: they had fun, they ate cake and ice cream, they played and brought gifts. It just felt wrong. Unfortunately for Kaylee, since I did it once for Emmalee, I will do it once for her, so next birthday she is definitely getting the same treatment.

Ok, enough rambling!

I really wanted to make this party special because, as I rambled before, it was the "last" but mainly because it was the first time the CCA friends and the TRAIL friends (her former school and present school) would be together. I wanted to make sure they would have a lot of fun together and be able to mingle. So, I made sure their invitations let them know they were coming to Spy Academy to get them in the proper mindset.

This party nearly destroyed me! It confirmed that the deal of it being the last wasn't coming from a place of me wanting to stop but of me needing to stop. My health hasn't been the best these past months. I have been really struggling, so if you'd like, please take a moment to say a prayer for me. I am planning on writing a post soon about nearing my 10th year as a cancer survivor and what that has meant for me. Please stay tuned.

The day started with a disaster when my husband announced he was having a stomachache. My husband is NEVER sick, but when he is, it's the end of the world. I was 2 hours late to decorate while I waited for him to feel good enough to drive. (For those who don't know, my eyesight is too poor for me to drive safely.) I hate having to rush to decorate and not having time to get dressed. But things are about to get worse. My husband spent the entire time I was setting up the main table setting up the laser path tent. Kaylee saw how cool the laser path looked and wanted to try it out before the party started. I told her she would have to wait to do it with her friends as she needed to go home to get dressed and have lunch. My husband, mom, and daughters left to do that while I stayed to set up the remaining games and decorations. It hadn't rained for weeks! The morning had been scorching hot and even dry. And then the rain came. It was not ordinary rain. It was a downpour!

Let me take you through the events that came next. Emmalee and Rodolfo are bringing the cake from the car. Rodolfo is carrying it while Emmalee is doing her best to shield it from the flood with a windshield cover. They are both bathed and dressed, now getting completely soaked. The cake barely makes it to the main table alive. Kaylee is stranded in the car in her party outfit. I put garden trash bags over Emmalee and Rodolfo so they may go to the car to retrieve the remaining party treats and give them an extra bag to bring Kaylee out. The four of us are staring at the entire park soaked while it is still torrentially raining, watching in disbelief at our laser path tent completely flooded, hoping the decorations survive the storm, wondering if anyone will still come to the party, and trying to hold back tears. I feel bad I couldn't at least let Kaylee have a go at laser path and have at least one person enjoy it. Rodolfo tells the girls that if it is only us there, we will make the best of it. It looked that bleak!

I sent Rodolfo to get some ice from the store while I am still not done setting up. I had written in the invites to please be punctual, and I am not even dressed. I go to the tent to see if I can save it. It has caved in the middle with a pool of water. Since it is still raining, nothing can be done. I see the first guests arrive. My mortification is complete. Not only am I not dressed, but the hubs forgot to bring my bag of clothes from the car in all the commotion. I am greeting guests in my soaking wet, decoration clothes. The first guest is my new neighbor Marcelina, whose three daughters have become my daughters' best friends. She and the girls get into action to help me finish setting up. Marcelina and her eldest, Ariana, go to the kitchen to pop the popcorn and put it in the decorated containers. Kaylee and Delina help me put the treats on the table, and Emmale and Soraya help me clean out the trash from decorating.

People keep coming. I am still not dressed, but at this point I no longer care. I am just happy people are still showing up. And a miracle happens. The rain stops. I have lived in Panama for 8 years now. Rain usually doesn't ruin plans here. Rain is expected to be unpredictable. It will rain one second and then be the perfect day the next second. But we know what type of rain is not the one that lets out easily. This was that type of rain. Some parents had been texting me asking if the party would continue because they too knew this was not a rain that would stop. But it did. It stopped out of nowhere. My mom finally brings my bag of clothes, but I want to take a crack at the laser path one more time. I go over and start pulling the tent from the sides to make the water flow out from the center. It was the equivalent of draining a large outdoor pool. Water is flowing all the way up to my calves. I don't care because it is working. The hubs is still not back, so I ask Franklyn to help me tighten the ropes to bring the tent back up. We get it up. I quickly go inside and fix the laser beams. This had taken my husband all morning to set. How did I get it up in like 15 minutes? I do not know!

And so. the party began!

Because of everything that happened, I did not take a single picture this party. All of these pictures came from the kindness of my friends who knew I would want some shots of the party. Thank you for trying your best.

Kaylee is dressed like Anya sans the pink wig.

I honestly feel this is the most beautiful cake I have ever made. I kept looking at it in disbelief that I actually made it. It came out just as I imagined it.

Here it is straight out of the car. You can see how wet the table and the cakestand are. The cake will not make it to the end of the party. Luckily, it was just as good on the inside.

Because I did not take the pictures, I don't have all the details. Here you can see my Spy X Family plushies. You can see the popcorn, but not the themed containers. You can barely see my mustache cookies. You cannot make out the bagged brownies, but Adriana called them "deliciosisimo."

At least I got one picture of someone with the mustache cookies. Thank you, Mia!

I made several cookie designs, yet this is the only picture I have of them. We had question marks, shoe prints, mustaches, locks, fingerprints, and top-secret cookies.

I made an Emmalee sign just like this one for her Breath of the Wild party that is still above her bed. Kaylee was so excited to have her own on her bed. Unfortunately, it did not survive the rain. Fortunately, Mom can make a new one. It is the only pic of my Yor and Loyd figurines.

Here is a picture of my backdrop. I painted that one at school with my watercolors. How did that paper survive the storm was another miracle.

Let's continue with the party. I was about to go get dressed when I thought it would be better to start the party and leave the kids doing the first activity. I tell them that I am their commander, and they must address me as "L" for the remainder of the party. I separate them into groups of 4 that I decide.

Mission 1: get into costume. The kids had been told to bring a costume, but at this point, all I did was ask them to put on glasses.

They look cute!

My amazing spy academy! Every single kid who had been invited, except one that had a family emergency, came.

Mission 2: Pass security check. I made these passports for them to fill out using their secret agent name.

I used ChatGPT to make this name chart. I modified some of the suggestions because I didn't like all of them. Their agent's name was a red herring, though. I had made the parents fill out a Google sheet with the kid's full name and date of birth.

I got this printable from the International Spy Museum website in their birthday package. It has more cool ideas.

Inside the passport was a fingerprint chart to fill in using ink pads. They had a lot of fun with this one because I had a multicolored pad. I thought they would use it to print in rainbow patterns. Nope! They took the time to print each finger a different color.

While the kids filled out their passports and fingerprint charts, I was finally able to get dressed. I would be wearing wet sneakers for the rest of the party, but the dry socks did more than I expected. I was feeling much better once my feet were out of the soaking socks for sure!

I had instructed the kids to keep their identity a secret to pass the security check. I had a sheet with me when I was checking each passport. They thought I was checking that they had the proper agent name. I was checking their date of birth. If they put in their real birth date on the passport, they did not pass the check. The kids were flabbergasted when I would announce they didn't pass security. It was a lot of fun. I allowed some time to figure out why they had failed for an extra point for their team. All the agents who failed the check cost their team a point. Kaylee did pass the check, but she looks serious in this picture.

Mission 3: Shooting training

Next, we went to the shooting training where each kid got 3 shots to hit a target to make points for their teams. Valentina was the only girl to get a point, and Jack was the only boy not only to get one point but to get all three shots! Impressive!

These CCA girls are the best! We miss them so much!

Mission 4: Laser beam path

I had this printable for hidden codes that I had put inside the tent when we set it up. These did not survive the water.

I made the spyglasses just like the ones in this picture. I remembered this picture at the party and knew I could remake the hidden message in the laser path using red ink. I got Jackie making those when I finished the security check, and Rodolfo went to set them up while we were in shooting training. In separate pieces of paper, the message said: "The secret code is 05 60 48 72."

They had the spyglasses ready to take their turn. The boys specifically said the spyglass was not needed to read the message. You can see in the picture of the example that you could indeed make out the words without the red decoder. However, because of this, most of the boys read the message as 98 instead of the correct 48 and failed the mission.

The girls, on the other hand, had the message right but struggled to remember the full code. You can see in this picture that going through the laser beams was not easy. Adri is being watchful of getting the code right through the spyglass. She was my favorite at the party. She never once forgot to call me "L".

Mission 5: Solve the murder mystery!

I got this printable here.

I am putting both of these pages sliced so that it is only a sneak peek. The printable is free, so please follow the link to download for fair use. I asked Pamela to help me put the 6 clues spread through the park. I am glad I hadn't done this when I was setting up, or I would have lost this mission to the rain as I had only one print of each. Each team was given the murder investigation sheet. Each clue was a puzzle they had to solve to find out the suspect, the location, and the murder weapon. I had to help them with 2 of the puzzles, except for Lily's team who solved them all on their own. She is a trained Girl Scout, and it showed. She was upset her team didn't win because the boys on her team got the laser beam code wrong.

Kaylee said she was sad Mr. Chimera was the piñata because she didn't want to hit him.

She quickly got over that notion.

Mission 6: Find the secret message in the tunnel.

I can't believe I have no picture of this mission. Not even a hint of it. I placed 5 boxes that the kids could barely go through. I put the boxes inside black garden trash bags and glued them together to make a tunnel. I hot-glued yellow neon cardstock on each box with a message written with a yellow highlighter. I made a blacklight flashlight using a normal flashlight covered in purple and blue sharpie-colored transparent tape. I thought no kid would go through the tunnel. It was flimsy, tight, and hot. Almost all of them went through it! I was so proud when the first agent came out to tell me the secret message: "Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

And as usual, Mom dies in the end. It was her first time dying barefoot, but I could not withstand the wet sneakers anymore! I have never been more grateful to everyone who helped make this party a reality. Thank you so much!

Marcelina's daughters, Soraya, Delina, and Ariana, along with Emmalee, made this poster for Kaylee. We are truly blessed.

Dear Kaylee,

You are 11! Will I still be able to call you my baby? Absolutely! You will be my baby until the end of my life. I never thought I would understand the meaning of fragile strength or loud silence. You are quiet but not shy. You are strong but always kind. It's such a wonder to see you be you. Please continue being unapologetically you. I fear the pressure of teen life approaching. You have been immune to it longer than your sister. I just don't want to see you change who you are for someone else. Although I must admit, child, you need to care about what others think in some circumstances. Your stinky feet need to stay away from me.

You are following in the footsteps of your sister on the volleyball team, but you have the unique quality that you were thrust onto the stage much quicker with higher necessity. Your sister had the advantage of having teammates she could learn from while supporting them from the bench. You started in a smaller team that had to send you to the trenches from the start. You basically started as a varsity player. You are so fast and energetic that your dad and I have been encouraging you to become the libero. From the card above, I can see that the idea has borne fruit in your heart. We will support you as well.

Baby, I am so sorry for having to change schools. Your friends from CCA are simply the best. Leaving your class was the hardest thing because every one of your classmates was pure gold. The fact that everyone showed up to your flooded party shows how much love there is. I am so glad you have a beautiful group at TRAIL as well. You had your first Spanish spelling bee, and you did amazing. I was incredibly proud of you. You misspelled a word on stage and went back to your seat, and burst in tears. Emmalee was about to run to console you when she saw that all your classmates were already enveloping you with hugs and words of encouragement. You did so well on your history presentation talking about Honduras. You have grown so much academically and socially.

We have had our hard times this year. You are still struggling to be truthful, even after you have seen how much trouble you get into when you are not. I have to say that I love how I have seen your heart grow into a contrite heart. Baby, keep asking the Lord, as I do, to create in you a clean heart. He is the only One Who can free us from the chains of sin. Don't give up just because it hasn't come naturally to you. You belong to your Father, the way, the truth, and the life, and not to the father of lies. I have seen you grow in repentance and confession. These are not simple or easy things to learn. Do not be ashamed of them. Everything that happens, if we use it to come closer to our Redeemer, is worth it.

I have loved having devotionals with you every week. I would worry if you were taking them seriously because you also struggled to find the motivation to continue going to Crosswalk. But you have taken your journaling earnestly seeking to hear His Word and obey. You are getting ready for your second mission trip, this time to Parara Puru. Oh, baby, mommy has been very nervous about this one. It will be the first time you go anywhere without Mom. I have thought of not letting you go, but I have heard the Holy Spirit rebuke me, telling me you don't belong to me; You belong to Him. You were made to follow Him and do His work wherever you go. I must relinquish you. I am praying long and hard that you will be ok, and you will also have fun and serve those around you. Be the light on a hill, my darling. That is what we were made for.

I love you, Kaylee. I love you forever.

Mom

Dear Emmalee Age 12

2025-04-22T07:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Emmalee,

I told you I wouldn't do any more birthday parties as "extra" as I used to. I held to my word. I didn't think I would. I honestly did not think I would want to stop. Life, however, made me. It is just not as easy for my body to keep up anymore. I just did Kaylee's last one (Her 11th. Yes, I am writing this letter very late), and it nearly killed me. Honestly, the last-minute flood almost killed me more than the party itself. But just because I won't be documenting your party doesn't mean I will stop writing you letters. I love to go back and read these letters to see how you have changed, how the way I view you has changed, how the way we talk has changed, and how the subjects get more "grown-upy".

My dearest, you are a lady! How did this happen? Where is my little girl? Can I make you stop? I think I write this in every single one of your letters. I don't know if I write this in Kaylee's letters, but if I do, I know it is a lot less than in yours. You just go ahead of the curve. You just want to grow up now. I keep trying to stop you. I keep trying to keep your inner child alive with the sense of wonder and the permission to be silly. You find everything so cringy. You don't let yourself or others be goofy. The good-impression pressure keeps the real you at bay. I guess it can't be helped. You are your mother's child after all (I am pretty sure I have said this in your letters before as well). I pray that you can learn to let yourself be however God made you, without concern for what others think faster than your mommy did.

I am always in awe of you, though. You are a loyal and gentle friend. You have blossomed in your school. You don't carry the prejudice and rejection from your previous school with you. Instead, you make sure you befriend those on the fringes and even those who are not so easy to love. Some of your closest friends are a challenge for you, but that does not stop you from doing your best to be the best friend you can be. You are learning that a good friend is someone who makes you a better person. You have many of those friends around you, but you are still learning to speak up and confront those areas of your friends you disapprove of. You got the non-confrontational gene from your father. It is a double-edged sword. You are slowly learning it is ok to speak up and that your real friends will be able to take it.

I can't tell you how happy I am that you found Camille. It was a dream of mine that you two would hit it off. I hope that you two are together for the rest of your high school life and hopefully even beyond that. We both miss Emma. She was such a good friend. I wish we could have brought her with us to our new school. But I knew Camille would be a friend with whom you would be encouraged to fall in love with reading, learning, art, whimsy, and kindness. In turn, you make Camille more social, adventurous, daring, and fearless. You two are the perfect yin and yang. In 8 years, I'll be praying you find your male version of Camille. My favorite thing that I did not expect was that you two are growing in Christ together. I am excited to see how God will shape your hearts together as He brings you closer to His. I just love that we get to do Crossfire together, and now we even get to have Lily on that journey.

We've had our challenges this year. It was the first year you broke my heart. I knew this day would come. I thought I was prepared. I was not. It hurt more than I expected. But everything is for the good of those who seek Him. God has turned that heartache into a pathway for us to have difficult conversations that are laying the foundation for you to develop convictions. We have been talking a lot about learning God's commands and how to hear His voice and obey. It's hard for me because I know this is only the beginning. The heartbreaks will only get bigger. I will need to let you go and make mistakes and watch you suffer the consequences of your decisions. I will try to guide you and hear you out. I will try to console and comfort you. I cannot protect you, and that is hard for me because I want to control the pain that comes your way. I know you need to walk that path in order to shape who you are in Christ. I will be here praying on my knees and with all my heart that you hold tight the only hope in this life.

You are still my volleyball star, and your journey has just begun. We were finally able to get you into a volleyball academy. I am not going to lie; I am still fretting about how we'll be able to afford it. But your dad and I agreed that is what we work so hard for. You recently had your first volleyball open. Shorty, you had only been on the team ONE week, but when they put you in, you scored 8 points with your serve alone! I have it all on video, of course! I am so incredibly proud of your drive and determination. Dream big, baby, because we are here to support your dreams. I don't know if this will take you to a scholarship or not. Even if it doesn't, watching you go for your dreams will be one of the best things I did in life.

I love you beyond what words can express. I love you forever.

Mom.

You and Camille

And Lily

Biking in our neighborhood

The best sister!

The best neighbors

Your family that loves you deeply.

Burnt Offerings

2025-01-27T08:37:00.001-08:00

It was a dark summer. I was going to Honduras for the first time in 7 years. It should have been a time of reconnecting, rejoicing, and relaxing. Instead, it was a time of great grief. We had to make a tough decision: quit our jobs, leave our home and school, and move to a different city. Everything was stacked against us. We were going to a smaller school that had only 4 years of operations. We were moving to a more expensive neighborhood. We were moving away from family and friends (my mom lived next door to me.) We didn't have a lot of money (I was not remunerated for the summer). We were moving from a school that our daughters loved. We were moving from a school where we loved our students dearly. The decision took us all summer.

We would go back and forth. Should we stay? Should we go? How, when it is all stacked against us? Can we even afford it? My heart was racing almost every night. My husband had instructed me not to breathe a word about this to the girls and to not spoil their summer. I felt I was lying to them the entire time. They would speak to me about the things they would do with their classmates when they went back to Panama, and my heart would break. They would tell me stories about their friends, and I knew the decision would break their hearts. I would wake up in a panic and tell my husband I had changed my mind; that he and the girls should stay and only I should go. He would tell me he had already set his heart on leaving. He would come back and acquiesce only for me to tell him that we should stick to our first resolution. It was a back-and-forth I am not proud of. I was making decisions out of a place of fear, fear of what we might be losing.

Then there was the issue of my heart. Oh, how it was bleeding! It felt hurt. It felt humbled. It felt guilty. It felt like I hadn't been enough. It felt like I hadn't done a single thing right. I replayed the final scenes before summer in my head over and over again. "How could it have ended that way?" I felt injustice. I felt unappreciated. But most of all, I felt unworthy. The pain in my heart would make me writhe under my blanket, as I tossed and turned every night all night. "Let it go," my husband would say, "You can't keep reliving it. You can't keep blaming yourself. You need to give it to God."

Before this happened, I had met with my mentor, and she had been unequivocal: "Only stay if you hear a clear calling from God to do so. If not, He is clearly moving you." I kept looking for that clear calling, and a Bible verse kept popping up everywhere I looked:

"Has the Lord as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the Lord? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to listen than the fat of rams." 1 Samuel 15:22

I was not going to listen. I was going to find a way. First, I tried to find a way to stay. That was a dead end. Then, I tried to find a way for my husband and girls to stay. That proved more fruitful as I was offered a position in a more prestigious nearby school. They needed a computer science teacher which better suited my resume. But that decision never gave me any peace. It actually made me feel like I was disobeying. The Bible verse would keep popping up. It was in an Instagram story or a post I was scrolling. It was the verse of the day in the Bible app. It was the verse that a friend was sharing in one of our talks. That was a clear sign! We decided to walk by faith and take a leap. If we had gone by human rationale, we would have never done it. Oh, how lucky that we strive to seek the wisdom of Heaven and not of this world.

The first thing I did as soon as we landed back in Panama was tell the girls (literally, as soon as we got home from the airport!). My heart could not take a single moment longer before I told the girls the truth: We would not be returning to our previous school. Their tears were instant. They cried. I cried. My mom cried. We told them we were moving to a nicer home and a nicer neighborhood. We told them their school would be really nice and that the teachers we knew from the school were also very nice. They would not hear of it. "We don't want a better house or a better neighborhood. We are happy here. We are happy at our school. Why are you changing us?" I knew it would hurt. It hurt really bad. I woke early in the morning the next day and asked them if they were still mad at me. I think it was the first time they said "yes."

Things took a quick turn when they came with us house hunting. Every neighborhood and apartment was better than the previous one. They could see that they would live in a place with a pool, parks, and bike paths. That excited them. They toured the school and could not believe how big the grounds were. "You said this was a smaller school," my younger exclaimed puzzled with surprise as we toured the well-furnished music room, dance room, film room, and art room. "It's smaller in student body size, but they will grow every year," I clarified. They saw the enclosed cafeteria and gym with AC, the roomy classrooms, and the expansive playground and outdoor courts. Their belief that "better" wasn't actually "better" soon evaporated. That was such a relief. They were on board.

We have been living in Panama Pacifico and working at our new school for six months now. We have very few students. I have classes of only two students. I can't say I am complaining, although I miss bigger classes. I miss my students so much, but I am glad I get to see so many of them at church. My husband misses them terribly too. We live in a house with a kitchen island, a walk-in closet, and a balcony; things that seem trivial for anyone else, but for us who never had them, they seemed unattainable. I suffered from impostor syndrome for weeks. "Is this really where I live? I feel I am living in an Airbnb I rented for a nice vacation. This can't be right; I'll soon wake up." I was relieved to realize my husband was feeling the same. "We have access to two pools and a gym?! The girls have their pick of several parks and playgrounds?! They are safe to walk the dog on their own around the neighborhood, because it is extremely safe and guarded?! Nah! This is not happening to us."

I love working at my new school. My students are so amazing, but then again, all of my students have always been amazing. I have loved every single one of them. I can't describe the joy I feel every time I enter my classroom. I decorated it so nicely. I hung a hammock chair instead of a desk chair which makes sitting at my desk a whole different experience. My boss is the most supportive, caring, and funny secondary principal I have ever had. The school director has gone as far as helping me get my work permit sorted out (that whole shenanigan would need a separate post). I feel welcomed, appreciated, and supported.

I would have stayed at my old job. I would have stayed there for years and years. I would have done it for God, but God had more for me. I wonder how many times He has had more for me and I haven't gotten it, because I would let myself be guided by fear, a poor mentality, or my penchant for suffering. Why have I believed that is what God had for me? Those are burnt offerings! It pleases Him more that I obey His voice. He is the Good Shepherd. He makes me lie in green pastures. He leads me beside quiet waters. He guides me along the right path.

As soon as I came back to Panama, I got to serve in the kid's ministry camp. This was the theme Bible verse:

You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

Genesis 50:20

I felt it deeply in my soul. It was the Lord telling me He has a plan for everything that had happened before the summer began but also telling me I am here for more than all the amenities. I have work to do in the place I have been placed. It is no coincidence I am here if I am here following His voice. My school is not a Christian school, yet my life mission remains: to make disciples of Jesus. It is going to look a lot different than it did last year. It goes beyond my students. I have already seen the many ways He is revealing Himself to me here and calling me to His business. I have to take greater charge of my girls' spiritual life; it was a charge that was always mine and my husband's to start with. We have had personal devotions together every Tuesday and Thursday of 2025. It has been an amazing time spent in the Word, meditation, and prayer together. I was not taking that time before.

Behold, to obey is BETTER!

My hammock!

We also enjoy the sport's park nearby for some volleyball training together.

The bike trail is usually not this scary, but I kind of loved that my first ride there looked so eerie.

We thoroughly enjoy the greenery of the grounds!

I get to see humming birds in my balcony from my kitchen island.

Our dog Bentley has also been blessed here. She goes on daily walks now that the girls can take her without me, so she doesn't rely on mommy being healthy for walks. She loves enjoying balcony time and even watches the hummingbirds with me.

I get these spectacular mountain views when I am on the hammock doing my devotional and meditation.

Thank you, Father, for your faithfulness to us. We owe all to You!

Kaylee's Enchanted Totoro's 10th party

2025-01-27T06:06:00.004-08:00

This has got to be my favorite theme of all time. The whimsy and fantasy in this theme was palpable. And it didn't take much to make it look this enchanting.

The backdrop is courtesy of someone teaching me how to print a pdf in poster mode to print on several pages. I feel silly admitting I didn't know how to do that till this party. C'est la vie!

How whimsical is Kaylee here dressed like Mei from the movie?

One of my top ten cakes of all time. It was so easy to make. I really can't believe I got it to look like that.

Easiest cookies ever, yet they were so hard to make because it was so hard to find black food coloring. Seriously!

That little flower well with the Totoro plushie was too adorable.

Isn't she lovely? Isn't she wonderful?

Isn't she precious? Made from love!

How cute and contrasting are those sprites? So easy to make too!

Thank you, God, for my daughter's amazing friends!

(pictured are Lucia, Valentina, Kaylee, and Becky)

Of course mom went for the easiest piñata design!

This is what they should look like.

Ta da! (Of course my eldest doesn't have short hair, but you get the gyst)

How serendipitous was that red bridge for this birthday theme!!!!

The rain scene has to be one of my favorites. I forgot to pose them with Kaylee sleeping on Emmalee's back!

My colleague Tati lent me ALL the beautiful plastic flowers you see. They were EVERYTHING to make this theme look this magical!

Dear Kaylee,

How is it possible that you are headed to 5th grade? When did this happen? How did it happen? No! These are lies. You are still my baby. I will remain in denial forever. Honestly, though, time has slipped through my fingers. You have grown so much. You are still my little jumping shrimp, giggly munchkin, stuffed-animals lover, rainbows and unicorns little girl. You love Bluey but you also love Gumball. You are walking the line between innocent childhood and curious tween life. You are a hopeless romantic. I have written about this before, but now I can add you are a very loyal romantic. This year I did see you fall more in love with your Saviour and your Christian walk. It wasn't a path with no resistance. For a moment, I thought you would ask to give up Crosswalk. In the end, you not only finished but requested to continue for the next year. Watching you do hard things made me proud. We can all "serve" Christ when it's fun and when it's with our friends. You have enjoyed serving Him in choirs, chapel club, and dance club. And I love seeing how every time you do it you give it your all. You dance with your entire body and all your energy. I can't take my eyes off of you. You sing with intention, loudly from the bottom of your heart. My eyes fill with tears every time I hear you sing. But the Lord wants true worshipers. The Lord wants us to do hard things for our love for Him. Watching you go through Crosswalk while grinding to find the will to go, and then go and do it with joy, discipline, and love was magical. Watching you serve in your first mission trip with the heart of a servant is all I've ever prayed for your life. What does it matter if you are smart, beautiful, popular, friendly, social, or successful if you do not use your life to serve God? Nothing, my darling daughter. Nothing at all! He is why we are on this earth. To do His will is why we breathe and walk. It is a personal journey. One you must take alone. One that at this age becomes more and more a reality. After the hard mission trip, your determined "I'm coming back next year" was the proudest I've ever felt about being your mom. But you make me proud every day. There is no hug more lasting and hearfelt than yours. Every kiss you give me feels charged with gratitude and care. Your humor is still my favorite; if I am ever feeling down, I just need to look at you and your silly smile will make me smile. You have learned how to smile for pictures better. Oh, buggaboo, it has been a struggle to get you to smile on pictures, yet you are always so willing to please and give it your best even when it makes you uncomfortable. I love the fierce and loyal friend you are. I love that you don't make exceptions on who you love, and you love everyone with the same intensity. I can't wait to see the wonderful things the Lord will do in you and through you. You have already taught me more than you can imagine. I love you infinitely,

Mom.

Emmalee's Magical Harry Potter 11th party

2024-10-20T21:34:00.004-07:00

I had dreamed of a Harry Potter birthday for the longest time. I honestly think I made the Harry Potter party I wished I could have had for my daughter. I got say, way more satisfying that she got to have it, so I really wanted to go all out. As always, I will break down all the components of the party.

This table looks a little underwhelming for all the time it took to make it, but I still like it.

I wish I would have had an outfit for Emmalee, but the Panama heat is no place for a robed look. We went with a 3rd movie Herminione look.

Love the hanging candles.

The figurines are from Papercraft. I always love these for all my birthdays.

So, that was not the cake I was going to make. I made a cake that was covered in quarters with the 4 house colors, but it looked too preschool for my liking.

These nearly broke my wrists; luckily, I had Xenia Lucia staying with me and she wanted to learn how to decorate cookies. Luckily for me, she ended up being better than me.

Paper models have lost their appeal, I must admit. The cutting, folding, and putting together is grinding. But, I couldn't see myself having a Harry Potter party without a Hogwarts castle somewhere.

Maybe this was the party that broke my love with papercrafts, but I was really grateful there were so many available for free on the internet.

Like the flying car, the howler, the quidditch podiums, and those food tags.

Or the Hogwarts Express, the double decker bus, or the chocolate frog box that had a chocolate paper frog that leaps when you open it.

The sorting hats were easily made. I filled 1/4 with m&m of one color to sort the kids into their houses.

The favor boxes were Monster Book of Monsters. Yup, I made one for each kid. Don't think I'd do that again.

Awaiting to be sorted.

If this Harry Potter-loving girl got Slytherin, she was choosing again!

Emmalee holding the wand pen favors that were inside the box. The wand chooses the wizard, but mom made sure she got the blue rock in her wand.

Practicing their swish and flick.

Fun with ph experiments with base and acids for potions class.

And bringing the micca potions from our Breath of the Wild party back since they were such a hit.

Flying car photo prop.

Platform 9 3/4 photo prop

Hedwig piñata made by me.

Showing the house ties.

Ready for the quidditch match.

We played using the official Muggle Quidditch rules.

Kaylee, the seeker, caught the snitch!

Emmalee and her grandma.

Mom dies in the end.

Dear Emmalee

11 years? It is official. You have made me the mom of a preteen. Have you always been one, though? It feels like it. It feels like you have always been this wise and ahead of your age. You see things very analytically. You care deeply about how you treat others or how you make them feel. You care deeply about following Jesus and doing what is right before His eyes. Who taught you that? Is it in your DNA? I can attest before the Lord that is all you. You have matured so much in the past year. You went from caring too much about what others thought to finding who you are within you. You know who you are in Christ. You know you are loved, worthy, and accepted. It took you some learning to know that if others thought differently, it didn't change who you are inside. You learned to choose your friends instead of thinking everyone had to choose you. You learned that not everyone will be a close friend and that is ok. It pains me that you have to learn the realities of friendship and relationships so early. The innocence and unprejudiced friendship of childhood is no longer present. Envy, jealousy, pride, and many other things come into play in those who seek your friendship and those who don't. It is a hard thing to learn not everyone's intentions towards you are for good. It is a hard lesson to realize there are ill intentions in what people say or do. Yet you navigate through all these realities with grace. You still extend an unbiased hand to anyone who wishes for your friendship. You don't see class, age, gender, status, or race. You see people with loving eyes ready to be loyal friend is they'll be one to you back. You have become a volleyball rockstar. You started so unsure and shy. I still remember your trembling little legs on your first game. You came into the court for 5 minutes, but they must have felt like an eternity to you. Look at you now, shorty! You have become integral to your sub-13 category team, and you play so well you have played with the sub-15 and sub-18 categories as well. And where is that trembling youngster? Oh no, nowhere to be found! She is confident enough to serve from the top and to strike like a pro. Mom loves yelling: "Go shorty!" from the side. I hope you know I feel nothing but pride for you. My independent little woman, you now do all your work on your own. Your servant's heart is present at home offering help with chores or caring for mom. You are always daddy's little companion. You have abandoned Zelda and any video games we played! Volleyball takes the bulk of your thoughts. Or is it boys? Ha! Nah! Or maybe mommy doesn't know. Are you so much like a teen you no longer tell me? That's ok! I knew this day would come. I am just so happy you have such good friends in Emma, Laura, and Camila. You are dotting and encouraging to them as always. I will continue to challenge you to extend that to your sister. Don't forget to give the grace in your words and tone you give your friends to your sister and, even on occasions, your mother. Don't be a full fledge teenager yet. Or maybe never! Can you skip over that part? If not, mom is ready to be there and love you no matter what. I keep waiting for it to get hard, but you make it so easy. I am in awe of your beauty, intelligence, talents, dedication, kindness, and character. I love you, my darling Malee. Go, Shorty!

love,

Mom

I Survived I Kissed Dating Goodbye

2024-04-12T13:24:00.000-07:00

Hello, piece of the internet that is mine. Is it mine? I thought I wanted it to be God's. Is it God's? What a rambling way to start this post! Maybe it is a reflection of how reluctant I am to start writing again because I am scared this piece is mine and not His. One thing that will never change here, I hope, is my pursuit to be honest and genuine. There is so much I have wanted to write about, but I've been too afraid. Well, one of my resolutions has been to run toward the thing that scares me; so, in this case, I have to write about this.

I have written posts about why I left my previous church here and here. However, no matter how long it's been, their teachings formed me as a person and still guide me to this day. I don't know if I have mentioned this before, but the words from my dear friend Dela still haunt me to this day: "How do you correct your false doctrine? One spoonful at a time." I have found this to be painfully true. No matter how much I want to correct my crooked path, it's going to need time, effort, and focus on one thing at a time. And I guess this is why I haven't written here anymore but why I am doing it today. It is imminently relevant today. I am working as a high school teacher. I volunteer in the youth ministry. I am the mother of girls quickly becoming preteens. I give advice on a daily basis to youngsters all around me on various issues. I better make sure my doctrine is Biblical and sound. To be able to do this, I must recognize what that doctrine is, how it has changed, why it changed, and if it is worthy of spreading it around. And on this post specifically, I want to talk about my dating doctrine.

I am sure many in Christian circles have read the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye and more recently have heard how author Joshua Harris left his faith, denounced the book, and got divorced from his wife. I had even heard the false rumors that he was now gay spread like facts among Christian circles. (He is not.) Well, turns out he did more than that. He made a documentary called I Survived I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Boy, was it a treat! Not only was it refreshing to see him earnestly listen to the critics of his book but to see him actively seeking to understand how his teachings had hurt others. He had been the inadvertent creator of a legalistic purity movement and wanted to be responsible and accountable for what he had created. I will not speak of where Joshua Harris is today in his faith or in his family life. That is between him and God. I know this topic is controversial, and I can already feel the fear creeping back in to stop the post here.

The documentary and critiques brought to mind my personal relationship with the book and the purity movement. I would like to share some of the main ones:

1. It made you feel unclean. "You have a crush on a boy? Unclean! You have a new crush now? Disloyal and unclean! You are spending too much time being friends with your crush? Unclean, temptress, sinner!"

I am pretty sure I've written this story before, but when I fell in love with my now husband I felt so impure I could not have my devotional for months out of sheer shame to come to the Lord in that state! Mind you, I was in my 20s, graduated from college, and had never dated before. It didn't matter. This was the most impure thing I could do! (Understand the sarcasm, please.) It gave you such a judgmental view of any female-male interaction that is pervasive to this day in Christian circles.

2. It gave you a money-back guarantee. "Want to find the love of your life that will guide you into a holy life and holy family? Follow these steps for pure courtship with marriage in mind and you'll get it all! No divorces! No cheating husbands or deadbeats. No spinsters! If you are truly serving God, He has the 'one' for you."

Oh, how I believed this wholeheartedly! Oh, how many Christian girls believed this wholeheartedly and wrestled with God for not giving them their money-back guarantee when their years of service did not produce a husband or it gave them a bad husband.

3. It perpetuated a rape culture and a patriarchy. "If a boy has feelings for you, you caused it. You caused it with the way you dress, the way you smile, the way you talk to him. It is your job how he feels. It is your job to guard his heart. If a man wants to pursue you, he must come to your father first. No way you know what's good for you without your father's consent!"

I remember having this talk with my daughters and the girls from the youth group. "Is wearing a crop top a sin?" My daughter asks. I took the question before the youth group girls. "Do you not wear one to guard your brothers in Christ?" I asked them. When their reply was a convicting "yes", I told them this approach was wrong. "You are not responsible for another's heart. I've dressed like a nun in my youth and still had guys hitting on me." When answering my daughter's original question about crop tops I told her, "If you went to India and saw girls wearing crop tops because that is how they traditionally dress, would you think it is a sin?" I went on to explain that the act in itself is not what matters but your motivation. "Why do you want to wear a crop top?" Isn't that more important? And your answer should never be for someone else's sake. "I dress modestly because I want to honor my God. That is my personal reply," I tell them. When you let yourself be fed the lie that how you acted and how you dress made another male act a certain way, you perpetuate rape culture. It is time for males to be responsible for their own actions and their own hearts. It is time for girls to stop bearing the responsibility, the violence, and the shame of the males' unhinged desires. I don't have time for the patriarchy arc in this post, but you can go to my other links from the beginning to read more on that and my horror stories of grooming.

4. Dating is a sin. "You must only date with the intent of marriage. If marriage is not the goal, dating is frivolous and dangerous. Courtship is the only Christian alternative available to you."

I've struggled with this one. Is it a sin? Is it not? Will I allow my daughters to date? Goodness, just thinking about it makes me sweat. The funny thing about this one is that I thought I would be the one who would be uptight about dating, and my husband would be more chill because I did not date and he did. Well, turns out that knowing what dating entails and being a father to girls gives him a knowledge that scares him, and he has been really strict and uptight about the subject. I did not see this coming at all. But I like seeing him go through this on the other side of the coin. His dad was tough on him, and he resents some of those exchanges. Now, he sees them as necessary and is contemplating his father's approach. I don't have much knowledge because I married my first boyfriend. I know of Christian friends who did not grow up in churches setting all these rules for their dating life, and they still made it to their marriage as virgins.

4. Sexual sins carry more condemnation. "You are like an apple. When you give your heart and body to a boyfriend, he takes a bite. You give him a piece of your heart you will never get back. And then you come to your husband all bitten and incomplete. Is this what you want to present to your husband?"

I shudder at the memory of me sharing this with younger girls. I was taught it. I lived by it. I perpetuated it. I recently learned that someone shared a similar "flower" analogy with my students, saying each romantic encounter took a petal away. A mother was rightfully outraged. Imagine if you are saying this to a girl who has been a victim of abuse, which statistics tell us could be at least 50% of them! Imagine someone coming to Christ later in life and being presented with this! Or that someone simply liked to date. Is this person less before Christ? Has this person not been redeemed? Have they not been made whole by Jesus?

I have had people who saw how I dated my husband and thought: "She got it right." I "got it right" on my first try not because I was special or because I waited or because I had the right rule book. I got it right because God was merciful, and my first try turned out to be an amazing man. But what if it hadn't turned out right? I don't know how I would have reacted. And how would those to whom it didn't turn out right know what to do? Or how would they know how to move forward and try again? And how would they have been prepared to deal with the guilt and shame of failing? If my relationship had caused such a rift between me and my Lord by filling me with shame to turn to Him, how can I even consider it "getting right'? I suffered for years. I rejected my husband for years. The only reason it worked is that for some reason I still can't fathom he was head over heels for me, and he kept pursuing me despite myself.

I call finding my husband as "God saving me from myself." I thank my friend David (a.k.a Cucaracha), who doesn't know how his words changed the course of my life, said to me straight. He said to me: "Keep doing what you're doing. Keep hoping and pursuing a husband who is a pastor or a deacon. Keep doing what the church commands you to do. You will get exactly what you want, and you will one day realize you wake every morning next to a man you don't even like." That scared me. I could picture it very clearly. He was right. I had almost been groomed. (Want to know more? Read the links at the top!) I almost let the best man who's ever loved me slip away. I thank God every day for the mercy of asking myself "Is it You who is telling me 'no' to this man or is it the church?" and realizing it was not His voice saying "no." I had heard my spiritual leaders so much that I didn't even know what listening to His voice was, but, by some miracle, His Spirit within me spoke to my spirit, and, by His grace, we have been happily married for almost 14 years.

My students asked me: "What do we do then? How do we find the right person?" At the time, I told them I didn't have an answer. I spent some time with my lovely mentor, Diane, a few days ago, and she gave me an answer I can take before my kids: "What we do, we do by faith." It won't turn out perfect because this world is fallen. There are no money-back guarantees for following Jesus. He actually warned us that we would have afflictions. But if we walked by faith, we can be sure He has a purpose, He sustains us, He is with us, and He is still doing things that no eye has seen or ear has heard for the glory of His name.

Kaylee´s Minions and Unicorns Birthday Party

2024-04-12T12:55:00.000-07:00

Can any theme better describe Kaylee?

It's equal parts girly and crazy!

I relied on balloon help for this one.

And our and our friends' extensive minion collection.

Tell me that topper is not Kaylee personified?

Colors, design, rainbows. It was ll done to match her to a t.

This topper was done by her personal request.

These unicorn cupcakes had me shocked at how easy they were to make and how good they turned out.

Pretty much everything in this theme was easy to DIY. The marshmallow eyes made these simple cupcakes pop.

Kaylee disliked the unicorn cookies initially because "their eyes look crazy." Then she compared them to the movie unicorn and declared they were perfect.

Had to have one cookie bot! Boogie!

The gift bags were easy but cute.

Unicorns and minions all the way!

We got an Agnes, Margo, and minion. Dad was too hot to be gru, and mommy was just to exhausted.

My beautiful Tita was moving to Costa Rica a few months after this party. I pray with all my heart this won't be the last birthday we share together.

Easiest photobooth ever.

Laser beam course.

Ignite the bomb relay race.

Police and cops team game

Build the tower and topple the enemy's one first game.

We had other games like tie the villain and water gun attack extravaganza. It was such a great day!

Dear Kaylee,

You turned 9, but you seem to be forever my little girl. You have love going to school. I was so scared for you, not because mommy didn't think you were smart enough but because I felt you were too hyper for sitting still. How wrong I was! Your teachers tell me that you are the best-behaved student in your class. I was super scared about you taking Spanish. Oh no, Spanish did a number on us during our homeschool years. You cried and I cried. Look at you now! Excelling at everything you put your hand on, you finished your first school year with a high honor roll! It was strange celebrating your first birthday having classmates. What a long guest list that was! You just get along well with everyone in your class. You have an amazing class that received you with open arms. You were lucky that you had Xavi and Santi there to welcome you. You were also excited, to your parents' dismay, to have Matias there. You make sure everyone is included. You are still the jokester you've always been. You had the beautiful opportunity to get baptized during Resurrection Sunday. I can't tell you how my heart was jumping in my to see you decide to walk with Jesus and make Him the Lord of your life. You joined the dance club at school and have given me the most beautiful worship dances I have ever seen. You dance with your entire body, baby. Of course mommy couldn't keep her tears inside. You love dancing, playing video games, watching YouTube, playing in the living room hammock, and making friends, You got to witness your tios (Javier and Heike) getting engaged in January (2023), and you begged to go to Honduras to be a flower girl. Well, baby, it's happening! You will be a flower go and you are finally going back to your beloved Honduras. You're as ever a romantic. Oh boy, you make your dad and I sweat with worry. I try to do right by you and view your heart from the purity it's coming from. Please forgive mommy because she carries a lot of emotional and spiritual baggage, especially in that department. I am letting the Lord guide me into guarding your heart from feeling judged or repressed. It's a balancing act mommy is always learning to do better. It's been strange because the older you get the more I realize you resemble your father more, but get along better with me and vice-versa is real with your father and Emmalee, where she resembles me more and gets along better with him. You are still my giggle bug, jumping shrimp. Your energy is as magnetic as it's always been. I'm excited to watch you grow and watch the wonderful things you'll do for the Lord. You love plushies like a crazy person. You have learned to be detached from them and have donated a few, but you still collect new ones and get excited by them. I loved making your Minions-unicorns party. I think that party theme perfectly described you: An uber girly, lovely kid that would go crazy for unicorns, but a crazy, looney, funny, hilarious, troublemaker minion. I say this in the best of ways, baby. You are so special! You don't take yourself too seriously, you give the best billion-kisses kiss every night, the best hugs, and the best smiles. I love you, my darling. I love you a lot!

Mommy

Breath of the Wild birthday party for Emmalee's 10th with links to free printables and papercrafts

2022-12-23T09:36:00.004-08:00

Welcome to one of the most awesome birthday parties ever in this blog. Maybe I am biased because I am such a huge Breath of the Wild fan. Maybe it's because BOTW 2 is coming out next May and we can't wait. Maybe it's because it is one of the most thought out birthday parties I've ever had to create. Whatever it is, I think it was EPIC! You need to stick around for the games and activities.

Decorations

As always, we start off with the decorations and the main table.

How incredibly easy were those archery balloons to recreate. I just had to print the target circle color and tape them to white balloons.

Used Crayola watercolors to create that backdrop. Glad my girls were up to helping.

The birthday banner shields were a free printable found on online here.

Can you find the "cupcake" my sister made fun of in my backdrop paiting?

I made the EMMALEE letters which you can barely make out using Mr. P 3D letter template and printables of different BOTW landscapes. It could have made it more cohesive, but I still loved showing different BOTW sights.

I stuck to the chibi theme with the characters. Just googled chibi BOTW and used the best sticker images I could find.

I know! I know! This terrako is not BOTW, but the printable was so cute. Too bad I didn't notice the base had shifted when I took the pic. Love the chibi link riding Epona, eventhough there is no Epona in BOTW unless you are like me and named her such!

Could not find good BOTW cookie references online, so I made my own creation!

Free BOTW link papercraft found here.

Free Kass papercraft found here.

Look at that sad smooshed silent princess flower. The cake suffered some transportations casualties. Pic in the bottom of cake before taking a ride.

Master sword papercraft here

I wanted to do the sunrise colors of the backdrop on the cake also. I think it looks so cute.

Up close my shrine is not much to see, but I'm just so proud of no longer using fondant on my cakes. This is pure buttercream.

Milk labels here.

These monster cakes were almost a disappointment. First I made the horns with merengues following this website's suggestion. I left them on the oven. I had struggled with sticky merengues in the past, so I had extra purple buttercream to pipe the horns. Left that in the fridge. I almost cried when I saw my sad hornless monster cakes. They had taken so long because they had a dulce de leche filling and had taken a while to assemble. My sister saved the displayed ones with some last minute cardboard horns.

Master sword printable here.

How cool is my castle? Took forever to hangs those curtains, but they were everything!

Champions window for cool background for pics.

In case you are unaware, everything, and I mean EVERYTHING is handmade by me. So, yes, I made that Zelda outfit too! Also made that girl!

And also made that master sword using this papercraft.

Here is the link for the master sword papercraft on the main table. (Yes, realized after printing it wasn't BOTW, used it anyway!)

My girls. My youngest is using a DIY Zelda necklace.

Yes! I made my husband an outfit also! He is my handsome Link.

He was reluctant until I told him how proud his daughter would feel watching those pictures down the line. He agreed even though he knew it would be hot under that outfit. It was and he endured it.

My lovely family. Like my fairy headband?

Crazy about my guardian piñata. So cool. Those paper cups came down with the first hit though!

Games

Here is my favorite part of the party. I wanted a IRL experience of BOTW, as much as possible. So, we made some phases. They needed to get a heart piece and a potion to do the shrine quests, but getting these were not going to be easy either.

Heart piece and Korok quest

To get a heart piece, they needed to stop by the cooking station, but first they needed to collect 3 ingredients. I made the ingredients using air dry clay.

Stamella mushroom

Hylian mushroom

Endura mushroom

Hearty Radish

River Frog

Hearty truffle

Fairy tree

Silent princess

I made an adventure satchel for each kid with a cardboard sheikah slate for each one. The sheikah slate had a map of the world (that coincided with the park) and the korok quest. I'll show you in the next pictures.

These were the hidden koroks that had a symbol that they had to decipher the right number in their slate to get the code. The first 3 to finish got Korok plushies. They did the quest while also looking for ingredients.

This is what my daughter's slate looked like in the end

Here she solved her korok quest, but she came in 4th

If you wish to use them, here is the jpg I made.

And here is the map. Our castle was in the center of the park, just like on the map! Serendipitous!

To get to their next quest, they had to find the Korok circle in their map. This was the hardest quest for pretty much every kid, mainly because only the 4 kids that played the game knew what a Korok circle looked like. I had to redirect most of them to it!

We were lucky to have a large and lushious jungle park!

Zelda looks so cool in the wild! Do you like her satchel???

Here are the 1st and 2nd place winners of the Koroks quest showing off their Korok plushies!

The satchel was a good place to carry all the goodies they collected.

Once they had their 3 ingredients, they could head to the cooking station. They had 4 choices: fruit for 1 rupee, veggie for 5 rupees, mushroom for 20, and spicy jalapeño for 50. After you ate your meal, you got the rupees you earned and your heart piece. Most boys went for the jalapeño.

I'll post the Korok quest images, the monster and gears part image, and the rupees and heart piece images.

Archery and Potion

Unfortunately, I didn't take picture of the kids fishing, but I had a bucket of plastic fishes and a dollar store fishing cane with a magnet for the kids to collect a fish if they hadn't found a frog. To make a potion, they needed a fish or a frog and a monster part. To get a monster part, they needed to head to the archery.

Here is my lovely octorok ready to be shot at.

You can tell Adri hit it in the first try.

You got 3 attempts. If you hit the target, you get 20 rupees and monster parts. If you didn't, you only got monster parts.

Even the dads wanted to give it a try.

Then they headed to the potions station. I found the easiest most awesome potion recipe: alcohol, glitter, and mica powder. It gives it a real potion took. Even the parents were surprised.

The mica powder does not mix with the alcohol, so it gives these incredible swirls. You can find mica powder in soap making stores. I bought these potion bottles at the dollar store. They are my favorite fidget toy. I made a few for myself to keep in my desk and just twirl and twirl to see the swirls and swirls.

Shrine Quests

You needed to find 3 other mates that had the heart piece and potion to head to the shrine. Here is team #1 posing at the shrine. Extra me would have done a shrine entrance in the past (see my jurassic park party to see what I mean), but I had already spent too many hours sewing all those satchels. A shrine pic it is!

Shrine Quest #1:

The floor is lava. Just have the kids go from x to y using cardboard pieces. 5 pieces for 4 players to move the piece from the back to the front passing it to each player until everyone makes it through. Make it small to make the balancing fun!

Shrine Quest #2:

Remember the pattern. Inspired by the musical shrine quest in Rito Village, kids must remember the pattern to play all the colors. Each teammate comes to receive a new color and play it on the drums. The next teammate must remember the colors played before and play the next one to reveal it to their team. That last kid had to remember all 8 colors order, but their teammates could help them.

Shrine Quest #3:

Take the ball to the other side. Mark a spot from x to y and tell the kids they must form a bridge using only their cups to take the ball to the other side. Inspired by some shrines where you need to freeze objects to direct balls.

This is the orb image I made for this challenge to print and cut.

After completing the 3 shrines, each kid got a different Orb. Then. they had to look for the kids that had the same champion to do together the champion quest.

Champions Quest

The champions quest was an escape room challenge I got from this website. I printed the escape room challenge as it came and just glued some left over orbs to make it match the champions. The escape room challenge has 4 rooms, so I just made each room a champion challenge. The team that finished their "room" first, won 50 rupees and the second team got 20. The others got the satisfaction of escaping.

They ran for their fairy once I told them it got them rupees.

Ready to destroy the guardian. It had bolts and gears inside for more rupees too.

Time to exchange the rupees for prizes!!!!

There were candy bags, dollar store toys, but here are the DIY BOTW shrink charms I made to make bracelets and hair bows. The kids loved them. I also got these gaming inspired bendy straws! Safe to say that Beedle store was a big hit!

And yes, I died at the end.

Dear Emmalee,

I can't believe you turned 10! Ten years of seeing God's goodness in my life through your life. You were only 3 when mommy got cancer. I thought you would grow up not even remembering me. You had to grow up so fast. You had to take care of your mommy since you were 3 years old. That is 7 years of you massaging me when I have my chronic pain, caressing my forehad when I get migranes, and putting up with me when I'm cranky because I couldn't sleep. It pains me to know you've carried this burden with me, but it also excites me to think what this has done to your heart and to your character. And I can already see what the Lord has been doing in your heart. You have a heart ready to know Him, serve Him, seek Him, and learn from Him. You love coming with me to the Crossfire youth band vocal practices where you watch mommy vocal coach young people and you learn too. You come with me to Crosswalk where you are learning how to evangelize and you are getting ready for your first mission trip to the village of Para Puru in the heart of the Panamanian jungle. You were so understanding when mommy left for Egypt on a short mission trip this fall, and I pray it also inspires your future endeavors. You went to school for the first time in your life. You don't feel sorry for yourself for having been homeschooled all your life. You feel greatful for it and have told me so in many of the letters you still continually write to me. You have shined so brightly at your school. Everyone calls you and your sister the welcoming committee for you are at the school gate ready to hug every kid as they come inside. You are a friend without prejudice. You were so nervous your first day of school you were not able to sleep. Mommy tried everything with you to make you sleep, but you could not sleep an ounce. You were worried you were not going to be loved or accepted. You came back that very same day realizing all your fears were for nothing. You made so many friends and you are such a happy girl. You scored highter than your class on your MAP test. I was so impressed. Mom was super intense on your first month of school. I felt like your performance was a direct mirror of my teaching. I was able to let go and let you do you. You do you so well. You just shine wherever you go and in whatever you do. You are doing so great at school. I can see how hard you work to do well and to be kind. You inspire me so much. People always tell me what a great kid I have, and I always tell them it's all you. I have nothing to do with that. You put in the hard work. I loved sharing Breath of the Wild with you. I didn't think you would get so into it like I did. But, you did, and I couldn't be happier. It's like our thing just the two of us, because daddy and Kaylee didn't get into it. I know you were the happiest ten year old in your Zelda costume. You feel so proud that mommy makes it all for you. You constantly tell your friends what new thing mommy had made for your party, and we always can't wait to finally see it altogether. Thank you for the sister you are. You are learning to be more a sister and less a second mom to Kaylee, but I will always love your protective and overseeing love you have for her. It's been a year filled with many firsts. The first time you went to a birthday party without your sister because it was one of your classmates. Kaylee really didn't enjoy that, but it's time to have you have your own things. You've been sharing everything with your sister since you were 1. You've been so generous and sweet. My dearest, you make me so happy and proud. I don't care if you get good grades, if you have good attitudes, or if you like me. I love you for who you are. Thank you for having all of the above, but know that my love for you is unconditional. I am just so full of gratitude to our God to allow me live and watch you grow and be cared and taught by you. You are amazing.

Love, Mom.

Kaylee's Under the Sea 8th Birthday party

2022-11-14T11:22:00.002-08:00

So, apparently I'm using today to get back on track. I just finished Emmalee's very belated party post, and now I'm doing Kaylee's. I'm doing this because I need the mind-space to finish Emmalee's upcoming birthday. So, here we go...

As always, Kaylee's themes are very girly and I absolutely love that.

You can see that I really got into those mylar balloons from the previous party. But we blew up two of them. My heart almost went with them because we blew up the mermaid one.

Kaylee really loved the theme and the girly printables. She chose this mermaid to represent her and asked me to paint her with short hair like hers.

Doesn't get more girly than these lovely favor bags.

I always check Creative canon park for good printables, and these whales that are candy holders were amazing and so easy to make.

I learned from Emmalee's strawberry party to always make a boy version of the favor boxes.

Kaylee finally got to repeat her sister's sundae bar in one of her birthdays.

That octupus in the middle is the culprit for this theme. Kaylee said she had enough plushies for the theme, so she requested it.

I always wanted to make a mechanical toy from Creative Park. This is awesome.

Kaylee loved helping me paint this.

Buttercream is king now in my cakes, but fondant also makes a small appearance. I covered the printed images with transparent tape to protect it from the buttercream.

I can never get that gradient correct, but I feel I got a lot closer with this cake.

But here the gradient is more stripey. Well, I tried.

Long time without making any fondant characters.

My favorite thing about this cookie is that I shaped the cookie cutter to serve dual purpose and cut the whales and the octopuses with one cutter. Genius, if I do say so myself.

See how the wave and the tail of the whale is the tentacles of the octopus?

This pic with my mom in it is always one of my greatest joys in life.

Here is the photobooth area next to our main table.

My cutie pie!

These two are three years apart, but their friendship is the most sincere and close I've ever seen.

Adri always uses my props best

How adorable is baby Colette

The obligatory cookie picture.

Games

Some was excited about the bubble octopus machine.

Good way to start getting wet: pass the water down the line.

Don't drop the water balloon.

Towel volleyball

Is common knowledge common? Better be able to think under pressure.

Someone is ready for the water balloon battle.

Attack!

Xavi takes the best pictures. Mermaid tail piñata.

We had colored flame candles, but in direct sunlight you couldn't even tell they were on.

Oh, the joy of being surrounded by family and friends.

Thank you, Lord, for family and friends.

Dear Kaylee,

My little jumping shrimp. you are the joy of my heart. I love your little innocent heart open to everything and everyone around you. My little one, when did you become such a romantic? You are "falling in love" too many times now. You like boys whose name starts with MAT... First it was Mateo. Now it's Matias. And I say it here because one thing you deeply dislike is hiding your feelings. You like to let the world know which boy is "the most beautiful" in your eyes. And you let that boy know too. Oh sweetie pie, I hope no one breaks your heart for being so innocent and loving. I hope that whoever gets your heart knows what a great treasure He has found. You are so loving as a friend. You are still drawn more towards peers or younger crowds, unlike your sister who seeks older crowds. You are comfortable being the caretaker for little ones and you yourself still fancy yourself one. It's ok by mommy. I don't want you to grow up too fast and neither do you (although you romantic side is a contradiction). Baby, you love dancing above all. You can spend your evenings learning a new dance to your hearts content, although you are not so happy with structure dancing. You struggle following instructions in your ballet class, but that's ok. You still do your best, and your sister is there to keep you straight. You and your sister still look out for each other. That will always fill my heart. I hope you always know the treasure you have in each other. I love watching you draw and paint, and do your best to remake your old drawings. You love giving letters now, which is new. But mommy loves receiving your drawings and letters, just as much as I love Emma's. You love writing letters to your friends and to your family. You are still a picky eater. You really need to do better there, but mommy is also struggling to push you harder. Your Spanish has come leaps and bounds. You love watching Moriah Elizabeth and NerdeCrafter with mommy. We love watching those vids together. I hope we'll get to make tutorials and videos together in the future. You've done a few tutorials of drawings on your own, and mommy absolutely loves them. You are so articulate and sweet. You have this sweetness to your voice that always come accompanied by your huge cat-in-boots-like eyes. It's really hard for me to say no to those big eyes. I loved watching you with your grandpa this past christmas. You two were dancing classical music in a pas de deux. I almost cried of joy watching you two reconnect and just have the absolute most goregous grandpa-granddaughter moment I've ever seen. I loved seeing you and your sister with your Grandma Martha and Grandma Lyla. You guys have the most amazing grandmas and grandpas in the world. I can't wait to see you with your Tio Kris and Tio Javier in 2023. We had a short visit from Tio Ditto this year just before your birthday. It was an awesome time together! I can't believe you agreed to cannon jump from a high rock into a river. You only agreed because you jumped on Tio Ditto's arms, but you did it. Emma was quicker to follow suit when her Tio jumped from the rock. I love you so much. Thank you for loving me the way you do. May God give you many years more.

Love.

Mom

Jurassic Park party for Emmalee's 9th Birthday

2022-10-31T09:53:00.005-07:00

I am a year late a year late with this post, because I'm literally at the cusp of doing her 10th birthday, but I can't let this opportunity to document her birthday go away. I always imagine than in the years to come, we can read these posts and watch the pictures together of all the parties we have done together. Since her tenth birthday is up, we should have 10 parties to reminisce on, but alas we "lost" one during the pandemic. It wasn't a complete loss because we were able to do a co-birthday with her and her sister, but Emmalee got the date of the celebration, but Kaylee got the theme: Carnival.

This Jurassic party was the first big one after Covid. We were able to invite 15 friends. We did it in a park that cost me $0 and gave us total privacy and space. Best deal ever. All I had to do was go to the municipality and sign a request for a birthday party at the requested park and boom! It was such a hit, many moms used the same park for their parties. We had actually picked a different park initially because it had so much space and variety of games, but it was raining during those days. So at the last day, we had to change parks because this one had a large gazebo in the center for rain coverage and many trees to hang more rain coverage. It was a great birthday. The best thing about was that Abuelo Rodolfo and Abuela Martha had come from Honduras and were present!!!!

Decorations and main table

Welcome to Jurassic Park (Can you hear the music playing in the background while going through the gates? Use your imagination)

Cutie explorers are welcomed!

An so are wannabe velociraptors

Loving these covid memories

How amazing is this pic with Abuelo and Abuela in the center. Abuela Linda of course is also here.

Mom was supposedly dressed like Ellie Sattler from the first movie.

I made this backdrop 10 minutes before setting up. I opened the paint I took to realize it was almost empty. I watered it down and prayed it would be enough as I was already behind. But the paint

I called Tia Lilly crying for help. I had never been so behind for a party ever. I hadn't finished the Jeep favor boxes. Hadn't blown the balloons, hadn't finished the fire in the entrance gate. She came over early and saved the day.

Definitely the dino balloons save the decor and the day. But I really loved the Jeep favor boxes because I designed them.

Muddy chocolate and oreo cups

Erupting volcanoes with dino eggs inside and some binoculars for exploring

The cake is so boyish, but Emmalee absolutely loved it. Shoutout to Diego for lending me all his dino figurines and the jurassic park jeep.

Easiest cookies in the planet!

Those dino figurines really make it what it is!

Party of four together by the grace of God

Tia Lilly added the vines and the top Emmalee banner completed our table.

Love my explorers.

Games

Fossil print hunt: We started with a fossil print scavenger hunt. Each kid was given this page with the names removed and had to go around the park finding the print, matching it, and filling in the name. First to finish gets a price.

Adri made good use of her binoculars for the scavenger hunt.

Dino knowledge test. Each page had pictures of dinosaurs and dino names. Match the name to the right dino. First one to finish wins. This was one of the hardest tasks. I thought they'd get it super fast, but it took them a while to get all of the names right.

I even stepped in to help.

Games 3 and 4 where simultaneous.

Dino foot race: We had a dino foot race and and dino fossil race.

I made the dino shoes with three ball holders. It was a minute-to-win-it game. The one who could take more balls to the bucket at the end of the track in one minute won.

Fossil puzzle race: The second game was a sort of relay race and whoever could do it faster won. I made some bones out of flour and salt on the oven in the shape of the fossil puzzle. The kids had to run back and forth the track placing one bone at a time. The fastest time won.

Here is Xavi looking concentrated walking in the dino feet. It was harder than it seemed.

The best entertainment was my husband dressed as a T-rex. The kids went bananas for it.

Don't get eaten by the T-rex. Our last game was my favorite. It was a mix between Squid game's red light and green light and jurassic park's myth that a T-rex won't eat you if you don't move. I stood at the end of the race. If I was turning back, the kids could move. If I turned to face them, they had to stop and stray frozen. If I saw any movement, I would instruct the T-rex to eat you.

Some kids got eaten on purpose because it was so much fun to get eaten by the T-rex, but some were really focused on getting to the end first. Santi is about to have his limbs bitten off for the second time!

Emmalee almost made it to the end first when she was brutally gobbled by her T-rex dad.

Best picture. Ellie Sattler and the T-rex!

I worked on this cardboard jeep for 2 weeks!

But getting to recreate this scene was too much fun. Each kid got a chance to take a pic with the T-rex in the jeep.

Diego is the other biggest Jurassic park fan, so I was excited to see him enjoy himself.

And of course, you close the fun time with a dino piñata masacre!

Dear Emmalee,

I'm writing this letter almost a year late, but I will write this letter to 9 year old Emmalee. My sweetest girl, you are in third grade at this point. You have been doing homeschool with mommy for almost 5 years. You don't know it yet, but you'll be in a school in fourth grade. And you don't know how you'll test higher than all your class, except in Spanish. That is because you are impressive in everything you do. I love to see you continue to work hard in your drawing skills, your reading skills, your writing skills. You still send letters to me whenever you want to say anything hard or deep to me. I love that I live in a modern era, but get letters on the regular because of you. I love how you earnestly pour your heart in your writing and become vulnerable like you can't while talking. I love that you are still such a present big sister. You are always making sure your sister does her work well, does her ballet class well, and does not get her way when she is not being obedient. Mom still tells you to be only a sister and not a "mommy", but you can't help it. But you care that Kaylee gets good things, to share your food and toys, to take turns on the nintendo or watching TV. You do piano lessons and computer lessons with your sister and you encourage each other. You love trying new things. I just love watching you grow into a lovely lady that loves her friends deeply. You are such a good friend to all your friends. You don't care about status o age. You'll befriend anyone willing to be kind to you back.

You have had the most amazing time reconnecting with Abuelo and Abuela Zelaya. You and your grandpa still have the strongest connection. Watching you two talk and walk hand in hand, and just cuddle watching TV has brought so much joy to my heart. Your grandma Martha has been longing to be with you. You wasted no time to catch up with all the things you wanted to do with her and show her. You even made a fort to cuddle her under it. You sleep with your Lyla every weekend. It's still your favorite time to be with her and take a bath with her. You don't lose the kid in you, which I can't say for your tenth year. You take the greatest care of me! If you see mommy feeling sick, you'll caress my forehead until I stomp groaning and fall asleep. You help me in the kitchen and want a cooking lesson daily. I just love how daring and brave you are to try new things. You are fearless my little one. You love the Lord deeply and love your church dearly. This brings me so much joy. You are understanding, great listener, filled with compassion, and filled with wonder to learn. You continue to amaze me and fill my life with so much love and joy. I thank God for every year He has given you by my side.

I love you,

Mom

How to stop feeling bad about yourself... ?

2022-07-28T07:47:00.004-07:00

I haven't written in my little corner of the internet where I pretend I'm a writer or where I enjoy trying to make sense of the things that I go through for quite some time now. And I have to say, that tittle that made me chuckle as I was writing it and then decided to add the . . . and the question mark has a lot to do with that.

For some time, in this little corner of mine (Welcome, by the way. It's my corner but I make it public, so thank you for coming over) I had been writing about my battle with depression and PTSD after I profusely wrote about my cancer journey. It fills my heart with joy when many of you flood my posts on cancer-recovery with likes and comments. But my depression posts don't get much traction. I thought it had to do with the fact that they were never a "recovery" post like my cancer post were. I was getting a little tired of hearing myself talk about my battle with depression and anxiety, and I gathered that you too were tired of the same old same old. So, I said to myself I would come back to my corner when I had finally figured it out, and I could share with you all of the steps I took to recover and tell you how I was now thriving. (I chuckled again... mainly cringing remembering having heard that word uttered in the first minute of the new Persuasion movie.)

So, I'm sad to inform you I have no such posts in my near future. Sometimes I even wonder if I'll have to deal with depression and anxiety for the rest of my life. And then it hit me that millions of people around the world are and will walk that road I'm in too. Isn't that our first comforting thought? "Someone else is also going through this." Is it comforting though? I never venture to be an expert on anything, but I would answer "yes." And one of the reasons it's comforting is because a logical conclusion we hope is: "Someone figured it out. Someone got better. Someone has valid, useful advice." And even if all that fails, we can at least conclude "Someone understands." And that last one is really comforting. Sometimes I think suffering anxiety and depression would be better defined as being neurodivergent, and my neurotypical husband can simply not understand what goes inside my atypical brain.

Most sufferers of depression and anxiety would agree that our view of reality is very askew; and in my case, my most awry perception is myself. I was talking with my mentor Diane last week and she said these words to me: "So you hear people around you say good things about you and about what you are doing and who you are, but you choose to believe the complete opposite? You can hear God say that you are loved, important, cared for, and you deliberately CHOOSE to believe it's a lie? And if anyone comes and tells you you are worthless and trash THAT you would believe is true?" And without one hesitation I said: "Yes! I believe I'm worthless."

It pains me to write this and tell you this. Most of the people who ever stumble on my little corner are people who were there for me during my cancer journey. People that prayed and donated and made fund raisers and made home and hospital visits. You did so much to save my life even with your messages and your comments and your encouragement and support. And here I am telling you that since that battle began my little brain has been telling me over and over: "The world would be better off if you had died" and that sometimes I have chosen to believe that is true.

Just this Sunday the youth pastor came over and said to me "You are doing a great job with the girls." "Which girls?" I asked. "The girls in the youth band. I can see the difference in them. They are more confident. They are experimenting more. Even the way they stand in the stage. Thank you." I had been giving harmony lessons to the youth band singers all year every Saturday morning. He didn't know that I was feeling bad because last Saturday the sound guy had gotten mad at me for using the church's piano without informing him, and another friend told me I might have gotten the band leader in trouble because I had not informed the sound guy. It made me feel so terribly bad that I was thinking of telling the band leader I was no longer going to do the singing lessons. "You see?" said my brain. "You tried to help, but you only got someone else in trouble for meddling in what no one ask you to meddle in. And those girls probably don't even want to attend your lessons and are not learning anything useful." I have to make a pause here because I just wrote "my brain said" and the Spirit just made me realize I should have written " and the Devil told you." I don't think the youth leader knows how much his words resonated in my mind to debunk the lie I was believing. Again, choosing to believe only what's worst, only what's bad, even after some parents had already come to tell me how happy they were seeing their daughters improve and how happy their kids said they were in their singing lessons.

In my pursuit of finding comfort in knowing other people feels this way, I read a few articles when I googled "How to stop feeling bad about yourself." They're quite some good articles in the web on that. Here is the main gist of those articles:

Why they happen:

1. Those feelings stemmed from "not feeling good as a child" and from "believing you must be perfect."

2. Those feelings surface when you compare yourself to others.

What you can do:

1. Appreciate what you have. In other words, practice gratitude. Those who've been here from the very beginning know how employing this one plentifully saved my life during my Tigo days.

2. Understand that life is not a fair game. This one is particularly insightful. And it also connects to the comparing yourself to others. "I should be married by now.""I should have a house of my own by now." "I should have a good job by now.""I should have kids by now.""I should have matured and gotten over my depression by now." Why? Because others have! But were you in the same circumstance, with the same opportunities, the same upbringing, the same resources, the same connections????

3. Things aren't always what they seem. This one connects to what my Pastor Steve shared this Sunday in church. I confessed to him that I was struggling a little this Sunday, and I chose not to listen to the message even though I was serving in the worship team. I went home and I felt the Spirit whispering in my ear that I needed to hear the message. I finally caved in the afternoon and listened to the message through our YouTube channel Crossroads Bible Church Panama. The message was titled "When God rains on your parade." Talk about serendipity! It was the reason I didn't want to listen to the message in the first place. I felt God was raining on my parade. Basically, God knows why He closes doors and makes us wait. I recommend reading God in the MEANtime by my very own Diane Batchelor on Amazon for more on that subject. You'll love it!

4. If you must compare, compare to yourself. Acknowledge your own progress and how far you've come. Careful with this one. If you don't practice self-compassion, it will be easy to even beat yourself more if you compare yourself to yourself. You are still alive and that counts if you need a starting point. That is truly a feat with us depression sufferers, so take it as a victory that you are still here and you are still trying and haven't given up on life.

5. Accept what you can change and what you can´t. This one has been the hardest one after cancer, when I thought I would one day go back to normal. I guess this is what veterans feel. They thought they'd go back from the war to their homes to their normal. Normal never comes back. Normal body, normal sleeping, normal thinking, normal relaxing, normal relating... it's never again what it use to, and we spend years searching that "normal" before accepting that change is the new normal, even if we wouldn't choose it.

So, if there are articles out there about the same subject, why write this post?

Well, because my main audience is myself. I write to make sense. I write to understand. I write to remember. I'm pretty sure I've said something of a similar sentiment here in my blog, but I learned a new step that I will write before this final most important one that you can probably guess but need to hear it anyway.

6. You don't get to keep what you've learned in the past without actively practicing it today. Learned how to cartwheel when a teenager? Haven't done it in years? Try it to and see how well your body responds to you attempting to cartwheel in your adulthood. Hopefully you did not hurt yourself. This is the same with our emotional and spiritual gains. Learned how to trust God in the unknown? Great. Think you'll do it again in the next storm? Not necessarily unless you had actively trusted God with the little things or with everyday communion with Him building that trust. Learned how to be kinder to yourself? Won't keep doing it unless you practice that inner kindness when you mess up, when you fail, when you didn't do what was expected of you, when you didn't perform like you thought you would. Messed up lunch? Did you practice giving yourself props for attempting to make lunch? Depressed and feeling like staying in bed? Did you practice saying "good job" for getting up to take a shower? Did you tell yourself today that you are valued, loved, and important? Can't believe that or say that? Next step will help.

7. Tell yourself what God says about you.

Do you know what He says about you? Do you know He says your life is worth the life and blood of His one and only Son? Do you know He says that if you got lost He would leave the 99 sheeps just to go find you? That if you have been far and away from Him, when He sees you in the path walking back to Him He runs to throw a party and is waiting to greet you at the door with a kiss and a hug? Do you know that there is nothing you can do to make Him love you more because His love for you right now is so infinite there is no definition for more?

My sweet Diane has had me repeating this children's song when I start believing lies that contradict what God says about me:

"I am covered over with the robe of righteousness that Jesus gives to me, He gives to me.

I am covered over with the precios blood of Jesus, and He live in me, He lives in me.

What a joy it is to know my Heavenly Father loves me so He gives to me my Jesus

When He looks at me He sees not what I used to be but He sees Jesus! "

Anyways, This post was a complete rambling disorder. I'm sorry if it makes no sense. I'm trying to understand my brain. Why does it behave like that? Depression is a fog. Anxiety is a wild ride. And your brain short circuits. We have to find steps to take to cope. Steps to take in the hard times. Coping mechanisms when our brain is hurting or making no sense. Or maybe have the right words when the Devil is spewing lies, and he knows we are in a vulnerable spot. We can call out His truth like Jesus did in the desert.

Llama Birthday Party for Kaylee's 7th

2021-12-16T20:37:00.004-08:00

Goodness! Once again I am writing this post just before Emmalee's party so that I don't miss out on sharing this celebration. But, I have to keep a record of this party. It was one of my favorite of all time.

Let me break it all down for you.

I fell totally in love with that tassel and pom poms garland, and it looks even nicer as decoration in the girls' room. It was pretty simple to DIY.

Got the backdrop idea from several pinterest pins. Loved the Inca looking mountains. I drew the llama from an illustration on pinterest and the girls had fun painting it. They also had fun helping me watercolor the cactus in the backdrop. We let our creative juices flow.

The best part of a pandemic party is that the guest list is short, so it lends itself for more personalized items. Loved these boxes.

Canon Creative Park never lets me down with their paper models, and most of the cactus paper models you'll see are from them. I still have them in my living room. They're too cut to throw away.

Loved the terracota pot cupcake wrapper that made my succulent cupcakes come to life.

I tried different colors and designs for the succulents.

I actually intended for the cake to be a little more subdued, but the color explosion could not be contained. It might not have been as polished as I would have liked, but it is so cute.

There were three llama piñatas made, and I am happy to report that all three are alive and well. Two hangs in my daughters' room and one in Adri's.

Llama lollypops

For Covid protection, we are always writing our kids' names on their cup. This time it was personalized for them.

These cactus cookies where so easy to make. I have a little youtube tutorial for these and my llama cookies in my channel Linda Zelaya.

Those meringues where a nightmare. I might try to do meringues one more time, but I don't know what I am doing wrong. They were firm and delicious when I put them on display. By the time the kids got them, they were squishy and sticky! :(

Got these llama paper models for free online. So cute.

These are the other cookies included in my tutorial. Can you believe I made the cookie cutter for these out of an old cookie cutter reshaping it with tweezers?!

Served some llama ears (orejitas)

This is the llama I made for the llama plushie tutorial on my youtube channel.

I love that the latino flair is so festive. We had tostadas for lunch!

The photo booth. I had so much fun painting this.

Easiest photo prop ever!

This is what my mom's living room looked like!

Prizes!!! Loved finding those cactus napkins and this llama photo frame at the dollar store!

The llama adoption station was a bigger hit than I expected.

Again, small guest list, better favors!

The kids really loved filling their llama adoption certificates. These were found for free online.

Emmalee has not informed me if she joined a gang.

Filling their adoption certificates and naming their llama. They took it quite seriously.

Painting their mini pots for a mini cactus favor.

Making toys with Perler Beads.

No llamas where hurt in this party, not even the piñata llama.

My girls have the prettiest, cutest, sweetest grandma in the world. I feel jealous!

The respective cookie shot.

These two are the best friends!

Moms also wanted a picture with some treats. These meringues where the only ones that held their shape and texture throughout.

I love this picture.

And this lovely family God has given me.

Enjoying their new babies.

And their mini cactus.

Dear Kaylee,

Oh baby, I can't believe you are seven and by the time I am writing this seven and a half. But you are still my baby, I think you really enjoy that title. You almost got into a fight with your best friend Adri because she didn't want to let you be the baby while pretend playing. Oh the silly things you fight about. But what we most enjoy watching is how fast you forgive, make up, and keep playing. If only us adults could be more like you. You are my little math whiz. You really have a knack for it. You no longer struggle with reading and writing, but it is not your favorite subject. You are struggling to speak and read in Spanish. You and mommy share a few tears almost daily while doing Spanish, but I know we will get there together just like we did with your English. You are so amazing, my little bug. Mom will forever envy your limberness and flexibility. You enjoy your ballet class, take your piano class a little more serious, and still enjoy your little kids cartoons' as well as bigger kids' cartoons. You are one of the friendliest little girls I know. I haven't seen anyone being able to withstand your charm and attention. You give your friendship freely and tenderly to every kid you meet. Watching you socialize brings me so much joy to see all the goodness and kindness in you. You love playing with kids of all ages, but you feel more at home hanging with younger kids. You have a very maternal love to your treatment of others. I can't wait to read what I'll say about you in the coming years, and look back at these letters and see how much you changed and how much you stayed the same. Your personality and character has been pretty consistent through the years. We still struggle with your temper and your duck face when you're mad, but each year it is easier to get out of that mindset. You are still as loud and silly as ever. I wished I would have allowed your sister to be as loud and silly as I allowed you to be. I hope I never repress you or your sister again in being whoever you want to be. I am sorry for the times I bring your light down by making you behave more "ladylike". I know I must teach you proper manners, but at the same time I don't want to box either of you on what the world has deemed appropriate for girls. You have no idea of what "kicking like a girl" is. You and your sister do everything without feeling limitations. While you are quite the little daredevil, you took your time in learning to use the scooter or the bike without training wheels. But you don't let anyone put any pressure on you. I tried by telling you "your friends already took the training wheels off", but you where your own person not caring what others did or what mommy told you should be your expectations. Thank you for teaching me. You teach me to seize the moments, to laugh out loud without reservation, to enjoy being silly, to enjoy being friendly without fear, to jump at any moment, to dance at any moment, to imagine and smile. I'm just imaging doing all of the above and my heart jumps with joy. You are the joy of my life, my little jumping shrimp. Thank you for existing and being by my side.

Love you forever,

Mommy

Our days are numbered

2021-09-21T08:48:00.008-07:00

Life was normal up until September 14, 3;00 pm.

She was posting a funny picture of a mom sleeping in the edge of her bed because her boys had taken over all of the bed.

"I can't move," she captions it with many smiley faces.

Life would change so drastically in the upcoming minutes, hours, days.

She is breastfeeding her baby boy.

Her eldest comes in the room asking for his coloring book. He was always coloring and drawing.

As his teacher I knew this well. He would always ask me to make another picture in our virtual class, even after time had finished and I need to go to another class.

"I can stay with you for another class if you let me, Miss Linda," he would say not caring that my other class was for three year olds.

He really loved his classes. That comforts me. He wanted more. He tried correcting his English pronunciation and took pride on every little booklet I sent him that he learned to read by heart.

I keep his videos of him reading his booklets. I keep all of my students' videos and pictures.

Covid allowed me to teach kids in Panama. He was my Honduran.

He was a prolific reader. He would take classes with an older girl who was already in first grade. He would stay at her level and even read some words faster than her. You could see he would practice after class and took it very seriously.

I had a class with him that day. I had had a rough morning fighting with the girls with their schooling. Today had been an especially hard morning. Tears were shed. Screams were shouted. Hearts were heavy. I had a rehearsal later in the evening.

I write to his mom canceling our class. "We'll have it on Thursday just this week," I write. The other girl had left the class because of family problems. "Tell my boy we'll have our first class just the two of us!!!!" I write with many exclamation points. I knew he was going to be disappointed that I was canceling his beloved class, but that he would be happy to know we would be all alone, just he and I, in our next class.

He comes into the room a second time to ask for his coloring book.

"I think it is in the car," says his mom, "I'll go get it for you as soon as I'm done feeding your brother."

The San Pedro Sula sun is unrelenting at that time. The car sits in the street with no roof overhead and the heat being concentrated for many hours.

She doses off for a few minutes after breastfeeding. I know the feeling and reason quite well. How many times did it happen to me? I cannot recall.

She hears her husband screaming.

Her boy had gone to the car.

For how many minutes? We can only guess. It couldn't have been 15 minutes ago. It's all it took.

Her boy was passed out on the back car seat not breathing.

They get in the car to run to a nearby clinic. They live far away from the city. Their car breaks. They run to the neighbor for help, get on his car, and it also breaks. His Aunt runs to get her car and they get to a clinic. It was too late. He was gone.

I'm finishing my rehearsal. It was good rehearsal, and I stay back in the stage with the pianist singing some Whitney "There can be Miracles if You Believe." I see my phone has two missed calls and a message.

"I lost my baby, Miss Linda. I lost my Melvin."

I read it and a shiver goes through my spine. I call immediately up on the church stage.

I cannot believe the story I am hearing. I am sobbing uncontrollably.

My husband is looking at me scared from my face and tears. He understands what happened from what I am saying.

I cry for minutes until he finally tells me I need to move because they need to close the church.

"How could this happen? I could have prevented this. If only he had been in class with me! He would have been coloring and would have not been looking for that book." I say.

His mom has the same sentiments. "If only I had stopped breastfeeding and gone to the car to get his book. He had never done this. He would never even go to the backyard alone."

Heartbreak is a heavy pain to bear. On Wednesday, the pain was so intense I thought it was going to break me. If I am feeling this way, how is she feeling?

I keep repeating to myself "He is not dead. He is alive. I just can no longer see him but I will again," when the tears come to my eyes. My girls saw me cry too much last week. I can see it was causing my eldest anxiety. They don't know what happened. "Why are you crying?" they ask. "Something happened in Honduras, but don't worry," I say.

That same night I come home. I go to my girls room. I grab Emmalee and take her to Kaylee's bed. I get between them and hold them close. I cry and say "I'm sorry."

Ecclesiastes 7:2 It is better to go to a house of mourning

than to go to a house of feasting,
for death is the destiny of everyone;
the living should take this to heart.

I feel like I am writing a horror tale in this post. It is indeed a horror tale that a mom is enduring and living and carrying. How? I do not know.

We forget that our days are numbered. "If only" has no purpose in our vocabulary. There was nothing she or her could have done. It was his day. That day belongs to God alone.

Psalms 139:16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;

all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

Someone shared a story with the quote "It is not for you to understand why things happened. It is for you to learn how to live with them." I guess it is a good advice for someone like me always in pursuit of why.

I kept remembering what I wrote on Pastor Bob's memorial post: "He believed in what he lived, and he lived what he believed." Do I believe this child is with Jesus? Yes. Do I believe he is alive and well? Yes. Do I believe I'll see him again? Yes. Then I must live like someone with such hope and faith. But I also remember the words of my dear Diane: "Everything has it's time. You need to feel it all before you move forward. If you skip steps to be 'Christian-correct', you'll have to go back and will have to go back many times. Don't skip over the grief and pain and hurt."

I write this with the hope that this story makes you think of your own life. What are the useless feelings and emotions we waste our days with? What missed opportunities to love our children and loved ones fervently are we not taking? We MUST be preparing ourselves for our last day here because it IS coming. We never know when it will be the last of anything.

My sweet boy will be missed. My heart still aches at remembering him and his sweetness and joyfulness. He was such a happy boy on this earth. I tell his mom to take comfort on what a happy life he enjoyed by her side, even if the pain of losing him is so hard to endure.

Join me in praying for her. Her name is Eimy. Pray that she, her husband, baby, and family can endure this terrible passing. Pray their marriage can endure. Pray they don't blame themselves. Pray that the Lord may work miracles in the healing of their hearts. Pray that I may continue being close to her and that the Lord gives me wisdom and words to help her in this healing journey. Pray that they may all come to Jesus to share in the hope of seeing our little boy again.

Pastor Bob, Hope Profession PhD

2021-09-02T07:02:00.003-07:00

Our church will be celebrating Pastor Bob's life this Sunday, September 5th. You can tune in on our Youtube channel Crossroads Bible Church, 8 am in Spanish and 11 am in English.

For the past 4 years of my life I've had the wonderful privilege of sitting on Pastor Bob's Sunday school. You know what this Sunday school has meant to me and what it has done for my faith, for I have written Pastor Bob's name on my blog several times as you can read here, here, here, and here. My dearest Pastor Bob went to his eternal home last Tuesday, August 24, 2021 the very day he was celebrating his 59th wedding anniversary with his much beloved Mary.

Can a man depart from this earth having only positive things said about him from everyone that surrounded him? My Pastor Bob has proven you can. But what do these positive things being said about him do? Point to Jesus.

If I had to use only two words to describe Pastor Bob, I would use the words DUTY and LOVE.

Let's start with the first word, Duty.

I met Pastor Bob during a time when I was heavily struggling with my physical health still recovering from the blast of chemo and radio and all the surgeries that stripped my body from normal function. But, I was very comfortable letting all that be "justification" for my lack of service or my lack of character. Who can blame me? Who can ask more of me after all I had suffered? At first, my heart was hardened by the "no one understands me" thought that also comfortably allowed me to be cynical with others. And then I met Pastor Bob. Pastor Bob not only could understand me; he could rebuke me. And rebuke me he did. He had been living with cancer for the past 9 years when I met him. He knew all about the pain of chemo (constant chemo in his case), the pain of neuropathy (which in his case was so severe compared to mine that he described the sensation in his feet as walking on stumps.). He understood alright! And that gave me an instant connection to him. In those first years, he and Mary would check up on me constantly which made me feel so absolutely loved. There was something about both of them that just drew you in, something in their smile, in the way they talked to you, in the way they looked at you. My mentor Diane said it perfectly on our remembrance meeting last Sunday. She said, "Bob had the special ability of making you feel like you were his favorite... And then you realized he made everyone feel that too." It was exactly like I would have described it. I felt his favorite. And then I learned others felt that too, which was kind of heartbreaking, hehe. Can you imagine having that ability of making those who surround you feel like you are their favorite person? It was Pastor Bob's super power. When I started at church, I signed up for a Sunday school class in Spanish that was taught in the main hall. I liked it, but it wasn't what I was looking for. There was this one time when I had just started serving in the music ministry that I was feeling very sleepy, and I wanted to take a nap between church meetings (which is when Sunday school takes place.) I found a dark corner in a room next to the main hall, and there I heard it for the first time: Pastor Bob's Sunday school. My dear Diane, who I still didn't know closely, was attending it, which drew my attention further because I also wanted to find a way to get close to her. Everyone was participating and talking, which didn't happen in my other class. I knew in my heart that was the place for me to be. It had been a long time since I had desired Biblical instruction and had received it more in the obligated sense. I longed for my Sunday school classes where Pastor Bob would break down verse by verse of the book we were reading and sometimes only cover 5 verses per class. And there I learned about his duty, which he made it clear was my duty. Pastor Bob didn't believe in wasting your time, wasting your emotions, wasting your resources. "Your duty is to the Kingdom, to God, and the gospel," he would teach. He certainly had lived that way during his entire life as a missionary to various tribes in Panama and in his service as main pastor to our church. But his duty had not ended with cancer or a "more mature age". He kept on his work with "Juntos Podemos Curundu" which he presided over. He kept on his small group and his Sunday school. Very few understood what his health struggles were because he never once showed them, complained about them, or allowed that to stop him from his duty of living everyday for Christ. But I knew. I knew the chronic pain he must have endured for almost a decade. I knew the fatigue of chemo, the impotence of a body that you no longer count on or know, the stubbornness of wanting to be normal when your body is broken. Pastor Bob was nicknamed "Bob the builder" rightfully so, but his family would have wanted him to stop his building prowess for the sake of his body. Watching his unbreakable peace, undeniable joy, and his unrelenting trust in his Savior were a constant slap in my faith to "snap out of it."

Hebrews 10:23 Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise.

Pastor Bob certainly lived this verse. My struggles were all that were before me back then. Pastor Bob would call me over and over again to put Jesus before me. And if I was complacent in my sin because "I'm in pain", Pastor Bob would not let that slide. He would call me to fulfill the duty I was called on to do: live as for the Lord.

1 Corinthians 13 1If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. 3 If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it;[a] but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.

This chapter in the Word is very well-known. The love chapter. But I feel it perfectly described my dearest Pastor Bob too. Here are other things said about him during our remembrance meeting last Sunday: "Bob was a rescuer. He lived what he believed, and believed in what he lived. He loved to be a fisherman, but was also a fisher of man. A chocolate lover." That last one made me happy, because he once told me my chocolate cake was his favorite chocolate cake in the world. I'll be making that cake for my birthday celebration this weekend. Some tears will most certainly fall after making it, for I always sought to save a piece for my dear Pastor Bob. "My doctor says I shouldn't eat that, but your cake really tempts me," is what he said the last time I brought a piece to our Sunday school for him. I knew what that meant. This was pre-pandemic. Bob's love for people was very on the nose. He couldn't hide it. My dear Tia Mercedes would tell me stories of discussions she would have with Bob about Juntos Podemos. "He needs to be tougher," she would say, "but he loves too much." Tia Mercedes would never miss a day of Sunday school and would make me accountable if I missed it. The Lord certainly has surrounded me with the most amazing people that I needed to be surrounded by. I wish I would have taken up my tia´s invitation to go to Bob's small group. I missed the past two months of Bob's Sunday school because I had volunteered to serve in the kid's combined Sunday school for those months. I had felt in my heart my time was running out and asked Miss Zuly if I could miss my last day of combined Sunday school to be on Bob's class. That class was taught by Selwyn, Diane's husband. I had indeed missed my chance. I thought I had more time. I really did. Bob made you believe it. Even to the end, he wouldn't let out how bad it was and what it meant that he kept on teaching us. I take solace that the last months we had been recording the Sunday school, and I can still watch him. I wished I had had more years with him like most of our Sunday class did. I got four years. I could have had 30 years, and it would not have been enough. I love Pastor Bob and his wife Mary with all my heart. Please pray for Mary. I can't fathom what it's like to lose my life's partner of 59 years. Pray for her health that has also been in decline the past two years. I am overjoyed to know Bob is finally home pain-free, cancer-free, with his new body ready to build again.

I titled this post: Pastor Bob, Hope Profession PhD because I think that is what Bob's profession was: hope. I had lived without hope after cancer for a long time. Bob showed me it was possible to live with cancer and have a PhD in hope. He lived what he believed indeed! Here are more verse that describe how Pastor Bob lived:

Romans 5 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Romans 15 13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Romans 8 24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

18 Proverbs 23 17 For surely there is a hereafter,
And your hope will not be cut off.

Romans 12 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Pictures by @ruthysworld

Selwyn ended our meeting with this verse and I want to end on it too:

Revelations 1 1 The revelation from Jesus Christ, which God gave him to show his servants what must soon take place. He made it known by sending his angel to his servant John, 2 who testifies to everything he saw—that is, the word of God and the testimony of Jesus Christ. 3 Blessed is the one who reads aloud the words of this prophecy, and blessed are those who hear it and take to heart what is written in it, because the time is near.

Can you prevent a suicide?

2021-07-08T08:23:00.006-07:00

Wow! That is one heavy question to begin a post with.

One that I have been pondering about for many years and which plagued my mind last night. You see, I have a friend who converted a cargo van into a camper van and has been sharing her family vacations this summer on Instagram. I started daydreaming of one day doing my own van conversion, and I’ve been binge watching van conversion videos and tours on Youtube. Van life seems so perfect: low cost of living, life on the road, freedom to travel. Vanlifers seemed to have it all. I was watching a couple who had done several iterations of their van conversions making sure to add space for guests because their female friend had joined them before and slept on the floor. Their new van even included a bed for her, and she even appeared on the video showing off the new guest bed. I saw some videos where the three of them lived in the van because most vanlifers don’t have kids. My dream van would have to accommodate more than two. I watched with wonderment how easy they made it look being crammed in that small space with a tiny compartment composting toilet. They seemed to get along well, and their videos were endearing. And then on the side videos was a small thumbnail with the title “For Lee”. Lee was this female guest. She had a channel of her own documenting her own female solo van build. On March 26, 2021 Lee Macmillan took her own life.

I was dazed. How could this have happened? She was 28, young, beautiful, perfect body, perfect smile, seemed to have amazing friends and family, amazing life plans. To me, she had it all. I wasn’t expecting to have my innocent van conversion binging confront me with this post’s question. The video “For Lee” had a warning at the beginning of the video explaining the subject covered and warning against triggers. It is no secret to anyone who has read my blog before that I am one of those people triggered.

The way some were perceiving Lee’s story made me mad. The first thing that comes to mind to many when they hear about suicide is “How could she have been so selfish? Why didn’t she seek help?” Well, Lee had been very vocal and candid about her struggle with mental health, anxiety, and depression. I’ve written about PastorAndrew Stoecklin in this blog before. I also followed the story of Pastor Jarrid Wilson, who not only was open about his depression and mental health struggles but ran an outreach group he founded called “Anthem of Hope” to help others like him struggling with depression and anxiety. Jarrid fought to end the stigma on opening up about your thoughts and show how dangerous depression is. His struggle was so intense that he took his life a day before World Suicide Prevention Day. This was his last message on Twitter:

“Loving Jesus doesn’t always cure suicidal thoughts. Loving Jesus doesn’t always cure depression. Loving Jesus doesn’t always cure PTSD. Loving Jesus doesn’t always cure anxiety. But that doesn’t mean Jesus doesn’t offer us companionship and comfort. He ALWAYS does that.” I know many, many Christians who would disagree with Jarrid’s post.

All three: Lee, Andrew, and Jarrid had sought professional and pharmaceutical help, had opened up not only to close ones about their thoughts but also to their huge online following, and depression still ended their lives. If you think this was done out of selfishness, please let me know so that I can take you out of my life.

I have opened up in person and online about my depression. After Pastor Andrew’s death I even took his wife’s advice that “If anyone even mentions the word suicide, you take it seriously.” She never thought her husband would take his life having all the support he had and raising three small boys. I went straight to my husband and said, “I need you to take it seriously if I ever say the word suicide.” It is only after the matter that people take it seriously. This was a sentiment expressed by many “For Lee’ videos.

Back in October 2020, I told my friend Jackie that my depression was getting out of hand. She knew we had also been struggling financially so she offered to give me a stipend of $100 every month so I could afford my antidepressants. I was shocked someone would take my struggle so seriously to be willing to invest in my mental health. Jackie footed that bill for four months. When my mom found employment in February, she took over my antidepressant bill. I was able to begin my weaning process in April and finished the long process in June 2021, just last month.

My struggles with depression have been well documented on this blog, as was my struggle with breast cancer. My cancer posts have more than 3,000 views. My depression posts get at the most 100. Yet, 100 people read my last post. How many who of those 100 who read that weaning off my antidepressants caused me suicide thoughts do you think reached out to me to see if I am doing better? Yup, you probably guessed it! Zero. Most who read this blog know me personally or know me online. Most who do read such heavy posts are close friends and family. None have reached out to ask if I am still having these thoughts. I don’t blame you. We don’t know how to address these issues. My husband struggles especially because he hasn’t personally experienced depression. He says he doesn’t know what to say or do. One time I scolded him and said, “If you don’t know, read! Pick up a book and learn. You don’t have to know it all, but you can be better prepared and be more knowledgeable on what to say or do.” He took me up on that advice and began reading about PTSD, chronic fatigue syndrome, hypothyroidism, neuropathy, and depression and anxiety, all of which his lovely wife of 35 years old suffers from. You probably didn’t reach out because you think my close friends and family are already on it. This should be the case, and I am happy to report it is my case. This is not always the case. Make sure. Heard someone talk about suicide? Take it seriously. Serious enough to show up at their home. Serious enough to give them a call not just a text. Serious enough to inquire about the professional help they’re seeking and if there isn’t any, making sure they get it and helping them out to get it.

Lee’s ex boyfriend’s video was especially hard to watch. He mentions that he knew Lee had been cyberbullied and that the hate comments about their split were affecting her. He says he regrets not stepping up to stop the trolls and to make sure Lee was ok. He ends his video saying how he has to live with the regret that he knows he could have done more to try to save her life. Don’t let this be your story. Lee’s friends and family have been doing a wonderful job at creating awareness with the hashtag #speakUpForLee. I hope this post was not a trigger for anyone. If you are having suicidal thoughts, please know you are not alone. You are not alone in the struggle, you are not alone in having these thoughts, and you are not alone in this life. I’ve had friends call me from miles away in the brink of breaking, and I have been able to be there with them even if through an electronic device. This can be the difference between life and death.

Covid has made the suicide problem much worse. Kids are needing psychiatric help much younger. Social distancing is harder for others that rely on social interaction for stability. Reach out now more than ever. If anyone came to mind while reading this post, check up on them today!

Here are some numbers for help I found in Honduras and Panama.

Honduras:

Telefono Esperanza

0558 08 08 / 150 (Admón 2232-2707)

Panama:

líneas de apoyo:

✅Línea de apoyo psicológico: 169.

✅Instituto Nacional de Salud Mental: 512-6800.

✅911.

I am happy to report my suicide thoughts from my chemical imbalance due to the weaning process are gone. I am back to reading my Bible every day, doing yoga once or twice a day, going to bed at decent hours and waking up early, taking the girls to the park more often, and making plans for the future. That is pretty much my good mental health state!

Here are some pics of my devotional verses. Taking the time each morning to write them down has been a huge help in getting my mind into the right thoughts (duh! my mind on th Word is best) and releasing any bad energies by simply doing a little art.

Deliverance from Death

2021-06-02T11:01:00.001-07:00

I am not one to read the Bible where it opened. I'm systematic. I know what I am reading, or I know what I want to read when I want to read something other than what I am systematically reading. But today I read my Bible where it opened. I don't like being the superstitious kind that thinks everything is a sign and when things align it's "God talking to me." But I guess this kind of thinking is prideful and closing me up to look beyond what the eye can see. After reading my friend Diane's book God in the Meantime, I am trying to seek more God's voice like she often did. And I have to say, today I heard His voice so loudly I want to share it with you.

My Bible opened to Psalm 116. As a systematic reader that often reads something in the Old Testament and something in the New with some Proverbs and Psalms sprinkled in there most days, I have read Psalms many times in my lifetime. I often overlook them as profound chapters until I study how many times Jesus and other men in the Bible quotes them. After today's reading, I have to take a closer look at Psalms. Before I go into the Psalm, let me tell you what's been going on with me.

I have shared how I am taking antidepressants because I suffer from clinical depression. Clinical depression, which has a very physical component due to chemical imbalances in my brain exacerbated by normal everyday problems, is a mental and emotional disorder that is a recognized illness and takes just as many lives as cancer does. This has been the longest I've been on antidepressants taking them since October of last year. I usually take antidepressants when my depression is getting into the "heightened desire or thoughts of suicide" stage that you always hear on antidepressant medication commercials. I always wait until it gets really bad before I seek medical and pharmaceutical help. I've been fighting the stigma on my disease by being timelier in getting the help I need so that I don't let things go too far. But! I don't let myself be on the medication for too long for fear of creating dependency. And so, I am weaning off my antidepressant. I've been steadily feeling better and getting a better grip on my mental and emotional health, so I felt the time to go off the meds was now. The problem with this is that weaning off of these types of medication is dangerous and hard. The doctors warn you that weaning off of them will bring about suicidal thoughts. "This seems crazy. How can me not taking a medication make me think of killing myself?" Well, they're not lying. It's insane. The thoughts come out of nowhere and for absolutely no reason. This begs the question: Should I wean myself from them? Let's answer that question after going into the Psalms. The Psalms was titled "Thanksgiving for Deliverance from Death."

Psalm 116

Verse 1 and 2:

I love the Lord, because He has heard
My voice and my supplications.
2 Because He has inclined His ear to me,
Therefore I will call upon Him as long as I live.

This first verse gripped my attention. It doesn't say "He answered my supplications. He gave me what I asked." It says, "He heard me," and this was reason enough for the psalmist to decide to call upon Him as long as he lived. I wrote in my previous post how unanswered prayer has really tested my faith. And here the psalmist is telling me he loves Him for the mere fact that He listens to his supplications...

Verse 6 - 9:

The Lord preserves the simple;
I was brought low, and He saved me.
7 Return to your rest, O my soul,
For the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.

For You have delivered my soul from death,
My eyes from tears,
And my feet from falling.
9 I will walk before the Lord.

I often battle with my feelings about my cancer because I wish it had never happened and I am eternally grateful it did. It changed me. It brought me low, real low. My friends laugh when I share with them, I am a "reformed pharisee", but I am. I grew up in a church that created division and classes according to "maturity" and "sanctity." It looked down on the "lukewarm Christians" and I was taught to be and act this way. I wondered what the Bible commentary on "simple" had to say.

“The simple; sincere and plain-hearted persons, who dare not use those frauds and crafty and wicked artifices in saving themselves or destroying their enemies but wait upon God with honest hearts in his way and for his time of deliverance. Such persons he calls simple or foolish, as this word is commonly rendered, not because they are really so, but because the world esteems them so.” (Poole)

“Not only is God gracious, but he is also gracious to the little people, to the plain, to commoners, to the everyday person on the bus or in the shop – to people like the psalmist. That is one of the great glories of our God. When Jesus called his disciples, he called fishermen and tax collectors. When the angels announced the birth of Jesus, they appeared to shepherds.” (Boice)

When I consider Jesus, He would have sat with the other group in my church and not with the "mature group" I belonged to. Cancer stripped me of any pride about myself, about my body, about my mental capacities, about my Christian maturity, about my youth or physical abilities. It broke me completely where I could not depend on anything I could do and solely cry out to the Lord in my need with absolutely nowhere else to go. Do you know what a gift that is? As I got better and better, I tried with all my might to hold on to that feeling and total dependance, but my humanity came back!

The psalmist was delivered from death. I was delivered from death. If you have been here, you know I struggle with survivor's guilt. "Of course, he can sing to the Lord! He was spared. But what about the others?" is usually my first thought. Let's see what the psalm keeps saying:

Verse 12 and 13:

12 What shall I render to the Lord
For all His benefits toward me?
13 I will take up the cup of salvation,

And call upon the name of the Lord.

Pastor Bob said something that has been replaying over and over in my head these past weeks of weaning: "Jesus paid it all for us. There is nothing that can take our Salvation away from us. We are saved. We have the gift of eternal life. With that alone, we should live the most joyful lives ever. We have nothing to worry about anymore ever again!" I believe this is what it means to "take up the cup of salvation." What else can I do for all the benefits God has bestowed upon me than to live in gratitude!

Verse 15:

15 Precious in the sight of the Lord

Is the death of His saints.

I thought long and hard on this verse. How had I not studied it before? What does it mean? I prayed God to speak to me like I haven't in a long time. "He loves my children far more than I could ever love them," is one of the most comforting thoughts I have when I consider the lives of my girls don't rest solely on what I do. He is at work in their lives far beyond than I. If they were to die, it would hurt Him more than it would hurt me. God's saints (His children adopted through the blood of Jesus Christ) are precious to Him. Here the psalmist recognizes he was spared from death, but knows death is a reality to many of God's saints. Their death doesn’t go over God's head. He knows. He is there. He holds them. This is why I have been learning to stop "putting things in perspective." You often do this when you want to lessen your feelings about something. "I am in chronic pain but at least I am not a quadriplegic." "I lost my job due to Covid but at least I haven't lost a loved one." Putting things in perspective to lessen your pain doesn't work and only hurts. They come from lies from Satan. For me, the lies were "How could you be spared, and Kara Tippets wasn't?" And these lies become worse when you try to view your personal relationship with God from what happens to others. This is often the case I see in those who profess to be atheist. "How can you say God is loving with all the hurt, killing, illness, poverty, and injustice you see around the world?" These atheists usually come from a good background and have not personally experienced what they profess to be the reasons not to believe in God. And the people who have actually experienced them are usually the first to cry out and cling to God. It goes back to the point of being simple. I can only view God from His personal dealing with me, and His personally dealing with me was deliverance. And to those that wasn't, precious is to Him. I will only know how precious is to Him when I myself walk through the doorstep of death and feel His love and comfort and being held in that moment by Him. This takes me back to the time I was on my cancer treatment, and I suffered from unshakable joy and trust and faith. I'm telling you the best thing that ever happened to me!

I am weaning off my meds. I was having the most wonderful girls' night with the best friends the body of Christ could have gifted me with here in Panama, Jackie and Tita, and I couldn't stop knitting while sharing with them the Friends' Reunion because I was scared that if I stopped knitting anxiety would take over me. Anxiety that I am experiencing for the mere fact of weaning. I was having the most wonderful family trip eating at a lovely seaside restaurant and thoughts of "you should kill yourself" came to my mind for the mere fact of weaning. It's insane. The difference between me before treatment and me now is that before I would desire these thoughts and fully embrace them. Now, I strike them back with the words of Pastor Bob; I take up the cup of salvation. I fully reject those thoughts! And, slowly the thoughts come less and less, and I open my Bible more and more!

I accept my deliverance from death and praise God for it instead of questioning Him on why me.

I open my eyes to see how bountifully the Lord has dealt with me.

We found this wild beach close to the San Lorenzo fort in Colon. It was such a great trip with mom out for the first time since her surgery last October.

Family pic at the fort!

My mom was finally able to walk since breaking her pinkie toe three months ago!

Friends Reunion girls' night with Tita and Jackie. We loved having Francia over too!

Second trip to Colon!

I love this man!

Alyla, as my daughters call my mom, is so happy to come with us again. Emmalee said she had been waiting for family trips to come back and spent the night telling her grandparents in Honduras every detail of the trip.

Finally went to the Canal expansion visitor center!

He had been waiting long to finally visit. He was the happiest!

Oh, how bountiful the Lord is with me!

Is Your Faith Shattered from Unanswered Prayer?

2021-05-02T11:44:00.000-07:00

I would be lying if I said my faith hasn't been tested from time to time to the point of almost shattering. Curiously though, when I was sick I had no faith issues. I remember being in the hallway waiting to see the doctor with my carcinoma positive test on my hand about to hear what my fate was going to be. I got a call from my sister who was in great distress over my positive result. "I'm going to be OK. This has not escaped My Father's control. Be confident and do not be afraid." A lady was listening to my conversation because even though my words were calm, sweet, and encouraging to my sister miles away fearing for her sister's life, streams of tears were flowing down my cheeks. She came over and said how stunned she was by my words even though she could see that I was in pain. This continued pretty much during my whole time in chemo and surgeries. I was the one comforting family and friends at the hospital on every surgery and at the doctor's appointments.

It was easy to have faith. It was the only choice I had. My mortality was so real that my faith in an immortal God was my only hope. I turned to Him in great hope because it was the only hope I had. If I was to die at the age of 30, at least there was something more waiting for me.

After a year of treatment when all the dust settled, doubt and anxiety took over. Why? C.S. Lewis explains it best in his book "The Problem of Pain"

“At first I am overwhelmed, and all my little happinesses look like broken toys. Then, slowly and reluctantly, bit by bit, I try to bring myself into the frame of mind that I should be in at all times. I remind myself that all these toys were never intended to possess my heart, that my true good is in another world and my only real treasure is Christ. And perhaps, by God's grace, I succeed, and for a day or two become a creature consciously dependent on God and drawing its strength from the right sources. But the moment the threat is withdrawn, my whole nature leaps back to the toys: I am even anxious, God forgive me, to banish from my mind the only thing that supported me under the threat because it is now associated with the misery of those few days. Thus the terrible necessity of tribulation is only too clear. God has had me for but forty-eight hours and then only by dint of taking everything else away from me. Let Him but sheathe that sword for a moment and I behave like a puppy when the hated bath is over--I shake myself dry as I can and race off to reacquire my comfortable dirtiness, if not in the nearest manure heap, at least in the nearest flower bed."

This quote especifically "I am even anxious, God forgive me, to banish from my mind the only thing that supported me under the threat because it is now associated with the misery of those few days" hits hard. I spent so much time in prayer asking for Kinsley to be spared from her cancer while my chances were looking better and hers were looking grimmer that afterward prayer triggered my PTSD hard.

I expressed my unbelief to my Bible study group in tears last Sunday. I told them how a brother from my church in Honduras was in the hospital for Covid and how the church asked us to join them in prayer. I had seen so many people in his situation die of Covid in spite of thousand prayers that I did not pray. I didn't want to. He died anyways. My faith had been shattered. I told them how I knew that the power of my prayers was not in me saying the prayer but on the One I pray to. Yet my heart was struggling. It had been struggling since I saw many friends lose a mom or dad, or when I lost a friend in his early 30s about to get married. A brother in my Bible study group recently lost his wife to cancer. He wrote the pastor concerning my comments and struggles. "What would happen if God answered all our prayers for healing? We would have thousands of new believers. We would have thousands of prayer requests." Faith would be dependent on what God can do for us, not on Who God is. Pastor Bob followed this with "Faith has to have an object of our belief. Our faith is not on what He can do for us. It is faith in what He already did for us. Faith is in Who He is and what He has planned for us, which is our hope."

Pastor Bob said that someone once suggested that if you were struggling to know Who God is you should read the book of Colossians. (That is definitely on my TO DO list next. I've read it plenty of times before, but I want to read it again to see what Pastor Bob meant.) Focusing on the person instead of the actions is what keeps marriages and relationships alive and well. If you focus on what they do instead of who they are, it is easy to stop loving them, especially when you feel they have failed you. Today, in our very first church meeting since Covid hit 59 weeks ago, we were singing a song that said "He is my confidence for great is His faithfulness, and He has never failed me yet." A thought pops into my hand: "He didn't fail you. You were spared and you survived." But I would lie if I didn't say the thought that He did fail the others I prayed for that weren't spared.

My favorite songwritter in the world, Jon Foreman, recently wrote a song called "Jesus, I have my doubts." Everyone in our fan Facebook group was posting that it meant he had abandoned his faith. Expressing your unbelief is a bit of taboo on our Christian circles. I wish it wasn't because how are you going to get support with your struggles and the lies Satan is feeding you if you don't open up about them? Opening up my bottled up struggles with faith have done so much in helping me get out of the valley of unbelief and take me closer to the mountain of confidence.

After voicing these thoughts to my Bible study group, we read these verses together:

Hebrew 4

14 Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. 15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. 16 Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

Isn't it refreshing that God tells us He understands us because He walked in our shoes? We can approach confidently in our time of need, which includes our times of unbelief. How else will I return to a state of belief otherwise?

Hebrews 10
19 Therefore, brothers and sisters, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, 20 by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, 21 and since we have a great priest over the house of God, 22 let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. 23 Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. 24 And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, 25 not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

People leave the church because they no longer believe. They never spoke of this and never got the proper encouragement. His great faithfulness is not in Him giving us all we ask. It's in Him always being by our side, even when we move far from Him. He is faithful even when we hurt Him. He has never failed a single one of His children!

Hebrews 10

35 So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.
36 You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised. 37 For,
“In just a little while,
He Who is coming will come
and will not delay.”
38 And,
“But my righteous one will live by faith.
And I take no pleasure
in the one who shrinks back.”
39 But we do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved.

It's not just trust. It's CONFIDENT trust. It says DO NOT THROW AWAY! How will my thoughts be corrected if I do not seek for the truths in His Word? But when a person is struggling with his or her faith, he or she need the body to encourage them. I was directed to put my eyes away from the pain and death and back to Jesus. My heart was encouraged. My mind was filled with Scripture. My faith was strengthened. The lies were brought to the light.

Do not shrink back and be destroyed. The richly reward is Jesus. Do not miss out on Jesus because you have been silent about your strugges with faith.

Open up and let the enemy be pushed back.

Do not leave the church.

He is our great reward, the only reward!

Dear Father,

Thank you, Lord, for my study group. Thank you for the truth they brought to my heart. Thank you that they encouraged me to pray always when someone asks for prayer. They told me that I may not see the healing I was praying for, but I don't what my prayers do to prepare the person who is about to depart or to comfort the bereft. I don't know what praying does, but it's never in vain. It is never in vain turning to Him. Thank you for spurring me to be in the group of those who hold unservingly to the hope we profess and belong to the those who do not shrink back. Thank you for letting me know you are not unaware of my weakness, and you understand me. Help me trust and see and hear you.

Amen

Emmalee and Kaylee's Carnival Birthday Party

2021-02-05T08:00:00.017-08:00

So, we decided to brave a birthday party during COVID-19. Before you get upset with me, we are three families who decided to be in each other's bubble, and we celebrate only amongst us. We have done two birthday parties from the other families and a Christmas get-together. We felt safe to get together, but we had to follow regulations as to the number of people inside the house, so we did only moms and kids. I gotta say, planning a party having only six kids in mind is pretty awesome.

I had several decorations and plans made, but it all got downsized by 75%, but I enjoyed the party so much more. Small space to decorate and clean, only six kids to feed and entertain! I loved it! I don't mind it one bit. The initial idea was to invite 20 something kids like we had on Emmalee's Pirate Party. I had made favor boxes and favor pinwheels for 25 children. The plan was to have it set up as a real carnival, with game stations the kids could go play on their own and redeem tickets according to how well they did. I was gonna give each parent a page where they would keep their kid's score and redeem the tickets while teaching their kids honesty because they could have written whatever they wanted. I had even started making cardboard booths for each station and had already made three. These all ended up in the garbage after months of holding onto them and my husband losing his mind seeing them in the house taking up space. I made a doll-sized ticket booth to hold the tickets because I would not have my life-size ticket booth. I had to eliminate many of the games because space would not allow for more, and noise would be an issue in an apartment building filled with quarantined people. I had to let go of the stations idea and do one game at a time with the kids making a line for each game. Again, the six-kid limit came very handy.

Because we had done Kaylee's birthday with no kids and it had been almost six months of the girls not seeing their friends or doing things with them, we had to sell the party to the girls as a co-party. While it was closer to Emmalee's birthday, we were doing Kaylee`s chosen theme. They did not mind and got onboard with whatever mom said with no complaining and much gratitude in their hearts and faces. I tried to keep it as Carnival themed as possible.

I hope the carnival theme is obvious.

I loved making these pinwheel cookies. A mom posted a nice tutorial online that was surprisingly easy to follow and the result was just perfect for me.

I did not expect the cake to turn out like this. I had zero ambitions or expectations with it. I just colored some frosting inside folded baking sheets and went for it. I made the roller coaster first and as I went on, I just kept adding and adding. I loved the childish look it has in colors, design, and texture.

Here is a peek-a-boo of the roller coaster in the back of the cake.

I specially loved the cute horses.

They tell you food color gets darker with a little time, but I am always amazed when the red food coloring actually starts looking red.

This is another view of the roller coaster. I didn't get a single picture of it completely, so no picture of the riding cars.

My piping handwriting is getting better. The girls were clear it was a party for them both.

You can see an "E" and "K" cookie beside the cake as the only nod to their names.

I really loved the circus-style font.

Keeping those boxes and the roof of the carousel favour boxes was realy, really hard. The roof has even some water damage.

The hubs picked those popcorn boxes for me to print because he said they matched the girls' personalities. I agree.

I really enjoyed the different carnival themed digital paper I was able to download. The pinwheels are made with a pencil that the kids can repurpose.

The ice cream truck from Emmalee's doughnut party made a reappearance, but it was so on theme.

I was considering making the theme more like a county fair, but I couldn't push that more. Those mini baskets filled with gummy berries was the only thing that survived that idea. I also loved the mini pinwheels decorating the soda bottles.

At least one of my girls will pose for me!

Can you believe I've been saving that plastic tablecloth since Kaylee's Bunny birthday?! It's plastic! You gotta make it count.

Here is full view of our little party setting.

I had these banners that Aunt Lilly salvage from her preschool days that I used on Emmalee´s Pirate party. I wasn't expecting them to look so well, but they really pushed the carnival theme.

First time putting place mats. I wish I had taken better pictures of the mini paper amusement park. I´ll share the videos of us using them as a doll amusement park in the bottom.

Toss game!

Not the prize booth I had envisioned, but, considering I had nothing made and Aunt Lilly surprised me with this improvised masterpiece, I was ecstatic.

They said they were the horses on the cake's carrousel.

Easiest and funniest photo booth ever.

Got creative with the rails using tinfoil.

The roller coaster cart is a simple trifold cardboard kids use in science fairs.

There are no chairs there. The parents are squatting as best as they can.

Of course we had to have hotdogs. What is more carnival than that?

Our first game was a kinetic carrousel made with paper and thread. You can find the template here and see it spin here.

I really wish I had made more of those pinwheel cookies and not just exactly six for six kids. They were so good, they left no leftovers for moms.

Someone was excited to trade her tickets for prizes.

Our little Adri was the only one who was able to get the arrow to stick to the target. The boys were especially challenged because she did it twice.

Santi kept practicing even after the games were over.

The fishes had numbers underneath to determine the number of tickets each fish was worth. Adri also got the special one.

I love that their age difference has no meaning in their friendship, and they are pretty much inseparable every time they see each other.

We made good use of our DIY foosball table.

I was surprised how well all the kids were able to use stilts for the first time.

For pics with our lovely Lyla (grandma) we had to use our masks!

While the party was a co-party, I did do a Dear Kaylee and birthday interview for her on her Covid party. Here are Emmalee`s letter and Interview.

Emmalee Birthday Interview Age 8.

Here we go.

1. What is something mommy always says to you?To do the three things (make her bed, brush her teeth, shower)

2. What makes you happy? Um, when you brings to the park or give us many toys or make us our parties and you be kind to us.

3. What makes you sad? When we want to go out and it's a rainy day and going to the park and our friend comes and we can't play with them because our mom said not to be close to other kids.

4. What makes you laugh? Kaylee doing funny faces. When daddy talks funny and makes funny faces and sometimes I make fun of him. Now that Kaylee laughs of and daddy gets angry. (Kaylee cut in: and then I call him a baboon).

5. How old are you? 8 and I'm about to be nine, or it's the year I`ll be nine.

6. How old is Mommy? Mommy is 34.

7. How old is Daddy? 33

8. What is your favorite thing to do? Play with you and I love playing video games and play and um.... spending time with my parents.

9. Who is your best friend? Xavi and Santi because they invite us to do things and go to their house.

10. What do you want to be when you grow up? A Karate girl.

11. What are you really good at? Helping my sister.

12. What are you not very good at? mmmmmm....... I'm not very good at obeying my parents.

13. What did you do today? I went to the park and did my school.

14. What is your favorite food? My favorite food is mandarine, lasagna, and spaghetti white (Alfredo Fetuccine).

15. What is your favorite song? mmmmm.....Chandelier and She Wolf by Sia. I sing those a lot in Smule.

16. What do you want for your birthday this year? A remote controlled car.

17. What is your favorite animal? Cheetah and wolf

18. What is love? Love is a good thing you do to others and say it with kindness.

19. What does daddy do for work? Daddy teaches his class.

20. What does mommy do for work? She does everything. She usually does everything in the house like teaching us, doing our food, teaching her computer students.

21. Where do you live? I live in... what is it called again? PH Genesis Plaza Camino Real de Bethania?

22. Where is your favorite place to go? Picnic, the restaurant you have to pay $15 and has many games and video games!

Dear Emmalee,

I can't believe it's been eight years since I carried you inside me. Today you came to my room to scold me because many hours of the day had passed and I had not given you a morning hug. You jumped from the bed and landed on my arms. I held you in my arms with your legs wrapped around my waist. You are still small enough for me to carry you, small enough to fit you almost completely between my arms. I asked you to stop growing. I don't know why I was feeling so emotional last night. You came to give me a good night hug and tears began flowing from my eyes. I felt compelled to tell you how much you mean to me and how much I thank the Lord for the privilege of being your mom. You make me so exceedingly happy. I am still amazed by your intelligence. Mom dropped the ball a bit in your Spanish education, but you just picked it up so quickly. You are reading and speaking so well in Spanish. I can't believe I raised you two so immersed into English that Spanish is actually your second language. It saddens me that the opportunities to grow and practice your Spanish have been cut so short from your inability to talk to your friends in the swim team and the gymnastics team. I am so sorry I can't let you play with other kids at the park, even when your heart is aching and breaking to do so. I don't know what the Lord is preparing you for during this time of the pandemic, but I trust Him that He knows what He has for you, my little warrior. You and your sister are the warriors for His Kingdom I will leave in this earth. You have started to ask me to teach you how to read your Bible and study it. It fills my heart. You have a Bible camp coming up, and you just can't wait for it. I love your heart opened to hearing your Lord's voice. I love how you are tough on your daddy. You always make sure he looks his best. I love to see you bully him (the sweet kind of bullying). You laugh with your whole body sometimes even bending over because you can't contain it. You still hum or sing songs when you think no one is watching you or when you are doing the mundane things like brushing your teeth or getting dressed. The sound of you and your sister's voice is the best sound in the world to me. I always smile when I catch any of you singing. The pandemic has hit you harder than your sister, but you both have made good use of your imagination to make the best of what you have. You got that from your mother, baby! You’ve become quite the party planner. You made games and even prizes and written instructions for moms birthday. You even directed your sister into making the decorations. Even though this Christmas was so different and closed up, you had prepared makeovers for us and a fun movie night. We watched the new Croods movie. Of course, your sister and you made us watch it a few more times afterwards. I love how you get into "big kids" movies now. You remind me of myself. I would also watch The Sandlot and The Karate Kid and fantasize of being "one of the boys." We even watched The Little Rascals and The Goonies, all of mom and dad's favorites. The best thing about you getting bigger is that the number of things we share only grows. Last time you made pancakes for the family almost all by yourself. I want to teach you how to code, bake, sow, paint, build! And I want to see you far surpass me and even become my teacher. I want to make more singing videos together playing the piano and the guitar. I'll make sure not to drop the ball on that because I haven't been to consistent with that. I love you, my little sweet girl. You and your sister asked for new hair cuts. You look so much like I did at your age. We have these face covers with some round eyeglasses, and daddy swears it's like looking at my old pics. Mom wore glasses since she was 4. I praise the Lord for having guard you and your sister from needing to go to the doctor for the entirety of the pandemic. Not a accident or even flu. You struggle with allergies like I did, but at least mom has the experience to battle it. You are the one that worries the most about mom. You don’t like hearing the word “cancer” on the tv or movies or watching anything where the parent dies from a disease. Disney does you no favors in that department. But mom’s last cancerversary meant so much, probably as much as it meant for me. Mommy finally feels like a cancer survivo, and you felt that change. I am so sorry I’ve been a source of worry for you. We’ve had to work together to avoid you getting your mom’s bad habit of nail biting. You worry for anyone in need or trouble and celebrate as earnestly as possible when anyone has a victory. Your heart just loves so earnestly with no reserve. I pray that part of you never changes. Keep teaching me kindness and love, my sweet child of mine.

love,

Mom

Here are the videos of our doll amusement park!

Kaylee's Birthday in COVID

2021-02-02T20:41:00.008-08:00

So, I wrote this back in May 2020, but forgot to post it, so here it is on February 2021, a few months before she turns 7 XD

Writing this post pains me so much. My house is still filled with all the DIY and decorations and boxes of the things I was preparing for Kaylee's 6th Birthday. I even have the candy boxes and the piñata filled with candy. I've checked and they still haven't expired, but for how long? I refused thinking we were not going to do that party I had prepared, but now I'm starting to believe I may not even hold it for Emmalee´s 8th! I'm glad that mom is more heartbroken by this than they are. They are such troopers. But, because I was holding on to share the celebration, I had not done her birthday interview or her Dear Kaylee letter. I even had a mini photo shoot of her COVID indoor party. So. I'm going to share those pictures, do her letter and interview, and pray we can one day use her decorations for a party with friends soon.

Kaylee Birthday Interview Age 6.

Here we go.

1. What is something mommy always says to you? Obey your parents. Don't be mean to your sister.

2. What makes you happy? Playing with my mom and dad and sister and my pet dog.

3. What makes you sad? Playing alone

4. What makes you laugh? When my sister tickles me.

5. How old are you? 5 years old.

6. How old is Mommy? um.... 31 (Mom is 34)

7. How old is Daddy? 33? (Dad is 32)

8. What is your favorite thing to do? um.. My favorite thing to do is watch movies with my mom and dad and sister and pet dog, my grandma and my aunt.

9. Who is your best friend? Emmalee and Vicky

10. What do you want to be when you grow up? A Ballerina and get married.

11. What are you really good at? Doing the splits.

12. What are you not very good at? I am not very good at doing mmm... how do you say "puente"? I'm not very good at doing the puente!

13. What did you do today? Today I played with my sister, eated with my daddy, and talked to my mom.

14. What is your favorite food? Ice cream

15. What is your favorite song? Ay.... my favorite song is... (starts singing) "into the Unknown, into the unknown, in the unknooooooown... ah ah ah ah." That is my favorite song.

16. What do you want for your birthday this year? Cake and toys and my piñata and even cupcakes.

17. What is your favorite animal? Baby bunnies!

18. What is love? I love my mom and dad, sister and pet, grandma and aunt. You love people.

19. What does daddy do for work? school!
20. What does mommy do for work? school.

21. Where do you live? Panama and mmmm..... I don't know. Panama and Honduras

22. Where is your favorite place to go? A picnic at the park.

Dear Kaylee,

No matter how big you are getting, you want to be and pretend you are the baby. You will bundle yourself into a little ball and find your way on anyone's lap at your reach. I love it. I love how cuddly you are, considering you were not a cuddly baby. I would have not guessed it back then. I thought you'd be more like me in that regard. And even though you are our baby, you are the one to remember your brother Sammy the most. You're always talking about him and how you'd be big for him. You love baby everything. If there are toys you can play with, you'll pick the smallest or the baby-like. And your maternal love is ever present in how you treat others. You are quick to run to mom or Emmalee if any of us got injured or are crying and offer help and hug. Your touch is filled with such tenderness and sweetness that is also mirrored in the softness in your eyes when you comfort others. Mom is not keen on being touched when she is in distress and has snapped once or twice when someone attempts to touch her in that state. You are not discouraged by that as others have been and offer your touch and care promptly. You've done such a good job in bringing mom's walls down. I can't remain unchanged when touched by you. You are always walking around with a stuffed animal wherever you go. Mom has fought you in bringing your toys to the table when you do school, but you just feel better with your toys close by. To you, they're as if your friends where there. You have such a rich imagination. You've even dabbled into songwriting like your sister does. You've become more intrepid and try harder at your gym class. You put us all to shame with your flexibility even though you are the one who tries the least. I hope you know how jealous mom and tia Lilly are and how lucky you are to be so naturally limber. You have come leaps and bounds in your reading. It was such a great source of frustration to you that you would not even attempt it and would burst in tears. Mom had to find ways to help you and be reassuring. Now, you have found confidence in yourself and pride in your achievements that you run to show dad and read to him whichever story you just read mom. It fills me with such joy to see you thrive even if it didn't come naturally to you. It's how Emmalee must feel watching you do your splits so easily. You used to be a good eater when you were a toddler, but you have grown to give me grief in the eating department. Except when we eat pizza. You can eat three slices of pizza, even fighting dad for that last piece. I hope you learn to eat more fruits and veggies. For some reason, you have become an apple monster. That's what I call you, "my little apple monster." We'll always find you munching on an apple. You like to give me the cores for you know i won't waste them. You are a sensitive little girl. If mommy scolds you too harshly, you'll run to your room. I must always remember to guard your heart. You have been upset with mom because we've been watching out summer bible movies. A lot of them are movies about martyrs. The stories are too much for your sensitivity. You cry and demand me to make it stop. I believe that passion and tenderness will one day make you stand up for injustice and love the ones that need it most. The lock down has been easier on you than on your sister, but you long for park time. The only week when the quarantine was lifted you were the happiest little girl to walk hand in hand with mom and dad while wearing a mask. You kind of enjoy the mask. I don't know why. Sometimes I'll find you wearing it while playing in your room. You funny girl! Always my funny girl. You keep being a source of joy for the less seen people around you. Sarita, our maid, has trouble letting people in. You keep breaking walls there too showing up where she is and hugging her promptly. Thank you for your example of unconditional love and love with no fear. No fear of rejection, no fear of judgment, just loving how you know how and loving tenderly. I'm so lucky you came into our life when you did, unexpectedly and by surprise.Your obsession with pink is as strong as always. Pink this and pink that. You'll fight your sister for your favorite TV character because you always want the pink. Luckily for you, your sister wants the blue. Mom would always be the pink power ranger when we pretend played too. You've struggled with sharing because your sister has begun asking for your pink toys. You are reluctant, but when mommy gives you reason and Word to show love, you won't fight longer. You came a long way into being willing to receive discipline, so much so, that mommy barely employs physical discipline anymore. I love you, my baby. I want to cuddle with you forever. I wan to see you belting songs unabashedly for as long as you live, in the shower, in the car, in the park, in your bed. We will ask you from time to time to stop, but we will always delight in hearing you sing your made up songs from the top of your lungs. Thank you for your joy and your hugs and for being my baby. I love you.

Mom

She was so excited for her decorations and party, even if it was just us and it was nowhere near to what we had planned for her party.

She has been dreaming of that pink flamingo floaty for months. And she waited almost all year to use on November 2020

Humble, but filled with all our love!

I made that K when she turned 4 on her bunny birthday and Lyla kept it.

The only good thing about quarantine is that Lyla lives on the apartment right next door, so we were able to be together all year.

Lyla got those Frozen plates and Kaylee wanted to showcase them.

The balloon made a nice backdrop, so we made a small photo shoot.

Good bye 2020

2021-01-03T19:37:00.001-08:00

2020 ended, and even with the "time" we were given I was not able to write as much as I would have wanted to here. I was even inspired by a friend to finally write my own book. My writing has been stunted because of my desire of not spewing more negativity into the world. I have been riding quite an emotional roller coaster this year.

I remember last year my husband and I had ranked 2019 in our top three worst years of our life and when we started listing all the things we were grateful for we felt quite ashamed of doing that. We had no idea what 2020 would bring! I feel inclined to feel defeated when one of the things I was grateful for last year was me getting over my PTSD, but this year it came back with a vengence. This is the main reason I have not wanted to "share" anything in my public corners of the internet. I wanted to write my victory post. I wanted to share my "aha" moments that stuck with me and got me out of this funk. And I did have those moments, but this is a recovery journey not a miracle awakening.

My counselor says I am a very objective person. I see the problem at hand and list the steps necessary to overcome it. I saw my depression creeping back in, so I doubled my Bible reading time, my exercise time, and my gratitude lists. But life is not x + y = z, especially not our minds and souls. They are a mystery. They operate in mystery and are influenced by mystery. When none of my efforts kept my depression at bay, I fell into despair. "Why read the Bible if it is not helping how I feel? Why exercise if I only feel more crappy than before and everything aches anyways whether I exercise or not?"

I´ve been wanting to write about that counseling session I had because OH MY GOODNESS it was something else. In my objective mind I had made some things "truth": God had used my cancer for His glory because through it I was able to reach so many people and share the gospel. His will is good, pleasing, and perfect. God does things for the glory of His name, not for the good of the people. He is sovereign. You might be reading this and wondering why I put "truth" in quotations when this is TRUTH. Well, if you only take some truths from God and not the whole truth, these truths become lies. Think of Jesus being tempted by Satan and Satan using scripture to tempt Jesus. The same thing was happening to me. Deep in my heart, I was believing terrible lies due to these truths. Lies I had allowed in my heart and needed to confess to overcome. I will be writing down the lies I was believing in quotations for you to understand my thought process.

Lie number 1: God gave me cancer.

"If He is sovereign, He gave me cancer. My cancer is genetic for crying out loud! It came written in my genes at the time of my conception. God´s plan for me was for me to get cancer!" Here things get tricky for me to explain it clearly because it requires an understanding of Theology I do not possess. I´m going to write it down in the layman's terms I understand it. Jesus saves the sinner; He doesn't make the sinner sin. This is one of the most disputed aspects of predestination and sovereignty. His sovereignty is then defined in His choice not to exercise His authority over our sin (unleash His justice and wrath which no one would survive). This sovereignty of His is present in His mercy, grace, and love that is beyond our human comprehension. Some will not agree with me in this point but the answer is: No! God did not ordain cancer for my life. He allowed it: yes! He knew about it: Yes! He caused it: No!

James 1

16 Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters. 17 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, Who does not change like shifting shadows. 18 He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all He created.

See, I was believing the lie that He caused it. And so, my objective mind had never admitted many things my subjective heart was feeling: I was both angry with God and afraid of God. And thus my relationship with God has been a fear-bond: I am unwilling to trust Him because you cannot trust someone you fear, but I am too afraid to leave Him.

Lie number 2: His plan for me was cancer for His glory.

What a misconception of God that was plaguing my heart! His plan for me was not cancer so He could get glory. He is able to somehow get glory from me in spite of me! He is not bringing forth things in my life for His name's glory. His name's glory is doing fine without me! That He is able to use my affliction for His glory is a mercy and a miracle, not the plan. How could I obey the Bible when it said: "Wait on the Lord! Do not be anxious! Trust the Lord!" when my heart was afraid that meant more hardship for His glory?!!! I was frightened.

And here is where confession played a part in my recovery. How had I allowed myself to be deceived on who the true God was! My mom would say to me "Hold tight to God's promises to you" and I would fret. I was deceived. I was lost.

This is His plan for me:

Ephesians 1 4 For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love 5 He predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will— 6 to the praise of His glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the One He loves. 7 In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace 8 that He lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding, 9 He made known to us the mystery of His will according to His good pleasure, which He purposed in Christ, 10 to be put into effect when the times reach their fulfillment—to bring unity to all things in heaven and on earth under Christ.

Lie number 3: He is a distant Father.

If my view of God is as Kind and Sovereign without the complete understanding of Who He is as a whole, my view of Him is flawed. I could no longet see my loving Father. As part of my counseling, I was asked to go back to the time in my life when I could hear His voice. I closed my eyes and prayed the Holy Spirit would make me recall the days my Father in Heaven was as real to me as my father on earth. I went back to the days I felt fatherless after the divorce of my parents and God's promise that “if my father and mother left me He would not” kept me going! I held tight to that promise and never felt alone. I would pour my heart to God all night and I would feel comforted, listened, and held. I began looking at God as my Father again.

One time I was trying to teach one of my students how to cut. She was getting frustrated because she didn't want to let her older sister teach her how to hold the scissors or the paper. She wanted to do it alone. She wanted to do it right. I had to ask her father to intervene. He came and held the paper to her. She had never cut straight lines before. Her attitude to cutting changed and she declared cutting was now her favorite thing. (For those who don't know, I teach preschool prep classes online). I told her father this was normal and I had struggled with the same attitudes with my girls, especially in their threenager years (three-year-olds that act like teenagers). It made me think of myself. I am struggling with depression and I want to do it alone and I want to get right on the first try. And I thought of God, my father, lovingly trying to let me know I need to let Him teach me, hold my hand when I can't hold the scissors right yet, and have the patience to practice to get it right. This filled my heart with joy and hope to feel I am not alone and I should not be defeated I am still learning to deal with my depression.

I spent the night in prayer after that counseling meeting. I hadn't talked to God like that in ages. It was so comforting and uplifting. I woke up the next morning feeling so different. The counselor was telling me about God's love for me. While he was telling me this I could hear a voice say "Yeah, God loves you and wants to spend time with you but you squander that love and time." I said this out loud and my counselor said words that have been life-changing in this struggle: "God does not talk like that."

And so, every time those voices have popped into my head I have let them know "The true God does not talk like that and I won't listen to any of that anymore!"

If you are struggling with your relationship with God, seek help, seek counseling! Stop thinking you can do it alone. You can't! Ask God to bring you back and help you hear His voice. He is calling with tender love. I will not be kept from dwelling in that love any longer, not by my ignorance, not by my fear, not by my anger.

Matthew 79 “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! 12 So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. 13 “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. 14 But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.

There is so much more I want to share of that counseling session, but this will do for now. And so, 2020 was a beating for so many, but I will begin 2021 by listing all the things I must be grateful for in 2020.

1. We had provision for the entire year. So many times we felt we would not have jobs or provision, and somehow we always had both. We even had enough to add ice cream to our grocery shopping to have something with which to comfort the girls for not being able to play outside or see friends.
2. The most understanding girls ever. They suffered the quarantine. They shed tears. They consistently prayed for this to be over. But they kept their spirits up and their good attitudes throughout.
3. My mom's recovery. I won't say much of this, but it was more than I could ask for in terms of provision and protection.
4. A small birthday party in COVID times. I am grateful nothing went "bad" in terms of anyone getting the virus or being a threat to others. We took a chance. I'm just glad it turned out ok and the girls got a much-needed break from this reality.
5. Friends who stayed close, both far and close (though the quarantine made everyone feel far).
6. A solid family. I can't thank God any more for my husband.
7. A renewed relationship with my mom and sister. Close quarters will do that.
8. A business opportunity for Lilly and me.
9. Everyone had good health.
10. We still have our house.
11. Girls had a good education year and kept learning gym and piano and more.
12. We were still able to serve at Church

I am so sorry for those who lost loved ones to Covid or during 2020. I pray you have the hope of seeing them again through Christ. The Lord is near.

The Church is Me!

2020-10-24T09:31:00.009-07:00

I was hesitant on writing my last post because I didn't want to write something "bad" about a specific church. I was writing about churches and Christianity in general. It is hard for those who read it not to have a specific church in mind because they knew what church I had attended most of my life and had also attended there themselves.

There are a few things I want to make clearer.

1) I never meant to call anyone specifically a "bad apple." If you remember my post, this was a comment on my friend´s post. Her post said that if the teaching is wrong, you can't say it's some "bad apples" straying you away from Christianity. I happen to agree with her. One of the things I don´t know if my previous post made clear is that I am included in those perpetuating teachings straying away others. I wrote the post because I don't take that lightly. I have a responsibility in the part I played, whether it was intentional or not. I was part of "church-cliques." I was in the "spiritual" clique always a pastor darling. I didn't care for others, including my siblings who were feeling left out and seen as less because I was "in". If anything, I was the biggest bad apple.

2) I never meant to say all the church leaders were bad and everyone in that church is bad. If I happen to still have many close and good friends from that church is because they add to my life in friendship and in Christ. Some of the things that happened in my youth were wrong. I need to talk about that. My post and the responses I got in private show me this needs to be addressed. A lot of people are hurt, but no one will speak about it. But speaking for the sake of speaking can lead to sin, as James reminds us (Read James chapter 3). I don't want to speak about it just so that we can all get together and say "Yeah, this was all bad!" and start bad-mouthing someone or an institution that, while not perfect, is working towards bringing people to Christ. A lot of you took it that way, and that makes me feel responsible because that is not the door I wanted to open. I was not talking of this church specifically but of Christianity and churches in general. I wanted to open the door where the church stops pretending to be perfect, starts acknowledging the things it did wrong, starts enacting change that will help bring more people to Christ, and maybe even move towards helping those it hurt to heal. This kind of talk is taboo in churches. We sweep it under the rug.

3) The church was not a building or a group of pastors. The church was me. The church is you. It is your responsibility to look after it. It is your responsibility to restore her. It is your responsibility to amend your mistakes. It is your responsibility to forgive pastors, leaders, or people in church who might have hurt you. You do NOT have a green card to hold grudges, resentment, and anger. Sometimes that means changing churches. Sometimes that means staying so you can be the difference. Sometimes it means asking for forgiveness. Sometimes it means spoonful by spoonful getting rid of bad theology and putting in the work to learn good theology for yourself and teach good theology to others. Yes, bad theology is what makes some leaders think they have control over your life, your relationships, your finances, or your education. But let me say it again and in the present tense: the church is me. I am the hands and feet of Christ in this world. If I don´t preach, He can use the rocks to do so. I won´t be bested by a rock. I will tell the world of Him Who gave His life for me and adopted me as His child and gave my life purpose. I will put in the work in myself, in my family, in my community, and in my church.

4) Talking about this is not an attack. I was afraid of sharing my last post. I prayed long and hard to share it. Some wrote that they felt God had guided them to read my post, for they were in the brink of abandoning their faith. But God´s greatest kindness to me came in a conversation I had with the pastor who I considered to be MY Pastor: Gustavo Zepeda. As I´ve hinted before, I am trying to write my book. I don't know if I'll ever finish it, or publish it, or whatever, but I am writing it. Gustavo is in my book for he is an integral part of my life. He entered my life when I was a seven year old girl who had experienced sexual harassment at the hands of relative. Our relationship began with hatred, for I despised him for knowing my darkest secret and for my mom forcing me to go to counseling with him. But Gustavo was a loving and caring pastor that soon made feel happy I had someone like him on my side. When I was thirteen years old and this relative came back into the picture to tell me to meet him so he could apologize, I went straight to Gustavo where I knew I'd be safe. Tavo, as we so dearly call him, made mistakes. I remember once I got so mad at something he said to Rodolfo about our relationship that I went straight to him with tears in my eyes ready to let him have it. When I was met with a sensible pastor who was quick to apologize, my anger immediately left. When I saw on my private messages his name, I got scared of what he was going to say to me. Let me tell you his opening words: "Did I ever do anything to hurt you?" Can you imagine that? Can you imagine the impact it would have if every Christian reacted in this manner? Why don't we understand that God is more present in redemption and forgiveness stories than in our perfection and "holier-than-thou" pretenses?! I was quick to let Tavo know how my life was and is forever blessed to have him in it. Pastors are not responsible of everything that happens in church, and we need to remember that. Being a pastor is hard and it is a great burden. Everything that happens in church is immediately linked to them! He apologized for not having protected me better when my youth leader asked me to marry him and let me know he had advised against it.

5) What about the rest of you? I´m getting tears in my eyes writing this right now. Please, I never meant to attack anyone. Tavo went on to say that because His church is filled with imperfect humans. He left the command that we should forgive one another. Do you have something you need to forgive? Some of the responses to my post clearly show that is the case. Even my husband has things he needs to forgive. Even I have things I need to forgive. My family, my siblings, my friends who love bad-mouthing this church: we have a command to forgive. It's hard for my previous post not to be viewed as an attack when the title is "Leaving the church." Was I right in leaving this church? That is a good question. I asked myself long and hard before leaving. It was right for me, I think and pray. In the end, I could only see what was bad and not what was good. I couldn't stay in that state any longer.

I was glad to receive messages from some who stayed telling me how many things have changed. That brought me joy because that is exactly what I prayed for. I don't dismiss the idea that maybe the problem was myself. Many commented on how they were deemed "bad apples" within church, but don't take the responsibility in their actions for what got them that stamp. The church was all of us. We have a responsibility to our actions. This is the reason I ended my post with: the change starts with me. I guess I didn't make this point come across more clearly. I had sat in the seat of mockers, I had alienated those who were not like me, I was bad-mouthing my leaders, I had a bitter root, I had reached out to this friend leaving Christianity with judgment and "fixes" first than with love and compassion, I had been close-minded, self-righteous, and a social warrior. And God is calling me to something better than religiousness. He is calling me to unity. He is calling you too! The church is us!

This is the group of friends that gathered at my house the night I found out I had cancer and was undergoing my first mastectomy the next morning. They were there to support me and pray for me. Almost all are from this church I was no longer attending.

My loving god-parents go to this church and are a great source of love and support for many. They are like second parents to us.

On Leaving My Previous Church

2020-10-14T13:31:00.005-07:00

A friend of mine recently posted a blog post about why she left the church and her Christian faith. She began by saying that when she decided to leave the church she was met with similar platitudes from those trying to convince her to stay:

Don't let some bad apples (meaning bad Christians) turn you away from Jesus.
You are the problem. You have a bitter root.

Now, I'm not writing this post as an antithesis of what she wrote or to convince anyone to do otherwise. I'm going to write to process how I felt reading her post, how I have felt myself after leaving my church of 20+ years, and the ongoing struggle in my mind to where to go from there.

My friend said when she was trying to be convinced not to leave, no one wanted to hear her story. They just wanted to fix her. This is often too real in pretty much every aspect of human life. I was listening to a podcast on "mom shaming" that is so pervasive in society. One of the things that caught my attention was that the speaker who was advocating for mom-shaming to stop was the first to admit she had mom-shamed other moms herself. I've written a post on that before here where I was sleepless because I felt so bad of having mom-shamed someone and here were I rant on people´s comments of my girls. I was one of the ones who told my friend "You have a bitter root."

I feel ashamed of that. One, I said it in a Facebook comment. Wow! We are too loose with our tongues on the internet. Two, while I did know part of her story, I didn't take the time to follow up or know how she was feeling when I said that to her. She got upset with me for saying that to which my defense was that "I knew how she was feeling because I was battling my own bitter root from getting cancer." I thought cancer had made me more empathetic, but I have ways to go.

Christians are too loose with their "fixes." I almost went into a rant today when I read in a mom group a mom saying she had been sexually assaulted when she was little, and she needed a good recommendation for a psychiatrist to help her deal with the trauma so she wouldn't let it affect her family now that she is a mom and wife. Almost 80% of the comments were in the line of "All you need is Jesus. Just seek Jesus! Jesus can help you heal your heart and forgive." I couldn't help myself and I did reply to some of them, the ones I found, as my friend puts it, toxic.

So, to suck the poison and toxicity that exists in the Christian world, I need to start with myself. My brother says I've become too much of a social warrior. I will go on a rant on "#meToo" (especially being a survivor of sexual abuse and sexual harassment) to whoever belittles it; I will rant on immigration and how it is "illegal" to try to find a better life for yourself because of man-made borders; I will rant on Donald Trump and whoever wants to pass him on as Christian. This year one of my resolutions was to not be a social warrior anymore because I tend to bulldoze over those on the other side of the debate, which is not very Christian of me. I intentionally try my best not to rant.

Lately, I try to be an advocate for grief protection. You see, especially in the Christian community, grief is not allowed. If you are grieving, it´s a lack of faith or lack of prayer or lack of fasting or lack of time in the Word. Depression is not permissible or justifiable. It is a lie; it is the Devil; it is your own weakness and temptation. I had to go through my own deep grief to realize this was a form of violence. You don't negate other people´s feelings. You don´t ask them to put them in perspective. You don´t tell them how to fix it or how they´re going through it because they´re not good enough. This is psychological VIOLENCE. This is psychological violence I suffered during my cancer journey and that I had and probably still have enacted on others too. If Christianity is not willing to understand its flaws and change, we can't keep telling people "it's a few bad apples."

This is why I left my church of most of my life. I have fond memories of my church. I made great friends there that I still hold dearly and closely. I met my husband there. I spent my youth in missions and worship bands and plays and so many good things. But I reached my boiling point after years and years of psychological violence and neglect. I would need way too many words to express correctly what was wrong with my church. I mean, at one point, my youth leader who was 15 years my senior and had been my youth pastor since I was 12 asked me to marry him two weeks after I turned 18! It took me many years to realize I had been groomed to accept that proposal. And thank God I didn't!

It took many years to reach that boiling point. I was so close-minded in everything. I was even taught other churches were wrong, and I could only collaborate and work within my church. I was placed in discipline from serving in church for dating my husband even though when I started dating him I was 21 and I had finished college. Mind you, he was my first kiss! I made myself miserable to the point of being too ashamed to have my alone time with God because I had romantic feelings towards him. Toxicity at its highest, toxicity I was taught and fed.

The post went on to say that it wasn't only the bad apples in church that were turning her away, but now she also had an issue with God. She didn't like the God of the Bible who slayed the Egyptians´ firstborn or the many times He commanded Israel to wipe out a nation. I wrote something along those lines here where I write why I still believe in God after getting cancer. In a nutshell, you knew who God was from the beginning of your faith. If it was easy for you to believe in Him when things were good in your life but find it easy to turn from Him when things are not going as you expected them, your faith was not in God but in what He could offer you. I want to understand the pain my friend says she endured. I certainly endured and still endure a share of pain and loss that not many people know from such a young age. You can read about it here and here. I'm not comparing pain. Everyone´s pain is their own and it's theirs to make as big or small as they experienced it. I do not believe anymore in "putting things in perspective" when trying to comfort someone.

Back to my almost rant for the comments of the mom seeking psychiatric help. Jesus is the way. I know it firsthand because I know Who held me in my deepest despair. I know it because I almost left my faith when Kinsley died and had to walk a desert to find Him again. He kept calling. He kept holding me. But I was treated with psychiatric help, and I'm still in need of psychiatric help to deal with my PTSD. Jesus is the way, but He alone is not enough. This is why He established His church on earth. He prayed our unity would bring people to Him. He prayed we'd be one with Him. I found a good church here in Panama. A church who hasn't shown a single shred of psychological violence towards me after almost three years there. A church who has held me and brought me closer to my beloved Jesus. It's sad because so many of the friends I grew up with excited to love Jesus and live for Him ended up reaching their boiling point too, and many never found a safe place to worship and grow and hold each other up in Christ. Some have bounced from church to church seeking that place and coming out so belittled they no longer see the point of it. Some have found a deeper relationship with God in a good church they ended up establishing when reaching their boiling point together. Some renounced their faith and after more than a decade of doing so, their lives are none the better; if anything, they just seem lost. It's sad because I loved my church so dearly. Leaving it was gut-wrenching. And once you leave a church like that you are almost completely shunned by those who stay in it, pretty much losing all your extended family. I found a new one that I love very dearly. I'm glad it's out there.

Picture of my youth group after a church service.

100% of us have left the church or moved to a different church after pretty much living all our teenage years in and out of church serving fervently.

Jesus is the way, but He also ate food and drank water and slept. We can't be hippies about our faith. I mean this with no disrespect, but your "Jesus is enough" is not enough.

James 2

15 Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. 16 If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? 17 In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

I struggle to see Jesus some days. Will I end up giving up after so much pain? I pray not. I see the lives of those who truly follow Jesus and those who follow the world, and I'm in good company with my fellow Jesus-lovers. They are the best thing in my life. That includes my mom and dad, my in-laws, my husband, my closest friends, my mentors and pastors. I pray to stay close to them and follow their example. It's not as easy as many would say it is. If it is for you, I'm happy you don't endure much struggle. But if you found Jesus, I'm happy you have the lover of your soul present in your life during the hardships that come with this life on this broken world.

This is not an easy subject. It is not something that you have just one answer to offer. The need for change in Christianity and many churches is too real and palpable to brush it as bad apples. The need for listening and opening up your mind to needs and grief and pain and true help is urgent. You don't have to agree with me. I don't even fathom to have the full understanding of anything myself. I do open my mind to be better and do better because change must start with me.

Bringing my Thoughts Captive

2020-09-27T11:48:00.003-07:00

When I first started my blog it was a place to clear my thoughts by putting them into writing, rant if I wanted to and didn’t feel social media was the place for that, record my life for myself and my loved ones who cared, and mainly share what God does in my life through the mundane. My lessons became less “mundane” when they included my battle with cancer. I felt the lessons I learned during that time were deeper that my mundane life was no longer worthy.

This got me in a writing funk. I even started the daunting task of writing my first book about my life. I kept only writing about the hard in my life making me feel the book was a hot mess. I stopped hoping I would go back to it until “inspiration” hit again. The more I searched for this inspiration the worst I felt about my writing. A friend simply advised: write for yourself. And I feel that is the best advice ever. This is why I used to love writing. I didn’t do it with anyone in mind. The fact that my writing was approved and liked of course had an effect in me, but it was never the purpose or intention.

And so, in an effort to kickstart my writing that I have so dearly missed, I will go back to writing with only me in mind.

Depression. Oh, monstruous faceless beast, how am I to finally defeat you? Can I defeat you? I’ve been learning the different facets of depression. The best way I can describe it is a roller coaster. It has highs and lows. On my highs, I get things done. I do more healthy and hearty meals. I cover more school material and make the classes fun and interactive. I do DIY projects for my home or myself. I work on my yoga and unlock new poses. On my lows, I get by. I resort to fast meals like burgers and hot dogs. On very lows my girls are self-sufficient to make themselves a ham and cheese sandwich or a pb&j sandwich when mom can’t even leave the bed. I barely cover any school material. I resort to the independent work or an educational episode of the Magic School bus. I feel successful if at least the house is not upside-down, and the pile of dishes is not too high. The pile of laundry most definitely is. I consider taking the dog out to pee my workout for the day.

The lows hurt. They hurt my progress. They hurt my family. They hurt my sense of worth. They fill me with self-loathing for how mediocre I used a day I was given. I berate myself into an even lower low.

Lately, I’ve been searching for the highs and hoping to hold on to them as much as possible. I’ve been trying to be kinder to myself in my mind. I try to remember I’ve had worse lows. I try to have hope. If the genius Jon Foreman can only give as a response “Life, Love, and Why?”, what else can I add to the conundrum?

For me, the problem lately has been my lack of hope. I just don’t foresee the future being any better. I hate all the “self help inspirational” quotes and posts that fill our feeds these days, but I always read them trying to find anything I can use. I found one that had a list of “goals” similar to my own with one important addendum. My goals list for the day looks like this:

1) basics: read your Bible and spend time in prayer.

2) Eat mindfully and guard your sleep (a.k.a. no binging, both for food and for tv).

3) Do all your work before any breaks. (a.k.a. you can only pick your phone at the end of the day)

4) Workout.

5) Avoid comparing yourself to others, even to your own self yesterday.

6) Envision success.

Number 6 was the addendum. This is something I never do and intentionally avoid doing. The only times I allow myself to do this is when I plan a birthday party, got a cake order, DIY something I see online. I believe I can do it. I trust I can do it. I can do it.

I never let myself think I can do a push up. I never let myself think I’ll be able to consistently go to bed at a good time and wake up early. My mind has set limits based on my pain and illness. “I will wake up all night from the pain of neuropathy, so sleeping well is not up to me. I won’t be able to do a push up because I have no pectoral muscle left (I literally don’t after aggressive double mastectomy). My lymphedema will flare up again so I can’t train more. My anxiety from lack of sleep and lack of working out will lead to food binging. I just can’t do it. I’ll just fall back into my old habits. I’ll just fail again.”

This is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my self-loathing tendencies after I analyze myself as a mother, wife, daughter, or disciple. “I’ll never be able to stop raising my voice no matter how hard I try. I wish my daughters had a ‘complete’ mom who is not always in pain. Poor husband of mine stuck with such a wife! I’m always so short-tempered with my mom for no reason.”

And do I believe any of that will get better? Do I envision myself even achieving any improvement?

Not one iota!

No wonder I have no hope. These are just my everyday goals and I have no hope or trust of succeeding. Why would I have long-term goals I would definitely not trust myself, my God, or my life of ever achieving!

And so, I’ve been reading Bible verses that have been calling me to action.

2 Cor. 10:5 “Take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.”

I have to say this “envision success” has lowered my negativity and boosted my positivity. I sorely needed this because I was drowning in my negativity on pit of hopelessness and many tears. I was crying while doing the dishes, crying while doing class with the girls, crying while in the shower. FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON other than my deep negativity.

1 Thesalonians 5: 16-18

16 Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

This one hit me especially hard when reading “This is the will of God for YOU in Christ Jesus.” I want to be known by my girls and loved ones as a happy, cheerful, positive person. Times are hard and we need that energy. I am known that way in many circles, but not my inner circle. I want that for my family. But I want to be able not to hate on myself and start beating myself down when I’m unable. Depression is a disease. A disease for which I can’t afford treatment or medicine as I was at the beginning of the year when the world was actually less grim.

I’ve been on antidepressant withdrawal that has left me with a bombardment of suicidal thoughts. At one exceptionally low point I verbalized to my girls “I wish I was dead. You´d be better off without me.” Tears immediately flew from my eldest eyes and my youngest just held my arm for dear life. “But we need you,” my 7-year-old feels compelled to say in an attempt to rescue her mommy from such thoughts. I do not take this incident lightly. In fact, I would say it is one of my worst lows as a mother and one of the worst damages I could have done to my girls. They don’t need to worry that mommy is thinking that or crying without prompting. “I wish you’d never had cancer,” Emmalee says with a heaviness in her voice you can tell she has been thinking it for a long time. When she hears mommy has a checkup or sees the band aid from where they drew blood, she complains of stomachaches or suffers from teeth grinding.

All I´ve ever wanted was to make them a happy home, but that needs a happy mom for the formula to work. I do not envision myself feeling happy. I’m utterly surprised when I do. I need to change that. I’m in a battle with myself. How do you tell yourself that what you think or want is not what you should think or want and tell yourself to change that thought that yourself is feeding you? Am I describing temptation? I think in a sense I am, and this is why the encouragement is to take CAPTIVE EVERY THOUGHT to the obedience of CHRIST.

I still feel very lonely in my lows. I shared one of them with my mom and left her in tears as well. What mom would not react that way when hearing your daughter say she feels life is not worth living. She asked me if it’s not worth it for my daughters. I said “No.” (When someone is in an emotional low, what they’re saying can’t be taken as truth). My reasons to that “no” was that I honestly feel the girls and my family would be better off without me. These, of course, are lies of the Devil; lies that I recognize as such but am still such a weakling that I repeat them out loud and give them strength. “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God…” says the beginning of 2 Cor 10:5. Can’t forget that goes hand in hand with taking every thought back to the obedience of Christ.

Capturing my mind requires stillness, something I had been resistant to do. I’m getting a little better, and these spaces of self-reflection help. I’ve been using my journal as a place to boost positivity by only writing gratitude. I’m resistant to share these things because I wish I could share them when I have an answer to them, when I could share what I learned, when I could share steps into getting better. I guess I have to accept that it’s a roller coaster. It breaks my trust when I know I’ve been spending more time in the Bible than before, and I’m still struggling with these issues. If you think these have an easy fix, you are not acquainted with depression and have no business telling others how “easy” it is for you to shift your thoughts.

Finally, I want to add one more thing to the list:

8) It’s not about you.

Proverbs 4:23, GNT Be careful how you think; your life is shaped by your thoughts.

This is a different translation to “Guard your heart above all things for from it comes life.” I really like this translation. Your heart is what you think. Look at this next verse:

Proverbs 23: 7 For as he thinks in his heart, so is he. He says to you, “Eat and drink!” But his heart is not with you.

Here we can see that what you think and what you say don’t always match. But it gets better when you pair it with this verse:

Psalm 19:14, NLT May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.

If this is your “vision of success” you’ll seek to have both your words and thought not only match, but intentionally seek to be “captive to the obedience of Christ” which will take you to intentionally do this verse:

Philippians 4:8, ESV whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

It’s not about me. I need to put that into the center of my thoughts, which is why the command is “captive to the obedience of CHRIST.” I don’t live my life because I think it’s worth it. I live it to give Him glory. He has said to me that He glorifies Himself in my weakness too. My lows are not without His presence, His love, or His glorifying in my life. He is strong when I am weak. Those lows are days I must rely on Him to be stronger. Can I have hope in Him? I must. It’s all that matter in the end.

And so, my Lord give me days of rest to quiet the turmoil within and give me friendship and beauty. Oh, how my heart was filled by this beautiful day shared with highly loved brothers and sisters.

My Panama sisters consists of a Honduran called Jackie and a Salvadorean called Tita. Oh, how I love these girls!

The grownups had a fun frisbee game. Jackie doesn't know how good she looks throwing with that sunset backdrop.

It was completely dark and thundering minutes before we met up at the park. We almost cancelled our day out, but we knew the Panama weather is crazy fluctuating.

We were completely alone in the field, so Kaylee took her mask for a breather. We have all been very vigilant with the quarantine, so we were confident in our company.

I hope our kids grow up to be best friends!

Jackie made fun of Tita and me for smiling while using our masks. XD