Just listen

Happy

2011-10-05T11:37:00.000-07:00

Hello. My name is Nidia Stubblefield and my family and I live in Bastrop. The week following September 4th was immensely stressful for my little family. We spent a week of uncertainty scared for many of our family members who had to evacuate, some running around town trying to find lost pets, three to four families jammed into a two bedroom house and tensions running high. Their house might have made it Tuesday but that didn't mean it would be there Wednesday or Thursday or Friday. It was a week where all our children stayed home from school unable to at least play outside because of the intense smoke and myself trying very hard to hide the fear and tears. It was a week of subtle and reassuring conversations with my children to explain to them that their daddy, who is a paramedic in town, was ok even though they hadn't seen him in 24, 48, 72 hours and would eventually not see him again until 7 days later and that all the airplanes and helicopters that seemed to them to be flying just inches above their house were there to help us.

My home, my family, my husband the paramedic were all safe and sound at the end of this ordeal. We know at least 10 families that are either friends or family that lost their homes and are on the road to rebuild their life so their ordeal is not over but today I write to you on behalf of my brother-in-law and his family. My brother-in-law Cory is a hard-working man. He works as a welder at Griffin Industries. His wife Naomi works at the Hyatt Regency Resort and they have a sweet three year-old named CJ. They had just moved into a duplex in Tahitian Village in early August and were excited to be in a new place they could call home. When the fires started and they were evacuated, they were blessed to be put up at the Hyatt like all the other staff that had been evacuated but because of the stress of all the activity in town and the uncertainty of not knowing if their home and all their belongings were still there, Naomi refused to leave the Hyatt. Late in the week, my husband was able to go to their street (since he was in the ambulance) and finally got the answer they were looking for. The house was gone and their would be nothing to even sift through. It was all gone. All of Naomi's jewelry of her late grandmother, Cory's items from when he served in the military, and all of CJ's toys. Everything.

Cory, Naomi, and CJ are on the road to recovery. They are getting back on their feet but it hasn't been easy. It was weeks of struggle trying to register for help since they hadn't been at the new house long enough to even change the address on their IDs yet, settling utility accounts, replacing lost important documents. They are very grateful for all the help they have received but no matter how "gently used", no one likes to wear someone else's hand-me-downs or be away from the comforts of home for very long. Today, the family is settling into their new apartment but even that is not as joyous as you would assume. The fact that there were so many families displaced made it near to impossible to find a new home within their price range and in a decent part of town. They finally had to settle for the bottom of the barrel apartment complex in town that is clearly not the environment they hoped to raise CJ in, infested with roaches and shady characters all about.

Please help me get them to the concert. I have seen this ordeal and the stress of it change them and almost break their spirit. I know it would mean the world to them if for just one night they could forget, relax their shoulders for just a second, and take a deep breath. I already bought some tickets for my husband and myself since originally I was told by Michelle and the facebook page that there would be some exclusively for fire victims but I would gladly give mine to Cory and Naomi if I have to. I really hope you can help me bring a smile to their face.

Here is our contact info. I pray I hear from you.

Some of my favorite pics taken by other talented people

2011-09-26T14:05:00.000-07:00

Heroes

2011-09-16T11:13:00.001-07:00

Last night there was a football game where during halftime, they would have a ceremony to honor all the first responders. There was such a great and strong sense of unity and community that filled the stadium.
Before halftime, I went to the potty to be sure I avoided the lines during halftime and to make sure I was back in my seat before the presentation. On my way back I got caught up in a sea of firefighters as they came down from the bleachers to go down onto the field. There were hundreds of them. Most of them looked exhausted and were covered in soot. I couldn't help but cry to think that all these men and women had come out and allowed us to show our gratitude when I am sure they would have much rather have gone straight home...to their hotel to take a hot shower and go to sleep and start all over again tomorrow until this war is over.
They remind me of soldiers. A soldier may argue with me about the level of heroism but these men and women are voluntarily walking into a war with mother nature in defense of people they have never even met. And they too do not know if they will be home safe and sound at the end of their trip.

Thank you.

fear

2011-09-12T13:21:00.000-07:00

It was surreal. I've never known a more appropriate time to use such a word but last week was definitely surreal like a horrible Armageddon movie. As the week went on I wanted so badly to remember every little detail and thought that raced through my mind, but I couldn't and it was just exhausting.
Sunday afternoon we were driving back from our visit to Houston. It was probably around 3pm. When we were on I-10 we noticed a lot of smoke and instantly knew there must be an ugly grass fire somewhere. We traveled on. As we approached Smithville, we saw a lot of smoke coming from the direction of 21. Matt instantly knew that it was going to turn into something terrible. He had mentioned time and time again that a fire in the pines with layers and layers of dry pine needles on the ground and dry pine trees all around would one day spell catastrophe for our little town. As we approached the intersection of Tahitian Drive and 71, Matt had to come to a screeching halt as fire trucks came at us and headed where we had just come from. The fire was about to cross south over 71 and we had just missed it.
The week was full of ups and downs. We were blessed to not have to evacuate and not have to fear the worst but I couldn't help but worry for my family, my friends, my town. Evacuate, come home, evacuate, come home. Contained, not contained. 300 homes lost, 600, 700, 1400 homes destroyed.

From our house you could see the black smoke by 21 and 95.
From our house you could hear and see the Blackhawks and planes flying by, so low you'd think you could touch them.
From our house you could smell the smoke that filled the air and it wasn't safe to leave the house.
In front of every other house and in each parking lot in town there is an RV parked indefinitely until a family finds a home.
From my house I worried about Matt and that he may end up in a dangerous situation trying to help someone else.
In our town, there is a little city of tents and RVs from all the insurance companies filing claims for people.
In our town, there are hundreds of firefighters all over the place eating, resting, buying essentials.

Pets have died. Houses have vanished. Our teachers and the children I see day in and day out have lost their homes. The waitress at the restaurant, the walmart employee. It gives you a whole new perspective on the word homeless. Insurance or no insurances, renters or owners, it doesn't matter, they are now homeless. Can you even picture 1400 homes? I can't. Out of no where I'd remember one more person to add to the list of people I needed to check up on and even today, 7 days later, friends are still just finding out if there home is still standing.
I saw 5 green Forest Service trucks drive by full of firefighters and all i could do was cry. I cried because they reminded me of soldiers going in to fight a war, fighting for us and they didn't even know us. I cried when i found out Janet's house was spared because the stress of thinking it was gone for days before that was just too much to bare. There are moments in your life that really break your heart. I know for all of us September 11th will forever be one of those moments. For our little town of Bastrop and the town of Smithville, September 4th will also be one of those moments. I was blessed. Blessed that my little family was safe and unaffected but I hurt for every one else. I hurt for the dozen of friends and family that I know are stricken with sadness and fear of having to rebuild their home all over. I have never been more afraid and sad. Never.

They grow up so fast

2011-08-19T12:36:00.001-07:00

Define forgiveness please

2011-08-15T13:41:00.000-07:00

I am having a very difficult time defining forgiveness. It's strange because in my younger years I always considered myself to be very forgiving. I forgave my ex, the mean girls at school, my mom. Never felt I was carrying tons of weight on my heart from holding on to resentments and anger.

But now? Oh boy! I just do not know what it is exactly that I need to say or do to feel like i have 'forgiven' so that I can free myself of this heaviness in my heart. What does it take? Am I supposed to just 'forgive and forget' as they say and pretend it never happened? Doesn't that just make me stupid and leave the door wide open for them to hurt us again? Am I suppose to do some sort of grand gesture so that the people that have hurt me and my loved ones are 'forgiven'? Am I obligated to restore the relationship with these people just to show that I am a nice and forgiving person? Do I have to even be friendly or anything more than cordial?

Should it matter that some of the things done to us were done intentionally? Some maliciously? Are they allowed to use the excuse of just being plain stupid when I think they are just cowards? Am I obligated to extend the olive branch over and over again and 'get along' with people I really have no need for in my life, especially if I know there is a great chance that they will hurt us again? Does it require an apology on their part first? If someone has hurt my dearest loved one, is it 'disloyal' of me to pretend that person was never an utter ass to my loved one?

I just can't figure out if there is supposed to be some sort of defining moment that exhalts my forgiveness so that I can just move on already. It seems that until there is this huge dramatic moment, I will continue to be the bad guy. Oh and while I'm at, can I ask if it is written somewhere that I am also obligated to get along with everyone or like them? Isn't it enough if I just tolerate them?

Third grade

2011-05-18T14:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Julie Pie,

Third grade is only a few weeks away from wrapping up and by the looks of it, you are going to end the year on a high note (all A's possibly). This year has been tremendous for you. This was your first FULL school year with dyslexia class and you have embraced everything Ms. Walther has taught you and just amazed us. I must say that we are VERY blessed to have such wonderful teachers and staff at Emile that really do love their job and are sincere in wanting the students to succeed. (Mrs. Robertson, Mrs. Walther, Mrs. Garrison, Ms. Renee, and all the other staff that has shown J patience and love ....we thank you. You have made a lasting impression and difference in my child's life and I will forever be grateful. )

Fortunately, the year went by with very little incident. Grades remained steady and high, no major behavior issues other than the lack of focus in class from time to time. Oh wait! There were a few incidents in STARS worth noting. I will never let you forget how you scratched that boy and made him bleed when you were all playing bombs with the branches from the pecan trees. It was a small group that chose to NOT follow the rules but you were the unlucky one that drew blood and got into trouble. It was hilarious that you kept crying and were terrified to tell Matty because you said he was going to be mad and punish you by taking away your bed. Then we ended the year off with talking about the two flies in the playground that 'were just mating. you know, like S*E*X'. I really hope you understood why although it was ok to watch this on Animal Planet, it was inappropriate for the playground.

You continue to be beautiful and kind. You have embraced even more family members into your life this year and shown them that there is no such thing as having too many people love you. You are a wonderful big sister even though he torments you and hurts you daily. You make me proud every day, sweet girl. I hope we have a wonderful and fun summer together.

Love always,
Momma

Tina Fey

2011-04-20T14:11:00.000-07:00

This is just toooo brilliant not to keep forever and I took the liberty to mark * my favorite parts.

A Mother's Prayer For Its Child by Tina Fey (from her book BossyPants)

“First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches. ******

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer. *****

Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age. *******

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait. *******

O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it. *****LOVE IT*******

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes. *******LOVE IT*******

Amen.”

-Tina Fey

Dear Juliepie, I promise I will make your life difficult.

2011-03-21T13:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Julie Pie,

Growing up I used to think Mima was nuts. She used to spy on me while I was at school, cut the cords off the tvs and phones so we wouldn't waste time on that nonsense while she was at work, scared my friends away, and never really let me be social as a teenager. Unfortunately on many occasions we got into very ugly fights that usually led to lots of scratching, pushing, etc. She really believed in tough love and often took it a bit far. Mima was not very nurturing or affectionate. No one ever taught her what affection was. She was not very patient and I wouldn't ever use the word 'sweet' in the same sentence as her name. She put the fear of God in us, as they say.

But now I am the mother of a gorgeous and intelligent little girl. And I want you to know that I will also put the fear of God in you! Yup, I am. I pray to God that I have the strength to be just a bit as strict with you as my mom was with me so that you can also grow up to be strong, confidant, and hardworking. And when you have graduated college, made all your dreams come true, and are starting your own family with a man that will worship the ground you walk on, you will thank me.

So when you are cursing at me and telling me how much you hate me and that I just do not understand you and what it is like to be a teenager, I know that one day you will no longer be an ungrateful, bratty teenager that thinks they are invincible. Although I want you to make mistakes and learn lessons on your own, I hope I can keep you from making mistakes that can change your path in life forever. I hope I can teach you that we are very blessed with what we have and you can have anything you want as long as you work hard to get because nothing will be just handed to you. I promise to continue to shower you with love and praise and affection. I do not want you to ever suffer the awkward notion of not knowing what it is like to hear me say "I love you and I am proud of you".

So when I don't let you go to that party or allow you to come home at 3 am or date that boy that is bad news, I hope you understand and remember that I love you.

Love always,
Momma

I remember...

2011-01-26T11:43:00.001-08:00

...when mom would come up with a dollar and take us to Hamburger Hut on Alameda. She would send me in to get a burger that I would have to share with Ninet and Edgar. I always wanted more but never dared to ask.
...when we would go to Juarez in the van as soon as we got out of school to go fill up both tanks with diesel since it was cheaper over there.
...before we ever had a VCR, I would put my old boom box up to the speakers of the tv and record my dad's favorite novela so he could hear it in his truck when he was working/driving.
...when Janeth and I would save our money so we could walk to the Hello Kitty store on Figueroa.
...going on a road trip with my family, falling asleep before we ever made it out of El Paso, knowing that we would be there safe and sound when I woke up since mom and dad would drive all night.

Two years

2010-12-14T14:01:00.000-08:00

I haven't written in a while. I just haven't been moved to do so and in my world that is mostly a good thing because usually I write when I have something to vent about. But it hasn't really been because of a lack of drama because as usual, there has been plenty. I think I just feel so fulfilled and at peace with all the good and even the bad in my life that I'm...balanced, I suppose.

The last two years have been difficult financially for us. I watched the ugliest of arguements between my parents growing up and they were 99% of the time because of money and the lack of it but I am surprised and lucky that we have miraculously survived and continued to love and laugh throughout our tough times. It's comforting to know that in the short time that we have been married, we have gone through some serious things and have grown stronger from it. The corny cliches that money can't buy you love and that money isn't everything exist for a reason because even though the bank account is scarce, I have never been this happy before. I have a husband that truly loves me and beautiful, healthy children. My children are loving, intelligent, and giving. They are not materialistic or bratty.

I sleep peacefully at night. My husband doesn't resent me for things I do or do not do. I love my in-laws and they love me. My job has some pros and some cons, but I am blessed to have a job and one that I enjoy. Although we don't have much, I continue to give and help others without keeping tab or expecting anything in return. My home is not much, the floors are still a mess but it is clean and organized and homey and there are warm meals in our bellies 80% of the time.

My children are not getting extravagant gifts this Christmas and I do not have to send out gift registries for all the garbage they don't need because I know that my son will be thrilled with his $7 skateboard. Someone posted this quote the other day....

Your children need your presence more than they need your presents.

~~Jesse Jackson

Preach it Jesse!!! Amen!!! Nothing could be more true!!! And our children deserve just that.

So anyway, the honey has decided what he wants to be when he grows up and together we are on the road to making it happen. Certain people are finally in a good place in their life which makes me very happy because that means they are back in my life. Red Rock is back in our hearts where it's meant to be so that we can appreciate it like it deserves. And even if we do not win the lottery on January 1st, I can already tell that 2011 is going to be good. It's going to be good just like the last two years. ;)

I'm Rich!!!!!!!

2010-07-02T12:31:00.000-07:00

This morning I sat down to balance the checkbook and pay bills since I just got paid. The thrill I usually get at the beginning of the month when my fat paycheck gets direct deposited was quickly gone when I realized that this month may be tight since M was moved to the tiny weekend shift and that as long as it is raining, no one is going to call to get their carpets cleaned. I'm so tired of being poor. I wish I could go to mall and just buy myself a cute pair of heels just because. Well, not just because. Because I actually could use a new pair to replace my other pair of boring black heels that I have had reheeled so many times...

But then I went to church today during lunch. I am trying to go Fridays since going on Sundays seems near to impossible. The priest spoke about Mother Teresa and how when she visited the US she said that although we were one of the richest countries in the world, we were all very poor. Although materialistically we are wealthy, we are poor spiritually. Smack!! Just smack me in the face why don't you.

We are getting by and taking care of what is important. I am wealthy in many ways. The most important treasures in my life are my beautiful and healthy children, my blessed marriage with a man that truly loves me and tells me I am beautiful everyday, a roof over my head and four strong walls to keep us all safe and sound. I am rich because I have a job when so many people of all economic levels cannot seem to find one and I have peace and happiness in my mind and heart that allow me to sleep soundly at night. What more could I ask for?

You don't know me

2010-06-16T08:09:00.001-07:00

It's funny how throughout different stages of your life, you really think you have everything figured out. You are set in your ways and committed to your beliefs.

In your teens you know better than your stupid parents. You know that nothing bad will ever happen to you when you are out driving around with friends on a Saturday night, hanging out with that boy mom told you was not right for you, drinking that wine cooler cuz what's the worst that can happen. You think you know what true love really is. You know that living on your own and taking on adult responsibilities is gonna be way more fun than living with mom and dad who nag you all day long and impose these ridiculous strict rules.

In your twenties, you are an official bad ass. You think the boss is an idiot with his antiquated ways. You think people should be married by a certain age, have 2.5 kids, buy the over sized house and pay your HOA fees, drive an over sized SUV, and everything else our perfect society says we HAVE to do. And anyone that disagrees with anything you think or like is an idiot and not as good as you. And you really believe that you have figured out the meaning of life and that this is what will guide you the rest of your life. You are inflexible and maybe even arrogant.

I'm 35 and I can honestly say that about 90% of ideas I have had in my life and things I have valued and believed in are no longer the same. We plan for all these wonderful events and milestones in our life like marriage and children, work, new homes, etc. But are we ever prepared for the speed bumps, the hurdles, the setbacks, the divorce, the financial troubles, the bankruptcy, the unemployment, the illness, the loss of loved ones?

I have changed tremendously in my 30s. I had a schedule, a timeline, when all these wonderful things would happen in my life but when the hurdles presented themselves, one of my biggest stressors was the thought that I was having to adjust The Schedule. I have felt like I had LOST time dealing with these difficult events in my life but I was robbing myself of actually LIVING these moments and feeling them and making room for them on The Schedule. These events in my life have changed me dramatically so they are VERY important and in a wonderful way. They softened me and forced me to embrace the fact that I am far from perfect and have nothing to be ashamed of. And maybe it is the neurotic, obsessive-compulsive in me but these events not only changed The Schedule but also changed the characters in The Story. Maybe I always saw my life as a story that I had already written with these chapters that followed my timeline containing all the characters I had deemed worthy of being in it but of course now I realize that I am not the one writing the story and therefore, I have no idea what the plot is nor do I know the ending. "We make plans and God laughs."-RHNY

I was raised constantly being told by my mother that there was no such thing as real friends. In her lifetime of many trials and sadness, she had only had one true dear friend. She is my mother and of course, she knows best, right? On my list of important people in my life, my immediate family was always at the top of my list. My siblings are my best friends. My parents have always been my soft place to fall. I never understood the whole Sex In the City dynamic between those girls. Isn't blood thicker than water? Doesn't the fact that you share the same blood with someone automatically mean that they should be your best friend, your soul mate. Once again, I change.

Because of this value I was taught (with all good intentions and a lot of other underlying trust and love issues, I'm sure), I have dismissed and underestimated the love some of my friends and even non-blood relatives have for me. That even includes my Matty. I have taken for granted some people, dare I say, some friends that love me unconditionally and do not judge me. I have taken for granted the people in my life that actually notice that I can be kind and generous and genuine.

Diana, you have accepted me and loved me for 17 years now. Can you believe it's been that long? You have accepted that I am honest even when the honesty hurts. You have accepted that I am fair even when it is not in your favor. But you have also accepted that I love you and only want what is best for you because when you hurt, I also hurt. Thank you, my friend. My mom once told me that what she liked the best about you is that she could see how sincere your love as a friend for me was. She is a smart woman.

So if you think you know me, chances are you probably do not. Unless you live under the same roof as me or you have actually paid attention, you don't know me. I have changed tremendously and I hope that I continue to change. I hope I continue to learn new things and change my opinions on many things. I want to continue to grow as a woman, a wife, a mother, a friend. If you think that I am critical or inconsiderate, you have not been paying attention. If you think I am opinionated and rude, you just missed the last ten compliments. If you think I am still this cold, sarcastic bitch you knew years ago, the one that was a ticking time bomb of emotions that knew the true meaning of life, then it's time for you to open your ears and your heart and stay a while. Let me introduce myself... my name is Nidia Stubblefield.

Second grade

2010-04-13T11:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Julie Pie,

You are almost done with the second grade. Yippeee! It has turned out to be quite a successful year. Your teacher this year is Ms. Semer and with her patience and sincere concern, she has given us some peace and hope that you will do just fine. She helped us aggressively pursue having you tested for dyslexia and after all those tests you were identified as dyslexic. According to the teacher that conducted the tests, you were not a clear cut case but needless to say she said you could definitely benefit from the tools she had to offer. Your dad and I sat in that room with Ms Garrison, Ms Semer, Mr King, and Ms Walther and I couldn't help but get a bit choked up because it was such a sense of relief after years of frustration wondering if it was ADHD or your eyesight. And you know what, since you started going to Ms Walther for reading, you have made the AB Honor Roll, scored several 100s on spelling tests, and even improved in all your other work. You seem so much more focused and organized. I am so proud of you honey. So, so proud that you have taken this in stride and flourished.

You've also mastered and changed in little ways and of course these things are probably only significant to me, but that's ok...

Well, the biggest thing is that you learned how to ride your bike and to me this is the most amazing thing ever! I get a certain joy in my heart to watch you ride and feel free and I think it is because it takes me back to when I was your age and I used to leave on my bike for hours at a time. The sense of escape and freedom was tremendous. One night we were having girlfriend night while T and Matty were at Uncle Lucas' house when we saw on SuperNanny how this daddy took his son out to a big soccer field to teach him how to ride. We both looked at each other and instantly loaded up my car with your bike and went down to Fisherman's Park. It was amazing watching you take off.

This coming Saturday you will receive your First Communion. You are going to look so beautiful in your white dress. I still remember mine like it was yesterday. I hope your day is as special as mine was many many moons ago.

You are getting so big, my love. You are definitely not my little baby anymore because I cannot carry you to your bed when you fall asleep in the car. But you are still my baby and treasure these days because soon enough the doll house and play-kitchen in your room will no longer be awesome. But when that time comes, I hope you still enjoy my company and my hugs. I pray that when that time comes you are strong, kind, giving, and confident. I hope you trust me and like me.

I love you Sweet Girl. I miss you when you are gone and I think about you always.

Love, Momma

Principe Azul

2010-04-07T09:01:00.000-07:00

Big T,

You amaze me every day and when I am in the middle of one of my pity parties, I look at you and you make everything alright. You make the sky bluer, the jokes funnier, the air lighter.

You are only a few months past your second birthday and you are quite the chatter box. You say things like Scuse me, Peeese, Wawaaa, get back, I wanna eat, I wanna inside, lots of "I wanna", lions and tigers are 'Roars', cows and horses are 'Moomoos', etc. It's endless but the fact that you are putting sentences together blows my mind. You look like a little man and are losing all your baby features. It is just amazing how big you have gotten. You are animated and funny and still so very sweet. You are a true delight and I thank God everyday that he sent you to us to make life so much happier.

Momma loves you forever.

Tio Chapo

2010-03-11T10:23:00.001-08:00

I have been very blessed to have attended very few funerals in my life. Actually, I had never lost a relative that I loved so much until a few weeks ago. I know my pain cannot compare to that of my Tio Chapo's children, 23 grandchildren, 20 great-grandchildren, my Tia Nacha, or his siblings' pain but it was surreal and quite devastating.

I have been approximately 600 miles away from him for the last 14 years, oblivious to how difficult his life had become because of his cancer. I was at a safe distance visiting him whenever I went back home, talking occasionally on the phone, sharing a few laughs. And honestly in the last year or so I was just in denial, refusing to let myself dwell on the possibility of losing him. I saw him last year at a family function and I couldn't help but run outside and cry like I hadn't cried in a very long time after I saw how frail he was.

See, let me tell you about this man and his family.... Tio Chapo was the epitome of strength. My entire life he had been the one who both my mother and father looked to for advice and wisdom and help of any kind. He taught my dad everything he now knows about mechanics and diesel engines. The extent of my dad's mechanical knowledge before my Tio was how to change the chain on a ten-speed. I do not think my Tio ever, ever said no. Whether it was for advice or help, he never turned his back on my parents or our family.

You would pull up to his house and would be overcome with a sense of calm and home. You would walk in and find him in the kitchen sitting in his favorite chair by the window while my Tia walked around cooking something delicious. As silly as this sounds, their phone number and address is something I have always had memorized since I was very little just in case...just in case. They are the closest I ever got to grandparents and I am lucky that I at least had them. His voice resonated and even now I cannot get it out of my head. His presence in a room even when he was very frail in his final years was impossible to ignore. So to see him that day at the party so frail and thin and using a cane, I was devastated and shocked because that is not the image of him I have in my head. In my mind, my Tio Chapo is and will always be that jolly, large, and strong man with the thunderous voice and silly sense of humor just like in my favorite picture where I am a baby and I have fallen asleep on his Santa belly. Every time my dad's phone rings, I will anxiously wait to hear him say "Que paso Compadre?". When I go back home to visit, there won't be that warm welcome when I walk into that kitchen.

While we were sitting at the rosary, I looked around to see the funeral home just bursting at the seams with people. Family alone took up most of the room but all the other people that knew and loved him were there too and I started to think how differently we all must feel to lose him. I wondered how much different my sorrow was compared to that of one of his old friends or compared to one of my younger 2nd or 3rd cousins who didn't know him as well or as long as the rest of us. I wondered what kind of sorrow my dad would feel now that he had lost truly his best and only friend.

I know we all felt something different but this entry is for me. This entry is so that I can finally allow myself to mourn. It is to allow myself to be sad at random moments in the day when I think of him and hear his voice in my head and realize that I'll never hear it again.

Gracias Tio Chapo

The dreaded day

2009-12-15T07:37:00.000-08:00

December 14, 2009

Julie Pie,

December 13, 2009- You asked your dad why momma and daddy got a divorce.

You had asked once or twice before about parents ‘separating’ but I had never heard you say the word ‘divorce’. I sure wasn’t going to ask you if you had ever heard the word. I honestly wasn’t sure if the day would come when you would ask. I didn’t think you knew any different or remembered enough of us as a family to ever really miss how it once was.

But if you are now reading this, it must be because you are old enough to want a more detailed explanation. I am sure that throughout your life, we will have these conversations many times and as you get older, I will share more and more details. You must want to know what your dad and I were like when we first met and got married and brought you into this world. You must want to know what went wrong.

Here are some basic truths, some facts just to get us started:
Your dad was not and is not a bad person.
He was a good provider, a wonderful father, and a good person.
I filed for divorce. I made the choice for all of us.

I do not want to play the victim, honey. Your daddy never did anything intentionally to hurt me. Your dad didn’t neglect his responsibilities, he wasn’t a cheater, drunk, or wife-beater. But throughout the years we had been together I had taught him how to treat me. What that means is that I allowed and/or accepted a lot of things your dad did instead of voicing my opinion or objecting. I justified a lot choices he made when deep down inside, I wasn’t happy with them. A lot of choices your dad made made me feel like I wasn’t special, like I wasn’t number 1 on his list of priorities. I was passive while he was passive-aggressive. So I am the one to blame because I kept it all in for so long that when I was finally overflowing with resentment, it was too late. I had so much resentment saved up inside of me that it had slowly chipped away at the love I had for him. I have this image in my head of a glass filled with love then you start pouring resentment into in and the love starts spilling out until there is no more left and not only is the cup full of only resentment but it’s now overflowing.

These reasons may not seem significant to you. You may be angry and think that I was selfish and that I messed everything up. I understand. My mom always told me when she fought with my dad that one day I would be married and that I would understand how you could be so angry and dislike so much the one person you once loved like crazy and she was right. My mistake was to be so passive for so long. For always agreeing with how he wanted to do things, for trying to be more like he wanted me to be, for being silent just so that all of his and my family would be happy with us. Some day I can tell you all the little things I carry in my heart that led me to so much resentment, honey. I won’t tell you now because it is not my intention to place blame on him or make him look like the bad guy. He wasn’t. He isn’t. I was just playing the martyr and I am not sure why.

When everything started to fall apart I wished so bad that I could put it all back together. I wished so bad that I could magically make myself FEEL better, make myself just ignore what was bothering me, and make myself just be madly in love and happy. Just for your sake, I wanted so badly to not feel the way I did. But I couldn’t. We were both just two different people at that point. I knew I could just stay married to daddy for your sake like so many people do sometimes but I was afraid that it may do more harm than good. I was afraid that you would learn from our example that it was ok to be in an unhappy marriage. I was afraid you would learn that it was ok to not have a voice in a marriage and that even if I changed and started to speak up, that if he wasn’t willing to accept me with a voice, that it would just result in screaming and ugliness. I didn’t want you to see sadness in my eyes ever.

Julianne, divorcing daddy was THEE hardest and saddest thing I have done in my life. And it was hard because of you. It was hard because I was sooooo scared about how you would be affected. I have always carried tremendous guilt for doing this to you and to him. Although it took both him and I to make things bad, I have always blamed myself. I feel like I was a dog tied up in the backyard that just wanted to cut that chain and run away and be free. And I was a wreck during and after the whole ordeal and it would make me so sad that I hoped and prayed that you wouldn’t see the sadness in my eyes. I love you so much and would give my life for you that often I would wonder why I hadn’t… staying with your daddy might have been like giving up my life and my soul and maybe I should have for you. Wondering if I made the right choice will haunt me forever because I don’t know if staying would have caused you more harm. I’ll never know but I weighed the pros and cons heavily. It was not a decision I made lightly or on a whim or as a gut reaction. And in the end I made the decision with conviction because I thought it was what was best for you and for me and even for dad.

When daddy moved out, you were still so little and I wondered how much you really grasped about what was going on. I was never sure if you really had any recollection of him and I as a couple. But I have always felt peace knowing that at least both you and I are sooooooo lucky that he is such a good daddy. He lives and breathes just for you, Julie. He always has since the day you were born. As of right now, he gladly drives back and forth between South Austin, San Marcos, and Bastrop for you. He tends to you like only most mommies do. There are so many kids out there whose dad moves out and then visits just once in a while but daddy tends to you like I do. He cooks your dinner, washes you little clothes, takes you to doctor appointments. We go to all your functions and go together to your teacher conferences. We share a special connection, a special passion, and that is YOU. We would do anything for you, J, and we both love you more than anything in the world. I respect your dad. I care for your dad. I love him and Jo and all of daddy’s family for loving you as much as they do.

I hope that throughout the years our love is enough to make up for everything else that is missing in your life because of our divorce. I hope that the scars my decisions created are minimal and that all the good that has come out of this outweighs the bad. Your life is now filled with an extended family on both sides that love you dearly. You have two stepparents that are there for you 100% and that love you very much. And I pray and hope that I have been able to show you what a strong relationship full of love and respect looks like.

I love you forever.

Momma

Sarah and Oprah

2009-11-19T11:21:00.001-08:00

"You can have it all, just not at the same time."

Small glass of water

2009-10-20T13:41:00.000-07:00

Sometimes my life is so hectic and I have so many things on my mental to-do list that I feel like I am drowning in my own little glass of water. I get angry at the circumstances and the hurdles I'm having to leap over. I try to think of the women I most look up to and that they have in their own difficult times carried heavier burdens on their shoulders as mothers and wives. I try to remind myself that the stress, fear, exhaustion, and frustration I am experiencing is being felt by thousands of women over the world. Yet at times I can't help the urge to just fade away.

I can close my eyes for a moment and just envision myself floating. Floating away like a balloon that eventually disintegrates and becomes dust. But it makes me sad that I am not as strong as my heroes; that I don't have my own garden, join the PTA, and parent my children all alone while my husband works away for days at a time. These women have been through so much more and yet here I am, constantly feeling the weight of unhappiness, anxiety that consumes me, incessantly whining to the point that even I cannot stand the sound of my own voice. Instead I should feel blessed and alive and willing to take on more and give more of myself to others instead of perpetrating this feeling of helplessness. Here I am, getting by one day at a time and drowning in my small glass of water.

2009-09-09T09:35:00.000-07:00

Big T,

I know it's not your birthday or any other monumental day (other than the day they release the Beatles Rock Band and all their remastered albums), but I wanted to tell you how wonderful you are. I know I am a bit biased and I am sure every mother thinks their child is cuter and smarter than the others but I think you are wonderful.

Yesterday you came up to me and put a tiny little flower in my hair that you took from the planters on the front porch. I just melted. Yesterday you also starting shrugging your shoulders as if to say "I dont know". Too funny. You have the cutest personality. You finally give the best hugs and kisses. You say "wasat" (what's that), "ouside" (outside), "mo" (more), and you sign 'more' and 'please'. I am sure you sign a few other things but I have no idea since I dont know sign language. :) You want to be so helpful and you take direction so well. It blows our mind that you actually understand everything we ask of you.

I love you Big T. You have that second ugly molar coming in and I know it's driving you crazy. I hope all our hugs and kisses make it just a little bit better. Just wanted to tell you how much I love you.

Momma

Relational Aggression-look it up

2009-09-02T13:03:00.001-07:00

I need to get this off my chest. I need to say out loud that bullies suck. There is this tiny little spot in my heart that weighs just a bit more than the rest. In it is ... well, i guess it's sadness, hurt feelings. Sadness brought on by years of girls just being downright mean. And you know, now looking back I realize that the one and only thing in common with every threat, ugly glance, silent treatment, my car getting keyed over and over, or nasty rumor was a boy. Some ridiculous, ugly-ass boy that in the end was worth nothing to any of us anyway. Whether it was because I was friends with a certain boy or because someone assumed their boyfriend wanted me or because they desperately wanted my boyfriend and couldn't have him. Whatever. And of course, if one girl doesn't like you, that means the other 10 in their little 'clique' doesn't like you either.

I know, I know...some of you, especially the boys will think this topic is RIDICULOUS and SOOOO 'high school' and it is but it is during high school that we as girls are building our self-esteem, are living dramatic broken hearts, and establishing friendships so no matter how stupid it all seems, I know it is important. And I know it will be important for me to be very in tune with Julianne and what is going on in her life. I want Julianne to have tougher skin than I did and realize that there are girls out there that will be driven by envy to say and do very mean things. I want her to know that she will have our support and will be there to defend her when she wants us to. (Like she said in kindergarten, "My stepdad will kill you!") I want her to never have to apologize for being prettier or smarter or happier or nicer.

So now being old and wise (and brave), i took it upon myself to reach out to a few of those people that I hadn't spoken to in years or ever because I thought they didn't like me. I figured I would reach out and hopefully feel better and I do. I wasn't losing sleep over lost friendships for the last 15 years but it still made me sad to know we shared mutual friends but didn't speak to each other. It sure feels good to have them in my life now and hopefully they take the time to get to know who I am and like me now that there are no boys in the way. ;)

I'm not the sweetest person you'll ever meet,I've never been super popular or gone out of my way to make friends but if we are friends, you will always hear the truth when you ask for it. I will try to help you see the light at the end of the tunnel. I will not hide my faults from you. I will never envy you and if I do, I'll tell you cuz I have nothing to hide. The nicest thing anyone ever called me was 'genuine' and i liked that.

(There are still a few people I cant bring myself to reach out to cuz they were just way too mean, but I know resentment is toxic so one day I will be ready to do it. One day.)

Pheeeewwwww I feel a lot better. I have everything and I'm blessed.

He got married

2009-07-28T12:13:00.000-07:00

My baby brother got married last week. His new wife is quiet and unassuming and has changed my brother in ways unimaginable. She has facilitated making some of his dreams a reality, she has supported him in his tough times, believed in him, and embraced him with his faults. He is a different person with her. He is a little sweeter and 'a lot of bit' happier.

Anytime anyone tells me they are going to get married, especially anyone as young as Edgar and Alyssa, my gut instinct is to REALLY worry for them yet I really felt at peace for them. I still am not completely sure why. Maybe it's because their relationship is stronger than many I have ever seen and they really need and want one another and do not waste energy worrying about what everyone else wants for them or thinks is wrong or right.

Do I have any advice for them? Of course I do. Don't I always have advice for everyone?! But it's not anything other wiser married people haven't said before.

Always have a voice and do not be passive. Avoiding conflict just leads to resentment that kills the love. You start to despise the person you once married and it's not even their fault if you chose to bottle everything up.
Listen. Sometimes we just want the space to be mad, sad, grumpy, excited, or nervous. Don't over-analyze it, try to fix it, or kill the moment. Both men and women have worries, fears, insecurities.
Don't let the honeymoon phase end. Soon the children will come and you will be exhausted and busy and bombarded with routines, schedules, and responsibilities but don't forget to be in love or you will just end up feeling like roommates.
Nagging isn't nagging. It's just a friendly reminder when you need a little push in the right direction whether it be about chores or big stuff like finances. Sometimes we get lazy about leaving our shoes all over the house or spending too much at the mall and we need a little reminder that we are a team working towards the same goal and we both need to contribute equally and be on the same page in order to succeed.

I could go on forever...of course, but I do not know what their relationship dynamic is really like. All I know is that I want them to be as happy and in love as I am.

Love you baby bro! Love you Alyssa. Thank you for marrying Edgar and his entire overbearing nutty family. :)

2009-07-14T12:25:00.000-07:00

Sometimes in the morning when shadows are deep,

I lie here beside you, just watching you sleep,

and sometimes I whisper what I'm thinking of,

my cup runneth over with love.

Sometimes in the ev'ning when you do not see,

I study the small things you do constantly,

I memorize moments that I'm fondest of,

my cup runneth over with love.

In only a moment, we both will be old,

we won't even notice the world turning cold,

and so in this moment with sunlight above,

my cup runneth over with love.

I heard the phrase 'my cup runneth over' in the movie Hope Floats and it is a perfect way of describing how my heart feels when things are ok in my world. My heart feels so filled with happiness that I feel it is overflowing, that maybe it could stretch to its limits.

In this moment, my cup runneth over with love.

Your 7th birthday

2009-06-08T07:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Julie Pie,

Sometimes I get so sad because you're growing up so very fast and although you are right there next to me, I feel like you are miles and miles away. I question myself and wonder if I really know who you are and who you will become. I think it is just because I get so caught up and busy in our day to day routine that I think I'm letting precious moments just slip on by and the guilt consumes me. And now as I say all this out loud, I realize that in the past we had so many special moments and I felt so connected to you because well....we really were VERY connected back then, connected at the hip. 'Back then' I didn't have to share you, 'back then' you didn't have to share me either, 'back then' we were together every second of every day. But honestly, regardless of the circumstances, I think this new dynamic to our relationship would have been inevitable so I try hard not to beat myself up too much. It's inevitable that you would grow up and mature and create new relationships and gain independence. It's inevitable that one day I will be just "Mom" and no longer "Momma".

You just finished the first grade. Just like kindergarten, starting off first grade was a little rough and worrisome. You were a bit behind the other kids with your reading and once again, you worked at a slower pace completing your classwork than everyone else. I think after two years of this and a variety of tests, I am comfortable knowing that you are absolutely perfect and intelligent and not only are you a perfectionist, but you are easily bored. And not only that, we have accepted that every school year will start off the same taking into consideration that you will always be the youngest one in your class. Some of your classmates have been 7 since last fall while you had to wait until this summer. We have hopefully taught you this year that we want you just to do your best and not be afraid to try. We want you to know that as long as you have honestly tried, we do not expect perfection.

You excelled in math and art this year. Ms Jimenez would assign a few pages of math on Mondays that wouldn't be due until Friday and more often than not, you would zoom right through it in one sitting. It was amazing how easily your grasped math. You also brought home some of the most amazing artwork and even was chosen as a finalist in a local art contest.

You're growing leaps and bounds, Julie Pie. You're a little lady now and you continue to be radiant and gorgeous. You are sweet and caring and Tyler couldn't be more in love with you. You make him feel safe and happy and he looks for you when you are not here. I love you, sweet pea. You make me proud and make my heart whole. I look at you and constantly pray and hope that you grow up to feel strong and confident.

I want you to be a leader and not a follower. I want you to be aware of what you are worth and never be surprised when you discover that you've made an impression on someone. I want you to have thick skin to the envy and immaturity that is lurking right around the corner. I want you to know without a doubt that you belong to a family that loves you and supports you. I want you to know without a doubt where your soft place to fall is....always in my arms and in my heart.

Love,

Momma

P.S. Tell those two front teeth to hurry up!

The Battle of Greener Grass

2009-05-20T13:17:00.001-07:00

I am having trouble figuring out how I define my success so bare with me as I talk myself straight into some clarity.

It is an issue that causes me great conflict and tremendous guilt. I always believed I was destined for greatness.... now I am not sure if I achieved it or if it is yet to come. And the fact that this is actually on my mind makes me feel ashamed because I should feel grateful for the blessings that I do have instead of wondering if the grass is greener on the other side. I should appreciate every day I live instead of trying to meet an expectation or a timeline.

My husband adores me and my children are healthy and beautiful. I have not suffered great pain in my life. My parents are still married to each other and are healthy and alive. My siblings are successful in their own lives and have given me a beautiful niece, nephew, and wonderful 'in-laws'. I have a roof over my head and a vehicle that gets me from point A to B. I have some of the things that others wish they had. So what is missing? Which little basket is still empty?

Relationship basket: CHECK; I have a wonderful, hard working, supportive, and very handsome husband.
Children basket: CHECK; two beautiful children
Home basket: CHECK; bought and sold a few
Degree basket: CHECK; took forever but I finished!
Career basket: BLAH!
Finances basket: YUCK!

Career and finance. Can those just not fit in the category of blessings from God? Yes, I know. Money cannot buy you love and happiness. I'm just frustrated. I'm frustrated with 'getting by', 'surviving another 8 hours in the cubicle', the prospect of filing, looking at these numbers day in and day out, looking at the scale day in and day out.

So here it is, here is how I'm going to see it.... I am just a few hops and skips away from the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and just because I'm 34 doesn't mean I don’t have enough steam in me to take those last few steps. What's in my future? Making the most out of this real estate opportunity and my husband's new company. Finally being financially comfortable to be able to take a sigh of relief and be available for my family. Being so satisfied in my career that I can be excited to get out of bed every morning.

That is where I am headed. Greatness.