The Elevator

Wednesday

2014-02-12T11:10:00.003-08:00

Sam Harris,
alias Barack Obama

I met Sam Harris today. Every time I meet him I wonder if he’s not actually the real president, Obama. And every time, he gives me the same answer “No, I’m not him!”

I bet he is annoyed by people asking to take pictures with him.

Well, actually I think he enjoys this coincidence. I mean if I would look like Vladimir Putin and the KFC employee would give me a free meal saying “Thank you for your visit, Mr. President”, I’ll reply smiling “God Bless America!”.

With a fake Russian accent, of course.

Tuesday

2014-02-11T08:37:00.000-08:00

Tom Nollie

I met Tom Nollie this evening. I feel safe knowing I have a cop as my neighbor. Even if he’s just an actor performing a police officer role in a TV show, seeing dressed in his uniform makes me feel secure. For sure they have some law enforcement consultants on the movie crew to teach him how to act as a real cop, so he can always catch the criminals. I suppose the bad guys are always locked up in jails at the end of the movie because they don’t have some bad guys as consultants. That’s not fair!

Monday Evening

2014-02-10T11:30:00.000-08:00

Bernie

This evening I met Bernie. He’s a war veteran. He looks like a tough guy to me. I think if Chuck Norris has a father, for sure is Bernie.

Every time I say “Hello” to him he is just looking at me and snarls. He makes some strange noise from his throat and I don’t know if he responds to me or it’s just his breathing very noisy.

I’m confused, so I continue talking, just to be sure: “Yeah, really hard times!”

He continues to mumble and I just shake my head approvingly.

I don’t wanna mess with Bernie.

Monday Morning

2014-02-10T05:39:00.003-08:00

The Zero Add

Today I saw this on the advertising panel on the elevator wall. I’m glad that finally the scientists found the secret ingredient to make Coke better: Zero. For sure that’s the start for mass production of marvelous things with this awesome ingredient.

“Are you hungry? Have an Zero Burger and get Zero Coke for Free!”

“I used this Zero face cream for one week and my skin looks younger”

Why not? Zero is natural and environmental harmless.

We have to put some value on Zero and treat it with respect!

Sunday Afternoon

2014-02-09T03:52:00.001-08:00

Cindy

Cindy is a cashier at the corner shop.

She pretends she speaks poor English, and that’s why we don’t have any dialogue when we meet.

But I’m sure that the real reason why she is so quiet, is because she’s thinking all the time how to steal the money from the store and run away.

Cashiers are dangerous people. They deal with a lot of money and I bet they’re always thinking how to get it. For any reason. Feel sad? Rob the store and get some shoes. Feel happy? Just rob the shop and go to Disneyland!

Sunday Morning

2014-02-09T02:41:00.000-08:00

Debbie

Today I met Debbie. Every time I say “Hey Debbie” I receive a middle finger as a response from her.

I like kids. They are innocent and funny, but something is wrong with Debbie.
I think she is evil! I bet all her dolls are decapitated or amputated. Last time when I met her she had a little moustache, but for sure her mother shaved her to look like a normal kid.
Girls like Debbie have inspired a lot of horror movies with evil teenagers. She’s terrifying me more than the twins from The Shining.

Saturday Morning

2014-02-08T03:42:00.002-08:00

Vinnie

I have met Vinnie again this morning. He came back a little drunk from a party.

“I realized I like girls with exotic names.” he said. “That means they have really cool parents. Imagine a family with two kids named Billy Bob and Johnny. Boring! But imagine now their neighbors with two daughters: Jupiter and Sahara. Which one is cooler?”

“I think you are right. For sure Jupiter and Sahara would have a funny childhood.”

Sometimes Vinnie surprise me with his ideas.

Even if his second name is Bucky.

Friday Afternoon

2014-02-07T06:55:00.000-08:00

Sven

Sven is the Swedish guy who lives on 5^th floor.

Even if it is cold outside, we all can see his Snake tattooed on his shoulder because he’s wearing only a shirt, slacks and sport shoes. I like his tattoo. It has shining colors and some strange spines around.

I’m sure he loves things starting with an S: Sleeping, Starbucks, Smoking, Strawberries, Sugar, Steak, Sushi, Soda, Simpsons, Skittles, Seinfeld, Sex, Smart Supermodels, Socialism and so on.

Stupid Snake.

Now I’m obsessed by things I like too!

Friday - Early Morning

2014-02-07T00:13:00.000-08:00

Otto Strauss

This morning at 6 am I came back from a party. Otto, our building intendant was trying to clean a small swastika graffiti on the elevator mirror.

“Damn punks!” he said with his German accent.

“Maybe was a Tibetan monk who tried to attract good luck in our building” I replied smiling

I have never understood racist people. I mean they also hate black cats because they are black, right? Chinese food because it is made by Chinese? For sure they don’t eat bananas because these are coming from Africa!

Wednesday Morning

2014-02-05T06:24:00.001-08:00

Rob Baker

Rob Baker is an airplane pilot. Today he was looking very tired. He must have been back from a night flight.

“Long trip?” I asked.

“Amsterdam…”

Suddenly the elevator stopped between floors. Rob pushed the button for his floor once, twice… ten times. After, he pushed all the buttons, randomly. I really hope he’s not doing the same thing if one of the buttons from the airplane is not responding at the first push.
Elevator starts after few seconds.

“Damn buttons!” he said

“Yeah, dangerous!” I replied.

Tuesday

2014-02-04T15:54:00.001-08:00

Jennifer

Today I have found my courage to speak with Jennifer.

“I wonder why when you come from gym you take the elevator and not go up the stairs. That is a real exercise!”

She looked at me surprised for few moments.

“Because I am tired when I come FROM the gym.”

“Then why don’t you get the stairs BEFORE you go to the gym?”

“I don’t wanna go tired TO the gym!”

“But why don’t you just make less exercises on the gym?”

The elevator’s doors opened. She left without any answer, but I’m sure she’s searching for one.

Monday Morning

2014-02-04T13:34:00.003-08:00

Vinnie

Vinnie lives on the 2nd floor in my building and I usually meet him on the morning.

"Guess what?" he said. "Last night I had a blind date with a gorgeous girl from New York."

"And how was it? Something serious or just some fun?" I asked, being sure weird things will come.

“After few drinks she started to tell me that when she was a student she went with the class to visit a firefighter station, and that guys had a striptease aluminium bar right in the middle of their garage!”

“Yeah. That’s Pervert!”

Monday Morning

2014-02-04T08:33:00.003-08:00

Mr. Smith

Mr. Smith is a teacher and he is obsessed with conspiracy theories.
This morning I met him again:
“Have you noticed that the word populate is a lot similar with copulate?” he whispered in my ear

“I have never noticed that!” I replied after few moments.
“O, yes! Everything is a part of Their plan!”

“What about sex and sexual? Maybe is there any hidden message like Sex-You-All?” I asked.

“You are watching too much porn, kid!” he replied very serious. He left the elevator without any further comments.