Teaching the Thomas Family

Why we SHOULD care

2016-07-30T16:22:00.001-06:00

I've been struggling with whether or not to write something about this. I hesitate because, as with anything written, it is difficult to convey intent and emotion. I do not want what I say to be misconstrued, but it is something I feel strongly about.

A couple of weeks ago, I posted on Facebook about California's Board of Education unanimously voting to add LGBT history to their school's curriculum. Reading about it made me sick to my stomach, and that's what I put on Facebook. Unfortunately, at the time I did not do a very good job of articulating why I felt the way that I did. I ended up deleting the post because I did not want to respond to people's comments without thinking through how I wanted to respond in a way that would convey how I felt about the situation.

Before I begin, I want to make it abundantly clear how much love I have for those in the LBQT community. Everyone has their different trials and challenges in this life. No matter what decisions we make, we never deserve to be bullied, put down, or mistreated. We are all children of God, and we all deserve to be treated with respect and courtesy. I have many good friends who struggle with same-sex attraction, some with whom I discuss this topic frequently. I have so much love and respect for those who are doing their best in this life to follow God's commandments, and I weep with those who feel the emptiness that comes from not following His laws. I have blogged in the past about these topics here and here.

That having been said, I absolutely cannot stand by silent while some people's decisions take away the agency of others. There seems to be a common attitude, becoming increasingly prevalent in society, that unless you agree with me completely or allow me to do whatever I want, then you are disrespecting me. There is a vast difference between feeling disrespected and actually being treated with disrespect.

I am extremely concerned with the direction the laws in our country are going with regards to tolerance and inclusion. It seems as though the "rights" (which are, in fact, not rights) that are being demanded by some are taking away the real rights of those who do not agree with them. One example of this is a bakery that was sued and forced to pay a fine because they did not want to make a wedding cake for a homosexual marriage because it went against their beliefs. Now, if this had been the only bakery in the country, then that couple's rights would be denied. If they weren't allowed to be served at all, then their rights would be denied. In fact, as I understand it, the bakery offered them a cake that did not have the wedding paraphernalia on it. But that wasn't good enough for this couple, who felt like they were being disrespected.

Another example is the judge who overturned Proposition 8 in spite of the majority voting for it. Once again, a minority that thought they were being disrespected were simply upset that their way wasn't accepted by everyone.

So with regards to California Board of Education unanimously deciding to promote LGBT history in the classroom in spite of the tens of thousands who wrote in to object, yes, it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I am sick of Satan winning. Because that is exactly what is happening here. Satan is slowly but surely getting people to idly stand by while a sin is deemed acceptable behavior in society. Truly, the ancient scripture prophecies are coming to pass in our day.

2 Nephi 26:22 And there are also secret combinations, even as in times of old, according to the combinations of the devil, for he is the founder of all these things; yea, the founder of murder, and works of darkness; yea, and he leadeth them by the neck with a flaxen cord, until he bindeth them with his strong cords forever.

Moses 7: 26 And he beheld Satan; and he had a great chain in his hand, and it veiled the whole face of the earth with darkness; and he looked up and laughed, and his angels rejoiced.

But why do I care? Why should we care? If we let our kids go to school, but then teach them the truth at home, then it shouldn't matter - it's the world's problem, not ours. Anyway, shouldn't we allow them to have their agency and decide what to choose? Who am I to tell them what they should or shouldn't do? If the world wants to teach incorrect principles in schools, how does that affect my family as long as I teach them the gospel at home?

If you look at it from a religious standpoint, don't those who have a testimony and truth have an obligation to share it with others? I'm not talking about forcing people to believe what we believe, but what about this situation: a child is raised in a non-believing home (atheist). They go to school where God isn't allowed to be mentioned, being taught by teachers and other trusted adults that sins such as fornication are normal, natural, and even right. Surrounded by all of that, very few will seek for truth later because they believe that they have it. Even if they do look for it, they could have been spared years of sorrow and sin. But people will argue that raising a child this way isn't harming the child, that it's in fact helping them be "rational" and "logical." But as believers, Colossians 1:26-28 talks about the importance of warning and teaching all men. How can I do that if I'm not standing up for what God says is wrong? If I say, "Well, it's wrong in God's eyes, but sure, why not let society think it's ok."

When we refuse to step up, when we won't say what is right and what God expects, we are taking away their agency to choose. In not sharing the gospel, our testimonies, the commandments, then we don't allow them to see another way. Yes, it must be done in loving ways, in non-judgmental ways. We must make clear that it is about the sin, not the person committing it. But when we testify of truth, the Spirit can enter, and they can be allowed to exercise their agency. Until they know what God expects of them, they cannot exercise their agency. Who are we to take away that right from them?

I've shared this before, but while in Puerto Rico in 2008 during the hype of Proposition 8 in California, we were visited by Elder David A. Bednar, one of the 12 Apostles of the Church. We were invited to have an open question-and-answer session with him, and someone asked why the Church was getting so heavily involved in the debate when usually they choose to stay out of politics. Elder Bednar said something that made a huge impact on me and I will never, ever forget it. He said, "We [meaning the First Presidency and the Twelve] are prophets and apostles. But we are not prophets and apostles for just the Mormon Church; rather, we are prophets and apostles for the entire world. We are the only men on earth with the authority of God to speak in His name. So if we will not stand up for righteousness and tell the world what God's laws are, who will?"

Please remember, every single person is our brother or sister. Every. Single. Person. We knew them in the pre-earth life. We were friends. We laughed together. We worshiped together. We shared our fears and dreams and desires of coming to Earth and returning to be together again. But now many of them are making decisions that put their eternal salvation in jeopardy. And not only theirs, but others' as well, by having society raise children to think that sins are not really sins. Like it says in 2 Nephi 2:8, "Wherefore, how great the importance to make these things known unto the inhabitants of the earth, that they may know that there is no flesh that can dwell in the presence of God, save it be through the merits, and mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah." Many of our brothers and sisters are kept from the truth because they "know not where to find it" and we must do "all in our power" to share the truth with them (D&C 123:12, 17).

Lest you think that this is all about LGBT and California, this pervasive, evil plan of Satan's is permeating every aspect of our society. In this election, there are some candidates that are teaching hatred, fear, and even racism. Though it may seem on the opposite end of the spectrum as the liberal agenda, they are really both of evil design. I am concerned about the amount of prejudice out there for people based solely on their religion, skin color, and sexual orientation.

Many recent decisions are putting us on a path that will put our religious freedom into jeopardy. Before you say I am overreacting, allow me to quote President Ezra Taft Benson in the October 1987 General Conference:

"How then can we best befriend the Constitution in this critical hour and secure the blessings of liberty and ensure the protection and guidance of our Father in Heaven? First and foremost, we must be righteous. . . . Two great American Christian civilizations — the Jaredites and the Nephites — were swept off this land because they did not “serve the God of the land, who is Jesus Christ” (Ether 2:12). What will become of our civilization?"

Many Saints feel as though religious freedoms won't every be denied. I imagine that many of the early Saints felt that way, until they were forced out of their homes by mobs.

Pastor Martin Niemöller, a Protestant pastor who spoke out against the Nazis, wrote this poem:

"First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Socialist.
Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out— Because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me."

As Uncle Screwtape says, in C.S. Lewis's classic book The Screwtape Letters:

"It does not matter how small the sins are provided that their cumulative effect is to edge the man away from the Light and out into the Nothing. Murder is no better than cards if cards can do the trick. Indeed the safest road to Hell is the gradual one--the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts."

“[M]an has been accustomed, ever since he was a boy, to having a dozen incompatible philosophies dancing about together inside his head. He doesn't think of doctrines as primarily "true" or "false," but as "academic" or "practical," "outworn" or "contemporary," "conventional" or "ruthless." Jargon, not argument, is your best ally in keeping him from the Church. Don't waste time trying to make him think that materialism is true! Make him think it is strong or stark or courageous—that it is the philosophy of the future. That's the sort of thing he cares about.”

There are so many more scriptures and quotes that I could cite, but I will simply end with this reminder of D&C 18.

"Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God; For, behold, the Lord your Redeemer suffered death in the flesh; wherefore he suffered the pain of all men, that all men might repent and come unto him."

If you would like to study this further, here are a few more resources.
"Our Reponsibility to Save the World" Delbert L. Stapley
"Why Every Member a Missionary" Elder Richard G. Scott
"Beyond Voting: Some Duties of the LDS Citizen"
"We Are All Enlisted" Elder Jeffrey R..Holland
"The Past Way of Facing the Future" Elder L. Tom Perry

Bridal Shower Game

2016-03-12T11:48:00.004-07:00

Etiquette 911

The Gist: Have guests answer extreme (read: hilarious) etiquette questions.

What to Prep: On index cards, write out a few wedding etiquette question – the more outrageous the better. Think of some nuptial nightmares like: What do you do if the best man sprays champagne all over the guests? If you accidentally knock into the wedding cake? If two bridesmaids get into a fight at the altar? If you see the groom's aunt stealing items from the gift table?

How to Play: Hand out one etiquette card to each guest and have her write down an honest response to the situation. Then, have the bridal party gather all the cards and read the questions and answers aloud.
Or, each guest submits their own idea and the bride picks one (similar to Apples to Apples).

Ideas for notecards:

The groom chokes on the wedding cak
Kids start opening all of the gifts
A kid throws up on the bride's dress
The bride falls into the water fountain at the temple during pictures
One of the people giving a toast starts telling an inappropriate story The mother of the groom is allergic to the wedding flowers
The church gym is accidentally double-booked for the stake young men basketball tournament
The sister of the bride goes into labor when her water breaks in the middle of the dance floor
The dropped ceiling falls down on the guests and the food table
The wrong cake is delivered
The wrong date is scheduled for the honeymoon hotel and there are no rooms left
Grandma trips and falls into the wedding cake
The bride's heel breaks during the first dance
A member of the wedding party passes out in the receiving line
An ex boy/girlfriend shows up and tries to stop the wedding

The Little Engine That Could

2016-01-31T16:04:00.000-07:00

This has been one of Lizzy's favorite books recently (making it one of my least favorite, for the moment). I think we have read it almost every day for months now. I ~~probably~~ can quote it, word-for-word, in my sleep.

We are all familiar with the message: sometimes we think we can't do things, but if we think that we can and we try, we will be able to succeed. It's a wonderful message about not giving up and trying to do hard things in spite of our own self-doubts.

It's struck me recently, however, that this book also mirrors the parable of the Good Samaritan a little bit. You may have already seen this (I can be a bit slow on the uptake sometimes), but there are several similarities between the engines that pass by the broken-down train and the three men who pass by the man who has been injured on the side of the road.

On my mission, I encountered the most amazing Ensign article about the parable of the Good Samaritan and how it goes much deeper than just helping our neighbors. It is actually the story of the Fall, the Atonement, and the Savior. You can read that article here; I won't be discussing it much, other than it showed me a whole new level of meaning which I have in turn applied to "The Little Engine That Could."

If you aren't familiar with the story (meaning you don't have kids and were never read to as a child), then let me summarize it for you. A train engine breaks down that was carrying toys, food, and treats to good boys and girls on the other side of the mountain. Three engines pass by (a new engine, a big engine, and an old engine) that all say they cannot pull the train. Finally, a small blue engine comes by. She has never been over the mountain, and she has never pulled such a large load. But she says, "I think I can" to herself, and she is able to pull the train up the mountain and down the other side to the good boys and girls there.

As I read about each of trains and the circumstances they find themselves in, I am struck by the similarities they have with our lives and the Good Samaritan. Each of us is like the original train. We are trying to bring things of value, our souls, to our Savior, who is on the other side of this life, which is a steep mountain to climb (see President Eyring's talk on this).

Occasionally, someone breaks down. Whether worn out from the foothills, tired from a heavy load, or broken down with parts not working, they are stuck. They cannot pull their train, with their precious cargo that is of infinite worth to Him on the other side of the mountain, on their own. Their cargo cries out to passers-by, "Please, won't you help me get Home to the other side of the mountain?"

The first three engines who come by each have their own excuse as to why they cannot pull the train. From the outside, each seems like a selfish, sorry reason. However, on closer examination, each train represents something that I know that I have said or done in the past.

The first train is a shiny, new engine. He has dining cars and sleeping cars - all of the latest and greatest of the trains. Throughout our loves, we will find ourselves in periods where we are the newest and "best." Graduating from high school or college, starting a new job, being a new parent, or receiving a new calling. Each time, we enter those new roles, we have the choice to do so with humility or with pride. When we enter with pride, we look down on those whonhave gone before or who are still there, in the "old ways." Some examples of this include new mother whose child is sleeping through the night and is proudly sharing how she caused it to happen, or a new employee who is certain that his new way of approaching a situation at work is the best way, or a new bishop who is convinced that all of the answers lie with revolutionizing and changing the entire ward (and does so without the Spirit). None of these things is necessarily bad - it is good to have new ideas or viewpoints. But when we trample over other views with our own in a self-righteous way, we are not helping them get over the mountain. We are pushing them back down.

I struggled with this at the beginning of my mission. I came out of the MTC on fire, ready to share the gospel. My trainer had certain ways of doing things that I felt like weren't matching up with Preach My Gospel. I thought that I knew better, and every time I disagreed with her, I would whip out PMG to show her where she was wrong and I was right. It caused a lot of contention, but I was convinced that I knew better. After all, I had just had the most updated training! It wasn't until my mission president called me in for an interview that I realized that being right wasn't right. He told me that it was more important to have the Spirit than to do the work the "right" way. I learned this over and over again on my mission: with companions, with members, and even after I came home and tried to tell my family what they were doing wrong and how they wouldn't make it to the Celestial Kingdom. (Bless my poor mother, who handled it so gracefully and patiently.) I was just like this first train, convinced that I was newer and better, and the best way to help others would be to show how well I could do what they didn't.

The second train was a big, strong train. He said that his loads were too big and too important to carry this other train's load. You would think, with all his strength, that he could easily take the time to help this poor, struggling engine with her heavy burdens that she couldn't pull. In the Church, we know that we have all been given different gifts that we need to use together. Paul teaches that we are all different members of the same body (1 Cor 12:12). We have strengths, and those were given to us to build up the Kingdom of God. Than means building up others. We are tild not to compare our weaknesses to others' strengths, but we also need to make sure we don't do the reverse. If we look disdainfully at those who can't match our strengths, then we leave them behind in the dust. We watch them struggle for help, and instead of using our gifts and talents to lovingly help them in their weaknesses, we scorn them and move on ahead, forgetting that soon we may break down, and they may need to help pull us.

Until I was diagnosed with a severe chronic illness, I used to not understand how people weren't able to push through their trials. I would almost smugly look at those who were a "burden" on the ward and think they were just lazy or unfaithful. It wasn't until I was right there with them that I realized how quick I was to judge without even realizing it. Instead of helping, I say, "Well, my loads are bigger than yours and I am pulling them just gine. Why can't you handle your smaller load with what you've got?" When I take it personally that someone is late to a meeting or isn't doing all of their responsibilities, that makes me just like this strong, big engine.

The last engine to refuse to help is probably the one we can all relate to the most: the old, tired engine who does not have enough energy to help get the broken down engine over the mountain. How often do we feel too busy, too tired, too overwhelmed to help when we are specifically aksed to help (let alone notice that they have broken down!)? It is so easy to get caught up in our busy lives. We feel like we are just barely keeping our heads above water, let alone have energy to pull another's load as well.

The interesting thing about this, though, is that unlike real trains, our spiritual loads and journey do not follow the laws of physics. The Savior said to take His yoke on us, for His is easier to bear than our own. What is the Savior's yoke? What was His greatest burden? It was taking upon Himself all of our burdens, our loads, in the Garden of Gethsemane. In fact, it was so arduous, that even He asked to not have to carry it, if it were at all possible. So if His yoke is to take up those yokes of others, and He tells us that it is lighter than our own, then stopping to pull another's train along with our own somehow will be lighter than just doing our own! Like I said, it is against the laws of physics, but it is made possible by our Savior's Atonement. Oh, if only that old, tired engine understood that by helping pull, he could receive the Savior's rest!

The last engine, the one who said yes, was the bravest engine of all. She was very little, and she had never been over the mountain before herslef, let alone with a heavy load. But when she heard of their need to get their valuable cargo Home, she said she would try. She told herself, "I think I can," and that was enouh for her. She didn't know she could, but she had both faith and a love for the cargo and those awaiting it on the other side. Alma 32 beautifully explains faith as a seed and tells us that even if we have no more than just a desire to believe, it can grow to be a strong tree. This little train did that, and she was able to bring not just herself, but another precious load to the other side successfully.

Doctrine and Covenants 19 says that if we can just bring but one soul to our Father, how great will be our joy with them in the Kingdom of our Father. So as we struggle with our loads, let us not be like the other engines. Instead, let us remember that ours and theirs together will be lighter than ours alone, and that we are promised rest and happiness on the other side of the mountain when we reach their together.

A Blanket and a Mask

2015-08-27T21:11:00.002-06:00

"If God exists, why does He allow so much evil?"

That is a question for the ages. It is asked in sorrow when we look upon a village ravaged by war and famine. It is yelled in anger as we helplessly watch horrendous things happen to others. It is asked in argument by people seeking to tear down those who believe in Christ. It is whispered in despair by believers who have faith but are struggling to make sense of atrocities that are shown on the news every day.

It is a valid question: if a loving Being who has all power exists, why does He allow evil to happen? Why doesn't He just take away the pain, the evil, the destruction? Why doesn't He protect us from the atrocities that occur? Why doesn't He remove war, disease, rape, hatred, and pain from the earth?

The answer is not a simple one, but I understood it better one morning with a blanket and a mask.

Our daughter Lizzy just turned two a month ago. She is so bright, and loves to talk. She is so much fun, so happy, and is so full of life and energy. She has a strong but sweet and loving personality. She can count to 10, say the beginning of her ABCs, has a better vocabulary than me, knows several shapes, and just loves to learn. She can often be found reading to her dolls and stuffed animals, which she loves to hug and kiss. She always has a smile and a hug, and she loves to help sweep and do chores. She loves Jesus and church and nursery. She loves to play the piano and sing, especially when it is church or Primary hymns.

Eight months ago, however, this wasn't quite the case. She was still her happy self, but her vocabulary wasn't developing as quickly as other kids, and she had a difficult time sleeping. After her third ear infection in four months, we were referred to a specialist who suggested we put tubes in her ears because they weren't draining properly. We scheduled the surgery, which was relatively simple, and we waited.

On the morning of, we awoke early to be at the surgical center at 6:30a. It was snowy, so Lizzy was bundled up and in her pajamas. They told us that she would probably be sleepy the rest of the day, even though she would only be under anesthesia for about 10 minutes. I brought toys, coloring books, and her favorite kitty to have while we waited. I was nervous for her because she had always been afraid of the doctor. Phillip gave her a blessing the night before that she wouldn't be scared the entire time and that she would feel comforted when she was scared.

I tried to explain to Lizzy as best as I could about what was going to happen, but how do you explain to an 18 month old exactly what was going to happen in a way that she could understand? She knew we were going to the doctor and that they were going to help her ears feel better, but that was about as much of the concept as she could grasp.

We went back into a surgical waiting area and changed clothes. Lizzy wore a hospital gown, and I put on a hair net and a cover so that I could go back with her until the anesthesia kicked in. She looked so small in that big gown on the big hospital crib.

As we waited for the procedure to begin, Lizzy laughed with the nurses, played with her toys, and colored. I was relieved that she was enjoying herself so much. She barely even fussed when they took her blood pressure and put a pulse ox on her toe (which in the past had always terrified her).

Eventually, they called us back to the surgical room. I walked slowly down the hall with the nurse, Lizzy in my arms. She was still laughing and giggling, but my heart was pounding with nervousness for her. I kept telling her that we were going to fix her ears now, and she was excited about that. I reminded her that it might be a little scary, but that I was going to stay with her the entire time.

The doctor and nurses were all gowned and masked, waiting for Lizzy. Because she was so little, they decided to swaddle her in a blanket, put an oxygen mask on her face to temporarily sedate her, and then insert the IV with more sedation that would be used during the surgery.

As I lay my precious baby on the table, I saw her eyes fill with fear. The nurses began swaddling her, pinning her arms to her sides. She started thrashing around, desperate to escape. It took two nurses to hold her down while I stroked her hair and sang softly to her, trying to calm her down and ease her fears. Her eyes desperately met mine and she started crying, "Mama! Mama!" She burst into terrified sobs at the sight of the mask coming towards her face, tears streaming down her cheeks as she looked at me in scared confusion.

Although it took less than a minute, the process of sedation felt as if it took hours. I felt helpless as I watched my tiny girl, but I knew that this surgery was the best thing for her. It would allow her to grow and develop, to not be in pain, and to ultimately be happier. It would all be over soon, and those few moments of fear and distress would be a thing of the past. But right then, those few moments felt like an eternity to her.

After several seconds of breathing the medicated oxygen, Lizzy peacefully fell asleep and I was asked to leave the room for the waiting area. I wanted to stay, but I knew that I couldn't. Instead, I left her in the capable hands of the doctor and nurses, knowing that soon I would be able to hold and comfort her for as long as she needed.

After about fifteen minutes, the nurse came to tell me that the surgery was over and that Lizzy was in recovery. I quickly went to her bed and found another nurse holding her in a rocking chair, feeding her a bottle of milk. I took my beautiful baby in my arms, and we cuddled for as long as she wanted. After a bit, she was ready to go home.

In the days and weeks that followed, Lizzy rapidly blossomed. Her vocabulary tripled in just a few days (along with her pronunciation), and she began sleeping through the night and during naps. She no longer pulled on her ears, and she became even more vibrant and alive than she had been before. I am so grateful we made that decision, because it helped her realize her full potential.

As we see the horrors that occur in this life, we often do not realize that this life is not all. Elder Boyd K. Packer teaches that we are merely in the second part of a three act play:

"There are three parts to the plan. You are in the second or the middle part, the one in which you will be tested by temptation, by trials, perhaps by tragedy…. Remember this! The line “And they all lived happily ever after” is never written into the second act [of the play]. That line belongs in the third act, when the mysteries are solved and everything is put right… Until you have a broad perspective of the eternal nature of [the plan], you won’t make sense out of the inequities in life. Some are born with so little and others with so much. Some are born in poverty, with handicaps, with pain, with suffering. Some experience premature death, even innocent children. There are brutal, unforgiving forces of nature and the brutality of man to man. We have seen a lot of that recently. Do not suppose that God willfully causes that which, for His own purposes, he permits. When you know the plan and the purpose of it all, even these things will manifest a loving Father in Heaven."

In the first act, we lived God in Heaven. We did not have bodies, and we were not like Him. The only way for us to grow and develop into reaching our full potential was to come to earth, to gain a body and to be tested in order to grow. God gave us agency so that we could choose for ourselves just how far we would develop. Like I did with Lizzy, our loving Father sat down with us and explained this life to us. He told us it would be hard, and He showed us exactly what we would pass through. He also gave us a glimpse into the third act and explained all of the magnificent things we could become if we did well on earth.

In the end, God did not make the decision for us. Our agency began before we were even born. He showed us the good and the bad, and He let us decide if we wanted to follow His plan to be like Him. Most of us chose His plan, even though we knew it would be hard. The scriptures tell us that "shouted for joy" at the thought of coming to earth. We knew that the hard parts would be worth all that we could gain, and we were excited to do it.

When Lizzy was on that table, she forgot about everything I had told her about the good that would come from the surgery. Similarly, on this earth, we don't have have memories of God's explanation. That is part of the test: to grow and develop our faith and our relationship with God. We have been given "doctors" and "nurses" to be with us during this surgery to remove our imperfections. Tools such as the light of Christ, prophets, and especially the Holy Ghost help us succeed in this life in growing as much as we possibly can. However, we must be deliberate in seeking for those tools and listening to them.

I sat and comforted Lizzy as best as I could by stroking her hair and singing to her, but the fear was overwhelming and drowned out my efforts. It is so easy in this life to allow our fears and sorrows to block our ability to feel our Heavenly Father's love. Sin, anger, despair, and heartache can be tools in the hands of the devil to keep us from being able to feel "hugs" from our Heavenly Father.

In these times, we beg our Father in Heaven to stop the pain and sorrow. We ask Him to alleviate the suffering, because in our spiritual youth, we cannot remember our commitments or the glory that awaits us. However, our Father does remember. He promised us that He would do all that He could to bring us back to Him, just like I have promised Lizzy to always love her and take care of her. So in spite of our pleadings, sometimes it is necessary for God to allow evil things to happen in the world: because we asked him to do so. We told Him we would do anything to be able to return to Him, and He is keeping His part of the promise by leading us back to Him, even when that path is hard and difficult. It may seem like forever to us, but to Him (and to us one day), it will just be a brief moment in eternity. "Almost there. Almost done. Just hang on for a little bit longer. It will all be over soon," He seems to tell us.

And when this is all over, when we have gone through the hard part and come out of the sedation of the mortal world and the veil of forgetfulness, He will be waiting for us. He will hold us and comfort us for as long as we need. Then, if we were faithful in this life, we will move forward together, reaching our full potential as sons and daughters of God, the most powerful Being in the universe. This life of sorrow and heartache will be like a distant bad memory, overshadowed by the pure joy and happiness that will come from living with our Heavenly Father.

So hang in there. When we see evil and we want to give up in despair, just hang on. Listen for the peace and reassurance of the Holy Ghost, whispering words of comfort to our souls. Because we are not alone, and we have Someone watching over us who loves us. There is a purpose to all of this, and if we remain steady and faithful, all of these sorrows will be swallowed up in the Savior and His Atonement, and we can know that one day, we will have a fulness of joy and peace.

FHE Lesson of Nephi

2015-05-11T13:10:00.000-06:00

Does anyone remember the old-school flannel board lessons that we used as kids for FHE and Primary? They were so great! I found links to the them on Pinterest, but they weren't as interactive as I remembered. They were basically just pictures from the illustrated scriptures every LDS family had, then laminated with velcro stuck on the back.

I wanted to make some FHE lessons that were a bit more involved for the family members. I searched everywhere, but could only find a few resources that were what I wanted.

This website, the Red Headed Hostess, has paper dolls and backgrounds that are amazing! They require a lot of work, though, to print out each piece (hair, clothes, etc.), but you can tailor them for each story.

Then this website, My Heart Vine, took the Red Headed Hostess's paper dolls and made some specifically for 1 Nephi, which is what I printed, colored, and laminated. (I absolutely LOVE my laminator that my husband got me for Christmas last year!) The links on her website for the printables don't work (they aren't free), so she also has them at her other website here.

Here are my final products. I am pretty proud of them!

20 Parenting Tips from a Prophet (printable)

2015-05-10T20:34:00.001-06:00

Today in Relief Society, our lesson was from chapter 15 of the Ezra Taft Benson manual, "The Sacred Callings of Fathers and Mothers." As part of the lesson, President Benson gives twenty specific ways that mothers and fathers can magnify their callings as parents: ten for fathers and ten for mothers.

I love lists. I would have been an amazing Pharisee: How many footsteps am I allowed to take on the Sabbath? What am I allowed to eat or not eat? What is the proper procedure for being cleansed from my sins? Seriously, the Law of Moses would have been a piece of cake!

The ambiguous statements like "be humble" and "attend the temple often" are more difficult for me. This is why I got a degree in math! Things are simple and straightforward. I have a hard time working towards goals that don't have steps or concrete pieces.

In order to help myself and my engineering husband, I took these ~~commandments?~~ ~~hints?~~ suggestions from President Benson and made cute printables to hang on our bathroom mirrors to remind ourselves each day what we should be working towards. Some of these are a tad on the vague side ("truly love your children), but others are concrete things that we can do together.

Here you go! Happy parenting!

"As Thyself"

2015-01-02T16:04:00.003-07:00

Jesus Christ taught that we are to love our neighbors as ourselves. I have often thought this to refer to quantity: we should love our neighbors as much as we love ourselves (and also the reverse, make sure we love ourselves as much as we do others - but that is a conversation for another time).

I recently came to the realization that this could mean something else: that we should love others in the same way that we love ourselves. Sometimes we have a tendency to be too hard on ourselves, true, but at the same time we often give ourselves the benefit of the doubt a lot of the time. We understand ourselves. When we fall short, we recognize the mitgating circumstances (sick child, emergency, etc.) We see what is going on the background, behind the scenes, instead of just what is in the front on center stage.

As a society, we are often too judgmental of others. We get frustrated when someone cuts us off on the road, saying how rude they are, instead of giving them the benefit of the doubt - maybe they didn't see us, or were in a hurry? Perhaps the person sloppily dressed at Walmart was up all night with a sick friend and simply did not have energy to put on a fresh set of clothes. There is a chance that the child at the library who ripped your child's toy out of their hands has a special need that can't be seen as opposed to lazy parents who don't enforce good manners.

Having an "invisible disease" has often put me on the receiving end of judgments. Many are simple ones that I can blow off, like getting a dirty look when I use a handicap parking spot (I do have a sign) or hearing, "You don't look that sick!" (I choose to take this latter one as a compliment.)

There are some judgments, harsh ones, that are more difficult to shake off and not take personally. The biggest one, perhaps, can be summed up in the following conversation:

"Tiffany, hi! It's been a while! How are you doing?"

"I'm doing well, thanks. It's been a bit busy lately."

"I heard you were sick. What was going on? Are you feeling any better?"

*****And this is where I stop. More often than not, if I answer anything more than, "I was just under the weather, but I'm better now," eyes start glazing over, watches are glanced at, and vacant expressions look back at me. People ask because they care, but at the same time, they don't really want to know.

I've learned this the hard way. I can't count the number of times I've heard people tell me the following:

"You let your disease define you."

"You talk about your health too much."

"Maybe if you didn't focus on your health so much, you'd get better and not notice it."

"What's it like to be sick every single day? I mean, really?.....Yeah, that doesn't sound too bad - no worse than being pregnant or being a mom." (For a good analogy of this, see the Spoon Theory.)

And this last, very painful one:

"You should really talk to Sister So-and-so. She has so many hard things in her life, real trials, in addition to her health. But you'd never know it from talking to her."

I have heard this many times. It seems as though in our society, the quality of "suffering in silence" is one to be admired. These individuals are viewed as having an internal strength, with no need of confidences or outside support. They are held up as an ideal. Every time I have heard someone speak highly about someone else, I promise myself that again, I would start keeping things to myself. But this is very, very wrong.

Yes, it is admirable to not complain. But talking about something and complaining are two very different things. How are we supposed to serve someone if we don't know that they are going through a trial? How are our burdens supposed to be lifted if no one knows to lift? How are others supposed to get blessings of service if we do not allow them the opportunity to serve?

Most importantly, how are we to learn empathy if we cannot relate to another's experience?

How can we truly love someone the way we love ourselves if we don't know them the way we know ourselves?

Every time someone has rolled their eyes at me when I answer their questions about my health, I promise myself that I am not going to do it again. Yet each time, I feel the Spirit tell me that I need to inform, I need to share. My Patriarchal Blessing is also very explicit about this. It can be painful for me to be so open; others see my vulnerabilities, and I know that I am being judged. Judged for "complaining" too much (when really, I promise I'm not - I'm actually very grateful for my trials). Judged for "not doing enough." Judged for being "too weak." Judged for any number of reasons. It's painful, and yet I feel strongly that I need to

I've had a few experiences over the years where I've needed outside help - especially after having Lizzy and not being able to just go into the hospital without coordinating her care. It's a big reason why we moved to CO - to have help from family. One experience stands out to me where I asked a friend to go with me to the hospital while someone else watched Lizzy (my husband had an important work deadline).

I tried to talk about how I was feeling, but each time I did, she brought up another example of someone who never complained about their health. I eventually stopped, and tried to just carry on a conversation. I've learned when I feel that sick and hurt that badly, I can either laugh or cry about it. I choose to laugh - it makes the time go more quickly and doesn't give me a headache. :) She eventually just started making phone calls to other people and did not participate when the nurses or doctors came in.

Later, I found out this person has told a mutual friend that she thought I was pretending to be sick on purpose, that I was addicted to pain medication (because I asked for it once and she happened to hear it, but she did not hear the half-dozen times I asked about tests), and that I just didn't want to take care of my daughter and was looking for a way out. I was heartbroken. I was trying to so hard to not "complain" to her during her visit and talk about how I was really feeling (because ). Yet in doing so, she was unable to relate to what I was going through at all and even think that I was doing on on purpose to get attention and out of responsibilities. She had known me a long time, was someone I considered a good friend, and yet was so quick to judge. I am still working on not being offended by this.

On the other hand, the other day a friend came over to visit after one of my surgeries. I apologized that I wasn't feeling up to doing what we had originally planned because I was having an allergic reaction to the pain medication. She looked at me in astonishment and said, "Tiffany, you are the strongest person I know! Every time I think that I have it hard or that I'm in pain, I tell myself that if Tiffany can do it, so can I!"

And THAT, my friends, is why I am open and honest and share what I am going through. Not to complain. Not to get attention. But to help people see that if they are going through something difficult, they are not alone. There is someone else who understands. And through that, they can hear me share my testimony of the Savior, who understands all of us. I want people to consider another way of life, to see it from someone else's perspective. I want people who are hurting or who are scared to know that they are not alone.

Some of the most rewarding experiences I have had come from a phone call or an email where someone is having a trial (most often health-related) for the first time, and they are scared and don't know where to go or what to do. I am grateful for the opportunity to point them in the right direction (call this type of doctor, etc.), so they don't feel so helpless and lost.

All of us have difficulties. Some are different, some are similar - but in sharing them (not complaining, but sharing) we can help others who may eventually have to walk through similar paths. We can act as guides, and we can bear testimony of the times that the Savior has helped us on our walks.

My whole purpose of sharing what I go through is so that someone who is struggling with something similar can remember my struggle, get strength through it, and then go on to further rely on the Lord through the rest of the journey. In turn, I try to seek out others' stories. I gain strength from hearing about what they've conquered. It causes me to love them more, which is the second great commandment. I am less likely to judge, less likely to be offended, and less likely to resent someone who I understand.

August = Crazy Month

2014-08-19T02:09:00.003-06:00

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."

Lol, that's the perfect way to describe my birthday month (August): amazingly good and intolerably bad.

First, at the end of July and into August, I was hospitalized for a UTI (Urinary Tract Infection). This is my third time this year with it, all due to the rectovaginal (RV) fistula that I have. Some stool leaks through the fistula and ends up causing the infection inside my bladder. Since I have had c. diff about eight times in the last few years and had a fecal matter transplant in April to cure it (the only three antibiotics strong enough to kill c. diff stopped working), we didn't want to mess up my gut flora. I don't absorb pills very well at all due because of Crohn's and gastroparesis. We usually try a month of 3-4 different, ineffective antibiotics, cause a flare of c. diff, and then hospitalize me to get IV antibiotics. This time, my amazing PCP, Deanna Tolman, just had me admitted after a few days of antibiotics so that I could be on them for as little time as possible. I spent 5-6 days there and was released on a Friday evening.

Six days after being released, I had surgery to remove a piece of the inside of my labia because a flat mole down there kept growing back and becoming more and more atypical/abnormal/pre-cancerous each time. The last time, when I had it just removed in their office, they couldn't get the lidocain deep enough so I felt them cut and cauterize the wound (just a tiny, 1 cm incision). So this time, I had it done under sedation because it was an inch and a half incision stitched up. I couldn't wear tight pants or even underclothes for a few days because anything touching it was very painful.

Finally, some good times! The Wednesday following the surgery, we had a family reunion with my immediate family (I am the oldest of 10 kids, three of us married, two with a baby each). We went to Steamboat Springs and stayed in a large house together. It was AWESOME!!! Some of my family members had some exciting news, and we all got to spend time together. We played games, hiked, swam, and even did mani/pedis together (Mom and the older girls).

The day after I came back from the family reunion (Monday the 18th, yesterday), I had a surgery to plug my RV fistula. It was supposed to be simple and relatively painless, but it turned out that the fistula was on the base of the sphincter muscle and near a bunch of nerves. It was so painful (and no oral meds work on me) that I went to the ER and got admitted for pain control (I am at Sky Ridge right now).

On Thursday, I will have my next Remicade infusion. These are so similar to chemo, that that's what my insurance company calls them on the Explanation of Benefits. I always feel crummy for a few days afterwards.

Next week is my birthday on the 26th! But Phillip is going to be out of town for that whole week. I am going to miss him just so much!!!

In spite of all of these things, I am extremely grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ. I could not have gotten through all of these trials without Him by my side. I KNOW that He is real, that He loves me, and that all of these experiences are for my learning and to grow closer to Him. I am grateful for His patience with me and love for me. I don't deserve it, but He loves me anyway. At times I feel alone and am hurting, I can literally feel His arms around me, hugging me, and helping me to move forward. And He is there for each and every one of us.

Having a Voice in the Medical Community

2014-04-23T09:47:00.002-06:00

One of the reasons that we picked up and moved from Houston to Denver was because of the severe lack of medical care that I was receiving. I almost died on a few occasions, all because a few doctors put their pride and arrogance above my viewpoints and what was happening with my body.

It was like the child's game of hot potato: the potato quickly gets passed around in a circle, and when the song is over, you hope that you're not the one left holding it. These doctors were passing me around from one specialist to another, back and forth to each other, all the while hoping that when the "song ended," they wouldn't be the ones stuck with me. One hospital and group of doctors actually refused to work with me anymore because I was too difficult and they didn't want to end up stuck with me. They were irrationally angry with me because what they were doing just wasn't working.

This was extremely disheartening. I felt helpless, scared, and alone. There was no one to advocate for me, and no one was listening.

There is a project called Rare Patient Voice. They do surveys and interviews for people with rare diseases about their medical care, quality, and services. This is not just for people who have the condition, but also for their caregivers as well. Each time you fill out a questionnaire or survey, you get a bit of financial compensation as well. When you sign up, you also get a $5 gift card for Amazon, as does the person who referred you.

These surveys pay well. Recently, Ulcerative Colitis patients earned $250 cash (well, a check) for completing one survey. I personally

The information from these surveys is used to improve the healthcare systems. They work with pharmaceutical manufacturers, advocacy groups and charitable organizations, in order to change healthcare one patient at a time.

I am passing this along, not just because of the gift cards, but also because after all of my experiences with the medical community in the last ~~two~~ three years. I have been hospitalized 30 times, so I have met many people who have had a wide variety of encounters with the medical world. I think it's extremely important that those experiences be heard. There is a lot that is wrong (and right) with health care, especially for those who have less-common conditions. I'm hoping that this is one way for voices to be heard so that changes can be made.

When you first sign up, you get a $10 Amazon gift card. (Note: They now give $5 gift cards instead.) Then anyone who signs up and puts your name as a referral, you both get another $10 gift card. I got $20 because I signed up and then my husband signed up under me as my caregiver. I have taken several surveys, as well as phone interviews and have been compensated well: the most was $150 for a one hour phone conversation about a picture I drew depicting my life's journey! I also have not received any spam or been contacted inappropriately through this.

So I wanted to pass this on to you and invite you to sign up. Even if nothing comes from the surveys themselves, at least you get a free $10 gift card if you qualify. I haven't gotten any spam, but if that is something you are worried about, you can set up a free second email address and use that. That's what I did - I also use that email address for Viewpoints.com and Swagbucks.com, through which in the last year I've gotten close to $300 in free Amazon gift cards - if you're interested in that, ask me about it. (To sign up for Swagbucks, please use THIS LINK HERE)

SOME of the MANY diseases that qualify as "rare" are:
Bleeding Disorders
Multiple Sclerosis (MS)
Cystic Fibrosis
Sickle Cell Disease
Huntington’s Disease
Pulmonary Arterial Hypertension (PAH)
Waldenstrom’s Macroglobulinemia (WM)
Lupus
Gaucher
Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy
Hepatitis C
Crohn's Disease/Ulcerative Colitis

If you think that either you or the person you care for has something that qualifies as rare, you can apply and then explain why you think you qualify. There are so many more conditions out there that are more rare than those listed here.

If you do decide to sign up, please make sure to put Tiffany Thomas with an email address of scifigal2k@gmail.com as your referral so I can get credit for it. You sign up at https://www.rarepatientvoice.com/sign-up/

Remember, this is about having a voice. A voice for those who are to ill to speak for themselves.

Not today, but tomorrow.

2014-01-23T10:35:00.002-07:00

As I was scrolling through my facebook feed today, I found myself extremely jealous of every single stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) with pictures of their kids or complaints of messes or cute things said or done.

I want that.

Two nights ago, I came home from my 5th hospitalization in 3 months. This doesn't include the additional handful of ER visits.

Yesterday, I was so tired and sick I could barely wake up when Lizzy woke up to eat and to pump. Then I had to put her in a walker for an hour and half while a nurse came to give me an IV and teach me how to do it myself for the next week. I then had to call Phillip to come home early from work because I was so weak and shaky, I almost dropped Lizzy and passed out several times going up and down the stairs.

Today, I had to let Phillip take her to someone else's house to take care of her so I could try to sleep some more and "get better."

I hate those words. I hate it when people tell me to "feel better soon."

Because honestly, I'm not going to. I have chronic condition. So even if I make it into the most awesome remission ever, it won't last because the price I pay for remission is an immune system so compromised that just a cold and a yeast infection led to these last three months of hell.

I am so tired.

I am tired of not being able to be a good mom. Of not being able to raise my daughter. Of not being able to play with her even when she is home because I don't really have the energy to get out of bed, so we just play on the bed. Of not being able to take care of her half the time because I'm in the hospital and can't be with her. Of her crying at night because Mommy isn't there to hold her and she doesn't understand. Or worse, that she'll get used to me not being around and won't be able to tell her Mommy apart from any other woman in the ward.

I'm tired of missing so many "firsts" because they're done with someone else. And there's no one there to take pictures or realize it's her first. Of worrying if she's developing on time because so often I don't get to take her out on walks or read books because I'm tired. Of worried that she's being ignored or put in the corner while whoever has her is doing their own thing with their family and kids and cleaning and whatever.

I find it heartbreaking and very telling that I have a bouncy seat in the bathroom for Lizzy.

I'm tired of not being able to be a support to my husband. Of him having to be both Dad and Mom. Of him having to not only work full-time, but then come home and make dinner and do laundry. I try, I really do try, but most days I can't. And he can't. So the house is a mess, and I hate having to look at it because it's just another reminder of how much I'm failing.

I'm tired of hospital bills. And doctor bills. And watching our budget not balance well because we spend at least a thousand dollars a month on medical expenses (literally). I was tutoring to try to help, but I couldn't these last few months. I'm tired of being a drain on the budget and not a contributor.

I'm tired of not being able to go to church. Of not being able to do callings and having to bail last-minute. Of not being able to make friends in the neighborhood and share the gospel and go to events. Of forgetting to read scriptures and say prayers because I'm walking around in a fog and habits and routines get so messed up while in the hospital. Of being a burden on my family and my ward, and of being just another charity case. Of looks and eye-rolling and sighs when once again we have to ask for someone to watch Lizzy.

I'm tired of being in the hospital with doctors and nurses who don't care. Of being all alone there and having to fight my own battles when I'm sick and tired and in pain.

Oh yes, I am so tired of the pain. Of hurting all the time.

I know one day it's going to get better. I know that Heavenly Father is there and supporting me. I have seen so many miracles and tender mercies.

But today, it's just hard. I'm jealous. I'm tired. Today, I just want to cry. So I am. I'm spending the morning having a pity party and crying for myself and my husband and my daughter. It's not fair.

Tomorrow will be brighter and better, and I'll move forward with renewed determination to get through.

But not today. Today, I just want to be able to feel sorry for myself and not have to apologize to anyone for it. To be selfish and self-centered. To let it all out - to let out the hurt and frustration and anger and sorrow and pain. Because it all builds up, and today I just don't have the energy to hold it back or reason through it.

But I will tomorrow. Just not today. Today, I'm just going to hold on to Petey (my stuffed lion Phillip gave me my first hospital stay of our marriage) and cry. Wait for a lady in the ward to bring Lizzy home to me in an hour, then for Phillip to come home a few hours after that, then get an IV going. And pray tonight's storm cancels work for him tomorrow so we can be home, the three of us, and heal. Because we need that.

But until then, this is my time to grieve. To mourn. To cry.

Lizzy's Feeding Journey

2014-01-19T06:30:00.000-07:00

My lactation consultant (LC) asked me to write a blog post detailing the difficulties that we've had with breastfeeding and getting Lizzy to eat. She wants to be able to share it with other families who are struggling as an example of a success, because Lizzy has never had formula a day in her life.

Disclaimer: I do not judge or think less of parents who use formula. Sometimes the baby needs it because of food allergies. Sometimes the mom doesn't respond to the pump very well and has a low supply because of it. Some mothers are on medications that pass through to breast milk and are harmful for the baby. At times, some babies are too sick and need the weight gain that comes better through formula than breast milk.

At the end of the day, we can all agree that breast milk is best overall for the baby. There are antibodies and nutrients in there that no amount of formula can quite make up for. This blog post is designed to give encouragement and hope to those who are going through feeding difficulties and are ready to throw in the towel. I hope that I can inspire and uplift those who are struggling but want to continue.

Lizzy was born with a severe posterior tongue tie and could barely lift her tongue off the bottom of her mouth because it was attached all the way across. I also have flatter nipples, so between the two, Lizzy was not able to latch on without a nipple shield. Even then, she had a difficult time sucking and eating. The shield began to be extremely painful, and I would have to switch sides with Lizzy about every 5 minutes because the pain was so intense. The problem with this is she developed a foremilk-hindmilk imbalance and was only getting the low-fat part of the milk. This can lead to weight loss, and she was having lots of green diapers.

Look at how little she was! She weighed 4.5 lbs.

After two weeks of this, we went to see an LC, who has turned out to be a strong support and a good friend through this entire journey. I am so grateful and blessed that she was the one who was assigned to us: she is the head of the lactation department at Texas Children's Pavilion for Women, and was extremely knowledgeable. It was she who diagnosed the tongue tie, which the regular doctors weren't able to fully figure it out when Lizzy was first born.

Normally this would require surgery and anesthesia to fix, but thankfully my LC knew of a pediatric dentist who could it with a laser cutter. There was only one in the city of Houston, and I found out later that there aren't very many in the U.S. who can do it. I feel like it was a miracle from Heavenly Father that this particular dentist was not just in Houston, but only about 30 minutes from our house.

We took Lizzy in right away; at this point she was three weeks old. To make a long story short, the laser cutting went well (and by that, I mean it was horrible and worse than shots, but it worked). After three weeks, however, we noticed that it had re-attached and we had to go back a second time. For this entire story, please see this blog post I wrote. Finally she completely healed, but at this point she was 9 weeks old and was so traumatized by our attempts to breast feed that she just cried and cried whenever she saw my breast or her lips touched my skin. This time period was probably one of the darkest, most heart-breaking times of my life. It's all detailed in that blog post. It was traumatic for both of us, but I also learned a lot about the Savior, my Heavenly Father, and Their love.

Throughout all of this, I was really hoping that we would eventually be able to latch on. I did not want to create nipple confusion, so we syringe fed her milk that I pumped - she would suck on one of our fingers while we used a syringe to slowly push milk into her mouth through the corner. We got a pump through the insurance company, and every time she ate, I would pump afterwards. This led to me having a great supply, and I was making almost double what she ate! She would eat about 16-20 oz per day, and I was pumping around 45 oz. We bought a deep freezer and began storing the milk in there. By the time Lizzy was 4 months old, we had frozen about 1500 oz of milk (about 60 days' worth)!

Feeding Lizzy with a syringe.

This whole part was very difficult, though. Each syringe only held about half an ounce of milk, and she would eat 3-4.5 oz each feeding. It was a time-consuming process, and it took her about 30-60 minutes each time she ate. At night, it was always an hour long because she was tired. This was especially difficult for me because she would wake up, I would get her syringes ready (15 min), feed her for an hour, put her back to sleep (15 min), pump for 30 minutes (that's how long it takes me to empty), and then clean up by washing all the pump parts and syringes by hand (15 min). This whole process would take almost 2 1/2 hours, and then I would only get 30-45 minutes of sleep before she woke up again wanting to eat.

For about two weeks I did this until I was so completely exhausted I had a breakdown. One of my mom's friends, an extremely dear woman whom I love, flew down from Denver for a week (her husband is a pilot and her kids are all grown) to help me out. She would get up and feed Lizzy at night, and I would pump during that time. It was amazing! All of a sudden, I was able to sleep in two hour blocks instead of 30 minute blocks! When she left, I asked Phillip if he wouldn't mind taking over the nighttime feedings while I pumped. He is such a dear, dear man - he didn't even have to think about it. He just did it, without complaining or murmuring at all. He never threw the "I have to work full-time" card at me, which I love him dearly for.

Anyway, by the time Lizzy was healed and it had become clear to us that she wasn't really going to latch on anytime soon, we had to start looking at other options than syringe feeding. She had gotten a bit "lazy" with it - her suck was really weak, and she just would lie there with her mouth open, waiting for us to just push the milk in. This was a problem because it would cause difficulties with solids and speaking later in life. We saw an occupational therapist, who gave us some exercises to do and suggested we start using a bottle.

The bottle we settled on was the Medela Calma bottle. The reviews showed that it was the best because it had a series of chambers that opened to allow milk to come through the nipple ONLY if a vacuum was created. This mean Lizzy had to actually suck. She was pretty angry with it the first time we used it, but she figured it out after about 10 minutes. It turned out to be worth the expense (about $20 for 1 nipple and 2 8-oz bottles). Her mouth and tongue are a lot stronger now - she can now finish a 6 oz bottle in about 10 minutes, whereas before it would take her over an hour to get 3-4 oz down.

Lizzy using her new bottle.

Around this same time I started having symptoms of thrush in my breasts (itchiness and red, shiny nipples). I just ignored it because I didn't want the hassle of trying to have to go to the doctor. I didn't have a car, and we were trying to save money. I got a cold, though, that started to turn into an ear and sinus infection. Because of my Crohn's Disease and having no immune system due to my Remicade infusions, infections can get bad quickly in me. I had c. diff. three times in 2012, though, so antibiotics are now only used as a last resort. Instead, my primary care physician (PCP) gave me a week of prednisone to try to lower the inflammation and let everything drain out.

I hadn't told him I thought I had thrush, and what I didn't know is that prednisone will make yeast grow completely out of control. Next thing I knew, within about two weeks, the thrush had gone systemic. It was in the milk ducts, making my breasts burn and ache. The areola was completely red, raw, and bleeding every time I pumped. I had white patches in my mouth, as well as a yeast infection. I put a call in to my PCP, who gave me two weeks' worth of diflucan (an antifungal). After a week, though, I was feeling worse so he admitted me to the hospital so I could get IV antifungals for a week or so.

Visiting Mommy in the hospital.

Through all of this, I kept pumping. We checked with the pediatrician and LC each time I got a new medication to make sure that it was ok to still give Lizzy the milk. Surprisingly, very few common medications are bad enough to have to "pump and dump." I also downloaded the app LactMed, which gives information on how medications affect breastmilk and also milk supply, among other things.

Two weeks after I got discharged from the hospital - about the middle of November - I still wasn't certain the thrush symptoms were gone, but my PCP said it was fine. I then promptly got influenza, in spite of having the flu shot the month before. Luckily, I did not have to hospitalized for this. I did have to wear a mask for a few days, which Lizzy hated.

The next weekend, I got mastitis really bad, probably as a leftover from the thrush causing so many bleeding cracks in my nipples. I still had one that would re-open and bleed a bit each time I pumped. The oral antibiotics were not clearing it up, so I had to be hospitalized again until the day before Thanksgiving. We then made a quick trip to Denver, where I had to go to the ER to make sure the symptoms I was having were Crohn's and not c. diff. I had been on a lot of antibiotics for the mastitis, and antibiotics always makes my Crohn's flare up. Since c. diff. is extremely contagious, I didn't want to be flying with it. The test came back negative, so I was given prednisone to help get over this hurdle.

Unfortunately, however, the prednisone made the thrush come back with a vengeance. Along with this came a problem: the Crohn's flare had caused a perianal abscess to form. I called my PCP because my GI was on a 2 month break as she switched practices. He had me come in and insisted it was just a swollen gland. I disagreed with him, but he kept insisting. This was a Friday afternoon, and by the time Friday night hit, I was in so much pain I could barely walk. The next morning was a ward (church) Christmas party. Not only had I volunteered to make a couple of breakfast casseroles for it (which Phillip ended up doing, bless his kind heart), but Santa was coming! There was NO WAY I was going to not have a picture of Lizzy with Santa for her first Christmas!

After a quick stop at the party, we went to the ER. Yes, it was an abscess! ~~(Told you so!)~~ I was sent in for emergency surgery, which went well. The next day (the second Sunday in December), I got an extremely high fever: I had gone septic. I was immediately given two different IVs with 5 different antibiotics going into me until they could figure out what bacteria was behind the sepsis (it turned out to be e. coli.). This was the first time that I had to pump-and-dump, and Lizzy began using some of the milk we had frozen. It was heartbreaking to watch that "liquid gold" go down the sink. But that many antibiotics at once was just too much, the pediatrician said.

Phillip and I called our moms, and they came down from Denver and Washington to help take care of Lizzy and me when I was released from the hospital. I was still pretty weak for a while afterwards. Again, though, I kept pumping. I made sure to pump my normal 5 times per day (although some days in the hospital I only did 4). My supply dropped a ton because my health was poor and I wasn't eating much.

Grandma Lindsey

Grandma Lindsey, Aunt Annie, and Aunt Rachel

Grammy Celeste and Zoe

Slowly I was able to build my supply back up to 35-40 oz per day. I brought it up by eating more, drinking at least a gallon of water per day (literally), and by power pumping a lot. This is where you pump a normal session (in my case, 30 minutes). Then I stop for 10 minutes, then pump for 10 minutes again, then stop and start, and then stop and start (so I'll finish an hour after I finish a regular pump, actually pumping for a total of 30 extra minutes).

Phillip and I celebrated our two year anniversary on December 17, just a few days after I got out of the hospital after the sepsis.

We had a bit of a break for Christmas. Lizzy got to see Santa, and she had a blast with opening her presents and wearing her pretty Christmas dress again.

About two weeks after the sepsis, I was still on antibiotics and prednisone, and the thrush was really coming back at this point. I was taking diflucan off and on per doctor orders, and he had me postpone my Remicade infusion. The problem was that the prednisone was feeding the thrush more quickly than the diflucan could kill it. My PCP felt like some of my symptoms were related to a mental illness and insisted I try an anti-anxiety medication. Since I don't have anxiety at all, I had a bad reaction to it and was hospitalized for a couple of days. This was at the beginning of January. At this point, I fired my PCP- it was the second time he had misdiagnosed me and I landed in the hospital because of it.

As you can imagine, me being gone so often and Lizzy being watched by some ladies in our church, it was all a bit traumatic for her. She would have night terrors during her naps. It was so heartbreaking to hear and watch. I wanted so badly to be able to just stay at home with her all of the time and take care of her.

At times I wanted to try to latch her on - she would sometimes root around my breasts when she was tired or hungry - but with the thrush, I didn't want to pass it on to her. Instead, she has become my pump buddy and tries to chew on the flanges!

In the middle of January I was three weeks overdue for a Remicade infusion. I started having awful lower abdominal pain. I had suspected for about a month that I might have a urinary tract infection (UTI) because I was constantly having to pee, urgently, and then never feel completely empty. Once again, I ignored it, until this last week the pain suddenly became really bad. We went to the ER

That same day I was FINALLY able to see my GI again! I was so excited to see her, I almost cried. As I told her everything she missed out on by being gone, she got tears in her eyes on my behalf (and Phillip's and Lizzy's behalf, too). She said what I had been trying to talk the PCP into: just do the Remicade infusion to get the Crohn's under control and get off the prednisone, and then we would worry about getting rid of the thrush once and for all.

I had my infusion on Friday, but it really wiped me out this time. I was exhausted all day Saturday, and then the thrush really went wild. More so than we anticipated....the pain was so bad, it hurt my breasts to breathe. They would get shooting, stabbing pains every time I inhaled. We went to the ER Saturday night (last night) and I was admitted to get IV antifungals. So here I sit, missing my husband and baby girl so much. They are perfection and the most wonderful, priceless thing to me.

Lizzy is such a good, happy, well-behaved baby, and I really appreciate that a lot. She is now 6 months old (and 2 days), and I can't believe how tiny she was compared to how big she is now!

Just a few days old.

3 months old, laying next to one of her preemie onesies

6 months old!

Finally, I have to say that I absolutely could never had done any of this without the support I have gotten from friends and family. I have felt your prayers on my behalf. I am grateful for those who give up their time and other talents to help give us rides to doctor appointments and baby-sit Lizzy.

Throughout all of this, I am most grateful for my incredible Superman of a husband, Phillip. He is my rock and strength. I am in awe of how well he has stepped up to the plate in taking care of Lizzy, working, and supporting me. He amazes me. I have been so blessed to have him as my husband. I can't imagine how hard this would be if I had a husband that murmured or complained. He takes care of Lizzy so well - I don't have any worries about her being with "single" dad. He is just the most incredible father.

"Camping" on the landing while the ward had a Daddy-Daughter campout

The two left are Lizzy. Zoe is Phillip's sister.

If I even mention that I want something, Phillip is all over it. He is so sweet, kind, tender, and loving.

Tootsie Rolls - one of my favorites and a big pregnancy craving. He left this for me one morning before going to work.

I can't put into words the depth of how much I love him and am amazed by him. The words just seem so.....cheap when compared to how I feel in my heart. I love him. I love him more than anything and anyone in this world, and I am so grateful that we get to spend eternity together. I found this poem online and I think it helps a little bit put into words what I want to say.

Amazing man, You

by Riggs

I never thought I'd be where I stand

It was only in dreams where I could hold your hand

I never thought that you'd be my man

I never thought I could, or would, or can

It's the things you do that make me wonder how

How we made it through

How it could be you

To love me...

And as I lie here, sitting in my bed

Listening to you breathe close to my head

I smile, I sing, I thank God you're with me

And pray that it'll last for eternity

You make me feel loved, in so many ways

You make me smile each and every day

You care for me, you listen, you're always here for me

And in return everything you are to me, I wanna be

Thank you for the good times

And even for the bad

Thank you for understanding

Everything I am

I know it's hard sometimes

But you always get me through

It's amazing what love can really do

And it's amazing that it brought me to you

Untitled

How do I begin to tell you how lucky I am

To have you in my life?

I'll start by saying what an honor it is

For me to be your wife.

You're my best friend in the good times

And my rock in times of sorrow.

You're the reason for sweet yesterdays

And my promise for tomorrow.

I never thought I could feel this loved

Until I became your wife.

You made this year and every year

The best one of my life.

This was our song we danced to at our wedding. No amount of time will ever be enough to spend with Phillip. I hate being away from him, and I love it when we're reunited again in the evenings. He makes me happier than I ever could have imagined being.

Some fun pictures of us. Oh goodness, how I love this man!

Christmas Traditions

2013-12-18T04:05:00.003-07:00

This year Phillip and I were determined to really start our family Christmas traditions since it would be the first Christmas of our marriage that we were celebrating with just our little family. Of course, circumstances have changed that slightly (drat my health), but we are doing the best we can and we have renewed determination to try again next year. ~~Unless one of our siblings gets married over break and we have to travel for the wedding.~~

I thought I would share some of our favorite traditions that we have begun from combining favorite ones from both of our families.

Month of December

Listen to or watch the First Presidency Christmas Devotional, typically the first or second Sunday in December.
Instead of reading Luke 2 on Christmas Eve, we read a chapter of Luke each day for the entire month. There are 24 chapters in the book of Luke, so you get the entire life of the Savior throughout the entire month! We also have short scriptures for each day that we plan on reading with Lizzy when she gets a bit older.
Watch Christmas movies together on Sundays throughout the month.
Last year, I made this cute advent calendar! For each day, there are strips of paper with different ideas on what to do for each day of the month leading up to Christmas. (Examples below.)

Boil a cinnamon stick on the stove
Call Grandma and Grandpa to sing Christmas carols
Visit a stable or manger to imagine what the Savior's birth was like
Have a slumber party under the Christmas tree
Decorate the Christmas tree
Bake Christmas goodies
Go caroling
Have a snowball fight and build snowmen
Hang some bells. Each time someone serves you, ring them.
Watch a Christmas movie
Imagine you lived at the time Jesus was born. Eat a meal of broiled fish, crackers, and grapes.
Pick out a real Christmas tree
Write in your journal some way your life has changed for good because of Christ's birth and life.
Draw names for Christmas presents
Visit a lonely person.
Find a family in need and play Secret Santa
Draw a Christmas picture and take it to a neighbor
The shepherds testified of Christ; hold a family testimony meeting
List the names Christ is called in the scriptures. What do we learn about Him from His names?
Talk about what has been your best Christmas ever and why. What makes the best Christmas?
Eat sandwiches cut in a Christmas shape (cut bread with cookie cutters)
Start a Christmas puzzle that can be put together throughout the month.
Dramatize the nativity using props and simple costumes
Go ice-skating
Go sledding
Make Christmas-shaped pancakes for breakfast.
Give service at a local homeless shelter
Invite a non-member of less-active family to the ward Christmas party
What a Christmas parade, either nearby or on TV
Decorate the house for Christmas
Write a family Christmas letter to mail out
Make count-down paper chains to Christmas day

Christmas Eve

Open new pajamas on Christmas Eve. Some years in my family, the pajamas have been really dorky, but that makes it fun!
On Christmas Eve, go out to lunch or dinner at a restaurant we have never tried before.
On the night of Christmas Eve, drive around and look at cool Christmas lights while singing Christmas songs. "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" is a favorite!
Read Christmas books together. Phillip's mom sent us some beautiful Christmas books over the last two years that I had never heard of before, but I love them.

What are some of your favorite Christmas traditions?

Being a Caregiver

2013-12-05T20:26:00.002-07:00

A friend of mine contacted me recently saying that his wife had just gotten a serious chronic condition. My heart breaks for them, especially since she just had their second child a few months ago. They are going through some radical changes in their lives to accommodate this new trial.

I was trying to think of what to say to him and what advice I could give. After all, it was a man asking, so I figured I saw safe in trying to "fix it." If you don't know what I'm referring to, watch this video:

Anyway, back to my friend. I realized that he's not the only one who goes through this. At some point, many spouses end up becoming the caretakers of another spouse. We typically envision this as happening well after retirement age, but sadly there are many young couples with young children who find themselves in this situation. Sometimes it is mental illness that affects the spouse, but many times it is a physical condition: cancer, Crohn's Disease, MS, and paralysis, to name a few.

This can be difficult. It can be even a bit more difficult for the fathers and husbands who suddenly find themselves responsible for housework and childcare, in addition to having to provide for the family.

Here are some pieces of advice that I would like to share, both with those who are suffering the condition, but more particularly to those who are thrust into a role that may seem like more than their shoulders can bear. If you have any more to share, please feel free to do so in the comments.

Prioritize
President Hinckley said in the June 2003 Worldwide Leadership Training:

"Each of us [priesthood holders] has a fourfold responsibility. First, we have a responsibility to our families. Second, we have a responsibility to our employers. Third, we have a responsibility to the Lord’s work. Fourth, we have a responsibility to ourselves.”

If you have a demanding calling, you might want to consider to ask to be released. There is absolutely nothing wrong with needing to do that. Circumstances change.

My father gave my husband this great piece of advice: Your job will always take as much out of you as you will give to it. You need to set boundaries. It's important to do a good enough job in order to keep your job, but don't be afraid to let your employers know that your family comes first. You could easily give 60-70 hours per week at your job, or you could give 40 hours and give the rest of the time to your family.

Even though the fourth on the list is yourself, you should NOT neglect yourself. Elder Eyring gave a talk in the General Relief Society Meeting in 2012 on being a caregiver. He said:

"Even though extended and loving service to people is richly rewarded, you have learned that there are physical, emotional, and financial limits to what is possible. The person giving care long enough can become the one who needs care. The Lord, who is the Master Nurturer of people in need, gave inspired counsel to weary caregivers in these words delivered by King Benjamin and recorded in the Book of Mormon: “For the sake of retaining a remission of your sins … I would that ye should impart of your substance to the poor, every man according to that which he hath, such as feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, visiting the sick and administering to their relief, both spiritually and temporally, according to their wants.” But then He goes on to warn those of you who might fail to respond to the evidence that you are pushing on too far and too long in your loving service: “And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man [or any caregiver] should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order.”"

So please make sure that you take the time to take care of yourself as well. You are of NO USE to anyone if you burn yourself out. We have family members, home teachers, visiting teachers, friends, the Relief Society, and so many others to call upon.

Be Patient and Understanding
Now, more than ever, you will need to try to put yourself in another person's shoes. I speak not only to the caregiver, but to the one being cared for. Try to see the others' perspective and lift their burden.

Never ever take it out on each other.

For the caregiver: Your loved one is struggling right now. All of a sudden, they are unable to do what they used to be able to do. They feel helpless. No one really wants to be dependent on others, unable to perform even the simplest of chores. Celebrate when little things are accomplished. (Example: in a typical household, the wife makes dinner often for when the husband is home from work. However, it takes a lot of effort for me to make dinner, and Phillip has to do it more often than not. So the days that I do the things that should be "my job," he makes sure to thank me because of the extra effort that goes into it.) Help your loved one feel like they still have value and worth, even though they can no longer do all of the things that they used to be doing. Satan is working hard on bringing them down, making them feel like a failure. At the same time, don't play the martyr. If you are feeling overwhelmed, share that with them. Don't wait until all of it bottles up and you explode at them, but when you start to feel that way - just simply explain how you're feeling.

For the care receiver: Your loved one is doing the best they can. They feel helpless right now. They would give absolutely anything to take away your pain and suffering. If they could, they would be at your bedside 24/7 to take care of you (and the kids and the house and everything else). They can't, however, and it tears them up inside more than you can know. They might shut down sometimes because of this. This is a defense mechanism for the number of times you have to say, "There's nothing you can do to help take away this pain right now." Allow them breaks. Encourage them to come to you with frustrations, and try not to take it personally. Recognize that it's the situation that they wish was gone, not you. And realize that they are tired. They are so incredibly exhausted, both physically and mentally. Be patient with them.

Open Communication
Sometimes this is difficult, since men and women are different.

But talk to each other. When you're feeling tired or burned out, when something hurts your feelings, when you're scared. Don't try to hide things from each other, like your worries or your fears or even your frustrations. They will build up. You'd be amazed at how much better you will feel after expressing yourself to each other.

Don't do it at times when your tempers won't fly or you're too tired to talk rationally, but when you can have an open, honest discussion. (If you are a returned missionary, this may sound a bit like companionship inventory!)

Make Lord "Third Partner"
When you were married, you made a covenant with your spouse AND with the Lord. So often we leave Him out. But don't - His help is invaluable during this time. Some times you aren't going to be perfect in this situation. Your spouse will get tired and inevitably one of you will hurt the other's feelings. When this happens, turn to the Lord. Make Him the third partner in your marriage. When it feels like your spouse isn't appreciating your situation, go to the Lord and ask Him to help you feel His approval and love in how you're completing your role. He will answer that prayer.

Consider Counseling
Phillip and I had only been married a month or so when I became very sick. As a result, him taking care of me became a natural part of our marriage. In some ways, this has been a blessing because we have not had to make radical adjustments that happen in most marriages when a loved one suddenly becomes ill. When this happens, the entire relationship dynamic is tremendously altered.

Counseling can so helpful during this time. It does not need to become a regular occurrence. Instead, a few sessions can be used to learn coping mechanisms. You'd be amazed at what a few simple tricks can do to help.

Make Plans
It is so easy when you are in this situation to get into survival mode. While that's okay for a time, eventually you have to get out of it, even if just for a little while. So make plans! Even if they are simple ones. Put the kids to bed, and then have a "date night" at home - get some sparkling cider, cuddle up on the couch, and watch a movie or play a game or read a book. Plan little things like that that you can look forward to all week, and then just enjoy them.

Get Back to Basics
President Uchtdorf gave this excellent talk a few years ago about getting back to the basics when life gets challenging.

"When stress levels rise, when distress appears, when tragedy strikes, too often we attempt to keep up the same frantic pace or even accelerate, thinking somehow that the more rushed our pace, the better off we will be.....Let’s be honest; it’s rather easy to be busy. We all can think up a list of tasks that will overwhelm our schedules. Some might even think that their self-worth depends on the length of their to-do list. They flood the open spaces in their time with lists of meetings and minutia—even during times of stress and fatigue. Because they unnecessarily complicate their lives, they often feel increased frustration, diminished joy, and too little sense of meaning in their lives."

Please read this entire talk. It has so many excellent points of how to simplify. When we reach the trials, we feel as though we need to put our heads down and run through them, that it will help us get through them quicker. All we will do, though, is tire ourselves out. Just like when you reach a hill when you run a marathon, you don't try to sprint up it to get it over with more quickly.

Keep Perspective
What do you have? What's really important? How could it be worse? Put it all into perspective. Whenever I start to feel overwhelmed with things, I go onto the Crohn's forum that I belong to and read others' stories. It makes me grateful for what I don't have to pass through.

"This Too Shall Pass"
When things become overwhelming, go back to the basics. Remember the love that you have for each other. Know that this will end, and at the Resurrection you will both be perfectly healthy and free to live together without pain and burden. It WILL end. Maybe not in this life, but it WILL end - it won't go on for eternity (no matter how much it may seem).

Remember these verses:
Doctrine and Covenants 121:7-8

My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.

Doctrine and Covenants 122:7-9

And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he? Therefore, hold on thy way, and the priesthood shall remain with thee; for their bounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.

Lastly, I want to end with this beautiful video that I think says it all:

Happy Birthday, Elizabeth! - part 3

2013-10-23T06:29:00.001-06:00

To catch up, read Part 1 and Part 2 if you haven't already!

Looking back, I'm amazed we survived the first few days of the whole experience. I was so unprepared. I was foolish - I thought that the nurses, doctors, everyone would be there to help, so I didn't read anything about what to expect. Only through Heavenly Father's tender mercies did Lizzy survive.

For reasons we now know (tongue-tie and other problems), Elizabeth wasn't able to really latch on at first. We gave her a bottle of donated milk (this amazing hospital has a milk bank in the building) while we were in the surgery recovery area. We were then whisked upstairs, where we were pretty much ignored for the next 8 hours or so. A nurse would poke her head in every once in a while, and at one point gave me a nipple shield.

I look back on those hours, and now they scare me. I had no idea what I was doing. Elizabeth's blood sugar got really low because she wasn't able to nurse well. I think the only thing keeping me from being terrified during that time was all of the medication still in my system. Sometime after 7p, the night nurse came in and asked when my padding had last been changed. When I told her it never had been, she got really upset on my behalf. She made sure to check in regularly throughout the night, which I really appreciated.

The next morning, they removed the epidural and the catheter. Phillip went to work. His coworkers still tease him about it, but he didn't have many days off and we wanted to save them for after I went home. In the hospital, I was getting help from the nurses (at least, that was the plan). The new day shift nurse was really nice and extremely helpful. I had to get a Remicade infusion, so they took Elizabeth for several hours so I could receive it and get some sleep while I did (it always knocks me out for a bit).

I am embarrassed to admit that I never saw a meconium diaper! Between Phillip and the nurses, I never had to change one!

Because of my Crohn's, I don't absorb oral medication very well. Lortab, Percocet, all of them don't phase me at all. I don't get loopy or tired, and I don't get any pain relief. I had discussed this with the OB in advance, and we agreed that I would try a pain pill but if it didn't work, she would have standing orders in the computer that I could have IV pain meds. They totally dropped the ball on that. So after the epidural meds wore off all the way, I was post-c-section without any pain relief. I took the pill as told (didn't work, as I had predicted). By the time it "wore off," a different doctor was on shift and insisted I try it again before they allowed any IV morphine. As a result, I didn't get any kind of pain medication at all until about 3a - almost 24 hours after the epidural stuff had worn off. But honestly, the pain wasn't that much worse than Crohn's pain. The nurses were impressed by my pain tolerance.

The doctors asked me Friday if I'd rather go home on Saturday or Sunday. I was terrified to go home with a baby that still wasn't nursing well; we were syringe feeding her still, and I was trying to use the nipple shield. The doctors and lactation consultant told us she was tongue-tied and took her to snip it, but came back and said they couldn't do it because it wasn't just a tiny bit attached - instead, her entire tongue was pretty much attached to the bottom of her mouth. In order to fix it, they'd need to do major surgery, which can't be done until after 6 months of age (general anesthetic). (As we found out later, they were wrong in the diagnosis.) But because she had lost weight down to 4 lbs. and were thinking of putting her in the NICU, we decided I should stay until Sunday. That way she could stay with me to try to gain weight back and I could keep getting IV pain meds (I'd have to go home without a way to control pain).

Remicade infusions usually give me migraines, so I wasn't all that surprised when I got one on Friday. When it continued into Saturday night, I began to wonder if it was due to the morphine. It didn't ease at the next dose, however, and would worsen every time I sat or stood up. Laying down flat, I was fine, though. Saturday morning I got up to straighten up the room when the doctor came in. After about 30 seconds, I interrupted her and said, "Excuse me, I'm going to go throw up now." The pain from the migraine was that blinding. I ~~rushed~~ slowly made it to the bathroom, trying to throw up while holding my hair back with one hand and gripping my incision with the other. I didn't want my insides to come bursting out with all the pressure! The doctor very kindly came in and held my hair back for me so I could hold my stomach. Afterwards, she said, "Wow, I've never seen someone throw up so gracefully before!" I responded, "I've had a lot of practice."

In the middle of all of this, they had the professional photographer come in for her free shoot.

They determined that the epidural site was leaking spinal fluid, which was what was causing the migraine. I was told to spend Saturday flat on my back, drinking tons of caffeine, and in the dark to see if it would close on its own. That was hard since I was still trying to nurse each time Lizzy was hungry. By this point were really doing ok with it, just supplementing with the syringe and donated milk occasionally. Each time I sat up, my head felt like it was going to explode. Sunday morning they said they were going to re-insert the epidural, take blood from my arm, and use it to patch the site. They would also keep me for another day to make sure I healed ok. It worked out perfectly, because my mom would be flying in Monday afternoon.

I loved having Phillip there over the weekend. It was wonderful to see him with Lizzy and spend time together, just the three of us.

By Monday, my headache was gone. My mom flew in in the afternoon, and came straight to the hospital. When she walked in, she asked if Lizzy was in the nursery. She was actually cuddled on me under the gown, but you could only see the top of her head - she was so little!

I felt a lot less scared going home with my mom there. Phillip and I wouldn't be on our own with no clue what to do - there was a professional there now!

We absolutely love our little girl. The past three months have been the most beautiful, challenging, exhausting, wonderful of our lives. She has brought so much to our little family. Her fiesty, fiery personality (coupled with her red hair) has made it enjoyable (although sometimes I wish she were a little more calm!). She is perfect. Even through two surgeries and now starting to teethe, she is happy and smiley. We are so glad to have her!

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Why Bad Things Happen to Good People

2013-09-10T02:45:00.001-06:00

It's 2:30 am. I probably shouldn't be writing a blog post at this ridiculous time of day (seriously, I haven't seen this time since I was a college freshman!) but I have a lot of emotions right now. Well, that's a constant thing, seeing how I am two months postpartum, but it's all so much stronger when it's 2:30a and you have a screaming, crying, hurting 7 week old baby.

No, she's not colicky. In some ways that would be so much easier. It's worse than that. Because I'm the one causing her pain.

When Elizabeth was born, we were told she was tongue-tied. They went to snip it, but the pediatrician came back and said, "Actually, she's not tongue-tied. The entire bottom of her tongue is connected to the bottom of her mouth. There is no way for us to fix this, unless we do major surgery. You don't want that on a 3 day old baby. She should be fine." The lactation consultant (LC) in the hospital added, "She might have a harder time nursing, so here are some nipple shields."

We were told the same thing by two other pediatricians, who added, "She might have some trouble speaking with a lisp, but we'll worry about that when the time comes." I had a couple of sisters who were tongue-tied, and they didn't have it corrected for years, so I didn't have any trouble accepting what the doctors told me.

Fast-forward four weeks. By this point, in addition to the sleep-deprivation that comes from a new baby, I was in extreme pain. The nipple shields were causing damage (yes, I know they come in different sizes). My little girl was having green diarrhea (mistakenly diagnosed as a milk protein allergy), which we later discovered was because of a foremilk-hindmilk imbalance since her suck was so weak that after 30 minutes on one breast she had less than an ounce, and then I would have to switch sides because I was in so much pain.

I broke down and decided we needed to see a lactation consultant, even though it was close to $100 per visit and would not be covered by insurance. She took one look and exclaimed, "She's tongue-tied! Pretty badly, too." Apparently Elizabeth's tongue-tie was unique - a posterior tongue tie - and it was pretty severe. The LC told me that the pediatricians were mostly correct about it needing an ENT to correct it, EXCEPT there was one dentist in the whole of Houston that had a laser who could cut it.

After doing a lot of research, we decided to pay the $400 (again, not covered by insurance) to have her tongue-tie fixed with the laser. It was less painful, had quicker healing time, and wouldn't have any sedation (one of the reasons why the pediatricians strongly urged to not do the surgery). We set an appointment for the following Monday, with Elizabeth about 4 1/2 weeks old.

I did not anticipate this being the most difficult, painful, heart-breaking experience of my life.

As instructed, I brought Elizabeth hungry to the appointment. I foolishly did not bring any expressed milk; in my naive optimism, I thought she'd be able to latch on right away and nurse even better. I was given a pair of goggles, and they began to work while she was strapped into her carseat.

Because she would need to eat immediately afterwards in order to get comfort and healing from breastmilk, they did not numb her. As they began to cut, my feelings of enthusiasm quickly turned to tears. She was crying, angry at first about being woken up, the bright lights, and having her mouth forced open. Her angry wails became a high-pitched scream of pain. I had to turn myself away, and eventually move to the corner of the room. Tears began to poor down my face and it took all my willpower not to run over and stop the whole procedure, to gather her in my aching arms and protect her from the pain.

After an eternity passed, they handed her to me. Blood was pouring out of her mouth, and they very kindly and understandingly told me that she now needed to nurse. Let's just say that the next 60 minutes were pure torture. The blood made latching on almost impossible, the pain made sucking even more impossible, but hunger kept her crying and rooting. After over what was probably the longest hour I have ever experienced and lots of prayer, she kind of latched on, sucked for about 10 minutes, and fell into an exhausted sleep.

I just wanted to get home. I wanted to get milk for her so she could really eat, then cuddle with her, skin-to-skin, for the rest of the day. As I paid and we started to leave, the ~~devil~~ dentist told me that for the next three weeks I would need to "massage" the area under tongue and the bottom of her mouth (the raw, gaping wound she had) every single time she ate, halfway through feeding. This was to strengthen the muscles and prevent it from growing back.

I faithfully followed this directive, even though it caused tears on both ends. She would scream every time I tried to latch her on; the feel of her lips on my skin brought back painful, traumatic memories. Only after two weeks was she able to feel my breast on her mouth without screaming and pushing away, and this only after she was full. We syringe-fed and then switched to a bottle, with me pumping at every feeding. This has caused a complete loss of sleep since each feeding is about a two-hour process on my own (between bottle, pumping, etc.). Even with Phillip's help at night, the entire thing takes over an hour to complete.

We saw an Occupational Therapist (OT) because she had a weak suck, and were given exercises to strengthen her mouth, tongue, cheeks, and lips. After about two weeks I was finally starting to get my little girl back. Her diapers had become normal (no more black from all the swallowed blood, and no more green diarrhea since she had a healthy mix of foremilk/hindmilk), and she even had her first smile. She was awake and alert in between feedings, whereas for the first week she would wake up crying, only to eat and fall back asleep in pain. I was so thrilled to have my happy, alert baby back!

Imagine my horror last week to realize that in spite of this, her tongue had begun to re-attach itself to the bottom of her mouth. I immediately emailed the dentist (who is actually quite nice, caring, and supportive), and we had to repeat the entire procedure a couple of days ago. This time the actual cutting went much better (and I was wise enough to bring a bottle). The massages afterwards, however, have become terrible. Even with baby tylenol the hour or so before, it still hurts her more than it ever did before. Each feeding comes with tears on both sides as I rub her gaping wound, my fingerpad fitting deep into the cut hole, tearing away at scar tissue so as not to have to repeat this a third time. Those 10 seconds feel like 10 years.

As I held my poor, crying baby tonight, I could help but sob myself, as I have so many times in the last few days. She kept looking up at me with big eyes filled with tears, hoarsely weeping pitifully because she had worn herself out from crying. I could just imagine her asking, "Why, Mommy? Why are you hurting me? It hurts so bad. Why are you doing this to me? Did I do something wrong? You're supposed to take care of me. Why are you doing this?"

There was no way to explain to my 7 week old how necessary this was. She would need to eat solid foods. She would need to learn how to talk. I wanted her to be able to even lick an ice cream cone! But she didn't understand any of that. All she knew was that it hurt right now.

In that moment, I had a flash of insight. Oftentimes we ask ourselves why bad things happen to good people. Why sometimes trials just don't make sense. Why God allows so much hurt and evil to go on in the world. If He really existed, why would He allow all of this go to on unchecked?

The answer is because He loves us and is doing what is best for us. In our young minds (young compared to eternity), we do not understand all of the complexities of life and beyond. We do not always see down the road and view mortality with an eternal perspective. We are like my little baby girl: we only know that it hurts right now. We can't comprehend solid foods and talking without a lisp. It brings meaning to the scripture in 1 Corinthians 3:2, "I have fed you with milk, and not with meat: for hitherto ye were not able to bear it, neither yet now are ye able."

I can see it now: We cry out to the Lord in prayer, "Why, Heavenly Father? This hurts so bad. Why are You doing this to me? Did I do something wrong? If You love me, why would You allow this to happen? Why would You cause this?"

He may not be able to answer in a way that we can understand, just like I couldn't tell my daughter why this was for her good. Instead, if we allow, He pulls us close to Him. He rocks us at his chest, hugs us, kisses our heads, and cries along with us. Moses 7 beautifully illustrates this:

28 And it came to pass that the God of heaven looked upon the residue of the people, and he wept; and Enoch bore record of it, saying: How is it that the heavens weep, and shed forth their tears as the rain upon the mountains?
29 And Enoch said unto the Lord: How is it that thou canst weep, seeing thou art holy, and from all eternity to all eternity?
30 And were it possible that man could number the particles of the earth, yea, millions of earths like this, it would not be a beginning to the number of thy creations; and thy curtains are stretched out still; and yet thou art there, and thy bosom is there; and also thou art just; thou art merciful and kind forever;
31 And thou hast taken Zion to thine own bosom, from all thy creations, from all eternity to all eternity; and naught but peace, justice, and truth is the habitation of thy throne; and mercy shall go before thy face and have no end; how is it thou canst weep?
32 The Lord said unto Enoch: Behold these thy brethren; they are the workmanship of mine own hands.

I am grateful for this small insight into the love of our Heavenly Father. Being a mother has given me a window into the heart of our God and the love He has for His children. As Elizabeth and I (and Phillip, poor man) go through this, I know that one day it will all be gone. The pain of this life will fade into a distant memory, just as Elizabeth's pain will pass and she will eventually forget all of it.

We can trust that Heavenly Father is doing this for our good, even though we may not see it yet or understand it.

Doctrine and Covenants 122:5-7

5 If thou art called to pass through tribulation; if thou art in perils among false brethren; if thou art in perils among robbers; if thou art in perils by land or by sea;
6 If thou art accused with all manner of false accusations; if thine enemies fall upon thee; if they tear thee from the society of thy father and mother and brethren and sisters; and if with a drawn sword thine enemies tear thee from the bosom of thy wife, and of thine offspring, and thine elder son, although but six years of age, shall cling to thy garments, and shall say, My father, my father, why can’t you stay with us? O, my father, what are the men going to do with you? and if then he shall be thrust from thee by the sword, and thou be dragged to prison, and thine enemies prowl around thee like wolves for the blood of the lamb;
7 And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.

In our time of sorrow and heartache, we are not alone. As a way to bring us comfort, our loving Father in Heaven allowed His Son to not only take upon Him our sins, but to also feel our sorrows and pain along with us.

Alma 7:11-13

11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.
12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.
13 Now the Spirit knoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that he might take upon him the sins of his people, that he might blot out their transgressions according to the power of his deliverance; and now behold, this is the testimony which is in me.

Isaiah 53:3-5

3 He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
4 Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.
5 But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.

The next time you are hurting, feeling alone, and wondering, "Why?", just remember that the Lord is there with you. He knows exactly how you're feeling. And if you turn to Him, you will feel His arms around you. He will be there to rock you, to hug you, to kiss you, and to comfort you. Even if He can't take away your circumstances or your pain, He IS there, with His arms tight around you, crying with you. And He will never, ever leave you alone.

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Happy Birthday, Elizabeth - part 2

2013-08-29T15:18:00.003-06:00

Read Part 1 here.

After we brought all of our luggage in the surgery prep/recovery room, they had me change and get into one of their extremely fashionable hospital gowns. They hooked me up to monitors and an IV (psh, painless), and then a nurse came in to shave me, which was probably the most awkward thing I've experienced.....and I've experienced a lot of awkward!

The different doctors all came in and introduced themselves at different times over the next 30 minutes or so. Since it's a teaching hospital for Baylor School of Medicine, each main doctor had at least a ~~puppy~~ resident or two with them. There were OBs, anesthesiologists, pediatricians, and even a GI/surgeon on-call just in case they messed up my intestines (with Crohn's, that's always a concern). I had met the OB for the first time the week before and she seemed pretty nice. My favorite was the anesthesiologist. He was really quirky but super kind, as was his ~~puppy~~ resident. Come to think of it, every anesthesiologist I've ever had has been pretty weird......

The nurse gave Phillip a gown, hat, and mask to put on. They explained they would take me into the surgery room, get me prepped (epidural, etc.) and then would bring Phillip in a bit later. It was perfect timing to give Phillip his "Father's Day" present. The night before I had a hard time falling asleep. I had this brilliant idea that I wanted to give Phillip a gift, but it was too late to buy anything! He absolutely loves the movie "Land Before Time" and has repeatedly said that he hoped Lizzy would "yawn like a baby dinosaur" (referencing the yawn that Littlefoot makes in the movie).

To compare: (Phillip was SO excited to get a picture of her first yawn, he had to come tell me. I asked if she yawned like Little Foot, and he said, "YES! SHE DID!!!")

So I ordered the movie on Amazon and then printed out a picture of Littlefoot yawning and wrote a sappy, cute note. I told Phillip to open it while I was in the other room.

They took me away to the surgery room, where they inserted the epidural and helped me lay down. Let me tell you, that was a bit weird (but not painful because they numbed the area with Lidocaine first). My legs felt like they weighed about 100 pounds each. Then they put up a curtain at my chest so I couldn't see the other side (I had asked if I could watch, but they wouldn't let me).

About this point I started feeling panicky. I kept looking around for Phillip, but he wasn't there yet. Then they started cutting! We had been told that they might start a bit before he got there, but they promised they'd wait for him before getting too far into it. In spite of this, I started getting worried and anxious. But he came, and they continued.
When I was told that there would be pressure, I thought that people meant there would be pressure down on you, like something heavy. Instead, the pressure seemed to come from the inside. It was the most bizarre sensation I've probably ever felt, and I did not like it at all. I was still a little panicky and I started feeling nauseated. They promised to give me a little bit of something as soon as they cut the cord.

Next thing I knew, I heard a doctor say, "There she is! Welcome to the world, Elizabeth! Happy birthday!" and a baby start ~~wailing~~ crying. Phillip gasped, and I turned to look at him. He had tears in his eyes, and I started tearing up as well.

The doctors took her over to be cleaned up, and Phillip got to go over with her while I watched on a TV screen near the bed. My poor little girl kept screaming her head off, and she wasn't turning pink. They gave her oxygen and I really started panicking then because no one was telling me what was going on. I kept asking if she was okay, but no one would answer. Finally one doctor came over and told me that she was very small - 4 pounds, 8 ounces, and 17 inches. He said if she had been just one ounce smaller that she would have had to go to NICU and that the oxygen was just for a minute to get her "pinked up." Her APGAR scores were 8 and 8, so pretty good for such a small baby (yeah, that "weak cry" score was going to be a 2).

About that time, I started feeling really nauseated and reminded the anesthesiologist that they were going to give me something. They started pumping me with Phenegran (Zofran has never worked on me), but it was too late. Someone hastily handed me a bag, but I was being sewn closed and couldn't move. I tried to turn my head to the side but gravity was not in favor of the bag and I ended up just throwing up all over the side of my face and into my hair. Lovely.

But I forgot about all of that a minute later when they brought me my baby to hold for the first time. She was beautiful. She had been screaming the entire time until I took her in my arms. She immediately stopped, opened her eyes (for the first time ever, Phillip later told me), and just looked up at me. It felt like time stopped, and it was just Phillip, Elizabeth, and me as the only people in the whole world.

TO BE CONTINUED......STAY TUNED FOR PART 3!

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Advice for Newlyweds

2013-08-18T10:01:00.000-06:00

My sister was married a couple of months ago. I wasn't able to make it to the wedding because it was 10 days before I had my baby, but I flew up to Utah the month prior for her bridal shower instead. We were given a piece of paper and asked to answer several questions. The last question asked, "What piece of advice would you like to give Michelle?"

I spent a lot of time thinking about that. There was so much that I wanted to tell my sister. It's a joke in our family that if any of the kids wants a lecture, they don't go to our parents, but they go to me. As the oldest, I see it as my solemn responsibility to tell my younger siblings just exactly what they should do and how it should be done. :)

All joking aside, as I ~~pondered on~~ (this isn't Sunday School!) thought about what I wanted to write on that paper, I realized I wouldn't have enough space to say everything that I wanted to. There are so many things that I wish I would have known at the beginning of my marriage. I am absolutely certain I'll keep learning things along the way, but there are some things that I've learned that I wish every new wife or fiance understood.

**Note: these are intended for healthy relationships. If you are in an abusive relationship of any kind, please realize that these do not necessarily apply to the abusive partner.**

Men are more sensitive than you think
The stereotype is that women are emotional and sensitive, and men are clueless and insensitive. While to some extent that can be true, most of the time it's simply inadvertent and the man is just sticking his foot in his mouth. When I was 8 months pregnant and not feeling well, my husband offered to carry me to the shower so I wouldn't have to actually get up. I said, "Honey, I weight 170 pounds." After a long pause he said, "Yeah, I guess that would be tough."

Yep, definitely putting his foot in his mouth. He was referring to the fact that he hadn't worked out at the gym in a couple of months, but it just came out all wrong! I just had to laugh at him. Most of the time he then realizes what he says and starts apologizing and explaining. I'm not always able to laugh; sometimes I cry. But he never, ever would intentionally hurt me. In fact, Phillip does everything in his power to make me happy.

Even though it may seem as though he is insensitive, the opposite couldn't be more true. Husbands are extremely vulnerable to their wives. I wish I would have known that more at the beginning of my marriage. Some women joke about having to "train" their husbands to clean up after themselves, etc. I've never appreciated that sentiment. I remember telling my dad about a month after the wedding that Phillip was a typical guy and he was learning how to be more sensitive with an emotional woman. My dad responded, "It is NOT your job to teach your husband. That's the Lord's job and the world will teach him plenty. Your job is to support and love your husband."

A wife's opinion of her husband is the most important thing in the world to him. He wants to please her. Just one word or glance has the power to make him feel as though he can conquer the world or as if he is a dismal failure. Please remember that next time he does something silly and you just want to "go off" at him. He didn't mean it. He loves you. He only wants to please you.

Your husband is a son of God
Yes, I know that we all know that we're children of God. We sing a hymn to that effect often. But your husband is an individual, beloved child of Heavenly Father. And as discussed in the last point, he is also been placed in an extremely vulnerable position by being married to you. You have so much power in his life now.

In making sacred temple covenants, your Heavenly Father is showing tremendous trust and faith in you. In essence, He is saying, "Here is my precious child. I am putting Him in your care. His growth, his strength, his desire to succeed will be more influenced by your treatment of him than anyone or anything in the world. Please, take care of him. Love him. Treat him well."

Your husband would be devastated to think that you have a low opinion of you. Because I didn't understand these concepts the first couple of months of my marriage, I had Phillip so stressed out about pleasing me and making me happy. It didn't help that I was so sick and there was nothing he could do about it. He would worry and stress during the day at work and school if he was making me happy enough. Once I finally got it through my thick head just how much it hurt my husband if I wasn't happy, I spent months and months reassuring him that I love him, that I'm happy with him, and that I think he's wonderful. I really should have been doing that all along.

In the MTC the branch president's wife was giving us advice on living with companions. She said, "My husband is perfect. Not because he never makes a mistake, but because I choose to see him that way." Choose to see the perfection, the potential, and the love from your husband.

The Lord is a third partner in your marriage
Even though your husband loves you, he will from time to time say something that hurts your feelings or will forget to do something you asked him to do. When that happens, instead of getting frustrated, make the Lord the third partner in your marriage. Here is an example of how to do that:

You've just spent the afternoon slaving over dinner. You've made your husband's favorite to surprise him, and you eagerly wait for him to arrive home so you can see the look on his face. As you hear the car pull up, you finish setting the table and excitedly wait for him to come in the door. He comes in from a long day at work and says, "Oh good, dinner's ready." He then snarfs down his food and heads off to work on homework or watch TV. (This has never, ever happened in our house!)

At this point, your feelings are pretty hurt. You have a couple of options. You can cry and clean up, letting frustration, hurt, and resentment build up. Or you can follow him to wherever he went and let him know just exactly how you're feeling, which most likely will end in a fight.

Or you can choose to turn to your other Partner, the other Person with with whom you made covenants. You can go to a quiet place, kneel in prayer, and say, "Heavenly Father, I worked hard tonight to make this special dinner for my husband. I am feeling sad and hurt and unappreciated right now. I just wanted to please him. Did I please Thee? Did the time I took to serve my husband in this make Thee pleased with my efforts as a wife? Please help me to feel the love and appreciation I was looking for, and to not feel hurt or upset with him." I can promise you that that prayer will be answered every time. You'll be comforted and feel the Lord's approval of your actions, and then you'll be in the right frame of mind to discuss the situation with your husband if you still feel like you need to.

Start your marriage the right way
When we were engaged, Phillip's stake president gave him this piece of advice: "At the end of your wedding day, when you get to the hotel, sit down and write in your journal before you go to bed. Even waiting that one night to write will cause you to lose a lot of the emotion and memory of the day." I am so glad that we did that. I recently read Phillip's entry from that day, and it was extremely touching.

Another friend gave me this advice: "Before going to bed that night, read your scriptures and say a prayer. You've just started a new family, and you should start it the right way." We did that, after I had showered and gotten ready for bed, and it brought the Spirit into that first night, our honeymoon, and our marriage. It set the tone of having the Lord as the third partner in our marriage, and helped make our wedding night beautiful. Sitting and reading and praying together for the first time in that romantic bed and breakfast is probably what I remember most about our honeymoon. Each time I think back on it, I feel the Spirit all over again.

Pee after sex
Seriously. You don't want a urinary tract infection, especially on your honeymoon. Even if it's only a few drops, you should always go to the bathroom after sex. For the rest of your married life.

Prepare for children
Along with building good habits like scripture study and FHE, you should also begin to plan temporally for children. Begin saving: babies are expensive! Also start stocking up - a pack of diapers a month won't break the bank for you now, but it will help when that darling poop machine comes along and you go through a giant pack a week.

Also buy shirts and dresses that are conducive to nursing or you'll spend a year wearing t-shirts or breaking the bank finding new cute clothes.

Communicate openly
In case you hadn't realized it yet, your husband can't read your mind! This may come as a shock to you if you haven't learned it already. If you want him to do something, you need to tell him. You don't come with a manual - if you're sad or upset, he has no idea what to do to help. You need to tell him that you need a hug, that you want him to surprise you with flowers sometime, that he really needs to give you some space. It still comes from the heart when he does it, and he'll eventually start to be able to predict a little bit about what to do in any given situation. Ladies, half the time WE don't know what's wrong or what we want, so how can he be expected to?

Don't be afraid to talk about the hard things. Or to talk about anything, for that matter. If you aren't sure about something, ask him! My brother recently got into a relationship that was long-distance for a short amount of time. He called me to ask what the proper protocol was for long-distance: who calls whom, when to call, how often, etc. I told him what had worked for Phillip and me, and then I said, "But why didn't you just ask her?" Talking about things, no matter how trivial or embarrassing, will take out most of the drama in a relationship.

Don't put up walls. As women, when our feelings are hurt, we tend to withdraw so that we don't become hurt again. I can't say it enough: DO NOT do that with your husband. He won't understand why, he'll be hurt, and in the long run it can lead to infidelity. As hard and painful as it is, keep talking. Keep trusting. Keep confiding. It's okay if you have a fight, but go make up afterwards. Talk about it and learn from it. But stay open with one another.

Have a budget
Don't just make a budget, but talk about it and work on it together. For the first several months of our marriage, I would keep track of the budget and Phillip would just spend money. Not that he spent a ton, but he just wasn't aware of how much was left in the budget. When we started sitting down once every couple of weeks so I could show it to him and ask what he thought, then things became much more smooth. Most divorces are in part caused by disagreements over finances.

Even if you have a steady income that exceeds what you spend, still build good habits by budgeting and putting money into savings. You'll be glad that you did.

Agree on a friend
Lastly, there will be times when you're going to need to go out and vent to your girlfriend or your mom or somebody other than your husband. This isn't a bad thing, but it's difficult for husbands to understand because they don't have that same need. When they hear or find out you've been talking about them, especially in a negative way, it's extremely painful (it goes back to the whole vulnerable-to-his-wife thing). At the same time, however, if you keep all of those emotions in when you need to vent, you'll explode. You don't want to necessarily vent to him or you'll hurt his feelings. But you don't want to violate his trust by talking about your personal problems with everyone and anyone.

In order to find a balance with this, Phillip and I sat down and agreed on two friends that he felt comfortable with me talking to about personal things. He ~~understood~~ respected that I needed to have someone to talk to when I needed to vent or needed advice. I knew that he needed to feel safe in our relationship. He asked that these two people not be members of my family, so we agreed on two of my friends that he had met and trusted to be discrete and to give good advice.

Along these same lines, please don't ever belittle your husband in public, whether he's there or not. Sometimes as women in groups we "joke" about how messy our husbands are, etc. One time my mom was at a Relief Society retreat when the women began making those kinds of comments. She felt a little uncomfortable because she never participated when that would happen. Another woman in the ward whose husband had recently died of cancer and left her with three very young children to raise alone said, "I would give anything to be able to pick up my husband's dirty laundry again." It silenced the women as they realized just how blessed they were to still have their partners with them.

I hope that this advice helps you and strengthens your marriage. These are things that I wish I would have understood at the beginning. Now that I do, it makes my relationship with my husband that much stronger.

What is some of the best marriage advice that you received?

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Happy Birthday, Elizabeth - part 1.

2013-08-04T07:50:00.001-06:00

Now that things have (kind of) settled down, I thought I'd share Elizabeth's birthday story. Even though it was a scheduled c-section, it still has it's own uniqueness, I think. I'm going to do this in parts, simply because I realized partway through just how long it was. And we all know how I like to talk!!

A few weeks before the c-section, I went in for my weekly check-up. Because I had a high-risk pregnancy, I was seen by neonatologist (high-risk doctors who work in maternal fetal medicine). We decided to go with Texas Children's, which is one of the top ranked in the country. The doctor who heads the MFM department is a former partner of my doctors I had in Utah, so they were able to refer me to him. TX Children's has a separate building that is just for childbirth; it's more like a birthing center than a hospital, only with doctors in addition to midwives.

Each week, we would always do a non-stress test and a BPP (ultrasound) and measure her growth. The doctors were getting concerned that she was so small - they had her measured in less than the fifth percentile. This particular day, as we were doing the non-stress test, her heartbeat started become irregular. The nurse asked me how far away Phillip worked and then said, "Well, you'd better call him, because we're sending you upstairs to the labor and delivery floor to be monitored. You'll most likely be having your baby today."

I started panicking slightly - I wasn't packed, I had the car that day, the house wasn't clean, we didn't have all of our baby things....I was only 34 weeks! I decided, though, to wait until the doctor came in and actually told me I was having the baby then before I called Phillip and put him in a panic. I'm glad I did, because after two hours of observation, they decided to just send me home and have me start coming in twice a week instead of once week. I told Phillip about it later that night, and he was glad I hadn't told him. Otherwise he would have just sat at work and worried!

We proceeded to do this at EVERY SINGLE APPOINTMENT for the next three weeks. I'm not even kidding. They'd freak out about something on the ultrasound or non-stress test: decelerations, size, elevated Dopplers.....I'd get sent up to the 5th floor to be observed for a few hours, and then they'd send me home. It was a little stressful each time I went in: I'd clean the whole house and pack up, just in case. I also switched OB's at the same time; I was less than impressed with the one I'd been assigned, and she wasn't the one scheduled to do the c-section.

The day before the c-section I was 37 weeks exactly, so I barely made it to full-term. I needed to get a Remicade treatment that week for my Crohn's. I wasn't supposed to get them after 32 weeks, and I couldn't delay it because I was already starting to flare. So instead of her due date of August 6, we were having her on July 17.

Since the day had finally come, I went into a cleaning frenzy. I scrubbed every bathroom and cleaned everything. By the time Phillip got home, I'd only gotten half of the things done on my to-do list, so I put him to work as well. While making lasagna for dinner, I was distracted trying to multi-task, and I managed to flip about half a cup of boiling water onto my neck, chest, and down my shirt. Luckily it didn't blister, but it was pretty painful. I also totally destroyed the cookies I was trying to make to give to the nurses. At that point I was so exhausted and overwhelmed, I just started crying. Poor Phillip!

Finally the morning came, after a long night of bizarre dreams. We needed to be at the center at 8:30a and would have to fight rush hour traffic, so we left about 7a. I was nervous and in a bit of shock - it didn't seem quite real yet. We checked in at the hospital. Haha, I had packed so many things that I didn't even end up using while I was there. I felt like we were checking into a hotel. Since the hospital was in the opposite direction from Phillip's work than our home, he also packed up to just stay with us at the hospital. I felt like we were checking into a hotel with my suitcase, his bag, and a diaper bag.

Supplement Your Income
Here are websites that I have tested and work for supplementing your income at home.
Note: if you do decide to sign up for any of these, please use the links I've provided below. They are my referral links, and sometimes you get benefits for people who sign up under you.
Swagbucks
Earn gift cards by just searching the web, watching music videos, clipping coupons, shopping online, and many other ways!
Slice the Pie
Earn money reviewing music.
Jingit
Earn money watching commercials and scanning barcodes at the store.
Paid Viewpoint
Earn money taking quizzes.
Locket
App for your phone that gives you a penny when you unlock your phone. Click on this link with your phone.
FreeMyApps
Earn gift cards by downloading free apps on your phone. Click on this link with your phone.

Inbox Dollars

Earn cash by reading emails, taking surveys, watching ads, playing games, searching the web, and more.

Money Management

2013-07-05T10:28:00.002-06:00

Warning: this is a long post with a TON of information!

Right after we got married, Phillip and I were both working full-time. I knew, though, that it was only a temporary state of being. He was going to be returning to his last year of undergrad, and would need to go down to working part-time. After all of my health complications last summer, we decided that I also needed to go down to working part-time. Then I got pregnant, and it became clear that I wouldn't be able to work at all. Plus, having a feeding tube coming out of your nose makes it a little difficult for your high school students to take you seriously!

For my husband's last semester at BYU, we were living off of just his part-time income, plus trying to save money and pay medical bills (I was hospitalized 14 times in 2012). We eventually took out some student loans (for the first time!) in order to make ends meet. That was a hard decision for us, and neither of us had debt of any kind before.

We had to make a lot of changes in our attitudes and views towards money. While we never were rich, going from two full-time incomes down to one half-time income in less than 6 months was a huge change! Since I had nothing better to do once I stopped working (and I was stuck in bed for a while), I began combing through Pinterest to find ways to save money and live more frugally.

Even though Phillip is now graduated and working full-time at a good job, we moved across the country, bought a house, and are having a baby in a few weeks. Plus paying off medical bills and student loans. So even though income has increased, we're still living as frugally as we can in order to pay off mortgage, student loans, and medical bills as quickly as we can.

I know there are so many different ways to live frugally out there, but not all of them worked well for us. I want to share the tips and tricks that have worked the best for us. These are the ones that were the most practical for our situation.

Groceries and Food
This was probably the biggest change that we had to make. Our monthly food expenses were getting out of control. A lot of that was my fault. I had been working full-time, and then I was sick. It made wanting to cook very, very difficult. As a result, we ate out a lot and bought a ton of frozen food. We were spending over twice what we had spent before we were married! I knew that this would be the biggest way we would save money with not a lot of changes.

My first step was to figure out how to do our grocery shopping. So many websites talk about couponing, but I had no idea what it was that I wanted to buy! I had a hard time sitting down each week to make a menu, and as a result just got frustrated. I would buy things on sale that we would never use, but I bought them because I had a coupon and that's what I was supposed to do to save money. I finally decided that first I had to figure out what we were eating, and then shop to that as opposed to eating what I bought.

My brilliant idea was to not do just a week's worth of menu planning, but to do an entire month. I bought a whiteboard calendar and magnets. On each magnet I wrote a meal that we both liked that I knew how to make. At the beginning of each month (or rather, the end of the previous month), I would use the magnets to make out a month's worth of planning. Then I made a giant grocery list of everything I would need to for that month to make the food (minus anything we already had).

Here is my masterpiece:

My next step was to keep an eye on prices. I found that since there were just two of us, buying in bulk at Sams or Costco wasn't going to save us very much and wouldn't be worth the cost of a membership and gas money to make a separate shopping trip. I also found that the best deals on things that we used on a regular basis were at Smith's (or Kroger's or King Soopers, depending on where you live). Not only can you save money by getting one of their shopper's cards, but you can download coupons onto their card from online. PLUS you can earn points to get money off of gas if you gas up at one of their gas stations (which are the cheapest ones around anyway).

Let's take last week's shopping trip as an example: I keep an eye on the ads each week, whether or not I'm making a shopping trip. That way if things we would usually eat (noodles, meat, etc.) go on sale, I can just pick them up that week and freeze/store them. Anyway, last week the total for the trip rang up to almost $200. Most of the items were on sale for a lot (where else can you get raspberries for a dollar a container??), and I also found several coupons online. When my card was scanned, it took off over 40% because of the sales savings and coupons, and the groceries were only a little over $100. In addition, we earned over 200 points in gas points, which equates to 20 cents off per gallon when we filled up the car. I was able to get gas for only $3.03 per gallon!

Using the calendar has saved us a ton of money for a lot of reasons:

I go to the grocery store a lot less, saving money in gas and splurge purchases
I know what I'm going to cook each night, which means I am a lot less likely to run out and grab something because I didn't think of dinner until Phillip got home and I have no meat defrosted or food in the house, etc.
I can easily double a meal and Phillip has lots of leftovers to take for lunches to work
If I am too tired to make what I had planned, I just switch nights with something else that's easier.

I do want to point out that sometimes I have to buy groceries during the month, like bananas or avocados, that won't last long enough to buy at the beginning of the month. I try to freeze as much as I can, even the milk. We also have done little things, like switch to oatmeal in the morning instead of eating cold cereal.

Car
We went down to one car when we moved to Houston. I wasn't sure I was going to survive this change! I actually wasn't sure if Phillip would, either. This car was his baby:

Phillip takes the car to work each day, except for days that I have doctor appointments (which has been about once or twice a week). On the days that I have appointments, I drop him off at work and run errands all day long in between appointments. Then I pick him up on my way home.

This has saved us a ton of money in ways that I wouldn't have thought. Not only has it saved on car insurance (obviously), but I also have saved on gas. I manage my time with the car much better, and don't run out for every little thing that I need. I have to wait until it's my day with the car, or I ask Phillip to pick it up on the way home. Fewer trips also means few splurge purchases! We also save a lot of money on car maintenance by having gotten rid of his car.

And in order to make it up to my husband, I replaced his beautiful car with this:

You Need a Budget!
Really, you do! Before I was married, it was easy. I knew what I spent (for the most part), and I kind of kept up with a spreadsheet that kept track of expenses. Quickly, however, I realized that getting married and introducing someone else with different spending habits than myself was going to be more than my once-a-month, keeping-receipts-in-my-purse methods was going to allow. We would have to work together, and that required a lot of communication.

We decided to try a free trial of Mint, but I quickly realized that I didn't like it very much. Although it was free, it was a little too controlling for me. I'm such a Type A personality, and having the system link up to bank account and automatically download my expenditures and categorize them on its own was just a little too stressful for me. Although it meant more work, I wanted something where I could input our expenditures on my own, categorize them how I wanted, and then pick the budget myself. (I majored in math, Phillip in engineering - how hard could it be?) I also didn't feel comfortable with something online having access to my bank accounts. What if it were hacked?

I spent a lot of time reading reviews, and stumbled on the program You Need a Budget, or YNAB. We downloaded the free trial and fell in love with it! It was everything that I wanted. I could input all of our expenditures, decide my own budget, and it would do the calculations for me. It was easier to use than just an Excel spreadsheet and meant less work that way. I believe you can also sync it up to your bank accounts to download expenditures if you want, but I just didn't want to do that. You can also buy an app for it for your phone and sync it in the cloud, so you can enter expenditures right after you make them. Best of all, it only costs $60. It may sound like a lot, but that's only a one-time fee and it has definitely been worth it. Click on the link at the beginning of this paragraph to check it out for yourself! I've kept our budget updated to the exact penny using this program.

Here is the budget page. You can set your own categories and amounts:

Here is the expenditures page, where it lists all of the incoming/outgoing expenses. You can either enter these manually or link to your bank account to download them (I think). One thing that you can see from this page is that you can split one transaction into multiple categories. So if you go to Walmart and buy groceries and also a gift for someone, you can split that up:

Supplement Your Income

Since I have to spend a lot of time laying down (between Crohn's, pancreatitis, and morning sickness that has lasted the whole pregnancy), I try to use my time as productively as I can. As in, not sitting and vegging in front of the TV. I also have horrible, tremendous guilt that my wonderful and amazing husband works hard all day to provide for us while I lounge around. Even though I understand on some level that that's not what is going on, it is still hard for me to accept.

I've spent a lot of time trying to find ways to earn money online. I've tried different websites that claim to let you work from home (for about 5 cents an hour). I've applied for legitimate jobs like being transcribing. I've also tried so many websites that let you take surveys, etc. for points and money. Several ask for way more personal information than I'm willing to give. For all of these, I would suggest setting up a secondary email account that you use just for these.

Note: if you do decide to sign up for any of these, please use the links I've provided below. They are my referral links, and sometimes you get benefits for people who sign up under you.

Swagbucks
This is probably my favorite way to earn money online. It is extremely easy. Instead of earning cash, you earn what are called "Swagbucks." You can use them to purchase gift cards to places like Amazon, Walmart, Target, and even to send money to your PayPal account. 500 Swagbucks is equal to $5 for most of the prizes (a $5 Amazon card is only 450 Swagbucks). So each Swaguck is worth about a penny. I've been a member less than a year, and I've already earned over $150 worth in gift cards. I used them for Christmas presents last year and for most of the birthday presents and other gifts I've bought this year.

Earning Swagbucks is pretty easy. I usually end up getting about 30-50 Swagbucks a day with extremely little effort. Here are some of the things that I do:

Download the search toolbar. Instead of typing in a web address URL, like for Facebook, I "search" it instead. These searches will build up and every once in a while you'll get 10-30 Swagbucks for your search. I literally never, ever use the URL anymore for any website. It only adds a few seconds, but I
Use the website SBcodez. This website posts the different codes each day that show up on the blog, facebook page, and other places that Swagbucks uses to give away free bucks. Each day you can get about 3-10 Swagbucks from these codes. I signed up to get the emails each time a new code is posted.
Take the daily poll (1 swagbuck) and the NOSO pathway (2 swagbucks) each day.
Watch the ads - each one is worth a swagbuck or two.

You can also earn Swagbucks when you make purchases online. There are hundreds of websites that give you Swagbucks for buying through them, including Walmart and Target. Usually it's about 2-4 Swagbucks per dollar you spend. Just make sure that you search for that website and click on the "Shop Now" button instead of just going to the website itself.

Slice the Pie
If you like listening to music, this is the perfect website for you. Upcoming artists post their songs on this website. You listen to the song (at least the first 90 seconds of it) and do a review of it. Each review that you do is work about 7-12 cents, depending on the quality of your review. The more reviews you do and the better their quality, the higher your ranking. Those with the highest ranking can earn up to 30 cents per review. I like to listen to the songs while I'm doing something else on the computer. When the 90 seconds are up (or the entire song if you liked the song), you just switch over, type the review, move on to the next song, and go back to what you were doing. You can earn quite a bit of money this way! Not enough to make up for not having a full-time job, but this one really can add up.

When you cash out, the money is sent to your Paypal account. For this website, the email address that you use to sign up with is the email address they will use to look for your Paypal account....so you can't use a dummy email account unless you set up a Paypal account with that email address as well. I haven't gotten any spam from them, though, other than a daily email from Slice the Pie which is nice because it reminds me to go their website.

Pinecone Research
The problem with most survey sites is that it is difficult to qualify for a survey. You spend several minutes answering questions for each survey, only to be told that you don't qualify or they already have enough participants of your demographic. That can be frustrating. Pinecone Research will only send you surveys that you qualify for, and they pay a lot - $3 per survey, and each survey takes only about 20 minutes. Granted, there is only about one survey per week, but it can add up. Plus, they will often send you samples in the mail to try and then take a survey about.

The downside to Pinecone Research is that it is hard to join. They do not actively recruit and you cannot sign up on their website. Instead, throughout the year they will post ads on different websites saying that they are accepting applications. I was able to sign up because I started at this website, and from there began googling different ways to sign up for Pinecone Research. I was eventually led to a site with a banner ad that had an active link.

When you cash out, you can get the money sent to Paypal or mailed to you as a check.

Jingit
This website is a bit similar to Slice the Pie (see above). Instead of listening to music, you watch commercials and then answer a couple of questions about the commercial.

While the commercials themselves don't really add up to a lot, you can also earn money at the store. If you download the Jingit app on your iPhone or Android, you can go to Target, Walmart, CVS, or Walgreens and "check in." They will have a list of items that you can scan at the score, and you can earn money that way. Right now I have a list for Walmart items that adds up to over $10 needing to be scanned (each item you scan is worth anywhere from 25 cents to $2). Please note that you are not buying the item, just scanning the barcode!

Cashing out with Jingit is a little unique. Once you have $3, you use it to "buy" a Jingit Visa debit card. After you get the card, any money that you earn goes on the debit card and can be used at stores.

Paid Viewpoint and Instant Cash Sweepstakes
These two sites are also survey sites, but again, they work very differently than most. They do not accumulate money very quickly, but it is there. Paid Viewpoint has about a five-minute every day or two, and you earn 10 cents per survey. Instant Cash Sweepstakes has several 3-question surveys every 3 hours, and you earn a couple of cents each for each set of surveys. ICS also lets you earn tickets and coins that are entered into sweepstakes to earn more money, although I've never won any. When you cash out of either of these places, the money gets sent to a Paypal account.

Inbox Dollars
This is a site that lets you earn cash by reading emails, taking surveys, watching ads, playing games, searching the web, and more. This one again does not let you earn money super quickly (only 2 cents per email), but the little things really do add up. You can cash out and have the money sent to you through Paypal. If you do decide to sign up, please use this banner below to get a $5 sign-up bonus.

Other Tips
These are some other small tips that I've learned a long the way.

Pay as many of your bills online as you can. My bank has a feature where any checks I want to send can be sent for free online. Not only does this save me a stamp and envelope, but it automatically takes it out of my account right away, not when the person cashes it.

If you are LDS (or a member of another strong Christian faith), you can pay your tithing and other offerings with a check that is mailed into Church headquarters, as long as your Church membership number is on there. Since Phillip's income is now salary, I've set up automatic bill pay for the day after his paychecks come in to just mail a check with tithing and fast offerings. There are a multitude of blessings that come from paying tithing. And this way, I never forget to hand it to the Bishop at church on Sunday. The only downside to this is that if it's paid to the Church headquarters instead of through the ward, it won't show up on your tithing settlement (it looks like you've paid nothing all year). But that happens if you move, anyway - your old ward's tithing statement won't show up in your new ward's.

See if other members of your family would be willing to join a family plan with you for your cell phone. Because we are part of a family plan, our two phones that have unlimited data, texting, and more minutes than we need only cost us $75/month. That's cheaper than having just one plan!
For medical expenses, always keep an eye on your Explanation of Benefit statements that you get from your insurance company. Always pay on time. Also, if you have lots of bills at once, see if your hospital or doctor's office will work with you. We qualified for extra help because of our low income at the time, and got most of our bill forgiven. I've also found times where we had met our out-of-pocket maximum, but the insurance hadn't recognized it and wasn't paying the full amount they should have been.
Don't be afraid to buy things on Craigslist. Or see if your community has garage sale or BBBS (beg, barter, buy, and sale) sites on facebook. I have saved so much on baby items and furniture for our house because of them. We got our couches for free because someone didn't like theirs and bought new ones, even though the old ones were hardly used! They had left them on their patio, and after a few days I rang the bell and asked if they were selling them - they just gave them to us, instead!
Before making a big purchase, ask yourself if it is a "want" or a "need." For example, I would love for my husband to have a workout bench since he enjoys lifting weights. Even though I've found great deals for some on Craigslist, we've decided that it's a "want" and we don't need it anymore. We did, however, need to buy new brakes for the car when the old ones completely wore out.
Don't be afraid to ask to borrow things. Some of my maternity clothes are borrowed from a friend who is a similar size (and I'll return the favor when she gets pregnant again next), and some of our baby items are borrowed until we decide if they're something our baby even likes (swing, playground area, etc.)
See if your bank or credit card company has credit cards that allow you to earn points back. Every couple of months we get $25 from the bank because my husband's credit card has a 1% cash-back perk with it. I know that some people say to avoid credit cards, but we pay them off as soon as we put anything on them. We don't even wait for the end of the month, but just transfer the money from our checking account to the credit card each time I update the budget (once a week or more). This builds good credit, and made it so we got a fantastic interest rate on our mortgage.
If you have outstanding loans, such as student loans or mortgage, pay off the principal as quickly as you can.
Put money into savings as often as you can. Anything extra in your budget at the end of the month should go into savings and not be considered extra. That having been said, make sure you budget a little bit of fun money each month for dates or new clothes! Having that extra makes a huge difference in your attitude about budgeting, and can keep you from giving up entirely.

What tips do you have for good money management? Have you tried earning money online? What's the best way that you've found?

Recent Supreme Court Ruling

2013-06-28T07:42:00.001-06:00

I was saddened, but not surprised, by the recent Supreme Court ruling a couple of days ago on DOMA. I reiterate what the LDS Church said in their statement:

"By ruling that supporters of Proposition 8 lacked standing to bring this case to court, the Supreme Court has highlighted troubling questions about how our democratic and judicial system operates. Many Californians will wonder if there is something fundamentally wrong when their government will not defend or protect a popular vote that reflects the views of a majority of their citizens.

"In addition, the effect of the ruling is to raise further complex jurisdictional issues that will need to be resolved.

"Regardless of the court decision, the Church remains irrevocably committed to strengthening traditional marriage between a man and a woman, which for thousands of years has proven to be the best environment for nurturing children. Notably, the court decision does not change the definition of marriage in nearly three-fourths of the states."

I've stated before that I would not be posting the pink equals sign on facebook and explained my reasons why. As I've spoken with my husband and other friends, I'd like to explain a bit more what my thoughts and opinions are on this. I've had some interesting discussions with many people about it, and there are some common questions/arguments that people have who support same-sex marriage.

Isn't it bigoted of you to say that homosexuals shouldn't be allowed to marry? It's just as bad as racists who say that people of difference skin color shouldn't marry.

I don't agree with the idea that homosexual marriage and interracial marriage can be compared. Race is something that you're born with, and nowhere in the Bible does it say that it's a sin to be one color (although many people believed it). On the other hand, the Bible specifically defines marriage as being between a man and a woman, and anything else being a sin. See Matthew 19:4-5 and Romans 1:26-27 and Leviticus 18:22. Also see here for a longer list of scriptures.

There is a large argument on whether or not people are born gay, and I won't weigh in too much on that. I have some of my own thoughts on it. But regardless of where it came from or why, it does not change the fact that to act on it is a sin. However, having those tendencies is NOT a sin in and of itself.

President Gordon B. Hinckley said this, which I love:
"People inquire about our position on those who consider themselves so-called gays and lesbians. My response is that we love them as sons and daughters of God. They may have certain inclinations which are powerful and which may be difficult to control. Most people have inclinations of one kind or another at various times. If they do not act upon these inclinations, then they can go forward as do all other members of the Church. If they violate the law of chastity and the moral standards of the Church, then they are subject to the discipline of the Church, just as others are."

(In fact, that entire article linked above is wonderful. It is the president and Prophet of the LDS Church stating very clearly what the LDS Church's stance is on abortion, homosexuality, polygamy, and other "hard" topics.)

All of this having been said, there is a very big difference between interracial marriage and homosexual marriage. Choosing to act on an inclination or feeling (attraction to same gender) is very different than choosing your skin color.

Why do you care? If they marry, it isn't hurting anyone. The government should only get involved in moral situations if their actions are causing harm to others and infringing on their rights.
First, to some extent, there is discrimination for the other sins that you mentioned - prostitution is illegal, lying under oath can be prosecuted, drug user can go to jail even if they've used them at home alone. Then you have to argue at what point it's endangering another person - NAMBLA, for example, would have you believe that it's real love that can only enrich a person's life. There have been absolutely no studies done on the impact of a child who is raised by two parents of the same gender from a social standpoint.

Or the reverse - we don't punish fornication or adultery from a legal standpoint, but a man (or woman) who has an affair, that clearly is hurtful to their spouse and their children. Or unwed teenagers who are being taught that it's okay, but the number of children born to teenage parents have a high likelihood of poverty, not graduating, etc.

Then if you look at it from a religious standpoint, don't those who have a testimony and truth have an obligation to share it with others? I'm not talking about forcing people to believe what we believe, but what about this situation: a child is raised in a non-believing home (atheist). They go to school where God isn't allowed to be mentioned, being taught by teachers and other trusted adults that sins such as fornication are normal, natural, and even right. Surrounded by all of that, very few will seek for truth later because they believe that they have it. Even if they do look for it, they could have been spared years of sorrow and sin. But people will argue that raising a child this way isn't harming the child, that it's in fact helping them be "rational" and "logical." But as believers, Colossians 1:26-28 talks about the importance of warning and teaching all men. How can I do that if I'm not standing up for what God says is wrong? If I say, "Well, it's wrong in God's eyes, but sure, why not let society think it's ok."

I've shared this before, but while in Puerto Rico in 2008 during the hype of Proposition 8 in California, we were visited by Elder David A. Bednar, one of the 12 Apostles of the Church. We were invited to have an open question-and-answer session with him, and someone asked why the Church was getting so heavily involved in the debate when usually they choose to stay out of politics. Elder Bednar said something that made a huge impact on me and I will never, ever forget it. He said, "We [meaning the First Presidency and the Twelve] are prophets and apostles. But we are not prophets and apostles for just the Mormon Church; rather, we are prophets and apostles for the entire world. We are the only men on earth with the authority of God to speak in His name. So if we will not stand up for righteousness and tell the world what God's laws are, who will?"

What about people who are the same gender and in love? Don't they have rights, too?
I firmly believe that people have agency to make their own decisions. If they want to live a homosexual lifestyle, they are welcome to do so. However, they must deal with the consequences of their actions. Allowing them to have all of the benefits that come from a heterosexual marriage say that their relationship is as of the same value and worth, when it is not. I know that may sound harsh, especially to those who are in it and feel like they are in love, but it is not the same.

I know some people will jump on me for that, saying that I'm not experiencing their situation so I don't know, etc. I may not personally know, but I have had several friends in recent years (both LDS and non-LDS) who have same-gender attractions. Some are happily married to someone of the opposite gender, they have a family, and they are happy that way. Sincerely happy. Others have lived a gay lifestyle and have felt the sorrow of it. In all of my conversations with those who have experienced both situations, they have stated the same conclusion - that it is not the same.

Plus, I am concerned with the direction this is heading. A church was sued last year for refusing to marry a black couple. Now, I disagree with that church's decision, but it is their right to say that it is against their religious beliefs to perform that ceremony. In saying that homosexuals have the right to marry and to government benefits, is it opening the doorway to force churches to conduct same-sex marriages? I don't like where that could be headed.

I am also concerned with the idea that the popular vote in California passed Prop 8, and a judge decided to overturn it. That says a lot to me about how our nation is getting further away from the principles on which it was founded.

In conclusion, I'd like to end with the words from Elder David A. Bednar, an LDS apostle, from last General Conference:
"The doctrine I have described will seem to be archaic and outdated to many people in a world that increasingly mocks the sanctity of procreation and minimizes the worth of human life. But the Lord’s truth is not altered by fads, popularity, or public opinion polls."

I also appreciated the words from this blogger, whose post started my thoughts and conversations:
"If there are any gays reading this, I love you and I respect you as a person. I may not agree with your lifestyle but I don't look at you any differently than I do a straight person who has sex before marriage. I apologize on behalf of people who have mistreated and bullied you. But please understand this: When you try to redefine marriage, you're out of your jurisdiction. God already defined it. If you want to be homosexual that's totally your call and you do not answer to me for that. But don't cross the line and try to twist a fundamental teaching of God's word into what you think it should be. You're discriminating against me. That's so hypocritical of you."

I would be very interested in hearing some of your thoughts and comments. Have I missed anything? Anything to add or dispute? Please share below!

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Baby Shower Memory Game

2013-05-14T06:46:00.003-06:00

I had a baby shower a week ago, and we had so much fun! My aunt came up with a cute game based on the game Memory.

But first, I have to show off the cute gift she gave me!

And the really cute fruit creation my sister made:

Ok, Memory: The squares to be flipped over are numbered, and behind each number is a word related to pregnancy/giving birth. Each guest takes turns picking numbers to be flipped over. When someone found a matching pair, they got a corresponding candy bar.

Here's a picture of the board:

The candy bars are what made this game really fun! They were funny, cute, and definitely made the game! Here are the words with the corresponding candy bars:

Pregnant…Rollo
Mommy…Bit O' Honey
Daddy…Big Hunk
Baby Boy…Almond Joy
Baby Girl…Mounds
OB/GYN…Butterfingers
Umbilical Cord…rope of licorice/nerds
Conception…Skor
Epidural…Livesavers
Hospital Bill…100 Grand
Labor…Extra gum (because it's extra long) OR Everlasting Gobstoppers
9 Months…Extra gum (because it's extra long) OR Everlasting Gobstoppers
Mood Swings…Warheads
Lullaby…Symphony
11 Pound Baby…Whopper
Stretch Marks…Laffy Taffy
Dirty Diapers…Goobers or Milk Duds
Twins…Twix
Water Breaks…Gushers
Love…Hugs and Kisses
Engorged…Milkfuls
Pregnant…Rolos
Postpartum Tummy…Jelly Belly
Incontinence…Fast Break
Midnight Cravings…Riesen
Fetal Movement…Kickerz
Swollen Ankles…Chunky
Baby…Treasures
Delivery…Rocky Road
Positive pregnancy test…Shockers
Stool softener…Caramello
Episiotomy …Nips
Nursing…Munch
Naptime…Take 5
Ultrasound…Look
Baby’s Cry…Screaming Sours
Afterbirth…Whatchamacallit
Bra Size…whoppers
Girl Names…Baby Ruth
Boy Names…Oh Henry
Tax deduction…Payday
Siblings…Junior Mints
Anesthesiologist…Mr. Goodbar
Nurses…Sweettarts
Hemorrhoids…Hot Tamales
Laundry…Mounds
Breastfeeding…Milky Way
Contractions…Good & Plenty
Time Alone…Zero
Hospital Nursery…Cry babies
Teething…Crunch
Baby’s First Giggles…Snickers
Baby Acne…Dots

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Why I Won't Be Posting the Equal Sign

2013-03-27T14:50:00.002-06:00

On facebook over the last several days, I've seen several friends share a pink and red equals sign; some of my friends have even made it their profile picture. This sign is in support of same-sex marriage. I was surprised to see some of my LDS friends post it, especially in light of the press release the Church put out, entirety of which can be found here:

"While we disagree with the Human Rights Campaign on many fundamentals, we also share some common ground. This past week we have all witnessed tragic deaths across the country as a result of bullying or intimidation of gay young men. We join our voice with others in unreserved condemnation of acts of cruelty or attempts to belittle or mock any group or individual that is different – whether those differences arise from race, religion, mental challenges, social status, sexual orientation or for any other reason. Such actions simply have no place in our society.......
As a church, our doctrinal position is clear: any sexual activity outside of marriage is wrong, and we define marriage as between a man and a woman. However, that should never, ever be used as justification for unkindness. Jesus Christ, whom we follow, was clear in His condemnation of sexual immorality, but never cruel. His interest was always to lift the individual, never to tear down.
Further, while the Church is strongly on the record as opposing same-sex marriage, it has openly supported other rights for gays and lesbians such as protections in housing or employment."

I am not judging any of those who choose to support same-sex marriage; everyone has their reasons, and it does not change how I feel about that person. I will, however, strongly state that my beliefs coincide completely with the statement the Church released. So instead of a pink equality sign on a red background, I choose to post this:

While in Puerto Rico in 2008 during the hype of Proposition 8 in California, we were visited by Elder David A. Bednar, one of the 12 Apostles of the Church. We were invited to have an open question-and-answer session with him, and someone asked why the Church was getting so heavily involved in the debate when usually they choose to stay out of politics. Elder Bednar said something that made a huge impact on me and I will never, ever forget it. He said, "We [meaning the First Presidency and the Twelve] are prophets and apostles. But we are not prophets and apostles for just the Mormon Church; rather, we are prophets and apostles for the entire world. We are the only men on earth with the authority of God to speak in His name. So if we will not stand up for righteousness and tell the world what God's laws are, who will?"

I believe that with all of my heart. I went home and knelt down and prayed to God to know if Elder Bednar and the other brethren were truly His spokesmen. He answered that prayer through the power of the Holy Ghost, and I know beyond any doubt that they are indeed speaking for God.

I saw an interesting quote on facebook that someone posted. It said, "Our culture has accepted two huge lies. The first is that if you disagree with someone's lifestyle, you must fear or hate them. The second is that to love someone means you agree with everything they believe or do. Both are nonsense. You don't have to compromise convictions to be compassionate."

My heart breaks for those who are in the middle of this struggle. I know several people who have been very close friends who have same-sex attractions. Every single one that I know that has chosen to embrace the lifestyle has at some point or another confided in me the emptiness and unhappiness in their life. It can't be easy, and I sympathize with their pain. I cannot, however, compromise my beliefs or values by letting people think that it's an "okay" lifestyle to live. It's against God's commandments.

In the 1990s, the prophet and apostles released a statement called the The Family: A Proclamation to the World (it can be read here in its entirety). In this bold document, they state the different roles between men and women, and they share God's definition of marriage as being between one man and one woman. Again, I believe without a doubt that these statements truly are the viewpoints of our Heavenly Father. This does not mean that God "doesn't love gays" or anything at all like that. Those are vile lies spread by Satan to try to undermine what God is really saying. He loves all of His children, but He has certain commandments and laws that must be followed in order to enjoy the fullness of His blessings and His happiness and peace.

There are many arguments about whether or not gay marriage is good for society, etc. I believe that the warnings of the Proclamation are true: failure to follow God's principles will lead to one day being held accountable by Him and will bring about the calamities prophesied about in the Bible, the Book of Mormon, and by modern-day prophets.

If this is something that upsets you, I invite you to earnestly search within yourself and go to God with a sincerity of heart, asking Him what His opinions are. I can promise you that if you do so, with a willingness to do whatever He commands, then you will receive the same answer that I have. I know it.

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Productivity

2013-03-05T18:00:00.000-07:00

Now that I am not working and will be a full-time, stay-at-home mom, I decided that I needed to use this time before the baby comes to start building good habits to be productive with my time. If not, I'll probably end up wasting away all of my time watching TV and eating Krispy Kreme donuts!

After visiting my family over the weekend, Phillip and I sat down and made goals on what we want to work on as parents so that we can be the best parents we can be and bring the gospel more fully into our home. I then went about setting goals for myself, not just gospel-related goals but ones that will help me use my time well.

I went on Pinterest to get ideas. I know, shocker....I used Pinterest for actually doing something instead of just pinning it! The two areas that I wanted to focus on were cleaning and cooking, my two least-favorite domestic practices. I just have a hard time getting into them.

First, cleaning: I am lazy with this. I think I'm lucky to vacuum maybe once every couple of months, and please don't ask me the last time I cleaned the bathtub. The problem I realized is that I don't have a very good routine. When I lived at home, every Saturday was chore day and we would have to get them done before we could play. The thing about being the oldest of 10 kids is that it's easy to divide up the labor! When it's just Phillip and me, then we (or rather, Phillip) have to do everything.

I combined several ideas that I had previously pinned on Pinterest, and came up with a routine that I think is do-able, even with an infant. It breaks things down into daily chores that I can get done within about half an hour or so (exception being laundry).

Second, cooking. It's not that I'm a bad cook. I just don't enjoy it, so I get easily distracted and mess up. Plus, I don't think about food until Phillip's home and it's too late to make anything. After trying and failing at multiple ideas on Pinterest of menu planning, grocery shopping, etc. I found an idea that I think will work.

I made a list of all of the foods that we like to eat regularly, and put them on magnets. I then bought a monthly calendar white board. At the end of each month, I'll plan out the entire month's worth using the magnets. I also have magnets for date night, eating out, and new recipes (cookbooks or Pinterest). If we really like any of the new recipes, I'll make a new magnet for them. Here is my completed board.

I'm hoping that I'll pick a day (probably laundry day) to do grocery shopping. Then I can just look at the calendar for the following week and make a list of the things I still need. The plan is that this will keep me from splurge shopping. Eventually I'd like to be able to just do shopping once a month, but I'll need to build up to that.

The final product!

Do you have any recipes you'd like to share? Ideas for cleaning that maybe I missed on my list? What techniques do you have to keep yourself productive?

Supplement Your Income
Here are websites that I have tested and work for supplementing your income at home.
Note: if you do decide to sign up for any of these, please use the links I've provided below. They are my referral links, and sometimes you get benefits for people who sign up under you.
Swagbucks
Earn gift cards by just searching the web, watching music videos, clipping coupons, shopping online, and many other ways!
Slice the Pie
Earn money reviewing music.
Jingit
Earn money watching commercials and scanning barcodes at the store.
Paid Viewpoint
Earn money taking quizzes.
Locket
App for your phone that gives you a penny when you unlock your phone. Click on this link with your phone.
FreeMyApps
Earn gift cards by downloading free apps on your phone. Click on this link with your phone.

Inbox Dollars

Earn cash by reading emails, taking surveys, watching ads, playing games, searching the web, and more.

Baby Gender

2013-02-26T12:58:00.002-07:00

We had an ultrasound today and found out that we're having a little girl!!! We are SO excited, especially Phillip. With only one sister and the rest boys, this will be a new adventure for him. As for me, well, I've totally got this....I'm the oldest of seven sisters! (Well, and two brothers.)

Here are some cute pictures of our little girl. She was not wanting to cooperate at all today. Usually we see her profile and she's laying sideways, but today her head was towards the back and her little bottom was facing the front with her legs crossed. Stubborn thing, it took a while to get her to move around.

Here she is, her little bottom and legs.

Then she moved a little so we could see her feet.

Then a profile picture!

I was just glad she cooperated long enough so we could find out gender. I was worried we wouldn't be able to. The last ultrasound anytime the technician put even the slightest amount of pressure, she would hit and kick and flip around. She never stopped moving. I felt a little relieved I couldn't feel it yet!

I asked Phillip if he's already worried about her growing up and boys and dating, but he hadn't even thought of it yet! Since his only sister is 9 it just hasn't quite occurred to him.

I'm loving being pregnant, I really am! It's been hard being so sick, but it feels so worth it. A friend of mine told me I'd eventually get over it and want another one someday.....lol, I started feeling that way yesterday! The decision to not return to work has helped a lot. It's made a huge difference, like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I felt like I was being a lazy slacker when my doctor first brought it up, but after a lot of though, prayer, and ER visits, I know I'm making the right decision for my little family.

We have a lot of changes this year - Phillip graduates, move to Houston, having a baby. Some of them will be sad (we'll be far away from friends and family), but I am looking forward to the excitement and adventure that awaits!

First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage.....

2013-01-30T21:27:00.002-07:00

.....then comes a baby!

I realize I haven't written a blog post in a really long time. It's been a little crazy lately! But this blog is a fun update, complete with lots of pictures.

We started off the craziness with the weekend before our anniversary by celebrating. We went to dinner at a delicious Caribbean restaurant in Salt Lake. This is also the restaurant where we had our second "first date." (It was the first date we went on the second time we started dating.) Yummy food!

Then we just spent the weekend together. I have a super sweet husband who buys me roses.

We then found out, much to our surprise, that we were pregnant! We found out on the day of our one-year anniversary (December 17), which made for a wonderful anniversary present. I'm pretty sure that's the first time my gastroenterologist has ever made that phone call before.....we had run the test almost as a joke, since I had been so sick and was also on the pill. So Someone definitely wanted this baby in our family now!

Our 6 week ultrasound:

We then got to go to Denver for Christmas for about a week. It was wonderful, although by that point morning sickness had kicked in and I spent a lot of time in the bathroom. I loved being able to see my family.

As soon as we got back to Utah (which involved missing our flight and then being sick twice on the second flight), I had an appointment with my doctors. I hadn't kept anything down in over a week and was as dehydrated as you could possibly get. We decided to do IV therapy with fluids, vitamins, etc. every day for a few weeks. If that didn't work, we would move to a feeding tube. I have to say that I would rather be stuck with needles a million times than to ever, ever, ever get a tube put up my nose and down my throat ever again. That was NOT happening. So we did IVs every day, which worked great except the bruising made it look like Phillip beat me!

But now it's FINALLY all settling down. I'm eating mostly normal now, and I only get sick a couple of times a week. Yay for "regular" morning sickness! :) I went back to work last week, and am doing so much better.

I am 13 weeks pregnant now. We had an ultrasound today and got to see a very active baby! He/She did not like the pressure of the ultrasound at all! Every time the technician pushed down even a little bit, our little baby would hit and kick and flip all around. It was so incredible to watch!

Also, Phillip got a job offer in Houston. We'd turned other things down because we didn't feel right about this one, but this one we don't feel a "no" about yet. I've even gone so far as to talk to a realtor down there. We'll see what adventures this brings!

I am due on August 6, although because of I have fistulizing Crohn's I will have to have a c-section at the end of July. Luckily I can continue my infusions (similar to chemotherapy) every 8 weeks until I'm 32 weeks in order to treat my Crohn's. So we might be moving before we have the baby. That will definitely be an adventure! But I'm so excited for whatever the future brings!