Professor Mungleton

A bit Humidor for Thermidor

2013-05-20T20:18:00.000+01:00

Particularly enjoyed the story of the Texan burglars who scuffled with a homeowner and shoved him in a closet while they took his stuff. Probably would have been OK if it wasn't his gun closet. They say an Englishmans' home is his castle, but it really means something over there, where the householder can use deadly force against armed attackers.
In school today we were all given two floppy and slightly etiolated sunflower seedlings to nurture at home in an unofficial competition of plant husbandry. This is almost a shame, because I have an accomplished horticulturalist on the staff but the estate is a bit lacking. There's a place where we could put them in a pot, but we have no pots, no compost and the place itself is full of builders' waste. So they went in the front garden which is apparently the local cat toilet and has soil as good as Venus.

The builders have now finished Bedroom 3 and are filling in some of the larger holes in the upstairs corridor. My room has been untouched, shame we spent all that time putting away the Lego Heroes yesterday. The windowmen came in, removed curtains, did one window, and bogged off again. I'm sure it'll all be worth it.

There was a slight shouty event when he was up a ladder upstairs and I didn't answer the phone I was sitting next to, but it was a timed game with no pause button on that level, these people have to re-examine their priorities.

We drove to the laundrette which is great because I get to look around the Ark furniture store with its nooks and crannies while he's in there. Then I had a real job: to choose my own light fitting at B+Q. Having weighed up all the possibilities, I plumped for the Inseki 4-spot wavy bar job because I had 3 spots last time and this time I have a bigger room. This choice was duly ratified when he bought it again for the kitchen, and re-ratified later when Jof agreed we should buy them for the corridors as well. That's a further 4, so we may actually run them out.

Later we produced 3 more binbags of wallpaper strippings, will we outdo last week's 13 bags? I missed the Beaver super-meeting because we just don't have the time. I'll have to ask Ben what happened.

Stincompoop

2013-05-19T20:34:00.001+01:00

Stincompoop is my New Word. It saves time.
Well, we got up for tennish (watch out for this joke on Tuesday) and guess what, the wallpaper stripper came out again. What you do in the privacy of your own home etc. Kitchen #2, aka potential ensuite, aka the laundry room, has now been stripped

apart from that bit of false wall and the bit behind the radiator, but you can't have everything. Jof absolutely insisted that we have some quality family time so I selected Pirate Pete's, as much sweaty fun as you can get in one hour for £3.50. I didn't know anyone there, which is unusual. He ran there for exercise, then Jof wandered off to play on the arcade games and so us chaps played frisbee-the-mat things at each other and hide-the-treasure-map. When Jof finally reappeared he ran off again to buy binbags (you know it's serious when you've used up 3 rolls of binbags) and strip more paper, so Jof and I played the flashing lights games in the arcade.
When we got in, she played Candy Crush Saga while I built the Lego ship she'd bought for me. So really, the fabulous family fun day was exactly the same as always, with them taking it in turns to look after me.

A Message from the Past

2013-05-18T20:03:00.000+01:00

This morning an electrician came to activate the kitchen. Jof was getting dressed, he was in the shower, I was watching TV in the front room by the front door. Open the door if someone comes, he says. 4 minutes later, there was a ferocious hammering at the door and Jof started shouting down the stairs at me to open the door. All this noise was getting in the way of my vitally important Scooby Doo so I turned it up. Why were they angry at me? What had I done?

Anyway, we did the bottlebank walk and I bought some bath fizzers (shame we have no bath), a toy army helicopter and 2 sausage rolls for lunch, for I knew the secret. Then the secret arrived at the front door, and his name was Ben. Mrs Ben took us away and we played in his room for a bit, then went over the road to Ben's Bumpy Paths and cycled around a bit, then climbed all over the rocks by the foreshore and found antique Egyptian tiles and sandwich-shaped rocks and showed them to BensMum. We hid them in a special hiding place and went back to his for more play.

About 5 hours after setting out, we got back to mine and played Lego Heroes again, we were model citizens all day and he is my brother from another mother. During my out-time, he stripped wallpaper, one whole room done this week! During this event, we discovered a hand-written message on the plaster by the fireplace, previously hidden by wallpaper and soon to be covered by new plaster. It reveals that a Mr Albert Winkle (not kidding) from Hanley, Staffordshire, is available for plastering and decorating work in this area. As the advert is dated 2nd August 1911, I imagine that he is no longer available. Jof cleaned surfaces: it took her all day and first thing on Monday, all her work will be undone by the builders and windowmen.

Tonight: the Eurovision song contest. This annual extravaganza of idiocy has become a mini-tradition. I bet I could do better.

Too far gone to let it get to me

2013-05-17T19:59:00.003+01:00

Well, we're practically living a life of luxury now. We have rearranged our extension cables and now I can watch TV while Jof knits and he does statistical analysis on the computer. Remember my attachment to a shipping container with hard drive magnets last year? (My Magnetic Personality) Somebody somewhere liked it and tweeted the link. A few people retweeted and posted to Facebook and now it's trending globally and has had thousands of views. Of course, it is but one nugget within the rich motherlode of gold that this blog offers, but I am happy to have made some folks laugh.
This morning we got 3 builders and 3 electricians. This is a problem as we only have 4 metal coffee mugs, so they will have to go on to MugShare.

When I got back home it was chaos. There was stuff everywhere but amidst the armageddon-in-a-pocket you could see little differences. In some rooms we've practically got ceilings. Dave the Carpenter was starting to box in the giant steel girder holding up the upstairs part of our house. But in the background, we hardly noticed that the large wall cupboard unit has been put on the wall - it's spent the last 8 months on the floor. This revealed a section of kitchen floor we'd never seen before: it's tiled, slopes down and away from you, and has been hiding an abandoned

dog biscuit all this time.
Upstairs, they have mostly plastered Bedroom #3. This will be the least used room in our future house, but potentially the first to be finished. I love this, because every day I return to something new, it's never boring.
After swimming we picked Jof up from work and we were all tired. Jof got the job of wiping up the inch-thick layer of dust on all surfaces, he stripped wallpaper and I played noisy annoying games on the HTC tablet. Hey. We all need to work to our strengths.

Day 10 - The terror goes on

2013-05-16T21:07:00.000+01:00

For the purposes of eliciting sympathy I shall count the building works as from when WindowMan started work and this endless miasma of dust began, the motes of all nations suspended in the sunlit air like a cataract snowstorm, giving us all our daily intake of dietary fibre whether we want it or not.

Every space is permanently covered in a heady combination of brick dust, plaster dust, loft dust and sawdust, yet it still manages to smell of wet dog. My bed is gritty.

But the kind builders have set up the old sink from the second daft kitchen into the old destroyed bathroom, making it the third exciting teeth-cleaning venue in the last week. I may try to increase my score by using the main kitchen sink (better now they've put the silicone sealant around the edge) and the one in the second daft bathroom (with The Tap That Does Not Turn Off).
During the day, some nice if persistent people knocked on the door and said they had witnessed jehovah. A builder answered and was given a lecture and a pamphlet about gods, sadly we no longer have a bonfire but I did put it to good use in the compost.

It is bin day today so we put out a mere 13 binbags and the tall recycling wheelie bin. I think the binmen will be impressed. The electrician said he was impressed with our well-boarded loft but that he'd had to take them all away to get to the ceilings from above.

The builders have started to paint the new bathroom and have filled in a lot of the holes in the wall and even done some ceiling although electric man has made a lot of new holes to lay his cables (not in the naval sense).

After school we did Park Thursday. Many known faces were there and we had our picnic of real food obediently and then played pseudo-football against the wall of the barn for an hour in the lovely sunshine. I'm surprised no shirts came off but we all got a dose of Vitamin D anyway. As soon as we got back I was scheduled to shower to save time, then we scheduled in some power to the TV room before it was booked by the computer.

Blackout: Showering by Candlelight

2013-05-15T20:29:00.000+01:00

Yesterday was carnage in our house with 2 builders, an electrician and a plumber all banging and drilling together. The corridors and rooms had even fewer floorboards than before as most of them were stacked against the wall so that the hot water pipes could be put in, and the vintage wiring removed.
We had to play riddles with the extension cables thus:

One family has 2 extension cables A, and B. Extra extension cables C and D are provided. How does Kid get a night-light while Daddy boils the kettle and Mummy blow-dries her hair? How does Kid see his way down the stairs while Mummy uses the microwave and Daddy tries to maintain power to the fridge? Answers on a postcard by last Friday, please.....

Anyway, this morning 5 builders arrived at 0745. Jof was mostly dressed by then so they set to work. Although they were all banging and sawing and drilling and stomping and jemmying and dismantling in unison, Jof had to wake me up to go to school. I reckon that if the builders could be taught musical timing, their racket could rival Skrillex for aural torture in Guantanamo Bay, an opportunity missed, if you ask me.
The builders said we could have our electricity back once they'd done second fix. About 2 weeks, apparently. Ouch.
Jof got angry with the dust and the extension cable that wouldn't extend and the thought of another 2 weeks of camping, said something about the ritz. Is that something to do with ratz?

Mammaries are made of this

2013-05-14T20:28:00.001+01:00

Advised to take a raincoat today, also to not sit in any cat poo, however welcoming.
Ever since we moved in, the floorboard integrity in the upstairs 1950s-style throne room has been such that you can have a decent conversation with somebody in the kitchen downstairs, although that might appear to be hygienically doubtful. Now that the adjacent bathroom (loose description) has been ripped out, you can see right through and all ablutions etc have been halted. Generally you can hear me anywhere, for I am a singer: particularly on the toilet. Last Thursday, a mad American passenger caused an emergency landing and was ejected from her flight when she refused to stop singing "I will always love ewe" of Dolly Parton/Whitney Houston cringe-fame. If that applied over here, I'd never finish a poo.

Incidentally, the lightbulbs have been dying in waves. While they might be coming out in sympathy for their fallen comrades in the same way that white goods die just after the end of the warranty period, it might be a sign of domestic electrical turmoil. Luckily the sparky started work today and removed the legacy circuitry, which made the understairs cupboard look like spaghetti junction.

The electrician took one look at our 1950s wiring and said, not on your nelly, I'm not using that and signing it off as safe. So we are to get a complete house rewire. While this is very good news indeed for the house and any future resale value, it does mean that he had to disconnect everything, leaving us without electricity for a few days.

OK, so he stuck in 2 emergency sockets with extension leads to give us our fridge back, possibly a microwave, kettle and lamps upstairs. I had to get the torch to go in the loft to get the lamp so we could see to cook. Jof ran over the road to the Wok Of Ages Chinese restaurant and got her special fried rice, so she was happy. I got noodles, so I was happy. He got curry sauce, ditto.

We had to forego lamps upstairs so he could get on the computer to ask B+Q if we could have the left-hand L-shaped bath not the Right-hand one like he'd accidentally ordered.
Jof got a candle and stalked the corridors of the night (which do not all have floorboards) and I played with cars as my window has access to a street lamp. Then I read her a book and we all had an early night.

The Invasion of the Builders

2013-05-13T20:40:00.000+01:00

Slept fitfully, dreaming of phalanxes of zombie builders stomping around with drilling arms outstretched, crushing all my Lego under their big work boots, and moaning "Briiiicks.....Briiiicks...."

There's really only one way to assuage the cement-thirsty desires of these rampaging creatures, so we spent £1000 online on bathroom fittings, bought job lots of teabags, coffee and sugar, and returned to big B+Q to buy kitchen and bathroom things like spice racks and toothbrush holders, neither of which were in stock. And the floor tiles that Jof wanted were non-waterproof. But we did get wall tiles and taps and a shelf and a cabinet and some hooks and rails and had lots of fun paying another £300. The nice builderman helped us unload the tiles. Furthermore, it turns out that we sold MungleInferno™ death-chillies to him last year because his sister works next to Bud, how come some people say the world is a big place and other people say it's a small world. Perhaps it's quantum.
Incidentally, there was a big cat poo in the playground today and I contrived to sit in it: the teacher washed my trousers a bit and I spent the rest of the day in my PE shorts.

Then Ben arrived and we toured the latest domestic destruction: the picture is not available as the camera has developed schizophrenia due to helpful

automatic software upgrades, like Windows 8. Once we'd Lego Heroed, we scooted to Beavers where we made kites and I showed off my brass compass. I got no time to play afterwards as they had gone back to big B+Q while I was Beavering, a mere £200 this time but at least we'll have matching dressing gown nobs. We unloaded the car and then it was back to wallpaper stripping, a cheaper hobby at least.

A day of Preparation

2013-05-12T20:00:00.001+01:00

Sunday, so got up by 10 and helped push the supermarket trolley. Bud started on the wallpaper stripping and Jof and I loitered for a bit. We have to buy a whole bathroom and so we headed to big B+Q.

Jof purchased a little tiny buzzy strimmer thing for the lawn. We refuse to buy a proper lawnmower for our 18 square feet of turf, but also can't let it get hairy and overgrown because our street demands certain standards. Popsdad said we could get away with a strimmer, so we paid our £12. I wanted the big bath with the water jets but they chose a completely different one, so I huffed and got lost in the 3-acre store for a bit. I wanare these people?

ted the corner toilet but they over-ruled me. What sort of servants
Jof took me to Krazy Kaves and then MacDougalls, this was supposed to be a secret but I can't hold them well and blabbed immediately. He stripped further, exposing this large hole in the wall. I played computer games so may appear a little lethargic and brain-dead to the uninitiated. But at least we are a little bit readier for the Builder Invasion and have chosen tiles and stuff.

Driller Killer: Day of Glass

2013-05-11T20:30:00.000+01:00

First port of call was the opticians in town. He had bribed me with the promise of a Lego Hero and Jof had pointed out I had £17 in my pocket money fund so I was on for a pony (£25) of plastical delight. We dropped Jof at the laundrette which is a constant fixture for us now that the washing machine is offline (no outlet pipe in the half-completed kitchen and nowhere to dry the laundry that doesn't instantly get covered in plaster dust).

The opticians said he hadn't had an eye test in 4 years so we bought Pyrox and Furno XL in giant Tesco to give me something to do while he had the 3 eye tests. The rather corpulent glasses salesman said come back in an hour so we picked Jof up (and 3 bags of laundry) and I went home to construct my heroes.

So then he got on his pushbike (Hardly Davidson) and went to get the new glasses. There was a diversion to the furniture shop where he got a glass-topped table. Why, you say. Well, this one has a little recess where the glass sits, and a space underneath where a tray or flat bit of wood can be fitted. Thus, some of the smaller examples of our extensive shell and fossil collection can be displayed under glass, and you get a decent coffee table as well! Bensmum has had the same idea for her beach display and she will be able to learn from our mistakes and do better. I gather many things can be displayed under glass-topped tables including young oriental ladies so it's been done before.

Once we were all glassed up, Pops visited while her Dad went to buy some glass. I gave her the tour, with special emphasis on the garage inspection pit, the under-floor spaces, the joists in the loft, the special drill bit etc, for I know what the girlies like. Then we sat and constructed the cardboard skeleton kit she gave me for my birthday. It's the same format as all of the PuddleVisitors, large tour and then my bedroom for play.
This drill bit is another of the items the previous but one house-owner left for us. It is 1 metre long and can drill through walls. Here it is with my new Heroes.

A Hard Hobbit to Break

2013-05-10T20:25:00.000+01:00

Last night was extremely windy (weather, not bean-related) and all the gaps round the partially installed windows and the unbricked fireplaces made lots of flarping and woo-ing noises, Incubi and Succubi competing with Billy Wind (but not Jack Frost).
The Hobbits have moved, and have now spent one week in their new abode, as have we. But if they no longer live under the Hill in the Shire, do they still qualify as Hobbits?
Anyway, they finally answered the phone today (can't always be at bingo night) although not without incident as they have to climb over or otherwise negotiate a slalom of half-unpacked boxes to reach the phone point.
After school (9/12 on spellings) I got to Level 5 on the Phineas & Ferb computer game after we'd laid down some protective cardboard layers over the deadly floorboards. They're really loud and clanky and even the Builder tripped up on one so our temporary floor covering should improve things.
Then things got funny when Buds' glasses broke, from metal fatigue. After we'd beaten him up so many times, the metal frame just gave up, leaving him without a left eye. Funny that, because the spare pair are missing the right eye for the same reason.
I had a bonus bath fizzernight because the builders will destroy the super-retro-ultra-crundy 1950s bathroom next week, and it's one of those things I'll miss. We have a couple of strange items that we'll record pictorially in the next few days (not bathtime-related).

Trampled by Bewilderbeeste

2013-05-09T20:24:00.000+01:00

And a special welcome to two new followers - I'll be able to raise that army soon and take over the world in a bloodless coup (vampires not included).
When I got in from school there were 3 windowmen, a builder, a plumber, an electrician, a lot of plaster dust and a bewildered Bud. I basically just had to hide out of the way but wherever I went, there seemed to be a forest of boiler suits to clamber through and in the end I sought sanctuary on the sofa with lots of food. The builders laughed at the antics of the previous house owner and his half-finished projects.

This is why I didn't join in the picnic at Thursday park, I told him off for not bringing food and not going back home to get me a sword and so forth. But before long we were firing wood chips at each other and next time we should bring swords and a broom and sweep up vast piles of chips to kick at each other.
Back at home everything is covered in dust and I got extra chocolate cake.

Farts: Ghosts of the things we eat

2013-05-08T20:51:00.000+01:00

There were plenty of Poltergeists in the house last night. It was quite rainy and blustery outside so the house crumped and creaked and twanged and clicked and the plastic pipe that goes from the washing machine right through my room went grungegrungegrunge and people seemed to skateboard past our door at 2 in the morning and the secret government underground railway rumbled and the ghosts of former occupants over the last century slipped through the missing floorboards and whispered and cackled in 3 different rooms at once.

There's also a Smeltergeist in the kitchen but that may be more to do with Jof putting teak oil on the wooden work surfaces. Now it smells like great-great-great Grandad's workshop and looks great.

At school I got a Lip Bump Notice. Why is it always me? I was running along at full tilt and someone popped up out of nowhere and headbutted me in the mouth. I howled and did my special whooping cough which sounds like a Mach 4 vomit but by the time I'd got to the Bump Stop, I'd stopped and she gave me a Lunchtime Award sticker for being brave.

Afterwards I surveyed Windowman's work: today, he did my bedroom window but I can't touch it because of all the puffy glue stuff. Then I pretended to fall down the floorboards. There's about 3 feet of space under there, with compartments throughout the ground floor, all full of dust and dog hair. We got a torch and investigated 3 or 4 sections over about 30 feet. There's no end to the number of desiccated corpses you could hide, but we didn't find any.

Trampolining was great because I asked the Popster to visit me some time and then the Teacher gave me Badges 1,2 and 3. They're £2.50 each so we could only afford #3, but that's OK because it outranks the rest.

At last it is bin day. Down our street we can see the odd house with 1 or 2 binbags outside. We have about 15, and 2 bins and 3 boxes of cardboard as well. While we were putting them out (and avoiding the large group of tweenies with their bespoke cigarettes) the Erins arrived and I told Mrs Erin all about Lego Heroes and we all had a good laugh at my steel hip replacement joint and then Jof phoned us and said could we pick her up because she was cold and tired. I was too, but that's because it didn't occur to me to put my long trousers and a top back on.

90 Seconds (I should be so lucky)

2013-05-07T20:22:00.000+01:00

That's how long it took me to walk to school today. I could get used to this.

While I was gone, windowman came and started replacing windows: he's left an awful lot of them stacked up inside as well but they're no good for constructing dens as they're transparent.

Grandma and Grandad still haven't answered the phone so I sent a delegation of one: he came back with a pressure washer and yet another cupboard. Their new place is even more liberally scattered with boxes than ours, they haven't got a loft. But the front of their 16th century building is quite nice. There's lots of wood panelling everywhere and vast oak doors and hot'n'cold running nurses, but they're not coping with the stresses of moving as well as I am.

After school, Erin missed her swimming lesson to be with me again. I gave her the tour and she even played Lego Heroes with me. Erinsmum noticed how quiet it is in the front room now that windowman has put in the double glazing.

Gymnastics was great but I got very hot in the car because of all the lovely sunshine.

POST 1000: A Religious Festival

2013-05-06T20:03:00.000+01:00

May he truly be praised. (That's me, you know). After Mrs Ben said I should do a blog, I tried my best and now this is my 1,000th daily burble.

After Mr JoniBob said we should attend the May Fayre at St Mary's Church Portsea (with beer tent), this is our 3rd visit. This is the splendid church from the title page of my blog. We walked shirtless (as is the local custom) and arrived first. One circuit later, we had a deal. I threw wooden balls at crockery and destroyed them on the "China Smash" stall.

Shortly, the JBs joined us and we did the "Jungle Fever" giant assault-course-on-a-lorry. You can take your time on these but we chose to do it quickly at a mere £2.50 a go. Immediately, we china smashed again, and went on the hook-a-duck con-merchant stall where the prizes are from the 50p shop and last 2 minutes before dying. But we all had to have weapons so got guns and swords as usual.

Ben and Erin and Beth arrived and we all made a posse and split up, we saw the R2D2 remote-controlled model but didn't get a go, saw the trains like last year and the RNLI lifeboat model club. There was no owl this time and we chose not to ride the horses but Mr JB allowed us on the Commando assault live fire attack crucible and I scored zero because I couldn't see the laser sighting spot.

We all had horses willy inna bun and went back to hook-a-duck for more weapons, as you do. Eventually, vitamin beer ran out in the tent of many bearded chaps so we repaired to the Rose In June pub with the big garden and the kiddie-friendly climbing frames and we were joyous until going-home time. Now, that was a good day. Think about how much vitamin D I got, as well as how much vitamin beer the stupids got.

7 hours after setting out, we met Jof again, she'd bought a wardrobe.

Prepare to be Boarded

2013-05-05T20:20:00.000+01:00

Another day of processing our new house. The plants we brought with us got put into the front garden. The soil is terrible so we put fertiliser down. The tip pile is getting more organised. The courtyard could even hold a few standing people, once the boxes in the garage have been dealt with, that'll make a great additional Puddle-party area.

Suddenly out of nowhere Ben arrived, fresh from Beaver church. It was one of those parade-with-the-flag things that I did last year, he got blessed and everything. I gave him the official tour of Mungle Manor after we'd heard the do not jump up and down speech yet again. Then mostly we played Lego Heroes on my splendiferous carpet while the rest of them talked about floorboards and parties. Having a friend round made it much better for me, Erin did pop her head in on Friday but it was too hectic and we didn't get a chance.

After lunch we all mucked in putting boxes into the loft. The builders need a cleared-out house to start work on so it's lucky we'd made all that space up there and boarded it so well. We had a little production line thing going with Jof at the bottom, Bud halfway up the ladder and me in the loft receiving stolen goods.

We stashed away as much as we could and it ended up as 82 items including boxes and bags and bits of furniture, all arranged around the outside. You could still play tennis up there.

Later Bud swept out the inspection pit in the garage, Jof did me new curtains for my room and he took me to the park and we took our shirts off and wowed the local girlies. Then Jof got off the phone to Nanna and SHE took me to the park, but with ice creams this time. Jof hoovered up dog hair for the 27th time and he went through all the old keys and I got to keep a toucan and the Eiffel tower and some clock winders and a St John's Ambulance badge and several drill bits.

Occam All Ye Faithful

2013-05-04T20:33:00.003+01:00

I slept much better than I thought I would, not noisy at all. It was strange waking up in a new house and I had to put my slippers on to leave the safety of my bed. Straight away the first job was to clear the loft. We played Chinese chequers with the loft boards and added the ones we'd brought with us: at the same time we gathered all the rubbish nearer to the loft hole. He threw the dog blankets down to make a softer landing space and then he chucked down all the smaller and lighter items and I took them away. There was wood. Lights and a ladder. Striplight bulbs and mirrors. Giant dog baskets. 2 TV aerials. 2 ironing boards. Disabled bath chair and fridge basket. Towel rail and fireguard. Poles, copper piping, broken glass, you name it. We piled it up in the courtyard for the tip. We arranged the loft boards so that we would have the most space available for the upcoming onslaught of storage boxes, but we left the chest of drawers and the antique chair and 1 TV that was too heavy to get down the ladder.

Jof, we said, come up and have a look at what we've done. I don't do ladders, she said. O come on then you'll be fine we said. She ascended the ladder unsteadily, it slipped and swung back under the loft-hole, leaving her suspended in mid air. The bit where it was screwed into the wood of the loft hatch broke, she fell down a bit and sustained bruising and annoyance. So we jerry-rigged the ladder using a second ladder for support and shot a rather amateurish video for her so she could see.

Later he went to Havant tip and did all the wood. Shame, would have made a great bonfire. They said they didn't want any asbestos chimneys, thanks, so they came back. We loaded up with rubble and plaster and dog baskets and cardboard and plastic pipes and striplights and drove to Portchester tip, where I asked the nice man where he wanted me to stick the asbestos chimneys. Are they double bagged and sealed? he said. Luckily, everybody else at the tip was throwing stuff away and that included binbags so we were finally able to double-bag them and get rid of them. I did all the bricks myself and we'd done 2 complete carloads, hooray. It was then I realised I was still wearing my slippers.

Later Jof took me to a carpet shop just to get some old offcut to make my bedroom floor a bit safer. "We take scrap metal away free" man came and took the TV aerials etc. The carpet (£40) was excellent and Jof got me 2 Lego Heroes and Bud arranged the carpet with furniture holding down the edges and all of a sudden, it looked like I had a real actual play-bedroom, as long as you didn't look at the edges of the room with the piled-up cardboard boxes and exposed brickwork and stuff. I helped make supper. Jof has made a plausible kitchen, you know how she likes to clean stuff. Briefly we spoke with Bud even though he was upstairs on the toilet, for the numerous gaps in the floorboards make interdimensional conversations easy.
Tomorrow I guess we have to plant out the plants we brought with us and put millions of boxes into the loft and strip some wallpaper and learn how to use the range cooker and and and ..... a whole buncha stuff.
Jof had to go searching for bath fizzers for my inaugural dunking in the new Mungle Manor.
We're getting there.

Ostriches on acid

2013-05-03T21:50:00.001+01:00

OK. Today was a day like any other day, I got up, surrounded by boxes from Buds' work, all carefully labelled and stacked. He took me to school, which was not usual. I had a lovely time in the warm sunshine: our school has recently completed the willow tunnel which (now it's been watered) is starting to awaken. Like all my friends, I ran in and out of Willow's tunnel like rats up a drainpipe.
At going home time, it all went a little crazy. We waited for Erin who was sad because somebody had stolen her brand new pencil case with all her favourite pens in. She came out a little wobbly, but I cheered her up. We walked up the road. And we went home to a completely new house. See us here in the doorway with one of my minions bringing boxed tribute.

[Insert for the things I don't know about. The removals men arrived early. We saved a bit of space in the road for them and they vied with the workmen refitting the bus stop for space. The PSU on the computer died, hence the late post. The former owner of our new house heard the words "BREACH OF CONTRACT" from the solicitor and sped to the south coast to do a couple of tip trips and get "We take away your scrap metal free" Man to help him take away the vast amount of poo he'd left behind. At some point during his to-ing and fro-ing he dropped the house keys out of his tracksuit. Bud went round with his illegally obtained garage key and helped him offload (and save a couple of interesting items, more on that later). The removals men finished loading and keys were exchanged. But there were no keys from previous owner so while New Internet Man and Removals Men were working, New Lock Emergency Callout At High Prices Man joined in. Boxes arrived at a rate of knots as 6 (count them:6) removals men with their fancy new lorry unloaded hastily so they could repair to the local hostelry. And then I got there, and got in the way.]

So Bud quoth: let us go and pick up the repaired PC, and get out of her way. We did. When we got back, Jof was going spare having cleaned 2 houses in 1 day, dog hair abounding with much hoovering yet to go. The removals men had gone. I jumped up and down and was told not to, totally, 'cos many of the floorboards are loose or actually missing. We moved boxes around. We reconstructed the beds. We all crapped mightily, which is difficult in a new house with holes in the floor and unknown light switches labelled "Not required" and taps that you don't know what they do and dog hair everywhere and everything's in the wrong room oh dear.

We investigated the loft which is, frankly, vast. There's a few extra items, chairs, doors, oxyacetylene blowtorch kit, cricket bat, a sword, apparently, but it won't take us long to set up the tennis court.

So even though we're directly opposite the Wok Like A Man chinese takeaway we drove to the Deep Blue and bought horses' willies and chips and I didn't even have a shower and I went to bed in a new room with single-glazed windows by the road and I have to wear shoes all the time because of the nails sticking up and the snore...............
This post may be added to later. Possibly.

Mudanzas Guardameubles (Moving and Storage)

2013-05-02T20:30:00.000+01:00

Another lovely day. While I was gone, a vast blue lorry took up residence outside our house and hoovered up almost all of our possessions, to think that this is legal in the western world.

After school we nipped into the new garage and saw quite how many sins you can hide behind 3 spare internal doors.

It was Park Thursday. As a sunny day, I stripped and played with Ben and the equally stripped JoniBobs, sadly going topless is something else the Bens are allergic to, like other people's BBQs and shopping trolleys. Off your trolley, if you ask me.

So I played while he dismantled beds in our dusty yet empty house, we were doing wrestling moves when he came back to get me. What am I supposed to do? There are no toys left!

Fingerbobs; a tragic tale

2013-05-01T20:26:00.000+01:00

Another lovely sunny day at school only slightly complicated by me wearing a raincoat in today. My class watered the willow tunnel and wigwam thing, let's hope it grows.

In the afternoon I was supposed to see Poppy. Sometimes, she comes around after she's had supper and invites me to play. Sadly, she eats supper at 5 something so by the time she gets to me, it's my suppertime and we have a raincheck. Today, the promised check for rain, she was ill and didn't even trample.

The tragedy of the day was deep and meaningful. A month or so ago, I entered a Lego building competition with my masterpiece "Dr Doofenschmirtz' Evil Headquarters". Today the competition organiser said "Yes please, can you deliver your model to us for display and entry into the final competition judging". Of course, I destroyed it as soon as the picture was taken, but at least they can print the picture and display it as an also-ran. Oh dear. My name in lights again, just no Oscar.
We had some strange visitors, the Erins. They dug up lots of our plants and tomato cage poles. Each to his own.

In the evening I got time with Jof as he was round at the new place examining just how much junk they'd left for us to take to the tip. We will have to hire the van again, not exactly as planned. Friday is going to be fun. Of all the junk, I think that my current favourites are
> The oxy-acetylene blowtorch kit with gas cylinders
> The pine desk containing death certificate and passport of the previous previous householder
> The giant dog basket, good for 3 horses
I shall keep you up to date with the treasure trove of delights, if we can get the net connected.

Ladygarden

2013-04-30T20:00:00.000+01:00

The countdown is in earnest now and the Hobbits are panicking. I took a van down to their place 3 years ago to teach them how easy and beneficial it is to clear the rubbish out of your house so it's easier to move home. They refused to heed our warnings and are now having to leave dining

suites and so forth behind for the charity shops to pick up.

School was OK, I suppose, but my class only got 30 minutes 'helping' to put up the new willow tunnel in the playground, all the other classes got a full hour.
I managed to finish my homework without too much kerfuffle, angst and histrionics and got 10 minutes bonus park before gymnastics: I have not remembered to practise my frog balancing so I was not good enough for badge #4.
The Lego Orphan box has started coming into its own, all they do is pack. Lucky we know a man that does boxes. Because we are clever we have also invented 'Green sticker means Garage' so that the nice removals men (who haven't actually answered the email yet) will know where to shove it.

Trousermouse

2013-04-29T20:07:00.001+01:00

I was most surprised when I went downstairs for breakfast, Bud was still here! A random day off for packing, apparently. Thus I got to school on time and got several minutes of Zombie Tag before the line-up and the working week began.

At home the tidying-down started (like tidying up, but actually increasing clutter) with the world of plant pots and loft boards and even Auntie Jane (a pre-war shelfy thing from a little old lady decades ago) coming down from the loft.

Daisy drew me a colourful dog. Erin says it's because she's in love with me, Erin's just jealous. In maths homework (telling the time) I confidently asserted that "At 3pm I am usually asleep" and "Hannah gets up at 7pm". It's a difficult time. He just stands there and tells me I'm as clever as a loftboard, and I laugh so much I get hiccups, which interferes with eating cucumber.

Ben arrived and we Lego Heroed for a bit and then played Two Tribes (annihilation mix - full of animals this time. We defended ourselves against Nazi Rhinocerosses in what may be the Osterreich position) in the park before Beavers.
Later we found that due to adult ineptitude (first time for everything) Bensmum had forgotten to collect the BBQ so we got a bonus scoot back through the park and a quick go on the swinging basket.

The House-Cooling Party

2013-04-28T20:46:00.000+01:00

It is traditional amongst the elite citizenry of the western world to have a house-warming party when moving home. Thus the new abode is introduced to its new owners and their friends, and vice versa. In our case, a house-warming party would be most apt, and in fact, heplful, as there is no central heating upstairs. However there are a number of safety issues such as no carpets, exposed brickwork and splintered woodwork, missing banisters, floorboards not present in all rooms, etc. So instead we are having a house-cooling party where we say goodbye to a house we already all know and love.

I started with outside jobs. I pushed the broom around the garden. I told Jof she could clean the BBQ. I allowed Bud to do the hoovering. I awarded Jof the task of wiping down all the garden furniture. Thus exhausted, I was playing candy crush saga on Jof's tablet when he made me come with him to source wood for the bonfire. Fires are important to us and our parties, and we do have old paperwork and cardboard to dispose of. So we hit the Pompey centre and hoiked some broken pallets and 5 assorted cable drums, a personal favourite.

Gradually the Puddlers arrived. The Popses had elected to hold their own rival BBQ party so we could see Pops bouncing on her trampoline only 3 houses north of our location but utterly unconnected to our own event.

We Legoed. We ate the BBQ food. We complained about unfairness, but only a little bit.

Then suddenly, the food ran out so the BBQ coals went on the bonfire, which went up a treat. I was in charge again, but only in my own head, so we took it in turns to incinerate cable drums and cardboard and pallet fragments. In the end, we had all taken our turns and the adults were getting a little fractious and anxious so we left them to it. Because we had been remiss and pedestrian in our wood-sourcing efforts, the wood ran out and as per desperate measures, he called Orphan Box.

Hey bleedin' presto, the mood changed and we all waited in slavering Pavlov-dog style anticipation. The Orphan Box was opened before us, and we fell upon its promised goodness like the unwashed natives of insanity.

I found the fabled X-wing fighter of Star Wars. Johnny found the Jack Sparrow Dinghy of Doom. Ben found the X-3024 Walker of the Planet Oomph or whatever. Beth and Erin found the pink building blocks of Lego Friends. And boy O girl, we just got on with it while the grown-ups dealt with the bonfire. It's a kinda firesale in that we won't be here for much longer so the silly people took every bit of burnable material from the garden (bamboo canes, prod sticks including the flagpole and several broom sticks - apart fom the legendary Doreen etc) and frazzled them. Ben went swimming through the pile of Lego so many of the components of the X-wing may be lost forever.

At about half seven, they left. Now, for some PuddleParties, this would be a mortal insult. But tomorrow is a school day so we understand.

And so it begins

2013-04-27T20:26:00.000+01:00

An early and mentally foggy start at 0830. We got the walkie-talkies back out of storage again and walked through the park where I was the oldest kid and the swinging basket was free. The bottlebank had moved due to the demolished pub so we carried the bottles back home again, and I bought Jof the chocolatiest chocolate cake in the shop and we saw the man with the van emptying out the house we bought yesterday and there was a whole Lego Hero in the charity shop for a mere 10p, what a victory.

Later, Ben came to pick me up for playdate #1. This was supposed to be a way of getting me out of the way so that much moving of boxes and furniture could take place. As far as I'm concerned, I got 6 excellent hours of Lego Heroing with Ben and we were little angels, allowing Bensmumanddad to basically sit around all day doing not much. As it happened, the keys to the new place never arrived, so while I was gone, they basically sat around the place doing not much apart from sitting pining for the fjords by the telephone like some lovelorn teenager, and doing the odd change-of-address letter to fill the time.

So the clearing-up for the house-cooling party meant that even more boxes were piled up in the Lego Room, waiting to be transported to the colonies. And I missed playdate #2, which was supposed to be Pops.

So while the game's afoot, it's still wearing carpet slippers and hasn't done its teeth yet.

The day we bought a house

2013-04-26T21:00:00.000+01:00

In a final flurry of paperwork and temporary insurances, we bought a house. And I thought lashing out £120 on a Lego Electric Train was a big payment.
This morning started beautifully. OK, so it was raining, but we have a roof. My chauffeur got me up and I took time out to awaken Jof. With 10 minutes to spare, we left the house and got snarled up in the traffic jam/car park that is rush hour in downtown Pompey. If you normally travel at 0610, you are unused to the exhaust-fest that is the morning commute. It took us 30 mins to get down the 1 road to YMCA and even then my troubles were not over. It isn't the actual holidays so the venue had moved next door. I was the only one there, even though I was half an hour late.
Only 2 other kids joined me so the teacher-child ratio (1:1) was very favourable. One kid was of indeterminate sex (you know, 12 years old, undecided in style, could go either way) and the other was a very naughty boy (but not the messiah). He stole all our pens, called the footballs 'fluffins' and handled the urinal cakes until he had green fingers.

Next door was swimming at my usual time. But to show you what I'm up against, the slightest change in routine leads to pandemonium. As I was at child-minding not school, I didn't change into my swimming trunks an hour before the lesson to save time as usual. So the trunks were not in my bag. I was in terminal danger of having to swim wearing only a bright yellow cap and goggles, luckily the nice manager lady found some trunks in the lost property. But really.....

So to celebrate spending fifty grand in one day, we scooted to the pub, as you do. Eventually more Puddlers joined us and I played hide the wood-chip with Erin and the JBs and Ben arrived to a fanfare. We made a posse and split up, some playing mobile-phone games, some playing games in the real world while the adults did whatever it is that they do.

Once I had scooted home, I had some quiet Legotime and then I accepted my bedtime fate without argument.