Beyond the Balcony

Return of 'Life on the Balcony' Explore the Burden of a 'Easy-Going' Mask

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sat, 6 Jun 2026 17:26:39 -0500

One of the big things about being diagnosed AuDHD is discovering how so many things I did were acts of survival. And the unfortunate thing is, they usually ended up draining me and leading to burnout rather than actually protecting.

It wasn't until after my diagnosis that I recognized I had been masking all my life. One of my most cherished masks was appearing to be 'easy-going' while on the inside, I was a fiery house trapped in a tornado being sucked into a black hole.

Not too surprising, I was often exhausted.

In my latest issue of Life on the Balcony, I reflect upon my decades of 'easy-going' masking, the cost it took on me, and how I now see myself.

It is one of my most personal pieces, and I'd love for you to give it a read. If you like it, please consider subscribing!

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Here We Go

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Fri, 5 Jun 2026 15:12:24 -0500

I've been sitting on an idea for a newsletter article for over six months now. It explores the discovery that I'm not nearly as easy-going, chill, or flexible as I once thought. Many of those traits weren't natural parts of me at all, but were acquired through decades of masking.

So why have I allowed this idea to gestate for half a year?

The same reason I haven't posted a podcast for most of 2026.

The same reason the long-promised MCU and Disney animated theatrical review series remain hidden.

Throw in the serialized fiction, new release movie reviews, and countless other projects into the nothing but empty promises pile.

For months, I've told myself I just need to do a few administrative tasks, work through some internal hurdles, and become the new and focused version of myself, ready to tackle all these ideas.

But the truth is that all this preparation and planning is the same all-or-nothing pattern that crushed my confidence, mental health, and creativity for most of my life.

I just didn't have a name for it until recently.

For years, I kept running into a wall because I was trying to be neurotypical when the reality was that I'm a creative AuDHD person. Someone who needs to create, but who often becomes overwhelmed with shame for not creating the "proper" way.

I need to write about easy-going as masking for the newsletter, not because I suddenly feel ready or because I believe it will be the best thing I've ever written.

I need to write it for the exact opposite reason.

I need to create before I feel ready because the earth-shattering truth is that I'll probably never feel ready.

Maybe my subscribers will respond with, "That's what we've been waiting six months for?"

Maybe it will disappear among the thousands of other things I've written.

Maybe my first review back will stink worse than an elephant's fart.

At this point, that's not really the point.

The point is creating again.

Starting before my brain feels primed.

Learning to enjoy the creative process through the fog, the overwhelm, and the molasses.

Because the reality is that creating has always been one of the healthiest and most energizing things in my life. The challenge isn't creating; it's gently navigating the doubt, perfectionism, and constant voice insisting that whatever I make isn't good enough.

Will I post every day?

Will this be the most magnificent June in the history of Beyond the Balcony?

I have no idea.

And honestly, it doesn't matter.

What matters is that I create.

I slowly rebuild my career.

That I show up for my readers, listeners, and myself.

And that I offer the best work I'm capable of creating today, not some imaginary masterpiece that only exists in a future where I finally feel ready.

Because that day may never come.

But today is here.

And today, I can create.

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Brain Mush

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Thu, 4 Jun 2026 11:09:00 -0500

I'm not sure when it started, but over the last few weeks, there has been a point in each day where my brain becomes pudding. Every thought gets swallowed by a thick, soupy fog. It's coated in a syrup of overwhelm as I constantly feel haunted by the need to make money, land more consistent work, and grow an audience for the site, newsletter, and podcast.

Of course, the newsletter and podcast should probably have something new if they have any chance of attracting a new audience. And I have ideas. Lots of ideas. Things I want to review. Stories I want to tell. Topics I want to discuss. I'm excited to create things for the site, podcast, and newsletter.

But my brain keeps demanding perfection while simultaneously being trapped in goo that seeps away coherent thought and the ability to produce.

I clean some dishes.

Do the laundry.

Cook dinner.

Each task seems to drain all I have in me.

I'm starting to suspect I haven't fully pulled myself out of autistic burnout. Decades of shame and guilt are still battering me, especially in the places I am most passionate about.

So what does this mean?

The best answer I've come up with is that I need to loosen my grip on the idea of the perfect review, the perfect newsletter, or the perfect podcast. Just create in all its messy glory.

Even if the podcast is only two minutes long.

Even if the review is only fifty words.

It's something.

Maybe those small mountains of wins can eventually build into something more majestic.

The same goes for landing work. Keep producing the best work I can for my current clients. Keep sending pitches. Keep developing ideas. Write the best pitch my current energy allows.

I spend a lot of time beating myself up for not being good enough.

But "not good enough" has always been better than nothing.

I'm also learning that my brain can only handle so much.

And that's okay.

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Maybe Time to Drop the Obsession

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Wed, 3 Jun 2026 17:11:00 -0500

The streak of posting things on here every day (or back-dating so it looks like I did) hasn't helped my career. It sure hasn't helped this site showcase my best work. If anything, it has been part of the reason reviews have been absent, podcasts have been delayed, and the newsletter has been on hiatus since last year.

My brain says I just catch up on all these posts, and work through a few administrative things, and BAM! I'm ready to kick off the year right with my best stuff ever and a constant flow of well-paying work and subscribers.

But that strategy has brought me to June with a brain that is still prepping for the year.

It's time to let go of things that don't actually matter but have been holding me back.

The streak has been a comfort blanket, but one that weighs over a ton and has been crushing me rather than protecting me.

I would like to be daily on here.

I would like a weekly podcast.

I would like weekly newsletters.

I would like everything to seem to have a routine and structure.

But I also know it doesn't need to be that way.

It is better to just create my best stuff and continue to build relationships with editors and clients so I can get my career back on track.

Sometimes that may mean a day is missed.

Or something is posted late.

Or despite all efforts, the review just didn't elicit a standing ovation, but instead will be forgotten by all in 10 seconds.

But I just need to keep working.

Keep trusting.

Keep appreciating my amazing readers and listeners.

Give them my best.

They want reviews, essays, and joy. They've never asked for a streak.

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No Idea What Is Next

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Tue, 2 Jun 2026 16:41:46 -0500

There is an outside chance I will still be able to accept the job offer.

The last few days, there is evidence that I have people who like my stuff, and if I really craft my best in the coming weeks, it could possibly be monetized.

I have a consistent but low-paying job, but also one that could provide the connections in the industry I love.

I'm slowly making a system that could possibly work with my brain and allow me to be more productive.

I want success.

I really do.

I also often feel so alone, inadequate, weird, and disliked.

I accept that I don't make friends easily, or that even those who like my stuff won't often say it. That breakthroughs are never obvious until hindsight arises.

These posts are more a form of self-preservation than anything someone wants to read.

It is my authentic self, and where I am right now.

I don't know where I'll be in a month. But I hope I've created things that are meaningful and valuable to someone before we get there.

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Miracle Moments

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Mon, 1 Jun 2026 17:25:00 -0500

I'm struggling.

I'm frustrated by my inability to get the groove flowing with the site, newsletter, and podcast.

I'm frustrated about the work I lost and my financial state, despite knowing a lot of this came by trying to be 'neurotypical' when my brain is wired much differently, and I burned myself out.

I'm frustrated that I often feel so alone and unable to make connections.

I'm frustrated over how desperate I feel in my current need for money.

A miracle.

I also know living on a miracle is a fool's plan.

As I feel hopeless, I remember miracles have happened in the past few years.

1. My Spreaker offer to join their Prime network was out of the blue because someone on the team liked our podcast.

2. In the past few months, many readers and listeners whom I have never met or talked to have donated money to help me out.

3. Received job offers due to the popularity of my site rather than pitching.

4. Was offered a paid acting gig without applying or even thinking that was an option.

5. Received pledges for my Substack even though I haven't promoted a paid tier yet.

6. A PR agent reached out with an offer to review screeners and conduct an interview without any pushing for such a thing.

Miracle happens. Every single day. It is our job to be grateful for them. and be willing to accept them. See them as that chance to launch off them and create something even better. And then pass on that same kindness when we have the chance.

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Feeling Beaten But Not Defeated

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sun, 31 May 2026 22:42:00 -0500

I'm struggling financially. The harder part is the haunting doubts that my writing can't correct things, despite not feeling like there is much else I can do. I am stuck in toxic goo, sinking by the day, but I keep seeing a ladder just out of reach to pull me out.

I have ideas and the talent, but my mental health and self-doubt are so twisted up while I am still trying to figure out what being neurodivergent and successful means, that I remain trapped, unable to even brush the ladder of reversed fortunes.

I didn't recognize it at the time, but the complete and utter failure of my Letters to Santa idea was a major confidence suck. Though if I even take a second to think it through, the problem likely has a lot to do with not advertising them until December, when the launch should have been in September. If I ever try it again, I'd come in far more prepared, rather than the Hail Mary desperation pass that it was by offering a few extras and coming off far more professional.

The lack of any response essentially killed my follow-up idea of a PDF of updated essays from the site and other places. I thought it was a decent idea, but I started doubting it would be worth the effort if no one responded to my first offer. My brain protected me by keeping on pushing back, working on the PDF.

It then pushed back everything. I started 2026 with an idea of taking a few days to refocus and launch stronger, and now, somehow, we're at the halfway point of the year, and I haven't sent one Substack newsletter, only posted one podcast, and no 2026 reviews have been written.

It might be time to get back to work.

This week landed another nut shot in the form of a job offer that, even if I only got 40 hours out of it, would have significantly helped my debt and financial situation, and given me the momentum to start believing in myself again and possibly lead to even more lucrative work.

But not being able ot afford any photo ID at the moment means I can't take the job, and they aren't budging on making concessions or alternative options. I realize that it's more of a them thing than me, but it definitely makes me think I just must not be worth the effort.

But I also, despite not being that productive this year and feeling I am letting my readers and listeners down, got several very kind donations from people I don't even know. If a stranger is giving you money because they like your work, then it must have some kind of value.

I am in a tough spot. The next few weeks, I really need money, and my current lined-up work won't make a dent or offer the help I need. My site, newsletter, and podcast don't make much more than money for a pastry and fancy coffee (but I can't buy them because I have to save up for the important things I can't afford).

What does it mean? It definitely means I am grateful that I have people who still read my stuff and clearly care about my work. Every kind word and any level of donation means more than you'd ever know.

It also means I just need to start throwing myself out there. Not create the perfect newsletter or podcast, and craft the masterpieces, but just something that takes my effort and creativity, and let the world decide its fate. I just need to create and see where that will take me.

I will also likely launch a paid tier for the newsletter because I've been given pledges, and I can't access that money until the newsletter goes paid. This also means I want to have some exclusive issues ready to go. I also want to at least try to see if PDF is something anyone would be interested in purchasing.

I have a lot planned, and even if I can't reach that ladder, I have some work to do.

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The 'What If' Trap

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sat, 30 May 2026 10:11:00 -0500

I've been in a bit of a 'what if' spiral after I was unable to move forward with a relatively good-paying job offer due to being unable to complete their rather complex verification process.

What if I had gotten a photo ID months ago?

What if I completed that one assignment on time?

What if I dived deeper into copywriting?

What if I had been better at leveraging my pop culture experience when I was 'hot'?

What if I pursued that sponsor?

What if I wrote that pitch?

What if I wrote more reviews?

What if?

Our society tends to be one where we look back. Say we are where we are because of that choice we made, and things would have been better if we did that specific thing better or if we did it at all.

But 'what ifs' don't let us move forward. They can't be changed. We have to, in the end, deal with the now, no matter what was done in the past.

The truth is that now is much more malleable and changeable than we often give it credit.

I am trying to remind myself to keep on putting out my best work and aiming to be better every day, because you never know what things could stumble on the path.

I never expected the out-of-nowhere offer from Spreaker Prime to join their network.

I never expected a PR agent to suddenly contact me for an interview and screeners.

I never expected amazing readers in the past few weeks to donate money as thanks for the work I do. Yes, I am so grateful and touched.

You never know what the next moment will give. So, it is better ot focus on the now than what could have been done in the unchangeable past.

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A Letter to My Neurodivergent Brain

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Fri, 29 May 2026 09:09:00 -0500

Dear Brain,

I know you think you're protecting me.

But we don't need to do a deep dive into every comment, look, or body language.

We don't need to over-analyze if this person's action, decision, or choice is a reflection of how they value us.

It's okay not to think 'all-or-nothing' and allow one little hiccup or lack of encouragement to be a declaration of being the reigning lord of suckitude.

Sincerely,

A guy whose own inner warfare reminds him how important it is to make others feel seen and loved.

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End of the Road

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Thu, 28 May 2026 14:11:00 -0500

Looks like both the company that sent me the job offer and the company that handles verifications refuse to make any exceptions or exhibit flexibility. So, the $70.00 job offer has evaporated into the wind.

The irony is that the job offering me money, where I can afford to get a photo ID, demands I have the photo ID that I can't currently afford without the money.

Well, in happier news, several amazing readers have donated some money to Kofi. Considering that I admit I haven't provided my best work in a little while, I am very grateful. I promise the best is yet to come.

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Open to Deity Intervention

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Wed, 27 May 2026 15:19:00 -0500

There is a special kind of searing and debilitating pain that comes from the unexpected roadblock right when one believed a miracle had happened.

I recently received an out-of-nowhere job offer during a time that I desperately needed money. But the company has a very extensive onboarding process that appears to be AI-driven, with requirements like a criminal check that I've never seen before in the contract and freelance realm.

The flaming karate kick to the balls happened when I had to scan a photo ID that I don't currently have in an unexpired form. I can't currently afford to apply for a new one.

Just like that, the work that offered a very substantial rate and could solve my debt and finance problems within weeks, has become vapor unless a new miracle comes my way immediately.

I'm in a spot where I'm desperate for pay. I can't afford shoes or a phone plan. I can't pay for the process for a photo ID. In a few weeks, I need to find a way to be in Fergus, and being able to afford a hotel would fix most of my problems.

If I ever needed an all-powerful God to show some mercy and exhibit the power of miracles, it would be now.

About fifteen hundred dollars would suddenly erase all stress, and really give me a bit of focus to start creating articles and podcasts for this site, and getting back to a several-month neglected newsletter.

But that is probably wishing for a little too much, but just being able to bring ads back on this site and being able to accept the recent work offer would be, without much hyperbole, a game-changer.

For now, I just need to keep on believing in myself, properly working with my brains, and delivering my best work with hopes it leads to some financially happier days.

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6 Reasons to Love Theatre. . . Or Maybe Not

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Tue, 26 May 2026 13:26:00 -0500

The top 6 reasons I love performing in theatre:

1. The unwavering, haunting feeling you really aren't good enough, and everyone just says otherwise, so you won't cry on stage.

2. Knowing a scene starts unravelling all because you dropped a line or said something from a completely different show.

3. Having a quick change only to realize someone moved your props and costume, and so you have no choice but to jump up and down in your underwear.

4. An audience so dead and uninterested that you can hear every single fart.

5. After the show is over, your body screams you're not as young as you used to be, and you have a limp for the next six weeks.

6. Smelling like a water buffalo that just did a 60 Minute workout due to the hot lights and winter coat-like costume.

Wait. . . I think this is the wrong list.

But even with all those things possibly existing, theatre is one of the greatest things in the entire universe. It is always worth it.

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The Disastrous Money Loop

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Mon, 25 May 2026 10:38:00 -0500

Yet again, not having money is stopping me from making the money that I need.

As you may notice, ads have disappeared from the site. They weren't making huge money, but they were slowly building up a decent little side income. But Google hit me with a verification due to the amount I made, and it required an ID that I don't have, and I currently can't afford.

Well, I recently was given a job offer that, if I even get close to 40 hours of work from it, I'd be in a much better financial spot, and have some breathing room to create a bit and pay off some necessary debts and bills.

But the company requires an ID verification process that once again demands an ID that I don't have, and I cannot afford. I've contacted the company and the verification company, and just been met with an AI representative telling me that I haven't finished the process, rather than offering any solution that allows me to use a different ID to prove I am me.

Which means, I likely won't land the work that would give me the money that would allow me to get the ID I need for the job.

Here we are with the nasty money loop, where I need to make money, but I can't make money because I don't have money. There are also likely a few things coming up in the coming weeks that I'll need money for, too.

If only my brain decided to not hit autistic burnout and lose work and spiral into depression for a few years. What a poor choice in the Choose Your Own Adventure that was.

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Theatre for the Soul

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sun, 24 May 2026 06:50:00 -0500

Sometimes theatre can fill up your heart and risk shedding some happy tears.

I found out that a previous performance was so loved that it was part of the inspiration for them to get into community theatre.

Another family I don't know cheered when they saw me leave the backstage, gushed about how I was one of their favourites, and even got a photograph taken (of course, I was out of costumes, just humble me. . . they loved many other cast members too).

I was told a few times that Weselton was a crowd favourite, and many loved all his hijinks (that I must remember to keep stretching before).

But the reality is, I'm just one performer. And a goofball at that. This cast is amazing, and you can only be as good as the incredibly talented people surrounding you with their energy and absolutely shine in all their scenes.

But it isn't about me. Aredelle is an entire magical world to explore and be enchanted by. You can do it this afternoon for the final show of the weekend in Fergus. Then we're back on the weekend of June 12 with four more shows.

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Open With Magic

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sat, 23 May 2026 06:40:00 -0500

Opening night was magical.

Such an amazing audience with so many excited kids. I even heard one say, 'Oh boy, Weselton is back, this should be funny!'

There is nothing like connecting with an audience and sweeping them off to a majestic land for two hours.

We do it again today for two shows in Fergus. A few tickets are still left. This cast and crew are putting their heart into this, and you will be entertained.

To my fellow cast, you are amazing and nailed it last night. Be proud!

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Opening Night Feels Like the First Time in Forever

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Fri, 22 May 2026 12:06:00 -0500

Open up the gates! The gates! The gates! The GATES!

It is the opening night of the four-weekend run of Playful Fox Productions presentation of Disney's Frozen. One of my favourite parts of theatre is those magical moments when I can share a show with family, and this time it has been pure magic performing with my Disney princess, Danika. I remember when she was young, we'd play out many scenes together from the movie, and now we get to do it in front of an audience this time with scripts and actual directing, and costumes that fit.

It has been a joy getting to know the amazing props, costumes, and crew who work hard and have turned this into a dazzling production. Many of the ridiculously talented leads are wonderful people I've been blessed to share the stage with before. Malakai Darien Fox, Marissa Kate Wilson, and Andy Dominick are the incredible talents that force you to elevate your own work on the stage. Lex Green really embodies Olaf, and kids are going to love him. Of course, Robert Scott is a great performer who will bring many smiles as Oaken and has always been such a wonderful person to my family and me.

I have the honour of meeting Grace Course in this production, and wow, you'll be blown away by her spirit, energy, nuance, and pure joy as Anna. Not only is she overflowing with talent, but she is one of the most sincere and kindest people you could meet, and her effort alone makes one want to do their best to try to be even 10% as good.

It has been such a joy meeting so many new performers. I've been blown away by their gifts and how well they've become their characters. Many in this cast have a bright future on the community theatre stage.

A shout-out to my dance partner Sarah Palermo, who is so great at just adding little details to a scene and is always deep in her character. I have a lot of fun playing off her. I also got to meet the very friendly Andrew Moran, who is the best Lars the Lackey I could ever ask for.

But seriously, everyone is great in this show. You'll really want to see this with your whole family. I'm excited to get it all started tonight!

Get your tickets soon because they're becoming harder to find than a hidden folk.

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The Austism Means Bad Communicator Myth

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Thu, 21 May 2026 12:44:00 -0500

This is why, for so long, I believed I couldn’t be autistic because I was a strong public speaker, performer, and presenter, but then I started to think of the cost it took to get there, and my incredible ability to be often misunderstood in my life.

Important to remember that if someone doesn’t quite interact the way you expect, it doesn’t mean they are being purposefully rude, selfish, or distant.

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The Complicated Relationship with AuDHD and Socialization

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Wed, 20 May 2026 14:03:00 -0500

Some people who know me would say I am outgoing, friendly, and kind.

Some would think I am reserved, quiet, and shy.

Some would say I'm an animated goofball.

Others a moody, grumpy, curmudgeon.

Some think I am easy-going, and others a bouncing stressball.

But inside, I always feel like I don't quite fit in, constantly analyzing that last conversation or doing a deep dive into that certain look. Afraid I talked too much about my passions, or it was too obvious I was lost in a group conversation, or afraid my drained social battery was interpreted as rudeness.

I feel like a contradiction. Deeply wanting meaningful relationships and friendships, but at times completely terrified of navigating social situations with all its sensory obstacles, social rules, and expectations.

The fear of being too much, misunderstood, or too clingy. I feel my AuDHD has successfully pushed away more relationships than the friendships I've made. But it has also given me an open-mindedness and empathy for others who may struggle or never quite fit in.

I don't expect any of these to get much easier, but my hope is that my own journey allows me to create relationships that matter and help others feel seen and accepted.

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Want to See 'Frozen' This Friday?

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Tue, 19 May 2026 11:48:00 -0500

Do you feel that sudden cold in the air?

It is about to get Frozen.

This show is STACKED with incredible talent, and there are likely some familiar dance numbers or sequences that will be presented in a fresh and fun way. A great family event with lots of comedy, emotion, and thrills.

You know what else? It could also be a great date night.

Sadly, my mom, a few weeks back, suffered a fall and a fractured pelvis. She is healing. She is okay. But not enough to attend the show on Friday.

This means 🎁I have two free tickets✌ for opening night in Fergus this Friday. Please reach out if you're interested.

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Time Blindness

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Mon, 18 May 2026 22:23:00 -0500

Somehow, we have moved into a new week. May is more than halfway done. Impending stress over debts and work, and relationships mounts with every passing day. Yet my brain is stuck, refusing to believe it isn't still the start of the year. Paralyzed by a mounting To-Do List designed to help, but just plunges deeper into fear and panic.

May should bring flowers, but right now I feel strangled by weeds. Not believing the sun has set so many times, and I'm still tangled near the starting line, in a race where the finish line keeps moving or disappearing.

The only real answer is to dare to stumble. Dare to ignore my pristine plans and dreams, and allow something a little messier and awkward to ramble out. Dare to crawl a little while pulling off each obstacle slowly but surely.

I can't believe it is closer to June than the start of May.

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Weekends

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sun, 17 May 2026 22:38:00 -0500

I constantly feel caught in a tornado. Unshakeable feeling of being paralyzed by thoughts, expectations, and fears despite being tossed about. Driven by deep feelings that I'm bound to disappoint or fail. Weekends can be hard. They are shame fuel. I still feel the need to catch up on what was missed all week, but there is either a family that wants to spend time with me or chores around the house that must be done. I do them, but constantly dreading and stressing over what is unfinished.

This has been my life for too long. I now realize part of this is AuDHd, but I also realize it is a cycle that must end.

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The Inspirational 'Standout: The Ben Kjar Story' Documentary is My Latest Review for The Video Librarian

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sat, 16 May 2026 09:39:54 -0500

One of the most popular stories throughout movie history is the underdog tale of the perceived outsider rising up and proving their worth. It has a predictable formula, but when done right, it can be inspirational, motivational. and uplifting. Standout: The Ben Kjar Story takes the successful format to the documentary film, by sharing the true story of Ben Kjar, who was born with Crouzon syndrome and went against doctor orders and a lack of natural athletic talent to forge a successful Greco-Roman and freestyle wrestling career.

The feature explores the many obstacles Kjar must endure and overcome throughout his life, including bullying, medical challenges, and unexpected hardships. We meet the many friends, family, and teammates he positively impacts throughout his life. The movie showcases the importance of anti-bullying, open-mindedness, endurance, hard work, and the power of being loving, kind, and compassionate.

You can read my full review over at The Video Librarian.

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On the Docket

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Fri, 15 May 2026 21:59:00 -0500

I wrote a review for The Video Librarian. It won't make me a member of the Millionaire Club, but doing some work is a positive direction during a time when I feel caught in a vortex of infinite despair.

I'm hoping for quite a bit more work in the coming days, and start that slow chiseling away of debt and gradual piling of money towards supporting my family and maybe even affording new shoes and a phone plan.

What should you expect other than my usual stream of throwaway posts?

I saw The Sheep Detective, which means a review will be on its way.

I'll have The Movie Breakdown with reviews, but also an exclusive interview.

I've been debating writing a piece about the hidden struggles of appearing 'easy-going' for my return to Life on the Balcony.

I also have a screener to two movies, which means I can review them.

The most important thing for me is recognizing that none of those will come off perfect or hit the exact days I want. I just need to be compassionate to myself and take the proper time to create my best work yet.

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Little Fissures of Success

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Thu, 14 May 2026 15:18:00 -0500

I've been looking up for a miracle.

I don't really believe it's possible. But desperation alters how you see things. When overwhelm and anxiety dominate your day, and nothing seems to get the motor running, you hope for a majestic mechanic to appear from thin air and make it all better.

Sometimes that means crossing fingers that an X will mark the spot and sudden treasure will appear. A thousand dollars will take off some of the pressure and give me the confidence to take a chance or two, rather than feel paralyzed by the idea that my next choice must be the game-changer.

This leads to my other constant thought about my yearned-for miracle. A breaktrhrough.

The hope one viral post, one landed gig, one published article, or one sent newsletter will suddenly land me hordes of loyal readers where I can monetize my work or leverage it to better-paying work or a book deal. The sudden moment that it all changes, and life is a field of lollipops and disco-grooving unicorns.

Except the reality is a breakthough only appears that way to an outsider. They hear about a new hot writer or discover a game-changing invention. They don't know that the writer or inventor has been spending years or even decades working through that idea and trying things that fail and other things that end up being a stepping stone to their eventual 'overnight success'.

I need to realize when I am at my most down and frustrated, where I am desperate for some money to get me out of debt and build some momentum, that breakthrough only comes from a series of small cracks.

Success fissures.Little moments that create the large crack and give the outside world the belief it was a breakthrough. A sudden moment. A out of nowhere victory.

It comes wth just a little victory every day.

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Stesh Frart

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Wed, 13 May 2026 15:07:00 -0500

Likely, many won't ever read this post.

That is fine.

It is one of many throwaway, pointless posts that I chuck on here to keep some meaningness streak alive without pushing through the roadblocks, fears, and overwhelm of actually putting myself out there with something authentic and vulnerable.

Can a movie review be vulnerable?

Can a pop culture piece be vulnerable?

It is when every piece you create feels like a judgment or a reflection of my worth. I define myself as a writer because I often feel there isn't much more left to define me. It is the thing that I am good at, but if my best is a fart in church, then what does that say about me?

Yet that fear has played a staggering role in my current dilemma.

I need money, I need work. And I sure would like this site, my newsletter, and podcast to be able to play a positive part in my career.

But it doesn't really do that at the moment. I am very lean on work, and lack the readers or listeners open to paying for my work.

This, of course, is all fine.

It means I need to take more chances. I need to just push forward. I need to craft something that justifies my hopes and dreams.

I need to write something that has a chance.

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