Beyond the Balcony

Small Things That Drain

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Tue, 27 Oct 2026 18:18:03 -0500

Going on a car ride with a person you don't know well and wondering how to make conversation.

A social gathering you love, but still constantly feeling you're being judged or needing to mask.

Thoughts of social interactions from days ago still taking up extensive space.

The impending appointment.

The feelings of shame about not meeting expectations of self or others.

Doing what is expected and fighting shame when you just want to do your own thing.

Shifting to two activities throughout the day.

Self-doubt.

Worrying that people are going to give up on this site as I try to shift out of this 'phase '.

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Possible Year End Shift

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Tue, 27 Oct 2026 13:35:00 -0500

As the next two months will likely be more catch-up rather than focusing on the hottest releases, I may end up doing a best of from the past few years rather than 2026. This puts less pressure on just seeing new releases, but also gives me time to track down movies I should have seen years ago.

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What Are the Must Catch-Up Movies?

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Tue, 27 Oct 2026 13:01:03 -0500

I haven't reviewed many movies in the past few years, which means I haven't analyzed some important, acclaimed works. Which movies should be my top priority?

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Things Brewing

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Tue, 27 Oct 2026 09:14:55 -0500

I just got a ride from a retired wrestler who made his name in Stampede Wrestling and was just a decision away from becoming the tag team partner of Nikolai Volkoff in the 1987 WWF. Sometimes you just need to keep those eyes open and the mind soaring to see possibilities and recognize the possible connections you have.

Some ideas are bouncing about, and I may have a few magical potions coming your way.

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Remember When a Vote Could Be Informed?

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Mon, 26 Oct 2026 14:41:16 -0500

Or maybe I'm naive.

Maybe the informed vote never really existed.

Though back when newspapers were robust, and clickbait didn't exist, there tended to be much more local news that could really delve into important issues. Through that reporting, you could at least learn a little about candidates.

Now, it all seems blanketed under jargon and promises with no actual 'how we'll do it' backing. It is frustrating, Tiring. And kind of just makes voting feel like a multiple-choice quiz you didn't study for.

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So Close...Hopefully

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Mon, 26 Oct 2026 09:55:32 -0500

Okay, fine... this is all leading to a restart, A refresh. A new beginning. But one that will allow me to be messy, make mistakes, and not have to go through all this ever again.

Hopefully.

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Power Nap

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sun, 25 Oct 2026 20:22:22 -0500

Hated them as a young kid, and wished I could have them more as an adult.

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What?!?

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sun, 25 Oct 2026 15:13:27 -0500

I constantly feel on the outside. Someone everyone rolls their eyes at. A person they deem odd and weird. It may not be their real belief, but I deeply believe it. Always a little off in my own skin. Always just struggling to do what seems natural.

Things I'm Slowly Figurinng Out

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sun, 25 Oct 2026 13:01:02 -0500

Doing a task I don't find fulfilling for too long will start to make me itchy.

I tend to crash rather than sense that I'm getting tired

I can appear very social and articulate, but it comes at a high energy cost

I'll zone out without very little warning

I work better if I vary my day and keep things diverse

I work better if it is structured and predictable

The two above can conflict

I work better alone, because I'm not constantly monitoring and obsessing over what others are thinking.

Smell can floor me

I am a perfectionist unless I am doing my 'before perfect work'

I can be really focused and obsessed with things that are hard to explain to others

Brain fog is real

I Still Doubt

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sun, 25 Oct 2026 08:53:50 -0500

Others seem to struggle more,

While many struggle much less.

But do any of them have doubts as much as me,

Clinging to something to explain it all.

We all come in different shapes, sizes, and quirks,

But sometimes I feel mine are self-created.

Is it wiring or something worse?

What has put me here in this moment?

Can it be fixed?

Explained?

Managed?

Do I want it to,

Is that why I'm stuck here?

I thought I found a kinship,

Now, I feel trapped alone,

Dark, stuffy, suffocating,

There is a light of reason.

Or so I thought.

Maybe it was just imagined.

Maybe it was an excuse.

Not an explanation.

Doubt seems to be my constant companion.

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Time Blindness

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sat, 24 Oct 2026 15:03:17 -0500

I'm realizing time blindness is much more than losing hours. It is days, weeks, or more. The idea that my brain thinks these things have only been held off for a day, but then I realize it has been sitting idle since the summer. I have no answers. Just something I'm realizing is such a huge challenge for many neurodivergent people. It explains a lot.

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I Hope My Wierdness Is My Appeal

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sat, 24 Oct 2026 13:28:57 -0500

I know this barrage of small posts and my mysterious talk about overcoming the habits and routines of a decade-plus to focus better on my career and creative projects makes no sense. Especially since I'm being painfully vague about this all. But my hope is that in the last month, a few posts of some kind of value have stumbled in. And I really am committed to getting this site, my newsletter, and podcast back and running. Very soon there will be much better posts, more aligned with pop culture, movie reviews, and a scattering of parenting and neurodivergent insights.

But the person who is doing this wacky stint of random posts will be the same person writing the reviews, newsletters, and stories, which means they are bound to be a little odd and quirky.

It is sort of my thing.

If I have any chance of growing my audience, hopefully you kind of dig it.

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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sat, 24 Oct 2026 11:08:31 -0500

Apparently, in about the 1920s, the interpretation of the punchline moved away from the literal 'to get the other side' and actually became far more morbid by referring to the afterlife.

My literal autistic brain never thought of it that way until reading about it a year ago from someone else discovering that interpretation of the punchline.

Though when it was first published in The Knickerbocker in 1847, it was considered an 'anti-joke' with the idea that it is funny because you're expecting a clever punchline but instead get a literal answer.

Also, fewer chickens were harmed in that version.

It is also interesting to find out there is an actual origin of the joke, but I think the person who actually came up with the joke before it was published in the monthly New York magazine has been lost to time.

Much like a chicken in heavy traffic.

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Knowing My Energy

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Fri, 23 Oct 2026 18:05:05 -0500

Every night, my brain becomes a mix of gelatin, overcooked noodles, and steam. My body feels like it just finished a battle with a bulldozer. My emotions are riding a unicycle on a tightrope fraying at one end. My energy. . . well, it is non-existent.

Yet I still cook dinner, put the kids to bed, and find lots of time to beat myself up on another day not landing work, writing a review, or creating a newsletter or podcast.

But energy during the day is being spent somehow. In the coming days, I need to be much better at really recognizing where I spend those limited dimes of energy.

Try to make them count.

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All These Planned Things

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Fri, 23 Oct 2026 16:22:41 -0500

Despite no podcasts, newsletters, or interesting articles this year, this doesn't mean I have been smothered with ideas and constantly seeping with passion to create. Ideas and passion have never been a struggle. Confidence, Energy, Stuck in harmful routines. Those have been the challenges.

But while they will likely always exist in some form, I hope very soon to have better control. Or more willingness to just fail spectacularly.

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Ways I Recalibrate and Recharge as an AuDHD Adult

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Fri, 23 Oct 2026 14:55:35 -0500

Rattle off fictionalized versions of wrestling cards from the 1980s ir 1990s

Sing random but not actual songs

Script conversations

Rock back and forth

Squeeze stress-like toys or squishy toys like NeeDohs

Fidget

Rub my legs

Play out fictional conversations

Imaginative play

Watch comfort movies

Read

Make-up stories

Get lost in imaginative thoughts and worlds

Write low-thought and quick posts

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Splat!

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Fri, 23 Oct 2026 08:31:15 -0500

Right in the window. What a mess. Should have seen it. Not like it was clean. It clearly wasn't an open doorway.

But determination and desperation meant that only what was wanted was seen. The promise. The warmth. The newness.

So Splat!

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No One Cares

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Thu, 22 Oct 2026 20:23:33 -0500

My numbers this year have been surprisingly okay despite not really creating many great articles or really following the subjects that built this site. But, like most of my time as a creator, the engagement has been horrible unless you count bots. I know part of that is the state of what I've recently created, but I also fear that even at my best, I seem to be unable to get my audience to interact.

The actual time a single user spends on the site is low, the comments are insignificant, and shares are even rarer. Even if I have an actual audience, they aren't incredibly interested in what I create. They sort of sniff around a little and go on their way. Like my dog on a walk, except with less urine.

But to prove me wrong, any millionaires who frequent this site, feel free to show you care by giving a substantial donation on Kofi.

Or not.

I'm just happy if there are people who are still sticking with me, and maybe one day you can show your love by becoming a paid subscriber.

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A Post Three Months Late

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Thu, 22 Oct 2026 17:36:37 -0500

I say no restarts. Refresh. Fresh starts. Resets. New beginnings.

Yet, I've been withholding a post for almost three months, because I've convinced myself it is indeed going to be my first post of the 'new era'.

Yet, now it has mostly lost its impact and relevance.

Some things never change.

You'll know what I'm talking about soon.

Hopefully.

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Kindness Rules

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Thu, 22 Oct 2026 15:13:17 -0500

The older I get, the more I recognize how brave, strong, and just an ethos of kindness is. How much we need to allow empathy, compassion, and understanding to guide us. Especially now.

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Against Expectations

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Thu, 22 Oct 2026 13:26:47 -0500

I've always loved the underdog. The figure who was deemed to fail yet somehow rose above all expectations. The outcast who, despite all challenges and hardships, was able to overcome and maybe even finally be appreciated. Being diagnosed AuDHD explains why this has been the narrative I am so attached to. Right now, when things are rough and I feel like I can't overcome, I need to believe those stories and characters I latched on to can be true. I can do it too.

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Perfectionism Cure

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Wed, 21 Oct 2026 17:21:42 -0500

Part of the reason for this tirade of random and not-very-good posts is to break out of a perfection trap. Knowing these pieces will always be lurking and buried on this site. Hopefully, buried by some of my best work ever.

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Better Than the Lottery

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Wed, 21 Oct 2026 16:56:20 -0500

When I start back posting weekly podcasts, newsletters, movie reviews, and stories, I don't plan to stifle the creativity with sessions of begging. I've made it clear I need money. I am hoping for some clients to finally pay their invoices, and my decade-plus of professional writing will land me work. If my creativity shines on this site, then maybe some readers will want to support me through paid subscriptions or my Kofi.

But letting people know I'll accept donations and have a glimmer of hope that some kind reader has a substantial amount of disposable income and wants to help me out is about as far-fetched as winning the lottery. Probably way more likely. As I've had many readers kindly support and donate to me. I do have years of work they can enjoy, and will continue to create more work and articles.

They do get something out of it. A little extra money gives me room to create even more.

So, yes, hoping for a surprise donation seems silly, but less so than buying a lottery ticket.

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Do People Actually Like Me?

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Wed, 21 Oct 2026 15:40:34 -0500

And if they do, then why?

Things I wonder too much as I wallow in the corner being awkward.

Less Trailers

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Wed, 21 Oct 2026 14:29:37 -0500

My hope going forward as a critic is to go into as many movies as possible knowing the absolute bare minimum. I'll see trailers at the theatre. I'll be bound to read about some movie news or encounter other information. When choosing a movie, I'll at least glance at plot descriptions or see who is directing to make a decision.

But my hope is to go in with the best chance of being surprised and learning the story as it unfolds. A good way ot achieve that is to minimize my trailers. I love a good trailer, but I'll try to avoid reviewing too many, and just stick to what shows up at the cinemas rather than tracking them online.

We will find out soon if I stick to this at all.

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