Beyond the Balcony

Money Scramble

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Thu, 30 Jul 2026 17:18:32 -0500

I haven't hidden that my current financial state is hovering around dire. It has done less-than-wonderful things to my mental health, managing my neurodivergence, and sparking my creativity. Due to some health concerns, the need for therapy, and various other things to support my family situation, it looks like my need for real and actual money is mounting. This is a bit of a panic attack because I was just scrounging about for money so I could afford shoes, buy a phone that works, a computer that doesn't crash hourly or can actually run Windows 11, a phone plan when I have a phone, photo ID, and, well, I could go on.

The money situation seems to be one not entirely interested in relenting or feeling like I have any sense of control.

I have little smidgeons of work lined up, with none of it substantial, but some money is always more helpful than none. I will continue to pitch and apply to potential clients, and believe that I have great skills to offer when it comes to creating work that connects with audiences for businesses and publications.

I am also well aware that the most important thing is to start creating more pop culture pieces on this site, create weekly pieces on Life on the Balcony, and post weekly The Movie Breakdown podcasts.

I'm also starting to formulate a few things I could possibly sell to also help my money situation. I feel that in order for that to be appealing, I need to build back trust and consistency on my three main projects.

In the coming weeks, I hope to sell a PDF that will contain some of my best essays, and hopefully one new essay as well. No idea if this will appeal to anyone; I am thinking of charging around $10.00 CAD for it.

I also need to launch the paid tier for the Substack newsletter. I also want to at least have three or four exclusive pieces ready to go, so there is something to offer those who kindly decide to become paid subscribers.

Another thing I am considering is launching a service where someone can choose any movie for me to review for $125.00 CAD. Before this likely has a chance to succeed, I need to get back to being consistent with reviews.

Before I have anything to sell, and if you have appreciated all my work over the decade plus as a professional writer, I'd be ever so grateful if you'd consider donating if you are in a place to do so.

As always, thank you so much for the support and love. Many great things are on the way.

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If my work resonates with you, then please consider supporting me either by subscribing to my Life on the Balcony newsletter, throwing a tip my way through the Support Me badge or my Ko-fi page, or considering hiring me for your business.

Channeling Obsession

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Wed, 29 Jul 2026 14:11:00 -0500

It is inevitable that most people who are neurodivergent will have those interests, activities, or projects that will trigger a hyperfocus. It will become all-consuming. They will think about it all day. They won't truly be happy until they can spend significant time on it each day. Balance is not really a typical neurodivergent trait. It is all or nothing, even if reality says that is possible. But we try.

But it can sometimes lead to certain obsessions that may not be entirely happy. There is a reason so many neurodivergent people struggle with substance abuse, addiction, and anxiety. They become fixated on that one thing, and feel it is necessary to survive a day in the world never truly designed for them.

I recognize that while I am lucky to not have fallen into drug addiction, I do have my things that my brain feels are the most monumental tasks and I'll obsess about daily, and get upset if interrupted, that are not particularly helpful for my life, relationships, and career.

Just quitting has not proven to be possible for me. Or at least. not without much blood and tears shed, and a completely drained body left to be nothing but a husk. But I do think I can gradually shift my obsessive and hyperfocus into things that are far more beneficial. Slowly introduce things that are similar but will either advance my career or bring actual joy to my life.

Neurodivergent people have to face that hyperfocus and special interests are just a necessary part of their life. It is finding those things and gently nudging them in a way that betters their life.

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Places to Write

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Tue, 28 Jul 2026 13:57:00 -0500

A few places I hope to one day be published:

The Walrus

Entertainment Weekly

The Atlantic

Rolling Stone

New Yorker

The Vulture

Roger Ebert site

Life on the Balcony & Beyond the Balcony: Okay, I am the only one who gets published on both. But one day. I'd like to actually be making money with each post, and if I write for outside places, it is because I really want to do it rather than because I have to do it.

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Turnaround?

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Mon, 27 Jul 2026 22:03:00 -0500

I never thought we would be marching out of July, and I'm terrified of my future. Where I'll be. The status of relationships. Feeling all my dreams at the edge. The attempts at new clients hit or miss. My site, newsletter, and podcast in an unshakeable funk.

Obviously, declarations of fresh starts or attempts at using a streak as a sense of some control aren't making anything better.

I just wish I knew the cure.

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Nothing Life-Changing

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sun, 26 Jul 2026 21:20:00 -0500

I asked about a week ago if a certain day would be known as the moment I turned things around.

It won't.

But that isn't failure.

That is a small step towards something bigger. I didn't get there right away. The path has proven to not be perfect. But that doesn't change the future or what I want to create.

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Guess Who is Starring in an Upcoming 'Dear Evan Hansen'?

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sat, 25 Jul 2026 21:58:00 -0500

When Everett said he wanted to be Evan Hansen in the upcoming youth production of Dear Evan Hansen put on by 20 Performing Arts Academy, I supported and encouraged him. I also wasn't sure if he was ready for such an emotional and challenging role.

Then he committed to hours and hours of putting real emotion and connection into his audition songs. He crafted and honed his monologue. It became so clear to me that this is a role he deeply wanted and was passionate about. No matter what, I was so proud of the work, effort, and heart he put into the audition.

Knowing how much energy he poured into those songs, I started wanting him to land the role more than maybe he even did.

Well, I'm excited to announce Everett will be Evan Hansen in the upcoming production.

This is a glowing, proud dad moment.

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She's Back!

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Fri, 24 Jul 2026 22:52:00 -0500

Danika was at a horse camp all week, but galloped back into our lives tonight. As expected, she made a bundle of friends, and all the leaders said she was a light of the camp. Kid always makes me proud.

What is a Friend?

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Thu, 23 Jul 2026 22:43:00 -0500

I've felt very lonely the last few years. I often feel like I connect with someone more than they may see the relationship, or get the reverse, as I don't think we can be that close. I believe some of it is the autistic struggle of understanding communication and social norms, but also I think it can be defense mechanisms. Always assuming something is at a base level so I don't get burned by caring too deeply. Pour myself into a relationship with a deep hope some meaning can be found.

I struggle often with the idea of someone potentially not liking me. I'll make even more effort to try to win them over. In reality, that is at the sacrifice of devoting true energy into those that already care. Those more worthy of my time. I aim to be kind and friendly to all, but with the limited social energy I have, it needs to be spent on those that truly matter.

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A Secret to Neurodivergent Success

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Wed, 22 Jul 2026 20:34:00 -0500

Discover what triggers hyperfocus and constantly demands space in your mind and conversations. The things that not only bring joy but activate your brain in a way that builds your confidence and elevates you to a level of expertise.

Then take some time to think about how you harness that special interest or skill in a way that can become a vital part of your life. Where it not only brings you joy and energy, but can bring value in some form to your family, friends, community, and society.

It is very likely that if you're neurodivergent, there will be those things you just struggle to do or are a constant drain on you. But there should also be those things that you can do for hours and lose all track of time and the world around you.

Figure out how that can be something that doesn't alienate you from the world but brings you closer.

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Feel Trapped

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Tue, 21 Jul 2026 14:25:00 -0500

I don't try to make excuses.

What is left undone gives me more shame and guilt than the disappointment served up by others.

I often can't express the drain, struggles, and processing of my brain without most just feeling I am trying to avoid responsibility.

I'm not. I know I need to work hard, accomplish things, and take care of tasks.

I know it deeply.

Just sometimes I can't escape the cage I am in.

But maybe I can slowly wear away at the bars.

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AI Shift

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Mon, 20 Jul 2026 20:36:00 -0500

HAL 9000. T-1000 and Skynet. Replicants. The Machines in The Matrix.

Hollywood has a long history of making AI the villain. Something we should be afraid of. Something we need to be careful and wary of. Not allow things to get out of control. Not allow them to rise up. Not to become too reliant on them.

It was all fiction.

Now, many decades later, it feels more like a warning. It feels like maybe we won't get the flying cars and time travel, but AI having the potential to take control, that seems possible. Some of the things regarding AI and robots in fiction are not only happening, but there are actual risks that governments don't appear to be taking too seriously as the AI bandwagon overflows.

So, is it a shock that in the last few years we've had a lot more movies where AI is our friend and the hero. The one we should sympathize with rather than the threat. Hollywood is trying to shift the narrative right around the time they are likely planning to use it more and more to make their own movies.

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LinkedIn Isn't Great for Freelance Writers

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sun, 19 Jul 2026 21:59:00 -0500

The best-paying long-term writing job I ever got was from a LinkedIn post. Something tells me that will likely never happen again. The LinkedIn job posting board has become a joke unless you're in premium, I assume. But if I had a good-paying job, I probably wouldn't need premium.

Now, it is mostly the same company spamming the same posting over and over for weeks or offers for AI slop that likely has a high turnover for contract work. And of course, all the 'recruiters' who reach out and promise great high-paying work but only if you pay them to fix your resume.

Sigh, LinkedIn, prove me wrong.

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Not Good

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sat, 18 Jul 2026 22:22:00 -0500

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life.

My career and relationships aren't what I'd call healthy.

But also feel my attempts to ask for support with my neurodivergence get answered with neurotypical solutions.

I feel I am shouting into the abyss while constantly scrambling to just get through each day.

But each day isn't enough.

I feel shame.

I feel anger.

While I am being told to do better.

To step up.

Right now, I'm facing some really life-changing circumstances if I don't do something quick.

Wish I knew what that was.

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Neurodivergent Reality

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Fri, 17 Jul 2026 12:53:00 -0500

Our definition of stress: hurt, confused, overwhelmed, loud, uncomfortable, challenging, and various other words deeply connected to internalized feelings and processes will always be brought into existence through our own experience. So, a neurotypical person whose processing and experiences are very different from a neurodivergent person can never really truly understand a challenge even when it is implicitly explained.

This also means no one person can ever truly know the internalized experience of the other.

This is why empathy matters.

This happens through being willing to listen and engage with the goal of at least gaining a level of understanding, or at least being willing to accept that the experience of another is different than our own.

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Not a Hot Take But Want to Say It Anyway

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Thu, 16 Jul 2026 12:47:00 -0500

I am sure I'll burn a bridge here, but Valnet-owned websites are bad for the future of pop culture writers. The pay is way below minimum wage if you consider the amount of time that has to go into a piece. There is the writing, which, if you want something that is researched, thoughtful, and entertaining, takes some time. But from my experience, most of the sites also expect you to find photos, format them to meet their requirements, add several links, and set up many of the widgets and formatting. Then the editors tend to be quite particular and precise in how they want a piece written, which almost always means some slight tweaks or rewrites in a best-case scenario. It almost always means you're getting way below minimum wage when it is all over.

Also, it does not encourage creativity and a unique voice. They have a very specific style they align to, and do not encourage even slight deviations. It is also essentially click-bait factories, which means they are very limited in what they want covered, and they hope desperately your personality is kept to a minimum.

It not only means it blocks many pop culture writers from making a living, but it makes the form very derivative and generic. It feels like something tailor-made to sites that will soon be entirely composed by AI. I wouldn't be surprised if half the articles are already done this way to save a buck or two.

There are still some wonderful independent pop culture voices out there, but Valnet's far-reach is not a positive for that form of writing or even the entire industry.

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Money Talk

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Wed, 15 Jul 2026 22:36:00 -0500

I know I've written this a lot lately, but I am not in a good place. I feel work is right around the corner, but it seems to be a path to an Australia-length route. I am grateful for my audience, but any monetization efforts at the moment are either stifled or don't have a large enough audience to rely on.

If you've ever considered throwing a bit of money my way as a thank you for the years of work or want to ensure I can continue, now is the time that I'd be ridiculously grateful. You could even do it in the form of a subscription for my newsletter or just make it a very kind Ko-Fi donation.

I've got about 5k debt on top of a 150k balance owing on a shared line of credit. Plus I just don't have the funds for much-needed things like shoes, underwear, phone plan, photo ID, and man, I won't go on. Any little bit makes life a bit easier. And right now, the finances have put relationships in a very frail state, and something to support would be a huge turnaround.

If you don't want to give money as the form of thanks for past work, you can also hire me to write creative and audience-engaging copy for your business in the form of either marketing copy or ghostwritten posts. I can also happily write if you are an editor of a pop culture site, or even write you a short story that is crafted just for you. Or you can pay $ 150.00 to request me to review any movie you want.

I am not expecting a response, but like I've said, I am desperate, and work even as I get it tends to take a while to actually get paid.

As always, you're the best.

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Short but Good, But Also Gone

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Tue, 14 Jul 2026 13:22:00 -0500

I didn't think I was good enough.

It didn't matter; they were going to give me the opportunity to write a blog post and several social media pieces. I went in with little confidence, but came out with the offer for more work.

It was the most money I have been making in a very long time. Years. It felt good, even if the entire time I was waiting for the next cruel twist to unfold.

I was in a bad headspace. Unaware I was neurodivergent, and beyond running on fumes. Terrified to fail, but maybe even more scared to succeed. Do I deserve success? How long can I keep up this pace?

A rather traumatic event- no, scratch that, a few rather emotionally shaking events that I feel are worth deeming as trauma hit in succession. My bad place molded into toxic and unhealthy, and I missed deadlines.

I was told it was okay. They seemed lenient on when something was due. They seemed concerned for my own health. They loved my work, and that seemed to be enough.

It wasn't. I misread the situation. I believed too much in the words. I didn't recognize the swinging scythe cutting towards my throat if I dared pass a deadline with incomplete work.

I was never let go. It was never made clear that they were upset with me and that it was time to move on. They just accepted my last assignment and stopped giving me any more.

Then I was removed from their company boards and apps. They kept saying they were fine and had things covered when I asked about more work.

It was gone. Just like that.

My last very good-paying gig.

What would the state of things be like if I still had it now?

Would my debt be paid off? Would it have led to work with other clients? Would it have repaired relationships?

No way of knowing.

I just know that I desperately hope for a chance like this again, and this time do it right.

This time I know I am good enough, but I just need the right strategies and schedule to allow my brina to excel.

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Holy Aging, Batgirl! Look Who is Now a Camp Leader

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Mon, 13 Jul 2026 11:08:00 -0500

This is Everett's first time at camp. All the way back in 2016. Now, we fast-forward to 2026, where ten years later, this little guy is slightly bigger and now, is a leader at a theatre camp. Times do keep moving on indeed.

Reflecting on the Awful Paying But Steady Pop Culture Gig of the Past

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sun, 12 Jul 2026 21:49:00 -0500

In 2014, I sent an email that ended an over two-year working relationship with a pop culture site that had a rather significant audience, but I don't think the average person would light up if I mentioned I had written a significant number of articles and TV show reviews for them.

My decision to stop working for them was mostly financial. I think reviews were around $20.00 USD per piece, or it might have even been $10.00. If I did slideshows, there was an increase of maybe $30.00 USD. The simple fact was that in order to create something the editor approved and was of good quality, it always meant devoting more time than what would have made any kind of economic sense.

Also, there was a new head editor who took over a few months before I decided to end things, who increased the level of expectations and workload for each piece but didn't make any effort to allow the pay to follow along. Pay that was already not going to get me out of poverty if I spent entire days working for them rather than much more lucrative work. It was always destined to be a very small side gig, but my impression was she was expecting far more dedication than that.

So, I sent an email declaring I was done effective immediately, which included one or two shows I was still reviewing.

I had a few other ongoing clients at the time, and was picking up one off work at a pretty frequent rate at the time. I also had a part-time gig at an office to supplement my dreams of growing as a professional writer. I didn't even second-guess letting the gig go.

Now, I sometimes wonder. It wouldn't have lasted forever because the site, to my knowledge, has gone under for several years now. And if it does still exist, it is under new ownership, and I don't think it really makes the kind of money it was making over a decade ago.

My career kind of unravelled within a year after quitting. The secure work I had all evaporated as the other clients ended up shutting down their sites or going out of business or deciding they no longer needed a copywriter. I started suffering from depression and what I now know as autistic burnout for the next several years.

The idea I had was writing pop culture for peanuts was stupid when I could write on my own site and control my audience, and eventually monetize things. Yet, over a decade later, I never really achieved that. One podcast has been posted this year. My newsletter has had one issue in 2026, and it had nothing to do with pop culture. My site has had posts, but mostly just filler stuff and definitely no reviews or really insightful pop culture writings.

Sometimes I ponder if I did keep those lower-paying gigs, that I'd at least have built up an audience or reputation better than I have been able to do with my own site. Or at least the very insignificant money was still more than the imaginary maybe one day I can monetize money that mocks me.

Of course, none of it really matters now. The site I wrote for is gone. My creative projects are in the state they are in. My only consistent client isn't really all that consistent since the work they offer is not even weekly, and the pay is only slightly better than what I had in 2014 without the bigger clients to justify it as a side gig. Now, it is how I keep the lights on until I can snag much more profitable clients. Sometimes I wonder if that is all fantasy, with the current state of things feeling like forever.

I can't live in the past; I can't beat myself up over the present. I can only decide where I want to go next. And prove that the 2014 dreamer was right that I had the skills and creativity to find an audience that loves my work and maybe even is willing to pay for it.

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Will I Look at Today as the Moment I Turned It Around?

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sat, 11 Jul 2026 15:13:00 -0500

I keep mentioning being trapped in the erratic spin cycle of making sure I catch up on missed dates and create the illusion that the articles are posted daily. This obsession has created a lie that this is my most important task, and it is the magic wand that will make my career successful and my creative projects attract a mass audience. All it does is drain me and keep me away from the work that I must do.

Right now, I'm declaring that it doesn't matter if I post daily.

It doesn't matter if I disappear for a day after this post.

It matters that I create.

It matters that my work has value.

It matters that my best work is actually seen.

That matters.

Not some odd task I've allowed to mutate over the past decade.

That was only ever for an audience of one.

I want something much larger.

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Attention All Millionaires

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Fri, 10 Jul 2026 12:25:00 -0500

I see a lot of "DM if you want $200 000.00 instantly" on social media. I'd take a few thousand tops. Maybe be greedy with $50, 000.00. I am also well aware they're likely all scams. Things like that are rare.

But if you happen to stumble across this site and you have a few thousand to offload, I could use it. I'd be more than happy to write copy for your business or write a personalized story or a movie review, or create something of deep and personal value. I create. When I am doing well, I create really well.

I will continue to create. Even if times are tough.

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Broken Phone

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Thu, 9 Jul 2026 22:45:00 -0500

It looks like my phone has become borderline useless. I haven't been able to afford a phone plan for over two years now, so it doesn't seem like a big deal. It was the way I showed movie tickets, because I don't believe they allow printed copies. It looks like I'll find out soon if that is true.

I don't want to be all 'wo is me,' but I really could have lived without a new phone as the latest thing I can't afford, along with a computer, shoes, photo ID, clothes without holes, and coffee beans.

It all just feels more like burial than motivation at this point. Pitches go unanswered. Former clients ghost me. Life feels like a constant spiral. Left constantly shocked that we are near the end of the week, wondering if I started anything.

But a win has to be real close, right?

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Am I Burning Out More or Just More Aware

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Wed, 8 Jul 2026 21:53:00 -0500

We had a difficult interaction today. Someone wanted to confirm we were available for specific dates, and when we weren't, there was some pretty harsh pushback. It was a scenario where I strongly believe we were in the right, but the energy expended and the time analyzing their responses and deciphering if we did go about it properly just exhausted me; I couldn't function much more for the rest of the day. This is during a time I'm constantly thinking about work, have several social gatherings marching their way into my life, and dealing with various financial stresses.

It has made me ponder whether I'm draining much quicker than in the past or just becoming more aware when I'm dysregulated, energy saps, and recognizing my state is coming from how my AuDHD brain is impacted by the senses and realities of the neurotypical world.

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Moment of Deep Weakness

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Tue, 7 Jul 2026 22:41:00 -0500

The hard truth is that I am way behind on audience, connections, published works, and finances than I should be as someone who has been freelancing since 2010 and has had a web presence all the way back in 2004.

I can only blame myself, even if I realize many of the challenges of growing my career came from being undiagnosed AuDHD, and more to the point, the burnout and depression that came from working against rather than with my neurodivergent brain.

It is frustrating to think I am light-years away from having connections that could build a portfolio or could grow my audience. Especially during a time of my line of credit, dying computers, inefficient footwear, non-existent photo ID, and a cracked phone with no plan can't be solved on account of being in the depths of poverty.

This type of thing haunts me as a husband and father. Embarrasses me as a creator who wants to believe he has something worthy for the world.

But I am in a bad place.

Despite that, I need to push on.

Believe that glimmer of hope is just a few more steps away.

Trust my past doesn't define me now or formulate my future.

I am AuDHd, and it does come with challenges. It doesn't need to define my success or the destination of my career.

It comes from recognizing sometimes a piece will be rejected. A review will be a fart in the wind. A newsletter will be left unopened. Not everything will be an instant classic or ever be remembered. But through all that, something may connect with one person deeply, and make this all worthwhile.

I feel desperate right now. I feel the drag of desperately needing some more money than I currently have. A fear that maybe this is all I'll ever have and there isn't an audience for what I create.

I know it is just feelings. Feelings aren't reality. This too will pass.

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What I Need to Do Even if it Scares Me

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Mon, 6 Jul 2026 22:47:00 -0500

I need to speak up more.

I need to stand up for myself more.

I need to allow my thoughts and perceptions to come to the forefront more.

I need to externalize before internalize when offended or hurt.

I need to trust my instinct and opinions.

But...

I also must recognize the energy each of these things costs.

Even when I make myself clear that I may not only be misunderstood but that what I said or the response it garners will follow me.

It is how my brain works.

But advocating for myself and allowing my actions and thought process to become more widely known is crucial for my mental health and feeling seen.

I need to call out what hurts me, but be ready for the reaction and being called out just the same.

In that hope, maybe we can all start to be better.

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