Beyond the Balcony

Will I Look at Today as the Moment I Turned It Around?

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sat, 11 Jul 2026 15:13:00 -0500

I keep mentioning being trapped in the erratic spin cycle of making sure I catch up on missed dates and create the illusion that the articles are posted daily. This obsession has created a lie that this is my most important task, and it is the magic wand that will make my career successful and my creative projects attract a mass audience. All it does is drain me and keep me away from the work that I must do.

Right now, I'm declaring that it doesn't matter if I post daily.

It doesn't matter if I disappear for a day after this post.

It matters that I create.

It matters that my work has value.

It matters that my best work is actually seen.

That matters.

Not some odd task I've allowed to mutate over the past decade.

That was only ever for an audience of one.

I want something much larger.

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If my work resonates with you, then please consider supporting me either by subscribing to my Life on the Balcony newsletter, throwing a tip my way through the Support Me badge or my Ko-fi page, or considering hiring me for your business.

Attention All Millionaires

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Fri, 10 Jul 2026 12:25:00 -0500

I see a lot of "DM if you want $200 000.00 instantly" on social media. I'd take a few thousand tops. Maybe be greedy with $50, 000.00. I am also well aware they're likely all scams. Things like that are rare.

But if you happen to stumble across this site and you have a few thousand to offload, I could use it. I'd be more than happy to write copy for your business or write a personalized story or a movie review, or create something of deep and personal value. I create. When I am doing well, I create really well.

I will continue to create. Even if times are tough.

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Broken Phone

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Thu, 9 Jul 2026 22:45:00 -0500

It looks like my phone has become borderline useless. I haven't been able to afford a phone plan for over two years now, so it doesn't seem like a big deal. It was the way I showed movie tickets, because I don't believe they allow printed copies. It looks like I'll find out soon if that is true.

I don't want to be all 'wo is me,' but I really could have lived without a new phone as the latest thing I can't afford, along with a computer, shoes, photo ID, clothes without holes, and coffee beans.

It all just feels more like burial than motivation at this point. Pitches go unanswered. Former clients ghost me. Life feels like a constant spiral. Left constantly shocked that we are near the end of the week, wondering if I started anything.

But a win has to be real close, right?

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Am I Burning Out More or Just More Aware

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Wed, 8 Jul 2026 21:53:00 -0500

We had a difficult interaction today. Someone wanted to confirm we were available for specific dates, and when we weren't, there was some pretty harsh pushback. It was a scenario where I strongly believe we were in the right, but the energy expended and the time analyzing their responses and deciphering if we did go about it properly just exhausted me; I couldn't function much more for the rest of the day. This is during a time I'm constantly thinking about work, have several social gatherings marching their way into my life, and dealing with various financial stresses.

It has made me ponder whether I'm draining much quicker than in the past or just becoming more aware when I'm dysregulated, energy saps, and recognizing my state is coming from how my AuDHD brain is impacted by the senses and realities of the neurotypical world.

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Moment of Deep Weakness

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Tue, 7 Jul 2026 22:41:00 -0500

The hard truth is that I am way behind on audience, connections, published works, and finances than I should be as someone who has been freelancing since 2010 and has had a web presence all the way back in 2004.

I can only blame myself, even if I realize many of the challenges of growing my career came from being undiagnosed AuDHD, and more to the point, the burnout and depression that came from working against rather than with my neurodivergent brain.

It is frustrating to think I am light-years away from having connections that could build a portfolio or could grow my audience. Especially during a time of my line of credit, dying computers, inefficient footwear, non-existent photo ID, and a cracked phone with no plan can't be solved on account of being in the depths of poverty.

This type of thing haunts me as a husband and father. Embarrasses me as a creator who wants to believe he has something worthy for the world.

But I am in a bad place.

Despite that, I need to push on.

Believe that glimmer of hope is just a few more steps away.

Trust my past doesn't define me now or formulate my future.

I am AuDHd, and it does come with challenges. It doesn't need to define my success or the destination of my career.

It comes from recognizing sometimes a piece will be rejected. A review will be a fart in the wind. A newsletter will be left unopened. Not everything will be an instant classic or ever be remembered. But through all that, something may connect with one person deeply, and make this all worthwhile.

I feel desperate right now. I feel the drag of desperately needing some more money than I currently have. A fear that maybe this is all I'll ever have and there isn't an audience for what I create.

I know it is just feelings. Feelings aren't reality. This too will pass.

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What I Need to Do Even if it Scares Me

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Mon, 6 Jul 2026 22:47:00 -0500

I need to speak up more.

I need to stand up for myself more.

I need to allow my thoughts and perceptions to come to the forefront more.

I need to externalize before internalize when offended or hurt.

I need to trust my instinct and opinions.

But...

I also must recognize the energy each of these things costs.

Even when I make myself clear that I may not only be misunderstood but that what I said or the response it garners will follow me.

It is how my brain works.

But advocating for myself and allowing my actions and thought process to become more widely known is crucial for my mental health and feeling seen.

I need to call out what hurts me, but be ready for the reaction and being called out just the same.

In that hope, maybe we can all start to be better.

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The Summer Will Be a Success If...

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sun, 5 Jul 2026 22:07:00 -0500

My family has little doubt how much I love them.

I feel more prepared and confident that I could land a dream role.

Life on the Balcony is back to weekly, and I have a few exclusives ready for when I launch the paid tier.

Have some form of close-to-stable freelance income.

Have posted at least one review a week.

Have at least written some serialized fiction episodes.

The Movie Breakdown is close to being posted weekly.

See clear audience growth.

Have reached out to friends.

Make someone feel appreciated.

Can afford to get a new photo ID, buy a pair of shoes, and feel like I am doing my part to cut down our line of credit debt.

Book a therapy appointment for AuDHD.

Feel more comfortable being unmasked around loved ones.

End a decade-long useless but crippling habit.

Love life in whatever form that takes.

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Neurodivergent Acceptance: What I Promise to Do

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sat, 4 Jul 2026 21:26:00 -0500

It is time to normalize AuDHD and advocate for all neurodivergent individuals who have been labeled rude, lazy, weird, careless, dramatic, or "too much." One way to do that is to be intentional about how we interact with the people we encounter in life.

I am okay if you need to rock, talk to yourself, pace, or flap your arms in public to regulate.

Around me, you can repeat phrases, quote movies, or act out scenes if it makes a situation more comfortable.

I understand if you need to leave early or cancel at the last minute because you're burned out.

I'll patiently wait while you search for that word that got lost somewhere in the cluttered and overflowing cabinets of your mind.

Feel free to wear sweatpants to the formal event if that's what helps you feel comfortable and focused today.

I'm happy to listen while you rant about your special interest, and I understand that excitement may sometimes mean talking a little louder or a little faster than expected.

Ask that question to clarify what I meant or what I wanted, or if it was sarcastic. Never be afraid to ask.

There is no judgment if the thing you mastered yesterday suddenly feels impossible today. Executive dysfunction does not care how capable you are.

I accept that memorizing every fact about My Little Pony is not the same as remembering how to tie your shoes, answer an email, or spell "knife." Skills can be wonderfully and frustratingly spiky.

Feel free to be the life of the party one moment and a zombie the next if that's what you need. I won't take it personally.

Please tell me if I said something that upset you. I know you're not being "too sensitive."

If our conversation about geopolitics suddenly jumps to the history of Pop-Tarts, I get it.

If you're frozen, overwhelmed, and completely lost, take your time. I'm here.

I accept these things because I understand they are not character flaws. They are not signs that someone is lazy, rude, careless, dramatic, or difficult. They are often the ways neurodivergent people navigate a world that was not designed with their brains in mind.

And perhaps the more we understand that, the more room we can make for people to be themselves instead of expecting them to become someone else.

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Well, That Was a Day!

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Fri, 3 Jul 2026 22:16:00 -0500

The laptop has had to do a lot of stretching and staggering after being left on the shelf for three years. Spent the whole day trying to ensure programs were on this computer, linking to my cloud, and getting my services activated on a new device.

Also had about 6 meltdowns sprinkled throughout the day as I was on edge and handled everything horribly. Good thing this laptop doesn't appear to have feelings.

This is definitely a short-term fix. This machine is hovering around dinosaur territory, much like my now dead monitor.

Man, do I ever need to land some work or build an audience quick so I can buy more than a shiny jelly bean or a transit ticket.

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When It Rains, It Fries My Computer

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Thu, 2 Jul 2026 22:43:00 -0500

We had a pretty hellacious thunderstorm yesterday that knocked out the power for almost an entire day in homes near us and caused the Brantford Canada Day celebration to be cancelled due to vendor tents being destroyed and pavilions being flooded.

We got out of the storm relatively unscathed except for three power outages that lasted combined about a minute. Easy peasy. Time to move on.

Except today there was an unfriendly plot twist where our power went out for several hours. Very annoying. Very unproductive. But we can still keep on marching once the power was restored.

Right?

Right?!?

Only if, in this case, productive means spending hours trying to get my monitor to turn on, find various ways to fix the issue, and eventually learning that the power outage was likely the final death blow to the 20-year-old beast.

Of course, this is coming during a time I can't afford shoes, lost ads on this site because I can't afford paying for ID, had promised work pulled from me without an explanation, and essentially, in a constant state of desperation.

So, a dead monitor isn't exactly an easy fix at the moment. Just another thing to be stressed about, and feel like the universe enjoys seeing me fret.

But it did force me to see if my old laptop, which had clunked out because it couldn't charge, might still have a little fight left in it after being on the bench for 3 years.

The answer is yes, it does, but it also has all the speed and power of a drunken snail. But it is better than trying to get work done for a client via pigeon.

We will see how the next few days go for productivity and actually getting reviews, newsletters, and podcasts created.

If you just so happen to be wondering if you could show your appreciation for my decade-plus of work and articles, then now it great time to do it in monetary form if you feel moved and have the means.

Things can only get better.

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Happy Canada Day!

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Wed, 1 Jul 2026 08:22:00 -0500

Our country isn't perfect, but neither are any of us. The key is to focus on the good, strive to be better, and never forget to be empathetic.

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'Frozen' Has Thawed, But the Memories will Remain

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Tue, 30 Jun 2026 22:08:00 -0500

Officially exiting 'Weaseltown'.

Duke of Weselton was my most-performed role with an ambitious 12-show run of Frozen. It was a very special one; sharing the stage with my amazing little princess, Danika. We watched and acted out Frozen many times when she was young, and so it was such a joy seeing her shine on stage and have so much fun with this musical.

Weselton was the type of role I adore, where I'm allowed to be goofy, and I was given a lot of freedom to ham it up and play him very big and campy. I was also trusted to play a few subtle moments and hint at what would be a little redemptive moment at the end. I'm grateful my take on Weselton was such a huge hit with audiences. I was humbled by the end-of-show responses on my bows, and the laughs I was able to garner throughout the show. I was touched by how many people told me this smaller supporting role turned out to be a favourite for many audiences and kids. This always shocks me, but I'm grateful I can connect with audiences and bring them joy.

This was also a show that really put my ego in check. I was put in my place, clearly shown my job for this production, and how I was perceived by others. This was a team effort, and I am so thankful for the talented directors, cast, crew, designers, and volunteers that made this a production that was such a massive hit with audiences in Fergus and Kitchener. I want to send out a Mount Everest-sized thank-you to everyone who came out to see us, too.

Everyone in this show deserves to be proud of their incredible effort and amazing work, from performing and set and prop creations to wizardry in the tech and backstage realms. I wanted to do a few quick shout-outs to specific people (and would love to acknowledge everyone, but then this would be skipped for being TLDR).

It has been a crazy and wild few months for Malakai Darien Fox and Marissa Kate Wilson, but despite that, they poured their all into directing and supporting this cast and crew. This production has some very unique and fun takes on this beloved story and musical, and that is due to its direction. I also learned so much from the natural charisma and stage presence Kai displayed as Kristoff, and it was such a joy playing off Marissa as her Elsa had to stomach my sleazy Weselton.

If you came to see the shows, you know Grace Course is a powerhouse performer, and she is one of the most talented people I've ever had the honour and gift to perform with. But what amazed me was that despite her amazing skills and stage presence, she was always so humble, willing to encourage others, make the backstage feel like a family, and is a truly remarkable human being. It was such a joy to get to know her; I really hope to share the stage with her again, and I'll never forget how kind she was to me and Danika.

It was wonderful to perform again with Andy Dominick, Lex Green, and Robert Scott. Andy has become someone I would call a true friend, and it was such a pleasure to get to do most of my scenes with him. He is so easy to play off, and my character would not have gotten the reactions it did if it wasn't for the great timing and facial expressions of Andy to work off. Plus, the great sets existed because of the gift and skills of this multi-talented phenom.

I've said it before, but again I want to say Rob is a major reason I stuck with theatre when I first felt so out of my element and that I didn't belong back in 2023. He is such a kind and encouraging person, but also his Oaken was an easy highlight of every show.

It was such a delight to see Lex grow as a performer and create a definitive Olaf. He was a crowd pleaser every night and afternoon, and has become such a gifted performer.

It was also a joy to meet young performers like Hayley Brown and Elizabeth Yeomans who are so gifted, but also were such kind and thoughtful people. The future of theatre is great with young people like this.

I must acknowledge Sarah Palermo, who every single night was such fun to do the tango with, and she was such a huge part in making sure that scene got a great response every single time. As well, she is such a sweet and empathetic person. When I was having a very rough show for outside reasons, I'll never forget the very generous and warm hug she gave me to help lift my spirits.

I am also grateful for meeting Diem Morriswala and their incredible wisdom and thoughtfulness that led to many nourishing backstage chats. I loved how a very small interaction on the stage grew into something very fun.

I'll end this by thanking Lars the Lackey, or more specifically, Andrew Moran, who is one of the friendliest and most joyful people I've met, and it was a lot of fun acting off each other. Once again, he was crucial in helping my character get laughs, and he is an incredible talent.

But the whole cast and crew were great. Please know that. This was a memorable experience, and definitely one I learned a lot from.

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Hot in Wonderland

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Mon, 29 Jun 2026 22:55:00 -0500

This photo is about halfway through our 2 and a half-hour wait to get on AlpienFury. It was a hot one. We were obviously not comfortable. But it was an amazing day at Canada's Wonderland, and I finally got to ride a few coasters that had eluded me until today.

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Secret Energy Drains

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sun, 28 Jun 2026 22:44:00 -0500

Feeling the mood of the room.

Unable to have a chance to just process and sort through 50-plus thoughts and tasks.

Consistent interruptions.

The lack of transitions, or an unexpected event pops up.

Working through the emotions of a major project ending.

Sorting through comments and analyzing social interactions.

Trying to work through ambiguous comments from paying clients.

Struggling to balance time for responsibilities and working on creative projects or special interests.

I sit here right now with a foggy and putty-like brain. I've expereince each of the above things in the last few hours. Each of these takes a major toll on many who are neurodivergent. I feel, after all that I've raced through in the past several days, that the next few days may be more recovery focused than creative.

That is okay.

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The Romantic Comedy '3' Reminds How Important Chemistry is for the Genre

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sat, 27 Jun 2026 09:30:28 -0500

Most romantic comedies tend to have a cutesy premise to stand out from the just guy meets girl and falls in love route. The indy picture 3 has a pretty clever one. Kai is told by a potentially drunk prophet that his life will end in 3 days, and while that isn't usually a thing you take to heart from a guy on a barstool, he also got 3 predictions right.

So, we have our high-concept, but the key to a good romance is caring about the lead. Stars Caleb Ruminer and Anna Grace Barlow have a natural and likable connection. They feel down-to-earth, and they are enjoyable together. That means a lot even if the movie itself can be rather formulaic and telegraphs its big moments.

But I was charmed. You can read my full review over at the Video Librarian.

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Actually, Friday

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Fri, 26 Jun 2026 15:25:08 -0500

I am posting this on the actual day it will claim to have been posted.

Yes, I've continued to backdate posts to create the illusion of a daily streak.

Yes, no one cared.

Yes, my brain is fried, and this routine is more draining than beneficial.

Yes, I'm still secretly obsessed with fresh starts and relaunches.

Yes, my brain insists I can't move forward until I've caught up and completed the purification ritual I've convinced myself is required to become a successful writer.

Yes, it is ridiculous.

Yes, I'm aware almost all of you are currently screaming, "Wait, what?"

But maybe this time, I've broken the cycle.

Maybe this is my permission to just let my freak flag fly. Write messy. Oddly. Creatively. Don't try to be someone else's version of a great writer. Just me.

Sometimes that means a brain overheated and thoughts scattered across the globe. Something I don't love, but post anyway.

Stop being so sacred and precious about the fiction series or review series. They won't meet my expectations. It is impossible to meet the expectations of an all-or-nothing brain.

And the streak. Pointless.

I have two shows this weekend and assignments due for clients. If nothing shows up here this weekend, I don't think the world will implode.

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Annoying Things My Brain Thinks. . .

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Thu, 25 Jun 2026 14:48:00 -0500

I need a ritual to convince myself that I am now ready for success.

If I am reviewing movies, then I should review everything I watch.

I need a declaration for when I've relaunched rather than just working where I am.

If someone doesn't gush about me, then they probably hate me.

All or nothing.

It is my job to earn respect and love from others, not the other way around.

If something went wrong, it must have been my fault.

If I don't do something in an exact way or it doesn't fit my vision, then it is a failure and I must start over.

Interruptions are an assault.

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Hardest Part is the Pitch

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Wed, 24 Jun 2026 19:37:00 -0500

I can come up with a lot of ideas for things to write about. A lot of stories and articles that I get excited about, and believe are insightful and entertaining. But what I appear to not be very good at is pitching ideas that seem to appeal to editors of mainstream sites and magazines. I think my stuff seems to be too niche ot not sellable to a broad audience.

But I think my stuff could be popular. It just happens that my super skill isn't convincing many editors of that.

My plans for the pieces that aren't too time sensitive, that if three editors pass, then I'll bring the article either to this site or the newsletter. It may mean I don't immediately make money off it, but it means I do get to write it. If it is as good as I hope, then it may draw an actual audience and potentially turn this little venture into a significant part of my income.

Or I'll just prove the editors right.

If I am right, then I won't have to worry about pitching too often.

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Habits Die Hard

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Tue, 23 Jun 2026 19:16:00 -0500

I didn't end it.

Loop continues.

The habit remains.

I see it as a minor thing.

Yet it drains.

It claims.

It takes all that I hold dear.

It was only going to be a week.

Maybe a month.

Somehow, now it has been my life.

It has been my shame.

Everyone wonders how I can't be more successful.

How I can't even afford shoes.

Yet it loops.

Yet it lives.

Yet here it is.

But I can stop.

I just won't.

But the exit has always been there.

Spiral has always had a jumping-off point.

I just have to choose.

I just have to push away the voices.

Reimagine the instinct.

Believe I really do have something to say.

Habit isn't the end game.

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Target: July

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Mon, 22 Jun 2026 20:17:00 -0500

Yesterday's post seemed a bit mid-conversation. It is partly due to my brain being encompassed by a milky fog that may be housing a gremlin that gnaws away at any coherent thought I may have.

I'm feeling burned out. I'm feeling that only a few spoons are available in my energy drawer each morning. A recent influx of drama and some shocking medical emergencies have stolen even more from my very limited current supply.

At this point, I need to declare that being able to perform every weekend and getting a few assignments for clients done on time are the major wins. With time and a scatter of successes, I'll start building back up the pop culture aspect of this site, along with having at least weekly newsletters and a podcast.

I'm not expecting to be a victory machine come July. It does give me a few days to get clients' work done, work away on some exclusive paid tier stories, and start hitting a routine.

But routine isn't perfection. July isn't a glorious relaunch. It is just a soft target. With the knowledge that weeks where I struggle, or when energy is sapped, or workload becomes too much, are just a part of my life. I'm allowed to give myself some forgiveness.

But my hope is to get an inch or so closer to my grand plans in July, with the knowledge that even if it is not close to a relaunch, any little bit counts.

What does this mean exactly? I'm focusing on July to be where I really get the site, newsletter, and podcast moving. I'm giving myself a few days to prepare and take it easy.

But in the end, I also just need to be willing to take chances. Create and write even when I'm not at full force. Just allow it to be a little smaller, less ambitious, and maybe just a tad messy.

I've never been the perfect writer, yet I have readers and made money in this craft. So, the adventure will continue.

Thank you for coming along.

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Not Where I Want, But Still Moving

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sun, 21 Jun 2026 22:12:00 -0500

I think I'll officially hold off on switching on the paid tier for Life on the Balcony until I at least have one exclusive piece in the can, but preferably, I'd have started on the serialized fiction with an obvious direction.

Now, it is time to build back up the pop culture part of this site with reviews, The Movie Breakdown podcast, and various pop culture analysis.

And also just be as gentle as possible with myself by realizing that none of these projects are going to be enough to make a living on yet, so I also have to continue writing and, in my current state, more often pitching to editors and clients.

If you need some work done from a talented writer, it would mean a lot if you'd reach out.

Or if you just want to show your appreciation for years of work and entertainment, now is a great time to consider tossing a few dollars my way.

My brain is a mix of excitement to take on new projects and build back up my passion projects, but also feeling completely drained and pureed into soup.

I'm grateful for the years of support, kind words, and readership.

We'll see what type of adventure this summer will be as I have many great things to create, but also... you know... everyone is home with a hefty bag of chaos.

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Disability Can't Limit the Arts in 'Concerto for Other Hands'; My Latest Video Librarian Review

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sat, 20 Jun 2026 06:43:00 -0500

A disability is often seen as an obstacle to doing something. David González Ladron de Guevara was born with a rare genetic condition known as Miller Syndrome, which affects the development of limbs, hands, face, and hearing. It appears his dream of following his father's path of being a concert pianist is impossible. The documentary Concerto for Other Hands shows how one may need to take a different approach, or create their own unique strategies, but with passion, one is not limited in what they can accomplish.

I reviewed this documentary about David and his family over at the Video Librarian.

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The Kinder Way to Solve Problems

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Fri, 19 Jun 2026 12:14:00 -0500

I had a conversation recently that rattled me. It has haunted me ever since and refuses to leave my mind because of how deeply it affected me. Maybe even more because I feel so helpless to do anything about it.

I'm going to be annoyingly vague because I don't think I'm in the right place to share the details.

Simply put, every person I've ever met has made mistakes. Every person I've ever met has hurt someone, sometimes badly. I admit that I tend to look for the good in people and assume that most genuinely have the best of intentions. But recently, I've witnessed a situation involving a group of people who seem intent on hurting and destroying certain individuals.

I don't know the whole story, and I don't feel it's my right or place to know every detail. I'll even concede that the people being targeted may have made mistakes or hurt others themselves. What I do know is that nobody deserves to be publicly humiliated, shamed, attacked, or have their livelihood threatened. Nobody deserves to lose something they are passionate about because their reputation has been destroyed by rumors, misinformation, or allegations that spread far beyond the facts.

One of the most poisonous aspects of social media is the lack of accountability and how quickly unverified claims can spread. The damage can be enormous, even when the truth is far more complicated. If the goal is to improve situations, encourage growth, or create positive change, then devoting a social media platform to tear down a company and individuals feels terribly misguided.

Conversations and dialogue can be difficult. Confronting someone can be uncomfortable. Sometimes it can even trigger a meltdown or illness, depending on your wiring. But if we want people to learn and grow, we need to reach out to them. We have to give people the opportunity to explain their side, take responsibility where appropriate, and give them the chance to grow and improve.

I wish I could do more than write a post. What I can do is try my hardest to live a life rooted in compassion, kindness, and empathy. I can try to model those values for my children and hope they grow up believing that understanding people is more important than tearing them down.

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Feeling Stuck

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Thu, 18 Jun 2026 11:14:00 -0500

I should have figured out several decades ago that I had ADHd considerig how quickly my small idea morphs into humongous tentacled monsters obsessed with devouring all in its path.

I should have been more aware of the potential that I was autistic, considering how I obsessed with having an exact ritual before I could consider what I was doing as real work.

Instead, I beat myself up. I felt I was failing.

If there is one thing I've learned in the last few years, it is the necessity for self-compassion.

How shame and negativity never work as a productive and enduring motivator.

I say all this while I admit I'm still struggling with implementing this lesson. And I'm overwhelmed with frustration on how much I feel like I've derailed my career or failed to deliver on my creative projects.

But then that is exactly not practicing self-compassion. Or recognizing that yes, tomorrow and even the next day, and even the day after that, is another day.

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Missing Spoons

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Wed, 17 Jun 2026 09:18:00 -0500

There are many times when someone who is AuDHD or another form of neurodivergent can excel at work, in social settings, through creative projects, or at home, but usually not all at once. Mastering one thing means struggling somewhere else.

This connects to the idea of Spoon Theory, which suggests that neurodivergent people only have so many "spoons" (or units of energy) available each day for tasks and responsibilities. Part of the challenge is that neurodivergent brains are not always great at filtering information. Every task can involve managing background noise, textures, temperature changes, the discomfort of going from dry to wet, or simply trying to process 57 thoughts while also remembering the steps of the task at hand. Add emotional dysregulation, rejection sensitivity, and the frequent challenge of not fully understanding why you're feeling a certain way until after the fact, and it can be a lot.

As a result, some days those spoons get used up very quickly. Other days, depending on how the week has gone, it can feel like the cupboard is already bare before the day even begins.

I've been thinking about this a lot since Sunday. I started the day exhausted after learning the day before that Emily had been admitted to the hospital with unexplained heart issues. I then had to perform a featured role, manage some ongoing work concerns, and prepare to be the sole parent for a short while.

I'm grateful that everyone I spoke to afterward said I performed well and showed no signs of everything I was carrying. But by the second act, my brain was completely foggy. My head was pounding. My body was tense and aching. Honestly, I draw a complete blank on much of what happened during that second act. Somehow, though, I hit my cues, did what I needed to do, and kept moving forward.

When I got home, I crashed hard. I'm grateful my kids are awesome, responsible humans, and together we got through the night. Even now, a few days later, I'm still dragging a bit and feel like the spoons are only slowly making their way back into the drawer.

This is one of those times when I need to give myself some grace and self-compassion. This isn't a character flaw. It's simply part of how my brain and body are wired. I got things done, but it was in a very limited, zombie-like mode.

I'm incredibly grateful to have so many understanding and wonderful people in my life. I hope sharing this experience helps someone else be a little gentler with themselves and celebrate what they were able to accomplish, rather than focusing solely on what they couldn't.

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