Beyond the Balcony

Late Bloomer

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Tue, 15 Sep 2026 15:12:24 -0500

I'm 50 next year.

At the end of next year, because I haven't even started living life as a 49-year-old yet.

I don't feel close to 50. Maybe the sore muscles, nausea, stress tests, and increased medical appointments remind me of my older age. But my mindset still feels like I'm in my 30s. I still feel like I'm figuring out life or not fitting into what a 50-year-old is supposed to be.

It also comes from not having the finances to support my family or even utter any kind of words like 'financial freedom, ' or how rarely I think about things like investments or feel like I am in charge of my own house.

Though let's say I did have a steady stream of clients. I was making several thousand dollars a month on my site, podcast, and newsletter. In this scenario, I could be what is considered a success as a freelance writer and be firmly established in certain niches and arenas. In this case, maybe I'd feel more control of the household because I'd be contributing in a significant way and not feel like I'm scrambling to afford some milk.

I still doubt I'd actually feel like I was 50. I doubt I'd still feel like I had true control. I still doubt I'd believe I fit what was supposed to be 50.

Because AuDHD and neurodivergence mean I'd always feel a little bit different. I'd think of ways from a different perspective. I'd have interests that would consume me in ways most would roll their eyes. The label of immaturity I feel often is a cruel way to name someone who is neurodivergent.

But that is not justification for failing to create things for my audience or making the necessary income to support my family. Not when I truly believe I have something to offer.

It is a reminder that the typical way to kickstart that career again, and contribute to the world, is going to be different than what is deemed normal.

That is okay.

It is okay that I'm trying to restart a career at just a year and two months from being 50. There is nothing wrong with being a late bloomer. Not every path needs to be the same. That is boring.

The goal should be to keep on being willing to travel and become something better.

Even if it takes a little longer than expected.

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Spinning Wheel of Doom

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Mon, 14 Sep 2026 13:33:03 -0500

My life is kind of stuck in the loading phase. Much like when I try to do anything on my over-a-decade-old laptop, which I'm pretty sure is even older than my 14-year-old son. When I am especially down on myself, I'd argue this stuck-in-transition has been going on that long too.

But that is probably more to do with my all-or-nothing neurodivergent mindset that can accept I've had accomplishments, but I can't be considered a success until I've checked off every box on an arbitrary list I've concocted.

Currently, my income is minimal, and my lined-up work is less visible than a germ. Most days my body seems to be revolting in some form, which maybe have something to do with the germs I can't see combined with the invisble paid work.

I'm frustrated because I had convinced myself that an autism and ADHD diagnosis along with medication would suddenly turn me into a success cyborg that hunts down tasks and goals with efficiency and an iron will. Instead, I feel like I'm Wile E. Coyote, constantly falling off cliffs and blowing myself up in the name of catching my feathered ambitions.

I realized that my Concerta likely has given me far more focus, but the problem is things like awful sleep, executive dysfunction, perfectionism, and hyper-focusing on the wrong things have been what has curtailed me. I need to use my new sense of less mental clutter on actual tasks that need to be done, and also actually figuring out exactly what those are supposed to be.

I feel stuck. But I also know just banging the same pots and pans and expecting a new sound just causes the neighbours to call the noise police on you. I'd rather find my way to Carnegie Hall.

Not really. But like the metaphorical Carnegie Hall equivalent for a freelance creator and family man who desperately needs to make some money and get out of this funk.

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Not Hype But Things I'd Like to Do...

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sun, 13 Sep 2026 15:01:06 -0500

My Achilles' heel as a creator is my obsession to hype up my plans and work that are not yet started, but I'm heavily excited about. Then, a decade later, I have nothing to show for it. I become overcome with shame over not following through, or I get so overwhelmed with living up to my promotion.

So no hype. Just a vague collection of things I'd like to do. Maybe I'll even get them done if I let the pressure ease.

A review series delving into a pop culture-changing franchise with historical exploration and analysis of its impact.

Fiction.

PDF or ebook collection of essays for sale.

Blending my personal expereince as an AudHd creator and dad blended into reviews and analysis of movies and entertainment.

Using my hyperfocus and obsessive traits to create original, entertaining, and creative works of value.

Aim for daily site posts and weekly podcasts and newsletters, but now allowing the world to explode when that isn't successful or arrives later than planned.

Dabble in video or podcast with different subjects.

Find a very healthy balance of landing client work, creating my own projects, and being an excellent father, husband, and person.

Try different forms of reviewing.

Use reviews as ways to comment on society, mental health, and the creative process.

News release reviews.

Take chances. Don't be afraid to be weird. Be 100% me.

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Bringing the Classic Spirit of Christmas to the Stage

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sat, 12 Sep 2026 14:47:44 -0500

I'm excited to finally announce my latest performance. I'll be playing Bob Cratchit in Cambridge Community Players' production of A Christmas Carol. The director is Scott Mountain, who directed The Music Man, which I performed in along with my family. Even though this is a new company for me, there are some significant familiar faces.

I'm excited to be cast in this classic,c and if you're in the Cambridge area at the end of November or start of December, I'd love for you to come out and see the show!

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Kaleidoscope of Ideas

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Wed, 9 Sep 2026 13:40:09 -0500

An idea flutters in.

They light everything up. They shine. Glisten. Glow. Magnify. Wow.

Inspiration and thrill fill up every crevice. Obsession rules. The idea is everything.

Then it flutters away. Another soon to take its place.

Some will be grasped. They become more.

Most are just seconds of euphoria and what could have been.

Allow the ideas to live. Not kill. Not detest.

Just do what they do.

Sometimes it allows disappointment or failed promises to creep in. But for fleeting moments, there is always wonder.

For those you do snatch. For those that grow into something real. The wonder in some form will always live on.

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Blow It All Up

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sun, 6 Sep 2026 13:12:29 -0500

I realize that almost no one is holding me to the promised or promoted work. I've ripped my confidence to shreds over not being able to activate them, or fear I've damaged my reputation. The reality is most of my audience is just waiting for anyting to be posted. Something of value. It doesn't have to be part of a promised series or fit a specific structure. It just needs to be out in the world so they can engage with it.

My commitment is that this site will remain.

New issues of the Life on the Balcony will arrive.

The Movie Breakdown will continue.

Everything else is up for grabs.

Though I recognize having a set date for the podcast and the newsletter is helpful. amd I currently plan to stick with the ones I've designated. I also realize it is better to adjust things to work with my schedule nd energy level, and what I can manage with client work, rather than beat myself up on missing an arbitrary date. Especially when it hasn't followed that established date for several years now.

Right now, it is just about getting stuff out there and allowing the set dates to arrive when it makes sense.

I need to think about paid tier pieces in order to monetize the newsletter. But I won't freak out over a fictionalized series or reviews on the MCU and Disney animated series. I'll create what works, and when time frees itself, I'll start working on the pieces I feel work behind a paywall.

Same with any magical plans I have for a Patreon.

Right now, I'm less worried about sticking to promised plans, since no one has called me out on that. Instead, for myself, I'm just going to commit to getting high-quality and entertaining pieces created for Beyond the Balcony, Life on the Balcony, and The Movie Breakdown.

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Things I Aim for in September

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sat, 5 Sep 2026 16:06:37 -0500

Recapture the joy of creation.

See if all these page views are connected to real people ready to engage with high-quality work.

Bring back The Movie Breakdown and Life on the Balcony, but be okay if I miss a week or it isn't posted on the planned day.

Begin the process of creating either work I can sell or that can be part of a paid tier.

Don't let shame win.

Take ownership.

Love deeply.

Try out quirky and very personal works along with crowd-pleasers.

Take chances.

Land work.

Pitch stuff even if it scares me. Especially if it does.

Be grateful.

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What I Want With My Writing

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Wed, 26 Aug 2026 14:08:13 -0500

Be deeply honest while also providing value and insight for others.

Be entertaining but also informative.

Be creative and different, but also resonate.

Meaningful yet silly.

Be undisputably me.

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The Good is to Come, But. . .

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Wed, 26 Aug 2026 13:31:20 -0500

Sometimes I am scared that all my good and thoughtful articles on here will be buried by my army of throwaway posts and crazy meanderings.

But maybe it can be appreciated as a reflection of who I am.

Maybe there is value buried in there somewhere?

Or maybe I'm just kind of crazy.

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Substack vs. Site

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Wed, 26 Aug 2026 13:25:22 -0500

I keep wondering if it is better to focus all my non-client writing on the Substack, or should I continue to try to build this site since it has been around for over two decades?

Do I have the energy and time for both? Should I keep the podcast going?

Is the Substack the better focus since it is easier to monetize?

Should I even consider a Patreon?

Things I wrestle with too much.

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Just a Slight Adjustment

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Wed, 26 Aug 2026 12:36:38 -0500

I may delay my ambitious plans to cover every MCU and Disney movie. Instead, focus on consistency for the next few weeks and see what grabs an audience's attention.

I still want to tackle those projects, but it isn't like anyone has been screaming for me to get started on them. The more important thing is just writing high-quality articles and reviews again.

We'll see.

The big thing is that I need to make money very badly. With the ads currently blocked and not enough paid subscribers, it currently needs to come in the form of sending out work to clients.

I need to balance getting that work done and building up my portfolio while finding the time to create the work audiences want from this site, podcast, and newsletter.

Right now, I'm still trying to figure all that out while also struggling with relationships, feeling I am supporting my family, and managing my mental health.

It feels overwhelming.

But if I just realize that doing even just a little bit of work rather than tackling grand plans, I can slowly but surely get there.

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Pitching It

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Wed, 26 Aug 2026 11:17:35 -0500

I actually enjoy pitching an article idea.

I get energy, excitement, and a rush from crafting a new idea and turning it into something hopeful. Something sellable. Something that promises an unforgettable article for future readers.

But the wait.

That can be draining.

It is the voices. The doubt. The fear. The insecurity. The history of editors saying the idea is great, but it just doesn't work for them.

Sometimes it feels like it doesn't work for anyone.

This is why I wish I could grow the site and newsletter faster.

Less worry about the rejection and the painful waiting game.

I put it out there and find out if it has an audience.

But there is always a rush that comes with that pitch that gets accepted.

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2026 Isn't Done

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Tue, 25 Aug 2026 16:35:21 -0500

School is almost back.

Christmas marketing is right around the corner.

The need for an air conditioner is coming to an end.

Soon, a new year will arrive. A year that happens to be the one when I turn 50.

I'll admit shame.

I feel I've been just about ready to launch a career mode now for 2 decades.

I've had those moments where I finally thought I turned things around before doing something to end a working relationship or leaving myself an emotional mess.

I don't know how 2026 will end, but I want it to be better than how it started.

I can turn things around.

I can also recognize that a turnaround doesn't mean a fresh start. It doesn't mean perfection. It doesn't mean all or nothing, despite a brain that is persistent about it.

It can just be a series of little successes. It can be slowly getting the site, podcast, and newsletter back on track.

It can be landing a few gigs here and there.

It can be whittling down that line of credit debt.

It can be writing things that connect with one reader.

A rough year doesn't mean a bad ending.

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Things to Be Done

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Mon, 24 Aug 2026 19:02:35 -0500

Maybe the words I fear the most.

Usually means I missed something. Or I am not prioritizing the way others feel I should. Or choosing rest at this moment is the wrong choice. Or some type of hidden expectation that is harder to unscramble than the expected work.

I sit here with a brain that feels like it just got off the grill. A body that must have just wrestled a bear. A spirit that flickers.

I often feel like I lack control. That I am still that 4-year-old, ashamed of my choices and lacking autonomy.

There always seem to be things to be done, and I'm desperate to get it right.

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Would You Pay?

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sun, 23 Aug 2026 19:18:06 -0500

If I spend the next month rebuilding the site, newsletter, and podcast, and deliver high-quality reviews and essays, would you be interested in buying things like essay collections, supporting a Patreon, or a paid tier on Substack? Especially if I gave samples of what the paid tier would be like?

Or have I lost the faith of my readers from a year of underdelivering?

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The Drain Game

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sun, 23 Aug 2026 18:45:31 -0500

I'm absolutely wiped.

The massive revelation of my AuDHD diagnosis is that I am a bit more aware of it.

Yes, I can stack four meetings, 5 deadlines, a family function, and theatre rehearsals in a week, but then I need to know why I'm less cognizant than a feather, and my body feels heavier than a walrus.

Being able to do something is different than being able to properly perform and function afterward. Burnout happens. It isn't a weakness to be more strategic with my time and schedule.

This weekend I am absolutely exhausted, and my brain is a fog. I think it may partly be due to not having the best diet since I've been alone this weekend, but also the added pressure of some activities in recent days. Things I love, but the waiting game can be draining as well as throwing my all into the task.

I'm wiped. It is okay. I'm allowed to recharge without guilt.

At least in theory.

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Scared of Self

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sun, 23 Aug 2026 11:53:03 -0500

I fear I don't know enough.

I haven't experienced enough.

I don't have that thing that no other person can say.

I am a passionate storyteller with opinions, views, and analysis. I think often. I feel deeply. I am not afraid to allow my imagination to soar.

But is that enough?

Is what I have to offer something others want to hear?

Is it something an editor takes a chance on?

Can it grow an audience?

Do the things I have contain value outside of the person who spouts them?

Sometimes I believe they do. I believe my experiences and understanding of the world will provide value for others.

Other times I am petrified that they don't.

So I bottle them. I sabotage them. I wait on them. I allow fear to fester.

I tell stories, but much like this career and life, I don't know how they end.

But I hope mine is a happy one.

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Waiting. . .

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sat, 22 Aug 2026 14:48:22 -0500

Sometimes being passionate and having a brain that hyperfocuses can be derailing. You put yourself out there and do your best, but then there is waiting. The more you wait, the more you want it. The more it consumes you. The more you realize that whatever you do, you can't distract yourself. Your body starts feeling sick. You start feeling pain. The only cure seems to be lifting up the veil of the unknown.

But I don't have control over that. I have no choice but to wait. My brain is not well-suited for such things.

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Luck is Seizing Opportunity

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Fri, 21 Aug 2026 16:13:59 -0500

I have despair pumping through my veins.

Frustrated by my lack of work. Annoyed with the state of my site, podcast, and newsletter.

Anxious that I really don't have an audience to sustain the only career I feel I am good at.

But luck is willing to see the opportunities and jump on them. Not allow the fear and risk of failure to paralyze.

I have had opportunities. Given things that could be that 'break-out'.

I have fumbled some and outright failed on others.

But they still exist.

There are still opportunities.

Luck is still lingering for a hopeful career.

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The Return and Maybe A Change

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Mon, 17 Aug 2026 17:03:37 -0500

I'm back.

Considering how little I've created outside of reposts or anecdotes, it is unlikely you noticed or, more likely, cared about my absence.

I had been away for a week up at a cottage where I got to spend some absolutely lovely time with my immediate family and many members of my extended family (my brother's troupe and my parents). The Wi-fi didn't seem to work on my ancient laptop, and I took that as a reason to stay disconnected for my time up there.

I returned incredibly happy that I spent the week with loved ones, but I also feel rather sluggish and drained from sleep struggles and a myriad of thoughts refusing to stop dominating my energy and internal processes.

I found out today that my one regular, but rather low-paying, client has decided to remove me from the contributor board that accesses the regular workflow and shifts our relationship to the far less reliable pitch status. If I am completely realistic about my situation, it really hasn't changed at all from a financial security perspective, but it still feels like a slight dent in the already battered state of my career.

This week means a lot of pitching and trying to seek out some potentially consistent and decent-paying clients as my top priority. Likely attempts to create some work for my now less consistent client, and some work on a story that I hope to sell to a rather decent-paying and well-known publication that has expressed interest in a subject I know quite well.

This means writing review and pop culture pieces for Beyond the Balcony, creating new issues for the Life on the Balcony newsletter, and recording new episodes of The Movie Breakdown remain crucial, but their promise of income is a little farther off. This means likely a hold on things like essay collections and exclusive paid tier pieces until I have some form of reliable income stream in place. Unless some majestic fairy conjures up a way for these more creative and personal projects to send some real money my way.

My hope is to return to weekly newsletters and podcasts this week, and for the site to have daily articles and reviews that fit closer to the original visions, but I also need to be realistic with the energy and time I have, and I'm in a rather desperate and dire state where I must earn some money as of months ago.

I am always grateful for your support.

I've said it to the point of parody, but the best is yet to come.

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Engaging Sports Stars Come in All Sizes: '96 Pounds of Dynamite' is My Latest Review for Video Librarian

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sun, 9 Aug 2026 15:51:31 -0500

There is an unwritten rule that if your movie is about sports, then it must have a 'big game' finale. The documentary 96 Pounds of Dynamite has one in the APA World Pool Championships, but it is much more about the journey and life of Chad "Shorty' McDaniel.

He is focused and confident on winning the championship, but directors Loren Goldfarb and Ed Coughlin are much more interested in allowing McDaniel's colourful and charismatic personality to shine, and spotlight how he found love, friendship, and success by not allowing being born with Osteogenesis Imperfecta to deter him.

It is an inspirational story that once again proves movies and documentaries are a great way to see lives and people you may never encounter, and to get so much necessary understanding and empathy.

You can check out my review over at the Video Librarian site.

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Officially Declaring the Streak Done

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sat, 8 Aug 2026 08:30:27 -0500

My brain needs fresh starts.

It needs to think everything is perfectly set for wonder and magic to erupt from every pore, crack, and geyser.

It also needs a sense of control, even when reality contradicts it. It means I have taken on some obsessions and habits that are not entirely productive for my career and success, but I've convinced myself are necessary to ensure future prosperity in all its forms.

So, this post declares the year-plus habit of scrambling together throwaway pieces, then postdating them to create the illusion of daily articles is over. Only one person cared about any idea of a daily post-streak, and that same person would be better suited to focus that energy on creating articles, reviews, podcasts, and a newsletter his audience would enjoy. He would be better suited to create relationships with clients and land more work so he can feel successful and like he is contributing to his family.

My goal is to recalibrate and return to daily posts, weekly podcasts, and one weekly free newsletter, building towards an eventual additional paid tier weekly newsletter. But missing a day or week does not mean a reset. It means reality. Sometimes holding off on posting is okay in order to create something of higher quality. Plus when this current structure isn't bringing in money, more time needs to be devoted to actual paid work. It means sometimes this stuff will either be delayed or come in a bit shorter or less ambitious than my usual lofty expectations.

That is okay.

This is also the perfect time to post this, because I'll likely have no access to Wi-Fi for the next week, so it is destined that there will be a stretch of nothingness on here.

But then I'll come back refreshed and ready to create the works that gave me such a wonderful audience to begin with. Allow for the rest of 2026 to be something I can be proud of, and something that hopefully brings value, joy, and entertainment to others.

Much love.

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Money Scramble

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Thu, 30 Jul 2026 17:18:32 -0500

I haven't hidden that my current financial state is hovering around dire. It has done less-than-wonderful things to my mental health, managing my neurodivergence, and sparking my creativity. Due to some health concerns, the need for therapy, and various other things to support my family situation, it looks like my need for real and actual money is mounting. This is a bit of a panic attack because I was just scrounging about for money so I could afford shoes, buy a phone that works, a computer that doesn't crash hourly or can actually run Windows 11, a phone plan when I have a phone, photo ID, and, well, I could go on.

The money situation seems to be one not entirely interested in relenting or feeling like I have any sense of control.

I have little smidgeons of work lined up, with none of it substantial, but some money is always more helpful than none. I will continue to pitch and apply to potential clients, and believe that I have great skills to offer when it comes to creating work that connects with audiences for businesses and publications.

I am also well aware that the most important thing is to start creating more pop culture pieces on this site, create weekly pieces on Life on the Balcony, and post weekly The Movie Breakdown podcasts.

I'm also starting to formulate a few things I could possibly sell to also help my money situation. I feel that in order for that to be appealing, I need to build back trust and consistency on my three main projects.

In the coming weeks, I hope to sell a PDF that will contain some of my best essays, and hopefully one new essay as well. No idea if this will appeal to anyone; I am thinking of charging around $10.00 CAD for it.

I also need to launch the paid tier for the Substack newsletter. I also want to at least have three or four exclusive pieces ready to go, so there is something to offer those who kindly decide to become paid subscribers.

Another thing I am considering is launching a service where someone can choose any movie for me to review for $125.00 CAD. Before this likely has a chance to succeed, I need to get back to being consistent with reviews.

Before I have anything to sell, and if you have appreciated all my work over the decade plus as a professional writer, I'd be ever so grateful if you'd consider donating if you are in a place to do so.

As always, thank you so much for the support and love. Many great things are on the way.

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Channeling Obsession

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Wed, 29 Jul 2026 14:11:00 -0500

It is inevitable that most people who are neurodivergent will have those interests, activities, or projects that will trigger a hyperfocus. It will become all-consuming. They will think about it all day. They won't truly be happy until they can spend significant time on it each day. Balance is not really a typical neurodivergent trait. It is all or nothing, even if reality says that is possible. But we try.

But it can sometimes lead to certain obsessions that may not be entirely happy. There is a reason so many neurodivergent people struggle with substance abuse, addiction, and anxiety. They become fixated on that one thing, and feel it is necessary to survive a day in the world never truly designed for them.

I recognize that while I am lucky to not have fallen into drug addiction, I do have my things that my brain feels are the most monumental tasks and I'll obsess about daily, and get upset if interrupted, that are not particularly helpful for my life, relationships, and career.

Just quitting has not proven to be possible for me. Or at least. not without much blood and tears shed, and a completely drained body left to be nothing but a husk. But I do think I can gradually shift my obsessive and hyperfocus into things that are far more beneficial. Slowly introduce things that are similar but will either advance my career or bring actual joy to my life.

Neurodivergent people have to face that hyperfocus and special interests are just a necessary part of their life. It is finding those things and gently nudging them in a way that betters their life.

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Places to Write

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Tue, 28 Jul 2026 13:57:00 -0500

A few places I hope to one day be published:

The Walrus

Entertainment Weekly

The Atlantic

Rolling Stone

New Yorker

The Vulture

Roger Ebert site

Life on the Balcony & Beyond the Balcony: Okay, I am the only one who gets published on both. But one day. I'd like to actually be making money with each post, and if I write for outside places, it is because I really want to do it rather than because I have to do it.

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