Beyond the Balcony

Feeling Stuck

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Thu, 18 Jun 2026 11:14:00 -0500

I should have figured out several decades ago that I had ADHd considerig how quickly my small idea morphs into humongous tentacled monsters obsessed with devouring all in its path.

I should have been more aware of the potential that I was autistic, considering how I obsessed with having an exact ritual before I could consider what I was doing as real work.

Instead, I beat myself up. I felt I was failing.

If there is one thing I've learned in the last few years, it is the necessity for self-compassion.

How shame and negativity never work as a productive and enduring motivator.

I say all this while I admit I'm still struggling with implementing this lesson. And I'm overwhelmed with frustration on how much I feel like I've derailed my career or failed to deliver on my creative projects.

But then that is exactly not practicing self-compassion. Or recognizing that yes, tomorrow and even the next day, and even the day after that, is another day.

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Missing Spoons

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Wed, 17 Jun 2026 09:18:00 -0500

There are many times when someone who is AuDHD or another form of neurodivergent can excel at work, in social settings, through creative projects, or at home, but usually not all at once. Mastering one thing means struggling somewhere else.

This connects to the idea of Spoon Theory, which suggests that neurodivergent people only have so many "spoons" (or units of energy) available each day for tasks and responsibilities. Part of the challenge is that neurodivergent brains are not always great at filtering information. Every task can involve managing background noise, textures, temperature changes, the discomfort of going from dry to wet, or simply trying to process 57 thoughts while also remembering the steps of the task at hand. Add emotional dysregulation, rejection sensitivity, and the frequent challenge of not fully understanding why you're feeling a certain way until after the fact, and it can be a lot.

As a result, some days those spoons get used up very quickly. Other days, depending on how the week has gone, it can feel like the cupboard is already bare before the day even begins.

I've been thinking about this a lot since Sunday. I started the day exhausted after learning the day before that Emily had been admitted to the hospital with unexplained heart issues. I then had to perform a featured role, manage some ongoing work concerns, and prepare to be the sole parent for a short while.

I'm grateful that everyone I spoke to afterward said I performed well and showed no signs of everything I was carrying. But by the second act, my brain was completely foggy. My head was pounding. My body was tense and aching. Honestly, I draw a complete blank on much of what happened during that second act. Somehow, though, I hit my cues, did what I needed to do, and kept moving forward.

When I got home, I crashed hard. I'm grateful my kids are awesome, responsible humans, and together we got through the night. Even now, a few days later, I'm still dragging a bit and feel like the spoons are only slowly making their way back into the drawer.

This is one of those times when I need to give myself some grace and self-compassion. This isn't a character flaw. It's simply part of how my brain and body are wired. I got things done, but it was in a very limited, zombie-like mode.

I'm incredibly grateful to have so many understanding and wonderful people in my life. I hope sharing this experience helps someone else be a little gentler with themselves and celebrate what they were able to accomplish, rather than focusing solely on what they couldn't.

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She's Back!

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Tue, 16 Jun 2026 11:48:00 -0500

Emily just came home!

Thank you so much to the many amazingly kind people who have checked in, offered well-wishes, and support.

Heart attack or any major heart damage has been ruled out. She is looking good, but she always looks good if you ask me.

Now, she gets the joy of specialists and various medications.

You all are really awesome. I won't forget the hugs, the offers of food and rides, the incredible kind comments, and the check-ins to see if we're okay and how Emily was doing. We're blessed with amazing people.

But most of all, we're happy to have her home again (hopefully, she feels the same, even if the place may look like a tornado came through).

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Brain Toast

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Mon, 15 Jun 2026 14:31:00 -0500

The last 24 hours have been a blur. I am aware I did a show. I am aware people said it was good, and there were no signs of what I'm currently going through, made obvious on the stage. But I also am not aware why Emily is in the hospital, other than it is heart-related. We did get confirmed no heart attack or major damage. But she is going to be held in the hospital for at least one more night.

Thoughts and prayers appreciated.

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The Good and the Bad

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sun, 14 Jun 2026 07:55:00 -0500

Saturday was a big double show day. Once again, we had great crowds. My Weselton got the largest ovation yet during the two weekends in Fergus. I love that kids and families are enjoying the little slimeball so much. It is a lot of fun to portray.

During the two shows, Emily was texting me, wishing us the best and asking us how the show was going.

What I didn't know was that she was doing it from the hospital.

She had chest pains and went to the hospital, and while she didn't have a heart attack, she did have a 'heart episode,' and her blood pressure is dangerously high. She has been put on medication and is being monitored while they try to figure out what is going on.

She didn't want me to know any of this until the end of our shows, so we could focus on our performances. It was probably the right decision.

Now, I have a rather bittersweet day, having a great performance but dealing with awful news.

If you pray or just want to send well wishes, I'd appreciate it.

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The Audience is on Fire with Frozen

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sat, 13 Jun 2026 07:58:00 -0500

Show number five, and the fifth time, the audience responded in a huge way.

Last night was a wonderful start to another four-show run in Fergus. So much laughter, cheering, dancing, and applause coming from such great crowds. I am so grateful to everyone who has come out and allowed us to bring a little magic into your life.

This cast and crew are a very special bunch. Everyone is pouring their heart into this, and the amount of work and dedication from the cast and crew has been inspiring.

There are a few tickets left for the upcoming shows, and we'd love to see you in Fergus today or tomorrow!

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We Return!

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Fri, 12 Jun 2026 13:16:31 -0500

It is time to get down to Weasel Town!

Okay, maybe not.

But tonight we return to Arendelle for another 4-show weekend in Fergus. I was a huge hit with audiences, with many families waiting after the show to congratulate us. I can't wait to spread more magic and joy this weekend.

Limited tickets available, but this is a very fun show for the whole family.

If you come out this weekend, let me know so I can thank you after the show!

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Addressing the Drama in Local Theatre

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Thu, 11 Jun 2026 13:06:00 -0500

I entered the world of theatre in the summer of 2023 as a way to better connect with my kids. Since then, I've been part of more than ten productions, and it has become a treasured part of my life. It has been an elixir for my emotional health, a wonderful way for my family to bond, and a place where I've met some of the coolest people on the planet.

I also learned there can be a lot of drama in theatre, and I'm not just talking about Shakespeare.

While I'm a billion miles away from being a model human being, I try to avoid gossip and speaking poorly about others, keep my ego in a locked cage, and be a positive and encouraging member of every show I'm involved in. I'm aware some companies don't get along. I'm aware that some issues have festered within the theatre community. People I trust and respect have shared stories of toxic and harmful experiences, and I have no reason to believe those experiences were fabricated.

At the same time, I've heard difficult stories connected to every theatre company I've worked with, and whenever possible, I've tried to understand all sides of a situation. All I can speak to is my own experience. For my family and me, our time in theatre has been overwhelmingly positive and uplifting. I've only had one production that I didn't enjoy, and I wouldn't place the blame on the company itself.

I believe people have the right to be honest about their experiences. If someone has been hurt or feels an environment was unhealthy, they shouldn't be expected to bury those feelings. Ideally, speaking up comes from a place of wanting accountability, growth, and improvement. We all make mistakes; sometimes major, life-changing ones, but I also hope people are given opportunities to learn, change, and strive to do better.

What I am confident about is that bullying, character attacks, and public shaming are never tools for meaningful improvement. It breaks my heart to see a community I've fallen in love with sometimes descend into that kind of behaviour. I'm not downplaying real hurts or mistakes, and I've seen many people handle difficult situations with maturity and integrity. But I also have witnessed individuals who I don't personally know use social media as a weapon to hurt and slander others.

In trying to hurt certain people, they often end up causing anxiety and emotional harm to many others, including those they claim to be protecting. Attacking an entire show dismisses the hard work of cast and crew members of all ages and backgrounds who have poured their hearts into creating something special. It diminishes the efforts of performers, stage managers, technicians, designers, and creators when the goal should be to lift each other up and make great art together.

I know I'm just one guy who, in the grand scheme of things, hasn't been doing this very long. I'm not exactly known for creating deep and lasting relationships. I'm more of an "at least he didn't steal my cookie" or "I'll talk to him until the cool people arrive" kind of person. You're probably not coming to me for theatre advice unless you need tips on walking in shoes with the soles falling off.

But I genuinely care about the people I meet. I try to be friendly, encouraging, and uplifting wherever I go. Every time I join a show, I hope everyone feels seen, appreciated, and valued. I hope it feels as close to a family and a team as possible.

I have no idea how successful I am at that, but after everything I've seen over the last few months, I'm more convinced than ever that positivity matters, kindness matters, and making people feel appreciated matters

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The AuDHD Social Contradiction

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Wed, 10 Jun 2026 12:47:00 -0500

My expereince being AuDHD is a constant boiling contradiction. Especially in social settings. I can be the life of the party, an engaging storyteller, and show empathy and compassion, but at times be the quietest person in the room, hiding away in a corner.

I often can feel an energy in a room and sense someone's vibe. I'm the person many turn to, asking if we should trust someone or if a place feels safe. It is this radar that I've learned many neurodivergent people have. But then I am completely oblivious about how people see me. Are we friends? Are we acquaintances? Bitter enemies? Do they even know me?

I find making friends so hard, because not only a history of bullying in my younger years or being told I'm too strange, but I often overthink every single comment, look, and movement for hours to the point I'm exhausted and too scared to initiate anything further with that person.

I can come on too strong for those who didn't think we were as close as I had thought. Or seemed too distant for those who thought we were closer, but I was too nervous to reach out again to avoid being hurt.

I love to create, write, perform, and spread my imagination. But also never know if what I did was worth it or connected. Again, maybe the harsh history, but also just one of the side effects of neurodivergent all-or-nothing thinking and tendency to assume it is perfection or trash.

I know others struggle with this. That is why I know I need to be open about this and share it. Also, just let people know I'm trying to strategize ways to hop over that barrier and be better at making connections and friends, and being more fearless in creating and spreading my forms of art.

If any of this resonates, I see you, and I'm always open to talking about it and strategizing together.

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Time to See How Much of My Audience is Bots

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Tue, 9 Jun 2026 14:38:00 -0500

I have many posts from previous years that garner several hundred to over a thousand views in a month. What I don't know is if this is real living people who enjoy my writing, or a fleet of bots scouring places where they can promote miracle erectile drugs and Torrent sites.

Since I can't currently have ads on my site, I've decided to insert my CTA that I have at the end of most of my newer posts into these older and higher-performing pieces. I can't get ad revenue, but I can promote my freelance business, Ko-fi accounts, and Life on the Balcony newsletter. If an older piece moves a new reader so much, they may want to support me in one of those ways.

If my older pieces are creating fans, then maybe. . . just maybe there will be a trickle of results through a new subscriber or a kind donation.

Or maybe it will do nothing at all, because bots don't have wallets or great taste.

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Tapping to Recognition

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Mon, 8 Jun 2026 14:05:00 -0500

Yesterday, Everett and Danika had their tap dance recital. I am so proud of how far they have come as dancers and performers on the stage. In a delightful, unexpected surprise, Everett won a Best Tap Dancer trophy.

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18 Years

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sun, 7 Jun 2026 22:40:00 -0500

We have had our ups. We have had our down. We've gone in each direction and back around. I don't know where we will be in a year. I don't know a lot. But I do know I still love Emily, and I'm committed for many more decades to come.

Happy anniversary, Emily!

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Return of 'Life on the Balcony' Explore the Burden of a 'Easy-Going' Mask

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sat, 6 Jun 2026 17:26:39 -0500

One of the big things about being diagnosed AuDHD is discovering how so many things I did were acts of survival. And the unfortunate thing is, they usually ended up draining me and leading to burnout rather than actually protecting.

It wasn't until after my diagnosis that I recognized I had been masking all my life. One of my most cherished masks was appearing to be 'easy-going' while on the inside, I was a fiery house trapped in a tornado being sucked into a black hole.

Not too surprising, I was often exhausted.

In my latest issue of Life on the Balcony, I reflect upon my decades of 'easy-going' masking, the cost it took on me, and how I now see myself.

It is one of my most personal pieces, and I'd love for you to give it a read. If you like it, please consider subscribing!

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Here We Go

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Fri, 5 Jun 2026 15:12:24 -0500

I've been sitting on an idea for a newsletter article for over six months now. It explores the discovery that I'm not nearly as easy-going, chill, or flexible as I once thought. Many of those traits weren't natural parts of me at all, but were acquired through decades of masking.

So why have I allowed this idea to gestate for half a year?

The same reason I haven't posted a podcast for most of 2026.

The same reason the long-promised MCU and Disney animated theatrical review series remain hidden.

Throw in the serialized fiction, new release movie reviews, and countless other projects into the nothing but empty promises pile.

For months, I've told myself I just need to do a few administrative tasks, work through some internal hurdles, and become the new and focused version of myself, ready to tackle all these ideas.

But the truth is that all this preparation and planning is the same all-or-nothing pattern that crushed my confidence, mental health, and creativity for most of my life.

I just didn't have a name for it until recently.

For years, I kept running into a wall because I was trying to be neurotypical when the reality was that I'm a creative AuDHD person. Someone who needs to create, but who often becomes overwhelmed with shame for not creating the "proper" way.

I need to write about easy-going as masking for the newsletter, not because I suddenly feel ready or because I believe it will be the best thing I've ever written.

I need to write it for the exact opposite reason.

I need to create before I feel ready because the earth-shattering truth is that I'll probably never feel ready.

Maybe my subscribers will respond with, "That's what we've been waiting six months for?"

Maybe it will disappear among the thousands of other things I've written.

Maybe my first review back will stink worse than an elephant's fart.

At this point, that's not really the point.

The point is creating again.

Starting before my brain feels primed.

Learning to enjoy the creative process through the fog, the overwhelm, and the molasses.

Because the reality is that creating has always been one of the healthiest and most energizing things in my life. The challenge isn't creating; it's gently navigating the doubt, perfectionism, and constant voice insisting that whatever I make isn't good enough.

Will I post every day?

Will this be the most magnificent June in the history of Beyond the Balcony?

I have no idea.

And honestly, it doesn't matter.

What matters is that I create.

I slowly rebuild my career.

That I show up for my readers, listeners, and myself.

And that I offer the best work I'm capable of creating today, not some imaginary masterpiece that only exists in a future where I finally feel ready.

Because that day may never come.

But today is here.

And today, I can create.

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Brain Mush

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Thu, 4 Jun 2026 11:09:00 -0500

I'm not sure when it started, but over the last few weeks, there has been a point in each day where my brain becomes pudding. Every thought gets swallowed by a thick, soupy fog. It's coated in a syrup of overwhelm as I constantly feel haunted by the need to make money, land more consistent work, and grow an audience for the site, newsletter, and podcast.

Of course, the newsletter and podcast should probably have something new if they have any chance of attracting a new audience. And I have ideas. Lots of ideas. Things I want to review. Stories I want to tell. Topics I want to discuss. I'm excited to create things for the site, podcast, and newsletter.

But my brain keeps demanding perfection while simultaneously being trapped in goo that seeps away coherent thought and the ability to produce.

I clean some dishes.

Do the laundry.

Cook dinner.

Each task seems to drain all I have in me.

I'm starting to suspect I haven't fully pulled myself out of autistic burnout. Decades of shame and guilt are still battering me, especially in the places I am most passionate about.

So what does this mean?

The best answer I've come up with is that I need to loosen my grip on the idea of the perfect review, the perfect newsletter, or the perfect podcast. Just create in all its messy glory.

Even if the podcast is only two minutes long.

Even if the review is only fifty words.

It's something.

Maybe those small mountains of wins can eventually build into something more majestic.

The same goes for landing work. Keep producing the best work I can for my current clients. Keep sending pitches. Keep developing ideas. Write the best pitch my current energy allows.

I spend a lot of time beating myself up for not being good enough.

But "not good enough" has always been better than nothing.

I'm also learning that my brain can only handle so much.

And that's okay.

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Maybe Time to Drop the Obsession

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Wed, 3 Jun 2026 17:11:00 -0500

The streak of posting things on here every day (or back-dating so it looks like I did) hasn't helped my career. It sure hasn't helped this site showcase my best work. If anything, it has been part of the reason reviews have been absent, podcasts have been delayed, and the newsletter has been on hiatus since last year.

My brain says I just catch up on all these posts, and work through a few administrative things, and BAM! I'm ready to kick off the year right with my best stuff ever and a constant flow of well-paying work and subscribers.

But that strategy has brought me to June with a brain that is still prepping for the year.

It's time to let go of things that don't actually matter but have been holding me back.

The streak has been a comfort blanket, but one that weighs over a ton and has been crushing me rather than protecting me.

I would like to be daily on here.

I would like a weekly podcast.

I would like weekly newsletters.

I would like everything to seem to have a routine and structure.

But I also know it doesn't need to be that way.

It is better to just create my best stuff and continue to build relationships with editors and clients so I can get my career back on track.

Sometimes that may mean a day is missed.

Or something is posted late.

Or despite all efforts, the review just didn't elicit a standing ovation, but instead will be forgotten by all in 10 seconds.

But I just need to keep working.

Keep trusting.

Keep appreciating my amazing readers and listeners.

Give them my best.

They want reviews, essays, and joy. They've never asked for a streak.

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No Idea What Is Next

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Tue, 2 Jun 2026 16:41:46 -0500

There is an outside chance I will still be able to accept the job offer.

The last few days, there is evidence that I have people who like my stuff, and if I really craft my best in the coming weeks, it could possibly be monetized.

I have a consistent but low-paying job, but also one that could provide the connections in the industry I love.

I'm slowly making a system that could possibly work with my brain and allow me to be more productive.

I want success.

I really do.

I also often feel so alone, inadequate, weird, and disliked.

I accept that I don't make friends easily, or that even those who like my stuff won't often say it. That breakthroughs are never obvious until hindsight arises.

These posts are more a form of self-preservation than anything someone wants to read.

It is my authentic self, and where I am right now.

I don't know where I'll be in a month. But I hope I've created things that are meaningful and valuable to someone before we get there.

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Miracle Moments

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Mon, 1 Jun 2026 17:25:00 -0500

I'm struggling.

I'm frustrated by my inability to get the groove flowing with the site, newsletter, and podcast.

I'm frustrated about the work I lost and my financial state, despite knowing a lot of this came by trying to be 'neurotypical' when my brain is wired much differently, and I burned myself out.

I'm frustrated that I often feel so alone and unable to make connections.

I'm frustrated over how desperate I feel in my current need for money.

A miracle.

I also know living on a miracle is a fool's plan.

As I feel hopeless, I remember miracles have happened in the past few years.

1. My Spreaker offer to join their Prime network was out of the blue because someone on the team liked our podcast.

2. In the past few months, many readers and listeners whom I have never met or talked to have donated money to help me out.

3. Received job offers due to the popularity of my site rather than pitching.

4. Was offered a paid acting gig without applying or even thinking that was an option.

5. Received pledges for my Substack even though I haven't promoted a paid tier yet.

6. A PR agent reached out with an offer to review screeners and conduct an interview without any pushing for such a thing.

Miracle happens. Every single day. It is our job to be grateful for them. and be willing to accept them. See them as that chance to launch off them and create something even better. And then pass on that same kindness when we have the chance.

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Feeling Beaten But Not Defeated

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sun, 31 May 2026 22:42:00 -0500

I'm struggling financially. The harder part is the haunting doubts that my writing can't correct things, despite not feeling like there is much else I can do. I am stuck in toxic goo, sinking by the day, but I keep seeing a ladder just out of reach to pull me out.

I have ideas and the talent, but my mental health and self-doubt are so twisted up while I am still trying to figure out what being neurodivergent and successful means, that I remain trapped, unable to even brush the ladder of reversed fortunes.

I didn't recognize it at the time, but the complete and utter failure of my Letters to Santa idea was a major confidence suck. Though if I even take a second to think it through, the problem likely has a lot to do with not advertising them until December, when the launch should have been in September. If I ever try it again, I'd come in far more prepared, rather than the Hail Mary desperation pass that it was by offering a few extras and coming off far more professional.

The lack of any response essentially killed my follow-up idea of a PDF of updated essays from the site and other places. I thought it was a decent idea, but I started doubting it would be worth the effort if no one responded to my first offer. My brain protected me by keeping on pushing back, working on the PDF.

It then pushed back everything. I started 2026 with an idea of taking a few days to refocus and launch stronger, and now, somehow, we're at the halfway point of the year, and I haven't sent one Substack newsletter, only posted one podcast, and no 2026 reviews have been written.

It might be time to get back to work.

This week landed another nut shot in the form of a job offer that, even if I only got 40 hours out of it, would have significantly helped my debt and financial situation, and given me the momentum to start believing in myself again and possibly lead to even more lucrative work.

But not being able ot afford any photo ID at the moment means I can't take the job, and they aren't budging on making concessions or alternative options. I realize that it's more of a them thing than me, but it definitely makes me think I just must not be worth the effort.

But I also, despite not being that productive this year and feeling I am letting my readers and listeners down, got several very kind donations from people I don't even know. If a stranger is giving you money because they like your work, then it must have some kind of value.

I am in a tough spot. The next few weeks, I really need money, and my current lined-up work won't make a dent or offer the help I need. My site, newsletter, and podcast don't make much more than money for a pastry and fancy coffee (but I can't buy them because I have to save up for the important things I can't afford).

What does it mean? It definitely means I am grateful that I have people who still read my stuff and clearly care about my work. Every kind word and any level of donation means more than you'd ever know.

It also means I just need to start throwing myself out there. Not create the perfect newsletter or podcast, and craft the masterpieces, but just something that takes my effort and creativity, and let the world decide its fate. I just need to create and see where that will take me.

I will also likely launch a paid tier for the newsletter because I've been given pledges, and I can't access that money until the newsletter goes paid. This also means I want to have some exclusive issues ready to go. I also want to at least try to see if PDF is something anyone would be interested in purchasing.

I have a lot planned, and even if I can't reach that ladder, I have some work to do.

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The 'What If' Trap

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Sat, 30 May 2026 10:11:00 -0500

I've been in a bit of a 'what if' spiral after I was unable to move forward with a relatively good-paying job offer due to being unable to complete their rather complex verification process.

What if I had gotten a photo ID months ago?

What if I completed that one assignment on time?

What if I dived deeper into copywriting?

What if I had been better at leveraging my pop culture experience when I was 'hot'?

What if I pursued that sponsor?

What if I wrote that pitch?

What if I wrote more reviews?

What if?

Our society tends to be one where we look back. Say we are where we are because of that choice we made, and things would have been better if we did that specific thing better or if we did it at all.

But 'what ifs' don't let us move forward. They can't be changed. We have to, in the end, deal with the now, no matter what was done in the past.

The truth is that now is much more malleable and changeable than we often give it credit.

I am trying to remind myself to keep on putting out my best work and aiming to be better every day, because you never know what things could stumble on the path.

I never expected the out-of-nowhere offer from Spreaker Prime to join their network.

I never expected a PR agent to suddenly contact me for an interview and screeners.

I never expected amazing readers in the past few weeks to donate money as thanks for the work I do. Yes, I am so grateful and touched.

You never know what the next moment will give. So, it is better ot focus on the now than what could have been done in the unchangeable past.

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A Letter to My Neurodivergent Brain

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Fri, 29 May 2026 09:09:00 -0500

Dear Brain,

I know you think you're protecting me.

But we don't need to do a deep dive into every comment, look, or body language.

We don't need to over-analyze if this person's action, decision, or choice is a reflection of how they value us.

It's okay not to think 'all-or-nothing' and allow one little hiccup or lack of encouragement to be a declaration of being the reigning lord of suckitude.

Sincerely,

A guy whose own inner warfare reminds him how important it is to make others feel seen and loved.

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End of the Road

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Thu, 28 May 2026 14:11:00 -0500

Looks like both the company that sent me the job offer and the company that handles verifications refuse to make any exceptions or exhibit flexibility. So, the $70.00 job offer has evaporated into the wind.

The irony is that the job offering me money, where I can afford to get a photo ID, demands I have the photo ID that I can't currently afford without the money.

Well, in happier news, several amazing readers have donated some money to Kofi. Considering that I admit I haven't provided my best work in a little while, I am very grateful. I promise the best is yet to come.

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Open to Deity Intervention

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Wed, 27 May 2026 15:19:00 -0500

There is a special kind of searing and debilitating pain that comes from the unexpected roadblock right when one believed a miracle had happened.

I recently received an out-of-nowhere job offer during a time that I desperately needed money. But the company has a very extensive onboarding process that appears to be AI-driven, with requirements like a criminal check that I've never seen before in the contract and freelance realm.

The flaming karate kick to the balls happened when I had to scan a photo ID that I don't currently have in an unexpired form. I can't currently afford to apply for a new one.

Just like that, the work that offered a very substantial rate and could solve my debt and finance problems within weeks, has become vapor unless a new miracle comes my way immediately.

I'm in a spot where I'm desperate for pay. I can't afford shoes or a phone plan. I can't pay for the process for a photo ID. In a few weeks, I need to find a way to be in Fergus, and being able to afford a hotel would fix most of my problems.

If I ever needed an all-powerful God to show some mercy and exhibit the power of miracles, it would be now.

About fifteen hundred dollars would suddenly erase all stress, and really give me a bit of focus to start creating articles and podcasts for this site, and getting back to a several-month neglected newsletter.

But that is probably wishing for a little too much, but just being able to bring ads back on this site and being able to accept the recent work offer would be, without much hyperbole, a game-changer.

For now, I just need to keep on believing in myself, properly working with my brains, and delivering my best work with hopes it leads to some financially happier days.

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6 Reasons to Love Theatre. . . Or Maybe Not

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Tue, 26 May 2026 13:26:00 -0500

The top 6 reasons I love performing in theatre:

1. The unwavering, haunting feeling you really aren't good enough, and everyone just says otherwise, so you won't cry on stage.

2. Knowing a scene starts unravelling all because you dropped a line or said something from a completely different show.

3. Having a quick change only to realize someone moved your props and costume, and so you have no choice but to jump up and down in your underwear.

4. An audience so dead and uninterested that you can hear every single fart.

5. After the show is over, your body screams you're not as young as you used to be, and you have a limp for the next six weeks.

6. Smelling like a water buffalo that just did a 60 Minute workout due to the hot lights and winter coat-like costume.

Wait. . . I think this is the wrong list.

But even with all those things possibly existing, theatre is one of the greatest things in the entire universe. It is always worth it.

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The Disastrous Money Loop

noreply@blogger.com (Christopher Spicer) — Mon, 25 May 2026 10:38:00 -0500

Yet again, not having money is stopping me from making the money that I need.

As you may notice, ads have disappeared from the site. They weren't making huge money, but they were slowly building up a decent little side income. But Google hit me with a verification due to the amount I made, and it required an ID that I don't have, and I currently can't afford.

Well, I recently was given a job offer that, if I even get close to 40 hours of work from it, I'd be in a much better financial spot, and have some breathing room to create a bit and pay off some necessary debts and bills.

But the company requires an ID verification process that once again demands an ID that I don't have, and I cannot afford. I've contacted the company and the verification company, and just been met with an AI representative telling me that I haven't finished the process, rather than offering any solution that allows me to use a different ID to prove I am me.

Which means, I likely won't land the work that would give me the money that would allow me to get the ID I need for the job.

Here we are with the nasty money loop, where I need to make money, but I can't make money because I don't have money. There are also likely a few things coming up in the coming weeks that I'll need money for, too.

If only my brain decided to not hit autistic burnout and lose work and spiral into depression for a few years. What a poor choice in the Choose Your Own Adventure that was.

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