Tim Pryce

vanish(but slowly).

2022-02-07T23:45:00.007-05:00

alone
i deserve it

maybe

i don't know
i may not be
who i think i am
or thought i was
but it's getting late
and i am way behind
and being lonely
somehow feels
right
to protect myself
and others from me
i am trying to take care
it's hard to be sick
or physically broken
when you're alone
so i am doing this
instead of trying to find
someone
i made mistakes
huge mistakes
and it's better
if they are forgotten
or at very least
disregarded
there's no need
for memories of me
if i could forget
i would
so that's what i think
is happening
like smoke into the air
i disappear

...

black hole.

2020-11-13T22:05:00.004-05:00

it's almost time

has been

for a long time

it's tipping

i've always been lost

i have nothing to give

nothing to offer

that would keep you close

i never have

that's why i fail

that's why i lose

i've never known

anything else

no home

no love

no people

always a stranger

always strange

always alone

i think i'm being fair

you don't deserve this

neither do i

i think you know what i mean

i don't expect it to mean much

though

i don't expect you to care

at one time it was all i wanted

someone to care

even a little

someone to know

and understand

and be with me

but i see now

that i am too far away

and too far

away

in so many ways

and every day

the one thing that gets clearer

is that this black hole

that i live in

is exactly where

i belong

...

in this pit.

2019-04-24T17:19:00.003-04:00

sitting silently

gritting my teeth

it's not going away

i'm in a hole

it's deep and

it's dark

i've made so many mistakes

and i'm not believing

that there is much future left

i would have

and still would

give you everything

for a reason

for a place

for a way

it isn't that i don't care

it's that i realize

that these things

don't mean anything

i've never been home

i've never been where i belong

i doubt such a place exists

and i am getting older

and uglier

and i can't be completely

wrong

i trust you

and i love you

and i want to believe you

but i know it's too much to ask

so i don't anymore

every song is a sad song today

and i am singing along

and my heart aches

...

brick roads.

2018-12-30T19:55:00.001-05:00

back and forth

and in-between the lines

there's always a suffering point

always a rough spot

we can search for a clean route

and think we may find one

well maybe

i've been wrong so many times

and it wouldn't surprise me

to be wrong again

but i think that's just a dream

there's always

a little nightmare

in there somewhere

if you've found a way

please
take me through with you

i hope i don't ruin it

i promise i'll try

i really will

show me there's some light

after all

show me

...

silent partner.

2018-08-28T21:05:00.002-04:00

if only i knew you

but it's been so long

and i've spent so much time

trying to get to you

but there is only confusion

and pain

you seem afraid

and lost

and innocent

and guilty

you betray me

and i never understand why

you hurt me

and i can never tell

if you meant to

or not

or if you can even help it

you suffer

and i see no peace in your eyes

but you've learned to hide it

because no one can know

i don't think you even know

what you want

and perhaps you have never known

but there is something

tearing at you

i am your passenger

so i too

am homeless

and lost

and without any permanence

we are out here

searching for something

but we have forgotten what

if we ever even knew

and we wouldn't know if we found it

because this is who we have become

i share this with you

this burden

this static life

and i don't even know

if you can be known at all

we are like ghosts

wandering together

hoping that someday

we find our place

and truly begin to live

and learn

who we are

...

progressive lonliness.

2018-05-23T00:28:00.003-04:00

i have issues

inside

issues with issues

and even though it's old

and i am old

it never fades

and some things

never change

and no one cares

and i get it

because i want to not care

too

i don't know where i am

and each tide takes me

further out

into lostlessness

thinking i will die alone

will always hurt

it always hurts

knowing i will die alone

frees me from hurting you

because it's easier

if you don't love me

not for me

almost

but for you

for sure

it's been so long

and the last time wasn't real

or so i was told

or so i remember

or so it seems now

things are passing by

and i am still clueless

i'm not sure if i can function

and perhaps

i am the last to know

being alone

might be the only thing

i am doing right
...

ebbing.

2017-10-18T21:45:00.002-04:00

i can feel a turning

a repetition

it's like a tide

i've felt it before

although i am not sure

if this tide is coming in

or going out

i've been wrong

blind and lost

i feel it constantly

and as i am living

i know it

i was never in denial

i was never indifferent

i've just never known

what to do

i am lonely

i can accept that

this tide

this wave

is in tune to whether i feel

that my loneliness

is a good thing

or a bad thing

i grind away

and wonder endlessly

i become fatigued

i start drawing lines

i shy away

i let it hurt and burn me

my love is always present

it's always in my heart

but i grow tired

and each time

i feel older

because i am older

this time no one held me

this time no one loved me

i so badly want to disappear

but i hang on

i wait

hoping that one day

i'll figure it out

before i am too far away

before i lose touch

before i run out of time

waiting for the next tide

...

impending latency.

2016-09-20T13:05:00.001-04:00

trying to see past today

a bigger picture

see if a path exists

that will break

the cycles

all the jagged

spiraling

as we fall through time

searching and hoping

for answers

for some kind of

future

letting the uncertainty

strip away our sanity

and beg us

to give in

and hide away

i'm not sure if i have

another try in me

makes me want to stay

present

so i may survive

so i may stay in touch

even just a little

if i withdraw again

i may just gray away

for good

i'm not sure

if that is what's best

for me

but it may not matter

at all

staying quiet

is difficult for me

unless i stay away

unless i disappear

i have nothing to say

that i haven't already said

and regretted

a thousand times

so perhaps

i should stop

repeating myself

and simply

let go

and be

alone

...

ascetic smile.

2016-09-11T22:16:00.001-04:00

i no longer need

your compassion

your attention

your

love

it's been too long

and it's hurt too bad

and it's gotten too messy

and too ugly

and too unattainable

i don't need it

and i don't want it

anymore

i survived

i lived on hope

and dreams

for so long

that they finally broke

and i was already

broken

now

i am just numb

i found a new way to live
a new way to suffer

i found simplicity

this pain is new

and refreshing

and it may just keep me

away from all of those

memories

and reminders

all of those things

that killed me

so many times

but somehow

i am here

somehow

i learn to live

with myself

and although it gets

lonelier

it doesn't hurt

quite as bad

anymore

...

grinding.

2016-03-31T23:46:00.000-04:00

we leave everything behind

unknowingly

gravity flattens our feet

and pulls our hearts down

we break our backs

picking up the pieces

over and over

we fail to see

that things break

and will remain broken

no matter what we do

i’ve learned

that perhaps

i am not defined

by my triumphs

but rather my losses

because of them

i can find some enjoyment

some clarity

some shelter

and some realization

that life

is about the struggle

and the suffering

and that there is solace

in knowing

that sometimes

it’s supposed to hurt

…

buried.

2015-11-12T21:14:00.000-05:00

there are things about me

that you'll never know

it's not that i wouldn't tell you

but i'm quite certain

you'll never ask

such ugly questions

so many important moments

so many

beautiful experiences

missed

leaving shotgun holes

in my life

while i was being foolish

making choices

i didn't want to make

making mistakes

ruining everything

and now time is having

it's way with me

i've learned to smile

a little

to find some happiness

in the little warmth

afforded to me

i don't know

whether i deserve it

or not

perhaps i'm numb

although

there is always pain

always suffering

it's always there

and there is no going back

maybe that's why

sad songs

make me feel

comfortable

maybe that's why

i can be thankful

for the small things

because i know

they are all

i'll ever have

...

senescence.

2015-09-05T01:59:00.000-04:00

i remember

when the days were strange

and so were we

when we played with knives

and struggled for every wish

our lives were filled with danger

and our hearts with fire

we searched for each other

for the same passion in our eyes

our youth was perfectly ugly

i remember.

in many ways

i’m still the same man

but in many ways

i’m not

now

wanting hurts twice as much

because i'm not sure what i want anymore

and love is reserved

only for dreams

and even still

it is painful

perhaps it’s all the failure

or that getting older

for me

means letting go

suffering alone

and becoming numb

or maybe it’s just

the mood i find myself in

when i remember

...

arithmetic.

2015-09-03T22:18:00.001-04:00

the angels and demons

are the same

fighting for the innocence

of being right

belief based on

circumstance

they’re all guilty

friction creates energy

creates the passing of time

so that nothing is ever

exactly the same

the balance is always off

nothing is level

the message is never clear

the frustration

of all the same

unanswered questions

that mean nothing

over and over again

draw endless circles

in my mind

i’m sure that somehow

it all makes sense

and that the math is right

i’m just not getting it

...

artificial heart.

2015-06-15T04:30:00.002-04:00

my love was lost

on you

because it was real

you loved me at my lowest

because it served you best

but it never lasted

and ever since

my heart is missing

stranded in a foreign city

in whichever state

you have moved on to

and how i live

by whatever artificial means

keeps me breathing

has become my life

karma keeps me nice

because i am too weak

to fight

or perhaps

when there is no heart left

to break

it is easier to be alone

time passes

and memories fade

and the feelings are still there

but there is nothing real

to embrace

it makes me feel sick

and it makes me feel

foolish

because i am

it means nothing

because there is no going back

and there is no future

there is no point

and there is nothing left

and i am not the same man

anymore

but still...

i listened to the album

and i heard the song

yesterday

and i dreamt about you

last night

and i woke up

this morning

cursing your name

again

...

intramural.

2015-04-22T01:32:00.000-04:00

as we look

through these windows

the ones inside

we believe

that we are alone

but we know

that we aren't

trying to connect

in love

in hate

in our happiness

and even in our

envy

spending our lives

searching for answers

that do not exist

to questions

that do not truly mean

anything

and we wonder

why

how is this

the passing of time

it wears us down

and as we grow tired

and frustrated

we try not to care

we deny

we try to stop

we try to forget

we cut off

to protect ourselves

from ourselves

because sometimes

the pain is too much

and we need to survive

even if we don't

we need to

we know we must

the invisible enemies

inside of us

that we create

are killers

and at times

they hurt more

than knives

or fists

ever could

...

wet blankets.

2015-03-28T00:34:00.002-04:00

unfulfilled and incomplete

it's not the same

because everything changes

and nothing matters

except when we believe it does

and even then

it's never as it seems

and more is forgotten

than we can try to remember

now

tomorrow

or yesterday

it's an illusion

it seems so real

because we've gotten

used to it

but it still hurts

and we can't figure it out

we never will

because it's not real

chemical reactions

and emotional triggers

empowering

and

destroying us

all in the same

breath

in a blink

of our eyes

but we're blind

and suffocating

we think too much

it's time to admit

and realize

that we aren't

what we think

we are

we simply are

what we are

we don't have to like

the same things

we don't have to believe

the same things

we don't have to look

the same

but we are

we are all the same

chasing down an idea

of happiness

that can never be defined

who's to say

that dreams

aren't a real part

of our lives

...

train wreck.

2015-02-08T05:20:00.002-05:00

you're looking at me

and i'm wondering

what you're seeing

the way you break your eyes

the way you speak

makes me think

that you know things

things that i haven't

and will never

have to explain

like you can see

where i've been

and what i've done

and in your eyes

i can see

fear

respect

empathy

and a sense of

alleviation

that your escape

is only moments away

and even though

you want to see me

feel me

know me

understand me

if only for a moment in time

your eyes blink

and you realize

that it would be

ugly

painful

and overwhelming

and that it may not

wash off so easily

and that sometimes

it's best to leave

the beast in his cage

and simply

move on

...

cephalodynia.

2014-12-25T02:30:00.001-05:00

knives in my brain

when i'm alone

another crease

in my aging face

it's not all bad

because it gets better

never all the way

but it gets better

pain and guilt

and regret

and frustration

move me

survival

fear

the only thing i know

is that i'll either be

breathing

or i won't

how i take my

heres and nows

is all mine

and as it is

as i am so flawed

i don't always make

the best choices

i don't always take

the best road

but i do take

my own way

up or down

and i grow

and i learn

and i live

i survive

and i will continue

to do so

until the road ends

and there are no more

choices

no more moves

no more chances

and no more breaths

to take

...

arm's length.

2014-09-14T14:13:00.001-04:00

i can feel you nearing

the electric tingle

in my center

and the rising of the hairs

on my arms and neck

self conscious stirring

and twice as upset

because i know

i shouldn't feel this way

smile only with my lips

don't say a word

try not to stare

i can apologize later

i've seen us together

laughing and tripping

over each other

i've felt your acceptance

of all that i am

but only in a dream

and it's so juvenile to me

i feel like a teenager

like it's the very first time

and it isn't even real

and i'm fairly certain

that it never could be

this is why i keep you

at a distance

it won't be you

it will be me

i can never hurt you

if you never even know

i was here

...

broken.

2014-07-06T16:40:00.000-04:00

sitting in the dark

feeling like a child

wishing for tears

to wash away

some of the pain

from anger

to shame

it's never easy

and it's my fault

my escape

was to become my fear

backed into corners

we survive

even if it makes life

worse

hit and pitched

now ugly

and unwanted

once touched

now broken forever

and some choices

are too hard to make

bruised blue

and cold

they saw great things for me

i made them eat their words

i never saw any future

i never saw a place

i never found a home

i found suffering

i found loneliness

and all the hate i felt

i felt towards myself

how could you love me

when i've never loved me

it makes sense

i crawled into it

the only place

i've ever known

i remain

...

ad hoc.

2014-06-04T00:01:00.000-04:00

forever is

just a concept

an idea

the only things

that seem to last

are involuntary

clocks and calendars

are ornamental

because some minutes

feel longer than others

and time will end

for us

when there is no breath left

and as final as it seems

as dismal

depressing

and sad

it is what it is

the only fact

it doesn't matter

what we think tomorrow is

we are wrong

and as a thousand yesterdays

are forgotten

there is only one

today

...

crash.

2014-05-23T18:41:00.001-04:00

cracked windshields

and blood stained t-shirts

manufactured landscapes

with fake man-made

sunlight

we have a number

and a story

before we're old enough

to even read them

we're breathing poison

inhaling it

eating it

drinking it

seeing it

and hearing it

innocence has never

been an option

for any of us

papers with numbers

and deadlines

reminding us

that we'll never be free

and as our skin wrinkles

and our dreams fade

nothing will ever have

that new smell again

statements and forms

with official stamps

from the beginning

to the end

our birth

and death certificates

will bookend our lives

after working all day

on my feet in worn out shoes

i realized that i have developed

a slight limp

as i walk into the house

perhaps i never noticed

because in my head

i've had that limp

for years

...

vertigo.

2014-05-23T17:47:00.001-04:00

i'm falling in slow motion

and no one can catch me

and it's fine

losing my breath

and losing my

confidence

and i've been losing my mind

for a long time now

nothing but secondhand air

because i can't afford

anything new anymore

i can look you in the eyes

but i'm not the alpha

i once was

so it hurts a bit more

as i break mine

and stare at the floor

wondering how i ever

made it this far

or if it matters at all

i thought i knew better

but perhaps

i've never known

i live with the consequences

of my conscience

every minute

of every day

there is nowhere

to run and hide

and this place i'm in

is killing me

this is the price

of loving

of caring

of making mistakes

and sometimes

it's just not ok

...

filters.

2014-04-21T18:35:00.001-04:00

please stop me

from saying another

godforsaken word

mute me

if only for a moment

cleanse my breath

let me consider

you

let me reconsider

your brains are just as

intimidating

as your beauty is

and i'll tell you

everything

i'm not afraid

but i realize

that your ears may

not quite be

as welcoming

as your smile

give me poison

but please

don't take away

the reason

cleanse my blood

because i don't want you to know

that you have me

enslaved

biting my tongue off

and hiding my shaking hands

in wet pockets

thank you for

allowing me

to breathe

because i am quickly

forgetting how

i never know

when i've said too much

and there are grounds

in my coffee

...

burned in.

2014-04-03T01:22:00.001-04:00

all the hand downs

have been handed down

it was once a big house

built by someone

owned by someone else

it was once a beautiful house

to someone

now it's a slum

your story is nothing new

your pain is nothing new

your memories are now stained

by the trauma they caused

you didn't live

you survived

and now

it's all over your face

it's in your eyes

it's in your voice

it's in your love

and in your hate

you are one of many

with details that don't mean

anything

to anyone

but you

sometimes it just feels good

to get it out though

doesn't it

but then again

you wish you didn't say

anything

all the shame

all the regret

all the blame

that you wish would just

go away

and be forgotten

is now on your mind

even more

failed therapy

and you can feel

the minutes

and the days

falling off of you

as you sit in your dwelling

dwelling

it's been years

so many years

but no

it is tonight

...