Riding the Short Bus

Gone Girl

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 27 Jul 2015 07:35:00 +0000

Well not exactly gone girl, I may be a bitch at times but I'm not a psychotic bitch lol. Nevertheless I have been a bit of a gone girl from this blog. Time to change that, but first an explanation is due I suppose.

It was never my intent to just get up and leave this place behind, but as all writers know shit happens and often things like life interfere. But the inner writer in me has been itching to come back and at least explain my absence.

Those of you who have followed me over the years know I am a teacher, A special education teacher at that. A few years ago I began to really struggle with my desire to continue to teach to such an audience....many things caused these feelings....administration that simply wanted to get rid of my kids rather than deal with them, the unrealistic caseload, the paperwork!! ...the paperwork!! the PAPERWORK!!! I think you get that point. But the overwhelming reason is the non support from the good old boy administration that refused to deal with anything other than their own interests.

So I thought long and hard about it and decided I wanted out of that environment and away from THOSE people. I put in a request to make a move to another position, for reasons I will discuss in another post, I will not divulge what that position is....I wanted out so bad I literally said I'd scrub toilets if need be...I was that done!

My request was granted and I left for summer break thinking I was going to refresh and go back in the fall with a renewed vigor to teach. Then I got a phone call, "Would you consider another position instead?" I knew that it wasn't special education, and well I also knew that if I took it, my original position would go to someone who got laid off....unfairly laid off if you asked me....me being me accepted....and if I could have had a crystal ball and seen my future in that decision that day I should have said no.

To make a long story short, it was a job no one could tell me how it was supposed to be done, but certainly could tell me I wasn't doing it right. I was put in a position to fail and basically had to dig my feet in and proclaim YOU WILL NOT DEFEAT ME!

Needless to say it made for a nightmare year, which didn't renew my desire to teach...during this time I also quit going to therapy..not because I didn't think I needed it but because with my health insurance changes, I could afford the 4 hours a month she wanted to see me at $125 an hour, Now I agree that was probably the worst thing a clinically depressed person with PTSD should have done, Stupider was going off my meds, No therapy means no Meds and I didn't think my prick of a general practitioner would agree to fill them for me.

Well things went from bad to worse and by Christmas of that school year I was a complete mess, Still clinically depressed unmediated and had developed a hellacious anxiety disorder that completely paralyzed me in every aspect of my life. A few days after Christmas I made a appointment with my General Practitioner to get back on my meds and to address the anziety disorder. I was not completely sure he'd prescribe the meds for me and was ready to tell him I was checking myself into to psych ward of the local hospital if he didn't....was I suicidal?....as much as it pains me to say this ...yes...the only thing keeping me from it was the 4 people in my life that truly be forever wounded if I had. Yes I am sure there are more people than that, but they are the 4 that only mattered in that moment and that's all that mattered. I never had to tell him that though, one look at what a mess I was he immediately got out his prescription pad and wrote me a huge dose.

I'd be lying if I said I had no shame in having to need meds. But there is, I've come to the brutal truth that without them my demons will drive me to insanity....So I swallow that jagged little pill with some water every morning but I only allow myself to feel defeated for a nanosecond and give a pre verbal Fuck You to darkness as it begins to dissipate.

And so it goes...

I was gone before you cleared your throat

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 23:38:00 +0000

You told me I was a hurricane, once; sucking people up out of their lives like frogs from their cool, happy creek beds and dropping them, shaken, somewhere hopeful and bright.

You told me I felt as natural as rain, like soap on your damp body. You said I left you cool but sweet; I was proud of the traces of me on your skin.

You watched my eyes burn but didn't tell me I was beautiful. I forgot what to do when a man doesn't say that. Each day you cleared your throat and didn't say it

I blinked and began to believe I was gone. You called me a contradiction one day, pointing out in my hair the chewed pencil that held it, then breathing softly on the silver and diamonds embedded proudly in each of my ears.

You said I spoke like a shotgun at three in the morning after our talk left me pale and raw, and I envied your aim; your sharpshooter hand so steady it almost didn't hurt as I bled birdshot words.

You watched my eyes burn but didn't tell me I was beautiful.I forgot what to do when a man doesn't say that. Each day you blinked, cleared your throat and didn't say it drove me closer and closer to gone.

You watched my eyes burn. For you I was beautiful, but I'd forgotten what to do when a man says that. That day I didn't blink, and when you finally said it I was gone before you cleared your throat.

Some say........

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 28 Sep 2013 01:01:00 +0000

It's really amazing what time can accomplish. It can mend hearts, clear the mind and put things in perspective. Some say time heals all wounds, I am not sure that is completely true......it may put a band-aide on the weeping wounds but there are still little fractures that on a bad day begin to ooze with emotions and the the next thing you know you are right back to square one. The loneliness, pain, and angst of former trespasses that are felt deep in your gut. Time, yes it has a way of working on the soul, but not always as we hope. It's not what I'd hoped for

That's how you found my blog???

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 24 Aug 2013 07:28:00 +0000

Every once in awhile I look at some of the key words that lead people to my blog. Most of them don't surprise me,,,,short bus jokes, licking the windows on the short bus, special "ED" you get the picture.

However, I do have the occasional unusual key word pop up like the following:

Dr.suess= what the hell is this shit? I couldn't agree with you more!!! I've been asking myself this question since I was in Pre-K. Anyone whose regularly read my blog knows of my distain for Dr. Suess and his endless rambling of nonsensical words. Would it kill you to write some REAL WORDS Dr. Fruit Loops? Sorry my inner 3 year old rage came bubbling up for a minute there.

But I think the most interesting, yet completely disturbing keyword that popped up was : Massaging Testicles............humm, it's not that I'm against massaging of said Testicles, I just don't think I've ever discussed such acts on my blog....just not getting that key word connection....or maybe I drunk blogged something....ok off to check my post archives for some missing balls....

Throwback Friday

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 23 Aug 2013 05:57:00 +0000

With the school year fast approaching I thought I'd go retro and share with you part of a post I published a few years ago....(cira 2006 Yikes!) about a group of my students....at the time they were 7th graders, and graduated this past June....wow how the time flies! And just to make one thing clear, they are still as goofy, unpredictable, hillarious and well challenged!

Read on.......
So as I was saying life is always interesting in my room. It is amazing what you observe these kids doing when they "think" you are not listening or watching them. Last month we had oh let's see 8 or so days of state standardized testing, and well my kids don't do too well on them because they are written at grade level, which they are not working at. So they try to do their best and well fill the rest of the test session time with odd little actions, this is a list of just a few of the things I observed them doing while they should have been concentrating on their test:

70"s Boy tapping out the tune "Smoke on the Water" with his pencil on his desk, ya got to love a 13 year old who knows who Deep Purple is! Followed by his obsessive habit of rubbing his nipples when he becomes frustrated, what? At least it isn't something else!

Various antics by another student whom I fondly refer to as Creepy Boy. Why do I call him that? Because I have an uncontrollable obsession to shower off the creepy feeling he gives me daily. Anyway he took his pen and hooked the cap on his lower lip so that he could shove one end of it up his nose by moving his lower lip, another favorite of his, spraying his spit on the student seated in front of him, or taking his cd that the test was recorded on and spinning it like a top on the end of his pencil.

Then there are all my other students who are constantly asking me to explain the answers to them, ummm it's a test I can't help you ---helloooo.

The gum that comes out of the mouth and is stretched two feet in front of their face and somehow ends up all over their answer document, humm think that one might just get tossed because it gets stuck in the scantron.

The student who removed the batteries from their cd player and was putting the end on their tongue to see if they could get a shock, hummm do I tell them that, that trick only works on 9-volt batteries or do I let them go through life not knowing that nugget of information? hummmm decisions, decisions.

The students who think it's cool to play connect the dots with their answer documents in an attempt to recreate the image of a penis. And of course the student whom I have to proctor each answer for because they broke their hand one day into this testing session from hell.

But the winner of the gold star for this years most memorable "Special Ed" moment during standardized testing goes to 70"s Boy who somehow managed to flip himself out of his chair and land flat on his back during the middle of one testing session. Ok the sight of him laying on the floor with his legs straight up in the air was priceless, I am chuckling even now as I write this, but the kicker was his explanation of how he managed to accomplish such a feat---I was trying to swat a fly, damn must have been one big fly.

See told ya life is never boring in my classroom.

Happy 4th of July

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 04 Jul 2013 13:30:00 +0000

Happy 4th of July

Why don't you sharpen those cleats while you are at it!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 04 Jul 2013 13:20:00 +0000

Just Baseball???? I think not, at the least this is dirty and reckless playing, no matter what team is at the receiving end...

My Sunday Secret

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 24 Jun 2013 03:30:00 +0000

So I didn't actually send any of these secrets into Post Secret, but One of them is a secret I share....guess which one.............

He's alive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 24 Jun 2013 02:42:00 +0000

I love it when people come out of the woodwork, was so pleased to see BadVlad comment on my blog! Sorry it took me so long to see your comment Vlad but glad I did! I guess I need to be more attentive cuz I had like a zillion of other comments too....too bad they were all spam! Ugh!

My evolution as a blogger

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 13 Apr 2013 03:38:00 +0000

I've been blogging since 2005, and yes that seems like a lifetime in some ways. And as I look back on my presence in this world of self proclaimed writers I ponder how I've changed over the years. I definitely feel that I have blossomed as a writer, looking back at some of my older posts I am kind of amazed at the words that flowed on the page. Wait I wrote that......me?

But part of me is also a bit sad when I read those old post because they are filled with so much angst, and pain. I'll admit it I carry a lot of shit around, unresolved feeling, thoughts and some completely dark shit. I can't change that, I can only deal with it and the one way I deal with it is to write about it, and well take my meds lol.

So I'm onto the next phase of my blogging experience, continuing to dig deeper and peeling back the layers to get to the real stuff. The stuff that's buried deep in that abyss of my psyche that needs to be dealt with no matter how painful, raw and messy it might be.

Look who's back, back again

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 13 Apr 2013 03:11:00 +0000

Ok seriously I can't believe I haven't posted since my birthday. I am a pathetic blogger! Honestly my new job assignment this year is kicking my ass. This job is completely impossible and sucks every spare minute of time I have in life. In essence the past 7 months have been a compete FML experience. But I've decided fuck it and I'm taking some time for myself.......so Kat's back and she's going to be in rare form. Hold on for the ride bitches lol.

In Rememberance

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 26 Dec 2012 16:02:00 +0000

Today is my birthday, and no I'm not telling you how old I am.....but it is also a day of remembrance. It was 36 years ago on my birthday that the second victim of the Oakland County Child Killer was found. Jill Robinson was found lying in a snow bank on the side of a snowy shoulder of I-75 just north of 16 Mile Road. Jill was just 11 years old....too young to die....today and in all the years that have past since her death .....I light a candle for your soul Jill. My heart still breaks for the loss of your life....

Merry Christmas

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 24 Dec 2012 16:09:00 +0000

I wish everyone a very Happy Holiday! I am trying hard myself to relax and enjoy spending time with my family and friends......life is too short to stress about the stupid stuff like work....

Happy Thanksgiving.......and ummm

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 22 Nov 2012 14:11:00 +0000

First of all Happy Turkey Day to all my peeps, and if you decide to watch the traditional Thanksgiving Day football game with the Detroit Lions please enjoy the half time show featuring my boy Kid Rock........however if for some insane reason he decides to sing his new song Detroit, Michigan I implore you to please mute the TV!

Don't get me wrong I love, love love the Kid, however I will be the first to admit that that song is absolutely horrible, actually I think it's the worst song I've heard in a long time. It basically sounds like it was composed in like 5 minutes and without any care. It's simply torturous. Hopefully he'll give us some old school style Kid with his new song Cucci Galore....yeah it's about what you think, but what do you expect it's Kid Rock.

My Sunday Post Secret

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 18 Nov 2012 05:46:00 +0000

The Relinquishment

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 03 Nov 2012 06:29:00 +0000

“They’re not mine, well at least I don’t think so”. The baby girl barely old enough to walk, the boy just a year older, but wise beyond his years already. “Their Mother has run off and I've got three others to care for, I just can’t do it anymore”. He hastily scribbled his name and address on a crinkled receipt and handed it the woman at the church. There began their journey……both experiencing completely different lives, separate but still connected in a disjointed twist of fate…..both enduring their own pain, insecurities and traumas…….both surviving it all.

The road to a stable life was difficult at best, shuffled between temporary foster homes, each time being handed over to strangers whom you were told would take care of you. Some tried; others simply couldn't have given a shit about your well- being. Survival is the ultimate goal, don’t get attached.. not to anyone or anything at any cost.

The next time the man appears is in a court room before a judge…..”Do you relinquish your parental rights Sir?” The man lets out a long heavy audible sigh………”Well I never thought they were mine to begin with.” They say kids don’t understand what adults say at a young age……..I can tell you for a fact that isn’t true…..I can still hear those words ringing in my ears and the sound of a pen scribbling across crisp paper on a hard wooden table top. The words stinging like a final verbal slap in the face, one final attempt to add insult to injury. Couldn't you just pretend for thirty seconds that letting us go hurt you as much as it hurt us that you didn't want us?

And there began their journey………brother and sister by birth…..distant relatives by law……..never again the same.

No Yankees allowed

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 14 Oct 2012 00:01:00 +0000

This door hung in the clubhouse of the old Tiger Stadium....I so wanted to buy this when they tore down the stadium last year....

The Words...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 07 Oct 2012 06:32:00 +0000

I know you want to appear anonymous and for all too familiar reasons I can understand why. I get that you can't announce your presence, that this is how it has to be.....how it's supposed to be. I'll let you observe from afar as it is destined to be....but know this.... the few precious words you chose to scribble on paper will forever resound. They speak truth, and come from a place of endearment....for that I will forever be thankful.

My Sunday Secret

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 07 Oct 2012 06:20:00 +0000

I noticed my last post was number 666....I can't in my right mind leave that as my most recent post....
so here is my Sunday Secret

The intended

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 06 Oct 2012 06:04:00 +0000

It overcomes me at times, sometimes it’s a low familiarity, a smell, a song, a phrase. A memory that slowly creeps into the frontal lobe of my brain. Other times it’s a rush of emotions that wash over my very being, sending a wave of emotions that punches me straight in the gut, taking my breath away...tears welling, overflowing with the flood of sweet nostalgia.

The smell of fresh clean laundry…lavender and roses….the soft pile of the blanket trimmed with satin… cool to the touch…wrapped in warmth. Safe and secure…would it be untrue to say I remember the feeling of being swaddled, and that I long for that feeling just one more time.

Alas the memory is fleeting and moves from safety to uncertainty........this memory morphs into another time, another place….another emotion….no longer surrounded by safety….the feeling of losing something precious, never to be reclaimed. Stolen, ripped from my very soul.

Everything is now a blur….thoughts, emotions, feelings swirling around in my head all fighting for attention, demanding my acknowledgment, screaming to be heard. I can’t remember the time and place of that one distinctive event that changed me forever….but that does not mean it didn't occur…it did. That day every cell in my body was turned inside out and manipulated as every last drop of innocence was drained from my being........Today I choose to remember the sweet smell of lavender and the soft slippery feel of satin.......today I choose to remember my innocence.

How We Get Through the Hard Times

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 06 Oct 2012 04:00:00 +0000

...Today my boys play their first post season playoff game, and those of you who know me from my old blog, know what a baseball freak I am. See we love our Tigers in this ghetto town. I say we because we're all proud of the tradition of baseball here.

We are proud that history considers the 1915 Detroit Tigers to be the greatest team EVER-even though technically the winning percentages were better in 1934. We know of the healing that occurred, when our boys won it all in 68' a mere year after it seemed the whole town would burn to the ground amongst racial tensions and riots. We all remember that once upon a little league mound we talked to the ball hoping it worked as well for us as it did for The Bird. And as adults we still try to turn 2 while playing softball just like the greatest double play tandem of all time.

We all know where we were at exactly 7:41 PM on October 14, 1984 and we understood what tears of joy meant. We know the entire roster of the "Bless You Boys" and their batting averages during the 84' Series--The year that we WON it all with just a 3- man rotation...THAT'S RIGHT...a three man rotation. Unheard of by today's standards.

We know there is nothing more beautiful than that white old English "D" sitting atop your head on a hot Detroit summer day. We know the joy of being an underdog and fighting our way to the top in O6 and knocking the mighty Yanks down a few pegs along the way.

When we win titles, it's more than a celebration, it chaos, pandemonium and euphoria all rolled into one. Sure we all miss the corner of Trumbull and Michigan, that familiar Corktown where many of our fondest baseball memories originate. But hearing that Tiger growl and eyes light up after a Cabrera walk off home run helps to make up for it. This is our team, THIS IS MY TEAM, and good or bad we love you just the same....Good Luck this year Boys, this city needs a winner more than ever. Do us Proud. I am Kat and I am proud to say I will always be a Tiger.

And So it Goes.....

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 26 Aug 2012 19:29:00 +0000

Emotions are a jagged little pill, and it boggles my mind how they can lead to so much angst in my attempt to understand them. Keeping them in check only adds insult to injury as those around you just don’t get that you are trying to let your emotions explain your true feeling and that you aren’t trying to let them run amuck.

So you store them away in that secret box kept hidden somewhere deep in your soul……..

It’s just that your heart and mind can’t begin to fathom the true depth and intensity of the feelings that are hidden away in that secret box. It’s the place where your love for a child dwells, but it is also a dark place, where you store pure hatred, the deep abyss where all those intense feelings live and are stored, because if turned loose they would be in such pure, raw, uncontrollable form that even the sanest of minds wouldn’t be able to manage them. And so it goes another mask is added to the collection…and you’re the only one who knows.

The beauty of life....the good, the bad and especially the Ugly

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 23 Aug 2012 06:01:00 +0000

I am fed up. Fed up of second guessing, of walking on eggshells for supposed friends, of censoring my thoughts in case it might offend the easily offended, of not being true to myself because they are afraid to lose control over me, and holding back for the sake of others who are faint of heart. You can't please everyone, isn't that how the saying goes?

To have a blog and to have such personal thoughts out there for anyone to see. Why?

I believe in the beauty in life. At its happiest and darkness moments. "It's such a mysterious place, the land of tears." One that we rarely get a glimpse of and if we are lucky enough to, those who can appreciate it will see the power in such raw emotions, unfiltered. I believe that life isn't just captured on a movie screen, after being carefully edited and airbrushed. It is made more real by those courageous enough to bare their souls, to let the world see that here, this is it, and there is nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing to be embarrassed about in sadness, simple joy, quandary, or misdirection.

Mistakes will always be made. They are an essential part of growing. But to hide them and tuck them away like it is something wrong is such a shame. To acknowledge them is so much more empowering, so much more graceful. I think art imitates life.

I think the biggest weakness in man is pride and our greatest strenght is honesty.

My first Celebrity Follower on Twitter

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 23 Aug 2012 05:15:00 +0000

Well at least to me..................I got an email saying I had a new follower on Twitter. Admittedly I followed Griffin first, I wanted a heads up when he might be coming back to the ghetto to do a show in the future and thought If I followed him that'd be a good way to know. I didn't expect him to follow back.

If you don't know who Griffin House is, you are missing out on a great artist. I was introduced to Griffin's music about 5 years ago by a dear friend and have been a huge fan ever since. His songs lament his struggles with relationships, love, drugs and his faith. I had the pleasure of seeing Griffin in concert one cold February night a few years ago and I was truly impressed with his humble persona. (And when I say a cold February Night I mean lit was below zero! )

During the intermission I went out to the foyer of the the cozy theater in which he performed that night to see if he was selling his latest Cd which I hadn't yet purchased. There I found a a little table with some shirts and Cd's for sale. I asked the volunteer running the table how much the Cd's were as there wasn't a price tag or sign stating the price. His response was ...".Mr. House will accept whatever you can afford"...........I was simply taken back by the statement.. and promptly pulled out a twenty dollar bill out of my purse and purchased a CD. It was the best $20 I 'd spent in a long time.

The show that night was far from sold out, but I suspect the weather had a lot to do with that, however it didn't matter. It was an intimate, raw and heartfelt performance none the less. My only regret was that I wasn't able to stick around after the show to convey my appreciation for his performance that night.....but hey it was a school night and I had to teach bright and early in the morning. So click the link to his website below and give him a listen and let me know what you think....

Griffin House

@GriffinHouse

www.facebook.com/griffinhouse

Nashville, TN · http://www.griffinhousemusic.com

Following: 2369 · Followers: 4523

Hometown Pride

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 18 Aug 2012 00:54:00 +0000