calm crazy

The Question I Need to Answer

noreply@blogger.com (Amanda) — Thu, 24 Jan 2013 13:13:00 +0000

A wonderful friend of mine said something to me once that really caught my attention. I was having a hard time and she said, "Mandi, I know you are a private person, but you can always share with me." And I probably didn't respond to it the way a person should at the time because I was caught up in these five words: you are a private person. Really? How could that be even remotely right? I have a blog, for cryin' out loud! I'm on Facebook. I'm a private person? Ha! How could that possibly be so?

You know what, though? She was right. It's taken me about three years to come to that conclusion, but she was. It's not exactly that I don't share with people, though. It's that I don't share deeply. There is a part of myself that I keep locked up in a little box and shoved into a remote corner of the cleaning closet in my brain. Most of what's in there isn't really pleasant. My shames, my fears, my insecurities, my angers...all the things that make me feel vulnerable. The idea of being vulnerable to someone is just unbearable. Yes, there are many reasons for that; no, I'm not going to detail them out right now.

Why won't I share? Because the idea that some of you reading this would roll your eyes at those reasons and think, "Wow. Holy white-girl-first-world-problems, lady. Get a damn grip." makes me want to curl up into a ball and fall in a hole. That's why. (I think it's safe to say that my defensiveness is in that box too. Mostly. Apparently it can escape. Ha!)

It's not just the negatives, though. I'm like this with the things that make me happy, as well. The moments I cherish most very rarely see the light of day. It's not that I don't appreciate them. It's that I feel protective of them. I don't want my shiny moments seen through the tarnished lenses of others. You know that Eleanor Roosevelt quote about nobody being able to make you feel inferior without your permission? I've never been able to get behind that one. It doesn't matter how happy I am about something; if someone poo-poos all over it, it affects me. I don't think I will ever understand the need that some people have to cut down the happiness of those around them. I find joy is some really small things, I know; that doesn't make me ridiculous or silly. I'm just simple-hearted.

I love to write. I mean, I love it with a blind effin' passion. It's hard to do that, though, when you are suppressing the uglies and protecting the lovelies. Do you know what I mean? Great writing requires depth, and I'm only allowing myself the expression of what is in the middle. There's a beauty to that too, but it's not the type to which people truly respond. And if I'm not expressing things here that people can really connect with, then what's the point?

Always learning

noreply@blogger.com (Amanda) — Thu, 19 Jul 2012 09:22:00 +0000

Good idea: Toy boxes with lids. Containing kid-clutter is always a good thing.

Great idea: Litter boxes with lids. Not having to look at cat poo is awesome.

Horrible idea: Having those two items in the same room. Ask me how I know.

Sigh. Good thing she's cute.

Newest family member! Meet Miss Sylvie!

Who needs fingernails, anyway?

noreply@blogger.com (Amanda) — Tue, 17 Jul 2012 13:41:00 +0000

After dropping the two middle kids off at school this morning, I decided to take the bookend kids on a walk with the dog. We have some great walking paths around our village and the weather was beautiful this morning! So we threw on some jackets and shoes and headed down the road. Isn't it pretty? I love living here.

This was Izzy's first time 'walking' Fiona and he absolutely loved it. Is there anything more wonderful than a boy and his dog?

I wish I could say that we finished our walk and came home to do something artsy. Wouldn't that be nice? If I had a fun little tutorial on how to sew bean bags or paint rocks or something? Yeah, that's not how things go around here. Y'all remember that about us, right?

About three minutes after I snapped this pretty little scene, Izzy stepped off the side of the path and fell. (Fiona did not knock him down or drag him--'twas momma's genes that got him on this.) It wasn't that bad of a spill, in all honesty; unfortunately, he was holding the leash when it happened. His finger got trapped underneath and he ended up ripping off half his fingernail. I, of course, had no bandages, wipes, or tissues on me. Nothing, nada, zilch.

To further muck things up, we were at almost exactly the half-way point in our walk. Isn't that always how it goes? It can't happen right at the beginning or right at the end, when you are at the closest points to your house (where all your first aid supplies are). No, it's always got to be at that moment when you round the outermost corner. (Why is that?!) So we 'caught' Fiona (I say 'caught' because she was sitting just a few feet away from us with a, "Hey guys? Someone dropped my leash" look on her face.) and headed back to the house.

When we were just a block from the house I sent Sam ahead so that he could gather up the first aid kit and have it waiting. Halfway there, Fiona ducked out of her leash--and came running straight back to me. Her thoughts were written quite plainly across her face: Someone in my herd is hurt! How dare that woman send me away when they so clearly need my presence?! Forget about all these cars on the street--I need to get to my boy!

We finally arrived back at the house and tended to Izzy's finger. He was highly upset about the blood but lots of love, a couple band-aids, and an entire season of Ninjago later, all was right in his world again. Ahhh, to be young again! (See? He's okay!)

How's the week treating the rest of you?

101/1001 Finale

noreply@blogger.com (Amanda) — Fri, 13 Jul 2012 12:40:00 +0000

How about a 101 in 1,001 update?

(Why, hello! Fancy seeing you here!)

Tuesday (10 July 2012) marked the end of my 1,001 days. I have to say...it went fast. I didn't finish near the amount I thought I would (only 39%--ouch!). I would like to point out, however, that we had an unexpected move from California to Germany which took place roughly 12 months after we moved from Germany to California. The planning for those two moves (one of which required us to leave the military) took a huge chunk out of my 1,001 days!

Some of the things I did accomplish:

#7: Money to charity for foreign children. I now regularly donate money to Reece's Rainbow. (I've mentioned this charity a few times on this blog--and I try to advocate for them once a month on my personal FB page. I also keep a link to their site here on my blog. Do I make a huge difference? No. But I do what I can.)

#11: Family Recipe Book. "Accomplished" is a strong word; we are in the midst of doing this now. We are trying new recipes, tinkering with old ones, and finalizing everything just exactly how we like them. The whole family is really enjoying the process.

#36: Paris! (Um...apparently I never did a Paris post? That links to the one and only photo I posted onto the blog from that trip. Yikes!)

#96: Grow hair past shoulders again. I grew it all the way to the small of my back--and then I chopped 20 inches off and donated it to Locks of Love. I didn't realize I had enough to make TWO donations--yes, that made me ridiculously happy!

Some things I did NOT accomplish:

#1: Gift $20 to 5 random people. I don't know why I never did this. I think it's because it was one that was so 'easy' that I just kept putting it off. I still want to do this one!

#25: Update will. *hangs head in shame*

#43: Family photo. Oh, I don't even know what to say here. It's awful. Our last (aka, "only") family photo was done in 2002. We've had two kids since then. Yikes!

#63: Stop cussing for a week. I'm sorry, y'all. This just isn't ever going to happen. I've made my peace with it.

#99: Enter and "win" NaNoWriMo. I did attempt this and, while I did not technically "win", I learned so much about myself in the process that I didn't feel like it was necessary to attempt again. It was a great experience for me and I highly recommend it to others with an interest in writing.

So there you have it. The end of my 101 in 1,001 project. (See here if you really want to look at my whole list.) I could have done better; I could have done worse! I don't plan to do it again but I am working on a 'Bucket List'. I kind of like having a for-real written list of big goals and dreams!

Do you have your goals and dreams written down? How do you stay focused on the things you want to do? What is on your 'Bucket List'?

Last week I lost my 10-year-old. Twice.

noreply@blogger.com (Amanda) — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 11:27:00 +0000

It was an eventful week. What can I say?

The first time was on Tuesday. Jake accidentally took the bus home instead of coming out to the parking lot to meet me. He has this story about his friends pulling him onto the bus by his backpack. (Really, Jake? This is what we're going to go with?) He was struggling and everything. (I strained my eyes rolling them during this portion of the story.) He just.couldn't.get.away. (Ha ha hahaha!)

The second time was Thursday. That was the day I officially hit 72 pounds lost. Yep. Since July, I have lost the weight of a fourth grader. Crazy, right?

I had intended to 'go public' with my weight loss when I made the 50 lb mark. When I got there, however, I chickened out. When you've been significantly overweight for a long time, people get used to you always being on some kind of diet. Whether it's a program like Weight Watchers, a 'plan' like South Beach, or simply counting calories...many of the people in your life tend to become immune to your attempts. And, as frustrating as that is, I can understand it. I can't tell you how many times I lost 20 lbs on some plan only to gain it back (with interest, of course!) when I got burnt out or bored. So I kept putting it off until I felt like the weight loss was real.

I have accomplished most of the weight loss using a meal replacement plan but I think I would have been successful with any approach this time. From April until July I spent my time in a place called "rock bottom". I was not in a good place and it was just not getting any better. (I even sent in an application to be on a weight loss show. I made it two rounds in, which was kind of neat! Then I got cut and that wasn't quite as neat. I wasn't truly a sad panda, however, until I found out that Ty Pennington is one of the people who works on the show. I love me some Ty.) Anyway--I think I have just had that switch flipped. I am absolutely ready to lose this weight and willing to do whatever it is that needs to be done to get rid of it.

If you've been around awhile, you might have noticed that I don't make many appearances in the picture portion of my blog. I think I'm ready to nudge my way out into the open. It's been about a year since I posted anything weight-loss related here and there's a reason for that--I started gaining weight. And a lot of it. Here's the picture I've been using as my "before" picture. I had actually lost about eight pounds when this picture was taken but it's the closest thing I have that works. (When compared to the picture of me in the sidebar, the weight gain is pretty obvious.)

And here is my current picture. Jason snapped this for me this morning before he left for work. (Forgive the photo quality. It's the same camera as above but indoor photos don't come out quite as well.) I am at my lowest weight in about eight years.

I still have a long way to go, but I am very happy with my progress. I am currently struggling a little, but I have faith that I'm going to push through it. I'll probably be sharing a little more about that next week.

Looking for a Home Sweet Home

noreply@blogger.com (Amanda) — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 09:40:00 +0000

Let's talk a little bit about finding a place to live, shall we?

We've been in country now for more than six weeks. I couldn't even begin to guess how many places we have called trying to find a home. We called realtors, home owners, the housing office, current tenants...it took us five weeks to even get an appointment to see a place! I've heard a bunch of people say that they had to look at 20+ houses before they found the right one--man, I wish we had that problem. We have been inside of three houses since we arrived. That's it.

About two weeks ago we found a house on the housing site that we thought would be perfect. We e-mailed and called the landlord (he is American and lives in the states) and he said he would forward our information to the tenants. He claimed that we were the first on the list and that they were planning to let us see the house the following Monday. Great! We kept looking around but we both figured that we would be taking that house. It was very close to base, big house, lots of room--pretty much just what we were looking for.

Sunday rolls around and we still haven't heard from the tenants. We e-mail the landlord and ask if we should go ahead with the time he had told us for the next day or what? He tells us that the tenants are very busy right now and that we should just wait for them to have the time to let us see the house. It could be awhile.

Um...really? They don't move out of the house for another six weeks. They can't take 20 minutes out of their day to show us around the house and hand us a lease agreement? We've PCS'd from Germany before so we know how it is--and I'm telling you, they aren't that busy.

It was at about that point that we started to sour on this house. (Well, on the landlord anyway. It's not the house's fault it has a &%*$& owner.) We didn't cut things off with him but we did start to look a little harder for a house. The very next day he e-mails us again: Oh, hey. My bad. Someone else called before your initial call and left a message on the voicemail. It was only fair to show them first since they called first. The tenants showed them the house already and they took it. (I might point out that our initial call was also a voicemail. I guess he didn't listen to them all the first night? What-freakin'-ever.)

Question: Does that strike anyone else as a jerk move? Because I really think poorly of him over the way that he dealt with this situation--if that is indeed what happened, which I totally doubt. I'm pretty sure that what he's saying really translates to one of two things: either someone else just showed up and knocked on the door and the tenants decided to just get it over with OR someone called after us and offered the landlord extra money if he bumped them to the top. Is that jaded thinking? Sorry. It's been a little frustrating having none of our calls returned, realtors who are RUDE and just hang up on you, and just dealing with the overall lack of housing of the type that we're looking for. It's hard to maintain that eternally optimistic glow under the circumstances--especially since I'm not an optimist to begin with! Ha!

We did see a house last week (like, we saw the actual inside of it!) and it looks like we are going to get this one. We think. We hope. Family and friends think we're moving into a different house (Surprise! We're not!) but at the very last minute we decided that it wasn't a good fit for our family. We still have about six weeks before we have to move and we decided that we didn't want to settle for an 'okay' house when we still had more time to look. I didn't update my personal FB page about that because, quite frankly, I had been whining about the house-hunting situation for awhile and figured that they all needed a break!

So yeah. To recap: house hunting in Germany sucks. And now you know.

We are in Germany!

noreply@blogger.com (Amanda) — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 11:03:00 +0000

I still have days when I can't believe I can type out that sentence again. Didn't I just write this post yesterday? Okay, maybe it was the day before that... Seriously. Walking off that plane (*cough* six weeks ago *cough*) was absolutely surreal. We flew directly into Ramstein Air Base and it did not appear that all that much had changed. To top it off, we're staying in a temporary house that is literally two streets over from our last home in Germany. I told Jason that it might take me a month to forget that we were ever in California to begin with--and I wasn't wrong. As hard as it is to wrap my brain around the fact that we're back, our time in California already seems like a distant dream.

Obviously I have some updates to post. Jason is out of the Air Force now and that has proven to be a huge change. If you have any specific questions about the transition process, please feel free to ask away. I'll be updating about that and some of the reactions to our news--not everyone was pleased or kind about this change in our life.

I have three kids in school now! Zander started Kindergarten once we arrived here and he is doing great. Sam and Jake are doing the Sam and Jake thing. (This is my way of protecting their privacy--they are really too old for me to blog about in detail. They will make appearances here, but it will be 'approved-by-Sam/Jake' type appearances. Just to be clear. I don't think I've ever specified that before.) I, however, am completely overwhelmed with the amount of homework there is to keep track of. Just, wow! It's crazy.

I started back to school myself last month. Don't ask me what I was thinking because I do not know. I'm an idiot. I'm taking two upper level classes this month and -- crap. It is a lot of work. The positive to this is that I'm actually taking classes that have to do with my degree (emergency management), and that makes things a little better. At least it's interesting!

I am doing really well on the weight loss front. I'm not ready to say more yet for a variety of reasons, but I'm really happy with my progress.

I think those are pretty much all the lose ends I left dangling! If I missed something, feel free to bring it to my attention. It's been a crazy few months and I wouldn't be surprised if something slipped through the cracks. Despite not being quite settled yet (it looks like we have another three weeks until we move into a house of our own) I think I am back to stay now. Crazy as things are, they have started to settle into that calm crazy that our family knows and loves.

Tad-a-poles and Fwogs

noreply@blogger.com (Amanda) — Tue, 28 Jun 2011 00:15:00 +0000

If you've "liked" the Calm Crazy Facebook page (yes, shameless plug) then you already know that we've been caring for some tadpoles here at the house. Sam, our 14-year-old, brought some up from the creek a little over a week ago and the little kids went completely ga-ga over them. We've had near constant talk of "tad-a-poles" and "fwogs" ever since. I never knew how much fun a project like this could be; I have to admit to being completely charmed by the whole thing.

The tadpoles' habitat used to be in a much smaller tupperware container but we found this great plastic container while we were cleaning out our closet this weekend--you know, in preparation for 'The Big Move Part Zwei'. Last night Sam ran down to the creek to get more 'crick muck' (I type out 'creek' here on the old blog but the Hoosier in me thinks 'crick' every single time) and then we dumped our five original tad-a-poles into the new and improved version.

At one point during the evening I managed to get Zander and Izzy to sit still long enough to take a little video of them talking about the whole thing. Right before the start of the video I told them to tell me what they were looking at, but the rest is pretty much all them. The video is pretty cute (obviously I'm a bit biased) and just over a minute long. But really. I dare you to watch this thing and not smile.

I think I've thanked Sam about 50 times for coming up with this idea. It probably would never have occurred to me that these two would enjoy it this much. And, I have to say, Jason and I like it too. There are all kinds of little bugs and things in that water. It's really neat to watch. We've got our own little ecosystem in that box.

Have you ever raised tadpoles? What kinds of science projects have you done with your kids?

And After the World's Longest Drumroll...

noreply@blogger.com (Amanda) — Fri, 24 Jun 2011 14:11:00 +0000

Finally! I can share our big news.

Four months ago our family was presented with an opportunity to make a huge shift in our life. We weren't sure if we were going to do it at first. It's ridiculous. It's crazy. It is--well, I'm sure there are some people who are going to think we're nuts. Honestly, we think we're a little nuts too. Regardless, after weeks of debate with each other and hours (and hours) of consultation with people we trust, we are taking the plunge.

The news: Jason is separating from the Air Force and accepting a civilian position with the government. He starts terminal leave on 1 July--which means that our days as a "military family" are officially numbered! And that number? It's pretty freakin' low. We are truly, extraordinarily excited--and scared to death!

The process of applying and getting accepted for this job was long and arduous. The uncertainties with the government budget have come into play a couple of times as well, further complicating matters. I wanted to shout all this from the rooftops weeks ago, but we have been trying to wait until things solidified a bit. I've stayed away from blogging a bit because this is, literally, all we've been able to talk about for weeks. (And, by way of apology, I truly did not mean for this to get dragged out as it has! We thought we would be able to announce two weeks ago but someone didn't push some paperwork as quickly as they should have and things stalled out for a bit. It's all good now though.)

Oh wait...did I mention where the job is? I didn't? Yeah. It's in Germany. We will be heading back sometime in August!

Deep Thoughts and the Great Cherry-lanche of 2011

noreply@blogger.com (Amanda) — Tue, 14 Jun 2011 23:40:00 +0000

It's hard for me to believe sometimes, but I have been out of the work force for eight years now. When I separated from the Air Force I had zero intention of staying home. I worked at the kids' daycare for about five months and then took a temporary contracting job on the base, hoping that it might eventually turn into a permanent job. I hadn't been in that job two months when we received our orders for Germany. (We got the notice for orders less than an hour after we put an offer in on a house. Fun, right?)

Finding a job for my career field in Germany is a difficult thing when you don't have a degree. I went to a job fair not too long after we arrived and one of the HR people told me that if I had been Jason's AFSC he would have hired me in an instant--but because of the agreements in place with the German government there would be a problem hiring me with my lack of degree. (There are/were ways around that for high-demand/hard-to-fill jobs, but it wasn't worth jumping through hoops for a career field as prolific as mine. It sucked but I understood.)

So the decent-paying jobs were out. The odd job that I was qualified for didn't pay enough to cover day care in Germany. We ran the numbers six ways to Sunday and it kept coming out the same way: I would have literally brought home less than $100/month when you subtracted daycare and other work-related costs. Jason's work schedule was going to be unpredictable and brutal, making 'family time' something of a rarity. It just wasn't worth it for us. After hours and hours of discussion Jason and I decided that I would stay home for the duration of our time there, taking care of the kids and attending school while I was there. (We also decided that we would have another kid and that I would stay home with all the kids until the youngest went to school, but that is a whole different post.)

Lately I have wondered just how badly this time "off" is going to hurt my ability to find a job when the time comes to pack all these rugrats off to school and do something productive with my time. What are my future prospective employers going to think when they see that I took 10 years (give or take) off to lie on the couch and eat bon-bons all day? At the upper end of my 30s, am I going to be unemployable and obsolete? It sometimes keeps me up at night.

Then I have days like yesterday. I don't think I have mentioned it here but the degree I am working toward is in Emergency Management. I would love to someday work for Red Cross or FEMA. My dad has told me before that he can't think of better job experience for disaster preparedness and response than managing a house with four boys. Most days I just laugh; yesterday I kind of agreed with him. I'm getting great on-the-job training. Here's my latest resume bullet:

Single-handedly saved an individual...

...from a massive landslide...

...brought about by an undeniable force of nature.

Man, let me tell you. There is never a dull moment in this house!

This is NOT a Dead Space!

noreply@blogger.com (Amanda) — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 20:47:00 +0000

Really, really HUGE things are on the horizon for this family. Please, please bear with me while we navigate through the finalizations over the next couple of weeks. I should be able to give a real update here within the next week, letting you all know what insanity we're about to do. You will understand my lack of ability to post when we make the announcement, I think! It's all we talk about right now.

In the meantime, you can guess if you like! Unless you are one of the people In the Know...you guys are NOT allowed to "guess". Danny, Melanie, and Denise--this means you! Ha ha ha!

Needs More Protein?

noreply@blogger.com (Amanda) — Wed, 25 May 2011 03:43:00 +0000

Some of my favorite family memories aren't seen--they're heard! Here's a snippet I caught from around the corner earlier this afternoon.

Jason (voice slightly higher than normal): Izzy! Don't put that spider in your mouth!

Izzy (in a long suffering, resigned voice): Okay dad.

***

What funnies have you heard around your house lately?

Hello Neglected Internet Friends!

noreply@blogger.com (Amanda) — Tue, 24 May 2011 04:08:00 +0000

Around these parts a quiet blog typically means that things in our house are quite a bit more crazy than calm. Sometimes I'm busy, sometimes I'm trying to not bring a ton of negativity to this space, and sometimes we're dealing with decisions that just don't need to be hashed out in such a public arena; right now we have a little bit of all that going on.

We'll start with the busy. It's the end of the school year and all you moms and teachers out there know how crazy that is. There are projects and tests and field trips and parties and all sorts of other nonsense (times two!--I keep trying to remind myself to enjoy it because next year it will be times three!). Tonight I realized that one of Jake's school projects fell through the cracks--it was due today (Monday) and we haven't even started it yet. Let's hear it for awesome mom organization! Sigh.

Moving on.

The Negative Nancy moments are coming hard and fast right now. Jason is back on night shift. Night shift equals me spending several hours alone four nights a week. Me spending hours alone with only my own thinks to keep me company equals a whole lotta trouble. I wish that weren't the case, but it is. I'm trying to not bring all that to this space and that means that I am avoiding blogging in general right now. I'm working on some projects, though; hopefully I will be able to keep my brain gainfully employed very soon.

We also still have a couple of "not for the blog" type discussions going on. One in particular has been going on for about six months and we're about to hit critical mass with a decision. I know it's kind of a party foul to tease you with it--that really isn't my intent--but it's a huge part of why this space is so dark right now. We could use some positive thoughts and prayers about it if you are so inclined. I promise I will let you in on it soon, either way.

***

And that is my update for now. I need to get caught up on reading some blogs--I have been neglecting my bloggy friends! To make up for it I am going to have a giveaway this week. Stay tuned; I hope you will play along!

Uncle Nathan's Big Surprise

noreply@blogger.com (Amanda) — Tue, 17 May 2011 04:13:00 +0000

Want to know how a 25-year-old man cemented the title of "Best Uncle Ever"? You might think that getting all four of his nephews (plus sister, brother-in-law, and father) into Disney Land for free might do it. I do believe that would have been enough. Nate being Nate, however, prescribes to the adage: Go big or go home. Getting the boys into Disney wasn't enough for him. No, no...he had to do--more.

Did you know that Disney has a Jedi Academy? The Jedi Master in brown may or may not be a friend of Nate's. How freakishly awesome is that?

Turns out, they pull kids right out of the crowd to train in the ways of the Jedi. Sam, Jake, and Zander were all picked. Here is Jake at the beginning of training. He is quite serious.

That kid in the bottom left corner? You may be able to figure out by his hair that it's Zander. He's supposed to be listening to the lesson but he spent some serious time trying to attach the light saber to his shorts.

This came back to bite him in the butt a little later. He was the (only) recipient of (repeated) remedial Jedi training throughout the lesson.

Jake was in heaven. The smiles on all three boys' faces during instruction were priceless. The kids (there were around 20 in all) did great, following the directions of the Master Jedi and copying their every move. I really thought we were going to go home and hear about nothing but the training they were able to do, the moves they had learned...

...but I was so wrong. We heard about a lot more than that! Can you believe that Darth Vader came right out of the ground?! This event was made 1000 times better for the simple fact that we had no idea it was going to happen! So incredible!

Do you remember, though, how I mentioned that Zander was just a wee bit on the overwhelmed side all day? At the appearance of Darth Vader, we started watching Master Z for signs of cracking. He was nervous but the crack didn't actually happen until the next act...I have to say, I might have cracked too.

Don't worry. Nate's friend pulled Zander from the group right away and brought him back to us. He had a blast with the training but by then was fully ready to return to the safety of the 2-inch space between mom and dad. (I kid. He was fine as soon as he knew he didn't have to fight them. That doesn't sound as funny though, does it? Oh well. Such is life.)

Here's Jake being confronted by Darth Vader. "Join me on the dark side, young Jedi."

Jake wasn't interested. Poor Darth Vader. Jake held his own. He was also able to fight Darth Maul but I didn't get any decent pictures of that. (Sam fought Darth Maul as well. I did not have a good angle to take pictures of Sam during this whole thing; my dad took several great ones. I was going to take them off his Facebook page but couldn't get it figured out.)

The two Darths fought the children--er, I mean Jedi--and then retreated after being soundly defeated. Not after issuing several dire sounding, empty threats, of course. We all know how those bad guys roll.

There was a graduation ceremony after the great fight but there are too many identifiable children in the shot to post it here. All three boys have a neat little certificate to go with their memories of the day, though. So much fun! And there you have it. How one man became the World's Best Uncle in the course of a single day! How often do kids get to live out their dreams like this? So neat!

Visit in Anaheim, Part I

noreply@blogger.com (Amanda) — Mon, 16 May 2011 05:30:00 +0000

Two weeks ago our family traveled down to Anaheim. You see, we've been back in the states for nearly nine months but we hadn't been able to swing a visit with my dad yet. He was in Anaheim for business and since it's so much closer to drive the 10 hours it takes to get there--as opposed to the 20+ hours it takes to get to El Paso--we decided to make a long weekend of it.

Here's dad with Jake and Zander on the first night. (Yes, Zander is wearing my glasses. Ignore how that suddenly makes him look more like his momma!)

This is the best "group" shot we could get the first night. Izzy was a little stand-offish at first. I'm not sure if it was the new people or the long car ride that did him in, but he came around the next day.

My brother Nate, who lives in the area, managed to get us into Disney Land for free. Yes. All seven of us (not including Izzy as he's free anyway). How awesome is my brother? Uncle Nate took quite the shine to Zander--and vice versa, I assure you. He (Nate) kept telling us that the two of them had more hair together than the rest of us combined. He may have something there.

A picture of my baby brother without a million kids hanging from him. I love him!

One of the better group shots from D-Day (Disney Day). Jason and I thought that Izzy would be the wild card but we were wrong. Although he's still only two, Izzy did great! Poor Zander was completely overwhelmed, though. Disney Land is a big difference from the relative quiet of German and Sierra Nevada foothills living that he's been used to. In this picture, Zander is looking up the exit stairs of the Swiss Family Robinson Treehouse. I think he was concerned that he was going to have to go back up there. (He was NOT a fan.)

Jason and I took the two older kids to Disney World (Orlando, FL) in 2002, but we haven't had another Disney experience since. I'll admit: we weren't overly enthusiastic about this idea; however, it was fantastic! We all had so much fun. (Even Zander came around. It was the next day, but he did come around!)

Through his friend, Nate was able to treat the three older kids to a really spectacular surprise. I will share more about that tomorrow. It was so neat that it deserves its own post!

Mother's Day Lesson

noreply@blogger.com (Amanda) — Mon, 09 May 2011 05:58:00 +0000

I don't like Mother's Day. (Well, hello there. What a nice first sentence back, eh?) It's not a bitter "I don't like" such as those anti-Valentine's Day sentiments you sometimes hear. I even enjoy bits and pieces of it. I just don't like the pressure of all that attention. Is that weird? I'm pretty sure it is.

Growing up, there was a lot of pressure to get holidays and special occasions right. There was an elaborate plan and there were high expectations: Everyone had a role to play, lines to say, and appearances to uphold. I probably don't have to tell you that there was a 100% fail rate. It was stressful and I don't know if I will ever completely get over it. I feel this way about all holidays to a certain extent but the worst are the ones where the attention turns to me. I face the day with dread, knowing beyond certainty that I will never be able to act and react in the ways expected of me.

This is all internal, of course. Self-induced torture. And decidedly unfair to my kids. I should be able to just enjoy the--my--day without being a mass of nerves. I should be able to let them, and Jason too, make a big deal about me without feeling...selfish and wrong. I need to remember this. It's an important lesson, I think.

***

Other, good, things I want to remember about the day:

Sam walked four miles this morning to buy me flowers while I slept in. They were from everyone, but Jason didn't want to leave and have me wake up to an empty house. Sam was so proud that he picked the flowers out himself.

Jake made me a magnet and a card at school. The magnet is classic Jake, stick figures on a baseball field with his family in the stands. He is, of course, at bat.

In the spirit of being real, Zander was a true pill bug today. He gave out hugs and kisses aplenty, but there were several tantrums today. Eh. He's four--and a passionate four, at that. I wouldn't trade this kid for any of a trillion others.

Cuddling with Izzy after his nap may have been my favorite moment of today. Sitting with him in my arms I took in the sweet lines of his face; the rounded curve of his cheek, his upturned nose, and his bowed lips. I know from experience that someday soon I will wake up to find that he's turned into a little boy overnight. I want to remember always the way his little arms feel when he's hugging my neck.

***

I don't know how my kids are going to remember this Mother's Day, but these are the things I'm hoping to take with me from the day. Did you learn anything this Mother's Day? I hope you all had a great weekend.

Calling all Facebookers

noreply@blogger.com (Amanda) — Wed, 27 Apr 2011 20:24:00 +0000

Is Facebookers even a word?

Anyway. I am going to try out a Facebook page. If it works, great! If it doesn't--well, at least I tried. So if you are a reader of this here blog and you are interested in "liking" it on Facebook, please go here. If you have a Facebook page for your own blog, please let me know so I can "like" you back.

Guest Post at My Camo Colored Life

noreply@blogger.com (Amanda) — Tue, 26 Apr 2011 13:36:00 +0000

I have a guest post over at My Camo Colored Life. Maranda is in the middle of moving and asked a few people to help her out while she's getting settled. (And it looks like Murphy found her--she and her little girl are both sick! I hope you two feel better soon, Manna!)

Since she is expecting her second child--and first boy--my post is all about, well, penises.

Go check it out! Poke around while you are over there, too. Maranda is one of my favorite bloggers. I think you'll like her too.

It's (Not) a Boy Thing

noreply@blogger.com (Amanda) — Tue, 19 Apr 2011 08:39:00 +0000

Jason and I are asked many questions about our family. A family of six tends to be attention grabbing; add on the fact that all four children are boys and people lose all self control. They just can't help but ask us what it's like. We don't mind, as long as the questions are polite. (You'd be amazed--or maybe you wouldn't--how rude people can be.) The question I love the most is one that isn't asked often: What is your favorite thing about having four boys?

One of the aspects that is most interesting about all our children being the same gender is that we get to truly see how different they are. I think we are able to appreciate how each of their unique characteristics make them individuals in a way that parents with offspring of both genders can't. I know that sounds kind of bad, so let me try to explain what I mean.

My parents had two kids: a girl and a boy. Nate and I are nearly nine years apart in age and could not be more different if we tried. (I mean that in a good way. My brother is awesome.) In conversations I have had with my dad he has told me that it never occurred to him to attribute the differences in our personalities to anything other than the fact that we were different genders. I personally believe that's very common given the sheer number of general "gender statements" that I hear parents make. So when I say we understand our children as individuals, what I mean is that we see past the stereotypes of what a boy is supposed to be and simply see the child.

Our boys have the same parents, live in the same house, and people can usually tell that they are brothers; however, that is where the similarities end. There is only one dare-devil out of the bunch. We have two (so far) who appear interested in sports; the other two, not so much. All four kids adore books; they are also ridiculously excited about video games. We have two obsessed with cars, one who preferred trains, and one who never had much interest in toys of any sort. One of the kids pretends that stuffed animals are "babies"; another adores Ariel. Only one of them has ever listed blue as their favorite color; three have gone through a pink phase and one of them really likes purple. Given the choice, the two little ones prefer princess shaped noodles in their soup. In terms of stereotypical boy traits, our kids don't score all that high when rated against each other.

These are the kinds of things I'm thinking as we go through our daily routine. Sometimes I feel like some sort of sociology professor, studying nature vs. nurture. (I'm not, of course, but it's fun to pretend!) Here are two boys, born of the same parents, raised the same way, and given all the same materials for painting:

One prefers to use his fingers, getting messy while daubing color onto the paper in circular, rounded patterns--

--while the other prefers the slightly neater use of brushes and straight, linear designs.

And I get to sit back and watch, all the while marveling at how wonderfully different these two little boys are. I get to see that they are individual children with interests and traits that are all their own and which we don't believe have much at all to do with their gender. They view the world through their own individual perceptions. Their personalities are wildly different and have been since before birth. I find that fascinating and it is, without a doubt, my favorite thing about being a parent to four boys.

What kind of gender role beliefs do you have in your family? Respectful disagreements are welcome!

Only Four to Go (?)

noreply@blogger.com (Amanda) — Tue, 19 Apr 2011 07:36:00 +0000

If Jason's career were a child, it could legally drive today. He has been in the Air Force for 16 years now. I remember when we were at our first duty station. Those NCO's who had been in for 12, 14, 16+ years--man, they were old. They had high school aged kids and drove older vehicles and...

Oh, hey. Wait a minute.

Seriously, though. I couldn't be more proud of my baby. Sixteen years! I am so glad he packed up and made his way out of North Carolina all those years ago.

Congratulations, Jason. I love you.

What We're Doing: A Picture Post

noreply@blogger.com (Amanda) — Sun, 17 Apr 2011 22:38:00 +0000

We're in the middle of spring break, prepping for a small family vacation, and getting ready for Jason to switch back to night shift. Because I don't want my friends Danny or Melanie to beat me the next time we see either of them, I thought I would post a few pictures of what we've been up to lately.

Having lazy bath nights in momma's beloved double sink.

Baseball. Lots and lots of baseball.

Letting the little guys have fun with paints. Outside.

Having picnic lunches at the lake.

Drinking German wine--that we found at a local Big Box store.

Feeling very American with the first ever Sno-cones for the little ones. And even more baseball.

Triumphing over our nuisance arachnid neighbor. We've been trying to evict that thing from our garage since we moved here!

Roadtrippin' with Fiona. She's an awesome driver.

Watching the moon rise. (And wishing for a better camera.)

What kinds of things have you been doing in your neck of the woods?

Aid Sources for Military Families

noreply@blogger.com (Amanda) — Fri, 08 Apr 2011 06:00:00 +0000

Just a quick note today, mostly for fellow military families.

Many, many young military families live their life on a paycheck-to-paycheck basis. If this government shutdown happens--which it rather looks like it will--there are going to be families hurting quickly. The military community needs to be ready to help them right away. The last thing we want is to have our deployed servicemembers worrying about how their families are going to eat. They need peace of mind to do their jobs and get home safely to their families. We can help give them that if we all band together.

I hope that everyone reading this has a little nest egg from which to draw for a little bit if the budget debate can't be settled. We (we being those of us who have been around long enough to have learned our financial lessons and gotten our feet under us) need to remember what it was like to see less than ten dollars--or even a negative number--in the account on the 14th of the month. Remember how embarrassing that could be (or maybe just imagine, if some of you were more money savvy than was I!). It's going to be difficult for some of these families to admit they need help.

If, however, you find yourself in a tight spot please know this: you are not alone. There are thousands of military families going through the same thing and many more who understand what you are going through. Here is a list of organizations that exist solely to aid military families. At the top of the list you will see links to each individual branch's organization. If you need help, please contact them. Do not be embarrassed. You are not alone.

I can't imagine that this is going to last long. I may be incredibly naive to believe that, but I truly believe that something will get slipped through soon for military at least. It would be unconscionable for the government to allow our military families to suffer through an extended time frame with no income. It simply isn't right.

Let's agree to keep an eye out for each other over these next few weeks. Make contact with your fellow spouses. Offer to trade childcare with people. Invite some of the young families over to dinner and make sure they are managing. Bake some goodies and send them into the office with your spouse. (Hey, the sugar will temporarily raise morale, anyway.) Maybe we can use this difficult time to pull our military family close and get to know each other better.

If you have any specific suggestions for how to help our younger troops, please leave them in the comments. If you write/have written a post on your blog covering this same idea please leave the link in the comments. I know I could use some more specific ideas on how to help; I'm sure others could too.

This Morning's Small Heart Attack

noreply@blogger.com (Amanda) — Mon, 04 Apr 2011 14:09:00 +0000

Jason's schedule is such that he is generally gone long before I get up in the morning. I will occasionally stumble out of bed to tell him good-bye, but most mornings I don't even remember his alarm. So you may be able to imagine my sense of urgency at hearing heavy breathing and snoring behind me when my alarm went off at 6 AM! All I could think is, "He is SO LATE!"

I gasped, jumped out of bed, and said, "Jason--", only to realize that it was Zander.

Blink. Blink.

Who knew a four-year-old could snore like that?!

The Military Definition of "Choice"

noreply@blogger.com (Amanda) — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 17:32:00 +0000

When you are part of the military, there are things about your life that non-military friends and family aren't always able to grasp. I know at least two families who have heard each of the following; if you are part of a military family, you probably do too:

Why can't you come home for Christmas? Just tell them you are taking the time off.

Why are you moving out of the country? Aren't you in the U.S. military?

Well they can't deploy him now; you are due to have the baby next month!

I sometimes have more trouble dealing with these statements because the military life is all I have known. I don't question the fact that leave can be denied--because I've always known that it can be. It doesn't give me pause to hear that when the military calls (whatever branch we're talking about), you answer. My dad joined the Air Force when I was two. I joined when I was 18. I married a man who wears the uniform. This is the life I know; it's what makes sense to me. In my mind, the only real choice you get is whether or not to join; once you sign that dotted line, it's not up to you any more. At least, not until it's time to sign on that line again. Most military families "get" that.

I just ran across a CNN article from earlier this month and I have to say that I also understand people like Jet and Chat Rice and the decisions that they face. This dual military couple recently had a choice, such as it was: deploy at the same time and minimize the separation of their family or stagger their deployments in an attempt to keep one of them home with their son. They chose to deploy together--and left their 2-year-old son in the care of his loving and capable paternal grandparents.

This is a choice that is intensely personal. There is no great decision here. What there is, is a couple trying to make the best decision for their family. The best call for their son. An agonizing contemplation of what will cause him the least amount of turmoil in the long run. Is this the choice you would make? You can't possibly know unless you have been in that situation. You may be able to say, "My spouse and I would never both stay active duty after having kids." but so what? That just means that you would make a different decision. That means that you know what is best for you; it does not mean that you know what is best for your neighbor, your co-worker, or your brother.

If you have no experience with this sort of life, you don't get to judge. Certainly you shouldn't write up ridiculously slanted opinion pieces with exaggerated headlines meant to sway the opinions of your readers to your way of thinking. Leaves him home alone? Really? Shame on you. If the worst thing to happen in little Seth Rice's life is that he spent months being loved and adored by his grandparents--well, I'm not exactly sitting here thinking, "Poor kid." I think he's going to be okay.

Jason and I were in a very similar situation after 9/11. I was on maternity leave with a five-week-old infant when 9/11 occurred and knew it was just a matter of time before I would go. I called the person on our family care plan that day and confirmed that we were still okay with our plan, even with the addition of our second son. Jason was gone by the time Jake was nine-weeks-old. At the time, I couldn't legally be deployed until Jake was four months old; I left when he was four months, one week, and two days old. (It stands to note that our aircraft was delayed twice, making me leave a week later than originally planned. You do the math.) Sam was four and half years old.

If you can really classify it as a true "choice", we "chose" to try to sync up our deployments as well. I was always going to deploy--there was no question that I was deploying. It was only a matter of when. When we were given our "choice" leadership's best guess was that deployments could be as long as 12 to 18 months. Initially it appeared to be our best option--let's sync up, hope that leadership can bring us back for our mid-tour break around the same time so that we get a couple weeks as a whole family--and then go back and get this whole thing over with as soon as possible so that we can begin to live again.

The alternative was having me stay home as long as possible, deploy out and have the kids go stay with family anyway, and then not see each other for at least a year, possibly up to two. Plus? There was no way that we would have been able to swing seeing each other in the middle. (And, no. We were not and never would have been in the same location. Not even close.) The children staying at our home in Florida was completely impossible. They were going to have to go stay somewhere regardless. It wasn't even a close decision for us; we knew that the first choice was the better route for our family. How anyone can look at what was presented to us and come up with something better is beyond me.

People who know us in real life know that this situation did not work out well for us. Because of that, I am a passionate advocate for dual spouse couples. Nobody knows how hard it is unless they do it--but you would be amazed at how much judgement there is out there, especially toward the mom. To come home and be told that you are not being a good mother because you had to go do your job? That really sucks. To lose family over it because people can't come to terms with the whole thing? That really sucks too. But the fact is, these parents are doing a job that has to be done. And unless you are willing to take one of their places? Don't get up on your high horse and tell them how selfish they are. You have no clue.

Facebook Fatigue

noreply@blogger.com (Amanda) — Sat, 26 Mar 2011 00:13:00 +0000

Holy. Crap.

Okay. Here is the post I wrote about what was bothering me. It's about Facebook. It's nothing. It's stupid. Read it and see:

Not too long ago I cut my FB friend list by about 25%. (Yes, I did the math. Yes, I am a dork.) I have always maintained a pretty small list as it is, but there were a few people I had not interacted with for over a year (at least) and several more who had never bothered to even say "hello". I didn't delete anyone as a result of any negative emotions or as a result of anything--I just pared the list down to the people with whom I interact. (Or relatives. I'll admit that I kept all the relatives, regardless of their activity level. How am I going to tell my grandmother I deleted her because she doesn't get on her account enough?!)

Anyway. There hasn't been a lot of drama on my account. I've talked before about how boring my friends are. (I love you guys, but you are--for which I am eternally grateful.) I've never had anyone attack me on a post, I've never had anyone send me a hateful e-mail, and I've never seen anyone post anything on their status about one of my posts either. (On my page; I have been or felt attacked on others' pages before, normally during a political discussion gone wrong.) It's a nice, safe place for me to be. I thought I had kept it that way because I am so discerning about who makes the friends list but this past week I learned a few nuts had slipped through the approval process. (That'll teach me to not pat myself on the back too much!)

In case you haven't picked up on it here at the ol' blog, I have a rather quirky sense of humor. In fact, this whole family is like that. We joke about things that sometimes raise some eyebrows, but it's just our way. So yes, last week I made a joke about paying someone in children if they would come clean my kitchen. It's probably not the most shocking thing I've ever said, honestly. It never occurred to me that it would upset someone. Does anyone actually think I would do it?! Who takes something like that seriously?! Well, I now know of at least one person who had an extremely negative reaction to this and I am honestly stunned.

People. I would not trade my kids away for a clean kitchen. Maybe a clean house and garage. Selling them for only a clean kitchen is just too cheap. They are great damn kids.

Ahem.

Once again I find myself in the midst of "Facebook Fatigue" and I have to wonder if it's worth keeping up with the stupid thing. There are days when I think I would like nothing more than to just delete the whole damn thing and call it good but for one thing: it is the primary communication tool that I have with many of my relatives and several of my oldest friends. FB is such a freakin' staple in people's lives now that I doubt I would hear from many of them (often) if I am not on there. I'm starting to regret having ever opened up the account to begin with.

***

There is the big secret post in all its glory. See? It's dumb, just like I said. A lot of hoopla over nothing. The person who got upset has already been deleted and blocked. (My first block! How exciting, right?!) It's not a big deal and, I promise, it has NOTHING to do with any of you reading this. (Unless you are that one person, but I'm pretty sure she isn't one who reads this thing. If I'm wrong, well, you still suck and I continue to roll my eyes in your general direction.) In the future, I will try to refrain from posting about ambiguous frustrations. I'm sorry that I upset those who e-mailed me; I'm publishing this just in case there were more who didn't contact me.

***

Question time! Might as well since I went and published the damn thing anyway. Now, I know that people use their personal FB accounts in all sorts of ways. I'm honestly curious...who makes the cut on your friends list? Do you "friend" everyone clear down to your sister's hairdresser's oldest daughter or do you just add your nearest and dearest? Do you hide your feed from people or is everything an open book? Do you hide people or delete them? Or both? And finally, do you ever think about deleting your account? I can't be the only one. Right?