A Journey through Life

Loose Screws

2016-04-13T10:29:00.001-04:00

Somewhere within the last two years, some of my screws have gotten loose and I think this past weekend they came out. I'm not sure when it happened or began, this slow spiraling out of control, but it definitely started two years ago, when I stepped off the plane from Switzerland after successfully fulfilling my year and a half LDS mission.
Maybe it began when I started quasi dating this guy who I met at a school dance. I liked the attention, even though something felt off about him. But things seem to be going well till he moved away after three weeks of us spending days together. But it didn't work out... in a glorious terrible way, I found out, slowly, that he's unhinged, and slightly crazy, and sometimes I fear that somehow he placed a few of his broken shards inside of me, beginning this process of loosening screws that had till this point securely held me together.
I began to believe that I'm weak. I was still quite tired from the mission, and fell into a depression. So lost and had no real life goals except get married. That's what we're told to do. Get married. And this boy that I had placed quite a bit of hope and time into turned out to be solidly not the person I should even consider dating, least of all marry. It was painful.
I continued with school, with my graduation slowly looming. Before my mission, I knew that that was my goal. I had something to work towards. Now it was to graduate, but then what. What was my goal after graduation. Get married. But that is not exactly within my control at all. I can date, sure, but I have to find people and meet people whom I would like to date. I always feel out of place and like I don't click, so when I do click with people, I have a tendency to hold on too tight. Death grips.
The screws kept getting turned the closer and closer I got to graduation without a relationship happening. Nothing. Not even tinder worked. I'm timid, and shy, and introverted, but I'm like everyone else, and want to be loved, and cared for, and thought of. And each day that went by without a potential, with the same things happening over and over and over again, continued to be proof that I would fail. I would graduate without a ring on my finger, engagement or wedding.
Some relationships happened, but nothing with too much promise, except possibly.... two. One wasn't quite right at the time, but that didn't stop me from letting go, until I held on so tight that I killed it. And the second... he was perfect, but I didn't feel like I was perfect for him.
Classes ended. I was done. Failed. Yes, I finished cum laude. Yes, I have a degree. Which some people work so hard to achieve, but I could coast by and still receive honors, while working two jobs. But all this was a distraction from my real goal. I am a failure.
My screws became loose and they fell out this weekend. I started putting stock in other people, hoping and expecting them to screw me back together. I allowed myself to wallow in self pity, blaming everyone and everything for my disappointment. Instead of looking at myself and seeing that I am becoming a miserable human being. I smiled and laughed on the outside, but inside I was crying, almost constantly. Letting the negative thoughts eat me alive.
I got slapped in the face twice recently, not because me as a person deserves it exactly, but because the whiny, needy, spoiled child that I have become needed the slaps. I needed it in order to pull myself up and remember where healing actually comes from. It doesn't come from other people, and I can't expect other people to put me back together. Healing comes from Divinity, I believe in Jesus Christ and His ability to heal me, mentally and my heart, other people might call it the a universe or karma or some other form. I firmly believe that even if it is not immediate, Christ can put me back together, piece by piece, and heal me, my broken mind and broken heart. Disappointment and sadness and frustrations happen, but I can not and should not allow myself to wallow in this and let it stumble me and fall down. I can not just sit in the dirt and cry and wonder why I am not progressing, why isn't anyone picking me up and doing it for me, carrying me across the finish line. I have help, and help is available, and some things I have to do by myself, while I can expect and have faith that I will receive healing from Christ. He has the screwdriver that can ground me again. In that, I firmly believe in.

Disappointment

2016-03-31T12:43:00.001-04:00

I've always hated being disappointed. I think it's normal, no one likes to be let down, to have your expectations not met. Even when someone says maybe, that adds this hope that it might happen, barely allowing yourself to feel the excitement, but it's still there. Your hope was raised, even a fraction of an inch. And when it comes crashing down, that fraction feels like an abyss.
I was disappointment recently, and it felt crushing. I had hoped that he would pull through and surprise me, even though I expected he wouldn't. Such a mix of emotions, and so when my expectation proved true that he isn't going to pull through for me, that almost hurt most of all.
But in thinking about it, do I really want to hate being disappointed. That means I have no trust, no expectations, no... standards held for other people. Is that even then a relationship. I don't expect anything from strangers, except maybe that I don't get murdered by them. But I don't expect kindness from strangers, it's always a pleasant surprise when someone holds the door, but I'm not disappointed when it doesn't happen. Disappointment stems from trust, from holding expectations and wants fulfilled from this other person, based on the relationship had. And do I really want to eliminate it all? Just to avoid the crushing feeling that happens when my sight is not met.
I propose that it is better to feel disappointment than to hold no expectations. This way, I know that I am loving the person. The trick then is to forgive and continue forward.

Resurfacing

2016-01-29T01:39:00.001-05:00

No body actually reads this, so it's like posting a journal around a library, and watching as people walk by. Interesting.
I read something today in a book by Patrick rothfuss. It was about love and I found it to be quite striking.
"Anyone can love a thing because. [...] But to love something despite. To know the flaws and love them too. That is rare and pure and perfect."
The main character was talking about his lute, but it can just as easily be applied to people. It just made me think how I love those in my life. Do I really love my mother despite her flaws or just because she takes care of me and supports me. Because she is my mother. People say not to waste love on others, because maybe they aren't deserving of it. Everyone is deserving of love, maybe you shouldn't waste time on them, but love is never really wasted. It always comes back to you in some form or another. And loving someone despite their imperfections...
I almost said that to this guy that I have a relationship with. Not the love part, but that I wanted to be with despite all the things I already know about him (not bad things, just normal people things). He could wrap his head around it. It made it sound like I was settling, but it felt like more than that. Isn't that what we want, though, someone to know us, see us, accept us, and continue to stand by our side... despite it all.
I hope someone will love me, not just for the "because", but despite.

The world today

2012-04-09T11:52:00.001-04:00

Someone suggested to me that I write down how things are now, because in two years, things can, and probably will be, very different. A friend of mine came home from serving in Bulgaria, and could not believe that everyone has an iphone now, or some kind of touch screen phone. I wonder what will be different when I come back to the real world?
Although, I'll be serving in Germany, Austria, and Switzerland, so I will still be slightly more exposed to the world of technology than my friend was in Bulgaria, but I probably won't be aware of what's going on till I get back. So the things that I find important:
Coldplay came out with a new CD, Mylo Xyloto
Adele won like a million grammy's and is huge! She only has the two CD's
Jason Mraz is just coming out with another CD and going on a world tour
iPhone's are pretty darn popular, so are iPad's and Kindle's, Nooks are there, but I don't think as popular
my university uses Canvas instead of Blackboard for their online classes
iPod touch is pretty much like an iPhone, right? except without the phone plan
TV shows: How I Met your mother: still haven't met the mother, but is a friend of Barney's future wife
Bones: they just had a baby
House is ending
my phone is still pretty up to date, only like two years old, a LG envy, flip style... I wonder if everyone will have a touch phone when I resurface?
Facebook is still pretty big, but I've heard that people want to stay away from that
Health Care, aka Obama Care, is still hugely controversial, and in deliberation of the Supreme Court, so who knows how it could affect me when I start caring about health care again
The newly elected president will have been in office for a year when I return
Economy still sucks, and jobs aren't all that easy to come by if you're in the wrong profession, while my career path should be okay to get jobs in right now at least
Gas is like $3.75
guess this'll be a running list, and I'll add things when I notice them more...

April 12 - One addition: J.K.Rowling is coming out with a new novel: "The Casual Vacancy" which comes out in Sept. guess I'll be reading that when I get hom

MISSION CALL :D

2012-03-17T23:41:00.001-04:00

This is my future Mission area!

From Munich South, Austria and most of Switzerland

I am currently learning German, been for about a week now, and I can count and say hello... The extent of my German is beautifully spoken, but probably because no one else around me speaks German. I am looking forward to the next two years, living in Germany and preaching the Word of God, and the truth of the Gospel.

I see you shiver with anticipation

2012-03-08T23:13:00.001-05:00

every time I think about being impatient, I think about this quote
<3 it

MIND BLOWN! (again :D )

2012-03-07T23:02:00.003-05:00

I came upon this quote while reading a book The Spell of the Sensuous by David Abram, and honestly this is probably the most beautifully written book I have read in a long time. The string of words that make up his sentences are spell bounding. He puts this tension into this writing that makes me want to weep because of the beauty he has created. I don't think I have read anything that makes me want to cry when they talk about spiders spinning a web. but this quote, that Abram actually quotes by another author is this:

"Let me say this before rain becomes a utility that they can plan and distribute for money. By “they” I mean the people who cannot understand that rain is a festival, who do not appreciate its gratuity, who think that what has no price has no value, that what cannot be sold is not real, so that the only way to make something actual is to place it on the market. The time will come when they will sell you even your rain. At the moment it is still free, and I am in it. I celebrate its gratuity and its meaninglessness.
The rain I am in is not like the rain of cities. It fills the wood with an immense and confused sound. It covers the flat roof of the cabin and its porch with insistent and controlled rhythms. And I listen, because it reminds me again and again that the whole world runs by rhythms I have not yet learned to recognize, rhythms that are not those of the engineer.

I came up here from the monastery last night, sloshing through the cornfield, said Vespers, and put some oatmeal on the Coleman stove for supper. It boiled over while I was listening to the rain and toasting a piece of bread at the log fire. The night became very dark. The rain surrounded the whole cabin with its enormous virginal myth, a whole world of meaning, of secrecy, of silence, of rumor. Think of it: all that speech pouring down, selling nothing, judging nobody, drenching the thick mulch of dead leaves, soaking the trees, filling the gullies and crannies of the wood with water, washing out the places where men have stripped the hillside! What a thing it is to sit absolutely alone, in the forest, at night, cherished by this wonderful, unintelligible, perfectly innocent speech, the most comforting speech in the world, the talk that rain makes by itself all over the ridges, and the talk of the watercourses everywhere in the hollows!

Nobody started it, nobody is going to stop it. It will talk as long as it wants, this rain. As long as it talks I am going to listen."

that was said by a Thomas Merton, apparently from his book Raids on The Unspeakable, which I have never read but I want to now.

I'd kind of forgotten how much I enjoy reading and how insightful it can be. Mind Blown!

2012-02-15T22:31:00.000-05:00

It sometimes surprises me how life decisions propel you onto a certain path, and you travel down that path so far that you get stuck in the middle. When you first started out, you were skipping and running, yelling and shouting to people to "Look at ME! Look at what I'm going to do!! Isn't this great??" but then as you go along, and fully realize what turn you've taken, no one is around you anymore cheering you on, and you get a little tired and have lost sight of the goal, or to follow the analogy, the end of the path. You have no idea where this is taking you anymore and you've lost sight and can only continue forward.
Recently, I made one such decision. I am still excited for the end, but I think I've lost sight of what the end is exactly. I got caught up in the initial excitement. I made the decision to serve a full time mission for the LDS church. This is an 18 month commitment and the application process has been a joy kill. There have been so many hitches that have tripped up my application. Having started it about 6 months ago, I expected that it was in two weeks ago, but it wasn't until yesterday that it finally got submitted. The waiting period begins again since it normally takes anywhere from two weeks to a few months to get the assignment. I am walking down this path that I've chosen and there was a decision that happened as to why I am doing this. But my skipping down the path, running, jumping, excitement, has been hit by disappointment and complications. All that makes me question if I am doing the right thing, but at this point, it would be too hard and disheartening to turn around now. I want the end result. I want to finish this path because I know that it will be worth the worry and difficulties. I just have to get there first.
18 months dedicated to the Lord and teaching the gospel. Telling people about Jesus Christ and the message that changes people's lives. This thought not only terrifies me, but it also thrills me. I am excited to meet people, help people, serve the Lord and further His work. But it terrifies that people will judge me, talking to people about something that is controversial and hard to hear. No one wants to hear that their life needs help or changing.
the Path is a little dark right now, but the end will be worth it, right?

Home Living

2012-02-07T18:13:00.000-05:00

Living at home, being a twentysomething is an interesting experience. It's almost like you're going back in time, practically erasing the years that you've spent away...
alright, so it's only been a few years that I've lived on my own, but it is still not the easiest thing to adjust back to, having your mom asking what time you'll be home, getting a look when you say that you're going out for the night and it happens to be 11pm. or family telling you how to live your life, which they did before, but now it's constantly happening over and over.
And it almost boggles my mind when you see the same people every single day and still have things to say each other. as much as I love my family, I think I prefer the distance than to be living in the same house. Totally normal, right? I hope so.

about no one in particular

2011-08-06T00:13:00.003-04:00

A leap of faith and trust
Not just a wide stride
With at least one foot securely on the ground
But a leap
Nothing keeping you
Risking everything
The anticipation and anxiety that builds before
The adrenalin that pumps through during
But it is the fall
When you come crashing back to the world
That leaves the cracks and the scars
But without leaping
How can we touch the stars

Writing words because that is all that I can do now
Sleep will not come to my drowsy eyes
No matter how hard I shut them
Just the flow of my fingers on the keyboard
Letting out the words that burst from my seams
That wish to tell stories of life and lost
To weave stories that will never happen
Even in sleep I spin the tales
Awakening wondering if my entire life
has been just a dream
Glimpses of reality come and go through out
Never wanting to wake, which makes it hard to sleep
Scared that I will never wake again
And then miss out
on the stories that I create
Because one day, one story will come true.
The dreams tug at my heart
Whispering to me, seducing me, to sleep once more
Taking me by the hand
Leading me, guiding me
Back to bed

The stars that night were beautiful
Falling from the sky
Tumbling to unknown locations
Streaming out of sight
Make a wish as the ball of light flashes before your eyes
Wish to be lucky to fall without a net
Let go and trust
Take the leap
Wish to become a star
Shooting from their secure location
To new territories
Blink and you'll miss the chance
The chance to make a million wishes in one night
Don't closer your eyes
Watch the beauty collapse around you

Tell me the things I wish to hear
Gaze at me with those devilish eyes
Clasp onto me and never let me go
As your fingers dig deeper into my flesh
Scared that I will float away
Like a little boy holding onto a balloon
I will float away without your hold
Take possession of me
Lock me away,
I dare you,
In a music box, which only you have the key
My heart is not up for auction
It beats within your chest
You stole it from within me when you held me close
It jumped out of me, and found a home in you,
When you whispered in my ear
Words, breaths, promises,

Poems I found in an old journal

2011-07-17T23:21:00.002-04:00

I wish I had one more moment
I wish I had one more day
To be able to say the things I think
To be able to do the things I miss
I want to embrace your beauty
I want to bask in your light

I pray for time to go faster
I pray for time to pause
I wish it was a video camera
So I could have control

But it is water and sand
slipping through my finger tips
But it is like a dandelion
with a gust of wind and it's gone

Something so brief has so much impact
something so simple runs so deep

Oct 2008
I come from a broken home
broken hears and broken lives
nothing certain and nothing permanent

I need to feel the sun on my head
the wind at my back
and the road up ahead

This life i lead
will one day end
this tired body
will lay down to rest

That day isn't soon
and I will travel
wherever the wind blows
the grass is green
on someone else's hill
so I'll go there

moving from place to place
no one will hold me back
I've broken all ties

Oct 2008
I was encouraged by your words
so comforting and true
when the world turned gray
I knew I could run to you
You're safe
You're real
You're everything I needed
but fate is cruel
and will never let us begin
so there can never be an end
my soul flies
at the sound of your voice
listening to each change in tone
it sounds like a melody
sweet like love
the love that runs dry
because the faucet can never be turned on
I would run with you forever
I would wait
till I turned to stone
Your words were all I needed
I'm yours forever.

2011-04-03T02:42:00.002-04:00

just a cool picture that i took while in Florida. The place that we did work on used to be a homestead that had been bought by the state, so it had a bunch of old stuff scattered around, along with some orange trees. They were the best oranges that I have ever had. It was seriously delicious. Overall, a very good trip. :D

Just some Random Thoughts

2011-03-20T03:27:00.001-04:00

Slowly, life moves at the pace of a snail who lives at six flags
Sometimes he decides to take a roller coaster, and for 5 minutes, everything speeds by and you have the time of your life
But it takes a while between rides, because he's a snail and can only go so fast

We are all our own pawns in a giant chess game, propelling our bodies forward and backward around the table, trying to get check mate, avoiding getting hurt, around we go, calling out moves, G7 to H9, learning the rules as we go, picking up strategies, learning what works what doesn't. We are stuck in this sick game until it ends, and life calls out check mate because the truth is we'll never win, those words will need fall from our mouths. Life conquers all

Midnight Rantings

2011-03-17T01:04:00.005-04:00

Sometimes I wish that I could disassociate myself with this world. I want to walk away from it and live in a world that I create, with rules that I set. There are so many things that are just messed up and screwed up that I am not sure that anything will be able to fix it, except for the Second coming of Christ. Only Divine intervention can fix what we have messed up, and I mean that in the most literal sense.
There are so many people in this world that I love and hold dear to my heart, and it breaks my heart to see them in pain and to see them suffer. And it breaks my heart to see people, whom I will never meet and whom I can not fully identify with, but I love them, and I see injustice done and I cry for their hardships.
I feel that people have turned their backs on each other and live their lives with blinders on, and refuse to understand what is going on. How discrimination continues, how racism is prevalent today in so many societies. But we refuse to see, and refuse to acknowledge and refuse to do anything to help out our brothers and sisters. We look at each other as strangers, instead of seeing them as our fellow man and our friends, our brothers, our sisters. Everyone is related and connected, but through walls that society encourages, our cell phones, iPods, headphones, computers, things that encourage the isolation, we convince ourselves that everyone that we do not know are strangers.
I wish I could walk away from this. But since I can't, I wish that I could change this mentality, that we are all on our own, that no one understands and that no one is there to listen. I am here. I will listen. I will be present, if only for a little while, in this world, and I hope that as I go along with my life, that I will be able to lighten someone's burden by being there for them, by listening, anything that I can do to help.
But things just keep getting worse and with everything that Apple puts out, we bring ourselves closer and closer to being islands, with no one to talk to and no one to listen. We suffocate ourselves. And yet we wonder why suicide, divorce, are so present in our society. Brokenness. We are a broken society but no one is willing to get out the super glue and put us all back together. I think that we are frightened of the intimacy that that would entail. We are scared of putting ourselves out there for people to judge and to reject. But at least one person won't judge and reject. There is always that one person who reaches out their hand and accepts you as you are.
I read a quote the other day which said: if you want to have a friend, be one. I strongly believe that, because the only way anyone is going to care about you is if you care in return.
I get labeled as a hippie because I want everyone to love each other. I get criticized because I am optimistic instead of being realistic and harsh. But I think that it is possible for people to put their selfish needs aside and work for the community. I also get labeled as a communist or a socialist. But what I want is for people to work together. Think of all the things that could be possible if we worked together instead of working alone. It would not be a perfect world either, but I believe that it could be a better world. We are often afraid of things that we do not fully understand and know. The only way to dispel that fear is by getting to know what you fear, and to understand what you don't and are too afraid of crossing an invisible line that we have set up for ourselves.
I am guilty of these things as well, which is why I feel comfortable to point them out. I fear things, I put up walls. But I strive to break those walls down and to overcome my fears. No one is perfect.

End of Vacation

2011-01-08T00:58:00.003-05:00

unfortunately, vacation always ends. But it's a new beginning, which I think is the best way to look at it.
I got to spend so much time with my family, with my two sisters who I am going to miss so much. My older sister went back to the Bahamas and I'm leaving my younger sister here. As I sat next to my older sister yesterday, I just wanted to memorize her face, because for once in my life, I have no idea when I'll see her next. This thing called "life" and "the real world" is actually happening.
The semester starts on monday, and I am still a bit clueless as to where my classes are. Maybe I'll run around campus Sunday night to try and figure out where I'm suppose to be going every day. But I'm taking some good classes, and like I said, it's a new beginning. I hope to meet new people, to challenge myself more to get outside my comfort zone. I'm just floating through life, not always rising to the challenge that life presents to me. This semester, I wish to grow and stretch my understanding, my ideas, my thoughts. I need to always strive to be a better person, to continue to grow, because once you stop growing as a human being, once you stop expanding your thoughts, that is when you become boring and out-dated. No one is listen to you because no one cares.
I leave tomorrow night. On a plane this time. It will take me a fraction of the time to get back that it took me to get to Jersey. I just pray that God will keep my plane in the air.
The heavens opened up today and let down about a foot of snow. I knew that I would be seeing a lot of snow this year, but I had no idea that I would be seeing it in Jersey. It's snowed more here in the past three weeks, than it did in Utah the past three months. But I'll probably be eating my words during the next three months back in Utah because apparently it snows much there. Glad I just got snowshoes. might be using them to get to school in the mornings.
New Year: Welcome!

Final part of Travels

2010-12-26T23:22:00.003-05:00

Unfortunately, I was unable to get internet connection on the train, so I wrote down all my adventures on my iPod.
and have NO idea how to get it on my computer. No way am I going to type it all out. so, never will they appear on my computer. oh well.
but it was fun. train is definitely a different way to travel and one meets a lot of interesting people.

I'm watching this tv program about the buddha. and it is one thought provoking show. Sometimes I think that I might improve myself by not talking anymore. and listen more to what people have to say. maybe increase my mystery of self. and so i think i'll go back to school and never talk. or talk less. we'll see how long this lasts.
to be buddha. i should do some serious reading about the belief system and how to reach nirvana. maybe that'll bring some peace to my life. I love being LDS, and I truly believe that it contains truths and that I am a better person because of it. but I also believe that other religions hold some truths as well, and that I can learn from them qualities and traditions that can make me, still, a better person. I always need to improve, and maybe I should just go into silence. not permanent silence, but just calm down and meditate more, listen more, observe more. mindful.

Part 1 of My Journey Home

2010-12-15T22:03:00.003-05:00

I kind of forgot how far New Jersey really is from Utah. I keep on getting reminded that New Jersey is across the country every time I tell someone how I'm getting home. Instead of the tradition 5 hour plane flight, I decided to take a train home, which will take a mind numbing 50-something hours to travel across the country on the ground. But it all started today. I finished my finals, amazingly, on Tuesday. 3 finals in two days. Although my friends seemed to have been jealous that I was done by Tuesday, they do not quite realize what kind of stress was being caused on my insides. My stomach was a ball of nervous tension. I would go to sleep and awake with the same tension, and it wasn't realized until Tuesday afternoon. Biology happened at 7:30, Monday morning. I did decent after about 3 days of studying. I am just grateful that I'm done with the functions of the cells and energy cycles and how DNA somehow, magically, turns into RNA. It really all seemed like magic, and I just couldn't seem to grasp the concept that this is happening right now in my cells... and that is why my eyes are blue :)
Tuesday, my finals were back to back, and that was probably the worst. because not only did I have to study for one exam, but two! and there wasn't even time between them. Math first, then US institutions, which was the bane of my existence this semester. sure, I might have grown up in the country, but who really cares about what the constitution? As long as I know that I have the freedom to write all this, and put it out on the internet just because I want to, what else is there to know? Okay, yes, i realize that the constitution is actually pretty important and can be kind of cool, but... honestly, don't care.
My train leaves Friday morning. Well, I guess it can't really be called morning, since the sun won't even be up when I do depart. But I had to travel down from Logan to Pleasant Grove, so do laundry. My family is so generous. They let me do as much laundry as I need to do... which happens to be a lot. I might actually be able to separate the colors and such. this is going to be an adventure! the drive down from Logan, as always, was uneventful. except for the part where I seemed to have entertained a van full of teenagers. What happened was:
I put the Cat Empire on... they are a pretty dance-y band to listen to, and it's hard not to dance when you listen to them. if you don't move while listening to their music, then you have no soul. I was stopped at a red light, and I happen to look over, and see this girl, I start dancing and she finally looks at me, and I smile at her. I think I probably weirded her out. I then continued to dance the way that I car dance (which really must be an entertaining sight) and I look over again, and the boy sitting in the back seat started to laugh too. I looked at him, smiled, and kept on dancing. The car drove away, and I felt content knowing that I had at least made someone laugh this day. Albeit, they were laughing at me, it didn't really make much of a difference. I enjoyed myself.
Driving through the canyon was one of the scariest experiences of my life. There's this fog thing that happens in happy valley. I've been told that it's toxic. It reminds me of the first batman movie, Batman Returns, where the crazy man is able to put the toxic gas to make everyone hallucinate and go crazy. pretty sure that's what's happening in happy valley. actually, what I'm told is that it's called inversion, and it's pollution. Everyone complains about it, but I am from Jersey, so I'm pretty sure I've inhaled worse things. but it makes for terrible driving conditions. It's wicked thick, and I could hardly see anything while driving for a bit. So naturally, I drove faster. Logic: because if I go faster, I'll get out of the toxic fog faster. right? okay, maybe not. that's probably why I almost hit a truck...... naw, he was pulled over off the road.
Other than those two eventful happenings, nothing else. Traffic sucks, especially when people don't know how to drive. and why in the world would you be talking on your cell phone AND driving in the fast lane ALL THE SAME TIME?! you naturally drive slower when you talk on the phone, and ergo, facto, oreo, piss off everyone else behind you. But I am safely in Pleasant Grove. I'll do laundry tonight/tomorrow. pack up my clothes, hopefully my presents won't break. here grandma, i got you a plate..... well...... it was a plate..... before it broke in Chicago....
Then off to Orem to stay the night there, and get up at the unnatural hour of 3:30 to catch a train. Actually, I just won't go to sleep. That is definitely the logical solution. Never go to sleep, therefore I'll never have to wake up.
Perfect.

Sunday Mornings

2010-05-02T10:23:00.002-04:00

I woke up about an hour ago and the time has gone by lazily. I sit in my bed, and listen to the ebb and flow of traffic, the white noise constantly generated. I contemplate what I'll wear for church today, debating whether I should wear tights or go barelegged. At work yesterday, I received some flowers, purple and white flowers, with lots of green. It's beautiful and they are staring me in the face. I reflect on yesterday and anticipate the future. And all this has happened in the past three minutes.

Yesterday, I talked with the object of my affection for the present. He has no idea. But we created sweet conversation that both made me laugh and cry. He became my best friend last night, even if it was for only a night, we connected on a different level than how I've connected with people before. These conversations have happened a few times in my lifetime, and only with those that comfort has existed so strongly. I wonder if he realized that? I also wonder if I will miss him, because right now I think I will. We will pass each other in August as we swap places in the world. He travels to Boston, as I travel to Utah. maybe this is a metaphor of our relationship, that we were meant to meet for only a few minutes in our lifetimes. but he has had a profound influence on me, albeit only for a short time, it was still deep.

This is what I am thinking about, the past and the future merge together in my mind because the future is coming fast, I hear it's footsteps in the hallway, walking closer to my door. and I anticipate the knocking and when I open the door to receive it, will I be joyous? or will I be scared? knots form in my stomach at the notion of the future, butterflies burst from those knots. Ideas are driving me crazy.

New York to Boston

2010-04-30T08:52:00.002-04:00

Its amazing how people can band together over the littlest things. As I'm riding up to Boston after my 12 hours in Jersey, the bus driver does not seem to understand that we are all baking in the bus. After about 10 attempts to tell him to turn the heat off, he turns it on, and then up. slowly, the air gets staler and hotter, and we can't breathe. the elderly lady is severely upset, and is now calling the company in order to get the problem fixed, but I'm not sure exactly what this will accomplish. we have all bonded in a strange way. And I'm sure that after this experience, I will never see anyone of these people again, but we will all sure have a story to tell.

In an unrelated topic, as I am looking out the window, admiring the spring foliage, I am a little sad that Utah doesn't have much foliage to admire, at least none that I am too aware of. Maybe in the mountains, where water actually accumulates, but in the valleys and deserts, not too many trees exist. Here in the east coast, is another story. Trees for miles and its beautiful. The different colors of the trees as their budding and life is coming back after the winter create so many different shades of green. Lime green, vivd green, light green, dark green, orange green, some I can't even describe. Other trees are late bloomers or haven't gotten the memo yet, but they will be beautiful when they decide to bud. It's amazing how similar the colors are to those of fall, but there's a certain vividness to them, and vitality, that is different than the fall foliage. Those have a dimmer color and you know that they will fall off soon. These are brimming with new life. But I have gotten to know this side of the country well, enough that it has become almost second nature. It is time to move one and see new horizons, a new landscape, and admire the beauty that God has created all around us.

a long day.......

2010-03-28T22:42:00.002-04:00

that's what it feels like. this year has been just one long day. i can not believe that freshman year is almost over. i'm excited for the change to happen already. I want to leave so badly. leave boston behind me, and continue on with life. I am stuck in this rut of a city, longing to get out. just leave.......

COLLEGE

2009-09-06T01:03:00.003-04:00

getting through high school isn't too tough. quickly, you learn how to navigate between people and groups and know which teachers to talk to and which to avoid. Not a problem, because at the end of the day, to home you go and the comforts and warmth of a mother's arms and a bed you've slept in for many many years. But college is a whole different playing field. High school is the minor leagues. You've just been signed to the majors in college. And just like that, a bus hits and your in a room that others have used. Your in a city or town that maybe you don't know. Not only do you have to navigate between groups of people and classes, but also trying to find a grocery store. Welcome to life, the world screams at you while you stare questioning at a map. Welcome to life. To the real world. To the rest of your life. You are no longer in the warmth and comfort of your mother's arms. You have just stepped into a world you only hoped about when younger but didn't dare to dream about. A new life, and a new beginning. No one is here telling you who to be, all of the strings are broken and you are the person that you wish to become, you want others to see you as. No parents to catch you when you fall. Hopefully, you'll have supporting friends, ones that will try and lift you back up again if you do happen to fall. Hopefully, you'll have comforting teachers and administrators who will temporarily take the place of arms where you can cry to. Welcome, the world whispers, almost cynically, almost mercilessly, almost wishing you to fail. Wishing disaster and chaos to come into your once peaceful life. Welcome, and good luck.

Graduation

2009-06-09T22:00:00.002-04:00

I graduated from High School on Sunday. The moment that I had been looking forward to for the past 6 months had finally come. What did it feel like? surreal. I can't process it. I can't process any of this. I'll be leaving the comforts of my high school community for a totally new city, a new state, a new school. I dare compare it to birth, and the leaving of the womb. It will be a slap in the face and I will gasp for air, staring around at the new life presented to me. I feel like I'll have to relearn everything that I have gotten up to now. Hopefully it won't be too traumatizing. I am looking forward to the slap.

After my ACL surgery, it has left me with a similar knee as a grandmother. I ache when it rains, and cry when I have to go up or down the stairs. I avoid lifting anything heavy because I'm a little afraid my knee won't be able to handle it. But I want to run. I am to run so bad. I actually miss it. I make excuses all the time to people, but the point is, I really wish I could run again. and jog. I'm cleared to jump rope, which was on the track to jogging. So I think I'll be able to jog soon. Today was painful. And the numb patch on my knee hurt, along with my shin. I guess it sounds a little confusing saying that a nump part hurts. But it does, even if someone hits it, or I bump it accidentally, it hurts. I just want the pain to stop and go away. If oxicodone didn't suck so much, I would be popping the pills. Sometimes it's gone all together, and I forget that I had surgery. But when I have to go up or down stairs, I am reminded constantly that I can't run just yet. I really am looking forward to that day when I can jog without a limp.

Looking towards the future

2009-03-25T17:41:00.001-04:00

It is a slow realization that my life will change drasticlly in a couple of months. In June I graduate from High School. I will never again be called a high school student. I don't know if I should be jumping up and down with joy, or approaching this change with apprehension. It kind of reminds me of my pending 10th birthday. As excited as I was to be another year older and closer to womanhood, it was a shock that I would never be a single digit age again. That seems a silly comparision, but I was not at all saddned by my graduatoin from 8th grade into high school. Grammer school was literally a hell on earth for me, and I never wish to repeat those years. But High School has been an experiance, both good and bad, but definatly a learning one. The time is fast approaching. And it is hard to believe, and slowly sinking into my head. I look around my room with each passing day and am realizing that this will only be my room when i visit. When I visit, because it will no longer be my permanent home. I will be going out into the world (of Boston) and living a new life, leaving behind the old. Much like sheading of skin. It is a welcome change that I won't have to visit my father everyother weekend and deal with the junk that he puts on me, but I will mourn the loss of my much loved house. This will be the biggest change in all my 18 years of living. But still, mixed feelings are building up inside of me. Change has that affect on the best of us, I do believe. The future is looming on the horizon, and I go to meet it. It makes me excited, to think that I will be meeting new people, gaining new friends, and living new experiences. But I am afraid that it will leave a whole inside of me that could have the potential to swallow me, if I let it. There are particular people that I will miss most of all, others were just passing through and does not matter much if they come or go. I guess that is how it goes, you take with you those that mean the most to you, so that at the end of your life you are only surrounded by the best. Those that you trust, and love, and who return the feelings. Only the truest of friends. I guess I have to look at it like a spring cleaning of friends. of my soul. Only the important people, important ideas, leave with you.

the Drama

2009-03-18T18:05:00.002-04:00

I hate prom. It is silly and totally rediculus. The whole point is to look pretty and get all dolled up. Other then that, no one really wants to STAY once they get to prom. wow, money totally well spent.
So I'll be in Cambodia right before graduation. How insane is that? I really do not know what to expect, but should be rather interesting.

Rantings

2009-02-20T09:21:00.003-05:00

I sit here, wondering why life can't become more simple than it is. And why, finding a special someone, can't be more simple. Why can't it just be: I like someone and I just go up to him and tell him. Why does there have to be games played and hints thrown and glances catched. Because the fear of rejection can be greater than the growing like of the boy. But why are we taught to go with our fears, or to be scared at all. When did that change begin to happen, because as a child I climbed trees without a second thought and jumped out of them without fear of breaking a bone or hurting myself. When did I become aware that things like that could hurt me, and when did fear begin to creep in. Maybe it happens when we learn that santa clause isn't real. or the tooth fairy, or the easter bunny. and why isn't it alright to believe in mythical or magical creatures. or that a man can travel the world in one night, because the rules of time do not apply to him. It is so magical to believe in something like that. But the age of innocence was lost, and somehow it can not be returned. how, then, can we prevent it from ever being lost. But then we find other things to place our hopes in, without fears. We find something that is unbelievable and throw ourselves into it. Sometimes its love, sometimes it mythology, or human nature. I don't know. Maybe I'm guilty of believing in love, but then it was shattered, just like Santa Clause was. Now I find myself without that inconcievable belief in something. It was a harsh reality to find that the Disney movies had gotten it all wrong about love and relationships. The girl shouldn't wait for her prince because the prince may never come. She needs to find her own way out of the dungeon. And there is no happily ever after. What happens, Cinderella, when you don't have the fairy god mother anymore? and you don't provide an heir to the throne? There is always a prince in all the stories. Can't they just fall in love with someone simple? Instead of a prince? I just want someone real, who doesnt have a country to run. But that phase of silly blind belief in the overcoming power of love that can break curses and charms is over. Again, I wish I could go back to it, and throw myself into its belief, but that glass was shattered and no matter how you glue it back together, the cracks still exist.