Angel's Blog

Happy ever after.

2013-01-25T10:43:00.002+01:00

Don't know if anyone still reads this but....I married on January 5th. A wonderful man :) There is hope out there- it took me 10 years...now comes the task of attempting procreation. Despite what we were told in our teenaged years it is in fact very difficult to get pregnant. Even if all the conditions are right you only have a 20% chance each cycle.......

Happy ending?

2011-11-13T00:02:00.000+01:00

Received this comment today:
"Wow Angel! I was just looking up information about Denmark and stumbled on to your blog. I feel like I understand almost everything you've said! If you still access this site, please email me on Yahoo at aimeecwoods. Since you haven't blogged since 2010, I'm curious as to how your life has gone. It was like reading a good story with no conclusion! "

So I thought I'd catch you up on life. It,s been about a year since I last wrote- I can't believe it's been so long!

As usual my life has been a roller coaster. I still hear from Christian, who despite having a new gf has been texting mé. We dó seem to have a Strange connection but it is time to let that go.

I've changed jobs this year and thinking of changing again soon. I love what I'm doing now- teaching people about mental health and reducing stigma but the government funded project ends in December so need to find something else. Have been offered a job but it's only a five month contract and need the security as Alex ( yes he's still around!) and I are looking to buy a home.By all the testimonials I have gotten turns out I'm great at teaching and have now a sessional position with a uni but it's only 1 day a week term time.It's great trying to develop good nursing attitudes and reduce mh stigma from bottom up.

It's a different story on the ward however. Everyone is suffering compassion fatigue. I'm embarking on a research project on the topic trying to do something about it but It's very sad.
am also looking at starting a business with a colleague which will focus on mental health training and with the philosophy that doing the right thing comes before profit. We will also be tithing.

Other than that I'm proper job hunting and have applied for a staff educator post at a notorious " asylum" type hospital here and have been offered a CAMHS triage level 3 but only on a 6 month contract- which scares me as we are looking at buying a house and need more security and although it's likely I'd get further work there, there are no guarantees

We have a plan to let to students too as we would be 10mins from a few uni's and that would help out a lot too :)

The bipolar seems under control now but the PMDD is still causing me problems so finding that I'm hypersensitive to my progesterone and sleep and cry a lot when that kicks in which isn't good but Alex is a great support.

Alex. What can I say he's just amazing he understands that I have these biological illnesses and supports and looks after me totally. For someone 10 years younger than me he's more mature and understanding than anyone. Alex has just started his career as a lawyer and so he wants to wait a couple of years before we settle down. Problem with this though is that at 35 I have a low egg count- so we've been seeing a fertility specialist to advise us what to do and get the results in a follow up in a couple of weeks.

So Angels future? House marriage kids? It's looming like my happy ending may well be around the corner...

So the plan from here on

Slow change

2010-11-06T09:56:00.001+01:00

Hello. Have been low since last post struggling to get in to work... Going sick. Someone jokingly squeezed my waist at work to make me jump which set my back pain off again so been in excruciating pain and seeing a chiropractor.

Alex has been keeping me going from afar but hes back in 11 days so thats both exciting and scary.

Work christmas party on nov 24 with diamond and pearl theme and Alex is coming too.

My life is about to change...

How low can you go

2010-10-21T02:31:00.000+02:00

Poo. Just when I thought things were ok I suddenly hit a brick wall. It started sat with a poor nights sleep with a late shift fri and early sat and straight to work for another double. Was so tired ended up cancelling my extra shift and going home only to be stopped by the police for speeding. Finished my shift on sunday in a blur and monday woke as usual at 0530 to go see the lovely lemon tree in the back yard had be chopped down. I was and am so upset, spent my days off trying to regain energy- going for massage injecting vit b taking extra vits but nothing worked.

Back to work wednesday and i make two medication errors, extenuating circumstances aside this is not cool. I was pulled up by management who are putting me on probation for a month pulling me off my ward and cancelling my extra shifts. One more med error and im at risk of losing my job. Today i dont feel like working at all. Im losing it. Im not sure Ive been taking my meds properly or at all and im panicking about everything especially about this whole relationship thing. Also Ive been having constant nightmares. Need to see my psych but hes pretty useless and concentrates on medication. Im fucked.

A catch up and a happy ever after?

2010-10-17T03:42:00.003+02:00

Sorry its been a while. A lot has happened though. Seriel dating proved a disaster. I had a manic episode after I left my last job, which whilst disturbing led me to swing dance classes a new friend and a potential husband also a medication that actually seems to help.

I am now in a job that is much less stressful and which on most days I actually enjoy.

I have just returned from an 8 week trip around Europe witg said potential hubby, and he is returning in November to start a new life with me, we are planning to have children in a year or so.

I visited Dk and lordy do I miss that place and my Danish mother Marianne. I cried so much when I left.

I also visited the parents and attempted to lay some ghosts to rest which I think helped me too.

So here I am on the verge of a happy ever after with a guy who seems to adore me whatever I do. I was crazy about him too at first but you know me and my changeable mind... We will see what happens when he gets back I guess. The time has come though now to settle and have babies. The clock is ticking.

New Year and Still Here

2010-01-05T11:37:00.003+01:00

Okay I survived the meds, using a very good psychologist and a very good hypnotist. Im back at work and actually enjoying it. Im stronger, louder, prouder and more positive.

I spent christmas with Lukes family, new years with new friends and have innumerable dates. But Im not ready to be in a relationship, I want to heal and fix myself completely.

So in summary Im better than new, Im strong and confident and Im going out again (a little too much) Picture is from last saturday with a swede and a zambian.

People in my life right now:
Suzanna a passing swede whos soon moving to sydney :( Turns out I can speak Swedish pretty good!
Luke who is my best mate and we are at a good place right now
Dieter - a south african I met who wants to date me and gets a little clingy, he is lovely tho
Damon - an irish born aussie who we met out last saturday- a perfect gentleman and hyperintelligent
Wesley a very very pretty south african, but a bit of a player.
Angie, a girl from work who I go out with a fair bit

and lets not forget Kasper- my puppy who is a maltese x shitsu.

Life is ok people, life is good :)

chemical reactions

2009-10-29T00:45:00.002+01:00

Woke up today not so good and before even taking pill had crying/panic episode andmy head feels like exploding and feel angry. Have an appointment with a new psychologist today and really dont want this to be the first she sees of me. Read about this drug on internetand it seems many people on it have committed suicide. I dont want to commit suicide. I really dont but I am scared.

Luke is looking after me, helping me and staying with me so I am very lucky to have him still as a friend.

Wonderstuff

2009-10-28T02:09:00.003+01:00

last couple weeks Ive been a bit shaky and on monday saw the dr again. This time he sent me for a scan on my hip and prescribed an anti anxiety/antidepressant called Lexapro. He also gave me another 2 weeks off work.

This dr is new and he seems to understand everything, he gave me his mobile number in case bad stuff happened like the last time I tried antidepressants. This made me feel a lot more trusting of him.

I took the first Lexapro yesterday morning- half a tablet. Before taking it I was anxious and tearful. I took it and 30 minutes later was dumbed down, felt sleepy couldnt feel anything, and 2 hours after taking it it hit me, like a screaming pain in my head. Thi lasted for 15 minutes of me screaming out ane then it was ok. And I fely dare I say it...happy!? AT least peaceful, all the fears the irritableness the jealousy just dissipated. I do seem to have lost the taste for food, I no longer get intense pleasure from eating chocolate or cocacola like I did the day before- but possibly a small price to pay if this will make me a better stronger person...

Took 2nd half this morning and the whoosing head was there but not so bad, but already feeling more confident and content...

I am an emotional person and I hope this doesnt take away all of that.. but Im hoping I can go out do things and maybe enjoy work?

I am coming to the realisation though that I may have been addicted to sex and using sex as a way of feeling chemically good and de stressing. WHilst this sounds ok its not and the guilt and broken relationships remind me so too. I didnt even realise I was doing it, but lexapro seems to help in this area too.

Is Angel changed forever by a small white pill....?

I'm human and I need to be loved- just like everybody else does

2009-10-07T08:22:00.002+02:00

Things seem to happen, lost my bank card, got attacked outside work. Currently off work with PTSD, can't stop crying. Guess the stress finally broke me. I feel so vulnerable and small and unsafe. Had bloods done. Dr gave me week off work, which I needed. I just dont feel safe in this world, when there is so much evil around.

I feel safe when I'm with Luke and Ben but thats about it.

I will get stronger again wont I?

New start

2009-09-22T14:54:00.003+02:00

Ok a lot's happened in the past month. I left Luke so single again, I moved out and have my own house and I bought a puppy. I held this puppy and I cried- I did try others but this one is like a baby, and now I feel fulfilled in my maternal needs. Picture of my puppy Kasper to the left..

Men: lots of those around, Craigs still around, and theres Ben who I love spending time with in everyway but dont want to fall for him, hes not my "type" and he doesnt want more children (has a 10 year old girl). And then theres Amit a crazy psychiatrist. I dont want to be emotionally involved just yet, enjoying being single again for a moment.

Feeling bad about Luke, and I still love him, hes an amazing guy and his family are still so kind to me even though we split.

Onwards...

Work life balance

2009-08-16T11:41:00.003+02:00

Back to work tomorrow... Scared even though managed to turn things around a little at work and become a huge instrument of change on the childrens unit-both by becoming a health and safety rep and making changes that way, and also by being seconded to a seclusion and restraint reduction project and producing a report entitled" In the pursuit of compassionate care- a literature review of multi-sensory approaches to reduce seclusion and restraint and promote mental health on child and adolescent mental health units" I have also been asked to do the annual report on the unit.

Its amazing watching my suggestions being used and becoming a reality. The programme seemed to have been an idea from one person which turned into a cult- not based on any evidence based research at all! So unbelievable and cruel how these children are dealt with - and by employing unskilled workers and indoctrinating them into the ways of "the programme" the cult begins and everyone does what they are told- except of course me- who was taught by her lecturer to question why she does everything and if she doesnt know or its because its always done its probably wrong :)I have a new job in a private hospital for adults. I am not sure whether to take it or whether I can stay in my desk job and make changes from the outside (which seems the only way to do it whilst keeping your sanity!)Back to work on tomorrow and find out whats what....

Also feel like Im living lots of different lives. I have one with Luke. One kind of with Craig, and yet somehow my heart always manages to jump when I hear from Christian. WHO AM I??

I need to decide who or what I want but am so scared of making yet another stupid decision Im paralysed to do anything.

If I stick with Luke I will always be older and wiser and this will always affect me but can we make it through anyway and have a family? If I leave Luke for Craig, do I even like Craig and can I keep him long enough to have a family with him. Why do I even still dream of a family with Christian, who just seems to drink-sms me.

Missing Mie and Marrianne a lot right now, miss having my good female friends, Have made a female friend at work Jenn whos Canadian and we chat mostly about how in love she is. I miss being in Love. I have nothing to write poetry about anymore...

Picture is me on some rocks in Broome, Western Australia last wednesday.

Disappointment

2009-08-14T13:06:00.004+02:00

Just been on a 2 week jaunt around western australian outback with Luke and a friend. As much as I said i would try I don't think I can be with Luke. I just don't have time to wait around to see if it works out. Next March Im 34, I want to have a baby, it's getting very late. Why didnt I make it work with those people I left behind in Denmark? Why did I treat them appallingly to be someone who treated me appallingly? To be with Craig would mean yet another compromise. I want to be with someone I love and respect but it seems I am no longer capable of either of these things! Everyone I meet disappoints me. This probably says more about me than them...

Someone like me

2009-07-13T14:47:00.003+02:00

It takes a lot to love someone like me. Therefore a hat must be taken off to a man that actually tries and stays at it. Luke is a rock, and I should be greateful and further more happy that he actually wants to love me. I have therfore stopped entertaining the idea of another man and started focusing my energy on luke. He may not be perfect but he loves me and that should be enough. Men come and men go, but luke has thus far proved his longevity. If I havent learned anything by all this blogging I should remember the guys that just want to use me dont stay around long. Love is different things to different people.

Love me or leave me but let me be lonely

2009-07-10T11:10:00.003+02:00

90 mill.. hahaha if only..

Interview went great thanks GOT THE JOB... just need to sort out paper work.

Further bullying =by email but apparently its ok..say the management.

I am SO out of there. Also asked (along with 4 others) to move wards.

Think I may kick up a storm before I go though.

Now Im having trouble. Luke, wonderful, caring charming Luke has competition. The only thing apart from success this guy has going for him and of course being nearer my age is the pheromones. What do I do? Do I do anything? Is it just a crush. Luke is so obviously the best choice in this case, but if Im attracted to other people thats serious isnt it? I should leave shouldnt I?

Photo from a night out 2 weeks ago.

Light at the end of the tunnel

2009-06-30T12:04:00.002+02:00

Ok feeling more positive at last! The psychic helped in the self fulfilling prophecy kind of way. Sent my CV out and now have an interview on MONDAY at a private psychiatry clinic, which looks pretty nice.

Also anaged to stand up (a bit) for myself against those bullying bitches at work. One such "lady" shoved her way past me, in the office, despite there being ladders around. I just stood still, and said "excuse me!" she yelled out "well you were in my path" and instead of biting it I say "well it was the wrong path" and leave. When I get back she yells at me "have you got a problem?" I say calmly "no, have you?" and she starts ranting about my attitude, so I counter with her attitude and it was silly pushing past me and ladders in the office, to which she yells "its not your office!" So I just tell her shes been ridiculous and walk out.

There is a lot of stress and animosity at the moment on the unit, everyone is breaking down and attacking each other. There are no clear guidelines so everyone thinks theyre right. Its a mess.
ANd its dangerous. Theyve closed off 4 beds but still, it goes against all my morals and teaching to treat children the way they do there.

Tonight is the 90 million dollar lottery.. so far positive thinking is working for me..;)

Thru the darkness

2009-06-28T05:23:00.002+02:00

Have has a very dark month or so.. sooo downa nd not able to come out of it, physically so weak, mentally emotionally weak. Have been trying to keep up on cocacola and chocolate.

Have finally managed to shake Christian from my thoughts. But things with Luke came to a head when I was kissed by other guy. Thinking about it though, this guys lures of wanting children and a life with me may be along the same lines of the stuff I fell for with Danny. Just trying to get me into bed, and while I am initially attracted I dont even know if I like this guy.

Luke is so good and kind, and of course I had to tell him about this. Im not sure what to do. If I stay with Luke my chance of a family will be pretty much gone.

I went to a womens expo on friday and there were lots of fertility clinics there saying after 35 youre pretty much fucked in terms of having children naturally.

Physically Im a mess, my neck back, soul is out of alightment. I also saw a clairvoyant psychic who said I have the gift and should develop it, she said a lot of other stuff about new job new home but Im not sure whether to believe it or she was saying what she knew I wanted to hear. Considering attending a christian spirtualist church. All I know is I need to make myself strong again.

Everything is a mess, and life almost got too unbearable for me, but managed to snap back up a little bit.

The diet, the people here, are just not good for my body or soul. Im too senstive. I need to find a way to get my body and mind feeling positive without caffeine, chocolate, men.

The unit I am working on is too dangerous, they are even thinking of closing it down.

I really really want to take up and just travel again. Run away I guess...

New Horizons

2009-05-26T12:43:00.002+02:00

Went to the work do and survived, and gt sent back to work on light duties last tues. Hate my job, hate the way the children are treated. Miss Denmark.

Have to try and pull myself away from Luke if I am to have children. Offers from guys out there but Luke is safe and I am comfortable, but he is not long term.

I cant live like this, unhappy in all areas of my life, and maybe this is something to do with the traction injury I incurred to my arm, but I want more. Or for those of you familiar with my life.. I STILL want more.

I want to be happy, at work and at play. I want to be in love and from that love start a family.

Maybe I need God. It seems all those with God in their lives are very happy.

I do need love and joy in my life. I need to be stronger and less of a victim but how how how?

Do others need to work this hard to be happy?

Petrified heart

2009-05-15T10:06:00.002+02:00

Luke is very understanding about the way I feel. He knows that I love him but hes too young for me, and although it hurts him accepts that I may need more. This level of maturity and acceptance makes me love him more, and although I am not in love, my repect for him grows.

The other guy wants me and shows an admirable endurance. But I just dont know about him.

And then theres Christian. I have never stopped loving him or thinking about him, and I dont know why and I sont know when it will stop. Even Andrew didnt take this long to get over WTF?! This could be why I am unable to love anyone else.

I need help. Ive been saying it a lot but now I do... a psychologist or buddhism or scientology something to help me figure myself out and give me back my confidence.

Im scared of everything and I need that to stop.

Have a work do tomorrow and Im petrified. The girl whos been bullying me is going to be there and Im so scared.

Ring of fire

2009-05-12T01:49:00.003+02:00

I hate my life and even more I hate myself. Talked to Luke yesteday about how Im feeling about the relationship, and of course he was very upset. I do care about him, but not in love and I dont think thats fair on either of us. I mean I tried to weigh up whats important, love or longevity, and I chose the latter but I feel like a fraud. Luke is such a good man, and he looks after me, and hes what I need. But not who or what I want. That guy was bad for me and I left him behind in DK.And I miss him. How after over a year- possibly nearer two.. can I not get this guy out of my head and heart? And then theres the other guy wiling to give me what I want, whos here and now and has eveything in place and responsible, but Im not in a position to date him, and even if I was would I even like him? Why was...I so in love with C and I havent even seen him in years and he hurt me so much and Im a totally different person now anyway.

I miss Denmark a lot. Denmark was the best place to bring up children. Not here. I so very much want to have children though, and I think thats the one thing Luke cant give me..

I hate my job, I really dont want to be there, and Im not as still off with my hurt arm. I loved my job at DanaWeb. Not everyday and not when it was stressful and not being picked on by Mia. But I loved making designs and the people. I miss Mie a lot, I miss people that understand me and are not bitchy. Danish girls are generally not bitchy, well Mie wasnt.

Luke says I should go back to Dk for a trip and see how I feel. But you cant go backwards can you? Only forwards. Luke is an amazing gu. He deserves much better than me.

I miss DK I miss more who I was in DK. I was strong and beautiful, and confident. Here I am weak and ugly.

Im so confused. Im always confused. I need someone strong to hold me down and tell me this is how its gonna be. I need someone to be in control. I feel like Im totally out of control. My life is not going the way I want it to be.

Still havent seen any money from my flat, so cant pay any of my debts off. Despite angry emails everywhere no one cares. The money seems to have just disappeared. I miss my lovely apartment, my lovely cats, my lovely beach. I think I was very lonely but whats worse?

I dont understand anything.

Some thoughts

2009-05-06T05:32:00.002+02:00

SO still off work with a damaged arm-hurt in a restraint and been prescribed fentanyl.. a pretty scary opiate. I want to be a web designer again.

Australia. Denmark is very protected the food the tv, Australia is not like this. The food contains ghastly amounts of chemicals and fats, the tv is infomercial after infomercial which grates on your very soul. The children are spoiled, and abused. Its very similar to UK apart from the sunshine and the amazing beaches.

I miss the simplicity of DK, the white sands, the shorter working hours the laws stating you must have a break. The people are warmer here, but the warmth makes them less sharp and spontaneous. I am disgusted by most of what I see, just repulsed and it makes me angry and unhappy.

Perhaps Australia is not the place for me. Perhaps the world is not the place for me... or maybe its just the people.....

Self destruction

2009-04-29T09:59:00.002+02:00

Feeling stronger, apart from the shoulder injury I picked up at work today, but now I have been signed off sick as unfit to work, so at least can get all my paperwork sorted, if I can write!

Christian told me im the most self destructive person he knows. I know I kinda am. Moving to Australia wasnt the worse thing I could have done, but maybe if Id stuck it out longer in DK I could have worked things out.. anyways je ne regret rien!

I do miss DK, and Christian, and Mie, but in reality I didnt fit into DK, I just dont seem to fit anywhere.

AT least here, Luke cares about me and looks after me, and thats more than Ive probably had in my life.

In pursuit of happiness

2009-04-25T11:04:00.003+02:00

So I realise I have a social phobia. Hate being around people. Especially after that work person basically told me eveyone hates me. Nightmare. Was at a workmates wedding today, and I just couldnt wait to get out of there.

So I have social phobias, Im not a nice person, and I feel like crap. WHAT IS THE POINT OF MY EXISTANCE other than pure torture?

I wonder why Luke puts up with me sometimes.

I am definitely not happy though. Australia is not like I thought it would be, its far too similar to UK and working with all UK people and their miserableness and humour that pokes fun at people is doiing my head in. I MISS DENMARK!! I have realised I am more Danish than english.

I have cut all contact with the other man, not that anything happened but he wanted it to, and to distract myself from my sad life I may have slipped into something I didnt want to do. However now i have absolutely no distraction from the boredom and lonliness of it all.

I miss my computer. My computer is my best friend and fulfills all my needs. I need to work with computers again. Not people.

Stuck here on a visa, I dont have many job options. Oh I do just want to fly away.

My shipment is stuck in customs, My money from my flat is stuck in denmark, The rent from my flat is stuck in my old tenants pocket and I am stuck trying to change the person I am into a person not only I like but people around me like.

Fuck. This is hard.

What a life

2009-04-22T10:54:00.004+02:00

Sorry I havent caught up with you in ages, things have been so busy.

Things with Luke havent been great, and since my birthday when that guy asked me out I have been questioning our relationship.

Work hasnt been great either. As always theres one person who really makes my life difficult, always female, and always above average size.

So needless to say IM not too happy right now.

33, and trapped. Missing Denmark. Not sure if I ever will be able to have kids, or be in a job I love again.

Christian has forgotten about me- he forgot my birthday. (Which by the way the pic is from with my friend Jay) I ever forget anyone, and still think about every single person who has meant somethingto me.

Parents still havent called, but they did send money for my birthday which was a surprise...or was it.

Wish I could run away and go travelling again. Not liking myself or my life right now.

Working in a team of english people and english people are so rude and sarcastic to each other I just cant deal with it.

I just ant seem to get anything in my life right at the moment and wondering whether I should be doing something different.

My shipment arrived from DK this week and my flat sold so thats that chapter of my life closed, which hurts. Havent seen the money for the flat yet though! ALso the guy renting my flat didnt pay the last two months so thats pretty annoying too. PLUS he stole all my things.

I think I am just unlucky, these things never seem to happen to anyone else.

Im a loser baby...

2009-03-15T03:35:00.003+01:00

Im never happy. I have no exciting conversations, Im not particularly interesting, Im not funny, and I dont really like being around people, becuase I am scared and ashamed to be around them. Im just not good enough.

I dont have children, I dont have anything of any realy value, I dont have a family...

So when put against Lukes sister, who is confident, well dressed,beautiful, outgoing, the life and soul of the party I feel inadequate. And her weedy, yet strangely full of himself boyfriend really annoys me.

DOnt get me wrong, I love his sister , everyone loves his sister, shes a lovely person. But I am extremely jealous that she can be who she wans and get what she wants and acts perfectly all the time, whereas I am a constant misery and no fun to be around at all.

Im not nice to live with, my mood changes a lot and I cry a lot. I get upset because Luke doesnt do little things to show he cars, like remember valentines or buy me flowers or anything.

And maybe I overcompensate by buying him things all the time, because although I love him I know deep down that Im not totally in love with him.

SOmetimes I feel I just want my life to stop, I cant go on being me anymore, and its just too hard to change.

WHY CANT I BE HAPPY.

Work blues

2009-03-10T03:25:00.002+01:00

Im not sure I like being back in nursing. All these women trying to prove themselves, its crazy. It makes for a instable environment both to work and for the kids. The kids are ok, managable. Like I say its just the staff that make it all so difficult. I feel the difference when on shift with different people. And thats the other thing: shift work is killing me.

Been thinking back to denmark and making it rosey in my mind, but it wasnt I know. I have a better life here, more sunshine, people who care. I just need to find my way out of this job and into one that suits me better.

I do miss Denmark, the danes in general. Yes there were weird bitches like Mia, but in general people were less anxious and more down to earth. People here are a lot less stuffy though.

Still hot here, 32 C today.

My apartment in copenhagen is about to be sold... ridiculously under the asking price, but in this climate what can you do?! At least its sold, and im ready to start over with no ties in dk at all.

The hospital is organising a group sponsored permanent residency. I am not sure what this will mean but sounds very positive, will find out more tomorrow.

I wonder if I will ever be happy. Im not sure everything is totally right right now. Living with Luke feels like having a flatmate right now. We only have a small bed, and he is restless, so hes sleeping in another bedroom. Reminds a bit of my ex husband shortly before we divorced. But hes doing it for me so I can get sleep for my shifts on early starts. Still feels weird though.