Humor Has It

How to Catch a Thief in Parma

noreply@blogger.com (Michele) — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 17:40:00 +0000

It was late and Charlie was about to climb into bed when his wife informed him that there was a light on in their garden shed. Charlie started to go outside to turn off the light but noticed some people in the shed who were busy stealing his things.
He ran back inside right away and called the cops, who asked him "Are there any intruders in your house?" to which Charlie replied no and explained his circumstances. The cops told Charlie that all patrol cars were otherwise occupied, and that he should just lock his door and a uniformed cop would be at his house when one was free.
Charlie answered, "Alright," hung up, waited 30 seconds, and then called the cops again.
"Hello, I just called a short while ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. I want to let you know that they're not a problem anymore because I've just shot every one of them."
Charlie then hung up the phone. In five short minutes, three patrol cars, a SWAT team, and an ambulance arrived, and Of course, the cops caught the burglars in the act.
One of the cops snapped at Charlie: "I thought you said that you shot every one of them!"
"I thought you said there were no patrol cars free!" Charlie answered.

Party at Walmart

noreply@blogger.com (Michele) — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 17:10:00 +0000

I had no idea that there were tailgate parties in Walmart's parking lot!

Why Dinosaurs are Extinct!

noreply@blogger.com (Michele) — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 16:57:00 +0000

Woman Begs For Help From Dear Abby About Her Lying, Cheating Husband

noreply@blogger.com (Michele) — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 14:54:00 +0000

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning. When I confront him, he denies everything.

What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating!

Also, since he lost his job several years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is sit around the living room in his underwear and watch TV while I work to pay the bills.

And since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me. He keeps calling me a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Dump him. You're the Secretary of State now. You don't need him anymore.

The People of WalMart~OMG

noreply@blogger.com (Michele) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 10:24:00 +0000

Okay.... I can't help it, these are too funny!

You have to get there early if you want a good seat!

Please let that be mud......

I bet the fat kid is getting more cake....

Ask all King's horses and all the King's men .....why did they put her back together again?!

In these economic times, even the Walmart smiley face needs a second job!

Here is the ringleader of the circus known as Walmart!

"Does this outfit make me look fat?"

Stop shopping in the skinny girl section!

Litttle Things to Make Life More Interesting

noreply@blogger.com (Michele) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 19:43:00 +0000

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."

4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."

8. Practice making fax and modem noises.

9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.

10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.

13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it
that way."

16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.

17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.

18. Honk and wave to strangers.

19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.

20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

21. type only in lowercase.

22. dont use any punctuation either

23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.

"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."

25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

27. Ask people what gender they are.

28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

30. Sing along at the opera.

31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter
something about "psychological profiles."

Walmart's Real Customers - Gotta love these!

noreply@blogger.com (Michele) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 12:46:00 +0000

Who are you again? Oh never mind.... Texas

Damn girl, just because it’s Halloween doesn’t mean you gotta trick everyone by

letting your treats hang out.

Respect & Class Thanks For Showing Us That You’re An Ass…………..on a side note, why is Ain’t highlighted? Arizona

I don't even want to know how he knows..... Ohio

This isn’t prison buddy, you don’t have to hang on to her. Trust me, no one is thinking about stealing her from you. Virginia

He was just killing time while his supermodel girlfriend was shopping. I’m just kidding,

his mom kicked him out of the basement to go make real friends because all he did was play

World of Warcraft all day.

It looks as if Donald Trump and John Daly morphed into one big creepy being.

Nevada

Why do people feel the need to be so mean to their shorts? Being a pair of gray sweat shorts is embarrassing enough, no need to humiliate them in public like that.

Ohio

Did she pass the inspection? Michigan

Is anyone else absolutely shocked that there would be wrestling outside of a Walmart? I guess the parking lot wasn’t big enough for NASCAR. event.
Tennesse

The only way this could be more creepy was if one of them had their pants off.
Pennsylvania

Technically those suspenders are working. You don’t normally see them used with jean shorts. Of course I usually don’t see a belly apron just hanging out to say “hi” either.
Virginia

He is wearing… a trash bag… as a skirt. I can’t even fathom a reason why! Oklahoma

How VictoryGoddess Did It - How to Get Red Wine Stains Out Of Clothing | eHow.com

noreply@blogger.com (Michele) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 03:10:00 +0000

How VictoryGoddess Did It - How to Get Red Wine Stains Out Of Clothing | eHow.com

Billboards That DO NOT Belong Next To One Another...

noreply@blogger.com (Michele) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 16:31:00 +0000

Wendy's Coupon - Fail!

noreply@blogger.com (Michele) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 15:17:00 +0000

For good behavior, my son received a coupon for a free Wendy's Frosty. It's a great idea for Wendy's to drum up business in these slow economic times. However, can Wendy's afford to have an editor check their coupons before printing!
Or are there Wendy's cusomers that actually want bacon and cheese in their Frosty's? It will cost them....one way or another!

The People of WalMart~This is an interesting look at the real Walmart Customers!

noreply@blogger.com (Michele) — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 20:15:00 +0000

That’s so weird. I was just asking myself “Hey, I wonder if that guy drinks too much or needs to store fuel to please his woman that he constantly has sex with?” Thanks for clearing that up for all of us, it would have been awkward if I had to ask.

Are those ankle weights, half-socks or sweatbands? Does she think that if things are kind of the same color they can go together? Are see-through shorts only appropriate with shiny blue hats? I wish I knew how these things worked.

Early cloning method failures.

I don’t think your hamburger is the only thing you need

Somebody come here and pick up my jaw, I can’t seem to find it now that my eyes popped out of my head

How did this guy find my Osh Kosh B’gosh overalls from when I was 4?

This man is becoming a legend on this site! But when you start to accent the undies with a flannel vest, HOT DAMN!! How could you not be legendary?

I get it. Putting messages on your ass for people to read is still in style. And I get it, Cocks is for South Carolina Gamecocks. But how bout we either have the good sense not to make this, or to not wear it.

We have this picture up so that you can stare at it for 5 minutes to decide if she is hot, then try to convince yourself that you don’t actually think she’s hot when you know she really is.

It’s simple: We, uh, killed Batman.

If you asked a 7 year old to dress himself, he would probably come out looking something like this…

We get it. You were in a Paula Abdul video 20 years ago, awesome! Now please change.

Well, lets all be thankful that at least half is covered.

Excuse me, your balls are showing….

“Where the hell is the cereal aisle?”

Oh, you want to take my son for a ride in your van? Ya sure, I don’t see a problem with that.

I think she has already signed up for season 4 of Rock of Love.

It’s like those shorts are managing to cover nothing and everything at the same time.

I would bet that Granny is packin’ heat.

Quick Fixes

noreply@blogger.com (Michele) — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 18:34:00 +0000

SEX FOR FRITOS

noreply@blogger.com (Michele) — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 13:29:00 +0000

Lahoma Sue Smith of Oklahoma pleaded guilty to a prostitution charge for accepting a box of Frito-Lay chips in exchange for oral sex. Lahoma Sue Smith of Oklahoma plead guilty to a prostitution charge for accepting a box of Frito-Lay chips in exchange for oral sex.

Smith, 36, struck this deal with a man who described himself as a Frito-Lay employee, and the box of chips was valued at $30. She was ordered to pay $1,142 at the sentencing.

Does she have a brother? I have Fritos!

Who Is The Dumb One? Is It Barbie

noreply@blogger.com (Michele) — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 16:51:00 +0000

Barbie Dolls, first introduced in 1959, have been blamed for the onslaught of eating disorders and girls having a poor perception of their own body image. The latest attack by West Virginia lawmaker, Jeffrey Eldridge is to take Barbie off the market. He states the reasoning behind his rationale, "Basically, I introduced legislation because the Barbie doll, I think, gives emphasis on if you're beautiful, you don't have to be smart," Eldridge said.

How dumb can she be? The bitch has everything!

Who has ever encountered an intelligent piece of plastic, even in human form? I guess that would require using your IMAGINATION! ....and Eldridge thinks Barbie is dumb? Maybe HE shouldn't have played with Barbie!

NEXT WEEK: Beer-Bellied Barbie blamed for US obesity.

Today's Humor: At The Office

noreply@blogger.com (Michele) — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 16:06:00 +0000

What Were the Execs at Burger King Thinking?

noreply@blogger.com (Michele) — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 15:33:00 +0000

A friend sent this to me, and I had to pass it along. What do you think?

Whose Name is Worse Than Mike Hunt?

noreply@blogger.com (Michele) — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 17:08:00 +0000

What were his parents thinking?

Having Too Good of a Time at the Masquerade Party

noreply@blogger.com (Michele) — Tue, 05 May 2009 13:43:00 +0000

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.

After sleeping soundly for about an hour, she awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished , naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.
So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: 'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.'

'Did you dance much ?'

'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.

But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..'

For all the WalMart Shoppers

noreply@blogger.com (Michele) — Tue, 05 May 2009 01:39:00 +0000

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

Motivational Posters

noreply@blogger.com (Michele) — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 11:53:00 +0000

Til Death Parts Us...

noreply@blogger.com (Michele) — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 13:41:00 +0000

A woman visits a fortuneteller who tells her, "Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman takes a few deep breaths, steadies her voice and asks, "Will I be acquitted?"

What To Do With The Black Jelly Beans ?

noreply@blogger.com (Michele) — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 12:04:00 +0000

Truth be told, I despise black jelly beans. The fruit jelly beans are delicious, but I have never cared for the taste of anise, whether it is in Ouzo, Sambuca, Pizzelles or candy. Prior to Easter I ordered Fruit Jelly Beans from Malley's candies only to find that it included the little black ones. The bag of fruit beans was devoured within one day post- Easter. What should I do with the dozen or so licorice flavored that lie at the bottom of the candy dish? I was thinking of making jewelry.(please send me your black beans)

Can someone tell me, when did Anise become a fruit?

Bank Error in My Favor

noreply@blogger.com (Michele) — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 15:03:00 +0000

Take A chance and lose the cash?

I was checking my bank statement online and noticed a deposit for $295.00 that I didn't recall making. Most of my deposits are direct or through PayPal so thought I would call and ask the origin of this particular deposit.

The young lady on the phone informed me that it was made at the drive-thru window but couldn't tell me what was included in the deposit. She then added, "I can request a copy for you."

"Does it cost anything?" I inquired, knowing there is always a charge for everything.

"Well if it is our mistake then 'no' but if you did in fact make that deposit it will cost 5 dollars."

"Okay, so I am either going to be out 5 bucks or $295.00. That's okay I really don't want to know that bad."

TOP TEN: Customer Service Via Telephone

noreply@blogger.com (Michele) — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 16:34:00 +0000

One would think that with all the stupid people I have come across this week, I would not be experiencing writer’s block. Since I can't seem to write anything substantial, I have decided to incorporate the events of the last week into my “Top Ten” Pet Peeves when dealing with customer service via telephone....

10. If I already punched in my account number why do you ask again when you answer?
9. When I call, why does it seem your computers are running “slow today”?
8. Putting me back on hold for 10 minutes does not mean I will go away..I am a persistent bitch!
7. If you don’t know the answer ... don’t make one up!
6. Is there anyone there that speaks English a little better than yourself?
5. “Your name is Mike?" (Bob, Joe, John etc)
4. Why do I have to “press or say” account number, name, etc. through several menus before I can speak to a real person? (Note*I’ve found a solution for this one, if you start cussing you will be asked by the friendly automated voice “Did you say agent?”)
3. Assume that I have already attempted the simple things first before I called you. No need to go over the 'obvious'.
2. “Oh, you only know the ‘obvious’ then I will need to talk to the supervisor for help.”
1. “So... you’re not any smarter than the last person, just that you started a few weeks before him so you got to be supervisor.”

Bosnian Arrest

noreply@blogger.com (Michele) — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 01:32:00 +0000

Police in Bosnia have arrested a man who tried to kill his mother-in-law with an antitank missile and then a machine gun, and missed her both times.

The reason he tried to kill her? She said that he is a loser who failed at everything he ever tried to do.

- Jay Leno