MyVISIONS_MyIDEALS

The Parent-Child Moment

2012-01-18T10:50:00.004+08:00

Creativity + Imagination + Education + Growth + Your Very Own Parent-Child Experience

Inspired by a Local-bred Creative and Innovative Guru cum Father Uncle Bugs and a Writer cum Mother Elaine Dong, I see an idea of Parent-Child Relationship Made Simple. And most of all, resource-efficient, for both time and money, and it definitely serves the purpose of education and creativity encouragement as well as cultivation of meaningful parent-child relationship.

Today’s parents are so tied up in terms of quality time and faced with insurmountable challenges on how to raise their children to be competitive and independent, giving room to so many early childhood development programs that spring up like mushrooms in Singapore and Malaysia, and of course the world around. The question is, are we really so inapt in bringing up our own toddlers and teens that we have to assign the entire responsibility to professional coaches and educators? Rendering ourselves irrelevant to our children as they grow slowly out of our influences? The modern day upbringing dilemma – who’s your biggest hero and why? Gaga? Bieber? Jolie? Anybody on the papers but not my parents, coz they were never there when I really needed them, they don’t understand me!

Whose fault is that? Was it not our inability to create a meaningful experience with them even with incredibly limited time available? No excuses. It doesn’t take more than 1 hour a week for you to create an experience worth decades to come if you put your mind and heart into tailor-making a unique experience for your very own child. And it means more than the paychecks you are about to take in a year to come, even up to a decade to come, depending on how you value a relationship or the unquantifiable value of love when you really need them (PS: Look down 30 years from now when your professional life no longer gives you satisfaction of any kind, who do you need most then? A child who pays for homecare fees or a child who spends that meaningful 1 hour a week chat with you to share about his moments in life?).

Anyway, back to the idea.

Take a short 1 committed hour to engage your child with these activities:

1. If he or she is of 3 year of age to 9: build a story book with him or her. It can be as simple as a 4 page cardboard you cut out with him or her at his or her favorite shapes to write, draft or draw his or her stories. Be it imaginative or real. And start encouraging his or her creativity and thinking process by suggesting the key questions what, who, where, when, which and most importantly, WHY? Trust me, you’ll love it. It might even tickle your funny bones seeing how adorable or insanely irrational the stories could be. Perhaps telling you what being a father or mother is such a fun thing to attempt in life. And in case if you started figuring your child has a demonic imagination or darker side of his stories, wouldn’t it be better you know it earlier than later and try by not being judgmental, slowly encouraging more positively vibes into his stories and the future you are about to paint with him.

2. If he is of 10 years or above up to any teenage years or young adults (depending on his rational thinking progress): teach him or her that life is not a bed of roses and we are here to solve problems, of big and small. And those are golden opportunities in life. Encourage him or her to think outside the box and look for wants and desires and build answers, solutions or even product concepts around them. Remember, the key is resource constraints. Understand that life is like a limited resource pool with loads of demands by every individual, and the ones who are able to fill those gaps are the ones who can demand for the most handsome rewards and resources.

Enough for today. Hopefully you get inspired today just as much as I got inspired by these 2 “Creators”.

Love today like there’s no tomorrow to love.

Signed off by your very own,
Christopher Shee (who craves inspiration and ideas)

The Answer

2012-01-12T04:35:00.001+08:00

The quest has never ended.
You continue pondering and searching.
Questioning, theorizing and testing.
What exactly are you looking for?
What is the missing piece?
What is the craving?
What is the real desire?
What is the true need?
What is the you sleeping inside the physical you?
What is he trying to tell you?
There is a conflict of interest.
There is a huge conflict of rationale and emotional desire.
While the brain is active and trying hard to prove his dominance over actions of the body and emotions of the soul, it failed to understand the very fact that it acts upon emotional appeal fundamentally speaking.
It is the instinctive gut feeling and emotional desire or appeal that gets the rationale of the brain to defend and falsify judgments and reasoning to decisions. It is not the brain that ultimately dictates his actions.
Rationale is perhaps overrated.
This is the age of psychology.
Where almost every research and statistic is vying to point towards how irrational one behaves.
Contradictory to all factual and rational modules, humans fail to act wisely at least as accordance to logical rationale.
So what is my point?
Look at yourself closely in the mirror.
Can you tell the fights you are having between your emotional actions and your rational actions?
Day in day out are you not acting in a way you are expected to in order to be approved and desirable so as to fit in and be appreciated and loved, perhaps in an artificial manner, the way you are expected to.
But deep down there is a sense of misbelonging.
Disassociation.
Something simply does not make sense but rationally there wasn’t a piece suggesting otherwise.
It was merely an intuitive feeling that the missing piece is the vital piece.
We speak and act as though intellect, achievement milestones and proving that we are undeniably the best will get us what we ultimately desire.
While on the other hand ignore the unstable emotional hints the body and soul is trying to signal to us.
We know that when caught unguarded, we act emotionally. Just the way we shop for things that we simply love based on physical appeal, the way we turn back to stare again at something visually stunning, the way we crave for bizarre stories even if there is no truth supporting it, etc.
So what is the point again.
We missed the very fact that we crave for just that little bit more of love and attention for the who we are, not the what we have achieved or capable of delivering!
But the sad fact is we got them so mixed up!
Either because we got so frustrated we decided to follow the general wisdom of fighting for pride and recognition which will naturally lead to rewards and then what we deserve.
Or we just want to blindsight ourselves to not reach the point of breaking with lost hopes and lost desires, lost significance and self-pity thoughts.
So what is the answer?
Do we not crave to be a simple magnetic product that appeals so irrationally to people we want so they act instinctively gravitating towards us without us having to do much brain work or physical work and still helpless with the results we wanted?
Confused?
Don’t get the point?
Perhaps in a certain hidden corner of our subconscious, we rather be the dump blonde or the dumb bimbo who turn heads and stir desires than to be the smart Harvard analyst who knows how everything works or the rich sugar daddy or rich sugar mummy who gets to splash the cash just to have our hands on anything we could ever dream for.
It is still as hollow as ever when you give in to the deep emotional lust you have hiding in that private little spot you lock up for who-knows-what.
We ain’t no perfect creature. We are humans. We have flaws and we crave for the wrong things or the right things for the wrong reasons. Take a silent moment to ourselves and reflect upon those values we set so rigidly to deny our rights to crave like a beast for blood, wins and sex.
Where do we stand as the king of all beasts?
What is the right balance of actions and freedom to take?
At what costs and stakes?
To what end?
For what will?
For love and our addiction to what we crave in silence.
I wish for public census in silence that we understand, we feel, we share and we accommodate.
Love, the big word for a tiny planet we call mother earth.

Emptiness

2011-10-02T15:11:00.000+08:00

Like a terrified child running with no clear directions..

Occasionally looking back to make sure it is not following him..

Unable to name the fear..

It feels empty and completely void..

And it grows..

From heart to mind, to existence and then to the air he breathes..

The food he eats, the places he go, the people he meets..

What is this emptiness all about?

No matter where he runs, what he does, it comes chasing after him..

And it begins to manifest in his work, responsibilities, relationships and everyday life..

It numbs his senses..

Everythings looks, tastes, feels, proves the same..

And the mind kept attempting to ridicule its works..

Like a cunning demon finding fault with everything he does..

There is no answer to this void..

Is there a cure to this emptiness?

Sometimes there is too much ticking in the brain that stress begins to result..

The setting of expectations cripples the body and mind..

Contradictory..

Perhaps the challenge is still to accept it and finding a balance between both extremes..

Emptiness..

The state of non excitement.

A brain that craves content, ever new contents to fill..

An addiction to the unknown beauty of theories..

An admiration of the ever changing landscape of the arts..

Perhaps emptiness is a friend.

A friend who prepares you for the unprecedented in life.

The coming of more thrills and fun.

Happiness is a Commitment

2011-09-25T20:49:00.000+08:00

Is happiness attainable?

Is happiness permanent or temporary?

What gives rise to happiness?

What are the prerequisites to happiness?

How much does happiness cost?

Does your past dictate your present and future happiness?

To be honest, does the above questions matter?

Sometimes we look into the eyes of the happy people, we realize happiness is just simplicity. Living in the present and loving yourself and others with no other complicated thoughts.

So what if people gets hurt eventually? At least they were genuinely happy before. At least they get to speak and act their minds, with no holding backs.

I just came across this interesting site on How To Find Happiness in Everyday Living. It is quite inspiring and true to a certain extend.

Below are some of the statements i copied from its posts.

You can’t “find” happiness. Happiness finds you. Happiness is a by-product of living a life which is in line with the highest ideals you have for yourself.

Nothing outside of ourselves can make us feel long-term inner-peace and happiness. Conversely, nothing outside of ourselves has the power to keep us chained to long-term unhappiness.

We’re not happy with our lives because we’re not happy with ourselves or who we have become. There may be a constant nudging at our conscience telling us we’re no good or don’t deserve to be happy. Consequently, we continually sabotage ourselves and our lives.

As if love and respect from others is conditional depending on how well we’re living up to our potential. This only validates the way we already feel on the inside. We know we’re not the person we’d like to be or know we could be; it sure doesn’t help hearing it from others. That’s why we may get defensive at times when we’re nagged about not living up to our potential.

But deep inside there was always this scared little boy who was afraid of not being accepted or loved. I really had no idea who I was or how to live a happy life. To me, happiness was having a steady job and partying! Having a good time and happiness are not the same thing.

The answer to “how to live a happy life” is the same as it has always been; find and accept your true authentic self and live as true to that as possible.

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”
-Ghandi

A victim is a spectator in their own life and you do not have to be a victim, you can choose to be a survivor and become responsible for your own happiness.

“At some point you have to realize that everything happens for a reason. It is up to you to find that reason, learn from it, and let it take you to the place you’re supposed to be—not just where you have ended up.”

If you really think about the unhappiness in your life, it stems from regret of the past or fear of the future. So the key to living a happy life then is learning how to stay in the moment.

The reason you struggle with staying in the moment is because your head fills up with how inadequate you are, regrets, fears, etc. so you keep busy; running around and trying not to stop too long or you might realize how screwed your are!

“All misery derives from the inability to sit in a quiet room alone.”
- Author Unknown

The question is, do you really want to be happy?

The truth about six pack abs

2011-09-20T22:04:00.000+08:00

What Exactly is The Truth About Six Pack Abs?

The Truth About Six Pack Abs is often a total bodyweight reduction program written by an experienced fitness trainer, Mike Geary. In this exercise program, you will find many things that might shock you mentally and physically at the same time.

In the Truth About Six Pack Abs book, Mike claims that this is the only way to reduce stomach fat and acquire awesome looking abs for both men and women by losing overall excess fat. I find without doubt this claim is realistic. I mean when was the final time you saw a 210lb overweight men or women which has a flat abs?

It is typical sense that Mike has broken the claims of countless informercials and Ab Machines that claim to acquire sexy abs in A WEEK!!! Well, now you know that's stupid and impossible unless they offer an elliptical trainer workout routine and also a crazy diet that may literally burn 20-30lbs off one's body in a mere 1 week.

In the Truth About Six Pack Abs book, you will notice that there is equal importance shared among core body practicing 6-pack abs, diet and nutrition information in the most necessary details, and total body workouts routines that could definitely impress you...

The Truth About Six Pack Abs - Content
- Shocking foods that burn belly fat
- 2 so-called "health" foods that you should NEVER eat
- Motivation secrets for lifelong fitness success
- 1 unique "trick" to reduce junk-food cravings
- Weird workouts that burn abdominal fat faster than typical "cardio"
- The TRUTH about getting flat abs without bogus "fat burner" pills

How Do We Get Sick?

2011-09-11T20:15:00.009+08:00

Today i attended an interesting session sharing about the power of our minds by Happy Science.

The fundamentals of the talk was to empower us to perform self healing with our mental will power.

What are the 3 sources to why people get illnesses?

1. They harbor negative thoughts towards others.
Eg: skepticism, jealousy, hatred, grudge, disgust, greed, etc.

2. They harbor negative thoughts towards themselves.
Eg: self pity, self denial, etc.

3. They demanded for love from others.

You might ask what supports the above theory? I was especially alarmed with the 3rd source shared. But thinking about it, i believe it does make simple logical sense.

I'll leave that for you to find out. Just one reminder, the human mind is capable of inflicting pain in others. It is also capable of creating suffering and illnesses to ownself. As much as it is capable of creating pain and illnesses, it is capable of curing it too.

It takes only an unshakable will power of the mind to create what the human desires.

What's with Breathing and Destressing???

2011-09-07T23:02:00.000+08:00

There is a saying in yoga: When you can control your breath, you can control everything.

We're all born knowing how to breathe. Watch a baby breathe. See how he automatically fills up his entire abdomen and ribs like a little balloon? He doesn't breathe only from the upper chest in short, rapid gasps. As we age, we develop inefficient breathing habits as the result of other habits such as smoking...

Breathing is a healing tool, according to a friend of mine who practice yoga, and it can be relearned with practice. How do we get back to the "breath of babes"?

The ultimate destressing comes with slowing the breath to 1 to 2 breaths per minute, my friend says. He suggests doing three to five of those extremely slow breaths when I really need to relax and I will feel like a new person.

However, on this Wednesday evening, I can't even come close to that new person in me. You must practice the skills at night, my friend says, and then use them during the day. He recommends posting notes throughout the house, near the telephone, on the computer monitor to remind myself to breathe deeply.

Breathing: Easy and Free Destressing... Destressing is not just a bunch of hot air or is it?

Can I Fix Depression Temporarily The coOL Way?

2011-08-29T20:47:00.000+08:00

I am really kind of depressed lately i must admit. I totally shut myself out from the people, i don't really care about any topic of conversations anymore and just wish i can be invisible for as much time i can buy to stir clear from interfering with anyone's business.

For some reasons i really felt like a major failure..

And seriously i wish i have a mentor cum idol who is there for me to just follow, benchmark with and see what i can make of myself in this life.

Imagine myself as a product specimen, hmm..

Okay forget about me for a time being. Time to count down on some of the coOL things that fixes my depression temporarily~!

#5. Twisties Chipster Chips with Sour Cream and Onion~ Whoa it reminds me of my guilty pleasures those days back in school. As much as it hurts my body and health, surprisingly it puts a smile on my face wahaha~

#4. Jack 'n Jill Roller Coaster Ninja Hot Plate!~ Squeeze the rings on every one of your fingers and i bet you'll lick them one by one after it's done and still checking every corner inside of the pack if there's anything left for you to discover haha~ muacks~! >.<

#3. Oh my holy Kit Kat.. Have a break, have a kit kat~ you definitely need this. hehee.. i've a whole big pack of it in the fridge. =P

#2. Marmalade's Oreo Cheese Cake! I'm still craving it. hehe.. but preferably without the chocolate sauce. hehe.. muacks i'm lovin' the cheese and the oreo toppings~ >.<

Guess what's my #1?

A Guy's Watch

2011-08-22T23:54:00.002+08:00

All designer watch brands offer different unique designs of watches. They are making new innovations in the field of men's watches to make the guys look fashionable. However; when one goes to buy men's watches, one should be sure about the kind of watch they wish to buy. For this, there are certain things that you need to keep in mind while buying men's watches.

There are various brands to reckon with in the field of men's watches. They adhere to key virtues like authenticity, provide valuable service and guarantee enduring performance of their watches. Every brand offers different kinds of watches. Thus, you will be able to get a watch of your own choice with great ease. Some designer watch brands from which you can pick a men's watch are Alessi, Amplifyd, Andy Warhol, Casio, D&G, Ice-Watch, Nixon, Ted Baker, Skagen and many more.

One of my favorite is an American brand call Nixon. It is not a Swiss watch but I love the design...

PRAJNA ADVISORS: CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNER ON WISE MONEY PLANNING: Can You Survive Rising Medical Bills Without Medic...

2011-07-15T22:26:00.000+08:00

PRAJNA ADVISORS: CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNER ON WISE MONEY PLANNING: Can You Survive Rising Medical Bills Without Medic...: "It might surprise you that we suggest ways for you to survive medical inflation without medical insurance, but as a matter of fact, this c..."

Love or Infatuation?

2011-05-31T18:18:00.002+08:00

Copied from Michael Foley's The Age of Absurdity:

"infatuation is transcendent; love in down to earth.

infatuation creates a fantasy; love accepts a reality.

infatuation is an addiction; love is a commitment.

infatuation craves unity; love cherishes separateness.

infatuation evades responsibility; love wholeheartedly accepts it.

infatuation is effortless; love is hard work.

which makes the transition hard."

According to answers.com definition. Infatuation is

A foolish, unreasoning, or extravagant passion or attraction. See synonyms at love.
An object of extravagant, short-lived passion.

Read more: http://www.answers.com/topic/infatuation#ixzz1NvMpi51R

It seems the mystery of love is still unknown. But one thing for sure, if Michael Foley is right, I have not experienced love but merely infatuation.

The Perfect Body At What Cost?

2011-05-30T12:38:00.002+08:00

Obsessed with being wanted and adored more?

Obsessed with heads turning for nobody else but you?

I'm not sure if you've done what's necessary to gain those pecks and perfectly muscled and toned physique.

But if you're still not happy with it and believe probably you are just following the wrong regime with the wrong coaches, this Muscle Maximizer Program might be a worth try.

No harm finding it out if it cost just $67.

I believe no testimony is better than your very own.

Compared to the hundreds and thousands spent on supplements and gym memberships, the potential of increased confidence and appeal, probably it's worth just listening to what the expert has to say.

It's up to you hehe.. =)

Just click on the "click here" button below if you're interested to find out more. =) Thanks.

Click Here!

A Child's World Compared to An Adult's

2011-05-29T12:01:00.000+08:00

As a child, he wants attention; growing into an adult he learned that attention comes with more expectations, expectations to uphold a self he is not.

As a child, he wants to be a teacher and help others learn the subjects better; as an adult he learns that knowing does not answer the endless desires and quests in life, and that stupidity is probably the answer to happiness.

As a child, he loves to joke around and just make people happy; as an adult that foolishness is over judged with the depth of his jokes, the creativity of it, and the naivety of it, proven tasteless.

As a child he wants to be there for any friend who simply loves his presence around; as an adult he finds that empty and barely fulfilling, for unknown reasons his mind wanders and believes he could have some better activities to fill that little bit of time left for the self, how arrogant and ignorant.

As a child, he believes that he wants success and that being an adult he will find freedom and ability to get what he wants; but as a adult he learned his options are only growing narrower than ever.

As a child he looks forward to weekdays when he can see his friends again and play whole day long, knowing at home he would suffer loneliness; as an adult, he learns that he craves for that few more weekends just wanting to get away from the hypocrites and wildly sophisticated world he can not understand, just to have some privacy so he acts no more to please.

A child grows up with the hope to master the universe as an adult; only to know he rather be a child when he's there, that there's never ending conformity, that he only gets lonelier as he learns more about who he is; and wonders what's next when he gets older, when nobody craves for his body anymore.

What's your flavor of life?

Breeze, sweat, radio, winks, hugs, blue sky, water, shoes, giggles, timeless, empty reasons, more laughter, surprises, no plans, black out, dreams unfold, random books, random pictures, children still laughing and running rounds and rounds, bicycles, people walking, random smiles, pillows, jumping and more jumping, people saying thank you, differences celebrated..

Big Bad Wolf

2011-05-28T21:36:00.000+08:00

He sits inside you..

Trying to dominate every thought in your mind..

Make you feel like the worst breed..

Tell you how useless you are..

Make you feel wrong about almost all judgments..

Over time it shuts you from all other possible links..

Except the passive ones..

You lost confidence..

Lost ground..

You just wana get away..

Far far away from everything..

And hide yourself from all man who claims to know more..

You refuse to listen..

There's just endless commands and instructions to do otherwise..

I wonder if you really are the big bad wolf..

Or are you the angel in disguise?

All i know is i'm split into inaction now..

Incapable of seizing any opportunity given to me..

Mr big bad wolf, can you please let me go?

Give me confidence that i can do something well and my life would be well in the future as well?

Please don't make me feel guilty for nothing..

Worry for nothing..

Sad for nothing..

And denied or rejected..

For who i am..

Can we be friends and hold hands down the steep path in life?

I am scared when i'm alone, sad to say but i still rather have you stand next to me even if you're the big bad wolf..

At least you never leave me..

You were always there, were you not?

When i need someone to talk to..

To feel..

To love..

Hmm..

I really really really don't know where i'll end up sometimes..

All i need is for you to tell me, just go for it whatever your heart feels.

When you fail or feel bad, i'm here for you.

I promise.

Aww...

Big warm hugz mr big bad wolf.. Muacks~~ >.<

Endless Speed to Nowhere

2011-05-28T15:31:00.001+08:00

to what end?

every action seems to be self-defeating..

digging yourself deeper and deeper into an endless hole..

"stupidity, selfishness and good health are the 3 prerequisites of happiness, though if stupidity is lacking the others are useless." - Gustave Flaubert.

then what is education for?

everything seems to be leading to nothing..

and nothing leads to everything..

i want to be a part of something and play in the mud like crazy people and don't care about what happens later..

constantly showered with what's next?

and all other things that really do not matter..

can you name me one place where i can start all over again and just learn how to love again?

to love life, to love people, to love everything i see and just hug a body to cry when it doesn't work the way it should?

defeated.

i just want to make people happy but i always feel outta place and outta time..

and i don't know how to get rid of that self-defeating senses..

don't tell me just be positive and get rid of the big bad wolf who shit talks to me.

cause the big bad wolf has already taken my body and mind..

that you might have to kill me to kill it.

i need a place where everybody giggles and gives big warm hugs..

=(

Strengths? Talents? Calling? Purpose? Neccessity?

2011-05-25T12:10:00.000+08:00

Talent is overrated.

Discipline is the key in today's fast paced world.

Strengths being the consistent near perfect performance in an activity demands discipline in carrying out the same repeating patterns everyday with success and happiness.

Calling being the the thing that fits your life purpose.

Purpose being the mental connections you build to fit yourself into the big picture of your life.

Necessity being the undeniable fact that you need to work to earn the money to survive.

Seriously, how many people can find the perfect job?

It does not exist depending on how you define a perfect job.

I was told I just have to find pleasure in the job i have taken and make the best out of it.

And soon my funds will deplete.

Happy?

I just want to feel useful doing something I'm really good at doing and feel good about myself without having to hide the real feelings.

Not easy.

Mentor?

You know, I always fear what happens if down the roads my options grew lesser and lesser and my dreams shrink into the size of reality..

Imagination restricted..

Impostor syndrome..

Random..

Disconnected..

Power off.

The Real Me??

2011-05-24T12:42:00.003+08:00

A lot of times i wonder why am I not happy..

With so many fortunate events playing around me..

People who care about me..

People who still believe in me..

Do you know what is the roots to all those sadness?

It's that they all say the same thing..

There is so much potential in you..

And I don't want to see it wasted..

Can you tell me what exactly that potential is?

Why everything feels so empty and unreal..

So who is the real me?

The real me?

The real me is probably a person so pathetic..

The real me is so insecure..

So afraid of being alone and not loved..

The real me can hardly do anything other than feel and try to find connections that tick..

The real me does not understand why I always hear squeaky noises under people's masks..

And I feel pity and confused about all those shits..

The real me craves to hug and find a soul mate..

The real me feels like an alien in a world of people who seem so sure of what they do and what they want in life..

The real me is so afraid of being rejected that before I even noticed, I camouflaged into the being you want me to be..

I don't know how I do it if you believe that is who I am, cause I just instinctively know that that is the me that you will approve and accept..

But it can not stay long at the same position..

Because it is afterall not a genuine me..

It feels freaking tiring..

And I continue to hear noises of expectations and what I should be..

Sometimes I just want to be alone..

Because it is the only time when I can put aside who I should be and come back to earth..

Let loose all the confused emotions and just feel for one fucking moment, like a real human..

With emotions..

With flesh and blood..

With eyes to see, with ears to listen, with nose to smell, with the body to feel the senses, and the mouth to taste and whisper to my other selves..

And most importantly, being invisible..

Without being judged..

The real me?

I fear competition..

I'm not the macho guy you can ask for protection or answers in life..

The real me lives in the fantasy world and not the real world..

I dream..

It is probably the only thing that is keeping me alive..

The real me just want to find people who feels my dreams no matter how stupid it is..

Just want to feel that I'm not alone..

The real me hopes I can make others happy..

The real me can cry out of nowhere and i also don't know why..

Just because I feel that something is not right..

The real me is afraid of competition..

Not good at taking criticism..

Just want to be of help..

Even knowing that I can hardly do anything right..

It's the little me that is hiding..

That is why I always feel so miserable about life..

Because nothing I am doing reflects the real me..

I'm just a coward playing hide and seek with my real identity..

Someday my shadows will finally reach me and pull me down under into the realms of hell.

And you know what the funniest part is?

In a short moment of minutes, I will get back to normal..

I will forget who I am, and live in the expectations of people again..

That's why I'm so pathetic.

Just because of one thing..

I can't find a solid reason to be really proud of being myself.

Who Are You and What Do You Want?

2011-05-24T01:55:00.000+08:00

If I were to think back..

There were moments in my life that I was really happy..

I was needed so much and it was personal..

It is about doing something, being the most crucial support to the people i care about..

Or for the people I love..

It really is not about the job..

It is about finding that special friend or people that I want to build my purpose around..

The person should not be a child because I am not a pedophile..

And I do not plan to be one either..

But I want something that matters to build my life around..

Or at least some exposures to get around the possibilities and the potential people I feel attached to..

If there is a career that can pave me roads to a better opportunity to meeting people that I'm attracted to..

Still it makes little sense..

I'm fucking 25 now..

It's now or never..

Soon before you notice, age might catch up and I may no longer have the gift to love like mad young lovers..

And I don't even have the fucking courage to love despite all odds..

Fuck I hate this feeling.

For once fucking sake, they are everywhere but you just can't fucking find a reason to come around..

What more to ask to hang around?

When are the people gonna fucking pretend there's no issue about it..

Come on pal, let's just take a ride to brokeback mountain..

And see it for yourself what feeling attached to is..

You wish you know why.. You wish you know for sure.. You wish you can..

What can I do to make myself better and better wanted in return?

I can't even face myself in the mirror sometimes why do I feel so wronged to have feelings for the unknown..

Feelings..

2011-05-22T22:44:00.000+08:00

In school, teachers tell you it is not right to dislike another person..

That we should love each other no matter how different we are..

But when you grow up into an adult, the real world tells you a different story..

Because this is when you have adult feelings..

You started falling in love with people for no reasons..

You started wanting more than friendship..

You wanted to get close, intimate..

And the rules started to get gray..

You can no longer ask your mummy why you can not get what you want?

That all you wanted is the love from that person..

And nothing more than that..

But you just can't..

Because the person has no feelings for you..

You continue to ask why?

You ask am I not good enough?

You got confused..

You wanted to ask the person..

But he refused to answer your question..

He has the rights to ignore you..

Even to hate you or condemn you..

You don't understand why..

For you learned that that is the only thing you want from this life..

And you have no answers to how you can get him..

You started a journey of searching..

To find the lost world of love and intimacy..

The working world does not offer answer to that..

It is a professional arena where people deal with each other with manners, ethics, respect and decency..

People behave so artificially..

But to a certain extend that is good behavior and properly governed standards of practice..

You still feel lost..

Occasionally trying to improve yourself better..

But you know it does not really matter..

That no matter how perfect you are, the person you love owes no responsibility to love you in return..

It is just a mystery..

One that you crave understanding and to master in but defeated over and over again..

For who loves you you feel not, for who you love love you not.

So what is love?

They say it is give and take..

Whatever the world of Titanic?

Romeo and Juliet?

The one most important reason you live for?

Feeling..

Senses..

Intimacy..

Affection..

Assurance..

Love.

The final question is.. Why do you have feelings for him?

To What End?

2011-05-21T17:04:00.000+08:00

This question suddenly hit my mind and it kind of makes me dizzy.

A toast to the quest of life?

A lot of random lines i read from different places..

In an attempt to find common place perhaps where the answer lies..

Senses.. "The birth of the mind kills human senses." - from a book I find very interesting, The Dream Seller. Something I'd randomly thought of some time ago and just updated on my resume, to embark in a business of selling dreams..

I don't know why I wrote that.

But I know I am searching for something that might continuously open my mind to more wonders in life.

Kind of missed being back in university..

It is more about ideas and thinking out of the box that gives you an identity. A personality. A trait. Senses..

There is no right or wrong..

Perhaps I should attune my mind to profits. Then I shall be able to find common ground with the real world.

A toast to money, to materials, to fame, to glory, to power, to sex.

But I'm still longing for the ultimate answer of love.

A quest that bothers me all the time, at least when jobs and works started to repeat its cycle again..

Perhaps I should really live a dual or multiple life. =)

Haha so kewt~ >.<

Masculinity Defined

2011-05-16T00:03:00.000+08:00

Had you wondered if you are doing it right? LOL~

It is somewhat like a standard to conform to in order to earn the rights to be a "man".

Based on what I observed, I would assume it is a almost deceptive form of strength, because how do you define strength?

Intelligence inform us there are so many types of strengths, nobody possesses all, not even to mention a few crucial ones.

Is the ability to love considered a form of strength too?

How about the ability to emotionally connect with people?

These do not seem anywhere close to the conventional masculinity definition.

Is masculinity then perfection in the way a man perform his acts in the public?

Then what about perfect pretending male chauvinists who ended up beating their wives at the homes when nobody sees them doing so?

Then is the perfect torso and roman gladiator bodies.

Not everybody is capable of building such perfect bodies.

Then the general man who does not work out hard enough in the gym will feel freaking small.

Poor men.

Then the ability to earn handsome incomes and support a family.

Do you seriously think most men has no pressure sustaining their well perceived lives?

Had you heard of the number of highly paid professional fathers starting to fear the loss of their jobs when their age started to catch up and their children are still in school?

And then the public started to introduce the male virility by hair loss program and other perfectly healthy physique stuffs.

Haha it just makes me wonder what exactly does masculinity mean?

So I looked up in the online dictionary.

In many cultures, the basic characteristics of masculinity include physical prowess (strength, fitness, and a lack of laziness), courage, wisdom, and honourable or righteous behaviour.

Well a lot of times I get lazy.

Well my fitness standard is still questionable especially with my arguable lifestyles.

Courage well.. Watch the recent Hollywood movies that portray more female courage than men. Haha..

As for righteousness..

How many profit business that are surviving today really are perfectly ethical?

Okay let's focus on fitness and not being lazy for now.

Good luck men, in your pursuit of masculinity.~ ^_^

Cam Gigandet's image in The Fight Club really does seem to portray the kind of masculinity most guys would believe cool right? At least I think so. But what if I just can't be that? Does that mean I'm then not man enough?

Virility. Hmm.. Man. Also intrigued by being wanted, getting the attention and be craved for.. Isn't that what everyone wants regardless of sex, race and anything else?

The Fucking Secret That Kills His Life

2011-05-15T16:40:00.006+08:00

Had you ever asked yourself where you want to go in life?

What you want to see and feel?

Who you want to be with?

How you want to live?

He does not have the courage to ask himself all the above questions..

Probably he does not even know the answers..

All he knows is that his life is doomed eversince more important whys did not get answered to his likings..

He began to dread life..

Reluctant to take up responsibilities and face the people..

Because some people are plain evil..

And they'll do anything to make your life miserable..

... ... ...

He was very young that time..

Most of his childhood memories were lost in time..

Sometimes he wonders if he was afraid to remember..

He was such a lovable child..

Everybody loves him..

Seriously, everybody.

Except one. His father.

He did not remember clearly what happened..

But he felt it even after tens of years down the road in his fucking life..

He remembered how his father commented he was not tough enough..

He remembered how his cries were in such misery even if it was nothing big deal his father scolded him over..

Was he craving for his father's attention when he was a child?

He did not know..

But he knew that started his journey of denial..

It started to screw his fucking life..

Because he knew his father disowns him for being not man enough..

He was fucking bad with sports and he was good with girls..

While his brothers were the sportsmen who his father is so proud of..

He did well in his academic results but his father still hated him..

But it did not matter, because his mother loved him so much..

Everything was fine until his first year in highschool..

He met a bully..

A few bullies..

For some reasons, they picked on him..

They called him a pussy..

The memory that he wished he can erase forever..

They would call him a pussy no matter where they met him in the school..

In front of anybody anywhere..

To make a fool of him..

He did not fucking understand why..

He wanted to ask did he act like a pussy or was it just because he ignored the bully when the bully tried to make friend with him on the first day in school?

The bully was annoying..

Why of all people, him..

It did not matter and it should not..

Not if his father never said he was not man enough..

It only made him feel more like a bitch..

He took things literal and serious whatever the fuck people says..

He felt rejected because he was a pussy..

Did he really fucking acted like a pussy??

What had he done wrong?

He so hated school that time..

At least sometimes..

Because he was very conscious and he took the comment to heart..

But it did not matter and it should not matter. Should it?

If he were to have confidence and assurance of himself??

Do you fucking think he would??

He remembered how his father commented he should make more male friends and not just so many girl friends..

Big deal huh??

Did he not have any male friends?

Or did his dad mean male friends who were male chauvinist?

Male friends who acted as if they are the superior male breeds??

It made him feel even smaller..

He was never good enough was he?

No matter what he does..

He became very conscious of his acts..

That it is not manly to tell how he feels about things..

That it is not manly to have too many girl friends..

That it is not manly that a man does not play sports well..

That it is not manly to be the victim or to not be aggressive..

That it is not manly to feel his mother's craving for romance and affection..

These were not things he were told by his father..

He simply deduced it based on his observations and experiences..

He started to become somebody else slowly in the process..

He did not know why..

All he knew was that he was unhappy..

Maybe he was too lucky that everybody loved him..

And he grew greedy to crave that from the few people who do not..

But he still failed miserably in getting that..

Those did not matter either..

Time passed..

Nothing serious happened in his life..

Until the first year in his matriculation study..

He knew a friend who is big and strong..

At least from the outset..

An all rounder sportsman..

He still remembered his quest in matriculation was so different from the rest of the students..

He was not there to ultimately aim to enroll into any prestigious courses..

He was there to find himself..

He wanted to know what he wished to do in life..

For some unknown reasons..

This all rounder sportsman was so close to him..

And many others too..

This friend was especially close to him that he felt like he was his baby..

This friend would come to him to seek confidence and advices..

And most of all companionship..

And this friend made him realize that no matter how tough a person looks like from the outset, there's always a child deep down in there craving for the love and care..

A child who is afraid of a lot of things but never had the courage to admit it..

And somehow he is gifted in bringing out that little baby in someone else..

He started falling in love..

Never in his fucking life he felt so needed the way this friend needed him..

As if god whispered at his ears that that was his purpose..

Love was probably the best word to summarize it all..

Don't you think along the wrong side..

They never had sex..

There was nothing sexual about the whole companionship..

But it gave him purpose..

But soon that was taken away..

He cried so badly one night just waiting for this friend to come by..

As if he is addicted to this absurd connection..

He did not literally teared but there was much intense inner fights in his body that he almost broke his bed apart that night..

His roommates noticed that..

It was such a fucking struggle just to even say, "I need you tonight.. Please accompany me.."..

He didn't know why..

Was anything absurd or wrong?

But it felt as if they were the forbidden words..

Soon they parted..

With no clear answers or ending to the short story..

They moved on in their own paths in life..

But he was still living in the unknown..

With only two statements from his friend, "I can't continue to depend on you.. It's not getting me anywhere.. I'm only running away from problems when I continue relying on you.." and "if you don't care about yourself, even the gods will curse you.."..

He did not take those statements seriously..

He only remembered this friend told him to immerse himself into work and studies if he could not forget him..

The needy memories will go as you find new friends and activities in life..

He knew he loved his friend so much..

But he never had the guts to say it..

"I wish you know how much i love you." was the word imprinted on the last two pieces of paper before end of the school days..

Time passed..

He still remembered that special encounter..

And many others..

There were few male friends who actually said to him, "If you were a girl, I would definitely had chased after you.."..

Weird huh...

He did not know what that meant..

And he did not wish to know either..

Then two beautiful girls crossed his life..

But his heart was not there..

Was he gay or was he confused?

He didn't know..

And it did not matter either..

Afterall life is short isn't it?

Who cares if you love a boy or a girl?

Then came the next phase..

University life started when his heart was still wounded with scars of unknown parting..

There was another few close friends..

Which he stated clearly at the very beginning of knowing that he did not want them to be too good to him as he experienced falling for his best friend before..

But it still happened..

One..

Another parting eventually with another wounded scar..

He felt rejected..

And it did not matter..

The worst part is it left him with so many questions to life purposes..

With no answers..

Well you know what?

Whatever life had been and life is..

You ought to move on someday somehow..

You can not really choose when to die and how to die..

But you can choose how to live and probably where to live..

The bigger questions in life now?

It's not what you want in life.

It's how do you want to live your life.

It didn't matter what happened before.

I do not know if it matters what happens next either..

But I know it matters how you live.

I do not know how to do it really..

But why not start with just doing whatever makes you happy?

Will you stop your loved ones from doing something that makes them happy if you know it might ruin them in the future?

Well..

I will tell them how I feel about them destroying their futures but I'll tell them it is okay to sometimes do that because life is short, and all I want is to see you happy living in the present.

Afterall I really don't know what will happen tomorrow..

Please for god sake don't tell me how every single action of mine today will affect tomorrows..

Please don't consistently remind me what is good for me and what is bad for me..

Please let me live and just tell me it's okay when things turn out falling short of expectations..

Let me live in the present and let the future takes care of itself okay?

Please??

=)

Soulessness Vs. Abundance.

2011-05-07T14:03:00.000+08:00

It now appears reasonable..

It was a quest sought with unconscious effort.

A quest for the soulless loners on the planet..

Hopefully to find one that matches the lost..

Law of attraction might justify that discovery.

But the quest was not worth it to its end.

Because it is the process of life that gives meaning to life.

History has itself the prominence of abundance.

In all civilizations abundance and prosperity was the eventual treasure hunted for.

As if the key to life.

The only problem is that most of the abundance turned out a selfish quest for the rulers' personal agendas.

They all now manifested into the organizational objectives, the political strengths, the national pride, the races' glory..

But does it really matter?

Why do we care?

We all live for something.

To some, it might be a dream created by others.

To some, it might be a dream mysteriously appointed into his endless nights.

By whom nobody knows.

The search for the soullessness is to end now as well.

It is abundance he seeks from now on.

He doesn't want to feel sorry anymore.

For anything, anyone, or any unknowns.

It seems it is abundance and positive life experiences lost during the unconscious quest for the one.

Let's not live in the NOW and celebrate ABUNDANCE.t

Birthday

2011-05-07T01:17:00.001+08:00

It is a day when you receive many similar statements of blessings..

A day where you are supposed to feel blessed and happy that you are still breathing..

That your being alive is still known and felt despite the distance and long lost of contact..

But it's only you who can tell how happy you really are..

Perhaps happiness really should be a simple math.

It's just 1 + 1 = 2.

But the question is, is that the one?

How do you know if it is the one?

There were 2 person that i felt strongly attached to before in my 25 years living thus far..

But till now i still do not know why..

Why did i feel strongly for them?

Why did they leave me when i expressed my love for them?

Why?

I didn't know if they accepted me, would things be different..

Would i still want them?

Or would i not anymore?

But all i know is i'm still lost.

In a sea of people who conveniently finds new forms of love and fun to replace the real and satisfying one.

Perhaps i should stop my arithmetic and logical mind from attempting to study..

Perhaps i should just let loose my heart to love again..

The irony of the whole thing..

Despite knowing that happiness is merely a mindset..

I guess i'm just obsessed over a purpose to live for.

Afterall the questioned started bugging me at the age of 7..

And evolved into the question of what am i meant to do in my life at age 18..

And here i am, in a world of wonders~

LOL~ Happy Birthday chris. =) The rebel deep down under.

Hopes

2011-04-30T11:19:00.000+08:00

Take me to the cliff so I know what it feels to be at the verge of dying.

So I know what more I want to do before it all ends.

Life is short.

Don't waste time doing something that's not getting you to where you dream of.

I hate to live in people's shadows, the society's unspoken rules.

Shh..

I smell life ahead in a closet full of corpses.

I'll get there.

To the place I want to be.