On the border

Hi

2013-12-16T07:07:00.000-08:00

IF someone special to me in my life right now is taking the time to read this, I hope it helps them understand me better xxxx

Being surrounded by good people

2012-09-17T08:36:00.001-07:00

I have always believed that one attracts what is in their lives. I lost a ton of friends when i was diagnosed with bi polar and bpd. It really hurt for a while. Now that i look back though i realise they were not good people for me and it is for the best. Most of those people were toxic to me and vice versa.

I have had a good friend for the past years. I met her at a cafe where i go and she was a waitress there. Lately we have become really good friends and quite close. She is calm, very relaxed and positive. Now i have met her two fabulous roomates which are the same. Then i noticed i started attracted the same type of people. For example i was at the dog park the other day and a girl started chatting with me, she was super nice. It's been happening more and more.

In the last weeks, i have also met my friend's friends. I have met her family etc etc. It makes a huge difference in my life.

In no way am i saying i am cured but it really makes a difference. Something to consider perhaps take a good look around you and see what type of friends you have it may change a part of your life.

Thanks for reading me :o)

At a lost...

2012-06-13T01:34:00.000-07:00

Well, It has been a while since i have posted many things on here. I have not really blogged much since last september.

For those who read me, i went to detox in december for about a week and was very succesful. Then i was quite depressed for a while. My psychiatrist increased the dosage for my mood stabilizers which did help, but my bi polar is in full play lately.

In february on the 6th to be precise, i woke up with a big headache, finally 2 days later i went to the er. I cant count the amount of times i have been there since. The headache was always there and my right eye swollen most of the time with various weird symptoms like night sweats, fatigue just to name a very few. I have done every test possible that i know of, xrays, mri, ct scan, pet scan, spinal tap, endoscopy, gastro endoscopy and blood tests and nothing to be found so far. I have an ultra sound of the abdomen coming up and another ct scan.

With headaches they may not find anything apparently, and it could just leave. Lately they are not as often but when they are there they are bad. So i have been stuck at home a lot since the more activity i do, or the more i move i should say the worse the headache. This does not help with the depression side of things.

But also, i have been rapid cycling in the past month, high low then high then low. Sometimes high for a few days then low for a few days but mostly all in the same day. So my psychiatrist added an anti psychotic to my meds which is starting to somewhat help.

What is on my mind lately is that i am supposed to re start my bpd program where i left off. They have a spot for me for after my medical issues are fixed. The only thing is that program will not accept that i have bi polar so they dont treat it and start taking me off my medication as soon as i start which makes me crash usually and when my bi polar is in it's full glory, its hard to follow the bpd program. Its already hard with just the bpd.

My psychiatrist is one floor above the bpd program and says this has been a problem for a while. She has had other bi polar patients that also have bpd and once in the treatement, they dont believe its possible to have bpd and bi polar which does not help the person at all and can often do the opposite.

She thinks also due to my age (37) and from having been diagnosed with these 2 illnesses so late in life, i may never be able to work again since i am always all over the place. As she says, if i would have been diagnosed way earlier in life it would be easier. Now it's 37 years of a way of thinking and acting to change and i just may never be able to focus enough to do it. I have known her for about 4 years now, she has been doing this over 20 years and although hard what she says makes sense to me. I start a million projects and never finish them. I go on highs where i am up (like in the past month) at 4 am painting the apartment, cleaning, organizing etc etc. Then i crash and am on a low, it's a constant changing of dose of medication just to have me somewhat balanced which is hard to do. the bi polar seems to be getting bigger and bigger and scarier. Add the bpd in my head with that and its pretty scary in my head sometimes.

So this is where i am right now, confused about my future. Any thoughts from anyone out there with a similar problem?

Thanks for reading me :o)

Good tool for anxiety and spinning thoughts

2012-05-28T05:07:00.002-07:00

Someone the other day told me about this useful trick for either anxiety, panic attacks or just never ending spinning thoughts and it's quite simple.

Stop and start looking at all lines around you. You will find them everywhere like on a brick wall, a frame, hardwood floor, cupboards and that's just inside a house. Outside, the lines that divide the side walk, line on the street etc etc. Once you start focusing on trying to see lines everywhere, believe me you will see them, and soon you start to forget about the anxiety or spinning thoughts. It's pretty much like practicing mindfulness.

Hope this helps :o)

Thanks for reading me :o)

It's been a long time...

2012-05-27T03:14:00.000-07:00

Hello,
If anyone is still reading my blog i know it has been months since i have written anything as i went through a depression. I will get to it soon however.

Thanks for reading me :o)

Perceptions and sensitivity

2012-01-23T18:35:00.000-08:00

I have not posted in a while since my bpd and depression got the best of me but i decided to post tonight. Hope it will make sense bare with me please :o)

Perceptions for me and most bpd's is a very hard thing, and also often brings on paranoia, sometimes A LOT of paranoia and fears like thinking we have made people angry or hurt them. I will give a short example. I email with my dad on a daily basis. Sometimes when i send him an email he replies with OK! written exactly like that. I became convinced that when he replies that way it meant he was angry with what i was emailing, simply because of the OK in big letters and the exclamation mark. I was trying to figure out and analyse in my head what i had done wrong. So one day i asked him, well i was of course completely wrong!

He was just writing in the way he does with everyone had nothing to do with me at all. We are sometimes so sensitive. Even a tiny remark that is said in what we perceive to be an angry or annoyed tone, can send us into paranoia and never ending spinning thoughts or wondering if that person does not like us anymore, assume right away we must have done something wrong. Sometimes the thoughts spin out of control to the point of our big fear of abandonment and we become convinced that person will leave.

Most people would not even think twice at that remark. When i am feeling well. I try to think it through and consider that i am most likely completely wrong and if i am still unsure i now try to have the courage to ask and end my inside turmoil before it gets out of control. We are very very sensitive.

Thanks for reading me :o)

Update...

2011-12-30T07:59:00.000-08:00

Well it has been a while. For those of you that have been reading me. I finally went to detox on the 12th and got out on the following friday. It was quite hard but not AS bad as i was thinking it would be. I am now finally rid of dilaudid and i really happy about that. I have been somewhat depressed which i expected. I feel a bit lost and with somewhat a loss of identity as most of you bpd out there will understand. BUT i prefer being a bit depressed and anxious in my reality instead of the dilaudid reality which was starting to really freak me out. I had to put two of my cats to sleep within one week which was really really hard. Especially since one was during rehab and the other the day after rehab. This did not help. I also feel quite sad and a lot of pain from my friend who lost his mother to cancer this summer and spent his first christmas without her.

I do start rehab on the 4th of January. Three groups a week and one solo. This will help greatly as i miss my bpd therapy which only re starts in march. And that is the update for me.

Thanks for reading me :o)

Very powerful poem by Portia Nelson

2011-12-03T17:48:00.001-08:00

BY Portia Nelson

i walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in
I am lost....I am helpless
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I was down the same street.
THere is a deep hole in the sidewalk
i pretend i don't see it.
I fall in again
i can't believe i am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault
It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street
Thre is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I see it there
I still fall in...it's a habit
My eyes are open.
I know where i am
It is my fault
I get out immediatly

I walk doesn the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I walk around it.

I walk down another street

Easy beginner Meditation

2011-11-29T18:59:00.001-08:00

How to meditate

Ideas for how to begin daily meditation for people who've never tried it or feel like they couldn't ever get their mind to be quiet

Feeling scatterbrained? Stressed-out and overwhelmed? Depressed? It’s time to calm your mind. Here are some tips on how to meditate and the benefits you’ll receive from daily meditation.

Warning: your life might change if you start meditating. Eventually, you may:

Develop appreciation for the mundane every-day tasks that bore you and keep you joyless.
No longer be bombarded by the constantly chattering “monkey mind” that’s been taking up residence in your brain.
Lower your blood pressure; perhaps you’ll be able to stop taking your meds.
Recognize the illusion of problems your mind spins out of control; learn how to see the hilarity of every-day dramas.
Attract more positivity in your life.

You gotta believe!

Can’t sit still for an hour while you’re in a position that seems like you’d strain your groin staying in it for any longer than a minute?

Don’t let that dissuade you from giving meditation a try. You don’t have to be like Buddha and sit in perfect “lotus pose” with your ankles up into your hip sockets. You can be seated in a chair or even lying down on your back staring up at the ceiling or sky.

Meditation doesn’t have to be an impossible spiritual pursuit necessitating pure stillness.

You can try moving meditations like tai chi or qi gong. Yoga classes can be meditative.

Some people even meditate while they walk. They concentrate on every step and attempt not to get distracted by their own thoughts.

Instead, focus is put on the setting, which can be anywhere that’s quiet (even if it’s the garage or laundry room). Anywhere that’s quiet and has natural beauty is a bonus.

Go for a walk and “be in the present,” paying close attention to the rustling of the leaves on a tree or a flock of birds flying overhead. While walking, also focus on the dynamic rhythms of the breath, with stomach and ribs expanding on the inhale and the deflations of the exhalations.

However you decide to meditate, the first baby step — but a very important one on the road to a calmer mind and less stressful life — is determining that you are ready for a change in your life.

Try telling yourself this: “I’m attracting peace in my life.” But don’t half-heartedly say it. You must truly feel that you’re going to be successful in focusing on the positive and calming the mind.

If you’re meditating because you heard Dr. Phil say it’s good for you, but you have your doubts it will do any good, you’ve already set yourself up for failure to make a powerful, uplifting change in your life.

How long should I meditate?

If you’re new to meditation, try just one to two minutes, maximum, at first, and notice how hard it is to not let your thoughts take over. Remember, the goal of mediation is to focus on your breath. You may also focus on a simple phrase you want to attract in your life — peace, wealth, wellness.

It’s OK if you have thoughts creeping in; Don’t give up at first. In fact, it’s not likely you’ll ever become a spiritual master and transport your spirit to another dimension. So when you notice your mind is focused on thoughts think of them as passing clouds.

Recognize the fact you’re thinking instead of meditating. Bring yourself back to your breath and phrase/mantra. Try staring at a candle flame. That will really zone your mind out. (Remember staring at campfires? How meditative!)

It won’t be easy, but it’ll be worth it

Very few people that try, say, guitar or surfing for the first time, are any good at it. It will be the same with mediation. Don’t give up. Eventually, try to meditate at least once in the morning and at night for at least 10 minutes. Stick with it and you will profoundly attract more peace in your life.

Enjoy and thanks for reading me :o)

Ideas to help with anxiety, sleep and really bad days

2011-11-29T17:17:00.001-08:00

I have learned a few things that really help me with either anxiety, panic attacks or those days where i feel depressed and really hopeless. I hope some of these may help you.

First there is a breathing technic they taught us in our yoga class at the bpd therapy I go to.

You can do this either standing up, laying on your back or sitting.
So close your eyes. Inhale very very deeply through the NOSE making your belly come out as big as possible as you breathe in deep. Then exhale through the MOUTH very very quickly and blow as if you were blowing down of one the little piggy's house haha. And let the noise come out. Repeat this 3, 4 or even 5 times. It really really helps me.

Another thing that really helps me is either a really quick cold shower, i mean really cold. This helps when i am really anxious and sweating a lot. Brings me back to reality and helps, some days i have had to take like 7 or 8 but who cares it really helps.

Other days i find if i am blue or more depressed and having a hard time sleeping, i take a really hot bath, with bubbles with a scent i really enjoy. This helps me sleep, if i am anxious and have stomach cramps, i also have back pain. If i am slightly anxious and my body is all tense from anxiety this as well helps me quite a bit.

I try to eat as much bananas as i can, they really help sleep too.

I will often call a friend, and not say i am depressed or anxious or not feeling well, and just do random chit chat about anything, sometimes i can only concentrate for a few minutes, other times it will really distract me and last perhaps half an hour and really calm me down

I stop drinking coffee for a few days

And try to avoid as much sugar as possible especially at night since it really affects sleep.

I will FORCE myself to go outside even just to the corner store to buy gum. Its not even a minute walk and come back in. It changes my mood quite a bit. If i just cant make myself go outside, i will go on my balcony for 5 minutes, even if it is cold. If i cant even make it to the balcony, i open my window that looks over a busy street, or the window in the back of my apt that looks over trees. And i try to focus on watching the poeple out there, the birds, trees etc, plus its fresh air even if just through the window. But if i manage like i say to go just to the corner dep, a simple 5 minutes going and returning often makes a HUGE difference, If i have the courage that day, i will walk around the block for 10 minutes even better :o) changes my thoughts and reality.

Sometimes after a few days of not being able to sleep i change rooms since i start to associate my room with not sleeping. I will often go sleep on the sofa. Again that helps me.

If i am tossing and turning after 20 minutes i get up and go watch tv or have a glass of water, stay up another 15 minutes then go try again.

If i can during the day everyday, i will try to sit down somewhere or lay down in my med and shut my eyes and just try to relax even if only 2 or 3 minutes. I can repeat this as often as i want during the day.

I try to have a thought that makes me happy that i can always go back to. For me it's often thinking of where i will go on my next trip since i love to travel. Throughout the day, when my thoughts are spinning, i will try to catch myself and go back to that thought. The thought can be anything, looking forward to a coffee with a friend, a supper coming up really anything that works for you.

STRETCHES...this helps me relax, take anxiety away, and if am in physical pain too it really helps. I will do stretches even for just 5 minutes. It helps

I will also lay on my bed and squeeze alllll the muscles of my body from the tip of the tows to the tip of my head, sqeeze as hard as i can, while squeezing i will think dont forget the toes, the belly arms, i scrunch up my face, eyes etc. Squeeze as hard as i can until i cant anymore and let go. I repeat about 3 times. Helps with my back pain. Or any physical pain for me really, and really really relaxes my body especially the face i find and calms down my anxiety.

Mindfulnwaa ia BIG ONE. I will sit there and force myself to focus on something, be it a cup, a fork, the clock, one of the painting on my wall, really anything, if i am on my balcony, i stare at the leaves on my tree.. I will stare at it at whatever i chose to to look at, and focus on the shape, the color, the texture etc etc. Even if it lasts only 2 minutes, its a 2 minutes that your mind is really focused on something else and is quiet. I will do the same with my eyes closed and listen to all the sounds i can hear around me and focus on all of them trying to figure out what they are.

Lately i have a bit of anxiety and physical ilness from withdrawls from detoxing from dilaudid as you know. If i am pacing the house, and sweating or have the shakes, i find all of these can be helpful, and i have been playing video games on the internet as long as i can, to really really distract myself from the pain and horrible negative thoughts or cravings.

THINGS I TELL MYSELF:
This too shall pass it never ever lasts. This applies to anyone going through something hard. I keep repeating it to myself.

I tell myself this might be hard right now, but what is the worse case scenario, i will not die, no one is going to get hurt and again this will pass. Sometimes i have to repeat all day but again this is helpful to me.

I tell myself, i will get through this as i always do. I look at the past at hard things i thought i would never ever get through over the years and worried about with ridiculous amounts of anxiety, and tell myself " I made it through that, i will make it through this like all the other times i thought i would not. And even if my silly head is saying this time is different and harder, i will not make it through, i remind myself that that is what i think everytime yet i always make it through.

I will add more once i remember..soon to come insomnia: treatment and prevention

Thanks for reading me :o)

.

Finally, hope for those with borderline personality disorder.

2011-11-27T00:26:00.001-08:00

http://www.latimes.com/features/health/mentalhealth/la-he-borderline-duplicate-1,0,7926784,full.story

I really enjoyed this article in the LA times about BPD.

Enjoy :o)

The right to be angry

2011-11-24T17:28:00.001-08:00

I am more the quiet borderline personality type. I always always keep my anger inside when it comes to big things that bother me. I feel it for 10 minutes then i push it down somewhere. Been doing it my whole life.

They kept telling me in therapy when i started that I was FULL of anger and i did not really believe them i just could not see it. I was always thinking this way...no no i know bad things and really bas things have happened to me but it could be worse, or that person did not mean it, their are people dying in african from hunger. Basically i did not think i had the right to be angry. I did not realise this til very recently.

I see now that i never expressed my anger because i thought i was not allowed since i think i am a bad person. So by always thinking throughout my life that i was a bad person, well i just had zero right to be angry at anyone, especially close ones that i have hurt many times with bpd. But now i am feeling some anger about a few things in my life, quite a bit of anger and its not going away like it usually does. Then one day i was telling a friend, that yes of course you were not treated correctly about this certain situation, of course you can say something. Then i CLICKED ahhh hello SO CAN I. So i see now that yes i can be angry sometimes at either certain people or situations when i think i have not been treated nicely. I am good enough to have the right to be angry and expresss it just like everyone else.

Now i have never really delt with anger, just a few few times and when i would get angry those EXTREMELY rare time, watch out it was not pretty. I never hit or did anything like that, but people would freeze on the spot and be horrified since it was an explosion of anger kept inside for years and then i would turn that anger towards ME.

Obviously this is not a healthy way to express anger. Now i know that when i feel angry i must not put it aside or ignore but rather deal with it when it comes so it does not accumulate forever and then i explode again. So now i am learning how to express my anger in a healthy way, and also by expressing anger you stop carrying all of it around with you all the time. Especially if many things angered you over the years well once you get angry one day at a small thing, alllll the anger for those past things come out and the person in from of you is kind of left speachless as the amount of anger for the present situation is not appropriate. So by now expressing my anger everytime i am angry in a calm healthy way. I will never accumulate all this anger that affects me in many different ways :o) So you too have the right to be angry and to express your feelings, and its much better when done once calm and expressed politely. You may not get what you want from it but you will have let go of your anger.

Thank you for reading me :o)

Life skills part 2 (continuation of previous post)

2011-11-20T13:21:00.001-08:00

So when one is in distress or not feeling well it is always good to have a plan prepared ahead of time. I carry in my purse a list of activities to distract or help me when I am not feeling well. I will also add a list that was given to us in therapy. It is a very long list.

Choose some you like and think will work for you. You can also add your own activities and distractions that are not on this list.

~Play with your animals
~do a puzzle
~do some art work like painting or photography
~go for a walk
~bake a dessert
~take a bath
~watch a funny movie or tv show
~phone a friend~go visit a friend
~read a book if u have no concentration read short articles in a magazine or read a trashy celebrity magazine
~exercise~
~write letters to people you are angry at then throw them away or burn them
~go swimming, biking, do yoga~
~do some breathing exercises
~go get a massage
~go for a drive
~do some photography
~clean the house
~take a nap
~treat yourself to a chocolate bar
~go for an ice cream
~cook a new recipe
~knit(or learn how to)
~go eat at a restaurant
~go to the movies
~chat online
~play solitaire or online games~visit websites of places you would like to travel to(look at images)
~create a blog
~sell something you dont want or need online~buy something online
~dye your hair or go get a hair cut
~call Tracom
~go shopping
~do a scrapbook
~go to the library
~sing or dance
~meditate
~make a list of 10 celebrities you would like to be friends with and describe why
~pretent you have won the lottery and write down what you would do with the money
~invite someone over for supper
~ write a loving letter to yourself when you are feeling well and write down things you like about yourself and re read it when you are not feeling well
~paint
~write in a diary
~plan a trip
~join the gym
~push as hard as you can with your hands against a wall
~make funny video clips with your camera
~learn a new hobby
~do some gardenning
~wash your car
~walk your dog or borrow a friend's dog if you don't have one
~write a poem or a song
~make a fun list of celebrities you would like to have sex with
~masturbate
~have sex with your partner or someone your trust and care about
~make a list of things that make you happy (travelling, the beach...etc)
~think of a nice moment you had in your day or a compliment your recieved
~volunteer somewhere
~ call someone or write to someone you like and have not spoken to in a while
~go to the mall or a park and do some people watching and try to imagine what they are thinking
~take an art class, spanish class, tai chi..etc
~play or learn how to play the guitar or a musical instrument
~go to your church or pray
~make a vision board
~write a thank you letter to someone who has made a difference in your life and tell them why (you dont have to send it if you dont want to)
~make a list of people you admire or want to be like and describe what it is you admire about them
~Draw a picture
~color in a coloring book
~Read a trashy magazine
~sign up for a class online
~write a story about either the funniest, craziest or sexiest and fun thing that has happened to you
~write a letter to god
~ go do the groceries
~go to a museum~
~go to the zoo
~go to a spa
~turn on some loud music you like and sing away
~clean that cluttered closet or drawer
~go to a hockey game or sporting event
~go to a concert
~take a cooking class or cake decorating class
~get on the bus or metro and go somewhere you have never been
~go bowling
~go play pool
~go to the arcade
~play on your nintendo or xbox etc
~go look at funny clips on youtube
~do some stretching exercises
~do something nice for someone
~play a board game with a friend
~join an internet dating service
~brush your pets or play ball with them
~go through your clothes and give the ones you dont need anymore to a local charity or salvation army..

. The point is have a list ready, catch yourself right away when you know you are not feeling well or are about to panic or cut etc. Of course if you have a problem with shopping, don't chose shopping as an option, if you have a problem with drinking, perhaps stay away from going to play pool at a bar...etc. Pick what is good for you. Another good trick is to set aside half an hour every day even when you are feeling good and do an activity you enjoy. Its not just about getting rid of anxiety or panic attacks and depression and only using this list when in crisis...you have to add joy to your life :o) I hope this helps and again thank you for reading me :o)

Life skills part 2 (reposting since a lot of people liked it)

2011-11-20T13:20:00.001-08:00

So in our group meeting on the second week for life skills we started talking about "Tolerating compulsions or distress"

Again i will do my best to explain what i got from it.

Ok so let's say something stressful happens, anything that sets you off to normally either drink, cut, shop...ect you know what i mean. Well on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being in full blown panic or cutting ect...and let's say 2 at the begining before you have lost control. Well we are being taught that it is a matter of trying to catch yourself at 2 and right away do something different. When we are at 10, we have pretty much lost control, and our judgments, decisions are not very good since at this point we are basically reasoning with our emotions and not our head and logic. So most of our decisions or things done in this state are usually not trustworthy. We act without thinking.
When we are getting to level 10 basically we are looking for instant gratification.
So this is of course about learning how to tolerate the pain and get through it without jumping to bad coping skills.

We did not get that far into it but here are some of the distractions one can try using these are a few which may not work for everyone. For example, shopping or browsing at the mall can be a good distraction for someone but not if you are a compulsive shopper get my drift?

SHOPPING:
If you have a hard time with shopping compulsively you can try the following, when i go into a store i can of course convince myself i need everything in there, so i tell myself leave it there continue shopping for what you actually came for and if you decide in an hour that you really need it, come back to get it. Well 99% of the time i do not come back!

CUTTING:
Use a red marker and draw where you would cut, or even red nail polish so it looks like blood.
Take an ice cube and hold it in your hand for as long as you can. Take an elastic band around your wrist and snap it until it hurts.

PANIC OR NEVER ENDING SPINNING THOUGHTS:
Get out of the house even if just to go to corner store, it changes your perspective. Go for a short walk. Do a puzzle. Play with your cats. Call a friend right away and start talking about something else. Take a nap. Put your wrists under freezing water, put freezing water on your neck, i find this one helps a lot and brings me back to the present. If you are feeling guilty, ask yourself do i really have something to feel guilty about, most of the time YOU DON'T have anything to feel guilty about or are over exagerating it.

I carry a list of like 3 pages long with me of activities i know will distract me MOST of the time. We were also given a list of things to do to distract yourself. I will write those in my following blog. But planning ahead with a list is quite good.

And remember if you are at a 10 and feel like you will lose control (first you wont) but still, or feel suicidal or anything. Tracom is open 24 hours a day 7 days a week, and as i keep repeating they are angles at helping with any situation. Again here are their numbers 514-483-3033 or 1-877-483-3033.

Thanks for reading me :o)

bpd or bp or both?

2011-11-20T13:09:00.001-08:00

Before i was diagnosed with bpd, i was diagnosed by 2 psychiatrist as having bipolar. When i applied to get into the program i am in, they said they don't really believe in bipolar and do not take people that have bipolar and that they did not think i had it. So i went along with it. I was in for about 8 months before i stopped to do this detox thing and am supposed to resume therapy in march. I have realized with a lot of time to think lately and from doing research on the internet that if i do have bipolar (which i am quite sure i have), well i now see it is very very important for me to have a clear diagnosis. If i just let it go and i do have bipolar then it will not be treated. I realize it's really important to know this, because if i do have it like i think and like 2 psychiatrist did, then i want to work on this mental issue as well. How can i get better if it's left untreated?

It also made me see that these days you really really have to be persistent with doctors and really know what you are talking about or you just get dismissed. Their are apparently a lot of misdiagnosed bpd and bp. They either think you have bpd when you actually bp or vice versa. Or do not see people like me that have both.

If you are like me and have doubts about being told different things from different doctors, i would not give up and just take their answer as if it is always the right answer, they too make mistakes. I know i will be pursuing this for sure.

Thank you for reading me :o)

A very very interesting site about new different views on bpd and medications and types of therapy

2011-11-18T14:34:00.001-08:00

http://www.stumbleupon.com/to/s/6TsifK

A little help to sleep better

2011-11-16T02:26:00.001-08:00

I have gone through many phases in my life where my sleeping is just horrible. Many a night without sleep. It is usually accompagnied with anxiety. A lovely combo! So a few months ago, i had a session with my individual therapist who was asking me questions. I always fall asleep with the tv on in my room. And i really loved watching all the CSI's and Criminal minds..etc etc all those types of shows.

So my therapist suggested that this could be causing me anxiety and disrupting my sleep. I was not quite convinced about this one, since i loved those shows, they did not scare me at all and i did not think they were making me anxious not even one bit. But i was willing to try anything so i took up her suggestion of stopping to watch all of those shows and to stick to half hour sitcoms, which i love as well. Well of course she was right!!!I was really really suprised that i was a lot less anxious and my sleep was much better, a lot less interrupted sleep. I often have nights where it feels like i am half awake all night and that i am not really sleeping, i am sure anyone with sleeping problems will understand what i mean haha.

So as i said i was really suprised that it actually took a lot of anxiety away from my life not just at night. And i do sleep better. I guess i can see that perhaps falling asleep while watching murderers, rapists, serial killers etc etc may not exactly leave me in the most relaxed positive state of mind just before going to bed. So some of you out there may want to try it. It really does help and it's quite a simple thing to do to get better sleep.

Thank you for reading me :o)

Trusting my own decisions

2011-11-11T02:39:00.001-08:00

Ooof this is a hard one. As i am getting better on this long road to recovery, i am realising lately not only how hard it is to trust my own decisions but how hard it will be for others to trust that i am making better decisions for myself. I am realising this might be a bit harder then i was thinking.

I and others are so used to me making decisions with my emotions and never really making right ones. Now that i am starting to learn to calm down and think rationally before making a decision i am really getting better at it. Am certainly not a master at it yet, it will take a lot of hard work. But i never thought about how others would see this or how they would act towards this. It is not their fault but they do automatically jump to thinking i don't really know what i am doing and that i am not making good decisions. It's hard because some times i now KNOW FOR SURE after careful thinking that i am making a good decision and not making one on the moment with my emotions without having thought of it.

But i see how hard it will be for others to trust me and believe me when i make these decisions. It will be a bit of a challenge for me to not doubt myself for a while i am thinking. It is already extremely hard for me to even trust myself in the first place, so when i am really sure about something and someone will disagree with me, i know it will often make me second guess myself or doubt my decisions or opinions. It will take practice to stick to my beliefs, opinions and decision without doubting everything i do or everything i decide.

It will also require practicing at not jumping into people pleasing mode and to not change my opinions or decisions just to please others. I will often have to stand my ground when i am really sure of something and really let go of what others think unless it is really affecting them directly. This was something i had not considered at all. It is of course not the end of the world and i assume it must be the same for most bpd people who have made horrible choices and decisions on a whim based on emotions and not rational. I think it is part of the process of getting better and learning to trust myself and to also help me to stop trying to please other people :o) I am not mad at these family members and friends, i do get it, they have spent their lives watching me make horribles choices and mistakes and really bad decisions so i guess it will take getting used to for them as well and learning to trust me and my decisions :o)

For example right now while waiting to get into detox, i have a bit of a fear of being depressed after detox. I know i will be somewhat depressed since every morning when i wake up i feel quite depressed before i take my pills. Now normally not even a year ago if i would be going through this i would be absolutely convinced that a severe depression would be coming for sure. I would be depressed ahead of time thinking of the depression. I would picture myself in a feotus positions locked up in my room for months crying away. But that is not how i see it. I am simply trying to be prepared and have a plan ahead of time like i am being taught in therapy.

Now i know very well if i do get depressed it will be nothing like my other depressions since first of all, i am already in therapy and i will be going to rehab 5 days a week. That will automatically get me out of the house, i will see a lot of people daily, and i will have a place with great support where i can talk about my feelings with people going through the same thing. I also have in my head a plan to continue doing activities that bring me pleasure, like baking or writting letters etc. I have been thinking that no matter how hard it is i will try to add physical activity to my routine about 2 to 3 times a week as i know this helps my mood immensly. Somone very nice suggested i put post its in my house with nice reminders and beautiful saying on them to remind me of good things. I know without a single doubt i will get through this no matter what happens. But it is not like it would have been before i am not planning a depression and almost attracting it by being absolutely sure it will be horrible and predicting dramatically how horrible it will be. I am being somewhat realistic and i know there will be some depression. It may not even be that horrible but i do like the idea of having somewhat of a positive plan ahead of time. I think its good to be prepared and having good things in place ahead of time to make it easier. And yes i would like some support which i do not think is a horrible thing.

So as i am writting this, I am realising that for once in my life i will just trust my opinion and try and let go of what other people are assuming or thinking. They have of course every right to think this since i have said they are right in the way that this has always been my behavior up until now, so i respec them for actually caring and telling me what they think. I guess it will take time for me and my loved ones to start trusting myself. I am very very fortunate to have these people in my life actually caring for me and trying to do what is best for me. THANK YOU FOR CARING AND TRYING TO HELP. It means so much to me more then they will ever know :o)

And again thank you all for reading me :o)

Getting to know yourself

2011-11-11T01:40:00.001-08:00

As most of you know i would say about 99% of bpd people have no clue who they are. For example i have spent my whole life in pleasing mode. The only me i know is the me that is a cameleon and acts in a way i think others want me to be in order to be liked. When i stop doing this i am left with a me i dont know anything about, no personality it feels like. Well i am finding ways to pretty much get to know myself, who i am, what i like and dont like etc. I thought i would share. It is actually quite simple and is helping me quite a bit.

Its hobbies. While trying to find ways to distract myself when i panic or have anxiety, i had made a long list of activities to try out. And was also trying to find new hobbies i would enjoy. I am finding that it is helping me to get to know myself which i did not expect. I decided to start baking as a hobby and realised i really liked it and that i am actually good at it. This first of all gave me a feeling of self confidence which i rarely have. It's only baking but being good at something feels amazing. So it is helping me with my self confidence and it is helping me get to know myself. I was also thinking this can be a great way to make friends and connections with people who i would have similar interests with. I was thinking of taking a cooking class. They have some that you can go to for one night. It is a bit expensive but i think would be well worthed. Its a whole evening thing, You learn a recipe and then you all get to sit down and eat the meal together. This would be a great way to make new friends, to feel like i am good at something and belong somewhere and for me to find out what things i like to do in life which has the effect of getting to know ME.

Another good one i was thinking of is volunteering. If you find a place where you can volunteer for something you are really passionate about. I think it would have many benefits. First you will be doing something you really enjoy. You will have that wonderful feeling that you are helping people and making a difference in this world. You will meet great people who share the same passion as you do. And will feel a sense of reward for doing this. Plus it is free.

I also want to take a yoga class which first would be excellent for my physical health but not only that it is a fantastic way to quiet the mind which i think is very good for people with bpd since we all have those annoying spinning thoughts. It is also great for anxiety as it really really helps you relax. I know this since where i go to therapy, last january we were lucky enough to have one session of yoga free per week for 3 months and the benefits were simply amazing. Every time i left there i felt really calm and someone connected to the world. It would really quiet my mind and really relax me and help me with my anxiety, concentration and sleep.

So basically whether it be a small or big hobby or volunteering, i now see it as a very good way to boost ones self esteem, a great way to meet new friends with similar interests as you. And a good way to get to know yourself a little bit by knowing what you like and don't like. Give it a try you just might enjoy it more then you can imagine :o)

Thank you for reading me again :o)

The quiet borderline

2011-11-11T01:35:00.001-08:00

Someone gave me this link and i really liked it. I had never heard of quiet borderline. I had noticed during my therapy that most people in there have a hard time keeping their anger inside and will often get very angry and violent, often breaking things or even hitting others and getting into fights. I was never able to express anger, i don't know how to express it. It is very hard for me. This link helped me understand more and see that there is yet another layer to borderline. The quiet borderline. Here is the link http://borderlinepersonality.typepad.com/my_weblog/2008/07/the-quiet-borde.html

Thank you for reading me :o)

Ways to help yourself when you start feeling anxious or start having a panic attack

2011-11-09T00:53:00.000-08:00

I have found a way that really helps me when i start to get that anxious feeling rise in me or if i feel a panic attack coming on. I do try and catch myself before the anxiety becomes overwhelming or the panic attack has reached it's peak. First i will lay down or go somewhere quiet where i am alone. Then i force myself to start asking myself some questions as to why i am feeling this way. Most of time its always either about guilt, or up coming events.

So if i realise i am feeling guilty about something, I will then ask myself, why am feeling guilty? If i feel guilty for example about having fucked up my budget and feel guilty towards my parents for having to help me once again, i tell myself Ok you have appologized, it's already done, you can change it and you are doing the best you can to stop this behavior so stop feeling guilty now.

If i am feeling guilty for example about something i said to someone the day before and i am wondering if i hurt the person's feelings, or if i think i was rude to someone and am feeling guilty, i tell myself well why dont you just ask the person, you might be completely wrong, fix it, get it over with and then you won't have to feel guilty anymore.

If i am feeling anxious about an upcoming event, for example like tonight i went to a concert. Let's say before hand in the afternoon, i would have started feeling anxiety. I would sit myself down and ask myself, ok is anything coming up soon. I would then think yes, that concert tonight. And if i realise that is what is making me anxious, the thought of being in public with a lot of people and the fear of panicking then i tell myself, well what is the worse that can happen. I will not die or start yelling or go crazy (cause in all the years i have had anxiety that has never happenned before). So i tell myself ok, no one is going to die, no one is going to get hurt, the worse scenario, i can always decide to leave and if i am really panicking i can even jump into a taxi and get home ASAP. That calms me down to think of it rationally and usually makes most of my anxiety go away.

I am seeing that i can apply this to everything because if i think about it, everytime i get anxious it's usually guilt about something or scared of something in the future. And if i really stop my spinning thoughts without knowing what i am feeling anxious about and then think about it rationally, i can always come up with a plan, or talk myself out of it. If i just let it go, its just going to get worse and worse and turn into a full blown anxiety attack and i won't even know why.

Something else occured to me, like i have said before my whole life i am always feeling guilty about everything. There is alwasy guilt for something. So i was trying to think of a way to stop this and i have decided to make a list of everything i can think of that i feel guilty about. Then i will go through each thing and think about them rationally. Should i be feeling guilty about this. Did i really do something wrong. If i did, is there a way i can fix it? If i have already fixed it well off the list it will go and i will not permit myself to feel guilty about things that are done and that i have already fixed and that cannot be changed. If there is something on my list i am not sure about that involves another person, instead of always wondering about it constantly, i will from now on just ask the person if indeed i did hurt them or offend them or do something wrong. And you know what the times i have actually done this almost 99% of the time i was wrong. If i am right then i can talk it out with that person and fix it so i dont have to spend hours or days or weeks feeling guilty and anxious about it while i can just fix it NOW. I shall be trying that this week and see what comes out of it but i think it's a pretty good plan.

Now i know i give out a lot of tips and tools on here either from things i have learned in therapy or with experience, and a lot of people tell me. Oh this does not work for me, but when i ask them did you really try it, the answer is usually no, or i only tried it once. I cannot repeat enough that if you don't try it and practice it it's not going to miracly happen on it's own. One has to really want it and really try it and not just say, oh next time. A lot of people say oh i have tried everything in my life nothing works. I don't believe that. I too when i started therapy thought, ahhhh what am i going to learn here, i know everything i should be doing, what can they possibly teach me i have not tried yet? Well i am eating my own words now. Yes a lot of the stuff i am being taught i already knew, but i had never actually really really practiced it, therapy forced me to do that because after a group meeting they would tell me to practice on a specific thing and report back to them at the next group session. And yes it takes work, cause for some reason it's just often way to easier to keep doing the things we do, because that is what we know and what we are used to and feel secure with. And it's alwasy scary to try something new, especially if you have already tried many things in your life and it has not worked. It sometimes scary to give it your all and if ends up not working and you feel like yet again you failed. But believe me these things really work and a lot of them are quite simple things when you think about it.

I know a lot of them are easier to practice on a good day when you are feeling good. And much harder to try when you really need it but that is exactly when you have to force yourself to do it. The other day i was talking to a friend that was anxious. And i suggested distracting himself but every distraction i mentionned was not good enough and there was always an excuse, oh i have done that it doesnt work for me, i cant do this or that because i dont like it, nothing will work. Finally i said, well just try one whether you like it or not. I said get out of the house and go for a walk for just 15 minutes and then tell me how you feel. And believe me i know how hard it can be when you are really not feeling well and the last thing you want to do is get dressed and go outside for a walk. When he came back from his walk, and it was cold outside. He said it really did help. It had changed his reality and perception. All it took was a 15 minute walk, EVERYONE can find at least one distraction taht will help them, whether it be a walk, watch a tv show, call a friend, draw, play video games etc etc. But we sometimes can be so stubborn it's almost as if we enjoy being in miseray sometimes. And god knows i am far from being perfect and sometimes yes these things don't do it on a really really bad day. But it really really helps a lot of the time. GIVE IT A TRY, really really try. And you will be shocked how sometimes just a few simple things can really help you get through a panic attack, some depression or anxiety. Nothing to lose by trying since you are already sitting there feeling miserable anyway. Like one of the best psychiatrist i have ever met in one of my groups says " If you have time to worry or be anxious for hours and hours, you certainly have time to try something to fix it ". I like that hahaha.

Thank you once again for reading me, i really hope this might help someone out there who feels like i do :o)

Feel like sharing?

2011-11-06T23:12:00.001-08:00

I would love it if any of you whether you have bpd or not would share some experiences or ask questions. Don't be shy, you can do this anonymously :o) thanks for reading me :o)

Poem

2011-11-06T20:21:00.000-08:00

A friend shared this with me and i liked it. The Most Vital Thing In Life When you feel like saying something That you know you will regret, Or keenly feel an insult Not quite easy to forget, That's the time to curb resentment And maintain a mental peace, For when your mind is tranquil All your ill-thoughts simply cease. It is easy to be angry When defrauded or defiled, To be peeved and disappointed If your wishes are denied; But to win a worthwhile battle Over selfishness and spite, You must learn to keep strict silence Though you know you're in the right. So keep your mental balance When confronted by a foe, Be it enemy in ambush, Or some danger that you know. If you are poised and tranquil When all around is strife, Be assured that you have mastered The most vital thing in life. by Grenville kleiser

The victim role

2011-11-05T21:16:00.000-07:00

This one might be tuff to explain but here i go trying my best...So most of us since we are younger, have learned many bad coping skills. When i was young i demanded all the attention at all times. When i became a teenager well, actually around the age of 12 i started drinking, then by the age of 15 i was doing drugs. I worried my mom to death. But in my subconscious, i had leaned that by doing these bad things, i got attention!!! I only see this now. But from then on, it was always like that throughout my life. Whether it was financial problems, drinking or drugs, over spending, getting into all kinds of problems was always a way to get some sort of attention from my parents and sibblings and friends. So i fed right into it. There was always something dramatic going on in my life, and of course it was never my fault. I never saw the part i played in all of this. The victim role. When i would have a problem or a big issue which i had obviously gotten myself into, then i would call, text, email everyone in a panic, everything was always dramatic and a crisis...and yes even if it was a situation that was unfair, i certainly knew how to blow it out of proportion, i ddi not do this on purpose, or should i say, i did not do this realising what i was doing., then i would fall right into the victim, helpless role which everyone needed to rescue. It gave me the attention i was always longing for my whole life. It was the only way I knew how to get it. I will give an example. This is hard to write since it is personal, but like i said, i will share my experiences on here in order to help others understand and perhaps see themselves in some of what i write. So about 2 years ago, i got pregnant, with someone i was not in a relationship with. It was a drunken night and the condom broke. Even though i took the morning after pill, i still got pregnant. And there was no option, with the meds i was taking for my bpd, it was too dangerous to keep the baby so i had to get an abortion. Which was very very hard. The father was not a very nice person, and not exactly supportive whatsoever. I got the abortion, and they did not do it correctly, so i got really sick and ended up in the hospital in and out for about a month until they did the abortion again. Well at that time, it was drama galore, telling all my friends and family about this. How unfair it was that the father of the child had been so rude and mean etc etc. It was not fair that i had to get an abortion and that it did not go well. Well I somehow failed to recognize my part in this, no one forced me to sleep with this guy. I did that all on my own. Yes it was a hard part of my life, very hard. But i did over dramatize, took no responsibilty for any of it and once again fell into the victim role. Poor me, why does this always happen to me, this is really unfair, why did that person treat me so horribly..etc etc. I really expected everyone to drpot their lives and come to the rescue. Now no matter how hard it was, first i should have taken responsibily for my part in this, one does not get pregnant alone. I should not have talked about this all day long complainging to everyone all the time. I should not have over dramatized things to the point of draining everyone around me. I really was playing the role of a victim. Now if this would happen at this point in my life, i certainly would handle it much better. I would first cut off all contact with the father which i should have done last time, as i said he was not nice (and i am being extremely polite here), but i kept talking to him, fight after fight for months. Well now i would cut off all contact from a person like that to start with instead of feeding into that situation. I would still be upset and sad of course. It is not a pleasant thing, and we are allowed to feel these feeling, but we don't have to wollow in them, because then they just become bigger and bigger and bigger. Now i would still talk to my friends about it, but in a very different way. I would not text them 20 times a day in a panic reporting all that had been said or had happenned between me and the father. I would talk to my friends calmly, get over the sadness, accept that this is tthe situation i put MYSELF into, and then i would deal with it in a much healthier way. The type of attention i am so used to getting from me acting out, is not a very good attention, and not the one i want anymore. I can see how i drained certain peple with all my dramatic issues. So like i said if this were to happen now, i would as i said accept that this is the situation, this is where i am, yes it sucks but it is what it is and then instead of sitting there, feeling sorry for myself, feeling abandonned etc etc. I would instead try to find another solution. If no other solution, then i would jump to my list of activities to distract myself. I would not let it consume every minute of my day for months and months. I know understand what therapists say when they say we play the role of the victim. When we self sabotage, it is a way to get attention, the way we have learned to get attention probably since we were all very young.. I now try to take responsibility for my actions, and deal with the consequences. It is ok to feel sadness, anger, pain...etc. But i dont have to feel it for months and months. I can feel it and acknowledge it, then calm down and move to something else, another solution..etc. Now that i see this very clearly and i will continue to try my hardest to not make everything into a big deal, and not only with big situations like, but small ones too. I can apply this to everything in my life. Accept, acknowledge feelings, then move to a plan of action., and always take responsibility for my part in things. It's easier to jump into old patterns of self sabotaging, being the victim in everything and getting this attention we so long for. but its very unhealthy for us and for those around us, it becomes draining for them and i can see that clearly now. We only end up hurting ourselves and others, and we may get temporarely the attention we desire, but it does not last long and it obviously does not work or we would not be repeating these things. My head is all over the place tonight hahahah> i really hope this made sense for some of you out there. Thanks for reading me :o)

I would like to add that i am sooo sorry to all the people i have hurt with this througout my life and for what i have put people through. I am more sorry then words could ever express

Online bpd support group

2011-11-03T16:09:00.001-07:00

I have found an online support group for bdp that i absolutely love. I have tried quite a few in the last years but never really found one i like. I must say this one is pretty amazing, everyone is kind and caring and very supportive. I thought i would post it here if anyone wanted to join :o) http://www.mdjunction.com/borderline-personality Thanks for reading me :o) ps. they also have many many other types of support groups