...and again he asked, "why?"

and thanks for coming out...

2010-01-25T18:00:00.000-06:00

It's been fun folks.

The story continues over at

bmiller.wordpress.com...

Back for a bit

2010-01-14T20:53:00.002-06:00

So I haven't written here for a while - most of my energy's been going towards finishing up law school applications, and when I do have time to write, I end up putting it on the other blog. But I know people still show up here, and many of you have subscribed to this through a feed reader, etc. And I'm sure most of you are better informed about this than me, but I thought I'd do my part to spread the word about Haiti - places you can donate, ways you can help... Little by little, step by step.

I thought I'd take a few minutes to point the way towards a few sites that are doing some good things, responding to the dire, horrific need those in Haiti are suffering from right now.

And while I don't know anything first-hand, I can pass on a few sites, info, etc. as to how we can best help.

1 - Be informed. Learn.

- See what happened (via FP's Passport)

- See what it looks like after 48 hours (via the Boston Globe's The Big Picture)

- Read "Some Thoughts and Links" (via Blood and Milk)

- Haiti is about the size of Maryland and a big chunk of the population lives in or near Port-Au-Prince, maybe a third of the total, depending on what you count as a suburb. So the collapse of Port-Au-Prince is a big, big deal for the country as a whole. It's a dominant city for Haiti. Plus Jacmel seems to be leveled. From the reports I have seen, my tentative conclusion is that the country as a whole is currently below the subsistence level and will remain so for the foreseeable future. ~ via Marginal Revolution

2 - Give. Give generously.

My general rule of thumb could be summarized as the ELE rule:

Is it an Established organization with a longtime in-country presence?

Does the organization employ, empower, and partner with Local individuals and organizations (eg, houses of faith, community groups)?

Does the organization have Experience in disaster relief and/or health care?

(click here to finish the rest of the post, and see a few options for giving, including:

- MSF/Doctors Without Borders, Oxfam, Catholic Relief Services, World Vision, Compassion International, Mennonite Central Committee, Partners in Health, Haiti Partners, etc...)

via Texas in Africa

3 - Pray. Pray. Pray...

Photo via The Big Picture

I think it might be moving day

2009-08-24T12:17:00.004-05:00

Well, those astute readers of the blog (which I'm sure is all of you,) may have noticed a conundrum that I am presently faced with. You see, this blog is titled "beninrio." Ben in Rio. However, I am no longer in Rio. I think you might see my dillema.

What to do about this?

Also, I have come to the realization that I am no longer special. Let me clarify - I started this blog several years ago as a way to express what I was seeing - a lens into a culture and city not my own, my wrestling with the questions of poverty, of violence, of how God fit into all that. I began to write as a way to update friends with a little more regularity, provide a day-to-day slice of life type experience, and finally to have a place to share with you stories of my adventures and the ridiculous things that seem to happen to me on them (I don't know why...)

Now I'm back in the US in a culture that, if not my own, at least gives the appearance of being mine. My life is much less different, and much less dramatic. At the same time, my outlets for processing are greater - friends to talk to on the phone, family close by, slowly getting plugged in here where I'm living... So where does this leave us?

I like writing. I like sharing what's on my mind. And I appreciate that I have a few people who seem to get some joy out of my fumblings on the keyboard. So I will keep at it. I don't know what it will look like. In all likelihood, it will simply be what's on my mind - books I've been reading, interesting things I've found out, adventures and stories, things I've found that make me laugh, make me think, or make me cry, explorations of theology and life and how we all fit into the grand scheme of things... you know, the usual. =) Basically, it's just me. And while my setting is a little less "exotic" than before, I think there is value and beauty in this for me.

So, without further ado, allow me to introduce you to "the new blog..." (right now, it's called "only human..." but that might change in the future.) So update your bookmarks, your links, your RSS feeds, and stop on by to check it out... see you soon...

Awesome thing of the day...

2009-08-22T13:30:00.001-05:00

A home-made helicopter built by Wu Zhongyuan, a farmer from Henan province in China...

Via "The Big Picture..."

Once again

2009-08-11T23:58:00.003-05:00

Once again it's been a while since I've shown up here. And if I'm going to be honest with myself, and with ya'll, it's for a variety of reasons - so here's what they are, and what's up with me right about now...

1 - Things have slowly been getting busier here in my neck of the woods - starting to settle in, to begin to make some connections and beginning friendships, to get a picture of what this next year might look like... It's been good to settle in a bit, even if there's not exactly a schedule yet.

2 - I have a job (of sorts) doing medical interpreting in Spanish, which is kind of fun, a little bit hard, and also intimidating. Many of the words I have discovered that I don't (or didn't) know in Spanish include: bruise, heartburn, catheter, bladder, CAT scan, tingling, disclosure, and many others. And then when you add to the fact that I want to throw Portuguese in there half the time, it makes for a stressful time.

3 - I'm still praying over what this next year will look like - ways to get involved in the community, in my church, with the poor. I don't know yet, but am hopeful.

4 - My self-imposed hermitage is nearly over - the past few weeks I've been able to see a few good, close friends, and plan out several other visits. I finally have enough energy where it is exciting and I'm looking forward to spending time with many of those that I love, rather than simply seeing it as an exhausting, draining time. I've found life in those visits, and am grateful for them.

5 - LSAT studying is coming along. Trying to make a daily habit of it. I'm registered to take the test in less than two months, so there's a bit of pressure in that. But I think it should turn out OK.

6 - These past few months have been a catalyst for me to start taking better care of myself - getting enough rest, not overcommitting to things, eating right (or at least better), getting some regular exercise (I'm up to about 10-12 miles a week now! a record for me!), and learning to live sustainably and take care of myself. You'd think I'd have a bit better handle on it by now, but no...

7 - Finally, there's the tension that I've been struggling with each and every day - "How do I live my life in the here and now, being fully present where I'm at, while at the same time remembering and honoring those who I love who are not present - namely, my community in Brazil (and worldwide), the youth on the street, the children in the favela programs, neighbors and friends and aquaintances galore?"

I'm a very "out of sight, out of mind" type of person, and I don't want to be in this instance. How do I live my life here in America in a way that honors and respects the global poor? How do I live a life that invites in those who are on the margins and at the periphery of society and my world here where I live now? How do I continue to reinforce the lessons I learned, but forget so easily? How do I love my neighbor and my God in this society that can be so comfortable, seductive, and shiny?

I've been wrestling with that. Any thoughts? Advice? Helpful comments? Constructive criticism? Bad jokes or puns?

I'm searching out opportunities here in Rockford to be involved - looking for ways to reach out to the marginalized, the orphan, the widow, the alien, the stranger, and entering into their communities and allowing them to enter into mine. Exploring how I can be a part of expanding the vision of what is possible here, and of what could happen in the future if we only dreamed big enough and had a little faith and hope...

Tonight I chatted with one of our Brazilian coworkers, and it felt so right to be thinking of, praying for, laughing with, and smiling about the stories, the victories, the good and the bad. She said "You are missed here by so many..."

And then she told this story - shortly after Michael Jackson died, one of our volunteers was helping out at the afterschool program in the favela we partnered with. She spoke with G, 7 years old, and asked him what his thoughts were on Michael's death. G replied, "I miss him a lot. But I miss Tio Benjamin more..."

I miss you too, G. I miss you too.

Saudades...

a camping adventure/fiasco

2009-08-01T11:12:00.005-05:00

So I'm really not sure which of the above will be true - adventure, or fiasco?

I'm heading out in about 15 minutes for a camping/rafting trip in Wisconsin with a group of folk...

Here's some of the factors that could go either way:

- my sleeping bag was left in Brazil - so instead of a sleeping bag, I have half of a foam egshell mattress thingie, a sheet, and a blanket.

- the tent that I am using was last assembled several years ago... in Peru. I didn't test it to see if all the pieces were there or not. It really will be a fun surprise when I get there and find out!

- rafting? in Wisconsin? hmm...

We shall see. I gotta run. Adventures and pics forthcoming...

"I'm not dead yet... I'm getting better..."

2009-07-28T00:18:00.003-05:00

"Don't worry, he'll be dead in the morning..."

For some reason, I haven't been getting blog comments emailed to my account... I'm not sure what the deal is, but in answer to Josh's remark about my "absence," I have nothing. Nothing exciting, that is.

I've been writing, but it's been for me - and while it is freeing to not have to censor myself, to watch what I say or how I say it, to express it all, there might be some nuggets I can pry out of the muck and pass on...

2009-07-03T19:34:00.002-05:00

So I've been told that (THEY say) that if I link to this site I can win a free bike... So I'm doing it... Click through and help me win an amazing bike, to drive around while I'm going to law school - help me be carless... =)

Laugh-out-loud...

2009-06-30T23:34:00.004-05:00

Two things made me laugh today (well, probably more than that...) But these two...

The first is called "There, I fixed it..." a perfect storm of ingenuity, do-it-yourselfness, and an occasional cavalier disregard for things like basic laws of physics. You will find things like this "Spare Tire" there.

My absolute favorite is the "Alarm will sound... Really?"

The second is blog of a friend's sister - it chronicles, in her own words, "the joys of working at an online home school." Possibly it's a means to maintain her sanity, but it's funny, and her comments are pitch-perfect.

You're welcome for sharing...

The Call of the Rain...

2009-06-29T13:02:00.000-05:00

"Water is always an invitation to imersion [for me], an immersion with a quality of totality, since it would accept all of me, as I am. Some primal urge invites me to return whence I came.

At times I have done so. There is some special delight in simply walking into a stream, stepping into a lake. The child's delight in a puddle is my adult's in the sea...

No rain falls that I do not at once hear in the sound of the falling water an invitation to come to the wedding. It is rare that I do not answer. A walk in an evening rain in any setting is to walk in the midst of God's loving attention to his earth, and, like a baptism, is no simple washing, but a communication of life. When you hurry in out of the rain, I hurry out into it, for it is a sign that all is well, that God loves, that good is to follow. If suffering a doubt, I find myself looking to rain as a good omen. And in rain, I always hear singing, wordless chant rising and falling.

When rain turns to ice and snow I declare a holiday. I could as easily resist as stay at a desk with a parade going by in the street below. I cannot hide the delight that then possesses my heart. Only God could have surprised rain with such a change of dress as ice and snow...

Most people love rain, water. Snow charms all young hearts. Only when you get older and bones begin to feel dampness, when snow becomes a traffic problem and a burden in the driveway, when wet means dirt - then the poetry takes flight and God's love play is not noted.

But I am still a child and have no desire to take on the ways of death. I shall continue to heed water's invitation, the call of the rain. We are in love and lovers are a little mad."

~ Matthew Kelty, Flute Solo,

Reflections of a Trappist Hermit, pp. 117-19

-----

Last week, I woke to thunder and lightning. As I sat at the table and watched the rain gush in sheets down the big picture window, I was reminded of the above quote. I came across it several years ago in Don Poestma's wonderful book, Space for God, and since then it has been a reminder for me of the joy of water, of life, of finding God in all things.

That afternoon as the sky darkened, my brother and I prepared for a short bike ride - cooling off on a ride to the house we lived in ten years ago, just a couple of miles away. As we were pulling the bikes out of the garage, it started to sprinkle just a bit. I glanced at Jon with a wondering look, and he grinned back - of course he was still up for it.

So off we went... Something about bike riding makes me feel like a kid again - the jumping off the curb, swerving and skidding around corners, riding with no hands and standing up, speed and grace... the entire way there, it was gently sprinkling - a cooling, calming rain. When we arrived, we spent a while in the church parking lot across the street from our old house, trying to drift around the corners on our bikes, taking advantage of the slick asphalt as we skidded around corners in our makeshift racetrack.... so much fun (until Jon tried to take a corner just a little too fast, and wiped out - and even though there was no harm done, that ended that specific game.)

As we turned around and began to make our way home, the heavens opened - thunder, lightning, howling wind, driving rain... I could barely see as we crossed rivers and streams that had formed on the streets near our home. Yet as we rode, the above reflection resounded in my mind, and my heart, and joy and laughter exploded and overflowed from my heart. And in the midst of that overflow, there was gratitude... I am so blessed, and that is for a purpose, a reason beyond myself... may that life continue to spill over into all around...

Where is this place? - که در آن است که در این محل؟

2009-06-27T00:58:00.004-05:00

I came across this last week - and at the time, I was moved to tears... and wanted to share something I found beauty in...

hope and tragedy

2009-06-20T09:46:00.004-05:00

“Hope” is the thing with feathers –

That perches in the soul –

And sings the tune without the words –

And never stops – at all –

~ Emily D.

-----

Watching the news this morning, watching what's happening in Iran with bated breath, keeping apace with blogs and youTube... and praying. Seeing beauty and tragedy, tears in my eyes... a couple of things that moved me to pray, to hope, to look forward, and wish I could do more...

It is beautiful to see those who have been afraid stop being afraid.

It is beautiful to see people united, crying out for justice and a voice.

It is beautiful seeing a people crying out to God.

It is beautiful to see people stand up and say "enough!"

It brings tears to my eyes watching people confront the possibility of death, and continue to walk forward.

I am afraid for them, saddened by the violence and repression - yet full of hope as well.

The following is a translation via NIAC of an Iranian blogger:

“I will participate in the demonstrations tomorrow. Maybe they will turn violent. Maybe I will be one of the people who is going to get killed. I’m listening to all my favorite music. I even want to dance to a few songs. I always wanted to have very narrow eyebrows. Yes, maybe I will go to the salon before I go tomorrow! There are a few great movie scenes that I also have to see. I should drop by the library, too. It’s worth to read the poems of Forough and Shamloo again. All family pictures have to be reviewed, too. I have to call my friends as well to say goodbye. All I have are two bookshelves which I told my family who should receive them. I’m two units away from getting my bachelors degree but who cares about that. My mind is very chaotic. I wrote these random sentences for the next generation so they know we were not just emotional and under peer pressure. So they know that we did everything we could to create a better future for them. So they know that our ancestors surrendered to Arabs and Mongols but did not surrender to despotism. This note is dedicated to tomorrow’s children…”

Such strength, beauty, courage, and humility...

Rumi

2009-06-16T22:45:00.004-05:00

This is now. Now is,

all there is. Don't wait for Then;

strike the spark, light the fire.

Sit at the Beloved's table,

feast with gusto, drink your fill

then dance

the way branches

of jasmine and cypress

dance in a spring wind.

The green earth

is your cloth;

tailor your robe

with dignity and grace.

Poetry by Rumi (13th century Persian Sufi mystic)

poem via Andrew Sullivan

the above photo is from Getty Images found via The Big Picture (featuring many, many amazing photos.)

راهپيمايي سكوت

2009-06-15T14:51:00.004-05:00

راهپيمايي سكوت
Originally uploaded by maryam ghafari

the protests...

hundreds of thousands - possibly millions...

“All books about revolutions begin with a chapter that describes the decay of tottering authority or the misery and sufferings of the people. They should begin with a psychological chapter, one that shows how a harassed and terrified man suddenly breaks his terror, stops being afraid. This unusual process, sometimes accomplished in an instant, like a shock or lustration, demands illuminating. Man gets rid of fear and feels free. Without that there would be no revolution...”

- Ryszard Kapuscinski, in Iran during the 1979 revolution.

(via Andrew Sullivan)

Update - via Wronging Rights -

For more background...

"Ask an Iranian, Part one..."

Iranian Election Stuff

2009-06-15T13:50:00.007-05:00

So I'm sitting in front of my computer, working on my last prayer letter, and I keep getting distracted by news, blogs, twitter stuff (I don't have a twitter account, but this is making me rethink... follow what's going on through twitter here...)

Anyway, lots going on there - as I've read bits of what's going on, I'm amazed and inspired by the thousands... hundreds of thousands... millions, who are taking to the streets demanding to be taken seriously, demanding their right to choose... Favorite sign so far "We are not sheep..."

A few sites to check out if you want more info:

How to follow the developments in Iran like a CIA analyst...

Andrew Sullivan has a great roundup of reports, eye-witness accounts,

Huffington Post is full of info, analysis, opinions...

Live-tweeting the revolution - collecting and posting tweets from all over Iran (mostly Tehran)

And just in case you want to get a different perspective on Iran, check out FP's Top 10 Iranian movies...

Finally, amazing pictures from the Boston Globe...

This is amazing...

2009-06-10T22:39:00.005-05:00

...and it just makes me really happy to watch.

Enjoy.

Insider/Outsider

2009-05-24T16:52:00.003-05:00

My reading for the day:

Isaiah 1:16-17

Wash and make yourselves clean.

Take your evil deeds out of my sight!

Stop doing wrong, learn to do right!

Seek justice, encourage the oppressed.

Defend the cause of the fatherless,

plead the case of the widow.

-----

So it's been about two weeks since I've been back in the US - and while there are some things that I'm super glad for, in other ways I continue to feel like an outsider... an alien... a stranger...

That seems to be the theme of my life in so many ways - from growing up in Peru as the only blond-haired, green-eyed kid around for hundreds of miles (at least until Kait was born), to coming back to the US for college, with me a mixed up, 17-year old fusion of two cultures, but not fully a part of either. I was able to spend a semester in Kathmandu, and another in Jerusalem, which drove the point home. I spent almost six years in Rio de Janeiro, actively seeking to live in community and solidarity with the poor - the favela dwellers, the children of the streets, the marginalized and excluded.

Then there was the religious aspect - growing up in a Christian home - one that took seriously the Biblical commands to care for the orphan, to advocate and defend the cause of the fatherless and the widow. My parents modeled those virtues - love, compassion, forgiveness, sacrifice, hospitality, obedience, grace, discipline, thankfulness, joy... I saw them acted out, incarnated in the day-to-day life of raising a family in the midst of a red zone (thank you, Sendero Luminoso, for teaching me the difference between tourists and terrorists - a very real point of confusion for my five year old self). I saw the Kingdom values my parents embodied at conflict with the values of the world around us - the violence and brutality and corruption on both sides of the conflict in Peru, as well as the consumerism, materialism, conspicuous consumption, and apathy that I saw on our trips back "home" to the United States.

And as my faith grew deeper, I was led once more into the position of an outsider. As I did my best to follow where Jesus led me, my eyes began to be opened to "the other." The value of the poor, the oppressed, the marginalized - "the least of these," in the parable of the Sheep and the Goats in Matt. 25. I began to see Jesus in these people. I began to value them for who they were, for who God made them to be. I began to enter into life, into community, into relationship, and away from self-sufficiency and isolation. I did it poorly, but I did it. I failed countless times, but didn't let that stop me from trying.

And now, my six years in Brazil have come to an end. I'm back in the US, trying to explore the next steps of what I want to do, of where the Lord is leading me, of what I am being called into, of where I find life... I have inklings, and premonitions... This is unexplored territory for me.

But I find myself, once again, the outsider - not really fitting in, observing, questioning... As warm and welcoming as friends and family have been, I have changed - I have grown, and I am not the same person I used to be. My interactions will have to find a new equilibrium. I will need patience and grace (both to be shown to me, and to show others). And though I'm the outsider, I'm learning to see the good in that, and to use it in ways the will continue to push myself and others towards growth. It's a little bit exciting, when you look at it that way...

-----

In related news, I just watched "The Story of Stuff." Fascinating. More than that, a call for us to step outside of what our culture would have us be and do, and to explore new ways of doing, of being, of living... May it be the first steps of many more...

There's lots I could touch on, but I wanted to highlight one quote in particular. In "the Story of Stuff," there is a quote by economist Victor Lebow. It could be taken as simply descriptive of our society, or a prescription for how to continue building our economic system. It is almost prophetic when we look at much of our dominant, Western, materialistic, consumer-driven society over the past 50 years.

In an article written in 1955, Lebow states: "Our enormously productive economy demands that we make consumption our way of life, that we convert the buying and use of goods into rituals, that we seek our spiritual satisfactions, our ego satisfactions, in consumption. The measure of social status, of social acceptance, of prestige, is now to be found in our consumption patterns. The very meaning and significance of our lives is today expressed in consumption terms..."

I read this, and hardly know how to respond. It is chilling, and sad, and yet it is also reality for millions - perhaps billions - of people worldwide. And it is based on lies: "You are what you consume." "Your value is determined by what you own, what you possess, what you have." All lies.

OK. Enough ranting for today... Baby steps...

Thoughts on Stuff...

2009-05-24T15:26:00.004-05:00

PS - (I realize that many of you outside the United States won't be able to watch this... Try youTubing "don't buy stuff you can't afford". It's not the same as Steve Martin and co., but it'll give you the general idea...)

PPS - (Check out "The Story of Stuff" for an informative look at where all our stuff comes from, where it goes, and what we can do about it...)

We're All In This Together

2009-05-13T13:34:00.002-05:00

So this is making the rounds on some of the WMF people's sites... And watching it... it helped me to remember, to reflect...

Thoughts will be forthcoming, but I need to take some time to make sure I'm actually saying what I want to say.

For now, let it be said that though I haven't been the biggest fan of Hillsong in the past, that might be about to change...

May Prayer Letter

2009-05-12T23:17:00.002-05:00

Well friends - here's the first of many (hopefully) reflections.

Some of you will have already recieved this in the mail. Others have it on your way... But wanted to put it up here as well. Enjoy my prayer letter for the month of May.

-----

May, 09

A prayer of discernment

Lord, I am willing to

Receive what you give,

Release what you take,

Lack what you withhold,

Do what you require,

And be who you desire.

Amen.

Dear Friends,

The reality of leaving has begun to sink in. The next month will be a constant state of transition – of leaving and arriving, of good-byes and hellos, of letting go and taking up. Relationships will change, and as I look towards what my life will look like in a few months, I am confronted by wildly differing options. According to Leo Tolstoy, the most important aspect of a story is the transitions. And as I look at my life, transition has been a constant theme (even as I search for constancy, roots, home, and belonging).

As I finish preparing to leave the city I have called home and the people who have made it a reality, I have been reflecting and remembering – going through memories both joyful and sad. I remember sitting on the street with Rafael and Jeferson on a Mother’s day, crying as we remembered and entered into loss together, laughing after soccer games, singing worship together. I remember shared meals (pizza and spaghetti were favorites), evenings in church, seeing these young men grow up. I remember Roberto, one of the first boys we met on the streets – his friendly smile, his charm, his laugh and constant joking. I remember the joy when Cleiton went home, left the streets, went back into school, and turned his life around. I remember the tears and heartbreak when Jeferson was murdered.

I tasted a bit of the heart of God – the heartache he feels when we make poor choices, walking away from him, from love, from wisdom, from grace that is freely offered. I watched these young men and women ravage their bodies and minds, choosing death over life. As much as I loved them, I couldn’t make their choices for them. I couldn’t force them to leave the streets, stop drugs, go home, go back to school, stop fighting, or transform their own lives. I could only love them, offer them hope and an outstretched hand. Many refused to take it, and it broke my heart.

How many times do I do the same to our Father? In my pride, I spurn his love, and walk my own way. Yet every time I fall, bruised and broken by the side of the path, he is there to pick me up, continue to walk alongside me, and show me the way. Yet grace abounds, for me and for them, for us all. Grace abounds.

I want to thank you all for living out the picture Paul paints of the Body of Christ – you have been that to me over these past five year through your prayers, your support, your friendship, your concern, and your giving. I would ask for your continued prayers over the next few months in the following areas:

1. WMF Community in Brazil – Be praying for the Nichols, Jenna, Dandy, and Jacque, as well as the kids on the street, neighbors in the favelas, and the youth we minister and live among. It is hard to say good-byes, entrusting them in the Lord’s hands.

2. Processing the transition, dealing with loss – I am aware that the transition may be difficult, and am looking to be able to have some time to process and reflect. WMF allows us to draw on funds from our support account for counseling after leaving the field, if the funds are available (currently they aren’t). I’m already grateful for friends who have committed to praying for me and walking alongside me as I “re-enter” American culture, and am looking for more.

3. Direction – I am currently finalizing where I’ll be for the next year – hopefully it will provide a good community and base for transition. At the same time, I’ll be researching law programs, and seeing if the Lord continues to open doors in that direction. There’s much uncertainty, which is a bit unsettling, but also exciting. Pray for faith and trust as I walk and follow where the Lord leads.

4. Ending financial obligations – I have a commitment to not leave my support account in the negative – currently, it is about 1,100 dollars in the red. On top of that there are ending costs (plane ticket back to the US, travel costs, etc.). WMF also has the provision for returning staff to continue to draw salary for three months after my return as I transition, continue the job hunt, and begin settling in. Obviously, if the money isn’t there, then that won’t happen. I am thankful for all of your generosity, even in these difficult economic times – the way many of you have gone without so that I could be here serving the poor in Rio de Janeiro is humbling. For those who currently support me, and so feel led, I would greatly appreciate your continuing for a short while. And if there are any questions, please feel free to let me know.

I will be arriving in the US the second week in May (am already here), and am tentatively planning a trip from Illinois out to Virginia (stopping at all points along the way) at the end of May/beginning of June (provided I work out transportation issues). I would love to get in touch with any of ya’ll who are even remotely in the way, reconnect, share more about the past five years, or just share a meal or cup of coffee. Please get in touch with me if ya’ll would be interested.

The prayer I began this letter with has been a constant refrain over the past few months. Uncertainty is difficult for me – it’s difficult for most people to live in the unknown, the near and distant future being veiled. I can’t see where the path that I’m following will take me, but I do know who I am walking alongside. I would ask that you would pray that with me and for me. I am so grateful for your presence in my life, and for enabling me to be a small, tangible expression of the Lord’s love for Jeferson, Rafael, Cleiton, Roberto, Serginho, and all the others over these past five and a half years.

With much love and gratitude,

Ben

well here I am...

2009-05-09T14:48:00.004-05:00

As you may have gathered from the previous post, my last week in Rio (last couple of weeks, actually) was a whirlwind. And while there are obviously things to do, people to see, etc., I'm hoping and planning to be able to take some time and solitude to process, to reflect, to grieve and let go, and to look forward to the next steps. There will be logistical things to work out, stories to be written, miles to be run, books to be read, silence to be enjoyed and entered into... Some of it might even get put up here...

But, before I do any of that (or even share some stories from the last few weeks), a couple of fun facts for your perusal:

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- My last day at Timonis, the before and after school ministry that we partner with in the favelas, two of the older girls came rushing up to me, begging me not to go. I thought to myself, how sweet that they are going to miss me, and wish I would stay. But then they went on to say, "Oh no, it's just because of the swine flu. Everyone in America has it. It's dangerous." 2 10-year-old girls in the favela...

- 5 diseases outbreaks worse than swine flu.

- I noticed a number of people in the airports wearing masks. A few airline workers, a few more passengers, most wearing simple surgical masks or dust masks (the kind you use when sanding, etc.) But there was one guy who had the heavy duty, silicone mask with special filters. I kept wanting to take a picture of him (saw him both in Sao Paulo and Washington DC), but he was too fast... Disappointing, really.

- Afghanistan has quarantined their only known pig in response to the flu. It's a resident of the Kabul zoo, and is named Khanzir (which means pig in Arabic.)

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And now, I'm going to go outside for a run... Hooray for spring!

36 hours down, 68 left

2009-05-04T20:23:00.001-05:00

Whew.

Of the past 36 hours, 3 of them have been spent in my home. Despedida (good-bye party) at the Nichols on Sunday was a low key time - maybe 15 friends and ministry partners, eating snacks (delicious food by Rebecca, coffeecake by Ben), and talking about the past and future. Rebecca explained to Anna that we were having a party for me, "but it was a sad party..." yeah.

Last night at church, with a message on grace and hope. Appropriate, I thought... And then over to Jeremy's house for one last guys night which included a rousing game of Canasta and watching most of the movie Labyrinth. (Seriously guys, we're slacking. Whatever happened to poker nights, Rio Risk, Rambo movies, ultimate memory... My fault though, as I had final veto power over all decisions... And the company was great. I'll miss those times.)

Digression - Some of you may have seen the movie Labyrinth. Others, like me, may have only seen snippets. For those of you who are unaware, it is... kind of hard to explain, actually. Jeremy described it as "the movie that failed in every category that the Lord of the Rings excelled in." It is a fantasy adventure film/musical, starring David Bowie (yes, David Bowie) as King of the Goblins, co-starring lots of weird muppets from Jim Henson's company. Frank Oz (Yoda) was even in it. Acting? Horrible. Plot? Nonsensical. Music? 80's power ballad. Muppets? Psychedelic. Kind of a hybrid between Sesame Street, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Sound of Music, and Lord of the Rings, if you can picture it...

I wonder where the movie came from... what is the story behind it? Did David Bowie one day decide he wanted to be in a movie?

"Let's see... I like kids. And goblins. I love goblins. In fact, I want to be King of them. Let's sing songs too. But MY music. And I want to have a music video in the middle where I dance and throw a baby high in the air (my personal favorite). And don't forget Animal's crazy cousins who remove their heads and dance around the fire. I want kids who watch this to have nightmares for months after. Oh, and maybe..."

So he called his friends, (George Lucas and Jim Henson) and I guess the rest is history. I could go on, but maybe we'll stop now and end this digression... There's still organizing and cleaning of stuff to do around the house... ok.

End Digression.

The rest of the day - pancake breakfast, a short time of prayer (thanks guys, I really do appreciate it), running home to get stuff ready for streets, one last day of making the sandwiches, talking with the bakery lady about how I'm leaving soon, run to the entrance - wait, are those gunshots? Yes, they are. Will it be my last gunfight? maybe. Bus ride downtown, prayer in the cathedral, walking all over downtown trying to find where the youth are... No dice. I wonder where they are - I've been telling them that today is my last day, and we're going to have a little despedida. I brought cake. See a few older men and women. Meet up with three or four of our friends at the final spot (the XV), and have a good conversation good-byes... But missed seeing many that I had hoped to... I'm going back down on Wed. afternoon on my own to try and search them out - we'll see how it works... the cake is still in my backpack, waiting for the right time. Then off to buy a couple of gifts/lembranças and eat dinner (my gas canister ran out yesterday morning... so no more cooking at home for me), and home.

Now, clean, rested, and ready to work... so I'll do that. It's real, and happening...

Pondering tonight...

2009-05-02T21:28:00.000-05:00

"He (Jesus) does not call us to do what he did, but to be as he was, permeated with love. Then the doing of what he did and said becomes the natural expression of who we are in him."

~ Dallas Willard (The Divine Conspiracy)

A horrible error

2009-04-28T20:55:00.008-05:00

So we got home on Sunday evening from our mountain adventure... Pretty tired out, but refreshed emotionally, spiritually, and relationally. We rented this house way back in the middle of no-where - felt like I was back in Peru on the road up to Shillia at times, except instead of having our old 4x4 lemon-yellow Toyota pickup truck, we were in itty-bitty-city cars, not meant to drive through mud, dirt roads, giant ruts, huge rocks, and dodging dogs, cows and horses...

The house we stayed at had all kinds of fun toys - ping-pong table, pool table, sauna (the old fashioned, wood-burning kind), fireplace, volley-ball court, soccer field, and even its own little man-made pond (maybe 4 feet deep at its deepest point) with a tiny island out in the middle of it. On the little island was a picnic table, with a small, rickety foot-bridge leading out to it. Within the first half hour we were there, Rich and I started exploring - looking at the game room, checking out the area, etc., and we ended up on the island. Right next to the island (maybe four feet away) was a large sand-bar looking thing. As we were exploring, why not jump out onto this little sandbar?

Bad idea.

It was a little bit chilly (being at about 4000 feet, a bit rainy, and the sun getting ready to go down) so I was wearing jeans and tennis shoes. The jumping part went fine - it was the landing that got a little bit messy. Unbeknownst to me, the aforementioned sand-bar was more of a "quicksand-bar", with the unfortunate result that when my left foot landed on/in the sand, instead of supporting my weight and allowing for a smooth, graceful landing, my foot sunk almost a foot deep, and stopped moving. This resulted in all my forward momentum stopping, and being translated into a fast downward momentum. Thankfully, the quicksand/mud broke my fall. The next thing I knew, I was lying face first on the edge of the sandbar, my entire front covered in mud and sand, cold and wet and a little bit shocked. "This wasn't supposed to happen quite like this..."

Rich, watching from the island, was laughing so hard he almost fell into the water... I was laughing so hard that I could barely stand up (only to begin sinking again). And then, as the laughter died down, I realized I was stuck. I tried stepping closer to the edge to jump back onto the island, but the edge of the sand bar started caving in, sucking me back under. Rich tried to help by throwing me a small plank. We realized that I could make a bridge, but it would quickly break. So, I tried placing it on the edge of the sandbar to spread my weight out while I prepared for a jump. Still, no dice. The sand was just too crumbly and quick-sand-y.

By this point, the rest of the group had gathered - some offered helpful advice (like pointing out where the water was shallowest, and that it didn't look like there were too many snakes in the high reeds) while other helped by throwing fruit at me to motivate me to get off the sandbar quicker. I was finally able to get off by taking off my shoes, and running and jumping into a marshy area where the water only came up to my ankles...

And thus began the retreat...

...and again he asked, "why?"

and thanks for coming out...

Back for a bit

I think it might be moving day

Awesome thing of the day...

Once again

a camping adventure/fiasco

"I'm not dead yet... I'm getting better..."

Laugh-out-loud...

The Call of the Rain...

Where is this place? - که در آن است که در این محل؟

hope and tragedy

Rumi

More links...

راهپيمايي سكوت

Iranian Election Stuff

This is amazing...

Insider/Outsider

Thoughts on Stuff...

We're All In This Together

May Prayer Letter

well here I am...

36 hours down, 68 left

Pondering tonight...

A horrible error