If it's not funny why did you read it?

Hey

2010-10-14T19:13:00.001-07:00

I have a lot of funny post stored up. I'm not going to post them unless this post gets ten comments. Nobody reads my blog sooo...not gonna happen. Thank goodness bcuz their embarrassing.

THE OUTDOORSMAN

2010-10-14T19:09:00.001-07:00

THE OUTDOORSMEN

The Outdoorsmen are a rare species. They usually have long, tangled hair, a ragged, toothy grin, and hairy legs, REALLY hairy legs. They are typically sweaty and gross. They don't mind using “a bush,” which makes it embarrassing to know one of the race. Well, I know one of those Outdoorsmen. Even worse, I am one of those Outdoorsmen. That is why I was recommended to lead the local young sweaty, gross, bush user kids on an outing. Actually the local boy scouts. I received the call early this morning.

Bob: “Hey Fastj! It’s Bob!”

Me: “Bob!”

Bob: “I have a small favor to ask”

Me: “Really? That’s a bummer because I just fell into the sewer and got lost!”

Bob: “Don’t worry! It really is a SMALL favor”

Me: “Help! I’m drowning!”

Bob: “It has to do with the outdoors”

Me: “Oh, well, I’m back on solid ground now!”

Bob: “Good, I want you to take the boy scouts on an outing”

Me: “Help! I fell back in!”

Somehow my friend, Bob, talked me into taking the “wee little titers” on a trip. A camping trip. I knew that this was going to be my undoing. If not physically, then mentally.

On the day of the trip I slept in. Well, not really, I mean I did get up at the start time of 6:00. Just the next day. Then my Jeep (all Outdoorsmen have a Jeep, you know those gas guzzling open roofed things?) broke. It just wouldn’t start. I called Bob to apologize.

Me: “Hey Bob!”

Bob: “It’s about time you called!”

Me: “Yeah, about that. My jeep won’t start.”

Bob: “Ok, I’ll call Sam the Stinky and he’ll pick you up.”

Me: “Wait! I figured it out. You start it with your key not by kicking it and saying Giddy’ up!”

Bob: “Yeah right, not even you're THAT stupid.”

Me: “Uh-oh, I’m gonna’ be late!”

Bob: “What do you mean gon-”

I hung up and put the pedal to the metal. After a few miles I passed Bob (he was waiting around with a bunch of little screaming kids) and Bob started yelling something that sounded like “Get your ear in the other direction!!!” I knew he must be joshing me because Mexico was in this direction. Then my phone rang and I answered it, the second I did so I heard “TURN AROUND AND GET BACK HERE BEFORE I CALL IN THE MILITARY!!!” Oh it’s just some telemarketer I told myself. After about half an hour I saw dust. I kept driving until I saw a group of cavalry charging down on me. I took a detour and lost them, although driving through the bomb site might not have been the best decision.

Then I began to feel guilty. I decided to pull a u-turn, forgetting I was on the free way. After that minor adventure I was on my way on a pile of-WAIT A SECOND. What am I doing on top of a hay truck?!?! Oh well, at least it is going in the right direction. When we passed Bob and the little screaming people I jumped...SPLAT! Boy, today is tied with the other day for WORST. The only other day that was this bad was when the bear chased me up a tree and I fell asleep. And then the tree cutters came and...I'll go into that another time. For now I will finish up this adventure.

Anyway, once I got put back together by all the kings horses and all the kings men, I started to get introduced to the little screaming people. There were ten screaming people, I think. At least that's the amount I brought back from the trip.

So once the kids were put into my care and Bob reluctantly let me borrow his van, I stated my rules.

1. No yelling

2. No screaming

3. Obey all rules

Well that sews up this adventure! I will post whenever I have another one! Adiu! Farewell! Alf Weederzen! Snish genterwentziener!

PS: I guess the boy scouts are an okay group. Very nice group of kids, actually. And my new van is cool.

2010-02-20T17:10:00.000-08:00

THE CITIZEN DAWG

Hi there!

My name is Ivan. I am a citizen dawg. I don’t care about the (shouldn't say), the (i shouldn't say) and the…stupid ppl (I repeat myself a lot), just so long…NOBODY TOUCHES ME AND MY DOGGIE BED! Ya, I live the highlife…the fast lane…the, rich spuds…they’re all mine. Well me and my Doggie Sleep’a we go back a long way………….

“ZzZzZzZzZ *Snort* ZzZzZzZ *Snurple* ZzZzZzZ *Huh?*” I perked my ear. Footsteps were coming my way. My owner sayed:

“ Now ya be good now Snurky ya hear?”

“Sure thing boss” Whenever my boss told me to be good it meant he was leaving.

“Bye now Snurky!” ya whatever.

““ZzZzZzZzZ *Snort* ZzZzZzZ *Snurple* ZzZzZzZ *Huh?*” I heard him shut the door.

Awe! Sweet mama! Less see whats in the fridge…huh? PICKLES! Blugghhhh! Ok I is eating fastfoos tonight!

“Hmmmm dis alley has always been good to me!” I commenced to eat the rest of the chicken wings I found in the knocked over trash can.

“MEOW!”

“Here kitty kitty! Just one bite please, I aint askin’ much!” u see there was this cat dat was trying to get me rightful chicken wing’s an’ I planned on putting him in his rightful spot…in me tummy.

“MEOWWW!”

!@#$%^&*()@#$%^&^%$%^&**&^!!!!!!!

I tucked me tail and retreated to a more strategic spot…the house. The victor didn’t take advantage of my reeTWEAT!

“Hmmm, Nice birdie, Nice birdie” I spotted a bird on the porch by my doggie door.

!@#$%^&*()!@#$%^&*()!!!!!!!!!!!

I dove back through my doggie door. Theres alot mur to cats and birds than at first site, huh?

In doggie slober,

Cannon

2009-11-27T15:57:00.001-08:00

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blbllblblblblbllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

So I said I would....

2009-11-27T15:42:00.000-08:00

Post....
Change the template....
Make more polls....
Be more loyal to my readers....

AND YOU MY READERS SAID!

You would comment....
You would become followers...

SO if my readers do that then I will post....as a starter I want 2 comments on this post.

Also, if you want my newsletter go to membership and in settings you can sign up.

Regards,
Fastj

The New FastjHumor, FJ!

2009-11-04T14:51:00.000-08:00

Fastj here,

Just want to update my fans on whats been going on.

The board (also bored) of directors have taken the blog down and edited it. New look, new Sshnazz, and MORE posts....STARTING NOW. So happy Birthday FJ! Hang ten, break a leg, and c'ya 'round!

FJ,
Only member of the Bored of Directors.

Me and My Ideas......

2009-09-13T18:35:00.000-07:00

You might be surprised that a 12yr old does NOT have a cell phone. I have come up with a few scenarios that prove to my *cough* “people in charge of buying me a cell phone” that a cell phone is very much needed. Well actually an iPhone to be exact. Here is my first scenario:

I am driving along minding my own business when I am pulled over.

Cop: “What are you doing driving?”

Me: “Oh nothing really just minding my own business.”

Cop: “You’re not even a teenager and you don’t even have a license!!!”

Me: “Well did you know there are a ton of illegal immigrants out there without licenses?”

In this instance I would whip out my cell phone and call child abuse. A cop is actually about to handcuff me!!!! Now here is my second scenario:

I am walking along and I step in gum…Quick! I must do a Twitter update!

Here is another scenario:

I am really bored and so I duct tape my foot to my face and my arms to my legs. But if I had had an iPhone I would have whipped it out and start playing Papi River Jump or Cube Field :)

Well now that I review my reasons I think I better keep my peace or I will look like a fool. Oh well. Epic Fail.

What I wrote for a essay when I was 10!!!

2009-09-11T20:28:00.000-07:00

McManus: Rubber Legs and White Tail Hairs

This book has approximately 198 pages. It has 26 chapters, giving it a 7.615384615 average of pages per chapter. The author makes each chapter a little story, so in the long run I should write: Each story has 7.615384615 pages. I am giving you all this data so you can, in your head, imagine the length and capacity of each story. Now of course this is not very accurate given account that the recorded data is the average of the stories. This means if every page has 100 words then the first two chapters could be, five pages and fifty three words, and one page and forty seven words. This is an example of course as the book may, or may not have an average of 100 words a page. This, if you still follow me, should give you the answer as to why the data is not accurate in the term of every chapter is 7.615384615. Thank you for reading, and have a good headache!

Jonathan A. Christensen,

U.S.A provider in headaches,

War Stories...

2009-09-08T19:30:00.000-07:00

So the other day I was trying to be a comedian. I had my Army hat and I had the following conversation with my audience:

Me: "See this hat?"
Audience: "Yes!"
Me: "I always wore it backwards which explains the bullet holes in the front!"
Audience: ????
*popcorn tossed at face*
Me: "NO!!!! THE JOKE IS THAT I ALWAYS RAN AWAY SO I WORE MY HAT BACKWARDS SO THAT WHEN IT WAS INSPECTED BY THE COMMANDER I WOULD HAVE A TON OF BULLET HOLES IN THE FRONT!!!!"

Another Epic Fail.

SWAG BUCKS

2009-09-08T10:14:00.000-07:00

This is totally legit and works. Click on it and start using it, if enough of u do it then i will post!

Funny Puns and Qoutes

2009-04-30T12:27:00.001-07:00

I am not related to my sister.

Nothing goes my way....But dust.

Twitter joke: I went. I say. I twit (Quit.)

I just found this post, I never published it. I made it in 2009 and I made every single one of the qoutes haha.

Trouble

2009-03-03T20:57:00.000-08:00

This story I wrote when I was ten or eleven yrs. old:
It had been a lousy, hot winter day. I woke up and went to feed my chickens and, as I ran across the armadillo path that was made out of bricks, I ran into a tree (ouch, I said). I fed the chickens and started running back, but not paying attention to where I was going, I fell in a river that ran under a bridge. I then had to swim to the other side, because I thought that the side I was swimming to was the side to get back home (I was wrong). I crossed over the bridge, and was almost to the porch, when I tripped over a flower and fell face first into the mud.

2009-02-16T09:51:00.000-08:00

Gilligan's Island PT One

This is the tale of Gilligan Island, by FASTJ

"Ho land, ho land!" Gilligan spurted out, from his precarious perch atop the stick above the sail.
"Gilligan, that is not the way you say it!" Skipper yelled above the raging wind and rain, "You're supposed to say, Land ho, land ho!"

"Sorry Skip!" Gilligan hollered.
"Don't worry about it!"
"TY!"
"Don't throw text at me!"
"K!"
"Stop it!"
"?4U"
"What!"
"Y?!"
"Because I will throw you overboard!"
"Y?!..."
And so the conversation went, as the boat drifted closer and closer to the rocky shore.
"Shush your tongue or I will do it 4 you!"
"Uh Skipper-"
"-Yes I know I said 4 instead of for…That just means your non-"
"SKIPPER!" Gilligan yelled out, Interrupting his sentence. In fact it was so loud a yell even the crashing waves (yes, the boat was now so close to the rocky shore you could hear the waves crash) and the raging wind and rain were drowned out.

The Skipper turned around to see what the noise was about.
"Gilig-emph, y did-emph, u tell-emph, me?!" Skipper spluttered out, being covered in spray as he said it.
"I-emph, tri-" Next thing Gilligan knew, it was pitch black.

Teacher

2009-02-13T15:28:00.001-08:00

The last day of school is a happy time for everyone, especially the teacher. It just so happened that every year I, a teacher, was always the first one out the door. That day was the day I taught the kids most. I would start out by saying, "Now kids, for today I am going to tell you all about the best summer vacation sites, the best hunting grounds, and the best way to make a slingshot!" All the kids would cheer at this, because usually I told them stories of my childhood and life lessons I had learned. All the kids liked having me as a teacher. I suppose because I have better stories than all the other teachers. Anyway, I am always the first one out of the classroom on the last day of school.
One time, much to my surprise, a teeny weeny kid beat me to the door! I was horrified! I knew I was slowing down when that happened. I had to do something about it. The very next day I went to the gym and got a membership, yes, that was my plan. Workout everyday, especially running and jumping. That whole summer was a summer of relentless working out...I ran 10 miles a day, and 2 miles of that run I ran while I jump roped, and another 3 miles was jumping over logs while a ran. Soon the torturing summer was over...and school had begun again.
Now, I had made another training plan for during school, so that I wouldn't get out of shape. I would race to the door everyday! Yup, jumping over chairs and desks, then running helter skelter with the kids would surely train me well. Okay, forget everything I've said. I wasn't training for the last day of school, I was training for long distance hurdling in the Olympics. What better way to train then to turn an everyday event into a training session? Okay, so maybe running from where I was standing to the door is not very far...but I had trained all that summer, remember? Okay, I know I told you to forget everything I had said, but you can remember some.
I did end up winning the last day in school, but I didn't win the Olympics...oh well. I did not tell anyone I went to the Olympics, that way I wouldn't be embarrassed if I didn't win, and it would be a nice surprise for everyone if I did! Okay, I know what you're thinking. They would see my name on the screen and know it was me, right? Wrong! Hehehehe! I changed my name! Hehehehe! And, by the way, China is a nice place. Yes, I am writing my memoirs here...about before I went to the Beijing Olympics...now everyone knows it is me who lost...oh well. And now my memoirs are ended!
Goodbye. Thanks for wasting your time to read this! Hope you enjoyed it!

Dear Faithful Readers...

2009-02-04T13:16:00.000-08:00

Dear Readers,

I have been very depressed lately...I haven't gotten a single comment. Just today though I thought "Hey! I know what I can do...I will check my site map and see if I have gotten any visits, and if I haven't then I'll stop writing for this depressing blog. If I have had visits then I will write more and fix up the color scheming to something more joyful!"

That is why little Ted is here.

Meet Ted. Ted is a fluffy little post that I found on the side of the road. Ted was starving so I adopted him. Ted said he was copy righted, but since I am so kind I can copy him. That said, may we sail toward the far, far, away horizon of a completed post.

"Higher the main Jib mate's!" Said Captain Book.
"Aye Captain!" Said second mate Johansen.

"Sailing the seas of the mighty one,

Hoppin' on one leg to stay on top!

Of the mighty sailing ship!"

"Oh yes I is sailing the seas,

Combing the water,

For the mighty Peter Pen!"

"Sharpen your pencils lads!

That is the sign that the mighty Peter Pen is around!"

"Oh, higher the Jib, higher the anchor,

sail around to the eastern shore..."

"Get to work Salamander!"

"Aye Captain"

"And never sing that stupid song again or I will throw down to the devils locker!"

And that is how Salamander started out every day on the mighty ship, Literacy. Contrary to his very words Captain Book never did throw Salamander out to sea.

And so ends Ted's post,

Thank you all you loyal readers,

Fastj

How to get your dad away from the TV so you can watch it.

2009-01-19T10:34:00.000-08:00

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This is how I got my Dad away from the TV set when my favorite show was on. I sauntered up and blocked the TV screen, and we had the following discussion.

Dad: Do you want something?

Me: Maybe

Dad: Is that a yes?

Me: No

Dad: So…no?

Me: NO!

Dad: Yes?!

Me: NO!!!!

Dad: NO!

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Dad: BE QUIET!

Me: Yes?

Dad: YES!

Me: Are you confused?

Dad: NO!

Me: Yes!

Dad: NO!

Me: You’re confused, how did it happen?

Dad: YOU MADE ME CONFUSED!

Me: How?

Dad: I DON’T KNOW AND I DON’T CARE! SO YOU CAN JUST LET ME ANSWER MY QUESTION IN PEACE!

Me: Okay, but what was the question you asked yourself that got us into this fight?

Dad:BLAKEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Me: That was the question?

Dad: BLUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! FUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMP! UMMMMMMMMMMMMP!

And with that he ran away and I was able to watch my TV show.

The Tale Of Scruuuder Meneeecaa

2008-12-10T10:52:00.000-08:00