Grace and Glory

Worship: Finding God in short services.

2017-07-04T10:22:00.001-07:00

***Disclaimer: I mean no harm by this post, I have just been thinking and needing to get this off of my chest. If you feel offended by this, please know my heart and that I love you. I am trying to convey thoughts that have been rolling around in my head and heart for some time now.***

God is seeking worshippers. Those who, with reckless abandon, will give Him all glory, honor and praise. In fact, He is searching the earth for a heart that solely belongs to Him.

I believe that there are two camps in the body of Christ that are at odds with one another when it comes to worship. Over the past year and a half my husband and I have been attending a church that has been quite different in the realm of what we had once thought worship would be. I was under the impression in the past that worship was only good and correct if it lasted 2hrs every church service. That indeed, only God would come if worship stretched out far longer than 1hr, and if it were any shorter then certainly the spirit of my god did not reside there. I put that in lower case because truly… it was MY idea about what I thought God wanted. God doesn’t require of me a time limit after church service, but rather a posture of my heart.

We see this pretty clearly throughout scripture where God lays out what worship is to look like… and the more I searched, the less I realized it was about time limits. I believe that God is looking for quality over quantity. How focused is your heart towards the God that rescued you and brought you from the grave.

It makes me think of one of the earliest examples of how we should worship and posture our hearts. God was looking for the first fruit… the quality of worship from his sons.

Now Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain, saying, “I have gotten a man with the help of the Lord.” 2 And again, she bore his brother Abel. Now Abel was a keeper of sheep, and Cain a worker of the ground. 3 In the course of time Cain brought to the Lord an offering of the fruit of the ground, 4 and Abel also brought of the firstborn of his flock and of their fat portions. And the Lord had regard for Abel and his offering, 5 but for Cain and his offering he had no regard. So Cain was very angry, and his face fell. 6 The Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry, and why has your face fallen? 7 If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is contrary to you, but you must rule over it.” Genesis 4:1-7

All God wanted from these boys was worship. Something of value to bring before the throne. Abel brought his first fruits… his quality of worship was pure, it was devoted. Cain’s gift to the Lord required no real sacrifice. It required no sweat, no tears… no blood. Abel brought an animal to the Lord. An animal he most likely watched come into this earth. To sacrifice something that probably mattered much to him and his family required that he lay his faith before the Lord believing that He would come through for him. Abel laid down his quality of worship.

My husband and I now find ourselves at a church that has simple, yet powerful 30 minute worship sets. During our first few months at the church it seemed so different, yet without fail, the Holy Spirit was moving strongly in my life during those times. I often found myself only able to weep as I came before the Lord. Each time I felt my heart being worked on in some of the most intense ways that I have ever experienced. I would frequently look at my watch after worship had ended, and I was amazed that the Lord had moved so strongly in such a short period of time. Service by service Jesus was shattering my thoughts on what I had come to think of as acceptable worship. My heart was and is being transformed.

It no longer is about how long the service is, but rather the posture of my heart from the moment I walk through those doors at the back of the sanctuary.

Despite all of the moments that God had worked in our hearts at our new church home, I still questioned whether or not I could be happy with shorter worship services. People from our past would ask us how we were okay with that and I would always take it before the Lord. He consistently reminds me that the Holy Spirit is outside of time. How could I ever box Him into a time constraint?

An article from www.churchleaders.com puts it like this:

“The issue of time and the leading of the Holy Spirit is a common struggle in the church. The good news is the Holy Spirit knows how to work within time and cultural constraints. The Holy Spirit works with great power, but in our humanity we often feel we need to do more, to go longer. Longer does not necessarily mean more effective. Many times, longer is less effective as we start to lose the attention of parts of the congregation.”

This article made me think of something a pastor had once shared with us as we served with him at his church. He told us that the presentation of the Word was as much worship as the instrumental kind. He stressed to us that with shortening the presentation of the Word that we are giving ourselves less time to present the Gospel to the lost. The Word very clearly states that the Gospel is the POWER of God unto salvation. We should not be ashamed of the presentation of the Word. Worship may be powerful, but the Word is the power of God that leads to salvation. That is so important.

If worship is more important to you than the presentation of the Word within the four walls of the church, think about the lost. The broken and destitute need to hear. So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God. I believe that your undefiled worship is as important as hearing the presentation of the Word.

What qualifications or standards are you using to measure the quality of worship? Typically the answer will be how we felt about it. We often assess the quality of worship based on how well it resonated with us. It’s about our emotional connection. A “good” worship service is one that we liked. A “bad” worship service is one that didn’t engage or fit with our style. In many cases, we assess the quality of worship by what it meant to us.

In so doing, we miss the point of worship entirely.

God is just searching for our hearts to be set entirely on Him. It’s not about the length of the worship service, it is about our hearts. God can do as much in 5 minutes as he can in 5 days. That is just how he works.

God may take us back to a church with 2 hour worship services, or He may keep us forever where we are at now. All I can hear Him speak is that I stay in a posture of worship, so that despite the time constraints within the four walls, I may stay in a place that keeps my eyes fixed on Christ in endless worship.

In that place, I will remain at peace.

Why I Left the Church

2016-03-17T17:58:00.000-07:00

I have left the church.

I am breaking all of the rules.

I have freed myself from the binding chains of religion.

And I have never been happier.

I can’t say that I’ve felt the physical hands of another human being around my neck strangling the life out of me, but I have felt the unhealthy spiritual hands of religion choking the very air out of my lungs. I was dying.

For years I thought that I was just jaded, and I would lie awake at night wondering if this was the church that Christ really died for. Please don’t get me wrong, yes He died for the people in the church, despite their attitudes. But for the current institution of the church, I believe that it is far from the church that Paul the Apostle knew when he walked the earth.

Beloved, there is a strangling taking place. True undefiled religion is dying out before our eyes. Before us we have big churches, with big congregations, with big paychecks… but with small relationships and petty setbacks with the things that matter most on this earth… PEOPLE!

My precious husband and I have watched from a distance as that one virtue was passed up over and over again. Each time I would hear the verse where Jesus talked to Peter around the fire after He rose from the dead, “Peter, do you love me? Yes, Lord; you know that I love you. If you love me, than feed my sheep.” It was so important to Jesus that he repeated himself THREE times to Peter. I figure to reiterate it as many times as Peter also denied Christ, but also to remind him the importance of loving PEOPLE.

I think that we have all been the forgotten, the overlooked and under appreciated. Some have said to us to be that which you lack in your life. That our hearts should certainly desire to love others when we have yet not been fully loved or fully accepted. While I don’t think it’s impossible to love fully those around us without being loved, it seems that there is a great lack in that equation. Because those that said those very words have been the very ones who did not practice what they preached. I believe that people should be invested in, loved on and gone broke over! I believe that Jesus walked this very earth with that desire and purpose before His eyes and Paul was his very echo.

Beloved, there is a cure! A simple and painful cure. It is called vulnerability. The very present action of bringing yourself from beyond the shadows and into the light. See buildings are full of shadows where things can hide, and I think that's what has happened in the church for so many years. We have found the dark spots where light no longer shines, and we feel safe there. But beloved, you are missing the greatest piece of the puzzle. Oh to love and be loved in return! What a beautiful picture of the life that Christ came to fulfill on this earth.

Come out from among them!

The days of building church buildings, television programs, book deals and large ministries is over. I believe with my whole heart that the desire of this man I love Jesus, is to love people and love them WELL. I came to know Christ because of one who loved me well… one who loved me well into the midnight hour when I needed the love of Christ to change me. Almost every defining moment that I’ve had in my Christian walk has been when the body of Christ has come alive to meet the needs of a broken world, and usually it happened around a kitchen table with some good food! NOW THAT’S the CHURCH!

So I’ve left the church, and I won’t be going back. I will no longer tie myself to the unnecessary bonds of religion which tell me to do things in order to be loved and cared for. I’ll love regardless of whether or not I’ve been loved, but I will not tie myself to those with empty words of investment.

I am taking a cue from Elvis and I am leaving the building.

It is time to come around tables and love deep into the night with vulnerable and joyful hearts.

Will you join me?

*Disclaimer: Jonathan and I have not left the assembly of believers, I am simply talking about the institution of religiosities.*

The Peace of Uncertainty: Miscarraige

2015-09-25T21:07:00.001-07:00

***After I have spent some time with the Lord about this, I feel led to share. This month, the month of October, is infant loss awareness. Though I wasn't far along at all it still has shaken me in a way that I would have never expected. I would hope that in the light of all this Planned Parenthood business and the #shoutyourabortion hashtags, we would see women arise and #shoutyourbirth. Whether the conception ends in miscarriage, still birth or a thriving healthy baby, it is still a miracle and a life to be celebrated****

I was laying in bed this evening and I could feel my heart literally breaking in my chest. I tried to sleep and shake it off, but I knew that the Lord wanted me to get this off of my chest. I've been an island to myself, and I am learning to lean in this wilderness.

You are faultless in your very nature, yet You understand the human mind...

And so I breathe here in the mystery. In the mystery of loss and fighting to find the gain.

Little Gift,

Though your presence was not given to me by some positive test, something in my body knew that you were there, and as I felt you leaving me I knew that there was some greater plan for you, by a much greater God. I felt that I failed you, and that I failed myself. The questions are unrelenting and I haven't come to some great understanding yet. But know this, I love you deeply. I justify you as a real life, that died a real death. Though you were never earthside, I know that one day when your daddy and I step into eternity we will see you. And though we didn't get far in our relaitonship, it doesn't change the way that I immensly love you.

You child, are a gift.

For God works everything for the good of those who love Him.

I am trying to find my peace in uncertainty.

I have pushed my husband and marriage to a place that I am ashamed of. I have kept him at arms length for fear of breaking into a million pieces. The one that holds my heart most closely on this earth and I am afraid to just break down with him. I have kept quiet. I didn't know how to talk about this, I didn't know how to mourn about this. Some deep dark voice told me to be quiet, that it was just some horrible moment in time to be forgotten. But that is a lie, and I know truth, and He is close. My heart longs for motherhood. The questions of loved ones and strangers push at the little hole in my heart reminding me that it's there. And my body flushed me clean of life and I don't know why. I want to be a vessel of life. I want to fulfill my purpose on this earth. And yet, I bled.

But there is a better blood.

He bled. FOR ME!

Your steadfast love, O Lord, extends to heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds.

Miscarriage is an ugly shadow. The church doesn't talk about it, and women don't justify it. But I am deeply pained over it. I don't understand it, I can't comprehend it, but I trust that God is good and He will get me through it. The enemy would have me keep these words that are welling deep within my soul to myself, but I have to get it out before it eats me from the inside out.

Your love is a furry all it's own, sweeping dust and turning feet towards home... You are kind. -Amanda Cook

My eyes are towards heaven. I am not asking for kind words, or some display of beautiful love or mercy to beset me. No, I want to give women who have miscarried a voice. Your pain is real. Your loss is real. What happened was real. A real life, taken from a real mother, without real answers. And the answers may never come while we remain on this earth, but one day when you step into heaven you will see clearly.

But while you're here dear daughter in the trenches, I challenge you to sit down and write out your story. Don't be afraid to shout your testimony from the roof tops. God is still in control of it all.

I believe.

You turn the bitter into sweet.

***i was listening to Amanda Cook's album Brave New World, it has been a beacon in the darkness during this time.****

The Arbiter

2015-07-13T17:19:00.001-07:00

Okay, so maybe posting this short story will help me finish it... be kind!

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I make my way towards the crowded subway station like a robot. Every Monday I start this journey again, I walk from my small apartment on the upper east side to the subway station. The commute to my middle class, low paying job is one of observation. With my earbuds in my ears I watch everyone as they pass me on their way to pay a debt that most will never see cease. It's routine, it's mundane... and I've always felt like I was made for more. My job as a photo editor for the city's newspaper keeps my routine in check. Either I'm editing photos of cute animals that saved a woman from a heart attack, or photos of the dangerous man caught in the wrong place in the wrong time. Every moment of this life is details.

As my feet hit the pavement of the stairs leading to my train I think that today could not be any different than any other Monday. I sometimes wonder if it will ever be different. I have imaginations of the train derailing somewhere down the line, not hurting a single person, but I get to call in and tell my boss that I won't be able to make it that day. Or I'll be the one to catch a lady being pick-pocketed and I can intervene, making good of a terrible situation. Maybe it's strange that I have such a vivid imagination at the age of 28.

Then I feel the hand on my shoulder.

I turn to face a woman that I've never seen before, but she looks eerily familiar. She has long gray hair that holds her slender face like a picture frame, and blue eyes that are so deep you think you could fall into them. Her face is lined with wrinkles in all the right places, laugh lines and those little brown spots on her cheek bones that suggest she climbed mountains and explored wildernesses. I take her all in. My eyes are trained to see the small details, and I find her's in an instant.

"Hello." She says, smiling from ear to ear.

"Uh, hi..." My voice seems to stammer as I realize she is intentionally speaking to me. After imagining all the scenarios in my head to make my mundane an adventure, I never imagined a simple hello.

"I've seen you every day for almost a year now, and I thought that it was time for me to say hello to you. It took me a long time to find you, but I never could work up the courage until today to say hello." Her cheeks seem to illuminate as she speaks to me, and her strange blue eyes are like pools, deep and majestic and I'm certain that I've seen them before. Why is this so weird?

My mind can't seem to comprehend this. She's seen me almost every day for a year... and she was looking for me? The questions that flood my brain are unceasing. I have to speak to her, but all I can seem to do is stare. Speak Penny, speak!

"Oh yeah..." awkwardness floods my tone. "I take this train every day to my job off of 43rd, I'm surprised I've never seen you before." I try to match her level of creepiness, but it's just not working. This lady holds a special place of strangeness in the world. My self-preservation techniques are starting to kick in.

"I like to watch everyone at the station, but I've never seen you before." Did I really just tell her that I'm a people watcher? I definitely matched her creepiness, but on a whole other level. "I write stories about them in my head... I pretend I know them."

Okay Penny, when I said speak I did not expect you to sound like you belong in an asylum. But her eyes never stop glowing and her smile still graces her face in the most beautiful way.

She chuckles. "Oh, your vivid imagination has not changed one bit! I do the same thing, there is creativity that brings life in the imagination of one who has not out grown it."

Her statements confuse me. How in the world does this woman know me? And why does she look so familiar to me? Where has she been hiding that she sees me every day? The questions stop in my head abruptly as I realize that I have missed my train in this strange transaction.

"Oh gosh, I'm sorry. I just missed my train, I'm going to be late for work!" I'm trying to sound panicked, but I secretly have been wishing for a moment like this.

"Well, since you're going to be late... would you like to grab a cup of coffee with me?" Her inviting smile makes me want to skip work and just go. I don't know why but I want to know more about her. I want this to be my adventure. I want today to be my moment that something happens. Then without thinking I blurt out the words that would change my life, "Yeah, I would like that. By the way, my name is Penny."

"Penny, what a beautiful name! You can call me... Mrs. H."

She had to think about that... what her name was. I don't understand it yet, but I'm going to figure her out.

* * * * *

I grab my phone and call my boss and let them know that I just won't make it today. Something about trying to get to my train and not feeling well, so I missed it. Thinking back on it now, the conversation did not make sense at all. My boss quietly obliged to giving me the day off since I've never called in before. I felt a pang of guilt, but at the same time I have to know what this is all about. Plus, how dangerous could an old lady be?

Mrs. H and I walk back up the steps of the station and out onto the street. This part of town seems empty as most have gone to work already, and I realize that I have never really been out on a week day. There is something so beautiful to this occupied ghost town. Have I really missed the simple pleasures in life?

"Where do you want to go?" I ask casually as if talking to an old friend.

"There's a sweet place on the corner about two blocks down. I found it when I got here, and I go there frequently! It's a quaint little place really."

I'm guessing she's not from the city, no one around here would ever use the word quaint.

"Yeah, The Brewers House! I know that place, my husband and I go there sometimes to unwind after work." Suddenly I wonder if she has seen us, if she's been watching us there too. Does she know Matt? Has she been watching him too? Shudders go down my spine as I realize I am walking to a coffee shop with a complete stranger. Granted she has got to be pushing 65, but who knows what she's capable of. The voices of reason are attempting to rouse my newly deaf ears.

I begin to imagine she has a team of men waiting out back of the coffee shop with a rusted up van waiting to kidnap me and drive me from New York to Mexico to be sold and never be seen again. My palms are sweaty and I have to wipe them off on my pants. She notices my gesture of nervousness and speaks calmly. "I haven't been in a city in a long time, well not since I came here to find you. My husband and I used to live in a city right after we got married, but we decided that just was not the life for us."

Our small talk about simple details have brought us to the coffee shop before I could realize where we were. She holds the door open for me and we walk in together. As we pass the threshold I realize that she is the same height as me. Almost down the the tallest hair on our head.

We find ourselves a seat in the back of the shop away from the voices of those who are already in deep conversation, or those who sit behind laptops working away. I envy those that get to work from home... I'd certainly be here every day. We sit at a small round table. The kind of table that is made for intimate dates or solo coffee excursions. I think she realizes that I'm feeling uncomfortable again because she begins to talk with that voice so full of wisdom. Soft and comforting, her words cut through me.

"Never grow old. It's not all it's cut out to be." The corners of her eyes curve downwards as I see the smile leave her for the first time since we met. "You know, it's so overwhelming that I finally get to talk to you. I've waited for so long. Mr. H was never sure if it would work, but I assured him that I'd find you. I had to find you."

The sweetness in her voice is the only thing that steadies me when she speaks strange mysteries like that. I want her to cut to the chase, why is she here?

"So, I have to ask you Mrs. H. Why exactly have you been watching me for a year? Where are you from? How do you know me?" My tone is starting to demand answers and I realize that I should probably apologize for coming off so crass, but I just can't seem to spit the words out.

"I understand how strange this all may seem. Let me tell you a little about myself. For the last 37 years I have been living in the mountains of Colorado with my husband. We packed up and moved after we realized that we just could not keep doing life in the city. Something always seemed to be missing to us. We tried hard to make it work in the city, but we were both so unhappy. We were dying for adventure. Our lives always seemed to cry out for more, and our marriage was paying for it."

The way she speaks draws me in. Her voice sounds so familiar, like someone I've know for years. Maybe I've dreamt of her, but this just seems so surreal. I breathe slow as she tells me more about her life with her husband and those beautiful mountains. My imagination paints a picture that seems almost too beautiful to behold. But it's not just the mountains that captivate me, it's the stories about her life with her husband and sweet kids. It seems to me that her life has been one that I've longed to live.

"I must be talking too much, I hardly know anything about you!" She excitedly awaits for my response.

"Oh, well... I mean, my life just isn't that interesting. Not like your's anyways." I suddenly feel the urge to make up some crazy story about my life to interest her. Something in her eyes demands honesty though.

"Right now it's just Matt and I. He works in computers and technology, and I work for a newspaper company editing photos. I am trained to make pictures look their very best. It's nothing special, but I like what I do." I look down at the table as I fumble for more words, but I realize that I'm just not that interesting.

"That sounds like a good life." Her eyes meet mine and I'm annoyed by the tone she gives me. What does she mean that's a "good" life!? It's a great life!

I'm miserable!

I'm bored with it.

She's right. Whatever she's implying, or what I think she's implying... she's right.

"You should really believe in Matt." Her words linger pregnant with intent. And I'm over the hiding, whatever it is she's keeping from me.

"Okay, that's enough! You have to stop this little hinting game, you need to tell me who you are or I'm out!" My face goes hot with anger. I can't stand this any longer.

My hands are squeezing my coffee mug as I wait in anticipation the words that will leave her mouth, if it were not made of ceramic I would surely crush it. Her hands reach down for her purse and I'm on edge waiting with karate like hands. I don't know a lick of martial arts, but I'm certainly ready to pretend.

She lets out a belly laugh that brings strange peace. "Calm down! I know you don't know karate, and I know I've upset you and frightened you, I'm sorry." It's funny that she knows that about me. Her fragile worn hands bring out a wallet. She begins to rifle through it as I see her grab a few small items. An old coin and some photos. What in the world, is this woman out of her mind?

"Now, what I am about to show you is not to frighten you by any means. When I was your age I went through the exact same thing, so I know the fear that is racing through you right now." Her sweet words are falling over me in a strange way.

"It's sweet that you feel like you can identify with me, but until you prove to me who you are I don't believe you for a second." My tone still strikes angry. Fearful anger racks my body as I'm prepared for this lunatic to be on with it already.

Those hands worn with adventure slide the old worn coin across the table. I pick it up and my eyes have to adjust for a moment as I take in all of the information on the tiny keepsake. As soon as I pick up the coin I recognize it. My fingers turn it over and over again. I reach down for my wallet and remove the coin that I've had since I was a child. My grandfather gave it to me right before he passed away. It was an old WW2 Navy Coin. He was given the coin for his honorable service in the war. It was a one in a million item, or so he told me.

Then it hits me.

I begin to shake as I look up at her and realize why I've known her.

The coin is identical to mine. The same spots from years of wear, and not to mention her convincing hiding spot. As I turn the coins over I see the name that I was waiting to see. Bruce A Worthington II. This is impossible.

She's me.

"I know you. I am you." The words slide gracefully from her mouth like they were practiced for years.

This is insane. Either I had too much to drink last night, or I'm dreaming. Maybe I'm even in a coma somewhere and this is the life that I have imagined for myself to make everything more interesting. Leave it to me to make a coma interesting.

She senses the sliver of doubt still present in my mind and slides me her driver's license. I pick up the Colorado state issued ID and see her name and date of birth. Everything matches. I have got to wake up.

"I know this seems strange, but it's true. When I met you last you were my age. It really took some convincing for me too, and she warned me that it would be more difficult with you. I suppose this has been going on for some time now." Her words still sit strangely smooth with me. I can't even begin to think of words to say to her.

"Here are some photos I think you should see." She slides them face down to me, four photos in total.

The first picture I turn over is a man in his early 50's it seems. The photo is worn, but the smile on the man is one that I'm ever so familiar with. It's Matt. Even at that age he has a way of captivating me. The only strange thing is that the Matt that I know is in his late 20's too. I'm terrified to even turn over the last three. I have an odd feeling that these are lives I have yet to know.

The first one is a girl, and in the photo she looks to be around 17. Though I've never met her before I would recognize those eyes anywhere. Those deep blue pools reflect back at me and an ache shoots through my chest. She has Matt's forehead and chin. Her long beautiful hair covers her shoulders, and I know immediately that she is mine.

I can't wait any longer, I turn over the last two at the same time. Each is a photo of a boy. One who looks to be 15 or so and the other around 12. My boys! I've seen them before in dreams that I have had, but they were never this old. I see the familiar twinkle in their eyes that I've seen a million times before when I've looked at Matt. It's such a joy to see them, but my heart beats hard at the ache I feel over them. Tears start to roll down my cheeks.

"Matt and I have had trouble getting pregnant. I was certain we wouldn't have children at all." I haven't settled this whole situation yet, but something in me gives permission to be honest with this version of myself. I begin to shudder and shake my head. This is not real.

"I just... I don't believe it, I've been drugged... this isn't possible. Time travel is not real." I stammer my words as I push myself away from the table.

"Pen, wait... don't go. I really need to talk to you. Things are not okay where you're at right now. You can't stay here. You have things to do."

She's reeling me in again. Why is this happening?

"You have to make a decision Pen, what's it going to be?"

There she goes demanding something from me again.

"I can't... I just..."

My heart is pounding in my chest... I am demanding arbitration... from myself.

The Battle Within

2015-06-20T09:36:00.001-07:00

There's a cry rumbling from the deepest parts of my soul. I can feel as it shakes me wide awake. It's been a long time since I've listened to the cry.

It started as I saw myself standing shattered before Him. Like velvet His voice whispered to my soul, "Baby girl, are you okay?" With eyes wide and heart abandoned I look up at Him and say "No, I'm not okay." I. Am. Not. Okay. And He nods in full acknowledgement of that fact that He already knew. In His sovereign love, He knew. I am left undone, standing with feet cold on sea of glass and I know that this is only the beginning.

My not okay-ness is rousing my soul to ask soul-stirring questions that demand answers. Answers that only lead to more questions. Sunsets that only lead to more sunrises. The day in, day out mundane is being blown apart by this realization that I am not okay right now. It's not a "I'm not okay, please help me.", it's a "I'm not okay, don't help me, this is how it's supposed to be!" This small moment of clarity has shown me the depth of my incoherency for the last midnight hour. But oh beloved, how the sun does rise!!!

The Church is TOO okay. He is whispering that same deafening question to her, but instead of responding in a way that would provoke a depth charge she instead smooths over the question. What this beautiful bride doesn't realize is that she is not okay, and although her bold-faced statement in lieu of brokenness cries "DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME, I AM OKAY!" Her heart cries in reality "I am not okay!" I know. I know this cry.

I am her. I have been her, this broken bride. And now I wait and listen for the sound of the cry to arise. Here in this moment of coherency, I can hear loudly the true cry of my heart. I am not okay that the church hurts in a way she has never before with unprecedented numbers of uncaring members. I am not okay that the plumb line has been removed in light of rising tolerance. I am not okay that love has been replaced by some faux fairy tale of a Christ that won't judge sin. I am not okay that my heart BURNS to be loved!! I am not okay that I have yet to see the more.

You see this is the battle within my soul, to sit idly by while inside I am dying. Dying to know why I am not okay. Dying to know why He already knows how to ask me the questions that provoke me to burning. He is pushing me to provoking... provoking His bride to awaken from this slumber and find peace in the "not-okayness" of her heart.

I challenge you beloved, if you are "okay" with where you are let Him ask you if you're okay. Let Him prod your heart into a place of heat. Warm your soul to Him, hunger and thirst again. There is peace in not being satisfied.

Wife: Protect his heart.

2014-11-18T20:33:00.001-08:00

As I was innocently scrolling through my Facebook this morning I happened upon a post that someone on my friend's list had liked. You know, the post that randomly jumps out at you while you're just trying to mind-numbingly scroll down the page. Yeah, that one.

I've seen too many to count... and too many have been "liked" or "shared" by people on my friend's list. Let's lay aside my basic concern for those who like or share these posts, as they proclaim Christ, and get to an issue that is altogether bigger than we may realize. While I typically report these posts to Facebook in hopes to stand for righteousness and truth, and I usually get a good response from Facebook and they remove the item, but today was a totally different story. They told me that while my concern had been heard, they deemed the post safe to be on Facebook and fine to be seen by their community. Whomever that may be.

What was the post you may ask? Well the subject to the video said something along the lines of (and I paraphrase) "If God didn't create women to be looked at..." and proceeded to show women as they "twerked" with their backsides exposed to a man who watched. And we're talking a room full of women in front of this man.

Stop.

Stop right there. My heart lept out of my chest and I broke instantly for those women! Those women who were not only being objectified by the man in the video... but then also that same objectification being perpetuated all throughout social media! WHY!?

Then I heard very quickly and sternly in my spirit, "Krystle, what would you do if Jonathan saw this before you?"

I sank.

I quickly reported the video as inappropriate, but all I could think of was, "what if my husband had been innocently scrolling through Facebook too and happened upon pornographic material?" I couldn't bear the thought if I had just kept on scrolling, ingoring that post... and ignoring all the men's hearts out there that I have a right as a Christian woman to protect. No it's not my job to police the internet, but I am called to stand for righteousness and truth in the atmosphere that I have influence over. After all, we are called to be thermostats, not thermometors. We mustn't just judge the temperature of a culture, but rather be ones who change it!

We must be a city set upon a hill!

One of my roles as a good wife is to protect my husband. To protect his heart, and his mind... to help guard him from the schemes of the enemy. With lust and perversion running rampant in our society I must stand watch with him over the temptation to sin. Wives, we fight this battle with our husbands together! If you think for a second it is only their fight, then we have been sorely mistaken. We are called to help protect the intimacy in our lives... and anything that comes between that is like a wedge forcing two hearts away from each other. One body, one flesh, one fight... together. For marriage.

And if you're not married... you still have a right to protect the men around you. Those hearts belong to someone else. They are someone's husband. Someone's father. We can help them win the battle if we help them protect the importance of purity and holiness.

As for Facebook... I don't think I'll be on much anymore... it's disappointing to see a "family" friendly website allow such trash into their community. I will continue to report and flag anything that I see in hopes that I can at least protect the man that protects me. Praying for peace and restoration to those that struggle with this.

Are you pregnant yet?

2014-07-30T18:58:00.001-07:00

I'm 24, I have a handome husband, beautiful house, a dog and two children. My life is what I always dreamt it would be... everything has worked as I always thought it would have!

What a beautiful life!

It's only a dream, a wish of what could have would have been... if only I had stuck to the plan. The reality is I am 28, I have a handsome husband, a beautiful apartment and two dogs... quite a stones throw from where I once dreamed I would be as a little girl. And my heart aches...

It's hard to explain the pain that I feel when I have to answer questions about pregnancy, family and children. And I know that no one means harm, but my heart still beats for my desires to be fulfilled, and I know they will be one day, however right now... it hurts. Ever since I can remember I have dreamt of being a Mommy and raising a beautiful family while LOVING every second of it. There was even a time in my life when doctors and my parents were unsure that I would even be able to conceive due to the possibility of having Turner Syndrome, and I will never forget the day that I found out that I was normal... it was a beautiful relief to a grief that I had carried silently with me from childhood. Though I was barely a teenager when I found out I would be able to have children one day all I could do a lot of times was dream of what my family would be like one day.

I had it written down on paper... every detail! Names, genders, house design... you name it! Everything was leading up to the biggest let down of my life! Or the life I had created in my head according to Western Christian standards. It wasn't a let down all at once, but it was year after year after I had turned 24. That's when the questions started. The questions that would thwart me into a place that I wasn't at yet... questions that would always try to give me a title that God hadn't given me yet. It started with friends and family asking if there was a "special someone". And in my line of sight... there was NO ONE! No one seemed to fit that bill of "husband material". After the questions started, my heart began searching... everywhere. I would watch guys at church as they prayed or worshipped and I would think "is that him? I like the way he worships/prays..." or "I wonder if he knows I exist, maybe I should pray in front of him, surely that would attract him." These questions bombarded my heart long after they were asked, and I tried hard to push them down.

It was by the grace of God that I was able to ignore these questions for a time after dealing with day to day anxiety and heartache of still being single. Through tears at night in conversation to God I would tell Him that this wasn't how I planned it all to go!

Then I met him! Handsome husband came waltzing into my life... well he was boyfriend and fiance first, but it seemed like out of nowhere he appeared, even though I knew him for years as a friend before we ever considered any type of relationship. It wasn't long after our simple commitment became public, and before I knew it family members were asking me if he was the "one", and though I answered that I thought so I really had no idea. The Lord confirmed to me over the course of our relationship that he was in fact the one that had been chosen for me, but even before I could say "I do." there were those who were beckoning me into being a wife long before I had rightfully had been given the title of one. It was hard to have a chance to be girlfriend and fiance when the questions and standards around me were forcing me to think of marriage before it were even an option.

So then we were married... we have rented a beautiful little apartment, and although we had each other we felt the need to add to our little family. We weren't quite ready yet for parenthood, so we got a dog! And then another! Everything seemed to be going well, but no matter what friend I hadn't seen in months or what family members I had the honor of visiting with, the questions started to come again. The catapulting of titles were thrown onto me that I hadn't been given the honor to carry just yet. This fateful question started just moments after we were married even. Before I could ever see boxers on my floor inside out, before I could ever hear belching after a delicious meal... and before I could ever share my life with this man I just gave my life to.

At first it didn't bother me because I had asked this quesiton of friends who were recently married too. Innocently enough I had conversations with old roommates about starting a family, while forcefully putting in my two cents of when they should try to have children. It just seems like the natural filler question for couples who have just started their lives together. But little did I realize the damage it was doing to my heart... until recently it was asked of me.

"So, are you pregnant yet? When are you guys going to have children?"

The question hit me hard as I saw an old friend standing in front of me holding her belly with child, and there I was with just my husband and two dogs. And I found myself with my husband at the local grocery store breaking down in the salsa aisle because I wasn't fulfilling my calling as a woman. Now don't get me wrong, I am beyond blessed and overjoyed at what the Lord has given me at this point of my life. But it was as if my heart couldn't help but go there. That dream where I am 24, with a house, husband, two kids and a dog. And then I snap back violently into the present and there is a deep aching in my heart for what I know is a promise yet to come. I have come to realize that these questions have been forcing me to imagine titles and giftings that the Lord hasn't allowed me to step into just yet for whatever reason... and I am learning how to grieve while trying to conceive. I know that while although Jesus has given me hope for tomorrow, I still have to deal with my flesh that desired things long before they were in existance.

I desire children. They seem so close that I can almost reach out and grab them, but yet it is still not so in my life. You don't have to ask if I want to start a family, or if I am pregnant. I already feel the burden of being a mother, long before my children will ever arrive. This is my purpose in life.

There needs to be grace for new wives. We need your moments of interest in our lives, and not questions desiring answers that we have no clue how to answer just yet. We know that you are just being kind and caring about what you think fits our best interests, but there are some of us who just haven't gotten there yet. We don't need the title of mother when we are just trying to walk out wife. Or even just girlfriends not yet wives. Questions are good, but just let us soak in who we are created to be for the moment.

In all Chaos, Peace.

2014-04-24T19:24:00.001-07:00

How do I find You here? In the midst of the storm, where do I look for You? These gale force winds are knocking me hard. My mind feels more like a bloody battlefield than a storm crossed horizon. While there is beauty in a lightening filled sky... a bloodied field is terrifying. Men die, and families grieve. I'm somewhere between storm tossed and fighting for my very life. The grieving process has already begun.

And all I asked was for revival to come.

Why doesn't anyone ask these questions? Why aren't more wives grieved over the fact that they don't know how to do it? There's no answers... and my heart is searching hard to find them. Alone. Who cries the crucified ugly cry for revival?

Unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.

And so I find myself dying. There is a strange pulling in my heart that says not to let go, that says to maintain the face, maintain the "good life". But in all of the beauty of desiring the Kingdom of Heaven there is an ugly forcefullness that desires a sacrifice. The heave of breath upon the altar that says, "I will gladly spend and be spent..." just for Your Kingdom, oh great King.

But terrified my eyes look into the horizon. Bright flashes of lightening and peels of thunder nearly split sky from earth. And I am dandelion waving in the wind... seed spent until all is gone. And this is where beauty happens... in all the seeds falling to the ground alone... and I am seed falling to the ground to die. Everything changes so quickly... and before my heart can have time to grieve the time spent as a flower... the sprouts are coming forth. Hundreds of beautiful seeds that died alone, yet now bear forth beautiful flowers.

It's a beautiful image that passes before my eyes... and although the answers come, so do the questions. There's no book or "how to" on welcoming revival into your home while folding laundry. There's no class or lecture on how to love your husband well while pushing through into the Holy of Holies. And the flesh of my heart would say that I can only do one well... and at the end of the day I choose to love Jesus well in hopes that I would love my husband well. Most voices would spill complements or even suggestions from their lips, but there's no heart of a woman that I know that is pressing in for the answers... how do I steward revival and my home well? If my husband is called to reach the nations... how do I reach our little nation first. This little nation, the tribe of our family. The hearts that will one day mean more to us than any other on this earth.

Jesus I want to see human trafficking end! I want to see abortion end! I want to see revival in the earth! But I don't want any of those things if I cannot see my family before the throne with eyes beholding Him highly exalted. Our one day family standing upon the sea of glass in adoration to the King.

How do I find You here in this Jesus? How do I learn to be a mother now? How do I learn to stir up and host revival now? In this place, in my storm. Help me find peace.

An open letter to Moms: Finding peace in the fear.

2014-02-10T18:58:00.001-08:00

Dear Mom,

I know you're scared... I catch the fear stricken gaze every once in awhile and sense the tremble in your heart that wonders if your love will carry me far enough for long enough. I know you're scared, but everything is going to be okay. Do you know that? It will all be okay. If my heart could paint sentences my love for you would be like your favorite summer morning, sunrise all ablaze against a dark unlit sky. Coral hues and baby blues, shining against the darkness of a night that was rough against my sails. Do you see it?

I know you've felt inadequate and imperfect, but those moments of uncertainty are some of my favorites. The moments when you didn't quite know it all, but together we figured it out. I was learning to walk wide eyed and alive as a child, and you were learning to walk all wided eyed, opened hearted as a mother. Sometimes my curiosity stretched you thin until you thought you would burst and sometimes you loved me despite the questions that my heart frequently pushed. You didn't have the answers, but I didn't know that. Do you remember the moments when I was a child and you wished me busy just for a moment of peace and quiet? I don't. I only remember those moments of love. Moments where you wished for quiet and I wished for words... and there you loved me well. In grace you held my heart just a moment longer.

You're doing such a beautifully great job. The way you love me so well... you've seen everything in me. You're the one human on this earth that has known me the longest. Your's was the first voice I heard, and your heartbeat was the first that lulled me to sleep as I floated safe in amniotic ocean. These may not be words your heart dwells on in the midst of chaos and calamity, but they still ring true through the ages. As a child I believed your heart beat for me... as an adult I know it must be true. I catch it in your graceful gaze every once in awhile.

I know you're afraid that time will get away from you. You see my moments at birthdays, weddings and sometimes funerals. You've seen my first steps, first win, and first kiss... moments held together by the love of a mother. Can you see it yet? Can you see the perfect portrayal of love? Can you see the moments of trying when you didn't know how to love? There He is. He is in the moments of fear giving your heart grace to beat for those curious eyes that look up in question. He is in your words as you reach out for me bruised and broken. He is in your arms as you hold a painful teenage heart... and He is the grace when you forgive me for crying hateful words in your direction. He is the perfect Parent teaching you how to love me well, and there in the heart of the greatest Father... there is a mother! You.

I'm sorry I haven't always had the eloquent words to tell you how I've felt since the first time you ever held me in those warm arms. But it rings true... how I love you! The one who has seen me all, heard me all, and still you love me! In my wickedness still your heart beat for mine... and He stood behind you pushing love hard through you in the moments when you thought you would lose it all. His arms stretched wide to love you more than you could ever love me! What a beatiful display!

So I know you're scared you aren't doing the perfect job. I know the house isn't clean, and dishes aren't done. But there is a greater accomplishment you've made. You have loved me well!

Thank you Mom!

To the moon and back!

Forever your baby.

Eyes wide like oceans.

2014-02-03T18:20:00.001-08:00

Alive? Breath deepening in my lungs, and I almost have to convince myself that I've been doing this since I've left placenta. Breathing. Taking in the next of life, moment by moment. Inhale, exhale. Breathing, living. Sometimes I wonder with eyes wide like oceans if I'm living or just drowning in the overwhelming life. Am I living the full life? Or am I just surviving, barely sitting with chin above surface breathing between waves that take my breath away. Wonder child in me is trying to figure this all out... will you walk with me?

The Man with fire in His eyes once said that He came that we might have life, and life more abundantly. That He came to give the full life. With arms stretched wide on beam wooden and splintered, He intended for life to come coursing through my veins. Do I sometimes squander the full life? My hands fumbling the moment of sunrises more beautiful than paintings from Picasso and I forget... I forget the eucharisteo life. The thanksgiving that brings me into His courts... the thanksgiving that brings the very life into my lungs. In the rare moments when I remember I am like child wild eyed and ablaze with wonder. How did I forget in the first place?

My memory is like that of a fresh winter powder... beautiful and extravagent, until the sun comes and it's all wiped away. The surrounding heat of the moment melt the beautiful hand stroked painting and I won't remember again until that beautiful fresh cloud hits the earth again... and I wonder why I ever forgot in the first place. Only to forget again. Then cold stinging air hits my lungs and I remember! I want to live!!! I want to live life to the full. I want to live what that Man spoke of. Full life... this time, I won't forget. I am set free!

Life springs humerous into the mind of created ones, reminding us suddenly to live. Sometimes we find out when our body wrinkles and bones shatter under weight of life, and sometimes we are like babes finding out when the breath in our lungs is still new. No matter the years that life places upon our frames, we are lucky to know... life is meant to be lived! And lived full. Hands are meant to bring healing to wounds deep. Mouths are meant to speak words of forgiveness forever. And eyes are meant to adore every sunset that graces that horizontal frame between earth and sky. And to utter the words between moments of living for thanksgiving to the One who came to give life, and life more abundantly.

What if today you chose to live?

Would you remember every moment for thanksgiving? Or would your mind play like eraser on slate forgetting every beautiful stroke of the pen? I dare you today... I dare me... to live life to the full... to inhale deep in the moment of living. I want to know what life smells like, what it looks like and what it sounds like! I want to be like Sherlock around corners with spy glass in hand waiting for the moments that I get to search out the glory of the King. And my pen will find paper, and I will write... thanksgiving to the King!

What if today you chose to live?

Though I walk through the valley, it's only a shadow...

2014-01-29T06:54:00.001-08:00

God is good. The words of saints, ancient and new born ring loud in my spirit. In the face of tragedy and triumph the words that should resound from burning hearts should be as such. To cry the phrase of Job, or even David. God is good.

My heart is learning lessons hard this past week as beloved sister passes from earth into eternity. Grace isn't walking faithfully through death and loss, grace is saying at the end of the beginning without her... God is good. To cry from broken heart, "though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me..." The truest test of grace in the midst of losing is this, I am not offended, I choose to worship.

Tomorrow is this wild girl's birthday and I can only imagine that she would have approached 26 with the same wide eyes as she viewed all of life. It seems as though her common theme of life was how she could love to the full. I can only put imagination to flight now as she is before the God of eternity learning the true fullness of the heavy love, the Agape Himself. And here I know the meaning of the words that man wrote to a tune we all know; bending beneath the weight of Your wind and mercy. How He loves!

I cannot say with all certainty the thoughts that ran through sweet one's mind as she saw Him for the first time, but I can only imagine that at that moment it was Love. The heart aching, worth writing a million songs for LOVE! The tree bending, ocean rising, mountain dividing love! My heart is not certain of much in trying times, but I am certain of this. She knows love.

And now I need to know Love. I am learning how to survive without knowing for certain how the Unknown chooses to work. My finite mind says how unfair, and my heart cries pain. But I choose to worship, I choose to praise! Though You slay me, still I choose to worship! My heart aches as I try to comprehend how my earthly second papa might feel right now, and I can see his life as it aligns with parts of a story that I am familiar with, and I heard him utter the words of that man Job. Certainly God's hand is in this! He speaks with wavering tones as tears streak his fatherly form. This man is broken, but there is One who identifies with his brokenness. The man of sorrows, aquatinted with grief!

Jesus...

So we lean. In misunderstanding, in grief... we lean! And my heart finds solace in the words of C.S. Lewis "I believe in God as I believe in the sun, not because I see it, but because by it I see everything." With unveiled face I see Him, and I lean into the invisible, ever present God who identifies with my pain.

I find peace.

To all the broken: You will survive!

2013-12-22T09:26:00.001-08:00

"My soul magnifies the Lord! And my spirit rejoices in God my savior, for He has looked upon the humble estate of His servant."

The words of a poor virgin woman echo throughout eternity, written on the expanse of time because of her devotion to a God she could not yet see. Yet even still, she chose to believe in the good things. He is not a stoic detached God, but an ever near, ever present Father... waiting for the cry of obedience in the dark.

This Christmas as I read through the story of Jesus in the gospels I am reminded of the simple faithfulness of a mother that survived much to be impregnated with the very savior of the world. The author and finisher of faith. The man that was destined to die from the moment he was born, and still, she chose the good parts! Mary whose reputation was on the line, and I'm certain even her heart was breaking at the prospect of birthing such great risk. Yet even still, she chose to believe in the goodness of God. A son! Prophesied and promised! Yet destined to die. Mary at the foot of the cross, remembering the promise of her first born son... and her eyes meet the cry of the song she sang from the start. "He has helped His servant Israel, in remembrance of His mercy..."

Can you see it now? Can you imagine the pain of Mother for child? The promise taken, yet given.

Can you identify with mother of Grace? The promise, the impregnation, the gift taken and seemingly erased. Can you feel your broken heart? All the promises you thought God had spoken... only to be taken away. This time of year is like a mirror reflecting in our hearts the last year's trials and triumphs. The failures and... broken promises. Where you thought you might be, and where you're still not.

This Christmas I challenge and provoke my heart, and your's too, be like Mary and choose the good parts. The simple and the in the moment promises. The eucharisteo gifts that bring thanksgiving to lips. The promises for today... for even tomorrow isn't promised. Today may look bleak and empty, like that field full of snow, but beneath the cold and dark of snow there is LIFE! Even promises tarry, but wait, spring will come.

Remember in trial, she spoke the words God etched into time... "My soul magnifies the Lord..."

This Christmas remember the Man of Grace that came to fulfill every longing in the hearts of men, through Him... you will survive.

Keep heart, you will survive.

One night with Molly Brown.

2013-11-22T20:28:00.001-08:00

Wide eyed and whining we meet this fur covered yearling of four legs. Her tail wagged sweet when your eyes met hers and you could feel the desperation in the heart of this little orphan. It's strange how the human heart can surge with emotion over a being that could never share a single word with you.

And so began an evening of grace, trying to find peace in whimpers. Her soft head nuzzled beneath my chin and I could feel her tiny body heave with each breath of safe quiet she could take in. For this tiny ball of grace, peace is found in the heartbeat of one willing to just love her through the night... and so we did. Husband took over midway through the night, and his heart was met strong with emotion for a creature that depended on his hands for food, love and grace. Sleep was far from the ears that could hear the cries of this tiny orphan in the night. And this is when I learned what the Father of Grace was trying to teach me. My heart yearns long as I meditate on truth fighting hard for light.

Tiny grace orphan could never offer us love or words of adoration, and yet we were willing to give her all that our hearts could bear. And our hearts broke in such a vulnerable light when we woke up the next morning. We could not offer this small one everything she needed. Small grace eyes in my lap for the last time makes me realize this truth screaming loud for my heart to hear.

I can love this tiny orphan of grace, but not love the orphan of grace that the church walks past as she freezes in the cold of neglect all year long. Heart brakes screech as truth awakens my soul. Ouch.

One night with sweet Molly Brown and I can feel my heart as it is groaning for love to come forth from my heart for the fatherless. Tiny grace with wide eyes and tail wagging sweet could never love in the image of the Father, but orphan in darkness brought to life could. Who will I choose to love, and spend nights with eyes wide awake as I comfort the whimpering of the pain of a broken heart? Every two hours strong husband loved tiny grace into darkness, and all I could think was what if we were loving the orphans of the Father's heart into morning light?

My heart is broken as I am moved by compassion to love after one night with sweet Molly Brown.

I can't breathe! : A runners perspective.

2013-07-16T08:54:00.001-07:00

I am almost one whole month strong into changing my life one mile at a time. Each time my foot connects with the earth I feel a deep desire to keep pushing forward surging through me. I love running.

I hate running.

Part of me keeps putting foot to pavement to prove myself wrong, and the other part is just wishing I could hold on for ten more minutes, ten more seconds! My body hurts, my lungs HURT! My legs hurt! Everything hurts, but its a strange desire to keep pressing on for some prize that others around me can't necessarily see. It's the innate desire to keep going even in the face of adversity. In my case adversity is every ache and pain caused by my own will to just run! So I just kept on runnin'... I can hear the words of Forrest Gump every time I walk out the door with my shoes laced up!

Run Krystle, run!

It's funny how spiritual it all is when you think about it. All the times when Paul talks about running the race, keeping persistent faith... running to attain a goal that most can't see with the naked eye.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:1, 2 ESV)

Jesus RAN to the Cross if you will and many around him could not see the prize that he was running for. His eyes stayed steadfast on the joy set before him. At the end of the race he won the greatest prize ever. And I was ransomed, redeemed and forgiven! I can only with like-heart commit myself to life. To run the race with endurance, to set my eyes upon the Prize and pursue the faith! Though like my physical body desires to quit, my flesh desires the same.

Running is never easy, whether it's running for the gold medal in a race with all your friends, or running the race of faith when no one is looking. All that matters is that you keep your eyes on the Prize and keep pressing in to the goal at hand!

In the meantime I am okay with shortness of breath and a body that hurts! For though my pain is deep my heart is ALIVE!!!

The necessity.

2013-06-22T10:29:00.000-07:00

Yearning deep within me is a cry that is rousing the deaf ears of my heart. A cry that says, there has to be more than this. Something more like a mystery hidden around the corner awaiting to be found. It is the glory of God to conceal a matter, and the glory of Kings to search it out. Proverbs 25:2 I realize that I am embarking on a lifelong game of hide and seek with the God of ages. The man Christ that desires the digging, so He hands me a shovel. I am hungry for the concealed matters of His heart.

Something screams loud telling me that the seeking is the greatest place to be found. Blessings to be had and bestowed. Yet, I feel alone in this vast jungle of treasure hunting with Jesus. I feel the necessity of the seeking. To hunt for the hidden glory in my day to day is such a gift. This earth is only the beginning of my searching certainly!

It seems as though I am in this constant state of deeply seeking, it's as though the God of ages always keeps me in places where I HAVE to seek to survive. I was not meant for complacency. My times are in His hands! But, it seems like there is pain and sanctification in the seeking. It blesses my heart to know that when I step into eternity I will no longer have to deal with the pain of affliction or sanctification. There I will be made perfectly whole in Him, and my seeking will be seen in a new light. A light of great desire and a new life definition to constantly stand with the living creatures as I cry HOLY!

Oh to see for the first time that aspect of God that I have never seen before! Like a million blazing sunsets, or billions of star filled sky's lit by full moon, but with a new seeking, a new seeing. A seeing like I saw it for the first time ever! Do you remember the first time you saw a sunset, and were struck instantly by beauty? Or do you remember your first starry night? Nor do I. Renew my awe oh God! Until I step into fullness with You!

Deeper longings.

2012-07-27T20:57:00.000-07:00

I am set ablaze like a fire wild in the wind. My heart leaps at the expectation of the coming season, and I can certainly feel the change rolling in peaceful violent on the horizon. This is the embarkation. Nothing will be the same.

I have started reading the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. I have found what feels like the missing link to the puzzle I have struggled for years to piece together. In my heart and upon my lips, I am finding gratitude like a river rushing forward from my being. She calls it as the Greek Eucharisteo. Something even lays hidden in that word that longs for thankfulness. I can hear it every time I speak it out loud. Eucharisteo. Eucharisteo! The word itself means "to give thanks". And it is mentioned every time Jesus gives thanks. Thanks the Father. Gives thanks and breaks bread. Gives thanks and multiplies! This word of grandeur. This word of gratitude! How simple, and yet greatly complex. The fullness of the realization of beauty lies resting within this word. I have missed it. Most of my saved life I have missed the most important part! My gratitude towards the One who bestows all gifts!

I feel like Sherlock uncovering the mystery. My magnifying lens large before my eyes, searching for the pieces that lay waiting for me to find them. The keys to JOY!!! I have found myself with pen and paper, wide eyed and amazed like a child, at the gifts God has bestowed upon me in my every day. These little treasures that I have passed up in the busyness of life. The moments that I was sure to have lost in time. I have beheld God in His magnificence! In the HERE and NOW! As Voskamp says in her book. I am getting to know the I Am. The very present God. The God that resides in the now moments. The gifts He's just longing for us to acknowledge. Not once a year Christmas gifts, but everyday treasures that He's hidden in our self-proclaimed mundane. Beauty.

Call me a treasure hunter. For Glory! For the gifts that make my heart skip a beat. My heart has longed for me to commit to such simplicity! And so it has begun, my journal, my pen and I are embarking on a journey to find one thousand numbered gifts in my every day to give God the glory for. My eyes strain to find the simplest... my heart skips a beat when I find another one! Tonight #13 the way the clouds are set in wisps at sunset. coral hues and baby blues. So simple and poetic. Just like the sky He has strung before our eyes. Yet I gaze into sunsets 26 years and never notice like I do tonight. The beauty that's been there all along, just waiting for me to give thanks for it! Eucharisteo.

I suppose it's not even about the thanks giving that is being made, but rather what God is doing in my heart. A miracle! Only God can come and change the heart of man. And not the "try to change, but set in old senile way" but real, life-altering, gasping for air when you've gone too deep, change. Voskamp explains it cleverly clear in her book. Thanksgiving always precedes the miracle! "Father, I thank that you have heard me..." John 11:41 And then the miracle of a dead man rising! Thanksgiving raises the dead! Not to say that my heart has been dead, but it would sometimes begin to smell of the flesh that has gone without life for far too long. But there it is. The miracle. The life change. Who could say to Lazarus in the moment of blood surging life into his veins again, "Hey Laz, you're just a dead man, you'll never change!". Never! The man felt the rush of breath in his lungs after being emptied. He would never be the same. And oh, it began with the simple word. Eucharisteo. How beautiful.

I will try and post again soon as I travel further into the world of beauty and hunting for the gifts! Please get this book and see for yourself what I'm talking about. Your heart will not regret it. He's a good Father, and every good and perfect gift is HIS!

With all marvel and wonder,
Krystle

A burning and shining lamp.

2012-04-14T18:59:00.002-07:00

We are the total sum of all the moments we have ever lived. Whether good or bad we reflect them all completely in our current moments. All the healed spots, wounded hearts and patched bruises. Sometimes the sum of our lives equates to something we never imagined. Moments in the sun followed by periods of extensive darkness.

My heat has been heavy lately for friends that I once knew and those I didn't quite know, but still loved dearly. I have been hit by the weight of the cost of following Christ. My eyes have been opened to the harsh reality of those I once knew who are actually still pursuing Him fervently. I am watching as men and women that I went to bible school with, and looked up to greatly, are no longer loving and following Jesus. I suppose that theologians and scholars would say that they were never truly converted if this were the case, but I see something else entirely. I see prodigals. I see broken hearts. I see wounds that have never healed... and I see sons and daughters missing the greatest relationship they will ever have. A relationship with their Father.

I am searching for words, through Holy Spirit, on how to pray and speak to these hurting friends. I can only wish that I would be in those moments of conversation like Jesus with skin on. My heart yearns within me for the returning of the children to their Father. Oh God, let them return. I know that sometimes we aren't quite as burning and shining as we would like to be as lamps to this world, but I believe that as a church our words can bring healing, or push these sons and daughters further away. I pray that our hearts would begin to cry, COME HOME!!

Imagine with me for a moment... brokenhearted and deeply wounded a son turns his back on his father. With a darkened heart he asks his father for everything he owes him. The broken son leaves with a chip on his shoulder to squander the wealth of his father who worked his life expecting his son to spend his inheritance well. The son spends everything he has within him during a season of rebellion and disgrace. One morning the son wakes up and realizes the hole that he has cultivated within his own heart, and he realized that the time spent wasting his inheritance brought him nowhere near happiness. The son wakes up within a new brokenness that he's never had before. Reluctantly he starts his journey back to his father. As he walks over the hill to his father's house he sees something that he could have never imagined. His father was standing waiting for his son with open arms... and as tears stream down his face he welcomes his son home! No words of condemnation are spoken, but rather love and welcoming comes from his lips. For his son's homecoming he throws a party, a bash to say to the world, "MY SON HAS RETURNED TO ME!!"

Come home, come home! He's waiting.

Beginning to see the light.

2012-03-15T14:52:00.002-07:00

Well... here I go again, desiring to blog more frequently and finding myself revisiting after a nearly 6 month stint of absence. Fail. Yet, I decide to make a statement of re-commitment.

The last 6 months or so have been incredibly life-changing and strangely revealing. It's always right when I think I have everything planned out that life shifts and changes in matter of moments. None of the shifting, revealing or changing is negative in any means, but I just realize how infinitely NOT in control I am! Thank God.

During this period of great growth and expansion I have gotten engaged to the man of my dreams, and realized that the rest of my life could be spent doing nothing as long as I am with him. It wasn't easy for us during our early stages of courtship because of naysayers and unforgiving "friends" that believed they had a better opinion over our lives. But we found that there were a small band of people who believed in us more than we did at times... and inside of that small group of belief we saw the heart of Christ. Jonathan has shown me more love than any man that I've ever met, and he believes in me more than I could possibly ever ask for! If all my life consists of serving Jesus and him I would be perfectly content for the rest of my life.

Through my courtship with Jonathan I have cultivated a deeper desire for my Savior to come. I can hardly wait for the day that I see His burning eyes of desire gaze into the depths of my soul. Face to face. It seems as though the closer we get to seeing those burning eyes, the darkness rages more and more. I am so exhausted and tired of ministry the way that the church has done it, and I'm ready for the man Christ Jesus to take His rightful place as headship over the bride. My heart yearns within me.

There is a voice arising from the inside of me, and I can no longer be kept quiet!

Maranatha.

And the darkness cannot comprehend it...

2011-10-11T13:10:00.000-07:00

I feel like I am walking out of a rehabilitation center today, and learning for the first time what it means to walk again without the assistance of crutches.

Though this statement make not make sense to most, I know that there are those out there that have felt my pain and discouragement. And though I have been reluctant to start walking things out again on my own... I will. Today I felt like God has released me from the heat of the center of the refiners fire, and allowing me to once again shine with the beauty that He created me for. I am overjoyed, yet terrified..

You are a diamond, beautiful and refined. It's time to shine.

The last four months of my life have been the absolute hardest that I have had to walk through since I have been redeemed. But I know that God works all things together for the good of those that love Him. I don't exactly understand why things transpire the way that they do, but I do know that He has me in the center of His hands. I will choose not to lean on my own understanding, but rather on His, the one that has so graciously loved me through every trial and tribulation.

I must say that I have learned so much, but the greatest of all is that I cannot lean on man to bring me through the tough times. And that those that you think will be there to walk you through a certain season aren't always the ones there walking with you through the fire. My heart has learned grief, sorrow and yet such great joy by walking through these moments, and I know it was all for my good. I have lost relationships that I thought would endure till the end, and I have regained those that I thought were lost forever. It's hard for the human heart to endure loss, but I know that Jesus himself lost even some that he was closest with. His heart's cry though, was to carry on despite the trial, and yet an even greater cry... "that they would be with me where I am."

My heart cannot fully comprehend the light that He has shown into my life lately, but I know that I see through a mirror dimly right now. I will understand one day. I will understand that every tear was not in vain, and I will see Him face to face. No more tears. No more pain. Standing before the King of Glory, I will be fully known and fully loved.

If I could say a word of encouragement to anyone that is walking through a trial or a test, it would be that you stay the course that you know He has planned for you. It may be hard to focus on the prize ahead, but remember that He is with you... even when you cannot see what is in front of you. Through the valley and through the pain, He is faithful until the very end. There may not be a single person walking with you through the darkness or the fire, but it is in those moments that He is closest to you.

God is close to those with a broken and contrite heart.

Nor do I condemn you.

2011-08-17T13:11:00.000-07:00

I hear the words clearly in my ear today as I am thinking back on what has been, as of late, one of the hardest seasons of my life.

“Nor do I condemn you. Go and sin no more.” John 8:11

My heart is filled with such hope and joy at the promise of a better tomorrow and fulfillment of the destiny that Jesus has placed within me. I have found such grief in the last three months over the realization that I could have learned all of the truth available to me, and yet still mess up. I don't understand sometimes the reasoning over the decisions that I have made in the past, but I do know that there is One who does know... and He knew the decisions before I even stepped forth.

I guess that I am writing this because I feel like self-condemnation has been my portion for the last few months and I am awakening today with a new revelation of the love and mercy of my Savior. And I know that I am not alone in having these feelings. My heart is reminded through so many stories in the gospels where Jesus stepped out and reached the ones that no one else wanted; the screw ups, the broken and the forgotten. All for the sake of love.

Nearly everyday I was waking up feeling like a failure... like I had ruined my entire calling because of one stupid decision. I was terrified and broken. Yet there He was running from the ninety-nine to grab the one. And like the woman caught in her sin, I saw the stones lying on the ground with no accuser to be found... and my heart beat with joy when I felt the love of Jesus shining through all of my mistakes. There I was standing before the throne of grace clothed once more in white garments. I am overjoyed.

Surely I love His leadership. He restores ALL things! Psalm 23:2 He leads me beside still waters, He restores my soul.

I believe that the main ploy of the enemy would be to get us to believe that we are used up and washed out. His main purpose on this earth after all is to steal, kill and destroy, right? There is a righteous indignation that I can feel arising from my spirit against the time and emotions that the devil has stolen from me. I can no longer lie on my back and watch as he runs rampant in my life, and those that I love. Today I woke up with a commitment on my heart to forever engage in combat against the one that seeks to destroy me. I will fight. This realization isn't exactly something that I've ever heard in a sermon, but rather it is something that one can only learn if they have to walk through the trials and tribulations that produce character.

If I could say one thing to anyone that is going through a period of restoration, it would be that you keep seeking His face through the difficulties. You may feel like you have been crumpled up and thrown away, but God has a specialty and that is taking those that the world would deem not fit for ministry, and use them far beyond their wildest dreams and imaginations! I have not stepped into the fullness of my destiny yet, but I believe that God in His restorative power and grace can bring me farther than I could have ever thought of in the past. Until then, my heart burns with the burden of the Lord. And I know that in seeking His face I will see the fullness of my dreams come to fruition.

There is hope.

Lovesick.

2011-04-25T09:49:00.000-07:00

My heart has been captivated by a love so strong and so pure, and it seems that as time goes by the intensity of this love only continues to grow. I am ruined forever... a lovesick one. By the world's standard I should have to do something in order for the love to continue growing, and that I should be in some way cultivating this love within my own means, but today I've had a powerful realization. If I never did a great deed ever again, this love would still continue to grow. Wow.

You see it's not because I'm in love with any man... but rather I'm in love with the Man! The One that peers over the balcony of heaven, and is ravished by just merely one glance of my eye. His heart beats in tune with mine, and I am certain that every thing that holds my gaze here on this earth, was placed by His loving hands to ensure that I would daily fall more in love with Him.

He is the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords. Some call him the Prince of Peace. Others call him a prophet, and some just a Nazarene. Not only is he all of the above to me, but he's also my Jesus. My bridegroom waiting for my arrival to the wedding, best friend and brother. He is my beauty, my redemption and my hope. Greater hope do I have now that I've found this greater love! Oh nothing can compare!

I am the rose, I am the lily. I am Your's, I'm Your beauty!

Over the last few years I have been enraptured in the thought of Jesus being the one that I love more than even my own life. I have scarcely understood the reality of those thoughts, and that He desires my whole affections. But there has been a great revelation that has taken place within my soul... he desires my LOVE and my love alone! He desires my being and my every dream. It is within this revelation that I have realized that when I pour out my all for my Jesus, he then in return, pours his all over me. He is taking care of every dream he's spoken into my spirit, and he will not let those promises fall to the ground. His promises really are yes and amen!

I believe with my whole heart that what Jesus has shown me is not just for me, but I believe that He desires that His bride would come into a revelation of his love and his steadfastness. What if every person in the body had an encounter with the very real love of God? And what if from there we went on to impact the world in anticipation of our Bridegroom's return? I know that everything would have to change, everything would be different.

Our love for the man Christ Jesus and knowledge of His great love will cause a great whirl-wind to sweep nations.

Abba, would you release wisdom and revelation over every person that is in your body. That they would understand the length, width, height and depth of your great love, and from that place they would step out into their sphere of influence to change the world. Jesus, I ask that you would take up your sons and daughters to show them your love and compassion over them. I ask for dreams and visions and for a great movement of love to sweep America and the world. Abba, will you awaken hearts... awaken minds, and send forth a tidal wave of love! In your Son's precious name. Amen.

Without love.

2011-03-14T11:24:00.000-07:00

What do you do?

I am so certain that we, as a church, are in a moment of dire calamity. It seems as though everywhere I look there is death and destruction. Ministry is no longer a show from a stage in a building, but rather a case of life and death... and unless we are awoken to the state of affairs we will miss out on the great opportunities that have been placed before us. There is a great plague that is killing off the children of God... and instead of being enraptured by the love of the Father, they are entangled in sin. And dying.

The last year of my life has been in witness of the fact that things have become drastic. Or maybe they've always been drastic, and my eyes were not yet open to that truth. As my feet have tread upon waters of uncertainty I have become brokenhearted as I've realized that I am the one that carries truth, and yet have kept it within the confines of my heart. Herein lies the greatest revelation... if He's in you, you've got to let Him out.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

There has been a spurring of my heart towards these convictions and I would like to pay tribute to someone that I never met, and yet my life has been impacted by her life so greatly. Her name is Tam, and for a long time she was just a Facebook friend to Jen that I heard about occasionally, but as time went on she became a sister that I felt ever so kindred to. And although I never once got to see her face, hug her neck or even speak with her, I feel as though I knew her quite well. Her fight was short, yet not in vain... and I can honestly say that she impacted my life forever.

Tam went to meet Jesus today and to see her baby Levi and Carrie again. I am torn by great joy and deep sorrow because I understand the contrast and fragility of life in this moment. She may have only been given months with Jesus here on this earth, but she has stepped into eternity with her savior. The beauty of imagining that moment alone is so precious for me... to imagine her seeing Jesus for the first time, and feeling his tangible love for the first moments... how powerful. She may have not had the opportunity to really feel the love of God here on this earth, but I know for sure that she is being ravished by His amazing love right now.

I am looking forward to the moment when I will be able to sit near her in heaven, and tell her the impact that she had on my life.

Girls like Tam are my motivation for ministry... lives that were once in disarray and yet God came in and changed everything. Just as in the book of Ruth, I watched as Tam and Jen were a modern day Ruth and Naomi. These girls are just looking for someone that they can follow, and for someone who carries the love of “your God”. The simplest, yet most complex emotion on the face of the earth is the one that pulls them out of the depths of depravity and into life every time, and I know that lives like her's are so fragile... and if there is one there are thousands more. We must take up the same ministry that Jesus himself carried... to seek and save that which is lost.

If we have not love, we have nothing at all.

For such a time as this.

2011-03-02T15:20:00.000-08:00

As I sit here on my last night in the Big Apple I am struck by a thought that I believe, could change everything. As long as we understand that we have the power to change the world but never do it, our circumstances will forever remain the same.

This week in New York City has been eye-opening and awe-inspiring to say the very least. Standing before men and women at the United Nations has made me realize that there are so many out there that desire change, and have great ideas to see great change, but yet we are still seeking the same answers year after year. After all this was the 55th Commission on the Status of Women thus far. If we had great ideas to change the world in which we live then I do believe we would not need 55 yearly conferences on the status of women in the world around us. This week I listened as men and women from around the world presented ideas on how to make our world a better place, and yet I was slightly confused as to why nothing had yet changed.

I suppose therefore lies the truth of the matter... only the power of God can ultimately change the world around us, and until the church is awakened to this truth nothing that we have desired to see will take place. God we need you to change us so we can change the world! A simple prayer to a most complex problem...

So... from the beginning.

Arriving in New York City I couldn't quite get over the fact that I had been brought to the very place that I had been dreaming about since I was a child, and not only were my dreams fulfilled, but the Lord had brought me forth as a voice to speak on behalf of those that could not speak. Initially I dealt with a lot of fear and feelings of inadequacy as I tried figure out, in my flesh, the plan that God had for me over the week that I would be in New York City. But as I sought after His heart for the nations of the world, I realized that never in my own adequacy would I be able to speak on behalf of the many voiceless throughout my generation and the nations of the world. A journey that would spark change in my life was about to begin.

As our team got together to pray we were asking God for such divine moments, and strategic plans to take down the enemy in such a high sphere of influence. From the first time I entered into the United Nations God was giving me incredible divine appointments, and I couldn't quite grasp who He brought me into contact with. I was speaking instantly with delegates and ambassadors from over nearly 50 nations of the earth, and not only was I speaking with them, but we were brainstorming over the magnitude of violence against women and children in their nations (i.e. trafficking and abortion)... in those moments we were coming together with like minds trying to figure out a solution to the many problems that are plaguing our world today. Of course there were those that were not so like-minded, but God was so intentional in who He set me up with over the week. Our team together was set on a path for influence... God was taking “nobody's” to “somebody's” in merely moments.

Collectively our team was able to come before ambassadors, delegates and NGO's with a workshop that would inform those attending on the real horrors of Sex Trafficking and the world of pornography. To see the faces of those attending the workshops I realized that they were being made aware of the depravity of the world that we are living in today. Reality was sinking in deeply as our panelists shared the incredible wealth of knowledge that they had on the subjects at hand, and I was praying that now that there was a realization of the problem maybe there would come a great responsibility to fix the issues that we were presenting. Holy Spirit was using our words as a loud speaker to rouse the ears of a deaf world. And they were listening...

Not only were we able to present on bringing life and liberation from bondage, but we were also able to sit in on other NGO led sessions to hear their agenda for bringing world wide change. As I attended the other sessions (apprehensively, I must add) I watched as the presenters were full of a passion much like mine... whether they were on the other side of the fence or not, I realized that there was no longer a “us” and “them” mentality ruling my mind. Here we encountered men and women who very much believed with all their hearts the different agendas that they were standing for. There was a passion to see change that transcended all of the issues and no matter what you stood for, you were there because you wished to see great change take place in the world, whether that change was right or not. I understood in these moments the importance of biblical world views and the blue print for a biblical run government. Passion without a God sent vision will always send the people into confusion and disarray. I have come to a great understanding that desire fueled by everything but God will bring you to a place of frustration and emptiness every time. Hence the great number of Commissions on the Status of Women. It is time for the bride, His church, to awaken with great passion to see change take place in our governments all over the world. Now is our Esther moment.

My prayer after leaving New York is that we would come together as a body to see biblical examples come forth in the governments of the world around us, and that together we would arise as a generation of righteous, holy saints with a great desire to see the Kingdom of Heaven manifest on the earth. I believe with my entire heart that God is calling us as voices to speak on behalf of those that cannot speak... and even more that He is extending His scepter for us to come before Kings and Judges to proclaim freedom to the captives. Our voices will be heard, and God will come forth in righteousness and judgment... He's just waiting for us to speak.

Love that knows no bounds.

2010-10-28T20:57:00.000-07:00

I heard Heidi Baker once say that love looks like something. If you’re thirsty, love looks like building a well to get a drink. If you’re hungry, love looks like providing food to eat. In moments of dire calamity, love looks like meeting a need. When we left Dallas for Toronto that was our mission, just to love. When you are alone in a city grieving the death of your baby, love looks like flying across the continent to be with a hurting girl. That is where our story begins.

Arriving in Toronto I had no idea what was going to be in store for Jen and I as our feet hit the ground off of that airplane. I had no idea that God was sending me there so He could speak to me… and that He was sending me there to show me how to love like His son, Jesus did. I was in store for the most intense week of my life to this point. All I knew was that I was here with Jen on a mission to rescue a young woman, named Tam that she had been ministering to for nearly a year prior to this point. As far as I was concerned I was going with Jen to make sure that she didn’t get hurt or lost… I had no idea that I was going to fall in love. Our first day was like a scavenger hunt… the young woman that we had come there to help was in great distress, and despite all of our tries at communication we could not reach her. All we knew was that she had a baby boy in a hospital somewhere in downtown Toronto… it wasn’t until we got there that we were informed of the 10 or more hospitals in the immediate downtown area. Our intention for that day was then to walk from hospital to hospital asking for a little baby, that we didn’t know a whole lot about. It was at the first hospital that we learned that the little baby boy that had been sick and struggling for some time had passed away almost immediately after our plane had landed in Toronto the previous night. I was beginning to grasp the importance of our arrival at this point… Tam needed Jen now more than ever. I knew that she had to feel like she was tangled in a web of chaos and had no idea how to get out. My heart broke for this young woman instantly.

Jen and I left the hospital and I knew that Jen had to have felt so deflated and defeated to come to another country to be there for someone and find out that the baby had passed away and now the mother was nowhere to be found. It was one of those moments when you think that nothing else could get much worse, and then it does. Jen, despite the failed attempts at communication stayed steadfast in her pursuit of this young woman, knowing full well that the pursuit was not her own, but the Father’s. I was watching something transpire in the next few days with Jen that I had been willfully blind to for nearly a year… and my ignorance had kept my heart so blinded by the reality of love and the life changing properties it carries.

Over the next few days it was like an emotional rollercoaster and game of cat and mouse as we would get into contact with Tam with hopes of meeting up, and yet she was never following through. There were moments where Jen was literally yards and feet away from her and still she could not look into her eyes and convey the love that she had for her. I was confused and almost mad at God at times because I thought “well aren’t we praying hard enough… or maybe the intercessors need to pray harder.” I figured, and maybe in ignorance, that just because we hopped on that plane to Toronto that she would have to meet us… that somehow God would see our obedience and command Tam’s steps to us. Yet it never happened, day after day. I could not comprehend how you could have someone that loved you literally around the corner at times and how you wouldn’t want to see that person, look into their eyes and see and feel love… rather than just hearing or reading the words of a long distance relationship. Love had literally jumped a plane in matter of hours to meet the needs of a broken girl… and yet it stopped at the end of a phone call every time.

The days were dwindling down before we had to go home and instead of lying around a hotel wishing for a phone call we decided to just go get in God’s presence and feel His heart on the situation at one of the local churches in the city. Sometimes I laugh at how God works, and this night He truly transformed my heart forever. Earlier that day I had been sitting with Jen in the hotel room and I was listening to her heart so full of love convey to me that she couldn’t do it any longer and that she was done with ministry… that this had been too much. I will never forget sitting on that hotel bed across from her and feeling not the same pain, but the pain of misunderstanding because I could not understand why one of the strongest people I know was hurting so badly. As we cried together in that room I realized the cost of love… I realized that the pain at times is much more than one can bear, and there is a world out there that has no idea what this love looks like so the only reaction it has is to reject it. Just like Jesus was rejected. So we go to church that night expecting to just hear God, and not much more than that. Little did we know that God was about to affirm the calling on both of our lives. Without knowing who the speaker was until the last minute we decided to go to this church… it wasn’t until merely hours before that Heidi Baker would be speaking that night at a conference. Heidi Baker is one of Jen’s heroes in the faith, and it seemed to her and I both that this was just a little gift from God for what we had experienced so far that week.

Heidi’s message that night was all about the call… and how we have to keep the dreams alive and carry the heart of the Father to the broken and the needy. It was like God had taken every word that Jen had said on the bed in the hotel and spit them out of Heidi’s mouth just to tell her that she couldn’t walk away from the calling on her life… it was her life. Both Jen and I had radical God encounters that night and we realized that there was a reason and a purpose for everything that had transpired thus far in the week. He had us on an assignment, and He knew exactly what was happening and He knew how defeated Jen felt because she still hadn’t been able to see this young woman or be able to just hold her in her arms and show her what true love is. God foreknew every plan, and the steps of His righteous He had ordered beforehand.

God was providing, even if we couldn’t see it. Through going to the service that Friday night we got connected with so many awesome people from Toronto, and they were truly God divine connections. After meeting one woman in particular named Veronique, who is the head of Bound For Life Toronto and volunteers at the Pregnancy Crisis center, Jen got the opportunity to speak at one of the campus churches for the church that we had visited on Friday. It was truly a door swinging wide open for her to share her story, and what God was doing through her to transform our city in Dallas and around the world. Jen and I both figured that this would be the last assignment that God would have us on, and we would be leaving Toronto without getting to see anyone that we had originally come there for. It was disheartening, but we knew that our steps had been ordered by God.

We had arrived at the church and were in the middle of worship when Jen looks behind me and says that she knows there is a girl there who works in the industry… I had no idea how she knew this, but I have also learned to just trust Jen. Jen goes and runs outside to see who she is, and if it was Tam whom we had come there searching for. After going outside to talk to her she realized that it wasn’t Tam, but the young woman wouldn’t talk to her… or even look her in the eyes for that matter. After a few attempted tries at other women trying to talk to her, we couldn’t get anywhere with her, we just knew she was there for a reason. I decided that I would try and go outside to talk to her to see if maybe I could get her name… or at least if she knew Tam, our original reason for coming to Toronto. I went outside almost terrified to talk to her, but I knew that God had sent her there for a very specific reason. All I could speak and convey to her was that Jen loved her very much, and that God had sent her to that church for a reason. I found out that her name is Tabitha and she had come to meet up with Tam and hear Jen speak. I realized that in this moment the love of God was already compelling this young woman closer to Himself, even if her eyes were then blinded to the reality. Tabitha agreed to come into the church with me, and little did I know that this was the beginning of a day that would truly change my life just because of this young woman’s decision to come to a church one Sunday to hear a woman speak that she had never met before, and in fact hated not many days earlier. She wouldn’t open up at much first, but I watched as she eased up the more time she spent with in sitting in the back of church that morning. Tabitha had told me from the beginning that she was going to run out at any time and that if she did I shouldn’t follow her, and all I could do was tell her that I wouldn’t go after her, but I also suggested that it would be so much better for her if she stayed and talked to Jen and got to listen to her heart. To Jen and I’s surprise, she stayed. We got to invite her out to lunch and just spend the day with her before our plane left that evening and just before we were going to leave Tam had agreed to meet up with Jen, Tabitha and myself for coffee… it was as though God had kissed the last day of our trip.

As we were having coffee with Tabitha and waiting for Tam to arrive we got a phone call that on her way to the airport she had blown a red light to get to see Jen faster and she ended up getting arrested for possession. It was like a dead weight had been thrown into the middle of everything… I remember distinctly thinking that Jen must have felt as low to the ground as possible. Oh, to love someone with all your heart and truly never get to see them. The reality of the severity of the things these girls struggle within the Sex Industry was becoming clear to me… everything is fragile because of the sin that entangles them. All we could do now was convey the love that we had for Tabitha one last time before we left and get back on the plane for Dallas with our heads held high so that the people back home didn’t think we were entirely crazy for coming here for what looked like no point.
Jen and I walked through those gates just 5 minutes too late and we ended up missing our flight, and in that moment every bit of my flesh came out and I exploded in emotion that I had been holding in for the last 5 days. So there Jen and I were at the gate crying so hard at the prospect of staying in Toronto one more night, it was as though our bodies couldn’t handle even another night in that city. Thank God for Jen in that moment… if I were alone I do believe that I would have had a mental breakdown. Immediately we got our flights fixed for the next morning and Jen had turned it around with full knowledge that God had kept us there for another night for a reason. Sure enough He had more than we had ever imagined in store for us that night.

After checking into our hotel we decided to invite Tabitha back to our hotel and see if she just wanted to hang out with us and have a girl’s night. I had already felt like God had blessed enough with a whole day with her, and I was expecting anything to happen that night. Jen and I both knew that Tabitha had to work at the club that night, and it was rare that a girl would miss a night at work because of the consequences that could take place. Tabitha surprised us both and decided to come hang out with us again. After hiding from her driver that came to pick her up at night to take her to the club, she caught a cab to our hotel. My heart jumped when I heard her knock on that door because I knew that God was certainly up to something, and He wanted to share something with His princess that night.

Tabitha walked into our room sheepishly with a bag full of goodies and some coffee joking that she never brought coffee, food and candy to a hotel, but rather only drugs. I was watching as she was being allowed to just be safe for probably the first time in her life. We expected nothing of her there in that hotel room… we just wanted to love her. For 6 hours that night we sat and talked about everything from each of our pasts, to abortion and to reading the Word over this young woman that had never heard it before. The atmosphere in that room that night was one of security and peace, and I could watch as Tabitha was being transformed by the way that one person could love her so purely, even if she didn’t understand what was going on in that room. We were offering her something more addicting than any drug she would ever try. The imagery alone of this young woman sitting in our room that night was so perfect to how I imagined she had felt. There she sat sitting in a chair with her feet hanging over the side, and although she was dressed very much so like a woman, on her feet were polka dotted socks, and I couldn’t help but imagine that this was a picture of how she was every day of her life. On the outside there was a woman who was used to using her body to earn money, and on the inside there was a young girl that never got the chance to be loved, or to enjoy life. As Jen and I were about to leave Tabitha told us that she had never felt that way before… that no one had ever sat in a room and just let her be herself for as long as we did. It was eye opening to me that every other day out of the year and the years previous to this moment, she never got to be herself. I was now aware how much love could change the heart of someone who was broken and missing one of the greatest gifts in life.

We left that next morning realizing that God had kept us there in Toronto that night for Tabitha, and despite the week’s events leading up to that point, everything had been worth it. I learned that you take one girl, treat her like she’s the only person in the world that matters to you, pour out your heart and love without expectations, and everything changes in an instant. Every young woman wants to feel like a princess and when you actually treat her like one her whole heart opens to the possibility of the fairy tale actually coming true.

To find a friend... to be a friend.

2010-09-08T22:16:00.000-07:00

In my Christian walk I have learned something very unfortunate as of late; it is increasingly difficult to find someone in life that will walk beside you (as a friend) and be 100% completely honest in who they are.

I wonder what it was like for Jesus when he was looking those that he would call disciples, and even friends. There was something that he saw in the twelve (even Judas) that led him to believe he could trust them in their character and integrity. Yes, I realize that you might be thinking that I'm crazy for including Judas in that group, but he also walked with Jesus side by side for 3 years before he decided to turn his back on someone that he knew so well, and likewise. It is even harder in these days to find a friend that will stick around for 3 years, let alone 6 months. I wonder what it would be like to be in Jesus' shoes... looking into the eyes of his best friend John... who was THE BELOVED disciple, and say to him, "I have to go, my time here is through... I love you, and I'm going to die for you." Yes, I understood that Jesus died for the redemption of ALL mankind... but imagine John's perspective here in this moment, his BEST friend is choosing to give his life for him. Wow.

My heart is reaching out for some understanding here. I can't begin to comprehend how people can let go, or even forsake relationships in their lives. I have watched quietly as people have walked in... and just as easily walked out. In my attempt to understand this I am left empty and without answers. I honestly know the biblical perspective that there are people for a time and season that walk into your life, and are meant to be there for that long, but I am wondering... aren't there lifelong friends out there? Those that would even take it to the grave? In my heart of hearts I am crying out for Godly fellowship, and I have my one... or two at the least, but I know that there is more. Maybe the more is the relationship that I will find in my future husband... but I am desiring TRUE, REAL relationships now. Fellowship that brings life, not heartache.

I suppose that this all comes back to my thoughts on love... I am supposed to be the walking representation of Jesus on this earth, and if Jesus was fully man and fully God, then he was fully love. I do not know what it's like NOT to love people... I can, not like someone with all my might, but I know that even in my heart I still love them. I do not know how to do it otherwise. Love COVERS all... even all the dislike and feelings of hurt and pain. I am confused... I guess in my naivety, why people would choose tolerance over love. Tolerance says "I'll deal with you here"... love says "I love you too much to leave you here." Jesus, looking down from heaven, said "I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH TO LEAVE YOU HERE!!" So he left heaven. Why is it so hard as Christians to show the same love here on this earth.

Can't you see that I love you too much to leave you here?

Jesus, I'm after YOUR heart. Help me find the answers.