Vera Ikeji

Apple iTit and the Dentist joke

2012-01-12T02:37:00.001+01:00

Apple iTit

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that is not only safe, but can store and play music as well.

The iTit will cost from $700 - $900, depending on cup and speaker size.

This is considered to be a major social breakthrough, as women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.... Lmao!
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A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two mates sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb.

I just want you to pull the tooth and be done with it!
We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, love, and show him."

Lol.

fake scratch off tickets

2011-12-26T01:38:00.000+01:00

I was ecstatic until it dawned on me that it could be fake, lol.

Doing the WOP

2011-12-13T05:37:00.000+01:00

Laugh out loud

2011-11-27T06:08:00.002+01:00

Why do men fart more than women?

Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure. Classic! Lmbo!!
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A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

"Oh My God! Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover, "and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!"
"I can’t jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "I’m n...aked and it’s raining cats and dogs."
"If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!" she replied. "He’s got a very quick temper and a shotgun!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon. So he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. It wasn’t that effective!

After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh, yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you’re running."
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes!" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Only when it’s raining," he replied.

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A man takes his wife to the live stock show. They start heading down the alley that house all the bulls. The sign on the first bull’s stall states: This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn’t that nice!"

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and say...s, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"

They precede to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife’s mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year.That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if he had to fuck the same cow every day."
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An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two children. She walks around the shop, picks what she wants and goes to the counter to pay.

The man behind the counter can’t help but stare at this really offensive looking woman with her two children.

She puts her shopping on the counter and as the man is scanning the items the ugly woman gets all offended by his constant staring and asks him what he i...s staring at.

The man asks whether her kids are twins.

She says "No. one is 12 the other is 7. Why ask?"

"Well......I just couldn’t believe someone would fuck you twice!"
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A man appears before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I picked out the largest a...nd most heavily tattooed biker, punched him on the nose, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, then told him, "Now, leave her alone or things are really going to get really ugly!"

St. Peter was impressed and asked "When did this happen?"

"About ten minutes ago."
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A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

A priest had been observing the man’s sorry progress and figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence.

Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"

"I dunno," came the drunk’s voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"
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A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what’s wrong. Through his tears the old man answers,
"I’m in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."
"What’s wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don’t understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime she comes home and ...we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. "I don’t understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"

The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

Old ladies

2011-11-18T20:36:00.000+01:00

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."

So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said,
"No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like sh!t."

The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."

More jokes

2011-09-22T00:31:00.001+01:00

‎72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back normal so the doctor says, "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs. White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"
"OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs. White exclaims, "He's peeing in the fridge again!"
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A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?" The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You asshole, I'm drowning."
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Old joke:
Husband and wife are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while they were in bed. She turned to him and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," he answered.
She then said, "Is that your final answer?"
He didn't even look at her this time, simply saying "Yes."
So she said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend.
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A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" she asks. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband. The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten bastard", she screams, "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!"
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Dad and his 8 year old son walk by a condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?""Condoms.""Oh,why are there 3 in this package?"The Dad replies,"For high school boys, 1 for Friday, 1 for Saturday and 1 for Sunday" "Cool". He sees a 6 pk and asks, "Then who are these for?" "For college men,2 for Friday, 2 for Saturday and 2 for Sunday." "Then who uses these?" he asks about a 12 pk. With a sigh, the Dad replied, "They are for married men, 1 for January, 1 for February..."
Hahahahahaha...

Jokes

2011-09-16T03:46:00.001+01:00

Two wives go out for girls night.
Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties the other grabbed a wreath off a grave.
The next morning one husband called the other and said "no more girls night out! my wife came back with no panties." the other husband said "you think that's bad? mine came back with a card in her butt that read 'from all of us at the fire station- we'll never forget you.
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A retired man goes to the social security office to apply for SS.
The clerk asks him for his identification but he forgot it at home. The clerk says, "Unbutton your shirt."
The man thought the clerk's request was a bit odd but he unbuttoned anyway.
The clerk says, "Ok you're approved. The white hairs on your chest are enough proof for me." The man returns home and tells his wife about his experience.
The wife says, "You should've dropped your pants. You would've gotten disability too"
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‎2 kids in a hospital outside the operating room, 1st kid asks, "What are you in here for?" 2nd kid says, "getting my tonsils out, I'm a little nervous. 1st kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was 4. They put you to sleep, when you wake up they give you ice cream. " 2nd kid asks, "What are you here for?"1st kid says, "circumcision." "Whoa!", the 2nd kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!
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A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "BITCH!!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve, he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.

MORAL OF THE STORY: If only men would listen..

Wobble line dance

2011-09-14T21:27:00.000+01:00

Ed the chicken

2011-09-14T21:17:00.002+01:00

Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'

Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ed.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....

"Ed, wake up! You crapped in the bed!"

Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!

2011-05-16T02:12:00.002+01:00

Waka Flocka Flame - Grove St. Party ( Official Lyric Video )

2011-04-02T05:31:00.000+01:00

Nate Dogg dead

2011-03-16T07:25:00.003+01:00

Wow! I cant believe the famous rapper is DEAD! I know he suffered a stroke in December but thought he was fully recovered.

I actually Hope this is on of those stupid rumors they carry in the press if it's not..

May his soul RIP...Amen!

Nate Dogg: August 19, 1969 - March 15, 2011

Queen of vagina on youtube

2011-03-09T02:55:00.003+01:00

I am 100% sure this woman is Nigerian and is from the Eastern part. I am guessing she is Ibo, from her accent.
She is "promiskiosk" and wants a "pinis" in her wet wet vaga vaga,oooooooooo..lmbao. She is so hilariously dumb but I guess some people would do anything for cheap publicity.
LWKMD for here, lol.

Oshadipe Twins

2011-01-29T02:40:00.000+01:00

They are both grown and looking pweety indeed! Enjoy this song.

Arizona shooting: Rep. Gabrielle Giffords hit at meeting with constituents

2011-01-09T23:06:00.001+01:00

I don't know what business a 22 year old has messing with a gun. Most boys his age are either in College trying to become useful to themselves and the society at large or chasing girls and partying! I am not going to talk about him cos he is nothing but if you want to read about the dumb-ass, check out the link below.
Arizona shooting: Rep. Gabrielle Giffords hit at meeting with constituents

I dont know what this country is turning into...ehn!

First, the body of a former Army officer Mr John Wheeler, 66, who was a former presidential and Pentagon aide under the Reagan and George H.W. Bush administrations was discovered on New Year's Eve in a landfill. His body was discovered on New Year's Eve as a garbage truck emptied its contents at the Cherry Island landfill in Delaware. His death was initially ruled a homicide but that opinion may change soon.
In one of the surveillance videos he was seen at parking garage two days earlier, looking disoriented. He wasn't wearing a coat and was carrying one shoe. He walked up to one of the garage assistants and asked her if he could get warm in her booth cos he was cold. She let him in and asked him where his car was..he said he couldn't remember where he packed it. She asked him if he had the keys to his car, he said they were in his briefcase which had been stolen from him. She said it looked like somebody had done something to him from the way he looked.

The next night, Dec. 30, Wheeler was seen at another building in Wilmington, dressed in different clothes and again looking confused.

Police say somehow, Wheeler's body ended up in a dumpster 15 miles away.

Mr Wheeler, who currently worked as a government defence consultant, was a Vietnam war veteran and according to people who knew him, he always had his wits around him. So why he looked disoriented in that surveillance footage still baffles a lot of people.

And now you have this stupid boy shooting the US Congresswoman. The good thing is that she is still alive albeit fighting for her life, the bad thing is that 6 people including the congress woman's aide, a Federal Judge and a 9 year old girl were killed.

Homeless man w/golden radio voice in Columbus, OH (Update-FINAL)

2011-01-05T19:59:00.004+01:00

God has really blessed this man! He was just at the right place at the right time when this reporter showed up! Everyone deserves a second chance and I'm glad he got his.
Enjoy!

Now this is how he looks! He got a job with the NBA team. GOD is good!

1-1-11

2011-01-01T05:24:00.002+01:00

It's the beginning of a new year and beginning of many goodies in 2011.

May we keep our New year resolutions for more than 1 day and may this year be a year of happiness and joy to EVERYONE!

Happy New Year people!!!

Keenan Cahill and 50 cent Down on me

2010-12-24T04:39:00.003+01:00

I have been listening to this song for the past 5 weeks, I even hear it in my sleep, lol. 50 cent is VERY popular dont get me wrong,but Keenan made this song popular. Very few people had heard the song before Keenan did his youtube video of it. He even has more hits on his video than the original by 50 Cent and Jeremiah, lol.

Also watched him on Chelsea Handler's show, he is 15, single and such a cutie, lol.

Enjoy!

Oh did I metnion it's my phone ringtone and my alarm tone, lol.

Laura Ikeji Fitness Instructor

2010-12-14T06:06:00.007+01:00

My younger sister- Laura Ikeji is a dance and fitness instructor. She's moved her dance and aerobics classes to a new fitness centre - Fitness Options Health Centre. Fitness Options Health Centre is located at 18, Ahmed Jimoh Street, off Ekololu street, Surulere. Lagos.

Laura's dance and fitness classes take place three times a week and registration is N8,000 per month.

For contact details call Laura on- 08025862471.
Email add: ikejilaura@gmail.com or follow her on twitter.com/lauraikeji or add her on facebook: facebook.com/lauraikeji

Ufeoma Ejenobor's alleged assault

2010-11-16T00:22:00.001+01:00

Some weeks back, I heard that Nollywood actress, Ufuoma Ejeanobor was attacked by Lagos state House of Assembly men.I felt sorry for her until I watched this video.

Haba! The Deputy Commissioner of Police tried calming her down yet she refused to lisen, wetin happen!!!
Even if your Dad was the President of the world wouldnt you listen to an older person with authority??? The guy kept trying to calm her down yet she kept acting like an Agbero. Na wa o! ..and she is supposed to be a celebrity/role model???? I bow o!

On second thoughts

2010-11-15T16:47:00.002+01:00

Recently I received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL!!!

Brand new magazine launches into Nigerian fashion space

2010-10-06T15:15:00.002+01:00

Mannequin Magazine, the novel editorial fashion magazine for women has hit the streets of Lagos bringing with it an edge – one of style, fashion, entertainment and exposure.

Having a strong fashion background from working with reputable fashion giants, the likes of GAP, Topshop, Bank and Republic, in organizing fashion shows as well as its vast experience with stylists and photographers in the industry, Mannequin aims to set a different kind of standard in Nigerian fashion editorials.

With its slogan – ‘Dream It. Change It. Work It’, Mannequin believes in the empowerment and perfection of women with fashion being a major part. The magazine’s intention is to guide readers accordingly, updating them with the latest trends and news, offering inspiration and encouraging growth in almost all spheres of their lives. Mannequin’s belief is that fashion is not just in the clothes a woman wears but how they are worn, how she carries herself and how she lives.

Mannequin Magazine boasts of being Nigeria's first real fashion magazine and aims to be the ultimate African fashion bible. In order to do this, the magazine comes in a handy size, which fits right into a handbag and comes out monthly.

Having been present in the Nigerian online blogging and web space for over a year, the magazine’s website has a daily traffic of over 230,000 hits.

The first, “Nouveau” issue launched on October 1st, 2010 with Miss Nigeria, Cynthia Omorodion, Studio 53 Extra’s Eku Edewor and female rap artist Mo'Cheddah on the cover. These women are the new power figures in their various fields, modeling, fashion and television and music respectively. The official launch is billed to take place on the October 10, 2010, (10.10.10) at an exclusive venue in the high-brow area of Victoria Island, Lagos.

Mannequin Magazine costs N700 and is available throughout Lagos with plans of reaching other states in Nigeria within a few months. The web address is www.mannequin-magazine.com

Prank of the week

2010-09-03T17:00:00.000+01:00

I know this might be old, but it is very very funny.

CATHOLIC COFFEE

2010-09-01T22:36:00.001+01:00

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he
walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a
room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a
room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks
into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four
men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,

slim,

tall,

38D breast,

24" waist and

34" hips.

When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

Rugby fanatic or what?

2010-08-22T21:58:00.002+01:00

Man said to wife

"Right you sexy thing, upstairs now"

She looked at him and said:

"Ooh, you kinky bastard"

He said "No, seriously, the rugby's starting, now f*#k off'

Exceptional moment, lol. ROTFLMAO!!!