Kat's World

My way or the highway!

2012-02-16T05:13:00.000-08:00

I am currently living in the midst of a hurricane; but I am okay.

Being able to acknowledge that life is somewhat chaotic and out of control, yet still keep clear on reality is a MAJOR accomplishment. I tend to get wrapped up in other peoples drama. Not this time though.

This is the part where I would impart undo to you the wordy explanation as to why life is hurricane-esque and why it is significant that I am not contemplating jumping off the high bridge. However it really isn't all that special. I just needed to take a minute, channel my inner Buddhist and acknowledge the truth.

The truth is my life is just fine. Every aspect of my life is secure and in a happy, good place. The hurricane that is trying to suck me in, is related to someone else, and I can CHOOSE to NOT deal with it. I am not bound by any measure to expose myself to all of the misery of the storm that is brewing.

So there! HA HA! Once again I reign supreme at keeping control and perspective. Oh I would certainly venture in to help but....I'm alot like Robert Irvine. I come in, tell you how YOU created the mess you're in. Then I build my argument by pointing out with HD clarity each and every point where you have failed. Then rub your nose in it, and shame you for being such an idiot. Then just when I get you to the point where you fee like a complete and utter failure, I grudgingly agree to help you, if you agree to do things my way.

Comply = problems fixed = life good.

Noncompliance = I wash my hands of you and cast you out to wallow in the mess you made.

I find this warm and gentle approach fits my sweet and nurturing personality best.

Don't you?

Here kitty kitty...

2012-02-10T05:43:00.000-08:00

The captain of the fun team happens to be my co-pilot in life and he is also certain to the be the key to my demise. Oh sure, from time to time I manage to thwart his efforts to lure to me to the dark side. However that generally only happens if I have something that I absolutely MUST take care of. In all other instances, when he is ready for fun I can be found trodding right along after him.

He is my pied piper. Where he goes, I will follow. He is irresistible. Unfortunately, he knows it too. Oh, what is a gal to do. All it takes is a certain twinkle in his eye and a sly smile and I'm hooked. All thoughts of housework, homework, and office work are erased from my mind, and one more drink and one more song, one more dance, one more laugh are all brilliant ideas. Never mind that it could be 3:00 in the morning and I have to be up at 7:30 to get the kids to church on time. Sleep is not more important.

When the only time you have to really be fully present , engaged and lost in the moment with someone you truly love comes in the wee hours of the morning - seize the moment. Sleep when you are old and retired. When my pied piper says here kitty kitty, this little Kat will follow every time. So if I seem a little blurry eyed on a Sunday morning, just smile and give me some coffee because I probably spent the night dancing in the living room, with the captain of the fun team.

Shocked. Awed.

2012-02-03T04:36:00.000-08:00

Life has been interesting these past few months. I have learned that there is a monumental difference between undergrad and graduate studies. It is alot like Chopped. A perfectly grilled steak, with butterflied shrimp, delicately balanced with a roasted squash puree and balsamic dressed field greens salad, an undoubtedly a very good meal. It is satiating, robust, and flavorful. For some achieving this level of mastery in their cooking is difficult. But if you are a Chopped champion this meal is child's play.

If you are a Chopped champion the expectations for what you are going to deliver are equivalent to being able to make flavors explode in your mouth, with meals that look more like works of art than proteins, starches and vegetables. So that is what grad school is like. Your professors and classmates are all working under the assumption that you have mastered the steak and shrimp. They are expecting another level of flavor that brings depth and perspective that somehow manages to set fire to the original theory, by exploring one piece of the theory that shifts the entire composition of the dish.

Any life is interesting. I work. I study. I watch Chopped.

I see everything framed by the concept of contribution margins and demand curves. I am insatiable and find myself craving things that seem to be elusive to me; depth of understanding of economic theory and something braised with aioli sauce. (Aioli is a sauce right?)

Life is also interesting because well I have just seen the darndest things lately.

Shocked.

I watched a bouncer toss a kid out of a bar. The kid was obviously a student, 21 or 22. He was young, and alone, and drunk out of his mind. The bartender found him curled up on the floor of the men’s room out cold. He admitted he thought the kid was dead for a minute because it was so difficult to get the kid conscious. The bartender hoisted him up and tossed him out. I was shocked! Not because the kid was drunk and passed out. Not even because the kid was tossed out. I was shocked because no one seemed to be concerned that the kid was out of his mind drunk, he did not know where he was, he was alone, and he was tossed out onto the street in Murderapolis (sorry - old habits) Minneapolis without making sure he got put into a cab, or even the back of a squad would have been better. How many stories of drunken college kids wandering off never to be heard from again do we need to hear before we stop and act with compassion. I looked for him, but didn't find him. I drove around Minneapolis for a good amount of time trying to find him. But he was gone. I pray he made it home safe.

Awed.

I was walking into work one morning oblivious to the world around me. I was hurrying to get in the building because I was cold and the neighborhood isn't exactly the safest place to be wandering around alone. I stopped dead in my tracks a block away from my destination. A head of me I could see a person on their knees face pointing upwards, all alone. It looked like they were pleading with the sky. I walked slowly forward. It was a woman. It was cold that morning. She was there with her knees on the cement hands folded, praying fiercely. In the middle of a bustling city, on a cold morning in Minnesota a woman fell to the ground in prayer. I watched her in awe. Then I silently prayed to God to hear the woman and deliver what she needed.

Salty Cougar

2012-01-26T04:30:00.000-08:00

I am more than a bit cranky this week. There is no particular reason for my irritability either. Nope I am just salty. Sure there are contributing factors. I will say no more - lest I risk going from irritable to downright pissy. But truth be told all my little contributing crabby factors are really pretty little problems that would not exist if I wasn't blessed with such an amazing life. So it just seems wrong to even say them out loud. Plus it would make me sound pathetic.

What I will say is that one thing that is adding to my bad mood that is legitimate is that I have an intense craving for a cigarette at least 60% of my waking hours. I quit years ago! But here I am jonesin’ for a cancer stick. You remember my encounter with the sign holder the last time I tried to buy a pack? Well in case you forgot click here: http://katberggren.blogspot.com/2011/09/i-miss-smoking.html. Needless to say, I’m not about to try that again.

But really, what the hell Verdell? I am salty enough to cure a 100 pound ham right now!

One thing that isn't helping is my little one is getting ready for her first reconciliation this weekend. Therefore, I see a confessional in my future. (At our parish – one goes and the whole family has to go too.) Honestly I think that might be causing me some angst and adding to my less than sunny demeanor. In general I dislike having to admit my failures. Having to sit face to face with a priest and vocalize my sins makes my stomach turn. I do my best to be a good person, but I am not a saint and I make mistakes.

The biggest little issue though is that I am getting old. Hence the cougar reference. I am trying desperately to maintain, but each year it is getting harder and harder. Being surrounded by hundreds of 18-22 year old co-eds every single day is not good for my ego. I see girls walking through the halls with their tight little 20 something bodies, their bright eyes and shiny hair and then I catch my reflection in the sky way windows and I think – “who is that old lady?” I may act like a college kid at any given Redbull sponsored event, but it is getting increasingly difficult for me to blend with the college crowd. I recently found another gray hair and I bought a new scale that swears at me worse than my old car radio used to do. (Yes the Vibe had quite a little potty mouth on her before she was reprogrammed.) The scale flashes bold black digital numbers at me that I am having a difficult time accepting. Remember that my old scale had black fingernail polish so that I could not see the offensive specific number I just knew that it was within a range that I agreed to accept. This scale does not know how my scale rules work and mocks me going up and down, up and down.

This is of course the exact time when we would be invited to go to a water park with two other families. It would be so much fun for us all to go together. I love them dearly. HOWEVER…the other wives are not having the struggles I am one works out regularly – and you can tell, the other is thin and young. Blechkt! That means I am going to be forced to work out, dye my hair again and stop eating so many grapes and grains. So you have been warned. I am salty and the chances of this improving soon rely on the speed upon which I can drop 15 lbs and become a blond.

Calculations

2012-01-24T05:06:00.000-08:00

Good and worthy things take time to bring into reality. It takes commitment and diligent work until our work reaches a point of fruition. In the interim we are forced to make choices and sacrifices all in the hopes that when we reach our goals it will be worth all which we gave up along the way. We believe that what we will gain by the accomplishment will far exceed anything that we might have lost.

It equates to being little more than a game of chance. A highly calculated risk may be a better way to describe it, however the reality is in some cases it is just a matter of chance that everything we are trying to bring to life works out the way we plan. Since math has never really been my strong suit it worries me just a bit that my calculations could be off.

I am investing a huge amount of time, capital not to mention lost opportunity cost. However truth be told, there is a part of me that still hasn't fully decided what I want to be when I grow up. Plus I am pretty darn content with where I am at in life right now. So that struggle to get somewhere else is somewhat lackluster on my part. Never the less, I must also admit I am bored to near death right now. My classes are relatively easy (shhhhh don't tell anyone I said that), my kids are happy and healthy, my husband is my best friend (and not tough to look at either), my friends are the best in the world, and there is money in the bank. Sooo why on earth am I trying to make anything more difficult.

What if my numbers are off. It could mean that I have made this investment to get someplace that I don't really want to be. Is it worth the risk?

It's still a long way MLK

2012-01-19T11:57:00.000-08:00

Recently someone whom I considered a good friend spoke in a manner that shocked me. Her words fell like bricks against my eardrums and I was deeply offended. Yup that's right - I was OFFENDED. Do you know how far out of line you need to be to say or do something that I find offensive? I tried to listen to find out where her ignorant and hurtful words had been rooted. However, I was so distracted by her foul and repugnant statements that I lost any capacity to draw any deeper into the conversation. It has changed the way I see this person and I suddenly feel compelled to create distance between us. I fear that if I don't that she may spew her ignorant words in the company of someone else and they may make the horrendous assumption that I share her view.

But was it really that big of a deal? After all I have other friends that do and say stupid things all the time and it doesn't upset me like this did. So I sat there scratching my head trying to figure out what was upsetting me. Her statements were racist rounded out with a discriminatory perspective of people who hang on a rung lower than her on the socioeconomic ladder of life. Blechkt! Shut up! Shut up! In my head I screamed at her to shut up, pull her head out or her ass and see that in this world we live in there are people, good people, that are different than we are. Being poor isn't contagious and just because you are black doesn't mean that you come from a broken home or are in a gang. However I resisted saying anything close to that, and instead I let it simmer while I stewed over it. THAT was the worst thing for me to do. Because now I see this person, whom I believed to be a friend as an elitist and a racist.

Who describes a friend with such words?

Well now what do I do?

Mostly nothing.

OK stop choking. I know that normally I would endeavor into battle and beat it into oblivion. I would spiral into wordy rants and pontificate on the injustices that exist because of her and people like her. Oh normally I would go on and on and on. But for what purpose? The one and only thing I can do is take the opportunity to educate her when the moment is right. However that moment when she said those things was not the right time. I quietly, yet firmly stated why I saw what she feared as something to be embraced.

I left it at that and said nothing more about it. In the meantime I will continue to teach my daughters that each and every person on this earth regardless of the color of our skin or the amount of money in our pockets, all begin life in the same way and all end life the same way.

We are born. We are human. We live. We die.

We must never do unto others that which we would not do to ourselves.

MLK we still have a long way to go.

Remember when...

2012-01-12T12:23:00.000-08:00

Do you remember when you used to be spontaneous? Back when you were given the opportunity to just be able to do whatever you wanted that you leaped at the chance. Remember how much fun it was? There seems to be something inside me lately that is desperate to rekindle some of that energy, Oh I just bet it would be awesome! It seems like it was such a long time ago since the last time we did anything crazy or spontaneous.

Like the time we decided to go cliff diving.

WEEE!!! Splash! Ignore that a couple of us got caught in the river current and tangled up in some fishing lines. Ignore that they would need to be rescued by a boater. Instead focus on the memory of camping and swimming and all the fun we had. Ahh to be 18 again...

Or the time we decided to go skinny dipping.

Sneak, sneak, sneak into the water we all went. Ignore that once in the water we looked back to the beach and by the light of the moonlight discovered there were people on the beach. Ignore that we were now forced to waltz out of the water buck naked and soaking wet right in front of them to fetch our clothes. Instead focus on the fun we had that hot summer night and be thankful it wasn't a cop sitting there. Ahhh to be in our twenties again...

Or the time we decided to go snowmobiling through the park in the middle of the night.

Varoom! Zoom across the fields through the freshly fallen snow. Ignore that one of us had never driven a snowmobile before. Ignore that it was dark and we couldn't see very well. Instead focus on the memory of being hurled through the air and safely landing in the snow with no damage to the machine or our bones. Ahhh the nonsense of thirty somethings.

I think it might be time to off the cob webs and get out and do something fun! Perhaps, sneak past the Redbull security and scamper up the scaffolding and hurl myself down the Crashed Ice course this weekend.

Well it's a thought. Probably not a good idea, but we'll find out Saturday night. ;o)

Handle with care.

2012-01-09T10:43:00.000-08:00

I drove in to work this morning and my mind was a million other places than on the road ahead of me. This is not unusual but today I was so distracted that I jolted back to the drive, twice, as I realized that red tail lights mean stop a little later than I was comfortable with. The weekend had been so perfect. It was filled with friends and happy kids and a morning of sipping champagne at breakfast simply because it was a lovely Saturday. Sunday was quiet and I surprised to a husband that arrived home early from his fishing trip. I fell asleep content with my head on his shoulder.

This morning on the drive to work I thought about Zach, the little 8 year old buy that desperately needs a new kidney. I thought about his mom and the terrifying reality she lives with, knowing her son cannot survive forever without a new kidney. Then I started thinking about Jack, the Benilde hockey player. I thought about his parents and his friends and how dramatically his life has been changed. It is all so difficult to understand.

My mind wandered back and forth through all the sad things I have been hearing about lately. Right now, I am the lucky one. The blessings all around me are abundant and visible. I can touch them, hug them and I am comforted by them. Yet I know that this life I am living is fragile and needs to be handled with great care.

When I arrived at work I looked at the calendar and all the things that are scheduled. There are so many things on there. Are they all important? Yes, to someone they are. But are all the important things on the calendar? No, they are not. We need to step back and see there are some things that will need to be missed. There are things that need to be added where there is not time. We need to take care to be present for the things and people that are most important. We need to do that first. Then we can work to fit in all the rest with whatever time is left.

Life is fragile, handle it with care.

Fall la la la ha ha ha...

2012-01-05T09:49:00.000-08:00

Each year Adam and I [well mostly I] rack our brains trying to come up with a Christmas gift for the girls that they will go nuts over. When they were littler this was relatively easy. However now that they are older and have discovered things like Nooks, iPods, Wii's and all other electronic things it has become increasingly more difficult to find a gift that is awesomely cool that does not need batteries or plug into something. You see I have a rule that gifts should require a kid to use more than just their thumbs to operate. I'll leave all the techy gifts to their grandparents to supply, as for me, my gifts will continue to be fun, and hopefully tire the kiddies out. But this year I was stumped.

I thought and thought and thought....

And then finally I had an idea!

It was brilliant! I pictured how excited the girls would be.

So I raced off to the store to pick it up.

But when I got there all that was waiting for me was a giant and heavy box.

No worries, Adam will help me get this loaded into the house right after the Christmas eve party...[you know, the party where I was the DD.]

The box was heavier than I remembered and Adam was a little happier than I planned for and then there was that little step...

YUP! You guessed it. I tripped and fell backwards. But the problem was...

It was a really heavy box and Adam couldn't hold it alone, so...

Naturally the box landed right on top of me. Adam was all full of help. Welll right after he finished laughing his butt off...

He picked it up and we got it into the house. And a short time later.

The kids woke up and found this...

They were so excited, until they opened it up and found this...

Once they realized it was not just a giant brown box and that it was really a GIANT [and HEAVY] trampoline they were both dancing with excitement!

Next year I think I'm going to get something smaller, like a puppy.

Hi Ho Hi Ho! Off to 2012 We Go!

2012-01-03T07:03:00.000-08:00

Hi Ho Hi Ho! Off to 2012 We Go!

I've Gone Rogue

2011-12-16T10:52:00.000-08:00

Goodness Mary I have been a hot mess these past few weeks. The snafu with my car really rattled me something fierce. So here is the low down on what all happened.

Let's back the truck up...way up. Remember a while back when Adam and I were in the accident that left resulted in the front of the Vibe being damn near obliterated, well we decided to let the insurance cover the damages and keep the car. My beloved Vibe turned into a money pit and a rolling target for other vehicles apparently. Since the front end accident the car has been hit 2 more times, and the insurance finally threw in the towel and said "no more Vibe for you Kat!"

I was just heart broken over it. Then I went from being really disappointed to losing my damn mind. Seriously, I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't decide what to do, couldn't even bring myself to release the car to the insurance company. We are talking about a car that has been hit 5 times, the filters are duct taped into the housing cases, the bottom part of the bumper is attached with zip ties, it has 116,000 miles on it, and is currently sitting in a body shop grave yard with a smashed in front end (for the second time). Yet instead of being able to see that the insurance company was actually going to pay me to take this disaster of a car off my hands, I could only see that my baby was being taken away from me. I did not make this choice. I was NOT in control.

I knew I was a control freak, but this was more than just feeling a little out of sorts. I almost scared myself over how anxious and upset I was because I felt like I was not in control of my destiny. Worse I felt like if the reigns were back in my hands that I would not be able to get what I really wanted.

Weeks rolled by and I continued to spiral over it. Then a few more stresses got tossed in. First something went a little squirrelly with my job. Then my course work wasn't coming easy, and I was no mood for critical thinking and hours of analyzing and assessing case studies. Then Christmas preparations came knocking at the door and.....KABOOM! My head exploded and I sat there balling hysterically about having to buy a new car. STUPID. It really wasn't about the car. It was about my need to be in control. It was about my inability to feel worthy of anything new, nice and fancy. It was about feeling gluttonous about wanting something that was more than what I needed. It was about feeling guilty for spending money when we have not paid off all our other debts first. It was about everything except a car.

So right about the time Adam politely asked me to calm down before I worked my way into such a tizzy that I puked on him. (Yes, this has happened before.) God reached down, placed his arms around me and said, "everything is going to be ok, you are ok, this is ok."

I was not instantly better. In fact I sat with it for another three hours. I sat trying not to think about it. I sat trying to write something smart for my final exam. In the end I just sat and stared at the wall. Somewhere around 3am, my body finally shut down. Then I got up for work, and decided to be done with it all and just go rogue. Abandon the flipping plan for five minutes and do something completely out of character for me and go get exactly what I want.

Then I did it. The world did not end. The plan did not shoot up in flames.

I am Rogue and I am delighted!!!

I counted my chickens...and thanked God they did not hatch.

2011-12-06T06:59:00.001-08:00

Someone gave me a pile of eggs.
They were nurtured.
Oh, I kept them warm and toasty!
Then some other hens came along.
They told me how beautiful my chicks were going to be.
I believed them.
Oh, these chickens were gonna change everything.
Then some other hens came along.
They asked me some really tough questions.
I wondered if I wanted new chickens at all.
Oh, how the chickens I have need my care.
Then I checked the eggs I was sitting on.
And I started to hope, just a little, that they would not hatch.
I prayed on the eggs that the chickens
would land where they were most meant to be.
Even if it wasn't me.
Then I checked and all the eggs were gone.
I was relieved.

Many of you out there know about the pile of eggs I have been perched upon for the past month. The funny thing is that initially I thought the idea of the eggs seemed to be coming at the wrong time. In my gut I knew I was not ready to take on the all challenges that the eggs represented. I knew that I needed to get other things taken care of before I would be in a place to tend to the things that new eggs bring. BUT...Oh, how I got caught up in the excitement and possibilities that new eggs could have brought. Things I didn't even know I wanted. But, then all the excitement faded and I searched for reasons to keep the excitement alive...but no amount of spark would ignite a fire.

Hmmm, what does all this mean? What about my plans? What about the things I thought I couldn't stand a minute longer? Well, what about it all? Stick to the plan, the plan is good, the plan is working. Ahh, my St. Kate's mantra returns!

So I return to the original plan, I remember that my plan is good, and the plan is indeed working. I got a little distracted by a sparkly idea, and oh it nearly lured me away, but I am in my exact right spot. Now that clarity has returned to the world I live in, I can breath, step off the perch and return to nurturing the little chickens that have been entrusted to me.

Cluck Cluck Chickadee, it is an Auggie that I be...

(PS...A fledgling/baby eagle is called an Auggie)

Oh God of the Universe why do you mock me?

2011-11-29T11:19:00.001-08:00

I have long been short on patience. Waiting is something I loath. Tardiness sets my blood to boiling. Inaction in times when action is needed is maddening. So it would make perfect sense that this is the season where I am to learn a lesson in patience. Grrr Rahrr! Laugh if you will but I am being assaulted with lessons in patience in every aspect of my life right now. It has left me at a loss and thrown me completely off balance. Oh don't be too alarmed, I do possess shreds of patience. It is just enough to tolerate the little irratations in life though. For instance, my sister and mother, they are ALWAYS late. So I am constantly WAITING on them. But they are consistent with their behavior so I know when dealing with them I need to tell them that the start time is actually a 1/2 earlier then it really is and then don't plan anything for at least an hour after we are supposed to be done with whatever it is we are doing. No big deal, I can handle that, because I can plan for that because I am a planner and slight control freak. However when it comes to having anything "out there" that is lingering in the uncertain abyss causes me anxiety, sleepless nights, and is certainly behind my current need for botox injections to undo the scars left on my forehead from my constantly furrowed brow.

In general family tests our patience. They know just what buttons to push and in some cases to it just for funzies. In fact I'll even admit that I am guilty of intentionally saying or doing things that I know will set my sister off. However my family has been testing my patience more than usual. To make matters worse, my brother and sister are not the culprits.

Nope, my children are leading the charge. They do things that make no sense. They aggravate and frustrate me with their selective deafness and egregious acts of defiance. But, that is just what kids do. Lately though, my kids have taken it up a notch and decided to see how far they can push me before my head explodes. For instance, I took the girls out shopping Sunday to get their Christmas dresses. When we got home they ran upstairs with their dresses to put them on and play fashion show. Oh no, the dresses would certainly be trashed, smeared with makeup and wrinkled up messes if I let the kids "play" with them. Instead, I told the girls to leave the dresses alone that they were not bought to be used as dress up clothes. Heaven forbid, I wanted the dresses to stay clean and wrinkle free until after the school Christmas concert. A little later the kids are too quiet and I go to look for them. I discover them wearing the dresses and their faces painted with makeup. REALLY?!

Then, Annabelle has been told at least one million times to keep her hands off her sister. Yesterday I walk out of the bathroom as the girls are going in to comb their hair for school. I am not out of the room for 3 seconds before I hear crying. I go back in to discover that Annabelle hit Lindsay in the head. WTF!?

Then there is the car issue. Yes I said it "car issue." The Vibe was in yet another accident. We thought it was a relatively minor fender bender and turned to our insurance provider to get a claim set up and fix the car. Last year the Vibe slid off the road and was severely damaged. Thousands of dollars worth of repairs later the car was back up and running (transmissions are not covered by insurance.) All seemed right and dandy with the Vibe so we bought her some new shoes, er um I mean tires and all was peachy! Well peachy until just before this Thanksgiving when it was kerthwapped by another car causing a ridiculous amount of damage to the poor little thing. Now I sit here waiting for the cosmos to determine how the situation will be resolved, since the vehicle is going to be totalled out by the insurance company. Did I mention it is the most wonderful time of year. And by wonderful I mean most insanely busy and expensive time of year. So the prospect of plunking out hundreds of dollars in deductibles and rental car costs instead of using the money for Christmas shopping and decking the halls is less than ideal. Grrrr Gruumble grumble!

So I sit and wait trying to figure out how to maintain patience with my children while they work to test my limits. Remembering that testing parents limits is just what kids do. I try to sit patiently and wait until it all gets figured out with the car. Remembering that it is just a thing, it is fixable and no one was hurt.

BUT...These things are rolling in at a time when I am working diligently to get to my right place. I think I even figured out where I need to be and what I need to be doing. Yet once again I am forced to wait and hope that the process works out in my favor. Bracing myself for what I don't want to hear while praying that God will see me fit to have it work out the way I want it to. However I do not get to decide what happens I just need to go through the process and let it come to me when it is ready. I feel like yelling like Charlie Brown, AAUHG!!!

All this waiting and uncertainty is truly a menace to a person like me. God I see this lesson of patience you are forcing me to learn and I surrender to it. All that can be done has been done. Now I hand it over to you and ask that it all be carried out according to your plan.

[quickly? please, pretty please...]

and...hey, uhm oh God, Universe, Angles, all of you, well I mean...TAP TAP TAP.

Is this thing on? I'm here, I'm ready, hello...hello...aaugh...still waiting.

Thank you.

2011-11-21T14:11:00.001-08:00

Today I sit here after pondering all that the last three days threw at me. After much thought and consideration I rest on being grateful and hopeful. Life isn't always smooth and easy when something comes along that disrupts our smooth sailing we need to remain focused on the road ahead of us and be grateful for the moment we are in.

I have handed it all over to God and prayed on it fiercely. From here I must take comfort that I have done all I can to influence the moving parts around me, now I have to let go and let God guide the rest. Most importantly I need to remember that the things we are intended to learn or see in a situation are not always the things that are the most obvious.

You've Come a Long Way Baby!

2011-11-16T10:45:00.001-08:00

Recently, I spent some time re-reading some of the older posts on this blog. I had to take a moment and laugh at some of the things that happened. More importantly though, I was transported back to a place when everything that surrounded me seemed to be in a state of complete turmoil. In the span of 5 years nearly a dozen friends and family members died. In addition to that we faced some very dark moments and close calls with family members that fell victim to their inner demons and addictions. We were also forced to sit idly by while we watched family members make destructive and unhealthy choices.Given my intense need to control and protect things, this was excruciating and draining beyond measure.

Yet it was not all bad. Many good and great things happened in this same period of time, so while life felt out of control and chaotic at moments, it was balanced by many blessings and times of joy. Standing on the other side of the this part of my journey I can see that I learned more about myself during this time than in all the years that came before. I learned about my strengths, weaknesses, faith and convictions. So while you couldn't pay me to walk down any of those roads again, I am sincerely thankful for the things that I learned.

There are a couple of things that I want to call out in all that has transpired. First, my husband and children are my greatest sources of joy. I could never have imagined a life so full of love and support, warmth and patience, and that is what they bring to my life. Second, I am not the same person I was 5 years ago. I no longer feel uncertain about what my purpose is, in fact, spending the past year and a half at Augsburg has solidified my sense of purpose. The Lutherans have taught this little Catholic quite alot. The values and commitment to service expressed here has served to re-energize my convictions in my own faith and the work that I need to do within my parish. Ironically the stoic and "don't make a big deal out of things" Lutherans helped me find my voice and learn to not be timid in the face of people that intimidate me. They invited me to their table. They allowed me to speak. They listened to what I had to say. WOW!

But that is not the best of what has come from this leg of my journey. Somehow, I feel transformed. I feel new and reborn. I see now that I am ready to be in the drivers seat. I am ready to lead the charge. I am ready to lead and influence (blessed be my Alma mater).

Fittingly, what I put out seems to have come back. Because for the past 10 years I have counseled each student I supervised to be bold and ask for what they want. I taunted them saying, if you don't say what you want how do you expect to get it. The students often think simplistically and fail to see that when I say to ask, I don't mean find a person and ask them for something. I mean that you need to pray on it and ask God (or the Universe) for what you seek. When you are ready it will come to you. A couple months ago I finally took my own advice. I sat down and asked God for exactly what I wanted. Hopefully what comes my way is His answer to that prayer.

So. So. So. From St. Paul to Cuyahoga Falls. From St. Thomas to Augsburg. From uncertain to completely certain. I have come a long way baby!

Someone Take Care of Mommy

2011-11-14T12:58:00.001-08:00

My house has been busy this past few weeks. We have all been busy, sneezing, coughing, puking, and running fevers. When we were not tied up with that we took turns running to doctors, going to the pharmacy, and dishing our medicines and puffing on inhalers. No one in our house escaped the "crud" that ran through my house with the same force as tsunami.

Lindsay delivered the diseas to us and some how she faired the best of us all. Just a couple days of congestion and coughing and she was back to life as usual. Adam was down the longest, spending nearly two weeks holed up on the couch every moment possible. Annabelle didn't seem to mind being sick all too much. Then again why would she? She got to miss nearly an entire week of school and got uber snuggled and spoiled by all parents and grandparents and had an ironclad excuse to do nothing.

For two weeks I chased after sick kids and sick husbands. making sure they all got to the doctor and got their medicines, soups, ginger ale, snuggly pj's and movies to watch. I kept the house cleaned, homework done and groceries stocked. I even took down all the Halloween decorations and cleaned up the garage. I let them all lie around and do absolutely nothing.

I was getting pretty exhausted but the show must go on. I ignored the fact that each day that passed I felt progressively worse than the day before. By the time I reached Thursday night I found myself sitting in class praying for it to end. Friday morning I woke up with a fever and in pain. I am not sick I kept telling myself. I took the kids to school and drove to work. When I reached my office it was obvious I was not going to make it. I was shivering so bad I could hardly type and my head was pounding so hard I could barely see straight.

I gave in and went home. I walked in the house put on long johns, yoga pants, a long sleeve t-shirt, two sweatshirts, and socks. It was time for Nyquil and nap under a pile of blankets. I woke up 5 hours later in even worse shape. I needed to go to the doctor but there was no one there to take me.

I have to do everything myself. On the upside when you arrive to the clinic in that rough of shape you get expidited service. You also get threatened to be expidited to the hospital by ambulance. Never the less, I convinced them that I just needed some meds and that family would be there soon to take care of me. (Yah right! They were no where to be found...)

I make my way to the Target Pharmacy and promtly collapse on the bench. We'll look past how pathetic I must have been, and be grateful that again they wasted no time in getting me my medicine and escorting me to my car. They do such a nice job of giving personal attention to their customers. Or I was bad for business and they wanted me out of the store before I gave everyone SARS. It doesn't really matter I wanted to go home anyway.

I got home by the sheer grace of God and buroughed my way back under the ple of blankets and promptly passed out. A couple hours later I woke up and thought I was in my final death throws. I was shivering, wretching and unable to breath I lacked any ability to get through all the child safety obstacles that stood between me and the meds that held the key to my survival. Adam and the kids finally showed up to lend a hand. But not before they scolded me and mocked me for not taking my pills right away. JERKS!

My beloved family stopped home long enough to stuff some pills in my face force feed my some plain bread before they left for the night. Can't you just feel the love?

After nearlly 30 hours of sleep I went up stairs to discover my house was a complete and total disaster. HOW? Really we are talking about just barely more than a day and the house looked it had been hit by a tornado. uhg... The only living creature in the house that seemed to have any concern that I was sick, was our satan cat Stitch. He stayed plastered to my side the entire time. Then again he was probably just mooching off the heat that was being radiated by my fever. Either way he didn't bite me when I pet him like he normally does.

Calm Down Mommy Cuz' Words Hurt

2011-11-09T12:15:00.000-08:00

It is no secret that the words we use matter. In fact they matter, and carry far more weight than we suspect. I used to know someone that could fillet you, tear out your bones and leave you laying like a writhing heap of wounded humanity, all with their wicked words. I have learned to avoid battle with this person, it ends badly every time.

But what if you did not know how hurtful your words could be? What if you scream and yell and name call in your fits of anger and frustration? What if you aimed your hurtful words at your kids, or your spouse? How many times would you have to say. "I'm sorry" to undo the hurt?

While you ponder that, let me throw some context at you...

Last weekend was an all around awful weekend in our house. Dad was sick, Belle was not feeling great either and mom was completed stressed out from sickness, homework, housework and yard work. So by the time we reached Sunday I was out of patience and this is just about when my kids decided to test my limits.

I decided we all needed a nice Sunday dinner and to veg out on the couch together. I grabbed Belle and went off to the grocery store to pick up something to go with the acorn squash I had gotten a few days earlier plus some "sick food" for the people that were under the weather. Belle and I had a nice little outing and I told her how excited I was to cook dinner and roast the squash. Belle did not comment on the squash, but I know she really doesn't like it so I planned to roast some carrots and potatoes for her. When we got home, I could not find the squash anywhere. I was beginning to think I was losing my mind. I finally got so aggravated with everyone I demanded that every one march into the kitchen and screamed that no one was allowed to leave until the squash was found. Within a couple minutes little Roo fessed up.

"I know where the squash is." She said.

"Where?" I said.

"Annabelle put it in the trash." Lindsay said.

"WHAT!?" I said.

I was so angry I could not form words. I banished the child to her room.

I stewed with anger over it for the next couple of hours. Then called them down to supper and levee began to break. I started to snipe at Belle for what she did earlier. I said some not nice things. OK that is an under statement. I spewed a rant that was almost comical. In fact Adam had to stop me and ask, "What are you Italian now? All of a sudden you're talking like you grew up in Jersey." Blame it on MTV and TLC, but I was so pissed off I was talking in tongues.

I may have said something that was along the lines of..."What this is how you're gonna treat me? I work for two hours on this meal for you and this is the respect you show me? Seriously, you have some nerve to treat your mother like this." All said while waving my hands around with a jersey like emphasis on the last word of every sentence. I sounded like a cross between Buddy the Cake Boss and Theresa the Long Island Psychic; you get the gist.

Anyway, dinner ended and I sent the kids away so that I could calm down. I went outside to gather myself and settle down. For a minute I forgot about the thousand times I asked them to pick up their things. [just a side note - why the hell do kids think that they can just drop their crap right in the middle of the floor and leave it there? I mean seriously do they think that I want their crap strewn all over my house so that I can step over it, trip over it, step on it or fall because they leave their toys and crap right where I need to walk?] I had been asking ALL weekend for the kids to pick up their things in the living room. I told them for three days in a row to pick up the things in the living room that belonged to them. At seven o'clock on Sunday night I walked into the living room to discover their stuff had not only NOT been picked up, it had multiplied.

That is when I completely lost it. I reamed the kids out. I yelled at them for not listening. I laid it on thick. I told them that "honoring thy mother and father is one of the commandments and that not listening is being disrespectful and it is a sin!" I told them they were acting like spoiled brats. I swatted each of them on their butt and sent them to bed.

Then I cried because I felt so horrible about all the mean things I said. I went back and told them I was sorry for yelling at them, but the damage was done.

Fast forward now to last night. I was watching 19 Kids and Counting. I am a big fan of the Duggar family. (No I do not have any desire to have 18 more kids) I do not believe in everything they do. I do love to dance, they do not; that is fine. However, I admire the way that they treat each and every person they encounter. They truly are living examples of how to be respectful of one another. Their brood of children treat each other with kindness. In their home, between the kids there is no hitting, no biting, no punching, no name calling - nothing of the sort. The kids listen to their parents. Michelle tells her kids "hear what I say, and obey" AND THE KIDS DO! The parents talked about why they don't yell at their kids and basically it all boils down to be being respectful of each other. They talked about how hurtful it is to be yelled at and how it actually breaks a persons spirit.

Kids want to do right. But they are kids and will make mistakes. Their parents don't need to yell and rub their noses in it. The Duggars are right and it was definitely something I needed to be reminded of.

12,775 days left to change the world

2011-11-02T14:59:00.000-07:00

There is an abundance of melancholy in the air today. While the fall weather outside is delightfully deceptive with its warmth, it is still November and it could snow any minute. Each and every year I seem to pause and dwell dreamily on the coming and passing of fall. I love every thing about this time of year. The colors, the smells, the warm days and brisk nights, the preparations, the back to school and of course the foods. I might actually like the food part best, creamy soups, chili, roast, baked ham and turkey. MMMMMMM Yum!

However rather than my typical fall focus, I find myself extremely distracted. Recently I sat in class listening to my cohort members discussing the things that are most important to them and how those things shape them as people. Not surprisingly every one seemed to resonate that it is the people and the emotions not the things and the places that are most important. It bugged me to think as I sit there working my butt of to obtain a "thing" I need to be away from what I feel is truly most important.

Then a classmate made a bold proclamation. She said, "I only have 20,000 days left to live." I gasped. I wondered if this was her way of telling the class she had some terminal illness. She is very young, how could she only have days left to live? But then my glacier speed mental calculator figured out that she estimated that she has nearly 55 years left to live. But she spoke like she needed to hurry up and get going because her time was running out.

This has sat under my skin like lemon and salt for weeks now. I did my own calculation and figure I have roughly 12,775 days left to live. (more would be great, less if it's Gods plan) How on earth am I supposed to change the world with the sand in my hour glass running out so quickly? I was going to spend the next two years learning how to make a difference. My plan to disappear back into the world of academia and ponder and contemplate the inner workings of the world I plan to change. Stock up on lots of knowledge and fuel my desire to enter back into the work world after 2 years of rigorous debate and reflection. However that means that I will lose another 730 days.

I do not think I can afford to lose that much time. Completely overwhelmed I began to wonder where do I start? What matters most to me? What is the one thing that I am most passionate about? What gives me energy? Where am I happiest? The answer was so obvious that it scared me to contemplate further how it might actually dramatically change the course I am heading in.

I love the classroom environment. I love the debate. I love the rigor. I love the words. I love higher education. It just might be that my connection to the classroom is my soul trying to tell my brain where I am supposed to be. I could change the world one student at a time.

Professor Kat. Hmmm, I think I like the sound of that.

A Stark Blunder!

2011-11-01T14:34:00.000-07:00

I accidentally deleted a post. I did not keep a copy and I cannot get it back.

Enter grumbly sad face here [ _____ ].

Then I accidentally deleted the new post I wrote.

Enter angry face here [ ______ ].

I am officially giving up on blogging for the day.

}:~/

I am not!

2011-10-28T14:15:00.000-07:00

Scary.

Unapproachable.

Childish.

Abrupt.

Mean.

Intense.

This is the list of adjectives that have been used in the past two week to describe yours truly. Shocking! I know. I can hear you gasp all the way up here in my suburban tower. (ok it really isn’t a tower, it more of a cottage, but you get the point.) At first I protested the negative connotation that these words have. When that didn’t work, I defended them…

Scary – well it is near Halloween…BOO!

Unapproachable – This is a matter of efficiency. I’m busy! If you need me for something, kindly submit your request to me in writing via my augnet account. I am committed to providing excellent customer service and will respond to you within 72 hours.

Childish- Ummmm, well…er? Blechkt I got nothing here. Sometimes, I just get frustrated and stomp my feet. So what! You don’t like it then I suggest you not aggravate me.

Abrupt – I blame Stacy. Let me explain. Five years of working for a woman that would abruptly say ok bye and hang up on me or walk out of the room while I was midsentence has conditioned me to cut out the niceties. I need something from you – you give it to me- do it quickly – ok bye. I need to be reconditioned.

Mean- This insinuates intent. I am never purposely unkind. However I am honest and if you do something stupid and I call you a dumbass, that does not make me a mean person. In fact it makes you a bigger dumbass for thinking that.

Intense- WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? I AM NOT INTENSE. I am highly focused and have difficulty tolerating things that are counterproductive. And I do have very high standards and when you are not living up to them I am going to call you on it. Huh? Maybe that might be a little intense. Hmmmmm, maybe I should work on that one.

It would seem that I have some things to work on.

Falling to pieces

2011-10-26T06:54:00.000-07:00

I am not your fall to pieces kind of person. I am the “things get hard, so work harder” kind of person. There is no time for emotion or regrets. There is just time enough to keep putting one foot in front of the other. It is survival mode. I am really good at compartmentalizing everything, task management; soldiering through it.

When I am far enough away from the start then I can look back and rejoice or grieve everything that happened between the beginning and the end. But that never happens in the moment. Truth be told it may never happen at all. Something’s are so difficult and painful that blazing through it and never looking back is the only thing I can manage to do. No harm no foul. There is no point in crying in our Cheerios over the things we cannot change. But there are these friends I have that insist that going through all the ugly emotion of those tough times is necessary. Blehck!

“You have to process the emotion so that you can get to a place where you really are as Okay as you say you are.” My friend said.

Nonsense! I process it all in process things in my time in my way and most of all in private. Well with Adam mostly. He bears the brunt of my excitement, my sadness, my disappointments, and my fears. It seems to work for us. Except…that right now and I am at a crossroads. I do not want to talk anymore. I do not want to share anymore. I desperately need to be left alone for a little while. I cannot handle any more input, and there is nothing I can spare for output.

I fantasize about running off to a warm and sunny beach and sitting for two days, sipping champagne and doing nothing more than drunkenly admiring the sunrise and sunset. The soundtrack is already on my iPod.

Oh and I could write. The imagery, the fantasy; imagine the genius that could be captured if I were ever left alone long enough to have an uninterrupted thought. Or I could go back to the Valley. It was where I used to go; it was a secret refuge place that I had when I lived in Ohio. It was where I sat and drank Pinot and smoked Marlboros. (Yes I REALLY miss smoking – STILL!)

Nope. If I went back, it wouldn’t be the same. Because I am not the same. I am smarter. I am stronger. Despite the fact that I feel like I am falling to pieces right now, I am doing just fine. I sat and cried the other night. I declared out loud that I am scared that I am on the verge of failure. But in that moment I can claim a victory, because I let vulnerability surface and nothing shattered.

Perhaps I did fall to pieces for just a minute, but I picked them all up and put them in a pretty little bag and I am carrying them all with me still.

Snap, Crackle, Pop!

2011-10-24T04:09:00.000-07:00

There are several things that the phrase "Snap, Crackle, Pop" could describe. It could be the sound our cereal makes after we pour milk on it. It could be the sound my neck and spine makes when Dr. Eric is working his magic on me. It could be the sound of a perfect fall campfire.

OR...

It could be the perfect description of the way some people react to things they don't like.

Snap to judgement based on perceptions and emotions with complete disregard for commonsense and facts.

Crackle, as in grumbling, arguing, protesting, pouting, or behaving in any manner that is unproductive.

Pop, as in blurting out a response to our "snap," then digging in our heels to justify our irrational and possibly immature bahavior.

Oh I know way too many "Snap, Crackle, Pop" people!

Love and generosity

2011-10-12T04:01:00.000-07:00

We will receive back what we give out into the world. When you are in need; give what you can, where you can and what you need will be given back to you tenfold.

Generosity begets generosity.
Be generous.

Love is profoundly tender; it is the manifestation of human compassion. It is our ability to love that sets humans apart from animals. It is a divine gift. It makes us feel whole both when we have someone to love and we have someone that gives us love.

Love creates love.
Love deeply.

It is these two things that light my way.

When I am in need, I know that I need not fear. Rather, I must give. Whatever, where ever I am able; I must show my appreciation for the abundance in my life by living as a servant. What I give need only be given purely with the intent of selflessly helping someone else, simply because I am able.

Love gives me the reason to do all I do. It is for the love I receive from my children. It is for the gift of having children to love. It is for the love of my husband and the gift of having a husband to love. It is all the people that embrace me for all that I am, that I am living in a place of abundance. When we live in this space, we can do all things.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today there was a great need for these reminders. The day to day grind of life was shifting from feeling like a blessing to feeling like a burden. It seemed as though too much was being taken away and nothing was being given back to me. Loneliness was creeping in and it seemed as though I was getting disconnected from all the people I love.

Then, God gave me a reminder to live with love and generosity. It is an awfully fancy problem to not have enough time to see all the friends and family members I have. There are people that suffer from true loneliness and they have no one. It is a fancy problem to have wants on my list of things to buy rather than true needs. There are people whose wants are as basic as food and shelter.

It is time to refocus. It is time to lead with love and be generous.

Transformation progress...

2011-10-10T04:28:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I was happily frolicking out of Don Pablos after enjoying a fabulous dinner with my family when all of a sudden, WHAM, I fell down. I didn't just stumble. Nope I was face on the ground writhing in excruciating pain.

Fa la la, fa la la! I was chattering away and chasing the kids and did not notice there was a curb and I twisted my ankle and hit the pavement, hard. It sucked. I heard my ankle pop and crunch. However, I fought through the pain and went home to nurse my wounds. Now three weeks later I have twisted the same ankle two more times and I have cankle that Monica Lewinski would be jealous over.

This could not have come at a worse time. I am in the midst of my "personal transformation" you know and it is already going far from smooothly. Let's assess:

The plan was to lose 25 pounds. Well that was a month ago and I have only lost 7 pounds so far. Grrr!

The plan was to go to get a check up. Well I did that and now I have to keep going back because every time I go they run another test and another something not right shows up! I'm not dying or anything but there are "things" that need to get fixed. Plus I am terrified of needles and lab coats and I have been assaulted repeatedly in the past 3 weeks! AND I DON'T LIKE IT! humph!

The plan was start school. Well it started and I am constantly reading and writing about it. I have lost all connection to the outside world. There are two things I know about right now, what happens in my class and what happened on Jersey Shore. Everything else is up for debate. I miss my friends!!!

All in all, I was right. Transformation is messy and tiring work. It also happens much slower and in a much less controlled way than I ever thought it would. This works against my impatient nature. But I'll keep plugging away. There is nothing else I can do. Just as a side note - I have another appointment next week [my eyes] and if you could just say a little prayer that this appointment goes well that would be great!

Ignore the man behind the curtain

2011-10-07T04:03:00.000-07:00

Someone once asked me how I manage to keep it all together. The question was so flattering. It affirmed that I have successfully created the perception of being organized and graceful. Internally I laugh because the reality is that I do not have it all together. Well maybe I do. As in I have all the elements in place to be organized and graceful, but I don't always do a really good job of putting it all together so that operations run smoothly. Instead there is alot of racing, and making a mad dash for the finish lines. But I work well under pressure and deadlines, so perhaps this style suite me.

The thing about perceptions though is that we can make people believe whatever we want about us - but only for a little while. Sooner or later they are going to discover the man behind the curtain. And you are going to have to reveal your authentic self. We all want people to have a certain image of us. We want them to think we "are" all the things we want to "be." That is vain and futile; I know.

So there are times where I struggle. I fall. I fail. I am not being authentic.

I am working really, really hard right now. Every day I get a little closer to having the confidence in myself to tear my curtain down. Eventually I'll let the whole world see that I am not really the self assured, organized, bulldog, peacock I pretend to be. The reality is that I am shy, easily intimidated, and indecisive. Those characteristics will prevent me from reaching any goal I set for myself though. They must be set aside. I have learned to walk boldly into situations that terrify me because if I don't I will never reach that which I seek.

For instance. I went through the introductions at my MBA orientation and literally felt faint. In that room was a group of young, attractive, ambitious, accomplished and smart people. Who the hell did I think I was trying to fool. I am just this girl from the east side, that took 15 years and 6 schools to finish my undergrad. Worse yet, I am an administrative assistance at a church school. These people were directors and managers and younger than me. They were prettier and more accomplished and... and... and...

So I had to pretend a little. I had to paint my pigeon feathers into peacock feathers and puff them up proudly and own exactly who I am. One should never think of themselves as "just" anything. I am smart, talented, committed and loyal. I have not journeyed through life like the plastic bag swept up by the updraft. No! I chose the path I took deliberately. I celebrate every twist and turn and experience I have had. It is OK to enjoy the journey and not always be racing to the finish line.

The funny thing is that in the past few weeks, as each member of the cohort begins to let down their own curtains we are all discovering not only who we really are, but who each other is as well. It is a pretty amazing group of people and I feel fortunate that they are on this journey with me. I will give them my honest and authentic self, my respect and my energy; because they are doing the same for me.